Children of Alcoholics Don’t Know Alcohol Is Waiting for Them in Their Thirties – Chris M.
About This Speaker Tape
Chris M. tells a story that starts sideways from the usual AA narrative. He didn't love his first drink — he hated beer, shook one flat and stirred sugar into it at 21 just to prove a point. His biological father was an alcoholic; his mother divorced that man when Chris was two and moved them to Alaska. What Chris didn't know at the time was that alcohol was waiting for him in his 30s, when his father moved to Georgia, started showing up with new bruises, new dents in his car, another lost job — and the pain of watching him die slowly became unbearable. Chris discovered that drinking numbed it. That was the line he crossed.
The middle of the tape is a catalog of functioning-alcoholic concealment and near-disasters. He worked in IT from home, so there were no DUIs, no missed meetings — just a case of wine a week his wife silently restocked, then Taaka vodka from Tower Liquor after a clerk on Beaufort Highway recommended it, then pint bottles hidden in couch cushions, in trash cans his wife never emptied, and once tied to a rope slung over a tree branch on the property next to his house. His son fell off the changing station onto a hardwood floor while Chris was hungover. His wife found him face-down in Modu-chan soup and had to lift his head out. After his stepfather's suicide, a doctor prescribed lorazepam on top of his drinking, and Chris walked his infant son in a Baby Bjorn down a busy street in a full blackout he only learned about later. He checked himself into Peachford expecting Hollywood robes and saunas, brought his laptop so he could keep working, watched them confiscate it, then had his life threatened in the common room by a stranger while trying to escape a snoring roommate.
His father died at Emory Hospital on Claremont Road with pneumatic pads squeezing his legs to keep his blood moving. Chris read a goodbye letter his Al-Anon uncle had written because he couldn't write one himself. He drank more afterward, not less — alcohol was his solution for that pain too. Nine months of sobriety after Peachford ended in a shot-glass ritual: he poured exactly one ounce, sat with it for an hour, smelled it, picked it up, stared at it, then drank. Six more years. The turnaround came in his master bedroom when he realized the alcoholic progression was both predictable and the thing that had killed his father. He walked into the Monday Night Blue Chip meeting at the Nava Club, said he needed a sponsor, picked one of two men who offered, sat in the gazebo outside and started calling him daily — even from the Caribbean, standing under the one light in the hotel complex where his voice-over-IP app would work.
The Higher Power section is the heart of the talk. The stepfather who raised him in Alaska was physically abusive and a community pillar who wrote checks at church that covered up what he was doing to the kids. When nine-year-old Chris finally couldn't hold it in and told the church-school principal what was happening at home, it was squashed by Sunday. By his 30s he hated the word itself. He got around it by treating the steps as an experiment: follow the prescribed actions, evaluate the result. Two years in, he can be in the park with his son and actually be there instead of mentally at work. He uses his IT skills for AA service — spreadsheets and Google Maps, not gutter rescues — and says the thing works if you abandon everything and give yourself to it unreservedly.
Topics
Timestamps
Full Transcript
Take me where the promises are real, are real, the promises are real.
Good evening, everyone. My name's Tim, and I'm an alcoholic.
Welcome to the Monday Night Blue Chip Speakers Meeting at the Nava Club,
where a member of Alcoholics...
Good evening, everyone. My name's Tim, and I'm an alcoholic.
Welcome to the Monday Night Blue Chip Speakers Meeting at the Nava Club,
where a member of Alcoholics...
Take me where the promises are real, are real, the promises are real.
Good evening, everyone. My name's Tim, and I'm an alcoholic.
Welcome to the Monday Night Blue Chip Speakers Meeting at the Nava Club,
where a member of Alcoholics Anonymous with one year or more of sobriety tells his or her story.
Thanks, Tim. I need to cue you.
My name's Robert. I'm an alcoholic.
And this is the reading that we do for the Monday Night Blue Chip Speakers Meeting.
This reading is based on a passage from Pentecost.
It's in page 29 of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous.
Each individual in our personal stories describes in their own language, from their own point of view,
the way they establish their relationship with God.
These give a fair cross-section of our membership and a clear-cut idea of what has happened in their lives.
We hope no one will consider these self-revealing accounts in bad taste.
Our hope is that many alcoholic men and women in our room tonight and listening later on aabloochipspeaker.org,
desperately in need, will hear our speaker.
And we believe that it's only by fully disclosing...
disclosing ourselves and our problems that any of us shall be persuaded to say,
yes, I am one of them too.
I must have this thing.
And so now it's my chance to introduce tonight's speaker.
And I'm really looking forward to hearing what Chris has to say.
I've known Chris for a couple of years.
Saw him come in and he visited our home group.
And for a while he was actually a member of our home group.
But he's a member of a group here at NABN now.
I'm going to let him tell his own story.
But he's the kind of guy that I've been able to work steps with.
He's committed to his recovery.
He participates in his recovery through stories.
He's been in service at intergroup, in his home group, and in other areas.
Just got back from a weekend, away from his family,
but got right back home to his wife and had to talk to me about that.
And it was a great thing to hear about because it gives me a chance to think about
what I need to be doing with my wife as well.
So, with that, I'll give you Chris M.
Wow, what an introduction.
I'm Chris and I'm an alcoholic.
Let's see, I have a sponsor.
Who has a sponsor?
I sponsor other men.
My sobriety date is May 22nd, 2017.
So, just a little over two years sober now.
I'm very grateful to be asked to speak tonight.
There was a lot going on.
I've been away from my family, as Robert mentioned, for almost three weeks.
And I was concerned about coming tonight to speak on top of all that.
But, you know, I've learned that when AA asks,
I say yes, no matter how inconvenient it is.
So, here I am.
I want to say thank you to those who are out here.
I'm actually a bit overwhelmed because I can see more than half of you, I know.
And at some point during my sobriety, you've been an inspiration to me
or I've had a conversation with you
or you've been there with a smiling face to greet me
and I'm really grateful for that.
And I also want to say to the newcomer who's here for the first time,
everybody comes to their first meeting at some point.
Everybody you see here has been sober for some time,
had their first meeting at some point.
And this thing?
This thing works if you stick with it.
So, with that introduction, I shall get started.
My story is a little different than a lot of stories I hear in AA.
The reason I say that is I came to AA a number of years ago
and I was thinking maybe I was in the wrong place
because it seemed like everybody who was sharing their story was saying,
you know, they were six years old and they had a drink or something
and they had arrived at that point, you know.
And they were off and they were drinking from that point forward
and that was not the case.
That was not the case with me at all.
In fact, my father was an alcoholic
and my mom figured it out pretty quick.
When I was about two, she'd had enough and she divorced him.
We were living in Mississippi at the time
and she disliked that enough where she moved to Alaska
and got remarried.
So, anyway, I'd spend my summers with my dad in Mississippi
and he was in the military so he moved around a bit,
so some different places.
And I saw, you know,
the alcohol effects on him.
But, you know, not all the time, just like in the summer.
But I knew enough, especially as I was getting a little older,
that, you know, I didn't want to be like that.
I remember one particularly scary time.
We were driving home from his work
and he worked like a night job
and he was kind of passing out as he was driving
and we were swerving off the road.
And I was, you know, maybe, I don't know, seven years old
or something like that, but it scared the Jesus out of me.
And I also remember when I was in the military,
when I was visiting him, too,
we had this thing in my house
where I always got to take a sip of whatever my parents were drinking,
which is Coke or anything else.
But he would never let me have a sip of what he was drinking.
In fact, he got really mad and would yell at me sometimes
and I didn't understand, you know, what was behind that.
So, you know, as I got older,
I recognized that drinking too much was a problem
and I did not want to be like that.
But then, backing up a little bit to Alaska,
growing up there, my mom remarried
and her and my stepfather were pretty popular people in their community
and they'd have parties all the time and have people over
and, of course, there was alcohol.
My mom was all into the, you know, homebrew thing.
She didn't do beer, but she did all kinds of liqueurs
and other things like that and strawberry daiquiris and whatever.
And she'd let us kids have it, you know.
We wouldn't drink a ton of it, but we'd take a couple of sips of this or that
or whatever, a beer or something like that.
And I don't remember ever thinking,
wow, I like this.
It's just, ooh, this tastes good.
It's like Kool-Aid or whatever, you know, it was sweet.
And if it was too bitter, then I didn't like it at all.
So I didn't really care anything about alcohol.
Even through high school, when other people were drinking, you know,
and talking about how messed up they got the previous day
and telling stories about how they got their eyebrows shaved off
and all this other crazy stuff, I wasn't into any of that.
In fact, actually, I was talking with one of my friends in the program,
earlier, right before this meeting, and we were talking about EpiCac.
Have you guys ever had your parents give you EpiCac before?
When I was about four, I found my grandmother's pills that she used
to put her contacts in to clean them overnight.
They came in these little packets.
I discovered them, and I ate them, and they taste salty.
So I ate a couple of them.
And my mom gave me EpiCac.
She said, here, honey, this will make you better.
Oh, my God.
I was throwing up for hours and hours and hours on end.
And when I was done throwing up, I continued throwing up nothing.
So people would talk about how they got so sick, and they were throwing up and stuff.
And I was like, that does not sound good at all.
I'm not even remotely interested in that.
So even when I went to college, I just wasn't interested in alcohol.
People would go out to parties and stuff, and I would go,
but I would be like, why would you want to drink?
I remember when I turned 20, I think it was 21, or was it 18?
I don't remember.
When you're allowed to drink.
21?
I went out and bought a beer because I'm like, I'm 21.
I'm going to have a beer.
And I hate beer.
So it was nasty, but I was like, I'm 21.
I'm determined to drink this beer.
So I shook it until it was flat to try to drink it.
And it was still nasty, so I put sugar in it.
And I tried to drink it, and I couldn't even finish the whole beer.
So why am I telling you all that?
I'm telling you that because I believe, in my case,
that you don't have to realize you have a problem with alcohol
the very first time you have a drink.
If you drink enough alcohol, at some point you will become an alcoholic.
And the big book talks about that.
It says that there's a line that you cross, and once you cross that line,
you lose control over your ability to drink or not.
And that's what happened with me.
So fast forward to really when all this stuff started with alcohol.
It was in my early 30s.
I'm about 43 now.
About to be 44.
And, you know, we were starting to drink alcohol.
Okay, wait, I'm married at this point, right?
So I have a wife, and we have friends, and we have parties on the weekends and whatever.
And we drink some.
You know, we have friends over.
We have wine.
You know, we might have something, some stronger drinks or whatever.
But just a little bit of this and that or whatever.
It's not really any sort of big deal.
But a couple of years into that, my dad, who...
who is an alcoholic, used to live in Mississippi and other places.
And we were living here in Georgia.
And he ended up moving here to Georgia because of some circumstances.
And he was still drinking.
And something about seeing him drinking firsthand was very painful for me.
I mean, it's interesting because...
I guess because I didn't...
It's a normal thing, I think, for kids as they grow older to kind of, like, idealize their father.
And as they start kind of getting older, they realize that their dad isn't quite as, you know, perfect as they thought.
And they kind of learn over time.
And by the time you're 30 or so, you're kind of used to it.
In my case, I spent so much time away from him that I kind of missed out on that.
So then when he was living close to me, I was still kind of idealizing him.
But I would see him in what alcohol was doing to him.
So, you know, I had a house at this time.
And I had a huge lawn.
And it was like a quarter of an acre.
Something like that.
And the bushes would just grow completely out of control.
Because he would come over sometimes to help me mow the lawn.
But, you know, he would come over.
Sometimes he wouldn't come.
Sometimes he'd be late.
But invariably when he would come, there'd be a new bruise.
Or there would be...
You know, he'd lost another job.
Or there'd be another dent in his car.
Or something like that.
And it was painful to see.
Because I knew it was happening.
And I didn't want to face that.
So I wouldn't usually ask him.
But when I would, of course...
He would make up an excuse.
And he would lie to me.
And I confronted him about that at some point.
I'm like, Dad, I'm not stupid.
I know what's going on.
In fact, I remember I told him, I know what's going on.
If you need to drink, just drink.
You don't have to make an excuse.
Just say, I can't make it.
Don't have to make an excuse.
But he would continue making these excuses.
It had to be hard for him thinking about that in retrospect.
But, okay, why am I telling you that?
I'm telling you that because it's around that time
when I discovered that alcohol would make me feel better.
So, my dad is drinking.
And it's negatively affecting his life.
And that's causing me pain.
And I'm realizing that drinking makes that pain go away.
Isn't that crazy?
So, again, we're having friends over.
There's the wine.
My wife usually buys...
Well, she does the grocery shopping.
So she's actually buying the wine and stuff.
And I'm going through...
In short, we're going through a case a week or something like that.
And she's just buying more.
She's not even asking any questions or anything.
She's just replenishing the wine supply.
I don't know if she's like, he's thirsty or something.
I don't know.
But she didn't question it.
And I didn't question it either.
I mean, I wasn't thinking, oh, wow, I'm drinking this.
It's just like some kind of subconscious thing.
I wasn't thinking about it at all.
I was, you know, just drinking.
So, and the other bit about that, too,
I didn't really have any consequences from the drinking
because I'm in IT and I work from home.
And my wife and I, at least at this point in our marriage,
it was not a good situation for me to drive
because we both have strong feelings and opinions
about how driving should be done.
And when she's driving, I have the ability to suppress my thoughts.
When I'm driving, she does not.
So we basically agreed fairly early on
she was going to do all the driving.
So I'm in IT.
I'm working from home.
I'm kind of a project worker,
which means they give me a project to do
and I disappear for three months.
And then when I'm done, I say, hey, the project's done.
So I don't even have to talk on the phone.
I don't have to drive anywhere.
So I can drink all I want.
No consequences.
And I loved it, honestly,
because it's a great thing.
It really made me feel better.
And I'm a coder.
For some reason, they talk, I think,
I don't know who it is that says that, you know,
that whenever you're under the influence of alcohol, drugs, or whatever,
it can be like a creative thing.
And it was for me, actually.
I wrote a lot of fantastic code while I was drunk.
I didn't remember writing it afterwards,
but I looked at it when I was done.
And I was like, wow, this is awesome.
So, yeah, I'm drinking this stuff
and I don't really have any consequences.
But soon enough, wine isn't cutting it anymore.
And I remember going into,
it was actually Tower Liquor Store up on Beaufort Highway.
And I was talking to this guy about wines or whatever.
And he said, have you ever thought about vodka?
Which is weird, right?
And I was like, yeah, I've had vodka before, you know,
but it's kind of expensive
because whenever I would drink vodka,
I'd, you know, I'd drink like Grey Goose
or something like that.
Because I'm fancy that way.
But he's like, there's this stuff called taco,
which is really cheap.
And it tastes great.
And I was like, okay, I'll try it.
I loved it.
Okay, I loved it.
I mean, I didn't like it straight.
I'd either have to put it in the freezer and drink it
so it didn't taste like much
or I'd mix it with Pepsi or something.
But it was great.
It's cheap.
Did the job.
So I started hiding that right away, right?
And by pint, in my office,
I had this little couch
and I'd like put one of the pillow
on my couch
because my wife never came to my office.
I'd put one or two in the trash can
because my wife would never take the trash out
and other places like that.
And I even,
but what's funny about that is
I did that for a number of years
and my wife never once found any of that stuff.
Yet, my hiding places got more and more complicated.
At one point,
this is crazy.
At one point, I had a vodka bottle
tied to a rope over a branch
in the property,
you know, next to my house
that I would, you know, I mean,
I can't explain that craziness.
So, yeah, I mean, I'm drinking a lot.
There's really not much in terms of consequences
except stuff starts happening
like my wife comes home from work
and she finds me passed out on the floor
in the bathroom
and she's like, are you okay?
And I'm like, yeah, I'm just tired
or whatever.
And she has no, guys, I'm telling you,
she has no idea.
She really has no idea.
She doesn't know really until
much, much later that there's anything wrong.
She's just, you know.
So, you know, I'm kind of like,
maybe this alcohol thing's a problem.
Maybe I should try to back off this a little bit.
And I tried, you know, a couple of times.
I wasn't really very successful.
Then my dad ended up dying from alcoholism,
you know.
And it progressed, you know.
You know, like I said,
it started with the bruises
and the, you know, the ding cars
and stuff like that and losing jobs.
But eventually, my stepmother,
he was living with her.
She kicked him out
and he lived in a really terrible part of town.
It's a crappy apartment in the basement.
The AC and the heater didn't even work,
I don't think.
And, you know, vodka bottles
and all this other crap everywhere.
Yeah, and then he died.
And I got to see him, you know,
the last couple of days before he died.
He was over at Emory Hospital
here on Claremont Road,
which is close to this clubhouse
in Neville Club.
As it was happening,
things kind of happened for a reason, I guess.
I was actually doing some contract work
for the VA at the time
and I was working two floors down
from where my father was,
you know, right before he died.
So I got to, you know,
the thing is that he had hurt me so much.
Actually, at some point,
I decided to cut my relationship off with him
because it was too painful to even talk to him.
Because when I would talk to him on the phone,
it'd be one lie after another or whatever.
And it just hurt too much.
So if I hadn't have been in the hospital
doing that other work,
I don't think I would have even talked to him.
But I did.
I went up to see him, you know,
and I saw him a couple of times.
And my uncle, who's an Al-Anon,
suggested to me,
nobody knows I'm drinking or anything,
but he suggested to me
that I write him a letter or something
to, you know, say my goodbyes
and make my peace and stuff.
That was too difficult for me.
And so the closest I could get for that
was that my uncle wrote a letter to him.
And I read the letter to him.
And, yeah, it was,
I'm glad that I was able to at least do that.
But, you know, it's,
I was talking about this idol,
you know, idolizing of your father and whatever.
But when you see your dad
in a hospital bed,
knowing that he,
he consciously made decisions
to put himself there.
Seeing him hooked up to all the machines
and, you know,
the biggest thing for me
is they had pads on his legs.
And the pads are basically because,
I guess, you know,
your liver's not functioning anymore
and your blood's not flowing or whatever.
So they have to squeeze your legs
to kind of keep the blood up
in your abdomen so you can stay alive.
Wow, I mean, what a crappy way to go, really.
And you would think that seeing that,
I would say,
this alcohol thing's a problem.
But, nope.
I drank much, much more.
And why?
I think why, retrospectively,
is that alcohol was my solution.
That was a very, very painful experience.
And it continued to be more and more,
and more painful.
And I needed more and more alcohol
to drown it out.
So, he eventually passed.
And, I know, I'm drinking.
And, in the meantime,
my wife gets pregnant,
which is fantastic
because, actually, we'd been already married
for quite a number of years at that point
and we'd been trying for, like,
two years or something.
And we'd been to go see doctors,
you know, to find out what's going on
or whatever.
But, she ended up getting pregnant.
I was very happy about that.
And I said, okay, I'm going to stop.
And I tried.
But, you know, I'd stop for a day or two
or a week or maybe a couple of months.
But the thing is that something would happen,
whatever it was.
My wife and I would have an argument
or something would happen at work or whatever.
And that restlessness, irritable, and discontent
they talk about in the big book would come.
And I didn't have any way of dealing with that
other than drinking.
So, I'd go crazy.
I just had to have a drink.
I mean, that's the only way I could survive.
So, I would drink again, you know.
And then I'd do the line in the sand another time.
You know, I said, all right,
well, when the baby comes, I'll stop.
And my son came.
I didn't stop.
And then I said, okay, we bought a new house.
And I said, okay, when we buy the new house,
I'm not going to stop.
I'm not going to have a drink in our new house.
It's like a week after we bought the new house
I was drinking in it already.
Um.
And, you know, it's just, you know,
it's just, you know, it's just, you know,
and there's some pretty terrible stuff
that happened while I was drinking.
Um, because I mentioned I work from home.
My wife works actually in the office.
So, I was the, my wife stayed home for some time
to raise our child the first couple of months.
But after that, I was the primary caregiver
during the day.
Um, and when I was very hungover one time,
I was changing him on the changing station.
And, uh, and he fell off the changing station
onto a hardwood floor, you know,
from about, from about that height.
And, uh, I was terrified that he might have
brain damage or something.
And, of course, my wife was completely freaking out.
Um, and several things like that happened.
But, did I stop drinking?
No.
I tried.
I couldn't.
So, when I got to the new house, um,
this is when it was, this is when I was really
drinking every day.
I don't even know how much I was drinking,
because I wouldn't remember.
So, what would usually happen would be, like,
each day, I'd say, okay, I know I have to take care
of my son.
So, um, if I get up at six o'clock, and he wakes
up at nine, if I drink, like, an ounce and a half,
then it'll be out of my system by the time he wakes
up or whatever.
So, I would, like, I would actually measure out
the ounces and try to work around the schedule
of when I was responsible for my child.
But it would never work, right?
I mean, sometimes it works.
Sometimes I wouldn't be able to do that.
But usually what would happen is, I'd have a couple
of ounces, and then I just couldn't stand it.
I had to have more.
I'd just be like, a little bit more.
I just, I'm not quite there yet.
I need a little bit more.
And I'd have a little bit more.
And at some point, it was just like, ah, fuck it, you know?
Um, and usually what would happen is, in order to try to,
you know, minimize it, I would go buy a pint or something
and say, okay, I'm only going to have this pint.
But then when the pint was out, and I was good and drunk,
I would go buy another one and not even remember doing it.
And a lot of this I did with my kids.
I did with my kid in the car, from when he was days old
until he was years old, almost every day.
I never got a DUI.
I never got into an accident.
I do not know how.
I really don't know how, you know?
I deserve to have 1,500 DUIs or more.
I don't even know what the number is, but a lot of them.
So and then one time, too, um, oh yeah, so let me, let me
fast forward a little bit more.
It was shortly after my son was born.
I think he wasn't even a year old.
And my stepfather that I grew up with in Alaska,
for all intents and purposes, my dad, because he's the one
I spent the most time with growing up, actually killed himself.
And as difficult as it was to see my dad, my actual biological father,
die, dealing with my stepfather killing himself was extremely,
extremely difficult.
I went into a very deep depression.
I was in a very deep depression.
I was in a very deep depression.
I was in a very deep depression.
Uh, and I was drinking a lot.
And I was so sad and so dysfunctional, basically, unable to function.
I went to my doctor, and I said, um, I'm sad all the time.
I don't know what to do.
And he said, well, you should take lorazepam, which is benzodiazepine,
which you should not take when you're drinking.
Um, so I don't remember how long I took it.
It might have been a week or two weeks or something like that.
But basically, that entire time, I was in a blackout.
My wife actually told, told me she had to lift my head out of some, um, some, like,
Modu-chan soup because I'd passed out in the soup, you know?
And then, uh, another time too, um, I had this baby Bjorn thing that, um, you know,
you strap on and you can put your baby in it and walk around with him.
So I would take him and I'd put him in that and we would go for a walk, you know, my wife
and I and our son together.
But one of those times when I was on lorazepam and drinking in a total blackout, I took a
look at my child for a walk.
And I, I, I walked on a very busy street, um, and we came back okay.
We came back okay.
Um, the only reason I know about this is because my wife told me when, when she opened the
door, she saw me there drooling out the side of my mouth and said, you know, where have
you been?
What are you doing?
And I was like, or whatever.
I mean, holy cow.
I have no idea.
No idea.
But how my son is alive today or I'm alive today with all that kind of stuff that happened.
So I said, all right, shortly after that, I need to do something about this.
And this is where I tell you about, you know, AA, I was going to AA and I was going to the
rooms and everyone was talking about how they were, you know, they drank the first time
and then they were done.
And I was like, I must be in the wrong place.
You know, that's the way my dad appeared to be, but I can stop for a while if I want to.
So maybe I'm making too much noise.
I don't know how much of a big deal about this thing.
And I don't know, I got a sponsor and I think I was sober like a month or something like
that.
And, and I went back out again for some trivial reason, I don't know.
And then I said, again, you know, this is too, this is getting serious.
I need to do something.
And I checked myself into Peachford for detox.
And I was afraid about it going on my medical record and causing problems.
So.
And I ended up, I decided to write them a check in advance for, for as for my stay, which
was extremely stupid.
I mean, they will keep you until the last cent is spent.
Okay.
But you know, I was, I got, I made sure I got myself good and drunk before I went there.
So.
I wasn't necessarily in my best decision making state.
But you know, I had seen on TV these recovery centers that like, I don't know, that, that,
you know, I don't know.
Yeah.
Hollywood stars and stuff went into.
So I imagine it was something like
where you've got your own private room
and, you know,
someone came in to tend with you
and then you wore like a robe
and went to like, you know, a sauna
and all this.
That's what I thought it was, really.
So, you know, I'm IT
and I work from home.
I brought my computer
and all this other stuff.
I figured, you know,
I'll just work from home from this place
while I recover.
No, they immediately confiscated all that stuff.
And then I remember the first night
I was there,
like all the stuff was gone
and it became obvious to me
they weren't going to let me leave or anything.
And I'm like,
but you don't understand.
I'm not supposed to be here.
I checked myself in, okay?
But yeah, they kept me.
And that was such a horrible experience for me.
I'm, you know, I'm definitely not,
I've never been in any prisons or jail
or anything like that,
but I'm the kind of guy
who would just, you know,
be destroyed by something like that.
And, you know,
being in recovery,
was really bad for me.
I mean, I had my life threatened
while I was in there too,
which had been the first time
that ever happened before.
I was, I had this roommate who was,
they do this light check first off
where they come in like every couple hours
and they flash a flashlight in your eye
to make sure you're still alive,
you know, because it's that serious.
So I wasn't getting any sleep.
But I had this roommate who would snore like,
I mean, really loud all night.
So I wasn't getting any sleep.
So I went out to like this common area
where they had some chairs
to try to sleep across the chairs.
And there was some guy there
and he's like,
fuck off or I'm going to shake your ass.
You know, I was like, oh God.
So I went back in, you know,
with my roommate.
I mean, that was preferable to death for sure.
So, you know,
I remember being on the phone with my wife
and I was saying, God, get me out of here.
Get me out of here.
Every time I'd, you know,
get a chance to call her.
So she was terrified too.
I was telling her all this crap
that was happening while I was in there.
And she was coming in
and trying to convince him
to let me out and whatever.
Anyway, so eventually I got out
and I was scared straight at this point.
Right?
Um, I, uh, I went to AA again
and I managed to stay sober this time
for nine months.
And I had every intention in the world
of never drinking again.
Um, but one day I decided to drink again.
And here's how that happened.
It's very weird.
I went and bought a quart, of course,
because that's what I do.
I don't want to drink too much.
And I got a shot glass
and I measured out an ounce
and I put it on my table and my desk.
And I spent like an hour
making out with this glass
of vodka.
Like, uh, before actually drinking it.
What I mean is I looked at it
and I smelled it
and I'd like pick it up
and look at it.
And I, you know,
but I wouldn't actually drink it
until like an hour, an hour later.
And then I went,
choop!
And it was on again.
You know?
And it was another six years.
You know?
Another six years.
Now, um, during those six years,
the consequences started getting,
you know,
I never really had,
a lot of the extreme circumstances
you hear about it in here.
But the, the, you know,
the circumstances were kind of
getting higher and higher
where I was starting to have
some issues at work.
And of course,
my wife knew it was going on
at this point
and she was threatening to leave me.
Um, you know,
my son was starting to realize
that something wasn't quite right.
Um,
and I remember
I was in our master bedroom
laying there
and thinking about my life.
And
I realized
that,
I'd heard it before
and I believe it,
the alcoholic's path,
the progression,
is progressive and known.
What I mean is,
if you start drinking
and you say,
oh, you know,
I've got time,
you're fooling yourself
because it is a known pattern.
It basically happens to everybody.
If you, if you,
you either die,
you know,
before you get to the end
or you go through all the stuff
that we all go through.
And I saw that
because I'd seen it in my dad.
And I knew that
that was the same path I was on.
And I was not willing
to live that path.
So,
I decided
either I'm going to kill myself
or I'm going to do AA for real.
And
the very next day,
the very next evening,
actually,
I came here in this room,
8 o'clock p.m. on Sunday.
And I went up to the front of the room
and I said,
I need a sponsor!
And I got one.
And there was two guys.
And it's funny.
I mean,
I'm desperate, right?
I'm at the point
where I'm deciding
whether I'm going to live or not,
basically.
And there's the two guys
that offered to be my sponsor.
And I don't want to hurt
anybody's feelings.
So, you know,
I'm sitting here trying.
I'm like,
I kind of like this guy,
but this guy seems nice, too.
You know?
So, anyway,
I eventually ended up
picking the guy
that I felt was better.
And we went out to,
there's a gazebo outside here.
So we went out to the gazebo
and we started talking.
And I told him
all the reasons
why AA,
all the problems
I had with AA.
And I didn't do that
because I was telling him off.
I did that because
I was telling him
I want to work past this stuff
because I don't care.
I don't know.
I don't know how to stop drinking.
You guys have this figured out.
So you tell me what to do.
He said,
don't worry about it.
You know,
I'll agree to be
your temporary sponsor,
he said.
And we'll work
through this thing together.
And he called his wife,
you know,
and said,
hey, honey,
I'm going to be late.
I'm talking to a guy.
And we sat out there
talking for quite a while.
And the poor guy,
I tell you,
because it was rough
for me in the beginning,
as it is for many of us.
I mean,
I was crazy, clearly.
I called him every day.
Every day.
Even when
we were going on vacation,
I called him
from the Caribbean,
you know.
And it was crazy, too,
because I didn't,
we didn't have phone service.
All I had was a phone
and this crappy,
like,
voice over IP
application on my phone.
And the only place
it would work
was, like,
right under this light
in, like,
the middle of this hotel complex
we were in.
So I was, like,
standing out there
at this light,
like,
can you hear me?
Can you hear me?
Talking to my sponsor
because I needed that.
God,
it was so crazy.
I recognized
that I could not think
for myself properly.
I could not make
good decisions.
So I delegated
all of that
to my sponsor.
So whatever he said to do,
I just did it.
Now,
every now and again,
I'd have some kind
of reservation,
but I'd be like,
okay.
And then do whatever
it is he said
because I didn't want
to drink anymore.
I wanted to be sober.
I wanted to be done
with this thing.
I mean,
I did this
completely unreservedly
because I did not want
there to be any chance
of any little,
you know,
uncovered corner
or something
that might come back
and bite me later.
I wanted to be done.
Done and done
with this drinking thing.
So,
we went through
the steps together
and, you know,
we met and went
through the big book
and everything like that.
And we worked
through a lot of stuff.
I mean,
one of the big things
was God.
So,
I mentioned I had
a stepfather.
Him and I
were not close.
That's an understatement.
He was physically abusive
to me
and my brothers
and sisters.
And it was a pretty
horrific childhood.
Basically,
we lived in terror
most of our childhood.
And he was a man
of influence
in the community.
And the reason
I say that
is that there's
a number of times
that these incidents
spilled over
and authorities found out
or, you know,
school officials found out
or something
and he would just squash it.
You know?
He was untouchable.
In fact,
this one time
I went to,
I was going to church school
and I went to the church school
when I was maybe nine
and I was crying hysterically
and I was crying hysterically
and normally
I wouldn't do that
because he would always
threaten us.
You know,
he'd say,
if you tell anybody about this,
you know,
blah, blah, blah, blah,
insert your threat here.
So we wouldn't,
you know,
me and my brothers and sisters,
we wouldn't say anything.
But this time
it was just so out of control
I couldn't keep it in
and I just started crying
uncontrollably.
So they called me
into the principal's office
and they asked me
what happened.
And I told them.
And this happened to be
at the same church
we went to.
It was a church school.
So I didn't hear
anything about it
until that evening
my mom said,
did you say something
to the school
about your dad?
And I said yes.
And that was the end
of that conversation.
And then Sunday
when we were at church
he wrote a nice
big fat check
and put it into the
plate they were
passing around.
That was the end of that.
So,
so yeah,
not a very good childhood.
Yeah,
that was hard.
So,
so when it came time,
okay,
so there was another time too
that that happened
where I was at
my friend's church.
My friend was a
very religious person
and his parents were too.
And there was a church service
and they said,
are there any prayer requests?
And I raised my hand
and I said,
you know,
I'd like to pray
that my dad
stops hitting us.
My brothers and sisters.
Same thing.
Got squashed.
So,
needless to say,
by the time I was
in my 30s,
I freaking
hated
God
or anything,
anybody who said
anything about God
or the J word
or anything.
If you mention
anything like that,
you are instantly
on the stupid list
and I want to have
nothing to do with you.
Okay?
So I came in here
and I saw that
there was God
up there
on the board
with the steps
and I was like,
oh,
you've got to be kidding me.
But fortunately,
my sponsor,
the way that,
if you read the big book,
I mean,
this program really
makes it easy
no matter where you are
with God
or not with God.
And the way that
it's worked for me
is to
take the action
that's been prescribed.
In other words,
I'm a scientific
kind of guy, right?
I treat it like an experiment.
The steps tell you,
you do A, B, C, D
in this order.
I do that
and then,
you know,
at the end of the experiment
you get your result
and you either,
you look at the result
and you evaluate
whether it worked or not
and you make adjustments
along the way.
So that's the way
I've looked at it.
And that's working for me.
It's worked for two years.
You know,
I have no idea
what God is or isn't.
I've gotten to the point now
where it doesn't
completely piss me off
when someone talks about God.
I don't hate church people.
In fact,
when I see someone
going to church
and they tell me about it,
I'm like,
yeah,
I'm really glad
you have something
that's working for you.
And I mean it.
You know,
I'm okay with that.
Now,
the J word,
I'm still having issues with,
but I'll get there eventually.
You know,
I don't know
if I'll ever go to church.
That's,
you know,
we'll see how that goes.
But,
my point is,
if you have issues
with the God thing,
it doesn't have to be
that complicated.
It doesn't have to be
the God of your childhood.
I have no idea
what God is or isn't.
But I do know
that when I follow the steps
as they're outlined
in the big book,
this thing works.
And I'm,
I'm able not to drink.
But not only
am I able not to drink,
a lot of things
in my life
have gotten better.
What do I mean by that?
I mean,
one of the things
that was happening
with me,
even before I started drinking,
is I was always thinking
about what I had done
or what I needed to do.
It was like
life was just
flying by.
I would be in the park
with my wife
and my son.
Beautiful day.
Trees,
birds,
you know,
chirping all that other stuff.
And I'm thinking about
what I have to do at work.
Right?
And my son's trying to talk to me
and I'm getting annoyed with him
because I'm trying to
have these thoughts about things
and he's interrupting my thoughts.
Something about
turning things over
to the God of my understanding
and praying
and, you know,
letting all that stuff go
allows me
most days,
most of the time
to be here
where I am
right now
and connect with you.
And
I can't do that.
And
I can't tell you
what an amazing
transformation
that has been for me.
I feel
much more connected
with people in this world
and my wife
and my son
and my mom
than I've ever felt
in my life.
And, you know,
I didn't expect that.
And who knows?
I mean,
I don't know
that you'll get that
if you do this thing
right away or whatever
but I do know
it works for
stopping drinking.
You know?
So,
but
I do also believe
that it's important
to get a sponsor.
And to do
what your sponsor says.
I've sponsored people
before, too.
And
it's amazing.
I mean,
guys will say to me,
Chris,
I have to stop drinking.
Tell me what to do.
And I'll tell them
what to do.
And they'll argue with me.
But I can't do that
because on Tuesdays
I've got, you know,
blah, blah, blah, blah,
whatever.
I'm like,
I thought you just said
it doesn't work.
It just,
from what I've seen,
it doesn't work.
You either have to
abandon everything
and give yourself
fully to this
or you have to
or, you know,
there's no point
in even really trying,
I don't think.
Now, I'll also say
about the God thing, too.
It was obvious to me
early on
that
turning my will
and my life
over to God
would be something
I'd also have to do
unreservedly.
And that was terrifying.
And I'll tell you why.
Because
I didn't know
what that would look like.
I remember it was actually
I was at a 1.30 meeting
over in this room
over here
when this thought
came to me.
I thought that
that would maybe be
me selling all my
worldly possessions
and leaving my wife
and son
and traveling the earth,
roaming the earth
looking for alcoholics
and trying to save them
or whatever.
I mean,
but I think it was important
for me to think that
because
it allowed me
to think through
all the things
that I was afraid of losing
and all the things
that I might say,
well, maybe I'll drink
if I lose my wife.
Maybe I'll drink
if my son dies.
It allowed me
to go through all of those
and let them all go.
I let them all go.
So then I wasn't afraid.
Really.
I said, you know,
God,
if you allow me to be sober,
I'll do whatever,
you know,
whatever,
I'll let go of whatever.
Because I'm no good
to my wife or my son
or anybody else,
you know,
if I'm drinking.
So,
anyway,
I think
I'm getting close
to the end of time.
So what does it look like
today for me?
I mean,
so what does my wife
look like today?
So what is actually
God's will for me today?
What's really awesome
about,
what it looks like
is me being
a good husband
and a good father,
a good employee,
a good son,
a good friend,
a good AA member.
That's what it looks like.
My life basically
looks the same
as it did before.
But I'm doing
some stuff
to help some people
on the side
and being a better person.
So it's not this
dramatic,
you know,
change of life.
You know,
it's much better
than I could ever
have hoped for.
And one of the cool
things about it too
is because I'm in IT,
there's some needs
that AA has for IT.
And I've been able,
to be helpful
to AA
using that stuff.
I mean,
again,
I'm sitting here thinking
I have to pull people
out of the gutter
and help them.
But I'm actually
over here working
on spreadsheets
and Google Maps
and stuff like that
for AA.
That's cool.
Anyway,
so,
guys,
if you,
if you want to get sober,
this thing works.
But you got to do it,
you got to do it
wholeheartedly.
Get a sponsor,
work the steps,
and you can be sober too.
Thanks.
Thank you.
Thank you, Chris.
Super.
You really delivered.
We appreciate you.
And Carrie's going to
give out the chips.
Thanks, Chris.
That was great.
Appreciate it.
I'm Carrie.
I'm an alcoholic.
Hi, everybody.
And we use a chip system here
to mark your time in sobriety.
First chip we want to offer
is a white chip,
surrender chip.
Anybody want to
give it up?
Try this way of life?
There she is.
Guys,
if you stay sober
30 days,
look what you get.
How's that?
Hmm?
Anybody need
the 30-day chip?
This one is nice.
60.
60.
We do 60 days
Oh, wow.
Congratulations to you
for your
congratulations
on 30.
with you.
Congratulations
on 30.
That's 50.
You did
a good job.
Congratulations.
Congratulations.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Any more things?
Yeah.
More things?
Yeah.
I'll be back.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
60 days? What was 60 days ago? Big day. Okay. Okay. 90 days. You get a red chip. Anybody
have 90 days? Okay. How about six months? Six months. Yellow chip. It's very beautiful.
Keep working toward it if you don't have it yet. Green one. Nine months. Anybody have
nine months? Okay. And does anybody have a birthday? Birthday today?
Okay.
I get to do a little announcement. This is Claire. She's an alcoholic.
Oh, thank you.
Congratulations.
Congratulations. Tell them how you did it.
Hey, I'm Claire. I'm an alcoholic. And this is 10.
One thing that when I came in here, I knew I was powerless. And that's one thing that
I never, ever waver on. I know I'm powerless over this, you know. So that's one thing I
never lose sight of. Another thing I did was...
I got a sponsor. And the light really started coming on for me when that happened. I stay
in close contact with my sponsor on a daily, you know, weekly basis. And that helps me
a lot with my crazy head because I still have a crazy head. I just have to work on it every
day. I keep doing the same things that I did when I first came in. You know, not all
perfectly. By any means, some of them, you know, they ebb and flow a little bit. But
when they fall down, I pick them back up and I start doing them again. And the thing
for me that falls down a lot is my prayer life. And when that falls down, I immediately
know I've got to start that back because that determines how I feel. And I feel a lot
better when I'm close to God. And one of the most rewarding things for me that I don't
like doing the most, but it's the most rewarding, is sponsorship.
Okay.
I do that kicking and screaming, but when I do it, oh my gosh. You know, angels sing.
And this stuff makes sense. And so that's all I've got. I'm grateful. Thank you so much.
Congratulations, Claire. Anybody else for a year or multiples? Has anybody really been
thinking about it hard? Maybe want to come back and get this white chip? All right.
Well, thank God for the chips you hold.
Good job. Good job, Claire. Congratulations to all the chip getters. Glad you got them.
And congratulations on everybody else's chips as well.
First I slip and then I crisp.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
For a soul that's meant for me.
Takes me where the promises are real
Sometimes quickly, sometimes slow
We get just what we need
On a broad highway
Stride for stride
We walk eternally
I look into love's window
For a heart that beats for me
Takes me where the promises are real
Takes me where the promises are real
And I always long
For something that sets me free
And I don't know
To a world in harmony
This feel of mess of nature
That one day would appear to me
Takes me where the promises are real
Takes me where the promises are real
Are real
The promises are real
Thank you for watching.
Good evening, everyone. My name's Tim, and I'm an alcoholic.
Welcome to the Monday Night Blue Chip Speakers Meeting at the Nava Club,
where a member of Alcoholics Anonymous with one year or more of sobriety tells his or her story.
Thanks, Tim. I need to cue you.
My name's Robert. I'm an alcoholic.
And this is the reading that we do for the Monday Night Blue Chip Speakers Meeting.
This reading is based on a passage from Pentecost.
It's in page 29 of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous.
Each individual in our personal stories describes in their own language, from their own point of view,
the way they establish their relationship with God.
These give a fair cross-section of our membership and a clear-cut idea of what has happened in their lives.
We hope no one will consider these self-revealing accounts in bad taste.
Our hope is that many alcoholic men and women in our room tonight and listening later on aabloochipspeaker.org,
desperately in need, will hear our speaker.
And we believe that it's only by fully disclosing...
disclosing ourselves and our problems that any of us shall be persuaded to say,
yes, I am one of them too.
I must have this thing.
And so now it's my chance to introduce tonight's speaker.
And I'm really looking forward to hearing what Chris has to say.
I've known Chris for a couple of years.
Saw him come in and he visited our home group.
And for a while he was actually a member of our home group.
But he's a member of a group here at NABN now.
I'm going to let him tell his own story.
But he's the kind of guy that I've been able to work steps with.
He's committed to his recovery.
He participates in his recovery through stories.
He's been in service at intergroup, in his home group, and in other areas.
Just got back from a weekend, away from his family,
but got right back home to his wife and had to talk to me about that.
And it was a great thing to hear about because it gives me a chance to think about
what I need to be doing with my wife as well.
So, with that, I'll give you Chris M.
Wow, what an introduction.
I'm Chris and I'm an alcoholic.
Let's see, I have a sponsor.
Who has a sponsor?
I sponsor other men.
My sobriety date is May 22nd, 2017.
So, just a little over two years sober now.
I'm very grateful to be asked to speak tonight.
There was a lot going on.
I've been away from my family, as Robert mentioned, for almost three weeks.
And I was concerned about coming tonight to speak on top of all that.
But, you know, I've learned that when AA asks,
I say yes, no matter how inconvenient it is.
So, here I am.
I want to say thank you to those who are out here.
I'm actually a bit overwhelmed because I can see more than half of you, I know.
And at some point during my sobriety, you've been an inspiration to me
or I've had a conversation with you
or you've been there with a smiling face to greet me
and I'm really grateful for that.
And I also want to say to the newcomer who's here for the first time,
everybody comes to their first meeting at some point.
Everybody you see here has been sober for some time,
had their first meeting at some point.
And this thing?
This thing works if you stick with it.
So, with that introduction, I shall get started.
My story is a little different than a lot of stories I hear in AA.
The reason I say that is I came to AA a number of years ago
and I was thinking maybe I was in the wrong place
because it seemed like everybody who was sharing their story was saying,
you know, they were six years old and they had a drink or something
and they had arrived at that point, you know.
And they were off and they were drinking from that point forward
and that was not the case.
That was not the case with me at all.
In fact, my father was an alcoholic
and my mom figured it out pretty quick.
When I was about two, she'd had enough and she divorced him.
We were living in Mississippi at the time
and she disliked that enough where she moved to Alaska
and got remarried.
So, anyway, I'd spend my summers with my dad in Mississippi
and he was in the military so he moved around a bit,
so some different places.
And I saw, you know,
the alcohol effects on him.
But, you know, not all the time, just like in the summer.
But I knew enough, especially as I was getting a little older,
that, you know, I didn't want to be like that.
I remember one particularly scary time.
We were driving home from his work
and he worked like a night job
and he was kind of passing out as he was driving
and we were swerving off the road.
And I was, you know, maybe, I don't know, seven years old
or something like that, but it scared the Jesus out of me.
And I also remember when I was in the military,
when I was visiting him, too,
we had this thing in my house
where I always got to take a sip of whatever my parents were drinking,
which is Coke or anything else.
But he would never let me have a sip of what he was drinking.
In fact, he got really mad and would yell at me sometimes
and I didn't understand, you know, what was behind that.
So, you know, as I got older,
I recognized that drinking too much was a problem
and I did not want to be like that.
But then, backing up a little bit to Alaska,
growing up there, my mom remarried
and her and my stepfather were pretty popular people in their community
and they'd have parties all the time and have people over
and, of course, there was alcohol.
My mom was all into the, you know, homebrew thing.
She didn't do beer, but she did all kinds of liqueurs
and other things like that and strawberry daiquiris and whatever.
And she'd let us kids have it, you know.
We wouldn't drink a ton of it, but we'd take a couple of sips of this or that
or whatever, a beer or something like that.
And I don't remember ever thinking,
wow, I like this.
It's just, ooh, this tastes good.
It's like Kool-Aid or whatever, you know, it was sweet.
And if it was too bitter, then I didn't like it at all.
So I didn't really care anything about alcohol.
Even through high school, when other people were drinking, you know,
and talking about how messed up they got the previous day
and telling stories about how they got their eyebrows shaved off
and all this other crazy stuff, I wasn't into any of that.
In fact, actually, I was talking with one of my friends in the program,
earlier, right before this meeting, and we were talking about EpiCac.
Have you guys ever had your parents give you EpiCac before?
When I was about four, I found my grandmother's pills that she used
to put her contacts in to clean them overnight.
They came in these little packets.
I discovered them, and I ate them, and they taste salty.
So I ate a couple of them.
And my mom gave me EpiCac.
She said, here, honey, this will make you better.
Oh, my God.
I was throwing up for hours and hours and hours on end.
And when I was done throwing up, I continued throwing up nothing.
So people would talk about how they got so sick, and they were throwing up and stuff.
And I was like, that does not sound good at all.
I'm not even remotely interested in that.
So even when I went to college, I just wasn't interested in alcohol.
People would go out to parties and stuff, and I would go,
but I would be like, why would you want to drink?
I remember when I turned 20, I think it was 21, or was it 18?
I don't remember.
When you're allowed to drink.
21?
I went out and bought a beer because I'm like, I'm 21.
I'm going to have a beer.
And I hate beer.
So it was nasty, but I was like, I'm 21.
I'm determined to drink this beer.
So I shook it until it was flat to try to drink it.
And it was still nasty, so I put sugar in it.
And I tried to drink it, and I couldn't even finish the whole beer.
So why am I telling you all that?
I'm telling you that because I believe, in my case,
that you don't have to realize you have a problem with alcohol
the very first time you have a drink.
If you drink enough alcohol, at some point you will become an alcoholic.
And the big book talks about that.
It says that there's a line that you cross, and once you cross that line,
you lose control over your ability to drink or not.
And that's what happened with me.
So fast forward to really when all this stuff started with alcohol.
It was in my early 30s.
I'm about 43 now.
About to be 44.
And, you know, we were starting to drink alcohol.
Okay, wait, I'm married at this point, right?
So I have a wife, and we have friends, and we have parties on the weekends and whatever.
And we drink some.
You know, we have friends over.
We have wine.
You know, we might have something, some stronger drinks or whatever.
But just a little bit of this and that or whatever.
It's not really any sort of big deal.
But a couple of years into that, my dad, who...
who is an alcoholic, used to live in Mississippi and other places.
And we were living here in Georgia.
And he ended up moving here to Georgia because of some circumstances.
And he was still drinking.
And something about seeing him drinking firsthand was very painful for me.
I mean, it's interesting because...
I guess because I didn't...
It's a normal thing, I think, for kids as they grow older to kind of, like, idealize their father.
And as they start kind of getting older, they realize that their dad isn't quite as, you know, perfect as they thought.
And they kind of learn over time.
And by the time you're 30 or so, you're kind of used to it.
In my case, I spent so much time away from him that I kind of missed out on that.
So then when he was living close to me, I was still kind of idealizing him.
But I would see him in what alcohol was doing to him.
So, you know, I had a house at this time.
And I had a huge lawn.
And it was like a quarter of an acre.
Something like that.
And the bushes would just grow completely out of control.
Because he would come over sometimes to help me mow the lawn.
But, you know, he would come over.
Sometimes he wouldn't come.
Sometimes he'd be late.
But invariably when he would come, there'd be a new bruise.
Or there would be...
You know, he'd lost another job.
Or there'd be another dent in his car.
Or something like that.
And it was painful to see.
Because I knew it was happening.
And I didn't want to face that.
So I wouldn't usually ask him.
But when I would, of course...
He would make up an excuse.
And he would lie to me.
And I confronted him about that at some point.
I'm like, Dad, I'm not stupid.
I know what's going on.
In fact, I remember I told him, I know what's going on.
If you need to drink, just drink.
You don't have to make an excuse.
Just say, I can't make it.
Don't have to make an excuse.
But he would continue making these excuses.
It had to be hard for him thinking about that in retrospect.
But, okay, why am I telling you that?
I'm telling you that because it's around that time
when I discovered that alcohol would make me feel better.
So, my dad is drinking.
And it's negatively affecting his life.
And that's causing me pain.
And I'm realizing that drinking makes that pain go away.
Isn't that crazy?
So, again, we're having friends over.
There's the wine.
My wife usually buys...
Well, she does the grocery shopping.
So she's actually buying the wine and stuff.
And I'm going through...
In short, we're going through a case a week or something like that.
And she's just buying more.
She's not even asking any questions or anything.
She's just replenishing the wine supply.
I don't know if she's like, he's thirsty or something.
I don't know.
But she didn't question it.
And I didn't question it either.
I mean, I wasn't thinking, oh, wow, I'm drinking this.
It's just like some kind of subconscious thing.
I wasn't thinking about it at all.
I was, you know, just drinking.
So, and the other bit about that, too,
I didn't really have any consequences from the drinking
because I'm in IT and I work from home.
And my wife and I, at least at this point in our marriage,
it was not a good situation for me to drive
because we both have strong feelings and opinions
about how driving should be done.
And when she's driving, I have the ability to suppress my thoughts.
When I'm driving, she does not.
So we basically agreed fairly early on
she was going to do all the driving.
So I'm in IT.
I'm working from home.
I'm kind of a project worker,
which means they give me a project to do
and I disappear for three months.
And then when I'm done, I say, hey, the project's done.
So I don't even have to talk on the phone.
I don't have to drive anywhere.
So I can drink all I want.
No consequences.
And I loved it, honestly,
because it's a great thing.
It really made me feel better.
And I'm a coder.
For some reason, they talk, I think,
I don't know who it is that says that, you know,
that whenever you're under the influence of alcohol, drugs, or whatever,
it can be like a creative thing.
And it was for me, actually.
I wrote a lot of fantastic code while I was drunk.
I didn't remember writing it afterwards,
but I looked at it when I was done.
And I was like, wow, this is awesome.
So, yeah, I'm drinking this stuff
and I don't really have any consequences.
But soon enough, wine isn't cutting it anymore.
And I remember going into,
it was actually Tower Liquor Store up on Beaufort Highway.
And I was talking to this guy about wines or whatever.
And he said, have you ever thought about vodka?
Which is weird, right?
And I was like, yeah, I've had vodka before, you know,
but it's kind of expensive
because whenever I would drink vodka,
I'd, you know, I'd drink like Grey Goose
or something like that.
Because I'm fancy that way.
But he's like, there's this stuff called taco,
which is really cheap.
And it tastes great.
And I was like, okay, I'll try it.
I loved it.
Okay, I loved it.
I mean, I didn't like it straight.
I'd either have to put it in the freezer and drink it
so it didn't taste like much
or I'd mix it with Pepsi or something.
But it was great.
It's cheap.
Did the job.
So I started hiding that right away, right?
And by pint, in my office,
I had this little couch
and I'd like put one of the pillow
on my couch
because my wife never came to my office.
I'd put one or two in the trash can
because my wife would never take the trash out
and other places like that.
And I even,
but what's funny about that is
I did that for a number of years
and my wife never once found any of that stuff.
Yet, my hiding places got more and more complicated.
At one point,
this is crazy.
At one point, I had a vodka bottle
tied to a rope over a branch
in the property,
you know, next to my house
that I would, you know, I mean,
I can't explain that craziness.
So, yeah, I mean, I'm drinking a lot.
There's really not much in terms of consequences
except stuff starts happening
like my wife comes home from work
and she finds me passed out on the floor
in the bathroom
and she's like, are you okay?
And I'm like, yeah, I'm just tired
or whatever.
And she has no, guys, I'm telling you,
she has no idea.
She really has no idea.
She doesn't know really until
much, much later that there's anything wrong.
She's just, you know.
So, you know, I'm kind of like,
maybe this alcohol thing's a problem.
Maybe I should try to back off this a little bit.
And I tried, you know, a couple of times.
I wasn't really very successful.
Then my dad ended up dying from alcoholism,
you know.
And it progressed, you know.
You know, like I said,
it started with the bruises
and the, you know, the ding cars
and stuff like that and losing jobs.
But eventually, my stepmother,
he was living with her.
She kicked him out
and he lived in a really terrible part of town.
It's a crappy apartment in the basement.
The AC and the heater didn't even work,
I don't think.
And, you know, vodka bottles
and all this other crap everywhere.
Yeah, and then he died.
And I got to see him, you know,
the last couple of days before he died.
He was over at Emory Hospital
here on Claremont Road,
which is close to this clubhouse
in Neville Club.
As it was happening,
things kind of happened for a reason, I guess.
I was actually doing some contract work
for the VA at the time
and I was working two floors down
from where my father was,
you know, right before he died.
So I got to, you know,
the thing is that he had hurt me so much.
Actually, at some point,
I decided to cut my relationship off with him
because it was too painful to even talk to him.
Because when I would talk to him on the phone,
it'd be one lie after another or whatever.
And it just hurt too much.
So if I hadn't have been in the hospital
doing that other work,
I don't think I would have even talked to him.
But I did.
I went up to see him, you know,
and I saw him a couple of times.
And my uncle, who's an Al-Anon,
suggested to me,
nobody knows I'm drinking or anything,
but he suggested to me
that I write him a letter or something
to, you know, say my goodbyes
and make my peace and stuff.
That was too difficult for me.
And so the closest I could get for that
was that my uncle wrote a letter to him.
And I read the letter to him.
And, yeah, it was,
I'm glad that I was able to at least do that.
But, you know, it's,
I was talking about this idol,
you know, idolizing of your father and whatever.
But when you see your dad
in a hospital bed,
knowing that he,
he consciously made decisions
to put himself there.
Seeing him hooked up to all the machines
and, you know,
the biggest thing for me
is they had pads on his legs.
And the pads are basically because,
I guess, you know,
your liver's not functioning anymore
and your blood's not flowing or whatever.
So they have to squeeze your legs
to kind of keep the blood up
in your abdomen so you can stay alive.
Wow, I mean, what a crappy way to go, really.
And you would think that seeing that,
I would say,
this alcohol thing's a problem.
But, nope.
I drank much, much more.
And why?
I think why, retrospectively,
is that alcohol was my solution.
That was a very, very painful experience.
And it continued to be more and more,
and more painful.
And I needed more and more alcohol
to drown it out.
So, he eventually passed.
And, I know, I'm drinking.
And, in the meantime,
my wife gets pregnant,
which is fantastic
because, actually, we'd been already married
for quite a number of years at that point
and we'd been trying for, like,
two years or something.
And we'd been to go see doctors,
you know, to find out what's going on
or whatever.
But, she ended up getting pregnant.
I was very happy about that.
And I said, okay, I'm going to stop.
And I tried.
But, you know, I'd stop for a day or two
or a week or maybe a couple of months.
But the thing is that something would happen,
whatever it was.
My wife and I would have an argument
or something would happen at work or whatever.
And that restlessness, irritable, and discontent
they talk about in the big book would come.
And I didn't have any way of dealing with that
other than drinking.
So, I'd go crazy.
I just had to have a drink.
I mean, that's the only way I could survive.
So, I would drink again, you know.
And then I'd do the line in the sand another time.
You know, I said, all right,
well, when the baby comes, I'll stop.
And my son came.
I didn't stop.
And then I said, okay, we bought a new house.
And I said, okay, when we buy the new house,
I'm not going to stop.
I'm not going to have a drink in our new house.
It's like a week after we bought the new house
I was drinking in it already.
Um.
And, you know, it's just, you know,
it's just, you know, it's just, you know,
and there's some pretty terrible stuff
that happened while I was drinking.
Um, because I mentioned I work from home.
My wife works actually in the office.
So, I was the, my wife stayed home for some time
to raise our child the first couple of months.
But after that, I was the primary caregiver
during the day.
Um, and when I was very hungover one time,
I was changing him on the changing station.
And, uh, and he fell off the changing station
onto a hardwood floor, you know,
from about, from about that height.
And, uh, I was terrified that he might have
brain damage or something.
And, of course, my wife was completely freaking out.
Um, and several things like that happened.
But, did I stop drinking?
No.
I tried.
I couldn't.
So, when I got to the new house, um,
this is when it was, this is when I was really
drinking every day.
I don't even know how much I was drinking,
because I wouldn't remember.
So, what would usually happen would be, like,
each day, I'd say, okay, I know I have to take care
of my son.
So, um, if I get up at six o'clock, and he wakes
up at nine, if I drink, like, an ounce and a half,
then it'll be out of my system by the time he wakes
up or whatever.
So, I would, like, I would actually measure out
the ounces and try to work around the schedule
of when I was responsible for my child.
But it would never work, right?
I mean, sometimes it works.
Sometimes I wouldn't be able to do that.
But usually what would happen is, I'd have a couple
of ounces, and then I just couldn't stand it.
I had to have more.
I'd just be like, a little bit more.
I just, I'm not quite there yet.
I need a little bit more.
And I'd have a little bit more.
And at some point, it was just like, ah, fuck it, you know?
Um, and usually what would happen is, in order to try to,
you know, minimize it, I would go buy a pint or something
and say, okay, I'm only going to have this pint.
But then when the pint was out, and I was good and drunk,
I would go buy another one and not even remember doing it.
And a lot of this I did with my kids.
I did with my kid in the car, from when he was days old
until he was years old, almost every day.
I never got a DUI.
I never got into an accident.
I do not know how.
I really don't know how, you know?
I deserve to have 1,500 DUIs or more.
I don't even know what the number is, but a lot of them.
So and then one time, too, um, oh yeah, so let me, let me
fast forward a little bit more.
It was shortly after my son was born.
I think he wasn't even a year old.
And my stepfather that I grew up with in Alaska,
for all intents and purposes, my dad, because he's the one
I spent the most time with growing up, actually killed himself.
And as difficult as it was to see my dad, my actual biological father,
die, dealing with my stepfather killing himself was extremely,
extremely difficult.
I went into a very deep depression.
I was in a very deep depression.
I was in a very deep depression.
I was in a very deep depression.
Uh, and I was drinking a lot.
And I was so sad and so dysfunctional, basically, unable to function.
I went to my doctor, and I said, um, I'm sad all the time.
I don't know what to do.
And he said, well, you should take lorazepam, which is benzodiazepine,
which you should not take when you're drinking.
Um, so I don't remember how long I took it.
It might have been a week or two weeks or something like that.
But basically, that entire time, I was in a blackout.
My wife actually told, told me she had to lift my head out of some, um, some, like,
Modu-chan soup because I'd passed out in the soup, you know?
And then, uh, another time too, um, I had this baby Bjorn thing that, um, you know,
you strap on and you can put your baby in it and walk around with him.
So I would take him and I'd put him in that and we would go for a walk, you know, my wife
and I and our son together.
But one of those times when I was on lorazepam and drinking in a total blackout, I took a
look at my child for a walk.
And I, I, I walked on a very busy street, um, and we came back okay.
We came back okay.
Um, the only reason I know about this is because my wife told me when, when she opened the
door, she saw me there drooling out the side of my mouth and said, you know, where have
you been?
What are you doing?
And I was like, or whatever.
I mean, holy cow.
I have no idea.
No idea.
But how my son is alive today or I'm alive today with all that kind of stuff that happened.
So I said, all right, shortly after that, I need to do something about this.
And this is where I tell you about, you know, AA, I was going to AA and I was going to the
rooms and everyone was talking about how they were, you know, they drank the first time
and then they were done.
And I was like, I must be in the wrong place.
You know, that's the way my dad appeared to be, but I can stop for a while if I want to.
So maybe I'm making too much noise.
I don't know how much of a big deal about this thing.
And I don't know, I got a sponsor and I think I was sober like a month or something like
that.
And, and I went back out again for some trivial reason, I don't know.
And then I said, again, you know, this is too, this is getting serious.
I need to do something.
And I checked myself into Peachford for detox.
And I was afraid about it going on my medical record and causing problems.
So.
And I ended up, I decided to write them a check in advance for, for as for my stay, which
was extremely stupid.
I mean, they will keep you until the last cent is spent.
Okay.
But you know, I was, I got, I made sure I got myself good and drunk before I went there.
So.
I wasn't necessarily in my best decision making state.
But you know, I had seen on TV these recovery centers that like, I don't know, that, that,
you know, I don't know.
Yeah.
Hollywood stars and stuff went into.
So I imagine it was something like
where you've got your own private room
and, you know,
someone came in to tend with you
and then you wore like a robe
and went to like, you know, a sauna
and all this.
That's what I thought it was, really.
So, you know, I'm IT
and I work from home.
I brought my computer
and all this other stuff.
I figured, you know,
I'll just work from home from this place
while I recover.
No, they immediately confiscated all that stuff.
And then I remember the first night
I was there,
like all the stuff was gone
and it became obvious to me
they weren't going to let me leave or anything.
And I'm like,
but you don't understand.
I'm not supposed to be here.
I checked myself in, okay?
But yeah, they kept me.
And that was such a horrible experience for me.
I'm, you know, I'm definitely not,
I've never been in any prisons or jail
or anything like that,
but I'm the kind of guy
who would just, you know,
be destroyed by something like that.
And, you know,
being in recovery,
was really bad for me.
I mean, I had my life threatened
while I was in there too,
which had been the first time
that ever happened before.
I was, I had this roommate who was,
they do this light check first off
where they come in like every couple hours
and they flash a flashlight in your eye
to make sure you're still alive,
you know, because it's that serious.
So I wasn't getting any sleep.
But I had this roommate who would snore like,
I mean, really loud all night.
So I wasn't getting any sleep.
So I went out to like this common area
where they had some chairs
to try to sleep across the chairs.
And there was some guy there
and he's like,
fuck off or I'm going to shake your ass.
You know, I was like, oh God.
So I went back in, you know,
with my roommate.
I mean, that was preferable to death for sure.
So, you know,
I remember being on the phone with my wife
and I was saying, God, get me out of here.
Get me out of here.
Every time I'd, you know,
get a chance to call her.
So she was terrified too.
I was telling her all this crap
that was happening while I was in there.
And she was coming in
and trying to convince him
to let me out and whatever.
Anyway, so eventually I got out
and I was scared straight at this point.
Right?
Um, I, uh, I went to AA again
and I managed to stay sober this time
for nine months.
And I had every intention in the world
of never drinking again.
Um, but one day I decided to drink again.
And here's how that happened.
It's very weird.
I went and bought a quart, of course,
because that's what I do.
I don't want to drink too much.
And I got a shot glass
and I measured out an ounce
and I put it on my table and my desk.
And I spent like an hour
making out with this glass
of vodka.
Like, uh, before actually drinking it.
What I mean is I looked at it
and I smelled it
and I'd like pick it up
and look at it.
And I, you know,
but I wouldn't actually drink it
until like an hour, an hour later.
And then I went,
choop!
And it was on again.
You know?
And it was another six years.
You know?
Another six years.
Now, um, during those six years,
the consequences started getting,
you know,
I never really had,
a lot of the extreme circumstances
you hear about it in here.
But the, the, you know,
the circumstances were kind of
getting higher and higher
where I was starting to have
some issues at work.
And of course,
my wife knew it was going on
at this point
and she was threatening to leave me.
Um, you know,
my son was starting to realize
that something wasn't quite right.
Um,
and I remember
I was in our master bedroom
laying there
and thinking about my life.
And
I realized
that,
I'd heard it before
and I believe it,
the alcoholic's path,
the progression,
is progressive and known.
What I mean is,
if you start drinking
and you say,
oh, you know,
I've got time,
you're fooling yourself
because it is a known pattern.
It basically happens to everybody.
If you, if you,
you either die,
you know,
before you get to the end
or you go through all the stuff
that we all go through.
And I saw that
because I'd seen it in my dad.
And I knew that
that was the same path I was on.
And I was not willing
to live that path.
So,
I decided
either I'm going to kill myself
or I'm going to do AA for real.
And
the very next day,
the very next evening,
actually,
I came here in this room,
8 o'clock p.m. on Sunday.
And I went up to the front of the room
and I said,
I need a sponsor!
And I got one.
And there was two guys.
And it's funny.
I mean,
I'm desperate, right?
I'm at the point
where I'm deciding
whether I'm going to live or not,
basically.
And there's the two guys
that offered to be my sponsor.
And I don't want to hurt
anybody's feelings.
So, you know,
I'm sitting here trying.
I'm like,
I kind of like this guy,
but this guy seems nice, too.
You know?
So, anyway,
I eventually ended up
picking the guy
that I felt was better.
And we went out to,
there's a gazebo outside here.
So we went out to the gazebo
and we started talking.
And I told him
all the reasons
why AA,
all the problems
I had with AA.
And I didn't do that
because I was telling him off.
I did that because
I was telling him
I want to work past this stuff
because I don't care.
I don't know.
I don't know how to stop drinking.
You guys have this figured out.
So you tell me what to do.
He said,
don't worry about it.
You know,
I'll agree to be
your temporary sponsor,
he said.
And we'll work
through this thing together.
And he called his wife,
you know,
and said,
hey, honey,
I'm going to be late.
I'm talking to a guy.
And we sat out there
talking for quite a while.
And the poor guy,
I tell you,
because it was rough
for me in the beginning,
as it is for many of us.
I mean,
I was crazy, clearly.
I called him every day.
Every day.
Even when
we were going on vacation,
I called him
from the Caribbean,
you know.
And it was crazy, too,
because I didn't,
we didn't have phone service.
All I had was a phone
and this crappy,
like,
voice over IP
application on my phone.
And the only place
it would work
was, like,
right under this light
in, like,
the middle of this hotel complex
we were in.
So I was, like,
standing out there
at this light,
like,
can you hear me?
Can you hear me?
Talking to my sponsor
because I needed that.
God,
it was so crazy.
I recognized
that I could not think
for myself properly.
I could not make
good decisions.
So I delegated
all of that
to my sponsor.
So whatever he said to do,
I just did it.
Now,
every now and again,
I'd have some kind
of reservation,
but I'd be like,
okay.
And then do whatever
it is he said
because I didn't want
to drink anymore.
I wanted to be sober.
I wanted to be done
with this thing.
I mean,
I did this
completely unreservedly
because I did not want
there to be any chance
of any little,
you know,
uncovered corner
or something
that might come back
and bite me later.
I wanted to be done.
Done and done
with this drinking thing.
So,
we went through
the steps together
and, you know,
we met and went
through the big book
and everything like that.
And we worked
through a lot of stuff.
I mean,
one of the big things
was God.
So,
I mentioned I had
a stepfather.
Him and I
were not close.
That's an understatement.
He was physically abusive
to me
and my brothers
and sisters.
And it was a pretty
horrific childhood.
Basically,
we lived in terror
most of our childhood.
And he was a man
of influence
in the community.
And the reason
I say that
is that there's
a number of times
that these incidents
spilled over
and authorities found out
or, you know,
school officials found out
or something
and he would just squash it.
You know?
He was untouchable.
In fact,
this one time
I went to,
I was going to church school
and I went to the church school
when I was maybe nine
and I was crying hysterically
and I was crying hysterically
and normally
I wouldn't do that
because he would always
threaten us.
You know,
he'd say,
if you tell anybody about this,
you know,
blah, blah, blah, blah,
insert your threat here.
So we wouldn't,
you know,
me and my brothers and sisters,
we wouldn't say anything.
But this time
it was just so out of control
I couldn't keep it in
and I just started crying
uncontrollably.
So they called me
into the principal's office
and they asked me
what happened.
And I told them.
And this happened to be
at the same church
we went to.
It was a church school.
So I didn't hear
anything about it
until that evening
my mom said,
did you say something
to the school
about your dad?
And I said yes.
And that was the end
of that conversation.
And then Sunday
when we were at church
he wrote a nice
big fat check
and put it into the
plate they were
passing around.
That was the end of that.
So,
so yeah,
not a very good childhood.
Yeah,
that was hard.
So,
so when it came time,
okay,
so there was another time too
that that happened
where I was at
my friend's church.
My friend was a
very religious person
and his parents were too.
And there was a church service
and they said,
are there any prayer requests?
And I raised my hand
and I said,
you know,
I'd like to pray
that my dad
stops hitting us.
My brothers and sisters.
Same thing.
Got squashed.
So,
needless to say,
by the time I was
in my 30s,
I freaking
hated
God
or anything,
anybody who said
anything about God
or the J word
or anything.
If you mention
anything like that,
you are instantly
on the stupid list
and I want to have
nothing to do with you.
Okay?
So I came in here
and I saw that
there was God
up there
on the board
with the steps
and I was like,
oh,
you've got to be kidding me.
But fortunately,
my sponsor,
the way that,
if you read the big book,
I mean,
this program really
makes it easy
no matter where you are
with God
or not with God.
And the way that
it's worked for me
is to
take the action
that's been prescribed.
In other words,
I'm a scientific
kind of guy, right?
I treat it like an experiment.
The steps tell you,
you do A, B, C, D
in this order.
I do that
and then,
you know,
at the end of the experiment
you get your result
and you either,
you look at the result
and you evaluate
whether it worked or not
and you make adjustments
along the way.
So that's the way
I've looked at it.
And that's working for me.
It's worked for two years.
You know,
I have no idea
what God is or isn't.
I've gotten to the point now
where it doesn't
completely piss me off
when someone talks about God.
I don't hate church people.
In fact,
when I see someone
going to church
and they tell me about it,
I'm like,
yeah,
I'm really glad
you have something
that's working for you.
And I mean it.
You know,
I'm okay with that.
Now,
the J word,
I'm still having issues with,
but I'll get there eventually.
You know,
I don't know
if I'll ever go to church.
That's,
you know,
we'll see how that goes.
But,
my point is,
if you have issues
with the God thing,
it doesn't have to be
that complicated.
It doesn't have to be
the God of your childhood.
I have no idea
what God is or isn't.
But I do know
that when I follow the steps
as they're outlined
in the big book,
this thing works.
And I'm,
I'm able not to drink.
But not only
am I able not to drink,
a lot of things
in my life
have gotten better.
What do I mean by that?
I mean,
one of the things
that was happening
with me,
even before I started drinking,
is I was always thinking
about what I had done
or what I needed to do.
It was like
life was just
flying by.
I would be in the park
with my wife
and my son.
Beautiful day.
Trees,
birds,
you know,
chirping all that other stuff.
And I'm thinking about
what I have to do at work.
Right?
And my son's trying to talk to me
and I'm getting annoyed with him
because I'm trying to
have these thoughts about things
and he's interrupting my thoughts.
Something about
turning things over
to the God of my understanding
and praying
and, you know,
letting all that stuff go
allows me
most days,
most of the time
to be here
where I am
right now
and connect with you.
And
I can't do that.
And
I can't tell you
what an amazing
transformation
that has been for me.
I feel
much more connected
with people in this world
and my wife
and my son
and my mom
than I've ever felt
in my life.
And, you know,
I didn't expect that.
And who knows?
I mean,
I don't know
that you'll get that
if you do this thing
right away or whatever
but I do know
it works for
stopping drinking.
You know?
So,
but
I do also believe
that it's important
to get a sponsor.
And to do
what your sponsor says.
I've sponsored people
before, too.
And
it's amazing.
I mean,
guys will say to me,
Chris,
I have to stop drinking.
Tell me what to do.
And I'll tell them
what to do.
And they'll argue with me.
But I can't do that
because on Tuesdays
I've got, you know,
blah, blah, blah, blah,
whatever.
I'm like,
I thought you just said
it doesn't work.
It just,
from what I've seen,
it doesn't work.
You either have to
abandon everything
and give yourself
fully to this
or you have to
or, you know,
there's no point
in even really trying,
I don't think.
Now, I'll also say
about the God thing, too.
It was obvious to me
early on
that
turning my will
and my life
over to God
would be something
I'd also have to do
unreservedly.
And that was terrifying.
And I'll tell you why.
Because
I didn't know
what that would look like.
I remember it was actually
I was at a 1.30 meeting
over in this room
over here
when this thought
came to me.
I thought that
that would maybe be
me selling all my
worldly possessions
and leaving my wife
and son
and traveling the earth,
roaming the earth
looking for alcoholics
and trying to save them
or whatever.
I mean,
but I think it was important
for me to think that
because
it allowed me
to think through
all the things
that I was afraid of losing
and all the things
that I might say,
well, maybe I'll drink
if I lose my wife.
Maybe I'll drink
if my son dies.
It allowed me
to go through all of those
and let them all go.
I let them all go.
So then I wasn't afraid.
Really.
I said, you know,
God,
if you allow me to be sober,
I'll do whatever,
you know,
whatever,
I'll let go of whatever.
Because I'm no good
to my wife or my son
or anybody else,
you know,
if I'm drinking.
So,
anyway,
I think
I'm getting close
to the end of time.
So what does it look like
today for me?
I mean,
so what does my wife
look like today?
So what is actually
God's will for me today?
What's really awesome
about,
what it looks like
is me being
a good husband
and a good father,
a good employee,
a good son,
a good friend,
a good AA member.
That's what it looks like.
My life basically
looks the same
as it did before.
But I'm doing
some stuff
to help some people
on the side
and being a better person.
So it's not this
dramatic,
you know,
change of life.
You know,
it's much better
than I could ever
have hoped for.
And one of the cool
things about it too
is because I'm in IT,
there's some needs
that AA has for IT.
And I've been able,
to be helpful
to AA
using that stuff.
I mean,
again,
I'm sitting here thinking
I have to pull people
out of the gutter
and help them.
But I'm actually
over here working
on spreadsheets
and Google Maps
and stuff like that
for AA.
That's cool.
Anyway,
so,
guys,
if you,
if you want to get sober,
this thing works.
But you got to do it,
you got to do it
wholeheartedly.
Get a sponsor,
work the steps,
and you can be sober too.
Thanks.
Thank you.
Thank you, Chris.
Super.
You really delivered.
We appreciate you.
And Carrie's going to
give out the chips.
Thanks, Chris.
That was great.
Appreciate it.
I'm Carrie.
I'm an alcoholic.
Hi, everybody.
And we use a chip system here
to mark your time in sobriety.
First chip we want to offer
is a white chip,
surrender chip.
Anybody want to
give it up?
Try this way of life?
There she is.
Guys,
if you stay sober
30 days,
look what you get.
How's that?
Hmm?
Anybody need
the 30-day chip?
This one is nice.
60.
60.
We do 60 days
Oh, wow.
Congratulations to you
for your
congratulations
on 30.
with you.
Congratulations
on 30.
That's 50.
You did
a good job.
Congratulations.
Congratulations.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Any more things?
Yeah.
More things?
Yeah.
I'll be back.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
60 days? What was 60 days ago? Big day. Okay. Okay. 90 days. You get a red chip. Anybody
have 90 days? Okay. How about six months? Six months. Yellow chip. It's very beautiful.
Keep working toward it if you don't have it yet. Green one. Nine months. Anybody have
nine months? Okay. And does anybody have a birthday? Birthday today?
Okay.
I get to do a little announcement. This is Claire. She's an alcoholic.
Oh, thank you.
Congratulations.
Congratulations. Tell them how you did it.
Hey, I'm Claire. I'm an alcoholic. And this is 10.
One thing that when I came in here, I knew I was powerless. And that's one thing that
I never, ever waver on. I know I'm powerless over this, you know. So that's one thing I
never lose sight of. Another thing I did was...
I got a sponsor. And the light really started coming on for me when that happened. I stay
in close contact with my sponsor on a daily, you know, weekly basis. And that helps me
a lot with my crazy head because I still have a crazy head. I just have to work on it every
day. I keep doing the same things that I did when I first came in. You know, not all
perfectly. By any means, some of them, you know, they ebb and flow a little bit. But
when they fall down, I pick them back up and I start doing them again. And the thing
for me that falls down a lot is my prayer life. And when that falls down, I immediately
know I've got to start that back because that determines how I feel. And I feel a lot
better when I'm close to God. And one of the most rewarding things for me that I don't
like doing the most, but it's the most rewarding, is sponsorship.
Okay.
I do that kicking and screaming, but when I do it, oh my gosh. You know, angels sing.
And this stuff makes sense. And so that's all I've got. I'm grateful. Thank you so much.
Congratulations, Claire. Anybody else for a year or multiples? Has anybody really been
thinking about it hard? Maybe want to come back and get this white chip? All right.
Well, thank God for the chips you hold.
Good job. Good job, Claire. Congratulations to all the chip getters. Glad you got them.
And congratulations on everybody else's chips as well.
First I slip and then I crisp.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
For a soul that's meant for me.
Takes me where the promises are real
Sometimes quickly, sometimes slow
We get just what we need
On a broad highway
Stride for stride
We walk eternally
I look into love's window
For a heart that beats for me
Takes me where the promises are real
Takes me where the promises are real
And I always long
For something that sets me free
And I don't know
To a world in harmony
This feel of mess of nature
That one day would appear to me
Takes me where the promises are real
Takes me where the promises are real
Are real
The promises are real
Thank you for watching.
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