Came to Believe in Stages — First in Treatment, Then in the Program, Then in a Higher Power of My Understanding – Mike W.

Everybody ready for a meeting? Let's have one. My name is Jeff, and I am an alcoholic. Hey, everybody. Welcome to the Monday Night Blue Chip Speakers meeting at the NABBA Club, where a member of Alcoholics Anonymous, with one or more years of sobriety, will tell his or her story. This reading is based on a passage from page 29 of the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. Each individual and their personal stories described in their own language and from their own point of view, the way they establish their relationship with God. These give a fair cross-section of our membership and clear-cut idea of what has happened in their lives. We hope no one will consider these self-revealing accounts in bad taste. Our hope is that many alcoholic men and women in our room tonight and listening later on abluchipspeakers.org, desperately in need, will hear our speaker, and we believe that it is only by fully disclosing ourselves and our problems that any of us shall be persuaded to say, Yes, I am one. One of them to, I must have this thing. With that, I'd like to introduce our speaker tonight. It's the first time I think he's told a story. I'd like to introduce you, Mike. My name is Mike, and I'm an alcoholic. This Friday date is May 22, 2011. I guess what I'm supposed to do is talk about what happened, or what it was like, what happened, and what it's like now. So I'll start at the beginning. I was born December 17, 1975, Crawford Long Hospital. My dad was a Vietnam vet. He came back all messed up from the war. This all happened, I didn't see this happen as a child, because my parents got divorced when I was real young, but he would beat on her and run through the house. He came up, you know, all messed up, alcoholic, and, you know, beat on her and think he was still in the war, run through the house, and that kind of stuff. So she divorced him, and found out about a year ago that he died, about 10 years ago. And I'm sure drinking had something to do with it, but I didn't realize it. I didn't really inquire into more, to be honest with you. Growing up, my mom was also an alcoholic, and she was a violent alcoholic like he was. So that's kind of what I remember my childhood first being like, was my mom was, you know, would be in the house breaking stuff and fighting with family. And, you know, that's kind of the first memories I have as a child. And I was born with real bad asthma. And I was a kid, and I was always in and out of the hospital early on. I was real sick, and I was real small. And it seemed like at least once every school year, up until I was about 12 years old, I was always in the hospital, you know, missing school. And, you know, it sounds cliche, but being sick and being small and not what I felt was a normal family life, you know, like a lot of what I thought everybody else had, you know. Now I realize I don't really know what other people had, you know. But I felt different, you know. I didn't feel... worthy, I guess. I felt less than. My first alcoholic behavior was shoplifting. I was really into stealing stuff. I liked the rush of it. I really don't... No one taught me how to do it that I can remember. I just somehow realized I liked stealing stuff at the store, you know. And I got away... Well, I didn't get away with it a lot, but I got let go a lot when I would get caught because I was so... small and so little. I think when I was like 12, they thought I was like 9 or something. So they would just be like, all right, just get out of here, you know. But I kept doing that. I kind of bounced around family members and stuff. I lived mostly when I was first born, like in Canwell Park, that area in Atlanta. But I lived with my uncle and stuff in Gwinnett County. Started school there. Then back to Atlanta later on. And, like, the first... Besides, like, the stuff I saw with my mom and stuff like that going on, you know, the first kind of tragic whatever thing to happen. I was small when I was molested by my grandfather as a kid. And that didn't go on real long, but it went on for maybe a year or so. And I finally... I was about 10 years old. I told him, you know, that wasn't going to go on anymore. And it never did again. And then he passed away a few years later. And, you know, that wasn't something I really thought about. All the time. It was just kind of something I shoved down in the basement, I guess. You know, never really dealt with. But even though I was small and saw this stuff, you know, going on in my family life and police always coming to the house a lot. Not every day, but, you know, it happened pretty frequently. Or it seemed like it anyway. You know, I was still kind of a happy kid, at least at some point. I was like a class clown. I did pretty good in school. I had friends, all this kind of stuff like that. And then when I turned about 13, going on 14, I moved to Douglasville with my mom at the time, with her boyfriend. And I don't know so much how it is now. But at that point, that was like 1989. And Douglasville was a real small town back then. So when I moved there, I was kind of like a new kid. So I was kind of picked on, you know, and made fun of and stuff like that. So that was like... I never really experienced that before. And so... And, you know, being 13. Starting to go through these changes and stuff. I just like totally started to change where I became like an introvert. You know, I started to just seclude myself and isolate. And a lot of depression started. A lot of anger. You know, I used to fantasize. And it happens all the time now. But, you know, I used to fantasize about going to school and shooting people I didn't like. And teachers I didn't like. And all that kind of stuff. You know, I thought about that kind of stuff. I really did. And then about a year later, I got arrested. For a similar kind of thing. I got in a fight with a... These two brothers lived down... Two houses down. We got into some kind of fight about something. I don't even remember what it was about, to be honest with you. And... They left and kept coming back. Like throwing rocks at the window and stuff like that. And I'd run outside. And they'd run away. And so I finally... My mom's boyfriend was an Atlanta police officer. So there was guns in the house, you know. So I ran out there and shot the gun. And I thought for a long time. I just shot it in the air. Or in the ground. Really now, I don't really remember. That could be so. But honestly, I was just kind of like in a rage. That I don't really remember what... If I was really trying to kill them. If I was just trying to scare them. I don't really know. To be honest. So I was arrested for aggravated assault. And went to jail. Well, I went to YDC for a little bit. Not real long. Then they sent... I went to court. They sent me to Georgia Regional for like a psych evaluation. And I was finally released. And went back to court a few times. And finally, they gave me like two years strict probation. With a lot of community service. And that kind of thing, you know. Because I'd never really been arrested before. I'd been in trouble. But never really went to, you know, YDC or nothing. And I went back to school the next year. And like the story got so blown out of proportion. You know, that I'd shot a bunch of people. And that I had a shootout with the cops. And, you know, I was living in the woods. And... Sounds good. But that's not really what happened. So I kind of... The first thing I ever got high on actually was an asthma inhaler. You know. I don't... I don't know how I figured this out. Someone told me. Another thing I really don't remember. I just realized if I just sat there and was like... With those asthma inhalers, you get like that 30 second rush or whatever. And I like that. You know. I like that feeling. Of being high basically. You know. And I tried alcohol a little bit. I'd never been drunk though. I'd take a few sips. You know, when I was 11, 12, 13 years old. This is gross, man. I don't want to drink this. You know. But I still couldn't wait to feel, you know, that high from drinking. I was still very, very curious about getting drunk. I wanted to do it. I just... I don't know. I couldn't get past the taste at that point I guess. And then the next thing basically was huffing. You know. When I was 14, some guys introduced me to huffing gasoline. And I liked that at the time I guess. But the first time I got drunk, it was my 16th birthday. I have a brother who's about six years older than me. And I got drunk on my 16th birthday. We was at a pool hall. We was out in the parking lot drinking and stuff. What I remember about it, what I liked was I didn't really feel like I was there. I felt like in a dream world or something. You know. I didn't like reality. You know. I liked feeling like I really wasn't there. So I started doing that as much as I possibly could. You know. And I was doing all right in school at that point. Once I started drinking. That was like 9th grade, 10th grade. So I started drinking. The grades started to slip basically. You know. About a year later, I was smoking pot. And then about a year after that, I was doing acid. Um. I finally dropped out of school. I took, unbeknownst to me, I took eight hits of acid. Didn't realize that. So afterwards, you know, the guy told me like the next day. Um. Decided to drop out of high school at that point. Um. Basically, did some construction jobs at that point. You know. Different stuff there. I got involved with a girl when I was like 17, 18. And she was. Almost. Almost as bad as me. You know. Um. We were not good for each other basically. We were together for like three years. And. She uh. Would get jobs at. Cash register stealing. You know. Money. And. You know. The biggest score. I thought was when she got a job at the pharmacy at Eckerd's. You know. I thought that was good. Because we got money and pills. You know. So I liked that. Um. And about that time. Within a weekend after doing acid and stuff. You know. I eventually did meth and coke. And one weekend. It was pretty much off to the races. You know. Just lost. You know. I hated. My life. I guess. You know. And I just wanted to feel numb all the time. And being young. I guess I was kind of curious. I. I remember being in AA. My mom had me like put in one of those. This place called Parkway Hospital at that time. In Douglasville. And they had like a little floor there. For people with like mental health. And. Like. Drug and alcohol issues. And I remember being in AA. And I was like. You know. You know. You know. Drug and alcohol issues. And I remember being 18 years old. In AA. You know. Being in there. And I didn't want. None of that. I did not want to be there. Because I'm like. I'm 18 years old. I'm not trying to get sober. I'm trying to live and have fun. You know. I thought that was all it was about. You know. So I was. I was introduced to it at 18 years old. But. Nah. Nah. I wasn't there yet. Um. And I was. Involved with that girl. For about three years. And. She finally. You know. She's working. And. I'm at home. Just drinking. And doing drugs. You know. Thinking this is. The life. I'm not really doing anything. And you know. She finally left. And. That was tough. At that point. You know. The way I got through that was. A lot of booze. A lot of Xanax. A lot of weed. A lot of meth. Stuff like that. You know. That's how I got through that. You know. Um. I wanted to try the self mutilation thing. At that time. Slicing myself. And that really wasn't my thing. I thought I'd give it a shot. You know. Um. And then. I finally. When I was about 22 or so. I decided I wanted to. Go back to school. Or whatever. So I did get my GED. And. Went to computer school. For about. Four or five months. And. I didn't stick with that. Because. I already had a job. Basically. I was getting high and drunk. You know. That's all I really wanted to do. I didn't have time for school. I didn't have time to do nothing like that. You know. Um. So I just kind of moseyed around. Lost. You know. Again. Working here and there. Stuff like that. You know. Um. I was not. Around that time. Before. I actually went back up a little bit. Before I got my GED. I got my first DUI. And had a couple of rests. You know. 18. Possession of weed. You know. Stuff like that. Leaving the scene of an accident. A couple of those. But I got a DUI. It was. I just. You know. 97. I turned 21. That December. 96. And. Went to a strip club. I think it was like my second time. Got loaded. Drunk. And. You know. Got a rest. I was driving the wrong side. Down the expressway. You know. I thought I was on. Jimmy Carter. And I was on 85. You know. I had no idea. What was going on. And. Luckily. I didn't cause a wreck. I didn't cause. I didn't hurt nobody. You know. I believe God was with me. That night. You know. But I did get a rest. And. You know. 97. I went to court. It was like. A year probation. Whatever. You know. I didn't have a DUI. I didn't have DUIs. But. That's how it was in 97. Um. You know. And. During those years. I was always drinking. And I was always smoking weed. You know. And I would. Mess around with. Different powder stuff. You know. And stuff like that. And do all that. But. The base was always drinking. And smoking pot. Basically. I was always doing that. You know. But I'd venture out a little bit. And. I had my first. Like around 98. I guess it was. That I. Was suicidal. And I. You know. I went in a garage. And I. And I found a rope. And. Um. It wasn't. I don't. I don't know how to do an official noose. Or nothing. You know. But. So I tied a knot. The best I could. And everything. And hung it from a beam. You know. And stood up. And kicked the chair out. It was hanging there. You know. And that was a scary thing. And I don't know how. But I somehow got out of it. You know. And that. I got close to it. And that's how miserable I was. You know. I was really. Really. Depressed. You know. I suffered from depression as well. And I never would take medicine. You know. I never would do. The things they told me to do. I thought I knew better. I'll take care of this problem myself. And I see how that turned out. You know. Um. So. Let's see where I'm at. Got another DUI. About 2002. Um. 2004. I'm just trying to get to the. Main part. But. You know. It was. It was. It was. The main part here. Um. I'd taken. It was like. Another suicide attempt. By that point. I just. Took like a hundred pills. Of stuff. Just different. Random stuff. You know. And drank. And. Passed out. And. My family found me. And they. You know. Called the paramedics. They took me to the hospital. And um. I was there for a few days. They pump your stomach. Or whatever. I don't really remember. What all was happening there. But then they sent me to. The cab crisis center. And. You know. They had AA meetings there. And I'm. Telling what happened. I'm thinking. I'm serious. I want to get clean now. You know. I'm reading the bible. I'm doing all that stuff. And I was there. Maybe ten days. Two weeks at the most. You know. And then. The minute they say. Okay. You're going home today. I was like. Alright. I'm getting drunk tonight. I'm going to get loaded. You know. It was. It amazes me now. When I look back at it. How quick it was. Just like that. You know. It was crazy. Somewhere. You know. During this time. I was doing more coke. You know. I got. For a while. I was. It got into like. The drinking cough syrup thing. I was real into that. For a while. Like the. The. Robitussin. And Vicks 44. You know. I'd get. We called it robo tripping and stuff. You know. I'd just trip out on that stuff. You know. Um. Taking a lot of ephedrine at that point. Like. Massive. Amounts. I'm surprised I'm alive now. I really am. Could have had a heart attack. But. You know. Another example. Of like. How bad. An alcoholic. I know I am. Is I can remember. You know. I'd walk into. Like. Across Campbell Park. Is Edgewood. And I think they've cleaned that up now. But it used to kind of be the hood. You know. It was hood enough for me. But I'd go over there. You know. I mean. It was. More hood than Campbell Park was. I'll put it that way. You know. Across that track. And that's where I bought my dope. You know. And I'd go. You know. You know. You know. But I got robbed a few times. And then one time. You know. This guy's. Following me out. Or something. It's like. Turning daylight. And I just bought a bag of coke. And. I can't remember exactly. How it happened. But he like. Grabbed my jacket. You know. And he's like. Grabbing that. And he takes my jacket. And everything. And I just run. Run back home. You know. And I'm thinking. I didn't care about him. I had my wallet. And everything. I didn't care about my jacket. And my wallet. And. And. What I remember is. I got home. And I was wearing jogging pants. And I felt something down there. And. You know. I reached down. Like. Down by my ankle. Where the. Elastic. Whatever is. And I. And that bag of. Coke was in there. So what I realized. Was somehow. In that struggle. Subconsciously. I don't really know. I managed to get that dope. Away from him. You know. So. I was happy. I didn't really. I could get another jacket. I could get another wallet. And. You know. And I got off on that too. You know. They talk about the lifestyle. Of all that. You know. I really did. I enjoyed. The rush. Of. Walking over there. Scoring. And walking home. And hoping I'm going to get home. Without getting arrested. That kind of stuff. You know. It wasn't just the drugs. It was the whole thing. Was it. Like an adrenaline rush. For me. Or something. You know. Um. So. Eventually. I started working with. Uh. A team at Grady. They call it the. Act team. Excel team. Or something. At the time. They worked with people with mental health. And addiction. They got me a little apartment. A little efficiency. At uh. Little Metropolitan. I was. Parkway. I lived there for about three and a half years. You know. The deal is. Do. Be doing something with your life. Be trying to get clean. I'm like. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. I'm doing that. Uh. You know. I wasn't doing that. Um. I was just trying to get out of there. You know. Their apartment. Stealing from them. You know. I mean. You know. Back up. When I lived. Camel Park. In those years. I ripped off all my neighbors. You know. People that had been like. Family. Neighbors that lived next door. They were practically family. You know. I ruined that relationship. With. My family. And their family. Because of me. You know. And that. Hurts. Now. But. You know. I stole from everybody. You know. A lot of shoplifting arrests. Shoplift beer. And cough syrup. And just. Every time I got arrested. Besides being 14 years old. It was revolved around my alcoholism. And drug addiction. One way or another. It was DUI. If it was disorderly conduct. Disorderly conduct. If it was stealing. Everything. You know. It was all. Possession. And I remember thinking back then. You know. If I could get clean. I probably quit going to jail. You know. Probably wouldn't be getting in all this trouble. You know. Stop me. You know. I didn't really know there was another way. Really. Or I didn't believe I could do it. You know. Um. So. I'm living there. Ripping people off. You know. Drinking. Using. All that crap. In and out of Georgia Regional. In and out of places like. Cab Chrysler. There was a couple. Few years there. Where I would. I'd do these fake. Suicide attempts. Or whatever. And end up at Georgia Regional. They knew me by first name. I got to be a regular. I got to be a regular. You know. I got to be a regular there. It was sad. You know. They're like. What are you doing here? Again. You know. You know. You know what's up. You know. Um. And I. Just keep going back to the same thing. You know. I'd go to jail about once a year. Doing something. Maybe. Twice a year. Maybe I'd go two years. Without going to jail. But I'd always eventually end up in jail again. Well. Eventually. About that time. It's like 2010. You know. My grandmother passes away. And she was the closest thing. To me. As far as like a family member. She was like the one family member. That was. Like a rock. You know. She was always there. You know. She was. Uh. The one person I could always depend on. And she passed away. And that hurt. But I'm so numb. On pain pills. At this point. And stuff. You know. That. I was high. At her funeral. You know. On pain pills. So I. Didn't really deal with it. Like I should have. Like a healthy. Mature person would. I guess. Um. And I'd kind of. At this point. Also. Like. Back up a little bit. I guess like 2005. Six. I got mad at somebody. And I punched the door. You know. And I. And I went to the hospital. And they gave me pain killers. So I was like. Okay. So. And I really. I literally did this. For like a few days. I probably did it a few times. After that. I went to each hospital. And I'd just keep banging my hand. And punching it. And beating it. You know. I'd be waiting to see the doctor. You know. And I'd just keep banging my hand. Just making it worse. And breaking it. And it's all bruised. It's already broke. You know. It's all bruised. And messed up. And I'm just thinking. I'm going to get stronger drugs. You know. More. The worse this is. You know. And I kept doing that. And doing that. And. And that kind of leads up to. About. A few years later. Is. Like I said. The ephedrine. I don't know. People really know what that is. But it's like. What they put in meth. You know. Like the white crosses. Those things. Sometimes. They didn't have them. So I was like. Well. I'll get this bottle of Notos. And. You know. Eat all these. And I did. And I got real sick to my stomach. You know. I didn't really know. I didn't realize. I guess. That it was that. That was doing at that point. Because it took about 24 hours. And it felt like a knife was being. Turned in my stomach. Or something. So I go to the hospital. And they shoot me up with morphine. And I never had that before. And they give me a prescription. For pain pills. You know. And I was like. Okay. So. This is what it's going to be. And. What really did me in. Was the pain pills. Towards the end. That's what really. Got me. At that. Last part. And I. And I went to every hospital. Metro Atlanta. Constantly. For a few years. You know. To the point where. You know. They wouldn't. Refuse to see me. At the hospitals. But I was in the computer. It's like. No. I don't give him no narcotics. You know. Because they. They kind of. Caught on to me. You know. But I still would try. And I'd go. You know. Blood. Spewing on the floor. And stuff. Sometimes. You know. But. So I did that. And eventually. You know. I'm still drinking. Still doing. Any drug. I can get my hands on. And I am. Living out there. In Metropolitan. You know. I got involved with this. Woman. She was like. Much older than me. And it just kind of happened. We were like. Using buddies. And it turned into something else. And. Then we split up. And then I'm getting. Getting real. Real bad. With the. Drugs. And I. I even start huffing. Gas. A lot. At this point. When I don't have anything else. And I got evicted from that apartment. And I moved in. With my mom. Temporarily. You know. She. I stayed there for about. A month. Six weeks. And she couldn't put up with. My crap. Basically. She couldn't deal with it. You know. Because I'm. At this point. I'm physically addicted. To pain. That I never went through. The physical. Addiction. Like that before. And so. I'm like. In pain. You know. Mentally. And physically. And all that. You know. Sweating. And then you're cold. And then you're sweating. And you're cold. You know. Whoever's familiar with that. You know what I'm talking about. And that was painful. So. You know. And I. I kind of try on my own. To stop. For a few days. But you know. After two or three days. Of going through that. I called. You know. The police. And. You know. I hadn't really broken the law. And done anything. You know. But. They said. Well. You can't stay here. You know. So. I pack up my stuff. And I walk. To my aunt's house. Maybe a mile away. And. It was May 24th. 2011. I managed to be sober. For a couple of days. There. And that's probably one reason. I was in. Being the way I was acting. I was like hurting. I need drugs. You know. I ended up with a lot of crap. You know. And when she puts me out. I walk to my aunt's. And I realize. I kind of talked her into. Letting me stay there. Sort of. She wasn't like. Sold on the idea. Obviously. You know. But. I'm thinking. This ain't going to end well. Right here. Just. I'll mess up one time. She'll put me out. And I won't have anywhere to live. At this point. You know. Nowhere to stay. After this. And. So I call. You know. The crisis center. I tell them. I got a drug problem. You know. It wasn't easy. For me. To get into a place like that. It really wasn't. I tried. Like. Calling some treatment centers. I was torn with the idea. By this point. Before that. You know. I knew. There was a big problem going on. I wasn't 100% on it though. You know. But. I finally told them. Look. I'm going to kill myself too. You know. I'm going to jump in front of a bus. Or something. And they was like. Oh. You can come on in now. You know. So I. Which wasn't. I mean. I couldn't hear her that night. When I went to treatment. She was like. So like. I think. You're suicidal. You just don't have the. You know. Like. You don't have the guts. To really. Do it. You know. But I was miserable. At that point. You know. Like. I remember. Before all that happened. I can remember. When I didn't. When I knew. It was a day. When I didn't have any alcohol. Or any drugs. I would just like lay in the bed. And I wouldn't sleep. But I just lay there. I didn't want to watch TV. Didn't want to eat. depression. You know, it was like something I don't ever want to feel again. And that's what it was like when I didn't have anything. I just laid there and I was suicidal, but too chicken to kill myself and didn't want to live or didn't know how to live. And just like mentally, spiritually, emotionally, physically, you know, sick. And that's what I was. But I finally got into a crisis center and they gave me, you know, like medicine, deal with the withdrawals for five, seven days or something. And that helped. It wasn't as hard. It seemed like when I was there anyway to get off, to get through the withdrawals and it seemed like it was at home. I stayed there for about a month or so. They had AA meetings there. And, you know, at that point I was, I was willing, you know, I had willingness in the beginning. I don't, you know, I guess I was, at that point I was thinking, I don't really know if I'm going to stay sober. I don't really know what's going to happen. I don't know what's going to happen. I don't know what's going to happen. But, you know, what have I got to lose, you know? And I tried to get it, you know, and I was talking to a lot of guys, those people in the crisis center that have been through, been back and forth through treatment centers and stuff like that. So I'm asking, you know, where should I go, man? What's a good place to go? And everybody said, St. Jude, go to St. Jude. That's the best place you can go. So, so I tried to get in there first. It was like, we don't have a bed. I'm sure I'll go to Salvation Army. But they turned me away because my ID had expired in like five years prior to that. You know, I didn't find it necessary to get a new ID. Sucked was trying to go buy beer when you're like 30-something years old and they're like, no, we can't sell it to you. And it's like, damn it, don't you understand? I'm way past the age limit. Well, your ID's expired. Well, that sucked. But finally, I do get into St. Jude's. And, you know, I think when everybody was talking about how great it was, like this place rules, that's where you want to go, blah, blah, blah. You know, and I go in there and it's like this old building on Renaissance Parkway in the hood. And I walk in there and I'm thinking, I guess I'm thinking it's going to be like when them Lindsay Lohan kind of rehabs or something, you know, like when's my massage, you know? But that's not how it was. So I'm looking around kind of thinking like, oh, man, what is this? You know, am I going to be able to do this? I don't know. I don't know if I can do this, you know. Every few weeks there, it was really tough, you know. I didn't really, you know, again, it was kind of like being in school where I kind of didn't feel like I fit in or something. I don't know. I was, you know, like I said, I was the isolator for so long. I didn't know how to talk to people. I didn't know how to open up and talk about me and my feelings and stuff. I never dealt with feelings. Ever. So the first thing that helped me when I was there was the day group. You know, they have day group. You go to day group for like two months and they have meetings like every night and stuff. And the first place I started to kind of talk and open up was in day group because it's smaller. There's a little more intimate. There's like eight, ten people at the most or something, at least when I was there. So I started kind of slowly talking and opening up, you know. And I started slowly talking and opening up in the meeting, in the meetings, A meetings and NA meetings and stuff like that. And that was helping. You know, my clinician told me right off the bat, get a home group here, you know, and then you can get a home group wherever you want to, but get one here for now. So I joined the Renaissance group there and I'm still a member of that group. I still do service for that group. I did that, you know, I got a sponsor. I bounced around from several sponsors when I first got there because I'm thinking I'm looking for the perfect sponsor, the perfect person, you know. I'm looking for the perfect sponsor. I'm looking for the perfect person, you know. I didn't really know what I was looking for. I'd never done it before. I'd never been to treatment before. Never. So I asked this one guy to be my sponsor and he dragged my feet or dragged his feet, whatever the proper way of saying that is, for so long, so long. He let me down when he was supposed to go over my step work. I finally had to fire him. And I went to Triangle one night and it was just kind of like happened. That's the way it happened, you know. There was a guy there and he shared and I liked what he shared. And, you know, I asked him after the meeting, you know, will you be my sponsor? I need a new sponsor. I need somebody to take me through the steps. I knew that's what I needed was the steps. And he said, yeah. He said, call me tomorrow and we'll figure, you know, we'll go from there. So I called him the next day. And, you know, right off the bat, he had me working steps. He had me right into it and that's what I was looking for. That guy, he passed away. A week ago. He had been my sponsor until a couple months ago. And he relapsed and I knew that. But, you know, he passed away. I just found that out last week. But he had me work through the steps and he didn't mess around about that. And I was real grateful for that. I stayed at St. Jude's for about nine months. I went back and forth with the housing. I had bad luck with the housing. I had a transition. They have transition housing, you know. I was supposed to go here. Then I was denied. I was supposed to go there. I was denied. So I'm hanging there for, you know, it's a six-month program. They're nine months. I wonder where I'm going to go. And so I finally get into these apartments they had at that point in Decatur. And then I was there about five months. They closed those down. I get into this house that's right around the corner from my job. That was real sweet. That was like, I was there seven months and then they closed that down. It made us all move out of there into their only house they had left at that point. And, you know, it had been almost two years since I'd been sober at that point. I was tired of packing up and moving. And I was kind of thinking, look, I just want to live somewhere where as long as I pay my rent, I got to worry about leaving, you know. So I got an apartment with some guys that I was in treatment with. And we shared that apartment for about a year. And that was really great. You know, it was, it's awesome living with a couple of guys that were also sober. Because we never had a problem between us. And, you know, if we were all drinking and using, that probably would not be the case, you know. So that worked out really well. You know, I just continued to work the steps, going to meetings, that kind of thing. And now eventually we move out of there and then moved back home for a minute. And recently got an apartment with another good friend of mine in recovery. And that's going on right now. well you know they talk they talk about like there's five or six things to do to stay sober you know and basically I just talk about what I do I guess you know I pray in the morning and ask God I get on my knees I pray and ask God to keep me sober I read my meditations I pray more you know I talk with another alcoholic or addict or communicate somehow every day you know I go to as many meetings as I can the literature the steps the service you know those things and then pray at night and say thanks thank you God for keeping me sober you know today and that's the only reason I've made it you know it's the same stuff they taught me in treatment it's the same thing they talk about in these rooms and in the program you know it's really that's the only difference between somebody that makes it doesn't make it I believe just somebody that keep doing the things because a lot of people I see a lot of people do it for a minute they do good in treatment and once they leave treatment that's it you know I see that way too often I'm still real involved in the treatment center I go to but you know I talked a lot of guys when I go there a lot of people there early and they always ask me I hear I hear a lot from people in their life you know is it better now is life better than it was and I'm like there's no comparison for me there's no comparison you know I learned a lot in treatment I learned how to pay my bills or to pay rent which I never done I learned how to shower every day I learned how to brush my teeth I learned how to brush my teeth I learned how to brush my teeth I learned how to be a man be responsible that kind of stuff and I didn't you know when I got there I was like a 35 year old 14 year old boy that's basically what I was because that's where I'd left off at about 14 15 years old and I acted out a lot in treatment I was an angry guy I was mad about the world you know what I know I know now I was really mad at myself is what it was I was mad at the predicament I'd let my life come to and it was my fault all that was my fault you know what I found through working through the steps and doing all that is there's a lot of stuff that I'm not proud of that I did but I'm able to live with it today because it happened I've done something about it I'm trying to make amends by the way I live today and to those people my family the ones that I hurt and so I can live with it today I can deal with it because that's the thing for me I guess is you know I did something about it I'm doing something about it I didn't do it by my own I did it by my own I did it by my own I did it by my own I did it by my own I did it by my own myself either you know not at all you know when I got a treatment my higher power was treatment that was basically my higher power and began then it became the program and then it became a god of my understanding and as long as it's not me is what always hurt you know I just know that my life was horrible before I got here I was depressed I was miserable I hated living I hated being alive because it hurt you know being sober hurt for me I don't know how it is for other people but it was painful for me that's I used to numb myself constantly you know like I didn't just use when I was upset or when I was happy to celebrate I just used and drank because I didn't want to feel sober because I did a lot of terrible things and then the only way to deal with that is to get loaded again because I can't deal with that and I do another terrible thing now to get loaded to deal with that this is how it was for me you know but you know I I'll say to anybody that's new, and I've only been in the program a few years, you know. There's somebody that's in treatment or new or doesn't really know if it works or nothing. I can only give my experience is that it does work. And I wouldn't trade this for nothing. And, you know, I heard a wise person say before that the miracle is not really that I don't use or drink no more. The miracle is that I don't want to. And I have no desire today to drink or use. And I'm not really exactly sure when that left. But the urge and that compulsion left me pretty early. What I mean is when I was in treatment, you know, like pretty much that just urged, like, I've got to go use right now. You know, that started to leave right then. There's still some thoughts kicking around at that point, like you're trying to, well, how can I sneak this a little bit, maybe, you know. Something like that going on. But now it's like I don't want to drink or use today. And even if I did, I wouldn't want to risk it. Because I don't want to throw this away. And I feel like this was a gift from God, my higher power. And I feel like if I was to use or drink, for when it'd be like slapping him in the face or spitting in his face. Maybe he saved my life. And it's like, look, this is your last chance, buddy. That's how I look at it. You know, I could be wrong, but I don't want to take that risk. You know, that maybe if I go back out, I won't make it back. And I've seen that a lot of people that relapse. And then. They just die right off the bat as soon as they relapse. A lot of guys I see that are in the treatment center that I was at. They leave or something happens and a month later you hear they're dead. Found dead. And that's scary to me. And that's a miracle in itself for me today is I don't want to be dead today. I want to live. You know, life is tough sometimes. You know, I've lost some people in recovery. The person I lost. You know, a week ago. Was the closest person I've lost in recovery. And that hurts. But I'm trying to look at it the right way. Of like being grateful for the time I had with him. For the stuff that he taught me. The stuff that he told me. This stuff. Especially now it's being magnified even more in my head. I hear a lot of them. Stuff he told me. Stuff I remembered and knew about. But it's just sometimes it gets echoed a little more. This past week, you know, I just keep thinking about all the stuff he taught me. And regardless what. How it ended for him. He still taught me a lot of good things that have kept me sober for a while. So I'm grateful for that. But it does suck. I'm not going to lie. I don't really know what else to say. I just know that this is the greatest gift I've ever received. You know, I can remember judges and probation officers and psychiatrists. And people tell me you need to go to treatment a long time ago. I'm like, no, I ain't going. I've been nowhere for six months. I ain't doing nothing like that. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. No. Turns out they were right and I was wrong. That this was the greatest gift that I've ever received. And I don't deserve it either. I don't think I deserve it. But I'm grateful that I got it, you know. And the only thing I can do is try to help somebody else with it and try to give it away. And I try to do that. I'm a sponsor now. I try to do well at that. I haven't really had a whole lot of super good luck at that so far. But I'm just going to keep trying. And hopefully it will work out, you know. I guess that's my time here. Thank you all for listening. Thank you for being here. Can't do this without you. Thank you, Mike, for sharing your story with us. I'm sure your sponsor would be real proud of you. With that, I believe I'm going to invite Hunter up here to pass out the chip. I'm just going to go through them once. Does anybody need a white chip? Come on. Blah, blah.