Being Afraid of Being Afraid Kept Me in Total Fear Until I Accepted It Was Just Part of Being Human – John H.

And I sent a text to Trina. I thought I was going to rest for a little bit. I got a bunch of texts on my phone.
And so I sent her a text that said, ask Anna to turn the air on because all these meetings in here, it gets hot about halfway through the meeting.
And I noticed I wasn't the only one that thought. It wasn't bad when it started, but, and I probably got more hot air than any of the other speakers here, so bear with me.
And I want to thank Anna for asking us to come and do this.
It's been a little while since she asked, and then we just had a big celebration last Sunday for my 25th AA birthday.
And her 25th Al-Anon birthday, and we did a nice deal between, did a lot of work.
And I didn't realize how close it was to this, which is probably good, but I get kind of squirrely around my birthday, and I got really squirrely this year.
25 is kind of a big milestone, and then the party was very emotional.
My family was there, a lot of them. Both my parents are gone since I've gotten sober.
But my sisters were there, and my nieces, and my aunt, and it was, and then I had to get some pictures together, so I was going through the computer, and she kept asking me to do it, and I was putting it off, and I don't have time for all that stuff.
And then one day, I sat down at about 8 o'clock, and started going through pictures, and then I think it was about 12.30, she came in there and asked me if I was going to go to bed.
And I was.
I was getting very emotional over a lot of the pictures, some very old pictures, some pictures from conventions and retreats, and people that are no longer with us, some of them a lot younger than me, people that have moved away, it was amazing.
And a lot of it was people that we went to conventions with, and did a lot of service with, and work, a lot of work pictures.
And when I was about three months sober, I was, I'm a mason by trade, my father was a mason, and Anna's husband had gotten sober, I think in October, and then she came in in November, and he was doing a project in their backyard, in her house and her mother's house, because they had split up.
And then.
He got sober, and they, he came back out to California from Colorado, and decided to live with his wife and mother-in-law, but he told all of us that it was his house, and if you're, if you know alcoholics, you can follow that story real good.
It was her mother's house, and Anna and this man had decided to do this project, which was huge, and so he was telling all of us.
And what a great house he had, and, and come to find out, he, he, right in the middle of that project, he decided to, to go back to Colorado, and seek out his ex-mistress, or, or his still-going mistress, you don't know by what he said, because his lips were moving when he said it.
And so, it was very bonding for me and Anna.
My sponsor.
And, and her husband's sponsor were the same man, and so it was quite the deal.
He had to come in, and he hadn't told us anything, except for that he was going back.
And then, he told us he told Anna.
Well, Anna walked into Home Base, which is where my sponsor worked, and, and he said, I'm sorry to hear Dan's leaving us.
And she looked at him kind of funny, and.
And so, he explained to her, well, apparently, he'd never told her.
So, she learned this whole thing while, while my sponsor, in the middle of a store on a Saturday afternoon, at a Home Depot that was doing $200,000 worth of business at the time.
And he's, he's in charge of the line, and, and Anna's crying, and he's trying to comfort her, and there's people wanting to pay for their merchandise, and he was kind of caught up with Anna.
And so, it was quite a mess, and, and my wife, at the time, had been in Al-Anon for about two months, and she came home, and I'd been working all day, and I was sleeping in the living room floor.
Just came home, and decided to relax, and fell asleep, and I woke up to someone kicking me, because apparently, I was in association with her husband at the time, that I was part of this, this.
So, it was, she was pissed at me, and everybody was hurt, and I've never seen him since, but I understand he's gone to prison since then.
And he's not sober, and, and I have, and I'm here with you guys, and having a birthday with his ex-wife 25 years later, and I think I got the better end of the deal.
I think that's.
That's the, yeah, and, and I'm very grateful for that.
So, those are, those are the type of things that have been whirling around in my head for the last couple weeks, and there's millions of them.
I need that water, huh?
Thank you.
Thank you, Anna.
And so, let's see.
We had four speakers here for today.
My friend, Scotty, and his wife, Alicia, who canceled.
And so, there's four people on the program, and now there's only two, one couple, which.
Two bumpers.
Yeah, which, so, don't leave.
We might have to call on someone.
I don't know.
I do pretty good.
I, they did ask us to say some things at the, at the birthday party last week, and I was, I don't know how long I was standing up there, but it seemed like I was up there a long time.
There's just so much going on.
I don't do a canned pitch.
I loved hearing Sally at lunch.
She's never done a canned pitch, and Sally speaks from the heart, or, I'm sorry, Pat speaks from the heart.
I was thinking of Sally, because Sally and Keith were, were right there with Cliff and Pat, and, and Pat and Howard, and, and Butch and Larcine.
I mean, I've been so fortunate to have people that were great examples for me, and, and like, like.
Like Bert says, I, I stood on the shoulders of giants, and, and so I get kind of nervous.
Bear with me, you know.
In fact, I, a lot of times I start off telling everybody about, about God and Adam, you know.
This is, this is not a higher power thing, but, but there's this time back before the Apple incident when God and Adam were able to just walk through the garden together.
And they were walking.
They were walking along, and, and Adam says, God, this woman that you made for me.
He says, I, I'm really confused.
Why did you make her so beautiful?
I just, I, now my days are just so distracted, I can't stop thinking about her.
And he said, I made her that way so you could love her.
And he says, well, why did you make her smell so good?
And, and, and it just drives me crazy.
I can't, I can't focus on other things.
He says, I made her that way so you could love her.
And he says, well.
You made her hair so long, and, and her skin so smooth, it's just, I don't get it.
I, I, it's probably more distracting than anything.
Why did you do that to me?
And he said, I made her that way so you could love her.
And he says, well, why did you make her so stupid?
And he, God says, I made her that way so she could love you.
And, uh, if you're an Al-Anon, you probably can relate to that.
So.
Carol T. told that joke one time.
I grasp onto it.
And I grew up in, in Orange County, right, right in the middle of things.
My parents are from Oklahoma.
I was, I was cursed with this crazy family.
They, uh, they would, like, sit around the dinner table and have conversations.
And my mom would, well, I still explain that when we eat a meal because I'm the last one.
My mom would make us put our fork down between each bite.
And we're supposed to talk.
I mean, they were.
They were farmers for the better, uh, because they didn't really have hillbillies there, I guess.
But they were farmers, and there was no education.
There was no, uh, it was just hard work.
And I remember seeing a picture of a, of a, one of those canvas tents that, uh, that the military has.
It's a big old canvas tent, and the kids are running around.
And it was just black and white photo.
And I said something about my mom camping.
She said, no, that.
That was where, that was home.
That was where we lived.
And that was, and they were happy.
I mean, they were happy, happy.
And, um, and it still sticks to me because we, I grew up in Orange County in just a regular four-bedroom, three-and-a-half bath home with, with a bunch of sisters.
And, and I was the baby.
I was kind of spoiled.
And my sisters loved me when I came along, at least for the first couple years.
And, uh.
And they used me to manipulate my parents.
You know, they want a dog, oh, John asked for a dog, and then they get a dog.
And so it was kind of a, uh, we used each other.
And, uh, and they had a lot of friends, which was very beneficial to me, um, before I ever drank any alcohol.
There's nothing like a bunch of 13-year-old girls running around your house having a slumber party when you're eight.
Yeah.
I knew someone.
I know what I understand.
It's, uh, they, they didn't have remote controls.
You had to get up and go turn the television.
So my, my big quest for the night was to get one of my sister's friends to go, go turn the station.
And I'm like, maybe you can catch a little silhouette through the, through the nightgown or something.
And that was pretty much all I had going for me.
But then they, they started partying and, and a couple of them got married because one of them was 17 when I was born.
So they're out of the house.
I'm there with, with two sisters and, and, uh, and they're just slightly older than me.
And they're, and one of them, the middle one was the black sheep.
And so she was, uh, having girls come over and they'd party and we'd watch Saturday Night Live and my parents go to bed.
And, uh, and, and it was obvious that alcohol limits the ambitions of a young lady.
It never got quiet.
It was low as I wanted it to get, but it was beneficial to me and I hadn't even taken a drink yet.
And so when they asked me to, if I wanted to have a drink, you know, basically it was, if you, if you party with us, you can't tell on us.
You know, they weren't like inviting me to come in.
If you're drinking with us and mom and dad are gone, then you can't tattle on us.
So I, uh, I drank some Mickey Big Mouse and threw up and had a good time and, and, uh.
I'm, I just, that was the first time I drank enough to, to throw up.
I was probably about 12 years old.
And, um, and it, it wasn't a big deterrent, I'll tell you that.
Getting sick and, and, uh, embarrassing myself a little bit, but, but life went on pretty smooth.
You know, I was playing baseball, Little League.
My dad was the manager.
I did Indian guides.
I did these things.
I did those things.
I had a, you know, I had, it's.
Uh, I know a lot of alcoholics who've had horrific families and, uh, and mine was the
worst because they didn't give me any excuses to blame anybody for all the stuff that I
was doing as I got older, you know, and, and, and I know that most of those people don't
really blame those, those family members today, but at the time I'm sure it worked great for
them and I, I didn't have anybody to blame.
I just felt guilty.
And so that was, uh.
That was something I never learned to deal with.
I just turned the other way and, and, and went on.
I didn't, uh, I was a terrible teammate in baseball.
If you're on my team and you dropped a ball or made an error, I was, I was a terrible sport.
My father, I was always a pretty good player and he would make me sit down and, and bench me because of my attitude as my own father.
And, and rightly so.
And, um, I just had these great expectations of people to, to not make any mistakes.
And, uh, and that isn't that different today sometimes.
So, as we'll see, we'll hear.
So, you know, teenage years were good.
It was a healthy family.
I didn't miss meals.
I didn't do, have any, any issues other than I was scared to death.
And, and, uh, you know, I did have a couple instances that kind of molded me.
I remember in preschool.
One of my very first memories that I, that I have was I didn't have a sponsor then.
And I should have had one because there, they were, uh, you know, it's like John to eat the cookie and take the nap, you know, just follow those directions.
Cause they, we, they, it was like a little farm rural thing and they had some chickens and some goats and some dogs and this and, and they were in cages.
And it was, I was intuitive then.
I knew things that other people didn't know.
And I knew that these chickens and these dogs wanted to play because the way they acted through the cage from each other.
So everybody was napping and I kind of got up and snuck around and I went out there and I let, I let the chickens and the dogs play together.
And, uh, it wasn't, it wasn't pretty, you know, a lot of guys have chicken stories and that's my chicken story.
But, uh, but I remember that.
And I remember that.
I remember my mom being disappointed in me.
That's really what I remember.
And, uh, and then I remember in, in first grade, there was a, you know, we're still learning how to, how to learn.
We're learning basic English and math.
And, uh, it was a math question and the teacher asked, and I don't remember what the question is, but I remember I, I knew it.
And I raised my hand and she called on someone.
I said, I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
And this person said, uh, answer.
And so I just, it wasn't the same one I had.
So I'm like, Oh, I'm quiet.
But then she saw my hand apparently, cause she went to me afterwards.
So I, I was stuck.
And now it's like, okay.
Controversy.
And so I said the answer, I believed it was.
And she says, so we have this thing who, who in the class agrees with Jody or whatever.
And everybody raised their hand.
And who agrees with John and not one person raised their hand.
And now this emotional first grade kid, I'm in trouble.
And the worst thing that could ever happen to a little buddy alcoholic was, uh, it turned
out that everybody in the class was wrong and John was right.
I've been chasing that ever since the whole world is wrong and John is right.
And, and I, I mean, I, that feeling is awesome and, uh, and it's true a lot, but most everybody
doesn't know it, but this time it was pointed out to everybody and everybody
knew that everybody was wrong except for John and, uh, this still gives me a
goose bumps, funny, gosh, tell that story more often.
And so, so it was just the beginning of this whole thing.
And, and, uh.
And, and as I got older, you know, I just had fun.
We, we didn't do a whole lot of, uh, crazy, stupid stuff.
We went to the river a lot with my family.
We played and water skied and did sports and, and my uncle had a, had a mental issue.
And so he, uh, came home every, every other Sunday and all my aunts and uncles would go
over to my grandmother's house.
And we, I mean, we'd have at least two, two.
Baseball teams with, with 12 people on each team, you know, and played softball
and, and had a good time.
They didn't drink and get drunk and none of that stuff.
And, uh, I got to know my cousins real well.
And as I got older, some of them started going to jail and some of them started
getting long hair and, uh, it wasn't that big a deal, but by the time I was 21, I'd,
I'd been arrested for drunk in public.
I'd, you know, I was.
The guy at the park who would maybe, you know, be drinking at night and stuff and the cops
would all come in and we'd scatter and, you know, that's just fun stuff.
Nothing, no big deal.
Uh, my driver's license starts showing up in the, in the mail sometimes because from
the city of orange or city of Anaheim.
And because the cops are asking us questions and they get a call and they somehow they
leave with my license.
So they just mail it to me and that's all way before I was 21, just all those, these
little things.
And then I.
I got my first DUI within a couple of months of turning 21 and, and, uh, just things started
happening and it wasn't, it was all worth it.
It wasn't anything that I wouldn't trade for as much fun as I was having.
And that's, uh, it wasn't like anybody asked me if I would trade it, but doing step work,
I know that those were all worthwhile and, and then some things started happening that
were a little bit different, you know, um, my integrity.
My, it was just inner stuff.
It wasn't like I was, I didn't have a home or I didn't have anything.
I was renting, uh, living in Huntington beach, working for my family, doing construction
and, and life was, was wonderful.
You know, I was, uh, sick some mornings, but drunk some mornings and, and, uh, sick some
evenings and, and, uh, living on happy hour and free time.
Yeah.
Yeah.
We had a couple of tacos and a couple of beers and, and this and that.
And I, but I, I mean, I was making good money working construction.
I didn't even have a stereo in my truck because all my money was accounted for.
I did have a couple of attorneys here and there that I had to pay and stay out of trouble,
but it, it, it was beginning to be probably a lot of work as I looked back and doing some
writing.
I did meet a girl about when I was about 22.
She was, I was sitting and waiting for material.
It was about 7 30 in the morning on the, sitting on the tire at a cement mixer and, uh, she
drove by and I, I, I saw where she turned into up the street and do a little office
building.
So I went up there at 9 30 for the, for my break with, for a quarter Budweiser and, uh,
and I took that beer out of the bag and I wrote a note on there with my phone number
and I, and she had a little convertible and I slipped it through the window of her car.
She made a mistake of calling me.
She called me three days later, said she found the note two days afterwards and she thought
I had followed her home and knew where she lived and slipped in her car, but she called
me.
So we're on the right road here.
So we did this little dance through hell for, for a long time and, and she's the girl I
was married to when I got here.
We'd, uh, we'd gone through a couple more DUIs.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
We moved from Anaheim out to Temecula area cause my father had moved out there and, uh,
I didn't have a driver's license and it's kind of hard to do construction when you don't
drive.
So, so he was, so she would take me to his house or, or he'd come get me.
And then I started hiring guys in the neighborhood, in the apartments we lived in to work.
They didn't work very well, but, but they could drive.
And so we'd hire them so they could drive me around and that was, but you know, this
is just normal stuff.
Right.
And so that was kind of how it went.
By the time I was, by the time we got married, I was, uh, I had three DUIs out there here
and she, uh, we'd went to, oh, they took me to Lake Ellison or jail and I called my
dad and she was waiting there with him when I got out of the cell, the four hour thing,
let me out on OR.
And she said, why didn't you call me?
And her little feelings were hurt and she hadn't been down on, uh, cause I called my
father instead of her.
And, and two years later I got to another one and, and I, and that was during that two
years we got married.
They took me to Banning and, uh, and I called my wife and so I got out of jail and my wife
was there and she said, don't you ever call me again.
So there's a progression in there somewhere that you can figure out.
And so that we,
were we were having a blast you know and and so she thought for sure i'm gonna die i'm gonna i'm
gonna kill someone i'm driving all i i don't sit at home and drink yeah so her big answer was life
insurance that was uh seemed pretty logical i'm gonna i'm dead she gets paid for it and um
so they came out and drew my blood did the little thing they took off and then they sent me a my
policy back and a thing rejecting my life insurance at 26 years old because my liver
enzymes were too high and wasn't functioning properly and i should go see a doctor like they
like they know what they're they're not doctors they don't know what they're talking about so so
i told her i went to the doctor and didn't have life insurance and then and then my son was born
and now i got breathalyzers on my truck and i got great a great story about driving down the 10
freeway
my in-laws are here they uh they came they want to see their grandson and so they're staying out in
palm springs and i went out there after work and and i stopped to grab a cup a beer or two i went
in well mickey big mouse were on sale so i i walked i left with two six packs i'll just go in
and get a beer and i did some thinking while i was in the store and so then i'm driving and and
and the
you
I ran out of gas in one tank, and I didn't get switched over in time.
So I'm on the 10 freeway, and I'm stuck.
I can't blow on the breathalyzer because I've had four or five beers.
And I'm terrified because I signed the paperwork already.
I mean, my attorney was happy when they went to three years instead of five years in prison.
And I had no accidents or anything, just from drinking and driving and saying you won't and keep doing it
and not knowing I don't have a choice.
And I don't know anything about a phenomenon of craving.
I hadn't been to Alcoholics Anonymous.
I didn't know anything about an obsession of the mind.
I didn't know any of that.
I just knew that sometimes when I drank, it was calling my name, and I had to have more,
and nothing else seemed to matter.
And, you know, I went to bed.
I went to a wedding, and my cousins in Huntington Beach, and I'm not going to drink.
And then on the way down there, I'm going to drink.
I'm going to have one at this time, and I'm going to watch the clock,
and then three hours before I leave, I'm not going to drink anything.
And, you know, I'm holding the beer tap, and nobody can get a beer unless I fill it up
because I got it in my hand, you know.
And those type of obsessions and that type of thing is happening all the time.
Okay.
Now, you know, once in a while, now it's almost every time I drink.
And so when I read the doctor's opinion for the first time in the book Alcoholics Anonymous,
it made perfect sense to me.
And the progression and the phenomenon of craving, and once I put it in my system,
I can never safely drink again.
And even the part that said the only thing we can suggest is entire abstinence,
even that made sense to me.
And for most guys, that's when they separate.
They separate from what the book's saying.
They relate to everything.
When it says entire abstinence, now, my vocabulary isn't that great,
but I knew exactly what they meant.
And they didn't say one day at a time.
They said entire abstinence.
And so I embraced that when I got here.
But I had to live for two more years between, like, four more years after the insurance thing
and two more years after driving down the freeway and having the breathalyzer and being stuck.
I ended up.
I ended up hooking some wire up directly to my coil for my battery
and jamming a screwdriver across the starter coil.
And then I lived that way for, you know, it started.
And then I went to the bar.
You know, I'd been through a lot emotionally.
I was exhausted.
I was tired, and I needed a drink.
And my in-laws were waiting for me and my wife, and I didn't show up for dinner.
And I come in at 11 o'clock, and everybody I love is disappointed in me one more time.
And that was really the problem.
You know, I thought the problem was, well, I don't even know what I thought the problem was.
But it wasn't the fact that everybody that loves me is disappointed in me,
and the way they look at me makes me not want to be there and not want to show up.
That had nothing to do with any of it at the time.
These are all things I learned in Alcoholics Anonymous.
And so those things were just happening so much.
I lived that way.
But since that incident with the breathalyzer, that was for two more years later before I surrendered and went to a meeting.
You know, I didn't have any arraignments.
I still had the breathalyzer, but I didn't have any judges.
My wife was not talking to me at all, so she wasn't hounding me.
I did it because I needed to go to Alcoholics Anonymous.
And we did go to a marriage counselor.
And he told me to go to the Chemical Dependency Recovery Program.
And so I ended up needing to do that, and that was fun.
You know, I went to the hospital and filled out the paperwork,
and they took my vitals and decided to keep me.
So I stayed there a little bit and did the outpatient thing, and Kaiser was great.
They were pretty cool.
They were just, you know, these are the things.
And if you're a heavy drinker and if you shouldn't be drinking, you're going to learn that here.
If you're an alcoholic, you need to go to AA.
Because if rehabilitation was from drinking, it was for people that got in trouble,
and you learn you're not supposed to behave that way, you're not supposed to do those things,
and then you stop doing them, which is like therapy, I guess, or going to a psychiatrist.
They tell you that people shouldn't behave that way.
And I understand.
I understand that, and they convinced me, and then I make a decision not to do it anymore.
But they were clear, if you're an alcoholic, that doesn't mean anything.
You need to go to Alcoholics Anonymous.
And thank God they did.
So they never took us to a meeting.
They just told us that.
And so when I went to AA, I walked in there knowing that I was coming to a place where they could help me.
And the first meeting I went to was in Sun City.
And an old guy.
An old guy there met me at the door.
He was 25 years sober then, which is another reason that's significant now for me.
And all he was, he was a, Bob knew him.
All he was a great guy, but he was a different kind of AA.
And he said, you having a little drinking problem?
And I said, yeah.
And he said, well, you never have to drink again as long as you live if you don't want to.
And he said, yeah.
And he said, well, as long as you're willing to do certain things, which I don't really, that part didn't compute.
Because I probably would have asked, like, what?
And he might have told me, and I would have said, okay, bye.
But, you know, I just came to, I didn't come for anything, really.
I was coming, I was running from something.
And I ran into AA.
I didn't, like, run to AA to embrace something.
I was just trying to get away from what was behind me.
And so that was kind of my thing.
And I didn't have a wife car at the time.
Me and my wife didn't have.
We didn't have anything.
We had a 2-year-old son.
And I'm still not quite sure how that happened.
Because we hadn't really.
She had a weak moment, she said.
And so, someone talks about hallway sex.
You know, we had hallway sex.
That's where you live in the same house, and when you pass each other in the hallway, you say F you.
And that was kind of, that was like our relationship.
And so.
And so, that was fun.
We went, they told me to get her to Al-Anon, like, on my second or third meeting.
And I would tell her, and she'd say, yeah, yeah.
And then, after a couple, after about three, six weeks, they're telling me, you need to bring your wife to Al-Anon.
And they said it in a way where what I heard, it's not necessarily what they said, but what I heard was, is if you don't bring her next week to this particular meeting, then you can't come.
And so, that was kind of, that was the first thing that came to my mind.
And so, that was kind of, that was the first thing that came to my mind.
It was in a senior center, and across the hall from the A meeting in the library was the Al-Anon women.
And that's kind of what I told her, was they won't let me come back if I don't bring them.
It was three miles from the house, and there's no way we're getting in the car together.
That's like confined space.
So, we drove separate cars, because that's how we got along.
And so, she went.
We went to Al-Anon.
I mean, that was January.
My sobriety date's November 4th of 1993, and she went into Al-Anon on January 15th.
So, it wasn't that long.
You know, that Christmas was real interesting.
We actually went to Monterey.
Her sister had a place up, and Anna used to go up there with us some.
It was a fun ride for her, being in the car.
That was after we were a year or two in program.
And so, at the beginning, at that first time, it was pretty good.
She hadn't been in Al-Anon yet.
And her sister's place is beautiful.
They're right by the, it's like right up the street from the Seven Gables Inn in the aquarium that they have up there.
And so, we'd sit in her kitchen and watch the sea otters float on their back with a shell and crack,
and get into little animals and eat them.
It was beautiful.
And I'd never seen that before.
They'd lived there for a long time.
Because I was out in the bushes with a bottle of vodka most of the time.
And my father-in-law was a great guy.
I got wonderful recovery with my father-in-law.
I did a lot of damage there.
But this particular Christmas, he had gotten a, they pass around gifts one at a time.
And he'd gotten one of those little bunch of airline bottles of booze, and they're reading them off.
And I'm two months sober.
A month and a half sober.
And I'm coming out of my skin.
But I don't really know I'm coming out of my skin.
But I'm coming out of my skin.
And I'd been to enough AA meetings before I knew what to do.
I got up and I went in to get a cup of coffee.
And, you know, when I come back, that'll be done.
And I was kind of proud of myself.
But when I got in the kitchen, there was no coffee.
The pot was empty.
No big deal.
Somebody got the last cup.
So, I'm just going to make a little coffee.
And then I know they'll be done by the time I get back in there.
So.
Anyways, she had this fancy coffee maker with the gold filter and all.
And I didn't do it all right and get it locked back in before I hit the button.
So, I'm back in there.
And we hear this drip, drip, drip.
You know what I'm saying?
Oh, it's just the coffee maker.
And she's like, that sounds kind of.
So, anyways, my sister-in-law goes in there.
There's coffee everywhere.
It had been dripping out.
And she's got, like, paper, not paper, cloth napkins.
And it went down the thing into the drawers.
And her white napkins got coffee all in them.
And I'm embarrassed.
And my sister-in-law is wonderful.
She loves me unconditionally.
And so, there was no need to feel the way I felt.
But I felt the way I felt.
And I just couldn't handle it, man.
And I ran right out of the house.
And I was at 7 o'clock in the morning on Christmas morning.
I'm in Monterey.
It's beautiful out.
And I was.
I was going to go up to the 7-Eleven a half mile down the street to get a cup of coffee.
And Christmas morning, I'm standing in front of a beer cooler in a 7-Eleven.
It wasn't the coffee machine.
It was the beer cooler.
And it's like a white-out thing.
And I just kind of came to there.
And I knew I was in trouble.
And it scared me.
All those AA meetings.
The readings.
The book.
The trying to work step one.
Some writing on examples that I was powerless over alcohol.
And my life was unmanageable.
But not a lot.
But all that was right there with me, standing in front of a beer cooler on a Christmas morning.
And I knew I was going to drink.
And there was nothing I could do about it.
And I was scared to death.
And I knew I was an alcoholic.
And I'm never not going to be an alcoholic.
Whether I'm drunk or sober.
I'm an alcoholic.
And it's just so profound.
And I was so scared.
And yet, I knew that I needed help.
And I actually went out in the parking lot.
And I got on my knees.
And I stood in a little tiny piece of grass in a parking lot of a 7-Eleven.
And there was a pine tree there.
And I looked up at whatever God I believed in at that time.
As I understood.
And at that moment, and I said, I'm going to die.
I'm going to drink myself to death if you don't help me.
And I wasn't worried about anybody looking at me or anything.
And I was crying.
And it was still today probably one of the most profound things that ever happened to me within myself.
And I loved it.
That's probably the only thing I really look forward to when I talk sometimes.
Because I never know how that's going to go when I talk.
I don't know how I'm going to talk about it.
But it was huge.
I don't know anything about this phenomenon of cravings still really.
I'm starting to learn.
But all the things that had happened to me kind of make sense.
Because I'm an alcoholic.
And so I decided I should get a sponsor.
I'd been seeking several people out.
And some of them guys just were way too much for me.
And they were nice.
I mean, it didn't come out nice when they said things.
But they were nice.
But I knew they did it with love.
I mean, when my parents would punish me when I was a kid, I knew they loved me.
I felt sorry for the kids whose parents just let them do anything they want.
It's like I recognize that as love.
But I couldn't be around it when I was drinking.
So I kind of knew that these guys loved me and that they were there for me.
And they wanted to help me.
And alcoholism is a serious thing.
But sponsorship seemed like such a permanent thing at the time.
So I did wait a little bit.
And I got a sponsor right when I started.
I got a sponsor right when I started working in Anna's backyard with Daryl.
And Daryl, he's a great sponsor.
We had a little questionnaire at our birthday party.
Who was John's first sponsor?
And it was Daryl.
And even Daryl was kind of confused because it was a trick question because he's still my sponsor.
So, yeah, I know.
I'm a little.
It was fun, though.
It was a fun party.
So he did know the question.
What was John's nickname that his sponsor gave him?
And he stood up and said, I know that.
And he used to call me Oh Great Swami John because I had all the answers.
I didn't know any questions, but I had all the answers.
And he gave me a turban for my 10th birthday.
I love recovery.
It fits good.
Anybody that knows me in my area, it still sticks.
And so this recovery thing started the journey, the desperation.
You know, I didn't know I was angry and I didn't know I was afraid.
And I went into this meeting with little Betty.
At our Sunday night meeting, there was 50 people in a little retirement community in Sun City.
And I was a young people.
I was 30.
I mean, the young people today are young people.
But back then, in a retirement community, I'm a young people.
I'm still a young people there, I think.
But it's the land of the newlywed and the nearly dead.
There's a lot of new houses out there for the younger people.
So there's 20 people there with 20 years or more and all these people in recovery.
And, you know, this lady played with the Dorsey brothers and the big bands.
And she was the chronic alcoholic.
She drank.
She had a booze in her purse all the time.
And there was guys there that were doing the dry dock Navy stuff and grand mal seizures.
And they had stories.
And I was no different.
And, you know, I was their little boy.
And I was impressed with them.
But little Betty had had a surgery.
She had cancer in her mouth or throat or something.
Before I met her, they had taken out half her jaw and everything and the bones.
And she couldn't talk.
And Ollie, the guy that was so crusty.
And I thought he taught me all the four-letter words.
And he did.
But they were like love.
And, you know, he didn't use the word love ever.
In fact, God was just dog spelled backwards is what he used to say.
And he never prayed a day in his life.
And he's sober 25 years.
And he helped more people than I could ever help.
And I pray to God all the time.
So I began to see that.
When they can say God and the F word in the same sentence, I'm in the right room.
Because, you know, I'm in construction.
I can relate to that.
And I wasn't scared of God that way.
So all this was coming together.
But I sat by Betty and she learned how to talk because Ollie kept pushing her, calling her up to the podium.
When she drooled, she always carried a fresh napkin or tissue because she was drooling all the time.
And I could understand every word she said, though, because they pushed her.
And she was so sweet.
She was a go-go dancer in one of those cages back in the day.
And she was just, I mean, she was old.
I didn't see any curves when I looked at her.
But I'm sure she was hot.
And I grew to love her.
But I sat down and I was sitting there.
And I was just kind of, and I didn't know you weren't supposed to sit in the row with all the old timers with 20 years or more.
And there's no rule you're not supposed to sit there.
But you don't sit there.
But I didn't know that.
So she patted me on the leg and she said, it's okay, Sonny.
You don't ever have to be alone again.
And it was just before the meeting started.
And I didn't know I was alone.
I didn't know.
I was still so new.
And it hit me how alone I felt.
And I began to cry.
Those cries where you just can't stop.
And I was 40 pounds heavier then.
I was younger and bigger.
And I had a beard.
And I was slobbering.
And I wasn't even embarrassed by it.
And that's interesting to think back.
I still have a huge ego.
But being alone.
Being afraid was such a scary thing.
And that whole cycle began to make sense.
Of being afraid and not accepting it for being human.
And not accepting fear as just a regular part of life.
And so now I'm afraid.
I'm afraid of being afraid.
And so I'm in total fear all the time.
And I don't know that if I just accept that I'm afraid.
That it sets up a way of life where I don't have to be so afraid.
But I can't.
I can't get there.
It's like in order to.
There's a big book.
A big, big book that talks about you give something away.
You get it back a hundredfold.
Well, that's true with all those positive things in my life.
And I give it away.
Well, it's also true with my fear and my negative thinking.
If I give it away, it comes back a hundredfold.
So if I'm spouting out fear and I'm showing my fear all the time.
And it's manifesting through my actions.
Then fear is coming back at me a hundredfold.
And it was just overwhelming me.
And that all kind of came to me when Betty patted me on the leg.
And said, you'll never have to be afraid again.
I'm afraid a lot.
But I don't have to be.
And that's where the higher power relationship started becoming important.
And getting a lot of effort.
You know, they talked about simple things.
Like if you're going to have a relationship with your wife.
You should probably spend a little time with her.
And if you're going to have a relationship with a higher power.
You should probably spend a little time with them.
You know, and the strangers knocking on doors.
And then friends knocking on doors.
And all those little analogies of me talking to my higher power.
And him inviting me in.
And me inviting him in.
And it's really very simple stuff.
Bill Wilson talked about that.
It's so easy to complicate this.
His definition of AA that he wrote.
The only one I've ever read.
Is he said that Alcoholics Anonymous is a simplicity that is consumed by a mystery.
And it's so simple.
And it's so mysterious that I think it and think it.
It's like trying to wrap your head around infinity.
And I did some stuff besides alcohol.
Infinity is like right around the corner sometimes.
The way I lived.
But wrapping your head around simplicity and the mystery of Alcoholics Anonymous.
I just get it so complicated.
And it doesn't take but a moment.
The most simple it gets is when I'm talking to a new guy.
I'm trying to explain to him.
How you can get home without stopping.
Stopping at the bar or the liquor store.
How this thing is simple.
We just do it the best we can for today.
And this whole higher power thing.
And as you understand him.
Is right now.
Right here.
Is how you understand him.
It can be different tomorrow.
It might have been different yesterday.
But it's always how I understand him.
As I understand him.
Right now as we're having this conversation.
And that never.
It's never not right now.
So.
It doesn't mean I understand God.
Which is kind of the way they take the step wording.
Is I understand this God.
So now he can help me.
And I don't have to wait until I understood him.
To help me.
And that works for me.
It may not be the accurate.
Description that the big books even talking about.
But you know.
Sometimes the whole world's wrong and John's right.
So.
This is one of those times.
But.
Because.
Because it is just as I understand him.
And it's really that simple.
And then I.
I understand it perfectly.
When I'm talking to the new guy.
And then I.
You know.
I get in the car by myself.
And I'm driving home.
And then I.
It's gone.
You know.
You can't.
Obtain spirituality.
And.
Hold it in your hands.
Like sand.
Or water.
The harder you try to grip it.
The faster it comes out.
That I lose it.
And so.
It's always when I'm trying to give it away.
One more time.
And so.
That's.
That's been my experience throughout.
You know.
I.
I got.
I had a lot of damage with my family.
My mother-in-law.
Was probably the best.
She was the easiest person.
For me to.
To make a living amends to.
And.
She loved me unconditionally.
My wife.
My ex-wife.
Says that she's.
I'm the only person.
That she loved unconditionally.
She was not.
A nice person.
She was.
She was.
She was.
She was.
She was.
She was.
She was.
She was.
She was.
She was.
She was.
That she was a good person according to.
A lot of people.
Oh, thank you.
And so.
That.
That we.
Love.
You.
But I'm very disappointed in you.
Was huge.
For me.
And that was.
That was my mother.
I'd much rather.
You can beat me.
With a flyswatter with.
A switch.
Don't tell me.
How disappointed in me you are.
Because I can't stand that.
And so that was.
That was what I got.
When I.
When.
And I started hanging around with the same people, the couples, and the people who were living and recovering in their home.
And there was a woman, we just went to her service this year, BR, Barbara Ramey, who did a lot of things for a lot of people.
And she got in my face one time, and she told me flat out, she said,
I don't know what your conception of a man is, but you've missed it completely.
And I remember thinking, you have no idea who you're talking to, lady.
She knew exactly who she was talking to.
And, you know, I could have hurt her, but, you know, it's like the gangbanger with his grandmother's got him by the ear, you know.
And she set me straight, and she told me, these are the people that can help you.
And if you have any idea of trying to get recovery at the level,
that Alcoholics Anonymous has to offer, you're going to start hanging out with these guys.
And I met a lot of people.
Me and my wife were driving down to South Bay and Torrance, LaMedia area, to go to couples meetings on Sunday night,
because they didn't have any in Temecula.
And we did that for a long time.
We started some couples meetings, and we got a, we ended up separating.
And that's her story.
Everybody in the program said, what did you do, John?
Because they know me, when we're getting a divorce.
And I said, you're going to have to ask her, because it was her story to tell.
And so she's, and she's a big part of our lives today.
She has a lot to do with me and Trina being able to hook up and be together.
And so I want everybody to know that Al-Anon has probably, in many moments, in segments of my early recovery,
helped me a lot more than Alcoholics Anonymous did.
Because, you know, that.
I kicked the dog, I slapped my wife, and cussed out my boss, but I didn't drink today, so I'm a success.
Well, they're not buying that.
And it's not really true to me.
I mean, in the beginning, I get that, and I believe it.
And I've had a lot of bad behavior that I don't have to feel guilty over.
But without sobriety, I would never have a chance at any of it.
But the example I can be today to the men in Alcoholics Anonymous, and my son, and the women in Alcoholics Anonymous,
is way more than that to me.
And that is where I draw strength.
I love Trina.
The love I have for her in my life makes me way more accountable and way more sturdy, strong,
than...
of myself.
And I'm able to do that for the guys I sponsor, and my son.
You know, if it's just me, I have a high pain tolerance.
I'm an alcoholic.
I lived out there in a lot of pain.
Pain is not that uncomfortable for me sometimes.
It's kind of like what I deserve if I'm not careful.
But for them, I will draw more strength.
And any mother knows.
Any parent knows that we have more strength for our children.
And it's the same thing with the guys I sponsor.
My responsibility to my higher power.
And it's really not about me.
You know, it's really not about this confusion I get sometimes when I need you guys.
Because there's a lot of outside infiltration into recovery today.
There's a lot of profound things, you know.
There's more to me than this.
And I'm fine.
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
My inner child is like, I'm trying to find an adult.
I've had a, I've been, there's a child in here.
I can find that real easy because that's my maturity level.
But an adult is where I have confusion.
And this, there's more to me.
And then I read the big book.
No, there's less of me.
I need to discover, uncover, discard.
It's less of John, less John, less.
Not more John, more John.
And so I hear these things.
They sound.
great and and they are for normal people and in the world of recovery of in psychiatry or
I'm sure it helps a lot of people but for an alcoholic like me I need to be less and and get
rid of some of this and get rid of some of this chisel away and uh stay on the beam and and and
and then my world gets bigger my world gets infinite because my world was pretty small
you know when's my next drink and I wasn't even really focused on the next one it was like this
one's here and and I was very focused like that but uh but the world is huge now I can I can get
a phone call 11 o'clock at night and I can get in the car and say I'll be back and I can just
drive off at 11 o'clock and I come home at seven eight o'clock in the morning and the only question
I get is is everybody okay because she knows what I do and man if I could have done that when I was
drinking
that would have been great so so I have a lot of a bigger world no doubt but the uh
the responsibility to myself is is myself it's me that I'm accountable to and the only way I can do
that is by voicing all these these things these concerns and and these character defects with the
guys that are my my picket fence around me and then they make me accountable so I'm still talking
about it six months later and I'm still talking about it six months later and I'm still talking
about it six months later they don't want to hear it anymore I can make amends all I want and I can say
I'm sorry and she says that's great can you stop doing it that's Al-Anon you know and we met in
Al-Anon so but anyways I think that's you know there's a lot of recovery there and and I I
appreciate this convention I appreciate Anna I love you so much and and uh Terry our little camp
buddy and we look there's so much to look forward to I I always limit myself and and and God is
infinite and and I would have been happy with how I was five years ago and and now if I look back
it's like thank God I didn't settle for that because and that's it's like me telling the guy
with six months just keep coming back you know and the guy with 40 years old Chuck just just keep
coming back it always gets better if I allow it so thank you
you