Being Afraid of Being Afraid Kept Me in Total Fear Until I Accepted It Was Just Part of Being Human – John H.

About This Speaker Tape

John H. shares his story at the Inland Empire Convention, fresh off celebrating his 25th AA birthday alongside his partner Trina's 25th Al-Anon birthday. He grew up in Orange County in a loving, stable family — parents from Oklahoma, father a mason, sisters who doted on him — and admits that having no obvious trauma left him with no one to blame for his drinking, only guilt. He started drinking around age 12 with his older sisters and by 21 had his first DUI, followed by several more, a suspended license, breathalyzers on his truck, and a life insurance rejection at 26 due to liver damage.

The progression accelerated: rigging his truck ignition with a screwdriver to bypass the breathalyzer, missing family dinners, disappointing everyone who loved him. A marriage counselor pointed him toward Kaiser's Chemical Dependency Recovery Program, where they told him plainly — if you're an alcoholic, rehab alone won't work, you need AA. He walked into a meeting in Sun City on November 4, 1993, where a crusty old-timer with 25 years told him he never had to drink again.

John describes two pivotal early moments: standing in front of a beer cooler at a 7-Eleven on Christmas morning in Monterey, terrified and certain he would drink, then dropping to his knees in the parking lot and asking Higher Power for help; and sitting next to Betty — a cancer survivor who could barely speak — who patted his leg and said, "You don't ever have to be alone again," cracking open a lifetime of unrecognized fear and loneliness. He found a sponsor named Daryl who nicknamed him "Oh Great Swami John" because he had all the answers and no questions, and Daryl is still his sponsor 25 years later.

He reflects on how simplicity is the heart of the program — understanding Higher Power "as I understand Him" means right now, not someday — and how he grasps it perfectly when talking to a newcomer but loses it driving home alone. He credits Al-Anon for holding him accountable beyond mere sobriety, acknowledges the living amends he owes, and marvels at how his world expanded from the tunnel vision of active alcoholism to a life where he can leave at 11 PM to help someone and his partner's only question is whether everyone is okay.

Topics

Timestamps

• 0:00 Opens with logistics and thanks to Anna, mentions just celebrated 25th AA birthday with Trina's 25th Al-Anon birthday
• 3:30 Story of Anna's husband Daryl abandoning their backyard project for his mistress in Colorado, bonding John and Anna through shared sponsor
• 8:00 Growing up in Orange County with Oklahoma farmer parents — mom making kids put forks down between bites, stable loving family with no excuses for later behavior
• 14:00 First grade math class moment where the whole class was wrong and John was right — 'I've been chasing that ever since'
• 19:00 Drinking progression from first DUI at 21 through multiple arrests, lost license, working construction without being able to drive
• 25:00 Life insurance rejected at 26 for liver damage, breathalyzer on truck, stranded on the 10 freeway unable to start the car
• 31:00 Reading the Doctor's Opinion for the first time — phenomenon of craving and entire abstinence finally making sense
• 36:00 Christmas morning at 7-Eleven in Monterey — white-out moment at the beer cooler, then on his knees in the parking lot asking Higher Power for help
• 44:00 Betty in the Sun City meeting patting his leg — 'You don't ever have to be alone again' — breaking open his fear and loneliness
• 52:00 Spirituality as simplicity — understanding Higher Power as I understand Him means right now, grasping it when talking to newcomers and losing it driving home alone