Becky B. at the 12 Steps and Buddhism Retreat – 2012

Hi everybody, my name is Becky and I am an addict and compulsive person. My principle is action and that kind of jumped out at me because Oh, okay. Action is the word that goes with the third step. And in thinking about that, I found it interesting because in the 12 steps, it seems like there's other steps that have maybe more action, like more, you know, physical action, let's say, like writing your inventory or even putting down your bottle or whatever your thing is to exquisitely put it down. So I just thought it was really curious. So I was like, well, why would they pair this stuff up with action? and i think part of it when i read it again is made a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care and i Think the decision part is probably what they're talking about as far as action goes and so but it's not really physical it's more of like a a shift or um an attitude shift or a um a different focus maybe um then actually it's like in your mind it's like a different way you shift to kind of you move because you shift in how you're looking at something I think um and what Judith was talking about last night was really helpful that's how I kind of look at it too is that you know um the shift for me that's different is instead of me walking, you know, into life, life is coming at me and life is my teacher. Life is my greatest teacher and it's probably my, it contains all my teachers, you know? And so my children and formal teachers and things that happen. So I try to look at life like that as my teacher. And then it can kind of be a little more friendly sometimes. But in this culture, it's very difficult, I think, to have that shift that, you know, what I have received. It's a word that Judith used that I like, that receiving. You know, it much more passive like action we can do it you know Nike shoes and you know there's so and there's and even like you know getting somewhere and how can you juggle 10 different things and who can do it the best and you knows there's just everywhere there's this you know do-do-do go-go-go and so it is really difficult to change that into receiving and to stop that, get off that merry-go-round I guess. Even with my children I noticed that I give them so many choices of we have so many choices almost to the point of I wish we didn't sometimes because you know even in the grocery store I kind of marvel at stand back at the shelves and you look at and there's like 10 different deodorants and you have time to like read all of them and which one's cheaper and which ones better I you know what I mean so and it's um we're just full of like choices in my in my kids I do that to my kids I give them choices all the time thinking you know well I mean there's a good aspect to that but But also it's hard to not give them what they want sometimes, you know. And let that be okay. Let them be disappointed or that it's okay to be disappointed and it's Okay to want something and not get it, you know. And that's, it is really hard though because I think when you, as a mom or as a friend, when you care about somebody, you want them to be happy. You want them to be calm and happy. And so it is an instinct to give them what they want, you know? That will make them happy. Like, I care about you. I want you to feel good. And it's definitely much um harder to to stand by and try not to fix something when somebody's hurting you know it's extremely um it's like you got to sit on your hands I guess something like that I don't know There's a lot of, you know, wanting things to do it our way in America. I think, and especially America, I think that it's in our DNA maybe. I don't know. I don' t know. But, you know, even what's that Burger King, Have It Your Way? That Burger King song or commercial or whatever. And that's a good thing. Have it your way. You know, and so it's just so pervasive that I... And seeing that it's so pervasive, it also reminds you, well, be gentle then. Because this is where you come from. This is what you've had since you were a baby. This is what's been, you know, drilled into you every day in so many different ways. And so it is, gentleness I think goes, really can go a long way as far as just remembering that, oh yeah, I know why this is hard. Oh yeah, that's right. That's because it's been in my face or I've been trained this way since I grew up And the people around me also, you know, hold these values of there's not many people that are trying. You know, it's not the norm to try to slow down and receive. And, you Know, sometimes the other thing is sometimes it's really painful to receive. And that's where, you know, the agate stuff comes in. It gets difficult because receiving the pain, then of course immediately I want to go, I want a change and I want numb it. I want be away from it. I don't want to receive it. and i mean it's almost like the animal instinct and sometimes i feel like you know that there's certain pain that like if you get shocking news you know how you're like going to shock it's like your animal self or your protective self helps you um to prepare you i suppose so i mean there's a lot that our instinct is to push away the pain and to be like oh you know don't hurt me and so that again is I need great great great patience and great room to you know to do it differently because it's unnatural it's really unnatural to just receive pain and just sit with pain It's very, very extremely unnatural, especially as an addict. You're so good at wriggling out of it, you know. Even without food or even without any physical, you can still wiggle out of it, really. It's almost like you kind of want to have to have some motive to do it, like, okay, I'm going to feel pain. I'm just going to, you Know, it almost feels like that. But I was reading through my journal, which I take with me for different, you know, workshops and such. And this thing comes out at me. It was a quote. I don't know who from. I'm really bad at that names, and I'm sorry. But it said, everything that comes to you is the truth. So I'm just going to take a minute to be quiet for a second. um action in the buddhist sense reminds me of right effort and right effort is something that i struggle with it's it's one of those things that it's always has to be kept an eye on or it's just always fine-tuning it's like never you know you can't just said it and then go you know i'm good now but so it you know it's easy to for me it's kind of easy to be lazy actually and be more like whatever you know they don't all work out they don't you know I don't need to it doesn't really matter I don' t need to you know blah blah blah this stuff and but or you know on the opposite side maybe people that are a little more type a my sister totally like that she is really like um effort effort effort I mean she's just you know and so it's kind of painful to watch sometimes because there's no um enjoyment I mean maybe she enjoys getting that goal for that short time and then it's the next one so there's all this effort and then this little bit of enjoyment and then you know and and then on on and on it goes so um so finding the balance between that is is seems like a constant and turning the volume, like Judith was saying, in concentration. And so that's another effort to do enough effort that I'm moving but not so much effort that i'm clinging or stressed out because it's really hard to open to receiving life if you're like stressed out and you're, you know. So I really did enjoy that thing that I found in my book. Everything that comes to you is the truth. And I don't know why that rings true to me, but it does. I can't explain it really. And the, there was another thing in my book that kind of was related to that. And I think this was Dogen, a part of it, but I don't want to, you know, misquote him. I don' t want to mess that up. um it was it was um do you really know that what you choose comes back to you and i don't know i don'T really know THAT i think if i did then you know because it gets into this cause and effect stuff if I did know that when I'm unkind or um or lying or you know uh and I see it I see a lot I have a stepdaughter and and she is 17 and it's been quite a struggle to remain kind to her sometimes um and so I see it I painfully see it that I definitely um put out this karma that's bad you know energy or closed off and and even in that session that you put it out it does come back to you because it feels like shit so you know right away even though I feel justified and now she left her thing on the floor she you know i told her to do this chore or whatever and she's so inconsiderate but i still am the one feeling bad she's off maybe you know having coffee and who knows what and i'm the one that's feeling bad right then so um as well as other ways that it ripples and comes back around too um so i don't think i really do know that and you know and it also seems like that um is related to being um together being being not being separate because what i do to her i do to myself and so um yeah i don't know you know it's just i react sometimes i just plain old react to things as react to life not maybe not receive it at that moment but i'm i'm just reacting to it and um so yeah so I do I did the action word popped up to me because I um I took this class recently on the wheel of life and death and I brought in this example of like I had five loads of laundry to do I don't know and just how I mean action is it's I'm not real I don't I'm not I'm not real good at being organized or getting things done or like so the laundry piles up and then the funny thing is I try to do this okay I'm going to be good I'm gonna do all this laundry so I do five loads of laundry I can't fold it all I can put it all away then the kids start rummaging through the laundry then I don t know what's clean and what's dirty then it's like I'm washing it all over again so I'm washing clean laundry so it's like this whole okay so then you know just to watch my karma or my laundry karma, I guess. So, yeah, it's how I, in wanting to do it, in wanting To Get Five Loads Done, in wanting my control, wanting, you know, not to accept what I want to do, So, well, it's totally, as you can see in the story, a bad virus. A total bad virus, but again, I really want to return to patience and gentleness and acceptance because this is really hard, and we're all really brave for being here, And we're all really brave for looking at ourselves, for sitting down for 30 minutes at a time. That's amazing. I mean, how many people are willing to do that? You know? We all came together and said, let's sit down and be quiet together. And it's a really – I commend every one of you for your courage. and for your listening. Thank you very much.