Alcohol Reduced the Crowd in His Head to One Voice, a Bad Voice, but One Voice – Clancy I.

My name is Clancy Immersland and I'm an alcoholic. I'm very glad to be herentonight. I want to thank him for that wonderful introduction. It's always nice to shakenhands with the chairman as you come up. Couldn't wait to get out of here. And Joe,nI, this probably sounds like it's pretty emotional on short notice, but as far as Incan tell, it's really true. If I just had one day left to live and one meeting in mynlife left, I would like to have you chair it. Really. I know it would make it seem likenit was forever. I'm glad to be here tonight. I've got a lot of time, actually. I had somenplayoff time.nI have tickets for Wednesday night, but I don't have to hurry back for that anymore.nSo I will have to take refuge as a Braves fan. I used to see the Braves play all thentime when they were in Milwaukee. So I was an old Milwaukee Braves fan when Eddie Matthewsnand Hank Aaron and all those guys were playing. And so I've kind of a warm spot in my heartnfor, I'm glad the Braves won, really. If the Dodgers could, I'm glad the Braves won.nIt doesn't make a difference to anybody anyway.nHaving lunch Thursday with an ex-Dodger first baseman, who was probably one of their bestnfirst baseman ever. And he was saying, I hate to say this, but he said, I'd like to seenthe Braves win. He said, they're young, hungry, vibrant guys. And our guys are all kind ofnold and overpaid and they're blase. I'd like to see those young guys do it. So I'm gladnthey won.nAnd then to increase my pleasure, tonight I was able to, when I was getting ready toncome down here, I was able to see the Raiders get beat by the Braves.nChargers, who won their first game of the year. I know how it feels like to be a Falconnfan, I guess.nThis has not been a good day for sports, folks, in Los Angeles, I'll tell you. But I'm gladnto be here. I want to briefly apologize to the Al-Ana speaker. I don't know if she'snstill here. Sue, are you here anywhere? Probably not. She had to go, she had to leave?nThe voice over?nNo, I'm not.nI'm not.nNo, I'm not.nI'm not.nI'm not.nI apologize for it.nHello there.nNever did like hernnow that I think about it.nBut I came innnear the end of her talk.nI just came innand I sat downnbrieflynto get out of the waynand she noticed me come innand then I had tonI had to leavento have to thinknmy bags were sittingnout in the lobbynand I hadn't checked innand so I went back out againnand I could just hearngive me thenthe raynas I walked back outnshe gave me ana full scale release.nAnd now she's gone awaynandnbut fortunatelynher husband's sponsornI'm his sponsornso I'll shake her upnnext week.nWe are here tonightntontalk a little bitnabout alcoholnis my guessnand its problemsnand its recoveryntherenfromnand I'm gladnI'm glad to be in ColumbusnI've never been in Columbus beforenand InI know a little bit about itnand it's a nice historical citynbut I'm primarily gladnto be herento discuss thisnsubjectnbecause it's one thatnbaffled menmost of my life.nLike most of younI supposenInI had a lot of difficultynaccepting the factnthat I needed to be herenand I had a lot of difficultynaccepting the factnthere was anything herenI needed.nBecause all of my adult lifenI've had the feelingnthat there's somethingndifferent about menand it's the sort of differencenthatnsimple therapiesnlike Alcoholics Anonymousndon't have much effect on.nInin looking over my lifenit seems to menthat most of my lifenI've had the feelingnthatnmy emotionsnseem to be more intensenthan other people'snand I don't know whynbut it's almost as thoughnit'snI feelnit'sntoo intensenInremember years agonwhen I wasnlong before I ever stayed sobernbut I went to an AA meetingnand Inguy saidnwhat do you think your problem isnI saidnI think I'm too sensitivenand he laughednjust like you laughednand I never told anybody that againnbut I always felt itnbut I never told anybodynwhichnagain told menthat was something differentnthat was something differentnthat was somethingnother people didn't havenand that's why they laughed at it.nInI come from a little townnup in New Yorknnorthern Wisconsinna little townnandnwhen I was a young boynInearly in the second world warnI escapednand Inwas full of enthusiasmnand joynandnzipnand Inearly in the second world warnI wanted to get out of therenand InI hitchhiked to San FrancisconI had no ideanhow far it wasnI looked in thenschool librarynand the mapnand it was about a page and a halfndidn't seem very farnand InI hadn't been anywherenit was dumb and smallnand littlenand Inthank GodnI was able to get out of therenand one guynpicked me upnoutside of Minneapolisnand drove me all the waynto San Francisconand I didn't knownit was unusualnI just thoughtnthat's how you do itnyou hitchhikenand he was in the Navynand he was driving out to the westnto get a shipnand I was telling himnI want to get the Marinesnand kill the Japsnand I was about this bignface full ofnpimplesnand he just saidnwell kidnthey may not be readynto use you quite yetnbutnhenhe took me all the waynto San Francisconput me on a ferry boatnone morningnat six o'clocknin the morningnin Oaklandngave me a bucknandnI got to San Francisconand I went up to thisnhe told me how to getnto the Coast Guard officenand I went up therenand I appliednI was 15nI applied fornCnhe saidntell them you want to bena merchant seamannand I didn't know anythingnI saidnI want to be a merchant seamannhe saidnbut tell them you're 16nI said I'm 16nI guess they were cryingnfor menand they gave me an applicationnand I filled it outnandnthen they saidnwhile you're only 16 kidnyou'll have to have your parentsngive their permissionnso I took itnaround the blocknand got my parents to signnandncame backnand they issued menseaman's papersnthat's how desperatenthey were at that timenthey told me how to getnto the National Maritime UnionnI went down therenand they were cryingnfor guys to put on shipsnand they saidnsign this waivernto take care of your union duesnand I signed the waivernand union duesnand they sent me overnto the Embarcaderonand I went overnto see these enormous shipsnthey had one of these shipsncouldn't believe my eyesnsaid anything's that bignand just got on therenand away they wentnand InuhnI remember that daynso clearlynI'd never feltnsalt air beforenI'd never seennanything like thisnbig shipsnI remember goingnunderneath thenBay Bridgenand somebody saidnthat's Treasure Islandnthat's where thenWorld's Fair wasna couple years agonand we went bynTreasure Islandnand Alcatraznandntried to seenAl Caponenand underneathnthe Golden Gate BridgenI'd seen picturesnof that in schoolnand godnit's justnmagnificentnwe just keptnsailingnand pretty soonnthe earth was goingnout of sightnand I had an intuitivenfeeling I supposenthat I had madenthe first in an endlessnseries of career errorsnand I sidled upnto one of the guysnwith a gold hatnand saidnthis is very nicenbut I've got to get back nownI've got a big English testnMondaynand I guess he wished me wellnhe told me to luck offnand another guy saidngo to your fo'c'slenit's in therenand I didn't knownwhat a fo'c'sle wasnbut it sounded terriblenand I had my little bagnand I wanted thisnfo'c'slenhave you ever been on a shipna ship means that'snwhere the crew sleepsnsleeping roomsnand I was in anI was in a roomnit turned out laternwith one watchnone deck watchnfour guys in a roomnand you were the deck watchnfor onenfour hour periodntwonand so I went in therenI didn't know thatnI didn't know that there werenI didn't know that there werenI didn't know that there werenI saw three of the worstntype of peoplenthat any smallnskinnynpimply facendumbbellnkid could evernseenthese kind of peoplenare callednmennand I guess when they saw menthey realizednoh Jesusnthey know they're going tonhave to do their worknand a third of minenfrom thenneach of themnbecause I didn't know anythingnI could see there wasna little tension in the airnso I told themnsome little storiesnthat used to kill themnin study hallnand theynwhy don't you getnyour god damn bunknand shut upnandnso I got my god damnnbunknand shut upnand that old boatnwas going aroundnandnI started to get seasicknand the ladnwas out of sightnand then these guysnstarted talkingnand it turns outnthey werenthey'd been in San Francisconabout four daysnfive daysnand they'd beenndoing terrible thingsnI justnI'm a NorwegiannLutherannand we arenwe lead a prettynsheltered lifenand I justnhad never heardnof anything like thatnI just couldn'tnbelieve my earsnI thoughtnthese are sinnersnthese people must be Catholicsnandnthey got talking about sexnand I justnI just turned my facento the wallnI meanndon't give the wrongnI don't give the wrong impressionneven at the age of 15nin Eau Claire, WisconsinnI'd had sexnbut I'd been apprehensivenand I'd been afraidnand I'd been alonenand I had nevernseennI'd nevernI'd nevernI'd nevernI didn't knownthese picturesncame to lifenin San FrancisconI don't knownthat I ever felt worsenthan I did that daynone of these guysnwent to his lockernand got in a sea bagnand did somethingnI didn't knownit was absolutely illegalntook out a bottle of whiskeynhe turned to his friendnhe saidndo you want to snortnhe said yeahnto mendo you want to snortnhe said yeahnand he turned to menwith anhad a singularlynunpleasant looknon his facennow that I'm morensophisticatednvery slicknI'd have called itna demeaning lookna repatriating looknor somethingnbut then it was justnpleasant or unpleasantnand this was unpleasantnhe saidnhow about younjuniornyou think you'renman enoughnfor a little snortnhe shoved that bottlenin my facenandnall sports fansnare familiarnwith a phenomenonncalled chokingnDodgers just did itnthis weekendnbut I meannwhat that meansnin effectnis that you getnso wrapped upnwith emotionnyou cannot functionnjust an invisible handncomes out of your shirtngoesnohn, ohnand if you're battingnyou justnohnthe ballnand if you're playing footballnyou wait for a puttnand ohnoh godnyou knownon and onnbut it also happensnin the real worldnof conversationnyou justnI couldn't talknI justnohnnow this sounds strangenI had nevernto the best of my knowledgenI'd never been in the same roomnwith a bottle of whiskeynat that agenI'd never seen one close upnI'd seen them in moviesnbut I'd never seenna bottle of whiskeynthat's incredible todaynand I was raisednin a churchnwhere you didn'tnever drinknand InI couldn't say anythingnbut I just thought at themnas fast and as hardnas I couldnI could justnI could just feelnmy pimple standing upnyou knownand I was thinkingnhow dare younput that whiskeynin my facenI'm a Norwegian LutherannNorwegian Lutheransndon't drink whiskeyneven if they didnI promised bothnmy mother and grandmothernI would never drink whiskeyneven if I hadn't promised themnwhat I know about lifenI learned at the moviesnand in my eranat any ratengood guysnnever dranknbad guys dranknErrol Flynnnnever took a drinknin his lifenas far as I knownnever in Sherwood Forestnall with some oldncrap headnlike Basil Rathbonenornsome other foolnInI justncouldn't stand the ideanand that guynsticking that in my facenand justnsayingnyou think you're man enoughnfor a little snortnand I was thinking at himnand I heard a voice saynGod damn rightnI'm a little weaknunder pressure toonso I had my first drinknand it burned my mouthnand burned my throatnand burned my stomachnand burned my stomachnand burned my throatnand burned my mouthnand burned his shirtnget the bottlenwipe that little bastardnand I was humiliatednwhat I remembernabout that momentnis that I was humiliatednnot the sicknessnthe humiliationnbecause there's nothingnin the worldnworse than being insecurenand not beingnknowing you're inadequatenand having peoplennotice itnand publiclynlaugh at younthat's the kind of thingnif you had a gunnyou'd just shoot peoplenmomentary angernand ragenI thought laternI had nothing I could donbut there's one thingnI might have donenI'm glad I didn't think of itnthey'd haventhrown me overboardnbut what I might have donenif I'd have thought of itnI'd have saidnhey buddynlean overnyeahntake thatngive him a zipnright in the old eyenjust to teach himnbut all the waynacross the Pacific Oceannevery daynI'd sneak into that guy'snsea bagnwhen nobody's aroundnand take a drinknof that slopnand I hated itnand I'd throw it upnbut I would donanything to bento have those guysnnot laugh at menand we werenin Pearl Harborngot into Pearl Harborngot practically stillnsmoking on Fort Islandnand war hadn't beenngoing on very longnthese guys were up on decknand I was downnand the folksnwere trying to drinknanother drink of that slopnand I took a drinknand burned my throatnand burned my stomachnand stayed therenand I thoughtnoh godnif I could just do thisnand smilenohnand all of a suddennI got a wonderful feelingnat the momentnall I thought ofnthisnI really feelnmuch betternthat's all I ever thought aboutnand it made me feelnsignificantly betternandnI suddenly realizednI am just like those guysnin retrospectnI think I feltnthat was the first timenI ever feltnthe way men lookednand it just made me feel wonderfulnI'd known a sea chantynI'd have sung itnthen I got sicknand threw upnand went away againnbut for a few momentsnI realizednthat's the way men feelnand I didn't becomena terrible old drunk after thatnI tried to learn to drinknlittle by littlenlater in the warnI went in the Navynand dranknI didn't becomena terrible old drunknI don't necessarilynlike being drunknand in troublenI like to drink thoughnand have that feelingnand at the end of the warnI was in the Naval Hospitalnup in Northern Californiangetting drunknand I was likenand sewed upnand I took some testsnthey were passingnout to everybodynso I was able tonget a high school equivalencynI'm still a juniornin Eau Claire High Schoolnand I went to collegenafter the warnandnandnfell into the trapnthat other peoplenfell intonofnall the veteransnthe first post-warnclass of veteransnwe all stood aroundnon street cornersntrying to look likensteely eyednsex crazed killersnandngot married in collegenbecause everybodynwas getting marriednwhere I liveneverybody in the whole townnhas got brown hairnor blonde hairnso if you see any girlnwith black hairnit always looks exoticnI met this girlnwith black hair in collegenand she was a Catholicnmy grandmotherntried to warn menshe saidnoh Sonnynshe saidnshe's a nice girlnbut don't marry a Catholicnyou'll be sorrynI saidnGrandmanwe've been over therenin the Pacificnfighting the forcesnof fascismnbigotrynso we don't have to fightnwe don't have to livenwith intolerancenshe's a wonderful girlnwe're going to get marriednand I married that girlnand my grandmothernwas frightenednit'snit isn't thatnshe was a bad girlnshe was a good girlnand I don't knownif you everngoodnI don't know if you evernknow thisnbut there's somethingnthey never tellnlittle Lutheran boysnif you marry a goodnCatholic girlnyou are about to becomenthe head of a rapidlyngrowing familynwhether you want onenor notnI used tonplead with hernI saidncan't we use birth controlnshe said nonyou knownI think about it nowneverybody was so repressednI was so repressednthat if she had said yesnI don't know how the hellnI would have gotten younbirth controlnI'd have been ashamednto ask for itnin mynI guess that's thenthat's the differencenin generationsnin the late 1940snguys would go intonthe drug storenand they'd saynheyngive me a pack of cigarettesnand some condomsnnow at leastnin my neighborhoodnthey'd go and saynheyngive me somencondomsnand some cigarettesnI guessnI guess that's progressnI'd plead with hernI'd saynI'd try to help hernI'd saynwe don't have to take ordersnfrom some old guy in Romenwearing a white dressndo wenand that didn't do any goodnand she had a priestncome by one daynand he gave me anhour and a halfnon the rhythm systemnwhich I don't knownif you know what that isnthat's the Catholicnversion of birth controlnand I listened intentlynand I just couldn'tnpick up that beatnI started my careernas a distributornof small Catholicsnnationallynit's one of the reasonsnI don't have any hair in frontndo you know how many timesnI've saidnyou're whatnbut I went out into the worldnand I became a sports writernand I became a sports writernand on newspapersnand then my wifenkept having babiesnso I had to get better jobsnand I got advertisingnpublic relationsnget a lot of jobsnand became somewhat successfulnintermittentlynbut my problem always wasnit seemed to menas far back as I remembernI'm always fightingnthese damn emotionsnthese damn feelingsnand these feelings of anxietynand despairnand loneliness sometimesnand all kinds of thingsnand they're not all there at oncenthey come and gonlike a bubbling potnI was a sports writernand I was a sports writernas a young mannI realizednyou can't reallynlive with this kind of stuffnso I went to psychoanalysisnand a lot of people saynyou shouldn't go to psychoanalysisnand they saynis that an Anbut I loved itnnow of coursenI went years agonAA's been kind ofnI meannanalysis has been kind ofnspoiled in the last few yearsnbecause so many little peoplenhave been therenbutnin my daynjust the thinkers were therenand I was a sports writernand I discovered thingsnfor instancenI discovered I had beennrepressed by the Norwegian Lutheran Churchnnow I'll tell younI was so sorry to hear thatnbecause I don't kind of like the churchnyou knownand now it turns outnthey psychologically repressed menand that it caused deep scarsnand I thoughtndamn themndamn themnif I knew nownwhat I knew thennI mean if I knew thennwhat I know nownI should saynI would have formednadult childrennof Norwegian Lutheransnwe could havenhired a couplenco-dependentsnand sat aroundnand been pissed offnevery weeknI have a granddaughternwho's graduating this yearnat the University of New Mexiconand I haven't givennmy grandchildren muchnI haven't given her muchnI've given her blue eyesnall my children have brown eyesnand all my grandchildrennhave blue eyes like mensome kind of recessive genenand I've given themnall kind of a sicknsense of humornand she's telling menthat she's thinkingnin Albuquerquenat the Universitynstarting the first chapternof childrennof adult childrennof alcoholicsnand I saidnwhy do you want to startna thing like thatnshe saysnI just like thenlike the acronymnCACAnwellnI sent her to her roomnI discoverednI'd been deprivednas a childnI discoverednthat I had tonI had beenndeprivednI didn't know thatnI didn't know there'd beenna depressionnuntil the psychiatristntold me laternbut I didn't have anythingnI remembernI started innocuouslynone day the doctor saidnyou mean to saynMr. Emersonnat this time in 1935nin this little townnyou didn't have a bicyclenI said nonbut I got thinking about itnon the way homenI began to remembernI'd never had anythingnit took me aboutntwo monthsnfor about two monthsnevery time I wantednto really go intona deepnmeaningful depressionnI'd think about thatnnow we always saynpeople like usnwe don't want depressionsnwe all want depressionsnwe need them every so oftennjust to rinse offnit's like havingnyour own portable crossnyou just set it upndon't forgive them fathernthey know what they donI used to thinknI guess you getna mental picturenof my mindnof a littlentousled hairednapple-tonguednblue-eyednkind of bravenlittle tykenclean but raggedy clothesnwatching his little friendsnride their bicyclesndon't worry about menI'll go into psychoanalysisnit took me almostntwo months to remembernnobody had a bicyclenin Eau Clairenone kid finally got onenwe beat him upnand broke his bicyclenbut I discoveredna lot of thingsnin psychoanalysisnI had breakthroughsnthat sent shiversndown my spinenI began to realizenthat just ana mass of scarsnI guess that's goodninformation to havenbut for people like menwhat it doesnit really hasna terrible effectnit plays to the victimninside of menand boynmost of my lifenI've alwaysnenjoyed being a victimnbecause when I'm a victimnit's not my faultnin fact that's somethingnto think aboutnin AA sometimesnif I forget to say it laternbut I'm not a victimnI'm not a victimnI'm not a victimnI'm not a victimnand that isnmost of usnhave played part of our livesnbecoming victimsnand we get in therapiesnthat tell usnwe're victimsnand the one thingnthat makes AA stand outnis that for the first timenyou can becomenthe hero of your lifenyou don't have to bena damn victim anymorenyou don't have tonlay downnand whimpernhow sad it isnbut when you go through itnyou don't know anybodynit seems likenboy I'm a victimnand a lot of thingsnand Inone of the thingsnthat kept me goingnI spent thousands of dollarsna lot of timendoing itnis that I alwaysnhad the feelingnI'm sure a lot of younhave it right nownif I can justnfind outnwhy I havenall these damn feelingsnif I can justnget to the rootnof these feelingsnI'll be alrightnand I spentnthousands and thousandsnof dollarsnin years of my lifenexamining whynin different therapiesnand I want to give younsome good newsnand some bad newsnthe good news isnyou can find outnwhy you haventhese feelingsnin different therapiesnyou'll get different answersnbut they'll appearnto be validnthe bad news isnit doesn't helpnyou wind upnfeeling crappynand knowing whynI think the onlynpossible usenof that informationnmight be late nightnin a barnwhere somebody saysnheynwhat the hell's wrongnwith younwell I'm emotionallynscarrednI never had a bicyclenand thennshut upn, later onnI got into metaphysicsnbecause I was gettingnmy emotions were gettingnworse and worsenand I had to go to the whipnI had to getnI got into metaphysicsnI was about half crazynby this timenso I really had a head startnI was reallynin there with a finitenoneness of the universal selfnandnI don't like to gloatnit's hard enoughnyou knownto live in the southnwithout having peoplencome down here to gloatnbutnI'm justnjust jokingnI'm just jokingnI'm just jokingnI'm just jokingnbut at one timento the best of my knowledgenI was one ofnsix peoplenin the state of Texasnwho knew truthnand I thoughtnthat would make themnrespect menbut they put menin the insane asylumnso they didnI read booksnlet menlet menif there's anynterrible depressives herenif you want to readnsomething that'll help younthere's a book callednThe Decline of the Westnby a man namednOswald Spenglernwho was anGermannphilosopher of sortsnhe was anhe was anhe wrote murky stuffnI meannlet me tell you aboutnreading philosophy alsonpeople are lookingnif you're by yourselfnyou can saynwhat?nwhat the hell is this all about?nbut if people are lookingnyou saynhow truenbut thisnDecline of the Westnproves thatneverything you believe innall your idealsnall the peoplenall the placesnall the institutionsnthat seem wonderfulnare all falsenthe whole worldnis a scamnand it's just a big laughnand I don't know whynbut if you're depressiventhat cheers you upnI don't know whynanother one I'd like to recommendnif you want to even go craziernyou mightnyou might likena man named NietzschenFriedrich Wilhelm Nietzschenwhonwhat I liked about himnis thisnI was raised innas I saidnthe Norwegian Lutheran Churchnand I can joke about itnbut there's one thing you knownin the Norwegian Lutheran Churchnif you become a sinnernor monkey with Catholicsnyou're going to go to hellnand I'd become a sinnernand then I'm monkeyednwith Catholicsnso there was not much hopenand I could joke about itnand pretend to benI don't carenbut late at nightnit's like Hitler saysnyou give me their mindsntill they're 12nand there'll be a little bitnof Nazi in themntill they're 90nand you let me educatensome kidnthat if you're badnyou're going to go to hellntill he's 12nwhen he's grown upnunless something happensnwhen he'sntwo o'clock in the morningnhe wakes upnhe knows he's going to go to hellnand I didn't like thatnI joinednimitationnatheistic societiesnandndispellednbelief in Godnone time a guy and Inin Dallasnwe were so cutenthey caught usnbefore somebodynblew the whistle at usnbut God it would have been cutenwe had anwe were going to putnin the Dallas phone bookna dial-up prayernfor atheistsnwhere you dial this numbernand nobody would ever answernyou justnyou knownthat's what you can donwhen you're really cutenbut Inbut what I liked about Nietzschenone of his charactersnone of his pieces saysnwhy are you concerned about God?nGod is deadnhe perhaps once livednto set the orbs of worldnbut look at the chaos about younnatural law continuesnbut no divine interventionndo not be afraid of GodnGod no longer existsnI remember reading thatnthinking boynthat's good newsnthat is good newsnthat's truenI got a chancenand I remember reading thatnand InI like Nietzschenlet me tell you hownpeople warp things thoughnthere's a theological seminarynin Chicagonthat has that quotationnon the wallnand I'm likenit saysnGod is deadnsigned Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzschen1884nand beneath it it saysnNietzsche is deadnsigned Godn1906nyou knownshitnthere's alwaysnalways something badnhappening in Chicagontry to remembernwhat row you're in missnInread booksnI did a lot of thingsnbut the one thingnthat helped me the mostnis something I paidnvery little attention tonis thatnwhen my emotionsngot out of whacknthe thing that helped themnbetter than anythingnin the worldnwas a few drinksna few drinksnand I know that'snno lasting answernbut by Godna few drinksnmakes me feel betternif I couldnsynthesize my emotionsnintoninto angeneral categorynI would say thatnprimarilynin retrospectnnearly all of my lifenit always seemed to menthat of myselfnI am not quite enoughnand I don't know whynbut they seem to know itnand they act likenI'm not enoughnbut they don't tell me whynbut there's somethingndifferent about menthat I'm not quite enoughnI need somethingnextra going for menand in addition to thatnI have very few defensesnbecause it seems to menother peoplenare born with a littlenat least a little armornto protect themnagainst the slings and arrowsnof outrageous fortunenas it werenbut somehow or othernmy armor's been stuck opennand people can justnget to menwith thingsnand they make menI don't knownI don't knownI try not to show itnbut my gut churnsna tone of voicena memona change of thingsnjustnI can't stand rejectionnbecausenI just knownI should be rejectednso I can't stand rejectionnand the other thingnis that Inwhenever I have becomensomewhat successfulnit's always accompaniednby a kind ofna coldnnameless fearnthey're going tonfind me outnI don't even knownif they're going to find outnbut they're going tonfind me outnI didn't have tonI didn't identifynat the timenI could see it in retrospectnand so I go through lifennot quite enoughnand feeling vulnerablenandnandnthis cold fearnand I tried a lot of therapiesnbut I'll tell you somethingna few drinksnis the only thingnthat I've ever foundnin my lifenthat almost instantlynbeats that conditionna few drinksnat least if you're like mentakes peoplenwho are not quite enoughnand makes themnsomewhat morenthan enoughna few drinksntakes peoplenwho feel highly vulnerablenand makes themntemporarilyninvulnerablena few drinksntakes peoplenwhonhave fearnmakes themnmomentarilynomnipotentnscrew younJackna few drinksnI'll tell youna few drinksnmakes me feelnthe way men looknand always hasnand InInthe only problemnI've ever hadnwith alcoholnis thatnI have an unfortunatentendency to drinkntoo much sometimesnI overfillnmy holesnand then I havena little difficultynbecause I have a tendencynsometimesnmy psychiatrist saidnI was repressednso longnthat when I burst loosenI become a little flamboyantnand I like to benwith other flamboyant peoplenlet's go to JuareznI want to be aroundnpeople who saynyeahnI don't want to be aroundnsome wimp who saysnwhynit's so latenscrew you JacknI wantnI likendrinking adds a littlentechnicolornto a grey tunnelncalled lifenI'm sure most of younhave known thatnthat life is primarilyna greynendlessnstinking tunnelna few little thingsnhere and therenthat's what I always hatenabout AAnyou go to AAnyou go to AAnand it's justnit's a constrictedngrey tunnelnI guess for the restnof your lifenyou get up every morningnand just saynoh goodnanother endlessndamn grey daynlook at the hallnit's just wonderfulnI'm so happynto be sobernis there anythingnup aheadnI can look forward tonyes there isnafter a yearna hatch opensnand some scrawny armndrops a 39 cent cakenwhoopsnthat's allnthat's allnhellonand I guess a lot of peoplenlike thatnbut repressed peoplendon'tnpeople have had a lotnof internal scarringnpeople have beennvictimizednI need a littlenexcitementnand so I drinknand I drink a littlentoo much sometimesnand sometimes I getnreally drink too muchnand sometimes I getna little flamboyantnso a lot of peoplenthink my problemnis alcoholnI don't knownit isn'tnso I was sentnto my first AA meetingnin 1949nthat's a long time agonthat's a long time agonbefore some of younwere bornnand I hated itnI meannI was 22n22 doesn't soundnvery young nownbut then nobodynheard of anybodynwithin 20 years of itnthey looked at menlike I was somenyoung freaknthey looked at menlike they werenold burned out foolsnis what they werenin their late 30snand 40snjustnyou knownI thought I wasnin God's waiting roomnyou knownthere wasn't any roomnfor young peoplenthat's one of the thingsnI try to remembernnow to saynbecausenthere's so manynyoung people in AAnthere's a whole rownof them here and therenthroughout this roomnthere's a lot ofnyoung peoplenin my home groupnin Los Angelesnandnand I sometimesnhave to remembernto tell themnso I'll tell you toonthatnyou are thenAAnyoung peoplenthe leadersnof tomorrownand if you're likenthe young peoplenin our groupnI'm really gladnI'm going to be deadnJesus Christnthey just make me crazynInbutnI went to AAnfor a whilenbut there was no answernand Inand I had to cycle downnI got to other therapiesnand I did a lot of thingsnbutnI went to AAnfrom time to timenthe trouble with AAnis thisnthere's somethingnthat differentiates menfrom themnmy problemsnare rather deepnand complexnand I can't get a fixnon themntheir problemsnis primarilynalcoholnand they get sobernand shape upnand straighten upntheir actnand they feel goodnwhen I get sobernand try to straighten upnmy actnI feel goodnfor a little bitnuntil one daynhere come my palsnbacknfearnand desperationnand lonelinessnand lonelinessnand feeling differentnand restlessnessnthat our book saysndiscontentnandnthere's a low level feelingnI never even identifiednI had it all my lifenI never even identifiednuntil the guy told it to mentelling me his inventorynone nightnI was so crossednthat he had more insightnthan I wasnI almost pushed him on my carnbutnnownone of the great emotionsnof my lifenwas somethingnI never paid any attentionnbecause it's very flamboyantnit's just a low levelnalmost continual feelingnof uneasenjust kind ofnthis isnthis isn't it eithernthis isn't what I wantednI thought it wasnbut it isn'tnand alwaysnI need something morenand drinkingna few drinksnchanges thatndrinking has a littlentechnicolornI need a littlentechnicolornyou knownyears agonI started sittingnwith my older grandchildrennnow we're youngernat Christmas timenwe used to haventhe Wizard of Oznat Christmas timenI'd sit in my big chairnI thought that'd bena nice imagenwatch the Wizard of OznI did that over the yearsnI still donkeep having grandchildrennbutnendless supplynJesusnlove the little tykesnI'll tell you a little somethingnthat you may havennever learnedntill nownand you'll never hear itnin another AA meetingnas long as you livennow you were lucky enoughnto be here tonightnto hear itnthis is my ownnbreakthroughnperhaps you've noticednwhyngrandchildrennand grandparentsnget along very wellnas a rulenthey really get alongnquite wellnand people saynwhy can that benthey sharena common enemynI wouldn't want thatnto get outside of this roomnbut I sit withnand watch this Wizard of Oznfor 20 years nownand at the endnI justneven to this daynI feel like sayingnDorothy!ndon't go backnto Kansas!nChrist it's all greynback therenstay with the technicolornyou knownthere may be wicked witches herenyou get used to themnI didnyou knownJesusndrinking is justnsomething greatnI love drinkingnand I drink too much sometimesnand I get in troublenand I'm a little too flamboyantnand it costs me problemsnand Intry to do it differentlynand InI kind of have a checkered careernone springnI was nominated to benJunior Chamber of CommercenYoung Man of the Yearnin the suburb of Chicagonby the end of that same yearnI was playing pianonin a cheap bar in San Francisconmy family stuck in a fire meltnin Wisconsinnwith their parentsna year and a half laternI was on the facultynof the University of Texasndirecting a grand operanend of that yearnI was in the Texas StatenInsane Asylumndirecting a Christmas pageantnyou knownnot quite as complexnas an operanyou knownI was in the Texas State Insane Asylumnthe director's main jobnwas trying to keepnthe three wise mennoff the Virgin Marynif you possiblynwe just want tonworship hernCliancynback Lamarnbacknthe year after thatnI was innDallasnthe largest advertisingnagency in the Southnsome guysnpeople decidednI'd learnednmy lessonnand some guysnand I were writingnthese oldnElsie and Elmer adsnfor the boardnif you're old enoughnto remembernthose old cowsntalking to each othernand eight monthsnafter thatnI was on the floornof the Phoenix trunk tanknwaking upnand the guynjust got donenkicking all my front teethndown my throatnyou vomit on my drunknmy bunknyou're drunknI woke up that morningnI was one of the few morningsnI was ever gladnI'd been in psychoanalysisnbecausenonce you've beennin psychoanalysisnat least you getnsome overviewnand some insightnand I was so sicknI couldn't move my headnout of the waynof the way this guynthrew my shoenwhile he kickednmy teeth outnbut I was almostninstantly ablento identify his problemnI remember thinkingnthis son of a bitchnis overreactingnyou knownmakes you feelna little betternandna couple monthsnafter thatnI found myselfnbeing thrown outnof a skid row missionnand stay outnliterallynstay outnliterallynphysicallynthrough mennI try to explain to the guynI'm not a bumnthree years agonI directed a grand operanads that I wrotenwith some other guysnare running this very weeknin Lifenand Colliernand Serving Postnare running right nownthe ads I wrotentwo years agonI've had my picturenin the New York Timesnfor achievementnhow many peoplendo you knownhave had their picturenin the New York Timesnfor achievementnbut it's hard to explainnthese things in mid-airnyou knownwhen you havenno front teethnyou can't hitnthosenconsonantsnquite as cleanlynas you'd likenwhen I stoodnoutside of a skid rownmissionnand if a guynhad come up to menand saidnare you an alcoholicnpalnI'd have to saynno I'm notnbut I wish I werenI wish I werenI would be somethingnif I werenbut there'snsomethingndifferentnabout menand I don't knownwhat it isnI don't knownwhat it isnand I can't find outnand nobodynwill tell menit started to rainnand I walkedn71 blocksnout to an A clubnI'd been asked to leavena week or twonbefore thatnfor fightingnand I hung aroundnthat clubnand I just hated itnI'd been in and outnof A for a yearnafter yearnafter yearnand hear this samencrapnand these samenspeakersnsaying the samenI don't knownif I ever heard themnbut it always seemed to menwhenever I went to a meetingnwhere there was a speakernit was always the same speakernwhatever state I was innfriendsnI stayed drunknaround the clockn25 yearsnone daynI walked through that doornandnand thendesire for alcoholnleft menlike a cloaknfluttering to the floornI now haventhree million dollarsnwith me tonightnseveral different familiesnhave returned to menand I want allnthe one thingnI put the plugnin the jugnand I feel wonderfulnand we were justnsitting therendecidingnwhich hurts leastnhanging yournyourselfnor cutting your wristsnyou knownI remember thinkingnI wish I had onencurare dartnjust while you'rentell us how that feelsnyou old sumbitchnthere's something wrongnbut I don't know what it isnand I hung around that clubnand I had no place to liventhere's an old abandoned carnI waved it back in the parking lotnand I thoughtnthis is the end of the trailnI'm living in an abandoned carnbackna back of a parking lotnthat's full ofnAA membersnand they're goofynturn it overnflip a littlenha ha ha hanfirst things firstnpark the stepsnsee my musclenand they did the same thingnback then as they do nownthey said things likenget a sponsornget a sponsornso I got a sponsornI got a guynI used to see in the moviesnhe was a character actornI played loving rolesnso Inso I got a sponsornso I got a sponsornso I got a sponsornso I got a sponsornso I got a sponsornso I got a sponsornI got him to be my sponsornand it turned outnthose were just rolesnhe playednhe should have wonnthe academy awardnfor everyonenbecause he was anpower drunkndictatorncrazynintimidatingnI meannBobncan't wencan't we reason thisnshut upnthat's notnwhat I was looking fornI've been aroundnAA for many yearsnI know how a sponsornshould actnyou knownyou don't reallyncall a sponsornuntilntry not to call themnuntil you've had a drinknthen you have somethingnto call them BobnI just want you to knownI've let younand AA downnI've had a drinknnow if you've gotna good sponsornyou saynyou haven't let us downnyou're just a sick personnyou had a relapsendon't be angry at yourselfnI'm coming right overnand I'll get some guysnandnand if you need a drinknwe'll get you onenbecause we want to get younthrough thisnnow that's why sponsorsnshould actneverybody knows thatnthis guy said thingsnto me likenkidncall me whenever you wantnday or nightnif it's late at nightnit better be importantnI'm notnup until the timenyou take a drinknonce you take a drinkndon't call menbecause all you're going to hearnfrom me is a dial tonenI don't want to talknlisten to yournchildish crapnohnand he was having mentake actionsnand do thingsnthat humiliated menI tried to stay awaynfrom him reallynInI mean you knownI justnI had nothingnI knew I was going to benon the streetnfor the rest of my lifenbut I didn't have to takenI didn't have tonhumiliate myselfnit's one of thenworst times in my lifenin my early sobrietynI'll tell younone of the greatnturningnprobablynI've often thoughtnone of the turningnspots in my lifenprobably the greatnturning spot in my lifenwas something I neverneven identifiednfor yearsnI was talking aboutnone day in a meetingnand suddenly struck menGod that changed my lifenI was at a Tuesday nightnmeeting at thenCentral Hollywood meetingnthat was reallyna weird meetingnthat's why I went to itnthere were weird peoplenthey had spiked hairnand dressed funnynthis was a long timenbefore the rest of the worldnwas doing itnyou knownI meannwhat's the guy's namenplaynBela Lugosinused to go to that meetingnwhen he was coming off drugsnyou knownhe'd be sitting downnand you'd thinkndon't bite my necknyou bastardnjust weirdnsick peoplenand I couldnit's a participationnwhere they called on peoplenand I could nevernI couldn't get called onnin that meetingnI went to all these meetingsnI always got called on oncenand I'd tell themnwhat I thoughtnand they'd neverncall on me againnI wasn't even an alcoholicnbut you knownat leastnyou knownat least I could straighten them outnand I stand therenright by the podiumnat the coffee breaknand I saw a womannwho was sitting therenin about the second or third rowna woman I particularly hatednher name was likenMary Lisa or somethingnshe was one of these girlsnwho were three years sobernand everybody just lovednMary Lisanand isn't she doing wonderfulnand she sponsors peoplenand she's so nicenand the kind of personnyou just want to saynah you beastnyou knownand Inand I was thinking to hernI thinknyou knownwhat would people saynif I just went overnand smashed her face oncenbecausenshe had done somethingnthat really hurt my feelingsnand here comes my sponsorsnclassynyeahnshe saidnI want you to apologizento Mary LisanI thoughtnmy Godnhe's read my mindnthis isnI saidnwhynhe saidnI heard that you called herna bitchnat the meeting last nightnall rightnBobndon't let it go any furthernbutnshe is a bitchnreally a bitchnhe saidnwhy do you think she's a bitchnshe told her new girlnnot to go to bed with menwell she's absolutely rightnyou're going to apologizenright nownthis is the endnnot only was she screaming this at menbut she could hear itnand she was goingnI'm sorrynthis is the endnI'm going tonI used to be a good writer oncenI'm going to tell himnI'm going to couch this nicelynso there's no misunderstandingnI'm going to tell himnwhen I think of himnand AAnand all this crapnI'm just working out my mindnthinkingnBobnwhy don't you takenthe twelve golden stepsnof recoverynseason themnwith the twelve traditionsnwhich are to the groupnas the steps are to the individualnput a little garnishnof the twelve promisesnthat never everncome true to real peoplenwrap them allnin the twelve conceptsnof world servicenand stick them up your nosenbecause I'm not going tontake this crapnI'd rather be deadnthan be like thisnnow I was just working this outnand I had to turn on himnI was going to give him thisnI knew he'd just stagger backnand it's justnsuddenlyna ray of lightncame out of heavennand illuminated menactually it was justna passing thoughtnbut it's more dramatic this waynand it suddenly struck menwhat in hellnam I going through all this fornI'm making such a big deal about thisnI've been falling into a trapnof thinkingnI have to mean these thingsnhe wants me to donI don't have to mean themnI just have to do themnand I can laugh at the old foolnwhile I do themnthat's ridiculousnokay Bobnsorry Mary Lisanyou lousy bitchnand from then onnI became an activistnevery time he told mento do somethingnI did itnand I'd laugh at himnwhile I did itnpick up those cupsnsure Bobnever wonder whynyou can't get rolesnin the moviesnit's because you're crazynthat's whynI did thingsnI became an activistnand I laughed at these peoplenmy motives were so terriblenand I saidnoddly enoughnI started to get betternand I've been getting betternlittle by little ever sincenmy motives have improvedna little bitnbut now it's beennthis monthnit'll be 33 yearsnsince I walked off Skid Rownand the only therapynI've had in all this timenis Alcoholics Anonymousnandnit didn't getndon't get menmisunderstandingnthings didn't get betternthe month after thatnI was on my waynto commit suicidenand I got firednas a dishwashernbecause I had a bad attitudenyou knownit isn't as bad as you thinknI got a jobnsomebody put in some cloutnand got me a jobnin the gated delicatessennand I was washing dishesnand something struck menthe busboysnare bringing in more dishesnthan the waitressesnare taking upnwhich led me to believenthat the busboysnare getting dishesnin other restaurantsnto humiliate menbecause I'm an Anglonso I just didn't dona lot of the dishesnand it turned outnI miscountednand I was firednbut I was going to gonI was going to kill myselfnI was going to drown myselfnin the oceanna la A Star is BornnI thought that was a nice waynto do itnand I walkednand I couldn't find the oceannand I callednI stopped to guessnI said where is the ocean Valnhe said you're justnin West Beverly Hillsnanother two milesnpast the veterans hospitalnand then three milesnpast thatnI thought wellnI don't mind dyingnI'm not going to walknmyself to deathnand I called up my sponsornI thoughtnmaybe he can give me a liftnI said Bobnand he saidnwhy don't you work itnand I said Bobnlet me tell younI justnI can't go any further Bobnnobody likes menI'm just going nowherenI'm just a terrible Bobnwhat am I going to donhe saidnwhy don't you write your inventorynthe way I told younand I just told himnthe week beforenI don't have to writenI've taken my inventorynwith a professional psychiatristnwhy take it with annout of work actornfor Christ's sakenyou knownand he got crabby about thatnI saidnwrite my inventorynin my judgment Bobnthat's the last thingnin the world I neednI'm so full of memoriesnI can't stand itnin my judgmentnhe saysnin your judgmentnwho cares about your judgmentnyou live in an abandoned carnif I wanted your judgmentnI'd come downnand put my head in the windownand ask you for itnhe got me so upset that daynthat I wrote an inventorynand I was so upsetnI didn't even edit itnas I went alongnI put a lot of stuff in therenI didn't look goodnI'll tell younand about a week laternI was going to commit suicide againnso I read it to himnhe drove me along the oceannall the way to Oxnardn40 milesnand I read thisnhe gave me a flashlightnI did like all of you didnlet me explain this partnbefore I read itndon't explain itnjust read itnand I got up to Oxnardnand I thoughtnhe's going to push me out of his carnand he wentnI'm going to push you out of your carnohnI thought he's crazynand I've taken that ridenmaybe 200 times since thennon the driver's sidenand watched some other pukenwith a flashlightnlet me explain this to younshut upnand I'll tell younif you listen to enough inventoriesnit's a sad thing to saynbut there's nothing ever newnwhen every guy takes the inventorynI just thinknhave something new in therenjustnI don't care what it isnyou knownit must be somethingnsomething newnI listen to the inventorynof the guy who put the flag on the moonnI thought there must bensomething interesting in herensame oldnthere's always somethingnyou do to your mindnand your bodynandnI'm much more kindnthan my sponsornI don'tngo like thatnI turn my headnbut I took an inventorynlittle by littlenI took these stepsnagainst my willnand for the worst motivesnand I startedntalking about a year or sonwhere I finally held a jobnwrapping packagesnin an advertising agencynthat's what I didnwhat we callnthe AA rocket to stardomnand I got another jobnand I was two years soberna little writernin a medical corporationnfinally he took a chance on menand I went to my sponsornand I saidnBobnI've been saving upnsome money on the flynI'm going to get some front teethnso when I go to work therenI'll reallynhe saidnsend that money to your kidsnI said whatnhe saidnyou'rensend the money to the kidsnthey need itnJesus Bobnthey got a front teethnI don't carenyou're a kidncrappy fathernsend them the god damn moneynthat's what I didnbut I learned to carrynmy lip like thisna lot of peoplennever knewnI didn't have front teethnthey just thoughtnthey thought I'd beennburned in a fire somewherenbut my sponsorninsisted I go to worknevery daynwhich was against my wishesnbut I didnand by the time I wasnfive years sobernI was director of advertisingnpublications for thatnbig corporationnI had front teeth thennI'll tell younthere are new peoplenhere tonightnwho have lost teethnlet me give you some hopenonce you becomentruly spiritual transformednthey grow backnI'll have your sponsornexplain that to younsome nightnwhen I was seven years sobernanother guy and Inwere brought into Hollywoodnand we created somethingncalled Boss Radionwe became the number onenhard rock station in the worldnthere's one young mannsitting herenwho remembers thatnjustnwe all wore shiny suitsnand said things likenwhat's coming on downnbabynI was ten years sobernI was on public relationsnwith the oil companiesnfifteen years sobernI was a marketing directornin Beverly Hillsna publishing firmnI was five years sobernsame wifenand all those childrennheard the crinkle of greennin my walletnall the way to a post office boxnin Dallasnleaped out of theirnpost office boxnfled to my sidenattached themselves to menlike a group of starving chiggersnnine monthsnand ten seconds laternI was ten years sobernthank Godnsomebody bought mena metronome thennnow they're all grown upndoing pretty wellnmy oldest daughternwho was mostnif anybody was evernscarred in our familynby all the problemsngoing onnshe's the only onenI'm a littlensorry to tell younwhat she's donenshe just was appointednthe secretary of thenassistant attorney generalnfor the state of New MexiconI hate to have to tell younthe kid of minenwent into law enforcementnbut I don't judgenI don't go to New Mexico eithernI'll tell you thatnI was not quite surenI was going to be therenin two weeksnshe's got three years in Anand doing just greatnand they're all doing all rightnand so now I'm livingnout in West LAnby the oceannand my life is finenand I've been soberna long timenwhen I was 15 years sobernby the waynI was feeling so goodnI resigned a jobnin Beverly Hillsnand for the last 17 yearsnI run the mission on Skid Rownthat threw me out in 1958nand so lucky for the guynwho did itnonce InI thoughtnI'll get you somedaynbut it's not a treatment centernit's not a treatment facilitynat allnor an alcoholic treatment centernit's just a placenwhere we feedn1700 meals a daynto dying men and womennand bed down peoplenand give them clothingnand give them some sort ofnhope for lifensome never get itnbut I'm at that stagenof my life nownor you knownat the stage of my talk evennI know there are new people herenyou get used to thisnwhen you go to A meetingsnthe speakers saynI was way downnand now I'm wonderfulnand they don't say itnbut they look at younas if to saynI've got it all togethernand you haven'tnand probably never will havenand so you'll hear itnyou'll get sick of those storiesnI'll diennow I'm wonderfulnthere's only one thingnsometimes you may feel hungry fornas I did when I was newnhow in hell do you getnfrom there to therenthat means one thingngo to meetingsnwork the stepsnI don't have an hournbut that doesn'tnwhat can you donwhen you're not even an alcoholicnwhen you're not really an alcoholicnwhen your case is differentnthe most important thingnI said tonightnor I'll say before I sit downnI said a long time agonI said my name is ClancynI'm an alcoholicnnow how could I be an alcoholicnwhen my problem isn't really alcoholnI'm an alcoholicnI'm glad that I survived in AA long enoughnand stayed activento learn the most important single thingnI've ever learnednabout my naturenor about the nature of my illnessnanything you've heard beforenjust resolve an introductionnI'll give you a sentencenthat I hope if you're newnmight change your lifenin AAnI learned finallynthat if my problem is alcoholnI am not an alcoholicnand converselynif I'm an alcoholicnmy problem is notnand cannot be alcoholnnow doesn't that sound upside downnand goofynlike some TVninner child crapnbut that'snthat's the nature of AAnI believe that's what this program is all aboutnthat's what this book's aboutnI'm sure I'm one of the very few people in this roomnif not the only onenwho's had the opportunity to sitnand talk to Bill Wilsonnfor an hournthe founder of AAnthat's what he feltnas of 1928n1963nwhen I talked to himnI don't think he changed his mind afterwardsnbecause how can that benof course the problem is alcoholnI can disprove that in 10 secondsnif the problem is alcoholndetoxes turn on recovered peoplenand they don'tnhospitals turn on recovered peoplenGenesis turns out recovered peoplenjails turn out recovered peoplenthey don'tnthey turn out peoplenwith varying amounts of information and datanabout their problemsnbut if they be like menI will guarantee younthat sooner or laternunless something dramatic happensnthey must alwaysneventuallynbegin to drink againnwell if the problem is in alcoholnwhat the hell isnis it something mysteriousnsomething spookynsomething you have to pay extra to learn aboutnnonsomething you hear about every daynbut if you are like menyour preconception of itnmay be strongernthan what you're trying to hearnand it may kill younthe problem isnthe problem we are confronting herenis something that sounds like alcoholnbut isn'tnit is something called alcoholismnyou say alcoholnalcoholismnsame thingnnot the same thingnbig differencensomeday if you are like menyour life will depend on remembering the differencenthere's a lot of differencesnyou can talk about them for hoursnbut for in one sentencenlet me put it this waynan alcohol problem is overcomenby stopping drinkingnand cleaning up your actnin this strangendenigratingndestructivenemotionally erodingneventually fatal thing called alcoholismnyou will discover sooner or laternthat stopping drinkingnhas no significant effect on your lifenin the long runnother than to gradually make it so painfulnyou can't stand itnthe thing that makes alcoholism a fatal diseasenis that the apparent recoverynis the more painfulnaspect of the illnessnbut even that doesn't make you an alcoholicnthat just predisposes you to be an alcoholicnthere are millions of peoplenof all the emotions you and I donwho we think we are so uniquenbut they are called acute or intense neuroticsnthey are people who feel the psychiatric culture of the worldnsaying the same thing we say to our sponsornwhy am I differentnthey are the people for whomnthings likenvalium and thorazine and secanol and darvannand all the slow down drugs have been creatednto slow down intense neurotic personalitiesnbut they are not alcoholicnnearly all of them and never will benand nor can they benbecause something else must be presentnwe hear about it all the timenAA but we don'tnif you are like menyou would have no idea what it meansnthere must be an allergy of the bodynwhat the hell does that meannnever mindnexceptnthat isn't good enoughnthat isn't good enough for menI mean it wasn'tnI had to find something I could understandnit turns outnthat to be an alcoholicnin every generationn5 or 6 percent of peoplenand nobody knows whynit's been going on as far back as they can tracenthere's memories of it in Egypt and Babylonian5 or 6 percent of peoplenget an unnatural reaction to alcoholnand they don't know whynand nobody knows whynand they don't know it's an unusual reactionnand the people around them don't know they're getting itnand Bill Wilsonnwhen he tried to describe itncalled it an allergy of the bodynDr. Silvermanncalled itna sensitivity that I can't quitenso what is this unnatural reactionnwhat is this allergynonce you understand it should be easynwell maybenif you're an alcoholicnyou stay drunk all the timenthat sounds realisticnfalsenit is impossible for a human bodynto stay drunk 14 days and nightsnin the laboratorynyou can't stay drunknthat's one of the rottenest partsnabout being a drinkernyou keep sobering upnif well maybenif you can't handle alcoholnthat must be a falsentests have indicatednalcoholics handle alcoholnbetter than social drinkersnin almost any situationnif you've ever been to a partynwhere alcoholics and non-alcoholicsndrink the samenI'll guarantee younthe alcoholics drive the non-alcoholics homenbut you can't ever get the non-alcoholicsnto drink that muchnit's hard to run the testsnno more for menI'm starting to feel itnand the answer to that isnfeel this you wussynis it thatnalcoholics get crazynbecause you hear all these speakersnthey've all done this bizarre thingnand then I broke out of Sing Singnraped 24 nursesnand went to Menger's clinicnand got sicknsome people do thatnbut that's not how you mark an alcoholicnI'm going to do thisnto help younI'll give you a different situationnthan most of you as you knownwhen I go to worknin the morningnI have to step over the bodiesnof dying men and womennto get to my officenand when I go home at nightnI step over the bodiesnof dying men and womennto get to my carnI'm surrounded by death all the timenand most of these peoplenhave never been bizarre onesnin fact they become catatonicnjust the oppositensome people become bizarrensome never donthen what is itnwhat is this unnatural effect?nhow can we not do the same?nhow can we not do the same thing?nAnd once you begin to understand that, it all starts to make sense.nIt turns out that the unnatural effects is not what alcohol does to you at all.nBecause it does something different to different people.nIt has to do something special for you.nThat's what makes an alcoholic.nWhat does it have to do for you?nIt must almost instantly take people who don't feel like quite enough and make them feel more than enough.nIt must almost instantly take people who feel vulnerable and weak and make them invulnerable.nIt almost instantly must take people who feel afraid and make them feel momentarily omnipotent.nIt must fill holes.nIt must make me taller and more self-contained and them smaller and less threatening.nAnd I had no idea.nI thought that did that for everybody.nI always thought it did that for everybody.nAnd if they didn't drink, it meant they didn't need to have that feeling.nBut if it does that for you, I'm telling you, you have a better feeling than...nIt's the best feeling I know.nI've been working...nThey talk about narcotics.nI've been working with narcotics addicts for over a quarter of a century.nI know a little bit about narcotics addicts.nI can tell you about heroin.nIt gets you great euphoria.nBut you can never...nAfter a while, a very short time, you can't get back there.nYou have to overdose.nOverdosing is what always kills heroin addicts.nThey're trying to get back to that euphoria.nThey can't quite get back there.nThey must always be watched.nCocaine gets you way up there.nNow crack.nCan you imagine?nCrack has become so available.nGuys on Skid Row are addicted to crack.nBut it gets you way up there.nMomentary omnipotence.nEverything's wonderful.nBut pretty soon the side effects of speed drugs get to you.nThe paranoia.nThe terrible restlessness.nThe terrible addiction.nAnd your body starts to go on your track.nBut alcohol, if it's working right for you,nputs you right where you arenwith all your holes filled.nYou want to try me, copper?nTake your job and shove it, Mr. Carlton.nYou with anybody, granny?nNothing changes, but it looks the same.nThere's nothing wrong with it.nIt's great.nThere's only one trouble.nThere's something else that comes with this.nA physical thing.nIt seems to set up a craving for more.nNo one has ever been able to describe why.nI have a theory on it.nThis is as good as anybody's, I guess.nAt least I believe it to be true for people like me.nAnd that is this.nWhen you feel so bad, you need a drink.nTell you, when you need a drink bad,nand you take a drink,nthere's almost an orgasmic feeling.nThat first drink.nJust, oh, God.nOh.nRemember sitting in a bar?nYou're still almost falling off.nYou're, oh.nIt just, but it does something.nIt gives me that edge.nBut the trouble with it is,nit has a quick fade on it.nIt starts to fade almost immediately.nSo you have another drink to hold it.nAnd you have another drink to hold it.nAnd you have another drink to hold it.nPretty soon you're drunk.nYou don't want to be drunk.nI'm sure there are people in herenwho have done what I used to do when I was young.nGo in the can.nPut your finger down your throat.nThrow up.nSo I can come back and have that edge and that fun.nBut sooner or later,nyou're always going to drink.nLike Rick says.nSooner or later.nAnd so then you've got tonstart getting in trouble with drinking.nThen you're going to stop drinking.nYou're going to stay sober for a while.nThen you realize,nthen you remember why you're drinking.nBecause sobriety is wherenpain is.nFear.nLoneliness.nFeelings of indifference.nNot being enough.nAnd drinking is getting me in trouble.nThere's a little thing in chapter threenthat people always laugh when they read about it.nIt sounds,nit sounds funny.nIt talks about what people do.nChange from beer to brandy,nbeer to scotch to brandy.nDrinking beer only.nNever drinking at home.nAlways drinking at home.nOn and on.nWe all laugh.nHa, ha, ha.nBut we've all done those things.nFor the very simple reason.nWhy do people do that?nBecause they're trapped in a terrible obsession.nI've got to believe that somehow,nsomeday,nI will control and enjoy my drinking.nBecause I can't live without it.nAnd it's getting me in deep trouble when I drink.nI've got to find a compromise.nMaybe if I only drink at home.nMaybe if I only drink beer.nMaybe if I only,non and on.nIf I take physical exercise.nMaybe if I read spiritual literature.nMaybe if I get psychoanalyzed.nMaybe.nBut nothing ever happens.nIt always gets back.nYou wind upnin a situation finally.nAnd it turns out,nit has nothing to do with age.nIt's when it begins to happen.nSome people get this reaction to alcoholnfrom the very first drink.nThat unusual thing.nSome people drink for 30 yearsnbefore they get it.nBut then they get in the same situation.nThat's why we have the paradox.nIn AA,nold guys get up like,nsay things like,nI dranknfor 30 years.nAnd look at Cusie and eat some little snotnas if to say,nhow could you be an alcoholic?nYou're not even 30 years old.nThey don't realize that little snotnis sitting there looking at them thinking,nyou can't be much of an alcoholicnif you lasted 30 years,nyou old son of a bitch.nYou know.nIt turns out it isn't when you,nit's when it begins to do it for you.nAnd you wind up in a conditionnwhere you can't,nyou can't stay drunknand you can't stay sober.nAnd it's got nothing to donwith being on Skid Rownbecause I've had the opportunitynto sponsor peoplenwho are still makingn$500,000 a year on their bottom.nAnd the guy who put the flag on the moonnand the psychiatristnand the priestnand they weren't all on Skid Row.nWhat do we all have in common?nWe all wound upnwhere sobriety was untenablenand drinking was untenable.nThat condition is called alcoholism.nAnd nearly everybody who has it todaynwith all the help availablenis actually,nestimated over 90% of alcoholicsnin America still die drunk.nAnd why do they die drunk?nBecause they die drunknfor the very same feelingnyou and I have hadnand if we don't tend it,nwe will have it again.nBut I am not really an alcoholic.nYou don't understand.nMy problems came when I was sober.nI just drank for relief.nAnd what they don't realize,nthey've just definednthe disease of alcoholism.nAnd the reason that's importantnto remember,nso that you will not be likenthe millions of peoplenwho have come to AAnand stayed sober a whilenand left convincednthat AA doesn't work.nThey come and stay sober for a whilenand go to meetingsnand pretty soonntheir feelings come back.nRestlessness,ndiscontent,nfeelings of difference,nboredom,nall these things.nThey say,nman, it doesn't work for me.nI don't supposenthere's a long-term drinkernon Skid Rownwho's dying on the streetnwho hasn't been to AA.nEverybody's been to AA.nLong-term drink.nAnd there's people goingnall the time.nThen what the hell is it?nThat's why we have to get together,npeople like us,nand share our experience,nstrength, and hopenso we remember to do something.nRemember to understandnthat getting sobernis not the point of AA.nGetting sobernis the front porch of AA.nWhen you get on that front porch,nyou dry off.nBut pretty soon,npain's going to comenbecause that's the natural statenof sober alcoholics.nThen you have your choice.nI feel, oh, my case is different.nAnd running away,ninto endless depravity almost.nOr else you cannstep into the house.nAnd in the house is where AA is.nAnd what's in therenis things likendeveloping someninterpersonal relationshipsnand taking actionsnand making commitmentsnand obeying,nfollowing the commitmentsnand hopefully getting a sponsornthat you could not intimidate.nSomeone who may be gentle,nsomeone who may be rough,nwhatever you need,nbut someone to whomnyou will,nwho will subordinatenyour judgmentnin moments of stress.nWho you will give the powernto tell you what to do.nAnd over a period of time,nyou'll take 12 steps.nOne of the bad thingsnabout some treatment facilities,nI don't know how,nI'm sure it's not Genesis,nbut some treatment facilities,nthey release peoplenfrom the hospitalnthinking they've takennthe 12 steps.nThey're convincednthey've taken the 12 steps.nYou say, we're going to work,nnow you're out of the hospital,nnow we're going to work on the steps.nDon't need to work on them.nNot going to work on them.nI took them in treatment.nAnd it's kind of funny,nexcept they commit suicide that way.nBecause you can't takenthese 12 steps in 28 days,nor 28 weeks,nor 28 months,nor 28 years.nThere's always somethingnyou've got to be dealing with.nIt's like driving,nwe're driving down the roadnfrom Atlanta today.nLong, straight road.nThe driver didn't holdnthe wheel like this.nNo matter how straight the road,nit's always like this.nIt's always like thisnbecause there's bumps in the road.nNo matter how smooth your life is.nWe claim that we all want serenity.nBut I don't supposenany alcoholic could standntwo days of pure serenity.nYou just couldn't stand it.nYou might think you could say,noh, I'm wonderfully serene.nI've never been so happy.nBut after about a day and a half,nthis hand starts,ndips in the septic tank.nLook what attacked me now.nNo.nThe reason that's,nand you've got to keepnworking on things.nBecause, you know,nyou can go to hear these speakersnand it sounds so nice.nThey say,nin a short talk,nthey're going to say,nwell, I was all right.nThen I got sick.nThen I got well.nNow I'm wonderful.nYeah.nBut that is the waynit is in real life.nIt takes years.nYou go,nI'm downhill.nI think I run out of control now.nI just drank beer on Friday.nWell, Jesus, you know.nTakes a long time to get down there.nAnd when you get back,nI found a new way of life.nA program of 12nsimple steps.nOh, my God,nI can't stand it.nIt's a long pullnbecause you've got to deal withnemotions that are human emotions.nThe best advice I can give younis throw yourself into AA.nDo not allow yourselfnto fall into programsnwhere they convince younthat you are a victim.nBecause it will momentarilynmake you feel better,nbut you will never get better.nYou will live as a bitter victimnas long as you live.nAA also knowsnsome of us have been victimized.nBut they say,nlet's look at it.nLet's discuss itnand then to hell with it.nThat was thennand this is now.nLet's not take the rest of my lifenliving back therenfor Christ's sake.nYou know,nDr. Bob,nco-founder of AA,nhis son lives in Texas.nHis name is Bob Smith.nHe's about 75 now.nI was kidding him a few years ago.nI said,nI suppose you're going to becomenthe president of adult children,nyou know,nbecause you're the oldestnliving adult childnof an alcoholic.nAnd he got pretty testynwith me.nHe says,nI declined to be frozenninto the rolenof an 18-year-old.nI declined to be frozenninto the role of an 18-year-old.nI declined to be frozenninto the role of an 18-year-oldnneurotic.nNow,nI know thatnthere are some forms of ACAnthat help people get better.nBut when you have to pay for it,nthey're going to keep you sick,nin my opinion.nThat's,nthat's only my opinionnand Bill Wilson'snand Dr. Bob'snand God's.nAnd,nI want to,nhow much timendo we have left?nHuh?nI want to just add one more thing.nI want to say,nI haven't talked about thisnfor a long time.nI mean,nI know a lot of people,nyou've got a long waynto go to get homenand I'll be homenby Thursday.nBut,nwhen I was new in AA,nthere weren't hardlynany treatment centers,nyou know.nTreatment centersnwere not even heard of.nThere were a few sanitarianand they were just terriblenturning out drunksnand,nthe key leak herenthat made people worsenand revulsion treatmentsnand,nas the years went along,ntreatment centers came innand they started to flourishnand there were big chains of themnand a lot of the old termersnwere like,nGod damn treatment centers!nUgh!nGod damn it!nWhat a,nyou know,nterrible fights.nI was one of themnand over the years,nI,nI've becomenacclimated to the factnthat there arenpurposes for somentreatment centersnand not for others.nThere are good treatment centersnand bad.nAnd,nit,nI certainlynbelieve thatnGenesis is a good one.nIf it didn't,nI wouldn't be here.nI may be wrong,nbut if I didn't,nI wouldn't be here.nI wouldn't go and talknfor a bad treatment center.nBut you say,nwhat's the differencenbetween a good treatment centernand a bad treatment center?nOne time I was talkingnat an international conventionnin Montrealnand I was trying to thinknof a,nan analogy.nAnd I,nthe one thatnis maybe the bestnI ever thought ofnin the spur of the moment.nWhy would peoplengo to a treatment centernwhen they just go to AIM?nWhy is itn$1,000 a treatment centernwhen you go to AIMnfor nothing right now?nI thought to myself,nit's like going downnto the beachnin Santa Monica.nSomewhere beyond the horizonnis Catalina Island.nAnd you can get on there.nI want to go to Catalinanand here's a neat,ntrim,nlittle shipncalled the SSnTreatment Center.nPeople in cleannwhite jackets.nNice smellsncoming out of the galleynsaying,ncome with us.nWe will help younto get to Catalina.nAnd down the beachnthere's a couplenof guysnscrounging aroundnthe tall grassnsaying,na word from me,nhey,nyou want to go with us?nWe've got an invisible boat.nWell,nnot much choice there.nReally wonderful.nI think my blue crossnwill cover thisnand good luck to you, pal.nSo they get to thentreatment centernand the treatment centerndoes exactlynwhat it says it should.nTries them off,nmakes them feel good,nfeeds them,nstraightens them up.nThe only problem isnit just gets outnof sight of landnand says,nwell,nwe have to turn back now.nSo,nCatalina's that way.nSwim like a sumbitch.nAnd you're out therenswimmingnand here comesnthese two boobsnin their invisible boat.nYou want a ride?nI'm not that sick.nChristian,nyou're almost drowning.nYou're not any closer.nYou want a ride?nYeah,nlet me get in your boat.nGet in the boatnand rinse offnand send the rest.nI'm floating in midair.nThere's no boat here.nThese people are crazy.nWhat do you want me to do?nOh,ngrab an oar and row.nScrew you.nChristian,nyou're just about deadnand they pick you up againnand say,nyou want a ride?nYeah.nWhat do you want me to do?nRow.nGrab an oar and row.nOh,nyou crazy bastards.nAnd the odd thing is,nas you begin to row,nthe boat begins to appear.nBut it doesn't appearnuntil you begin to row.nSo you've got to benkind of desperate to row.nAnd you're rowing pretty soonnand the boat gets biggernthan the yacht.nYou don't even want to gonto Catalina.nStay on this baby.nThat's what sponsors are for.nThey come aroundnevery so often and say,nhey,nyou've got your oar upside down.nOh,nI could...nNow the differencenbetween good treatment centersnand bad is this.nBad treatment centersntake you out of sight of landnand say,nyou're in good shape.nYou now know enoughnto make it.nDo it.nAnd they leave you to die.nGood treatment centers say,nthis is as far as we can go.nWe have to turn back.nBut just swim for a while.nAnd when those two goofsncome along on their invisible boat,njump in.nAnd that's really what it's aboutnbecause that's all we do.nMost of AA is just getting togethernto read a book.nAnd that's all we do.nAnd that's all we do.nAnd that's all we do.nAnd that's all we do.nAnd that's all we do.nAnd we remind one anothernto keep rowing.nBecause the irony about it isnif you stop rowingnlong enough,nit disappears.nAnd you're back in the water.nIt's an odd, odd thing.nBut that's as straightforwardnas I know how to explain it.nYou row when there's nothing to rownand the boat appears.nYou stop rowingnand it disappears.nAnd Alcoholics Anonymousncontinues to work fornpeople like us.nIn the lastnthree or four years,nI've had the chance tontalk in exotic AA meetingsnlike in Christchurch.nChristchurchnand Auckland, New Zealandnand Tahitinand Hawaiinand Mexiconand Canadanand Londonnand Belfastnand Dublinnand Glasgownand Parisnand Berlin.nYou think,nboy, wouldn't it be exoticnto be in those places.nExcept for the accents,nyou might as wellnjust stay home, you know.nSit in a meeting in Berlin.nThink, well,nhere's something new.nHere's some boob behind you.nBut,nI don'tnthink younreally understand.nI'm afraidnmy teethnis different.nHello there.nLet's have coffeenover the meetingnand I'll tell younabout my case.nWhat's amazingnabout alcoholics,nhow similar they arenat such a low level,nat a deep level.nThat's whynthis simple stuffnappears simple,nworks for everybody.nThat's whynwhat's so sadnis that people,nbefore they work itnor they do not work it,nthey say,nI can tell by looking at itnand hearing about it,nit isn't enough.nI neednsomething else.nIn all the historynof mankind,nnothing has evernhelped.nThere are more peoplensober in this roomnthan there werenin the United Statesnin 1935nwith all the treatmentntherapies available.nAnd the biggest problemnyou and I have to donis come to believenthat this somethingnwhich is given to usnfor nothingnand is readily availablenand isn't very mysterious,nliterally can changenyour perceptionnof reality.nBecause that'snwhat A is about.nIt isn't to make you holy.nIt is not to make you wonderful.nIt's to very slowly do,nI think,nbut alcohol does fast.nIt's to take peoplenwho don't feel quite enoughnand make them feelnmost of the time enough.nIt takes peoplenwho feel afraidnmost of the timenand makes themnnot have to feel afraidnall the time.nUnafraidnmost of the time.nIt has to take peoplenwho feel extremely vulnerable,nmake them feelnmost of the timeninvulnerable.nThat's what it does.nIt doesn't make you wonderful.nNo matter how hardnyou work the program,nyou don't rise abovenhuman being.nHuman beings have emotionsnand conflicts and problems.nBut the difference isnthey are problemsnnot when they're untreatednthey become obsessions.nWe have to treat problems here.nThe last thing I want to saynis thatnbefore I sit downnis thatnwhen I was putnin the Texas Nuthousenas a suicidenI was trying to stay sobernwith my wifenthrough a pregnancynbecause I was in a hospital.nI was in a hospitalnbecause I was in a hospital.nI was in a hospital.nI felt so badnbecause one of our childrennhad diednand I was in jail.nI swore I was goingnto stay sobernand I couldn't stand itneven if shenwas in churchnwith the kidsnand I put the carnin the garagenand hooked up a hosenand committed suicide.nThe guy pulled me out deadnand they rushed mento the hospitalnand examined menand determinednI was a badly splitnpersonality,nschizophrenic,nparanoid schizophrenicnand committed menfor an indefinite periodnto the Texas StatenInsane Asylumnin Big Spring, Texas.nWell,nI thought that wouldninterrupt my careernso InI escaped.nThey brought me backnand gave me a lotnof electric shock treatments.nAfter that,nyou don't ever run muchnafter that.nYou justnYou remember my name?nI don't.nAm I Hart,nSchaffner,nand Marks?nAnd I realizednhow am I goingnto get out of here?nAnd I suddenly realizednthey had an alcoholic ward.nI'd been in and out of AAnfor seven or eight yearsnby that time.nSo I pretendednto be an alcoholic.nI knewnI wanted to find a waynto stop it.nI'd been drinkingnand finding a new lifenunder God.nI finally got transferrednto the alcoholic ward.nI remember the first daynI was there.nI'd been living in Texasnfor some time.nI hadn't been to AA therenbecause I was in the real world now.nAnd I know how they do it.nThey don't do it here in Georgianbut they do it in Texas.nThey do it in some partsnof Louisiana.nThey do it in some partsnof Alabama.nIt's just a terrible thing.nWhen you're coming offnshock treatments anywaynit's a terrible thing, you know.nI remember sitting in therenand I'd been to AA meetings.nNow,ntonight they saidnmy guy gets up herenand says,nmy name is Fred.nI'm an alcoholic.nHe says,nhi Fred.nBut in Texasnthey say things like,nmy name is Frednand I'm an alcoholic.nAnd through the grace of Godnand the powernof this simple programnit has not been necessarynfor me to drink any alcoholnor take any mind sedatingnor tranquilizing drugsnsince my sobriety date.nAnd for thisnI'm truly grateful.nThen they say,noh, Fred.nI guess that's all rightnbut when you're coming offnshock treatmentsnyou're,nI remember thinking to myselfnif I ever got in a chancenwhere I was in a positionnof power and authoritynI wouldn't give themnsome hideous chant like that.nI'd tell them the truth.nAnd since thennI've been in that positionnseveral timesnand I am tonight.nSo I'm going to tell younwhat it's really like.nI'll tell you what I have foundnin AAnnot with some old foolnin Texas chance.nI'll tell you what realitynfinds for you.nI've discovered,nI told you a little earliernI discovered I was an alcoholicnafter I was sober a while.nThat was nice.nSo I can say my name isnClancy Emersonnand I'm an alcoholic.nAnd here's what else I learned.nI discovered in AAnthat through the grace of Godnand the power of this simple programnit has not been necessarynfor me to drink any alcoholnor take any mind sedatingnor tranquilizing drugs.nSince October the 31st, 1958.nAnd for this I am truly grateful.nKeep rowing.nThank you.