Al-Anon’s Twelve Steps Saved the Marriage That AA Alone Could Not – Kim L.

And welcome to the Monday Night Blue Chip Speakers meeting at the NABBA Club, where a member of Alcoholics Anonymous with one year or more of sobriety will tell his or her story. This reading is based on a passage from page 29 of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. Each individual in our personal stories describes in their own language and from their own point of view the way that they establish their relationship with God. These give a fair cross-section of our membership and a clear-cut idea of what has happened in their lives. We hope no one will consider these self-revealing accounts and bad tapes. Our hope is that many alcoholic men and women in our room tonight and listening later on aabluchipspeakers.org, desperately in need, will hear our speaker. And we believe that it is only by fully disclosing ourselves and our problems that any of us shall be persuaded to say, Yes, I am one of them too. I must have this thing. I am privileged to get to introduce the speaker tonight, and so I like that it ends with that. You know, having... been approached by someone in whom the problem has been solved and someone who loves their life, who speaks truth and honesty in her life, I know that you guys are really going to enjoy her story. So with that, I give you Kim L. Hi, I'm Kim Ledzinski. I'm an alcoholic. Hi, everyone. Thank you, Tim, for asking me to speak tonight, to tell my story. It is not an exciting story. So if you're... I will not judge you if you are texting on your phones or... reading your Facebook post. The... I was actually hoping there wouldn't be very many people here tonight because of the rain, but then I was a big bar drinker, and I used to love to drink on nights like this because it would clear out sort of the people who weren't real committed. And, you know, the dance floors wouldn't be real heavy, and there wouldn't be lines for the bathrooms or for the bars. So I used to really like to drink on nights like tonight. But I'm not. I'm here at an AA meeting instead. So, and that's good. My home group is the Skyland Group. We meet Tuesdays and Friday nights over in Brookhaven. And we just celebrated our 60th group anniversary in February. So that's a long time for one group to stay together as a group. There have been several what I call Skyland spin-off groups. But we... We have been meeting in that church since 1970 and then being as a group since 1950. So, hey, it's Fred. How are you? So, anyway, you're welcome to come tomorrow night. We'll have a different speaker. And the... You know, they were asking about my entourage. Do I bring an entourage? And the thought hit me that, no, I do not. In fact, I did not tell anybody that I was speaking tonight because a couple of years ago, I was planning my... I was planning my kids' sixth birthday party. And I realized in an inventory one night that my worst fear is... still is to have a party and have nobody show up. So, still today is my worst fear. And so I didn't invite anybody because I didn't want anybody not to come because they'd all be too busy. So, but some people came anyway. But anyway, I grew up in Ohio. And I was a very shy, chunky, awkward child that was very addicted to approval and very concerned, overly sensitive to what people thought about me. And, you know, a lot of people that were like me and... and, like, elementary school seemed to blossom in, like, middle school and in high school. And I didn't... I didn't blossom until I had my first drink, really, when I was 16. And it was after the prom. And it was cheap champagne that, you know, that teenagers could get. And I had that first drink. And it was... it was what I needed. And I... and I felt in that first drink, like, to me, it looked like other people felt all the time. I felt like I was okay with myself and my surroundings. And I do... I... to this day, I do not know why alcohol did that for me until I came to Alcoholics Anonymous and I heard other people talk about that alcohol did that for them. And it was just... it was like I was... I had been cracked in... in several places. And alcohol just filled all the cracks. And I was... it was... it was whole. I couldn't have explained that at the time. At the time, I would have explained that it just made me feel really good and happy. And nothing else mattered. And prior to that, a lot of things mattered. Like, everything mattered. Everything mattered terribly. And with alcohol, it was like nothing mattered. So, I went from extreme to extreme with one seemingly innocent drink. I got drunk that night. And I... It's funny. Now, looking back on it, it just seems so obvious. You know, I got drunk that night and I had the courage to break up with my boyfriend that I had been wanting to break up with for, like, six months. But alcohol gave me the courage. I mean, that was real classy. Right? After the prom. Oh, by the way, I don't want to be your girlfriend anymore. And I... Just... It's like suddenly my priorities completely shifted. I became somebody who was always looking for the party. Started hanging out with different people for different reasons. And you know, and that became who I wanted to be. Somebody who could drink. Now, what's ironic about this is... We all drink. We all drink. And we had... I grew up in a house where drinking was normal. In fact, doing other things were normal, too. We always had a keg tapped in our basement. And my grandparents had a keg tapped in their basement. So it didn't matter what house you were in, there was always alcohol there. And I can remember being, like, eight years old, maybe nine years old, something like that. And I remember having to help my dad pick the seeds out of the pot so he could cook them in the oven. Right? So that they could, you know, smoke it in the bongs later, which were prevalent in our house. And... But I had no interest in any of that when I was growing up. I was very into reading and into the fantasy world and very obsessive, I can remember. I would get books out of the library and I'd read the same books over and over and over again. And there were always biographies of other people. And I remember... I remember reading a lot of books. Because I just didn't want to live my life. I didn't want to be in the life I had. So when I started drinking, it was like, dang, I could have been drinking all along. Right? Nobody would have known. I mean, how... I mean, it's a keg. Right? So I didn't drink a lot at home. But I did... I liked parties. And... Because I... It was the only place I could talk to people was when I was drinking. So I went to a lot of parties. And... And they were high school. And it was... What was popular at that time were wine coolers in these two-liter bottles. And... I... We didn't even need cups. It was like passing the two-liter bottle around in the car, right, in a small town in Ohio. And it was just a lot of fun. It was fun. And it was, you know, throwing up outside, you know, out of the car window. And it was, you know, peeing our pants because we were laughing so hard. And it was just... pants because they were laughing so hard. It was just a good time. It was fun. Sneaking out of the house and, you know, and I got caught a couple of times sneaking back in the house, which I think my parents were actually relieved when I started drinking because I was kind of more like them, but it was, you can get into a lot of trouble. I went to school in Southeast Ohio. In Ohio, I don't have to explain it, but in Georgia, I went to Ohio University, which was a big party school. In fact, the place to your party was called Bong Hill. I mean, it was the name of the hill outside the school, and it was, I went there, and the first, I don't know, two months, I was miserable. I was completely miserable. I didn't drink, and I just felt awkward and insecure, and I didn't really know. I didn't know anybody, and I had two roommates, and it was just, it was so, so painful, and I went to class every day, and then one night, it was a Wednesday night, we went out. My roommates talked me into going out to, I think it was Quarter Bear Night at this place called The Hanger, and I got drunk, and I got really drunk, and they had to help me home, and I ended up sleeping. I was in the closet of our room because I was too drunk, and they couldn't get me out, and they just left me, and that was me after not drinking for two months. I was so drunk. I mean, it was Quarter Bear Night, so you can drink a lot without a lot of money, but still, I mean, it was just drunk, drunk, and I was just off. I was like a completely different person, and again, it was a lot of just drinking in bars and college drinking, and my drinking to me looked like anything. I was just like, I'm going to go to college. I'm going to go to college. Just like everybody else is drinking, and a lot of Thursday nights, Friday nights, Saturday nights, and then I gained like 15 pounds the first three months, and it was all because of drinking, and what went along with it, and when you're in college, at least the college that I went to, a lot of people drink like that. So, the next. The next year in school, I started, I went to, I worked at the university. I worked in the dorms as one of the, the RAs, they call them, and my personal experience to share with these freshman women coming in were, you go to this bar on this night, and this bar on this night, and you're going to get yourself a fake ID, and if you need one, you can borrow one of mine, because I have six, and I did. I had six fake IDs, and I had six fake IDs, and if my best one didn't work, I would, I didn't care. I'd go to the next bar and show them the next one, and they always worked somewhere, and six fake IDs, and I had to drink, but I, I don't know that I consciously did this, but I had different people that I started drinking with. There were, there were people that would drink on Tuesday nights. There were people who would drink on normal nights, like Thursday and Friday and Saturday, and then there were people that would drink on Sunday, and if I didn't drink with all of them at the same time, then nobody really knew how much I was drinking, and it didn't seem like a big deal to me. It was, you know, it was just fine. I had developed this idea that drinking was a skill that I had. It was like a talent. Like, my brother was always very talented at art, natural talented, and I just thought I was talented at drinking, and that was my, you know, skill, and so I had developed this idea, and I mean, if you can call drinking two and a half beers in a bong all at one time before you puke a skill, then maybe I did have a skill, but it wasn't really good for much more than, you know, a spring break at, you know, Fort Lauderdale. So I, so I was working at this school, and I was still drinking a lot, and what started to happen was I started to have a little bit more consequences, so it was not uncommon for me to wake up the next morning and be sick, have wet the bed, which is really awkward when you have roommates, but not so much when you live by yourself, and I could piece together the night before from the stamps on my hands from the bars I'd went to, or they'd be my face because I'd passed out on my hand, and not remember much, just the blackouts, and then I would wake up, and I would be not in my room, but somebody else's room, but on the campus. One morning, I woke up in the study hall, the study lounge. I was in the lounge of the dorm where I was employed, without any pants on, and it was like, okay, and they're like, look at me, let me see me, and they leave the lights on, you can't turn the lights off in the study hall, so I, you know, stuff like that was starting to happen. I'd wake up, and I wouldn't know where I was, and one time I woke up off campus at somebody's house, no idea who I was with, where I was, and you know, I had to find, you know, walk. I'd walk out, I mean, literally walk out of the house, and try to look at the street signs, and figure out, you know, where was I? I didn't know if I was still close to campus, or I'd gotten in a car, I had no idea, and to be honest, that didn't really bother me. What bothered me was, what lie was I going to tell this time, when I got back, and people were asking where I was, so the consequences of the drinking wasn't even a problem. It was. I was trying to fabricate what story went along with it, so I wouldn't look bad, not really putting any correlation together with the alcohol. So the next year, I'd had a really bad summer, and I had stopped, I didn't stop drinking, but what I did is, I counted the days that I went without a drink, no idea why. I guess intuitively, I maybe knew that was the problem, but I just counted the days I didn't have a drink, and I went, I went 30 days, and then I got totally, totally wasted. I mean, like, really, really bad wasted, like, like, the next day, my friends were telling me, you know, there was, like, a fight in the bar, but we couldn't go to the bar, and you were passed out in the corner, and we couldn't get you out, and the police came, and we were worried, and we thought we would just leave you there. I didn't even remember any of it, not any of it, and that was me, 30 days without a drink. So the next year, I went back to school, and, and I had, I had a different, I had the same job, but a different employer, a different boss, just put it that way, so anyway, she had the nerve to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, remind me that I was an underage drinker, and that if she caught me drinking, she was going to have to do something about it, because that was her job, right? And I caught a huge resentment, and I'm very extreme, so this resentment wasn't just, I don't like you, my resentment was, I've got to get rid of you, and, I mean, I wasn't going to, like, poison her or anything, but I, not. you then, but the, so, so I started, like, documenting all the bad things that she was doing, and I was, I was preparing a, some sort of, I don't know, proposal that, you know, she was incompetent for her position, and I was, I mean, I was really going to get word of this woman. I made her life hell. I, I gathered people around us, you know, students and my peers, and we, you know, would just gossip about her behind her back, and I would, I would, I would set her up for failure. I mean, it was just terrible. I was a horrible person to this woman, all because she was getting in the way of me and drinking. I wouldn't have been able to tell you that at the time. At the time, I had completely, completely convinced myself that I was doing the student body a favor by, because I was the only person who had the guts to do something about this problem, and that shows you how delusional I am when I am in the, the, you know, full-blown alcoholism. I'm not even doing this drunk. I'm doing this sober, and I've completely created this fantasy world that was based on... Lies I would tell myself. I don't know if, you know, in our literature, it talks about being full flight from reality, and no, it was me. I mean, I totally made up this world, and anyway, what, and I became a, more of a binge drinker at this time, because I was so obsessed with getting rid of her, and I would stay sober about seven or eight days, and then I would drink, and I'd be drunk three, four days in a row, and, and I mean, I, nights in a row, and I'd get up, and I'd go to class. And, and I wasn't eating. I had, I had made a decision that I wasn't going to be on the meal plan, so I was living off of candy corn and diet Sprite, and like three meals a day, candy corn, diet Sprite. It was October, so it was a lot of candy corn available, and I, I'm going to tell you, I can't, cannot stomach the stuff today, but I ate a lot of it then, and the candy corn, diet Sprite, and alcohol. I was taking, you know, really hard classes, and I was just, I was going downhill, because of all the decisions that I had made, downhill, and we had a, so I, I met with the, like the big boss, the director, and, you know, and he was really trying to help me out. He, he listened to my story, and he's like, well, you know, what we could do is we can offer you a transfer to another building. Um, and most of you sitting there are probably saying, that's probably a good idea, right? Take the transfer. Um, like yelling at me from the outside, take the transfer. Well, I took it as a, um, I was offended by that, and I was like, no, I don't need a transfer. I just think I need to quit. And, you know, anybody, if I had talked to anybody about what's going on, they'd be like, just take the transfer, you'll be fine. But no, I, you know, I had to. I had to be all, um, self-righteous about it, and I quit. But I didn't just quit. I drank, and then I quit. Um, in front of everybody, in a employee staff meeting, and I had written this long, you know, drunken, I feel sorry for you people letter, and made the speech. And then quit. Um, and, uh, so, um, anyway. The, and then I went out to get really drunk, and it was, um, and then my plan was, I'm going to drink until I can't drink anymore, and then I'm going to go home, and I'm going to kill myself. And then all you people will really be sorry for. How you have treated me. The, so I went home, or, you know, I went out to this bar with my, a friend of mine, and, and between the two of us, we drank five pitchers, and I remember this very, very clearly. And I'm, I'm sure I drank most of it, because she just, she just couldn't hold it that well. And, and I can remember, I mean, I was sober. I mean, I was just looking around, and I was sober. I could not get drunk. I could not drink enough to get drunk. And that, to me. Is a really miserable place. Where alcohol just didn't even, didn't take the pain away anymore. Because that's what alcohol did for me. I was a walking ball of pain, and alcohol took it away. And when I'm not drinking, I'm a walking, raging ball of pain. So I did go home and try to kill myself, though. And I had been hoarding all these pills, and I took all these pills, and, um, very, very, very grandiose thinking, and, and I, you know, obviously I didn't, I didn't die, and, and I, and I woke up, and I was thrown up, and, and I threw up for about six hours, as I recall. And I, and I wasn't getting any better, and I was like, oh, this might be bad. I took a lot of pills. And so when I started throwing up blood And I wasn't sure if it was from my throat or from my stomach I finally called somebody and they took me to the hospital And they treated me And they didn't have to pump my stomach Because I've done that And so I kind of detoxed in the hospital And that was Thanksgiving Of 1988 And I have not had a drink since then So what happened after that was The counselor people at the hospital And the school insisted that I go to treatment center Or I was not allowed to come back to school Now at the time I was offended And I was not allowed to come back to school And I was not allowed to come back to school But I can kind of see now why they might say that Because they just don't like you to just try to commit yourself Commit suicide in one of their buildings When you're on staff And so I can see that So I went to this treatment center But I was convinced that what they had said to me was You need to go to this treatment center for your parents' alcoholism And I was like yes, yes I do I really do I've been damaged And if you give me about 15 minutes I will tell you the story And I went to this treatment center And it's funny now At the time it wasn't But we went to the You know, whatever they do Like sit around in a circle and talk And they go around the room And they're like My name's, you know You know, Chris And I'm an alcoholic And my name's Max And I'm Randy I'm an alcoholic And they get to me I'm Kim My parents are in the hospital I'm an alcoholic And they just like look at me like Oh And it was really awkward And so I was there for my parents' alcoholism Which meant I really was listening for them And not really for me But, you know, treatment was fine It was fun We played a lot of cards And went to some meetings And the meetings were fine I didn't really know what was going on I didn't really relate to any of the meetings I didn't really even listen to any of the meetings The first meeting I went to Was in the hospital And I was in my pajamas Because you weren't allowed to wear your clothes For the first couple of days And the guy was talking about His motorcycle And I swear to God I thought I don't have a motorcycle So I'm an alcoholic And I mean, it's like That's the way I thought It was just like totally random reason To not be an alcoholic And I was like But true, it was fun And I, you know, like the counselor and everything And so when I got out of treatment It was December It was right before Christmas 1988 I was 20 years old And I went home to live with my parents For the break And I thought maybe I didn't think I was an alcoholic Just not an alcoholic But I thought maybe It's a good idea for me To not drink Because the things I've learned In the treatment center About, you know, how unhealthy it is And all that stuff You know, they best shouldn't drink So I don't know about you But I think that's probably an alcoholic now But at the time It's like I'm not really an alcoholic But I'll say that I'm an alcoholic Because it makes the people in the meetings Still more comfortable And so But the problem was I couldn't sleep I could not sleep My head would not shut off Until about 5 o'clock in the morning And then I'd like fall asleep And then I just didn't want to get up But I could not sleep And thank God There were midnight meetings In the small town where I was in And I went to midnight meetings Three days a week Because I just couldn't sleep And I stayed sober And I went back to school And I, they gave me a transfer Anyway And I was like, I'm not going to sleep I'm not going to sleep I'm not going to sleep I'm not going to sleep And I stayed sober And I started going to meetings Still was not really an alcoholic But the people were really nice And they were happy to see me And made me feel very welcome And I thought, well, you know Maybe, maybe not Maybe, maybe not Every once in a while I'd hear something That would sort of break through That barrier that I held up in my mind Against being an alcoholic And one of them was this woman Who's told her story And she talked about being obsessed With reading as a child As a way to Escape And I was like, ooh I did that And it opened up a little bit And then, you know Somebody else would say something And I'd be like, oh I did that too I had blackouts But I didn't always have a blackout So So I stayed sober For, like that For about Six, seven months And I gotta tell you It's a really hard way It was for me to stay sober Because I was Crazy Like, my head I couldn't remember anything And I was constantly Locking my keys in the car And it was just I mean, I just I couldn't keep it together I was barely holding things together And I remember one night I was at a meeting At, um, in Columbus I was in Columbus for the For the summer And I walked in And I was miserable I was just miserable And I thought, you know what? If this is all there is To staying sober I don't want it I don't want this I mean, who would want this? And I thought, you know All this time at Alcoholics Anonymous Maybe there's something else wrong with me Because Alcoholics Anonymous Must not work for me Because I hear these people talking And I don't have that And so that's sort of A hopeless place to be You know, I knew I couldn't drink And But I couldn't stay sober Because this was miserable AA is not working Because I've been going to some meetings But I'm not even better Um, and then, uh So I decided I was like, well, let's screw this I'm going to go drink then Or I'm going to No, I'm going to drink I'm going to go kill myself again That's what it was Again Try to kill myself again Um, and so I was walking out I did not hear anything Anybody said in the meeting Totally fixated on what was going on in my head And I was walking out of the room So I know There's not nearly as many people listening to me As it looks like tonight Because I wasn't I mean, I didn't listen Um, but what happened was me When the hopelessness settled in And I became desperate Um, the teacher appeared And he stood between the newcomer and the door Like I've been taught to do And, um, he started talking to me And I don't know I guess I was just hopeless Um, and I listened to what he had to say And I didn't have to say much He was just laughing at himself And hey kiddo What meetings are you going to And we go here on this night We go here on this night And without any effort on my part I was sucked into a group of people Who were happy and not drinking In Alcoholics Anonymous And they were willing to show me How they did it And, um, and that's That's what happened to me The, I believe that that night In that meeting That I That was when I hit bottom And really took step one That I had surrendered to the bottle In November It was a good idea for me to not drink I had just surrendered to alcoholism In June of 1989 And that, for me For me For me For me That was two different surrenders Surrendering to the bottle And surrendering to my alcoholism Because it was only in surrendering to alcoholism That I became willing to take the action That AA suggests And I became very willing And I started going to a lot of meetings Um, with these people And they were making coffee And they were going out to dinner After the meeting Um, and they were They were doing cardio They were doing all kinds of stuff Um, and I I just wanted to be around them Because they were happy And they were laughing And they were cutting up with each other And they were having a good time And I started to work the steps The, um, steps were Very, um, instrumental For me And, uh, obviously The So the third step I took on my 21st birthday Because That, not, like, intentionally I didn't intentionally I didn't intentionally do A hell of a lot When I was new Um, but on my 21st birthday I had this thought That, hey, it's 21 It's the birthday It's the birthday I've been looking forward to For five years And it was like Some back and forth Back and forth, back and forth Do I, do I drink? And I just go back into AA Do I not drink? And just, you know, suck it up And, um, and I just So I battled for a while with this And I was like, ah, screw it So I got up I got dressed I was heading out the door And I remembered what What John had told me John, I call him my first sponsor The guy that met me that night That when you want to drink You get on your knees And I was like, hmm So, it's like, well, I want to drink So I got on my knees And I, um, I didn't say the third step prayer But what I did say was Something to the effect of I want to drink I think I need help And, you know, and it was And it was removed It was like, no, I'm not going to drink And I took my clothes back off And went to bed And got up the next morning Everything was fine Um, and for me that was this That making that connection With this higher power You know, taking that step to say There is something There is a power out there And I'm willing to trust it enough To get on my knees Um, and then I did step four Which was very good for me In fact, it wasn't until I saw step four Written on paper That I saw that What my alcoholism really looked like Um, how selfish I had been How self-centered How, what a victim I had been Everything that happened in the world That was in my world Happened to me You know, it didn't matter If you were standing next to me It always also happened to you It was happening to me And anything that happened to you I'd be like, well, how does this affect me? Um, and I was just I was the center of my universe Like all the time And, and I had this idea that You know, a good day is when I get what I want And a bad day is when I don't get what I want That still makes me the center, right? Um, and even if I'm feeling bad about myself And feeling sorry for myself I'm still the center of what I'm thinking about Um, and it wasn't until I did the fourth step That I really saw that And, and just the people I had treated And, and it was, it was really Particularly how dishonest I had been With people Um, I remember That I, I would have told you And I would, I believed Every word of it That nobody really loved me That my parents didn't really care That they were, you know Alcoholism or whatever And, and nobody really cared about me When I did my fourth step Was when I realized that When I tried to commit suicide that night My mom and my grandmother Drove 75 miles one way To come see me in the hospital that night And I would have told you that nobody loved me And that was because I was so concerned In alcoholism And in my world That I couldn't feel anybody's love Right? Um, so Um, I did step four and five And six and seven Blah, blah, blah Um, and I, I've made Um, a lot of amends Uh, I've still Make a lot of amends I have so much experience with step nine Um It's, it's really Disconcerting if you're new But I have a lot of experience with that The, so a couple of amends That were really instrumental For me was, uh One was to my, um Mother's second husband And he was the How do I say this? How do I say it? He was the neighborhood pedophile So, and he lived in our house And so you can imagine And I hated him Hated, hated Hated was not strong enough For I hated him Just to fantasize about him Just like dying in front of me So I could just be mean to him When he was dying Um, hated him And I was at a And he was not on my four-step list Believe me Um, but One night I was at a meeting See, what happens You can probably see this pattern Like, I hear things when I'm at meetings Um, so if you're here Maybe you'll hear something But if you're not here You're not going to hear it Um, the, so then this meeting And this woman was talking about Making amends to her ex-husband And her ex-husband was really Mean, mean, mean, nasty man And she talked about that When she made the amends It was like she had been a Like a puppet, like a marionette And she had these strings attached To this man And she just couldn't get free from him Until she made the amends And it was like the strings were cut And she was a free person And I was like, oh Um, and You know, she wasn't talking to me You know, she was just sharing experience And I was like, oh, crap I don't want to make amends to him Because I felt like What was happening was She was really trying to tell me That I needed to make amends To this pedophile, right? So, anyway Um, so I went I went home that night And I was like, oh, crap And, um, I went I went home that weekend And I went to see him And, uh, at his place where he worked And, of course, he was a little, you know Shocked to see me But I just walk in Can I talk to you for a second? And so I made amends to this person Who's a very sick man, abuser And I just told him I said, you know I know it wasn't easy to live with Um, and I'm making amends So that I can stay sober And, um, I'm making amends to this person And, um, I'm making amends to this person And, um, I'm making amends to this person And it's important for me And I, you know, I wish you well And that was What happened to me was This man that I had hated And he had always looked like this monster The reality was He was a very, very Thick and weak soul And he transformed Right before my eyes And I felt like I had been carrying this weight Of water around with me And I had been like a sick man A sponge carrying this weight And it was like somebody squeezed the sponge And all the water just fell out And I walked out of there Free from that resentment And I'll tell you That in my case I have all the memories Of that But I have none of the pain Associated with those memories And I don't know how you get that From Alcoholics Anonymous But I'll take it Um, because it was Amazing And I still get goosebumps When I think about it today Um, I know I mean, it was a hard amends to make But, um, it was so worth it So, um, today Uh, fast forward I've done all kinds of stuff In Alcoholics Anonymous Um, I've been sober a long time Had lots of experience I've been married I've been divorced I've been remarried I've done all kinds of service work I've done jail work I've done hotline work I've done conferences You want to know what I've done? You want to really work the steps? Get involved in the service structure Of Alcoholics Anonymous Or a conference committee That's where you can really fine tune Those resentments And those character defects And then have God remove them And feel a lot better Um, so if you really want To hone your spiritual program Get involved in service Um, I do a 10 step I do a 10 step Tonight I'll do one tonight I do a 10 step at night And I, um, I write it out And it's been It's, it's been so important to me To be able to do that And to see the patterns of, um My defects of character Which are really just my fears And my ideas of the way I think things should be And they really aren't Um, they come out in that 10 step Um, and I have a relationship With, um, God As I understand God Um, and I have a relationship With God And, um, He has provided me With a perfect world to live in I just have to remember That it's perfect Um, and I can tell you That I've had a spiritual awakening Today I am, I am not a person That I would have recognized Um, you know, when I was that Person before drinking Or during drinking I have truly had a, um A spiritual awakening I have, um, I get to do A lot of great work with, um With, with people With, with sponsees I have these kids that I get to do things like Walk my daughter around And say, is this a table Or a trash can And have her say, it's a table Right No trash on the table And then go to the next table Is this a table or a trash can And that's, that's the fun stuff I get to do with them Um, and They bring out the best And the worst for me And I'm, I'm married to an alcoholic Who is sober now Um, and as a result of our marriage And him not being sober When we first got married I think I, I wanted him to be sober And so it was good enough for me Um, and he said he was kind of sober But, uh, I, um Turns out he wasn't really sober At all But I wanted it I'm, I'm pretty sure It's the truth That you can be 15 years sober And believe what you want to believe Um, and not believe reality But believe what you want to believe But as a result of that I, um, I A lot of, a lot of pain Walked into the program of Al-Anon And um, and worked the B12 steps Through the Al-Anon literature And um, has since been sort of I guess Um, my niche I tend to sponsor people Who need to work the Al-Anon steps So that's been a lot of fun And so Phillip I'd neglect to mention his name Um, and he is sober now He's been sober almost 10 years So, um, it's a good life And I am still willing to go to any length To stay sober I don't want to drink again And I'm just fortunate that Um, working with others And working with newcomers in particular Helps me do that I have had really bad days I had a, I had a really seemingly bad day Of course the bad day is when I When I don't When things don't go my way And a good day is when things go my way So you can judge for yourself But um, so I had this really bad day at work And it was because I had done something wrong And um, I was humiliated by the error that I had made Nobody even said anything to me about it But I just felt so badly about it And I went to my home group that night Because it was Friday night And I just, I was consumed with this humiliation And like, oh God, I can't believe I did that And um, and at the meeting I met a woman And she was, she was brand new And her hands were shaking She asked me to sign her paper And she was shaking And I started talking to her And we started talking about, you know, sobriety And her life And I just had this feeling come over me And it, it was like When I had that first drink So, I'm just fortunate that work And I couldn't sleep that night I was so excited I was so on fire for, you know, I'm calling I love AA, I love God, I love sobriety Blah, blah, blah, blah And I, but I am so lucky that that That Alcoholics Anonymous and Working With Others Does that for me Because I know where the solution is And I have heard, I have heard a speaker say once That what alcoholics do is to work with others And I have heard a speaker say once that Alcoholics Anonymous can do for us We do this work It can help us feel normal Like a drink made us feel normal Only it takes a lot longer Right? But the consequences are so much better Than the consequences of drinking So, anyway, if you are new to AA I just, I just hope you keep coming I kept coming And it was so worth it And I know it can be worth it for you too So, that's all I have Thank you Thank you, Kim, very much for being here I need some time to breathe Not that I don't want to see And forget my world