After Twenty-One Years I Still Wake Up Feeling Normal — By Seven My Sponsees Remind Me I’m Not – Wayne B.

She likes me. Incoming! William Butler, I'm an alcoholic. I want to thank the committee, Nikki and Lori, and all those associated with the committee for inviting me to come and spend this weekend with you folks. I've had a grand time, and it's not going to stop tonight. I'm going to enjoy the entire weekend. I've been spoiled. I just can't understand it. But don't stop. I had a food basket in my room. I had flowers given to me by the hotel. It's just been a grand time. I've been taken out to eat, and I've been well taken care of. Eric, the newcomer over here, he brought me a box of Imodium D to take care of the coffee I had. It isn't working just yet. But I've had a grand time. I am really distracted right now by these lights that are just shining right in the side of my face. Not your problem, but I'll get over it as soon as I quit pouting about it. Steve gave a good talk last night. Carol, my surrogate mother. My mom and dad's both passed on, and I'm an orphan. Thank you. And Carol's become special in my life, as has my sponsor's wife, Charlotte. Alcoholics Anonymous is the best deal in town. If you're new, I want to welcome you to Alcoholics Anonymous. I know we've got two newcomers over here standing guard on the passersby. I think one has 15 days, and the other has 14 days. And I got the ride down. I got the ride down here with him, and it was just a pleasure to see the neuroses. We didn't even need to stop and get gassed. Just Eric talked, and we flew. And I met my alter ego, Sean. Oh, my God. And tomorrow morning, I hope you don't bail out on a Sunday morning speaker, because you're going to miss not only a real treat, but a fine example of Alcoholics Anonymous. I know because she's in my home group, and I know she walks like she talks because I watch. And I hope you watch. If you're new in this room, and the things I share tonight, feel free to check it out in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous and in your own experience. And if you don't identify with me, make sure you go to another meeting and listen to another speaker. And please don't judge AA by my presentation tonight because it's only my experience. And if you don't identify with it, I'd hate to see you leave AA just because you think it doesn't work for you through me. Make sure you make another meeting. Make a lot of meetings. This is probably a... I've been sober almost 22 years. My sobriety date is November 8, 1977. I'd had a drink, pill, powder, or a potion or lotion from the neck up since that day. I'm 49 years old. I'll be 50 next month. AA did good. Welcome to Alcoholics Anonymous. If you're new in this gathering tonight, I want you to know that the most important message I probably have to share is that I love AA. It's going to take me a while to say it, but it's the most important thing I've got to say. I love AA. And if you're new in this room and you don't understand what that means, you will. I know many of you are here for your first week, and I've had the pleasure of talking to a number of men and women alcoholics that this is their first roundup. I truly hope it's not your last. I'm going to tell you about my first roundup in a little bit, but I've got to become an alcoholic first. It's kind of hard to get all thrilled about a roundup if you ain't an alcoholic or got some other kind of ism affliction. Did I mention I love AA? The reason I make that such a big deal is at the age of 18, I was diagnosed by a panel of seven psychiatrists and the irreversible psychopath. They told me I exhibited no form of conscience, remorse, guilt, or shame. They said I did not have a capacity to extend nor feel love, and that I never would. That was right after I tried to kill my entire life. I had an entire family and an influence of a bottle of tequila, and so I don't drink tequila no more. And they told me I would never feel that emotion. I hope you hear that, because later on in my story, you're going to know that something betrayed that belief. Something happened to me in Alcoholics Anonymous. The power of Alcoholics Anonymous, the power that's contained in the rooms and gatherings like this with people like you all around the world. And I think it's important to mention that we're fast approaching our 65th anniversary of Alcoholics Anonymous. Do you realize there's over 5,000 years of alcoholics in the world? Do you realize there's over 5,000 years of alcoholics in the world? Do you realize there's over 5,000 years of alcoholics in the world? There's a recorded history where they had absolutely no solution for those of you who suffer from the spiritual disease of alcoholism. And so I'm going to do my very best, and I tell you I love AA. It means I honor the traditions to the best of my ability. Which means when I say I love AA, it means I'm going to show up. When I say I'm going to show up, I'm going to do what I say I'm going to do, not because of the threat of my sponsor, but because I respect and love Alcoholics Anonymous. That's why. And so when I'm asked to do something like this, I dress up. I dress up because my first sponsor taught me that. He says, we don't want to, see how really sick you are. Put a suit on, pal. Newcomer ain't going to hear a word you're saying, but they'll see how you look. Give it a chance. And then I tried to challenge them. I went around everywhere I could go and looked for Bill and Bob's picture in something other than a suit when they were speaking in Alcoholics Anonymous. I have not been able to find it. My first sponsor told me when I can find a picture of Bill talking in a t-shirt, so can I. Hasn't happened yet. And I know I look good tonight. Thank you. It was a lie, but that made me feel good. I love AA. It helps to drink to be an alcoholic. Did you know that? Some people don't know that. I drink. I love to drink. I love Budweiser. Some people say that if all you drank was beer, you can't be an alcoholic. Oops. I drank Budweiser. I'm going to tell you how much I love Budweiser. When I see the Clydesdales in a parade, I weep. I understand Louie the Lizard. I get that weasel, too. Now, I'm going to tell you how much I miss Budweiser. I was at a convention in St. Louis a few months back, and as we were flying over St. Louis, I swear I could see Anheuser-Busch below, and I asked the pilot to slow down so we could have a moment of silence. I love Budweiser. And I also like fine wine. Like Ripple, Boone's Farm, Strawberry Hill. Now, I don't know about you, but do you know why I like Boone's Farm, Strawberry Hill? Because when I'm, when I puke, it looks like I'm bleeding internally. People feel sorry for me, buy me a drink. Now, add on a little Mad Dog 2020 grape. Yeah. Now, I'll tell you what. That won't do what Budweiser will do. That won't do what Budweiser will do, but it'll give you a condition that's terminal. You ever hear of that condition? It's called ATD. Alcoholic Terminal Diarrhea. I swear to God, I had diarrhea for six years. When you've had diarrhea that long, you've got to have good decision-making skills. And you've got to develop split-second timing. And I'm a puker, too. And I've got false teeth because I stood up a lot when I should have shut up a lot. Now, I'm going to tell you something. I'm so good at puking, I could hit this front row right here and not even touch my shoe tonight. And if my denture falls out, Mickey, just catch it and give it back. It'll be all right. I remember I'd be at home, you know, my wife would never come into the bathroom with me. That was my throne of contempt. Whenever I'd come home, my wife would not follow me into the bathroom because she just never knew what might take place in there. One night, I came home drunk and I went into the bathroom and I was in there ralphing for everything I was worth and all of a sudden, my denture blew right out into the stool. I do know pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. Because, see, I knew in a split second of time that if those teeth went down that hole, they were gone for good and I can't afford another pair, so it's a race between me and the hole at the bottom. So I catch them just before they go down the shooter and I think, well, what the hell, I rinse them off, I put them right back in. I sure miss drinking. I never intended for that to happen to me. That's not how I started drinking. That's how I ended up. I couldn't believe it. I could not believe where I'd ended up drinking. I did not know what was going to happen to me. I had no idea what was wrong with me. I've sat in meetings like this asking myself what in God's name is wrong with me. I've been sitting in meetings with sober alcoholics wondering what is wrong with me. I wish I was like you. I wish I had your problems. I wish I was an alcoholic. Not knowing what's wrong. See, just because I sit in a place like this does not indicate that I have alcoholism. Just because I sit in this place does not even indicate that I'm an alcoholic. It just means I'm a massive unrealized potential. But something's real wrong with me and I don't know what it is. I suppose I could blame my family if I looked far enough but I don't want to do that because as long as I blame my family I never get to recover because I never get done looking at them to look at myself. Now I'm going to tell you about my family a little bit but not a lot. I'm not going to come up here and tell you bad things about what my dad did to me, my mom did to me, my brother did to me, my sister did to me, my uncle did to me and I'm going to tell you why. They might want to come to AA and recover too someday and I don't want them to be judged by you and I before they get here. They should have the same opportunity to stumble and fumble and bumble their way into AA and say hi, I'm Larry, I'm an alcoholic and you have no prior information about them whatsoever. It should be a free right for them to get in here. I will tell you this about my family. Watch Jerry Springer for about a week. It's like a Butler family reunion. My dad was an alcoholic. My mother was... God, I just love my mother. My mother was a professional wrestler. Now, you're going to hear Sharon talk in the morning. She's from my area. She understands. My mother was about five foot nothing. She weighed about 200 pounds with no fat. She had four arms twice the size of mine. She had a flying eagle tattooed on each one. She had other tattoos but I'm not at liberty to disclose them. My mom was cool. She loved to beat up men. She loved to thump on... I used to think my dad abused my mother but I now know it was him screaming. She wasn't even an alcoholic. She was just trying to practice her al-anonism untreated. My dad died from untreated alcoholism. My mother died from untreated al-anonism. My brother is sober 18 years in alcoholism and al-anonism goes one year one meeting a year whether he needs it or not. And I'm the only one in alcoholism and al-anonism in my entire family that's involved in the capacity of alcoholism and al-anonism that I'm involved in. I don't know that I'm the sanest one in my family but I'll do it until they change it. I love AA because it's my family. AA has given me an opportunity to come out of the despair that I was in the hopelessness and the futility of life as I knew it that I had come to uncover and discover in my life as a way of life. All because drinking did something for me that it wasn't supposed to do. In the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous Dr. Silkworth gives a description of a person like me and if you're an alcoholic of my type I presume like you. He talks about people like me abnormal drinkers drink essentially because I like the effect produced by alcohol and that the phenomenon of craving engages in this allows me to stop when I want to or when a good enough reason calls for it I can't stop. That all sounds good but I didn't really understand what that meant and then I was predisposed to a condition known as alcoholism. Now I need to share this with you. I have a thing called alcoholism. That ism is a fascinating thing because it's what allows me to be in here with you tonight because when I have the ism and I combine alcohol something magnificent takes place in my mind that it's not supposed to. In the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous there's a description of the ism. The ism. It goes like this. Internal spiritual maladjustment. You see I have a spiritual disease. It's not limited to just a disease. What I have is a spiritual disease. And I have to know it's a spiritual disease otherwise why would I render myself subject to a resolution called the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous because they're spiritual in nature. Why would I submit myself to the power of a sponsor and a home group and a service that we would all commit ourselves to if I don't believe it's spiritual in nature. And in the big book it says I have an internal spiritual maladjustment. Now I'm going to help you out because I know you don't believe me. Check it out. On page 53 it says God is everything or he's nothing. God either is or he isn't. What's my decision to be? And then on page 55 it says deep down inside every man, woman, and child is a fundamental idea of God. Now if you're new and you don't like the idea of God I'm going to ball you three of mine. Take whichever one you like or take them all. G-O-D Group of Drunks. See when I'm with you I'm not with me. You hear me? Because when I'm not with you I'm left with me. And I'm not alone. There should be a neighborhood water sign right there. Not to keep anything from getting in. But in case anything might leak out. Then there's another one in the big book. It says what we have here is a design for living. My sponsor said it's a good orderly design. G-O-D. And then the other one is G-O-D. Good Orderly Direction. In the 12 and 12 it says until I am ready to accept advice and take direction from someone skilled in this experience I am left with sobriety that remains precarious. And so I have subjected myself to the ability to take direction from someone in my life who knows more about me than I do through his own personal experience. That's called my sponsor. So deep down inside every man woman child is a fundamental idea of God. Then on page Roman numeral 24 we get the hook. It says quote I am now adjusted to life in full flight from reality and outright mental defective. Therein lies my hope for the future. Now you might wonder how this maladjustment affects myself as a child of God. According to Dr. Silkworth and I might add collectively Father Ed Dolling Reverend Sam Shoemaker and Dr. Harry Thiebaud we have a collection of symptoms that causes me to have the ism that precipitates me from becoming an alcoholic and I think it's important for me to show you that I know that because it allows me to sit in these rooms after 21 years and 11 months. When I tell you I'm an alcoholic according to these fine men here's what I'm really suggesting. I realize I look to you right now like I'm a full grown adult mature man. In reality I remain childish grandiose and gravely emotionally immature. As a grown human concerned my natural state is one of growing anxiety depression and fear coupled with an intense desire for excitement. A condition of being which renders me obsessive compulsive obsessive controlling demanding need for attention acceptance and unqualified approval. A condition of being which renders me restless irritable and discontent with life. Now you might wonder how that discontentment shows up in my spiritual nature mentally and emotionally. Mentally my thought life is governed by a hundred forms of fear self delusion self seeking and self pity. All of which drive me to live my life according to selfish dishonest self seeking and concerned resentful frightened motives in life. Motives which left unattended in me aroused and engaged dangerous and life threatening and I said life threatening levels of lust. Trying not to make eye contact right there. Pride. Anger. Indigreed sloth gluttony I turned into a pig I want it all. That renders me emotionally a bit sensitive which means I have a strong tendency toward taking everything I see or hear personal. Strange as it seems I can't stand praise neither. I don't believe you. When it comes to suffering emotionally I don't like to suffer emotionally. I don't suffer well and I don't suffer alone. Socially I'm a bankrupt idealist and brooding perfectionist who lives defensively and guarded in fear of being found out. As such I tend to rationalize minimize justify and deny all my actions while casting blame upon innocent people in a vigorous attempt to avoid detection. Regarding my fellow man and woman I demand and I said demand the absolute possession and control of everybody and every circumstance that enters my arena of life. Therefore when I respond to you I am quick to anger virtue and I get a distinct succinct delight and twisted pleasure out of judging and criticizing everybody I see. Outstanding characteristic is defiance and rebellion dogs my every step. Now as a child of God that's a catalog of my finer qualities. Anybody want to date? I'm looking for work. Let me tell you something. That's the greatest description of my personality I ever saw and I want to tell you what makes it alcoholism. You see given those symptoms that ism that if you're new in this room I want to suggest something to you. At every meeting you go to you're going to hear those exact same symptoms and I'm going to go out on a limb. If you're an old timer and you've been around for a long time I'm going to submit to you that I believe you've heard them at every meeting you've been to. However, here's how you're going to hear them. I don't fit in. I don't belong. I'm not a part of. What's wrong with me? I must be different. It's how all that comes out. Not a big psychological breakthrough but it's real. Now I'm going to tell you how it affects me. You see my sponsor that I have today Clancy tells me I have what's called a disease of perception. Now it's going to help you to understand what I mean by that or this dialogue is going to become a mutant boy in here pretty quick. When I was new I was about three minutes sober and my sponsor took me to a meeting in Chicago because the police were looking for me in Moe Lane. We went to this anniversary of this group called the Mustard Seed Group. Now I'd been around AA for quite a while by this time so I was pretty sure I knew how AA worked I just couldn't stay sober. So he takes me to this meeting and it's seated just like this. There's about 300 people in the room. And my sponsor's in the front row with all the old cronies and they put us sick ones in the second row in my opinion so they didn't have to look at the disease. And there's a speaker up here you know speaking just like I am lying just like some of you are going to think I am before I'm done. And I'm talking to my best friend Jimmy I've known him three minutes he's sitting right next to me. I found it necessary to critique the speaker just like I've seen some of you do it already. So he starts talking on and I heard that speaker say something that I know is a bald faced lie. I looked at Jimmy and I said I'm talking out loud I said Jimmy how could New York send him to talk at this anniversary? He's a liar. Then he talked on and I couldn't stand him going crazy because I'm trying to be spiritual I'm sober three and a half weeks. I said Jimmy he couldn't have done that he'd be in prison for the rest of his natural life. And Jimmy goes and then he talked on and I said Jimmy he's a liar he couldn't have drank like that I know his guts would fall out. And Jimmy goes and then he talked on and I said I said oh Jimmy I can't stand it he couldn't have done that he'd be locked up in the psych ward. I know I've been there 17 times. I guess my sponsor got sick and tired of hearing me. He looked turned around and looked me right in the eye in front of 300 people here's what I heard him say shut up you god damn loser you ain't got a thing to say we want to hear. And if we ever think you do we'll come out to that abandoned car we pulled you out of behind Harvey's restaurant we'll throw you a little horn and invite you in to share. Now until then sit there keep your big mouth shut or leave. That's what I heard him say. Come to find out here's what it really said. So I hear it funny. You're 9 years old I don't know what's wrong with me I'm already plagued with these feelings I don't understand and I'm somewhere between 8 and 9 years old I'm at home and I look in the mirror and I think to myself Butler it's too bad pal it's going to be a long life and it's going to be lonely because you are butt ugly pal I have no god given idea where that thought came from my mother never sat me down and said oh you poor little son of a you are so ugly there's not a mercy alone I put you back in my good that's not what my mother said but that's what I heard when she said Wayne I love you you hear me and I also felt retarded now I want to tell you something about people like me and I presume people like you I lack the power to act better than I feel unlike earth people out there by god earth people can control their feelings not me I follow them even if it's going to kill me I want to make sure by doing it and I felt retarded so apparently in an effort to not be insane I acted how I felt and I started acting retarded you know what will happen if you act retarded they'll diagnose you I got diagnosed severely emotionally retarded in 19 and they put me in a retarded class not special ed not the remedials the retarded class my nickname was retardo I loved it and I'm going to tell you something by the end of my 9th grade I'd improved so much they kept me there I never left the retarded class I graduated high school with the retarded class I was on the short bus for a long time now I'm 17 years old now there's a guy named Tom who takes us retarded kids on field trips because he gets extra merit badges for boy scouts or something like that and he liked me he said I was the brightest of the bunch I was pretty pleased about that I remember I told my sponsor one time that Tom said I was the brightest of the bunch and he said hey dummy do you know a light bulb burns brightest just before it burns out you gotta love your sponsor so Tom takes us on field trips and we came to the senior dance I'm 17 years old I'm 6 foot 3 I weigh 120 pounds and I swear to God in 4 years of high school I never spent or spoke 10 sentences the caption under my name in a yearbook reads silent butler I never said a word to nobody I was cunning baffling I thought powerful Tom takes me to the senior dance I go to that senior dance biggest thing on my body is an infected pebble I just feel terrible and I'm standing up against the wall with my 13 and a half inch gunboat feet and I swear to God if you say one word about my feet I'll kill your family that's how I feel I felt and I'm watching boys and girls do what boys and girls do but I don't know what they do so I'm just watching them do what they did and Tom brings me over to this long brown bottle with a red white and blue label called Budweiser I swear to God if I didn't know what it was going to do I'd have saluted it he brings me over to that bottle and he says here Wayne drink it it'll make you feel better I drank it and I said Tom that tastes terrible I want a Pepsi Cola Tom said that's ok kid you'll get used to it now that isn't what he meant what he meant was like anybody else that drinks for the first time you're going to be a snot in those little kids you're probably going to drink too much pee in your dresser drawer have to do your laundry but you'll be ok that ain't what happened to me and that isn't what happens to the alcoholic an abnormal reaction in my mind took place Silkworth calls it an illusion what that means is the earth people don't see it but I will defend it to the death and it's an illusion somewhere between four or five Budweiser's I got some good looking I couldn't stand it and I said I looked down on the dance floor I eyeballed me a blue eyed blonde dancing with some loser and I watched right up third after the dance and she said yes I found out later that night sex meant two people I didn't know that I'm in the retarded class what do I know came through the next morning couldn't remember what all took place Tom told me I had a great time went back to retarded class a few weeks later my dad calls me and said pal we got a problem I said what's that he said you know that guru he was with at that party I said yes he said do you know she's 16 I said what do I know he said she's pregnant I said what's that mean you know there's a law in Illinois where a boy 14 or older has sex with a girl 17 or younger it's called statutory rape I said what's that mean dad he says 20 years to life I said even if you're retarded so we did some research and we found out if you marry him you don't go to jail so I fell in love we got married you gotta picture this we drive down to Palmyra Missouri in separate cars on the way back is my mom and dad driving me and my new wife Bonnie with little Wayne in the tummy and it occurs to me I'm about to graduate the retarded class in high school I'm married gonna have a baby and I've drank one time I'm done now Silkworth says that people like me who drink like I do and feel the way I do we get geographical what that means is when it's displeasant over here we move over there now my brother was in a place called Vietnam I didn't know where that was but his mail was marked airmail free so I knew that was a long way from where I was so I remember asking my dad if I could join the Navy my dad looked me right in the eye and he said son I don't know if they'll take a retarded kid but let's go see and on the way to the recruiting office he says now don't tell them what class you're in just tell them you're a senior I'll sign the papers don't tell them you're retarded you'll be fine so he coached me into the Navy I joined the Naval Reserve and every thing was happening joyous and free I graduated high school and just before I turned 18 I went to a party now you see in the book Alcoholics Anonymous Dr. Silkworth tells me that I'm going to experience strange mental twists prior to elapsing the drinking well I went to that party and I noticed Budweiser and I made a cautious decision not to drink Budweiser because I don't want no more babies and I saw this big bottle of clear liquid called tequila and I never had that before so I drank and I drank the whole bottle Tom said you gotta watch out that ain't like Budweiser that'll catch up to you I didn't know what he meant by that I do now it means I'm going to talk to God in person I had a conversation with God that night and I told God all the things I thought was done to me by my family growing up and I wanted to get even I heard God tell me go home and kill my family and as a result of that I ended up in the psychiatric system unexamined by doctors I take the MNPI to Cal State and they tell me I'm crazy as hell and I'm and they want to confine me they can't release me because if they release me and I do bodily harm to my family they'll be sued they'll be liable they can't do that and my mother looked right at that doctor and said but you can't keep him he's in the Navy he'll be AWOL you gotta love your mother because one of them psychiatrists was a lieutenant in the United States Naval Reserve when he found out I was in the Naval Reserve this was in May of 1968 by July 1968 he said Mrs. Butler we know a good place for your son where he can serve his country and do his thing and I found myself in Vietnam before he could blink they didn't think I'd come back I've been in 17 psychiatry institutions and I love it there I really do it's warm and fuzzy see if you drank like I drank I'm going to tell you how to do this in case you slip if you drank like I drank and you act like I acted on the streets I couldn't get a date to save my life but you put me in a psych ward and I got a 50-50 shot some of them institutions even tie them down I don't have to tell you I've had enough Thorazine put in my system to slow me down until I'm 210 now Thorazine doesn't do a damn thing to slow down your thinking or desire but it will keep you away for a long time you'll never get there you can think whatever you want but you're never going to arrive well I know if it does it to me it's got to do it to you girls too so they bring the med card right out onto the floor of the psych ward I just pick out which one I want to date and I'm and watch her take her Thorazine and I time it because I know in about a half hour I'm going to have a date that does not make me crazy it just means there's something wrong we don't know what that is it looks like I'm nuts it looks like I have some psychosocial disorder that needs to be treated very little did they know about alcoholism or they could have called it alcoholism 25 years ago 30 years ago but they called it many other things out of the DSM-3 that's why Alcoholics Dynamics is so important to me it's so important people we have to keep Alcoholics Dynamics pure so that when some sick and suffering alcoholic that's confused stumbles in these rooms he's going to be filled with experts all around him you and I sharing our personal experience one with another you can say yeah I felt like that yeah I did that yeah I've been there yeah that's me I drank like you my god what can I do and I promise you me or someone like me will sit down and show you what we did that's Alcoholics Dynamics but at that time they didn't have this there and I was sent into the system but for the grace of God I drank again now you think I wouldn't drink after that second experience I ended up in Vietnam I was gone three years I don't want to take a lot of time I never drank the entire time I was gone in Vietnam never did a drug never done nothing just went stark grieving insane came back from there three years later I was captain's driver been decorated my career was set I was playing baseball for the 7th fleet my life was set folks I'm 21 years old and it looks good I haven't drank since that second time now you gotta admit after the first two times I drank you might want to think about it so I'm playing baseball and having a good time and then the captain asked me if I'll baby my captain respects me just like my sponsor does and I don't want to do anything to usurp that respect when my captain asked me to babysit his children so he could go to an officer's ball I of course said yes immediately I checked out the ship's company car and on the way to pick up his kids a thought occurred to me from nowhere Wayne let's stop and get a six pack and buy it what the hell what can it hurt we ain't drank for three years and prior to that we only drank twice and nothing really bad happened I don't know if you think like that but I stopped and bought that six pack and drank it and then I put his precious little children into that car to go get another six pack and that's all I remember I blacked out I came out of that blackout with my captain two inches from my face screaming where's my kids I didn't know he really wanted to know we had to do some research to find him that got me discharged from the Navy because I refused to go to treatment you see he had me see a doctor in the Navy by the name of Kirsch who said that I was an alcoholic and I said I'm not an alcoholic I've only drank three times in my life by then it was four I said I'm not no alcoholic I got problems you wouldn't have taken me if I didn't have problems remember and so they solved their problem they discharged me from the Navy and to make a long story short from that day to the day I took my last drink I was drinking for the same exact reason to recreate the original effect produced when I was 17 and that effect produced is very simple if you're new I want you to hear this it's in the 12 and 12 Dr. Thiebaud through Father Ed Dowling wrote this for Bill Wilson he said that the reason we loved alcohol all too much is because it did let us act extemporaneously and then Bacchus boomeranged on us you know Bacchus in the old days is called the god of wine he's talking about the effect produced as godlike do you know what that means extemporaneous it's just a big word which means I can walk amongst you in a natural state of condition in other words when I drink alcohol I don't feel skinny I don't feel afraid I don't care if I got pimples I can talk to girls I can be amongst men I can be a man amongst men free of my fears only I don't know it it's an illusion and that's why alcohol is cunning baffling and powerful because when I ingest ethyl hydroxide into my system when I drink Budweiser something happens to me at a level beneath my consciousness that is so cunning and so baffling it leads me to believe that I can keep drinking and I will one day again feel normal and I submit to you that day will never come again I have to find a sufficient substitute for the effect produced by alcohol if I am not to find that substitute I am condemned and committed to drink again and again and again and again and again and I have that proof thank god for the people of alcoholism I must reach out to people like you and I winter of 1972 it was too cold to stay where I was now living you see my wife kicked me out I couldn't stay there no more my second wife I was kicked out had nowhere to go even my friends wouldn't talk to me I couldn't even stay in the bar Larry's Oasis he allowed me to sleep in the duplex out back he had side by side dumpsters and I'm going to tell you something while here I'll just in case you slip let me tell you this when you're in the midwest it gets cold there but if you burrow down into about three feet of decomposing freezing garbage it gives off a strange kind of a heat that will keep you from getting frostbite and if you're hungry what the hell now I remember I was sleeping in that dumpster because it was so cold out I couldn't get out and I heard a knock on the lid of my dumpster I was home I opened the door you know who was looking down in there at me my father he looked at me and he says you want to come home my mind says no it looks like I'm enjoying life just a dad I'd invite you in if I had to if I had room after all dad I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you and what you do that's what my mind said you know what my mouth said no thanks dad I'm doing fine he didn't need Al-Anon closed the lid left did not try to coerce me he released me with love and I'm so glad he did if he'd have taken me home I would be dead right now I believe that it got too cold to stay in that dumpster so I went to this restaurant called Harvey's Restaurant and you know I got I got this ability to make old women feel sorry for me I don't know where that comes from but I just got it and I was you know I talked to this waitress on the third shift and she was giving me a hot cup of water and I would mix Heinz tomato ketchup up in it to get myself a hot cup of soup and then she would hide saltines in the garbage can out back so I could find them so she wouldn't get fired for helping a bum unbeknownst to me the owner of that restaurant is a guy named Harvey he'd been watching me he allowed me to go out he allowed me to go out he allowed me to cut a deal with her to mop and wax the dining room floors for two sausage sandwiches on a whole wheat toast I thought that wasn't a whole lot but you can't really argue when you're sleeping out back in the car one night Harvey comes in and he's got this brass coin on one side he's got two A's on another side he's got this stupid prayer God grant me something I don't know what it is but he says here now here's what he actually said he said I want you to take this coin to 416 16th Street Moline go in and see those people they're friends of mine tell them Harvey sent you they're gonna help you now that's what he said here's what I heard if you go down there these friends of mine are gonna give you some free food to eat cause we know you're hungry we're gonna give you some pocket dough cause we know you're broke and they're gonna give you three or four packs of pill mill tailor made cigarettes I haven't had a tailor made cigarette in a long time see I'm a curb butt smoker we got any curb butt smokers in here? that's a fine art now I'm gonna tell you how it is when you're mowing with nothing left in your life and you're looking for a one incher God you pray for a two incher and you're going along the curb and you carry wads of paper in your pocket so that when you find one laying in the gutter you can drop that paper beside it make it look to the world around you that you are sure is watching you and I can sit down there and pick up that wad of paper put that little butt in my mouth and smoke it and hope to God I don't get demoralized one more time so if I hadn't heard him say that I wouldn't have went to that place the next day if Harvey would have said Wayne you're going to AA I wouldn't have went because I'm not an alcoholic I've got problems I've got lots of problems I ain't no alcoholic so I went there and he told me that there'd be a light bulb hanging on a cord if it was on go in that means they're there they're expecting ya but I want you to go with me to my first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous I go down there and I see this building 416 16th street I see the cellar doorway I notice the windows are painted black can't see in they can't see out found out that was anonymity and then I looked up on the side of the building it had a big sign posted by the city of Moline which read building condemned do not enter right beneath it was another sign with an arrow pointing into the cellar it said AA 16th street welcome that made me think and then I saw the light bulb and it was indeed hanging on a cord but it was flickering he said if it was on to go in he didn't tell me what it meant if it was flickering and then I looked up on the side of the building and I stood there staring at that flickering light waiting for it to go steady and then it made me absolutely out of my mind so I went over to Larry's Oasis and talked Larry out of a couple beers and pretty soon I didn't care anymore and I went to 416 16th street the light was on I charged through the cellar doorway I failed to notice the door was five pennies I'm six threes I caught that door header right across my eyebrow the impact literally knocked me off my feet and I slid into my first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous about six feet inside the door there was a round table with six or seven old farts waiting to die and I slid between two of them and this old ugly one gets up out of his chair and goes just like this and then I heard him say slide right in here dummy the wrench that fit every nut that comes in the door I hit him right away and I'm reaching for that gun I got toted in my boot and just as I'm ready to pop a cap but I heard him say dummy I said my name's Wayne he says I'm Larry's Oasis I got it dummy I'm gonna be your sponsor that saved his life you might wonder why I've never been to AA what would that mean to me well because I played baseball sponsors pay for everything I was quick I got up off that floor and stuck my head right up Barney's draft they say I was so close to him for five years he should have put term signals on his hips to keep from breaking my neck should he turn left or right God love my sponsor both of them for the next five years I went to meetings drinking every day I drank before meetings I drank after meetings and sometimes when I couldn't stand no more your smiles and hugs I drank during meetings I'm gonna suggest something to you if you ever find a gathering like this where a drinking drunk is not allowed to sit in and listen in my opinion that's not AA that's a gathering of people forgot where they came from however in case you slip we do want you to behave if you're drinking there is a gathering of people you can't handle it I don't know I'm not gonna lie it's my problem I can either drink or I can behave I just can't do it simultaneously the home group about four years drinking and I walked in during the speaker of course late disrupted the meeting of course and something happens to my personality no matter how spiritual I am when authority presents itself I get unspiritual quick I don't know what that is I walked in there's a speaker speaking I walk in make an appearance and the old timer gets up and says you gotta quiet down you're disrupting the meeting I looked at him and said I don't know what that is I don't know what that is all of a sudden I wasn't spiritual no more I looked at him and I said I don't want to another one got up and said you gotta sit down and be quiet you're disrupting the meeting and I said I don't have to another one got up and said you gotta leave you're welcome to come back tomorrow cause we don't kick anybody out of AA but we do have a right to a peaceful meeting and if you can't conduct yourself you gotta leave and I said to him you can't make me oh yes they can four guys about Sean's size each one grabbed armor and a leg talked to a newcomer into holding the door open I knew as I flew by just before I landed out on 16th street I heard one of the old timers yell out keep coming I wasn't sure about the sincerity of AA at that point but I did keep coming back four and a half years drinking I walked into a meeting and I heard my sponsor yell out hey dummy I said what he said you know this program tends to work better it's adult drink I didn't know that that truly never occurred to me and it splintered my mind and in that fraction of a second I reached down into my boot pulled that 357 out wheeled it around and fired a round up at my sponsor's face I missed him six inches high they say if Barney was six foot tall he'd be six foot under I came to the next morning in a six point leathery strange tied to a steel bed in the center of a padded room at Franciscan Mental Health Center in Rock Island, Illinois it was my 17th trip to the psych ward I was black and blue from head to toe from little AA group therapy good therapy never done that again I had a visitor the next morning you know who it was? Barney I couldn't get rid of him for nothing he was like a maggot on a bad piece of meat I'm telling you so I'm tied down in six point leathers I'm naked I'm beat up from the throat up to the foot down and I'm laying there face up and he walks into my seclusion room as a visitor the next morning he's got a nurse behind him cause they won't let him come in alone in case I need him I might bite through the straps and kill him I don't even got any teeth they took him away and he says dummy that's what I heard there's something wrong with you you might just be nuts and I'm thinking nuts huh? they gotta let me out of here someday pal I know where you live and then it's like he had ESPN next thing out of his mouth he says dummy I don't know if they're gonna let you out of here they're talking about keeping you and studying you a while if they let you out of here if you come with us and do what we did and still do you can recover too not a word of judgement not a word of do you know what you did to me last night this guy was showing me the example of the alcoholics anonymous as he ministered the program to me through his actions and they say you can't reach a drinking drunk that's not true my experience says that's not true he was reaching me I just didn't know it I was humanly incapable to know he got me released into his custody can you believe that? I don't know if I could be that humble this guy must have believed that part in the big book where it said do not be afraid to go to the most sordid spot on earth to carry this message God will keep you unarmed my sponsor assured me I was a sordid place six months later I took what appears to have been my last drink didn't mean to it was cold it was November again 1977 I bought a six pack of Budweiser well that's a lie I stole it and I'm sitting on the front stoop of the Moline drinking that beer it's twenty degrees out it was raining in a sleet and I'm sitting there shivering and freezing and drinking and I drank the third can and decided to kill myself I couldn't take it anymore guess who shows up right then? Bernie he's there early see he comes early his idea of being on time is an hour early my God his idea of leaving on time is an hour after the meeting is over so he can mix with people he doesn't even like and so he just happens to show up before I leave to go kill myself and he doesn't say a thing about my drinking he says dummy that's what I heard why don't you come in and help me set up for the meeting I don't think I can do it by myself and I forgot and left the six pack of Bud sitting there by the stoop and by the time that meeting was over I didn't go looking for it and from that day to this day I have not picked up a drink I've had no alcohol no pills potters filters or locusts in my body but it hasn't been easy folks if you're new in this room I want you to know something we're asking you for a commitment that's going to save your life and in turn save somebody else's life my sponsor said to me dummy that's what I heard he said I want you to give us a year give AA and B a year he says turn your will and your life over to God I want your ass you hear me give us a year of your life he says that first year you're going to build a foundation in Alcoholics Anonymous you're going to take commitments you're going to go to a meeting every day you're going to turn your will and your life over to God and you're going to do what we of experience want you to do because that's what's going to give you a new chance he says if you do that for your first year you will build a foundation upon which your higher power of God as you understand him is going to place a house and if you do it right you'll become a mansion with many rooms for you and all your friends of AA to live in and someday in the future when a certain emotional storm is going to hit your life that foundation will withstand the storm and you will not drink but if you do not build that foundation you will have a weak foundation and if you don't go back and reconstruct it at a more painful later date you're sure to drink and I bought it and for a year I did everything but I want to tell you about something he did my third week sober he's going to take me to a convention of all you people my whole group was fifteen strong all waiting to die see I was a fresh piece of meat they hadn't seen a newcomer at that group for a long time they loved me oh my god they'd almost love me to death Barney said we're going to a convention in Rock Island but you can't go looking like that and smelling like that that's when I had hair I didn't have any teeth so I had a full beard that I hadn't washed in a long time and the reason I had the beard was because I was so ashamed I had no teeth and I had long hair and for you that like long hair I have no opinion it's not me but yet I had it because I felt so different I made myself look different to match how I felt so I wouldn't go psychotic and my sponsor said let's get you cleaned up Barney took me to his favorite bar his favorite clothing store to get me a new set of clothes to meet you fine people he took me to the Salvation Army Sharon's going to remember this part he took me there and he bought me a suit you know what my suit was? lime green, double knit, polyester yeah remember that? and the lining was yellow had green tennis rackets so Barney bought it so then we went over to the shirt department and I said Barney I'm drawing the line I'm buying the shirt so I picked out what I thought was a silk shirt it had animals on it, it's cool the collar went down to here it was open to there cost me about ten cents and then we went to the underwear and I said no I blocked it that I don't know where it's been it ain't going on me then he took me to the shoe department oh the shoe department at Salvation Army the only thirteen and a half inch gun boats they had in supply any disco people here? remember those black and brown box toe washers two and a half inch platform sole with a six inch heel that's all they had so we bought them we got out of Salvation Army for a buck eighty-five and he took me to that convention put me at the front door and said my job is to be a greeter Thanksgiving 1977 you know who the speakers were at that convention? Norm Elfie Chuck C Ted Elsa Whitting Chuck C Johnny H Clancy I Dottie Shore a guy named Tom Brady from Charlotte, North Carolina boy I was blessed and if you're new here I hope you feel blessed with the presence that's in this arena tonight I hope you do something happened to me but I gotta tell you this being the greeter was not a lot of fun I remember when Chuck C walked up to shake my sponsor's hand all he did was caught a view of that suit and all I heard was I'd have shot him if I'd have known who he was for sure and he walked by and Clancy took one look at me and frisked me laughing all the way Johnny moved quick Dottie gave me a hug Elsa gave me a hug Tom said something I couldn't understand and I couldn't they were all laughing though they weren't laughing when Barney shook their hand but as soon as they started to shake mine they laughed uncontrollably and I finally said fuck he looks at me right in the eye and he said yeah yeah they are he says you know what dummy that's what I heard if you ever learn to laugh at yourself you'll never be left unamused I could have took that personal if I could think quick enough and then my sponsor did something I don't know if I could have been humble enough to do he gave me his seat at the speaker table and I had nothing to say I sat there and listened and I was mesmerized I hated him but I was mesmerized and I've been going to conventions ever since I'm a convention making junkie I really am I go every chance I get I went to every one I could get to I slept in the stairwell sometimes when I couldn't afford it because I was paying my bills for a change sponsors have a funny way of making you do that kind of stuff I would take service commitments and get my registration paid for there is no such thing as I can't go no such thing there is a thing as I don't want to go I'm not willing to go but there is no such thing as I can't my sponsor said that if I really wanted to do this thing that I would find a way to do it by the good grace of God that happened to me I did that first year just like he said took commitments I didn't want to take went to a meeting every stinking, wily, miserable day stood at the door greeting people I didn't like trying to lift wallets I couldn't get to washing cups I didn't dirty picking up cigarette butts I didn't put on the floor what has this got to do with drinking? shut up! that's what I heard he said now you got to work for somebody I said my God Barney I'm only five months sober he said okay find somebody with three and so I did I went on a mission I caught a guy coming in my home group totally unsuspecting of my nature I raced right up to him in an uncontrollable urge grabbed him by the throat and lifted him up against the wall and said where's that asshole? if you want what I got you got to do what I did you ain't got a goddamn thing I want so I went and ratted him out to my sponsor Barney he said he don't want nothing I got he said neither does anybody else he said but keep plugging away because you're going to find someone too sick to know it's you well it's all about love and then at the end of the year I want to caution you newcomer about something at the end of the year at my home group in Illinois they give you a chip and the sponsor says something nice about you they got to make it up but they do to make you feel good and then you're supposed to come up and thank them and then sit down and shut up but I got confused on the way to my ascension see my sponsor said a couple of nice things he gave me my chip and sat down I got up and I said I'm Wayne I'm an alcoholic and just as I said that I looked above my sponsor's head and I saw Bill and Bob's picture on the wall and I damn well saw mine floating up between them and in a moment I looked down at my sponsor and realized what a pathetic loser he was after all these years of sobriety look at me after one I am walking hand in hand with his spirit of the universe remember something happened to him and I realized I had outgrown my sponsor's authority I didn't tell him I just did and from my second year to my seventh year I did steps 1, 12 and 13 by the way ladies if I come up to you tonight after the meeting perhaps during a dance maybe I'll even posture a bit hey would you like to go have coffee and talk about God seven years dry without a sponsor I'm more depressed now than I've ever been in my life you see I'm convinced AA doesn't work I've been coming to meetings every single day and doing what I think is everything I'm supposed to do unaware of my own condition I weigh 146 pounds I've lost my teeth again I know not where I'm like a man who's lost his teeth I can't grow new ones I can't call my sponsor listen to this newcomer I can't call my sponsor because I've been lying on him for six years now I can't come to you because it's you whom I've been lying to I don't know what to do so I called the only friend I got left I called my psychiatrist now I'm not sharing an opinion don't leave here tonight and say that speaker gave an opinion this is my personal experience I called that doctor he called me in he gave me some tests drew my blood and told me I had a chemical imbalance and I needed to take a drug called lithium and then he told me I needed to take a drug called amitriptyline which is a pain blocker and then he asked me if I'd be willing to participate in a volunteer program for a new anti-depressant which is now known as Prozac and I said yeah so he gave me the prescription I went to the drug store filled that prescription and before I took it a thought came from nowhere Barney call Barney so I called him I said Barney I think I better talk to you so he says ok I'll meet you at the maid right why couldn't we just went home why do I have to go to the maid right see he wants witnesses I meet him at the maid right and he's sitting in the center table where everybody can hear our conversation that's what old timers do they embarrass you to death so I set my bag of pills on the table Barney's looking at me like this and I said Barney I'm bipolar he looked at me and he says I know we all know we've known for a long time you're bipolar he says you know what dummy one of these days you're going to be walking down 16th street and you're going to hear the loudest explosion you've ever heard it's going to be your head popping right out of your ass and you won't be bipolar no more he hated his guts and then you know what he said to me he said I'm not a doctor but I do know this I know that you suffer from a condition known as alcoholism and you have not done anything that is required in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous to consummate recovery and you should be 10 times more depressed than you ever were he says how are you going to know what your problem is if you don't try the 2 years of your life they get greedy and he says if after 2 years you're not doing better I'll go to the doctor with you and we'll take them pills and he sold me on it I put the pills away and never took them he sent me to California and I spent 6 months with Clancy and the Pacific group came back to Illinois took the steps later outlined in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous used the 12 and 12 for amplification and understanding and I got to tell you something I wish it was more profound than that combined with the service and the commitments the 12 steps continue and conclude the triangle of Alcoholics Anonymous by my 9th year of sobriety I weighed 242 pounds my depression lifted and this very day has never came back that's amazing power of this program called Alcoholics Anonymous and I've been given gifts in this program because I've worked for them I've done things today I never thought possible moved to Des Moines, Iowa because I had a dream can you believe I got to become a police officer think about that for a minute I've been institutionalized 17 times I've been arrested twice for attempted murder I'm a domestic violator 9 times I've been divorced twice with 5 kids and I want to be a cop well see in Iowa they call that good experience my sponsor directed me to get my record expunged so I did and that enabled me to join the Sheriff's Reserve in Des Moines, Iowa to start with I remember when I went into the academy remember that retarded thing? I had the ability to do that I had the ability because of you to tell my fellow academy mate that I don't know how to read and write very well I don't know how to study I don't know what to do what am I going to do? you know what these 18 people did? they sat me down and I wrote and memorized everything card after card after card after card they took shifts before every test and I wrote and memorized the cards and when it came to the question I matched the card and I passed I graduated the 4th in my class can you believe that? I called my sponsor Barney! I'm graduating! 4th in my class! Barney cried said he was proud of me and then I said Barney they gave me my gun I heard him say oh shit I took that as approval and I got to do that for 5 years and then I moved to California to join my beloved Pacific group Clancy became my sponsor I had many friends in that group I miss if I'm not there Sharon and Casey are friends of mine you can find me at the Pacific group Center aisle 3rd row down 6th seat in every Wednesday night I'll be there I love my home group I went there because I fell in love with that group because there are people like me alcoholics that I identify with and I'm going to tell you why you see the problem is I feel like I don't fit in I don't belong I'm not a part of I consciously always wonder what's wrong with me I know my case is different when I drink Budweiser something happens to me at an extemporaneous level that allows me to feel an illusion of fitting in and belonging in a vision for you it tells me do we have a sufficient substitute for that effect produced it's referring to it says yes and vastly more than that we have a fellowship in alcoholic synonymous when I'm with you I'm not with me you hear me I belong when they stood me at the door making me greet people I didn't even know I began to fit in when I did my fifth step that strong sense of belonging came when I heard someone else's fifth step I felt like I was a part of the inner nucleus of alcoholic synonymous I earned my seat and now I know I'm a part of a greater whole and when I sit with you I no longer feel different I haven't felt different this entire weekend I've seen some strange things but I have not felt different we are a people who normally would not miss would you agree with that oh yeah I broke bread with some of you people this week scare me that should scare you they're from your group not mine my life today is good it hasn't gone the way I wanted it to all the time but my life is good I'm doing things in my life that I didn't imagine could ever be done for a guy that graduated to a regarded class from high school I never got an education I've learned my education right here in alcoholic synonymous you taught me to walk and talk you taught me how to dress for my god you taught me how to dress thank you I fit in society I know when to dress up now I know when to go out there and look the part but not only do I look the part but I feel the part and I learned that here with you because my sponsor wouldn't settle for any of that but I know how to dress up now I know when to go out there and look the part but not only do I look the part because my sponsor wouldn't settle for anything but the best for me and thank god he had my best at heart because if it wasn't for him I would have settled for less I wouldn't have submitted committed and surrendered myself to the AA way because I've uncovered and discovered here alcoholic synonymous is not a 12 step program it's not a program at all it's a way of life and on page 15 paragraph 3 in 12 and 12 here's what it says AA's 12 steps are a group of principles spiritual in nature spiritual in nature which if practiced as a way of life can expel the obsession to drink and enable the sufferer who am I to become happily and usually whole and I submit to you that's the character of alcoholic synonymous that's the summation of the 12 promises when you take the 12 promises and condense them down to the most common denominator here's what they are I get to feel happy I get to feel like a useful member of society a useful human being and I get to feel whole with or without a woman with or without a job with or without conflict I get to feel like a whole human being because my real problem is internal spiritual maladjustment and because of the actions I take in alcoholic synonymous through the power of 12 suggested steps 12 traditions and 12 concepts of the world's service I am given an opportunity to adjust to the world around me and within me I do no longer have to be maladjusted if I am willing to submit commit and surrender myself to the AA way and if I forget that I will leave the AA way and I will leave the AA way and if I forget that I will leave the AA way and if I forget that I will leave the AA way and if I forget that I will leave the AA way I will leave the AA way for a better idea you know my biggest plague right now is some days I wake up feeling normal now I know that's hard for some of my friends to believe but there are days I look in the mirror and I don't look like an alcoholic no more sometimes I don't even feel like an alcoholic and then at 7 o'clock my babies start to call me those alcoholics that I sponsored by 8 o'clock I know not only am I an alcoholic but I sponsored some really sick people I fit in I belong I'm a part of commitment and my commitments lead to that those of you who put this conference on this weekend there is no doubt you must feel a great part of this whole time I know I feel a part of it because I was asked to give up my weekend and come here and participate and I did that I feel a part of I'm not a speaker I'm a member of Alcoholics Anonymous I'm just a drunk don't treat me like a speaker I'm a drunk I've had all the separation I want in my life am I putting that down I'm not we need carriers of the AA message my god Sharon goes around can I use you for a minute Sharon goes around the world and carries the message of Alcoholics Anonymous those 6 people carried the message to me I'm not up here out of ego I'm up here because someone did it for me 21 years and 11 months ago they gave up their entire weekend to come to Rock Island Illinois so a goofball madman named Insane Wayne could sit in the front row where he didn't want to be so that members of Alcoholics Anonymous could carry the message of love and service to him and I'm going to tell you something it wasn't because my sponsor loved me my sponsor didn't love me not then I'll tell you why I know that in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous it says that an alcoholic in his cups is an unlovely creeper it doesn't say baby boomer it doesn't say unfortunate unlovely one it says I'm an animal because I have an animalistic way that doesn't mean I'm mean it just means I'm trying to survive like an animal and I'm not very lovely my sponsor loved AA and that's why he did what he did for me and now in my turn is to come out and do the same thing he did for me because number one that's going to ensure my sobriety and perhaps it will allow me to pay a little bit of my debt to the God in my understanding for the way I lived my life for so long I believe absolutely that I have a debt of gratitude to pay and it didn't happen yesterday it's got to happen today you see what I did last week? last month? last year? it has nothing to do with AA today what keeps me sober today is what I do today and my paying back to Alcoholics Anonymous ensures that I might get another tomorrow when I wake up so I'm happy to come and do this it's my privilege I want to share this story with you as I close about six months ago seven months ago now I want to tell you how important sponsorship is even today now I want you to know I've got a God in my life and I'm not going to bore you with the details because it's not a religious program you don't need to know what my God is just trust I've got one but you know sometimes I don't feel it and I've got to have that sponsor right there every day good example 21 years over I needed my sponsor twice this year but this one was the big one I got petitioned by my sons my 12 year old son's mother and stepfather to adopt my son forcibly I've been in California six and a half years she cited me as an abandoning absentee father and they wrote some really truthful information about what I used to be like when I drank in that petition and they were going to adopt my son I called my sponsor up and we talked about it I talked to a lawyer and he said we might be able to do something but let's see what your son has to say and I called my son up and I said Zachary do you want to be adopted and he said yes I do I want you to know something I fell out of that chair I dropped the phone and I almost passed out I took a shot shattered I didn't know I had a heart that bad to be shattered so that was twice in a month I got my heart shattered once the breakup of an engagement and then that and I asked my sponsor my god I can't do that what am I going to do he said you have to do that so I went out to Monterey Park Courthouse and went before a judge and the judge said Mr. Butler are you aware you're signing an irrevocable consent to adopt your son that he will no longer be your son nor can you ever petition for rights and I heard myself say yes sir I signed the paper left the court with my best friend went right across and threw up for the first time in 21 years and I couldn't breathe I thought I'd done something horrible I couldn't even talk and I died my sponsor said the tragedy of AA is there's no step to take that will mend a broken heart I hope you've got lots of commitments and I kept my commitments I kept doing everything that was in front of me I'd lost the love of my life and now I've given up my son I don't know what I'm going to do but I'm going to keep my commitments and I'm not going to lie and I'm not going to blame I'm just going to do what there is to do three months went by and I got a phone call from my son from my son's mother after nine years of continued sobriety she drank and her husband drank after 12 and I guess they got in a terrible fight and he abused her and she left him and she's divorcing him and then she says we need you to fly home your son needs you you know what I wanted to say hey my son you took him away from me that resentment just came from nowhere and then I thought can I call you back you hear me so I hung up and I said can I call my sponsor I said Clancy what do I do he says buy a ticket I said but you don't understand he's not my son buy a ticket so I bought a ticket and I went home and there's my son it's not his fault he was telling me he wanted to be adopted because he thought it would bring peace to the family that's why he said he wanted to be adopted he told me that a month ago guess what happened I spent a week in Illinois with my son and while I was there I discovered there's a law I didn't know about this I don't even know what it's called but I know they only have a certain amount of time for the paperwork to get to Monterey Park to get to the Rock Island County Courthouse and be recorded it didn't make it it got lost in the mail he's still my son it's kind of hard to believe isn't it I cried and he came out and stayed three weeks with me and now she's offered me custody of him next year how's that happen because I followed directions I didn't call her up and call her names like I really wanted to my sponsor said restrain of tongue and pen it's in the book he said be kind and loving and tolerant do the next right indicated action and don't ask any questions just do what you gotta do and thank God I followed those words because that is not what I wanted to do and because of that I've got my son back in my life and I've got a career that's out of this world life is good I hope if you're new in this room I hope you know what we've got we've got a thing called alcoholism and there's only one thing known to provide one day at a time sure handed recovery by reaching out one alcoholic to another and that's a program called Alcoholics Anonymous and if you're not in the winner's circle I hope you jump in the winner's circle it's really easy to jump in the winner's circle put one hand in the hand of your loving father God put your other hand in the hand of the newcomer your sponsor your home group commitment and you'll not have a hand left free to pick up a drink thank you for letting me share