Acting My Way Into Right Thinking Because Thinking My Way Into Right Living Never Worked – Patty O.

Thank you. I'm Patty. I'm an alcoholic. And I'm grateful to be sober. I'm grateful to be in the meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. I want to thank Linda and the committee for inviting me and giving me an opportunity to participate in my recovery. I learned early on in Alcoholics Anonymous that all I needed to do was say yes, and I didn't need to know why. And I often want to know why. And I suppose that tonight I know why I'm here with you. About this time of year, 21 years ago, I asked a woman in Alcoholics Anonymous to be my sponsor, and I was not the kind of newcomer in Alcoholics Anonymous that you would want to sponsor. I came in here angry. I came in here violent. I threw chairs at people. I took swings at you. I spit at you. I kicked at you. People were not coming up to me after a little while. And this is not to bedrock a mental health, but it didn't take you long to realize that I was not approachable. And after a while, the only people who were coming, coming up to me were people whose sponsors were irritated with them. And if your sponsor was annoyed with you, he or she would point to me and say, see that woman back there? Go give her your phone number. And being a good AA, you would come and do that. So when I asked this woman to be my sponsor, I suppose I expected her to say no or what an order, I can't go through with it, or you're too ill, or you're too angry, or you're too something. And she didn't. She looked at me and smiled, and she said it would be an honor. And it had not been an honor. It's been an honor for anybody to do anything with me for a very long time. And it's been necessary in the last 21 years for me to change sponsors, but I haven't done it. She's a hateful woman and has given me direction that made absolutely no sense to me and had nothing to do with anything going on in my life. And she's said things to me that have been cruel over the years. And, of course, there were a lot of times in the last 21 years that she just didn't. She just didn't understand. And it's been necessary a lot to change sponsors, but I just haven't done that. And Tuesday I had an opportunity to spend some time with her, and she said some things to me. We just spent a few minutes together. She said some things to me that I suppose will be a legacy for me because on Wednesday I got a phone call that she had passed away. And I am very sad, and my heart is very, very heavy. And, um... I had a friend of mine call me this morning because my sponsor used to always say to me when I was going to do this, when I talk in a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous, she would always say to me, just, honey, just tell him your name and tell him the truth. And I had a friend of mine call me this morning and say, honey, just tell him your name and tell him the truth. And that's what I'm going to try and do this evening. But I know that there are no mistakes. I know that God has a plan. And I know that I learned a long time ago in Alcoholics Anonymous to show up. And take the right action in spite of what I thought. Because, you see, what I thought was I should stay in bed for a few days with the covers over my head. Because I don't know how to grieve. And I don't know how to be sad. And I don't know how to let people go. And the fact that I had been asked to be here I think was a part of God's plan a long time ago. And so I'm especially grateful tonight to have an opportunity to be in a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous and to have an opportunity to feel your love. And to take your courage and to take your strength to continue to do the things that I need to do a day at a time. I had my first drink of alcohol when I was 13 years old. I'm really sorry I waited that long. But I didn't have any idea what alcohol would do to me or for me. I grew up in an alcoholic home but I didn't know it was alcoholism. I used to say I grew up in a dysfunctional family and then I realized I was the dysfunction. My father's a drunk. I didn't know it was alcoholism. I thought we were just a little strange. I remember we had six kids. Peggy kind of upped us with eight this afternoon. But there were six kids in our family. My mother is a major and treated Al-Anon. And my father's a drunk. And I remember one Sunday we went on a picnic and my mother put the picnic blanket out and all the food and everything. And as soon as the picnic was all set out my father, the drunk, passed out across the blanket. And the minute he passed out, it was kind of like a sign for the kids to go nuts. And we started ripping bologna out from underneath them and potato salad. And we were throwing it at one another. And there was all this chaos. And my mother, who is an untreated Al-Anon, is the controlling type. I think if you're going to have an untreated Al-Anon, it really is only fair that you should have an enabler, not a controller. But my mother was trying to get things in order. And she was trying to get the kids to behave. And she was trying to get my father to sit up. And she was... All of the chaos. She spotted a family across the park. And across the park was a family. And they were having a picnic. And they were all sitting around the picnic blanket eating like ladies and gentlemen. And they were throwing the frisbee and playing with the dog. And my mother had an idea. And I think for an Al-Anon, sometimes an idea can be as deadly as a drink for an alcoholic. Because my mother looked and she thought, why can't we have a family like that? Why can't we have a picnic like them? So she spent the week sort of putting the fear of God into all of us. And she went and bought a new picnic basket. And that next Sunday we took the dog, who had not been out of the backyard in ten years, and we took the dog to the park with us. And my mother stepped the blanket out and she propped my father the drunk against a tree. So when he passed out he just sort of went up to the tree. And we tried playing with the dog. The dog didn't have a clue what to do with the frisbee. I mean it was like... And I've often thought about that day. And I've thought, what if that Sunday there was a family on the other side of the park? And what if that family was looking at us saying, why can't we have a family like that? And that's how I lived my life. I lived my life putting on a show for you. I lived my life being whatever it was I thought you wanted me to be. And I never had a clue. I never asked you what you wanted me to be. So I always fell short. But my life was about putting on a show for you. And I did that day after day after day after day. And when I had my first drink of alcohol, I didn't know I had grown up with alcoholism. I didn't even think about alcohol. I didn't think, oh I can't wait until I have a drink. Or I didn't think I'll never have a drink. I just didn't think about alcohol one way or another. I had never given it any thought really. And at 13 years old I was on a camping trip with a group of girls. And we were camped down at the beach just south of Oceanside. And we went into the tent that night. And I had a bottle of vodka in my pillowcase. And to this day I don't know where that bottle came from. I believe it was the grace of God but I can't be sure. But I remember pulling the bottle out. And I remember being excited about having it. And I didn't have any idea what alcohol would do to me or for me. But I remember being excited about having it. And I asked if anybody wanted it and they didn't. And the reason they gave me for not wanting it was all we had to mix with. It was grape soda and root beer. And I said, well, so what? And I took off the top and I drank half the bottle. And I looked around the tent and nothing had got different. Nothing had changed. So I drank the second half of the bottle. And that was to be the end of my social drinking. Never again after that day did I ever offer anybody a drink out of my bottle. And I don't know about anybody else but I never had resentments until I came to Alcoholics Anonymous. And one of my early resentments here was I heard you talk about your first drink. And you talked about taking the drink. And you talked about feeling the warmth in your mouth. And you somehow magically felt it go down your throat. And you felt it as it hit your stomach and it exploded. It went to your fingernails and your toenails and your pimples fell off. And you lost some weight. And you grew a few inches taller. And you became Prince Charles and Lady Di. And wonderful things happened to you. And that wasn't the case for me. I had my first drink of alcohol. And absolutely nothing happened to me for about 15 minutes. And at the end of the 15 minutes the only thing that happened to me was that I had to go to the bathroom. And it's my belief tonight that if I were to drink a quart of anything in about 15 minutes I would have to go to the bathroom. And we were camped at the beach. I got out of the tent. And I kind of shuffled down to the outhouse. And I went in and went to the bathroom. And when I got done and went to get up. I realized I was absolutely and totally 100% paralyzed to the toilet seat. I couldn't blink. I didn't feel my heart beating. And I was overcome with a sense of fear. And of course the fear was that somebody else was going to have to come use that outhouse. And there I was paralyzed to the toilet seat. And later in my drinking I did discover that two people can use the same toilet at the same time. . If the second person is very careful about what they're doing. But I didn't know that at 13 so I sat there. And I somehow intuitively knew that the body was made up of energy. And I somehow figured if I could gather my energy I would be alright. And so I suppose it was my first formal meditation. I sat and I gathered my energy. And when my energy seemed to be all in one place. When it seemed to be all centrally located. I just sort of fell off the toilet. Out the door. Into the sand. And started crawling back to the tent. Since coming to Alcoholics Anonymous I've discovered that my entire problem that night was my attitude. If my attitude would have been right I could have had a fantasy. I was in the Marines. I was being dive bombed as I was trying to get back to safety. And if my attitude would have been right it could have been a wonderful experience. In my own defense I need to tell you my pants were still down at my ankles. I had started to get sick. I couldn't quite get through it. I couldn't get around it. And I think under those circumstances it was a little difficult to have a good attitude. I did somehow manage to get back to the tent. I fell in and I passed out. And when I came to in the morning I realized nobody was in the tent with me. And I couldn't figure out where they went until my eyes cleared enough that I realized I'd been sick all night long. I'd hit the top of the tent. The side of the tent. The floor of the tent. And quite frankly I didn't want to be in the tent either. So I got out of there. And that was my first drink of alcohol. And it was the most... marvelous, incredible, fabulous, magnificent, wonderful spiritual experience I'd ever had. And it must have been because I put some amount of alcohol into my body from that day until the day I came through the doors of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I didn't always get drunk. And I didn't always drink the kinds of things that you would classify as a beverage. I drank a lot of mouthwash. I drank a lot of vanilla extract. I drank a lot of perfume. Taboo became my after dinner drink of choice. I still, I'll tell you right now, if you're wearing it, I may follow you too closely and laugh at your neck. I can't, I still, I still have a weakness. I'm often tempted to, when I do this, to just sort of introduce myself and say I'm Patty and I'm a pig. Because I drank shots, snorted, shoved, crammed, smoked, rammed, anything in me that made me feel different than how I felt. But I love alcohol. Alcohol is my drug of choice. I love alcohol. And what drug of choice means for me is if there's some Jack Daniels here, some Valium, some cocaine, some marijuana, some stuff. Drug of choice means I drink the Jack Daniels first. And then I do everything else. I know that this is unusual. I don't know. I don't know that I'm, and how would I know, really? I became a bar drinker. I was a living room drinker, dumpster drinker, an alley drinker, a bedroom drinker, an office drinker. I didn't really specialize. I just drank. But I became a bar drinker. I love sleazy bars. You probably don't have any in Lancaster. But I love, I love those bars that have sawdust on the floor. The mirrors are cracked. The upholstery around the bar is ripped where people try to hold on as they're falling off. They're, they're full of smoke. They have that wonderful used booze urine smell that I, I still sometimes at 6 a.m. will just walk by and open the door of one of those places just to get a hit of that. I like that smell so well. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. But, you know, in recovery, I'm fascinated in retrospect by the quality of people who drank in those places. I mean, there were neurosurgeons in there. There were CEOs of big companies. There were bank presidents. There were admirals in the Air Force. conversations like, well, what do you prefer, the red mouthwash or the green? Well, what's your preference, Chantilly or Aqua Velva? I mean, we weren't having, we weren't having those kinds of conversations, so it doesn't occur to me that I'm living any different than anybody else. I don't have a clue. My perspective is just, it's a perspective thing. I think that everything's fine, thank you. I don't have a clue that I'm living any different than anybody else. I think I drink if I want to drink. I don't know that I don't have a choice. I don't know that at 13 years old I put alcohol into an alcoholic body and from that day on I have no choice. And it's still a perspective thing. I have this pager. I used to wear my garage door opener so that I looked important, but now I have like a real pager. And at lunch today I got paged from work, and so I had to call, and this phone out here is out of order, so I asked one of the security guys. I like those security guys. I like those security guys. I like those security guys. I like those security hats. I want one. I figure if I'm wearing one, maybe I'll be secure. But the phone's out of order, so the security guy says, go out the back door into the watch and wage or something building over there, and there's a pay phone right there. So I'm like, okay. And I, well, my heart stopped when I walked in. It's like gambling and racing. It's a wonder I came back. But I find the, I get the phone. I have to call Collect, and so, and it's automated. It's an automated Collect call thing. And so I do the thing, and it's ringing, and it rings, and the person who answered the phone on the other end gets the automated, we have a Collect call from, and then my voice, Patty O. And her, what she thought, oh, my God, she's in jail. I mean, that's what, that's what she thought when she got, oh, my God, it's a perception thing. And then, of course, I'm talking, and there's like this horse race going on, a convention. I said, I am. This is the Al-Anon meeting. It's always been a perception thing. I had an opportunity to go. I went to college, and I did very well there. I'm a chronic, hopeless, helpless alcoholic. I don't know what I think because I want to drink. I don't know that I don't have a choice. I graduated from San Diego State with a 3.8 grade point average. Chronic, hopeless, helpless alcoholic. I test well. And I stayed and took classes for a master's degree because I'm one of those people, if I'm doing something well, I want to keep doing it. I apparently do school well. And so I stayed in school, and I took the classes for a master's degree. I didn't finish a degree. Because I had to take oral exams, and I just wasn't up to it. I got offered a job in Chico, which is about as far away from San Diego as you can get and still be in California. I took the job. I loaded up my car, put everything I owned in my car. I took two cases of beer, two bottles of booze, and I headed north. I got 66 miles north of San Diego. I was out of booze, and I was thirsty. I pulled off the freeway. I have a sense I can find the sleuthiest bar in town without even looking for it. Pulled into the parking lot of this place. I walked in. It was full of smoke. It had that wonderful smell. Willie Nelson was singing on the jukebox, and I knew I was home. And that's as far north as I ever got. Sixty-six miles from where I started from. Alcohol had become my mother, my father, my God, my lover, my friend, my companion, my support. And at some point it had turned. I think it was in the middle of my first drink, but at some point it had turned, and it began to strip me of self-esteem, self-worth, dignity, integrity, decency, honesty, pride, all the things we have going for us as human beings. Alcohol controlled where I would live and where I would work. And I didn't have a clue. I thought I drank because I wanted to drink. I didn't know that I didn't have a choice. Sixty-six miles north of where I started from is as far as I ever got. I got a job in the profession of my choice. I rose very quickly to the top, and that almost killed me in Alcoholics Anonymous. Because when I got here, I told you I was too successful to be an alcoholic. I was too smart. Nobody with a 3.8 grade point average could possibly be an alcoholic. I was too successful. I was in the newspaper business and... and declared myself an alcoholic. And because I know the day, because God had given me a gift, then I thought I was just damn good at what I did. I had trophies and plaques that said I was good at what I did. And I told you about the trophies and plaques. I told you about the big oak desk I sat behind. What I didn't tell you about was the times that I would come out of a blackout standing at a podium much like this holding an award, not knowing if I was giving it or receiving it. And so I would say thank you, and I would go sit down. And somebody would elbow me and tell me I was presenting it to the Junior Women's League. And I'd have to get up and start over again and and I didn't tell you about that and and I didn't tell you about the blackouts I said blackouts never bothered me what bothered me is where am I but the blackouts heart didn't bother me and I love my favorite place to come out of a blackout was Las Vegas come out of a blackout Las Vegas you just look down at the table it tells you where you are you know and remember one time I came out of a blackout and at a blackjack table in Las Vegas four queens okay thank you and I'm as I'm sitting there this man next to me is elbowing me saying take a card take a card and I looked and it was my father and I'm thinking oh my god I hope I didn't come to Las Vegas with my father I can't ask him did I come to Las Vegas with you I took a card and I'm kind of playing cards and I'm hoping somebody's gonna see you know you hope somebody's gonna say something pretty soon some women I knew walked up and said to me are you ready to go and I said yeah but I thought go where and we went to where we were saying thank God I had come with them I hadn't come with my father was the coincidence the game out of a blackout sitting next to him and I did this day I think he was still in the blackout tell you about that stuff I told you about the trophies in the parks I told you I was too successful I was too smart and I was way too young I was only 26 years old and then 26 was young to come into alcohol he's pretty old now but but it was young to come into alcohol everybody was old when I came in here but I was old as I am now. I mean, they were really, really, and I was way too young. And thank God for the old-timers, because you let me stay, even for all the reasons I had, why I didn't belong here, you let me stay. You see, because I had arrived here as a result of my 12th drunk driving assault charge. And another resentment I got in Alcoholics Anonymous, I found out you can get arrested for a single charge of drunk driving. I never knew that. I always got drunk driving assault, and it had something to do with how I got out of the car. I would be minding my own business, driving home, and the light would come on behind me, and I'll pull over, and the officer comes up to the car, and the first thing I try to do is knock his private parts off with the door. Men are really touchy about their private parts. I'm looking at him, and I'm thinking, one of him, one of me. One of him, one of me, this looks like a fair fight. One of him, one of me, I think I can take him. One of him, one of me, I think I'll try. And I come out of the car, and I go at him. I never remember that he has a friend with him. And the friend has a radio. And the friend calls him friend. And pretty soon, it's him and the friend and six other friends. And I'm thinking, six of them, one of me, this isn't fair anymore. And I kind of smile and say, uncle. And the next time the light comes on, the policeman walks up. I try and get his private parts. I look at him, and I think, one of him, one of me, it looks like a fair fight. One of him, one of me, I think I can take him. One of him, one of me, I think I'll take him. I look at him, and I try. The next morning, I get up in the car and I look at him, and I say, uncle, I don't think I can take him. I don't think he's a big problem. him one of me I think I'll try and I come out and I go at him forget about the friend forget about the radio forget about the pals he's going to call in next thing I know it's fixing him one of me it's not fair anymore but the next time the light comes on an officer comes up I try and knock his private part thing one of him one of me I think I'll take him I think I can I think I'll try and I go for him and that's the insanity of my disease the insanity of my disease is I do the same thing over and over and over I never remember the friend I never remember the radio I think it's going to be different this time that's the insanity of my disease I've been restored to sanity I about one time and I learned something now I like to wear silk I like to wear it because I like to touch myself but um I mean probably probably more about me than you need to know but arms and you know I mean if you're going to bounce around up here anyway you might as well have to do it again you know something and one night I was I was I had silk on and I was like fooling around and I had my lighter in my pocket and I don't somehow the lighter ignited and um silky nights really quickly I don't know if you've ever if you've ever burned it but it's it goes up fast and I have CPR first aid training so I know when you start yourself on fire it's stop drop and roll and I'm starting myself on fire and I stop dropped and rolled of course I'm a compulsive talker so I took the microphone with me as I as I went down and kind of rolled myself out behind the podium never missed a word of my story stood back up and put the microphone back and kept talking and not one person in the meeting came to see if I was okay as I was rolling around back there but you know what I have not had a lighter on my person since that night I no longer have a lighter in my I only need to do it once today and I learned I've been restored to sanity um one time I was um I always had bad car karma when I drank I always got the car I had cars that were lemons I was really cars and me were not a good combination walking in me was the worst combination but cars and me was not good and one night I you know and I'm in the newspaper but the only reason I drank really and and you'll understand I'm not a good car karma I'm not a good car karma I'm not a good car karma I'm not a good car karma this the really the only reason I drank is because I was in the newspaper business and you have to go to the bar because that's where the leads were that's where the stories were that's where and I got a lot of leads and from the bars but I had to write the notes on those little napkins and then the glasses sweat and the ink would run and you couldn't read it the next day so then you'd have to go back to the bar the next night and and that's really the only reason I was in the bar every night till two it was work-related I remember one time I wrote this really huge expose I exposed one of the local school district superintendent for how married man with several children having an extracurricular marital affair exposed the whole thing forgot the whole time I was the woman he was having the affair with I leave the bar you know and I'm tired and I've been working all day working at the bar getting the leads getting the stories and I'm bar closes and I finally can go home and I'm driving home and I turn onto my street and as I turn onto my street the power steering went out of my car and I slammed into this car parked on the left-hand side of the street and and I panicked and I turned the wheel a little to the right and slammed into a car parked on the right and slammed into one on the left and I'm I was just trying to get back to the center of the street but my steering's out so I kept like hitting these cars all I finally turned into my driveway and I remember just being so grateful that I had gotten home safely I was like oh and I sat there for a moment I finally got out of the car and I went in the house I was in the house for just a couple minutes and the doorbell rang and I thought it's 20 after two who's visiting me now I mean Jesus I go open the door it's the Orange County Sheriff I don't what do you want and he wanted me to come out to my backyard and I did and I'm trying to tell him about my car but I guess he wasn't mechanical you want to know about my car he points down the street at all these cars that are just smashed all along and I said yeah this and it isn't it fabulous I don't know I'll leave it for her tomorrow I got home safely. And he opens the back door of his car. Now I have a reputation as a violent drunk, only I don't know it. I think I'm a sweet gal. I don't know I have a reputation as a violent drunk. And I get in the car and he shackles my ankles and he cuffs my hands behind my back and he starts taking me for a ride. I don't have time to go for a ride. I have to go to sleep. I have to get up and go to work. This is not, I don't have time for this. And I'm trying to tell him, he's not listening. And I don't know where we're going. Next thing I know we're on the freeway. And we're driving up the freeway in Orange County. Our sheriffs have like a metal fence between the front seat and the back. I don't know why, but there's like this metal fence there. And we're driving up the freeway and the devil flew into me. And I don't know if the devil ever flew into you, but the devil flew into me that night. And I just kind of honked up this big one. And I just spit right on the back of my head. And I suppose it annoyed him a little because he sped up and he was going really fast. And when the speedometer hit a hundred miles an hour, he slammed on the brakes. And because my ankles are shackled and my hands are cuffed behind my back and I couldn't break the fall, I went face forward into that metal grate and I broke my glasses and there was blood and it was a mess. And I remember that night when they were taking my mugshot, they kept referring to me as waffle face because I had a donut. I was over and over. And I never got it. It never occurred to me it had anything to do with alcohol. It was you and they and them. It was the cops. It was circumstances and conditions. It was a lot of things that never occurred to me that had anything to do with alcohol. And after the 12th drunk driving assault, I stood before a judge in Orange county and because of my past record, he was sent to me to 10 years in prison. And um, I've done jail, I know how to do jail. There's more alcohol and drugs inside the institution than there is less. There is more activities. And because I ain't社 летu altro, alioptico. All this Anthony Financio was in my health unit. I don't know how to say it honestly, because craziness and all these combat früh, than there are some days on the street you just have to know what to do who to do it to and be willing to go to any lengths and always was but I was 26 years old that morning standing in that courtroom drunk I had what I know today is a moment of clarity because I knew if I went to jail one more time I would either die in the institution or I'd become institutionalized for life and I didn't know why I knew it that morning but I knew it as clear as I knew anything else and I became willing to go to any lengths to stay out of jail and the judge offered me an alternative and part of that alternative was meetings with Alcoholics Anonymous and and I wish I could tell you I came here I looked at the 12 steps I knew there was a solution to the problems in my life I worked them all in the first week and skyrocketed to recovery and uh sometimes when I'm out of state I do tell that story but um but that isn't my story I left that courtroom and I drank for three more months in retrospect I can tell you that I drank with a sense of urgency and a desperation that I had never known I I didn't drink a greater quantity physically would have been impossible to drink a greater quantity of alcohol but I drank with a sense of urgency and a desperation that I had never known and on October 4th 1975 the day before us to go back to court to tell the judge what it was I was doing what the alternative he gave me on that day I came to my first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous and I didn't know what ANA was I thought it was something like the PTA or parents without partners and uh well a lot of days it is but know what you people were going to do to me or for me as far as I know I never heard the words Alcoholics Anonymous I and I didn't know what to expect here and the first meeting I went to was a speaker meeting and was about the size of this of this meeting tonight and I can't tell you who the speaker was but I heard two things I heard we don't drink between meetings I quickly looked around the room and I didn't see any of you drinking during the meeting and I thought if you don't drink during the meeting and you don't drink between the meetings when do you drink this made me really nervous and I could not figure out why the judge sent me to a place where people didn't drink I would have understood if you sent me to your school as well I would have understood if you sent me to your school as well I was safe driving I didn't understand why he sent me to a place where people didn't drink and the other thing that I heard was that the answers were in the book Alcoholics Anonymous so after the meeting I stole the book I mean God knows I need to have the answers and I can't tell you how irritated I was when I got home because not only could I not find the answers in this book I couldn't even find the questions and I thought oh dear God I've stolen the wrong book and I'm gonna have to go back and get the right one and and I'm a thief I don't know I'm a thief I have to wait a while to find out I'm a thief my sponsor told me I'm a thief I think I think it's really important to have a sponsor it's critical to have a sponsor it's not as emotionally involved in your life as you are it irritates me it sé me a lot but I but it's really important because because their perspective of your life is different my sponsor had to tell me I'm a thief I'm in the bar drinking the bar closes I find some keys on the bar I pick them up I find the car that they fit and I drive myself home Courtney my sponsor in the San Diego police station会 San Diego police think this is grand theft auto. I think it's alternative transportation. I mean, I just need to get home. I come to your house, I pick up a few things. I think it's shopping. My sponsor thinks it's burglary. Somebody had a different perspective, and she had to tell me I'm a thief, and it's humiliating for a thief to have stolen the wrong book. But I came back to Alcoholics Anonymous. Four days later, I came back to Alcoholics Anonymous to get the answer book. And I don't think it matters what brings you back. I think what's important is that you come back. I came back to get the answer book. And that second meeting was a small discussion meeting, and that meeting I heard, if you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it. And I looked around the room, and I looked around the room, and I looked around the room, and I could not figure out what it was you had that was so hot that I should be willing to go to any length to get it. I mean, look at the person next to you. Some of you had nice jewelry. If your rings were loose at the end of the meeting during the Lord's Prayer, they were mine. Some of you have nice cars. I have a record for Grand Theft Auto. I know how to get those. Some of you have nice spouses. We all know how to get those. We don't keep them well, but we know how to get them. And I couldn't figure out what it was you had, and then I saw him. And I truly believe there's a hymn for each of us. This guy was a skinny little fellow. He was bald-headed. He wore baggy pants, not like the kids do today. I don't know if there's any. I don't get the pants today. I mean, I work with teenagers. These kids wear their pants so big, they can put four of their closest friends in their pants. And I'm forever telling them, if this building starts on fire, you're going to get out your pants or not. I don't... His pants weren't quite that baggy, but they were baggy. And he had tennis shoes on with no shoelaces, but the holes were there where they should have been. And he nodded out during the meeting. And I thought, if I have to do this thing and not drink, I'm going to do it his way. Because, see, I figured folks who shoot heroin nod out. And I could probably not drink between meetings if I could shoot a little heroin. So the next day, I snuck down to his office, and I said, Dick, I have to do this thing called Alcoholics Anonymous to stay out of jail. And I don't know how to do it. And he told me if I would go to meetings and read the book and talk to other alcoholics and not drink, he said, I guarantee you won't get drunk. And if you don't get drunk, your life will get different. And I'm grateful he told it to me that way. He didn't tell me my life would get better. He didn't tell me my job life would get better, my finances would get better, my relationships would get better, my family life would get better, my sex life would get better. He didn't tell me any of it would get better, and I'm grateful, because none of it has. So little hope for the newcomer. But it's all gotten different. And as I speak to people, I'm going to tell you from the top of my head to the tip of my toes, I have never had it so good. See, I don't know good or bad for me. I'm going through something I think is good for me, and it generally turns out to be bad for me. I'm going through something I think is bad for me, and it generally turns out to be good for me. And I don't know good from bad for me. I've gone through times in my sobriety where my entire life has fallen apart. And I'm probably going through one now. I've gone through times where I have lost jobs. I have lost relationships. I've lost money. I've lost things that I've worked for. And it seemed to me that God brought me this far, and then sort of took off to help one of you. And left me. And I didn't drink, and I didn't die. And I didn't drink, and I didn't die. And I got far enough beyond it to see that every time I have thought my life was falling apart, what was really happening is it was falling together. And it's had to be exactly that way for God to move me. You see, I don't know good from bad for me. God seems to work in mysterious ways in my life. And things often have to be removed in order for something else to be put in to fill it, to take its place. I often have to lose something in order to see the next door that's open. Left to my own devices, I will spend my life with blinders on. And I don't see anything over here. I only see what's right in front of me. Left to my own devices, I continue to struggle. And I don't see anything over here. I only see what's right in front of me. And I don't see anything over here. I only see what's right in front of me. And I only see what's right in front of me. I only see what's right in front of me. And that's all that God can do in my life. And I think that's what God can do in my life to give me the strength to change myself. And so my job, it seems to me, is to not drink, to show up and live life to the fullest, and to kick and to scream and to cry and to rant and to rave when I need to do that, and not drink and not die, and in retrospect to see how God's plan has unfolded so magnificently in my life. I often hear people say, you know, I don't deserve this. Or I deserve that. Or I deserve something else. I know what I deserve. I deserve two days in the electric chair. That's what I deserve. But there's a God that has a plan for me beyond my wildest imagination. But I, you know what, I believed that old man that day, and I don't know why I believed him. I hadn't believed a human being in a very long time, but I believed him. I was later to discover that he had been sober longer than I had been alive. And the reason he was able to nod out in meetings is he had something inside that I didn't have a clue as to what it was. He had a peace and a rightness inside that I had absolutely no idea about. But I believed him. So I already had the books every night. I'd open it to chapter three and I'd read the line. Most of us aren't willing to admit we are real alcoholics. I'd say amen and close the book. And that was reading the book. I'd get on to the Canyon Club in Laguna Beach where they have AA meetings. I'd have a cup of coffee on the way out. I'd say hi, Jim, to the manager. He'd say hi, Patty. And that was talking to another alcoholic. My court program said I had to go to two meetings a week. I thought that was really obsessive. But I was willing to go to any lengths to stay out of jail. So I went to the two meetings a week that my court program said I had to go to. And the only thing I did right is I didn't drink and I didn't use. And I didn't drink and I didn't drink and I didn't drink. And it took eight and a half months of not drinking for me to get far enough away from my last drink to see the evidence of my alcoholism. You all saw it when I came in. It was piled this high. But you gave me the dignity to do what I had to do for as long as I had to do it until I got far enough away from my last drink to see the evidence of my alcoholism. And for me, it was a lot of work. And I was willing to go to the court. And for me, it was eight and a half months. Eight and a half months of sitting with you and not drinking. Something happened to me that I pray happens to everybody who walks through the doors of Alcoholics Anonymous. Eight and a half months of not drinking and not recovering drove me to my knees. The pain of not drinking and not recovering drove me to my knees and on my knees. I took the first step in recovery in Alcoholics Anonymous. I realized that it was powerless. That whenever I drink alcohol, I'm damned to continue to live the same way day after day. I'm damned to continue to live the same way day after day. I'm damned to continue to live the same way day after day. When I drink alcohol, I have no choices. When I drink alcohol, alcohol takes over my life. What's going to happen in my life, what I'm going to do and how it's going to unfold, I have no choices. And my life had become unmanageable. I have a lot of successes in my life. All of my successes have been fueled by alcohol. And all of my failures have been fueled by alcohol. My life had become unmanageable. And I was powerless. Whenever I do battle with alcohol, I lose. Whether I'm fighting it because I'm drinking it or I'm fighting it because you're drinking it. Whenever I get into the ring with alcohol, I lose. I have a son as a direct result of my alcoholism. I never wanted to be a mother. I found out that is not adequate birth control. My son was 11 months old when I got sober and I brought him to Alcoholics Anonymous with me. I love seeing children in meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous. I believe they had the worst of our disease and I believe they deserve the best of our recovery and it begins here. I brought my son with me and you would take him and you would hold him and you would, whatever you did with him. And you taught him how to love and you taught him how to be kind and you taught him how to be considerate and compassionate. I couldn't teach him those things I didn't know. You also taught him how to con and manipulate. I guess you have to take the good with the bad. But my son grew up here with you. And when he was in his teens, I started getting concerned comments from friends. They thought maybe Patrick was smoking a little marijuana. I said, oh no, it can't be possible. He's been raised in Alcoholics Anonymous. I got calls from school that his grades were slipping. I said, well, you know what? He's probably one of those kids that an education is not important. When he's in his early twenties, it'll be a little more important. My roommate found a bag of marijuana in his bedroom under a mattress. I don't know why she was looking there. And she brought it to me and said she found it in his room. And out of my mouth, I said, it probably belongs to one of his friends. I have a disease that manifests itself in justification, rationalization, and denial. And it manifested for me and it manifested for you. And I was in the ring doing battle. And my son came home one night. God will do for me what I cannot do for myself. God won't do for me what I can do for myself. God will not send me money in the mail because I'm capable of working. But God will do for me what I cannot do for myself. I'm a single parent. I've been a single parent his entire life. One day, just before he was 18 years old, he came in the house. The bags under his eyes are about to his knees by this time. And I stood up from the couch and out of my mouth came some words that I would never have said to my son. God did for me what I could not do because I was in the ring and I was doing battle and I was losing. I looked at my son and I said, are you loaded? I would have never asked him that question. And he didn't miss a beat. He said, no, I'm just tired. He had heard me making excuses day after day after day after day. No, I'm just tired. I said, we know what if you're tired, you need to come home before 1230. And you have to make a choice. You can either smoke dope or you can live in my house, but you can't do both. And my son went into his bedroom and 10 minutes later, he came back with a backpack over his shoulder and he made a choice. Intellectually, I understand the choice. I have made that choice. I have made that choice. I have made that choice. I have made that choice over and over and over. I have given up everything for one more drink. I have pushed everyone out of my life for one more drink. I have made that choice on a daily basis. The only thing I've ever wanted to do since I was in the fourth grade was be a writer. I had an opportunity to go into that profession and I gave it up for one more drink. I drank myself out of my profession and choice. I've given it all up for one more drink. Intellectually, I understood the choice, but when my son made the choice and walked out of my house, my heart broke. And thank God for the training I've had in alcoholism. I've had the opportunity to do what I love. I've had the opportunity to do what I love. I've had the opportunity to do what I love. I've had the opportunity to do what I love. I've had the opportunity to do what I love. I've had the opportunity to do what you taught me. It's about what can I do for you. How can I be of service to you? And in showing up and taking right actions a day at a time, that pain that I felt was still not gone. My son never did move back home for a while. He lived in his van in my driveway, but he didn't... But you know what? I know we're all God's kids. It irritates me sometimes because I've always wanted to be an only child, but God has a plan for my son that's exactly the same as he had a plan for me. And my son knows where you are if he needs you. And I have a different kind of relationship with him today. And he knows where you are. But whenever I do battle, I lose. Whenever I fight it, I lose. And that's my powerlessness and that's my unmanageability. For me, and I'm going to talk about the steps for a minute because that's what happened for me. What it was like, what happened. There's no way to get from where I was to where I am tonight except through the power and the magic of the 12 steps to recovery. So that's what happened for me. And this is just my experience with the steps. If you have a different experience, talk to your sponsor after the meeting. Somebody one night tried to tell me I didn't have my experience. It confused me for about a week and a half. Once in a while, I hear us tell newcomers, don't think. I don't know how you do that. I think all the time. I'm talking to you. I'm thinking about something else. Then I start thinking about the fact that I'm thinking. Then I start thinking I shouldn't be thinking what I'm thinking while I'm thinking what I'm thinking. Then I shouldn't be thinking while I'm thinking what I'm thinking. And I'm thinking about something else. Quite frankly, I'm grateful I don't have a loudspeaker on my head so that everything I thought came barreling out. I mean, that would be truly humiliating. But what I found is that my thinking is just a little bit skewed from the rest of the world. And that's my insanity. My insanity is that I think if I do it, it's going to be different. I'll do it the same way, but it'll be different. I have a thought. I take an action. And I have no idea what the results are going to be. And what I came to believe in step two was that somehow my thinking, my thinking would be in line with the rest of the world. And for me, and this is just for me, the power greater than myself was not God. For me. I'm a loner by nature. Left to my own devices, I prefer to sit on my couch. I have one social skill. I used it today about 9.30 this morning. I'm fresh out. The most difficult thing I do is be with you. Left to my own devices, I prefer, I like fishing, throwing and reeling, throwing and, I don't like catching. Because then you have to touch the fish, but I like to do, by myself, I like to read. I just, I like to be, I'm a loner. You know if you're a loner if you don't like AA potlucks. That's usually the indicator, but. So if I had come to believe that God was going to do this, I would have sat on my couch. God would have flown over, sprinkled me with sanity, taken off to wherever it is God hangs out. And that would have been the end of it. I'd have been on my couch tonight. So for me, I had to come to believe that the power greater than myself was the action of the steps. That somehow through taking the action of the steps, I would be restored to right thinking. I have always tried to think my way into right living. It never worked for me. Because the steps work, I've been able to act my way into right thinking. I have a thought every, I'm an alcoholic, every once in a while I have a thought a drink would be nice. I usually think about this big a drink. A drink would be nice. When I have that thought, I don't have to beat myself up, I don't have to run the tape, this is your lousy member of Alcoholics Anonymous. I have that thought. I clap. I say thank you for your participation. I just go about whatever it is that I'm doing. And I can have the thought without taking an action on it. And that's what I came to believe would happen. And gratefully that's happened for me. Step three, I hear people talking about having difficulty with step three. You say to them, what step are you on? Well, I'm on the third step. I'm working on making, turning my will and my life over to the care of God. Well, you know, I'm on the third step. Every day I get up, I turn my will and my life over to the care of God. But by about noon, I take it back. Well, I'm on the third step. I'm turning my will and my life over to the care of God, except for my sex and finances, because I don't want to be born celibate. And I pretty much stay away from those people. But I was coming up here tonight, and I'm down there on the Sierra Highway Road. And I'm driving up the road, and I'm coming to I Avenue, and I've got to make a decision, turn right, turn left, or go straight. Well, coming up, I've got to turn right to get here, so I make a decision to turn right, and I went right to the intersection. So I made a U-turn, and I'm coming back toward I Avenue, and I have to make a decision, turn right, turn left, or go straight. Well, I'm on the third step. Now to get here, I've got to turn left, so I make a decision to turn left, and I went straight through the intersection. And I made another U-turn, and I've got to make a decision, I make a decision to turn right, and I went through the intersection. And I make another U-turn, and I've got to make a decision, I've got to turn left, I've got to make a decision to turn left, and I did this with the steering wheel. If I had never taken an action, I'd still be making U-turns up and down the highway. All step three says is make a decision. Okay, here's the decision. You get to be a chronic hopeless woman. Helpless, helpless alcoholic, drinking alcohol on a daily basis, urinating in places that you don't want to urinate in, sleeping with people you don't want to sleep with, coming out of the black house in places you don't know where you are, living in incomprehensible demoralization, living with despair, living with that constant fear. Or you can believe the people in Alcoholics Anonymous, and you can have the hope that this is going to work for you. Make a decision. Which do you want? Pig hope, pig hope. Decision is not difficult. The hard part is taking an action to implement it. The book says that although our decision was vital, it had very little permanent effect unless immediately followed by action. The decision is simple. The action becomes difficult. I looked at the fourth step and I thought it was for those of you who weren't writers. I'm a trained writer. I don't need to do it. Those of you with no creative writing skills, however, probably need to do a fourth step. And I didn't do it. And I didn't do it. And then suddenly the pain of being with you was overwhelming. I sat in the middle of you and felt isolated and alone. I felt different and unique. I knew there was no sense sharing. You weren't going to see it anyway. And I left in more pain than I'd come in with. And I did that night after night after night until the pain of being with you was so great I knew I had to leave Alcoholics Anonymous. I couldn't be here in the kind of pain that I was in. On the way out the door that night I had one of my thoughts. And the thought was, before you leave, why don't you try doing the fourth step? So I went home and I did my fourth step. I went home and I did my inventory the way this book says to do it. I made the little column. I wrote down everybody I resented, which basically turned out to be everybody who breathed air that I thought should have been mine. I wrote in the next column what they did to me. Well, I wanted to tell you all my life what they did to me. I was really sorry I waited this long. It was really kind of fun. In the third column, how it affected me. Well, it affected my self-esteem, my self-worth, my integrity. Well, no wonder I drank. If all these people did all these things to you, you'd have drank too. Well, you did. But I was really having fun, and then in my zealousness, I accidentally turned the page of the big book. And two pages after it shows the diagram, it's hidden in the body of the text. It says, putting out of our minds the wrongs others had done, we looked at what our part was. Well, now it wasn't any fun anymore, but I did that. I made that column, and I did that with my resentments, my fears, and my relationships. And for the first time in my entire life, I saw who Patio was. It wasn't that kid from the picnic that Sunday that was putting on the shirt. It was Patio. It was Patio. It wasn't the show. It wasn't the show that I had put on that I had come to believe. I saw for the first time who I was. And then I looked at the fifth step, and I thought it was very, very nice. I was raised Catholic. I thought it was for those of you who weren't raised Catholic. Those of us who are Catholic know about confession. We know it doesn't work. And I figured the rest of you needed to have the same experience, and so I didn't need to do it. And I put my fourth step in the trunk of my car. I didn't want anybody to find it. And I drove around with a continual sense of impending doom. And of course, the fear was I was going to get rear-ended on the freeway, my trunk would fly open, my fourth step would be everywhere, and I have to tell you how anal retentive I am. I wrote my name first and last on every page of that fourth step. Then one night I was in Los Angeles visiting a friend of mine, and we were talking. And as we were talking, I realized I was doing the fifth step, and I thought, well, if I'm going to do it, I'm going to do it right. I went to my car, and I got my fourth step, and I went in, and I did my fifth step with fear. I had spent my whole life, as a small child, I remember my parents telling me they loved me. My parents told me we were raised with love. Any more of their love and I'd have died. Their love was physically, emotionally, and spiritually abusive. And as a small child, I came to learn that if you loved me, you hurt me, and if I loved you, I would hurt you. And I didn't want to be hurt anymore. I made a decision to never love, and I began to build a wall to keep you out. And the wall I built to keep you out worked really well. It kept you out. You couldn't get close to me. You couldn't disappoint me. You couldn't let me down. You couldn't hurt me. You couldn't get close. What I didn't know about the wall is it made me a prisoner inside. I lived behind that wall in isolation and loneliness, and I didn't have a clue. When I did my fifth step that night, that wall didn't fall down. One brick came out of that wall. And every time I have shared with another alcoholic, another brick has come out of the wall. Until tonight, I have no brick wall between me and you. I have a styrofoam thing, but... . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . between me and you and you see I thought if I worked the steps really hard if I worked this program with a lot of passion if I did this really really well really really good enough that I would somehow skyrocket above humanness into kind of wonder woman zone and I would never be afraid again I would never be insecure I would never feel inadequate and the truth is in working this program I have come into my humanness I hear people say if you have faith you don't have fear I think that's caca I have a tremendous amount of faith but because I'm human I have fear I have insecurities I have self-doubt today those things don't immobilize me they don't paralyze me and I don't have to take a drink to make them go away I come here and I get some courage from you and I get some strength from you and I get the courage and strength from you that I need to walk through those fears and to show up and to live life with my humanness not in spite of my humanness I've been in the same field now for about 16 years and I'm really really good at what I do for a living I'm doing something I never wanted to do ever wanted to do but I wasn't paying attention to my life as God was opening the doors and because I wasn't paying attention I was just kind of walking through the doors and so I ended up in this field that I never wanted to be in and I panicked I called my sponsor I said gee what did God what do you think what what do you think God wants me to do she said honey I think God wants you to go to work and for 16 years I'm waiting to find out what God really wants me to do for a living this can't possibly be it but um but sometimes you know I'm driving to work and I have that thought oh my god today's the day they're going to call me into the office they're going to say Patty we didn't mean to hire you we made a horrible mistake we meant to hire that other patio and see that used to happen to me when I drank I would have that thought today's the day they're going to fire you and when I drank and I had that thought I'd get really angry and I'd start cussing them out in my car to myself as I'm driving and what a bunch of lame brain nincompoops they are that isn't what I said but I'm trying to clean it up and I'd pull into a parking lot of a bar and I'd go in and tell the parking the bartender about the idiot that I used to work for as I ordered a drink and took the drink and told him about the business that was going to crumble they were going to be in bankruptcy because they no longer had because they fired me they no longer and I'd order another drink and I'd rant and I'd rave and I'd carry on and I'd have enough I never worked to get fired but I had that thought today I have that thought and I called my sponsor and I I don't know why when it was when it was her problem it was always very serious my problem she'd laugh about up and she'd laugh and I said well what am I going to do she'd say honey just go ahead and go to work and when they fire you call me back oh okay and I go to work and I still get fired but that insecurity that self-doubt that that's part of my humanness but you give me the courage you give me the strength I don't have to pull into a bar and have a drink step six and seven for me is the miracle of Alcoholics Anonymous we tell new people don't leave before the miracle happens and we don't tell them what the miracle is the miracle for me was step six and seven I went home from doing my fifth fifth step and accidentally opened the book to that part where it talks about step six and seven kind of got low-key and I said well I'm going to read it and when I became aware of what I was reading I was in the middle of the seven step prayer when I became aware of what I was reading those words took the longest journey anything ever takes from my head to my heart and when I became aware I knew that I believed it and I read that prayer and the thing that it says in the book happened to me I walked through the archway to freedom I walked away from the person I had been all of my life to start to become the person God intended for me to be the best I've ever described myself when I came here I was an animal with latent human tendencies that's what walked through the doors of Alcoholics Anonymous because because the steps work because you've been willing to share with me I've become very kind very loving very gentle very caring very nurturing of course now they're telling me it's codependency and I have to recover from it but um I love the person who I am I love the person I'm tempted to write a book women who love themselves too much I and that's the miracle for me and I think too many people leave before they give themselves that chance too many people leave before they give themselves an opportunity to become the person God intended for you to be steps eight and nine for me are conventional ways of getting rid of conventional guilt I felt guilty because I wasn't guilty I did a lot of things to a lot of people for one more drink I felt guilty because I was guilty I had this master I had a lot of unfinished business my sponsor kind of got her little Chihuahua teeth into my unfinished business she got really concerned with my unfinished business she wanted me to finish my unfinished business and one of the things she really got hooked on with this master's degree she wanted me to finish it I don't want to finish it I've dragged myself out of my perfectionist choice to this day I cannot work in that field in Orange County I don't need the stupid degree what's the point and she was like you know how they are so to shut her up which is mostly why I do anything to shut her up I call San Diego State I know I'm going to have to take classes and it's going to it's going to be a nightmare I don't have time and I'm a chronic malcontent and a complainer and I'm complaining about the whole thing and I call up and I get this admissions clerk and I I want to tell her about my sponsor but I decided against that and I tell her I need to finish this degree and what am I going to have to do and she puts me on hold and she comes back and she said well our records indicate that you have a master's degree I said no no you don't I didn't finish it and you're really stupid and hung up and I don't even want the thing but I became obsessed with finding the chairman of my master's committee I finally got a hold of him and I explained to him And he said, Patty, you have a master's degree. I said, Jack, I had to take two-day oral exams. He said, you did. How was I? He said, you were brilliant. I said, well, of course. And I hung up. The people I work for like letters after your name. I have these business cards with letters. I look at them and laugh because I don't know where they came from. I have friends who want me to call around and see if I have a Ph.D. anywhere. But I got right. You taught me it was about amending, about mending my relationships. It wasn't just about sorry. I said sorry all my life. It was about mending my relationships. I didn't know how to be a part of my family. You taught me how to be a daughter. You taught me how to be a sister. You showed me how to be a daughter. You showed me how to be, well, some of the men, too, showed me how to be a sister. And I began to participate in my family. As a daughter and as a sister. My mother lives in a different town than I do. And I went to my mother's almost every Sunday for 15 years. Mending my relationship with my family. Becoming a daughter and being a sister. And it took about 15 years before I felt right with my family. And before I felt a part of. And before I knew that I was the dysfunction, not them. And we were all okay. And in October I was out of town on business. And I flew back and landed and went to. To the parking lot and got in my car. And I was just pulled out of the parking lot. And my little pager went off. And the message said, call your brother. When I read the message, I knew. And I called my brother. And my mother had passed away about the time I landed. And I was right with my mother. Because of the steps. Because you shared with me I was right with my mother. I didn't have any of that, oh, my God, I just need to say this to her. If only I could have another week. If I could just see her one more time. If I could just. I didn't have any of that remorse. I have grief. And I. And I had a very difficult time on Mother's Day. And I probably will have that grief for just about as long as I'm going to have it. But I didn't have any of that remorse. I didn't have. Because I was right with my mother. You see, I didn't come to Alcoholics Anonymous for that. I just came here to stay out of jail. That's all I wanted out of this deal. And I have gotten so much more. Steps 10, 11, and 12 for me are the recovery steps. They're the steps that allow me to continue to recover in Alcoholics Anonymous. And I look at them like going to the May Company. And I go to a department store. I go in on the first floor. But I want to go to the second floor. And I'm basically a lazy person. So I go immediately to the escalator. I always go to the escalator that's coming down. You can get from the first floor to the second floor on the down escalator. But you've got to keep moving. And that's where 10, 11, and 12 are. They keep me moving up the down escalator. If I stop using them, I don't get bottom right away. But I start going down. And if I don't start using them, eventually I'm back to where I was when I started. So they keep me moving up the down escalator. Step 10 says the process is powerful. Keep using it. Keep writing about it. Talking about it. Ask God to remove the defect. Make amends when necessary. And then turn your attention to somebody you can help. What is it I can do for you? How can I be of service to you? Step 11, I'm a simple person. My prayer in the morning is very simply, Thy will be done. And I am so naive that I truly believe the rest of the day is God's business. My job is to not drink and to show up and live life. My prayer in the evening, as of the last several years, is a pretty scary prayer. It was a scary prayer. It was a scary prayer. It was a scary prayer for me to start to pray. And there are days today that it's still a very scary prayer for me. But my prayer in the evening is, Dear God, please have people treat me tomorrow the way that I treated them today. And that's my prayer in the evening. And some days it's a very scary thing to pray. Step 12 is the greatest gift you've ever given me. Step 12 is the opportunity to take a little bit of my incomprehensible, a little demoralization, a little bit of my despair, and turn it into the greatest gift that I have to give to another human being. I've heard people say it hasn't been necessary for me to drink. I want you to know it's been very necessary for me to drink. It's been an emergency it's been so necessary for me to drink. It's been overwhelmingly, incredibly necessary for me to drink. But because the steps work, and because you've been willing to share with me as necessary as it's been for me to drink, I haven't drank or used another drug since the day I walked through the doors of Alcoholics Anonymous. And that's the gift that I have to give. That's the gift that I have to give to another alcoholic. To take that despair, that incomprehensible demoralization, to look into the eyes of another alcoholic and to say, honey, you don't have to live that way another day. Take our hands, sit in the middle of Alcoholics Anonymous, take our courage and strength, and you don't have to live that way a day at a time. I have done everything wrong in Alcoholics Anonymous, and I need to tell you that. I'm very critical, I'm very judgmental. I love taking your inventory and sharing it with somebody else. And I've slept with newcomers, and I would do it again in a minute if I could. The problem is the path gets narrower. But if I could, I would, because it was fun. I charged one time for a 12-step call. I was visiting my mother one Sunday, and I got a phone call from a woman. My mother lives in a different town. I got a phone call from a woman in Alcoholics Anonymous, and there was a lady who had been in and out of Alcoholics Anonymous, and apparently everybody in town had 12-stepped her. Everybody in town had worked with her. And, you know, we say the door is always open, and it is. But sometimes we get real afraid. Sometimes I get afraid when you're coming in and out, and my disease gets afraid. And I guess that had happened because this woman couldn't find anybody in town to go on the 12-step call with her. So she called my mother's house, hoping I might be there, and I was. So I went on the 12-step call with her, and we got to this woman's house. I'm going to tell you something. If money could keep you sober, this woman would never have a problem. She had an oak door that was two feet thick, and I know what those doors cost. She had a driveway. It took us a quarter of a tank of gas to get up her driveway to her house. We got to the house. The door was cracked open. We went in. She came down a spiral staircase in a nightgown. It reminded me of that old Raleigh Hills commercial. It had wine and puke all over it. But she came elegantly sailing down those stairs. She hit the button. I sent the other woman in to make coffee. I looked at this woman, and I said, You know what, honey? I understand why you can't stay sober, and it is not your fault. You can't stay sober because the people in this town will not tell you the secret of Alcoholics Anonymous. Now, the problem is I live in a different county, so I can't just give you the secret. But for $100, and I asked for more because she pulled $100 out of her pocket that quick. And I took the money, and I put it in my pocket, and I looked. I looked her in the eye, and I told her the secret of Alcoholics Anonymous. If you don't take a drink, you won't get drunk. If you don't get drunk, your life will get different. And about then, the other woman came out, and I said, Well, we don't have to be here anymore, and we left. When that woman took a cake a year later for one year of sobriety, I gave her back her $100. Well, I didn't give her back her $100, but I gave her back her $100. And never once in that year did she ever tell anybody I charged her for that 12-step call. I've done everything wrong. The only thing I've done right is I haven't done anything wrong. I haven't done anything wrong. I haven't done anything wrong. I haven't taken a drink. And if I don't like the way that I live today, if I don't take a drink, I have a chance to do it different tomorrow. If I take a drink of alcohol, I have no chance. If I take a drink of alcohol, I'm damned to continue to do it over and over and over. But if I don't take a drink, I have a chance to do it different tomorrow. And the only thing I have done right is I haven't taken a drink of alcohol a day at a time for 21 years, 8 months, and 23 days, and I never planned to stay this long. I came here for 15 months on a court card. All I wanted... All I wanted to do was stay out of jail. If I'd have had it my way, I'd have shortchanged myself. There's a God for each of us that has a plan beyond our wildest imagination. I have a really wild imagination beyond my wildest imagination. If ever a single day in the last 21 years I'd have had it my way, I'd have shortchanged myself. I always end with the same thing. I end with what that man told me when I was four days sober. If you don't take a drink, you won't get drunk. If you don't get drunk, your life will get different. And the thing that I end with, I end with it because it's been my experience and I pray God that it's your experience. And we already heard it tonight when Chapter 5 was read. The line in Chapter 5 that says, There is one who has all power. That one is God. May you find him now. Thank you.