A Moment of Clarity Is Grace — Action Is What Keeps You Sober – Don C.

We will be having another one at 4.30, and Pat W. will be chairing tonight at 10 o'clock. Also, we had a great meeting last night for those people who missed it, and we actually stayed up there until about 1.30 this morning. And that's how I got to know the next speaker, Don. And there were those people, and I told this story last night, you know. There's a story that goes that the older you get, the smarter your parents get, you see. And when I first came in here, there was all those old gray-haired men, you know, who told me they spilled more on their tie than I drank, you know. And I used to think that they were crazy. And the longer I stay around here, I realize how smart they were. And you're about to get a double dose of good old AA from Don. Thank you. I'm glad this thing is holding up now. I heard someone last night say if it doesn't stop swinging up and down, he's going to up this room and get that. Viagra spray, so it'll stay stiff for a while. Really, since I've heard that, I'm a young man in an old container. I'm 75 years old, and he told me there's a light on the end of the horizon, Viagra, so I'm going to listen for him. But, you know, I'm an alcoholic, and I'm glad I'm here. I've been to Atlanta many times. I was at your old-time gratitude banquet not too long back. I don't remember what months where I'm at. But, you know, I want to thank Tom and Bill and Charlie for inviting me down here. I want to thank the host, who I haven't seen yet, but I'll get to meet. It's because he's working, you know, but I got to meet Jack. And, you know, Jack is a bigger-sized host. So we sat up until 1.30 discussing the merits of the future of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I happened to come in to Alcoholics Anonymous in 1961, and I haven't found it necessary to take a drink since that time. And I think I really believe that my reason for staying sober was because of good sponsorship. And the book of Alcoholics Anonymous and Sister Ignatia, who I love very dearly, and not too long ago I gave the eulogy at her mass because I spent five years with her. And when you came after her hospital, she gave you a pamphlet, and I got to find it, I got to hear it someplace. It's kind of worn out now. It said, Confidence in God. But she gave you dignity long before you knew you had any dignity. Sister Ignatia dealt with dignity, self-respect, and the things of that magnitude, and we don't hear too much about it anymore today. And she wrote, Dear Mr. Cassini. Now, at that point, I didn't think I was anything. And she said, August 31st, 1961, October 18th, 1961, that's the time I was in the hospital. May God love you and bless you and keep you forever close to the Sacred Heart, Sister Mary Ignatia. Please say a prayer for me. As we left the hospital, she gave us something to remember her by, which was a Sacred Heart. And she said, If you decide to drink, bring the Sacred Heart back. Bring the Sacred Heart back before you do drink. This Sacred Heart has never been returned, because I believe what she said. I believe that long before I knew about Alcoholics Anonymous, and alcohol was never my problem. I've heard people from these podiums across the country, alcohol is their problem. Alcohol was never my problem. Alcohol was my solution. I have never inventoried alcohol. If you have, I've got to see your book, because I didn't read that book. And I told one of the girls, you've got to start reading the black lines rather than the white, because it's not going to work. It's going to work. It's going to work. Because they're easier on your eyes. And, you know, we were taught the right from wrong. And I think I had character defects long before anything happened. You see, I was blessed, because in 1960, they took that word honesty out of Alcoholics Anonymous, where it said you had to become totally honest. And they made it sincere, and a sincere desire to quit drinking. And that's how the Italians got in. Now, we had never made it. And that's what happened. But, you know, I... I had a lot of character defects. And at 17 years old, a war started. I think it was started December 7th. Some of you people don't know. That was a big war. And it was 1941. And I had those character defects. I lived in a ghetto, which was all Italian. I didn't know that at that time. But I found out later. He spoke of the riots. And when the riots started and desegregation, we found out I lived in a ghetto, because it was all Italian. Now, the other side was all Irish. And the other side... I was all Polish. And the other side was Lake Erie. Whoever wound up there was the winner. And, you know... And had environment had anything to do with my drinking, I would have been a gangster. I'd come close, but I would have been, see? Because environment had nothing to do with the way I lived. My father and mother were good people. I was born in 24, which told you that I was living through the big part of the country when it was on the high. And then I was there when the depression came in. So I don't know what... I don't know what the war is, because everybody was poor. So I don't have that excuse. I don't have an excuse that my father beat me, or he did do that. And, you know, sometimes he would hit me pretty hard. And he, thank God, today he's not alive. But if he had that civil liberties union where he could have turned them in, he'd have been in jail for a long time. And, you know, I say, why do you beat me that hard? He said, because I love you. And I can understand that today. And I think maybe we should give back some of that love to some of these kids that they've been missing for so long. And I believe that from the bottom of my heart. When we started with Spur the Rod and Spore the Child, it was wrong, see. And I think what happened, I had those character defects long before I knew I could get away with them. I didn't get away with too much. But, you know, I had the character defects. I had, number one, I was Italian. And I was taught that Italians can do anything. I was always small, and I was taught by my cousins who were... They were bad people. They were part of a mafia, one of them. He said, if you're small... If you're small like me, you've got to be crazy. So in order to be small and crazy, you had to do things that were crazy. And I would do things that were crazy, and I thought I was tough, you know. But, you know, everybody that thinks they're so tough, I want to tell you that today, you're operating out of fear. No matter how big you are, there's always some guy that's going to take you down. And fear motivates most of us. And I joined that army in 1942. I went to the army. And when I got there, I found out I made a grave mistake. I had more authority there than I ever wanted. So I'll take you to a very brilliant, star-studded army career without drinking. I had 15 summaries, two generals, given a dishonorable discharge, and sent to a penitentiary in Leavenworth, Kansas. Without drinking, yet, but one time. I drank one time. I was in a town called Fort Leonardwood, Missouri. I was at the camp there. And there was a city outside of that camp, maybe a population of 300. On a Friday night, the soldiers got their passes and didn't go to maybe 10,000. And it was better known as Gonorrhea Gulch. So you would go there to find a woman, and you'd want to go to Joplin to go to a dance, because we were a country that danced at that time. I know today they don't dance no more. And I found this girl, and ironically enough, she was from Georgia. And she talked funny, and she thought I talked funny. So we knew one thing. I knew what I wanted, and I didn't know what she wanted, but I thought she understood. So we went to a dance in Joplin, Missouri. And when we got there, there was no liquor, because the war was on. It was a package store town. Some of you may know what they were. You bought liquor in another room, and you'd come in a big room like this and bus set-ups and dance. So I said, what do you have to drink that makes this girl sexy? She said, we have no whiskey. He said, I got old Mr. Boston Creamy Tops of Gin. And he held it with a bottle. It looked like wine. I said, well, give me two bottles, because I knew my dad could drink one of those. Well, we danced differently than you kids do now. So we went there, and we started to dance. And we had that gin. And we had a bottle. And we were sipping. And when we were dancing then, we held the girl close, and you knew what you had in your arms. You could feel them. You know what I mean? There was a body structure that changed different than ours. And you'd bend them down to the floor a little bit, and they'd hang on tighter. Then you knew you had a woman in your arms. And you know, we'd dance and dance and dance, and I'd start dipping and sipping on that gin. We were sipping and dipping, you know, just kept on sipping and dipping on that gin. And by 11.30, one bottle of gin is gone. She don't have the program. And I'm fully encompassed in this great gin. I'm not going to drink it. This is the great program I got going. Nothing is happening. So you remember, we have a computer. And something I may say tonight will stick in your computer, and it'll come out a year from now. Or something, the other speaker says something a year from now. You may hear it, and it'll come out a year from now when you need it. So I remember what old Clem Bone, he was the guy that taught you how to smoke cigarettes, talked to you about the girls at the dance hall. She talked about the girls that worked in the House of Ill reputee. He knew everything. He was our spiritual leader. And when we got there, I remember he'd say, When you're dancing, blow in her ear. So I was sipping, dipping, and blowing, sipping, dipping, and blowing. Next thing you know, I woke up in Joplin, Springfield, Missouri, and didn't know how I got there. No money. I was broke. And at that time, if you had to call the MPs to go back to camp, you paid for their ride. So I went back. I don't know what happened. Don't know what happened to that girl. Didn't see nothing or no more. So I went back to camp. And when we got paid, we paid $21 a month. I know most of the people in America wouldn't fight for $21 a month in the Army. So I went back to camp. And when we got paid, we paid $21 a month. So I went back to camp. And when we got paid, we paid $21 a month in the Army. But we did it because we believed in America. Ironically enough, I still believe it's the best country in the world. But at that time, I was a little perturbed because I went to get that paycheck envelope with $21 in it that was only $11. They had taken $10 out for an allowance. And I don't know why my mother would want to write for an allowance. And the guys, I went to the company commander, and I asked him, he said, Well, Cassini, he said, You screwed up that time. I said, What do you mean I screwed up? He said, Well, the day we picked you up in Spokane, you screwed up. I said, What do you mean I screwed up? He said, Well, the day we picked you up in Springfield, you were married that weekend. And I said, Hold it for a time. I never been married. He said, You have? Here's the paper to prove it. And I don't know who I married, what I married, if you and I had a honeymoon. And at that time, all you needed was a daughter and a son. And I said, Well, I don't know why my mother would want to write for an allowance. And the guys, I went to the company commander, and I asked him, He said, What? Cassini, he said, You screwed up that time. I said, What do you mean I screwed up? He said, Well, the day we picked you up in Springfield, you were married that weekend. And I said, Hold it for a time. I never been married. He said, You have? Here's the paper to prove it. And I said, You have? Here's the paper to prove it. And I don't know who I married, what I married, if you and I had a honeymoon. And at that time, all you needed was a dog tag number. Some of you older people may remember World War II. All you needed was a dog tag number. And she had that number. She filled out a form at the draft board in that city. And you got money taken out of your check for her. So I said, Well, I don't know why my mother would want to write for an allowance. And he said, Well, the day we picked you up in Springfield, you were married that weekend. And I said, Hold it for a time. I never been married. He said, You have? Here's the paper to prove it. And at that time, all you needed was a dog tag number. Some of you older people may remember World War II. All you needed was a dog tag number. And she had that number. She filled out a form in that city. And you got money taken out of your check for her. So I went around talking to people. And if I told you that today, you'd say, I was nuts. They thought I was nuts. My company commander laughed. My sergeant laughed. And I just didn't know where to go. So I finally went to a priest. And I told the priest, and he said, I'll look into it. The age of the regents for a man to follow won't happen. We'll see what happens. So they sort of reminded me at that time of some of our delegates. If you ask them something, they say, well, look into it. By the time you catch them around the next time, they say, I'm no longer a delegate. I'm out of office. So I don't have an answer. I went through that with our last chairman of the General Service. Anyhow, he came back four months later, and he found out this girl was very patriotic American, and she married four or five guys that weekend. And she had all the checks going to the same house with a different last name, with the same first name of her. And that's how she got caught. I imagine with computers today, she'd have never got caught, you know. But they were writing them out by hand at that time. Anyhow, that ended that marriage. It was an old one. I went on never more to drink again, but I got in some serious trouble. I got in some serious trouble in the Army that caused me to go to the penitentiary. And this was because of an attitude of Italian, that I was Italian. I was tough. No one could screw around with me and get away with it. I had relatives who were members of an outfit called the Mafia. And for those who think that the Mafia doesn't exist, it does. Let me just tell you this. AA is like the Mafia. Because if you leave here, you're dead. More so today. And you know, that's the truth. Anyhow, I went to the penitentiary there, and I remember there was a bunch of guys there. A lot of them were Italians. Evidently, they didn't like authority either. And one of them found out who my cousin was. And that... His brother... His brother... His brother... His brother... His brother was there, too. So I didn't find out his brother until a little later on, because we were in different parts of the prison. And when I did, it became a ride on a gravy train. You know, everybody knew that we were supposed to be let alone. So after eight months, they came and asked who would like to join the Armed Special Forces. And they said, if you come back, you'll get an honorable discharge. And they said, we're going to be advanced scouts. And if you're going to go, we'll give you special training. And I'd go over with a platoon. Two decided to come back, a squad of men. Rather, two decided to come back. That's a miracle. If one comes back, it's par for the course. And the course, no one believes they're going to die. We're invincible. You know, you're young. You're not nuts. So I put my hand up, and I see by the same time my cousin Mikey put up his hand, too. I've seen him step forward from the end of the line there. And we both went for advanced training, and we went to learn to be advanced scouts. And, you know, it wasn't easy. It was tough. You know, I'd like to tell you the war caused me to become an awkward. It didn't. It didn't. My book says we stop blaming people, places, and things. And I may talk about this big book tonight because it's an important part of our sobriety. This is not fun and games. And I believe that. And, you know, I didn't come in the easy way. Anyhow, we went overseas. We made two major invasions. We went in first before the waves came. First wave, we'll come in. And on the third one, we went in. We were by the side of a cave in the south. Pacific. And my cousin, Mikey, was at arm's length away from me. We were walking in together almost. And he stepped on a landmine. He was blown to pieces, and I was blown up pretty bad. And the first word out of my mouth was, God, did I get hurt bad enough to go home? And the core man heard me, and he said, you're going home, kid. So I went to Hawaii for major surgery, and then from there back to the United States, and then to recuperate in Pasadena General Hospital. Now, when I got to Pasadena, I fell in love with California. I came from Cleveland, which is a smoke-spack industry town. Everybody complained about the smoke-stacks. Now we've got no smoke-stacks, we've got no employment either. So I don't know if there's a correlation between buildings or factories working and people making money. And smoke, I'll take some smoke. But, you know, I was there, and I fell in love with the scenery. The buildings were different colors, and the streets were clean. And I came from this smoke-stack industry. And I didn't want to go back. So I stayed around until I was discharged. After about seven months, I learned to walk. And fell in love with it. And, you know, where I came from, we only saw girls who wore babushkas and galoshes, you know. And the only kind of music we ever heard was E-I-E-I-O music from Frankie Yonkovich. So I fell in love with California, and I stayed. When I was discharged, I got some menial jobs. And eventually, one day, my cousin came in, a bad-eyed, came in from Cleveland with a bunch of Italians, and they were going to organize the studios. So they told me that I could be an organizer. When it was all done, I'd get a job. So I went as an organizer, and I stood at a gate and didn't want to let no one in. And no one came to my gate, because my cousin, a bad-eyed, made sure I was at the farthest gate. Even the fire department didn't know there was a gate there. That's how far he had me out. But when it was all over, we were offered jobs, and I went to the, I forget what it was called, the Roosevelt Hotel, or some hotel for that hotel. And we went there, and they offered us jobs. And the guy said to me, what would you like to be? And I'll never forget this guy, Italian, about that big and about the same way wide. And he had a white hat on and smoked a big cigar. And he said, what kind of a job do you want, boy? And I looked him straight in the eye, and I said, I want to be a hairdresser. He said, hey, kid, those people are kind of funny, don't you think so? I said, nah, don't worry about it, I know. Now, I've got to clarify why I wanted to be a hairdresser, so you don't get funny ideas. I went to beauty school in 1940 for 30 days, because I went to a dance one night at a big Aragon ballroom. And I saw, Mike, where you been? And he said, hey, I'm going to dress designing school. He said, man, we've got girls coming out of our ears. I said, maybe I should join, too. He said, no, you go to the hairdresser school, because they've got 102 girls to two guys. Now, you know, even a blind chicken will get a kernel of corn once in a while. So I went back in 41 and 42 before I went to the Army. And I got 90 days, and I didn't learn nothing. And when I went to work for 20th Century Fox, it was where they sent me, and I had to learn all over again. And, you know, my father always said that, whatever you do in life, it's going to take constant repetition and practice. And if you want to become something good, you've got to serve an apprenticeship. Now, when I come to Alcoholics Anonymous, they talked about serving an apprenticeship in Cleveland and Akron area. I don't know what they did out here. But it was a five-year apprenticeship, and then the work begins, you know. And I find that out more and more today, because people don't last too much past five, because the honeymoon is over. There was an article in one of our newspapers. I wanted to bring something down, and I forgot. About the honeymoon, when the broom was off the bush, you know. And suddenly you become comfortable, and then suddenly you drift away from meetings, and the next thing you know, they're out there drinking. And my father said, that's six years when you're on your own, and you've got to be better. So I started practicing and practicing, and long before I knew what I ate, I did it on Star to Serve for Nothing, so I could learn to do my, practice my profession. And then one day they said to me, Okay, Don, she said, you're going to start working on movie stars. Now you give a little day to go like me. Good money, and nice clothes I can buy, and I've got my name on the screens as hairstyles by Don Cassini. And suddenly what happens, that ego comes in. And I'll tell you, an Italian can get an ego, let me tell you. Right along there. See, she's laughing over there, she knows. And you know, I bought myself a 39 Buick Roadmaster with the wheels on the fenders, you know, fender wells. And I would cruise down Santa Monica Boulevard or Sunset Boulevard, and I'd get in front of maybe, the swing bar there, and I'd see these girls, and I'd have all the windows rolled up. Made it look like I had air conditioning, you know. And I didn't have, hotter than hell, but I was acting the part, you know. And I start getting, not drinking yet. And then one day I'm going to meet a guy from New York City that was out of my outfit, and we're going to go to Billy Berg's, and we're standing on the corner of Hollywood and Vine, and it was warm, and they had no air conditioning in the bars at that time, and the King Cole Trio was playing on this bar, and it was very unique. The bar went around, and the bartender stood in the middle, and the band was there, and the bar turned around like a merry-go-round. And man, I saw these two girls walk in, and they looked good. They smelled good, and they had white dresses on with beautiful tans, and I followed them in. Didn't wait for Hank no more. Got sat down next to him, and I was going to order a Coca-Cola. And then they said to the girl, he said to the girl, What would you like to drink? And they said, Well, give me this kind of a drink. I don't know what it was. And I said, Well, he said, What would you like? And I was going to say Coke, and I figured, Well, if I say, Give me what they've got, I can start a conversation. So I said, Give me what they've got. And I got a drink, and it was a lady's drink in all probability. It was a tall glass. And, you know, I took that first drink with impunity. And it never ceases to amaze me. I hear some kids from these podiums, and they took a drink at three years old, and they chased that elusive feeling. You know, I drank wine when I was young. I didn't have no feelings, but I drank that drink, and I felt different. And my book says we take that drink to get comfortable. It sets us off. We sort of feel relaxed. And we blend in with the rest of the world. I don't know nothing about I had a bad childhood. I didn't have a bad childhood. I played in the fields. I hopped trains. I stole coal off of fox cars to heat the house up in the winter. I had a good time. I never felt inferior to nobody. Because if they were... If they were superior to me, I'd do something to make them know that I was part of the game. I was always getting in trouble, you know. And so I don't know anything about these other holes in the stomach. I don't know nothing about that. And for years, I drank comfortably. I drank comfortably. I worked there three years in the studio. And one day, the same guys that got me into the studios were going to set up a sting operation, and I had to get the movie stars to be sung. See, because paybacks are a bitch. And I didn't realize what the outcome was. They were going to be in. And when it was all over with, they set up the thing. And you saw the movie Sting with Paul Newman. That was it. When it's set up totally to the T, and they've won all this money, you set them for the big kill, and you tell them, now, this is it. And when it gets through, you get all the money you can get in cash, and you come down there, and you'll make sure you got the horses that are going to win. And sure enough, they won. And when it was all over with, some of you know something about being crooks and thieves we were, and they start firing these guns, and, you know, the guns didn't have bullets in them. They had the pellets that they moved on the stage in the studios, you know, and you put the pellet in your mouth, and you bite it, and the blood would come down. And I told these movie stars, you guys better go to Lake Taro and get out of town, because you're an accessory to murders. They went to Lake Taro, and I jumped the train from the Central Station down there on Alvaro Street in Los Angeles at midnight and came back to Cleveland. And when I got out to Cleveland, I didn't like Cleveland, because I had authority with my mother and father. So I went on to New York City. And over in New York City, I had an uncle that owned the Tavern on the Green, the Piccadilly Circus Bar, and the Theater Bar and Grill. And he was a member of that funny outfit, too, of the Mafia. And I said to him, I can't get a job. My licenses are worth nothing here. He said, I'll see what we can do. So he said, then one day he said to me, if you don't find a job, I'm going to call your father and tell him to go back home. He called me back home. I said, no, don't tell my father I'm drinking, because he told me I was drinking like a crumb bum. And I didn't know what a crumb bum was. He said that. And he didn't know what an alcoholic was, so he said crumb bum. So I finally went to work for Helena Rubenstein on Ocean Going Liners. And during the course of that time, and this is something we don't hear about devaluing, our morals and our values. And I think our morals and our values are the things that bother us the most when we start to drink. I think our conscience steps in and plays a big part. And Sister Ignatia was a great believer in conscience. Because your conscience... Your conscience dictates whether you reward yourself for doing something good, or you punish yourself for doing something bad. And as I got on board those cruise ships, there was a lot of married women traveling without their husbands, because the war had ended, and they were having a tough time adjusting to their life. And had their husbands known there had been some sneaky little dago lurking behind that chair, no, he would have never sent them. But you know, a hairdresser is like a psychologist. I don't know if you ever read the books on that. Because we hear all the things that are happening. And then I started to think about it. I started having a problem because I was fooling around with married women. And I said, you know, I figured, well, that's adultery. I don't want to do that. That's against my conscience. So I found out that if I drink a little in the morning, and drink something to go to bed, my conscience is clear. And then, as alcoholics we are, we talk about rationalization. Now, I could rationalize why I was there and not having a problem with God, was because I was single, and they were committing adultery, and not me. So then I could rationalize that, well, it's 10%. Those who are not covered by neighbor's goods, there was nobody from Colombo, that Italian neighbor that was on that ship. And the more I said these things, the more guilty I felt. And the more I drank. And I started to drink in a pattern. Every two and a half hours, I would drink two and a half to four ounces of vodka. And I would drink that way, and I maintained the whole cruise time. And I can tell you this. Someone mentioned compulsion and obsession. I think we've got this thing to understand that the compulsion starts once we've taken, the first drink. The obsession is in the mind. And once we take that drink and we're past the obsession, the compulsion sets in. I know there's a fellow from North Carolina. His birth, maybe someone knows him. He's a Jamaican. He lived in Canada for a while. He's a man working down in South Africa. He went down there to find a cure to reevaluate malaria, because the first one has worn itself out. And he talks about being a chemist, how he understands and how it breaks down the alcohol. I'll send him a tape with that, Charlie, so if anyone wants it, he'll have it. But you see, the compulsion starts once the first drink is set on. If we turn the thermostat there, it's going to give us a call for heat. We're going to get heat. And once you take that drink down into your system, it calls for more alcohol, because the process of that going through the liver defines the fact that when you cross that invisible line. And we don't hear about invisible lines today anymore, and I think the reason we don't hear about it... Because most people don't get to the invisible line. The invisible line is when you can't hate drinking, you love drinking, and you can't stop drinking. You don't want to live and you don't want to die, because your conscience is bothering you. And, you know, we go through that stage, and I went through that stage, and I came back to Cleveland in 1949, because I got in trouble in England, I got in trouble in France, and it was all because of my mouth and my cocky attitude. Then when I got in trouble in Italy, I knew they didn't like me, because I was Italian. Now, that's... That's something to think about. I came home. November, December 1949. Now, I think every real alcoholic knows, long before they come to Alcoholics Anonymous, they have a problem with their drinking. And because of our pride and our ego, we refuse to admit that there's a problem with the drinking, but we're going to find a way to slow down a little bit. And I decided I'd come back home and my mother would help me, because I knew I was going to die. I was drinking too much. And when I got to Cleveland, my mother was there, and she couldn't stop me. So I was going to go back to California, not realizing I had ten years hanging over my head if I went back and got caught. So I talked to another guy, and he said, there's a guy starting a beauty salon, and he's been around a long time, and he's going to open up some big ones to go see if he can get a job with him. So I got the job with him, and for two years, we were rolling high. Man, we were doing TV shows and everything. My mother couldn't help me. I was drinking every day, working every single day, functioning, and was young, and I could shake everything off. And now I would have to drink to go do a TV show, and you'd have to get downtown. And well, long after that, I had a 59 Caddy. That's what was ahead of the story. But while I'm talking about TV shows, I did 176 weeks of TV, make up and live with Cassini. And I drank through the whole thing. Everything came out live at that time. It wasn't taped. And I had a drink to get downtown, and we had a bottle law. So I cleaned out the windshield washer bottle in a 59 Caddy that I had, filled that up with vodka, and my wife had a bag that hung in the bathroom with a long hose. I didn't know what it was for, but I cut the hose off of that thing, and I ran it through the firewalls, hooked it up underneath the dash, and when I'm driving down Bullet Bar to get down to a TV station, it's the mental obsession or the compulsion set in to drink, and you get that clammy sweat. You get stomach cramps. You stick the hose in your mouth, and you hit the windshield washer button, and the blades will go back and forth, and you get two hot shots of vodka. You see a guy going down Pine Tree or one of these drives out here, and he's got a hose in his mouth, and he's grinning foul on him, because he heard my story. Don't let him get away. He's coming back, you know? And that's what I was used to, but you know, I kept on doing these things. And in 1952, a bartender said to me, you're drinking too much, Doc. Yeah, I said, well. I said, you know something, I'm kind of cutting down. I said, I'm going to do something about it. He said, what are you going to do? I said, I'll tell you what I'm going to do, Augie. You see that Italian girl across the street, the model, the England Fetzer? I'm going to go over there, and I'm going to court her, court her like she's never been courted, and when I'm through, I'll marry her. And he said, if that works, I want to know, because I'm going to send a lot of guys out to get married. So, you know, when the drunk goes and takes a hostage, and I didn't know about hostages until I come to age. But I courted this Italian girl like every girl should be courted. I got a daughter, you know, she's a winner. They don't make too many like her. But, you know, she married the one guy who was a nice guy, and she decided he wasn't so nice, he didn't know how to court her, he didn't know nothing. So she went out and divorced him with two children, and she married a guy with a long beard, overhauls, and didn't shave and didn't bathe too much. She was going to cure him. She was going to help him. Never been courted or nothing, you know. So that's her problem now. Not mine. She lives in Florida, far away, and I don't have to see her problems. But, you know, I treated my girls nice. I treated them with respect. And, you know, we were married, and she married me because I was exciting. And then 14 months later, after we opened our first beauty salon, she wanted a divorce because the excitement was killing her. And I said, why? You've got everything you want. You've got a home, you've got a new cat life. She said, I don't want that. I want a husband. And she said, you come home every night, 3 or 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, you know what? Why? I'm not soliciting business. She said, bullshit. She said, you're a drunk. And I said, if I'm a drunk, you made me a drunk. Have you ever heard that one, you guys? She said, no, I never poured a drink down your throat. So we got divorced. I paid her a cash settlement, and that was the end of that. And then I started going now. My mother's taking me to Faith Healer, you know. And, you know, those Faith Healers will probably do a good job. But, you know, I went to Catherine Coleman in Pittsburgh, and then I went to Recreation. Humbert and Akron, Ohio, and then that one didn't work. I was dipped a couple of times. And then they took me to a guy, Ernest Ainsley. I don't know if you get him here. He's got a bad wig on his head, you know. And he was just starting out in his front room there. And he bopped me on the head, and nothing happened. This program will not work if you don't want it. You cannot get alcoholics anonymous by osmosis. You know, I could sit in the chicken coop for six months, and I'll never lay an egg. But I'm in the environment of it, you know. I'm in the environment, you know. But, you know, we come to some thoughts that we're going to save the world. If alcoholics anonymous is a panacea for everything, and I'm beginning to think they think so, we're not going to have any churches no more, because they will take over. We'll cure everything. You got it, we got a cure for it. We have one cure, and that's for alcoholics anonymous. For alcohol, the singleness of purpose. And I know nothing about that stuff, so then I... My mother takes me to Ketocure. I don't know if you've ever heard of Ketocure. That's where you drink. It's an inversion theory. They have it in Buffalo, New York. It didn't work, because on the sixth day, I was no longer going to get a pill to puke, and I drank when I went home. See, so that didn't work. And then in 1953, my uncle came into my house, and he said, kids, you're drinking too much. And I said, hey, Uncle Tommy, I know what you were like before the war started. If you're a holy roller now, that's fine. Don't tell me you're crap. And he said, if you ever want to help with your drinking, you let me know. And he walked away from me. I know you may think it's cruel today. My Uncle Tommy came into Alcoholics Anonymous in 1941. And when Alcoholics Anonymous was a jewel, I don't know how long he's been here in Georgia, but it's been a while. But can you imagine when we have them blinding snowstorms if you come from Cleveland, and these men would drive from Cleveland to Akron in 36 and 37 in cars with no heaters to protect something that's not a car. And he said, if you ever want to help with your drinking, they thought it was a jewel. And the jewel has been passed around to so many of us, it's starting to look like a cubic zirconia diamond, you know. The jewel is no longer bright and shiny because we're destroying it along the way, I think. But he wouldn't tell me about AA because AA was a jewel and they fought for their sobriety. I got a piece of paper in my pocket someplace, I had it. Some of the first men that were in AA, and I knew at least 25 or 30 of them. I was counting that picture out there. There's 14 of them. Those were the first 100 men that I knew. But, you know, I didn't listen to my uncle and I continued on my way. Now I know the problem is I married an Italian and they're not nice. So I figured, well, you go looking for a new wife. Now what would you want in a wife that understands alcohol? What nationality do you think is the best? You probably don't have them down here, but Irish, you know. They drink if it's raining, if it's snowing, the shade goes up, the shade comes down. They drink if the streetcar goes by the house, if the streetcar goes by the house, if the streetcar stops by the house. They drink for anything. Wakes, weddings, funerals, even bar mitzvahs if they were invited. And I figured I'd find this Irish girl and she worked for me. She was a pretty girl. She was the Clara model at that time. Maybe remember back when Clara had just come out, she was a red-headed, pretty young model. And I courted her like, phew, like God. And then I'd take her home at 10.30 and I'd say, honey, you get ready to go to work tomorrow. And I'd go out and finish her off the drunk, you know. So one day she accepted the fact that we were getting married and I was starting to get sicker and sicker. And I was drinking every single day. But I had now started to build, I had three beauty salons when I married her. Big ones that employed all 20 people in each one. And then I went to meet my father-in-law after I ran away and got married because inwardly I knew I didn't deserve that woman. I think every one of us know that we're not that nice on the inside. I did, anyhow. I speak for me. I wasn't that nice. And I'm going to tell you something today. This may offend some people, but nice people don't come to Alcoholics Anonymous. You heard that Al-Anon talk about that nice guy she married to. You know, think about it. He was a peach. I see him in Louisville a lot, you know. He was a nice guy. Nice people don't come to Alcoholics Anonymous. If we stay here long enough, we become nice. If we put a program into our life, we become better. But nice people just don't come here because I'll tell you, if you're nice, why would you want to take an inventory? Think about it. Maybe this will give you reason to go back and not think you belong here. Why would you want to take and make amends if you're nice? You don't have to make amends because you didn't do nothing wrong. And man, I'll tell you something. I could rationalize a lot of stuff. So I married that Irish girl and went to meet my father-in-law. And when I went down, he was a mile and a half away from my beauty salon and I didn't want to meet him. So I finally went there on Thanksgiving to go meet him. And I said, I'm mad at him because they served me turkey on Thanksgiving and Italians should have spaghetti or raviolis or something like that, you know? And I go there and he's there drinking and I'm pouring vodka in a water glass and he said, Kid, if you continue to drink like that, you're going to lose your wife, you're going to lose your beauty salon, you're going to lose everything. And if you ever want to help with your drinking, because I said I wasn't that bad, he said, if you ever want to help, you call me. And you know what I did, the smart little dago, I said, let me tell you something. Why don't you go to Colin and see my own Uncle Tommy and you can start your own Holy Roller Group. And he said to me, well, I will. And I didn't realize how small he was at that time because I didn't know about Alcoholics Anonymous. But my father-in-law came into Alcoholics Anonymous in 1939, December of 39. He worked in New Jersey, went to New York, got sober and claimed to Cleveland in 1941 to work at a power plant, a building that was an electrical engineer. Never told me about Alcoholics Anonymous. Because I don't know, if you don't put this thing into your hand and put it like a jewel and value it, you're not going to hang on to it. It's going to get like a hot piece of coal and it'll just bounce out of your hand one day. Because there are rules in Alcoholics Anonymous that have to be followed. And when I came, I didn't want to follow nothing. I was a man with beauty salons, doing TV shows. How could I be an alcoholic? I drank a lot, but it was because of my business. I was trying to promote business. And the guys don't get their, they're done, you know that. But anyhow, it was just going on and we were married. And my father-in-law put something in my head and January 1st, 1956, I quit drinking cold turkey. January the 3rd, I had convulsions and VTs. They called the doctor over. Doctor came over to the house. That's when they still made house calls. And he said to my wife, he's a hopeless alcoholic. He even lay on that bathroom floor, throw a towel, blanket over him. And if he comes to and he starts moaning, just give him a shot every couple of hours. And if he sees things on the wall and stuff like that, just pick off the bugs. Tell him I'm cleaning them off. So I was seeing a lot of bugs. I had trains in the backyard. I would call the real estate guy while he brought the trains. I'd sneak away from my wife. And finally I told my wife, you know that statue of the Blessed Virgin Mary? Bring it in the bathroom. I want to cut her hair because it's not even. So my wife did what the doctor said. She brought that bust of the Blessed Virgin Mary and I commenced to cut hair. No scissors in my hand, you know, but I was just, I was just defilading. And you know, and then finally one night I snuck away. And I called the police. And I said, you know, my house is surrounded with the mafia from California when I was involved in that sting operation. And I gave all the names. They converged upon my city like you've seen. I think they said they came with SWAT teams to her house. We didn't have SWAT teams then. But they came in all the three different municipalities. Came in, surrounded my house. Now they thought they had something. And when they got there, the only thing they found on that floor was this little drunk. And they, our doors were never locked at that time and I knew most of the policemen. And the chief came in that night and said to my wife, who called the police about the mafia being here? And my wife said, what mafia? She said, why do you think we're all out here? She said, oh, he said, that drunken bum got off the floor and didn't know what the hell he was doing. And they walked away. The biggest bust of their life they'd have probably ever had. And there was no one there. I said, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. On the seventh day, I was taken to Ingleside Hospital for the mentally insane, strapped down, screaming all the way in, fed Peraldehyde, and slept for seven or eight hours. And when I come to there, loosened up the strap somewhat, I start complaining and screaming. I didn't belong there. They got the wrong guy there. And then they continued to treat me with Peraldehyde for seven days. Now, if you never drank Peraldehyde, you're missing a treat. We've got a, that is a treat. Because you'll sleep for seven, eight hours, it puts you up while if you don't know what's going on, no one comes near your room because it stinks so much from that Peraldehyde. And today, they have softer ways. They've got Prozac, vaginal deficiency, all these new pills to make it easy. You can just float into survival. Some of them are floating in, floating out, right over the top. But you know, that was the way they treated us then. And then, one day, she said, joint therapy. And I said, what do you do in therapy? She said, you sing songs. Not like today, we have co-ed therapy. Well, I come from, we used to have them, we don't have them in the treatment center. But they go there and they have dances and these new ones nowadays and people fall in love and you can't tell them that that's not real love. There's so much in love because he said, that third step, if we take that prayer together and the next thing you know, they're tiptoeing off into the woods and the counselor gets beat off and he wants to break them up but don't split them up if you see only two of them doing it. Because if you split the two, you then got four and then four, eight, pretty soon the whole treatment centers can be infected with that treatment. You didn't see? So leave them be, don't break them up. But I went up to sing and the guy said, the more songs you sing, the quicker you get out of here. So I requested songs from World War I, World War II, and you get your gun over there and I got out of there. And they gave me a big bottle of milk down the Wonder Drug in 1956. And he said, take one of these every four hours. And I thought maybe four every one hour would be better. And I went and I did that for three days and I didn't like pills. I never understood what people see in pills. I liked alcohol because you take one more drink and you got level. Levels of frontwards and backwards is the same. But when you take a pill, I used to go down. Zoom, I'd be goofy, sitting at a railroad crossing and I'd be rocking and sleeping. And all of a sudden the train wheels would be going by me and there was no guardrails at that time. And pretty soon the whole car was shaking because I was goofy. And I got home and I called the psychiatrist and said, do you think I can have a glass of wine for my spaghetti tonight? He said, well, you haven't had nothing to drink for 10, 11 days. One glass won't hurt you. And I want to tell you, one glass did not hurt me that night. But it started me on a drunk that lasted until August 1961. And during that time something must have went right. I had three children born of that marriage. Don't ever remember them being born. Built a total of eight beauty salons in a school downtown Cleveland. Right in the playhouse square district. And I was making money as fast as you could get it. And I was not happy. See, money doesn't buy happiness. And I'll tell you that because I went through it. And it continued on. And now I'm starting to puke in the morning. And sometimes I get diarrhea. And sometimes you have to sit down or kneel down and you don't know which way to go and you make a split decision and most times you're wrong. And then your wife has to clean that mess up and the love starts to fly out the window, you know. And they're three children I never, I'm sorry to tell you I've never fed them a bottle, I never changed the diaper, I never did nothing. Because alcohol became my lord and my master. I didn't know what it was and if someone would say something to me you know what the theme song of Alcoholics Anonymous is? If I ever get that bad I'll quit. If I ever get that bad I'll quit. And we could always find someone lower than us. And I'm doing everything wrong. I saw lower companions. I found girls in the bars that understood me. And I would say boy if my wife would listen to me like you do I'd never leave the house. And she'd say boy if my husband listened like you do I'd never leave either. And the next thing you know the conscience kicks in. I gotta drink more and I don't think any of you guys did it here because you look like a nicer bunch of people than I was. I used to write all these telephone numbers in code and then forget what the hell the code was, you know. And you try dialing some of those numbers sometimes. And it just got so bad. Puking every morning. Diarrhea. Working every single day with Sen Sen. I don't think they have that anymore. Or Bianca and you put all that stuff on and aftershave lotion and then you get in the beauty shop and sometimes you'd have a good smelling spray net and spray up on the suits, you know. Get rid of that smell and work every single day and did all them weeks of television. And you know that's alcohol maintenance. Because I still got I still maintain every two and a half to three hours two and a half to four and a half ounces of vodka. And I drank that way until August 31st, 1961. In 1958 I got in some very serious trouble in Las Vegas and the only check I was allowed to sign was a federal withholding check and when you got 125 people working for you or better you got a lot of cash in that thing. And I had an accountant that was a little bit shady and I'd tell him don't send it in on a quarter when it's due. Wait till the half. So we built up a little nest egg in case we have a bad snowstorm. And I had to use a federal withholding tax check of $15,000 to get out of Las Vegas. And when I came back the guy that left me there alone I hated his guts he was an Italian. See Italians do not resent. I didn't know what resentment was until I come to LA. We go straight to hate and if hate isn't bad enough we go to vendettas. Get them. That's our motto. Get even. You know I think now I just happen to think how many times I've stuck ice picks in people's tires to get even you know. Just to get even. You know if they said something I didn't like get even. And you know I'm sorry for a lot of stuff I did. But you know it got so bad that one day in July this guy came across the parking lot and this is the guy that left me in Vegas he was a road builder he built Interstate 90 from the other side of Cleveland there all the way into New York City. And he was a wealthy young man but I hated him. And he came into that beauty shop on a Saturday morning and he said Doc come on I want to buy you a drink. And by that time my first drink was about 5.30 at home and at 8 o'clock I needed one. I took a little nip in the back of the beauty shop but by the time he got there I needed another drink. And we went to a bar and he told me a story. And I said Ted if you've been talking to my wife I'll kill you. And he said no I haven't been talking to your wife. The reason you haven't seen me from Vegas is when I came home I was in all kind of trouble with the IRS. Then I knew he was talking to my wife. He said then I had to get sober and I joined Alcoholics Anonymous. That was the first time I ever heard that word. And he said why don't you I said what makes you think I could be an alcoholic? He said if you walk like a duck you quack like a duck you might be a duck. So I said okay. I said what do you want me to do? He said come to a meeting tonight. I said she don't want to come. He said how do you know? He said well she don't want to come. He said well my wife called her and she said she'd love to come. See they're sneaky and anyhow he said bring your own car. Now I'm not going to leave my car anywhere because I got that vodka in the windshield washer bottle and I went to that first meeting he said there's three doors in the back if you don't like it just get up and leave because you're not chained there. And I said that's alright I got my own car so halfway through the lead I got up and left and went out to the car started the motor put the hose in my mouth got a couple hot shots of vodka went back to the meeting sat down now she's building bird houses out there and the birds are chirping and she's sober and everything is so lovey dovey and I go bullshit and finally the meeting was over and they were having coffee and cookies you know and at that time everybody was dressed up in a suit at the meetings and that guy come up to me he's sober now he's sober 60 years he said hey doc he said I understand you're not happy here I said hey look at that woman I'm married to that alcoholic oh he said don't worry about her keep coming back she'll get better that was the first lie anybody ever told me in alcoholics and I'm it's been over 38 years and now the first time I've talked to her seriously was the last couple of weeks because I've got a son here in Atlanta that's in very serious shape and so I had to tell her and I wanted to thank her for the things she did but you know she never got any better and when I come out of Rosary Hall I had went from I was taken in there that next time August 31st I went to a doctor and I was totally blown up overnight I blew up and I got yellow and purple and my eyes were jaundiced and my stomach was out to here and I couldn't put shoes on and I called the same doctor that told me I was alcoholic and he went to his office that day at 1.30 he said you gotta go to the hospital you got liver trouble bad now you don't want to believe doctors couple more drinks this thing will settle out and he said no you gotta go and he said I'm going out to fill a prescription next door he said when you come back I want an answer and when he came back he said what are you gonna do I said I got a sponsor now you know where I heard that when I was counting seeding towels in Floyd's house he said call your sponsor and have him take you to his hospital I thought he might have owned one of those little hospitals now you got satellite hospitals in Cleveland couple doctors you know couple rooms and he had them then so I called his house and his wife said I told her the doctor wants me to call Ted and she said well he's working out give me the phone number and she said I'll have him call the doctor now everything now is coincidental this story is now at the Vatican because they're starting to commence to beautify Sister Ignatia if you want to read a great book about Alcoholics Anonymous I began with the nun in the first hospital this biography of Sister Ignatia's life it's worth reading I didn't write it so you can read it I'm not making any money but anyhow it started and it was just he took me in and when I got to that hospital he drove from now God had to be working his cell phones he was put in Dunkirk New York now when we leave Cleveland it takes us two and a half hours on the interstate and today that's what it takes at that time it took him six and a half hours to come to Cleveland now somebody said during the course of the things here about when we were sponsoring somebody we're charged with their life and we better give them the best we've got because we're killing people by not telling them the truth and sister Ignatia was adamant about that and she taught us right from the beginning when you got in there someone took your clothes off anyhow I was brought in there and he was on a ship to shore radio had the ship been out in Lake Erie another mile we never got the call our Vita Van another mile into where they were cutting the roads through he never got the call and they got the call through the doctor talked to him he said I'll call sister Ignatia and he told sister Ignatia what the doctor said how bad off I was that I wouldn't make a week and sister Ignatia said bring him in my sponsor drove five hours to get me to rosary hall at any given hour of the day and she believed that that hospital must be open for drunks she believed that from the beginning in St. Thomas when she snuck him into the flower room and when I walked into that bed and I was laying on that bed and they came in to look at me and the guy said he's dying sister Ignatia said young man you drank too much too old books Dr. Bob in the good old time he talked about father Winchester was the priest and he came in and gave me last rites and with that I went into a coma and I was tapped five times and took out seven gallons of water and the pain was terrific and I was in that coma and when I came out of that coma after eight days I signed a power of attorney and then suddenly what happened is they took all the interveners feedings off of me after about a month and I was allowed to go downstairs and they were pushing me down in the wheelchair and during the course of the time some of the giants of alcoholics were called synonymous Harry Ryan John Potter Professor in the Paradox some of these other times there were Clarence Snyder my uncle my father-in-law they would push me down and I didn't know how to pray anymore I forgot the rosary I forgot to our father Hail Mary and they would tell me things and I wasn't listening because now I hated God because I knew my marriage was through I knew everything was through and I hated God so I was down there and one day Clarence Snyder said to me kid this thing is a celebration and when you come to Alcoholics Anonymous you want not only the cake you want the frosting on the cake you want the whipped cream and the cherry on the top Clarence had a long jaw and I figured this is Andy Grump what's he telling me that crap for I don't even like cake you know and I walked to Social Drinking now I thought he was a giant and brilliant guy because he had a 6th grade education he came out of Kingsbury run 11 guys went in 13 guys went in drinking they drank that radiator stuff out of the radiator and 12 of them died and he walked out and I thought he was smart so I believed him and then we started down every day day day and finally on October something I forget the date she came up to my room Sister Ignatia was still in a secondary tent and she said I'm going to allow you to leave here because you only were allowed one time in the hospitals at that time one time through no more and in her book she talks about she didn't believe in repeated admissions to the hospital because it makes it too damn easy to get sober she didn't believe in federal funding because President Kennedy offered her many times many many money Anthony Calabrese the head of health offer offered many and if you read the book you'll find that one of the bishops from Boston the archbishop I forget his name said that if she would have been the second mother Teresa had the bishop of Cleveland Ohio allowed her to go to accept all these honors that were bestowed upon her and she was the one who tried to help me and I finally one day was wheeled there and she said young man she said I would like you to go home and finish off your drunk because your attitude stinks I really don't think they do that in hospitals today I really don't and she said but if you come back again and you go out of here now and finish off that drunk you come back and I'll let you come to Rosary Hall because you never were down there more than 20 minutes and she said tell me in the morning and she turned around and she was walking to the door and I said I'll show you you little penguin and she said what did you say I said I'll talk to you in the morning sister and with that I went down to Rosary Hall never to take a drink again I left that hospital weighing 114 pounds no clothes fit me my wife was on her way to Florida she had sold all the beauty salons you see that was a long time in planning and I was broke and nothing so I hate God I'm going to meetings I'm not doing nothing one guy heard a story he got his wife back in 10 years on his anniversary I followed him around I listened to the qualifications and today I hear people say they don't want to hear qualifications but what do you do identify with want me to tell you my family are beautiful the kids are tip toned through the gardens I got nothing wrong in my life no the qualifications are what kept me coming back and that was the purpose when I started you qualify so someone could identify with you and I just didn't want to hear nothing they took me to meetings meetings meetings my sponsor come off the road and then my co-sponsor committed suicide his father's pictures in that one on the wall there Judge McDermott because his periods of sobriety were shorter than his periods of drinking and I don't believe people commit suicide when they're drunk I do it when they stop drinking and they've got nothing to fill that void and out there's the real world and reality is something an alcoholic can't stand we can't stand reality and you know he committed suicide because he has a big Ford dealership truck making money but he couldn't stand the reality he couldn't stay sober and he couldn't keep drinking getting drunk and he blew his brains out then my sponsor went back to drinking never ever degrading sobriety again so about Christmas time that year in 1961 I'm going up to the corner and screw AA this program is for bums not for people like me I'm a bigger bum than all of them I got nothing now and I went to buy booze up to a bar as I'm walking into a bar , a guy seen me at an AA meeting he stopped he said come on doc I want to talk to you and we sat down at Kenny King's restaurant and Kenny King was a man that came in the AA he died in 71 with 30 years of sobriety and we sat in the restaurant and talked and he took me home and sat with me all through the night and I didn't drink that man that night saved my life and 31 years ago or so that young man's that man's son walked into the first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous and I'm his sponsor today and he's here with me today Michael you see what goes around comes around you give it to someone today and it's going to come back to you twofold that's AA math and you know Michael is sober but I continued the fight and finally my sponsor was a big guy weighed at 340 at that time and he's sober now 49 years and not too long ago he was near death and the family called me in because that's what a sponsor is we were that close and they said what do you want us to do with Tony we've decided we want to pull things off him the ventilators and that and we don't want him he don't want to stay on the ventilators we know that but you tell me what you used to talk about and every night that we'd be out together and I didn't want to be on the ventilator and I knew he didn't want to be on the ventilator and it was the toughest thing I had to say that he don't want to be on the ventilator and I walked out of there crying because I knew that would be the last time I would see my sponsor alive and the next day I went back and I walked into that room and my sponsor was sitting up on the bed eating and I said to Tony what the hell happened to you he looked over at me and he was never a nice guy he said I'll show you I'll bury you a little bit he's home to me today and Monday I'm picking him up to take him to the first meeting since he's been in and out of the hospital you see I think there's a power in this room and there's a power in every room God is in this room but I don't know about God doing this for people God is not a cosmic bellboy I don't know if you're aware of it there are people at this moment being gifted in the gift of sobriety and they're turning it down I don't know if God is the answer and I'll tell you why I and if prayer was the answer why do we have Catholic priests in AA they pray better than I ever could pray you know God comes in and there's a moment that comes into our life of clarity that God gives to us and there's a moment someone in Skid Row in Atlanta where we had Marietta has got that moment of clarity now and he's not acting on it Alcoholics Anonymous is a program of action and you can get all the grace you want from God if you don't take an action nothing is going to work you're not going to work I hear people saying I'm willing well willingness without action is a fantasy these steps were written to be taken and you know I got stuff I'm one of the guys that brought Dr. Bob's home and we got a lot of history there and I thank God we put this archives together you have a beautiful display out there and you know the history is ours if we look at it and when they came to Alcoholics Anonymous from the Oxford group and all the other groups they took those steps the third step they did it on their knees at the house there in Akron or T.W. Williams' home when it moved out of Dr. Bob's home and then they immediately started an inventory so my sponsor took me to Gethsemane a Trappist monastery and there was a priest there by the name of Father John Doe better known as Father Ralph Fall who wrote the golden books and sobriety without end and I hate to give the tape a plug but he's got the cassettes there and maybe the golden books but he has them who was one of the most brilliant men I have ever met and this is only my opinion he knew more about Alcoholics Anonymous he knew more about the spiritual side and put it in the way that the average layman could understand it and he looked at me when he brought me there we drove all night we had no interstates at that time and I got to Gethsemane in Trappist monastery in Kentucky and he looked at me and he said kid I don't think you're happy here and I said how could you be happy you wouldn't be happy God took everything away from me and he looked at me and said kid let me tell you something God never took nothing away from you you gave it away you sacrificed everything you had on the altar of alcohol you sacrificed your wife your children your beauty salons and everything then I knew my sponsor told him about me and he said well you're powerless I said kind of he said did you ever have a power greater than yourself and I said yeah I heard them talking sometimes he said a tree or a light bulb he said well if you were God would you want a dog here and there do you want to use a tree and I said no he said would you power would you be helpless absolutely helpless my life was totally unmanageable he said that's step one I can't step two came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity and I said hold it for it I got papers at home to prove I'm sane he said that's not what I'm talking about he said I'm talking about going back to take a drink now after you've been sober for over a year and think it's going to be different he said that's insanity step two is he can step three we made a decision to turn our world and our life over to a power greater than ourselves as we understood them it's understood not understand with the faith of a child with the faith of a child you know the faith of a mustard seed as sister Ignatius used to say and you know that faith of a child you ever seen a child sit up on a table and the mother father comes by and he's maybe a year old six seven months old and he's standing up there and he's wobbly and he'll jump into the parents arms and that's god damn that's a power greater than himself or if you see them running down the driveway and they fall down and skin their knees and they start crying and the mother picks them up and kisses their knees and they stop crying that's a power greater than themselves as they understood it and we start to find and search for that power but that power is not lost he's been here all the time god has never been lost god has never been lost and then he said that fourth step he said after a b and c being convinced we immediately go into a fourth step inventory now it's possible that those first hundred men maybe there were forty that wrote it that's the exact amount it was probably that they knew nothing about it because they said at once we proceed into the fourth step inventory and since the advent of treatment centers and I'm going to get rid of some of the garbage because when you walk in with two bushels of garbage you want to hang on to it for six months and I hear people say you're not ready to take an inventory why aren't they ready they've been patted oh honey you're doing good just don't drink and go to meetings and they're my dog was over 15 years before he died never drank and didn't go to meetings either but I firmly believe when they wrote that book they said at once we proceed into the fourth step inventory to find the cause of our problem and I found that alcohol was never my problem I was at that monastery and I did exactly what he told me and I did that Friday night and Saturday I said I've got it written out and it didn't have to be the greatest inventory in the world it just what I thought was so bad that bothered me because he said take out the worst stuff you have and put it down on paper and then he said when I saw him that morning I said I finished it to the best of my ability he said that's enough he gave it to another human being for humility I didn't have that kind of humility to tell it to another guy that I didn't like so I went and told it to a monk and they weren't allowed to talk at that time they weren't allowed to read newspapers nothing no television no radio and I told him everything and he just looked there and I heard this guy used to go over the hill and get drunk and I even told him some things that never happened just to see if he would make a different face you know nothing moved him but I will tell you this I emptied everything out I had to empty out at that time and I felt a little better seven years later I came to rosary hall that monk had left the monastery he was an alcoholic he joined AA and he became the spiritual director of rosary hall see it says in the book we go to a clergyman or somebody else today everybody is taking everybody else's inventory and that's great if you believe in it I just don't want to hear anybody's inventory because they may have something they've done that I don't like and I don't want to lose them as a friend because I must have done something right to stand up here for this length of time and it was not always easy I've had major heart attacks I've had open heart surgery I had gall bladder attacks I've had and I never saw my children until 1973 didn't know where they were at nothing so if you haven't got your children don't cry too much because you gave them away that's what I did my wife took them away from me and I thank her now because I realized I could never handle them and when they came back in 1973 they called and said your kids are coming off the plane they're yours take care of them I'll see you don't call me I'll call you so I took them boys off that plane and one boy was I think in about 15 years old he had paranoid schizophrenia and I didn't know nothing about it came off that plane totally wild like an animal my daughter came off when she left there she was being breastfed and my son came off the one here in Atlanta he's younger than my boy by one year year and a half and I had to take those children in I was married by then again I married a girl in AA I was back in the beauty business again and I was doing well and then started around every year until 1988 that boy was in a mental institution and you know the thing that's sad about his disease is that he can't cure it himself and if you be moaning the fact that I don't think it's happening here at these conferences you people paid to get here you're not like the ones that come in here with these papers sign this put it right here you are the best position you've got you're the only one that can cure your disease my son would come to seven meetings a day if he could get cured so all those years in that hospital and it would take a toll on my wife and it took a toll she took a pill because her nerves were bothering her and from that pill came the booze and from the booze came the wine and she died within a year and a half never again sobriety again I can tell you about both sides I could be an Al-Anon you know and I could understand the depths of despair that these women go through because I really never beat my wife with what I did to them verbally and the things I did by being away from home but the last wife I had I loved her the one that died but after nine years of sobriety why could I tell her something that would make her want to stay sober I'll tell you why because I'm not God I don't think a doctor is God I don't think psychiatrists are God I don't think our counselors are God they get sober in God's time people get sober in God's time when that moment of clarity comes and if we don't act upon it we're not going to make it and one day there's no handle on that door that you can grab onto and then what do you do then and I hear people say well I'll kill myself sure that's easy it's not hard or I'll go live on the streets well I'm going to tell you something it's difficult to live on the streets it takes guts to live on the streets it's not the easiest way out sometimes death is easier but you know it's so much easier to come to Alcoholics Anonymous and be welcomed here and just have to follow the rules there are rules in Alcoholics Anonymous and the rules we learn are the rules that we're allowed to pass on to someone else there's a pamphlet set of God had spoken to the alcoholic he didn't give this to the learned man he didn't give it to the psychiatrist he didn't give it to the doctor he didn't give it to the lawyers didn't give it to the priest he gave it to two drunks because they understood our problem and I believe that today and you know I don't know how the treatment centers are here in this city but we have no more treatment centers in Cleveland and I tell you if you can't get someone in a treatment center they don't have no blue cross or whatever cards they get today just send them out they're drunk and if they can't stand getting sober on their own punch a cop because when you come out of jail you'll be sober not hard you'll be sober and if you want it there may be a sponsor willing to help you be in charge with people's lives and it means we tell them the truth and sometimes you tell your best friend the truth you may lose your friend but at least you can go to bed at night and know that you are fortunate down here through the south and Virginia and Carolina you've got a lot of conferences in Cleveland the city where we're almost the birthplace of AA we don't have a conference why we don't I don't ever know but you know I know that this thing works you know it's been so good to me I got my kids back and my boy got in 1988 they came out with a wonder drug and they said if I signed the papers if my boy went back to being an animal then it was my fault and they said if he gets better fine and I didn't want to sign those papers and for 20 some years I was talking about trusting God I want each and every one of you believe in God but how many you trust God there's a difference between believing and trust you know and trust comes to earn it's earned by believing in God and doing things that you trust them with your life and we always can say I could turn my life over to the care of God when something happens we change you know we change and I had to sign those papers and the priest told me hey Don you've been talking about trusting God put your money where your mouth is I signed those papers and I tell you today that boy is doing well as well as you can be expected for completing only 13 year olds at school he's not where he should be but God has let me live long enough that I could take care of him and he's doing better my boy here in Atlanta they are but you know all I can do is turn it over there's nothing I can do you know and I think when you lose a son or daughter that's got to be the most devastating thing in your life because we all expect to go first and you know my two boys one was always good the other one was a problem with the mental occasions but you know if I had to do my life all over again I'd take the same role because if we all threw our crosses in the middle of the ring we'd pick up our own cross today because it fits our back better and if we put this program into life the way it was supposed to be put into our life following the principles of Alcoholics Anonymous life will get better you know I know there's another thing I know that I've seen changes and I see you know I sometimes go to a conference I go to a meeting and someone starts whose father I yell jeopardy I want them to know and you want to say the prayer we say we pray the prayer our father taught us not whose father how about the ones who are out there go out and get drunk what happened to God didn't he watch everyone he gives you the opportunity to do good or bad he gives you the opportunity to run your own life free will is what we've got so in closing I want to just tell you this I'm glad I'm here I think I thank the people that invited me but I just want to say this there's a pamphlet called the members I view it's a conference approved pamphlet the Baptist is language and inheritance prison and he said go out and find my cousin Jesus and see if he's the Messiah and if you find him tell him I want to get out of prison so as they walk through Jerusalem there's God talking in parables to three or four people and they ask him you tell John only what you'll see and what you'll hear in the next hour or so and you tell him the good news at that time which was the gospel is still being carried through Jerusalem through the longest day and the darkest night so as they start along this path along the river there's a man laying on the crib and Jesus said to him pick up your crib and drag yourself into the river and when you walk out you will not be lame so the man and you know why he walked the lameness was gone because he took an action action is the magic word in alcoholics anonymous and then he came to the blind man he said go into the river and rub your mud on your eyes and when you come out you'll see after you wash the mud off and the man went into the river and put mud on his eyes and when he walked into the river with the skin falling off it must have burned them but they walked in and when they came out they were all grateful they were cleansed but there's another thing that's a correlation there the same as a we're all grateful we're sober but only one came back to help Jesus and he had gratitude and I tell you tonight if you would ask me what I've seen in almost 38 years I've seen the lame walk I've seen the blind see and I've seen the sick get well and through the longest day and the darkest night I've seen the good news of Alcoholics Anonymous still being carried out and the elephants are going through and the band is playing and the trapeze artists are swinging from the top of the trails trucks that they're bringing them into the big tent down the road and everybody's there and the boys watching all of this and he watches that whole process of , he's afraid go by into the tent and he's up at the end and the end the clown comes by and he said mister who do I pay for seeing the circus and the man said you dipped his hat and he said you can pay me son and the kid took the quarter dropped it into the hat ran home and told his mother he said mom he said I saw the circus and the mother looks at the clock it's 2.15 and she said Johnny she said next year when the circus comes into town go into the big tent I invite all of you to come into the big tent of Alcoholics Anonymous thank you very much