A Few Drinks Make Me Feel Momentarily Omnipotent 🤣 – Clancy I.

My name is Clancy Immersland and I'm an alcoholic. I'm very glad to be here
tonight. I want to thank him for that wonderful introduction. It's always nice to shake
hands with the chairman as you come up. Couldn't wait to get out of here. And Joe,
I, this probably sounds like it's pretty emotional on short notice, but as far as I
can tell, it's really true. If I just had one day left to live and one meeting in my
life left, I would like to have you chair it. Really. I know it would make it seem like
it was forever. I'm glad to be here tonight. I've got a lot of time, actually. I had some
playoff time.
I have tickets for Wednesday night, but I don't have to hurry back for that anymore.
So I will have to take refuge as a Braves fan. I used to see the Braves play all the
time when they were in Milwaukee. So I was an old Milwaukee Braves fan when Eddie Matthews
and Hank Aaron and all those guys were playing. And so I've kind of a warm spot in my heart
for, I'm glad the Braves won, really. If the Dodgers could, I'm glad the Braves won.
It doesn't make a difference to anybody anyway.
Having lunch Thursday with an ex-Dodger first baseman, who was probably one of their best
first baseman ever. And he was saying, I hate to say this, but he said, I'd like to see
the Braves win. He said, they're young, hungry, vibrant guys. And our guys are all kind of
old and overpaid and they're blase. I'd like to see those young guys do it. So I'm glad
they won.
And then to increase my pleasure, tonight I was able to, when I was getting ready to
come down here, I was able to see the Raiders get beat by the Braves.
Chargers, who won their first game of the year. I know how it feels like to be a Falcon
fan, I guess.
This has not been a good day for sports, folks, in Los Angeles, I'll tell you. But I'm glad
to be here. I want to briefly apologize to the Al-Ana speaker. I don't know if she's
still here. Sue, are you here anywhere? Probably not. She had to go, she had to leave?
The voice over?
No, I'm not.
I'm not.
No, I'm not.
I'm not.
I'm not.
I apologize for it.
Hello there.
Never did like her
now that I think about it.
But I came in
near the end of her talk.
I just came in
and I sat down
briefly
to get out of the way
and she noticed me come in
and then I had to
I had to leave
to have to think
my bags were sitting
out in the lobby
and I hadn't checked in
and so I went back out again
and I could just hear
give me the
the ray
as I walked back out
she gave me a
a full scale release.
And now she's gone away
and
but fortunately
her husband's sponsor
I'm his sponsor
so I'll shake her up
next week.
We are here tonight
to
talk a little bit
about alcohol
is my guess
and its problems
and its recovery
there
from
and I'm glad
I'm glad to be in Columbus
I've never been in Columbus before
and I
I know a little bit about it
and it's a nice historical city
but I'm primarily glad
to be here
to discuss this
subject
because it's one that
baffled me
most of my life.
Like most of you
I suppose
I
I had a lot of difficulty
accepting the fact
that I needed to be here
and I had a lot of difficulty
accepting the fact
there was anything here
I needed.
Because all of my adult life
I've had the feeling
that there's something
different about me
and it's the sort of difference
that
simple therapies
like Alcoholics Anonymous
don't have much effect on.
I
in looking over my life
it seems to me
that most of my life
I've had the feeling
that
my emotions
seem to be more intense
than other people's
and I don't know why
but it's almost as though
it's
I feel
it's
too intense
I
remember years ago
when I was
long before I ever stayed sober
but I went to an AA meeting
and I
guy said
what do you think your problem is
I said
I think I'm too sensitive
and he laughed
just like you laughed
and I never told anybody that again
but I always felt it
but I never told anybody
which
again told me
that was something different
that was something different
that was something
other people didn't have
and that's why they laughed at it.
I
I come from a little town
up in New York
northern Wisconsin
a little town
and
when I was a young boy
I
early in the second world war
I escaped
and I
was full of enthusiasm
and joy
and
zip
and I
early in the second world war
I wanted to get out of there
and I
I hitchhiked to San Francisco
I had no idea
how far it was
I looked in the
school library
and the map
and it was about a page and a half
didn't seem very far
and I
I hadn't been anywhere
it was dumb and small
and little
and I
thank God
I was able to get out of there
and one guy
picked me up
outside of Minneapolis
and drove me all the way
to San Francisco
and I didn't know
it was unusual
I just thought
that's how you do it
you hitchhike
and he was in the Navy
and he was driving out to the west
to get a ship
and I was telling him
I want to get the Marines
and kill the Japs
and I was about this big
face full of
pimples
and he just said
well kid
they may not be ready
to use you quite yet
but
he
he took me all the way
to San Francisco
put me on a ferry boat
one morning
at six o'clock
in the morning
in Oakland
gave me a buck
and
I got to San Francisco
and I went up to this
he told me how to get
to the Coast Guard office
and I went up there
and I applied
I was 15
I applied for
C
he said
tell them you want to be
a merchant seaman
and I didn't know anything
I said
I want to be a merchant seaman
he said
but tell them you're 16
I said I'm 16
I guess they were crying
for me
and they gave me an application
and I filled it out
and
then they said
while you're only 16 kid
you'll have to have your parents
give their permission
so I took it
around the block
and got my parents to sign
and
came back
and they issued me
seaman's papers
that's how desperate
they were at that time
they told me how to get
to the National Maritime Union
I went down there
and they were crying
for guys to put on ships
and they said
sign this waiver
to take care of your union dues
and I signed the waiver
and union dues
and they sent me over
to the Embarcadero
and I went over
to see these enormous ships
they had one of these ships
couldn't believe my eyes
said anything's that big
and just got on there
and away they went
and I
uh
I remember that day
so clearly
I'd never felt
salt air before
I'd never seen
anything like this
big ships
I remember going
underneath the
Bay Bridge
and somebody said
that's Treasure Island
that's where the
World's Fair was
a couple years ago
and we went by
Treasure Island
and Alcatraz
and
tried to see
Al Capone
and underneath
the Golden Gate Bridge
I'd seen pictures
of that in school
and god
it's just
magnificent
we just kept
sailing
and pretty soon
the earth was going
out of sight
and I had an intuitive
feeling I suppose
that I had made
the first in an endless
series of career errors
and I sidled up
to one of the guys
with a gold hat
and said
this is very nice
but I've got to get back now
I've got a big English test
Monday
and I guess he wished me well
he told me to luck off
and another guy said
go to your fo'c'sle
it's in there
and I didn't know
what a fo'c'sle was
but it sounded terrible
and I had my little bag
and I wanted this
fo'c'sle
have you ever been on a ship
a ship means that's
where the crew sleeps
sleeping rooms
and I was in a
I was in a room
it turned out later
with one watch
one deck watch
four guys in a room
and you were the deck watch
for one
four hour period
two
and so I went in there
I didn't know that
I didn't know that there were
I didn't know that there were
I didn't know that there were
I saw three of the worst
type of people
that any small
skinny
pimply face
dumbbell
kid could ever
see
these kind of people
are called
men
and I guess when they saw me
they realized
oh Jesus
they know they're going to
have to do their work
and a third of mine
from then
each of them
because I didn't know anything
I could see there was
a little tension in the air
so I told them
some little stories
that used to kill them
in study hall
and they
why don't you get
your god damn bunk
and shut up
and
so I got my god damn
bunk
and shut up
and that old boat
was going around
and
I started to get seasick
and the lad
was out of sight
and then these guys
started talking
and it turns out
they were
they'd been in San Francisco
about four days
five days
and they'd been
doing terrible things
I just
I'm a Norwegian
Lutheran
and we are
we lead a pretty
sheltered life
and I just
had never heard
of anything like that
I just couldn't
believe my ears
I thought
these are sinners
these people must be Catholics
and
they got talking about sex
and I just
I just turned my face
to the wall
I mean
don't give the wrong
I don't give the wrong impression
even at the age of 15
in Eau Claire, Wisconsin
I'd had sex
but I'd been apprehensive
and I'd been afraid
and I'd been alone
and I had never
seen
I'd never
I'd never
I'd never
I didn't know
these pictures
came to life
in San Francisco
I don't know
that I ever felt worse
than I did that day
one of these guys
went to his locker
and got in a sea bag
and did something
I didn't know
it was absolutely illegal
took out a bottle of whiskey
he turned to his friend
he said
do you want to snort
he said yeah
to me
do you want to snort
he said yeah
and he turned to me
with a
had a singularly
unpleasant look
on his face
now that I'm more
sophisticated
very slick
I'd have called it
a demeaning look
a repatriating look
or something
but then it was just
pleasant or unpleasant
and this was unpleasant
he said
how about you
junior
you think you're
man enough
for a little snort
he shoved that bottle
in my face
and
all sports fans
are familiar
with a phenomenon
called choking
Dodgers just did it
this weekend
but I mean
what that means
in effect
is that you get
so wrapped up
with emotion
you cannot function
just an invisible hand
comes out of your shirt
goes
oh
, oh
and if you're batting
you just
oh
the ball
and if you're playing football
you wait for a putt
and oh
oh god
you know
on and on
but it also happens
in the real world
of conversation
you just
I couldn't talk
I just
oh
now this sounds strange
I had never
to the best of my knowledge
I'd never been in the same room
with a bottle of whiskey
at that age
I'd never seen one close up
I'd seen them in movies
but I'd never seen
a bottle of whiskey
that's incredible today
and I was raised
in a church
where you didn't
ever drink
and I
I couldn't say anything
but I just thought at them
as fast and as hard
as I could
I could just
I could just feel
my pimple standing up
you know
and I was thinking
how dare you
put that whiskey
in my face
I'm a Norwegian Lutheran
Norwegian Lutherans
don't drink whiskey
even if they did
I promised both
my mother and grandmother
I would never drink whiskey
even if I hadn't promised them
what I know about life
I learned at the movies
and in my era
at any rate
good guys
never drank
bad guys drank
Errol Flynn
never took a drink
in his life
as far as I know
never in Sherwood Forest
all with some old
crap head
like Basil Rathbone
or
some other fool
I
I just
couldn't stand the idea
and that guy
sticking that in my face
and just
saying
you think you're man enough
for a little snort
and I was thinking at him
and I heard a voice say
God damn right
I'm a little weak
under pressure too
so I had my first drink
and it burned my mouth
and burned my throat
and burned my stomach
and burned my stomach
and burned my throat
and burned my mouth
and burned his shirt
get the bottle
wipe that little bastard
and I was humiliated
what I remember
about that moment
is that I was humiliated
not the sickness
the humiliation
because there's nothing
in the world
worse than being insecure
and not being
knowing you're inadequate
and having people
notice it
and publicly
laugh at you
that's the kind of thing
if you had a gun
you'd just shoot people
momentary anger
and rage
I thought later
I had nothing I could do
but there's one thing
I might have done
I'm glad I didn't think of it
they'd have
thrown me overboard
but what I might have done
if I'd have thought of it
I'd have said
hey buddy
lean over
yeah
take that
give him a zip
right in the old eye
just to teach him
but all the way
across the Pacific Ocean
every day
I'd sneak into that guy's
sea bag
when nobody's around
and take a drink
of that slop
and I hated it
and I'd throw it up
but I would do
anything to be
to have those guys
not laugh at me
and we were
in Pearl Harbor
got into Pearl Harbor
got practically still
smoking on Fort Island
and war hadn't been
going on very long
these guys were up on deck
and I was down
and the folks
were trying to drink
another drink of that slop
and I took a drink
and burned my throat
and burned my stomach
and stayed there
and I thought
oh god
if I could just do this
and smile
oh
and all of a sudden
I got a wonderful feeling
at the moment
all I thought of
this
I really feel
much better
that's all I ever thought about
and it made me feel
significantly better
and
I suddenly realized
I am just like those guys
in retrospect
I think I felt
that was the first time
I ever felt
the way men looked
and it just made me feel wonderful
I'd known a sea chanty
I'd have sung it
then I got sick
and threw up
and went away again
but for a few moments
I realized
that's the way men feel
and I didn't become
a terrible old drunk after that
I tried to learn to drink
little by little
later in the war
I went in the Navy
and drank
I didn't become
a terrible old drunk
I don't necessarily
like being drunk
and in trouble
I like to drink though
and have that feeling
and at the end of the war
I was in the Naval Hospital
up in Northern California
getting drunk
and I was like
and sewed up
and I took some tests
they were passing
out to everybody
so I was able to
get a high school equivalency
I'm still a junior
in Eau Claire High School
and I went to college
after the war
and
and
fell into the trap
that other people
fell into
of
all the veterans
the first post-war
class of veterans
we all stood around
on street corners
trying to look like
steely eyed
sex crazed killers
and
got married in college
because everybody
was getting married
where I live
everybody in the whole town
has got brown hair
or blonde hair
so if you see any girl
with black hair
it always looks exotic
I met this girl
with black hair in college
and she was a Catholic
my grandmother
tried to warn me
she said
oh Sonny
she said
she's a nice girl
but don't marry a Catholic
you'll be sorry
I said
Grandma
we've been over there
in the Pacific
fighting the forces
of fascism
bigotry
so we don't have to fight
we don't have to live
with intolerance
she's a wonderful girl
we're going to get married
and I married that girl
and my grandmother
was frightened
it's
it isn't that
she was a bad girl
she was a good girl
and I don't know
if you ever
good
I don't know if you ever
know this
but there's something
they never tell
little Lutheran boys
if you marry a good
Catholic girl
you are about to become
the head of a rapidly
growing family
whether you want one
or not
I used to
plead with her
I said
can't we use birth control
she said no
you know
I think about it now
everybody was so repressed
I was so repressed
that if she had said yes
I don't know how the hell
I would have gotten you
birth control
I'd have been ashamed
to ask for it
in my
I guess that's the
that's the difference
in generations
in the late 1940s
guys would go into
the drug store
and they'd say
hey
give me a pack of cigarettes
and some condoms
now at least
in my neighborhood
they'd go and say
hey
give me some
condoms
and some cigarettes
I guess
I guess that's progress
I'd plead with her
I'd say
I'd try to help her
I'd say
we don't have to take orders
from some old guy in Rome
wearing a white dress
do we
and that didn't do any good
and she had a priest
come by one day
and he gave me a
hour and a half
on the rhythm system
which I don't know
if you know what that is
that's the Catholic
version of birth control
and I listened intently
and I just couldn't
pick up that beat
I started my career
as a distributor
of small Catholics
nationally
it's one of the reasons
I don't have any hair in front
do you know how many times
I've said
you're what
but I went out into the world
and I became a sports writer
and I became a sports writer
and on newspapers
and then my wife
kept having babies
so I had to get better jobs
and I got advertising
public relations
get a lot of jobs
and became somewhat successful
intermittently
but my problem always was
it seemed to me
as far back as I remember
I'm always fighting
these damn emotions
these damn feelings
and these feelings of anxiety
and despair
and loneliness sometimes
and all kinds of things
and they're not all there at once
they come and go
like a bubbling pot
I was a sports writer
and I was a sports writer
as a young man
I realized
you can't really
live with this kind of stuff
so I went to psychoanalysis
and a lot of people say
you shouldn't go to psychoanalysis
and they say
is that an A
but I loved it
now of course
I went years ago
AA's been kind of
I mean
analysis has been kind of
spoiled in the last few years
because so many little people
have been there
but
in my day
just the thinkers were there
and I was a sports writer
and I discovered things
for instance
I discovered I had been
repressed by the Norwegian Lutheran Church
now I'll tell you
I was so sorry to hear that
because I don't kind of like the church
you know
and now it turns out
they psychologically repressed me
and that it caused deep scars
and I thought
damn them
damn them
if I knew now
what I knew then
I mean if I knew then
what I know now
I should say
I would have formed
adult children
of Norwegian Lutherans
we could have
hired a couple
co-dependents
and sat around
and been pissed off
every week
I have a granddaughter
who's graduating this year
at the University of New Mexico
and I haven't given
my grandchildren much
I haven't given her much
I've given her blue eyes
all my children have brown eyes
and all my grandchildren
have blue eyes like me
some kind of recessive gene
and I've given them
all kind of a sick
sense of humor
and she's telling me
that she's thinking
in Albuquerque
at the University
starting the first chapter
of children
of adult children
of alcoholics
and I said
why do you want to start
a thing like that
she says
I just like the
like the acronym
CACA
well
I sent her to her room
I discovered
I'd been deprived
as a child
I discovered
that I had to
I had been
deprived
I didn't know that
I didn't know there'd been
a depression
until the psychiatrist
told me later
but I didn't have anything
I remember
I started innocuously
one day the doctor said
you mean to say
Mr. Emerson
at this time in 1935
in this little town
you didn't have a bicycle
I said no
but I got thinking about it
on the way home
I began to remember
I'd never had anything
it took me about
two months
for about two months
every time I wanted
to really go into
a deep
meaningful depression
I'd think about that
now we always say
people like us
we don't want depressions
we all want depressions
we need them every so often
just to rinse off
it's like having
your own portable cross
you just set it up
don't forgive them father
they know what they do
I used to think
I guess you get
a mental picture
of my mind
of a little
tousled haired
apple-tongued
blue-eyed
kind of brave
little tyke
clean but raggedy clothes
watching his little friends
ride their bicycles
don't worry about me
I'll go into psychoanalysis
it took me almost
two months to remember
nobody had a bicycle
in Eau Claire
one kid finally got one
we beat him up
and broke his bicycle
but I discovered
a lot of things
in psychoanalysis
I had breakthroughs
that sent shivers
down my spine
I began to realize
that just a
a mass of scars
I guess that's good
information to have
but for people like me
what it does
it really has
a terrible effect
it plays to the victim
inside of me
and boy
most of my life
I've always
enjoyed being a victim
because when I'm a victim
it's not my fault
in fact that's something
to think about
in AA sometimes
if I forget to say it later
but I'm not a victim
I'm not a victim
I'm not a victim
I'm not a victim
and that is
most of us
have played part of our lives
becoming victims
and we get in therapies
that tell us
we're victims
and the one thing
that makes AA stand out
is that for the first time
you can become
the hero of your life
you don't have to be
a damn victim anymore
you don't have to
lay down
and whimper
how sad it is
but when you go through it
you don't know anybody
it seems like
boy I'm a victim
and a lot of things
and I
one of the things
that kept me going
I spent thousands of dollars
a lot of time
doing it
is that I always
had the feeling
I'm sure a lot of you
have it right now
if I can just
find out
why I have
all these damn feelings
if I can just
get to the root
of these feelings
I'll be alright
and I spent
thousands and thousands
of dollars
in years of my life
examining why
in different therapies
and I want to give you
some good news
and some bad news
the good news is
you can find out
why you have
these feelings
in different therapies
you'll get different answers
but they'll appear
to be valid
the bad news is
it doesn't help
you wind up
feeling crappy
and knowing why
I think the only
possible use
of that information
might be late night
in a bar
where somebody says
hey
what the hell's wrong
with you
well I'm emotionally
scarred
I never had a bicycle
and then
shut up
, later on
I got into metaphysics
because I was getting
my emotions were getting
worse and worse
and I had to go to the whip
I had to get
I got into metaphysics
I was about half crazy
by this time
so I really had a head start
I was really
in there with a finite
oneness of the universal self
and
I don't like to gloat
it's hard enough
you know
to live in the south
without having people
come down here to gloat
but
I'm just
just joking
I'm just joking
I'm just joking
I'm just joking
but at one time
to the best of my knowledge
I was one of
six people
in the state of Texas
who knew truth
and I thought
that would make them
respect me
but they put me
in the insane asylum
so they did
I read books
let me
let me
if there's any
terrible depressives here
if you want to read
something that'll help you
there's a book called
The Decline of the West
by a man named
Oswald Spengler
who was a
German
philosopher of sorts
he was a
he was a
he wrote murky stuff
I mean
let me tell you about
reading philosophy also
people are looking
if you're by yourself
you can say
what?
what the hell is this all about?
but if people are looking
you say
how true
but this
Decline of the West
proves that
everything you believe in
all your ideals
all the people
all the places
all the institutions
that seem wonderful
are all false
the whole world
is a scam
and it's just a big laugh
and I don't know why
but if you're depressive
that cheers you up
I don't know why
another one I'd like to recommend
if you want to even go crazier
you might
you might like
a man named Nietzsche
Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche
who
what I liked about him
is this
I was raised in
as I said
the Norwegian Lutheran Church
and I can joke about it
but there's one thing you know
in the Norwegian Lutheran Church
if you become a sinner
or monkey with Catholics
you're going to go to hell
and I'd become a sinner
and then I'm monkeyed
with Catholics
so there was not much hope
and I could joke about it
and pretend to be
I don't care
but late at night
it's like Hitler says
you give me their minds
till they're 12
and there'll be a little bit
of Nazi in them
till they're 90
and you let me educate
some kid
that if you're bad
you're going to go to hell
till he's 12
when he's grown up
unless something happens
when he's
two o'clock in the morning
he wakes up
he knows he's going to go to hell
and I didn't like that
I joined
imitation
atheistic societies
and
dispelled
belief in God
one time a guy and I
in Dallas
we were so cute
they caught us
before somebody
blew the whistle at us
but God it would have been cute
we had a
we were going to put
in the Dallas phone book
a dial-up prayer
for atheists
where you dial this number
and nobody would ever answer
you just
you know
that's what you can do
when you're really cute
but I
but what I liked about Nietzsche
one of his characters
one of his pieces says
why are you concerned about God?
God is dead
he perhaps once lived
to set the orbs of world
but look at the chaos about you
natural law continues
but no divine intervention
do not be afraid of God
God no longer exists
I remember reading that
thinking boy
that's good news
that is good news
that's true
I got a chance
and I remember reading that
and I
I like Nietzsche
let me tell you how
people warp things though
there's a theological seminary
in Chicago
that has that quotation
on the wall
and I'm like
it says
God is dead
signed Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche
1884
and beneath it it says
Nietzsche is dead
signed God
1906
you know
shit
there's always
always something bad
happening in Chicago
try to remember
what row you're in miss
I
read books
I did a lot of things
but the one thing
that helped me the most
is something I paid
very little attention to
is that
when my emotions
got out of whack
the thing that helped them
better than anything
in the world
was a few drinks
a few drinks
and I know that's
no lasting answer
but by God
a few drinks
makes me feel better
if I could
synthesize my emotions
into
into a
general category
I would say that
primarily
in retrospect
nearly all of my life
it always seemed to me
that of myself
I am not quite enough
and I don't know why
but they seem to know it
and they act like
I'm not enough
but they don't tell me why
but there's something
different about me
that I'm not quite enough
I need something
extra going for me
and in addition to that
I have very few defenses
because it seems to me
other people
are born with a little
at least a little armor
to protect them
against the slings and arrows
of outrageous fortune
as it were
but somehow or other
my armor's been stuck open
and people can just
get to me
with things
and they make me
I don't know
I don't know
I try not to show it
but my gut churns
a tone of voice
a memo
a change of things
just
I can't stand rejection
because
I just know
I should be rejected
so I can't stand rejection
and the other thing
is that I
whenever I have become
somewhat successful
it's always accompanied
by a kind of
a cold
nameless fear
they're going to
find me out
I don't even know
if they're going to find out
but they're going to
find me out
I didn't have to
I didn't identify
at the time
I could see it in retrospect
and so I go through life
not quite enough
and feeling vulnerable
and
and
this cold fear
and I tried a lot of therapies
but I'll tell you something
a few drinks
is the only thing
that I've ever found
in my life
that almost instantly
beats that condition
a few drinks
at least if you're like me
takes people
who are not quite enough
and makes them
somewhat more
than enough
a few drinks
takes people
who feel highly vulnerable
and makes them
temporarily
invulnerable
a few drinks
takes people
who
have fear
makes them
momentarily
omnipotent
screw you
Jack
a few drinks
I'll tell you
a few drinks
makes me feel
the way men look
and always has
and I
I
the only problem
I've ever had
with alcohol
is that
I have an unfortunate
tendency to drink
too much sometimes
I overfill
my holes
and then I have
a little difficulty
because I have a tendency
sometimes
my psychiatrist said
I was repressed
so long
that when I burst loose
I become a little flamboyant
and I like to be
with other flamboyant people
let's go to Juarez
I want to be around
people who say
yeah
I don't want to be around
some wimp who says
why
it's so late
screw you Jack
I want
I like
drinking adds a little
technicolor
to a grey tunnel
called life
I'm sure most of you
have known that
that life is primarily
a grey
endless
stinking tunnel
a few little things
here and there
that's what I always hate
about AA
you go to AA
you go to AA
and it's just
it's a constricted
grey tunnel
I guess for the rest
of your life
you get up every morning
and just say
oh good
another endless
damn grey day
look at the hall
it's just wonderful
I'm so happy
to be sober
is there anything
up ahead
I can look forward to
yes there is
after a year
a hatch opens
and some scrawny arm
drops a 39 cent cake
whoops
that's all
that's all
hello
and I guess a lot of people
like that
but repressed people
don't
people have had a lot
of internal scarring
people have been
victimized
I need a little
excitement
and so I drink
and I drink a little
too much sometimes
and sometimes I get
really drink too much
and sometimes I get
a little flamboyant
so a lot of people
think my problem
is alcohol
I don't know
it isn't
so I was sent
to my first AA meeting
in 1949
that's a long time ago
that's a long time ago
before some of you
were born
and I hated it
I mean
I was 22
22 doesn't sound
very young now
but then nobody
heard of anybody
within 20 years of it
they looked at me
like I was some
young freak
they looked at me
like they were
old burned out fools
is what they were
in their late 30s
and 40s
just
you know
I thought I was
in God's waiting room
you know
there wasn't any room
for young people
that's one of the things
I try to remember
now to say
because
there's so many
young people in AA
there's a whole row
of them here and there
throughout this room
there's a lot of
young people
in my home group
in Los Angeles
and
and I sometimes
have to remember
to tell them
so I'll tell you too
that
you are the
AA
young people
the leaders
of tomorrow
and if you're like
the young people
in our group
I'm really glad
I'm going to be dead
Jesus Christ
they just make me crazy
I
but
I went to AA
for a while
but there was no answer
and I
and I had to cycle down
I got to other therapies
and I did a lot of things
but
I went to AA
from time to time
the trouble with AA
is this
there's something
that differentiates me
from them
my problems
are rather deep
and complex
and I can't get a fix
on them
their problems
is primarily
alcohol
and they get sober
and shape up
and straighten up
their act
and they feel good
when I get sober
and try to straighten up
my act
I feel good
for a little bit
until one day
here come my pals
back
fear
and desperation
and loneliness
and loneliness
and feeling different
and restlessness
that our book says
discontent
and
there's a low level feeling
I never even identified
I had it all my life
I never even identified
until the guy told it to me
telling me his inventory
one night
I was so crossed
that he had more insight
than I was
I almost pushed him on my car
but
now
one of the great emotions
of my life
was something
I never paid any attention
because it's very flamboyant
it's just a low level
almost continual feeling
of unease
just kind of
this is
this isn't it either
this isn't what I wanted
I thought it was
but it isn't
and always
I need something more
and drinking
a few drinks
changes that
drinking has a little
technicolor
I need a little
technicolor
you know
years ago
I started sitting
with my older grandchildren
now we're younger
at Christmas time
we used to have
the Wizard of Oz
at Christmas time
I'd sit in my big chair
I thought that'd be
a nice image
watch the Wizard of Oz
I did that over the years
I still do
keep having grandchildren
but
endless supply
Jesus
love the little tykes
I'll tell you a little something
that you may have
never learned
till now
and you'll never hear it
in another AA meeting
as long as you live
now you were lucky enough
to be here tonight
to hear it
this is my own
breakthrough
perhaps you've noticed
why
grandchildren
and grandparents
get along very well
as a rule
they really get along
quite well
and people say
why can that be
they share
a common enemy
I wouldn't want that
to get outside of this room
but I sit with
and watch this Wizard of Oz
for 20 years now
and at the end
I just
even to this day
I feel like saying
Dorothy!
don't go back
to Kansas!
Christ it's all grey
back there
stay with the technicolor
you know
there may be wicked witches here
you get used to them
I did
you know
Jesus
drinking is just
something great
I love drinking
and I drink too much sometimes
and I get in trouble
and I'm a little too flamboyant
and it costs me problems
and I
try to do it differently
and I
I kind of have a checkered career
one spring
I was nominated to be
Junior Chamber of Commerce
Young Man of the Year
in the suburb of Chicago
by the end of that same year
I was playing piano
in a cheap bar in San Francisco
my family stuck in a fire melt
in Wisconsin
with their parents
a year and a half later
I was on the faculty
of the University of Texas
directing a grand opera
end of that year
I was in the Texas State
Insane Asylum
directing a Christmas pageant
you know
not quite as complex
as an opera
you know
I was in the Texas State Insane Asylum
the director's main job
was trying to keep
the three wise men
off the Virgin Mary
if you possibly
we just want to
worship her
Cliancy
back Lamar
back
the year after that
I was in
Dallas
the largest advertising
agency in the South
some guys
people decided
I'd learned
my lesson
and some guys
and I were writing
these old
Elsie and Elmer ads
for the board
if you're old enough
to remember
those old cows
talking to each other
and eight months
after that
I was on the floor
of the Phoenix trunk tank
waking up
and the guy
just got done
kicking all my front teeth
down my throat
you vomit on my drunk
my bunk
you're drunk
I woke up that morning
I was one of the few mornings
I was ever glad
I'd been in psychoanalysis
because
once you've been
in psychoanalysis
at least you get
some overview
and some insight
and I was so sick
I couldn't move my head
out of the way
of the way this guy
threw my shoe
while he kicked
my teeth out
but I was almost
instantly able
to identify his problem
I remember thinking
this son of a bitch
is overreacting
you know
makes you feel
a little better
and
a couple months
after that
I found myself
being thrown out
of a skid row mission
and stay out
literally
stay out
literally
physically
through men
I try to explain to the guy
I'm not a bum
three years ago
I directed a grand opera
ads that I wrote
with some other guys
are running this very week
in Life
and Collier
and Serving Post
are running right now
the ads I wrote
two years ago
I've had my picture
in the New York Times
for achievement
how many people
do you know
have had their picture
in the New York Times
for achievement
but it's hard to explain
these things in mid-air
you know
when you have
no front teeth
you can't hit
those
consonants
quite as cleanly
as you'd like
when I stood
outside of a skid row
mission
and if a guy
had come up to me
and said
are you an alcoholic
pal
I'd have to say
no I'm not
but I wish I were
I wish I were
I would be something
if I were
but there's
something
different
about me
and I don't know
what it is
I don't know
what it is
and I can't find out
and nobody
will tell me
it started to rain
and I walked
71 blocks
out to an A club
I'd been asked to leave
a week or two
before that
for fighting
and I hung around
that club
and I just hated it
I'd been in and out
of A for a year
after year
after year
and hear this same
crap
and these same
speakers
saying the same
I don't know
if I ever heard them
but it always seemed to me
whenever I went to a meeting
where there was a speaker
it was always the same speaker
whatever state I was in
friends
I stayed drunk
around the clock
25 years
one day
I walked through that door
and
and the
desire for alcohol
left me
like a cloak
fluttering to the floor
I now have
three million dollars
with me tonight
several different families
have returned to me
and I want all
the one thing
I put the plug
in the jug
and I feel wonderful
and we were just
sitting there
deciding
which hurts least
hanging your
yourself
or cutting your wrists
you know
I remember thinking
I wish I had one
curare dart
just while you're
tell us how that feels
you old sumbitch
there's something wrong
but I don't know what it is
and I hung around that club
and I had no place to live
there's an old abandoned car
I waved it back in the parking lot
and I thought
this is the end of the trail
I'm living in an abandoned car
back
a back of a parking lot
that's full of
AA members
and they're goofy
turn it over
flip a little
ha ha ha ha
first things first
park the steps
see my muscle
and they did the same thing
back then as they do now
they said things like
get a sponsor
get a sponsor
so I got a sponsor
I got a guy
I used to see in the movies
he was a character actor
I played loving roles
so I
so I got a sponsor
so I got a sponsor
so I got a sponsor
so I got a sponsor
so I got a sponsor
so I got a sponsor
I got him to be my sponsor
and it turned out
those were just roles
he played
he should have won
the academy award
for everyone
because he was a
power drunk
dictator
crazy
intimidating
I mean
Bob
can't we
can't we reason this
shut up
that's not
what I was looking for
I've been around
AA for many years
I know how a sponsor
should act
you know
you don't really
call a sponsor
until
try not to call them
until you've had a drink
then you have something
to call them Bob
I just want you to know
I've let you
and AA down
I've had a drink
now if you've got
a good sponsor
you say
you haven't let us down
you're just a sick person
you had a relapse
don't be angry at yourself
I'm coming right over
and I'll get some guys
and
and if you need a drink
we'll get you one
because we want to get you
through this
now that's why sponsors
should act
everybody knows that
this guy said things
to me like
kid
call me whenever you want
day or night
if it's late at night
it better be important
I'm not
up until the time
you take a drink
once you take a drink
don't call me
because all you're going to hear
from me is a dial tone
I don't want to talk
listen to your
childish crap
oh
and he was having me
take actions
and do things
that humiliated me
I tried to stay away
from him really
I
I mean you know
I just
I had nothing
I knew I was going to be
on the street
for the rest of my life
but I didn't have to take
I didn't have to
humiliate myself
it's one of the
worst times in my life
in my early sobriety
I'll tell you
one of the great
turning
probably
I've often thought
one of the turning
spots in my life
probably the great
turning spot in my life
was something I never
even identified
for years
I was talking about
one day in a meeting
and suddenly struck me
God that changed my life
I was at a Tuesday night
meeting at the
Central Hollywood meeting
that was really
a weird meeting
that's why I went to it
there were weird people
they had spiked hair
and dressed funny
this was a long time
before the rest of the world
was doing it
you know
I mean
what's the guy's name
play
Bela Lugosi
used to go to that meeting
when he was coming off drugs
you know
he'd be sitting down
and you'd think
don't bite my neck
you bastard
just weird
sick people
and I could
it's a participation
where they called on people
and I could never
I couldn't get called on
in that meeting
I went to all these meetings
I always got called on once
and I'd tell them
what I thought
and they'd never
call on me again
I wasn't even an alcoholic
but you know
at least
you know
at least I could straighten them out
and I stand there
right by the podium
at the coffee break
and I saw a woman
who was sitting there
in about the second or third row
a woman I particularly hated
her name was like
Mary Lisa or something
she was one of these girls
who were three years sober
and everybody just loved
Mary Lisa
and isn't she doing wonderful
and she sponsors people
and she's so nice
and the kind of person
you just want to say
ah you beast
you know
and I
and I was thinking to her
I think
you know
what would people say
if I just went over
and smashed her face once
because
she had done something
that really hurt my feelings
and here comes my sponsors
classy
yeah
she said
I want you to apologize
to Mary Lisa
I thought
my God
he's read my mind
this is
I said
why
he said
I heard that you called her
a bitch
at the meeting last night
all right
Bob
don't let it go any further
but
she is a bitch
really a bitch
he said
why do you think she's a bitch
she told her new girl
not to go to bed with me
well she's absolutely right
you're going to apologize
right now
this is the end
not only was she screaming this at me
but she could hear it
and she was going
I'm sorry
this is the end
I'm going to
I used to be a good writer once
I'm going to tell him
I'm going to couch this nicely
so there's no misunderstanding
I'm going to tell him
when I think of him
and AA
and all this crap
I'm just working out my mind
thinking
Bob
why don't you take
the twelve golden steps
of recovery
season them
with the twelve traditions
which are to the group
as the steps are to the individual
put a little garnish
of the twelve promises
that never ever
come true to real people
wrap them all
in the twelve concepts
of world service
and stick them up your nose
because I'm not going to
take this crap
I'd rather be dead
than be like this
now I was just working this out
and I had to turn on him
I was going to give him this
I knew he'd just stagger back
and it's just
suddenly
a ray of light
came out of heaven
and illuminated me
actually it was just
a passing thought
but it's more dramatic this way
and it suddenly struck me
what in hell
am I going through all this for
I'm making such a big deal about this
I've been falling into a trap
of thinking
I have to mean these things
he wants me to do
I don't have to mean them
I just have to do them
and I can laugh at the old fool
while I do them
that's ridiculous
okay Bob
sorry Mary Lisa
you lousy bitch
and from then on
I became an activist
every time he told me
to do something
I did it
and I'd laugh at him
while I did it
pick up those cups
sure Bob
ever wonder why
you can't get roles
in the movies
it's because you're crazy
that's why
I did things
I became an activist
and I laughed at these people
my motives were so terrible
and I said
oddly enough
I started to get better
and I've been getting better
little by little ever since
my motives have improved
a little bit
but now it's been
this month
it'll be 33 years
since I walked off Skid Row
and the only therapy
I've had in all this time
is Alcoholics Anonymous
and
it didn't get
don't get me
misunderstanding
things didn't get better
the month after that
I was on my way
to commit suicide
and I got fired
as a dishwasher
because I had a bad attitude
you know
it isn't as bad as you think
I got a job
somebody put in some clout
and got me a job
in the gated delicatessen
and I was washing dishes
and something struck me
the busboys
are bringing in more dishes
than the waitresses
are taking up
which led me to believe
that the busboys
are getting dishes
in other restaurants
to humiliate me
because I'm an Anglo
so I just didn't do
a lot of the dishes
and it turned out
I miscounted
and I was fired
but I was going to go
I was going to kill myself
I was going to drown myself
in the ocean
a la A Star is Born
I thought that was a nice way
to do it
and I walked
and I couldn't find the ocean
and I called
I stopped to guess
I said where is the ocean Val
he said you're just
in West Beverly Hills
another two miles
past the veterans hospital
and then three miles
past that
I thought well
I don't mind dying
I'm not going to walk
myself to death
and I called up my sponsor
I thought
maybe he can give me a lift
I said Bob
and he said
why don't you work it
and I said Bob
let me tell you
I just
I can't go any further Bob
nobody likes me
I'm just going nowhere
I'm just a terrible Bob
what am I going to do
he said
why don't you write your inventory
the way I told you
and I just told him
the week before
I don't have to write
I've taken my inventory
with a professional psychiatrist
why take it with an
out of work actor
for Christ's sake
you know
and he got crabby about that
I said
write my inventory
in my judgment Bob
that's the last thing
in the world I need
I'm so full of memories
I can't stand it
in my judgment
he says
in your judgment
who cares about your judgment
you live in an abandoned car
if I wanted your judgment
I'd come down
and put my head in the window
and ask you for it
he got me so upset that day
that I wrote an inventory
and I was so upset
I didn't even edit it
as I went along
I put a lot of stuff in there
I didn't look good
I'll tell you
and about a week later
I was going to commit suicide again
so I read it to him
he drove me along the ocean
all the way to Oxnard
40 miles
and I read this
he gave me a flashlight
I did like all of you did
let me explain this part
before I read it
don't explain it
just read it
and I got up to Oxnard
and I thought
he's going to push me out of his car
and he went
I'm going to push you out of your car
oh
I thought he's crazy
and I've taken that ride
maybe 200 times since then
on the driver's side
and watched some other puke
with a flashlight
let me explain this to you
shut up
and I'll tell you
if you listen to enough inventories
it's a sad thing to say
but there's nothing ever new
when every guy takes the inventory
I just think
have something new in there
just
I don't care what it is
you know
it must be something
something new
I listen to the inventory
of the guy who put the flag on the moon
I thought there must be
something interesting in here
same old
there's always something
you do to your mind
and your body
and
I'm much more kind
than my sponsor
I don't
go like that
I turn my head
but I took an inventory
little by little
I took these steps
against my will
and for the worst motives
and I started
talking about a year or so
where I finally held a job
wrapping packages
in an advertising agency
that's what I did
what we call
the AA rocket to stardom
and I got another job
and I was two years sober
a little writer
in a medical corporation
finally he took a chance on me
and I went to my sponsor
and I said
Bob
I've been saving up
some money on the fly
I'm going to get some front teeth
so when I go to work there
I'll really
he said
send that money to your kids
I said what
he said
you're
send the money to the kids
they need it
Jesus Bob
they got a front teeth
I don't care
you're a kid
crappy father
send them the god damn money
that's what I did
but I learned to carry
my lip like this
a lot of people
never knew
I didn't have front teeth
they just thought
they thought I'd been
burned in a fire somewhere
but my sponsor
insisted I go to work
every day
which was against my wishes
but I did
and by the time I was
five years sober
I was director of advertising
publications for that
big corporation
I had front teeth then
I'll tell you
there are new people
here tonight
who have lost teeth
let me give you some hope
once you become
truly spiritual transformed
they grow back
I'll have your sponsor
explain that to you
some night
when I was seven years sober
another guy and I
were brought into Hollywood
and we created something
called Boss Radio
we became the number one
hard rock station in the world
there's one young man
sitting here
who remembers that
just
we all wore shiny suits
and said things like
what's coming on down
baby
I was ten years sober
I was on public relations
with the oil companies
fifteen years sober
I was a marketing director
in Beverly Hills
a publishing firm
I was five years sober
same wife
and all those children
heard the crinkle of green
in my wallet
all the way to a post office box
in Dallas
leaped out of their
post office box
fled to my side
attached themselves to me
like a group of starving chiggers
nine months
and ten seconds later
I was ten years sober
thank God
somebody bought me
a metronome then
now they're all grown up
doing pretty well
my oldest daughter
who was most
if anybody was ever
scarred in our family
by all the problems
going on
she's the only one
I'm a little
sorry to tell you
what she's done
she just was appointed
the secretary of the
assistant attorney general
for the state of New Mexico
I hate to have to tell you
the kid of mine
went into law enforcement
but I don't judge
I don't go to New Mexico either
I'll tell you that
I was not quite sure
I was going to be there
in two weeks
she's got three years in A
and doing just great
and they're all doing all right
and so now I'm living
out in West LA
by the ocean
and my life is fine
and I've been sober
a long time
when I was 15 years sober
by the way
I was feeling so good
I resigned a job
in Beverly Hills
and for the last 17 years
I run the mission on Skid Row
that threw me out in 1958
and so lucky for the guy
who did it
once I
I thought
I'll get you someday
but it's not a treatment center
it's not a treatment facility
at all
or an alcoholic treatment center
it's just a place
where we feed
1700 meals a day
to dying men and women
and bed down people
and give them clothing
and give them some sort of
hope for life
some never get it
but I'm at that stage
of my life now
or you know
at the stage of my talk even
I know there are new people here
you get used to this
when you go to A meetings
the speakers say
I was way down
and now I'm wonderful
and they don't say it
but they look at you
as if to say
I've got it all together
and you haven't
and probably never will have
and so you'll hear it
you'll get sick of those stories
I'll die
now I'm wonderful
there's only one thing
sometimes you may feel hungry for
as I did when I was new
how in hell do you get
from there to there
that means one thing
go to meetings
work the steps
I don't have an hour
but that doesn't
what can you do
when you're not even an alcoholic
when you're not really an alcoholic
when your case is different
the most important thing
I said tonight
or I'll say before I sit down
I said a long time ago
I said my name is Clancy
I'm an alcoholic
now how could I be an alcoholic
when my problem isn't really alcohol
I'm an alcoholic
I'm glad that I survived in AA long enough
and stayed active
to learn the most important single thing
I've ever learned
about my nature
or about the nature of my illness
anything you've heard before
just resolve an introduction
I'll give you a sentence
that I hope if you're new
might change your life
in AA
I learned finally
that if my problem is alcohol
I am not an alcoholic
and conversely
if I'm an alcoholic
my problem is not
and cannot be alcohol
now doesn't that sound upside down
and goofy
like some TV
inner child crap
but that's
that's the nature of AA
I believe that's what this program is all about
that's what this book's about
I'm sure I'm one of the very few people in this room
if not the only one
who's had the opportunity to sit
and talk to Bill Wilson
for an hour
the founder of AA
that's what he felt
as of 1928
1963
when I talked to him
I don't think he changed his mind afterwards
because how can that be
of course the problem is alcohol
I can disprove that in 10 seconds
if the problem is alcohol
detoxes turn on recovered people
and they don't
hospitals turn on recovered people
Genesis turns out recovered people
jails turn out recovered people
they don't
they turn out people
with varying amounts of information and data
about their problems
but if they be like me
I will guarantee you
that sooner or later
unless something dramatic happens
they must always
eventually
begin to drink again
well if the problem is in alcohol
what the hell is
is it something mysterious
something spooky
something you have to pay extra to learn about
no
something you hear about every day
but if you are like me
your preconception of it
may be stronger
than what you're trying to hear
and it may kill you
the problem is
the problem we are confronting here
is something that sounds like alcohol
but isn't
it is something called alcoholism
you say alcohol
alcoholism
same thing
not the same thing
big difference
someday if you are like me
your life will depend on remembering the difference
there's a lot of differences
you can talk about them for hours
but for in one sentence
let me put it this way
an alcohol problem is overcome
by stopping drinking
and cleaning up your act
in this strange
denigrating
destructive
emotionally eroding
eventually fatal thing called alcoholism
you will discover sooner or later
that stopping drinking
has no significant effect on your life
in the long run
other than to gradually make it so painful
you can't stand it
the thing that makes alcoholism a fatal disease
is that the apparent recovery
is the more painful
aspect of the illness
but even that doesn't make you an alcoholic
that just predisposes you to be an alcoholic
there are millions of people
of all the emotions you and I do
who we think we are so unique
but they are called acute or intense neurotics
they are people who feel the psychiatric culture of the world
saying the same thing we say to our sponsor
why am I different
they are the people for whom
things like
valium and thorazine and secanol and darvan
and all the slow down drugs have been created
to slow down intense neurotic personalities
but they are not alcoholic
nearly all of them and never will be
and nor can they be
because something else must be present
we hear about it all the time
AA but we don't
if you are like me
you would have no idea what it means
there must be an allergy of the body
what the hell does that mean
never mind
except
that isn't good enough
that isn't good enough for me
I mean it wasn't
I had to find something I could understand
it turns out
that to be an alcoholic
in every generation
5 or 6 percent of people
and nobody knows why
it's been going on as far back as they can trace
there's memories of it in Egypt and Babylonia
5 or 6 percent of people
get an unnatural reaction to alcohol
and they don't know why
and nobody knows why
and they don't know it's an unusual reaction
and the people around them don't know they're getting it
and Bill Wilson
when he tried to describe it
called it an allergy of the body
Dr. Silverman
called it
a sensitivity that I can't quite
so what is this unnatural reaction
what is this allergy
once you understand it should be easy
well maybe
if you're an alcoholic
you stay drunk all the time
that sounds realistic
false
it is impossible for a human body
to stay drunk 14 days and nights
in the laboratory
you can't stay drunk
that's one of the rottenest parts
about being a drinker
you keep sobering up
if well maybe
if you can't handle alcohol
that must be a false
tests have indicated
alcoholics handle alcohol
better than social drinkers
in almost any situation
if you've ever been to a party
where alcoholics and non-alcoholics
drink the same
I'll guarantee you
the alcoholics drive the non-alcoholics home
but you can't ever get the non-alcoholics
to drink that much
it's hard to run the tests
no more for me
I'm starting to feel it
and the answer to that is
feel this you wussy
is it that
alcoholics get crazy
because you hear all these speakers
they've all done this bizarre thing
and then I broke out of Sing Sing
raped 24 nurses
and went to Menger's clinic
and got sick
some people do that
but that's not how you mark an alcoholic
I'm going to do this
to help you
I'll give you a different situation
than most of you as you know
when I go to work
in the morning
I have to step over the bodies
of dying men and women
to get to my office
and when I go home at night
I step over the bodies
of dying men and women
to get to my car
I'm surrounded by death all the time
and most of these people
have never been bizarre ones
in fact they become catatonic
just the opposite
some people become bizarre
some never do
then what is it
what is this unnatural effect?
how can we not do the same?
how can we not do the same thing?
And once you begin to understand that, it all starts to make sense.
It turns out that the unnatural effects is not what alcohol does to you at all.
Because it does something different to different people.
It has to do something special for you.
That's what makes an alcoholic.
What does it have to do for you?
It must almost instantly take people who don't feel like quite enough and make them feel more than enough.
It must almost instantly take people who feel vulnerable and weak and make them invulnerable.
It almost instantly must take people who feel afraid and make them feel momentarily omnipotent.
It must fill holes.
It must make me taller and more self-contained and them smaller and less threatening.
And I had no idea.
I thought that did that for everybody.
I always thought it did that for everybody.
And if they didn't drink, it meant they didn't need to have that feeling.
But if it does that for you, I'm telling you, you have a better feeling than...
It's the best feeling I know.
I've been working...
They talk about narcotics.
I've been working with narcotics addicts for over a quarter of a century.
I know a little bit about narcotics addicts.
I can tell you about heroin.
It gets you great euphoria.
But you can never...
After a while, a very short time, you can't get back there.
You have to overdose.
Overdosing is what always kills heroin addicts.
They're trying to get back to that euphoria.
They can't quite get back there.
They must always be watched.
Cocaine gets you way up there.
Now crack.
Can you imagine?
Crack has become so available.
Guys on Skid Row are addicted to crack.
But it gets you way up there.
Momentary omnipotence.
Everything's wonderful.
But pretty soon the side effects of speed drugs get to you.
The paranoia.
The terrible restlessness.
The terrible addiction.
And your body starts to go on your track.
But alcohol, if it's working right for you,
puts you right where you are
with all your holes filled.
You want to try me, copper?
Take your job and shove it, Mr. Carlton.
You with anybody, granny?
Nothing changes, but it looks the same.
There's nothing wrong with it.
It's great.
There's only one trouble.
There's something else that comes with this.
A physical thing.
It seems to set up a craving for more.
No one has ever been able to describe why.
I have a theory on it.
This is as good as anybody's, I guess.
At least I believe it to be true for people like me.
And that is this.
When you feel so bad, you need a drink.
Tell you, when you need a drink bad,
and you take a drink,
there's almost an orgasmic feeling.
That first drink.
Just, oh, God.
Oh.
Remember sitting in a bar?
You're still almost falling off.
You're, oh.
It just, but it does something.
It gives me that edge.
But the trouble with it is,
it has a quick fade on it.
It starts to fade almost immediately.
So you have another drink to hold it.
And you have another drink to hold it.
And you have another drink to hold it.
Pretty soon you're drunk.
You don't want to be drunk.
I'm sure there are people in here
who have done what I used to do when I was young.
Go in the can.
Put your finger down your throat.
Throw up.
So I can come back and have that edge and that fun.
But sooner or later,
you're always going to drink.
Like Rick says.
Sooner or later.
And so then you've got to
start getting in trouble with drinking.
Then you're going to stop drinking.
You're going to stay sober for a while.
Then you realize,
then you remember why you're drinking.
Because sobriety is where
pain is.
Fear.
Loneliness.
Feelings of indifference.
Not being enough.
And drinking is getting me in trouble.
There's a little thing in chapter three
that people always laugh when they read about it.
It sounds,
it sounds funny.
It talks about what people do.
Change from beer to brandy,
beer to scotch to brandy.
Drinking beer only.
Never drinking at home.
Always drinking at home.
On and on.
We all laugh.
Ha, ha, ha.
But we've all done those things.
For the very simple reason.
Why do people do that?
Because they're trapped in a terrible obsession.
I've got to believe that somehow,
someday,
I will control and enjoy my drinking.
Because I can't live without it.
And it's getting me in deep trouble when I drink.
I've got to find a compromise.
Maybe if I only drink at home.
Maybe if I only drink beer.
Maybe if I only,
on and on.
If I take physical exercise.
Maybe if I read spiritual literature.
Maybe if I get psychoanalyzed.
Maybe.
But nothing ever happens.
It always gets back.
You wind up
in a situation finally.
And it turns out,
it has nothing to do with age.
It's when it begins to happen.
Some people get this reaction to alcohol
from the very first drink.
That unusual thing.
Some people drink for 30 years
before they get it.
But then they get in the same situation.
That's why we have the paradox.
In AA,
old guys get up like,
say things like,
I drank
for 30 years.
And look at Cusie and eat some little snot
as if to say,
how could you be an alcoholic?
You're not even 30 years old.
They don't realize that little snot
is sitting there looking at them thinking,
you can't be much of an alcoholic
if you lasted 30 years,
you old son of a bitch.
You know.
It turns out it isn't when you,
it's when it begins to do it for you.
And you wind up in a condition
where you can't,
you can't stay drunk
and you can't stay sober.
And it's got nothing to do
with being on Skid Row
because I've had the opportunity
to sponsor people
who are still making
$500,000 a year on their bottom.
And the guy who put the flag on the moon
and the psychiatrist
and the priest
and they weren't all on Skid Row.
What do we all have in common?
We all wound up
where sobriety was untenable
and drinking was untenable.
That condition is called alcoholism.
And nearly everybody who has it today
with all the help available
is actually,
estimated over 90% of alcoholics
in America still die drunk.
And why do they die drunk?
Because they die drunk
for the very same feeling
you and I have had
and if we don't tend it,
we will have it again.
But I am not really an alcoholic.
You don't understand.
My problems came when I was sober.
I just drank for relief.
And what they don't realize,
they've just defined
the disease of alcoholism.
And the reason that's important
to remember,
so that you will not be like
the millions of people
who have come to AA
and stayed sober a while
and left convinced
that AA doesn't work.
They come and stay sober for a while
and go to meetings
and pretty soon
their feelings come back.
Restlessness,
discontent,
feelings of difference,
boredom,
all these things.
They say,
man, it doesn't work for me.
I don't suppose
there's a long-term drinker
on Skid Row
who's dying on the street
who hasn't been to AA.
Everybody's been to AA.
Long-term drink.
And there's people going
all the time.
Then what the hell is it?
That's why we have to get together,
people like us,
and share our experience,
strength, and hope
so we remember to do something.
Remember to understand
that getting sober
is not the point of AA.
Getting sober
is the front porch of AA.
When you get on that front porch,
you dry off.
But pretty soon,
pain's going to come
because that's the natural state
of sober alcoholics.
Then you have your choice.
I feel, oh, my case is different.
And running away,
into endless depravity almost.
Or else you can
step into the house.
And in the house is where AA is.
And what's in there
is things like
developing some
interpersonal relationships
and taking actions
and making commitments
and obeying,
following the commitments
and hopefully getting a sponsor
that you could not intimidate.
Someone who may be gentle,
someone who may be rough,
whatever you need,
but someone to whom
you will,
who will subordinate
your judgment
in moments of stress.
Who you will give the power
to tell you what to do.
And over a period of time,
you'll take 12 steps.
One of the bad things
about some treatment facilities,
I don't know how,
I'm sure it's not Genesis,
but some treatment facilities,
they release people
from the hospital
thinking they've taken
the 12 steps.
They're convinced
they've taken the 12 steps.
You say, we're going to work,
now you're out of the hospital,
now we're going to work on the steps.
Don't need to work on them.
Not going to work on them.
I took them in treatment.
And it's kind of funny,
except they commit suicide that way.
Because you can't take
these 12 steps in 28 days,
or 28 weeks,
or 28 months,
or 28 years.
There's always something
you've got to be dealing with.
It's like driving,
we're driving down the road
from Atlanta today.
Long, straight road.
The driver didn't hold
the wheel like this.
No matter how straight the road,
it's always like this.
It's always like this
because there's bumps in the road.
No matter how smooth your life is.
We claim that we all want serenity.
But I don't suppose
any alcoholic could stand
two days of pure serenity.
You just couldn't stand it.
You might think you could say,
oh, I'm wonderfully serene.
I've never been so happy.
But after about a day and a half,
this hand starts,
dips in the septic tank.
Look what attacked me now.
No.
The reason that's,
and you've got to keep
working on things.
Because, you know,
you can go to hear these speakers
and it sounds so nice.
They say,
in a short talk,
they're going to say,
well, I was all right.
Then I got sick.
Then I got well.
Now I'm wonderful.
Yeah.
But that is the way
it is in real life.
It takes years.
You go,
I'm downhill.
I think I run out of control now.
I just drank beer on Friday.
Well, Jesus, you know.
Takes a long time to get down there.
And when you get back,
I found a new way of life.
A program of 12
simple steps.
Oh, my God,
I can't stand it.
It's a long pull
because you've got to deal with
emotions that are human emotions.
The best advice I can give you
is throw yourself into AA.
Do not allow yourself
to fall into programs
where they convince you
that you are a victim.
Because it will momentarily
make you feel better,
but you will never get better.
You will live as a bitter victim
as long as you live.
AA also knows
some of us have been victimized.
But they say,
let's look at it.
Let's discuss it
and then to hell with it.
That was then
and this is now.
Let's not take the rest of my life
living back there
for Christ's sake.
You know,
Dr. Bob,
co-founder of AA,
his son lives in Texas.
His name is Bob Smith.
He's about 75 now.
I was kidding him a few years ago.
I said,
I suppose you're going to become
the president of adult children,
you know,
because you're the oldest
living adult child
of an alcoholic.
And he got pretty testy
with me.
He says,
I declined to be frozen
into the role
of an 18-year-old.
I declined to be frozen
into the role of an 18-year-old.
I declined to be frozen
into the role of an 18-year-old
neurotic.
Now,
I know that
there are some forms of ACA
that help people get better.
But when you have to pay for it,
they're going to keep you sick,
in my opinion.
That's,
that's only my opinion
and Bill Wilson's
and Dr. Bob's
and God's.
And,
I want to,
how much time
do we have left?
Huh?
I want to just add one more thing.
I want to say,
I haven't talked about this
for a long time.
I mean,
I know a lot of people,
you've got a long way
to go to get home
and I'll be home
by Thursday.
But,
when I was new in AA,
there weren't hardly
any treatment centers,
you know.
Treatment centers
were not even heard of.
There were a few sanitaria
and they were just terrible
turning out drunks
and,
the key leak here
that made people worse
and revulsion treatments
and,
as the years went along,
treatment centers came in
and they started to flourish
and there were big chains of them
and a lot of the old termers
were like,
God damn treatment centers!
Ugh!
God damn it!
What a,
you know,
terrible fights.
I was one of them
and over the years,
I,
I've become
acclimated to the fact
that there are
purposes for some
treatment centers
and not for others.
There are good treatment centers
and bad.
And,
it,
I certainly
believe that
Genesis is a good one.
If it didn't,
I wouldn't be here.
I may be wrong,
but if I didn't,
I wouldn't be here.
I wouldn't go and talk
for a bad treatment center.
But you say,
what's the difference
between a good treatment center
and a bad treatment center?
One time I was talking
at an international convention
in Montreal
and I was trying to think
of a,
an analogy.
And I,
the one that
is maybe the best
I ever thought of
in the spur of the moment.
Why would people
go to a treatment center
when they just go to AIM?
Why is it
$1,000 a treatment center
when you go to AIM
for nothing right now?
I thought to myself,
it's like going down
to the beach
in Santa Monica.
Somewhere beyond the horizon
is Catalina Island.
And you can get on there.
I want to go to Catalina
and here's a neat,
trim,
little ship
called the SS
Treatment Center.
People in clean
white jackets.
Nice smells
coming out of the galley
saying,
come with us.
We will help you
to get to Catalina.
And down the beach
there's a couple
of guys
scrounging around
the tall grass
saying,
a word from me,
hey,
you want to go with us?
We've got an invisible boat.
Well,
not much choice there.
Really wonderful.
I think my blue cross
will cover this
and good luck to you, pal.
So they get to the
treatment center
and the treatment center
does exactly
what it says it should.
Tries them off,
makes them feel good,
feeds them,
straightens them up.
The only problem is
it just gets out
of sight of land
and says,
well,
we have to turn back now.
So,
Catalina's that way.
Swim like a sumbitch.
And you're out there
swimming
and here comes
these two boobs
in their invisible boat.
You want a ride?
I'm not that sick.
Christian,
you're almost drowning.
You're not any closer.
You want a ride?
Yeah,
let me get in your boat.
Get in the boat
and rinse off
and send the rest.
I'm floating in midair.
There's no boat here.
These people are crazy.
What do you want me to do?
Oh,
grab an oar and row.
Screw you.
Christian,
you're just about dead
and they pick you up again
and say,
you want a ride?
Yeah.
What do you want me to do?
Row.
Grab an oar and row.
Oh,
you crazy bastards.
And the odd thing is,
as you begin to row,
the boat begins to appear.
But it doesn't appear
until you begin to row.
So you've got to be
kind of desperate to row.
And you're rowing pretty soon
and the boat gets bigger
than the yacht.
You don't even want to go
to Catalina.
Stay on this baby.
That's what sponsors are for.
They come around
every so often and say,
hey,
you've got your oar upside down.
Oh,
I could...
Now the difference
between good treatment centers
and bad is this.
Bad treatment centers
take you out of sight of land
and say,
you're in good shape.
You now know enough
to make it.
Do it.
And they leave you to die.
Good treatment centers say,
this is as far as we can go.
We have to turn back.
But just swim for a while.
And when those two goofs
come along on their invisible boat,
jump in.
And that's really what it's about
because that's all we do.
Most of AA is just getting together
to read a book.
And that's all we do.
And that's all we do.
And that's all we do.
And that's all we do.
And that's all we do.
And we remind one another
to keep rowing.
Because the irony about it is
if you stop rowing
long enough,
it disappears.
And you're back in the water.
It's an odd, odd thing.
But that's as straightforward
as I know how to explain it.
You row when there's nothing to row
and the boat appears.
You stop rowing
and it disappears.
And Alcoholics Anonymous
continues to work for
people like us.
In the last
three or four years,
I've had the chance to
talk in exotic AA meetings
like in Christchurch.
Christchurch
and Auckland, New Zealand
and Tahiti
and Hawaii
and Mexico
and Canada
and London
and Belfast
and Dublin
and Glasgow
and Paris
and Berlin.
You think,
boy, wouldn't it be exotic
to be in those places.
Except for the accents,
you might as well
just stay home, you know.
Sit in a meeting in Berlin.
Think, well,
here's something new.
Here's some boob behind you.
But,
I don't
think you
really understand.
I'm afraid
my teeth
is different.
Hello there.
Let's have coffee
over the meeting
and I'll tell you
about my case.
What's amazing
about alcoholics,
how similar they are
at such a low level,
at a deep level.
That's why
this simple stuff
appears simple,
works for everybody.
That's why
what's so sad
is that people,
before they work it
or they do not work it,
they say,
I can tell by looking at it
and hearing about it,
it isn't enough.
I need
something else.
In all the history
of mankind,
nothing has ever
helped.
There are more people
sober in this room
than there were
in the United States
in 1935
with all the treatment
therapies available.
And the biggest problem
you and I have to do
is come to believe
that this something
which is given to us
for nothing
and is readily available
and isn't very mysterious,
literally can change
your perception
of reality.
Because that's
what A is about.
It isn't to make you holy.
It is not to make you wonderful.
It's to very slowly do,
I think,
but alcohol does fast.
It's to take people
who don't feel quite enough
and make them feel
most of the time enough.
It takes people
who feel afraid
most of the time
and makes them
not have to feel afraid
all the time.
Unafraid
most of the time.
It has to take people
who feel extremely vulnerable,
make them feel
most of the time
invulnerable.
That's what it does.
It doesn't make you wonderful.
No matter how hard
you work the program,
you don't rise above
human being.
Human beings have emotions
and conflicts and problems.
But the difference is
they are problems
not when they're untreated
they become obsessions.
We have to treat problems here.
The last thing I want to say
is that
before I sit down
is that
when I was put
in the Texas Nuthouse
as a suicide
I was trying to stay sober
with my wife
through a pregnancy
because I was in a hospital.
I was in a hospital
because I was in a hospital.
I was in a hospital.
I felt so bad
because one of our children
had died
and I was in jail.
I swore I was going
to stay sober
and I couldn't stand it
even if she
was in church
with the kids
and I put the car
in the garage
and hooked up a hose
and committed suicide.
The guy pulled me out dead
and they rushed me
to the hospital
and examined me
and determined
I was a badly split
personality,
schizophrenic,
paranoid schizophrenic
and committed me
for an indefinite period
to the Texas State
Insane Asylum
in Big Spring, Texas.
Well,
I thought that would
interrupt my career
so I
I escaped.
They brought me back
and gave me a lot
of electric shock treatments.
After that,
you don't ever run much
after that.
You just
You remember my name?
I don't.
Am I Hart,
Schaffner,
and Marks?
And I realized
how am I going
to get out of here?
And I suddenly realized
they had an alcoholic ward.
I'd been in and out of AA
for seven or eight years
by that time.
So I pretended
to be an alcoholic.
I knew
I wanted to find a way
to stop it.
I'd been drinking
and finding a new life
under God.
I finally got transferred
to the alcoholic ward.
I remember the first day
I was there.
I'd been living in Texas
for some time.
I hadn't been to AA there
because I was in the real world now.
And I know how they do it.
They don't do it here in Georgia
but they do it in Texas.
They do it in some parts
of Louisiana.
They do it in some parts
of Alabama.
It's just a terrible thing.
When you're coming off
shock treatments anyway
it's a terrible thing, you know.
I remember sitting in there
and I'd been to AA meetings.
Now,
tonight they said
my guy gets up here
and says,
my name is Fred.
I'm an alcoholic.
He says,
hi Fred.
But in Texas
they say things like,
my name is Fred
and I'm an alcoholic.
And through the grace of God
and the power
of this simple program
it has not been necessary
for me to drink any alcohol
or take any mind sedating
or tranquilizing drugs
since my sobriety date.
And for this
I'm truly grateful.
Then they say,
oh, Fred.
I guess that's all right
but when you're coming off
shock treatments
you're,
I remember thinking to myself
if I ever got in a chance
where I was in a position
of power and authority
I wouldn't give them
some hideous chant like that.
I'd tell them the truth.
And since then
I've been in that position
several times
and I am tonight.
So I'm going to tell you
what it's really like.
I'll tell you what I have found
in AA
not with some old fool
in Texas chance.
I'll tell you what reality
finds for you.
I've discovered,
I told you a little earlier
I discovered I was an alcoholic
after I was sober a while.
That was nice.
So I can say my name is
Clancy Emerson
and I'm an alcoholic.
And here's what else I learned.
I discovered in AA
that through the grace of God
and the power of this simple program
it has not been necessary
for me to drink any alcohol
or take any mind sedating
or tranquilizing drugs.
Since October the 31st, 1958.
And for this I am truly grateful.
Keep rowing.
Thank you.