A Doctor Said She Was in the Chronic Stages and Did Not Have Long – Edie C.

Edie C. from Sacramento, California. Hi everybody, my name is Edie and I am an alcoholic. I love those long introductions. you know where they just go on and on and then you have to live up to the expectation so thank you thank you I want to thank the committee what sounds loud to use it does to me or is Is it? No. Okay. Well, I'm just going to stand a little bit back here. No? Stand closer. Okay. Okay, good. Okay, great. Okay, well, I'll just stand a couple of steps back here for you. Okay, that's good. Well, hello, Austin! I've been dying to get to you for years. years. I want to thank Peggy and Jim for inviting me and all of the communication. I want to think the committee, and I want to thank all of you for such a just a great, great weekend. So, you know, I just appreciate all of your work. You know I just, I'm gonna tell you the truth, okay? You know, i just went to my room to pray and I always get in front of the toilet to pray because I did all of my best praying in front of the toilet oh god I swear if you just you know if I could just just just stop you know the dry heaves I'll never drink again you know how many of us have done that so I've decided that I just have this you know operative practice that I do is that I get on my knees and I just ask God that you know to be a channel of His grace because it's really not about me if I can get out of the way and what What I want you to know is that my ass is in convulsions, but I'm over 50 now. So I'm like, I got them control top panties on. Thank God. But, you know, what did we do before cell phones? Right? I mean, I want to thank you for your time today. I just wanted to let you know and I'm going to just get this out of the way. You know, I have some friends here, you know Christopher who's from my home group in Sacramento Sacramento, and I'm going through really the hardest time of my life. Really. You know, it's got on my knees and I said, you know, really, you should not be here. But there was a voicemail. What is it that we just can't leave voicemails? Why do we feel the need to go, well, let's see who it is? So I listened to this voicemial and it's my insane gay attorney from San Francisco just going, and I'm like, oh, really? That's great. It was all good news. But what I want you to know is I needed to talk about that because it's like what's present with me right now in my stomach. And so what I wanna say is that my home group is North Hall in Sacramento, California. My sobriety date is July the 11th, 1983, and And for that, I am incredibly grateful. So I want to get to know who you are. So it's really important to me that I know the new people in the room. And just do this for me because, you know, I need some help just getting going, okay? So in your first year of recovery, I'd like for you to stand up so I can see where you are I want to personally welcome you to Alcoholics Anonymous and I want to thank you for the courage that it takes for you to be here and I just hope that you find it says that life starts here and I want you to know that before Alcoholics Anonymous I didn't have much of a life but what I'd like to do because when I got to you I couldn't read or write I make it a point to read in front of you now and I'm gonna read to the people who stood up and then the other people you can this is my very favorite page of the big book so I'm going to read you my very page and it's my gift to you and hopefully I can read it without crying, but I'm a crier. The last 15 years of my life have been rich and meaningful. I've had my share of problems, heartaches, and disappointment because that is life. But also I've known a great deal of joy and a peace that is handmaiding of an inner freedom. I have a wealth of friends and with my AA friends an unusual quality of fellowship. For to those people I am truly related, first through mutual pain and despair and later through mutual objectives and newfound faith and hope and as the years go by working together sharing our experiences with one another and also sharing a mutual trust understanding and love without strings and without obligations we acquire relationships that are unique and priceless there is no more aloneness with that awful egg so deep in the heart of every alcoholic that nothing before could ever reach that ache is gone and never need return again Now there is a sense of belonging, of being wanted and needed and loved. In return for a bottle and a hangover, we've been given the keys of the kingdom. So that's my gift to you, and that's really, really the truth about my life. You know, I got to you and I was wounded. I was so spiritually wounded. And to tell you a little bit about my family of origin, they talk about my Family in the Big Book, were referred to as seeking lower companionship. I did not grow up with the kind of people that I come from a really, really, really alcoholic family. They didn't even bother to put the alcohol in a glass with ice cubes and refer to it as cocktails. No, not in my family, no. They just pulled it out from underneath the seat, cranked off the lid and took a big swig and then grunted. I thought it was like a Mexican-Indian thing. I didn't know, you know, until I had my first drink. I don't know about any of you, but I'd like to have a raise of hands in here. Did any ofyou have those kind of parents that went to those sleazy little country bars? You know, the kind of bars that I love to just drink in towards the end. The ones you can smell two blocks away, right? right? You know those kind of bars. And they say to you, you kids behave now. We're going to be right back. We are going to have a quick one. You know, and after about five hours they bring you a bottle of Coke and peanuts. That's referred to as dinner. And I think that you learn to mimic the people that you grow up with. I really do. I believe that your family of origin is where we learn a lot and you know I had my first drink in an old Ford and in behind an old sleazy bar and I was laying down in the front seat because because after about five or six hours to have you lay down because the authorities get a little upset about kids little kids being in cars around bars and I don't know why this this night was any different and I was probably nine or ten years old and I you know I was laying on the front seat and I reached under the front seats and there was a bottle of Sigrim 7. You know that bottle of sigrim 7 with a fancy seven on it that really embossed label and it had like this much in it and I did exactly what I seen them do forever is I cranked off the lid I kicked it back my took a big ol swig you know guzzled it down and it's like I went you know how you go like that my My ears popped. My nose ran. I was like just sitting there going, you know. It's like, damn. You know, but if you, you know, the magic happened because what happened for me is it burned. I could feel it burning all the way down because there wasn't anything else in my stomach. And I could fill it, just burn all the way down and it got to my belly and it just went, wow. You know that? Wow. Oh, my God. I sat there and thought, whew-wee, this has been under that seat all day long. So I gave my little brother a drink. But I want you to know it's such a blessing. It's such an honor to be here. It's just such a blessed thing to be with you. And, you know, I've been told by many people that I could be a poster child for Alcoholics Anonymous because the person that walked through the doors is not the person that stands before you tonight. You know, I'm always really blessed and I'm always present to it because I'm always present to my mother's spirit. And what I want you to know is my mother never, ever walked through those doors or any doors of a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. How she quieted her madness And, you know, her name was Henrietta Valdez. And she rode Harleys when women weren't supposed to ride Harleays, you know. I was born in 1955. Do the math. I'll be 51 on Tuesday. And I'm glad. You know what? I love being 50. I'm 50 years old and 22 years sober, and my life is absolutely turned upside down, but it couldn't be better. My sponsor, I talked to her today. You know, my very first sponsor, her name was Grady O'Hara. She spoke here in 1989. She was my sponsor for 18 years, and she died in 2000. You know my sponsor today is my sponsor's sponsor. Oh, it's going to be one of those nights, girls. oh boy you don't probably want I probably don't want this on tape oh well God has a sense of humor now what happened to my mother is in 1958 she walked down the hall and she sat on the edge of the bed and she took a gun and she shot and killed herself and I was down the hallway and I heard this noise and I almost well I was born in 55 so you know October of 58, I guess I was three or so, right? And I walked in and I found my mom. And I want you to know that it had a tremendous impact on me. So when I got to you, do you think that I had a little problem with anger? You know, I wasn't angry. My sponsor used to say to me, you know, Edie, you got here full of hate. You actually were two years sober before you just got angry. I was like two years sober and when I started to feel, I started to cry. And when I started to cry and thank God for Grady and taking me through these steps, the way that she took me through the steps what I realized is I wasn't half as angry as I was hurt. I wasn'T half as anger as I WAS hurt. And I'M a FEELER. God am I a FEeler. But did said, I love to drink. I love to drink and I love, guess where I love to drink? Oh, I love to drinking those sleazy little bars that you can smell two blocks away that, you know, you go in there and they got like peanuts all over the ground, you now, and they've got pickled pigs feet and slim jims, you know, and, you know, you're drinking, it's about 11 o'clock at night, and you know Merle Haggard is on the jukebox. I'm always on a mountain when I fall and you're like just getting getting ready to slip into a blackout, and you look around the bar and you think, God damn, it doesn't get any better than this. And, you know, you slip into a black out, and, you know, God almighty, you wake up with one of those people they told you about in AA. You know, I want to tell you about my baby brother. His name is Joaquin, and he took me to my very first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. I went to my very first meeting of Alcoholic Anonymous in 1979. My brother got out of the VA hospital in San Francisco and he came to live with me in a little town called Merced, it's the Central Valley of California, and he said Edie they have me on anabuse and I'm ordered to Alcoholics anonymous but I can't go unless a blood member takes me to the meeting. And given the fact that my mom died and we grew up in foster care and all of that, guess who's the only blood member they could possibly fulfill on that task but moi. So we went to a place called Gateway Fellowship on Yosemite Boulevard and And I took my brother there. And I don't know about any of you, but when I walked into the meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous, I just looked around. You know, look around. Okay. I got it figured out. You know that think and think and let go and let God. You know. Okay. Okay. Don't pull anything over on me. They send that sign-in sheet around. Oh, I knew what that was. I was in foster care. I knew that if you signed your name that you probably gave that to a social worker and then they would give you your rations of coffee and the such and such, you know. First five minutes. Never asked a soul. Now, I don't know if there's anybody else that walked into their meeting and sort of cased the joint and said, hmm, I've got it figured out. So I signed my name Edith Frances Cartwright. Because, God, no, you know when you're new. You don't want just anybody to think you're an alcoholic. And, you Know, I didn't want the social worker to think that, can you believe this? This is like, if you knew, that's called came to believe in the power of various self-resources sanity. All this went on in my mind in the first ten minutes. Can you imagine how active it is? Grady used to tell me, you know, honey, you've got a committee meeting in your head and the only thing that you're providing is refreshments. so in this meeting of course this little meeting where there's about 12 of us who do you think they called on first well let's hear from Edith Frances Cartwright I put my arms around my little brother who's 6 foot 4 and gorgeous I just put my hands around him and I said He said, I am a blood brother. I am his blood sister. And then I went on to tell them all about my brother. Thank God I've gotten into another program over the years that I go to that's kind of handling that. Right? And you know, at the end of that meeting, you know what they did to me is they came up to me with their AA phone numbers. Here, honey, in case you need to call one of us. And I said, oh, you mean for my brother? Oh, no, this is for you. And, you know, I copped my first resentment against Alcoholics Anonymous, I thought. And,you know, when you go to that first meeting, even though you're not really open to anything, I heard that only alcoholics have blackouts. I didn't like that. But then you know how you hear things and then you add yours, well, you're different. Now the reason I'm different is that I was in high school in Chowchilla, California, a little central, they're the ones that took, remember they stole the kids in the bus and they made a movie about it? Yeah, anyhow, it doesn't matter. And Mr. Welp took me in, I was like a sophomore in high School, and I'm not very bright. You know, I just barely got through, I Was constantly moving, constantly changing you know after my mother died I live with my cousin by the name of Mary who had lost her children because she's an unfit mother can you imagine that the trauma that went on in the Valdez family about my oh it's just ugly so my dad thought the best thing to do is to give us to my cousin who had lost her Children good you know that's a good move it'll really piss the Valdez is off. And so they did that and you know what I want you to know with Mary is she took my hand and she took My little brother's hand and for 10 years of my life I lived with her and she took my little brother and myself to places that we shouldn't have gone and we've seen things that we should have seen and we had things done to us that shouldn't been done to it and I want you to notice if you're new here that all that stuff that happened to you before you ever got God here can be healed here. And, you know, Mary fancied herself a call girl, but really Mary was just an old whore. She was just really just an old bad drunk whore for many years of my life with Mary. We lived in a we lived in a Rambler station wagon. wagon. Yes, we lived in a Rambler station wagon and she did her business out of the front seat. And we used to lay in the back as little kids and she would tell us, whatever you do, don't make any noise. You know, I was getting some massage. I was doing some deep tissue massage for some healing about four years ago and they told me they wanted me to make sounds. Oh God, you know, the things will do. The things will will do for love things will do for healing I'm like laying on this table and this man's just like really going on me well is there ever a time in your life why is it that you can't just let it out it was there ever a time where you were told you couldn't make a noise and immediately I went to that time of being in that car and it was like it was right there you know thank God God only gives us what we can handle at the time that we can handle it you know I was like I was like 17 years sober when that happened. And, you know, and I released a cry from me that was so deep because, you know what? I can today. I can. There's so many things that I didn't think I could do that I can do today. Now, I've lost track. I hate that. Don't you hate that? I hate it. Anyhow, I'm a little kid growing up with Mary Mary, and what I want you to know is towards the end, you know, Mary died when she was 33 years old. 33. And we used to live in San Francisco and Oakland and Alameda. I was one of those little street kids who sold the Haight-Ashbury News. I got it, you need it, you buy it, you read it, right? All these people from Nebraska would come around wanting to know, are they really smoking pot? Are they having wild sex in the park? And I'm like, yes. ass. And they'd give me a dollar. I swear to God, I had the best thing going selling eight hashberry news right now. People were bumper to bumper and we had all these kids that were coming from Kansas and Nebraska and everything. And, and they were just looking for the free love and they forgot they had to eat, you know? And I said, well, you're going to have to get something going or you're going to be selling that ass of yours. It's just like it's just reality reality and what I want you to know is we the the last three months of Mary's life we lived in Watsonville California in above a Mexican bar and we had a much but we had mattress three blankets and some artichoke crates and that's what we called home and in the morning you know she was all bloated with that you know with the cirrhosis of the liver and stuff, and I used to give her Red Mountain wine in a little shrimp cocktail glass, just to get the sick off of her. So, you know, I had a lot of issues when I got to you, and thank God it doesn't have to happen all at once. You know, I went to live with my father, and two weeks after I went to live avec my birth father, Mary died. And I remember at the time I didn't feel anything. I just felt a sense of relief. And it wasn't until I was like six years sober that I grieved the loss of Mary, and that I could have compassion for what a, you know, what an alcoholic. You know what? She died in that hotel room. Her esophagus ruptured, and she died alone. She bled to death on that old mattress, and he was there for three days before anybody found her. And she was 33 years old. You know, you have to drink with such a commitment to kill yourself at that age. So, I'm telling stuff I usually don't tell. But at any rate, And, you know, I was with my father for a very short time. This is really an Alateen talk. Shit, am I 14 yet? You just never know when God takes charge where you're going to go, you know. God, don't you know this is when you want a can pitch? I used to have one. I wonder what happened to it now. Let's see. Oh. I went to live in a place called Chowchilla, and my dad drove me there. I'm going to tell you the ChowChilla story, and that will get us going. I'll get back on track with the Chhowchilla story. Now, you must understand by this time I'm like almost 13, 14, you know, I'm that age. I'm, like, my only goal in life is to be in the Mexican mafia. I want to marry somebody in the Mexico mafia. I want to have a lime green 64 Chevy Impala. I wanted to have those little dogs in the back, you know. And, you Know, I know that a reachable and attainable goal is prison. I was told once while I was being evaluated when I was in a holding home that this little sweaty man was asking me all kinds of questions about my life and my mother and the death and all that. You know, by the time I was 10 years old, I was going on 40 and it was, you know, like, fuck you. That was my mantra. Sorry about that, but that's what it was. And he looked at me with his little beady head and said, you're angry. And you have the inability to adapt. I think you will spend your whole life incarcerated in prison because of your anger and your hostilities. That's what I have to say to you, Missy. I thought, huh. Love those institutions. Four pages on my fourth step. And I looked at him and told him he looked like a child molester to me and I had no intention of going to prison. My mouth has always been my weapon. And, you know, but on the way to Chowchilla, you know I came home from school. I lived with my father for a very short period of time. His wife, her name was Catherine Parham, and she was from Houston, Texas. And she informed me the first three days I was there that she hated Mexicans. And I thought, huh, already? Well, good thing we're getting right off to a fresh start here. I said, well, I'm not all Mexican. You're Mexican enough for me to not want you in my house. And I'm thinking, okay, all right. Alrighty. So, you know, we go to sit down and eat. You know, they have that white bread, that Wonder Bread, big bread. And so the first time I ever ate with them, I took a big fat piece of that whitebread and made me a little tortilla. And I just like dove off into that plate and grabbed me up some food and was eating and she just freaked out. She freaked out. She goes, oh my God, you're never going to eat at the top of the mark. Hey, you eat like a heathen Mexican at my dinner table. I was never allowed to eat with them ever again. And I made sure that every time I ate like a sheathen Mexican. And, you know, she was an alcoholic that put alcohol in a glass. No cubes, just vodka in the glass with pain pills. You know, I came home from the little school they put me in and she was in the kitchen in convulsions having one of those fits. I knew exactly what it was. I called the authorities. They came and picked her up in an ambulance and took her to San Jose General Hospital, and they said that she had a nervous breakdown because I was living in her house. No thing about alcoholism. She made those little ashtrays and, you know. If she could just get Edie out of her house, life would be grand again. And I was not a festive child. I was nicht. And I didn't want to live with them either. I didn' t want to leave them anymore than they wanted to live with me. We were stuck with each other. And what happened is my dad took me to Chowchilla to be with her best friend, Bobby Ball, who was a mud wrestler in San Jose that moved to Chowshilla. Hell yeah. Mud wrestlers. You know, and I thought, oh, well, you know, at this point you have no control of your life. The adults do. And we got to Chowchilla on Road 22 1⁄2 in the middle of nowhere. And there was a little, I had never met an Okie girl before, but there was an Okies girl there in the kitchen. And there were supposed to be like five or six kids, but none of these kids were there. And so we went in and my dad says, well where is everybody? And she says, they've all gone a-frogging. It's gone a-frogging. They've gone a frogging. And there wasn't much frogging going on in the Bay Area, and I wasn't quite sure what it was. And so she said, yes, it's so great that you've come now because next week we're going to have us a frog fry, an okra and frog fry and I think it's the first time we're all going to get our fill. I'm like... You know, drunks have taken me to a lot of places in my life but boy they've never taken me where people eat frogs. I don't even know what okra is. and it wasn't too long until the driveway the car drived up this old pickup 1961 Ford truck and out of the back of the truck in gunny sacks came Billy Ball Ricky Ball, Randy Ball Billy Ball and my little brother with gunny sack full of frogs out of the front seat come Paul Ball Paul Ball Paul Ball this is true true. I mean, this is true. But I just want the new people to know where God took me to save me. Paul Ball was like 5'4", and he had three teeth. One here, one here, and one here. He had lost his teeth from pyreia. And Bobby Ball was 5'10", 300 pounds, and she She wore a moo-moo, and she wore those slippers you got that one size fits all because her feet were this big. She got out of that truck, and he walked up to me, and I said, And she goes, You must be Edie. And I looked at her, andI'm like, Oh, my God. I was scared to death of this woman. And I said yes, andshe goes, Well, you look like a Pete to me. So the next three years, my name was Pete. But what I want you to know is I absolutely believe that God took me to Chowchilla To live at the balls Yes To save me from prison And getting in the Mexican Mafia Because, you know what? I want You to know that I learned how to go a-frogging I got my own gig Got my own jig I learned how to fry okra, and I make the meanest cornbread you've ever tasted in a skillet. I got a country belt with my name on the back. I still have it. It doesn't fit, but I still haven't, right? And I'll tell you what, I was in love with Chowchilla. And, you know, I ended up staying there. You know, and, you now, I must say that there was nothing but a lot of tragedy in my father's life, you know. Catherine got out of the hospital. She said she needed to go to Houston to be with her family. She got on a plane in San Jose and flew to Los Angeles, got off the plane, went into the woman's bathroom and shot and killed herself exactly the same way my mother did. You know, I want you to know my dad, my birth father is 82 years old and he's been sober since 1970. Woo! Yes. And he just started going to meetings meetings a year ago. And so, you know, I just talked to him a few days ago because he chaired his very first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. And do you know how that makes my heart sing? It does, you Know, because don't give up on it. Don't give up on him. He went a long time dry and he told me that he's getting ready to do his third step. And I said, well, no use in, you You know, no use in getting in a hurry. But you know, when I was in my first AA meeting and they said only alcoholics had blackouts, I always thought I had blackout because I had a low IQ. Because when I went to college, I didn't have a blackout. When I was at high school at Chowchilla, Mr. Welk took me into the office and he says, you know Edie, we're supposed to have the conversation about preparational classes for college. each. But, you know, he has little glasses down here and he says, but, you know, your IQ is so low. I don't know how come we didn't put you upstairs with the retards. Now what I want you to know of is you knew they tell you a lot of stuff before you get here. Doesn't mean any of it's true. And I said, well, I guess my IQ is really bad. He goes, it's really bad, Edie. And he looks down again and I said oh I said well how bad is it he goes you have an IQ of 83 I said I have an IQ I don't even remember taking an IQ test and I said well how about his 83 and he says most people that have an IQ of 83 have trouble holding spit in their mouth. Yeah, it's a true story. Mr. Wilk will tell you that. I went to my 30-year class reunion and we had a discussion about that discussion, discussion about that discussion. But you know what? There's no mistakes because I want you to know if you're new I'm highly native intelligent and I was actually tested for my IQ shortly after there was a time after that but you know how you drink you forget about that right? I had I had a foster parents or you know I'm actually going I'm leaving tomorrow morning very early so that I can get home at noon and drive three hours to Chowchilla so I can and go to be in Buckingham Hargis' 50th wedding anniversary because I stay in contact with all my foster people, all my fosters. I'm so blessed with the people that God has given me. But Bernie was a... I think she's a lesbian, but I don't think she thinks she's lesbian, but she sure looks like a lesbian. I go places and I'm like... Anyhow, she said to me, I brought my first report card home when I was living with him, And she goes, oh, this is unacceptable. And I said, well, you need to go talk to Mr. Welk. He told me if I ever got D's and F's, I should just look up and wink at God. I should just look up and wink at God. And she goes well, I just won't have this. We're going to get you tested. And I forgot that I'd been tested and all that. You know, when you get drinking and stuff like that, you think, well the reason I'm having blackouts He said, I'm really not that smart. But the truth of the matter is a man came and tested me, and he asked me questions like I was Catholic, I was baptized Catholic. You know, my ears were pierced, and I was baptised Catholic at six months no matter what. That's what you do. And that's about the extent of my being a Catholic. He said to me, he asks questions when you take an IQ test, Justin, I'm sure there are people here in the teaching profession or the profession that knows about these things. He asked me where the Vatican was. No, what was a Vatican? I thought about it a minute and said, well, it's probably a big vat that has tin in it that hauls a lot of fluid. Vatican, you know, a vat with tin. He said, Well, no, that's where the Pope lives. Oh, good. You know, I didn't know who he was either. And so, you know, I'm really not very smart when it comes to those things that you would have had to have paid attention in school or, you know, known how to comprehend. But what he did is he gave me these little puzzles that had me put these puzzles together out of pictures. And I was off the scale genius there. So my IQ was like 130. I'm pretty smart, but I still can't spell. To this day, I can't spell. I can go into, you know, at work, I, you know, I would go in and you type up a letter and you do spell check. And it just says no suggestions. Just not, not any. You know, I miss phonics. I just miss phonix. And Mr. Welch told me that I should join the carpenters union when I get out of high school because, you now, they're taking girls like me. So in 1974, when I graduated from high school, I joined the Carpenters Union. And, you know, 1979, I got my journeyman card. And 1979 is when I went to my first AA meeting with my little brother, Joaquin. And what I want you to know is my brother gave me the gift of AA. He gave me a gift of alcoholics anonymous. And then he went on to do a crime where he did 15 years in Montana, in Deer Lodge, Montana. So I used to say to the people, and my brother's out of Deer Lodge, Montana, and he's five years sober. He's actually sober longer now, but he doesn't claim the time that he did in the penitentiary. And he's been out since 2000, and he're building his own home in Montana. And he is very involved in Alcoholics Anonymous in Mizzou. And heís sober, so my brotherís sober and my dadís sober. And Iím sober. Itís a good day. So I became a retread and alcoholic synonymous, and I used to gather up chips. I'd get 30 days, 60 days, 90 days, and you know, you get that much time together, you need to reward yourself. Because I don't know about any of you, but when I quit drinking, I started feeling. And I just wasn't that kind that knew how to get a sponsor. I just didn't know what a sponsor was. I'd go to the meetings, and I'd listen, and I really wanted to be sober, but I just didn't know how to open myself up. I was not a well girl. I was really not. Well, I was hostile. I was very hostile. And the older women would really take to me and they'd say, you know, Edie, you don't have to go out and gather those yets. You know, as much as I didn't want to gather those Yets, if you're new, I gathered lots of Yets. You know? And one of my last drunks before I got clean and sober for good and for all was at a little bar called The Wagon Wheel in Wynton, California. You know, it's one of those sleazy little bars. And, you know, I was drinking in there. You know that bonding thing we talked about earlier. And I was drink Coors Light by now because I did want to go into a blackout. I thought if you drank Coors light, it is not really alcohol. And, uh, you now when I got to you I wore Wrangler jeans, flannel shirts, cowboy boots and two six-packs of beer. and F you. Kind of had a bad attitude. Sat in the back of the room and thought you smoked too much. Just thought a lot of things. You know how we're new, we think a lot. But you always gave me your numbers and I always had them in that little pocket of my Wranglers, right? And this night I was gathering some yets. Didn't know I was going to gather yets, just thought I was gonna have a couple of beers. And I came out of a blackout. I don't don't know about any of you, but I would get myself in predicaments in blackouts with people. You know? And I kind of woke up. You know how you come to? I came to and we were driving in my car, but I was riding. I was riding. And I looked over and the ugliest man I'd ever seen in my life was driving my car. This man had a big old belly that was sitting right on his thighs with pimples on it, pimples on his belly. He had a Levi jacket that was cut out and really bad hair and he had those flabby arms with bad tattoos by the time I was 10 years old I could tell where you did time, state time or just county time. You can tell by tattoos. He did a lot of county time He had red bandana around his head and he was one of those people that wanted a Harley Harley, but owned a rebuilt Suzuki somewhere. And I looked over at him and said, well, where are we going? And he looked over to me and, you know, first you got to do that body check because you're wondering, well I wonder if I've been intimate. Because I don't know about any of you, but come two o'clock and if you had drugs, you were perched. You know, I went to those places. I wasn't picky. One time they called me from an AA conference and said, you know, we're wondering if you're a lesbian. It was a conference over in California, and I said, well, yeah, I'm a lesbian, and they said, you don't talk about being a lesbian on your tape. I said oh really? Oh really? Well maybe it's just, you know I was probably talking someplace where I didn't feel safe. And they said well you are a lesbian aren't I said, I am today. I'm not so sure when I get to living sober I will be then, but I'll do my very best to be a lesbian. But you know, I'm an alcoholic, and I can tell you about the graces that have been blessed to me in Alcoholics Anonymous through working the steps and being in the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anecdotes. Now if that's what you're looking for, I don't know. I'm the girl for you. If you're look for a big old lesbian, I might not be the one for you." Anyhow, it was too funny. I don' t even know why I'm telling you that. Because I am. I'm just telling you anything I feel like telling you tonight. I don't care if it sounds good, I don'T care about the look good, I'M GOING TO TELL YOU WHAT, I AM STRIPPED OF ALL PRETENSE BECAUSE I DON'T GIVE A SHIT TONIGHT. This is as real as it gets. I can tell you that I am so raw emotionally there's no way I can cover this shit up. and in the middle of all of this is the beauty of the fact that you know all i have to be with you is myself because great things if you're new i want you to know unbelievable great things have happened to me in my recovery you know i was a little bit of a retread you know and uh you know this guy that was driving my car that was just ugly i thought god almighty this must be with with those ladies, those older ladies in AA was talking about because by God he looks like a yet. He looks like a yet and then there's movement in the back seat and we've got company and I turn around and I don't know if you all remember those they're tube tops or boob tubes or something and she had a pink one on with a bad tattoo coming out the top. They were trying for the Harley Davidson thing, but it was the ugliest tattoo, and he goes, that's my wife. I'm like, thank God. We're going to Reno to buy drugs with your money. And I'm, like, okay. These aren't the kind of people. You know how you sit there and you think? You know, keen alcoholic brain kicks in and thinks, huh? They told me in old AA there'd be days like today that I could quit drinking any time I wanted, but I didn't. Nope, didn't, got myself into a predicament. So I don't know about you, but we could tell these people that I'm in the chronic stages of alcoholism, that I can't seem to get sober and I've got a bunch of chips in the glove compartment, that they should take me home. I didn'T say that. I thought, well, why don't you just go to Reno and drink as much as you can drink and do as much of that white stuff that helped getting me here as quickly as you could. Let's just do it all and then call those old ladies in AA and say I'll go to treatment because they used to always tell me to go to treat. They never said 90 means and 90 is, they said treatment. I thought treatment was a place where all the people that had registered cars went. You know like the people that had register cars would take you to this house that was called treatment. This is before they had had treatment facilities, right? So I don't know. I want you to know if you're new, I don'T know how long that lasted, but it was well over a week, well over the course of a week. And I came to in a house on a couch and I was the only one home. It was not my house. And I walked around this house and the coffee, somebody had made coffee and there was trash liners in the trash can. And if you knew, what I want You to know is God's always looked out for me. God's always looked out for me. The creator has taken care of me. And in the top of my wranglers was the name of a woman by the name of Mary S. I didn't even know what city I was in, but you know when you're kind of fuzzy like that you just start dialing and I dialed this number and this woman answered. Now is that not God? And she goes I said Mary I don't know if you remember me but this is Ziti, oh honey, we was talking about you at the club the other day. How you doing? And I said, oh well, I'm just, you know, I've been gathering them yet and I'm not doing good. And she goes, well where are you? You know when you call people in AA, they ask these questions like... I thought okay, I don't know. She goes, you don't know anywhere you're, I said, I'm in a house that has coffee and trash liners. I don't even know what city I'm in. She says, well, did you dial an area code? Area code. Like, what? No. Well, you must be close. Okay. Find some mail, Edie. Find some mail in the house. You go around, you look. Oh, here's mail. It was a TV guy. I was on Tully Road in Modesto, California. I gave her the address. I went back into a black, I don't remember her. She came and picked me up and she took me to Scenic General Hospital and she deposited me in a detox ward that's called Reality. You can call Modesto California, ScenIC General Hospital and Reality is still there. So I went into Reality. I don't recall getting checked into reality. I woke up on an old couch with sponge slippers and Stanislaus County pajamas, who put me in those pajamas? But I was in pajamas with sponge slipper with a little green stripe robe with all kinds of holes burned in it. I was on one of those couches where somebody's got to pull you back out once you sit down and I was sitting there on that couch with a guy that had pyria rolling cigarettes you know he looked like an alcoholic to me and he was like rolling this cigarette and spitting on it and I looked over at him and I thought oh my god I said to him I said where are we? and he looked over at me and said you're in detox detox. I'm like, Christ, I must have called somebody an AA. I mean, how the hell else do you get in a place like that with people like this? And, you know, these sponge sleuths, I thought, oh Christ, oh Christ. I was just traumatized. And I looked around and I thought you know, I'm in the Carpenters Union and I have Blue Shield Health Insurance. If I'm going to do this, I can bet better facilities. Just like that, you think like that. That keen alcoholic mind kicks in and just you know you can't even control that keen alcoholic mine you know. I walked over over to the door and I knocked on the door, and they buzzed me in. And the man in there saved my life. His name was Hank Bagby. He's now passed on. And I went in there and, you know, I pulled myself together as best you can in Stanislaus green pajamas with pull strings, you Know. And I looked at him and I said, You know, I think there's been a mistake. I'm not an alcoholic. I'm a cocaine addict. I'm I'm a dope fiend. And it looks to me like those people out there are alcoholics. And he said, well, you've been acting like an alcoholic ever since you've been with us. And I said, Well, you know, when I can't get drugs, I will drink. I'll drink a little. I drink a lot. If there's no drugs, I'll even drink more. he said well you know you've been really really sick we've had to medicate you you've had a lot of pain you know you've Been Sick and I was really sick and I said to him why don't you think you're an alcoholic and I grew up with an alcoholic I used to give her wine in those little shrimp cocktail glasses and I'm not like that and I in my mind's eye I have a picture of her and the things that she did for alcohol and I just didn't feel like I was there just didn t feel like i was there and I told him that he says it's really okay honey I can tell you something you're one of those that is so so absolutely wounded and damaged, that you may not ever get this thing because most of the ones like you don't. Well, why don't you do this? You got that fancy-ass insurance? And we'll take it. We got a 28-day program. Why don'tyou do the 28- day program and at the end we'll give you back your wonderful life? Why don' t you do that, babe? and I thought I'm tired, okay you know and I just finally surrendered you know I don't know when that point is for any of us when we finally surrender but I surrendered and I went into the bathroom and I got on my knees in the shower and I said you know God I don' t even know if you're there but I know this I'm willing to do anything because I've got dreams in my life And I don't want to die like Mary or my mother. If you could just help me with that. I don' t want to be a perfect AA-er, you know. I don''t want to get all cooey-cooey the way they get. And I went through the 28-day program and after 48 days I said, You know, Edie, you really need to go. You know how it is when we finally surrender. Brenda's like, oh, God, can't I just stay here and fry potatoes? And, you know, I found a First Street Fellowship, and Modesto became my home group. And they put us on a van, and they took us to Santa Clara. You know,I needed a sponsor, and, you know,i had a bad attitude, and I wanted a sponsor so bad. But, you know, i just didn't find, you You know, I just didn't hear anybody that would, you know, just didn t ring my chimes. And I went to San Jose, and there was this woman. Her name was Grady O'Hara, and she was speaking. And, you Know, she was one of those beautiful people in Alcoholics Anonymous. You know? She had on a white suit, and I m in the back in my Wranglers and flannel shirt, you know, with a bad attitude, just really getting ready to drink. And I thought, oh, look at this. Another one of those pretty people in AA going to talk to us about their pretty little life. I didn't say that to anybody, just thought it. You know, she got up there and, you know said a few things and then she grabbed the podium and I'm going to cuss right now so I'm sorry, I'm warning you but she spoke to my listening because she grabbed that podium and she looked down at us and she goes well I don't know about any of you motherfuckers oh my god I perked up in the back and I thought I bet that lady can sponsor me but I bet I can I can do that four-step tell her all about Mary and all those those bad things. I'm going to, wherever she lives, I'm moving. And you know, I was living in Modesto and I moved to Sacramento. I never called her. I didn't introduce myself to her. I stalked her. I found her at a meeting called Gibbons in Sacramento. And I walked up to her and said, you know I heard you speak in Santa Clara and you said MF with passion and you know Noah, I think you can sponsor me and you can keep me from dying. Can you imagine somebody walking up to you and telling you that? I mean, poor Grady looked at me and said, You've moved here? Without, like, even calling me or... I said, Yeah. Yeah, I just moved here. I don't have a lot to move. And she told me, she looked at me, you know how they look at you? And she goes, well honey, how long sober are you? Oh, I hate those questions. You know, and I thought, oh, I better have some time. She might say no. I'm a liar cheating the thief. First thing I'm going to do to you, I'm gonna lie to you. I'm not gonna lie. I'm just gonna cheat you and I'mma steal from you. I looked at her and said, six months. She goes, oh, okay. Never questioned it. But, you know, they add an AA. And, you know, I went to my home group at Primary Purpose and Grady became my sponsor and we started the steps and in six months they gave me a cake. Because six and six makes twelve. That's a year. So they had a year cake. Made a big deal about it. You know how people in AA make big deals out of that first year. She had me go up to the podium and take my, you know, and she says, you know this is a case, see she's a case. And she said these sweet little things and I looked at, I got up there and said I'm, I'm eating and I'm an alcoholic and I haven't done a thing to earn this cake. You know if you're new, there's an old lady she's passed on her name is Alabama Cuthrothers and she goes I'll be honest with you as soon as I can get it past me. It took honesty a long time to pass through me. You know, I'd lie when the truth would work. You know? I was like five years sober and my grandma's sponsor was over at my house. And I already did my four-step and started making my amends. And Louise said to me, she goes, Edie, where did you get them fancy band-aids in your medicine cabinet? I'm thinking, what's she doing in my medicine cabinet. You know those old dope things. She's an old heroin addict. You know, I thought, Jesus Christ, she's still going through medicine cabinets. And I said, well, I stole them from my doctor. She goes, I can tell you stole them for your doctor because it's not the kind of Band-Aid you can buy at the store. She goes why do you do that? And I say, you go to see your doctor, they put you in that little room and they say somebody is going to be right with you. And they leave you in that room with all those drawers. And I just decided I can take these Band-Aids and compensate for my valuable time that they're stealing. And she said, you're going to have to stop that and you're gonna have to make amends to your doctor. I said, do you want me to go to my doctor and tell him I'm stealing? She goes, yeah, I want you to go the doctor and tell them you've been stealing and you can't do that anymore. So I went to Dr. Quiker and I said you know, I'm in this program called Alcoholics Anonymous and I'm supposed to tell you that when you leave me in the room too long I steal your Band-aids. he said you know Edie I just love you and you don't have to steal them if you want them I'll just give you how many you want and I said no that'd take all the sport out of it so uh you know I did my first four-step with Grady I you know I went through my steps with Gradi and you know I did my very first four-step with Grady and I talked about it in the workshop this morning you know when I had such difficulty and I think the reason that I was a retread for those years that I would hear is that I never completed the four step I want you to know the reason I didn't complete the four steps because I couldn't read or write I didn't and I just I made up you know that if I wrote it all out that you would take it and you would read it you could see how how bad it was, and you would punctuate it. So I just told Grady, you know, I just don't think I can do it. And she goes, why don't you write as much as you can? And she took me to the back of her cleaners and we got on our knees and we did the third step prayer together. She goes, now honey, I want you to be at my house tomorrow night at seven o'clock and it doesn't matter how much is there. Just bring what you've got. Thank God. Thank God that's who God put in my life. I didn't have somebody that wanted all this structure And I went to Grady's house, and we got on our knees again, and we did the third step prayer. And I read to her what I had. She asked me questions, and she wrote for me. And she wrote out my fourth step for me, and we spent six hours there. I know there's people in here that are horrified. It was such a wrong way to do it. And what I want you to know, there's no wrong way of doing anything. There's no way to nothing around here. You know, I encourage the people that I sponsor sponsor, that they go to big book studies because Grady made me go to Big Book Studies and we study the first 164 pages of the big book. And by doing that week after week, year after year, what happens? And if you do that and the people that I sponsor do that, you soon then integrate into your own mind, your own interpretation of what's here. So when Grady wasn't available or Louise wasn't a-available, I had the foundation because because I worked the steps. You know, I worked those steps. I worked Those Steps diligently. You know and I had gotten through my steps because Grady only allows us so much time. We have to get through our steps in a year. And I got through my Steps in a Year and I was like, I was just about a year and a half sober and I whined to Grady about something. She goes, you know, you're probably the most selfish, self-centered human being I've ever met in my life. You can't call me until you're sponsoring somebody. somebody. I thought, oh, I hated that. So at my home group there was one by the name of Jean and every Thursday night Jean would come there and pee her pants. So I went up to Jean and said, Jean, I'm going to sponsor you. Because I figured if I messed up with Jean she wouldn't notice. And Jean, you know, God has a sense of humor because Jean used used to call me at 2 o'clock in the morning from the nuthouse. And I'd just open up the big book, she'd call me collect, and I'd start reading to her. Guess what? Jean had a master's in English literature, and she'd been around Alcoholics Anonymous for 30 years. She knew the book inside and out. And she goes, no, Edie, no. Let me tell you what that really means. And he taught me about the first 164 pages of the big book. And I used to take other people that I sponsored, you know, those really sick ones. I went to to those meetings at, you know, group one and all the scary people. The scary people who were drawn to me, right? And we used to go visit Jean and take her candy bars and cigarettes and read out of the big book. And what I can tell you is I don't know whatever happened to Jean, but I'm sober and a few of the people I took there are sober. So the magic of this thing happens is when one alcoholic shares with another and we do those things, you now. We do those thing. I'm known around my home group as the one that if you need to take somebody anybody to detox, call Edie. She knows them all. And my lover, I've been in the same relationship for 14 years and she's got two years sober and she had 12 years. So what I want you to know is long-term relationships are possible with a lot of work. And thank God for Al-Anon because boy did I have opinions about it when she quit going to meetings. I wanted to tell her what I thought. I said, I think you might drink. Oh no, why would I want to to do such a thing well you're not going to meetings well that doesn't mean anything Alcoholics Anonymous just doesn't speak to my listening anymore I'm like oh okay got it and pretty soon she drank and I said to her well you know you're gonna have to get back into Alcoholics Anonymous right you know we're not gonna be able to continue our relationship and uh she goes I just don't think I can do that and I had to move out of our home for eight months and what I want you to know She just, on Friday, took a two-year chip. And she's more involved than she's ever been. And I stuck by her. You know, I stuck buy her, you know. She was saying to me the other day, she goes, well, you know, she's a newcomer. Oh, did I have to bite my lip? I said, well I guess so. You know newcomers are what they are. But God, don't they bring the joy to our lives. Don't they make our hearts sing. You know know, I was like two years sober and unemployable. And this guy who was kind of a, you know, smarty pants said to me, why don't you get a job? Well, I'm self-employed. You know, I'm on disability working for cash. You Know how that is? You know? I'm entrepreneurial. So he brought this application in the women, the sober women of Alcoholics Anonymous helped me fill out the application and it was for to be a project manager for the state of California they helped me fill it out I sent it off and you know I got a letter back from the state of california you get these serious letters when you're newly sober you take them to the home group and they read them they interpret them so I take him you know to Grady and Louise and on they say well it says you have to be at this at this down community center take a test we'll take you. And the long-time sober woman in my life loaded me in the car and took me down to take a test at the community center. And I got out, and they waited until I went through the doors, and I went though the doors and myself and 700 men took a test. And for four hours, you had four hours to take the test, right? And I didn't finish, but I finished as much as I could. And what I want you to know, a lot of what I've done in recovery I've learned how to suit up and show up and complete the process. And you know what, I gave it the very best sober woman I was that day and I walked away thinking gosh, that's really a big deal for me. And even though there were a few questions that I didn't get to finish I felt so good about the fact that I started something and I went through the process and I got to the and I took the test and I never thought in a million years that I'd score high enough to get a job or any of that but I got another letter from the state and it looked like I did really good so I took it to my home group and they said well you're in the top 10% they're going to give you a job well damn a job so I was one of the very first women ever hired by the state of California to do industrial inspections on the prisons and that's a big deal and I'm about to tell you I'm going to embark on what it was like to be a woman in a non-traditional field and I'm getting ready to tell you some things that aren't very pleasant but I'm going to tell for the new people you know I went to San Diego California and I was on Donovan prison I was assigned to Donovan Prison do you you know what it's like for me to be almost three years sober two and a half years sober and have a job like that to have my own little business card that said project manager for the state architects office office of California. I mean, you know, can you imagine? And you know how you get out there and you forget that there are evil people. You just forget. You know, for years I worked with my tools. And, you now, if I brought enough banana nut bread and did a good job they quit harassing me. And you now I was still all in glee. I don't even know, I on cloud, the pink cloud or something. And this guy put me in, his name was Al. Al was an inspector for 28 years. Let me tell you about Al. Al was so serious about being an inspector, he wore his hard hat inside the car. Yeah, he wears his hard head inside the car with his little khaki outfit. And I'm about to tell you something that's very unpleasant that he said to me, but I've got to tell you exactly what he said so you get the essence of this human being. Because this is the stuff that we encounter out in the real world and it's where we get to practice the principles. He looked at me and he said, well, we knew those minorities were coming, we just didn't know where. I thought, huh, must be one of them. I said, well, what other minorities are coming besides me? Now if you're older, I'm about to tell you know, please don't get offended, but I'm going to tell you what he said exactly the way he said it, because it was precious. He looked at me and he said, we knew we were going to have two niggers, an Indian, and a cunt. Now we're just waiting on the two ningers and the Indian. Ooh-wee! If you're new, this is where you practice the principles of the program. And there's a time, I think there's a time in our lives, because I want you to know there's a junkyard dog that lives deep inside of me. That to this day, I was thinking about what I wanted to say to that man. But I think if you even work this thing 10%, just 10%, 10% of you do that and come to meetings and just give it 10%, great things will come to pass. And there will come a time where Where you show up in a way that is unlike anything you had ever thought of yourself. And in that moment, I know it was like God talking through me in tongues. Because I looked at him and said, Well, you must have resistance in my being here. Now tell me that's not God speaking through me. Because I said, You must have some resistance in My being here, but it's not okay. that you ever talk to me like that again. You know, and I'm not going to go into the detail of what step I worked to find that place. The recovery of those steps and the principles and the traditions are woven through my life as if it were a fabric. Okay? And on that day, the magic showed up. Everybody's looking at their watch. Now, I got ten minutes after nine. Is this over at 930? What do we got? Oh, seven minutes. Yeah, the taper will always know. I can do this in seven minutes Now what I want you to know is the next day there was a coffee can they'd give me a little gift yeah, they'd given me a little gift. It said donations for penis transplant and it was like $6.25 I kept the can and bought lunch And it wasn't too long that I was asked to come and speak in Sacramento, back home to Sacramento. And there was an ad in the paper that UC Davis was hiring. You know, the same woman helped me fill out the application, and I applied for this big job that I shouldn't have gotten, and they sent me a letter, you know, it said you need to show up for this interview. And I showed up for the interview, and it was, you now, there were five people, and I'd never been interviewed my whole life. You know with the state you take a test and then you get placed on your placement of it I don't know how they do it in Texas. It's how they doing any Now I've only got six minutes, I gotta even speak faster And I you know what you know They gave me the job description I took it to my car and I read it and I'm like oh my goodness gracious budget of eight million dollars I can't even balance my checking account. There's no way I can do this job, but I'm already here and I've gotten dressed and God will do the rest and I'm just going to go be the best sober woman I can be today. I'm going to look them in the eyes and tell them the truth. And I walked into that interview room and they asked me all kinds of questions and I looked them dead in the eye and I could feel the sweat running down the side of my, you know. I was perspiring. And I just told them the proof and I walked out and I never thought in a million years I'd get that job. But do you know how much it felt to just complete the process? My little nieces gave me a magnet that says, shoot for the moon and land in the stars. So, you know, I don't know what your dreams are and I don'T really know what my dreams are, but just dream them and shoot for them and I DON'T care who they are. Don't let anybody step on your dreams. If you DON'T think that you can do it, you can DO it. And I want you to know that I walked away from that not thinking I got that job because I didn't think that I answered the questions good enough. You know what? They called me and told me I got the job. And I became the first woman to ever do industrial inspection for UC Davis, and I was a project manager to handle all of the inspections for the interiors and exteriors. And they gave me all the master keys. I'm going to tell you something. I went and looked at some shit. it. And I'm here to tell you that I never stole anything. But I had the keys long ways from a kid that grew up in a Rambler, long ways from a kids that grew up in Wrangler, and long ways for a kid who came to you so wounded that didn't even know what dreams and goals were. But, I knew somewhere inside of me that I had I had the fire in the belly to do something. And I just kept coming. I just keep coming. And as time went on, I found out there was things that I wanted. And it was a fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous that said, Honey, you can have whatever you want. And that's been the truth. You know, I applied for this job as a superintendent. Now, it got to be a game for me, you know? He's like, shoot for the moon. And I shot for this job called superintendent. Oh, shit. You know, and you're supposed to have an engineering degree. And, you know, I got a low IQ. But I'm good at puzzles. And, I, you now, they gave me a courtesy interview. I figured, like, it was just a courtesy interview, right? And I went to an interview panel where it was a table as long as this dance floor, and you could see the reflection of these important people. Very intimidating. And they asked me all kinds of questions, and at the end they said, You know, Edie, what we want you to know is that if you're the successful candidate in this program, you're going to be interacting with faculty and staff in a way that you're not doing now, and is there anything that you do in your community that really gives back? Oh, shit. I can't tell them I'm an alcoholic, and I go to prison to do H, and I just can't do that. I won't ever get the job. You know how that mind thinks? And then the mind said, but, you know, if it weren't for Alcoholics Anonymous, you wouldn't even be sitting at the table. So I looked at the committee, andI said, I want to thank you very much for the opportunity and the time and the privilege it's been to be here. And I also want to tell you that I'm a very, very proud member of AlcoholicsAnonymous. and I go into San Quentin and I carry meetings into the prisons in California and they ask, well really? These straight folks want to know about that stuff Well how do you do that in the prison? I said, well you know, you sign that little paper that says if they decide to keep you they're not going to bargain for you And I said, you know, my grandma's sponsor says You know, if you look at a plate in the morning And you find out who's committed If there's bacon and eggs Somebody had to give up their life for you to eat I said that to those people about being committed or involved, and they got it. I did a lot better than I just did then. And you know, I walked away and I thought, you know I'm never going to get that job. But boy, it felt good to tell the truth. Just tell the true. Just tell them who you are. Be proud about it. Guess what? I got called up to the chancellor's office. Guess what, they gave me that job! Yeah, yeah. It's a great accomplishment. And I went on to do some really, really great things. Some really, really great thing. And in 2001 my mother came, my adopted mother came with me to the Chancellor's house and I got a citation of excellence and just right after that I got an offer and I had a new boss. A new boss who was very Christian. Uh-huh. Very Christian. And in April the 25th of 2003 In 2003, he called me into his office and he said, we need your keys and your cell phone and the university police are going to escort you off campus. Do you know how that affected me? I'm like, they're going to do what? I was on investigatory leave. Investigatory leave where they paid me my full salary. I made a lot of money for eight months. I didn't want to tell you this story. In November 2003, they fired me. A job you can't get fired from. I know, well she must have did something. Yeah, I did. I'm a lesbian. I'm not a lesbian, I'm just a lesbian woman. I'm also a lesbian and I'm sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous. and there have been many depositions that have been taken in this lawsuit that I'm in right as we speak and it's kicking my butt but they tell me my fancy attorneys in San Francisco say that I am going to be the Aaron Brockovich of labor for UC Davis applause you know for all that what that's worth it's better for me to tell you the truth and tell you how hard that's been to be examined like that to have all those great acknowledgements and then to be fired from a job that you can't be fired from and to know that what it's about is that the three people involved belong to a Christian it's called a Christian warrior church and there's a whole lot that's coming out of all of that and really it was the environment was because I was a lesbian and what I want you to know is I'm going to take it to the I'm gonna go through the whole process I'm going to close with this, it was an American Indian conference and there was a man who was 90 years old who is 15 years sober and we were in a talking circle and he said as young people it's very important that wherever you go you pick up the soil and you smell all the soil and you learn the vegetation of the creator and mother earth he says you know when I was a little boy I used to see the medicine man with these rocks I always knew those rocks were healing rocks and I always wondered what they were so when I was old enough to go and talk to the medicine men I walked up to him and I asked him about those rocks and he said to me he put his arm around me and he He said, well, son, I'm just moving that mountain one rock at a time. And he says, you know, that's what we do at Alcoholics Anonymous. It says that we admitted we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives were unmanageable. It says we. He goes, you knows, some days I move my rocks and some days you help me move my rocks and sometimes I get to help you move my blocks. He goes, but remember, remember young ones, the longest journey you will ever take will be from your mind to your heart. And I've taken that journey with you tonight, so thank you so much.