The Lie That Going to Meetings Keeps You Sober – Jim S.

Maybe that's not far from the truth. My name is Jim Shields and I am an alcoholic. And I'm grateful to be here tonight. I actually live in Laguna Hills, but Irvine's close. I work in Irvine. It seems like I live there sometimes. Well, when I actually do work. But it's good to be hier tonight. I want to thank Valerie for asking me to come and speak and share my experience, strength, and hope. and maybe I will. And I'm old, and I can't remember everything. I can' t see either, so I don' t know why the hell I' m like that. Yeah, yeah, that's it. That's what happens when you... You know, I never expected to live past 30. It was just not in my plan. You know? I had to take a better care of myself if I was going to live this long. I was like, shit. You know. I didn' t think I didn't know. I didn''t know. Nobody told me. You know ? I figured, I'm dead long before I'm 30, so why do I have to be here? It's amazing to see how many people came out to hear Nayeli speak because everybody likes her. I'm not that popular, but it's good to be her tonight. She did a great job, and she is a shining example of the program. People who come in and watch her do some work and their life changes. and that's the amazing thing about Alcoholics Anonymous. You know, there are four things that qualify me to be up here and speak tonight. And the first one is I have a sobriety date. And my sobriery date is January 31st of 1986. And that was not that I'm counting, but that was 8,120 days ago. And you know what? I worked for every last one of them. I remember a few years ago I was taking a cake at a meeting I go to called the Soup Kitchen and they actually put a candle on for each year and each person takes a cake separately and I had like 18 years and they were trying to pawn me off with 16 candles and I said no, no,no those two years almost killed me I earned those I earned them the other thing I have is a home group and I have two home groups Actually, I have the Do It Sober meeting, which meets at 7.30 every day over on Moulton Avenue, 7. 30 every morning, and I'm there almost every morning unless I'm not. But usually I'm here, and, you know, I go there not necessarily because I need a meeting. I go THERE because I want to be available, and that's what my sponsor tells me. That's why he goes to so many meetings, and he's somebody that needs to go to a lot of meetings. And I have another home group, a new home group. And it's a book study on Thursday nights in Aliso Viejo. And we sit down, and we actually study the book word for word, line for line. Because that's what Alcoholics Anonymous is all about. It's all about the book, and it's all abut doing the steps. And it' all about doing them. It's not about thinking about the steps, analyzing the steps Talking about the step, thinking about steps It's actually doing them Actually sitting down with a pen and paper and doing an inventory And actually sitting down you know with a sponsor And doing a fifth step And you know all that stuff The other thing I have is I have a sponsor My sponsor is Jim Stevens He's going senile and he needs to go to a lot of meetings You know, I wasn't important enough for him to be here tonight. But he sent Courtney in his place. You know? He has his own representative here tonight, so, you know, I guess that's okay. And, you Know, the other thing, my sponsor has a sponsor, and my sponsor's sponsor is Ralph. If you're around here, you'd know Ralph. Ralph is a constant in the world around here. And Ralph has a sponsored, and his sponsor is Alice. And so I know where the chain goes up. And then I'm lucky enough to have a few people that I sponsor. And believe me, if you're not sponsoring some people, you're really missing out. I learn more from the people I sponsor than I could ever learn from my sponsor. Not because he's senile, because I just learn a lot from him. Okay, nobody's allowed to rat me out on that. What is said here stays here, blah, blah. you know so uh you know don't don't rap don't wrap me up you know i tell him he's senile all the time you know he was not long ago he mary and i were sitting in a meeting and somebody shared about something and we saw jim raise his hand and mary looks at me and he says oh he's going to tell the story about blah blah and it's like well of course he is and he starts talking and then you know he tells because that story what is that number 42 is that what he tells the same you And people try to stop him, and I'm like, don't stop him. Because I always like to listen to see if he actually changes the stories. He usually doesn't, unless he does. And the other thing I have is that I worked all 12 steps. I worked All 12 Steps. Recovery is all about the steps we take. It's not about the meetings we make. You don't get sober by going to meetings. And if you believe that lie, then you're on a wolf ticket because it's not true. You can go to meetings and they'll keep you sober for a while and they will keep you abstinent. They will not help you to recover from alcoholism. And because I worked those 12 steps, I've had a spiritual experience and the obsession to use and drink has been relieved for me. And that's a miracle. You know, I never thought I could stop. I never occurred to me too much to really stop. I didn't realize that alcohol and drugs were my problem, you know, because it was everything else. Alcohol and drugs are my friend, and you can't talk bad about my friend because it saved me. I believe alcohol and druggs were good for me. They really were. When I was a teenager, had I not had alcohol and drug, I would have gone crazy. I'd have killed somebody or I'd kill myself. And, you know, so they absolutely saved my life and they worked really well for me right up until the time that they didn't. And because I worked all 12 steps and because I've had that spiritual experience and the obsession has been relieved, you know I am recovered. I am a recovered alcoholic. I'm not recovering. I' m not trying to recover i am a recovered alcoholic and i say that because that's not what you hear in meetings but that is what you will see in the book if you actually read the book there's a i'm gonna share something now this is another thing you can't tell anybody else it's a big secret there's this yellow and blue book sitting back there on the shelf it is the best kept secret alcoholics anonymous there's so very few people that know anything about it but uh you know it it actually it it's actually the reason uh we're here and you know in the forward to the first edition it says we've alcoholics anonymous are more than 100 men and women who have recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body to show other alcoholics precisely how we have recovered is the main purpose of this book and that's what it's all about you know it's not all about The social things are great, and those are things that help make sobriety fun. But it's all about how did I recover from this? How did I get better? Because I never planned on getting sober. I never plan on living past 30, so I'm surprised to be here. I want to welcome all of the newcomers. You know, if you got here, you know, like the rest of us got here and you did a bunch of stupid, crazy, wild things, then, you're one of two things. You're either really stupid or you're an alcoholic. Now, if your relationship with God is stupid, if you're really stupid, I've got nothing for you. You are on your own. I've Got Nothing. I've GOT NOTHING FOR YOU. You know Fred and I have talked about it a lot. You cannot cure stupid. We have tried. We've tried. You cannot cure stupid. But if you're an alcoholic, we've got some good news for you. We actually have a way that you can get out of being who you are now. I didn't wake up one morning and say, My life is going pretty good. I've got money in the bank. I've Got Money In My Pocket. People love me. I've got no grief going on. You know, I think I'm going to go down and check out A&A and see what's happening with those guys. And, you know, let me teach them how they can live a better life, you know? I mean, I got here because I was just done. I was at the end of my rope. And I don't talk a lot about, you know, my drinking and using. I don' t know how anybody else got here tonight. I got here because I drank and I used a lot. And I did it as much as I could, as often as I could, and then I did some more. And that was my story. And, you know, fortunately somehow I got to Alcoholics Anonymous, and I'll tell you about that. And, um, you know, it's an amazing thing. You know, I really believe there's this old Buddhist saying that says, you know, when the student is ready, the teacher appears. and that's come true for me so many times in Alcoholics Anonymous I remember being about 10 or 12 years sober and I was flying back from the east coast and I had to fly through Dallas which is hell Dallas is an awful place to fly sorry for my friends from Dallas but it's an awful place and it was winter time And, you know, I had booked it just right. You know, you fly in, you land, you get off the plane, and you've got just enough time to go to the bathroom, get a cup of coffee, stretch your legs, and then you go tothe gate next to where you got off and you get on to the next airplane. But apparently there was a rumor that somebody saw a snowflake which shuts down Dallas, apparently. Apparently they're not able to do anything if there's a snowflAKE in Dallas. And so they shut down the airport. And, you know, like three or four hours later and there's like no end in sight and I'm there at the airport and, you Know, I'm pissed. I'm Pissed. It's awful. I'm sitting there. There's, You Know, The Airline Sucks. The Weather People Suck. The Airport Sucks, The Travel Agents, Everybody Sucks And all the people in the airport besides me suck, and it's awful. It's awful, and I'm not accepting any of these things that are going on because I'm a big shot. I'm an important guy. I've got people to see, places to go, things to do, which I'm sure was nothing. But in my mind, because it's in my head, I had things to doing, and that was important. And I'm sitting there, and I'm kind of sitting on the aisle of the gate. And, you know, I got my elbows on my knees, and I'm staring down at the ground, and I'm burning a hole in the floor. I'm pissed. I am just pissed. What is wrong with these people? Why are we getting on the airplane and leaving? You know, maybe it's not such a good idea if the professionals think that you shouldn't be flying, that not to be flying. But, you Know, that's not what I'm thinking. And I'm sitting there, and the longer I'm sitting there the more angry I am. And finally, you know, I'm staring at the floor and all of a sudden there are a pair of shoes between my shoes. And I look up like this and there's a belt buckle right here. And I am like getting ready to swing. Because I don't like anybody in my personal space. And it's crowded and I don' t like crowds. And all of the sudden this person is standing there and I am not in acceptance of anything in the world at that moment. And I look up, and it was Dr. Paul. And he looked down at me, and he said, he had this funny nasal twang, for those of you who knew him, and he says, young man, it looks like you could use some ice cream. And I'm like, okay, God, I guess I'm in acceptance now. The man who wrote the chapter in the book that says acceptance is the key to all of my problems today is here to give me a lesson, and so I guess I'm a student that's ready to learn. And, you know, we went and sat down and had some ice cream and talked about acceptance for a while, and all of a sudden it was okay. The weather was okay, and the delay was okay and, you Know, time and time again when I needed God to bring somebody into my life to teach me a lesson, You know, that person has always been there. And, You know one of the great things about being around for a long time is I got to know some of those guys that have been around for along time. And if you're new, that's such a loss for you that you didn't get to know Dr. Paul and you didn'Tget to know Eddie C and you Didn'Tgetto know some of those other old-timers that were around like Bill Marcus and Ted Harback and some of these guys that were here for a while that paved the way for us to be here today. And that's the great thing about being able to be sober for a long time and really owe a debt of gratitude to those people. But if you are new, it's good that you're here. And I'll tell you that there will be no shortage of people squirreling up your ass to tell you what to do because that's what they do here. They'll be telling you sponsor meetings, blah, blah. Until you're sick of it. And I've got to tell You, if you're new tonight, there's one thing that you should probably do. And that's pick up the book. There's some really good information in there. And figure out whether or not you're an alcoholic. Maybe you just had bad luck. Maybe, you know, you got in the car and you just had that one cocktail at the party too many. And, you only drink on New Year's Eve or whatever it is. But for the rest of us, we're probably here because we need to be. And if you're new, just check it out for a while. And we have some really good information that will help you make up your mind before you actually get a sponsor and work some steps and things like that. But anyway, like I said, I don't like to talk too much about drinking and using because frankly I've heard every war story, drunk a lot, that if I never hear another one the rest of my life, it will be too soon. You know, I don' t care how much you drank. I don''t care, or if you were the king of cocaine, I don't care, I just don't care. I have encyclopedic knowledge in my head about how to get loaded and I don' t need any more information. I do not need any more information about howto get drunk and howtogetstoned and howtosalemanufactureroranythingelse because I've already been there, done that. So, you know, and if you're sitting in a lot of meetings and people are talking a lot about their drunk-a-logs, you know, stop them. You know, if you've been sober for a little bit, you have the responsibility to do that. You know? Going to meetings isn't about sharing your drunk-o-log. The only time you need to share your drunk log is when you're on a 12-step call. You should be going to meetings to share experience, strength and hope. And the newcomers in the meeting need to know how to stay sober. They don't need to learn how to drink. They need to understand how to work a step. They need to know that you know how to do it. They needto know that somebody else has been down that road before them. And, you know, if that's not what's happening in the meetings you're going to, you know you're responsible to help change that. And,you know, I'm one of those radicals that think that treatment centers and some other things have really diluted the message of Alcoholics Anonymous. And, you know, you will hear a lot of lies in Alcoholics Anonymous in the meetings. And, uh, you know, probably I guarantee every one of you within the last seven days has heard something like don't drink, go to meetings and it'll all be okay. And I'm telling you that's a fucking lie. And if you read the book, it'll tell you it's a lie. That's not what they talk about in the book. That's crap out of some treatment center from some psychologist who's making a trainload of money out of someone suffering alcoholic. And, you know, if I could not drink, I would not be here on a Friday night. You know? I mean, when I got sober in 1986, Nancy Reagan was the first lady, and her big thing was just say no. And it's like, I never said no one time in my life. That's such a foreign concept to me. I just don't understand. It's like... Just say no? What? What? What? I don't get it. And, you know, you don't get sober by going to meetings. I mean, you just don't. Some good information there, but you don'T get sobered by going to meetings, you get soberer by working the steps. You get sober by getting a sponsor and you get sober by doing the steps, not by thinking about them, talking about them worrying about them procrastinating about them you get over by actually doing the steps And I'm sorry, I already said that like what, four times? I'm going to do it for about six more times in the next 15 minutes. So, you know, because, you Know, really, I mean, you Know, what you'll hear is that, You know, the steps up here on The wall, they're just a suggestion. And that's what you will hear. And, you Now, that's true, they are just a Suggestion, but they are the only suggestion we have. They are the Only thing that we have to suggest to you is to work the steps that's how you will recover from alcoholism and um that's it but i'm only going to talk about two times that i drank and i'm talking about the first time i drank when i crossed that invisible line that they talk about i'm gonna talk about the last time that i drink the first time i drink i was i was about 13 years old and and um uh i'm the youngest of six kids my my brother who's four years older than me was home and i was home everybody else was gone and my parents were going to go on this short little business slash vacation trip and leave us home alone. And nobody ever accused them of having good judgment, they had six of us. But you know, and I remember, you know they left and I think the party started about five seconds after they got to the stoplight at the end of the street, you now. And we had this little three bedroom house and there must have been 300 people in there. And, I mean, it was packed. And my brother was a senior in high school and he wrestled. He weighed 132 pounds. But he could bench press 350. And he was a stud. He still is a stud today. And he met everybody on the way in and said, if you break anything, I will break you. And amazingly, there were that many drunk high school kids and nothing got broken. And my mother actually didn't find out about this until shortly before she died, actually. We were talking about it. My brother and I were talking About it, and it was like, oh, yeah, I remember that week that they left, and oh, my God. And it's like, well, yeah. That's when I kind of crossed that invisible line. And my mom's like what are you guys talking about? And, you know, I mean, they were gone for a week, and I was drunk for a week. I was I was not able to make it to school, you know, and that's just the way it was. But I remember that Friday night, you know, everybody that came to the party, they had to bring two of whatever they were bringing. And, you Know, one was for the host of the party and one was for them. And so I snagged a bottle of Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill and a couple of Schlitz Malt liquors. And, yeah, ooh, ooh is later. Yeah, that's right. And my brother's best friend, Matt Stone, who I know I'm going to meet in a meeting one of these days. But he was selling joints for 50 cents a piece. And so I got out my crisp $1 bill and I was ready to go. My best friend Wayne Patterson and I, who you always look around and say, He was waiting here tonight, you know, because he was definitely one of us. But he and I were in the basement, and we had a couple joints, and we hade a bottle of wine, and WE HAD A COUPLE OF MULT LIQUORS, AND WE PROCEEDED TO GET LOADED. And I remember getting loaded, and I remember being totally drunk, totally stoned, totally out of control, and totally terrified. Just terrified. It was the first time I'd really been outside of my head. And I was terrified, and I remember having the conscious thought, I can't wait to do this again. And you know what? For the next 14 years, I did as often as I could. And, you know, I was 13 years old when I got loaded for the first time, And I've got to tell you, you know, I really needed a drink when I was 10. I really need one when I'm 10. When I was 9, I probably needed one coming out of the womb. I needed, you now, a little mixed in with the formula or something, you kno. Because that's just the way I am. You know, and alcohol goes to the core of my very innermost being. And, you kow, I can tell you that for the next 14 years, my pattern was real simple. If I was here and the drink was here, anything that came between me and the drink, I was going to make disappear. And that's what I did. And I made educational opportunities disappear. I made career opportunities disappear, I made a wife disappear, I made child disappear, I made three brothers who love me disappear, I made two sisters that love me, I make them disappear, I made two parents who really did love me. I was their baby. I was the surprise child. They had five and seven years, and then four years later they had me. I was that surprise child, and my parents really did loved me. And I made them disappear. I made everything disappear. I made jobs disappear. You name it, anything in my life that could have been positive or good, I may disappear if it came between me and the drink. And that's just how it was. And that is how my life was for the next 14 years. And, you know, the biggest thing that I made disappear is I made a big piece of my soul disappear. You know, all that drinking and using did not come without a price. And it took me a long time being sober to find out exactly what that price was. And, you know, and it was a heavy one. But, you Know, I don't like to share a lot of war stories about what happened, so I won't. And, You know, I'll fast forward to Thanksgiving in 1985. And Thanksgiving in 1995, I was living in Laguna Beach. I was sharing a three-bedroom house with a roommate. And she was the only woman I ever knew. She was the Only person I ever Knew that Smoked More Pot Than I Did. You know? I mean, She Was the Freak of Nature. but uh you know we were home and it was thanksgiving and um you know we were going to cook dinner for all of our all of our friends that had no place to go and really what that meant is we had no space to go so we were gonna cook dinner that's how that translated and it was about 10 o'clock in the morning and i was smoking a joint and i drinking some bourbon and i was cooking and the phone ring and uh rang and And it was my buddy Rod, and Rod said, what are you doing? And I said, the party's already started. And he said, I'll be there in an hour. And I'm pretty sure that Rod got there that day, and I'm probably going to be there for a while. I'm sure that we probably had dinner that day. But I just don't have any real recollection of it. And then you can fast forward a month to Christmas, and I am sure that there was a Christmas and a Christmas Eve of 1985. I have no recollection at all. I'm sure that there was a New Year's Eve and a New Year's Day. Have no memory. Don't know. Can't tell you. Don't, don't know anything about it. And the only thing I remember from January is the space shuttle blew up that year. And I remember that. And I Remember watching on TV and crying, you know? And the next thing that I really remember is January the 30th, 1986. And I was working that day, and I was workin' from 3 o'clock in the afternoon until 9 o' clock at night. I was sellin' new Porsches in Orange County and all the things that went with that. And Iwas comin' home that night at 9 o'. And my plan was I was gonna go straight to bed because I had to get up in the morning and I had to go down and talk to the district attorney about why I'd never paid child support for that child that I had abandoned. So I was going to get home, I was gonna go to bed, I was gunna get a good night's sleep and I was gonnna take care of business. I was gonna man up and Iwas gunna go do the right thing for a change. And you know what happened is I got home and my buddy Rod was there and my roommate was there And they were drinking and they were using. And I said, no, I don't want to. And I ended up drinking against my will. And that sounds strange, but it's actually true. For some reason, I didn't want to drink that night, and I drank anyway. Which was not a usual occurrence for me. when at the end of my using and drinking, I was suffering from a physical phenomenon that some alcoholics have I abused my body so much that I suffered from a condition called reverse tolerance. And one night, I might drink a fifth of Wild Turkey and be pretty sober. And the next night, I might drank two beers and be completely shit-faced. And there was no pattern to that. It was Mr. Toad's wild ride, let me tell you. And I got home that night, we started using it, we started drinking, and I drank a lot of bourbon that night. And I drank, I drank and I drank some more And there were some other things that we did And I was sitting there At four o'clock in the morning In the absolute worst place That an alcoholic can ever be Inside my own head Completely sober And cognizant of my life And what was going on And I couldn't get loaded I could not get drunk And it was an awful, awful, Awful place to be And it Was Four O'Clock in the Morning and there's a silence that it's at 4 o'clock in the morning. It's deafening, it's loud, it'S so quiet. And I'm sitting there with my best friend Rod and he was my best friends because he was my only friend. He was the only person that I didn't make disappear from my life because he never got between me and a drink. And we each had pretty good drug connections so that was a lot of the attraction there too. But we're sitting there And for the first time in my life, at 27 years old, I got honest with another human being. And I was sitting on the couch and I looked at my best and only friend, Rod. And I said, Rod, I'm really miserable. I'm real miserable. My life isn't working. I'm reall unhappy and I don't know what to do. Now this isn't the kind of conversation you usually have with somebody when you're getting loaded. And usually the closest to that is, I love you man. You know, but that's as close to emotion as you get. You know we have those kind of conversations sober but not, you know, in here but not when we're out there and you know Rod had to think about it for a minute and it was really quiet and I could hear the gears turning in Rod's head and he was trying to decide what he was going to say and he thought about it für a minute and he's looking straight ahead and he finally goes, well Jim, I don't have any answers for you middle. I know some people that do. And, uh, I'd arrived at step one. That was my 12 step call. And, um, I didn't know it at the time. I didn'T find out until later. Rod was 30 years old and he'd been trying to get sober for 11 years. And the most he'd had was five months. And he went out after five months on Thanksgiving day at my house. And uh, you know, um. I pressed Rod for some information and he had, he was having no part of it. He was just dodging every question I had for him, and he left shortly after that. And I kind of figured out later, much later actually, that I was technically what was called a buzz kill. Because apparently that head full of AA and that body full of dope was just not a good combination for him. But I went, you know, and then you go through the calculation. Let's see, it's 4.30 if I go to sleep now and, you know, and I can sleep for an hour and 30 minutes. And then, you Know, and I got up and I went to court and I did some shuck and jive to this poor woman and put her together and she never knew what was happening. And one more time I slid by. One more time i slid away. And, You know, then I went and did, You Know, something that I can't explain to this day. Instead of going back home to my house, my three-bedroom house on Laguna Beach overlooking the ocean, I went to, I checked into a motel on South Harbor Boulevard in Anaheim. And that was before it was the Anaheaim Resort area, let me tell you. All the motels over there were hooker dope fiend motels. I mean, I guess I wanted to be by my, I wanted it to be around my people. And, you know, I went and checked into that motel, and I didn't drink and I didn't use. And I got up the next day and, you know, the next day was kind of a fog and I drove around and I don't really remember anything that happened and I decided I need to seek out some answers. So I drove up to Rod's apartment in Rosemead and I showed up to his house at about 730 and I knocked on his door, the door of his apartment unannounced and he invited me in and we sat down on the couch and I told him, I said, Rod, you know, my life's not working and I'm miserable and I don't know what to do. And he stood up and he said, Jim, I don'T have any answers for you, but I know some people that do come with me. And we walked out of his apartment. We walked down the steps. We walked around the pool and we walked into the clubhouse of the apartment complex. And there were a bunch of people in there and there was an 8 o'clock meeting getting ready to start. And I haven't had a drug or a drink since. And like I said, that's been 8,120 days ago. And that's not because of my power. By my own human power, I could not get sober. I could no stop drinking. I could stop using drugs. It was all about I got into the steps and I got in to doing the deal. And that is what I did. And I got busy and I go sober and I get married and I started a business. and I made a train load of money and bought the big house on the hill and did a lot, a lot of things. And I was... I can remember a morning, it was a Saturday morning, I was 14 years sober and I was standing out in front of my house and I Was smoking a Cuban cigar and I WAS standing in the driveway of this house and it was big house on a big acre lot with a big swimming pool and a big horse corral, and there were a few people in this room that were at that house. And it rocked. It really did. It was a bitchin' house. And the problem with all these people in here that know me, I've got to keep on my toes because I've Got to Tell the Truth because they know me. But I'm standing there in my driveway, and I've GOT this driveway where it comes up and it kind of goes to a Y, and you can park like five cars and not block anybody in. I'm standin' there smokin' this Cuban cigar, and I'm looking at my BMW convertible and I got my new Corvette convertible and I've got my Cadillac and I have my Harley sitting in the garage and I am looking down the street and the street in Fullerton is up in Sunny Hills and they call this street Pill Hill because that's where all the doctors live it was a beautiful street with the big Chinese elm trees and I was standing there smoking this cigar and I've got a wife in the house who loves me that thinks I'm a great guy. I've Got a girlfriend across town that loves me and thinks I am a great man. Oh yeah, that too, huh? And I'm smoking this cigar and I'm thinking God, I don't think I could be any more miserable than I am today. It's not about the hits that you get. And shortly after that I had to start getting honest in Alcoholics Anonymous, and I had to go back and start over again. I hadto go back, andI had to work some steps, and Ihad to get another sponsor, and Ihad to do a lot of stuff because I was either going to drink or I was going to kill myself, one of the two. I knew I couldn't be dishonest like that and stay sober. And, you know, Ralph talks about when we get sober that it's kind of like a whack-a-mole game. You know, like they have a Chuck E. Cheese, and you've got this one problem alcohol, and you pound that down, gambling pops up. It's son of a bitch, and then it's sex, and there's food, and then there's work, and it's always something. Because we want to obsess on something. We want to get outside of our own heads with something. And that's what it was all about. But I got busy, and I got sober, and changed my life. And the message is that if you're sitting in this room tonight and you've been sober for a while, and you haven't done the work, you can do the work. It's not too late. You don't have to go out and drink to start your program over again. And you can get back into the steps. And you kan get back and do the things that you need to do. And, you know, it will be worth the journey. It will be worthy of the journey You know, there's no coincidence that I've known six people since I've been sober that stone cold sober with some time they walked out in their backyard and put a gun in their mouth and blew their brains out because that's just how miserable it is because if i can't drink and i don't have or i don'T HAVE GOD IN MY LIFE I'M SCREWED I AM SCREWed I'VE GOT NO PLACE TO GO I GOT NO PLACE To HIDE I GOT No Place To Run And You Know That'S That'S What And that's what happened to me. You know, I want to share a little bit about the last year and a half has been busy for me. And, you know, I ended a relationship that I'd been in for about four years that I was ready to stay in for the rest of my life. And against my will it was ended, I guess. And I got kicked to the curb is really what that means. And, and, you know that was really tough and i and i got into another relationship and and you know and and they say you know that that uh pain is the touchstone to growth and and if that's true i grew like a son of a bitch but but uh but i stayed sober and uh that was that was the the important thing and and and i stayed busy and i'll call it synonymous i got busy and I and you and you know and I always sponsored five or six guys and there were seven or eight and then there was nine or 10 and then there was a dozen and now there's 16 and uh you know and and 16 guys is a lot of 16 people's a lot to sponsor and um you know if if you just had that thought in your head you know well he's sponsoring too many people well then get off your fucking ass and do some work i need some help and you know um you Know and uh anyway um last august you know i went to the doctor and it was just that regular checkup to you know renew a couple of prescriptions and and he looked at me and he said he said jim how long how long have your lymph nodes been swollen i said well doc i could tell you that if i knew where my lymph nodes were and uh he said yeah they look a little swollen and and uh to make a long story short um you know i did some blood work and he called me in a couple days and and he's a gym i've already cleared with him the insurance company and you need to go make an appointment at hogue hospital and here's the number and, you know, you need to have a biopsy done on your left nuts. And I've already sent them the order to do that. And, you know, I hung up the phone and I knew that I was sick. I knew that it was serious. And I knewthat I wasn't going to die. AndI knew that Iwas going to be sick for six months. Don't ask me how I knew all this stuff, but I knew it. Andi talked about it to some people. Andyou know, sure enough, I went I did the test, and I had lymphoma and leukemia. And I just finished chemo about six weeks ago. And, you know, it's all good now. But, you Know, somebody recently said, You know, that, Oh, I'm so sorry that, You Know, you were sick and so forth. And it was like, I can tell you that being sick was one of the single most great experiences in my life. You know, when I got sick, you know, it showed me what life was all about. You know? I didn't have to do that God get me out of this one prayer. It was like, I was sitting there and I said, God, I will do whatever. Whatever you want, I'm here to do it. If whatever's going to happen, I am okay with. And the only thing I asked that I was able to walk through with a little bit of grace and dignity, and that's what happened. And, you know, I've got to tell you that I got sick and the AA Army showed up. And it was pretty overwhelming for me because I'm a pretty low-key kind of guy. And, You know, I had four people tell me immediately, well, what we're going to do, and these were four people independent of each other said, well, here's what we are going to do. We're going to pack up all the stuff in your apartment and we're going to put it in storage and you're going to move into my extra bedroom and I'm going to take care of you. And, uh, you know, that was, that Was pretty amazing. And I had a lot of people praying for me and, and I had A lot of People calling me every day and, and, uh You know, I got to tell you that, that, um, you Know, I've done a lot of drugs so I have a lot compared to the analysis and I gotta tell you the chemo drugs, they really suck. They're not fun at all. It was not a good buzz, let me tell you that. But I was able to get through that. I was able to walk through that and I was able to go to the other side. And it was all because I did the footwork. I did exactly what the doctor told me to do. And that's what I learned to do in AA. I took those steps and walk through it. But at any rate, life is good today. Life is really good today, and I want to thank you again for asking me to share it with you. Thanks.