How She Found a Higher Power of Her Understanding in Safety – Mary T.

Hi there, my name is Mary Thayer. I'm an alcoholic. It's nice to be here and I want to thank Popeye for asking me and also for dinner tonight it was kind of like a You know you have brunch? I guess we had lunch dinner or something like that. Nancy and John were lovely. It was good to get to know you. Thank you, Doug. Thank you for a wonderful talk last night, and I guess it's my turn, isn't it? It's such an honor to be asked to speak in Alcoholics Anonymous. This was not something I wanted to do. When I came in, I really, all I wanted to do was sit on my hands in the back row and melt into a chair. That's how I got to Alcoholics Anonymous. And I was really a very frightened person by the time I got here. And alcohol had taken just about every bit of courage there was from me. So to actually be standing here in such a large conference speaking is amazing, just absolutely amazing. To be asked to come to a place for almost a week, to have a room that overlooks the ocean, to wake up and do your morning meditation with the sun coming out of the ocean and watching dolphins go along, it's amazing. I mean, of course, I could have cared less when I was drinking about that, but I want to say that it's been breathtaking being here. And I'm really, really grateful. I'm very grateful. I'm so really grateful to be sober and able to even appreciate this. A couple of years back, I read something that Mother Teresa had said. She said something about the fact that most people draw their family circle too small. And I have found for myself that my AAU family is immense, just immense. And I need you people probably more today than I did when I came in. And because I'm a person that is, I think the reason I'm sober as long as I have been is because I've remained teachable in these halls. It's very important for me. I was raised in New England. I was raising in a very proper Boston. I was raise just north of Boston, a lovely little town on the ocean. and it was kind of a proper home. And I was supposed to be seen and not heard and that wasn't easy for somebody that's a curious kid and I was also somewhat of a rebellious kid and so I was kindof put away. We had a lot of nursemaids and I guess nowadays they call it abandonment issues But whatever it was, I can tell you that I did feel different. I felt alone. I didn't feel right in my bodysuit. And I didn' t feel as if I was a part of anything. And my folks drank every day, the cocktail hour or whatever. The sun was over the yard on some place, so booze came out. And so it was always around me, and when I was given it, I liked it. And I found that I fit in, and that alcohol, that thing that made me feel comfortable, started very young for me. And it helped kind of with my rebellion to be drinking and stuff. And pretty soon I was really not acting that proper, and so they felt maybe I should be sent away to school. and I was and I learned very quickly how to make hot cider and I learned a couple of things I went to a prep school up in Maine and on the way up to Maine they had these little roadside stands that you would be able to buy cider and somehow now, I don't know how this works but I was probably about 12 or 13 years old how did I know that you had to buy the cider on the side of the road and not in the store because the one in the story had the preservative. Now, I don't, you know, you think back and you wonder these things, but I think we Alkies, we want what we want when we want it and we know how to get it and that's kind of what I did. I bought this, I would con my father, of course that's a little trait too, I would conn my father into stopping to get me some cider to bring into the dorm And, of course, I always wanted two or three gallons because the girls would all drink it as soon as I got there. And I needed to have more than just one gallon. Of course, you know, you hit their guilt button and he would stop and he Would buy me these two or Three gallons. Of course I didn't share it. I had no intention of sharing it. That was something that I could get through the school with. And that was not, you Know, I don't think that's normal. So I learned how to lie. real quick I was lying I was conning I was getting what I wanted when I came home from for holidays my father had a wonderful liquor cabinet it was just great and he had one of those old fat we had an old-fashioned kind of home and they had these cabinets they had the hinges on the outside with the pins in them and I learned very easily how to take the pins out of the hinges because he locked the liquor cabinet obviously he thought either my sister or I were into it And I moved the bottles over just so and take what I wanted. So alcohol was really working for me in my teenage years, and it worked for me. And I think today when I look back, if it was still working, I'd probably be out there. What happened for me is that I got through that prep school. I was very rebellious. They wanted me to, you know, in those days it was very interesting. Women were supposed to just go to secretarial school. That was it. Support your husband, I guess. I don't know what it was. And I didn't want to do that. I didn'T want to dO any of those things. So I went off to swim in the waterfollies to be a professional swimmer. And that wasn't too proper, and so I did it. I mean, you know, those are the things that happen when you kind of grow with this disease. and I got back and I went to work in Boston while I was waiting for another show to go out and one of the gals I graduated from this prep school with was living in Harvard Square and she and I met and these really nice looking guys came in you know and we all went to some bar and drank and you know I ended up pregnant and married in that order which wasn't proper I mean it just really wasn't the thing to be doing and they were wonderful my folks I mean they really were they I mean like they gave me a lovely wedding and everything and then I left all the money profit and prestige which diverts us from our primary purpose. And I ended up in this little apartment with this wonderful man that was of course a drunk. And as I always say, he wasn't the fun type. He really wasn't. Now we can guess with the local police because I was pretty battered and I went through about a year or more of marriage with him and my daughter was about eight months old and I and I left this man and I came back to the money property and prestige and on the yacht club porch we're not supposed to be talking about what we've done so alcohol I think that's when I started to really use alcohol for something other than and it would keep me together enough and it became necessary. And I didn't understand that was happening to me. And so for about four more years, I created a reputation in that small New England town. And what does any good drunk do when that happens? We take a geographical cure. And, uh, I got as far away from Massachusetts just as I could, and ended up in Southern California. And when I got sober, my sponsor used to say, they tipped the map and all the loose nuts fell into Southern California I had five wonderful years of blackout drinking there. Nobody knew who I was. It was just absolutely wonderful, I thought. Of course, I don't remember a lot of it. I remember periods near the last couple of years of that where I was having a big difficulty with coming out of these blackouts yelling at the only thing I love most in this world, which was that little child. And she was probably about just before she turned five when we ended up in Southern California. and her father was still in New England. He later came out to Southern California. In fact, you probably know him. He's right there in the halls out there. But anyway, I drank out there, and it was not pretty. It isn't pretty. I think sometimes as a woman alcoholic, it isn't fun to talk about that stuff. I'm sorry. I don't have that type of a talk for you. I did a lot of wild things. I suppose I could tell you all those stories, but the truth of the matter is that I woke up with a hole in my gut and wind was blowing through, and I looked over at that little kid, and that little kids was scared to death, always looked like a deer in the headlights. I never knew how I was going to react to her. And when I'd come out yelling at her and stuff, I realized maybe it would be better if I went to the bar and drank. And that's not really healthy, is it? I mean, you know, I had a good reason not to drink. But I felt, well, maybe if I'm not around her, that would be the way to do it. And so I ended up being a barroom drinker. And I lived in this apartment building that was, had about 20 units. And there was a gal that had a teenage daughter there. And she was the babysitter. And I was always just going to stop for one. That's all. You know, when you really want to stop and you just can't, it's just, I couldn't anymore. That was not an option. I thought I could every time that I stopped, that they'd just have to watch my daughter for one hour. That's all they had to do. And within one hour or so, I was calling and saying, gee, Elaine, do you think you could watch Candace for another hour? I should be home in an hour. She'd say, fine. After about the third or fourth call, she'd say why don't you just leave her overnight. And that's kind of how my story goes. I was a daily drinker and a periodic drunk. I never knew when I was going to get drunk at the end, whether it would be one or two. During that time, I was out there in California, and in those days, in order to get a job, you had to take a typing test. And I had a little problem with the shakes. And I went to a doctor, and he sent me to a psychologist, and the psychologist asked me if I was alcoholic, and I said, no, I don't drink that much. And what's that much? I mean, you know, what does that mean? I didn't know. I didn' t even know what alcoholic meant. I really didn' , so he gave me this wonderful little pill called Valium. It was wonderful. You know, I could take that when, you kno w, I'd come home and I'd be needin' to go to bed and I' d pass out, of course, and I come to and I take one of those little things And boy, that was really good stuff if you're a drunk. It really is. Probably wasn't a wise thing to be drinking with it. I ended up a lot of times in the hospital and they would be saying, what's the matter with you? Maybe you need a little bath. They'd give you a little bit more of that stuff. It was wonderful. So I was not well. I really wasn't. By the time I got to you people, I was sleeping with a knife between my box spring and mattress. to ward off something that was trying to get me a knife. I couldn't see it. It would always go away when I got the knife out. It was gone somehow. I was crying myself to work, crying myself home. I was trying slide that drink across the bar. I thought I was shy or something. That was why I was shaking. I didn't know. I was dying of the disease of alcoholism. I had no idea. You know, you... We all get here in a miraculous way. And sometimes I think we're not even aware of how miraculous that is until a little time in this program. But one morning I got up, very hungover, and went over one more time to pick up that child. And I walked in, and the mother was there. I don't know, she was usually gone or something, or we were rushing to get to her. I don' t know, maybe it was a Saturday morning. No, it couldn' t have been. It was a Thursday morning, now that I think about it. Anyway, she said, Marithia, why don't you come in? I've really never talked with you. I'd like to get to know you. We know Candace. I felt, yeah, okay. So she poured me a cup of coffee and she started to talk to me. And she was a woman that worked at Lockheed. And she had been raised in Massachusetts. and she'd gone to MIT and she was an engineer and it was a very interesting lady you know, she really was and then she proceeded to tell me she was alcoholic and I said, really? and she said, yes and then she started to tell me her story and I found it fascinating and I thought I said boy I know a lot of people that could probably use that AA plane you know that? and she says well you know we have open meetings and I say you do And she said, yes, we have one tonight. Wouldn't you want to come? And I said, I don't know. I don' t know if I can get a babysitter. She said, oh yeah, we've got... I went to work and I was standing there and my boss said, how are you doing? And I, you know, I said I'm going to AA tonight. And he said, you are? And I says, yeah. I said this lady, I mean, you knoW, there's a lot of people that probably would need this. It's an open meeting, she said. So I'm going. She said, all right. He said, All right. So I go to this meeting. And for some reason, she was being sponsored at that time by a man named Clancy. And for Some Reason, Clancy wanted her someplace. I don't know where. But her husband at that point was a guy named Dave. And he brought me to my first meeting. And it was a Friday night, and it was the Winneka Friday night meeting in the valley. And I walked in, and as you heard Doug talk about how big the meetings are out there, they're amazing, they really are. Californians really clean up very well. There's a lot of bling. And they were all laughing and shaking hands, and that was very exciting. And Dave would introduce me to people and say, this is Mary's first meeting. And they'd say, oh, hi, go get some literature and sit over here. And, you know, all right. And, um, you Know, I was thinking, oh this is an open meeting so maybe everybody comes kind of like the PTA. People come and they sit and it's a happy crew. It's definitely not what I perceived AA to look like, um you know in my mind. And they gave me this thing. In those days, they used to have this thing called 20 questions. I don't see it around very much anymore. But they had these 20 questions, and I started to look at it. And they said, oh, don't answer them now. Someday when you're alone, answer them one at a time and, you know, see what you think. And I said, thank you. And I sat there, and a little lady jumped in. She said, hi, are you new? And I says, well, I'm just visiting. And she said, great, welcome. And they started the meeting, and as Doug was saying, you know, they sing out a key. They have a, you Know, with all the birthdays, they, you Know, and people laugh, and they, and People tell a little story, and it was very entertaining. It really was. It was, it was Very nice, and finally they had the main speaker, and this woman stood up, and She was the first woman alcoholic in California, and her name was Sybil, and And at that time, she had about 34, 35 years of recovery. And I was saying, my God, she's got more recovery than I'm old. And she was profound. She really was a profound lady. There would be moments that I would be laughing hysterically. And then the next minute there would be like this thing in my throat and I just wanted to die. I mean, you know, I didn't know what was going on. There was like an emotion coming up, you now. And I would just sit there. And at the end of the meeting, David turned and everybody was clapping. And he said, how do you feel, Mary Theron? I said, I could cry. And he says, go ahead. And it was like floodgates opened up for me. And I just started to psalm. And there was some energy that I had felt in that meeting. And there were something about what that woman was talking about. And I had no idea what it was. But it was so, I felt so safe for some reason. I just felt so saved. And he walked me up to Sybil and he said, Sybil, I want you to meet Mary Thayer. This is her first meeting. And she looked me in the eye and she said, Welcome home, honey. And I felt that. I felt it. I felt like I had never felt welcomed home anywhere. I was sent away to school when I got married. I was beaten to a pulp. I didn't feel family at all. So when I tell you that we draw our family circle too small, it's because it was very small for me. It was very painful, the family that I was in. And it was when I came into these halls on September 13th, September 13rd, so that means in nine days I'll have 35 years of recovery. Thank you. We were driving home from that meeting, and Dave turned to me and he said, What did you think, Mary Theron? I said, I don't know. I said I don' t know. I said it's like, it's the most fun I've had without a drink. I said that much, and he kind of laughed, and he said, well, you know, if you have the disease of alcoholism, it's a progressive disease. He says, you can kind of like, it's like riding a bus. He said, you can ride this bus all the way to Skid Row or you might be able to get off right here in North Hollywood. So why don't you take this book? He gave me something called The Big Book. And he said, and he brought Candace home, and I put her to bed, and he said come over in the morning and have coffee with Rosemary and me. And I thanked him, and it was sitting there all alone in my home, in my apartment, and looking out and I remembered those 20 questions and I grabbed them and answered them. You know they They're very sneaky. They put these three statements after those, you know? If you answered one or more, you may be two, probably, three, definitely. And I quickly counted and I answered 17 of them, yes. Since then, I've answered them all. You know, we lie a little bit. And I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. I had just come from a place where it was the first time I felt as though, I don't know, there was an energy or something in that room. And it felt safe and it felt okay. And I didn't see all the things Doug saw. I just saw people laughing. I saw people sharing something that I never was, you know, proper. You don't ever show an emotion. I mean, it wasn't until later I realized that when Dave turned and said to me, go ahead and cry, that's the first thing in my life I was ever given permission to have a feeling. Other than, hi, I'm fine. Yes, how are you? dying inside but you know we tell everybody we're fine and that was the line that caught me that Sybil said she said her brother had said to her brother's name I guess was Texan said Sybil how are you doing and she said fine just fine she said of course I was dying inside and that's how I came in I was lying inside that's why I came here I was died inside I looked okay you know 35 years ago. So the outside looked all right, but the inside was kind of like one of those, you know, in the olden days they had those suits of armor on the knights and stuff, and if you picked up the visor and looked in, there would be this little person going, help, help! Help, help!" But I never let you see that. I never don't you see that at all? And I came in, and the next day, when I went up to see Rosemary, it's always funny to me. I love this woman. This woman gave me more things than, she gave me my life, is what she did. You know, Althea, they know how to 12-step people. Thank God they know How to 12 Step People. I never would have made it unless I was 12-stepped in these halls. And she said to me, how did you like your first meeting? And I said, well, you know, I think I'm alcoholic. And she said, yes, I've been waiting for you for a year and a half. Now come in here and sit down. She kind of switched my book. She said, come in, sit down, she said now, she says there's a meeting tonight and so be ready at 730. You're going to go to 90 meetings in 90 days. I said yeah. She said at the end of that we'll gladly refund you your misery. I thought that was interesting. And I said, okay. And she said, now are you on any drugs? And I said, I don't do drugs. She said, you're not on any Valium or Librium or something? I wouldn't have thought her daughter was looking in my medicine cabinet. Well, I told her, of course I'm on Valium. I said、you know, I have to take this. The doctor told me. And in those days, they gave you an open prescription. It was wonderful. And she said, no, honey, that's a dry drink. Well, I didn't like her very much. Right away, I had an opinion. But nobody else had been waiting for me for a year and a half. And I really didn't know how I was going to get away from her. so she turned to me and she said that's your ace in the hole don't let anybody tell you something if you're drunk I'll show you it isn't you know now I kept those around for quite a while and I'm here to tell you this is my story this is how I sobered up this is not how I recommend anybody today to sober up but when I came in I cold turkey valium and booze that was daily drinking of Valium and booze. So I was shaken, and rattling, and rolling. Really, really shaken. And they used to say, you sober up on the bricks, so to speak, and that's exactly what I did. I should have been in a hospital. I definitely should have had someone watching my kid. I don't know, whatever. But instead God gave me Rosemary and her husband, and Two other couples in that apartment building that were in Alcoholics Anonymous. You see, God knew. And God was taking care of my child even before I got into you. Do you realize that? A year and a half, her babysitter was you people. And thank you for that. Thank you forthat. She told me to be ready. I was ready. We went to these meetings. And out there, they're very up meetings. And she, as I said, was one of Clancy's sponsees. And great meetings. But God, they're scary. They're really scary. I mean, you know, you yell and you're supposed to get ready to go someplace and play baseball or something on Saturday. I kept hearing about that. And after a meeting, you run to a coffee shop. You're there until, I don't know, midnight. How did we ever do that? How did мы ever dothat? I mean, I think this is a very late meeting. I don't know about the rest of you, but some of us geriatrics should be having our meetings at 12 noon, not 8.30 at night, but anyhow. But out there they lasted until 10 o'clock or something. And so I'd be in these coffee shops and then when you finish coffee you shake hands with every single person. Now I am falling apart, absolutely falling apart. I am like crazy. I can't even focus. It was like I'm gone. I'm having sleep in. I'm feeling like I'm going to die any minute. They're pouring orange juice and honey in me. It was like I was mainlining that stuff just to stop this thing. And we go to some meeting. We've got about a week and a half in the program. We go to something in Santa Monica, and she turns to me and she says, You're reading tonight. And I went, Uh-uh. She said, You never say no to an AA request. And I goes, No. And she turned around. She wouldn't talk to me and kind of stormed off. Well, now I knew I was fired. I was kicked out. That was it. You know, I'm done for. And I remember there was a coffee break in that meeting and there was this little man that didn't get up to get coffee. And I Remember going over to him. I was petrified. And I said, can I speak with you? And he said, sure, sit down. So I told him what had happened. And he says, how long have you been sober? And I say, a week and a half. and he said, the only thing you have to worry about is not drinking and finding a meeting you're comfortable in. Never saw that angel again, but he saved this kid. He saved this kids. Some of you can do it, some of us can't. I was so crazy, I couldn't even tell you my name. I couldn' read one sentence. I was not able to do this. I was so self-centered and so selfish and so bankrupt in every area there was. There was no way that I could read. I hardly spoke for three years in the halls of Alcoholics Anonymous, but I'm telling you, I got wonderful AA out there. I sat at the feet of the greats as far as I'm concerned. There wasn't a time when either Clancy or Chuck Z wasn't talking, you know, and Johnny Harris, and, you now, it was wonderful. And one night in the coffee shop, maybe a couple of nights later, one of the gals who was probably knowing I was going to have a seizure at any moment said, gee, there's a little meeting in the West Valley. Why don't you come to it with me on Thursday night? And I ended up there with her and it was called the Canyon Group. And I walked in and there was probably about 28 people sitting in there. And I went, oh. It was like, you ever get in a meeting where you're probably your home group or something And you just go and you sit and you go, oh. You feel as though the family is there. And it was quiet. It was kind of fun. There was this man talking about this big book. And that was a good thing to know because the woman, Rosemary, the 12-step me, had told me, I was due back to the big family home reunion in 37 days that had been planned for a year. And I was going to be 37 days sober. And she told me I was gonna get drunk if I did not find a sponsor. And then she clarified. She said, you have to find a sponsor that's been into the big book and the 12 and 12 and has been sober for about seven years. I've never seen that written anywhere, have you? But she scared me a lot. She really did. And so she told me, every time I come home from meetings, she says, you got a sponsor? I say, no, not yet. And they had to be in the big books. I didn't even know what the bigbook was. You know, and how do you get a sponsor, do you interview? That wasn't told me a whole lot, you know, stuff. So anyways, I went to this meeting and this man was talking about the big book and I said, oh thank God, there's somebody that's talking about a big book. And so we... I went up to him afterwards and he said, do you have one of these books? And I said no. And he said well I'm going to tell you a little story. He said how I got mine. He said I came into the halls of Alcoholics Anonymous and when I did I came in to North Hollywood Radford which is not far from where I went. I went into that clubhouse for a long time. and he said, and I got a sponsor and in those days we called sponsors adversaries and he told me that I needed to get a big book and he says, I know you're a thief so I want to see the receipt and he got the book and he went home and he read it and there's a lot of loopholes he found in the big book so I guess he went back to Radford And he found Larry Blake and he said, Larry, I want to talk to you about the big book. And Larry said to him, I'm not talking to you about the Big Book until you can tell me what's on the first page of the Big Books Alcoholics Anonymous. So Hugh went home and he memorized, you know, we are 100 men and women who have recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body. And he kind of got that all down and he found Laurie and he quoted it back to him. And Laurie said, Nope, that's not on the first page. And so then Hugh went and did the contents, and that wasn't it. And finally one day, and this was over a period of about three months, and so he finally went home, and he opened the book, and on the front page of the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous, there's two words, and it's AlcoholicsAnonymous. And he looks and he goes, ha-ha, this is it. So this is not an original. This is just the first 164 pages of this book. You don't have one up here, do you? So, anyway, so he finds Larry over at the clubhouse and he goes, Alcoholics Anonymous. And Larry goes, what are you talking about? He says, you told me if I told you what was on the first page of the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous that we could talk about it. And he said, give me that book. He said, it's not AlcoholicsAnonymous. He says if you look at the first stage of the Big Book of Alcoholic Anonymous, there's nothing on it. There is absolutely nothing on the First Page of the Book of alcoholics Anonymus. It's taken you three months to figure that out? How long is it going to take you to figure out what the black lines say? So he sold me my first big book. And I was thrilled, and I came home from that meeting, and Rosemary said, have you got a sponsor? I said, I think I do. She said, has the person been in the program at all? I said oh yeah. Do they know what the big book is? oh yes, I bought it from him. She said good. And the next week I'm back out at the Canyon group and I walk in and sure enough he's there and I was so thrilled. And after the meeting I walked up to him and he says how are you doing this week? How's everything? He was real calm and he was real nice and I said well, I said I just, you know, I got the big book and thank you very much but now I need a sponsor and I'm wondering if you could sponsor me. And he kind of leaned over and he said well. He said you know. He says since I got married, my wife doesn't cotton to me sponsoring women. He said, but she's that redhead over there. She's got kind of a Mickey Mouse program, but perhaps she'll help you out. And I walked over to this woman who had some time and people have time and you have to wait. And pretty soon she turned and looked at me. She kind of looked down her nose and said, yes. And I said, I was wondering, could you sponsor me? And she said, did you just ask my husband to sponsor you? I said yes, I did. She said, what'd you do that for? So I told her this whole long story about Rosemary and I was going to get drunk and I had to go to Massachusetts and I mean, you know, I'm dying and I needed someone with the steps and something called a big book and she probably said well this one's just about ready for the funny farm so maybe we better help her out. She said, well, she said, okay she said be at my house next Tuesday with a bigbook and a 12 and 12 and she said we'll get you back to Massachusetts and when you come back she said if you look around you find a woman and you want what she has and willing to go to any length to get it and ask her to help you out. So I thanked her, and I arrived at her house, and she told me what to do with the first page that was blank. She said, on one side of that, you're going to write down little synopses of something that you see in the big book. If you see something that really strikes like you, and you know this is all about you, write the page number down and a little sentence about that. And she said, on the other side of the page, You're going to write down phone numbers. In those days, we didn't have cell phones or answering machines even, for crying out loud. So we really needed a lot of phone numbers, and she said, There'll come a day you'll call every single one of those phone numbers and you will not be able to find anybody home. She said, You better know where in that big book you found that line that meant something to you. She said now what I want you to do, she said is tell me your story. And so I told her about myself, and when I was all done, and she looked at me, and she says, Honey, one day you're going to tell that in the first person, not the third. And I had no idea what she was talking about. And I said, What do you mean? And she says You're talking to me about your life and what's happened to you, and you're talking as if it happened to somebody who lived two doors down from you that you don't even know. She says You have no feeling connected with anything that's happened. And I didn't. And she said One day, honey, you're gonna share those tears. and I thanked her and there was something about in her eyes have you ever seen some of these long timers when you just know that they can look right through you and they know exactly who you are and what's going on with you and as I was driving home I started to cry because I felt so safe with that woman so, so safe she told me I had to be in a book study in a 12 and 12 and I had do at least one of those once a week and there is no excuse in California There is absolutely no excuse. You can find any meeting you want at any time of day or night. It's really wonderful. It's wonderful. So, here I am, 35 years later. How do I tell you about this journey? How can anybody tell you About this journey?" I told you how I got here. I told You how people made me feel. Last night when Doug was talking, I was hearing about how he came to believe. You know, I read the big book all the time. I love it. It changes all the Time on me. But I've turned to reading it now in the eye. So I read things and I change everything to the eye instead of we. And it brings it a little deeper and deeper. When I started to find out for myself, I was reading Bill's story. And I think I'm just going to skip to this. First of all, I'll tell you that I stayed in California for five years. and I remember one day I was listening to the radio and they were saying smog alert, don't let your kid play or something. I thought, what am I doing here? By then I'd been out there for ten years and my daughter was ten when I came in so she was just about almost fifteen when we ended up moving back to New England and I ended up in Brunswick, Maine is where I moved to And I lived in Brunswick, Maine. I should tell you where I am today. I lived on the coast of New York City. I lived here in Brunswick, Maine, I still live in Brumswick Maine, but dreams do come true, they really do. I winter in Santa Fe. What a deal, what a deal. So last winter I spent in Santafe for the first time, I'm retired. Obviously you can count So you know how old my child is today. I was five years sober when we moved back to New England. And by then, I knew in my heart of souls that the one thing I wanted to do was to be the best mother in the world. Bigamy, by then she was 15. But I couldn't almost look at how I had been a mother to her those first ten years. I almost needed your love, and I'm grateful for how you people helped me raise her for those first five years until I realized that I didn't need to be in coffee shops with you people. I needed to be home, that there was some kind of a line in the big book that says a better demonstration of our principles has to do with our families and our work and others. And it didn't have to be that I was in a social thing here to be popular here. I came to Alcoholics Anonymous because I was dying of the disease of alcoholism. This is a place where I've learned how to live in the outside world. I am eternally grateful, and I spend a lot of time with AAs and alcoholics because you are my family, but I do have another family. And I was not good at carrying the principles and demonstrating those in my home. It took a while for me to really take a look at who I was as a person It's not easy. You know, once we admit we're alcoholic, that our lives have become unmanageable, then we come to believe that there's some power. How I came to believe was that I believed in the energy I felt in this room. I felt that. That was my first coming to believe. Doug really was good with it. There was something curious. He had to go back to that meeting, even though they were doing weird things and stuff. He had an energy that he went back to. And he came to belief that there might be something, And then finally it took him whatever long time to be able to ask God. And then all of a sudden things started miraculously to happen in his life. And that's exactly how it worked for me. I knew that there was a power because three years before I came into the halls, my daughter had some horrible thing happening to her. And it's a long story, but basically I saw her God zap. I saw Her get a healing. So I knew That there was A God, but I believed It was Her God. And She really deserved That. and so I knew that there was something going on but I didn't think it was for me and slowly as I continued to read the big book and so forth I started to see that what we're doing here is once we come to believe in a power greater than ourself that we can do business with a God that is there for us that we really believe I always use what's your God in your understanding? safety I need safety I was too broken inside I needed to have a feeling of safety that is what I need and that works for me and into the agnostics which the first time I read it I thought well that doesn't belong to me I know there's a God because I saw something happen and my sponsor said will then change the word to egotist and that was a good deal for me that really was to the egotists because I mean you know I knew everything I just knew everything back he used to segment it say do this and that well I was a quick teach too I knew where the black lines were. My home group was the Studio City Big Book meeting with Mike Ross, and I mean, you know, you can't get better than that, one of the greats. And I knew what the black line said and so forth, and so I'd go over to Hugh and Bev's house and I'd be upset and he'd say, you know maybe this and that, and I go yeah I know, I know. I know and finally he looked at me one day and he said you might know but you don't understand a thing. And I said what do you mean? And he said, not until you do this thing will you understand it. You might have had knowledge, but that knowledge, we can't, it says that. We can't go anywhere with the knowledge. And I used to think that's how it was going to work for me. If I only knew what those black lines said, it would be okay. But I'm telling you how I got this. I got these because of love. If I had not been loved, I could not have seen what the black lines say. And love meant it was a feeling. You know, I drank for a feeling. And when I came in here and I got a feeling where I felt safe, then I could progress a little bit. If I'm not feeling safe, you're not going to know anything about me. That's not goingto work for me. And I started to read Bill's story, and then it just said something to the effect, it's on page 13 and 14, you know, after menopause, I can't quote it anymore. But it's like, you now, it basically says that he, in his third step, he had a newfound friend. Okay? He had a newfound friend. And then it goes on to say that, you know, basically I think on page 14 it says, he turned all things in, all things into this newfound friends. And I remember when I was reading this stuff and kind of pondering about it, I said, because I'm a ponderer, and I said do I think of God as my friend? Do I have a friend as God? You know, they said God is your own understanding. and yes when I really looked at how I felt when I felt safe I knew you were my friend I knew I could talk with you and then I felt saved it's kind of like my first sponsor I used to say if you don't have a sponsor that you completely trust get one you can don't be trying to please her you know I know that I could say to Beverly because you know I wanted what she had and I was willing to go to any lengths to get it and she told me She'd be my temporary sponsor. And she was for 25 years until she died. I wanted what that woman had, and I was willing to go to any lengths to get it. And I looked at her and I thought, what do I want with this woman? She doesn't seem to like me at all. But you know what I wanted, what she had? She demonstrated the principles. She demonstrated the principles in all her affairs. The principles of honesty, of open-mindedness, of willingness, of integrity, of courage, brotherly love, justice, attunement, spirituality, service. This woman demonstrated that to me. And that's what this is about. It doesn't say we, you know, we have an awakening and then we do the steps. It says we practice the principles. The principles are what's behind the steps, and it took a long time for me to hear that. Now, I can't practice anything if I don't feel safe. I'm telling you, I'm a real good drunk. You know, when you get to that, it says, Bev used to say to me, your drinking is not a moral issue, but your recovery is. that says that on page 45 it says lack of power is our dilemma we have to find a power that we can do business with that means we're going to talk about things that are spiritual as well as moral it's right there in the book she just straightened it out for me this is a moral recovery if you continue should say things like um the road gets narrower and the horizon gets broader. What does that mean? I didn't even know what it meant. But I'm here to tell you that the things I did in one year of sobriety, when I got to five years of sobrietty, I would be drunk if I was doing what I was going at one year. I'm telling you. Because the road got narrower and the rising got broader. Things I was dealing at five years, if I were dealing them at ten years, I'd probably be drunk. And continue and continue and I'll tell you right now. If I was doing the things I was doing when I was 30 years sober, I'd be drunk today. Because the road has gotten narrower and the horizon's gotten broader. And I want to tell you, the things I was dealing with 30 years that I don't want to do, I don' t want to do any of those that I was dealin' with 5 years ago. Because you see, I have a new best friend. And it's God of an understanding that really loves me. He gives me things like trips here. You know, the second place I ever spoke, I never wanted to speak and stuff. And the second place I ever spoke was in a conference down in Texas. Those people are really something. And it was a conference for women, and it was women to women, and it Was Al-Anon Women and AA Women Together. And I had the privilege of sharing my room with a woman named Rusty Kelly who was a wonderful Al-Al-An on out of Colorado. And I was shaking, rattling, rolling like I was brand new. I said, oh, I can't do this. I don't want to do this. And she said, Johnny Harris told me that your phone won't ring unless God wants you to talk. Took it right out of my hands, folks. For some reason, God wanted me to talk, and that's kind of where I go with this stuff. What did I say when I got up here? I have no idea. God has to do it. I can't. But I had the privilege last June to be asked back to that same conference. It had been like 17 years since I'd spoken there. And I guess I was the second person that's ever been asked back, which was really thrilling. Now those women are amazing, just amazing. Do you think when I came into the halls of Alcoholics Anonymous I wanted to be around any women? Oof. Lord. But how am I going to learn to be a woman unless I'm around women? And I have learned to find out that it was me that I was afraid of, not you women. And I'm eternally grateful to you women And so I was in this hall, and, you know, they really clean up big down in Texas. Let me tell you, they got lots of bling. So while I was there, you now, they shop, and they're really lovely ladies. They shop and everything, and so I went shopping with a couple of them. And they're fun. They're just really fun. We in New England are very uptight, you kno. We're very proper. So anyhow, I'm walking around, and I said, why don't you try that on? I said okay. Do you like it? It's lovely, isn't it? I bought this with them. It's just lovely. I think it's fun. I had a good time with it. So I'm standing there waiting to go up to talk, and one of the gals, one ofthe committee members was standing there, and I says, you know, your bracelet would match my outfit. She said, really? I thinkit would. And she took it right off and she gave it to me. Now is that bling or is that fling? so in honor of some women that still have fun no matter what i wear this because i think that's what i came in and what my god really wants for me and as i have grown in this program and i have found a god that is the best friend it has been easier and easier for me to go to the third step to make that decision to turn my will and my lives over to the care of God. Now I'm going to just pause there, and Bonnie came with me, she's a galley sponsor. Her original sponsor was a special lady, her name was Ricky. She had about the same time I did, and we were always pondering things together. And one day she and I sat there and we said, why does it say in the third step we made a decision to return our will and our lives? Why doesn't it say our wills and our lies? I mean, you know, who cares, right? But we care. And we finally came up with this. I have one will. It's self-will run riot. Although I don't think so. But it is. I have had many lives in Alcoholics Anonymous. If I have not brought an aspect of a new life through the steps, I don' t have any spiritual awakening. if I have not worked the steps and brought my God on board in an area of my life then I'm going to revert to type and when I revert to type, I have survival skills that's what my defects of character are my survival skills that's the things that I use to block me from the sunlight of the spirit because I think the sunlight of the Spirit is busy with a wreck so I need to get in charge again because it's not working fast enough. So I'll revert to type in a second, in a second. So I need my God on board every single day. If I've never experienced something in recovery, I will use the old tools. I don't want to do that anymore because when I finally get to the fifth step, what does it tell me I'm doing the fifth step for? It tells me I am doing the first step so that I can have a change of attitude and to develop a new relationship with my best friend. That's why I'm doing this. I'm not doing it... You know, I used to say the third step prayer a lot and I'd say, leave me in the bondage of self so I can better get on with my will. I just didn't hear it. I just couldn't hear until you hear. And so if you really start looking at this thing, And this is all about this relationship with my best friend. So I better have a God that I can do business with and one that's safe. So I ask you, when you're talking to your best, your God, is your God your best friend? I have a best friend, in fact we co-sponsor each other today. We've known each other since we were six years old. She's great, God there isn't a secret at all that we have. She's just a great, great gal. but she can't be there sometimes you know she's married and god she's taking a vacation on ride beach she won't even answer her cell phone this week it's really terrible but you see i got a best friend and that best friend can be there when my sponsor can't pay them and when i started to do these inventories and i started take a look at them and i start to see the exact nature of my wrongs and how I cut that sunlight of that spirit, that energy from my best friend off. When I get to my eighth step, top of my eighth step is my best friends name. Because I found in the book where it said what time is it? Am I going over? Somebody wave at me if I am. I have a certain amount of time. I'll just wave back. meditation I just I love having coffee with God do you have coffee with your best friend if I really want to get to know Nancy we'd get together and we'd have coffee and we'll chat and that's kind of how I do my God thing I say good morning how are you I mean if it wasn't for God Bonnie and I would be lost down here let me tell you it's been really fun to see what God's been doing And GPSs are wonderful, by the way. They really are. This best friend, this God of my understanding, is so important to me because every day I have been given a different gift. And I want to tell you about my... I guess I really am probably going to close. I think I'm going to tellyou about why I love meditating and stuff. I finally use I in there all the time. I finally saw, after about six months of reading those, page 86, 87, and 88, I finally sawe where it said, God disciplines us in this simple way. Now, I wasn't raised with any religion, so I'm not hung up on stuff, but I thought, God disciplines us? My best friend would discipline me? What does that mean? And he said, disciplines us by what he just outlined. And I went back and I looked at page 86 to 87 and 88 And I saw where it said, the discipline is to remember to ask. Eight times it says we ask God. Eight times. Now, I don't know about you, but I did everything backwards. I went and did it, and then I asked God. How do I get out of it? I never asked before. I've done everything backwards。 as I said I came in I was a mother a single mother I was single until for 20 years I was married again to a wonderful guy an alcoholic synonymous he was my best friend I should have remained that way and you can divorce with dignity an alcoholic synonymous you really can we're still good really good friends a great guy Meanwhile, my daughter grew up She's a wonderful kid She's really tops But sometimes kids get angry at you And she had all the right in the world I'd done enough inventories to know That she had every right in her life She had all right in world To blame me for every single thing There wasn't a reason that she shouldn't Now that hurt terribly It hurt terribly And about five, six years ago my aunt died who was like the matriarch of the family and my mother was living with me and she died three years ago and my daughter has worked for the military for a lot of years her first husband was one of us and after ten years in this program he chose to go out to drink and she chose to divorce him and he's back with us and I'm grateful for that He's a great, great guy. After 25 years in this program, her father, who's a member of the program in California, chose to drink. He didn't choose to. He drank. And, you know, he's back with us. Thank you, God, for that. But I will never forget the day that I got the call about her dad being out and her saying to me, Mama. Now, she's a little bit older. When you hear Mama, that means something. It was on the answering machine. And she says, Mama, please call me. She was hysterical. And I went to pick up the phone and the next one was the voice that I had heard many years ago. And you never forget the drunk. And what you've gone through if you're a battered woman, you just never forget that. It's like PTSD or something. And I heard that voice. And I said, Oh my God. And I called her up and I said hi honey. And she said, Mama. Mama. She said first Bill and he's drunk. and now dad after 25 years and she said are you going to drink I said I don't know sweetheart I said I just got a day at a time here I'm going to do the best I can not to do that and then we have this horrible thing going on about 6 years ago with my mom and my aunt and I have a sibling who belongs here too who is not a fun type of drunk either and And she's doing a lot of things that was not appropriate really, but they were being done. And I had a lot pain going on in my life and I actually kind of fell through my life. I was like 28 years sober until I was about 31 years sober. I used to think, I'm not the poster child for Alcoholics Anonymous, let me tell you, because I don't grow gracefully. I just don't go gracefully, I wish I did. But I had all of survival skills going and they weren't working and I couldn't do anything about it. and i was being accused of a lot of things i wasn't doing and my pride was in the way my ego was in a way it was awful and uh i remember one morning i woke up and i thought oh my god i'm looking for relief and i remember calling my sponsor and saying tell me what to do and she says this is what you're going to do and i follow direction that's one thing that i have learned in here i follow directions and i'm with people and i put myself in protective custody I put myself with the ones that will work in this program that we can walk shoulder to shoulder and escape to disaster together. I'm not ahead of you, I'm nicht behind you, I'm just walking beside you and there are certain trials and low spots that can come in these halls no matter how long you're sober and by God, you better be with the people who know how to do this program so they can walk beside you. They'll all say, oh, I am someone, who cares? I don't give a darn. I knew I was dying and almost going out again And it might have been my daughter then calling her father and her former husband to talk about. I didn't know, but I knew that I needed this program. And during that time, my daughter was really frightened, and she stayed away from me. She lives in another country, so that's very easy to do. And she remarried. She went to the war college. She's not in the military, but she's so bright. They educate her. And so she went to The War College. She's got another degree or a third master's degree. They're brilliant. So people would say, what is she doing? I said, I don't know. I think she runs the world now. But that's it. Anyhow, all I know is that she, I went to visit her right about this time and she told me, Mom, I can't be with you. That's a hard thing to hear. You know that? I mean, she's the only one I have. My mother was gone. My aunt. It was terrible. I had a horrible time feeling it. She said, The only time we can get together if we're going to do something an event or I'm going to have somebody with me that's the pain that you demonstrate when you're not when you don't have any principles on board and it hurt it really hurt me deeply and I did not blame her I did no blame her and so one more time I picked up the pen and the pencil and I made a mistake and I really got to me in the exact nature I've done many many it's only a beginning these steps but I finally found the morals and where I had gone against them, and I started to act differently. And over the last three years, I have just done the drill. I keep it on my side of the street. I have been gifted to get the promises behind the 10th step. Don't miss them. They are the best. They place you in a neutrality. You're not trying to do anything. You're just really safe with this power, and i received those. And about a month ago, I got a call from my daughter, and she said, I'm going to be in the States, andI really want to come to see you. and I said great come on and she came and that was amazing I mean there wasn't anybody with her I mean you know what's that all about and I know I want my daughter in my life but I had come to a place where I didn't need her in my Life and she stopped beside me and she said mom I came from Japan she lives in Japan she said I came from Japan to tell you something she said didn't want to tell your with the phone and I okay and she's said mom um I'm a little nervous I said that's all right, huh? You can go ahead. She said, I have eight months of sobriety. I sat and I said, congratulations, sweetheart. I said you want to tell me about it? She told me a couple of things. I'm not going to tell her story. I want to tell you my reaction. She told one thing that I had told her about her husband when he went out about the progression and if he's alcoholic it will get worse and she better know when he's gone over the line she said well I realized I'd gone over the line just I also realized another thing mom you taught me what bad a is and what good a is and she said I'm eternally grateful for that she's I have a sponsor with 25 years of recovery she said the only two meetings in Yokosuka Japan are a big book meeting and a 12 and 12 she says I'm on the seventh step she's downloading every tape there is she's got them off the thing she she picked up every book there was and when she left she emailed me to thank me and tell me how proud she was of me and how much she appreciated how much he loved me that's my gift i waited 35 years for that and i'm telling you i used to stand up and say she wasn't able to have children so i couldn't be the best grandmother i said one day i'm going to be the the best mother she's ever had, and by God I will. I want to close with a line that I always close with. It's on page 68. Just to the extent that you humbly rely upon God and do as you think God would have you do, will he enable you to match calamity with serenity? Thank you and God bless.