The Facade of the Good Guy Who Corrodes Within – Chaim

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Thy will, thy will be done. Okay, my name is Chaim, I'm a Grateful Recovering Sexaholic. I'm really grateful to be here. We are up to step five. Admit it to God, to ourselves, and another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. In Essay, we hear a lot about this concept and this idea of admitting our flaws. For me, in early recovery, and it comes up very much today as well, it's not so comfortable to admit our flaws, like who wishes to admit out flaws? And let's get honest. Let's get, like, really honest. It sucks picking up a telephone and telling somebody on the phone that I just yelled at my wife. Or I was just very obnoxious. Or I did something wrong with my kid. Or I really, like laid it into a guy at work. Or just I'm feeling crappy. I just don't feel good. You know, the world that I live in is such an outer world of I need to give off to you based on the clothing I wear, the face I make, the look I give, the shoes I wear. The way I literally brush my hair or my beard. That life is good by me. Or the lack of hair, I should say. In the back, the hair in the back. Like, literally, like, I need to give off to you an impression that life is good. And not only do I need a gift, but I need it. I need you to give up that impression. But I felt for years that I need To give off an impression of, like... And it's not so good for you? Is there anything I could do to help? And in meanwhile, I'm corroding within. And that was my life. I could be in a porn shop literally helping some of my students out, talking to them about the problems of masturbation and the issues of watching porn while I'm in a pawn shop. Who cares to admit my flaws? It is the most humiliating thing. That's what I feel like everybody... I thought the world told me the one thing you don't do is tell other people your weaknesses. You come to a program and they say, share with your weakness. I truly believe that one of the reasons we go around the room and we open the meetings with everybody saying their MOs is to really just show everybody that we're all just the exact same and this is why I'm here. I'm like you and you're like me. You watch porn, I watch porn. You masturbate, I masturbate. Look, here's the flavor of the addiction, but we're all just one. We're all so the same. The moment we step out of here is that feeling. If you're like me, I'm like, oh boy, okay. How do I show you that I'm making money when I'm not? You're like, so how do we do this exactly? Like, how do I Show you that i'm really living the good life? Like, How do i pretend that my family's all intact? How do I cover up and paint the picture over the garbage that is going on inside of me? And there is nobody in the world that needs to paint a picture of the garbagethat is goingon inside of them to cover up the corrosion and the deficit than us sexaholics. No one. No one you know how much work I needed to do for myself to cover up and make believe life is good when I'm in an adult bookstore or I'm at a strip club as a Jewish kid with a wife and children at home and my wife's calling me. You know how many lies I need to do? You know what? You know, how much deceiving I needed to do you know which I needed to show the world that I am really a good guy when the only person that knows that I'm really not as good as I pretend to be is me. If you were like me, I did not like what I saw in the mirror. I absolutely hated what I see and what I say on the mirror on a daily basis. And the only thing I was able to do to get rid of what was really going on inside of me is make sure the outer me, the exterior me is so perfect and intact that actually you believe it to the point that I stop believing it. To the point that I need to fool myself into a belief system that really things are going well. I know I had this experience in my 13 years of being in program, guys who leave program, I meet them occasionally here and there. For them to admit that life sucks is so difficult. It's so painful to just finally say you know something I don't got this in order. Step five is the opportunity to finally come clean with somebody in this program and say you know something I really don't got my shit together. Life really is not working out even if I'm making loads of money. life is really not working out you know why because between me and myself i can't exist between me or myself it's just not working out could i for once and for all tell you what's been going on by me and could you please help me that's step five step five is we we finally take off the coat And we like, we just get like honest. With who? Like it says, we admit it to God. We admit it ourselves and we admit it to another person. There's no faking it anymore. It's not I'm going to play the game, I'm gonna admit it to one guy and to the other guy I'm gunna show that life is good. It's no anymore I'm gunga tell God you know those moments of clarity when we're either praying or on our knees or we just got our butt kicked and we're just God I'm willing help, help, I can't take it anymore and then two minutes later we walk around like life is great. We're driving the pimp car or we're living the good life, we're going out to eat, we're blowing around, life is good. For once and for all I look in the mirror and tell myself the ultimate truth. The ultimate truth is if I continue down this path life is just going to get worse and worse and worst. That's the beauty of step five. The beauty for me of step four was for once I was able to sit down with my sponsor and show them the ugly. I don't have to tell them about who my last name is and what I come from, and I don' t have to put on this facade. I could tell them, you know something? It hasn' t been working out that great. It really just hasn' T. And I can admit to myself what I don''t want to admit. And one of the hardest things to admit in this program, more than anything, at least for me, is that guy got his shit together and I don't. I've sat in these meetings myself personally guilty of looking at the people that I want what they have and instead of asking them for it, I shame them. I belittle them in my head. I belittle them to others. I knock them. Instead of coming over and simply just saying, could you help? instead of being humble and saying, let me just listen to the guy. Let me listen to where he came from. Let me understand his problem. Let me get to his solution. He could not stop masturbating. I can't stop masturbation. He hasn't masturbated in two years, three years, five years, 10 years, 15, 20. How is he doing that? He's the biggest flirt, this guy. He's flirted with anything that walks, and he doesn't do it anymore. How do I do that? By walking around and showing everybody in Prague That I got my stuff in order Sexually sober for X amount of time Doing very good My wife and children, yeah So what do you do for a living? When inwardly Even if I'm sexually sober Quote unquote My life sucks I cannot stop flirting I cannot start looking at nudity I cannot stopped going on to YouTube I cannot stops lusting after the neighbor I cannot stop picking up the phone and calling my cousins who's a girl. I cannot stopping and not stopping it and you could So I have to knock you and shame you and belittle you because you figured out how to do it This is the one time in program where we could finally go over to somebody and say hey, buddy I'm broke and I've been broke for years and I have tried it my way in every which way shape or form And they tell me you've been broken also and I feel listening to you and you know something? It sounds like you've got a few bucks in your pocket. How do you get it? Can you just tell me what to do? How lucky we are that we're part of such a fellowship. Saul talks about this all the time. Old timers talk about this all the same. All the time, how lucky we are we're in a room with 20, 30, 50 doctors that figured out how to solve the problem that I'm struggling with today. I had such a beautiful experience after the last meeting, Tuesday. One of our fellows came over to me and said, so you heard my share at the meeting. I'm struggling with the fact that I don't feel connected to the whole program. You know how many guys left program because they have that feeling and they don't admit it? You know How many guys come to meetings daily, daily? These are the guys that come every single day and every single thing they do, every single date they don t feel a part of the program and eventually they'd just do it a little way. But thank God, one of the guys in the program without mentioning his name comes over to me and says, I just don't feel part of this program and this fellowship. And I come and I come and I'm like, and I've been doing this for a long time and I know that's not and I can't. Now if he held that piece of information long enough, how long could you come through a program that you don't feel part of? And thank God I was able to give him the gift that was given to me because there There was times I didn't feel part of this program. And there's times, even though I'm around for 13 years, I still don't feel a part of the program. And I was able to tell him that your brain is going to forever trick you. And if the end result of that trick says, and therefore go act out, you know the trick is a lie. So this time your brain has tricked you into saying you don't want to be part of it. You don't need to feel part in this program! You know what you get to do? You get to go on YouTube and watch some Michael Jordan which ends up leading you to Master Basin somehow. after another 20 clicks. Or you end up listening to your favorite singer, which ends up leading you to a porn site. You know why? Because to that porn person, I feel very connected. She loves me to pieces. Program, they don't like me. They don't care about me. They don' t give me validation. But if he wasn' t willing to be open and honest with that, he' s had a problem. If I' m not willing to being open and honest with you that my the strongest thing that I' M struggling with and having a hardest time even though i'm 13 years in program is shame i don't know why so much shame is coming up for me lately shame just shame not shame that i'm sexaholic but shame of my flaws shame of of my lack of accomplishments shame of you don't get me if you had my weaknesses and my struggles and my deficiencies, you would feel like I do. But if I don't share that and I hold that, even though I'm walking around program and I'm sober for 12 years, 9 months and I walk around program but I'm carrying this piece of shame inside of me and I don' t want to tell it to you, of course I'm not going to feel connected to you. I'm actually not. You didn't tell me that you're struggling with resentments or fears and I'm not telling you I'm struggling with with what? With shame. So I'm now I'm telling you my truth you're not telling me your truth and then you wonder why we're not connected in the meeting. What about actions of lust? One of the hardest things is to bring up in a meeting and come in and say you know something I looked at nudity yesterday now that I took an action of lust because that means nothing. Took an action of lust is basically like, you know the guy when you meet him in wherever you meet Him and say, do you want to do some business together? And the guy goes, yeah, yeah. Call me. You know nothing is ever coming out of that. The guy asks you how you're doing and you say, good, good. And you, good good good. Thank God. Thank God, thank God, thanks God. You know there's no connection. this is the one place the one time in our life where we so badly wanted to connect we're such sensitive people all of us we have such big hearts we so barely want to get to know each other and yet I'm going to sit here and put up this facade of 12 and a half years sober you're going to put up the facade of 2 and a halve years sober I'm not going to tell you my truth, you don't tell me your truth We come around, and then we say program doesn't work. To be able to take, when that happens, an action of lust, it's inevitable that it's going to happen to everybody. It just is the fact of life. Unless you're not part of sexaholics. If you're part of overeaters, you might one day overeat. But my experience is everybody gets, I don't know if it's unfortunately. Today I found that taking actions of lust sometimes is a fortunate event of God tapping me on the shoulder and saying, buddy, wake up before your ass gets kicked in like really bad. When I get tapped on the shoulders and get a beer hug from God because I took that action of lust that I shouldn't have taken and I get an opportunity to come in here and not take an action of loss and I'm not sure what's wrong with my thoughts and I don't know what to do about my wife but rather come in there and say, I looked at nudity. Is that shaming myself? That's what I've done. I checked out this girl in the coffee shop and I couldn't stop thinking I just want to have sex with her. And then when I saw who her husband is, I would have never made that partnership together. I was supposed to marry her. I want to kill the bastard. And I tell you the truth. I'm able to then hear from you doctors, this is the medication to take for such a problem. But when you're shying away and not telling me the truth, how am I supposed to help you? when I'm shying away and I'm not willing to tell you my truth how are you supposed to help me? This is a program about getting a little bit uncomfortable in order to get comfortable. You know the guys in meetings that share like so brutally honest that you sit there like oh God it's so don't say that. That's how we get healing by the way. You want to hear my facade? You wantto hear my thank God? I could tell you all day thank God. Life is great. How's life by you? It's doing good, yeah? Great, great. If it's doing that good, why are you struggling with lust for the past who knows how long? If it is doing that well, let's be rigorously honest. Are you willing to sit down with your wife and ask your wife, how am I really doing? Would your children testify that you're doing great at home? This is the time when, even though I'm sober for whoever the guy is, sober for three years, five years in program, but his marriage or his children's life suck where we could get help for it and not pay somebody $250 weekly to try to get 40 minutes of help. This is the program where all the AAs say what the big book has given me a million dollars and all the rehabs and therapy hasn't given me. This is their program. It did it for me. It doesn't mean therapy is not important. It doesn'T mean going to the rehab is not an option. I needed to do all. I'm still in therapy. After 10 years sober, I went back to deal with some key core issues that I couldn't figure out here. Of course there's a room and place for everything. That's not what I'm saying. But what I am saying is you don't have to do your fourth step with a therapist and over the course of the next three years pay him or her $100,000. Guy's willing to do it for you for free over here. Who by the way recently has gone through the fourth step. Who has experience of having found God. doesn't have to suffer with resentments and fears and the harms that he did or his sex conduct. And he's willing and ready to help you. That's this program. This program is where we get to come and shield from our weakness. That's why this program is so attractive. That's what we do. That's how we all, let's be honest, struggle with our religion. and with our society that we live in. Because everybody's putting up a facade. So when it comes the holiday, or it becomes a winter vacation, and everybody's like, so where are you going for vacation? Oh, you're staying home. You're staying at home. No, it's not bad. I go away. My wife wants me to go away, and I really don't want to go. And then everybody that's away is on the phone about... I ended up here. I wasn't supposed to be. I was supposed to really go over there. Ended up here, but it didn't work out after the flight, so we ended up coming here. And everybody's constantly just showing why they're one step ahead. We hate it with a passion. We drive, a lot of us, the cars that we drive because we're so uncomfortable with ourselves and we need to fit in to a certain society. We wear the clothing we wear is for the same reason. We talk that a certain way with certain people in order to give over an impression that don't think I'm not successful. You know the pain of a guy who's a pauper and pretending his whole life that he's rich? You know that pain? That agony? Feeling different? Me personally, I lived in a very poor neighborhood my whole life. I was considered like the richest kid on the block. Two months a year I went to this very, very fancy, very high-fluent scale of very wealthy people for two months a year. And I felt like the absolute mice poor guy. That's my life story. They both sucked. I just want to be like you. I want you to be with me. I want to feel like me. We kill each other in program. Chaim doesn't get me. David doesn't gets me. Joe doesn't got me. This guy doesn't go me. Nobody gets me You know who gets me? That babe on the screen. Wow, she gets me. That girl in the coffee shop. Ooh, she get's me. As opposed to coming to a fellowship where we all get each other. We're all here because life didn't work out. And we found a solution to our problems of life and it's called masturbation, porn, fantasy, and lust. we found a solution to life's problems and then I come here and the only thing I talk about is God and meditation and spiritual awakenings and how life is so good that when I take the action I just push it under the carpet and wonder why life is sucking and sucking and then what ends up happening and I'm guilty of this is I end up bringing the outside world into program. And I just stop putting on that same facade that I put on in the outside world, I put it on here. And it ends up coming about after the meetings, an attitude of sitting around and bullying around of business and work and family breaking traditions after tradition after tradition as opposed to, can we get honest? I'm dying. Help me. Help me I don't want that. I could be in the coffee room I could go to synagogue afterwards and bull around with the guys for the same price I could talk business there. What do I have to do it here for? Yes, I'm sober but this program is not working. My wife hates my guts. What Do I Do? Help me We could actually get a solution for that here my children's lives are not working out well what do i do we're so lucky we can tap into experiences of everything as opposed to just let's talk and then bull around and joke around my sponsor called me out on this so many times and i had to admit yeah i'm guilty of it i would rather go to the guy who i'm most friendly with and just sit down and joke about it around with him instead of talk about recovery sports hell yeah i'd rather talk to you about that than anything else. It's another form of prostitution. Let's not talk about what's really going on inside of Chayim. The beauty, the beauty of step five is this. We finally, finally commit to ourselves which is the key thing because I hid from me my entire life. I hid from me my entire life and finally I could stop the hiding. It's not about picking up our hands and celebrating and saying I'm sober for X amount of time and now I get to numb out everything else in my life that's not working out. And when you get to be sober for a few years there's nothing like it. You just got to name your sobriety date and now life works out. And even getting honest about the victories and the gifts of life. I don't want to tell you about that either because then now it starts the whole game of, now you're judging me. And I went through this in program for such a long time. When I share with you my weaknesses, I feel you don't get me and I feel like a failure. And when I share avec you my strengths, I feel lke you knock me, oh there he goes again. What all his victory speeches and all his miracles of the program, miracles oh you have more miracles you want to share miracles let me about your miracles a program so basically you're teaching me with the rest of the world just lie but the big book says the only people that could get sober are those people that can be rigorously honest and if you can't be rigoriously honest you can get sober you can stay sober so even after nine and a half years of sobriety i needed to look at myself in in the mirror and realize and be humble to my wife and recognize that one of my children is going through a very difficult time, and if she feels we should go for therapy, we should do it. And if the therapist tells me that it's my issue that I'm giving over to my children, then it's for me to get another instead of knocking myself another gratitude of staying humble and being honest and get to call my sponsor and call you guys and you give me honest feedback. I had a phone call two days ago from a guy in program. He was in program for a bunch of months. He gets onto the phone, and this is the conversation, literally. Chaim, I hate my wife with a passion. It's like, okay, you're in the right place. I literally want to punch her. She's out having a party with her friends. I want to punish her when she gets home. I hate her with a passionate. I said, okay. Got the problem. What's the solution? the guy said to me on the phone he goes, whoa you didn't invalidate me whoa, that was aggressive now I know why people don't want to call you oh, you want to stay in the prom for another three days? Oh, how do you want to punch her? You want to talk about the punch? I did that my whole life sucking out of you validation for why I'm in pain and I married the wrong girl and you, the world told me that I'm right because I was traumatized and I was abused and I belittled and I ashamed and I hurt and I left back and I never was a part of even though I had 100 friends all the time and I wasn't a popular guy but this is how I felt and you all told me poor little Chaim which taught me that I could act out and I could masturbate and I'm allowed to watch porn and I am allowed to treat my wife like a piece of crap with the whole facade that we have a beautiful marriage and everything is great and give her shame So now we're supposed to do the same thing in program? I told a guy innocently, I said, hey, how about praying for your wife and just write a gratitude list. She stayed with you after cheating on her? Why? Would you stay with her? That's how program works. Program works, and I'll finish off with this. not only do I get to give you my truth I get the truth I get open myself up for the truth back so help me so guide me so teach me I'll never forget this reading in page 97 in the white book he says making the wrongs right step 4 through 10 the toughest act in town sadly Many men and women with years of physical sobriety on the 12-step program never make the breakthrough into the heart of the program and true recovery. Many people with yearsof sobriete never makethe breakthrough in this program. The biggest obstacle seems to be steps 4 through 10, the core substance of this program . It is these steps that seem to be the least realized in our actual experience. When first exposed to these steps, many of us balk. The process of righting wrongs is foreign to us. It seems light years away in another dimension. We can't connect with it. We either dismiss it out of hand or say to ourselves, I'm doing fine just like I am. I'm going okay. Stop getting so serious about it. Relax. People are staying sober. It's working. Take it easy. Take it easily. Everything is okay. Blindness and denial. It is as though we will go to any lengths to avoid doing what is required for our own healing. We're willing to go to anything lengths in this program to avoid our healing. I'm willing to lie, I'm wiling to deny, I am willing to do whatever it takes not to get well in this program when some members see that such persons are captive to externals rather than to having had an awakening to life exactly what we're talking about I'll cover it up with me with money with finances with business with problems with anything all externals instead of having a spiritual awakening to life if sobriety is all there is i want no part of it there are few things so pitiful as an aborted spiritual life the amazing thing is that we can give the appearance of life even though we are dead exactly what we're talking about we could give the appearance to everybody in this program the life is good we're doing well when inside ourselves in our root and in our heart and soul we're really not doing well and then when it ends up happening i've seen this numerous times and shall testify to this stay sober six months you stay sober a year you stay with over two five and then you relapse and go back out there or you stay a dry drunk which basically means you're lustful half of the time you're basically acting out you just never actually masturbated you're not telling people the truth you're saying it half baked you're willing to listen to the solution but only from certain people at certain times you create your own program with your own insights with your ideas and in meanwhile you have this whole fluff going on inside and life doesn't work out and then we blame the program for it in my experience what i had to find is the greatest gift this program has given me is chayim shut your brain off and just follow direction from the person that works it sounds foolish if i have a heart problem to walk into the specialist on heart surgery and tell them how to perform the heart surgery i got what you want to do i got it but we're not going to do it exactly that way i'm going to tell you how we're going to manipulate i found a different doctor that holds different than you we're going to do it a little different it sounds foolish to humble myself to somebody else in this program and take direction to listen to the feedback this is the step where i could get honest and real with somebody and hold back nothing and i've experienced working with tons and tons of sponsors and myself more important than anything else is that spiritual awakening and the big book talks about if you go through this you have the feeling of literally walking hand in hand with God because you don't have to fake it anymore I can tell you my truth I can telling you me and finally finally you're willing to love me not for the facade that I give over to you but you actually love Chaim me and the most beautiful thing is is even if I feel that you don' t love me I get to start loving me. That gift of starting to love yourself and being happy with yourself, independent of other people, is something you really want to get out of this program. The only way to get that out of his program is by simply giving over the inventory and saying, this is how I work and operate. Help me work a different way. I'm not here to show you how to work the same way. help me work a different way so I get comfortable with myself. Okay, thank you for letting me share. Appreciate it. Okay, let's open up the floor for questions. Two questions on what you were discussing. Number one, obviously, maybe not obviously, you're going out into the world and not walking around if everybody, no matter who you're saying, no matter how long you're here, the odd things that you struggle with, the odd different things that are bothering you. When there's nobody on the other side of the table dealing with some new business, dealing with somebody who has his living that life, how do you live your life back to him with honesty? So if I'm understanding your question, the question is how in the regular world do we get honest and vulnerable and true and real? Not in a 12-step program. how do we how do deal with that correct is that the question yeah that's should i say the same and there's another question so for the first question what i'm trying to emphasize over here is the honesty has to happen here if you want it to grow feet if we could call it and we want the tree to blossom its main main main um what was it called the tree trunk of the tree needs to be grounded and rooted and then it could sprout forth i found in my experience a much more liked and appreciated and looked up to in a sense by the world ever since i had a spiritual awakening here people just see me in a different light i'm not anymore that arrogant has to go my way stuck up self-centered the conversation around the table needs to be about me i need to talk about myself it's much more it's Much More Attractive and i'll say one last point the emphasis is not anymore on the rest of the world I really don't care about the rest of the world in the sense of it's not my emphasis in life is to become a status and people and becoming big my emphasis in the world is to be there for Chaim be there for my wife, to be there for my children and to nurture them and to give them as much as humanly possible so that when they go out into the world they feel much safer than I felt as a child so that's where this ultimate truth and ultimate appreciation and ultimate giving over and that's what I put all my emphasis in and that is what I want to talk about in steps 6 and 7 is the wife and children raising being there for the wife and children And for myself, my character defects don't allow me to do that. I really don't care about the meetings and the Apollo meetings and the get-togethers and this guy's status and this money and this is the next richest guy in there. It's almost like... It's just so nothing to it. And I've experienced, and we've spoken about it Once we were speaking to Doe, we had a popular guy who I've lusted after his money and his everything. The guy can't go down the ski without drinking. He had to leave the ski course to go drink in his hotel room. And we know this about everybody. We know every celebrity and every appellate. Going after the worldly things is a dead life. I just don't want that anymore. I lived that life. It sucked. The next question is, you mentioned about sitting around schmoozing or something like that. This element of fellowship, how does that, what's the balance? Great question, great question, so the question is I mentioned that after a meeting sitting around, bullying around, joking around, so what's the balance between healthy like bullying around and joking around and the balance working the program after the program. We call it the meeting after the meeting there's no right answer to that it really isn't how many meetings am I supposed to go to I don't know how bad is your cancer how much bullying around should I do I don' know how much recovery do you want there is an aspect of it but in early recovery I needed to be like really like like set forth and it's nothing wrong with the bullying around and it should happened there needs to be a friendly coffee atmosphere going out after the meeting and meeting up with guys going bowling having a great time but is the sole purpose to go out with the guys to numb out the pain of life or while i'm enjoying myself bowling i could tap the guy in the shoulder and say i'm struggling with my marriage help me what do i talk to a program i don't know what to do it's not working my way with the fun the fun is an element of life and we're supposed to enjoy but that shouldn't be the objective yeah um so i have a question i don' really know how to word it but um Is there a point in the program, or my sobriety, that I can start focusing a little bit on the positive side of me? Like, we focus a lot on an essay about, you know, we're really selfish and we can't reach ourselves, and we have a fucked up brain, and they're really, really sick. You know, kind of like this thing where, like, you treat someone like a victim all their life, they're never going to get out of it. Love the question. At a certain point. Love it. Love it, love it. Love the questions. I want to repeat the question, too. the question is is it sounds almost like like we're knocking ourselves over the head or two by four it's like step one you're a crazy guy step two you're crazy guys step three everything is about you being nuts and nuts and not to not we just like enjoy life a little bit like i'm a positive guy got a lot of good going on inside of me and like let's live i think program gives you that gift program gives me the gift that when i clear away the garbage everything else just shines but if i sit there and write myself gratitude to us and give myself affirmation i know therapists and psychiatrists and doctors all believe in affirmations and affirmations in affirmation's i could tell myself chaim you are the greatest guy in the world you are the greatest guy in this world you are a worthy guy you are a true guy you were an honest guy and i could give myself all those affirmations we could talk about it in a circle if i just finished watching porn those affirmation are going to to do shit for me if i just finished a lust binge if i just lied to my wife if i just wasn't there for my kids quiet because i picked going to a wedding and hanging out with the guys over being at home with my children i can't give myself all the affirmations in the world they're not going to do anything and i could talk about what type of great guy i am it's not going gonna do anything automatically by clearing away the garbage the the good inside of me and the good insider you will shine we're scared to clear away the garbage we just want like an easier path of just tell me i'm a good guy just tell him i'm good just tell everything is good just told me my i'm i'm good the answer is you are like harvey tells me a million times god doesn't give a crap if you masturbate or not if he did you should be dead many times over if he really gave us such a about it for the amount of acting out that i did and he wanted to take you know take it out on me i shouldn't be around i don't care of course he believes in me he woke me up today in the morning he loves me to pieces otherwise he wouldn't put me in this world what does he need me here for i am a great guy i have found in my experience that's not what's keeping me sober what's keep me sober is writing a list of character defects is writing a list that the people of harm is writing the list of my resentments and getting rid of it you know kind of great guy comes out of me when i don t have resentments that i don and I have my character defects blooming and I could just be an attitude of giving to the rest of the world, I automatically feel good about myself when I'm not resenting. When I'm no longer When I am not fearing. I just love myself to pieces. When I m not shaming myself. So a guy, he's having a great week and teacher I have a friend who masturbates and he's spiritual, he is connected and then one day it seemed as the flu and he goes great question this is very relevant so we're doing well with spiritually fit will work in the program and the day comes and boom the guy watches nudity He's flirting. He WhatsApps somebody he shouldn't be. He's doing the things that he shouldn'T do. So what is the approach? So Roy K. said the approach to this in Recovery Continues, he wrote a book called Recovery Continued, is thank you, God, for the reminder that I am a sexaholic. What more work do you want me to do on myself? Pick up the phone. No shame. No blame. No nothing. Sponsor, this is what I did. what do I do you dug the hole Chaim yourself that's why you just watched nudity or porn or lusted or did whatever don't try to get yourself out of the hole you're in the hole you can't get out sponsor what do i do let him make that decision let him decide did it come from somewhere maybe my sponsor for me and in my experience my sponsor would tell me things like I don't see you after the meeting being there for the newcomer anymore I see you being there just a bullet around enjoying life what does that have to do with my action that i just took okay so don't listen to him try it your way there's been times that my sponsor would throw out of me say how many sponsors do you have have you prayed where's your level of spirituality it's my job to listen to the doctor my throat hurts doctor oh it's strep and you need to take this medicine and did it uh when i took tylenol felt better doctor should i just take tylenole you could or you could listen to somebody who's been in medical school and helped hundreds of people the beauty of this program is shutting off my brain going to my sponsor and asking for direction and listening and following through it is the most simplest and basic action and recovery, and it's the hardest thing for any of us to do. I just want to say one last thing. It's going to happen. I said this earlier. We're all at one point going to take an action. It's what we do with it. But I have found those people that never whatever that's supposed to mean, take actions of lust, are never around in this program. They obviously don't got what I got. Why do they need to be here? What's pushing them to be there? All of a sudden, when they see that girl, all of a sudden they get triggered. All of a sudden their wife, all the sudden their resentment. So all of the sudden, all of a suddenly, it gets them to keep coming back. But we need to be honest. Sponsor. I looked at porn. I know as a sponsor, it's also important for the sponsor, whatever the sponsor tells you, he's telling you 12% of the story. So as a sponsor, you need to know that because my sponsors are only 12% in the story on a good day i was watching nudity for about i would say um eight to ten minutes oh you you timed it time you know how long you were watching nudie for whoever watched nudity with only eight to ten minutes like oh you're fooling me maybe normal people me are you kidding me gotta get honest get really honest and if and a sponsor should ask this is what i do what are you looking for and start asking questions and start digging and then start giving the real message to the sponsee. And then you get better. Is it happen only once? Did it happen twice? Don't be scared. What's the worst thing that's going to happen? Your sponsea will say, you're not my sponsor anymore. Okay? You get some more free time on your hands. You know what I mean? That's it. so many things that you're saying are like shut your mind and then do take action and do but so many of the principles are changing the belief system and it's very hard to just switch that off is it a matter of just doing it and then it's going to sink in because I could try from today's approach thinking that beautiful so we're talking about the whole time about changing our belief system but it's like if i was able to just change my belief system i would just change it and then listen obviously i can't just listen and that's why i'm not listening and i'm having a hard time changing my system right so what do i do to change it the way not to change is in indulge in more lust and in more and more acting out and the way for me that it got changed is by coming here and asking God to change it for me. I'm powerless over everything. It's by humbling myself and coming here and getting honest and through the steps my changes just happen. By working the steps things just fall into place. There is an element of trust when you go to the doctor there's an element of trust. When you speak to your rabbi there's elements of trust There's always going to be an element of trust, but usually it's not listening to my brain. It's listening to that person's brain. When you go for financial coaching or financial backing or you're speaking to your accountant, there's an element to trust wherever we go. But that's the beauty of doing the inventory. It's like for once and for all, I hold the inventory in front of me. It's like 82 resentments, 36 fears. I'm scared to do my harms because I've harmed that many people. At one point it's like, please help me. Like this doesn't work for me anymore. Obviously I act out. I hate my wife, God, my children, everything about me. I hate myself. I hate job. I hate blah, blah, la, la. Help. or the denial of I don't resent or anything life is good I just watch porn for the thrill of it okay so continue or humble yourself and say the pain is so severe that I can't even write it down and like Harvey taught me you say God write it for me I can not get rid of my character defects I say God in my steps six and seven take it from me I can find God I say God I offer myself to you so I find you I can't do anything. I'm powerless. I'm ultimately powerless over everything. But from my weakness comes the strength. From my admission comes positivity and comes correction. God takes all, I said this a thousand times, God takes old manures and makes it into fertilizer if I hand him the manure. One last question. I feel like this is where maybe, like, I'm playing with myself with honesty. That's not so good of y'all. Right, but that's what I meant. Like, okay, I was sitting at the door and I see a woman. I don't necessarily think it's like, oh, I am a sexaholic, So these things are going to trigger me to want to make a big deal out of it. I keep on playing with my brain. I'm a sexaholic, so, of course, I'm always going to want love. It's never going to change. And, like, I didn't take a second look. Like, you know, I don't know when, like maybe every time I see something I should be sharing with my partner. You can gauge if it's really lustful. So the question is what's the engagement of did I cross over over to taking an action of lust or not two points when it comes to lust if you didn't engage for more than the first second the first look is on God the second look is you the first book is on god if you saw this beautiful girl you're gonna ever get triggered forever if you're a a sexaholic, till three days after death, if you see an attractive woman, you will be triggered if you have sexaholism. If you have alcoholism, till 3 days after death, you're going to want alcohol. It doesn't mean you will drink. It does mean you will engage. There will be a little flurry going on inside of you different than other people. You will react to the disease different than others people I had a business meeting this week and I ended up in a neighborhood where there was a strip club I felt the energy and knew there was a strip Club in the neighborhood even though I had no clue which neighborhood I ended up in I felt it I have x-ray vision I have powers that other human beings don't have that's the gift of sexaholism there is also a balance of Being able to look at lust in the eyes and stand free. What does that mean? That is our long work of life. That is the balance and working out life. What does it mean to take an action? What does a dozen mean? And what does it means to look lust in their eyes and stay free? What does mean to watch a woman and there's a picture of a bikini? What does the mean, me today I could go to a beach, I could see women in bikinis running around, dancing around, breasts and butts and legs and everything, right? I get more triggered in a coffee shop than I do by a beach today. I don't know why. My brain plays games. I mean, for years I couldn't go to a beach. If I'm spiritually fit, the big book promises you could go anywhere where any regular human being could go. It's what you do with the reaction, with the action that goes on inside of you. and sometimes it's going to be better, and sometimes it's gonna be worse. But Elio, this is exactly what we're talking about. These are the conversations that we sit down with the old times and with sponsors for 30 minutes, for an hour, and you work us through until it works for you and it feels correct between you, God, and another human being. And what works for your life for you is beautiful. And you own it and you live free then. You don't have to walk around so did I take this second. Why am I uncomfortable? All the chatter. You just let it go. Let it be free. Okay. Thank you.