The Young Man Who Tried to Program the Steps Like a Computer – Don P.

Fixed ideas. I just don't want any. And for those who are not new and have long-term sobriety, be careful of the fixed ideas that come out of this book and out of our fellowship and they'll hamper you too. They hamper me sometimes. They can get in the way. Principles never change but my application of principles can get me in trouble. So we had to ask ourselves why we shouldn't apply to our human problems the same readiness us to change our point of view. I'm over on page 52 now. Last of Bill's depressive statements. He's got to bring us down to the bottom one more time. We were having trouble with our personal relationships. We couldn't control our emotional natures. We were a prey to misery and depression. We could not make a living. We had a feeling of uselessness. We were full of fear. We weren't happy and we couldn't seem to be a real help to other people. Whoa, there it is again. Was not a basic solution of these bedevilments more important than whether we could see New Israel's lunar flight? Of course it was. There are among us those who must have some vision of the future in order to have the hope to go on. Well, there it is. Turn that over. What will it be like when these are gone? Oh, I won't have any trouble in my personal relationships. And I don't have. Partly because I have enemies now and I cherish them. If you're living in a human condition, you're going to piss somebody off just because you showed up. That's just the way it is, you can't please everybody. And I sometimes have to judge my effectiveness. The only judgment I have is the quality of my enemies. I have some really high-quality enemies. I've been doing my job. But I won't have trouble in my human relationships because they will all be appropriate. There are people who like me no matter what I do. There are People Who Don't Like Me No Matter What I Do. There are several million people that don't even know my name. Don't give a damn if I ever show up. That's sanity. My emotional nature will be brought back into control. I will laugh at the right place and cry at the wrong place. I will be in the right position and be still at the correct place. I do not control my emotional nature. It is now appropriate. And one of the difficulties I had for my whole life, and if I try to think about it today, is still a difficulty. Most everything feels the same. And if I start to figure out am I grieving or am I unhappy or amI touched, I'm lost. I'm just feeling it. What a glorious feeling that is. I don't know what's going on. I'mjust crying like a baby. I get truly stunned when little kids do something right, and they win. It just tears me up. I watched my 7-year-old grandson playing soccer. And bless his heart, his mother was drinking and using cocaine, his real mother, my daughter's stepson. and he has some anomalies. Head's a little off, ears are a little off. He sometimes gets a little freaky and he's clumsy. God love him. Watching him play soccer just breaks my heart because he falls down a lot and when he kicks at the ball it's here and he is kicking here and he falls on his butt. One day he got that ball dead on right into the goal that touches me no longer a prey to misery and depression you know what a prey is that's that little mouse that's doing his best to get to the next bush before evil gets it and eats it. I'm no longer a prey to anything like that, particularly misery and depression. Depression comes on sometimes. When the hepatitis took me down, that was really depressing. It comes with the territory. What I've had to learn here is that since God is present, I don't have to be depressed about being depressed. That's the only time I get in trouble anyway. I've made a prayer from that. Dear God, please don't let me get screwed up about being screwed up. Don't let my family be depressed about being depressed. It's a great prayer. It separates things into their proper place. You know what you do when you're really depressed? I know what I do. Go to bed. Eat the hell out of the medication. And if it's really, really bad, I pull the covers over my head. I'm able to make a living now. I'm never going to be rich because I don't care that much about money. It's a sad thing, but I just don't. I did marry a rich woman because I'm not stupid. I found out just the other day she has two retirement plans. Am I going to have fun in a couple of years? I'm self-supporting by my own contributions and have been for years. I've worked so long, and I'm a former thief, I've work so long I'm able to draw Social Security benefits. I've been paying my taxes for a long time. In fact, I just had some fun with that. I found out that they'll pay me my entire Social Security benefit and still allow me to make $20,000 this year. So I resigned and gave myself a $1,000-a-year raise because the company will pay me the $20K if I'll stay around part-time. And that means I have to really watch the number of hours I work. It's terrible. very careful not to make too much money you know screw up my benefits they're mine damn it so this is a crazy planet i'm telling you give yourself a raise by quitting had a feeling of uselessness i will become useful and for me that's the most important benefit of this way of life. I died Christmas night of 67 because I had become completely useless. No human being can live in that state. I am now useful on any day of my life, for the rest of my wife. I can be useful because I'm willing and able to touch one other alcoholic and let them know if you're an alcoholic you don't have to die this way. and I can do that right to my deathbed because my friend John did John Adams was a great joy and he ended up with a bad cancer didn't want any of the treatments, he knew it was time to go went home watched him die in a hospital went home and in his dying process which was about a two month period the neighbors, I've talked to the neighbors they were just amazed at the number of people that came to cheer John up. They had no idea. These were the people John sponsored. He was 12-stepping and working with people literally up to the moment that he died. One of them was with him. And he was beating him in the head with a big club. So I have an example that I can be useful to the very moment I go. And if I can do that, I can stay here. No longer full of fear. It means I don't get frightened now, man. It's a pretty scary planet out here. There's some shit going on that makes me nervous. So I go to bed at 730 at night. I do. If you knew my wife, you'd know why. We get up at 5 in the morning to go to work. I can get more work done between five and nine than the rest of them can all day, and then I get to go home at two, so what the hell? No longer full of fear. Would that be a nice thing to have? Yeah. When I'm frightened, it's appropriate. It's time to pay close attention. God gave me an instinct that says the bears are on the loose, and I need to pay attention the rest of the time. What do I want to be afraid for. No longer unhappy does not mean that I'm supremely happy all the time. It means I'm not unhappy. God, please don't let me get unhappy about being happy. It's a great prayer. And I'm able to be of real help to other people. That comes with time. That's a blessing. I can only put it this way. By God's grace, I know people that are eight generations from me because we do it the way this thing said. Bill's vision was not only could he help somebody, they in turn might help still others. And that's the vision. If we do this right, people who come here 50 years from now when we're gone get the same shot we got there's integrity all the way down the line and it's really a joy to see i've been of some real help to some people that i've never met simply because we stay close to the big book and to the truth of the thing that's great when one of your great great great great grandchildren comes up and tells you how much you've changed my life that's bullshit but I love it. Is that what you want? Because that's what's there. That's what I hear it for. What a nice thing. Yeah, I'll take some of that. What do I have to do? Well, we saw others solve their problems by a simple reliance upon the spirit of the universe. I can believe in God and die. I can trust in God and still die. But if I'll rely upon God, then I get to live a full life. I truly expect to get answers when I ask for them. That's our deal. You run my life. I'll ask questions on what I'm supposed to do and who I'm exposed to be, and you answer it for me. That's the deal. So I expect it. the Bible warms against repetitious prayer I'm a child and I'm hungry so I tell mom I'm hungry she's cooking dinner and I come back in and tell her again I'm hangry I know I'm fixing it I'm hangingry I know I'm fixin' it she has to stop fixin't it and put me somewhere so I don't get hurt I delay the whole damn process I've asked once I expect an answer and I'm going to get on about the business of living and the answer will show up it may be a day or a week, it may even be a minute or two but I'll get an answer it usually comes from a source I don't even think about you had that experience? it just comes right in on the wings of the dove our ideas did not work but the God idea did On page 53 is a departure point. When we became alcoholics, crushed by a self-imposed crisis we could neither postpone nor evade, we had to fearlessly face the proposition that either God is everything or he's nothing. God either is or he isn't. What's our choice to be? And I must make that choice. Whichever choice I make, the battle will be over. if God is everything what's there to worry about if God is nothing what's there to worry about no matter which choice you make you've got to make a choice that says let's take a break and think about that one push on So we've been promised, or we've been told and accepted the lack of power is our dilemma. I've lost the power of choice with drink and for me just about everything else. There must be a power greater than myself, obviously, because I can't do this myself and you can't too. There either is or isn't. And despite my immense arrogance, I cannot say there isn't a casual look around at my most idiotic state that says I didn't do all this. There must be. So if I'm willing to say there is, God is, I have to say that without knowing what that means, by the way. I don't even know what all is. But there is an existence of power greater than myself, okay? I can also see it walking around in the people when I first began proclaiming this. Couldn't deny it. So if that's true, where am I going to look? I've been looking out here. My whole M.O. for 34 years was take it from out here and put it in here so I get to feel better. Always got temporary relief, anywhere from a day to a month to a year, temporary. So this isn't it. I know it. From out here in isn't. I've tried it. That isn't the end of it. Even my death was from out her. and it didn't work either. Deep down in every man, woman, and child is the fundamental idea of God. Oh, okay. A little frightening. Last time I looked deep within myself, I killed it. I took a look at what was there and could not live with it. Of course, I hadn't looked far enough. I was only looking at me. So where am I going to look? Deep within. Are they going to show me how to do that? I presume so. They've told me they'll show me precisely how to look within. It may be obscured by calamity, by pomp or by worship of other things, but in some form or other it's there. Do you believe that? Now, over the years, like I say, I'm a word mechanic. Obscured. I get vague hints that it is there. I've always believed it, but it's obscured by calamity. Now, the truth is your calamity is probably my entertainment. Now, it's true. Most comedy is based on somebody falling on their ass. And as long as it isn't me, it' s funny. Okay? Calamity is a personal deal. For some people, I've known a hangnail as a calamity. For others, it's falling off a mountain before it becomes a calamITY. Otherwise, it is just kind of an incident. So, my view of the world is going to need to be looked at. It is skewed somehow. My prejudices particularly get in the way. Pre-judge, that's what that means. I make a determination about who you are without hardly any information at all. Your skin color is dark. You must be able to dance. What a stupid thing that is. I mean, that is benign. We do not know what we do. Hers is also dark. In fact, she is darker than you are. Can you dance? I will pre-judgment. I will judge things like that. Anytime I hear all of any particular type of anything does this, I know it's a lie today. There is no way to generalize all of anybody. So that will obscure it. And that's one of the calamities. That's pomp. Pomp are the robes I wear so that it's clear to everyone around that I am just a little better than you. and my favorite ego role has been and still is pompous ass if you want to know the truth about who I am left alone I'm a pompous ask I keep him alive so he can recognize his friends when they come by By worship of other things. Sometimes worship and obsession look almost the same. I have worshipped money. Money was God. Whatever it is I'm going to put my faith in is my God. It is my power. That's all God is, is power. Well, that's not all God is, but God is power. Money. Prestige was a big one. Much, much power in prestige. That's the perceived impression that I am something. If I can get you to believe that I can pull something off, I have power over you. As long as you still need whatever it is you think I can pull off. And I encourage that. It's one of the tricks that I use along the way. There's a time in every little boy's life when he worships sex. That's where the power is. He feels it coming on him. It's genetic, ladies. We don't have any choice. I have a mandate from God my job on this planet is to impregnate anything that will stand still long enough it's my job first time it hit me it scared me so I asked my friend my best friend about it he said yeah that's it me too now I know that isn't right but that's what it feels like so I get confused I've talked to enough women to know that at about the same time your job is to make sure that happens just to perpetuate the race and it's not thought out God help us we were thought that way so for a time there's worship of that that becomes everything I do from getting a car to everything else is designed to put two blondes in the back seat. Two, never one. If I'm going to do something, I'm gonna do the whole job. It sounds funny, but it is funny because that's what we grew up with. We're serious about this. we read books about it we talk about it incessantly we want to know better ways to do it build whole relationships how silly when those genes are running in a young man no wonder young marriages seldom work his job is to impregnate everything and so he's committed here to this lady and his immediate fear is oh my goodness what if the right one comes by or what if somebody else come by and it's my job no wonder they fail we don't have any comprehension and we don' t tell them about it in our sex inventory all we're inventorying is conduct to take a look at selfishness, self-centeredness, inconsiderate behavior to examine all that kind of thing. And it takes a little while. God gave us these powers. They're not to be despised nor used ridiculously or loosely. When we go into a sex inventory, I don't know whether God wants you to be a monk or a whore. I have no idea. We're going to find out until we get into it. Same with me. I don't know who I am when I get here. I listen to everybody. You've got to understand something. As you can probably tell, I love women. I hold you in very high regard. I live in a matriarchy. I wouldn't change it for the world. I absolutely adore women, as I should. Hold them in very higher regard and respect them. but like an idiot I learned most everything I knew about women from men who don't know shit about women it wasn't until I got sober and got smart now what I know about women I learned from women so I get along pretty good I learned about men from young boys who don't know anything about men either. I need to find the source here, integrity, intuition, which this book talks about, learning from within. I needto find out who I am, not who the generality is. And in going through that, I made an interesting discovery about my own sex activity. There really are things that are almost as interesting to me that I'd rather be doing sometimes. It is not the be-all and end-all. If God made anything feel better, He kept it for Himself. But feeling good isn't what it's about all the time anyway. I found out that I am a family man through prayer and through our process. One woman at a time, that's plenty. In fact, I finally found out what my sexual preference was. Her name is Jackie. and I married her, and that ends that. That's simple. The right one isn't coming by. The right ones already there because I found out who I am. I don't know who you are. We'll find that out through all this examination. I'm going on a little because that's America's big hang-up. Either too much, not enough, wrong kind. Bill describes it beautifully. We haven't changed any. We don't want to shed. But it's a great power source, and we tend to worship it. I've got to stop doing that. It will stand between me and God if I worship it, so we'll examine it. What are some of the other things you worshipped along the way? Made altars too and worshipped. Yeah, Dustin, you're handy. I'm just going to take on you. Glamour. Glamor. Looking good. yeah can you expand on that a little bit yeah and you get that by what going to a concert where they are oh I don't want to do that right yeah more better I'll just fantasize about it that's a form of worship what all what have you worshipped along the way um I was I agree with him glamour wealthy people fascinated me and Femme Fatale's Femmes Fatales. Power. You're talking about all these things are people who have power. That's what we're really talking about. Whatever the dress may look like, these are people that have the power. They are movers and shakers. When they want something, they get it. I want the power because I don't have any. and I know it. I can see you as a tempatelle. I tried. Didn't work? Oh, well. Bad choice. Faith in our power greater than ourselves and miraculous demonstrations of that power in human lives are facts as old as man himself. My attitude about God when I got here was really simple. He had created the heaven and the earth in six days and rested on the seventh and for me he was still resting. That was kind of a, there was nothing real, nothing going on. It was all ancient stuff. Had to change some ideas And some of them, oh, a bunch of those were talking one time with a spiritual guide. One of the guys who was still angry said, look, if God's so almighty powerful, why don't he stop war? And the answer was, well, he didn't start it. Click. How about these babies born with Down syndrome? What a tragedy. No. Sorry, you haven't met Christopher yet. Yeah, you know Christopher. Down in Texas, yeah. He's changed hundreds and hundreds of lives this young man. Got more love in his little finger than I'll ever hope to have. It's just a pure expression of God. Goofy as hell. but I gave a talk down in Texas one time he's 24 at this time big hulk of a kid with about a 4 or 5 year old mind comes running down the aisle after I got off the podium and threw a big bear hug on me and said I'm so proud of you I need to change my viewpoints and my judgments what I see as a tragedy or what I'm worshipping is probably different than yours no need to open up to that so we finally saw the faith in some kind of God was a part of our makeup whether it be money or sex or cars power, glamour, whatever it is we had faith in it, we believed that would bring us what we wanted And there was the attitude of God that had to change most of all. What's he going to do for me? That must change. The spiritual life is based on what can I do for him. The self-interested life is what is he goingto do forme? Boy, gotta go. He's already done everything possible for me that could ever be done. That's the truth. He even left the knowledge of himself deep within me, so if I ran into trouble, I could check it out and ask for direction and care. It's there. What more is he going to do for me? sometimes we had to search furiously but he was there he was as much a fact as we were we found the great reality deep down within us and the last analysis it is only there that it may be found it was so with us and I'm one of us I can tell you bluntly that's where I found it and I did it this way Does that sound interesting to anybody? Would you like to have that close of contact? There's a relationship I can work with. I don't get up and pray in the morning. I pray. And then when it's time, I get up. Prayer is an activity that I hate to say prayer because you have your own view of it. I begin my conversation with God the minute I'm conscious. And it's a conversation. Good morning. I don't move until I have that sense that where I am God is, that there's a conversion. There's a lot of conversation going on. Don't move. It may take a second or two. Sometimes it takes ten minutes. Sometimes I get so into the conversation that I don' t even want to go get up. I go back to sleep. or I'll just lay there. I'm talking about a benefit of sobriety, to be able to lay still for 10 or 15 minutes without a radio or a TV or anything else going on, just to lay there and be still. I'm not taking a chance on getting up on my own without first checking to make sure that my power source is available to me by checking in. Don't want to elaborate on that. It would be a different thing for everybody. But it's a comfort to me. Some mornings it's good morning, sir, because that's how I feel about him. I don't think God cares what I call him as long as I do. One day I called him a bully. I called Him a goddamn bully. I was really pissed. He had me doing things. Of course, I'd ask, what would you have me do? John didn't show up you can do his job and Bob didn't show up you can do his job and by the way here's your job I'm busy right now and I'm not feeling too good I got my own problems to take care of and the phone keeps ringing what's my turn where's mine god damn boy and it was almost like a chuckle ran through me as I realized who I was talking to me I'm the bully. I told him one morning, I've had enough. I'm taking a day off. It wasn't can I. This is the way it's going to be. I've been on the road for nearly four years and worn out. I'm taken a day of. And the phone started to ring. And I hadn't gotten to that place in my life where I can just let it ring. I answered it and it rang and rang and rung And finally I said, okay, you win. Whatever you have in mind is fine with me. And the phone quit ringing and I got the day off. That's kind of my relationship with God, if you will. I don't know if it makes any sense or not. We can only clear the ground a bit if our testimony helps sweep away prejudice, enables you to think honestly and encourages you to search diligently within yourself, then if you wish you can join us on the broad highway. There's the good news. You don't have to go anywhere. What you're looking for, you're working with. It's already all there. Which is a little frightening. As I say, last time I looked there It didn't look too cool. But that's where it is. You don't have to go anywhere. You don'T have to read any more books. You don' t even have to do anything except give in to the idea. God is or isn't. What's the choice to be? If He is, then I need to discover how to relate, how to develop this relationship. Relationships indicate communication. don't they? Almost all relationships begin at the same point, whether it's business or personal or whatever. They begin at this point. Dustin, it begins with an acknowledgment of the presence of whatever you're going to relate with good morning hi hey it begins with acknowledgement and isn't it interesting most prayers begin with the same acknowledgement god all i gotta do is acknowledge the presence and then we can begin the conversation until i acknowledge the presents i can't begin a conversation i had one kid he'd been sponsored through the steps one of these intellectual. God, I love him. Old Shelby, he's up in Boston right now. He's got one of those minds that... He looked at a computer and programmed it. What's that? And he did the steps the same way, and he came to me absolutely out of his mind. He was dying. He was doing 10 steps every day Praying rigorously Doing, doing, doing everything possible He was making it nuts He was examining every Possible motive and every thought Did you ever get caught in that? I wonder why I did that It must be this, it must be that So I said I'll sponsor you on one condition Shelby First thing you've got to do Stop praying he'd been talking if you stop praying you're going to die I said well tell me you've been telling me about God tell me some more about God and he described this really scary thing and I said is that what you want showing up Shelby he said no I said why don't you quit calling his name stop praying The second thing I want you to do is stop writing inventory. I said, Shelby, what do you like to do? And he likes to go to movies and eat ice cream. I said go have an ice cream cone. Lighten up, Shelby. First of all. Go have an iced cream cone, go to a movie, and go get laid, will you? but we did get down to let's stop praying to this because that's what will show up he went through two weeks of lightening up a little bit went to some movies and had some ice cream I don't know about the other I just said that to shake him up he called me in two weeks and he said I'm truly feeling much better but I need to pray to something I need to pray and we began working on finding something he could pray to now he's in his evangelistic stage he went down to Birmingham Alabama to sit them straight got them all fixed up he's fine in Birmingham now moved on to Boston he's so wonderfully arrogant I just love him we put him in with a bunch of big book people in Boston and they're not doing it right But they're his grandfathers, for God's sake. They're not doing it quite right. He's wonderful. He's got the deal. He was worshiping process. And it was standing in his way of a relationship with God. He was using the steps to manage his own life. And it wasn't working. He was worshipping Shelby and that mind. And we'll all do that. It's part of the deal. First time through, if you don't get arrogant and get evangelistic, I wonder what we missed. And I don't worry about you. You will get yours. Chopped right off at the knees they did me. Is she doing that? You can get through that in a day Or you can drag it on for a couple years After a couple of years, you're in danger But you can do it all in a week In a day When she gets to that place Just take her to the Salvation Army Detox And let her save as many as she can Yeah, just let her have Adam. So after I had waited for that flash of light and it didn't come and I'd gone back and bitched at my sponsor and he said, be glad you didn't have a flash of white dummy. It nearly killed you all your life. And we examined some of those. And then he spent a good deal of time with me just sharing the gentleness of his discovery of God. He said, God knows in your present shape you probably couldn't stand one more big shock anyway. But he will probably come to you gently. And he described how he had come to him gently. This was the killer. And it took a long time to get some things passed down. and that has been my experience it's always been a gentling experience but I said to him look how do I make this real I've been to the first day before the first Day of Creation in my head I've taken the trips how do i make this real God has to be present when I go to work in the morning not just when I'm in church how do we make this real He said, Don, God will disclose Himself to you as you disclose yourself to you. The big book on page 57 says it a different way. When we drew near to Him, He disclosed Himself to us. And I draw near to him by going back into the mess and clearing it away. And that's what I did. You want to do that? I can show you how to do that. This book can show you how to do that. How it works it says is next. Process. We're now about to enter process. Okay. So far we've been dealing with getting an old idea. What, you want to get into the process? Yeah. Why didn't you say so? We could have done this at 10 o'clock. Now, we've been told that the people who did this have recovered. And I'm telling you, I'm a recovered alcoholic. Now I'm going to find out who won't recover. It tells me right here, those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program. Usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. I don't believe there's anybody like that in the room. Or you wouldn't be in this room. Not this time of day. You'd have already heard this shit and left. who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this program. And then they lay out the programming. There's a series of steps that we will take. These are the things we did. Here are the steps we took. And these are suggested as a program of recovery. The steps are not suggested. That's a misnomer. These are not suggestive steps. These are steps that are suggested if you want to recover them, we suggest you take them all. If you're going to jump out of an airplane with a parachute, we suggestion you pull the ripcord. It's that kind of a suggestion. And there are 12 things we did. There's actually only six things we did. But worst of all, we had to break them into pieces so everybody would understand them. First, we admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable. Have we done that yet? Okay. Then we came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. Do we believe that? Not yet. And they go on and on. Precise things that we did. My friend Charlie says that we in AA have done a good thing and a bad thing because we took these steps out of the book and we put them up on the wall so everybody could see what it is we're going to ask of you. The problem is, when we do that, the directions were left in the book. So if you want off-the-wall AA, because this can be interpreted. The rest of it can't be. It's really specific. But what a wonderfully honest thing for us to do for new people. We're going to tell you right in front, this is what you're going to need to do if you want what we have, which is access to a power greater than ourselves that solved our problem. That's what we had. I want an order. I can't go through with it. I mean, a casual look at this from where I'm standing is completely lost, hopeless, lying, cheating, thieving. and I'm not even sure I like God, much less what I need to do with Him. I'm going to confess my shortcomings to other people. I'm gonna tell somebody what I've done. Hey, I'm doing time for what you caught me for. You ought to see what I didn't get caught for. Okay? I'mma clean that up. I'm gunna have to look at the heartbreak I had because of what I do to my children and my family and my people and all the folks that trusted me. No, what an order. I can't go through with that. And that's true. I can. On my own, I can do that. Don't be discouraged. No one among us has been able to maintain perfect adherence to these principles. We're not saints. The point is we are willing to grow along spiritual lines. I'm willing to grow along the spiritual lines The principles we've set down are guides to progress and we claim spiritual progress not spiritual perfection There are three things that are clear We hope we've made clear by this point In the chapters of the agnostic, our description of the alcoholic, and our personal adventures before and after, we've tried to make three things clear. That we were alcoholic and could not manage our own lives. Period. The problem we know human power could have relieved our alcoholism. Got it. But God could and would if he were sought. Not if he was found, but if he saw him. The willingness produces the result all by itself. Does that mean? Bob White used to tell us that all we really do here are comply with the conditions, which alcoholics hate to do, by the way. Comply is not a word that fits well into my makeup. I'm not a guy that's headed out the door and you tell me I've got to go. No, I don't. I'll go out this door no you can't if you watch me just contrary being convinced of these three propositions we're now at step three which is that we have decided to turn one of our lives over to the care of God as we understand it what do we mean by that just what do We do we're about to get really specific isn't that nice What do we do? Well, the first requirement is that we be convinced that any life run on self-will can hardly be a success. That wasn't hard for me to do. I'm living in cell B49 right in the Colorado State Penitentiary wearing their clothes, eating their food. It's not hard for us to do that. It's hard for people like me to understand that my life run of self-willed can hardly be a successful unless it was my intention to be a convict. And in searching my memory, I don't recall any morning that I ever woke up and said, I think I'm going to go be a convict. This will be fun. So it's clear. What makes it clear to you? There's an event like that in your life. That's the memory we bank off of here. Isn't that wonderful? Any life run on a cell phone can hardly be a success. On that basis, we're almost always in collision with something or somebody. No shit. Boy, no wonder I'm having so much trouble. This is a terrible couple pages here. This strips me bare. Even though our motives are good, that hurt. I mean, yes, I was a convict, but my motives were always good. I was noble. Most people try to live by self-propulsion Each person is like an actor who wants to run the whole show He's forever trying to arrange the lights and the ballet And the scenery and the rest of the players in his own way If only his arrangements would stay put If only people would do as he wished, the show would be great I see an awful lot of heads going like that See, we delude ourselves these days into thinking that's an Alamon trait. No, no, no. No,no, that's me. The best way in the world to control somebody is to allow them to control you. You got them. That's for three in the morning. But isn't that for them to follow? Yes, I'm in control if I allow you to control me. I'm under complete control. Yeah, I've done it. You're supposed to be giving up your control. Huh? But you're supposed be giving out control. Yes. So if you're giving up the control by giving up The minute I stop allowing you to control me, we're both free. Yes, you are. I just... I'm sorry, it was a shooting star. That's true. Is that not true? Yeah. Got to check with the Al-Anon source. Oh, yeah. Everyone, including himself, would be pleased. Life would be wonderful. In trying to make these arrangements, our actor may sometimes be quite virtuous. I played that one. I wish they weren't being so cruel. He may be kind, considerate, patient, generous, even modest in self-sacrificing. I did that one really good. Modest and self-sacrificing. On the other hand, he may be mean, egotistical, selfish, and dishonest. But as with most humans, he's more likely to have varied traits. And boy, that helped me. My view, my skewed view of being spiritual meant perfect. And the guys helped me understand it's a long way from that. Long way. But someone asked me the other day, do you believe that God is love? And I must tell you, I certainly hope that's not all. Because then it will be based on what my perception of love is, and that's really limited. My observation tells me that's probably close to truth. But it better be more than that. Because I don't know that much about love. So I won't comment on it. I have varied traits there is in me as my sponsor reminded me from time to time a mean streak that means knowing full well I'm about to create damage I just go ahead and deliberately do it anyway just to see you squirm and I hate that and it doesn't happen very often but every now and then and I use my tongue for it they took my sword away but I've got a tongue that can put the mark of Zorro on you and belittle you so quickly you don't even know it's happened for about ten minutes. And I hate that, but it's there. God, please don't let me do that. I think sometimes carrying some of those things with me may make it easier for me to remain a little less than totally arrogant. Very traceable. I also have within me the capacity for magnificence, and so do you. It is within me to make the ultimate sacrifice for you. And I used to think that meant to die for you, but that's not what that means. Jesus said one time, The greater love hath no man than to give his life for his brother. I believe that means to live it for him, not to die. And I have that within me, and so do you. We do that all the time. Great sacrifices of our time and effort and energy and love for somebody else who's hopeless and helpless and may not even appreciate it. We do it anyway. So we have that balance going on. So what usually happens? Well, the show doesn't come off very well. Of course not. You've got six people all doing the same thing. And I know a lot of actors, and this is simplistic and not entirely true, but we talk a lot. And I'm told that one of the things that makes a good actor is their ability to become character-centered, self-centered. Which makes it very difficult for most actors to be good directors. There are some who are fine directors also, but most of them aren't. because once I get character-centered, it's clear to me that the whole play will be better if I'm center stage. And you're playing off of me, not me playing off on you. When I get into that business, I need more lines. My character is much more important than these lines are giving me. We just get into them, so they don't make very good directors. It takes somebody who can stand back and look at the whole show. And it came to my mind one day that one of the most famous, and I say famous because most people remember it, are the lines of a little old English drawing room comedy. Right in the middle of a rather tense scene, this idiot comes in from the outside through the French doors with a tennis rack in his hand and says, Tennis anyone? and it turns the entire play and people of my generation all remember that it was a key role and that's all he ever did in the whole damn play but it turned the play from this dramatic sequence to the next thing I don't know why I told you that that's where my mind goes I remember Shakespeare's soliloquies, but I remember Tennessee. He begins to think life doesn't treat him right and decides to exert himself still more. he becomes on the next occasion still more demanding or gracious as the case may be still the plate is not suiting admitting he may be somewhat at fault he's sure other people are more to blame he becomes angry, indignant and self-pitying they are really getting rough here what is his basic trouble is he not really a self-seeker even when trying to be kind Oh, yes. Is he not a victim of the delusion that he can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of his life if he only manages well? Pivotal thought for the new mind. To think that I can wrest satisfaction and happiness outta life if I just manage well is a delusion. Once I get that, I can stop trying. is it not evident to all the rest of the players that these are things he wants and do not his actions make each of them wish to retaliate snatching all they can get out of the show is he not even in his best moments a producer of confusion rather than harmony amen there it is self interest that's what it does even with good motives I will cause this kind of havoc in my life. Let me tell you some of the places that's taken me. Children are a mainstay in my life. I have been with children since I was one. There have been nine children that I've had direct responsibility for. I have seven grandchildren. There's all kinds of other children that keep showing up at my house. I have no idea where they come from. We feed them and change their pants and wait for somebody to clean them. No, we do. I have come to believe that raising children is a crime the way I go about it. Raising children means me imposing my desires and thoughts and dreams on them and insisting that they fulfill those. And I used to do that. That's a crime. So I quit doing that. Encouraging children is a different deal. And there are certain disciplines you must give if you're going to help a child to become strong. But they don't have to do with much. Gianna lived with us for years. She was my little Italian granddaughter. she's a compromise between Gina and Annabelle they decide Gianna is close enough I like it, it's a good name but Gianna is encouraged now she follows people she watches my role with Gianna has been what is that look at that See that. And she does that now. We took her to the zoo one day, and she'd be in one person's arms, and sheíd see an animal, and sheís say, What is that? And then sheíd want it into somebody elseís arms so she could say to them, What is it? She made rounds that way. All through that zoo trip, she just went from person to person. She watched my wife and her mother do the lady thing of putting makeup on. And it struck her at the dinner table one night. She did her first makeup with brown gravy. Now, if I'm raising children, I can't let them do that. I've got to make some sort of asset of myself. It wouldn't represent me well. I don't raise children. We can wash their hair. We will eventually get new carpet. This is not the time for it. We had it shampooed the other day and before the stuff was even dry, it was macaroni and cheese. Gianna periodically has a temper tantrum. Somebody tells her no and makes it stick and it pisses her off just like it did me. And she'll stand and scream. I let her. I don't care. If it gets too loud I just walk out of the room and let her stand there and scream and it didn't take long until she stopped that. She'll find some other way to get to me but that isn't it. If I'm raising children I can't allow that to happen. I can' t allow her to express what isn't going to work so she can get to something that does, I'll either paddle it a little behind or I'll scream back at her. I'll do something stupid. With the presence of God, what do I need to worry about her screaming at me for? I know why she's mad. I got mad the same way for the same reason. Somebody said no to me and made it stick. Made me awful mad. She and I get along just fine. We really do. I don't bullshit her and she doesn't bullshit me. She's beginning to talk now and it's really funny because it's almost intelligible. She's running whole strings of words together and you know she's really saying something to you. Okay. It's getting closer. I'm beginning to hear what she's saying. It doesn't really matter whether I understand what she is saying or not. She's communicating with me and I communicate back. Is that right? Is that true? You guys do about the same thing when you come to my house and go through the big book. I don't want to be the stage director for the child's life. And I don'T want to BE the stage director for THE people I sponsor for their life. We have no idea what God has in mind for you. All I can do is show you how to find that out, and you and he will discover that along the way. And I hope we can have some fun doing it. So I'm a terrible sponsor when it comes because of this. to have you come to me with relationship problems. I'm really bad at that. I have never figured out how to have a successful sick relationship. I have no advice for you. Well, yes, I do. I have one thing. Quit it. Move. Or with the guys I sponsor, it's generally, why don't you get out of there and quit hurting her? just leave, pack your shit and go. You have no business being here in the first place. I'd put you in jail if you did that to me or words of that effect so I'm no good at that. Don't call me and say which of these jobs should I take I don't care take one but I don' t care take one If you discover six months from now you don't like it, go back and take the other one. I don't care. I'm no good at that. Would you like to find out how to make that kind of decision on your own? Come on over. We'll walk through the decision-making process because it's in here. I can show you that one. God, Joe was such fun. And just as we get to inventory, we get the fair inventory and he gets arrested for illegal gambling. And he's scared to death. And my comment was what great timing. Now is the time to inventory that. The timing couldn't be any better. We got to the sex inventory and two ladies show up pregnant. My comment is, what a wonderful sense of timing. Now you get to run all that through the inventory and find out where you're responsible. Because I'm not going to direct your life. I don't know. Maybe his job is to impregnate the whole world. Maybe he's supposed to be a leader. I don' t know. I really don't. I doubt it. But if this is me in my sickness, then being well means I'm no gong to do any of this. I have come to conclude that God doesn't care what kind of a job I have. He really doesn't. Not the least bit interested. I'm to serve Him wherever I am. It doesn't make any difference what the job is. I can be me on any job. There are some things that come by, and I don't know if you've noticed, but when you get kind of sane, there's always at least five or six decisions. Opportunities are constantly flowing by. I've tried to quit three times in the last year. I can't even quit. They won't let me go. They keep offering me a deal I cannot refuse. Pretty soon they're going to be paying me for doing nothing if I keep working it, right? Except I like what I'm doing. I liked what I was doing when I was a roofer. My son, I never tried to sell the roof. In 11 years, I didn't sell the rooftop. I'd get a lead, and I'd take the man out there, and we'd go on his roof. And I would do my best to see, first of all, did he need any service? And if he did, would my way of doing it be of maximum benefit to him? And if not, I would give him to somebody else. On one job, my son was going half nuts because the guy and I stood on the roof for a half hour talking about God. Not roofs. And he's wanting me to get the contract signed. And when we finished, the guy said, oh, by the way, give me a bid. And we went down and got the job. Didn't matter what I did. I can be of service wherever I am. Okay? Selfishness and self-centeredness, that we think is the root of our problem. How easy that has made my life. And if there's a problem, if I'm having a problem I know it is either because of selfishness or self-centeredness. Some aspect of self is kicking up. There are no other problems. Whatever's going on is only a problem when I feel hurt or threatened and it's affecting me and my desires and my ambitions and my pride or my prestige or whatever. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self pity, self seeking, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. A hundred stories there. Sometimes they hurt us seemingly without provocation. But we invariably find that at some time in the past we've made decisions based on self with later places in a position to be hurt. That's true for me. And I've not been able to track anything that I didn't put myself in a position to get hurt. Sometimes it had nothing to do with this event directly, but I got involved in the kind of thinking or kind of activity that later on caused me to be hurt. That was what Bruce used to say. Yes, he did that to you, but who picked him? Jesus, that cut it loose. Who picked him? I love that part of it too. I get to broadbeat my people. I sponsor that nowadays. She threw me out. She should have. I would have too. Or if it really is somebody bothering her, who picked him. If I can keep that in my mind, who pick them? I can get some freedom. So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. Do we think that? Well, sometimes. Unless it's really bad. They arise out of ourselves. And the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn't think so. Extreme example. I like that. I like extremes. Oh, yeah. If I can't be Mr. Clean, I want to be Mr.-Super-Dirty. It's got to be extreme somewhere. I tried to be Superman. At one point, I had a lovely wife and my first child, and I'm really on fire to set the world on fire. I took a job with a little insurance company on a debit. Do you all know what a debit is? That's the $5 and $6 premiums that you go around and collect because otherwise you're not going to get them. Low end. In a little over seven months, I had sold $800,000 in new premium on the debit. Unheard of. I was about to be in the Millionaire's Club my first year. I didn't know you couldn't do that. I'm just on fire. The problem was, I hadn't learned yet that the money I collected wasn't mine until it went through their books. So things weren't quite going to balance right. And I had to take my last month's check and put it into the kitty to make sure that was square. And of course then I quit. went back to Kansas City and went to work for IBM training school and in three months I was sales manager and in six months my family was gone because I'd started drinking because I wanted to set the world on fire and impress her and the kids and the parents, and I can do that. We're alcoholic. We are quick studies. You put me on the line on a new anything, and I'm off and running, and then I'm incredible because I'm a quick study. I want everybody to notice me and like me and approve of what I'm doing, and I learn how to do that, and off we go. But don't get distracted because I will, and I'll veer off the path here somewhere Or just about the time you think the boy's going to make it this time, I'm gone. I take a drink to celebrate or whatever. I was always truly afraid of success, not failure. Failure's neat. People are very kind when you fail. They'll help you. And if you work it right, they'll not only help you, they're going to take care of you. They'll hover. I just knew that if I did anything right, that it was dumb luck. And I knew that tomorrow morning you're going to want me to do it again. And I don't know how I did it the first time. So I became really afraid of success. Well, I've learned if I do anything right it's dumb luck No, I should get confused by that. I'm not going there. Go ahead. Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness. We're entering into a new area. we do not need to get rid of the alcohol at this point it's already gone if you've gotten here, you're already sober you've been alcohol free for a little while you wouldn't get this far day, week, month, year, 22 years above everything else including alcohol we must be rid of this selfishness Selfishness and self-centeredness, that's the root of my problem. Not drinking. Drinking is a symptom of my problems. That's what it says. We muster and kill this. That's a pretty strong statement. Selfishess will kill me. I've been thinking that I have to operate on self or I'm going to die. Because you don't care. no selfishness will kill me God makes that possible and there often seems no way of entirely getting rid of self without his aid I love the way Chuck put it you can't solve the problem with the problem you've got to solve the problem with the answer selfishness self-centeredness and my mind are the problem. I can't use them to solve the problem I've got to have God's help just to find God Good What a relief because I've been looking for a long time and couldn't get it found on my own Many of us had moral and philosophical convictions galore but we could not live up to them even though we would have liked to I made just one of those lovely little discoveries about myself last year in this area. I still cannot live up to my principles, but I live by them. There's nothing to reach for. That whole piece is gone. I don't have to live upto anything. I don' t have expectations, and if you have expectations of me, shame on you. You're in for a great disappointment. I am who I am but I live by principles it's really very uncomfortable sometimes you know to live a principled life in a world that doesn't always sometimes make you an outcast okay I'd rather be an outclass what I used to be sometimes makes you fool