Step 10 He Needs Daily to Stop the Chatter of a Thousand Monkeys – Charlie P.

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Have a great day. everybody i'm charlie very grateful recovered alcoholic sober since march 22nd of 1985 i'm truly grateful this is my wife katie go ahead her mic is off she'll get to her we're going to do a workshop on step three and the root of our problem we're gonna talk more about that here in a minute but now turn me on here she's keeping the timer so i gotta talk really fast because she ain't playing when it comes to when it comes to splitting this time she's like now if we're going to split 17 minutes each you do not go 19 minutes and I we were best friends for 20 years before we ever became a couple so you'll see some of that brother sister energy there's still a little of that and boy she is tough but before I get started I got you know we're here in Muscle Shoals Alabama we come from Austin Texas and I'm not seeing a lot of burnt orange around here but But I'm a big fan of college football, and my new friend Justin brought me a really nice gift. And, you know, they say when in Rome, do as the Romans do. Roll Tide! All right. It's all right. I like that a lot. We're going to talk today. Some of you guys were here last night at my talk, and I really question you coming back after hearing that last night, but I'm real proud you did. I talked about having my biggest awakening, my biggest spiritual awakening happened at 17 years of sobriety. And that's what I get real excited talking about is that something happened for me that changed the entire course of my sobriete after I'd been around AA for a long time. So, I mean, and that's where we're going to talk about this big awakening that happened, this new understanding that I have. And as it turns out, the big book takes a huge turn on page 60 and i missed it for 17 years i spent a lot of time working a program like the problem was alcohol and and if i didn't drink i should be okay and talked a little bit about it last night about those two fists and what it means to actually be powerless over alcohol that hope when i say i'm a recovered alcoholic what we're talking about having recovered from is that hopeless state of mind and body and it's all over the book in the forward to the first edition, it says we of Alcoholics Anonymous are more than 100 men and women who have recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body. The book talks about being recovered all throughout the, I don't want to spend a lot of time talking about that, but we spend, the book spends the doctor's opinion in the first 43 pages talking about what it means to be an alcoholic because if you're drunk like me, it is so important that I have what I call my first job when I sit down with a new guy is to give him what i call a first step experience i like to be able to give him what i call a fatal dose of alcoholism when we're done if i've explained step one to a guy and he's not a little scared and a little depressed either i haven't done my job right or he's psychotic and we can't help him much anyway you know i mean because there is no happy ending to step one you know the step one is that I am completely hosed. On my own power, I got no shot, no shot and no shot and I'm not going to be interested in any other kind of power until I'm convinced that my power ain't going to get the job done and if you're drunk like me, you've got to cut off every possible avenue of escape, every loophole, everything I can squirm out of before I finally go, wow, I think I may have it just like you're describing. Well then this power it starts getting really interesting. And like I was saying last night, I suffered from untreated alcoholism in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous for a long time. And when we talk about untreated alcoholism, you know, we've had people come up before and go, what do you mean by untreated alcoholism? What is this untreated alcoholism you're talking about? And if we're all alcoholic, as I'm assuming we are, and the acknowledged treatment for our disease is to continuously work the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. And if I'm not actively involved in that process, whether I'm going to meetings or not, I'm Not Treating My Alcoholism, so it would be easy to understand how I could wind up in untreated alcoholism. And then we're going to talk a lot about how that squirts out. Now see, I get to lay everything out, but Katie is docking me for every second of this time. So I have to... And robbing me is some of my best lines. He's already taken two of them. Believe me, that one about the whole not treating my alcoholism, that's straight out of my head. But if we're in untreated alcoholism what are we talking about doing? Because there's two things that I could worry about. One is either I'm not treating my alcohol or the other is that maybe I misunderstand the process and nobody is misunderstanding in the process because of malicious intent or anything like that. I mean, you know, it's how do you know what you don't know? You know, my sponsor used to talk about that a lot. How do you Know What You Don't Know? And so what we're going to talk a lot about, and it's not like we're a couple of experts from Texas or GSO or whatever that have been sent to straighten everything out. We're just going to talking today about what our experience has been with a new understanding into the third step and it was a hugely significant piece for us and i work a lot in our in my sponsorship lineage we work a little bit more with the set-aside prayer and i know some people gary has talked about it i know something and randy and lynn have talked about its a very powerful spiritual exercise and in the set aside prayer we just say something like god please help us to set aside everything we think we know about ourselves, the big book, the fellowship of AA, the steps, and even you God so that we can have a new experience. Please help me to see the truth. Something like that because if you've been around especially I use the set aside prayer a lot when I'm working with folks that have been around the rooms for a while because if your like me a lot of times what I think I know can stand in the way of the truth you know a lot of times i'll turn to a page and i'll go oh yeah uh-huh oh yeah say oh yeah i know this that page where it says this and that in fact you know you can't tell me anything about this place look at there i've got this one underlined and highlighted you know and you know and and there's something that happens when i do the set aside prayer which it's amazing is it possible that there might be a new experience in some of this stuff and every once in a while a huge piece of information will just leap up off the page at me where i go So, good grief. That's got to only be in the fourth edition, right? You know, I mean, I don't think that was in my third edition, you know, and stuff like that. So, that's what we're going to talk about. And I've got to roll. So, it says, we just finished reading what he read and how it works. And we finished, how it Works is what I call the most often read and least listened to portion of the big book. You know, that's as close as a lot of us ever get to meditation is when they go, rarely have we seen a person fail and we go zoom. And then I don't come back into the room until they go and see that God could and would if he were saw. You know what the next line is? Because it says, A, that we're alcoholic and could not manage our own lives. B, that probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism. See, by now, I want to know when it says A, that we were alcoholic and could not manage our own lives, I ought to know what that means by now. If I've had somebody break this down for me. B, that probably no human power could have relieved my alcoholism. I'm convinced now that I can't fix it, my sponsor can't fixed it, My treatment center, my parole officer, my best friend, my mother, whatever. And C, that God could and would if he were soft. You know what the next line is after that? It says, being convinced, we were at step three. Being convinced of what? A, B, and C. So if being convinced of A, B, and C puts me at step three, then A, B, and C contain a really nice summation of one and two. A, that I'm alcoholic, can't manage my own life. B, that probably no human power could have relieved my alcoholism. And C, that God could. And what if he were soft? Well here's where it gets really interesting. This is what we're going to talk about today. When I say it takes a huge turn on page 60, all of a sudden right here we ain't talking about alcohol anymore it's going to switch the focus right here and when I say one of the mistakes I see being made is if you take somebody right from C that God could and would if he were solid and go okay do you believe you're alcoholic Randy yes I am, do you think do you have any trouble with God well not really I'm willing to look at it then let's get down on our knees and do the third step prayer, if I do that I'm going to skip this whole body of work that we're going to talk about today. And that was my experience for 17 years. And you missed this piece that's really just, like I said last night, not really that important. It's just the root of my problem and the basis of my recovery for the rest of my life. Other than that, we can just skip it. But it says being convinced we are at step three, which is that we have decided to turn our will and our life over to the care of God as we understand Him. Back on page 29, there's a very interesting promise in the first new paragraph it says further on clear-cut directions are given showing how we recovered that's a healthy piece of information because if you come in here that's one of the things that makes this book a big deal is it promises me clear- cut directions showing how our founders recovered that'S why they wrote the book they found it so important that they wanted to put down clear-cat directions showing exactly how they recovered well here comes some of them because you know if we've taken this new guy and we've pounded him with a fatal dose of alcoholism i just say guy because i work with guys but when you say okay now chad it's time for you to turn your will in your life over to the care of god if he's a new guy i think it's a fair question for him to go okay okay i don't have But what do you mean by that? And what do You want me to do? Because it's a little foggy when you say, we want you to turn your will and your life over to the care of God. Well, here's what's interesting. What I miss from it, it's going to spend the next two pages talking about what we mean, and then it's gonna switch over to what we do. And there's a huge line here, and this is one that leaped off the page at me one day. I was 17 years sober. I'm going back through and I'm reading the book. And I look down and it says, the first requirement is that we be convinced that any life run on self-will can hardly be a success. I remember looking at that and going, good grief. Not only have I never been convinced of that, that line has never touched me. I was far from being convinced that Any Life, and my sponsorship likes to go in first person on this. So it says, the first requirement is that Charlie be convinced that Charlie's life run on self-will can hardly be a success. And if I was going to change anything, it would say, be convinced that any part of my life run on self will can hardly been a success because we tend to compartmentalize the areas we want to give to God, you know? And I'll keep the relationship and the money and the kids. And we talked about that last time. But then it goes into something. Now, it's interesting. It says in the book, It says we were now at step three twice. It says it here on page 60, and then it says it again over before the third step prayer. And I think the reason that they say it twice is because they know that at this point, if I'm the new guy sitting on page60, I don't have enough information to be convinced that my life right on self-will can hardly be a success. Right? I'm sitting here going, no, you know, are you with me? Well, listen to what it says. on that basis now gary and i were talking about basis there are words that have become very important to me in studying the big book one of them is consciousness one of misprinciples and one that i've been working with the last few years is the word basis and the book leans on it bill will leans upon it really heavily basis means the underlying principle the underlying foundation or something or the the basic principle of something right so it's saying on that basis, what basis? The basis of self-will. On the basis that I'm running this deal, right? It says on that basis, I'm in constant collision with something or somebody even though my motives are good. Whoops. See, the reason I don't ever see self-willing in my stuff is two things that we're about to explain. One is my motives, right. It's saying I can't even trust my motives. You ever do something really wonderful for your A club, and you look up and everybody's pissed off at you? You know? And you're going, what? But all I'm going to tell you about is my motives. I'm not going to say, wait, wait. Why am I in a hot seat? I was just trying to do that. I'll be talking. Well, it gets worse. It says on that basis, I'm in constant I'm almost always in collision with something or somebody, even though our motives are good. I think half the discussion meetings out there, that should be the topic. It's really just constant collision. You know, it's like today we're going to talk about what did you collide with today? You know? And I said, well, I'd like to talk About work. I'd like to Talk about my kids. I like talking about traffic. It goes a little deeper than that. And it says most people try to live by self-propulsion. Anybody read this thing on the actor and get nothing out of it? Oh, I did. I may be the only one. It probably doesn't happen in Alabama, but it was bad. But it says each person is like an actor who wants to run the whole show he's forever trying to arrange the lights the ballet the scenery and the rest of the players in his own way you know what i never really put into place on this thing the reason this guy is such a troublemaker is because he's just an actor i didn't put together for a long time he's not the director his just his job is stand on the x you know chad here's your pick you stand right there on the X and when they walk through you say good morning mr. Clooney And that's all your job is supposed to be. Well, imagine if we go, okay, action. And in comes George Clooney, and I'm the guy that's supposed to have that line, and I sit there and I go, hold up, whoa, whoa. Hold up, wait just a minute. This is not at all right. These lights need to be a little higher. I need these people to move back a little bit. I think I need to stand a little closer to the door. I'm definitely going to need more lines. I don't like the outfit that he's wearing. You see what I'm saying? And the director's over there going, who is this guy? You know, you see how that causes a little chaos? And now here's the second piece of this thing. It's what we call the delusion. This is the delution of self-will, and it rolls into it at the bottom of page 60. It says, if his arrangements would only stay put, if only people would do as he wished. Now here's The Great Delusion that I live under. If only my arrangements would stay put, if only people would do as I wish, the show would be great. Here's where it gets really delusional. Everybody, including Charlie, would be pleased. Life would be wonderful, right? That's my delusion. And that's why I can't ever see self-will in anything because all of my actions are going to get run. I always build this funnel that one side of the funnel is my motives and the other side is my dellusion. And if I run my actions down through that funnel and they come out the bottom side, the worst I'm ever going to give myself is about an A minus. Because if I foul up, I'm going to be telling you what my motives were and what I was really trying to do, and then I had this delusion. I'm not selfish. It's this Charlie-topia we're trying to create here. Everybody's going tobe happy. I got Randy and Chad and Gary and everybody coming in on the deal. We'd all be happy if you knuckleheads would just act right. But you know what the problem is? I have a very little experience with getting everybody to act right. You know, you can't ever get everybody to act right, and it says, and he goes on to what we call the toolkit of self-will. It says in trying to make these arrangements, right? And trying to get everything, and I always imagine this guy kind of juking and trying to give everything to go, and says, I may be quite kind, considerate, patient, generous, even modest and self-sacrificing, right? In trying to do things, unless what? unless that ain't working, right? And then it says on the other hand, I might be mean, egotistical, selfish and dishonest. But it's all me trying to get things to go the way that I think they need to go for everybody to be happy. That's why it blows me away. If this is the root of my problem and if it's saying that if only my arrangements would stay put, if only people would do as I wish, but when people see you have a tendency to want to control things, They want to go, oh, you need to go to this other 12-step fellowship. And you're like, not really. I mean, it's the root of my problem. I'm not against that other 12 step fellowship. But just because I'm controlling doesn't mean that I need to go over there. In fact, and that's a whole other topic. But the last thing they need is a room full of untreated alcoholics and they're trying to learn how to manage better. You know, I mean. Oh! Yep. Bye-bye. Bye-by. Hello. uh hi y'all i'm katie i am an alcoholic i've had the gift of sobriety since october the 28th of 1984 that is five and a half months long we'll talk about that tomorrow um and you know it's funny this is we we absolutely love studying the big book and uh we do a lot of big book studies on the weekend we get the the pleasure of being able to travel around and do big book studies and this is not our first rodeo. And normally I do the third step and he does steps one and two. So he has stolen all that was my stuff. I just want you to know. Okay. So it did sound good. God dang. Um, but, uh, once again, the third set, one of the big differences between, um, Charlie's story and my story is the fact that he missed the third step, and I misunderstood the third step. See, Charlie and I were best friends, right? And I was married the entire time, and you could look at Charlie and see, oh my God, he is so self-centered. I mean, wow! You know, you couldn't have a conversation with him if you're having a conversation. He's walking up in the middle of it, and oh my, it's so obvious. But me, well, I mean I just don't suffer that bad from it i really don't and you know i was most likable in high school and and really everybody likes me and um you know and so really i just thought you know that drinking was my problem and that this self-centered piece only really showed up in my drinking now in charlie's case it was a little worse and there are some of y'all as a matter of fact there's several of yall that it is a little worst but not me there's the delusion see alcoholism this is the root of our problem period and the later on in in the third step it says we are an extreme example of self-will run riot comma though we usually don't think so see and that was exactly what my problem was and once again in in my early sobriety we worked the steps to the best of our ability it wasn't like we came in here and didn't do anything charlie did three joe and charlie uh big book weekends i was married to a big book guy you know i mean we were all about the big book but you only can get so much based on experience of sobriety i mean you period it's like expecting your five-year-old to jump in the car and drive to the store it's not going to happen they don't have the experience and so you're only going to be awakened to whatever experience you have with the time you have and that's the beauty of having longer term sobriete doesn't mean your program stronger but you do have a lot more experience in the rooms of alcoholics anonymous You have a lot more experience staying sober, be it good or bad. Right. And so that's where that's where this deal kind of starts to come alive, because I really, really thought it was all about drinking. That's where my self-centered behavior was. And now that I'm in AA, I'm a good person and I just do good things. But you really bug me. So because that I'M just going to stay away from you because, you know, you bug me. And well, you know what? So do you. And so I'm just going to stay away from you. So I just I just started keeping myself separated from all the people that just bugged me. And yeah, and we call it detached and all of this, which in our program is not in our program. Right. All of that is not in our program. And that's what I did. And you'll hear it in my story tomorrow. But the line that I love, you know, Charlie and I both are just like you guys are in Alabama, which by the way, I do love being in the South. We just came off some, some other States that aren't quite like the South and it just feels good. Let me just put it to you that way. And so what I love in the third step is I sponsor a lot of people. Charlie sponsors a lot Of people were very active in AA now that wasn't always the case. You know, today this is what our life is all about. And I love this next paragraph because this next Paragraph, when you call me as a sponsee or I call my sponsor. Doesn't matter how this deal is rolling out. When I call her, my troubles have got to be of my own making period. There is no wiggle room. There's no, Oh, Charlie should never have said that to you, Katie. You know what? I'm glad you got in your car and drove away. That is a death wish to my marriage because you give an alcoholic this much room and that I don't have a part in this deal and I am in very big danger, right? And sometimes we get somewhere along the lines in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous, the term my part came alive. There's nowhere in the book that says my part. As a matter of fact, there's four places in the books that tell you we disregard the other man entirely. The inventory is ours. We may be somewhat at fault, but we're sure others are more to blame. So it's be very, very careful of what you hear to be sure it goes along with what the book says, because that's what my sobriety was all based on. As a matter of fact, I don't I'm not the big educational kind. So when they handed me a big book, that was not good news for me. It's like, oh, you want me to read what? Oh, you know, reading's not my forte anyway. Right. Give me a smut novel. Everything's different. But give me this literature and no thank you. And so, you know, all of a sudden, my I was relying on you reading the big book and saying it in an AA meeting Now, once again, no harm to anyone. I meant no disrespect. It's just what seemed to work for me up until my bottom fell out in my world, right? So when a sponsor calls me and we're looking at, they're telling me the storyline, right, and that's how it always starts with the 10-step call, and they say, let me tell you what happened at work today. That chick I told you I can't stand, well, she's really done it. Can you hear that one? Oh, yeah, and here we're going, man, this girl at work, And, you know, she's out to get my job and she's sucking up to the boss and blah, blah, blah, bla, bla. So what we have to look at is, first of all, I say, gosh, if only my arrangements would stay put. If only everybody would get the memo in the morning and know how to behave, right? Didn't you get the demo? I gave you your lines. Come on. You're not standing on your mark. You're Not Doing What I'm Expecting You To Do. And the show is not coming off very well. And I really, I'm not very happy with this. So it says, what's the next line? And it says after the self-will toolkit, what usually happens? The show does not come off very well. Katie begins to think life doesn't treat her right. I mean, how many of us in here feel sometimes life doesnít treat us right? Yeah, I mean itís everybody. Welcome to alcoholism, you know. Trust me, if it doesnít go the way I think it should, Iíd love to say I get to acceptance like that and let it just roll off my back and Iím this spiritual queen. Oh, lucky, lucky for me, right? That my toolkit's a big old toolkit because I suffer from a disease of self-centeredness that I need everything to go the way I want it to go or else. And it usually catches me off guard. It's not like if it's an obvious thing, I can usually handle that pretty well. But it's when those motives are good and everybody's upset with me that I feel like I have been done wrong for all I have done for you people And that's really how you're going to treat me? And then I want to gossip terribly bad about you. And then I just need to character assassinate you. And then, I pit allies. That's what I do. When I've been done wrong, I'm going to talk to about four or five people and pit allies, and they go, You know what? I don't like them either. I know. I know! I know, And, you know, that's just signing my death wish, man. And so it says, Now here's what i do. Remember, this is 60 to 63 is trying to get me to understand what I do. See, I can't give anything to God until I understand what it is that I do so I can turn it over. I can let it go. I can know that I'm selfish and self-centered and that's that's sufficient information. I need to know how Katie shows up. That's why the fourth step is so crucial. It is a manifestation of self. we are going to consider how Katie shows up. My personality, I am outspoken. Like Charlie said, I'm like taking a drink from a fire hose, man. You're going to get way more than you thought you were. I am not going to tone it down. I'm coming at you. I sometimes like a dog on a bone, you know? And I mean, it's like pull you back, pull you Back, pull your back. But that's how myself manifests. Okay. That doesn't make me alcoholic. Somebody could be in the room that is totally silent matter of fact they're so silent i couldn't i could tell you i didn't even remember them being here have you ever had somebody try to explain a personality that was in the room to you and you cannot bring it up because that person is so invisible and that's how self manifests for them we're still both alcoholic so don't misunderstand the difference in what we call personalities right because this is what we're looking for so it says um she decides now listen to what happens. The show doesn't come off. I begin to think life doesn't treat me right. She decides to exert herself more. Now, once again, I'm not aware that I'm doing this. This is not conscious decisions that I am making. When I am driven by a hundred forms of fear, I am not consciously thinking anything. I am on the do mode. I got to take care of this problem because it scared the crap out of me, whatever it is. It says she becomes on the next occasion and still more demanding or gracious, right? So how many of you guys know that you had a window of opportunity at work to say one thing to your boss, and they didn't get it? You didn't gets the reaction you want. The show didn't come off very well. I step back. I start thinking, thinking, think, and think, and I've got to be more demanding and more gracious. I've gotta figure out how I need to come to them. Okay, do I meet them at the water fountain and say, hey listen, a minute ago when I said that, I clearly saw you didn't' get it. No, not a good approach. Not a good approach at all. Okay, you know what? I'll come to that and I'll just wait for two seconds before I go, oh hey, hey listen you know a minute ago when I mentioned that to you are you with me on this? I am totally consumed. I am in the bondage of self at this point nobody's stopping me I'm not talking to anybody about this because I got a problem and I got to move on it now and that's the way this thing starts working right? And it says still the play doesn't suit him because all of a sudden he walks away from the water fountain kind of looking at me like this whatever like damn still didn't get it now i'm still scared to death because he's not picking up on what i need him to see admitting i may be somewhat at fault i am sure that mary went over there to him and told him a pack of lies because she's out to get my job. She has never liked me in the first place. And I have gossiped a bit about her at work, but we're going to ignore that right now. See, that's where all that fear starts being driven by that person at work that you're talking trash about. And all of a sudden they walk out of the office with your boss and they both look at you and go. That's all it takes, man. You're like, what's that? What the heck was that? Oh, they were in there talking about me. And then we've kicked into this delusion just like that. When it says, yeah, baby, I got it. When it, when it says that we selfishness and self-centered that we think is the root of our troubles, we are driven by a hundred forms. It could have said a thousand forms, a hundred forms of fear fear is not the root of my problem fear self-delusion self-seeking self-pity we step on the toes of our fellows they retaliate seeming without provocation but we invariably find it sometime in the past we made a decision based on self which later placed me in the position to be hurt see they walked out of the office together there's mary i can't stand that woman please tell me you work with some people you can't understand please please assure me that there are people in life you can't stand. Okay, I got to be sure I'm not talking to PTA. Okay. We are alcoholics. You know what I mean? It's okay to say that out loud. It is okay. And so, you know, Mary comes out and when they give me that head nod, oh, that conversation was about me. Oh, I know it. And nobody's moving me off the mark. And I love it. When it says we are driven by a hundred forms of fear it could have said a thousand forms of fear i call it a gut punch how many of you guys have ever had somebody pocket dial you by accident and you're listening and you know better you shouldn't listen to a pocket dial it was an accident but all of a sudden you hear your name and then you're trying to make to what huh huh huh who is that other voice give me a second And I'll recognize it, you know, and you can't stand it. And then what do you got to do? You got to go find that person and say, so what were you doing today? See, we're going to work it. We're goingto work it to figure out what we got. Ha ha ha ha. Oh yeah, I'm not the only one who suffers from alcoholism here. And so I said, so the place still doesn't suit him. Admitting I may be somewhat at fault, he's sure others are more to blame. I become angry, indignant, and self-pity. and indignant means for all I've done for you. So I am pissed off at you. And once again, that one goes like this. Boom, boom, boom. I am mad. Everything I've doing for that AA group, they just turn their back on me. Right? Self-pity is nobody understands. I'm new in this community and their AA sucks anyway. Right? I got a cooker of resentment at a club in Austin. It's like I'm snake bit every time I walk in there. And who do you think the problem is? Oh, I'm sure it's me. And so it says, what is Katie's basic trouble? Now here's where it really gets ugly. Basic trouble means underlying foundation. Is she really not a self-seeker even when trying to be kind? And I swear, the term we use now today in 2012 is people pleaser. Oh, I'm a people pleader. Well, show me all the people you've pleased. You know, you are an attention sucker is what you are. There is no people pleasing going on here in AA. Trust me. You are a self-centered suck up trying to get what you want. And so, you know, and we use terminology that is therapeutic terminology. And trust me, I did my 10 years of therapeutic terminology and I'm not knocking it, man. I think therapy is a privilege, but we can overuse it. And what we do is we tend to wrap our brains around what we are. We are self-centered. I don't think too much of myself. I don' t think too little of myself . . . I only think about me. Like it or not, man, that's in my DNA. I can't . . ." I don''t get rid of it without God's help. And let me tell you, that''s on a daily basis. That''s why that tenth step is such a crucial step. And so all of a sudden, I'm trucking through life, right? And I've got this level of self-centeredness that's all over me. And especially even when trying to be kind. See, that's when I'm blinded to it. Now, I know when I'm working an angle on Charlie Parker. Oh, come on. Welcome to marriage. I mean, come on. Everyone's always working an angel on their significant other. That's just the way it works. But the truth is, is that one I'm it's obvious. But when I're trying to get something that I need that I don't even know I'm doing? That good motive, that kind person because I'm such a kind individual. See, and it's not that we're bad people or malicious. I don'T wake up and rub my grubby little hands together expecting to screw over on somebody. I DON'T even know I'M DOING IT. And so it says, is Katie not a victim, which means I'M tricked or duped, a victim of my own delusion that i can rest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if i only manage well and i did that you we can do that for a long long time in sobriety long long term i can tell you i did it sufficiently for 10 years and uh and well done honey oh no no no i i still have one minute left mister i don't think so give me 45 more seconds you went 17 17 minutes and 23 seconds. Okay, I got 20. You just stayed up 20 of my seconds right there doing that. Okay, thanks for sharing that. No, okay, so the victim... So I am tricked or duped by my own delusion, not denial. This is a disease of delusion that if I can get you guys to act right, it's all going to go good. Now you can have it. Thank you, darling. Nice job, Katie. Yes. Yeah, you covered half a paragraph there. That was awesome. Oh, now he's going to be a smartass. yeah well well this is powerful powerful stuff sometimes we'll do a whole hour and really only get through with what we mean because we're still in what we need now when we're asking this guy to turn his will and his life over the care of god we're just still talking about what we mean here and that thing lion she just what is his basic trouble what's the underlying principle of what the way i'm operating has got me in constant collision and it says that i'm a this is another one that leaped off the page at one time where it said is he not a victim of the delusion that he can rest and rest means seize by force it's the same word as wrestle that i can seize satisfaction and happiness out of this world if i just manage well and i was sitting there at 17 years sober and you couldn't have better described what was going on with me is i was busting my hump out here trying to get everything to go my way and i had this delusion that if i could just get everything in the goal my way but in the meantime i'm overdrawn and i'm blowing up marriages and I don't know why and that sort of thing. And it says because, it said, isn't it evident to the rest of the players that these are the things he wants? That I'm out here trying to get everything to go my way. And what's going to happen if you're in a play and we see somebody trying to give all the attention? I'm going to go oh, look Mr. Director, what about me? You know, and it says don't his actions make each of them wish to retaliate snatching all they can get out of the show. Is he not even in his best moments a producer of confusion rather than harmony? Oh, my God, we're pounding that into sponsees now because so many times we'll do stuff. And we think we're a producer of harmony, but it winds up being a producer of confusion. And I could tell story after story about it. It goes into, say, our actor is self-centered, egocentric. It says that ego and self are interchangeable. And in a lower case, it doesn't mean that I think too much of myself or I think to little of myself. I just think about me too much. Remember the guy last night that didn't even know it? That's me. That self is on me like that alien. And you go over to the first new paragraph on 62, it says selfishness, self-centeredness. That we think is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear. Now Mark used to say when I'm driven by fear, I'm not choosing to act that way. I'm driving by fear. I broke up with a girl one time, and there was another boy over at her house. I was pretty sure of it. And I went by there, and I go around back to try to look at what's the second-story apartment. So I climb up in a tree to look through the patio glass door to see if there was anybody. Now let me tell you something. I did not choose to climb that tree. I was driven by fear and self-delusion and self seeking and self pity. Well, she comes down on the patio to smoke a cigarette, and I'm standing in a three wearing a white T-shirt and blue jeans. And that's one of those moments where you're going, how did this happen? Is there a lower feeling in the world? And it says, driven by a step on people's toes and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt me, seemingly without provocation. I didn't do nothing. They just went off on me. But it says we invariably find at some time in the past we've made decisions based on self, which later placed me in a position to be harmed. Here's one of the biggest promises in the big book. It says, so our troubles we think. And you know, the we they're talking about are our founders. The we a lot of times in the book is not me. I used to think when I plopped down $5 for a big book, I was part of we. We is these people that are on the other side of recovery, you know? You know like when we do the promises for the night step and they go, are these extravagant promises? And you've got a guy with four days sobriety going, we think not. And you're like, really? those are not extravagant promises for you anyway that's a whole other topic but it says so our troubles we think are basically of our own making basically of our on making now why would that be a promise because if my problems are of y'alls making the only way I'm ever going to be okay is if I can get y'all to act right and I have very little experience getting everybody to act right. If my problems are basically of my own making, me and this power got a chance of working things out, right? It's a huge shift. And it says they arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn't think so. Talk about a drunk trap. I always draw this. If this banner up here was the entire population of the United States, all And that's where everybody is. Now, what we're going to do is we're going to get everybody who is self-will run riot. And we're gonna build a little fenced in area right there. Right there, a little chain link fenced area right there. We're gonna take everybody from the country that's self-willed run riot, and we're gonna run them into this pen right here. OK? Now, we're go into the fenced-in area, and we are going to pluck out the extreme examples of self-well run riot welcome to Alcoholics and it says though he usually doesn't think so i don't even think i belong in the fence right i think when they come to get me it's because they recognize that i don'T BELONG IN THERE AND THEY'RE COMING TO GET ME BECAUSE EVEN THE OTHER PEOPLE THAT ARE SELF-WILL RUN RIGHT ARE GOING OH MY GOD THIS GUY YOU KNOW THAT'S WHAT IT SAYS WHEN IT SAYs AN EXTREME EXAMPLE OF SELフ WILL RUN RIGHT THOUGH HE USUALLY DOESN'T THINK SO BECAU SE I CAN'T SEE IT because of my motives and my delusion and all that sort of thing. And it says, above everything, we must be rid of this selfishness. Mark Houston looked me dead in the eye at this point in the book, and he goes, what does above everything mean to you, Charlie? Isn't it interesting that it says above everything we've got to be rid of this selflessness? It doesn't even say above everything we've gotta stop drinking vodka. It says above everything we've GOTTA BE RID OF THIS SELFISNESS. Turns out vodka never was the problem. Selfishness and self-centeredness was the problem, and vodka was the only thing I ever found that eased the pain and the discomfort of a life based completely on self. That's why when I stop drinking, I don't get okay. That'S why when i stop drinking, i eventually get so uncomfortable that i need some relief. And it says we must or it kills us. Now we're at the end of what we mean now. Remember it said just what do we mean and what do we do? And it says God makes that possible. That's why it's in step three, because I can't have this conversation with somebody and then stand up from it and go, by God, I believe those folks from Texas were right when they were saying that stuff. I have got to be less self-centered. I'm going to go out and be less Self-Centered. It says I can'T wish it away anymore than I could alcohol, because it's IN my DNA. My initial reaction to everything is selfish and Self- Centered. Now, it may not be what comes out of my mouth now. But my first thought is always, how's this going to affect me? Right? How's this going to impact me? How does this affect me, I could tell you stories that would be very embarrassing. But it says, and there often seems no way of entirely getting rid of self without God's aid. Many of us had moral and philosophical convictions galore, but I couldn't live up to them even if I'd like to. When I'm blocked by self and the chatter of 1000 monkeys up in my head, you can't tell me to turn it over. You can't tell me at a pause when agitated or doubtful, you know? How about acceptance, you know, well, acceptance is the key. I didn't realize that for a long time when I was doing all that slogan slinging, I was expecting people telling me to just go straight to acceptance when I'm blocked. It's like, it's like wanting to work the promises and hope that the steps will come true, you You know, acceptance, the pause, being able to turn it over. Those are byproducts of work in this process. But you can't just tell me, you know, like when I was up in that tree, you couldn't go, you just need to turn that over. You know? Really? Just what do you mean by that? And just what do we do? So here it says, neither can I reduce my self-centeredness much by wishing or trying on my own power. We had to have God's help. That's why it's in step three. is that I can't get rid of this level of self-centeredness and selfishness that I've got in my life on my own power. I've gotta have God's help. The reason they're putting me in a shift is they're still trying to drive me to this power. They're gonna try, not only is this the root of your problem, but you can't do a darn thing about it. This is the way you're gonna roll and you're going to keep winding up in jackpots and not being able to... When I said I kept hitting the wall at four and a half years sober and seven years sober, I thought it was the failure of Alcoholics Anonymous. us. I didn't have anybody telling me, Charlie, you're not running up against the failure of AA. You're running up Against the Failure of Self-Will. This is what constant collision looks like, is you're going to blow up this marriage. You're going back up for 10 minutes and get into another relationship. And you're gonna blow that one up. And it's going to keep happening like that. So that's the end of what we mean, right? Now it rolls into what we do. And this is what I call the deal. He says, this is the how and why of it. First of all, we had to quit playing God. Really? Why would I want to do that? What are the next three words? It didn't work. Right? If it's working out real good for you, rock on. You know, we got nothing for you. But if you keep finding yourself in jackpot after jackpot, it says, I got to quit playing God. Well, how do I play God? One of the ways I play God is that I know how everything needs to go. I know how Randy needs to be. I definitely know how Katie could be and I can tell you when she falls short of the mark regularly, you know, and I'm going to tell you what to do and I'll tell you how business needs to begin. I can tell you who the group needs to beat. Now, the rules might change from yesterday to today, you know, and what pleased me yesterday might really hack me off today and I may not be able to issue a memo telling you when you need to change your behavior, but I'll tell you when you've disappointed me, you know, and it says I got to quit because that's me playing God. Now, not only now, I'd like for you to disregard that. I haven't don't have a long history of making brilliant choices in my life because I really know how it needs to go today, you Know, and I have plenty of examples where in my past I didn't get what I want and it wound up being wonderful or I got what I want. And it was awful, but that doesn't convince me because I still think I kind of know how things need to go. That's me playing God, right? And it says next we decided. I used to think that the third step decision was in the third-step prayer. All that is is a reiteration of this decision we make here at the bottom of page 62. Next we decided that hereafter in this drama of life, God's going to be our director. Now this play's got a director. I'm just supposed to stand on the line and say my words, right. It says he's the principal, the head of the company, and I'm his agent. I'm empowered to act on his behalf, but I'm not running things. He's the father. We are his children. I like to say that when I've taken this deal in step three, I am no longer in management. And I can't tell you how many times, and Tom said it this morning, I can'T tell you HOW MANY TIMES WHERE I'VE SAID, YOU KNOW WHAT? THAT'S A MANAGEMENT LEVEL DECISION. AND I'M NO LONGER IN MANAGEMA. I DON'T KNOW HOW THAT'S SUPPOSED TO GO. IT'S A VERY FREEING THING. It says, most good ideas are simple. And this concept was the keystone of the new and triumphant arch through which we pass to freedom. There's a thing back on page 46 where it says, God doesn't make too hard of terms for those that seek him. Here's the terms right here. It says when we sincerely took such a position, what position? The position that God's in charge and that suits me just fine. when I sincerely take that position all sorts of remarkable things happen it says being all powerful here's the terms he provided what I needed under two conditions if I keep close to him and perform his work well I need a real simple deal and that's my deal that's the term of my deal with God now is that he's going to give me what I need if I stay close to Him and perform His work well Well, it turns out I can't stay close to him until I get close to him. And the way we get close to him is in steps four through nine removing what's blocking me from the power. It's like there's a pipeline between me and God and my pipe is clogged up with resentment and fear and anger and guilt and remorse and worry and all that sort of thing. We're in this process of four through nine. We're going to remove what's blocking me form this power and then my job is staying close to him in ten and eleven. He says, if I stay close to him, work with his kids, he'll provide what I need. All right? Pretty simple deal. And it says established on such a footing. Doesn't footing mean the same thing as basis? It says when I'm established on this footing, I become less and less interested in ourselves. I like to point out to my sponsors that it doesn't say self is going to go away. Because if I think that I'm never going to have to do a tenth step, The 10th and 11th step imply that I'm going to foul up, you know. But it says I become less and less interested in myself. More and more, I become interested in seeing what I can contribute to life. Give, give, give. That becomes the new theme. And it says as I feel new power flow in, as I enjoy peace of mind, as I discover I can face life successfully, as I become conscious of His presence. That's huge. It's not a faith in God or a belief in God. It's a consciousness of God. It's something that's walking around with me now. It's part of my way of thinking. The way I roll is it says I'm conscious of God's presence. I begin to lose my fear of today, tomorrow, or the hereafter. Then we roll into the third step prayer. And it says we were now at step three. Now I've got enough information to be convinced that my life run on self-will can hardly be a success. and now the third step prayer means something to me because the first time I read the third step prayer it just sounded like a bunch of churchy talk to me you know I'm down on my knees with a grown man I mean you know I'm feeling really uncomfortable anyway and we're saying stuff like relieve me of the bondage of self well now that's got some meat on the bone alright I'm so wrapped up in self that I don't even see what's causing all this conflict with people and it says God I offer myself to you to build with me and do with me as you will relieve me of the bondage of self that I can better do your will. Isn't that interesting? It doesn't say relieve me of the bonding of self so I can get back to work and make a bunch of money or that I could feel better. It says so I could better do God's will. Take away my difficulties. Why? So I can chill in the lazy boy and watch the cowboys? No it says that victory over them would bear witness to those I would help of his power, his love, and his way of life. May I do your will always. And it goes, so it says, we thought well before taking this step, making sure we were ready that we could at last abandon ourselves utterly to him. When we talk about the second surrender in AA, how am I doing? I'm giving you an extra minute. When we talked about the second surrender in AA the first surrender is the surrender to alcohol and whatever outside issues are kicking my tail but the huge one is the surrendered itself And a lot of us don't ever experience it. Mark used to say, if you handed me this book and expected me to get it, it's like handing me the flight manual to an F-16 and then saying, okay, after you read this, Chad, we got one out here in the parking lot. Try not to hurt yourself or anybody else while you're flying. I need somebody to break this stuff down for me. But when I say that the big book takes a huge right turn on page 60 and I missed it for a long time, I mean it. Because when we get over into those eight-step, ten-step promises where it says we find that our new attitude toward liquor has been given us without any thought or effort on our part. You say, what do you mean without any though or effort? I've been working my tail off. I'm doing inventory. I'm making amends. But none of that effort was towards alcohol. All that effort Was about reduction of self, clearing up the debris which is accumulated out of my effort to live life on self-will and run the show myself, looking at common manifestations of self in the fourth step and all of a sudden I pop up over here and I'm not obsessed with getting loaded anymore. That's the miracle of it, is in reducing this self and raising my God consciousness up and reducing self, all of the sudden I don't have to get loaded anymore Thanks a lot everybody. That was good honey. Okay, so one of the things too, I got a couple of stories, sometimes I think we're just so good at when you hear somebody else's story you can tie in what self-centeredness looks like because trust me, it is not easy to see. I mean, our disease is so delusional. I am so blinded by my own level of self-centeredness. And I think that's why God gave us as drunks the power to help another drunk out. And I can see it clearly in you. I mean clearly in You. But I absolutely cannot see it in myself. Now sometimes I can. Don't let that trick your ego. You know, every once in a while when I see self-centeredness, I think, aha. You know, I've obviously arrived now and now I've got, you know, I can see it every time. I can't. And I can tell a sponsee something, call my sponsor upset about something, she takes me right back almost to the exact situation that I just told that sponseee. And that's 27 years sober, you Know? I mean, I'd like to think that I had, you just kind of go, whatever, man. It is a surprise to me. But on the bottom of page 25, I love this line. It says, if you are as serious alcoholic as we were, which I'm assuming we're all willing to admit we're serious alcoholics, we believe there is no middle-of-the-road solution. And that's where the term came from, middle-o'-the road AA and all of this. And I don't know how I feel on that. Heck, I was middle-о'-the-road. I didn't realize I hitched my wagon to middle-ö'-tha-road AA. I didn'T realize that I wasn't being helpful. I thought I was. Once again, another delusion. and me and my one odd buddy go round and round about that one I didn't know I was oh, I could get off on a whole tangent but we're not at the big book weekend we have one hour and twenty minutes we were in a position where life had become impossible anybody in your sobriety been in that spot? absolutely, where life has become impossible and if we had passed into the region from which there is no return through human aid my self-centeredness, there's no return from human aid Charlie can begin to behave exactly how I want him to, and I'll find something else that bugs me. No doubt about it. You give an alcoholic a $200,000 job, and in less than six months, they'll be complaining about how they're taking advantage of him and the other guy's getting way better deal than I'm getting. The ego of the alcoholic rebuilds at an astonishing rate always. This is not when we drink, when we don't drink. Remember, my problem is when I don't drank. You know, when I drink, it's pretty much obvious what's going to happen. It's insanity. But when I don't drink, I'm still that same tornado running through the lives of others. We had but two alternatives. One was to go on to the bitter end, blotting out the consciousness of our intolerable situation as best we could, drunk or sober. And the other was to accept spiritual help. And that's the level of second surrender to this peace that we're talking about. And you heard in Charlie's story that it took his plane crash. You'll hear it in my story what happened. I don't think it has to be that tragic. I don'T think it HAS to be near-death experience. I think the loss of a job, I think a breakup, I think it can be a lot of things that can cause me to feel that my life is impossible. And had you put a lie detector test in my life, in my marriage to my husband and our children and our little world we'd created, I would have told you life was great. And it really was to me until the bottom fell out and I had no safety net. I didn't know that. And I think that that's one of the beauties. The book says I will not be inspired at all times. The book tells me in hundreds of places if you rest on your laurels, danger, man, danger is all around. Be very, very careful of this. And in the tenth step it says to watch for, not to wait, but to watch for these things because they are going to creep up. I suffer from a disease that is just sitting there waiting to kick my butt constantly and it's that level of self-centeredness that I am blinded to in my own self. I was, as our buddy Mark used to say, and I'm telling you we give Mark so much praise, but you've got to understand that you take two hard-headed, egotistical alcoholics with time and this guy managed to get through that. That in itself was nothing short of a miracle because see, when you got time, you're the hardest person in the world to talk to because you already know everything and I say you meaning me and you. Yeah, I had one girl take real issue with me using the term you and I thought whatever, you know, you means me, okay? I mean, I'm talking this from experience and I'm not going to therapeutically always say it right because we're sitting in here. It's like my buddy Mike Loren says, we don't need to be fighting in the lifeboat. Matter of fact, we Don't Shoot Our Wounded. We pray they don't shoot themselves, you know, and we're all in this deal trying to save each other's life. And I have now I have written more inventory on a members than I have ever written on family members. And I hope I'm in the same room full of people that feel the same way. You know what I mean? you can get under my skin that fast, boy. You know, and so that's what I'm talking about. This ego is so on defense, you know. I don't like what he's saying. I kind of like what she's saying, well, I don' like what they say. Well, I disagree with that. I mean, this chatter just goes on and on and on, and today what I've learned is it's kind of like clouds. It just makes me chuckle sometimes. I am so judgmental, and I have such a sense of entitlement. I was exercising in Austin we had this beautiful hike and bike trail and it's fabulous and you're supposed to run on the right and you come back on the left everybody knows that, it's like cars and these two men stopped they saw each other and they just planted themselves right in the middle of the trail and I'm coming and I've seen them from a distance I don't mean to be like this but the next thing you go really? really? See, it's just going to stop your butt right there in the middle of the trail. And then I'll watch people have to go around them. Everybody's got to go round them. And between me and them, I had to dig into my toolkit because that was none of my business. But every ounce of my being wanted to stop, pop the old earbuds out and go, hey guys, could you kind of move over a little bit? Thank you. You know, in my life, that's me on a daily basis because I am the police of everybody. And it's so funny because once again, and not to knock any other 12-step program, that's the root of my problem. If everyone would do as I wished, I'd be fine. So it's all to make me feel okay. Because I know everyone else wanted to ask those two guys to move. I'll do it. And so I'm going to tell this quick little story. Well, there's two of them. When we're talking about this level of self-centeredness, I always refer to what I call the list. And Charlie has, we've been best friends forever. I was in the fitness business for 30 years and Charlie, when i met him has always fluctuated in his weight and so we just became fast gym buddies and exercise buddies and we just loved each other i was 26 he was 28 my husband loved him we we just had a great relationship and and so um now that we're married i'm a i take a little bit more concern about his health it's not got not got a thing to do with his appearance it's his health i worry about right i want to grow old with this guy It doesn't make him look good. And so he has to every once in a while take these pills because if he eats too much, his feet swell or something burns or something happens. One time, something happens, but yeah, it's gout. And so the pill bottle is sitting out on the counter and I thought, has he been taking those pills? And I said, honey, why are your gout pills out? And he goes, oh, well, what did you say? You said. I said, I took one. Oh, I had to take one. And I said. Why didn't you say something to me? He goes, I just didn't want to worry you. And I went, oh. I think that's on the list. But I bet that's about third on the list. I said the first thing on the list is you didn't tell me because you don't want to take responsibility and you don' t want to eat better. And you knew that you didn't fulfill that commitment. And so you didn' t want to take the heat that was going to come, and I swear he is just stepping out of the shower. He was just expecting to dry off and just pass through this deal. But his first reaction was, well, I didn't want to worry you. Oh, he's so kind. Thank you for that, honey. Oh, and that's the line where it says, isn't it evident to all the rest of the players what he wants and don't they wish to snatch and retaliate? Have you ever had your husband or wife say, I just didn't Want to Worry You? Oh, so you've become this kind, caring, loving individual now when you're scared. Well, and I love the way she'll say, that's on the list. And we do that. I see it with sponsees all the time where they'll tell me why they did something. I go, I think that's about number five for why you did it. You know, there's about four reasons that are all self-centered. Yeah. And then there's two lines before I end with this great story. Yeah, I'm keeping an eye. Actually, I wrote times. No, I am not. And I know you're keeping an eyes on that. And it ain't happening. No, sir. No, Sir. Okay. so on page 62 where it says moral and philosophical convictions galore we couldn't live up to them no matter how hard we tried i have to tell you guys you know we got my my sponsor loves to remind me katie we got two alcoholics living in that house there's not just one alcoholic see when i call her i'm talking about charlie's alcoholism all the time and you know and we got to realize you know and that's the other thing you know man i write a ton of inventory on charlie i don't get a free passed, when it says resentment is the number one offender, it kills more alcoholics than anything else. It kills marriages because if I don't write inventory on Charlie, it doesn't have an asterisk that says unless it's your husband or your wife, I have to write inventory on this to get free of it. Otherwise, I'm just sitting there stuffing it until something happens and I have a million dollar reaction over something ridiculous. And when it says moral, I want to be the best wife I can. I want to be. I'm going to fall short in every area. How many of y'all would consider yourselves falling pretty short certain times with your children oh absolutely and and i don't want to be that way but i will fall short and with my husband we do a lot of speaking together and we were having some problems just personalities clashing and and whatever and him being too this in his talk and me being toothis in my talk and i remembered sitting out there thinking i hope he falls off the stage i hopehe just lays an egg right there and uh and i mean i went i beelined it and called my sponsor i said i couldn't believe it when those voices came in my head i am way more danger than i think i am you know what i don't get to have that i don'T HAVE i DON'T GET TO HAVE THAT OPPORTUNITY TO FEEL THAT WAY AND THINK ABOUT THAT WHILE I'M UH YOU KNOW WORKING THIS PROGRAM AND SO NOW HERE'S A QUICK STORY OKAY MY 22 YEAR OLD SON WAS VERDICT STILL OUT IS HE ONE OF US IS HE NOT I can't figure it out, and you guys know exactly what I'm talking about. And so he has taken a very hard left in his teenage years, and it doesn't look good. And so He turns His life around. He meets this fabulous girl when they're 17 years old. Oh, my God, she is absolutely changing His life. Given sufficient reason, maybe He can stop or moderate, right? I'm watching everything because He's the one I'm watchin' like a hawk. My oldest daughter clearly is untreated, I don't know. And so we're watching Sam, and all of a sudden he and this little girl have been together five years. They're engaged. They've been engaged six months. She shows up pregnant. I'm like, darn it. We almost made it to the finish line. You know, I would have liked to have seen them try to get married, then have the baby, but, well, we're doing it backwards. And they lived in a kind of rotten part of town in Austin. But when it was just them, I was okay with that. They had a registered sex offender in the duplex next door. I wasn't really excited about that, and the state of Texas, the way you know is the guy's got to knock on the door and say that's what he is and, you know, whatever. And all of a sudden I find out she's pregnant. Well, my grandbaby is not living next to a sex offender. Okay, no, sir. So I come to Charlie, and I said, listen, honey, you're the one with all the good credit, so would you be willing to sign for a house for these kids? Because in Texas right now you can pick up a house pretty good. and would you be willing to sign for a house for these kids and maybe put like a $10,000 amount of money down and we can get them a really cute little house and we kan get them out of that rotten park town we kan grow up get our grandbaby grow up in a good neighborhood blah blah blah yeah payment will be less it'll all be good and he says okay he goes you know what and I know now he's got some power now I know I really have all the power but I know he thinks he's gotta power so he says how about Now you go and look for about a $75,000 house. Okay, okay, I'll do that. So we all get in the car. We go look. He's not with us. We find a $ 75,000 House. And, you know, really they're okay. I mean, they're kind of trashy. But they're Okay. And so the realtor, I say, well, what does $85,000 look like? And the realter shows me $85K. $85k is a little nicer than $75K. Did you know that? Yeah, well it really is. And then you have to sit there and be quiet. He is told to be quiet through this story. And so I come home, and I said, honey, you know what? $85,000 houses look a little bit nicer than $75,000. Are you okay with that? And he goes, you're not kidding. I am, blah, blah. Well, a little work on my part. And then all of a sudden, he goes okay, fine, fine. So a couple weeks go by. Now this is a long process. And then I start to realize that $95,000 house does look a lot better than an $85 thousand house. Now I know I'm working him over. Come on. I mean, come on, wives. Yes, are you with me? Husbands, you do the same thing. don't act like you don't and so i i so i come back and i told charlie i said now ninety five thousand dollar house we don't have to do any work to this house and it would be easier for you just to put twenty thousand dollars down and so now i got the kids going with me and they're just like little ducklings just following me and now let me tell you what else i've done because when i run the show i run this show i have convinced the realtor to give me his little key that's like totally against his rules but i'm wearing him out and he just hands it to me because I'm that kind of gal. I'll wear you out. You just give it to me. Fine, okay? I can lose my license, but you are a pain in the neck. So there, just take my key. And I mean, I am going into any house that's got a forced sale sign on it. You know, I'm just... And I'm calling my girlfriend just in case there's a murderer in there because every once in a while, you never know. And so by the time this thing is said and done, I have found a $125,000 house that is fabulous, and Charlie is going to put $20,000 down. Now it took four months, and my little daughter-in-law is just getting gigantic. She was 94 pounds when she got pregnant. She is just huge, right? Baby's out here. They're waddling around. We are getting ready to sign on the dotted line, and I have worked my husband over, but I've gotten what I needed. Pretty good, huh? All of a sudden Sam goes, we're getting ready. The realtor's coming over. We're going to sign On the Dotted Line. And these kids are walking into the cutest house, brand-new floors. Oh, my God, it is fabulous. And Sam goes, well, Mom, how much is the house payment going to be? Because, you know, Ashley's going part-time after the baby, blah, blah. I said, well you know what, you can go online. You can just click it right in there and you can figure out what the payment's going to be. And all of a sudden I click all the numbers in. I looked at him and I said Sam, it's going be $1,200. And he looks at me and he goes, Mom! I can't afford $1.200! dollars. And he loses it and he cries. And you mothers know when the boys cry, it's terrible. The girls cry, It's bad, but the boys crying eats my lunch. He flies out of the house. Ashley's got her face buried in Charlie's shoulder balling. And I became the producer of confusion rather than harmony. It never occurred to me that they could not afford that house. Never even occurred to me i thought i was just working charlie over so i go outside and my son is standing there he's smoking a cigarette he's doing all this and he goes you know mom he goes i'm getting ready to be a father man and i'm trying to do this deal and i said and so this is what i throw out there once again isn't it evident to all the rest players what she wants i go okay i'll tell you what i'll help you pay for the house i'll make half the payment well i don't want to make half the payment i don'T even want to put 20 bucks towards the payment are y'all with me on this I'm kind of sick of raising my children after they're old enough to raise themselves. You know what I mean? And I just throw that out there, and I hear my voice go, you don't want to do that. Do that. You're going to say it anyway because I'm driven by that fear. And he goes, Mom, I don't need your help. He goes, I thought that'd sound great, but not when he's crying. It doesn't sound so good. And so I come in the house, and you just buy the whole house. Just write a check for the whole thing. And he says, I am not going to do this. You see me desperately trying to fix the disaster I've done. Well, long story short, they leave. We've calmed everybody down. I've told them how sorry I am for taking this deal over, running the whole show. And the next morning I call my son and I said, how are you all doing? He goes, you know, Mom, we're actually doing pretty good. He said, we've realized we're going to stay, you Know, next to the sex offender in Cracktown. Oh, lovely. and um and you know we've told the landlord we're going to stay an extra six months and we're gonna reevaluate this after the baby comes and i'm heartbroken right i'm not doing well i call my sponsor and she says under no circumstances are you to touch this do nothing see i have no experience in doing nothing i don't think you do either but i got no experience in doing something i'm always doing something and uh so i do nothing for about three months And all of a sudden, the realtors got me on this auto page where houses come across my computer. And this house pops up that's $85,000. And I call my sponsor and I said, would you go with me to look at it? And the guy says, I'm 26 years sober. I ask him, my sponsor, I cannot be trusted sometimes. And she said, absolutely. We walked in. We saw that house. It was unbelievable. And we paid full price for it. And Charlie put $20,000 down their little house payment, $722 a month, which was a workable deal for them. And the house is on a cul-de-sac. Three of the neighbors that live on that cul- de-sack have lived there for 20 years. They absolutely love the children. Our grandson is there. This most amazing house. And you know what I believe? I believe that amazing house was there when I was screwing the deal up. I was so blinded to it. It wasn't like I needed to wait for God to bring me that one. See, today what I understand is God had me about four or five of those damn things. I just wasn't looking. See, I had my mind set on a $125,000 house and the insanity of that. And that's what we're talking about. I think every day once I wake up, I see God's hand in everything. But when I'm asleep, I can't see anything because I'm driven to go in that direction. The one last thing I wanted to say, and I am going to give you possibly two or three minutes, honey. the um the the old ideas you know the book says we had old ideas we had to let go of them absolutely uh i don't know about you guys but a lot of people in aa myself included did not understand what old ideas were because some old ideas are not bad see that's where i got all mixed up it's it a good work ethic is a good old idea right you should work hard for what you got and if you believe you're the person who needs to work hard and then you get a sponsee that's lazy well you just want to kill them. You know what I mean? And so but if that work ethic starts to interfere with your family then it becomes not a good healthy work ethic. So don't lose sight of the fact that when you're doing the inventory process one of the beauties is we're not only looking for the level of self-centeredness that is in the fourth column, in that third column is all my old ideas. And I just ask the question to my sponsees, how does it affect your self-esteem? How does it effect your pride? How does it affect your ambitions? I don't want to just know the word. I want to know how because we got to know how Katie shows up that causes my failure. That's it. I gave him three minutes. I'm really not that nice. She ran out of steps. I did. No, that was wonderful. Now, I just want to tell you a couple of things. One of the things that I've been working on is a hub theory with step three. If selfishness and self-centeredness is the root of my problem and they've got this deal that I made on page 60, the book is constantly going to be taking me back to the deal. It's going to constantly be taking, you know, and throughout the book you keep coming across lines where it says constantly saying to ourselves many times each day, thy will not mine be done. Saying to ourselves, you have a constant thought of others And if I missed self as the root of my problem, what did I do when I got to the fourth step? And it said being convinced that self manifested in various ways is what had defeated us. We considered self's common manifestations. On that basis, the fourth steps is just considering the common manifestations of self. If you're telling me self is what's been kicking my butt all this time, how does it show up? How does it manifest? And it says, well, resentment is the number one offender as a manifestation of self. Fear as a demonstration of self, sex inventory, harms to others. When you get to the eighth and ninth step, it says we go out and attempt to sweep away the debris which has accumulated out of our effort to live life on self-will and run the show ourselves. It's like Delta Airlines has all these hub lines back to Atlanta. It's throughout the book, it's going to constantly be taking me back to the deal that I made. And the thing I've got to tell you, as you start working on selfishness and self-centeredness, like Katie said, the first place it becomes obvious is in others. Right? You're going to see it everywhere out there. I'm blind to it in here. One of the things we talk about, I love to watch the receiving lines after a talk because you want to see manifestations of self. Watch the people that will come up around the whole line and come up and go, I just want to say thank you. I don't like standing in lines. And you're like, really? Really? So I guess these are all the people that like standing in line, you know? I mean, couldn't there be a little self-centeredness there? You know, story stealing is one of my favorites. As a manifestation of self, oh, my God, my family is rampant with it. If you say something, what happens with me a lot, being as self-centred as I am, is if you start to tell me a story, it reminds me of one of mine stories that is much more interesting than your story. And we call it story stealing. That's where you come up to me. We were at a party one time. This guy comes up. He goes, I'm getting ready to go to Costa Rica. And I go, oh, Costa Rica? Where did I come from, dude? I said, I've been to Costa Rico three times. I went down there with ten of my buddies. We went whitewater rafting and played golf. Stayed at the Melio Cagliotti. Played all that stuff. God, they had a great time. Rated motorcycles. Rode around the coffee plantations. Blah, blah, blah. And then I turn around and walk off. Right? Now this poor guy didn't get to tell his Costa Rica story because I stole it. Right? And if it wasn't for Katie being so generous with her input, I wouldn't have seen that I did it. Because she has to stand there and go, I'll listen to your Costa Rica story. And my family, there's nothing I can say that doesn't remind my sister of something about her, her husband, or one of her three boys. So she steals every story that comes up. And my sister would give a woodpecker a headache after about 45 minutes. But when you start seeing it, that's all we're doing in sponsorship is taking it back to manifestations of self, manifestations of the self. How did you set the ball? I've got to have accountability with people. I've gotta have somebody that's gonna be taking me back to how did you set the ball rolling? Where did you make decisions based on self that placed you in a position to be harmed? How are you a producer of confusion rather than harmony? And that sort of thing. It changes the whole basis of my work when I say, and I missed it for 17 years. You can't spend too much time in pages 60 to 63. It needs to be worn out in the book. It needs, I mean, it's where we, my guys, we live in 60 to 63, 84 to 88. Katie rocked it. We did great. Thanks a lot, everybody. I appreciate it. Thanks for listening. I hope you enjoyed the podcast. Sobercast is ad-free and we'd like your help in order to keep it that way. So if you'd like to help us be self-supporting by pledging a dollar or two a month, visit sobercast.com and look for the donate links. Thank you very much.