Why Laughter Is a Spiritual Experience in Recovery – John A.

My name is John Eckerlin, and I'm an alcoholic. I am very enthusiastic about this program. I'm very grateful for this way of life. It's terrific. First, I'd like to thank the committee for the invitation. I'd also like to say thank you for the hospitality here. I'd love to thank Al for picking us up. He's probably the most humble person I've met in my life. I'll probably call him Mr. Rambo of A.A. up here, you know. Thank you, Alan. There's a few people standing back there. It doesn't give you too much confidence. It's just like if I don't like the son of a bitch, I leave, you know what I mean? This is about how to live and I love its people. I love your slogan, it really begins and ends with sobriety. I have a whole bunch of friends in this room that I love very much. Most of you have never seen me before, but in a very short while you will know me very intimately. And that's just one of the neat things that happens in a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous, that we can know each other on that level. I have grown up in a meet-up in Laguna Beach where there are a lot of old-timers. Thirty, thirty-two, thirty eight, forty, forty one, forty two years of sobriety. and you and I who are young on the program we owe those people a lot because when they came in this was not a sure deal maybe it will work perhaps it was an illusion it was a hope but thanks to those guys and girls dedication you and i have something today that's a fact and reality the program of alcoholics anonymous works and you and i owe those old timers a hand okay I love birthdays in Alcoholics Anonymous because it isn't really natural for alcoholics to be sober and it's a big deal on Happy Birthday I don't think I'm too presumptuous if I say that some of us here tonight sit with a bunch of burdens and lots of if-onlys But be that as it may, we are here in this room so few of the lucky ones because we have a chance. Lots of people have this thing called alcoholism, doesn't have a change, and for various reasons. For the record, my grandfather died from alcoholic delirium in 1910. He lived in a 2,000-acre place out of Stockholm, and that's what happened to him. My father had a problem with his liver in 1927, and nobody knew anything about his illness then. He was a giant of a man, he radiated vitality Women adored him and men envied him But he died three years later And he only weighed 130 pounds when he died And he didn't want to die at all And he did not have much of a chance I was eight years old then And it is something to see A beautiful human being like he once was Well, he was six foot two And when he touched you, you realize his strength But in three years he had deteriorated to absolutely nothingness My father was an aristocrat, he was vain, proud, arrogant But he was also a very loving person But I wasn't violent Thanks to our program I have been able to forgive him for that violence I tell you it's an important point 99 out of 100 meetings I go to they finish with the Lord's Prayer And as the line is, as forgiving as I forgive those who trespass against us. And I can assure you that there was stuff in my inventory that I wish I would be forgiven about. And then we can't have two stand-ups here. I am supposed to be forgiven, and I'm supposed to have a new way of life, but anybody that costs me or whatever—screw them or justice or whatever you want to call it—if I have an opportunity to live a new life, so have everybody else. And if we don't accept that, we lose out on most of it here because then we always blame somebody else. My older brother didn't have much of a chance for another reason. He had a little bit of pride and it seems to be a commodity that we can't afford a luxury in this outfit. years ago now or so, he lived in a castle off of Stockholm. He was married to a very beautiful girl. In fact, he married my girlfriend. I had a little bit of problem with that for a while, but now I'm glad he did. But he drank like I drank and he blew it all. For For eighteen years he defended his right to drink. It is something to see that it's insidious denial that some of us have. You know, this guy earned 150 grand a year, spoke six languages fluently, carried a Swedish flag in the Olympics on three occasions. For 18 years he lived in a room that cost 15 bucks a month to live in, drank a fifth of whiskey every night and has lived in the past, and there was nothing ever wrong with him. I tried to twelve-step him a few times. His drunk-along was very similar to mine, or vice versa. I wrote him a letter, a page and a half what I used to be like, and three and a half pages about all the wonders that has happened to me since I joined the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. I got a postcard back that said, Dear John, I'm sorry to hear about all your problems. I flew to Stockholm in 1978 and spent a couple of weeks with him. I invited him out to America and lived with me for a month. I took him to AA meetings. He died six years ago from yellow yanders. younger brother has done through scripts in La Jolla twice. First time was more than 14 years ago now. And they told him there that he couldn't drink alcohol anymore, and there was something wrong with his liver. He doesn't drink the way I did, and that's all he's looking at. He can't have six, seven whiskeys before dinner, two kinds of wine, coffee and brandy for dessert. It's kind of elegant. Even lights a couple of candles now and then. I mean, it looks just like the commercial. He's still drinking. And you and I wonder sometimes, what's wrong with people like my brothers? There's nothing wrong with them. Alcohol did something for my older brother to the day he died. It still doing something for my younger brother. That's the nature of the illness. And that's why I said in the beginning that you and I are the lucky ones because we have a chance. Because of the evidences in these rooms, people like you and me, the way we drank and carried on, we can change and live without it and have fabulous lives. And as far as I'm concerned, that's what the program of Alcoholics Anonymous is all about, to live good out there without it. I talk to newcomers I love newcomers like the feelings in these rooms from now newcomers and I like being a newcomer myself it's very important to me and I'd like to share with you why I like to be a newcomers I hope I never forget the last year I drank because I compromised on everything I believe in or stood for I couldn't live or function without liquor I didn't dare to go to sleep if I didn' have a fifth of whiskey in the refrigerator because I had habit when I woke up And if I ran out of booze at midnight, I usually called an associate of mine in Baldwin Park and said, Harold, next week you will owe me $150 on this particular job, but if you give me $20 tonight, you won't have to pay me the $130 next week. And I drove a hundred mile around trip at midnight to pick up $20. I didn't dare to buy any booze in Baldwin park because then I wouldn't make it home. And when I came home to Anaheim where we lived at the time, I bought a fifth of an imperial bourbon for $4.85. And then I was safe and I had to live like that, and I hope I never forget that period in my life. I know some of us, after we get a little well, get the few dollars in our pockets and bedroom privileges again. We forget how it really was. In fact, Karen cut me off six months before I came into AA. day. She really ran out of humor at the end, I tell you. She stood on a look for one evening and said, John, I wish you could find yourself a girlfriend so I wouldn't have to fool with you. Said, You'll take forever. After sobriety if you take forever it's very commendable. face it, it ain't fair. The other reason why I like to be in Newcomb, I've been coming to meetings for 90 days. And Phil Petty talked one Sunday morning and he stood up here and said if you keep going to meetings, you will wake up one morning and realize and find out you can function without alcohol. And it is not necessary to drink anymore when you have a way to go. And I sat in that room and I said, my God, I have experienced those feelings. And it was the first time he had dawned on me that I wasn't hooked anymore, that I had some degree of choice over my own actions. And I already started to experience a freedom here that I hadn't had for a long, long time. And I hope I never forget that period in Alcoholics Anonymous, the knowledge that I was not hooked and that Iwas free, and I hopeI never take it for granted. Those are the two reasons why I like to be a newcomer. I didn't start drinking until I was 31 years old. I know it doesn't sound very promising right now, but that's how it was. But I'll share with you how I was when I was young. First of all, the reason why I didn't drink when I Was Young. When my father died, I promised my grandmother I was never going to drink, so I didn' t drink. When I was 19 years old, I had gone to college a year. The war broke out. I went in the Air Force for two and a half years. And after that, I went back to college for a year and a Half, and I was sailing at night. I was trying to help my mom. It was very important to me to play the man of the house part because my older brother was different. He was brilliant in school. He had scholarships to universities, and everything was mapped out for him. But I was different, and I could never figure him and me out in the first place. Now, this guy, he never opened a book. He had A's in everything. I could study till one in the morning. I still failed, you know. It really bothered me. In fact, it's still bothering me. You know, I'm very willing. I try and all that thing, and I can be good for a short time. But when the bottom fell out or something negative happened, I couldn't figure out what was such a screw-up. When I was young, I had an unbelievably inferior altar complex. I'm a perfectionist on top of it. It's not a good combination. I contemplated suicide a lot because I knew if I died I would be with my father And you see, when he lived There was security and prestige and respect in those things And I tell you what I did when I was young I just paked it I pretended I was really together I was very noisy and opinionated And that gave me some false courage And that's how I was when I Was young When I was 31 years old And I'll tell you What happened And, you know, when I was 12 years old, they started to send me to a psychiatrist. I had a little real problem about my father, you Know, that he died. And I couldn't accept it. I played games with me like if I was a good kid, he was going to come back to me as a reward. And I guess it was less painful that way. But it became a reality. And a lot of fantasies in my life became realities, You know. And that's how I lived it. It was a lot of illusions in my life when I grew up. And when I was 31 years old, I was employed by this door factory in Alhambra. My boss was an alcoholic and he taught me how to drink every day. And a new life began for me. It was incredible, you know. We had early times today to talk in the morning, cocktails at 10, martini lunches from 12 to 2.30, made a couple of calls in the afternoon and went back to office and typed up beats from 6 to midnight and drank whiskey. And I thought I landed in heaven. I used to come home to Karen and say, you know, this building business is out of its work list. I never felt this good in my life, you know. And, you Know, from day one I drank a fifth of booze a day. For two years I was never drunk, never hungover. I just felt good. You know, and there's something wrong with your system where you can drink that much liquor and not get in trouble. I had an enormous capacity. and my emotional problems that I lived with. It was like they had never existed. The sky was... I couldn't miss. It was an unbelievable thing to me. A year later, I owned the place. I had sold so many doors they couldn't pay me my commission so they gave me one-third of the stock of the company. I was a success story. What I'm going to give you now is the highlight of my drinking career. You know, I was general manager and sales manager for that place, you know. It's usually what you are when you own the place. But I've never been afraid of work. I was also the truck driver, and I delivered all the doors we sold. I worked seven days a week, 16, 18 hours a day, and allowed every minute of it. I landed a big contract with American House in Gillian, San Diego. I was supposed to deliver several hundred thousand dollars worth of door openings in the 90-day period. And I used to work all day long in Alhambra, and I came home to Corona del Mar where we lived, a little town on the beach there on the coast, and come down to Corona Del Mar at 3.30 in the morning, two-and-a-half-ton truck with several hundred door openings that should be delivered before 8 in the morning on Claremont Hills in San Diego and deliver them from house to house, you know. And I come home there at 3.30 in the evening and Karen had a hot bath ready for me, you now, and I slid in the tub down, lit a camel and inhaled, you known, laid back there, you known. And she came in with a pitcher of martinis and sat down and drank martinis with me. 3. 30 in the mornin', it's really livin', you know, And I smoked that camel and I drank that martini and I spit it out the pimento, you know. And then I usually said, You know, I'm just a little immigrant and I own the goddamn place, you knows. A few years later they fired me from my own door factory. We had three beautiful girls and a son. We took them to church on Sundays. We did everything right to be Americans. The only problem with that church business, the last four years I drank, I was a morning drinker. She usually inspected me, and before we should leave them any time, she just looked at me and said, not today. It hurt my feelings when she took off down the street with her kids in the car and I had to stand there in the corner of the home. Sometimes I ran down the block after her screaming and hollering, you know. My neighbors were out there talking about the lawn problem, and here I came running by, you know. Sometimes I was strangely clad, you know. She saw me in the rearview mirror coming after that in my pajamas, you know. So she stopped down the block and waited for me, rolled down the windows and said, what's the matter now, you know. And I said, don't forget to pray for me. You know what I mean. When I got I didn't feel like I belonged. But I tried. Jesus, I tried, you know. I could take the sermon 20 minutes max. Then I had to have a drink. Twenty minutes into his talk, I just got up and said, oh, screw them all, you know what I mean. And then I went home and I drank Grant Scott's those days and I played good music and became very spiritual. Wrote letters to famous people. The king of Sweden had a long letter for me. Herbert Hoover on Eisenhower, Nixon got a long one for me. Nixon was the only one who answered me. And he lost that time, you know. I have always been a patriot. I was for king and country when I lived in Sweden. I supported the press in the United States after I came over here. I'm very pro, I'm a very for things. I do all those things. I vote every time and I love it. Karen used to say, read it in the morning before you mail it. I did one time and decided right then and there that never again am I going to read it in the evening in the early morning, you know. Two years later, it had progressed a little bit. One week she said, let us try the Episcopalian church next Sunday because the congregation certainly doesn't do their job. And I said, it sounds terrific. And she said yeah, they have very colorful costumes down there, sing a lot. You like music, it might hit you. I'd been drinking to five that morning. I still had a shake when I woke up. I went out in the kitchen and drank a little codeine cough medicine and two shots of bourbon to stop the shakes and tied to my belt and walked along with small steps and tried to look effective and passed inspection and came to church. The only thing I can say to you, the routine in the Episcopalian church, it really ain't for drunks, you know. It's a very busy place. I mean, they get up and down and kneel and pray and sit and stand and sing. I was up and down three, four times Then my timing got off When they sat down I stood up In Sweden when we don't know the words We think halalau I had a couple of sodas there all by myself In fact the second time I came up I gave it a little deal there was a guy five rows behind me. He said, sit down, you son of a bitch. The third time I went to pray and I couldn't get up again. You know, I clunked at that bench. I tried every trick in the book I knew, got up and couldn't make it. Tried it sideways and backwards and forward. I even tried to roll up. And she sat down and looked at me and said, for God's sake, Johnny, get up. And I said, it's an absolute impossibility. So they got up undone and I sat down and sang by myself. Next time I looked behind me, they're all down praying. And here's this guy in the row behind me laying down on his knees with his shinies and mumbling, looked real serious, and he looked right at me. And I sat down on the floor and stared at him. Sometimes you look at the guy you focus in and you lock and you can't move, you know. He stared at me and I stared at Him, and then I thought I'd better look a little casual. So I winked my eye at him, you see. Kind of stopped him for a minute. so we didn't go back to the Episcopalian church. I didn't have any problem in my liquor until I tried to stop drinking. One time, parents stood up and looked at me and said, you know, you drink too much. I said, what are you talking about? They said, Johnny, you drank way too much booze. So I said well then I quit. And then I couldn't quit. And that's when it all began. Because when I had been off the sauce for a couple of days, I got the shakes. And then two shots of whiskey stopped the shakes so I could function and work. So then I had to con myself into where I'd have a couple o' drinks all the time. And then I lied about it, and then I was hiding, and from then on it got worse. When I was into two, three years of my drinking, I was up to two-fifths of whiskey a day. The last year I drank, the last ten months I drank. It doesn't matter if I drank a pint or three-fifths of a liquor a day. I also drank two bottles of codeine cough medicine every day, and six anacins four times a day, and I was absolutely weird. I couldn't get drunk and I couldn'T get sober. And the guilt was on all the time, and there was no relief. And I just thought I was going crazy, and I probably was. And this time is a terrifying time in our lives. But there ain't nobody we can talk to about it. And I was just afraid they were going to discover how I lived, because then they'd probably just lock me up. And here I have four kids to take care of and everything. We talk sometimes about the alcoholic loneliness. And as far as I'm concerned, there's nothing like it, because it is a total isolation. And we drink to live and we know we are dying. There's no way out of it. And that's how it is. One morning she almost had me. I woke up and my bed was wet. I lay down and said, well, Jesus, what can I say to this, you know? And the dialogue was terrific. She stood in front of the bed and looked at me and she said, Well? And I said, Well, what? I mean, what the hell can you say? God, I hope there's some bad weather here tonight. That moment my youngest daughter Katrina came in And she said, Daddy, I'm so sorry last night I climbed into bed where I believe I wet your bed. I mean, talk about a break for an alcoholic. I just pointed at Karen and I said, You thought I was an alcoholic, huh? Four days later it wasn't Katrina's fault. And my attitude, oh, screw it. If she can do it, I can do with her. One night I made a leftover and she wasn't even there. And that's kind of tricky. She was actually laying two feet away from me there. I said, what are you doing over there? I said I beg your pardon, you know. And when she realized what was going on she started to laugh at me. I started to cry because it was humiliating to laugh at the guy who was doing his best. In the morning, I had been out in the kitchen. I'd had my Cody and Kaufman's into my bourbon. She met me in the hallway, and she said, Good morning, lover boy. I didn't feel any pain. I just smiled a little. So that's the best tease I've had in a long time. needless to say I love laughter in Alcoholics Anonymous to me it is a spiritual experience to me it is very much part of the recovery program of AlcoholicsAnonymous anything that you and I have laughed a little bit about tonight was absolutely the deepest tragedy when it happened but when you and I in this manner of identification when it comes to this insanity and this denial can just laugh about the whole damn mess it makes it possible for us to forgive ourselves and change and it is very much part of the recovery program of Alcoholics Anonymous now we started over many times and every time I had the best of intention and everytime it got worse Clarence Shriver you did an afternoon about when we were to go to Palm Springs and start over one time, you know. And I'll tell you how that was. You know, I hadn't been out of town for five years. I didn't dare to leave Anaheim. I was safe there. They took my checks. They weren't always good. But I had a charge account that I was party panther, so all this got where it needed as far as liquor was concerned. And that morning when we should leave, I had given that promise. I just panicked. I said, what's going to happen to me all the way over there? And I drank a fifth before we left, and over 80, 90 miles an hour to Palm Springs. She was crying, and the kids were hysterical, and I had to get there while it lasted, and Karen was under the impression that I didn't love her anymore and wandered out of it and didn't know how to say it. The second day there, in the hotel, she stood down and looked at me and said, I can't live like this any longer. And I got on an aspirin and locked myself in the bathroom. and I laid on the bed, prayed to God, hoping she would die so she wouldn't have to be with me anymore because I know at that time of my life there was no way out of it because I had really tried. Two years after that incident, I came into AA. And you can draw your own conclusion that it was two years well in my guilt connector with her. It was the same year they fired me from my door factory. You should see my attitude about that. I mean, this was my means of income. and they stood down here and said, Sign off. I just signed off. I said, Who needs this headache? Now I can just drink and be happy and that's how it is. He'll take everything that's near and dear to us before we throw in the towel or ask for help or whatever. The day before I came into Alcoholics Anonymous I was picked up at 50 Martin Anaheim at 10 o'clock Sunday morning trying to steal a pint of liquor for $3.57. And you should have seen me that morning. I was drunk and shaven. I weighed 246 pounds. I couldn't even defend myself. I stood on wind, but it can't be me. I mean, look where I came from. And I was brought up in a beautiful family under the most favorable circumstances. But that morning in Anaheim, I looked exactly like a person who has to steal a pint of liquor to live. I had an ultimatum that night and got off the sauce. Next day I had a big development in the afternoon. I had to shake bad and I had two have a couple of shots so I could function and see him. And two drinks didn't do it anymore. I had ate them all, whatever it was, and I knew I had too much. I didn't have to blow that up, too. And I sat out there in the afternoon in a parking lot in my car, and I just wept. I said, God, what has happened to me? What has happened to us? I had the most fabulous plans. Help me or let me die soon. I just can't talk much longer. And it was the next morning when Karen stood down and looked at me, and she said, you know, for years, because of the children and we have to stay together. But now because of them, we have the part. And either you go down and try that thing called Alcoholics Anonymous or you have to leave again. And that's how I came in and I didn't think this would work either. The last four years I drank, there wasn't anything I hadn't tried to use to stop. I tried a lot of things. You know, when I grew up, I had 13 years, two hours a day religious education. I swore on the Bible in front of my wife when kids went down. And I swear to God, I'm never going to drink again. And I said to her, you know, I've never broken my word of honor to you. And she stood down and looked, and she said, You know, children, your father never has. And I thought if I used this thing, maybe this would work for me. Two weeks later, I find myself drunk again. I went to the minister for counseling every week for an hour for 18 months, and I leveled with him. And he said to me one time, You know John, you have to ask God to help you. And I says, Walter, you don't understand. You are a good man, I'm not. You don't talk to your wife the way I talk to mine in the evenings when she bugs me about my drinking. So God doesn't want to have anything to do with me. I cried. And then this gentleman, he read the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous to find out how he could best help me. And he realized through the book of hours that him and I lacked identification and I had to find my bottom photo down alone. So he gave up on me. When he wouldn't talk with me anymore, I went to a marriage counselor, a psychologist in Santa Ana. I spent $2,000 with this doctor. There wasn't anything he said to me that my wife hadn't told me for free three times today, you know. There wasn'T anything he had said to mE either that wasn't the truth. Everything he said was the truth One time he stood out and looked at me and said, You know what's wrong with you? And I said, Doc, tell me. And he told it all, all my secrets and all my emotional problems. And I said, Doc, you're absolutely right. And that's why I drink, because I can't stand myself the way I'm put together either. So then he laid on me how I hurt my wife and my kids. So what do you do then? See, what I did, I went in the wagon, and the tragedy about that in this stage of my illness was simply this, that the more sober we become, the more we realize how we hurt our loved ones, and that in itself drives us back to drinking again because that's the only way we know to get out from under the guilt and that's how it is. There's a lot of capable people in the field of alcoholism today but I sure don't envy them because the nature of the illness is still the same today as when I came in. As long as booze is doing something for us it is impossible for anybody talking out of using it and that is the natureof the illness and that' s why I said in the beginning that you and I are the lucky ones because of the evidences in these rooms. The last Christmas I drank, I bought a doppelganger Arabian horse. I thought it would be a hobby I could stop drinking. So I come home down in December and said, You know, if I only had a doppler gray Arabian, I think I could stay sober. And she looked a little weird, I tell you. I was sober with that thing for a day and a half. And then I had 14 martinis for lunch the next day and fell off the horse, and that was about that episode. And then I come in here to this little aloha club in Anaheim. And I come into there, you know, and I just went in there because I didn't want to be kicked out again. They said, do you have a drinking problem? I said, no. Get along just famously with us. Can you do something for my wife? She's crazy. And that's how it is when we come in there. And we don't know it's going to work. And we've got to cover our own bases. I'll tell you another thing. Now, if I had known how sick I was when I came in, I would never have stayed. Stopping drinking wouldn't have fixed that. And I think God is so merciful when it comes to this. Because I tell you, if we had known precisely how bad it was when it came in we would have done something much more drastic than that. But there is a line in the big book that says more will be revealed and thank God for that line, you know. It's the mercifulness of God, really, that line. And you see, booze was not my problem when I came in. Alcohol had been my solution for so many years, and we so slowly and so gradually go into this relationship to liquor. It's impossible for us to see where we are in a relationship to liquid, admit it, because it worked for a long time. It's a baffling thing. The next day it all happened to me. I got up in the morning, I went out to the kitchen, drank a little codeine, coughed medicine and two shots of whiskey and brushed my teeth. I drove down to the Ilana Club in Anaheim. I polished off a pint of Seagram 7 on my down there in the car. I got in there at eight o'clock in the morning and asked them to call her up to tell her I was there already and show how sincere I was. I stood down and talked a little bit. I mean, you know, how can I be an alcoholic? I live in a beautiful home. I have three automobiles, a swimming pool, an English bulldog. I mean how can be an alcoholic? I play a little music and drink a little. Then I went out and had four double martinis for lunch and went back to the club and asked them to call her again. and then I should go home and buy a fifth and say I've been to AA three times that day. And this guy's standing at the bar and he is standing there eyeballing me, you know. He said, Johnny, why don't you come on with me and let us talk? You know, for one reason or another, I said, okay. His name was Charlie Vick. He became my sponsor and we sat in his patio and he told me his story And that's what I think is important in alcoholic synonymous, one drunk talking to another and the identification between the two. And when he was through with his story, I realized that he was worse than I was and he depended more than I did on it, and he was sober. I said, you were that bad and you can stay off the sauce? And he said, yeah. And I knew he was telling the truth. But I tried to wiggle out of it one more time. I said Charlie, you don't understand. And every time I stopped drinking, I'd get the shakes. And weird things happened to me when I stopped drinking. And he said, Johnny, you would only shake for four or five days. And then you never have to shake again as long as you're leaving. I didn't know that. And I sat down and I thought, what information this guy's coming up with here, you know. Then he told me about the disease of alcoholism. He called it an allergy of the body coupled with the obsession of the mind. And he says, the first drink is a mental one to make you comfortable. And then the body takes over and creates more boost, and you cannot control your thinking pattern or your behavior pattern. So things started to make a little bit of sense to me that afternoon. I was in a meeting that night, and when I read portion of chapter 5 that we heard here this evening, I just said, please God help me today to stay sober. And it wasn't a big deal. You know, I always thought the spiritual experience would be something like, kaboom, yes, John, what can I do for you? But it wasn't like that at all. It was merely a feeling. And my thoughts were these, that perhaps after all this, there's a way for me too. I came home tonight. I said to Karen, I said, you know, it happened to me tonight. I don't have to drink anymore. And she said, your eyes look different. I haven't had a drink of alcohol or any codeine cough medicine or strange pills or funny cigarettes since that day. And today it is 29 years and four months ago. And you all knew, you would sit down probably and say, well, all that time it must be easy for you. But, you know, we are talking about how it was then, and that's what we are dealing with right now. Now, you know, I was not a great success when I came in there. I had a lot of anxieties about my kids. I wanted to be good father. I knew I wasn't most of the time. I was $36,000 in the hole, all small bills and all due. And her suicide attempt just about drove me crazy. It's very hard to live with yourself when you realize that you are broken and not a human being spirit. But I didn't drink and I went to meetings. And that's all I'd go on for me for quite a while. But I'd just like to tell you all new. Those first two months of my sobriety, I had a most unbelievable fear. I couldn't handle nothing. When the phone rang at home, I just pointed at it. And then split and hid in my closet, you know. I had about ten days of sobriery. I sat in the front row in the stag meeting and blurted out. I said, you guys don't understand, but I feel so damn guilty. And that was an old time where they said, the reason you feel so guilty is because you're guilty. And there were guys like that that saved my life. And for the first time I could admit it was my fault we lost reservations. As long as we painted on somebody else or something else, nothing can happen to us. But I came to the conclusion whatever they had done or she had done or said, I drove them to it. And when I took it on that basis, I was free. But when that meeting closed that night, it was probably the most crucial time for me here because I felt trapped. I felt I was in a corner I couldn't get out of. I actually regretted that I'd copped out and admitted it was my fault. The only thing outgoing for me then was this, that I knew under no circumstances could I go back to drinking again. No matter what, I couldn't escape the booze anymore. I had done enough damage. I had no more rights when it came to liquor. And whatever was coming my way, I just had to face the music. But I couldnít split the boozy anymore. So Iíd actually taken the first two steps in this program and didnít know it. But how do you turn your wheel in life over? Care of God is your understanding. Whatís the spiritual experience in these rooms? That happened to me moments later. I stood all alone and afraid, and this guy came up to me. I never saw him before. And he comes over and put his arm around me and said, Johnny, don't worry. Everything is going to be all right. And I believed him. That's how it began for me with a higher power. It was just like those guys had my welfare taught and I just trusted them. For quite a while, those same guys actually gave me the courage to face my wrongs and my difficulties because they talked to me in a fashion I never experienced before because they didn't point fingers and there was no judgment. They just share their own experiences from heart to heart. And this love and this care that goes on in these rooms is really the most healing commodity that we can offer being offered. It suits us back to good health, and it gives us a God of our very own that we entrust on any condition. It's here for everybody. Nobody's excluded. I actually envy all you who are new what you're going to find out about yourself before you go to meetings. I plain envy you what you'll find out. You'll find you're not going to know what you've got to find about yourself. And you don't believe me now, and I didn't believe it then, but it was actually the greatest opportunity that I ever had in my life when I was beaten down to nothing so don't fret if we have all been done. You sit on an opportunity if you're throwing the towel and let us love you and help you. It's a trip and a half here. You know, Karen didn't think I was going to stay sober when I came in. It took two years of sobriety before she realized I'm in business. And you know, we are sensitive when we come in and we want everybody to believe us. But for one reason or another, I understood she didn't dare to believe it because it disappointed her so many times before she didn'T dare to belive it. And for one region or another I understood that. And besides that, you and I, we have a lot of things going here for us that the family don't understand in the beginning. You know, we come in here and they say, Jesus, you know, you're doing your spine and hanging down. Don't worry about it. It's going to get better. And we have all the support groups now in the beginning, you Know. And we don't have to go through this period alone anymore. And you see, when it comes to trust, it's nothing we can demand. It's something we have to earn. And that's what the day of the time is all about, you Now. And then I had a few months of sobriety And they tell me They said, sobrietry has got to be the number one in your life No, I said, my kids come first I loved them all of my life And they said, well Johnny Without sobriiety you won't have them And you have a letter in your pocket to prove it And that was true I said in my business I've got to pay them bills They said well You drank up a door factory Of thirty-six grand in the hole If you don't stay sober, you're going to blow this deal too. And every yabba I came up with, they plugged it. You know, I realized it's true. Without sobriety, I don't have a chance at all. And then something can happen to us. Something spiritual can happen. Something spiritual is beside what is spiritual for us all right when we come in here and find out there are some answers here for us. And you know, they come up here and they say, There's no conditions on sobrietry. No conditions? I said, well, if he forgave me and my things got a little well And I could drive a new Cadillac or something I'd consider this damn thing, you know But then no conditions on sobriety And I bought it You know, then something begins to happen to us Because I tell you something I got up in the morning And carrying intimidated me for quite a while there, you Know Before you had a boost as a crutch You know, you have those stand meetings, or that kind of weakening. You can't stand any more than two feet, you know. I said, I guess so. You know what I mean? And then I split, you now. And then, I go out and I work all day long. And then. I come home before dinner. There's 25 phone calls about people I owe money to. And, all kinds of threats. You know. What I mean. And, I get absolutely paranoid. You know? And, quick eat a little bit. Then, I split and run to a meeting. And, have an hour and a half of little reprieving these meetings. and the people petting me and carry it on, you know. And then I come home and I'm supposed to go to bed and thank God for my sobriety, you now. And I lay down in bed and I said, Jesus, what a terrible day I've had today. What an absolutely terrifying day. And they said, yeah, but I didn't drink. And then it begins. What's going on here? I used to get drunk over all that less. This thing called sobriety, it must be mine. It's my own. It's the only decent thing that has happened to me in a long time. It must be a gift or something." And you see, and then there starts to be a consistency in our living, and we add to it. And many people say, well, when will my ship come in? This is the ship. This is a big deal. You know that nine out of ten alcoholics never make it. Nine out of 10 alcoholics either die or go crazy from this illness because they can't buy this pot. It says in chapter 3, you have to concede to your innermost self, your alcoholic, that's That's the first step of recovery. Nine out of ten don't make it because they feel different, you know, and they go in and out of treatment centers, in and out of all kinds of places, in and out meetings of alcoholics and others because they can't buy this pot. This is the big deal. And then this thing that we got is called a gift. I tell you, it was to me an overwhelming gratitude that I had from that day on. And when we have our priorities right, it has never changed. It has never ceased to be. I can guarantee you that after twenty-nine years and four months of sobriety, I'm just us grateful about this surrender as I was from that very first day when I recognized it, that this is the big deal. And you see, then begins a new life because we have a new management. Everything is God's business, good and bad. And if He is part of the bad business as well as the good, that bad business must just be a period within a period. and eventually when we have gone through that period we realize what we had to go through it and then it all starts to fall in place and make sense to us. And you see, and then starts a new formula in our living when we are living and we have this attitude and that is simply this that you know now my sobriety is right my A is good and I go out and I work and I can work as much as I want to and then the work starts to go better And then the children start to be comfortable around us. And then their kids are all right. And then two years later, you know, Cain comes to me and says, You know, it wasn't always your fault. I tell you, it's something else. Long ago now, she said, you know, this life we live today really is the most fabulous adventure. It was so hopeless and tragic at one time, it's completely turned around. There's even a degree of innocence between us today. And that's almost impossible to believe that that has come to pass because she's just as busy in Ireland as I am in AA. And we have seen so many people over the years who have turned around and started to be good to one another. Nothing is in vain. I tell you, it's all right to fight for sobriety. And there's something we want out of sobrietry. We want this and we want that. And that is also spiritual because we have another manager again. And I wanted to be successful. Sean said Friday night about, you know, he prefers to be rich. And I tell you, some people have said to me, you Know what? I don't need nothing. I have God in my life. I tell You, me and God and broke is a real drag. I am much more spiritual when I have a little money. and I'm coming to you with what I wanted to have and how I wanted to be successful it used to be an obsession with me but we have three things that are given to us freely it's willingness effort and knowledge and when we utilize them on a daily basis to the best of our ability we get everything we ever dreamed or wanted out of sobriety, and we don't take it as an obsession anymore. It's a gift just like the sobriete, because we have a whole new life that's going on here. It really is something else. You know, I went to seven meetings a week the first year I was sober. I've gone to five meetings ever since. Seems to be a lot of meetings. I'm up 6.30, quarter to 7 every morning I work very hard It's a privilege as far as I'm concerned And many people say Jesus what a schedule that guy has I tell you I live more normal than normal people do The only difference I'm aware of it You know what The last four years I drank Seven days a week 16-18 hours to deliver something so I could invoice something to collect something, so I got enough money in so I Could buy enough codeine and booze so I Can live a day at a time. It's a full-time job to stay drunk. My oldest daughter, when I came in, she was 13 years old. Claudia was 10. Katrina and John were 8 and 6. With my schedule I've had in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, I've been able to play tennis with Carolyn and Claudia twice a week for ten years while they grew up I taught them how to ride that horse I fell off on that last Christmas I was drunk, you know I relive my youth with those two girls It's a beautiful thing My two young ones can't even remember me drunk or drinking Katrina very little, Johnny, not at all Katrina has the same personality as I have A desperate need for approval, never feeling she was enough, and contemplated suicide when she was 13, 14. She has seven and a half years of sobriety now. She lives in Montana. And she calls me there one night and she said, Dad, I sat there at 11 o'clock at night in total degradation. and I was thinking about my uncle. And I realized how he had lived and he defended his right to drink for the last 20 years. He said, I thought of him and I knew I was going to blow my marriage loose. My little son that wasn't even born yet. And I went over to the phone and called a girl in AA and I said, this is Katrina. I drink every day. Will you help me? And she hasn't had a drink since and she's beautiful and free. Now, listen, there's a paradox. You know, my brother, that I have tried to hope that he would find his way to live. I have prayed about that and I have hoped and I've tried, you know. He was the one that was a messenger for her. You know? If I be like him, you now, this is the bad stuff that's going to happen to me. You know, I tell you something. There ain't anybody here that doesn't have a message, good or bad. It's part of the whole package. So you and I, we can't be too self-righteous for the people who don't make it right away. It's a gift. Let us accept that. We can't interfere with God's timetable. You know. The steps is it, you know. You know, the inventory was a big deal for me because I didn't think it would make any difference. I took it in spite of it. Charlie said, if you don't take it, you ain't going to stay sober. And I had the attitude, I'm going to prove to them it doesn't make a damn bit of difference. And the funny thing is when I had taken my inventory and given it away, it was just like I had fulfilled a contract for sobriety. And I also had a deep sense that God had forgiven me for all those things. And I could also say repetition in my life, throughout my life that actually I understood was my defect's character on shortcomings. And I realized with my own willpower and technique I could do nothing about them because I had tried. I'd taken the opposite point of view. I denied. I'd said it isn't so. but I just came to the point that these are my defects of character and I can't do anything about these on my own. So therefore, I give them to God and He will remove them on His time and His terms. And then that is something that goes on in our lives. And if there's anybody sitting here and have a problem with the inventory, do this. Just first, write down the four things you have decided not to tell anybody even under severe torture. It will save you sixty-two pages of writing. Lastly I want to talk about resentments. Resentments, this is the number one killer here. And you know, my deepest resentment was my older brother. He hated me with a passion. He was only two years older than me. And I could never understand why he hated me the way he did. When he was twelve years old, he was over six foot tall. He was six foot four, weighed over 200 pounds. You know, and he used to punch me out and I'd roll under the dining room table pretending that I had fainted, you know, so he wouldn't hit me anymore. He busted my spirit and everything because he was such a son of a bitch to me, you now. And I couldn't understand. I didn't feel much like a man because I'd stand up and fight until the last thing I could, but I was broken up here spiritually too when it came to him. And he was brilliant. He had a photographic mind and everything else like that, you know, and there is this hate between us. He drowned me when I was 13 years old. He was a water polo player. And we walked in the ocean 15 feet depth, And he just grabbed me by the hair and held me under until I heard my father's voice talking to me from the other side. It was a terrifying thing to drown. I was just suspended. I couldn't even move a limb. And then it was all gone, you know. And then I woke up in the sun deck there. He dragged me up there, you knew. And here I am in alcoholism. He married my girlfriend just to get to me. I just wanted to tell you how to justify your resentment. and I mean here in AA and they say I forgive him I said how can I forgive him I mean I'm some sort of a second class citizen just because I've joined AA you just walk all over me and I forgive you it doesn't mean a thing and I tell them that ain't right there's got to be something more to this and I prayed about it I tried to surrender to prayer didn't do damn good then somebody said try to understand your resentment. And for one reason or another, I turned around and I said, why did he resent me? And it was just like a film was rolled for me. You know, when we were five, I was five years old. He was five and I was three. I realized what our problem was. Our father favored me. He used to lift me up in the air and hug me and kiss me and do all this stuff and my older brother was obese, and he was not the lap baby. You know, and he stood down next to us and just glared. And you know, what about me? I could see his eyes. What about me, you know? And I realized, my God, that's just a whole deal. He's such an introvert and so serious, and he needs more love than I did. And I was in the way. And then the whole picture fell together for me because my older brother, he lived his entire life for one purpose and reason in life and that was to please our Father. And I sat down and I thought what all he had achieved in his lifetime to get this thing that was his obsession, his purpose for living. You know, and I sit down and think about all these things. And you know, at this time of my life, I had never heard from my brother for 15 years. And I sat down at night and I thought, how can I make amends to him? How can I set this straight so he realizes that it's nothing that bothers me anymore? The next day I had a long letter from me. What do you think about that? I had the long letter form him. And he is writing everything that I had been thinking about the day before. You know, when he was in junior high school and high school, he took gymnastics seven days a week. You know, he has this obstacle about how he was, his obesity and everything. He became one of the finest athletes in Sweden. You know? He was an officer on a gentleman. He carried a Swedish flag in the Olympics on three occasions. You know. And at that time, he was over 40 years old. And he lived in a castle out of Stockholm. And was just like my father had grown up. The same circumstances. And I said, and he's rattling all these things. And I sat down and I thought, my God, he's still trying to get the approval from that and he can't get it because he died when he was nine. And I just wrote him this little note. I said, Bertie, if he thought I'd been alive today, he would have taken you into his arms and said, you have succeeded beyond my greatest expectations, your loving brother John. And needless to say, I haven't had a resentment since. But you know what the payoff is in all this? I lost my inferiority complex. You know, these surrenders in self and ego, we never count on it. It's a fantastic thing, they're all there for a reason. And you know, if anything at all happens to us with longevity under the program, it is that we get a little more of an understanding for other human beings, you know. All my life when I grew up, if I wasn't the center of attention, it was no damn good. And the beautiful thing of the program of Alcoholics Anonymous is really this. No money, no publicity, no recognition. Whatever we do here, you and I do here is part of our anonymity. I hope they never change it. It's a completely different thing than exists in any other part of the world. This is the finest thing anybody could ever be in with. You know, oh, it's 5 to 9, okay. You can't go overtime here, drive the old-timers crazy, you know. I have a friend in Glendale, his name is Bob Lemke. He's a full-blooded German, and I had a little problem with the Germans during the war. And I knew Bob for four years, and then I realized I loved him. He's terrific AA, he helps a lot of people. He even speaks funny. And he has more of an accent than I have, and he even was born here. I mean, can you figure it out? The last 16 years, he has invited me to Glendale to talk on his birthday. This last January was 28 years. Mind you, he invites me up there every time. But he's one of those towns old-timers that don't save any souls after 10, buddy, that type, you know. The first time I talked to him, it was 10 o'clock. I had a minute and a half to wrap up my story. And he sits down and shouts, John, for God's sake, it's 10! I said, Lemke, this is only an AA meeting. We ain't marching into Poland tonight, you know. The first two or three years of my sobriety, I wasn't very nice when I 12-stepped a German. I had a little problem since that Second World War. You know, you should have the attitude that... And I usually said, don't rush into this thing. It's good out there. I wanted them to suffer a little longer. But what I'm going to tell you now in this little episode, because it clarifies how important the fellowship, the groups are, these rooms are. Because, you know, the recovery program is in the 12 steps, but it takes a little while before they all fall in place, you now. And you sense I love the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. I love to bring in the front about alcoholism as a symptom of something deep-seated emotional. It really covers my personality or my being. You know, I love in the big book why it says, This is God as I understand Him. It must be the most spiritual line on the face of this earth that has ever been written. Something is written that doesn't interfere in anybody's religion. It's a beautiful thing. And you know what? This thing, God as we understand it, is the pulse and the heart beat in AA because it pertains for anything that goes on in our life. People have different opinions and everything else like that and so on and so forth. They are entitled to have the right to have their own opinion. We don't have to agree with everything. You know, Karen, she has her opinion about a lot of things. I don'thave to interfere therefore because of my own insecurity to prove that she is wrong. She has a right to her own opinion and so have I. And I don' t have to insist on it. When I have voiced my opinion, I just drop it. Then after that, it's God's business, you know. So it's a beautiful freedom, you now. I love in the beginning of the book where it says we are one hundred men and women who have recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body. What a beautiful promise. But then it's to fellowship the group. This guy, his name was Bill Schellenberger. He was also a German, and he sobered up in Anaheim. We became the dearest friends. He was a framing contractor, and we had a—he was nine years sober when this happened, And there was a gentleman developer on my way years ago. His name was Alvar Wilson. He was a 70-year-old gentleman that built about 1,000 homes a year. And Bill was framing 110 houses for Mr. Wilson in Mission Viejo. It was July. It was 84 degrees hot. And I came out there Friday afternoon to see what my guys were doing. And Bill is up on the roof down, nailing on roof rafters. And he is 6'2", you know, red handkerchief around his forehead and no T-shirt, shorts and a big belt, a big hammer, 30-foot tape and construction boots. And he looked pretty macho up there when he was swinging the hammer, you know what I mean? He saw me coming down the street, standing up down the roof. There's then Mr. Wilson and the sixth vice president coming down to Culsack. Bill saw me and he said, God! And he leaped from that roof, you know, right down there in the dust. And the smoke was flying and he threw himself around me and kissed me twice. I mean, here we are, two big guys in a construction job, you don't... Wow, Jesus Christ, you're going, God damn it, what's this, you do? Wow, you doing? And here we're standing there hugging each other, you now. And Mr. Wilson's standing there looking at us and he said, What's going on with you guys? and Bill said oh Mr. Wilson old John and I went through Alcatraz together but he knew better he stood on looked at us and said no I don't think so but whatever it is it's beautiful and that's what's going on here the fellowship, the rooms the groups Chuck Chamberlain all the years he lived amongst was trying to show us what's going on in these rooms. It's called love with no conditions. Love with no conditions. You and I can be who we are and what we are, and in spite of it, we are loved. There is nothing like it on the face of this earth. And then there's ism that you and I have. It makes us belong. We belong to each other. There is a sense of belonging in these rooms that is absolutely haunting. It's a fact and reality that alone we cannot do it, but together we can. That's the room, the groups, the fellowship. They will carry us when we can't care for ourselves. It's a beautiful thing, this love of no conditions. You know, I'd like to finish for you. When I was 13 years old, I used to sit and look out over the ocean in Sweden. And I had intentions and anticipations and dreams. I'm 70 years old now and I look out over the ocean in Laguna Beach every day, and I have intentions and anticipations and dreams, and I'm extremely vulnerable, and I thank God every day for that sensitiveness that you and I had. That sensitivenessthat you andI used to curse. Why am I different? What's the matter with me? Why do I overfeel in all directions? What is it? This sensitivenessthat you andi have When we practice the principles of the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, it will be a blessing. It will function like a thermostat because it will motivate us to take the action that's laid out in the program of Alcoholic Anonymous. The action we take sets us free. Chuck used to say you can't think yourself into good living. You have to live yourself into doing good thinking. It's the action we make that sets us freer. It's a beautiful thing. But Chuck also said something else That life is tough And life deals us blows And sometimes we lose faith And sometimes We even have fears in our lives But he said And that has something to do When we lose hope When we loose faith That it has to do with the distance from God we are But he has something more profound than that He said It's a conscious separation from God And conscious implies that I have something to do about that. And there again, the action we take sets us free. If I have said nothing to you or knew that you can identify with, just go to another meeting tomorrow. But if you will believe this and take this with you when you leave this beautiful place tonight, if you can just believe this that we only wish you well and we only want good things for you, If you can believe that and take that with you, you will never wake up lonely anymore. Because you know by now there is a way to go and to live. And I say this lastly. I cannot for a moment believe that God would take us through all these things and then bring us in here and show this way to live if He didn't have any plans for us. It really wouldn't make any sense at all. So you all knew, do this. Do what we do. Don't drink and come to meetings. It's the best deal in town. Thank you.