The Feelings He Stuffed Until He Could Not Recognize Them – Scott L.

I'm grateful to be here also. My name is Brian. I'm an alcoholic and an addict. I don't know what I'm going to say. I don' t know what's going to come out of it. I've got 20 minutes to do it, so we'll do it together. I like to pray to God before I say anything because my ego will get in the way if I don'. And there's a lot of people out here, and so God's in charge, so we'll see what's going to happen. Coming up here and seeing Robin brought back a lot of memories, and I mentioned to her that I don't have a lot of, I mean, my memory's not that great, and sometimes situations like this will bring back stuff, which is good. I was able to talk to Robin about things that I wasn't able to talk to other people about because they weren't there and things like that. I'm not going to tell you, I'm nicht going to do a drug-a-log or a drunk-a log. We don't have time for that. We've all used, we all know what that was like. Like some people's stories, where they went was crazier than where I went and sometimes where I want was cracier than where you went. The thing for me was that I used drugs and alcohol to hide the way I was feeling. I was scared to feel whatever it was. You know, I didn't know how to. Growing up in my family, the more I think about it was my parents weren't really there. My mother worked at night and my father came home from work and started drinking until he passed out. So it's like there was nobody there. So we were never taught how to communicate other than the way they did with anger, my mother especially. But that didn't allow me to understand a lot of things about growing up. I didn't have anybody to share anything with. And I know that's, you know, a lot OF the things that I'll say will just be for me. And I guess I just needed to say that because I'm not trying to impress anybody. I'm just here to share with you what went on with me. and so growing up it got to be you know growing up as a kid is scary anyways and then not being able to share any of those things with anybody made it even worse so I grew up with a lot of fear and I found that first of all drinking at least covered up that fear for a while and that was great and it worked for a long time and drugs did the same thing for me and that's why I used both of them to the extent that I did because they worked at first, they worked for a while and it changed me into a different person. I wasn't scared, shy, skinny and whatever else I thought I was at that time was all very negative I didn't have a good feeling about myself my mother always told me you've got to learn how to like yourself and I didn' t know how to do that I didn''t have any experience at that so using drugs and alcohol helped me a lot Through high school, when drugs and alcohol were still working, I had a lot of fun. I worked with some kids at a hospital by where I live. They're 15, 16 years old, and they're in the recovery unit. I don't understand that at all because at that age, there's nobody who could have told me that I had problems with either drugs or alcohol. and I was still having a lot of fun with them at that time. And these kids are in there trying to recover at that age, and I think it's great, but I think It's scary also because they've got to go back out to high school and whatever else and try and stay clean. I thinkIt's going to be difficult for them. But It's been one of the greatest gifts I've been given out of the many, many, Many gifts I'Ve been given in the program was to work with those kids or just to be a part of it. Anyways, because that time in my life I needed something to get through. There's no way I could have done it without drugs or alcohol. My parents weren't able to give me the help that I needed. And I always thought that maybe it was because of their age. They were older than most of my friends' parents. And I thought, well, they didn't get involved with my life because of Their Age. But it wasn't it. It was because Of Their Addiction and Alcoholism. and it just was tough. It was tough and even when it was fun, it was tough I didn't want to feel the way I was feeling and I didn' t know what to do about it and that's the biggest I felt uncomfortable for a lot of years in my life and today the only thing that's different is I don't I'm learning how to deal with that with the tools of the programs. I guess when I met Robin was with a trunk full of beer and my best friend was Robin's husband. Not at that time, but when we met I brought a couple cases of beer when we got drunk. coming up here and seeing Robin now brings back some memories of her and I don't want to embarrass her but she was an ornery drunk and I remember one time we were at the school and she was I know, I just got to do this one little one she was real drunk and we were trying to help her walk and she got pissed off she didn't want any help I don't know if she's like that anymore the group of people we hung around with partied a lot and to this day I couldn't tell I couldn'T talk to them the way I've talked with a person here tonight and I'm as open as I did with this person, and I couldn't tell them how I feel inside. I couldn'T tell them that I get scared still. I couldn' t tell them that I wanted my life to be different. I couldn''t tell them anything. I had to act a certain way to protect myself around all those friends, and it wasn''t very much fun. And I kept putting myself through that for a long time because I didn't know anything else. They were the only friends I had at the time. And that was the way it was with everything. I had to live this life a certain way because I did not know how else to do it and I did like the way things were going. It kept getting worse and worse and the feelings did not go away, they got worse and I kept stuffing and stuffing and stuff. and to this day I go to therapy with an ACA counselor and we're talking about something about my father and he says, you're angry about that. And I said, no, I'm not. And I didn't feel it, but there was anger there that I couldn't even really feel what was there that I'd stuffed so long ago that I didn' t even recognize what was going on. so what's happening now the process of recovery things start coming up when I can handle them and learn how to do it one day at a time I'm jumping around and that's okay that's just kind of what's going on with me Martin made me real nervous on the way over here he's telling me that there's going to be 400 people here and that they were going to tape it, and I couldn't believe that at all. And then they're taping it. I worked in restaurants for a while, and that was a real party situation. Working in restaurants is everybody parties, and you use drugs to get through the day because you have to work so fast and so hard that we started I started using Speed and that was a favorite of mine for a long time and that allowed me to drink a lot more and I'd still black out but I'd stay up longer and I drank more I know you can relate to that Okay, I'm feeling something inside. I'm real nervous and I just don't know where I'm going with this but I just, I know it's just 20 minutes and I can't tell you in 20 minutes what my life is like today. It's completely different and even it's different from a year ago when I was in the program a year before. A year ago, the way I felt then, it's completely better than then. The way I feel about myself and where I am going a year ago at this time I was obsessed with this girl and it was painful and the holidays were coming up and that was a difficult time for me and I think even at this time a year go I was going to a couple meetings with Robin's ex-husband who was my best friend and who I haven't seen since that time and now a year later I'm feeling some serenity and peace in my life and I've experienced freedom in my wife at different times and that is one of the greatest feelings I've ever felt it's not like a rush from drugs or anything like that because the real stuff still goes on You know, all the things I used to drink over still go on in my life. You know? The things that happen in life still happen. But I don't use and drink over them anymore. I talk to people about it. And I write about it, and I pray to God about it . . . And I hope that if I talk you about God, it won't offend you or anything like that. God has freed me of my addiction and the obsession for drugs and alcohol. And, you know, God has given me a love that I've never experienced in my life before. You know, not the love that no human being could or could because I always depended on people to give me what I needed and they couldn't do it. and now I've learned through the books and the writings and the program that I need to depend on God today for what I need. And when I do that, I'm okay. When I start depending on other people and expectations of other people are too high, I get hurt and I get let down and it's not fair to those people when I depend on God and I go to God for what I need I get what I mean and I'll tell you I don't do that perfectly I don' t do anything perfectly I still try to control everything at different times and I still want to do it myself and sometimes I think I'm doing pretty good and then it falls apart and I have to go back to God and that's when I get the help that I need and it's happened to me recently with a job and I've been just totally amazed of the results and it was because I had some time off I quit a job and I decided to take some time off and then it became about two months months and I was running out of money and I didn't have a job and I Was waiting for God to give me the perfect job and it wasn't happening I went to a meeting and cried and asked for help and ever since things have changed I got a job making six dollars an hour and I say that because my ego and pride embarrassed me I felt embarrassed about that that for a little while. And what started to happen was I started having fun with the people I was working with and I started enjoying what I was doing. It didn't matter, you know, once I have a, once I get the ego out of the way, I realize that there's more, you know, there's really much more involved in the situation than I could see otherwise. and I've met some people that are just really super nice people and because I just got myself out of the way I realized what was going on and was able to and am able to enjoy it but it just goes to show me that I don't know what I'm doing without help I don't just get help from God I get help from my friends I get helped from going to meetings I get held from trying to serve God to the best of my ability it's not just one of those things it's all of them put together and you know the message that I keep hearing other people share and it keeps coming up almost every day that I go to a meeting. I keep hearing this. It's just don't use and just don' drink and everything will work out. And it seems to me like after a certain amount of time you just know that, but I forget that and I need to keep hearing that because if I don't abuse anything, I'm going to be okay. I'm getting through it no matter what. I'm getting through this and I'm not going to get voted over so I wanted to thank a few of Robin's friends for making me feel welcome here, I appreciate it I'm one of you I'm equal with all of you and that was a good lesson for me because I was either better than people or less than people and usually less and that created a lot of fear for me and I need to tell myself that I'm equal with all people and that in these rooms we have something in common and I'm grateful for that because this is where I have to be to live my life the way I live it today and I don't want to have that fear that I had and I do not want to be lonely anymore and when I believe that I am equal with all people, that I'm not lonely and I dont have that fear and I want to cry it's just wonderful we are worthy of God's love and it's the greatest thing that has ever happened to me thank you very much My throat's all dry. I don't think I'll be able to talk now. I'm Scott and I'm an addict. Hi, Scott! It's good to be here. It's always good to Be Here. The years I've been around, it's just good to be able to keep coming back. It' s just good having some place to show up to. There's a guy that talks I was about his definition of a spiritual person as someone that's wanted and needed and loved on this earth. And I've learned that I'm a spiritual person, you know? And I want to share that with you, you know. And I hope by the end of this talk you guys will be convinced. my gum falls apart in my mouth. It's like if I go to take it out after it's too late, it does like spider webs on me. And it still happens. I get all pumped up and it's like all pumped with no place to go. I don't worry about seizures anymore because I have never had a seizure up here, but I remember the first time I talked was at a young people's down in Sacramento. I remember I kept thinking, oh God, what if you have a seizure in front of all those people? And then the thought came right behind it. Another thought came out of my head and another thought came back behind it and said, that's okay. If you have the seizure, they'll get the message. They'll still get the massage you know, because me just showing up is a message in itself, you know. Because if I was still using or drinking, using and drinking, you know, I wouldn't be showing up, you know. I wouldn'T be having seizures anymore. I was on, you know, you've about had your last seizure, Scott, you know, the next one's going to be serious, that kind of stuff, you I haven't had a seizure in almost ten years. So I don't worry about them a lot anymore. Every once in a while, I still think about it a little bit. This would be a good night to have a seizure. They'd really be entertaining men. And there was a whole guy down in Roseville who used to call me the entertainer. And as soon as I found out he called me that, I stopped entertaining him. You know, I got serious about everything. I don't know. Usually I either talk a lot about what it was like or I talk a little bit about what I'm doing. now. But it's not very often I get to talk about what it was like, what happened and what it's like now. Because all the results aren't in yet. I'm still tabulated. But I I find that it's necessary, it's vital that I tell you what it was like for me. Because if I tell you what it's like now for me and you don't know what it was like, it doesn't mean much. It's kind of like aside from the fact that I practice the principles of a program that's spiritual in nature on a daily basis and do my very best Just to stay clean and sober. And every day is a miracle. Outside of that, I live a pretty normal lifestyle. You know? So if I tell you what my life is like tonight, and you don't know what it used to be like, see I'm an addict alcoholic of the hopeless variety you know all my life I've been a hope to die dope fiend you know and I guess that's the way I wanted it well that's the way it had to be I don't think I ever wanted it like that I didn't say oh good good. If you're going to be a dope fiend, be the very best money can buy. Maybe if you're real good at it, they'll let you be a convict. I want to be an ideal inmate when I grow up. It's just the way things turned out, you know? But I lived for drugs and I used drugs to live. And there was some controversy when I came into recovery about where I should do my time in recovery. When I got here, there's a guy C.W. running around these hills. He knows what it was like, you know? He had to inform me that I no longer had an anchor on my ass, you know. And that if I wanted to drink or use, that was okay with him, you know. That was my choice. But if I did that, keep going, you You know, just keep on going. But when I came in, it's like they said, well, did you substitute drugs for alcohol? I said, no. They said, Well, you say you drank like, you know, I tried to put away a quarter day. what I'd buy is a half gallon I'd by half gallon of vodka a day I didn't always drink at all but I always drank as much of it as I could you know and you know and I tried to get over to my brothers as often as I couldn't because he was like my connection and he'd get the class A's he's been a methadone at it forever you know about 15 years off and on mostly on you know and I'd go over and we'd do other drugs together and it's like they said yeah well you talk about doing as much of a quarter as you possibly could a day and you talk about doing these other things like Percodan and stuff like that were you substituting no No. I said, well, how do you explain that? I said. Well, you don't understand. I supplemented alcohol with other drugs. And I supplementing other drugs with alcohol. You know, because sometimes, sometimes that shot of gum opium, you know, wasn't quite enough and you needed a couple of what they call hookers. You needed a couple of hookers to ease the pins and needles. Some of you know. So I supplemented. So there was some controversy about whether they were going to stick me. And I ended up in Morris' Good Graces back there. They tricked me all the way up the mountain. You know, they tricked me all the way to here. I guess it's most important that I'm here. My first smoked pot when I I was 13, and it was a spiritual experience for me. I felt music for the first time. And I liked it. I liked that. And I remember the first times I did amphetamine when I went to school. I was a freshman in high school. I did amphetamines and I went to school and I felt compassion for the first time, you know? I was running up and down the hallways crying, you know? Crying. And people would say, what are you crying for? I said, I'm not crying because I'm sad. I'm crying because it's a good thing. Because I love you all so much, you know? And it's kind of like that was a turning point for me, you know. Up until then, my mom had always said, you know, you're lazy. You're lazy, you are unmotivated. Sometimes, you know, sometimes you are so lazy I can't stand to be around you. And I fixed that, you You know, I thought she had 500 dexamil in her jewelry box. And it's what I call motivational therapy. You know? I got motivated. You know she'd wake up at 6 in the morning and I'd say, Hi mom, coffee's on the stove. Made you an egg sandwich. And I cleaned all the cracks in the towel while you were sleeping. how's that for motivation she never trusted it though always waiting for the other shoe to fall you know but uh you know speed set me free amphetamines I like amphetamine and And I hadn't been doing them too long, and some guy showed me how to inject them. And I was one of those cats that said, I would never, never, ever, ever stick a needle in my arm, you know? Until, you now, he says, wait a minute, you're never going to believe the way this feels. You know? I said, well, okay. You know, I'll let you try to convince me one time. The reason I talk about drugs, I don't try to glorify drugs. I tell you what it's like and I try to hook it up to what it is like in sobriety. Because, you know, I've had connections in sobrietty. Sobriety didn't just happen instantaneously. Recovery, my clean time, it didn't start saying, you now, bless you, go forth and sin no more. It's like a bunch of people you know turn me on you know and I'd say God I don't believe this sobriety I don' t believe this you know this this is a new world man and someone like Morris would say whoa wait till you do the fourth step you know and I say the profound stuff Stuff like, oh, I'll never settle for a third step only again. You know? That's the way I've done in sobriety. I came in here and I got hungry. I got angry because it worked. And it's, you know, when you come to, when you realize that you're a hopeless, quote, hopeless bastard, you know? And you find some ray of hope. You know, it just kind of all breaks loose. And if you're not gathering hope on a constant, consistent daily basis, it becomes painful real quick. You know? Because it's like, I don't know if you can understand it, but it's Like that darkness is ever looming. You know that darkness of the same old crap. You know I'd experienced the same ol' crap so long. I got here. They said, don't you want peace and harmony in your life? What a wonderful way to live. I said, no, I don't care about that crap. I've made it 29 years without it. What do I want with it now, you know? I said I just want something different. I need it to be different. I just wants some semblance of chaos in my life. I just want to know when the next flack's coming so I can duck. You know, that's all I was looking for and I got a lot more. You know? I got motivated when I was in high school. I set records when I wasn't high school, I didn't use drugs because I was stupid. You know I was a straight A student class president most popular kid in school when when I was in 6th grade. And that meant something to me, you know? Little old ladies would say, you must be very proud of your son, you know, and they'd pat me on the head. And I would deem, you know, and liked it. And then I'd go rob the paper stands. You know, but you know, I didn't use drugs because I was stupid. I didn'T I didn't use drugs because I was ugly. I didn' t use drugs primarily because they were there, and like Brian said, because they worked, because they set me free. And one of the records I set at Novato High School down in Marin County, which isn't too far from San Mateo, I remember, I'm not real familiar with San Mateo County. We used to consider San Mateu County line that invisible, that thin invisible line that once you cross over, you may never come back. I used to go to San Bruno a lot. When I came back from Missouri, my brother lived in San Bruno and it was right off the freeway. and I'd go to San Bruno and I might not come out for several days, you know, because usually he had drugs and stuff there. You know, of course that's why I went there. But you don't have to know my brother. It's kind of like one night he cooked dinner for me for about 18 hours. And I had to leave before it was finished, I love my brother a lot he's been through a lot I think he's almost here he's almost here I'll tell you the truth were it not for my brother I wouldn't be here my brother is one of the people that helped me get here but I use drugs in Marin County County. I cut school in Marin County because we live kind of close to the beach and everybody knows God lives at the beach, especially when you're 16 and you're doing amphetamines and grass and Seagram 7, you know. We substituted those things for each other all the way to the beach and back, you know. And I remember one day I got busted for this record I had established. It was for cutting one class. I cut one class 135 days. And it was kind end of a trip because when I got busted, you know, I know how it was for you. I'll keep saying I don't know how It was. I know How It was for You because You're sitting here. You know? It was basically like It was For Me. You know, I know if you guys weren't hopeless also, you don't come here on a women's street. You've heard that a thousand times, right? I was tricked here. I was more willing to go to prison than to come to here. Take me to prison and at least I'll survive. there. I know I can survive there. You know? Ain't no telling what those suckers be doing in their name meetings, you know? Burning incense and stuff, you know? But I was hoping that I'd get caught. I was really, I was tired of running, you Because I wasn't going to the beach anymore. I just couldn't go to class, and I didn't have any other place to go, so I'd just hide seventh period every day. And I was praying they'd catch me so it would be over with. Finally on the 135th day, they busted me, and the teacher says, How did you do this? How did 135 days, Scotty? I said, well, I cut the first day to go to the beach. The second day, I didn't have a note for the first day. So I cut again. And this is not all day. This is just one period. This ist just seven periods every day. I was at school every day and I just cut last period. I said so the second day I cut again and then the third day I couldn't come up with a valid excuse for missing one period two days in a row so I cut the third day to give me some time to think. You know? And next thing I know, it's 135. You know, and that's the way I use drugs. You know it's like I didn't need a reason to use the first time. I didn' t need a reaon. It's just you know you just do it and the second one is because you've already done the first one it's kind of like a commitment. You know. Then you do a third one, the next thing you know it's 135. And you're coming to in a hospital. I don't know how many of you have done it, but you come to on a gurney in a hospital, and their lights are different. You open your eyes, you know where you are. And then the nurse asks you the stupid question, Do you know Where You Are? you know and you say yeah I might be a dope fiend but I ain't stupid you know of course I know where I am I just don't know how I got here you know you come to you know you're in a jail cell you know yeah I know where I'm from I am but could you tell me what county it is you know and that kind of stuff you know But, you know, that 135 stuff, that's the way I did. You know, when I turned 16, it was the peace and love movement. And I guess I was shooting for peace and Love, you know, or anything that even vaguely resembled it. But I come from an alcoholic home like Brian was talking about. And the anger is there and it ain't so bad until you find out that not everybody lives like that, you know? And you come home and you try to share with your family. Oh, I was at some people's house. They had a weird family, you Know? Mom tucks the kids in at night. You know, and the kids, the 10- and 11-year-old kids don't cook dinner for the whole family and stuff like that. You know it's weird, you know. And it was kind of like going to Oz for a night. You know hey next time I spend the night over here can I bring my little sister? You know she loved this, you never seen nothing like this, but you know you don't talk You don't trust, you don't feel, you know, it's just anything's legal. You know, living in a dope-fiend family isn't really too bad because anything's legal as long as you meet the two primary requirements. You know? As long as we don't get caught or we don' t have too much fun. Those are the two cardinal rules, you kno? And even if you get caught, you can get over if you look remorseful enough. You know? Or even if you have too much fun, you can't get over as long as you don't get caught. But, you know, it's like if you get caught for having too much time, you're in trouble. You know, you're no longer part of the family, you know? But it's like, that's where I grew up. And my stepdad, I had several stepdads, all of them alcoholic. And they considered that I was developing criminal attitudes and criminal skills. You know, and I was destined to lead a life of crime. And when I think about it, you know, they were at least uncanny skills. It's like I have the ability to be able to tell 59 Ford station wagon headlights from 150 yards away because that's kind of the car the old man drove. I'd be out on the street, you know, don't you go out in the street. You might as well, you knows, please go out on a street as soon as I leave, you now. Because that's what had happened. You know, I'm the kind of person you tell me don't. I got to, you know, what am I missing, you know? But I'd be able to tell the headlights when they were coming around the corner, you know? And I pretended like I slept a lot. And I did some mean things to my stepdad. Of course, at the time, I thought he deserved every rank thing I ever did. I'm a stepdad now. now. I got a 15-year-old kid that does things to me, you know? And I go to this counselor and I say, hey, he's doing it to me again. And she says, stop. He's only 14 years old. He's not quite 15 years old. I said, you better tell him that. You know? He's doing stuff I was doing when I was 28, you know? But, you now, I had those abilities. We used to put raids on the Donut Man, you know, in Nevada when it was still a small town. At 4 in the morning, the Donat Man used He used to come up to the Purity store in our neighborhood and just wheel a big rack of pastries up against the front of the store. And then he'd get in his truck and he'd drive away. And we'd come out of the bushes and we'd just take all these donuts and feed all the kids on the street, you know? It was like the donut connection. You know? I never got busted for that. I never, you don't know. You know, you can go to prison for doing stuff like that. Dealing donuts to minors. You know, I never thought about it. And when I got into drugs, that's the way it was, you know? I never taught about dealing drugs to minores, you know? To this day, if people say, did you deal drugs? Were you a dealer? No. You know? But it's like, a lot of drugs flowed through my hands and a lot money flowed in my hands, but it It was like, it was on a communal basis, you know? And it was out of love and compassion from my fellow men. You know? My mom had a jewelry box with 500 dexamyl in it that my aunt gave to her because she had problem losing weight. And my aunt just dumped these 500 dexymyl on my mom and no one ever came and took my mom away and noone ever came and took me aunt away and noon said nothing about it you know so I was a minor you know so that's just part of the deal I guess but one of my values when I was 20 years old was you don't ever, ever, ever sell controlled substances to an unmarked narcotics agent. You know? And I stuck by it. You know, I mean sure I stuck needles in my arm but I wasn't untrustworthy or anything, you know, I still had these values. You know You know, and when I, I guess when I was 18, my dad had just passed away from cirrhosis of the liver, alcoholism. And it was nasty. You know it was nastier. I know a lot of people had, when we'd geez, everybody worried about hepatitis. You know Everybody worried about hepatitis And you know This guy's shitting white He's been shitting White for a month And he pees like root beer And it's grotesque And you can't get off the bed And he's swollen My dad was like that for about three years It was like every junkie Every speed freak I'd ever run with All rolled up in one And it was painful It's kind of like my dad When I looked in his eyes I knew he was dying, and there wasn't anything I could do about it. The difference between then and now is I see people on a regular basis come in to the fellowship, and I see that they're dying. But I know that something can be done about it, I know just the fact that they are coming in here, there's hope. They've got a chance of getting better. I never got to see my dad do that. And, you know, what you've got to understand about my dad is he was the most important person in my life. I loved him. You know, he represented everything that was good about humanity to me. You know? He was strong, spiritual, and wise, you Know? And I watched him die, you Now? And I got loaded with him a couple times. I used to say, Hey, Dad, why don't you smoke reefer with me? It's better than that red port. Damn! damn, you know. I drank Red Port when I was five years old and it left a mark on me. It kind of scarred me, you Know. Of course, I drank it out of a teapot. I don't know how, you Now. But I thought, How do you hold out 47 years drinking that crap, Dad? You Know. But he passed away, you Know. And I guess that's when my feelings started kicking in. I'd always had some feelings, you Know. But I kind of got used to them happening when I used amphetamines or happening when I smoked grass or happening When I drank too much vodka or whatever, you know. But it's kind of like now feelings were happening and it didn't matter what kind of drugs I used the feelings happened anyway. And what happened for me is like this big hole developed. It felt like a hole. you know, and I don't know. It's kind of like when you talk to someone and you say, look at that movement over there, and they say, well, can you see it? And I say, no, I can't see it, but I feel it. I feel that there's something happening over there. Check it out. You know, that's the way this hole was, you know. And it hurt and it was raw and it stunk. You know? It's stuck, and sometimes the stench got real. Speed freaks, sometimes if you've been on a run for several weeks, you know, maybe you're not eating real nutritious foods. You know? Yeah, cereal. You know, you come to... But it's kind of like, you've been on this run, right? And your body starts rotting inside. And this is a phenomenon that happens with drug users and people that are dying from terminal diseases. You know? And it's like I accidentally belted a social gathering and smelled like sulfur or rotten eggs. You know, and everybody would look at you. What's that smell? And you'd look around and say, yeah, what is that smell, you know? And it's kind of like it was a tangible thing that, yeah. It ain't going to last much longer. You know? I remember doing YMI. I don't know how many people ever did YMI, but God, it still hurts. but I used to do wine of mine you know and I'd walk into a room and it's like air wick is here you know what is that smell you know you go to take a bath and there's a yellow film floating on the water yeah who's been tampering with the tub you know uh but I never thought that, you know, I was damaging myself. You know, I thought it was this whole, I thought it was what my growing up in that family did to me, what going to Juvenile Hall when I was 16. You know? Did 30 days in Juveniles Hall. I did good time. You remember one night we had, I had big fun when I did time. I don't know about anybody else but I had big fun, you know. I was never happy. I was never happy, but I always did my best to have big fun. I remember in Marin County juvenile hall I helped four guys escape out a window and the last guy was going out and I was shoving on him and he wouldn't go and I wasn't I was getting mad you know and I came to find out that there was a counselor on the other side of the window pushing them back in And, you know, I'm trying to shove them out. And they came around and they busted us, you know, and they, they busted these other four guys and they said, and you were trying to get away too, weren't you, Lemon? I said, no, I was barefoot. You know, when I still had your orange sweater on, if I was going to get away, surely I'd be smarter than that. I said it ain't so bad here. You know those other guys needed to leave, You know, their time was up. You know? So I did stuff like that. And, you know, when I was 18, I got married to fill this hole up, you Know? And I had a child to fill his hole up and it still stunk. You know. It still hurt. And my baby boy, he's got the blackest eyes. He's got those kind of eyes that look purple when you look into them and it's like there's no bottom to him. You know, you look into his eyes and it is like looking down a well and he could see right to the pit of my existence and it scared me and I would have to turn my head away. And I loved him so much but I couldn't be close to him, you know. Because I hadn't realized my potential as a human being so I got a divorce and I left the boy and I moved up to Clay County where I didn't have to be arrested it anymore. You know, I lived in Kansas City at the time and we ripped and ran. And I know back streets. I don't know main streets. People used to ask me for directions and I'd tell them how to go. And they'd come back three weeks later and say, God, it took me six hours to make a 15 minute drive. You Know, I said, well, that's that's the way they showed me. me. Of course, we did it all with mirrors. But I got arrested like 11 times in an 18-month period of time. Right after I turned 18, the first time a week after my 18th birthday, I got arrest. I spent three days in the city jail. They let me out. What was the next special special occasion after my birthday, probably my son's birth. My son was born in July. I went to jail for three days. And people say, oh, it's President Washington's. It's Washington's birthday. And I said, oh God, don't say that. It means I've got to go to jail again. You know? Every special occasion I'd end up in jail and I got afraid that they were going to keep me there. You know, and they let me out of jail after three days and I'd be running. I'd say, I'll never do that again. And I got divorced and I moved up north of the river in Clay County where Jesse James used to live. Jesse James and Scott F. Lemon. You know? You know, and I got arrested up there. They were pretty good about it. They only arrested me once. And what they arrested me for is for selling to an unmarked narcotics agent. Which I would never do. They indicted me. I was indicted by the grand jury and arrested with 13 other guys. and we were the most organized drug ring ever apprehended in Clay County, Missouri. And we were so organized none of us knew any of the other guys. But we got to know each other. You know? And at that time sales of methamphetamine hydrochloride carried from one day in the county jail to ten years in the state penitentiary. and I had seven months worth of minimum sentence and when I was in sixth grade I was a straight A student most popular kid in the school and class president so even if they found me guilty I knew they'd let me out after seven months and they didn't you know because I forgot about President Nixon in Washington doing all that stuff about about, you know, these drug dope fiends, these whole di-dope fiendz, you now. So I was the only one that didn't cop a plea. I was he only one who went to a jury trial out of the 14 guys that got arrested. And they gave me maximum sentence and sent me to state penitentiary in Jeff City. city. And that was kind of a, that exposed me to social drinking and social drug use. You know, in this penitentiary we made wine, I made wine 20 gallons at a time. They stopped making wine because I made superior quality wine. And I had access to different drugs And, you know, you do that stuff there. And I got out and I never wanted to go back until it came time to come into recovery. And I thought, God, don't do that to me. Send me back to the penitentiary, please. You know? So I didn't know what to expect from you folks. You know. I did two years' time. They let me out. They sent me back to California. They said, we don't want you here. And seven years before that, California says, go back to Missouri. Stay with your old man. We don't wants you here So I felt rejected in two states. I think I'll eat some worms. You know, that kind of stuff. But I came back and at first I did okay. I did okay. I was a hero of my family, you know, because I survived that bad old penitentiary. And I did good times. I was an ideal inmate. They did a psychological evaluation on me at Jeff City. The guy came down and he said, You'll be an ideal inmates. You'll get along good with the administration. You'll along good the other inmates. I said, Oh, that's good. And they said, no, that's bad. I said, why? They said, well, you might like it here and decide to spend the rest of your life in places like this. I said no. You know, I remember going up for the parole board after being down for about two years. And I was going to be the first person in the state of Missouri to ever get made parole on a 10 year sentence the first time up. I said to myself if they don't let me out I'm going to teach them a lesson I'm just going to run down the walkway and cut people's heads off that'll teach them and they talk to me at this parole board and they make you stand at the head of the table and they let you know they got your heart in their hands you know, they can do anything they damn well want to with you and they said well evidently you think you're somebody special Mr. Lemon I said you betcha when I was in 6th grade I got straight A's I was 5th president I was the most popular kid in school you know and when I went to work for the sewage treatment plant in Kansas City I was the hot shot sewage operator and if you guys hadn't interfered in my life I'd be somebody today this guy I don't know if he'd ever been to the program but he did a very programmed thing that's old timey talk for Ray Vaughn you lunatic just keep coming back you ever see him do that You know, it's a language all their own, you know. And they won't tell you what it means. You've got to stick around long enough so that you can do it to someone else and then you know what it mean. You know? And this guy says, well, Mr. Laman, we're going to give you a year to change your attitude. You know. And I didn't cut nobody's head off. and I just I was sad you know and I talked to another guy there's another guy in the program down in Sac he used to play handball off the gas house wall at MSP you know those guys used to run by it they'd have to walk by it to go to child that's cruel and inhuman punishment I think, I don't know about you But it's like, let's go to dinner, you know. And there's the gas house. You know, I know guys that walk by like that, you know. But this guy, he and I spend a lot of time, and people say, you now, which do you change first? The attitude or the behavior? Everybody on this side, got to change your attitude first. If you've got a dirty, rotten attitude, you're going to, you don't have to change it. And all these people say you've Got to change your behavior. You've got to act your way to better thinking. And I've been here, and I hadn't really made a decision on that. All I decided is, you know, I took care of that controversy about where I belong. I belong where I am right now. I go where I want to be. And people love me and want me and need me. That's beside the point. I cleared that up. But for a long time in recovery, I hadn't cleared up this question about what you change first, the behavior or the attitude. Old Andy walked up to me one time and he says, You know what, Scott? That's a good point. He says, I think I've got a solution. I think we'll share this solution. And I trusted him because he'd done time at MSP. He was recovering. He was clean and sober with a little time. and I trusted him because he was about half wacko too you ever trust anybody that's all the way there you know he says I got the solution he says you know he says my attitude didn't get me locked up my actions got me locked up but my attitude kept me locked up So get on Get on I don't have to do time anymore You know I work on my attitude a lot You know I got people that love me And it don't matter what anybody else Anywhere in the whole world does to me Cause I got some place to go They repossessed my car this morning You know, I had the money in my hand. I'm a little irked about it, you know? Brian talks about, I sense that you're angry about that. Some counselor told me once, I sense it, you're angered. I said, you're wrong, buddy. This is not anger. Anger is when I ball my chair up and put it in the middle of your desk and when I walk out the door it's hanging on the hinges. This is no anger. This is just not anger, you Know? Anyway, this tow truck operator angered me a little bit today. And there was no reason for that. I had the money in my hand. But I don't know where he's going to go if his conscience bothers him. I come here. I come to hear you. and I guess if he showed up I ain't seen him yet but my wife promised she'd point him out to me if we ever run into him but I guess if he came in the door I'd love him too because that's what gets me better because I love all you folks and I used to think I think that the mark of the quality of my life and how successful I was as a human being was how many people love me on this earth. I got a lot of people that love me, but that's not it. That's not the measure of my success as ahuman being. The measure of mine success as an human being is how many people I love to the best of my ability on a daily basis. So if you're here tonight And you get a chance to touch hearts with me Maybe we've done some of that But I'm into hugs I plant hugs I got this latest thing Come on, let's split a hug I kind of like it That way you win and I win too But if we get a change We have a chance To bump hearts during this whole thing hey, you know, I'll be a better person for it. You know, I intend to keep coming back, you know. You know Morris taught me a lot of things. Morris was kind of, he kind of drugged me around, you know against my will. You know. I never really called them names. I used to murder a lot. You know, that's newcomer talk. You know? Yeah, I'll go, but I won't like it. You know. That's the equivalent. That's a newcomer equivalent to... You know! Check it out. Next meeting you go to, you know, pick you out a newcomor and watch them for the whole meeting and pick you out an old-timer and kind of... It's like a tennis match. Oh, yeah. Oh, right, yeah, yeah." You know? The thing about it is there's room for all of us. You know, and more is taught me about loving people and about praying for people. You know. And I no longer find it necessary to develop the overwhelming desire desire to snatch people's lungs out anymore. I went to Morris one time and I said, Morris says, pray for the person that you have a resentment against. So you don't understand, Morris. If I come face to face with this guy, I'm snatching his lungs out. Morris says while you try this this. And he, you know, uh-huh, uh‑huh. You know? It made me crazy, you know? And it was like, okay, I'll try it, but when it don't work, it's your fault, buddy. You know? And my first prayer was, you know, I hope the sucker gets it. You know? More says pray that he gets everything you want. And I said, he's already got it. He's got my wife, my car, my house. You know? Everyone says, uh-huh. You know. He says, you want to go to a meeting, Scott? And I say, well, I thought about spending some time with my family. He goes, uh huh. He says. You must want to get drunk. Oh no, that's the last thing I want to do. He said, people that don't want to go to meetings want to get drunk. Want to get loaded. You don't have to like it. No one said nothing about liking it. People say, well, the answer to everything is acceptance. I must accept you as a human being. I don't have to like you, but I must accept you. You don't need to like me. You don' t have to accept anything. You know? IRS comes to send you that letter. You don''t have to except it. Throw it in the garbage. You know, you don'''t have except nothing. It don'''t change your reality. I'll tell you that. You know. I never excepted going to jail. Didn't keep me from doing the time. For a long time, I didn't accept a higher power. It didn't keep me from being spiritual. You know? Human beings are by their nature, their very nature, spiritual entities. The definition of spirit is breath of life. Drinking and using if you're still sucking air. You're a spiritual creature. Within three days of becoming a non-spiritual person, you don't have to worry about it. Everybody's going to know you're not spiritual anymore. You start smelling different. You get real stiff and real cool. Okay? So I encourage you, keep coming back. I always talk over. I never mean to. but I always you know just kind of rationalize it you know oh well they'll love me anyway and you always do you know but I love you I love you and that's important and I remember one meeting we talked in fact it was in Auburn huh I talked in a meeting and he started crying and made me cry and made him cry more and made me cry more. But our hearts touch and we don't see each other but once a year and once every two years. We keep coming back. If you want to touch hearts with us and if you want to associate with dope fiends of our variety you know you'll keep coming back too because the places we tend to go the places you will go if you don't keep coming back here I don't like to frequent anymore you know every time someone calls me up and says well you come to jail and see me first thing out of my mouth is I don' t like coming here to see you you know I'm not going to make Make it a habit of this. And you better change your habit of this. You know? I love you. You know, but I'd rather touch your heart out on the street. You know. So, I do that. You know this keeps us going. You Know it's not infallible. You know some of us do stuff clean that we have to pay for. You know. Well they call it wreckage to the present. God. You know? Which implies that there may even be wreckage of the future. You know, you develop healthy relationships, that changes, you know, the risk factor goes down. You know. Sometimes I think, you now, touching hearts is okay, it's other parts of your body that ain't too cool, you kno. but I ain't judgmental about it I love y'all thanks for being here and Brian thank you for sharing with us you uh I think you're about half the reason I got pumped up the other half was that Englishman behind you you know thing is he here even Englishmen become relatively trustworthy who it is. I love you all. Thank you so much.