The Steps Are Not a Suggestion but a Ripcord – Jack B.

My name is Jack Brennan. I'm an alcoholic. Hi y'all. And at the beginning of this meeting, I would like to make one thing very clear. I don't think that I'm an expert. I dont think that at all. And I'm not a person that's full of ego or anything like that I'm just a simple alcoholic and I came into Alcoholics Anonymous almost dead and 40 years later now I'm alive and that must prove something to somebody you know all I think that it proves is that Alcoholics Anonymous does work works real good if we allow it to and the problem I think think is that many people come into AA and they think that the criteria is to stop drinking. They think that that's the bottom line, and that's a big mistake. That's a fallacy. That's not the bottom-line at all. That is only the beginning. Any damn fool can get drunk, I mean get sober. It takes a lot of work and a lot doing to learn how to live sober. And that's what the 12 steps of AA are all about. I do believe very sincerely that the 12 Steps of AA, are the program of AA. And AA by itself is two letters of the alphabet, that's all that it is. And it tells us in our preamble that our primary purpose is to stay sober and to help another alcoholic, and I think that that's the bottom line. And these steps tell us, in no uncertain times, what we must do in order to live a new way of life. And that is what Alcoholics Anonymous is—a new way of life! It's not just an endurance contest to see who can stay sober the longest. Now how these 12 steps came about is a very interesting bit. The first hundred Alcoholics Anonymous people, the first hundred members of AA were a very varied bunch of people. One day Dr. Silkwright, who was very close to all of them because he was very close to Bill Wilson when Bill first got sober, and he guided them very much. He was amazed that when Bill stayed sober and then when two stayed sober And then when three stayed sober, and he was just beside himself when it got up to 20 and 30 and 40, and then it was 100. And he was overwhelmed, Dr. Silkworth. And one day he said to them, this is the most amazing thing I've ever seen in my life, 100 sober alcoholics. And he said, it's just impossible, but there it is. And he knew then that it was a miracle, something was taking place. and as yet the name of Alcoholics Anonymous was not even in the picture. But Dr. Silkwhite worked with these first hundred and he asked them to sit down and please put down on a piece of paper how did they achieve this miracle, 100 sober alcoholics, when there was never ever before, not even one, nowhere in the world, not even once, when you were an alcoholic and you were doomed to death, that was it. either you wound up in a madhouse or dead or you wound up in an insane asylum or you just disappeared from the face of the earth there was no hope for the alcoholic now suddenly here was a hundred people sober and Dr. Silk White urged them sit down and put it down on a piece of paper because there's going to be many many more come after you people and he was right because now we have over a million and a half and that is the way the beginning of Alcoholics Anonymous and the 12 Steps. 12 Step's came into being because those first 100 people sat down and they discussed among themselves how that they had achieved a miracle. And that's why the 12 steps are in past tense. This is what we did, and that is what he said. This is how that worked, and this is how it worked. And it was a trial-and-error method, but it evolved to be what you see up there tonight behind me, the 12 step of AA. There have only been some very minor changes in the past 50 years. Very minor. I have home, I have the original version of the big book and it's a 12 steps are in it and of course it's just a little bit different where it says in a six step it said humbly on our knees we ask God to help us and relieve us of these character defects and a few other little things not important but what the idea was that these people set out a way of living for the alcoholic. Now, the alcoholic is a sick individual and when I say sick I don't mean sick in the head I don' t mean anything like that. It's a very real physical disease that we suffer from and a very physical disease fills us with a tremendous amount of fear and guilt and it's the first and foremost manifestation of the disease, ungrounded, unfounded fear. So we have to develop in our lives a way of living without fear and without remorse and without guilt. And in that manner then we can live with the disease that we have. It doesn't particularly bother us too much unless that we deviate and try to go back to what we used to do when we were drinking. In other words I could tell us in the fifth chapter there, how that it works. We try to carry our old ways into AA with us. It doesn't work. And I have also a little thing here that I love to read to people because it's quite startling, really. They say there are no musts in AA, and that's the most ridiculous statement I ever heard. There are no muss, but there are a hell of a lot of you bettors, and that is the way that works. and Bill in A.A. Comes of Age after 21 years experience of his own recovery wrote unless each member follows to the best of his ability I suggest the 12 steps of recovery he almost certainly signs his own death warrant drunkenness and disintegration are not penalties inflicted by people in authority they are the results of personal disobedience to spiritual principles and we must obey certain principles or we die and I read in an Australian it goes on to say here I read an Australian group paper of one member telling another that our steps were only suggestions only and which he could carry out or not as he pleased and the other member replied that in the last war he had been sent on a novice parachute course they were shown they were shown a parachute ready for a jump and the instructor had begged them always to keep in mind that once they had taken a jump the only thing between them and Satan was remembering to pull the ripcord he pointed out the ripcode on the parachute and four letters sewn underneath it it said pull P-U-L-L but of course you realize these letters are purely a suggestion now that is what I learned when I came into AA I asked my sponsor what I must do and he told me what I must do put the steps into my life as quickly as I could because there may be one day that I would be completely helpless and hopeless against the next drink and therefore I had to have a little something behind me to carry me through the bad times so I didn't wait and I didn' ask any questions I didn't debate all I did was do the best I could to put the steps into my life as quickly as I could because he also asked me when I said if you once should I start he said well oh how soon do you want to get better and that's a good answer how soon you want get better I wanted to get right off because you see when I started to sober up my mind was playing tricks with me I didn't know all of the things that I had done I had blacked them out in my mind but when the booze got out of system and out of my head, and reality started to set in, then I could see the things that I had done in my life. And it was not a very pretty picture. So I didn't like the stink of me too good. I stink pretty bad. And I didn' t like it and I couldn't stand it. So I had to get rid of my garbage just as quickly as I could and put in my place, put in place of the garbage, I had put a little faith and a little hope, something that I didn't have when I arrived at AA. But when I arrived here at AA, I started immediately to do the best that I could to put these and understand these steps. Now years later, I can see where a lot of people make a mistake because everybody doesn't come into AA from the Bowery in New York. And AA is a paradox, and those people that could save themselves a hell of a lot of trouble by coming in very early, before they have much trouble, they don't. They come in and take a look, and maybe they say, well, I'm not as bad as that, so they go out and they leave again. Then they come back later much worse. And so that's the paradox of AA. I came in from the Bowery. I had no place else to go. It was either come into AA and live or stay outside and die. But that's a pretty stupid way for anybody to come into AAA. Now, I mean, that'sa very ridiculous way. I fought coming into AA and I fought not drinking because I didn't like the idea of my father's drinking and he to me was the epitome of nothing and if I admitted that I couldn't drink then I would be like my father so I decided that I was going to find out how to drink without getting in trouble needless to say I never did but I went through a hell of a lot of trouble to find to that one conclusion, to come to that one conclusion that booze was too much for me. One drink was too many and 500 was not enough. So when I came into AA I arrived here sick and I arrived here half dead and I arrived here with the sight gone in one eye and my hands shaking so bad that I couldn't hold a cup of coffee and my head a turmoil and I had not a friend in the world nor a penny won and I arrived here AA at that store. So for me to stand up here tonight and talk to you people, and for you to sit there and listen is another miracle really because I shouldn't be here. I should be dead a long time ago. But not only am I alive but it's been my good fortune to be alive and to be happy. You see? And that's something that a lot of people aren't. And I'm happy because of that first little thing that i told you here tonight my primary purpose to stay sober and help other alcoholics and that's the name of the game as far that i'm concerned sees i don't worry much about anything in this world except when an alcoholic calls then i have to have the answer for him and in order for me to have he answered and i must have traveled the road that i want to explain to him and i can't explain anything to anybody if i haven't traveled that same road and that That goes for the 12 steps of AA. You can't advise anyone what to do in AA if you haven't done it. So therefore that 12th step, to me, is a very important step and the 12th steps says that Well, excuse me, but I don't want to make honey boo-boos here. Have you hooked that up there somewhere do you think? One of you tall guys? I know a good place to hang it. You're going to hang that like this? If you put it on the other side. You're a good boy, Kevin. The twelfth step says having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps we try to carry this message to alcoholics and to practice these principles in all our affairs I didn't do anything did I do something? oh that's all right then a little man in there is there Jesus so you can see it You can see very clearly from what the steps tell us that the 12th step there is a culmination of something, it's the end of a period where a learning period for the alcoholic having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these 11 steps previous to 12. what is a spiritual awakening as a spiritual Awakening to me is when the alcoholic becomes useful in this world he becomes wanted needed and loved that makes him spiritual and if he's a spiritual individual at the end of the twelfth step he will be a spiritual individual he may come in here as i did and step one blank nothing absolutely useless hopeless hopeless chronic alcoholic but by putting steps into my life i became spiritual because people then didn't want me need me and love me and being that i had changed i could tell other people how to change i could tell them what i did in certain given situations now the first nine steps here are where the alcoholic calls himself out a new life a new he carves out he takes those nine steps and he does to himself what no doctor psychiatrist psychologist mother father priest minister and nobody can do it for him but he can do is for himself and that's what happens with the first nine steps that's our new way of life that we have carved out and each life of course is a little different because a man that's married with three children against the single person he may need a little bit more this one a little bit less of that one but we all must put those steps into our life and i say must it's not a suggestion it's a must you have to do it if you want what we have and that's what it says there in that fifth chapter how it works if you want what we have then you must do as we did and these are the steps that we took and if you wanted you follow you don't want it it's okay too you do what you want quite a free program come go go out and get drunk do as you please but if you want what we have then this is what we did that's what you do it's very clear in my mind but it's very much overlooked to a lot of people a lot of people says well i wasn't as bad as that bum brennan so i don't need to do this and i don t have to do that and what happens to them they run around they're very unhappy people they're miserable people they play in russian roulette with their lives and if you don't believe it then you go home and talk to their wives and see because the wives at home are very much upset this guy's coming today he stopped drinking he put the cork in a bottle that's all he's done he's still the same arrogant bum that he used to be and if this is what it is then it doesn't work it's not what we came for but we came to aa to live to learn how to live a new way of life so the first and nine steps are our guide to our new way of life and they make us spiritual the last three steps are what we would call a maintenance step where one day we'll have to use the maintenance step to touch up our our life that we've created for ourselves in the first nine because as we go along we can see that in the four we make a searching and fearless model inventory of ourselves but as we grow along we start to remember more and more and more of what we did, things that were buried in our subconscious. And one day we might be driving a car down the highway and all of a sudden something will come back to us that we hadn't even thought of for years. Some nasty thing that we had done to somebody or somebody we had hurt. And you don't then go back to do step four again because you have a safety valve in step ten. And step ten is a safety vow continue to take place and when we were wrong we promptly admit it. So I don't go down the highway when I drive a car now, thinking of what gear I've got to put it in when I get to the corner. I do it quite automatically. It's very easy now. But it was hard when I started to learn how to drive. I had to push in a clutch and put it into first gear and let the gas in slowly and let it clutch out slowly. And I jerked the car along and I did a lot of stupid things. And I made left-hand turns when I was supposed to make right. and it was a very hard thing for me to learn how to drive but now I drive very rapidly I don't even think about it and I compare it too to a girl that is a secretary in the office are you going into an office, I go into many offices and I see these girls sitting there typing and man they're going along faster than I can talk, they can type and they don't look at it like they're reaching over there and answering the telephone typing with one hand, yes that's right and back again all automatic So this is how that we learn to live automatically. We don't go along each day and say now what are we doing in this case, what I do in that case, how do I treat this person? How do I do it? It becomes a way of life for us, very simple and easy gentle way to live but first we must get rid of the garbage. The first three steps one two and three are decision steps whereby we just make decisions inside in our heart and they said we admitted we were powerless over alcohol and life had become unmanageable. And it doesn't say how unmanagable. If you're in a bar and you can't get out of there, and you're late for your supper or your tea for four or five days running or twice a week you don't make the train home, your life is unmanangeable if it's caused by booze. So you don�t have to be a big alcoholic like me or a big bum like me. You could be a little bitty alcoholic and still have an unmanegeable life, you see. My life was very unmanageable and i admitted i was powerless over alcohol a long time but i figured i put a little a little hook on that first part of that step i said yes my life was unmanegeable but because because of my wife because of the police because of no job because it is because had an excuse until the last time when i looked at i said my life is just pivvy and unmanangeable on account of booze. So now, when I have people that come into AA, new people, I always urge them to think about very seriously what you're talking about. What are you talking about when your life is unmanageable? Do you mean that it's unmanagable just for the moment? And that when you get the wrinkles out of your belly and get a few bucks in your pocket it won't be unmanangeable anymore? No. A lot of people think that. So they come to AA and They stay sober for a little while, and then they go out and they try again. They're trying to beat the bottle. And so then I would urge these people to realize what you're trying to beat. You're tryingto beat a disease that's irreversible. You can't beat it. And I never heard of a diabetic, and our disease is very similar to diabetes in that it's a chemical disease. Very similar to diabetes because the same incidence takes place one, four to one greater chance that one of the children will be an alcoholic if there's a history same exact diabetes and alcoholism same thing order one greater chance and also that the alcoholic pools is disease the same as the diabetic pulls his disease and you'll find the predominance of diabetes in the world is restricted to the Jewish race and you find out that alcoholism is restricted to not the Irish race, but the fair-haired Nordic races. Irish is among them. My father used to say there's no use to be Irish if you can't drink. And that was the way he lived. But you see, the alcoholic pulls his disease because the alcoholic generally marries a person that is sympathetic toward the alcoholic. And that's unbelievable, but I have seen women their husband dies an alcoholic and they're very glad to give it and they turn around and marry another one. And it happens time after time after time. And in this manner, the alcoholic pulls his disease because an alcoholic will generally marry, a fair-haired person will generally marry one of the fair-head races. A Norwegian will marry a Norwegian, Irish will marry Irish and they pull the disease of alcoholism. And a Jewish race will do the same because Jewish girl marries Jewish boy and they pool their disease too. So that's why it's kind of relegated one to the other. one has the predominance of diabetes one has predominance of alcoholism so anyway to make a long story short when we admit we are powerless over alcohol I always urge people to think about it think about what you're saying because if unmanageable today be unmanangeable tomorrow there's no turning back in this disease very progressive disease so step number one when you take step number one theoretically that should be the end of your problem should be the end of it because after that if you take a drink then something is wrong you have gone back they've taken back your step number one so step number two says came to believe that the power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity and that power I believe as my sponsor told me was the power of the group I came here helpless and hopeless and I found hope in the group hope in the group that doesn't say anything in there about a power a higher power it says only a power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity and that power of course later on we come to believe and remember and know that it's the man upstairs working through people so it goes back to God but in the second step I never tell anybody about God in the 2nd step because sometimes they can't handle it they can't handle God so they go away and they figure it's a program of religion and that's it so anyway the second step tells me that the power greater than myself will restore me sin that was that little Jewish fellow Sam Cohn, my sponsor he was sober and he was willing to teach me how to live so I hung on to Sam Cahn and one day he got to the third he came to the first step and he asked me Jack what are you going to do about the third step and I said I knew you'd get to that and the third step says that made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as I understood him as we understood him well I looked at him and I said Sam I said why do you have to worry about you know God he said because it's in a step he said you've got to take the third steps you've gotta turn your life and will over to care of god because if you're left on your own Jack you don't know how to you don'T know how TO live and you've GOT to have somebody POWERED greater than you outside of you to teach you how to live and protect you and put your faith in he asked me he said do you have any money in your pocket and I said yeah I got a few bucks I got a couple of dollars and he said good and I see you have shoes on too because I didn't have shoes when I got here and I say yeah I've got shoes Sam and he says you also have a nice pair of pants? I said, yeah. And you got a shirt? Yeah. And you got it and you got to room Do you have a room? I said, Yeah, you're not sleeping in the street no more. No. And he said, also, you eating pretty good? Are you? I said, Yes. I'm washing dishes in a restaurant. And when I finished my day's work, give me a meal and it's pretty good. I eat pretty good. He said, Oh, that's not no more blood from the stomach. I said no. And I couldn't figure out what he was driving at and then he said to me well who do you suppose is doing all these nice things for you Jack and I said you and the rest of the group he said no you wrong we knew nothing for you and then he got a little nasty with me he said you know you are pretty thick and he said you Irish and you're pretty sick and he said but I'm will tell you something you better remember it the man upstairs saw fit to have me go out find you on a Bowery and bring you here to AA because that you asked for it he said you had somebody called and they called and a guy upstairs alerted me that somebody needed help and I went out and got you and I carried you here AA and he said I put you down here with Jean and myself we put you here in AA and we've done nothing else for you and he said but now you stand there and you tell me she's got money in your pocket shoes on your feet clothes on you got a room you're eating and you're working and he says Jack you've got to be great you got to grateful to somebody and it's not me he said when I brought you here I put you under the scope at a higher power and he said like a great light and he so when you come into a a meeting you come under the care of God and the man upstairs has been giving you all these good things and now you don't want to even turn your life and will over to him do you want more of the good things to continue I said of course I do he said good then you do like I tell you to do and I did he told me to go out that night not take the bus he said walk home and while you walk home you talk to your friend upstairs and tell him how grateful you are for what that you have and go over what you have with him and tell him thank you he said at least you can do so I did that that night excuse me instead of taking a bus I walked and it was a long walk too it was quite a long walk came from 4th Avenue in Brooklyn over to 21st Avenue in Brooklyn and those are all long avenue blocks it's a long way to go and it was cold but I went out there and I walked and I spoke to my friend upstairs and I went over my life kind of with him and I said you know all these rotten nasty things I've been doing I said I don't understand why that you're so good to me I really don't understanding it I don' t deserve it and I say a lot of people over there you know deserve a lot more than I do but I'm getting it I dont know why I don understand it at all and I understand it now, I think because he had work for me to do 12 steps, don't you see so anyway, what happened was I told my friend upstairs that night I said from now on whatever happens in my life whatever it is that you want me to do, you let me know and to the best of my ability I'll do it now I would be a liar if I told you that I do that all the time that's not true because I'm a human being and many times I say to my friend upstairs well it becomes very obvious what I got to do very obvious I can't get away from it I have to and I just look at it and I say no this is not right and I tell him I say hey you made a mistake this time I'm going to do it but you're wrong and you know something he's never wrong because no matter what it looks like if I do it it works out right and that's the third step and whatever comes down that chute for me from Him is mine. I want it. And sometimes it looks real bad and sometimes it stinks and sometimes it's a terrible tragedy but always it turns itself around to be the proper thing for me the way it should be. Now, I lost a wife I lost my wife she died on me and I almost lost my crew when I did that when that happened but I suddenly remembered that now you see I started to shake my fist at the sky again and say, why? Why are you doing to me now, see? And suddenly it occurred to me because of my training in AA I was able to think a little bit and I thought, well, I've had that woman now for 24 years and she gave me a third child and we've had 24 good years together and I should never have had any of it but I had 24 Good Years with her. So why should I complain now that he took her? so you see my thinking was proper so I didn't blow up and I didn' t go mad I didn''t go crazy I didn ''t get drunk I just accepted and it came out beautifully well because that child that she gave me now is in New York and he's a doctor and he lives with babies and he''s an obstetrician and that''s what he does and everything just seems to be a pattern if you keep your hands out of it because my way of doing is always wrong always. My head goes fast, my hands always go faster than my head. I never think before I act. So I got to stop and I got to be quiet and gentle and think. And then after I took them first decision steps, Sam told me, he said you want to go on with this program now? You want some more? I said of course I do. So the next three steps now are where we do work with we. Nobody else, just we. No outside. And the first one is there for it has made a searching and fearless this moral inventory of myself. And it's searching and fearless as it could be. It could be fearless now because when I took the third step, I turned my life and will over to the care of God as I understand Him so who can bother me so I could walk without fear now. So I sat down with a piece of paper Sam advised me to do. He said, sit down and make a bunch of headings. Are you jealous of people? Are you a jealous person? Did you steal anything? are you a good father are you good husband and all these things that I put down here headings and then I started to fill in between the headings with actual things in my life that did I steal yeah I stole, stole a lot of things stole a ton of money a lot people say oh my god but don't forget one thing I said that this program is geared for each individual and there are people that never went out with a gun as I did and stole a lot of money but they have still stole time from their children and from their wives and from Their bosses and They have stole a Lot of happiness from a Lot Of people so you see stealing is just stealing all kinds of stealing so therefore the fourth step to me was a fearless marvel inventory and I thought marvel meant you know sex And I said, that's going to be easy for me Because who the hell wanted me for sex? Nobody Christ I couldn't make out in a Bedford State Reformatory For women with a handful of pardons For Christ It was one of those things And if I had two dollars there I wasn't going to share that with anybody Christ, some broad wanted a drink You buy your own get the hell away from me you know so sex was no problem with me and Sam straightened me out he said Jack it's not only sex he says you have moral obligations in this world that you have to take care of and I didn't know what he was talking about and he told me he says moral obligations he says Jack we have moral allegations to our children we have to be good fathers we have real point them in the right direction we have moral obligations to our neighbors we have moral obligations to our wives and our husbands and this was all news to me I thought moral was moral that's it, sex so then I got a different idea of what my moral inventory should be and I asked myself are you a good husband? no, hell no are you good father? no I never sat down with my children never did any homework with them and I'll tell you a little story here after I did this inventory of me one day I said to my wife I've got to be a better father and I said suppose I help the kids tonight with their homework he said ah that's nice yeah you could do that so I sat down with my boy and I says well I'm going to help you with your homework tonight John, Joe and he said oh that's good pop I said what are we going to do he said well we're going to do a little mathematics here and I say what's mathematics Joe and he said you know algebra Christ I didn't know what algebra was I never knew well I was lucky to add two and two so make out a check so I had to go back to my wife and tell her I don't know what the kid's talking about but he's teaching me she said forget about it just go ahead go to a meeting and forget about It I'll raise the kids so you see that was my fourth step I sat down and I made a list of me all the things in my life that I didn't like all the thing that I hoped and wished that I had never done and all the things that I feared most about people finding out about me see my life after that became a very open book because I looked at that program I looked at that fourth step of mine and I said to myself my God that's me now up until this time I had not ever looked at me never I looked at me and I looked at me and I always had an excuse for this and an excuse for that and if he hadn't done that that wouldn't have happened but now I had to face reality and that was me and I wasn't the big shot that I thought that I was you see and I was a very humiliating and humbling experience for me and when I put that piece of paper I folded it up and Sam he told me to keep it and hold on to it that you're going to have to have it later and he said to put it in the Bible because very few people read the bible nobody will ever find it there so i stuck it in the bible i left it there and uh later on it was a came in good use to me as soon as i finished my fourth step i called sam and i said sam i gotta talk to you so i figured you would come on over so i went over to the house on ocean parkway in brooklyn and he lived up on the fifth floor and he had a nice little kitchen and we sat down with a big pot of coffee and I told Sam all about me. All about me I held nothing back absolutely nothing I told him from all the garbage in my life I told them I did this and that and he sat there with his cigar and the ash grew big on it and he never moved never moved a muscle and when I was all finished he said is that all I said yes it's good let's have another cup of coffee didn't bother him at all And I thought that I was going to lose a friend And I taught all these terrible things That I was carrying in me All these years Afraid to share with anybody Now somebody knew me Just like I knew me And I want to tell you I walked out of that house And I was about four foot off the ground I just hit the ground All the way home Because I felt so good He was still my friend In spite of what I had told him He was my friend And what a beautiful feeling that was Lovely I'll never forget the exuberance that it brought to me It was a tremendous revelation to me That people could still like me And still love me in spite of me So, then I went on to six I was entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character And the defects of characters were those things that I was doing That I was not supposed to be doing As opposed to the seventh step which has humbly asked them to remove our shortcomings. The shortcomings were the things that I was supposed to be doing and I wasn't. Like taking care of my little kids when they were home and guiding them in a proper direction. And I was opposed to once in a while when my wife wasn't feeling well maybe pitching and help with the dishes a little bit. And I Was supposed to do the things around the house that needed to be done. And definitely was not supposed to be running out to AA seven nights a week to get out of the house, to get away from my obligations, my moral obligations that I had at home. So my sixth and seventh step, I was certainly ready to have God remove all these defects of character. I didn't like them. I looked at them, and I'll tell you what happened when I looked up my fourth step. The desire for a drink left me I at that time I hated booze because I looked and I saw that everything in my life that was garbage was caused by alcohol and I said that's it I said I don't want no more I don' care what happens I finished drinking I did that in step one but it really came strong to me in step four I never ever thought about a drink after that never because I saw what alcohol was doing to my life. All my problems were caused by alcohol. There was nothing good ever happened to me after I drank. Humbly asked to remove our short and then I made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all. Now a lot of people come into AA and they take a look at step number eight, they say that's the one I want. They run out and start ringing doorbells, get themselves a bust in the mouth somewhere along the line and then they come back and say AA don't work. Now we do these steps in order for us to feel better. Every alcoholic wants to feel better but you have to take them as they come, one to eight. In between if you just jump out and go on top of number eight you're gonna get in trouble because sometimes you'll be making amends or think you're making amens by writing letters or going up and saying I'm sorry and that's not making ammends. Now I looked it up in a book there what does making ammens mean? It says made a a list of all persons we had harmed. And harm means do damage to. And who do we harm? Harm mostly those close to us, those that shouldn't be harmed, we do harm. And then make amends to them all. And make ammends is repair damage. Now you tell me how you repair damage by going up and saying, I'm sorry. It's not. I've been saying I'm sorry all my damn life since I was born. I was born sorry. Everything I did, I am sorry. I am sorry. Every time I come home drunk, I would tell my wife the next morning, I told my mother, I am sorry, my father, my brother, everybody. I was always sorry, always apologizing. So evidently, and it's quite obvious that that's not the answer, that's not what they intended. What they intended to do was to repair damage. Now how do you repair damage and to who? If you owe money you pay it, you pay what you can. And if you have children that are going in every damn different direction then you've got to pull them back in line and you've gotta be a father to them and you got to straighten them out. And if you had a wife that's half crazy with fear of you, you got abide your time you got to very gently nice her back to help because this is what you created now my wife was a very lovely woman very quiet gentle woman I made an animal out of her I made and animal out of her she didn't she didn't have that care in his world when I married her she was a very happy lovely woman and I took her and I twisted her and i distorted her so bad and that she could see beauty in nothing, nothing. And she started to talk like a very depressed woman and she was a very depressed woman. And no matter what she did, she was wrong and it was a terrible thing when I look back at it, what she felt like when I came into AA when we first got back together. She was a really bitter, nasty woman and the only thing was on her mind was to raise her children and she said i don't ever want to live too long after they get big because there's nothing in this world for me and that's what i did to her i did that now how do you repair that damage well i repaired that damage with understanding and when she would blow up and scream at me then i had it coming you see and she did that a lot she in the first she blew up and screamed at me a whole bunch, and my kids were all raggedy-taggly. I had to pull them into line because you see I had one boy that was an alcoholic. He's still an alcoholic, and I would tell you too by the way that my oldest son now is just now a year and two months in AA, and he's been drinking alcoholically for about 30 years, and there was nothing I could do about it, nothing. When my wife saw what was happening, I came home one night and the police brought him. And he had stolen a boat over there in New Rochelle and he stole not only a boat, a police boat. And he was only 15 years old. And when he sent another police boat out to catch him and he run and evaded them until he ran out of gas and then they grabbed him and he brought him home and they stood him up in front of me and they said, Jack, we don't know what we're going to do with this kid. And I said, what's wrong with him? He said, I didn't know. My wife knew there was something going on but I didn't because a couple of weeks previous they had brought him home and they had bought him home from almost getting drowned in a swamp he was out on a raft in the middle of the swamp and going down and he was about up to here when they caught him and all these things on account of booze don't you see 15 years old I didnít know it so there I had a lot of amends to make to my son and I tried to and I made a big mistake I tried to buy him I tried to promise him this and promise him that if you don't do this I'll do that and that's not the way to do it you don' t do that you got to make them see right you got make them see what's right you got to make them do it if you don't want to do it if you draw a line and if he steps over the wrong side of the line something is going to happen make sure it happens because that's the only way they're going to learn and I had to start late in life but I did And my third son, my little doctor baby, he never saw me drunk. He's my AA baby. See, I never had any trouble with him because I learned how to treat people and children through this program. And I raised him properly. And my daughter, she's over there in Australia. My wife had a lot to do with her too and she's not too bright sometimes. But she's a good girl, but she's also a very funny girl sometimes. So you see, the only one that I really can say is a joy in my heart is my AA baby. My little baby there, John. Anyway, that was step number eight. And I would like to say at this time not to make any problems for yourself by trying to buy your children. Especially here at Christmas time, you see. I have watched a lot of people go out and get into debt four, five, six hundred dollars buying toys for kids that they don't need and they don t want. What kids need is a father. Kids need somebody to hang on to, a father and a mother. And they don d need a big bunch of toys and a bunch of fancy . . . I don t know how to express it any other way. I mean be a father to your kids. That s a moral obligation you have. That's the best way to do it. And I made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. I couldn't do anything about a lot of the things that I did in my life. I could pay back all the money I stole and I couldnít go up to a guy and say, ìHey, you know, about four, five, eight years ago I stuck up your bank.î It wouldnít save any purpose and get a lot other people in trouble too because if they bagged me. They'd be begging a lot of guys that were with me. So I have to leave it alone and turn it over to the man upstairs. It bothers me. It bothers me, and the only way I figured I can do is do the best that I can. I paid a few bills that I had, small bills, five dollars a week here, five dollar a week there. I paid off a few things that I owed, and that's all I can do. I don't have a bunch of money, never did. Only time I had money was when I was drink and I sobered up and I just stopped making any money, big money. I worked for a living and that was it and I had to make do with what I had. Then I continued to take personal inventory and when I was wrong, I promptly admitted it. Now, I'll give you one good example of that when you're wrong, promptly admit it. I got a call from my brother one night and my brother said, Jack, he said, if you want to see the old man, you better go see him because he's dying. I said, oh, that's good I said it's too bad it wouldn't happen a long time ago because I hated my father I hated him with a passion and I was in AA I think for about five years maybe more and I never gave one thought to my father who are the genuine fallen down alcoholic drunk and I said now now I'll help you and you and you and my father that's a bum see I was wrong And my brother said that to me He said, Jack, you better go and think it over You better go up and see him Because my father My mother had died And I never She never saw me sober And I regretted that a lot You know I used to think about that quite a bit And Sam straightened me out on that He said Well There's a lot of mother mothers here You can make amends to them By helping their children Their sons and daughters And he said In that way You can making amends To your mother I said Well alright That's good I'll buy that But my father, that was a different story. And I hung up the phone and it was about three in the morning and I was sitting on the end of the bed and I lit a cigarette and I started to think a little bit. I was really mad that my brother had waken me up. And my wife was laying there. She turned around and she said to me, Who is that? And I said, That's Jimmy, my brother. What did he want? Oh, he wanted to tell me the old man's dying. And what did you say? I said, that's good, about time. And she said, that's nice. That's what they teach in AA, isn't it? You see? Well, I want to tell you that's the first time I ever gave my father a thought. Really, honestly and truly. It just never occurred to me. And this will happen to we people. Things that we think are perfectly right in our lives will become wrong instantly. Just like that. and you have to be prepared. So I looked at my wife in amazement, and I said, what did you say? And she told me again, is that what they teach you in AA? And I said no, you're right, they don't teach me that, do they? And I sat there a little bit, I finished the cigarette, so I put my clothes on, and I went up to the Bronx to see my father. And he almost passed out when I walked in the door, I'll tell you that. And he'd almost come out of the bed, and he couldn't because he had silicosis in the lungs. That's little holes in the bottom of the lung, silicosis. And all the air going in seeped out. It didn't make like a balloon with a hole in it. And you could hear him breathing two blocks away. And he couldnít get oxygen put into the house because he was alone there and they wouldnít give him oxygen. And the place that he was living in was like a rat trap. it was not a nice place at all it was two rooms down in the basement of a building and it was filthy dirty oh my god and I could hear him breathing and I said to him my god you know you're dying don't you he said yeah I know I'm dying he said I hear you're doing pretty good I said yeah I'm doing alright what is that thing I said, it's just a bunch of people get together, you know. It's AA, alcoholics. He said, yeah, I heard a little bit about it. He said but you know me. I said yeah, i know you. And I said why don't you go to hospital? My sister had told me he won't go to the hospital and we can't get him in. So I said Why don't You go to heartbeats is not I don't want to go to hospital and then I saw the bottle sticking out from under his pillow see a bottle of Johnny Walker Black Label. And I said, hey, it's the booze, right? And he just looked at me and I said I'll tell you what I'll do, Pop if you go to hospital I'll put that bottle under your pillow I'll pull it out I'll push it under the pillow in the hospital too you want to go? He said would you do that? I said yeah and he said call the ambulance. 20 minutes, that's all it took me and my brothers and sisters have been trying for months to get him in the hospitals See, they didn't understand. So this is what the alcoholic is, understanding one for the other. We don't... Nobody understands us, but we understand each other. So I called the ambulance. I took them in the ambulance and away we went. And I got up to the hospital and I told the nurse up there. I told her doctor on the nurse boat. I said, I got this bottle here and I'm going to put it under his pillow and leave it there. And he said, but you can't. I said just leave it here because if you don't It's going to be big trouble. I said, he's going to have what he wants and the doctor said he won't hurt him. Leave him alone. It's all right. So I put it under the pillow and I said I've got to go home, Papa. I've Got to go to work. I'll see you tonight or tomorrow morning or something but I never saw him again because he died soon after I left about 10-12 hours later. So you see, I feel that I have made my amends to my father in his last and it took me five or six years to do that and that tenth step, as I said in the beginning the safety valve for we people the safety value so if you're driving along some morning in a car and something suddenly hits you in the head something that you've overlooked or haven't thought about for years and years tenth step when you're wrong, promptly admit it all these steps are geared to make us feel better because who is going to benefit by my making amends? Who is going to benefit by my making a list? Only me because you see when I make a list I get it out of my head and I get it on a piece of paper and I got more room in my head. I don't walk around with a head full of marbles every time I bend my head all these things are going around in my head. I hide this one I hide that one I got it all lined up and I slowly take care of them gently and then step number eleven so it's Through prayer and meditation. To improve our conscious contact with God. As we understood him praying. Only for knowledge of his will for us. And the power to carry that out. Well. When I came into AA. I knew that there was a power greater than me here. I knew it. I knew there was something here that I didn't have. And. All through the first ten steps. I knew something was happening to me. Because I turned my life over to the care of God. But it was a very. A very indistinct relationship that we had. I would get a little doubtful sometimes and say, well am I doing the right thing? Am I not doing the right thing ? And now I had to seek through prayer and meditation to improve my conscious contact with Him. Because sometimes I needed Him and I had to know He was there. And how did I used to do that? I used go down and sit in some quiet place. just quiet place and I used to meditate and meditate in the dictionary says think deeply on one thing on one subject and I meditated on my life after I came into AA that's how I think I think about my life before and after AA and a gratitude comes up and it overwhelms me because I think of what I was and what I am today and I just, no trouble at all to have the man upstairs sit on my shoulder talking in my ear. And I do believe that our conscience is the voice of God. I believe that with all my heart. Because I sit down sometimes and I meditate down by the water down over there in Australia, you see. And I sit there by the Indian Ocean. I'm only five minutes from the water. And beaches are all, it's all beach over there. And you go along anywhere You find ten people, that's too many. You go down there, you find none. It's very simple to find a very quiet place by the water. And when I go down here, it's just like I don't know how to describe it to you. Peace overwhelms me. Very quiet and gentle. And then I sit down and I start to count my blessings. I don' t think of what I have, but I think of all the good things that have happened to me. and I remember what I used to be and what I'm like now do you remember that very day that Sam Cohn told me do you have any money in your pocket yeah do you ave a pair of shoes yeah do you nave a room yeah and then I remember how stupid that I was at that time that I couldn't see that the biggest thing that I had was sobriety you see without sobriete I have nothing and that was given to me the moment I walked in through the door I didn't do anything for it Sam Cohen picked me up and Gene under here and Sam under here and he carried me to AA sat me down and when they sat me down I was given the gift of AA drunk sick dying didn't matter I was giving AA that night nothing for it except to bring the body and that's the most wonderful thing that ever happened to me and it took me many many years to appreciate being sober and a lot of people say well that's ridiculous no it's not ridiculous because a lot of people get sobriety in their hand they don't think it's worth anything, they throw it away so you cherish that sobriery and when you sit down and count your blessings that's when you realize what sobrietry has done for you continued sobriiety because it's developed for me into peace of heart, you know what peace of heart is, I don't know what you know, people talk about serenity. I don't know what the hell serenety is. But I do know what peace of heart is. And that's when I can sit down by the water and look out over the water and feel quite close to God. That's serenely. I mean, that's peace of mind. Peace of heart to me. And that' s what I did with my prayer and meditation to improve my conscious contact with God. And when I got a problem I sit down and I meditate by the order. I think about and count my blessings and the voice of God comes true into my head and I ask him I say hey I got a problem here I gotta go this way or that way and generally my problem is to do with somebody else you see because I have a lot of people that look to me for advice and what to do in given situations and I don't always know the answer sometimes the answer's wrong and my answer so I then meditate and I think and I improve my conscious contact with God and I count my blessings and here he comes because once I'm full of gratitude then God loves me and he listens and he talks I can sit down for five minutes and have my friend upstairs here talking in my ear and you can do it too no great trick and it's all done with gratitude gratitude for what that you have and if when I pray only for knowledge of his will for us and the power to carry that out what do you want me to do in this situation what should I do the answer always comes then I go on to step 12 having had a spiritual awakening my spiritual awakening came one day when I woke up and I just bent over and I tied my shoes and everybody will say isn't that stupid not true not too stupid because you see I never could tie my shoes and I walked around for years with my shoes falling off my feet because I couldn't tie them when I would wake up in the morning I'd bend over to tie my shoe I'd black out and I'd keep on going and my head would hit the floor so I didn't bother tying my shoes now if you think that's stupid that's your business but one day very unconcernedly I reached over and I tied my shoes and I didn't pass out and I sat up and I said my god Jack you tied your shoes and it was like a bolt of lightning that hit me in the head and I suddenly said of course you tied you shoes because you're sober and then I said yeah I'm really sober and how long am I sober and I couldn't figure out how long I was sober and I had to say well seven days in a week and four weeks in a month and what month is it now and that's where I got lost I didn't know what month it was and when I'd come in there ain't no one thing about it but that feeling of exuberance was in me I tied my shoes I'm sober and that was the beginning of me that was my spiritual awakening I come back to the human race again then I started thinking Sam Cohn loves me this guy loves me the other guy loves him and they all love me and I said I belong to a group and the group is there and if I need anything I just go over there and it was suddenly I don't know how to put it to you it was a great joy inside me when I realized that I was sober and that I had people in this world that understood me and loved me and I was coming better and that was my spiritual awakening as a result of these steps and it wasn't then that I tried to carry this message to other people and to practice these principles in all my affairs now what principles are we talking about principles of when you have somebody pinned up against the wall and you can bury them don't back off back off live and let live and if you find a hundred dollar bill on the floor and you see the guy that dropped they pick it up and give it back to him you don't keep it and if he got a chance like i did i was working and i had a chance i used to make 10 on top of this and five percent on top of that how to quit that I'd acquit that that was stealing what I mean if I bought a load of bricks I say put 10% on the top of that for me and after the bricks were delivered and the bill was paid I go and collect my tip whatever it was $10 $20 and I did that with everything and I used to I used to justify it by saying well everybody does if I don't do it somebody else will do it that doesn't matter I can't do it because if I do it disturbs me inside in my heart and I'm sure the guy upstairs turns around looks at me say Jack don't I give you enough and he does he gives me enough I don't need more whatever that I need I'll get now I don' have all my wants but I do have all my needs and that's the way that I have to live and people say well you're kind stupid well maybe I am but when I go to bed at night I sleep and I sleep real good and if I didn't have somebody poking me in the ribs in the morning I'd still be in bed right but I got a one of them you know rib pushes there gonna get up at 630 Jesus we're on vacation get up at six thirty right you know that's the way that it goes sometime so here I am I got to practice these principles in all my affairs and what principles again I must go back to my children I go back to my daughter I have four grandchildren over there in Australia I don't see them very much and I love children too when I love my grandchildren pretty good I don t see them so much because my daughter was kind of a strange girl and she's married to an Australian. Not only is he an Australian, but I won't tell you what else he is. He's something out of this world. A very greedy, selfish, arrogant, conceited jackass is what that he is, and an Australian too. And so in order for me to keep a little peace in me and in her I kind of stay away I leave alone and it's not what I want to do but that's what that I should do and I had a chat with my friend upstairs about it in step 11 and I said what must I do in this particular case and the answer come back loud and clear don't interfere with their life leave them alone because I could go there and I could still break a high mass very easy you know i could get this guy i could bury him tomorrow and nobody even know i saw him and a lot it used to go through my head i'll get a gun and i'll be out shooting the sheep and i'd get him see and you know all these things because i'm jack brent i'm an alcoholic and i don't i i know all of these things i know how to handle things but i don t choose to do it that way anymore so the best thing for me to do leave that family alone and once in a while she'll call me up and she'll say hey pop the kids are missing you i said well you bring them on down and we'll spend the weekend with them but you bring them down here oh well i can't come down there because you know so far and uh well you know i want to tell you something ellen it's exactly as far from my house to your house as it is from your house to my house. If I can come up there you can come down here what's the difference? And she said well, you know I got I said okay well then when you get ready you bring them on down. So the result is I haven't seen him for over a year and I talk to them on the phone once in a while and it hurts. Let me tell you it hurts because I'm a kind of a guy you know i like to i like children around me and i especially like my grandchildren around me but it don't happen so that's the way it is that's a way to cookie crumbles right but i stand on the side and i wait because one day she might need me i keep the door open i don't say you're this or not i don t go up and fight with a husband i say hello to him when i see him what i say under my breath don't count I talk nice to him, you know, and I wish him all the luck in the world. I don't really mean it though, I tell you. Then I have my oldest son, the boozer. He broke my heart, he broke my wife's heart before she died. And I remember one day I had to say to her, I said, Hey Roz, you knows something? We're going to have a new set of rules around over here. And she said, What's that Jack? I said, well, I'm going to pay for no more long-distance phone calls, reverse the charges. But that's your son calling. I said I know, but as long as you keep answering the phone, he's going to keep calling, and I'm not going to play the bill because I'm making him think that he's right, and he's not right, he's wrong. I used to get calls from here and there and there and always asking for money, and they don't want no more. I'm now going to give them any money. And one day I came home, and he was in the house drunk and he was raised in hell with my wife and with the kids and so I went in the bedroom and I got a gun and I come out and I said hey Joe come here I want to tell you a story and I say now there's a door there and I said you get out the door don't come back and if you do I'm gonna put a hole in you and I put that gun in his belly you know about that deep and I said I'm not playing games with you you're not going to interrupt my home this is my home and your mother and your two sit your sister on your brother they all live here and they got to live and you are not allowing them to live so you've got to go now if you want to stop drinking you come back but don't you come back while you're drinking because the only one that drinks in my home is me and I'm not drinking I'm an AI and he went down the road and my wife was behind me crying and I remember today that she didn't talk to me for almost two years but that was the proper thing to do see I couldn't wouldn't spoil my life her life and a kid's life with a drunk I got sober and he had no business to do what he was doing so he had to go and do it elsewhere and after about two years of that she finally began to see the light you know and when she died we were very happy but I've had to make some hard decisions in my life and always when I made the decision I had to do it with the 11 step how to get my friend up there sit on my shoulder tell me in my ear what i should do and i want to say one more thing before i'm finished i say thank god thank god that my wife one day or my wife one day yes my wife won day saw fit to tell me the same thing down the road and don't come back unless you stop drinking because she was keeping me drunk by humoring me catering to me feeding me and I was taking everything that I could from her and the kids and I was burying them. And I'm so very grateful to her because the day she threw me out of the house, and I went before a judge and the judge said out and I didn't come back for I went down to Bowery after that for two and a half years. That was the worst day in my life but it turned out to be the best day because had she keep humoring me and catering to me I wouldn't be here tonight to talk to you I'd be dead these are the decisions and principles that I have learned to live by and if there's anything in my life that I'm doing wrong well then I'm sure that somewhere along the line my friend upstairs will let me know about it but I'm so very happy it's a very happy to come down here to Kansas and see all my old friends and talk to you people. Maybe, just maybe, that there might be a couple of people running around, you know, wondering what to do next. Well, now you know what I did. And if you choose to do the same, that's good because it worked for me or it worked to you too. I don't know what more I can say to you. It's now 20 minutes after 9. I guess we spoke about an hour and 10 minutes. And if there's anybody here would want to ask a question or whatever I'm very happy to do the best I can to answer them for you is there anybody with a question something maybe that I said that didn't sit right with you something more that I could tell you well if you don't have any questions we want me to tell you joke I can tell you joke tell you about old mary in ireland and she went up to the priest that she said oh my god father he's drinking again and he says oh no she says ah yeah he's as drunk as he can be well that's terrible i don't know what we're going to do with him mary i don t know then he thought a little better and he said well he said i'll tell you something you live in in a little house down by the lane don't you and you got bushes and she said yeah that's right father and the poor old thing he said to her well you go out and I put a big sheet over you and go down there and stay in the bushes and when he comes down the bushes you jump out and you scare him scare him yee I'm the devil I'm your devil and maybe that will do it we tried loving him we tried feeding him we tried everything let's try scaring him so here's herself out there at midnight with a big seat over her head sitting in the bushes freezing and waiting for him to come down a highway, and here he comes down a highway and he's hitting both sides and his hat's on the back of his head and he keeps singing, he's having a ball and she waits till he gets up real close, and as she jumps out she says, yee, I'm the devil, I am the devil and he says, ah, let me shake your hand, I married your sister I love that joke. That's my Al-Anon joke, because it's very obvious she never heard of Al-A-Non, doesn't it? So if that's all and you sure there's no questions, well then what we'll do here, we'll just quit and that's it. And I know a lot of people are getting sick and tired of hearing me talk, but I want to tell you something. I have never ever been where the man upstairs didn't want me to be, and I mean that sincerely. I have arrived on Athene many, many times where I was needed, and when I came to New York I found a little problem up there that I was able to help with, and then I came here I'm going to San Francisco and I already have three meetings booked down here on the 12 steps and whatnot and then I'm gonna go to Hawaii or we are my wife and I you're going to go to Hawaii for three days and rest up and we're not going to see anybody in a year you know all we're gonna do is see them you know I've seen it before she haven't but I'm sure I like it again if she does or not I love them hula-hula girls so anyway let me say this to you thank you for having me thank you for letting me come here and talk to you because if I don't talk to you i'm going to get strangled on gratitude i have so much to say 40 years of sobriety and good living has left me with a tremendous burden of gratitude that i have to keep giving away otherwise it will bury me so you people allow me to get rid of some of my gratitude and i appreciate that very much and i want to say another thing i hope that you have a very beautiful christmas and new years and be careful the alcoholic is only five percent of the world 95 out there that can drink you can't remember the difference alcoholic can't drink and anyway who wants to drink when all them amateurs are out there you see when i drank it was after the holidays not while the holidays after the holiday when all the amateurs went home i started so remember that one drink is too many and 500 is not enough and let me say this to you too may the roads rise up to meet you and may the wind always be at your back may the Sun gently warm your face in a rain softly fall on your fields and until we meet again may the good Lord hold us all in a hollow of his hand thank you and God bless you