Step 10 and the Art of Disagreeing Without Being disagreeable – Jay S.

Great big welcome to Jay. Thank you so much. Thank you for asking me and thank you for that sweet introduction. And I don't know if anybody saw it, but I put up a picture of the log cabin there on my profile a minute ago with a horse in front and it reminds me of that joke. You know, a horse walks into a bar and says give me a beer and the bartender goes okay, but why the long face? face. No laughter, crickets. So let me try a different joke. What's the only thing an alcoholic does in moderation? The steps. There we go. So my name is Jay Westbrook. I'm an alcoholic, sober today by God's mercy and the practice of the principles of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I want to tell you, I'm just one of those disgusting people who is in love love with Alcoholics Anonymous. And now I get to say, because of where this meeting is and what it's about, I'm in love with Log Cabin, with the West Hollywood Recovery Center. I'm involved with being in love. I mean, love with weddings. And this is kind of a wedding of West Hollywood Recovery Center and Log Cabins. And what a great way to celebrate it. And I'm old. In case you couldn't tell I mean I hope I look younger than I am but I doubt it and it was Friday night June 7th 1968 we were at a I was at a party in Pacific Palisades and about one in the morning my friend George came up and said Jay this is Nancy, Nancy this is Jay she wants to walk on the beach and it's not safe at night even in the palisades go with her and we took the footbridge over PCH we We came down in front of Gladstones. We walked the beach for five or six hours. Sun came up, amore prima noce, love at first night. And we were inseparable from that first morning until Nancy drew her last breath. And we drank and used together extensively. We were deeply, deeply in love, but we didn't seem to be able to translate it into behavior. So, we were loners. We were liars, cheats, thieves. We were disrespectful. We were reactive, manipulative, immature, arrogant, self-pitying, self righteous and a whole set of other really attractive qualities that make relationships so difficult. And we loved each other and we just couldn't figure out why it wasn't – why it didn't translate to joy and happiness within the relationship. Long story short, a lot of war stories you don't need to hear. I got sober. And on my 90th day, Nancy stood up and she got sober and 23 and a half years later, May 1st of 2012 was our 42nd wedding anniversary anniversary, and 11 weeks later to the day, Nancy died in my arms in our home on hospice with pancreatic cancer, and the ground went out from under me. I stood at the turning point. I didn't know if I wanted to be sober, I didn t know if could stay sober, but I got real clear that Nancy was not at the bottom of a bottle, that there weren't enough outside issues in LA County to kill the pain that I wake and walk with on a daily basis. And so I reframed that pain as small price to pay for a lifelong love affair. And I took my wedding ring off and I took mine and Nancy's to a custom jeweler in Beverly Hills. I said, make a mold of mine and melt the two rings together and make me a new one that's a little thicker and a little wider. And so that is what I'm wearing tonight. night. And instead of having Jay Westbrook here speaking, you've got Jancy, Jay and Nancy as they called us. I'll show you what she looked like. She was stunningly beautiful and the kind of beautiful where people would look at me and look at her and look at me, and they couldn't figure out what we were saying. Oh my God, he must be so rich or so and I'm a hospice nurse so you go figure anyway we got sober we jumped in we did everything we were supposed to do you know we got a posse we went to meetings we've got commitments fast forward when Jim Stewart the president of the Lions Club died in 2001 the Lions were going to close the cabin and he'd been trying to get me to join the Lions club and they said could you help us get get the keys away from everybody and I said well if I join and took some response and they said okay so they made me the manager and for the next 18 years I had that dubious honor sometimes it was so it kept the doors open but it was really hard and I was the cabin boy and across the street at the West Hollywood Recovery Center Nancy was the center girl and she was on the board of directors of the West Hollywood Recovery Center for I think 12 years and there was a lovely plaque about her. And it was so interesting that we were right across the street. I was the 621 North Robertson, she was 626. And we got to serve those two facilities that we absolutely love. And I'll tell you that along in that journey, that marriage got so amazing. amazing. It became honorable and honoring and passionate and compassionate and respectful and playful and spontaneous and courageous and curious, and I mean it was just everything we had ever dreamed about, and what we found was the magic bullet to transform deep loving feeling into consistent loving behavior. And that's what I'm going to talk about tonight. night. So, Philo, please give me with an intrusive hello, five-minute warning, please, when my time is almost up. So the magic bullet that we got, the instruction manual for relationships, and I'm going to talk about romantic ones, but it also works in the rooms, at work, at school, on the freeway, with God and with family and with friendships. And that magic bullet is the 12 traditions of Alcoholics Anonymous. You know, the problem lies in the step and the solution in the corresponding tradition. And the problem is I'm a loner, meaning I lie to you, I lie to me and I lie God. It means that I by myself am powerless over alcohol and outside issues and my life is unmanageable by me alone. And The Problem is stated very clearly in that first step and the solution is in the first tradition that if I want that what I need to do is put the common welfare first and then our recovery as alcoholics and as partners in a marriage our recoveries are of our marriage depends upon our unity just like it does for alcoholics to recover it depends It depends upon our unity. And so here comes a great filter for my behavior and my words, and it's just this simple filter – is what I'm about to say or what I am about to do going to create greater separation or greater unity? And that's my Tradition 1 filter. If I put my words and behavior through that, suddenly I act very differently with my wife. life. I will tell you that it was early sobriety, I think because of my hair. I had fooled myself into thinking I was a mind reader and I knew the IRS was after me. They hadn't called, they hadn't sent a letter, but I knew they were after me and they were going to seize my bank accounts. Okay. Rigorous honesty. My bank account, singular. So I went to the the bank. I took all the money out, $9,800. I put it in my back hip pocket and the next day I have no idea how it happened but I was on my little Honda Shadow 750cc motorcycle and I ended up in front of Glendale Harley Davidson and there in the window was a red used FXR soft tail with a price tag of $9,800. And I knew that meant God wanted Jay to have a Harley Davidson. But Jay and Nancy wanted a house. We were tired of living in an apartment in West Hollywood. We wanted our own home and we were saving towards a down payment. And for the first time, I made a conscious decision to put the common welfare first. What is it that Jay and Nancey, that Jancy wants? And it's a house. And I left that money in my pocket and I got on the little Honda Shadow and I put it away and I left that Harley in the window. And today, Nancy and I ended up with a lovely home. Took more than $9,800 to get into it but we got there. And sometimes if you're not in a relationship or you're enmeshed in one and it's too hard to see the application of these traditions, sometimes it's easier to see with our driving. So I'll tell you we live in the valley and once I got on the 405 South right at Sherman Way and I was going down to San Diego to lecture. And I have this big fast pickup truck and I move over, I get in the fast lane and I just stay there. And in my side view mirror I see this little Fiat coming up really fast and he comes zooming up and kind of slams on his brakes so he doesn't hit the car in that number two lane. And there's no room for him to get over. And he comes over anyway. And I hit my brakes and he goes for two or three car lengths and then he cuts somebody else off and all the way to San Diego. He made himself and every other driver crazy cutting us off. and 120 miles later when I got off the freeway he was about four or five car lengths ahead of me common welfare of traffic came first for me but it certainly didn't for him and that's a great example and in step two we're going on now in step 2 I'm told about coming to believe that a power greater greater than myself, can restore me to sanity. And I feel insane. I can't make my life work. I can'T make my relationship work. I can'T make my money work. I'm overreactive, disproportionately angry. I've got PTSD. I'm an incest survivor and ritualistic torture survivor. I'm age three on. I ended up behind bars. I was gang raped in the penitentiary on an ongoing basis. He says, I was humpty dumpty broken when I got here. And the idea that I might be restored to sanity was so hope generating. It gave me hope. Step two is about hope, but it doesn't tell me how I can get restored to sanity and that's the problem. And the solution is in tradition too. so there's one ultimate authority and it's not jay so if i want to be restored to sanity i need to stop acting like i'm the ultimate authority like if you would just get out of my way or do it my way everything would be fine whoever you are my wife my landlord my boss my neighbor the car in front of me the car next to me all of you just do what i want and then i'll be okay Hey, because I'm the ultimate authority. George Carlin, comedian, tells a joke about driving down the freeway and he thinks anybody driving slower than me is a goddamn idiot and anybody driving faster is a fucking maniac. Like he's the only one who knows the right speed to drive on any given stretch or freeway at any given moment. And that's sort of how I was before I got to tradition too. too. There's one ultimate authority, Jay, it's not you. It's a loving God, not a punishing, not a judging, a loving god as he may express himself in our group conscience. And now the question becomes how do we do a group conscience in our relationship? How do we do a Group Conscience with God? What kind of a threesome can Jay, Nancy, and God have that will change behavior and this oh my god this is the tradition that really became pivotal for us so I teach when I teach medical students and nursing students I teach them that we see what we look for we hear what we listen for we see What We Look For so here's what I do to have this this group conscience with God, I look for a loving God in Nancy. And because we see what we look for, I see it. And when I see It, it changes how I speak to her and how I speak about her and How I engage her. I'm not calling my sponsor anymore and going, Oh, my God, you're not going to believe what a bitch Nancy was last night because I don't speak about her that way because I've seen a loving God in her. That's not hard. Nancy was so beautiful and kinder than she was beautiful. Here comes the hard part. I need to look for a loving god in me and because we see what we look for, when I look for an amazing God in me, when I'm looking for a living god in myself, I see it and it changes how I speak to myself and how I speak about myself and how i offer myself i'm no longer saying you stupid piece of shit you fucking asshole you dumbass you loser you i don't speak that way because i've seen a loving god in me and suddenly the way i'm engaging nancy and the way im offering jay changes completely completely completely. So powerful. Step three asks me to turn my will and my life, my thinking and my behavior over to the care of God. Well, how do I do that? Well, the way I do it is is I stopped playing God and being conditional. I have to surrender in tradition three, I have surrender being conditional." I'll be nice to Nancy as long as she dot, dot, dot, as long as she goes to the restaurant I want to eat at, goes to movie I wanna see, makes love when I want in the way I want for as long as I want with her on top or on bottom or I don't know. And if she doesn't, then I'm going to pout. I'm gonna sulk. I'm goint to withdraw myself. I'm gong to withhold. I'm gunna be sarcastic. I'm guona be pacific. I'mgonna be whatever. I'm not gunna nice. Let's just keep it that simple. That's being conditional. And AA used to be conditional. There was a time in AA when queers, crackpots, and fallen women. Queers, crackpots and fallen women were not welcome in Alcoholics Anonymous. Do you know how small this fellowship would be particularly in West Hollywood if there were no queers, quackpots or fallen women? Oh my God, we'd have meetings of two or three people and that would be it. And instead the room's 141 people at this meeting right now, you know, and this is typical in West Hollywood we have big meetings because we're inclusive we're not conditional so I had to stop being conditional in my relationship and let's talk about driving so I'm driving along and I can tell you're to my left I'm in the number two lane you're in the number one I can tell you want to get over you know I you can tell and I'll let you get over if If, if, here's the condition, if you ask my permission by putting your signal on. If you don't, then I speed up so that you can't get over. That's being conditional. Sometimes I even still do it. It's like, oh, my God, Jay, why did you speed up? You knew that guy wanted to get over it. It's just running on habit, running on momentum. I need to stop and think. Third tradition. You knew he wanted to get over and I'll ease back. Come on, go over, go over. And more often than not, he comes over and then he keeps going, goes into the next lane. I haven't lost anything by letting him in. But that approach of I'll let you if you ask because I'm all important in my head. So the character defect attached to tradition three is this score scorekeeping. And scorekeeping doesn't mean I have a good memory. It means I have a good for every bad thing that you've ever done and for every good thing I've ever done. And I only remember the good things that I've done, and I only remember the bad things you've done. And if you'd like a list, um, I have them right here. I have the date and what you did or what you said. And, uh, you know, and i don't have it here, but boy, boy, I have it here. And suddenly I need to let go of that. Third tradition asks that I surrender being conditional. And when I do that, when I allow what Nancy gives to be enough, it makes it safe for her to risk giving more. When I allow with Nancy gives emotionally to be enough. It makes it say for her the risk giving more when I allowed what she gives sexually to be be enough it makes it safe for her to risk giving more and the same with financial and oh my god what a different way to have a relationship and not do any score keeping and in tradition 4 in AA we talk about each meeting should be autonomous meaning self-governing except in matters affecting other meetings or AA as a whole and the couple's version is that each partner should be self-governing except in matters affecting the other person or the couple as a home so I'll give you a combination this is a cute example and I'm sure some people will relate and it incorporates the driving example we lived on Fuller right across from Plummer Park and we went to a Monday night meeting at La Cienega Park, and we had this big wide Chevy Blazer. When I drove, I drove the right way, which was south on Martel and west on 6th. And Nancy would go, why are you going down these little side streets with our big wide truck? You're going to get sideswiped. And when Nancy drove, she went the wrong way. She went west on Santa Monica and south on La Cianega in all the traffic. And I'm going, why are we sitting in traffic? So whether we went south and west or whether we went west and south, we got to the meeting. And so we said how about if the driver decides and the passenger doesn't suggest, argue, eye roll, sigh, pout, sulk, or any other attractive behavior. And we started getting that meeting and people would say you guys look different. what's different about you it's like we didn't fight all the way here that's all we just live the fourth tradition now I'll give you an example that's not so cute we passed an age threshold I don't remember exactly what it was but we crossed it and so I carry a million dollars of life insurance on me I carry half a million on Nancy we crossed that threshold I looked the premium the annual premium was pretty significant that year and I went look I was a lot heavier then Nancy was svelte and athletic and did martial arts and and I said I'm the one who's gonna die with a heart attack or stroke she's gonna live forever and on November 1st I chose to pay the premium on my million-dollar life insurance and to not pay hers and 30 days later that policy her policy lapsed and 20 days after that she was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer and given four months to live and she said to me one day oh my god this is so hard but I've got to tell you I'm so comforted knowing that there's going to be that half-million And I couldn't lie to her, and I had to tell her the truth. And she was so angry. She just – I mean, she was incensed. She said, you've got that fourth tradition. Why would you make this decision unilaterally without speaking to me? Like my burden isn't heavy enough. I'm on the verge of losing everyone and everything that I've loved and cared about. up. And now you've just added to the burden that I have to carry right up till the day I die. We cried together and she forgave me. But, you know, it's like if you take a plate and you throw it on the ground and it breaks and you turn and say, I'm sorry, plate, it doesn't put the plate back together. And I said, I'M SORRY AND SHE FORGAVE ME. BUT THE TRUTH WAS IT ADDED TO HER worry, oh my God, is Jay going to have enough money to carry him through retirement? And I want to tell you right about now, a half million dollar cushion to carry me through retirement would be so nice to have. And I don't because I violated the fourth tradition that I knew so well and taught and talked about and ignored. And in the fifth tradition, condition, it says that our primary purpose is to carry the message. Well, what's the message? The message is love and tolerance. So who do we carry that message to? It says to carry the message to the alcoholic who suffers. Doesn't say the drunk alcoholic, doesn't say the homeless alcoholic living outside Log Cabin or outside the West Hollywood Recovery recovery center, it just says the alcoholic who suffers. And so that could be me or that could be Nancy. So Nancy was an interior plantscaper. She did design installation and maintenance of interior foliage plants in people's homes, in banks and offices and shopping centers. Nice work. I mean working with plants but it's hard physical work and you're working with the public and sometimes she'd come home and she battled traffic and I mean she was just frustrated it was the end of their day and her arms were full and she come through the door and she kind of kicked the door shut behind her and it would slam a bit and she dropped her stuff and sigh I mean how dare she how How dare she kick that door closed, drop her stuff and sigh. Could you imagine me having to put up with that anger coming into my house? Oh, wait a minute. It's not mine. It's ours. It's a home. And all she's doing is dropping her stuff in sighing. And if I've got a problem with it, all I have to do is see it as a manifestation of her suffering. and if I look at it as a manifestation of her suffering then my fifth tradition says you need to bring the message. The message is love and tolerance and I need to bring that to her and because she's Nancy it's not hard. Now comes the hard part. I need to look at my behavior and instead of being nasty and harsh and hypercritical and unforgiving with me, I need to see sometimes my behavior is a manifestation of my suffering i was raped on a daily basis at age three and four and five and six and then again when i was locked down and i have some history and some of that comes out in behavior and i'm not excusing it i'm explaining it and i need to look at my behavior and sometimes see that it is a a manifestation of my suffering. And when that's what's going on, I need to bring love and tolerance to me. I also need to pick up the phone and call a sponsor and have some accountability and some responsibility. But I can bring love intolerance to this alcoholic who's suffering. And in tradition six, we're asked to sacrifice putting money, property, and prestige prestige in front of the relationship or in front of sobriety and carrying the message, if you're talking about the AA version. But in the couples version, we don't do it. Well, I'm a hospice nurse. I've done bedside hospice nursing, the pain management with people and symptom control with the dying and the grief recovery work with the people who are dying and their families who are grieving. And And I've done that for over three decades. And that's not work you do if what you're looking for is money or property. So that's no longer my job. That's not an issue for me. But the prestige piece is in that little tiny pond of end-of-life care, I've become a known entity, a big fish, a known identity in that teeny little pond. I lecture around the country, I've got a book, Compassionate Journeys, stories of my work with the dying. I do that work and I don't do it to win awards but I've won a page full of awards and part of the reason is I get up and I go if it's two in the morning and the phone rings it's like I got it I'm on my way I'm coming you know and I the truth is there's an on-call nurse But I've told that nurse, yeah, if the Miller family calls, you don't go out. You call me and I'll go out, I've got the relationship with him. And the arrogance behind that kind of a stance because that on-call nurse is a good nurse and that's the deal on hospice, we work as a team. And so when I want the ability to go out and be special because I have the relationship And the family is comforted by that, but at Nancy's expense because she wakes up in the middle of the night and instead of her husband being next to her in bed, there's an empty spot. Or she wakesup in the morning to an empty spa. And I've won an award. And I didn't do it to win the award, but that's the result. old. And so now I think, because I'm a scorekeeper, I think how many nights did I do that and did she have that experience? And there's no way to undo it. And I don't know if I would or not. Maybe I would with some of the patients, not others. But the truth is I need to be very aware that I have the ability just as much as someone who's chasing fame in politics or movies or music or TV or whatever kind of celebrity I as a hospice nurse can engage in exactly the same behavior you know and hurt those that are around me Okay. How much time do I have? Are you here? Can't hear you. 16 minutes. minutes 16 yay okay so tradition seven oh my god i love this one so much because what i learned at three and four and five and six years old and then in that penitentiary is my only worth and value are to stick a dick in and lay a belt across my back i have no other worth or value and my role and purpose are to please you sexually i don't get to say no i don'T GET TO HAVE CHOICES voices, I basically have no worth. Even if you hear me say no, you're going to ignore it. And so I grew up unable to direct that anger, the rage I had at being tortured and raped at anyone but me because I was alone in a pitch black closet locked in there 23 hours hours a day, slept, ate, toileted, lived in that pitch black closet terrified of the dark and filled with rage and I became the target. So I've engaged during my life in some pretty horrendous behavior. I've hurt other people without a doubt but I have never hurt anyone as consistently or as deeply as I hurt myself. And this seventh tradition which I used to think was about – I don't know what it's about but i know you pass a basket i put a couple dollars i talk to the person next to me and i ignore what you're saying is why you read the traditions because it has i think it has something to do with corporate aa i mean that was my understanding as a newcomer then i found how we apply these to our life and this seventh tradition i've developed this filter for Kind of like tradition one. And the filter is this. Is what I'm about to say or what I am about to do self-sabotaging or self-supporting? Is it self- sabotaging or if it's self- supporting? And if it is self- sabotaging, I don't say it. Or I don' t do it. And if itself-supported then I do. Oh my God. That tradition one is this creating greater separation or greater unity and seven, is this self-sabotaging or is this self-supporting? If you don't walk away from this talk with anything other than those two traditions, one and seven and you start applying them relationships will shift. I promise. Tradition eight talks about the AA version says AA should remain forever non-professional. And you think about a professional, what does a professional a real expert a know-it-all someone who deals with perfection and gets paid very well in money or recognition or fame and then there's the amateur who just loves the game and does it with enthusiasm and joy and zeal just doing the best i can if i get up there and i strike out it's okay I'm having fun and that's what amateurism is about so we're at a meeting and I'm not involved in the conversation it's after the meeting Nancy's talking to this couple but I'm close enough to overhear now we're not going to dinner with these people we're going to go and meet them after the meeting we're just Nancy's just talking to him and she says I hear her say oh my god yeah our favorite italian restaurant is benvenuto's it's at santa monica and la cienega and i jumped in not part of the conversation and said no it's not it's on the south side of santa Monica just west of La Cienega which might have been important if we were going to meet them there in 15 minutes for dinner after them but we weren't and I saw the hurt in Nancy's eyes because i had been so harsh and so dismissive and so intrusive in my approach and i got this tradition in that one moment i got how much i can hurt somebody by acting like i'm the know-it-all i'm the expert i know you don't and it gave me the guilt the image of the hurt in her eyes and the embarrassment was enough to keep me from doing that again and to step into that amateur role of being oh my god i love being in this relationship with this amazing woman and i'm certainly not going to talk to her ever, particularly in front of other people with dismissiveness and disrespect and harshness. Does that make sense? So tradition nine, AA ought never be organized and in a relationship the idea is that a partner ought never organize and I think of that as manipulative because when I'm manipulating What I'm doing is I'm trying to organize your words and your actions and your thoughts to endorse or further my agenda, whatever that might be. I'll lie. I'll twist. I'll do whatever it takes to get you to behave the way I want you to and to endorse me. me so Nancy was an award-winning interior plantscaper and every year her organization professional interior plantscape association would have an awards banquet and I not part of that field I wasn't really interested and I just went because my wife was going to win an award and she'd get the award and it was so nice and and then I'd lean over and say oh my god honey I am so sorry, but my PTSD for my incest is kicking in. We got to get out of here. I'm going to have a panic attack. And it was a lie. I just wanted to go home because maybe there was a show on TV I wanted to watch or I didn't want to sit through anybody else's awards. It was selfish and it was manipulative. And the idea is that this tradition, the ninth tradition, asks me to sacrifice being manipulative. To stop trying to organize your thoughts, your words and your behavior to further my agenda. Tradition 10. Oh my God. Tradition10 teaches me how to disagree without being disagreeable. And it really is based on – it comes out of step 10, which is about taking daily inventory. And there are some principles involved in this that say I'm either going to write inventory or I'm going to create inventory. And I'm neither going to take my inventory orI'm going take yours. But I love that idea of – I think Dennis F. said it, that I'm going to write inventory or I'm going to create inventory. And I have to be able to disagree on a political issue or a social issue or a movie or a dinner without being disagreeable. It means I don't gossip that anything outside of Our relationship, our sobriety and our relationship with God is an outside issue And it's not something that has the ability to separate us And distract us from our primary purpose Which is to be a loving partner in this relationship Nancy was not She had great intelligence and great depth But she was not fast on her feet I am. I can process it quickly and come right back with a response. Nancy didn't do that. She took information in, she went over here, she thought about it, she rolled it over, she looked at it from every angle, and then she came back with an opinion or a statement or an answer of depth and weight. I'm like – I'm flying, I'm shooting from the hip, I do it real quick kind of like like a lawyer in a courtroom. And I can't, oh my God, this is so embarrassing. Can't remember. So we had some president, don't know who it was. What's wrong with me? And Al Gore was the vice president and he came up with this or started started offering the idea of biofuel. You grow corn and you make it into gasoline and it burns cleaner, it's good for the environment, the farmer makes more money, we lower dependence on foreign oil, the price of petrol, of fuel drops. It's a win-win-win situation. And I said to Nancy, isn't that amazing? That's great stuff. And she said, I don't know. Let me think about it. it think about it what do you need to think about everybody's winning this is great she said i don't know it just there's something i don'T know let me think okay so a couple years go by and the starvation rates of children in third world countries skyrockets because so many american wheat farmers have started growing corn for biofuel and you know that that was never al gore's intention but it was a side effect of this policy and Nancy who's not a politician somehow knew there was just some piece that that was missing in my description that that she had a sense you know and in my again I was kind of harsh and a little bit come on what's the matter how long does it take to figure out but she knew you know and I'll never forget that that's that's a perfect example of learning how to disagree without being disagreeable and here we go with again I should say my favorite but it's not it's probably my third or fourth favorite tradition 11 and it even has some algebra in it so tradition 11 goes with tradition 1 and tradition 7 it has a filter attached the AA version is that the our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion so the filter I've developed for this tradition is if my here's the algebra if my ex were standing right here would they find what I'm about to say or what I am about to do attractive Now, X could equal my God or my grandmother or my dog. Oh, my God, my bloodhound Memphis. I wish I were half the man Memphis thinks I am. What if it were my sponsor? X equals my sponsor. If my sponsor or my sponsee were standing right here, here, would they find what I'm about to say or what I am about to do attractive? And if not, then maybe I shouldn't say it or maybe I should not do it. And if they would, then I can go ahead and say it. And I was raised atheist. I grew up – it's a – I can't think of the word – in a New York Jew atheist communist theatrical family. I mean, oh my God, what a stereotype. And drilled into my head that there is no God. There is no god. God is the opiate and the masses don't ever believe in God. It makes you weak. It lets you be manipulated. Drilled into my Head, then I have the incest to kind of prove to me that there's no God I don't believe in god, but I pray to God all the time. Oh God, please don't let that liquor store close before I get there. Dear God, please let the outside issues dealer have some good stuff. Dear God. Please don't let that police car be lighting me up. I don't believe in God, but I'm praying to him. I'm also blaming a God in whom I don' believe for every bad thing that ever happened to me and giving him credit for nothing. Nothing. So it's very funny that these days I talk about if my God were standing right here, would that God find what I'm about to do? to say or what I'm about to do attractive so that was my prayer for a long time to the God I didn't believe in please God and today my prayer has not changed my prayer today is it's just dropped the comma and so my prayer today is please God Jay try and behave try and speak try and conduct yourself in a way that you believe would please God and so it's very interesting that it's the same two words without the comma used to have a common now it doesn't and now it doesn't have anything afterwards because I'm not asking for or anything. I'm just saying, Jay, please God, behave in a way that we want as God, that God would find attractive. And I had to find a God also that worked with my story. And so the God I found eventually, because in hospice work, that's where I found God, the place where life and death meet is filled with God right at that juncture the meeting point of life and death that's where God is and it's palpable and it undeniable so I couldn't say there's no God because God was right there and I spent an extraordinary I got to spend an extraordinary amount of humble time time right at that juncture. And so I was constantly in the presence of God, but intellectually I had to create a story that worked with my story and so my God designed it all perfectly and put it in motion. My God is loving and co-journeys right by my side, co-suffers with me but does not intervene because he designed it perfectly. Watched me being raped at three and four and five and six years old and wept at my suffering and then looked at my rapists who had moved so far from his grace and wepped at their suffering but didn't intervene because he made them with everything they needed for redemption and made me with everything I needed for resilience. And I don't know if they reached for it but I know that I did first through alcohol and drugs and then later through the 12 steps and 12 traditions and a loving God. And I found resilience and I am whole, nothing broken, nothing missing. I walked in here humpty dumpty broken all the King's horses and all the Kings men could never put Jay back together again and y'all did. You brought me back together again and I'm whole and I're healthy and it's amazing. So I have that loving God, and in Tradition 12, man, I'm not very good at Tradition 12. Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our traditions, and so this tradition asks me to surrender notoriety, a need for recognition and credit, and I don't have it. I'm sorry. That's one I'm working on. I do a lot of writing. I told you I have a book out. I do a lot lecturing and I lectured at UCLA and about three months later I'm reading an article and I go those are my words. I know my words, those are my words exactly. Somebody has what must have been in my class and taped me and And then transcribed it and wrote an article. And I went and I checked the roster of who was in the class, and sure enough, that person was, oh my God. I went right to the editor and publisher and said, hey, you know, this is not okay. These are my words that have been stolen. You know, and it's not the most loving or forgiving thing. I'm so far from perfect, and this tradition shows it to me. So here's the Jancy story about it. I was lecturing a lot around the country and getting a good speaker fee. And so I kept putting that speaker fee into paying our mortgage down. And we paid, normally we each pay half the payment every month. And then if either of us had extra money, we'd throw that in. And we played that 30-year mortgage down in 14 years. And I did a lot of it the last year with those speaking fees. And I sent that last check in and I went right into the next room in Nancy's home office. And I said, Nancy, I just wrote the final check for our mortgage. I paid it off. We paid it all. And she was on her computer and she looked up and she said, well, that's wonderful, honey. And she went back to work. And I was like, oh, my God, where's the band? Where's the confetti? Where's The Celebration? Where's the Martinelli sparkling cider, the cork popping out of that? I was like and she looked at me and she said, honey, that's what we're supposed to do. You know, pay the mortgage off. Oh, my God. So I still suffer from I'm not enough, I guess, is where it's rooted. I'm Not Enough. And I want you to see I'm really a good person. and I work hospice and I win awards and I'm a good husband and I paid the mortgage down and can I get a prize? Can I get parade? Can I got a... And it's like, Jay, you're enough. You're absolutely enough. And it reminds me of that story about the 500 women that are at a WWW event, a Wounded Women's Weekend Workshop. 500 women there that are trying to engage in self-care and healing because they're all wounded and the first speaker is a saffron robed Buddhist monk who comes out and doesn't say a thing but just looks the whole audience over and then takes the mic and says you are absolutely perfect and you could all use a little work you know and that's what I need to put that perspective into to me. I'm pretty good on these first 11 traditions and I fall on my face on the 12th tradition. It doesn't mean I'm a piece of shit. It means I'm absolutely perfect and I could use a little work, you know, and as long as I remember that and I maintain that stance, I'm good. And And, you know, whether you got tradition one about am I creating separation or unity? Tradition two, looking for a God in others and ourselves and having a change how we engage and that we offer. Tradition seven, self-sabotaging or self-supporting. Tradition 11, would my ex find this behavior attractive or any of the other traditions? I promise you, if you're brand new and living in a sober living and you start working with these traditions tonight, they can make a difference in your relationships. If you're in a romantic relationship or living with your family and you started practicing these tonight, they will change that relationship. And that's the power of the traditions. Unlike the steps which have huge rewards, they don't come as quickly. quickly, and the traditions can happen literally overnight. It starts to change our behavior. I love the traditions. I love getting the opportunity to speak about them. I am so glad to have been here. My name is Jay Westbrook. I'm an alcoholic. Thank you.