The Original Big Book Manuscript – Big Book Study – Westfield Big Book Study – Part 2 of 2 – Dave P.

Good evening, everybody. My name is Chris. I'm an alcoholic. Hi, Chris. You know, I kind of sometimes do this to start this meeting off. This meeting's a little bit unusual. It's not the typical format that you'll run into at most meetings. What we're doing here at this meeting is we're closely examining the foundational 12-step recovery literature in the form of the original manuscript. The original manuscript was the document that Bill Wilson and the early alcoholics had kind of approved. And then what they did was they put it into a manuscript form. They published a bunch of these manuscripts, and they passed them around to get editorial comment from psychiatrists, from priests, from all different medical doctors, all different people. and they took very seriously all of the editorial suggestions. And the big book, the book Alcoholics Anonymous is today put together and it has a lot of those editorial comments in it. What we find interesting though is what did the alcoholics come up with? Because a lot times the original manuscript is more direct. It's pointing right at you much more specifically than the big book. A lot of changes were made in the direction that the big book was pointing. The big book says a lot of, this is what we did. The original manuscript says, you better do this. It's more direct. Certainly, we're not saying that those changes shouldn't have been made. There were good reasons for them to be made, but In a big book study, in a study of this earlier documentation, we came up with the decision to use the original manuscript just for this one workshop to kind of highlight some of the differences. And there's whole paragraphs in the original manuscripts that don't exist in the big book. I'll give you one of them. This is from the chapter to wives. And they were talking about putting their husbands away in happy hills. Now, we're all very, very lucky in this day and age. Back in the 30s, if you had a husband who was a chronic inebriate, you could get a couple of signatures from a couple of doctors, and away he went for life. Imagine coming out of a blackout saying, oh, wow, I'm in Happy Hills. Can I get my stuff? We've got some bad news for you. You're not going to be getting your stuff and leaving. you're here for the duration and this is what would happen I know this from family experience my great grandfather, Edward Schroeder the first this is right around in the 20's one day he kind of went over the edge and refrigerators were brand new and he was excited about these refrigerators so his wife comes home one day and literally there's 20 refrigerators being delivered at the house she did not take kindly to this she got a couple of signatures and edward schroeder the first spent the rest of his life in a sanitarium very nice sanitaria but he he never went back home and so here's here's a paragraph uh from from two wives it doesn't even exist in the big book as a rule an institution is a dismal place and sometimes it is not conducive to recovery. It is a pity that chronic alcoholics must often mingle with the insane Someday we hope our group will be instrumental in changing this condition Many of our husbands spent weary years in sanitariums Though more reluctant than most people to place our men there, we sometimes suggest that it be done Of course a good doctor should always be consulted Kind of glad they took that out I don't know about you But anyway, we're going to start tonight on how it works. Now, I love this. Every once in a while, even still today, things have gotten a lot better. But even still Today, you'll see somebody in a discussion meeting raise their hand and they'll say something pithy like, You know, I don't know how it worked. It just works. And people will laugh. Well, how it work is how it was. works. How it works is how it works. We read it in most meetings. That's how AA works. And we've heard it so often that it's become kind of redundant. It's become the thing that you filter out while you decide what you're going to share or, you know, whatever. You don't really listen to it. And, um, uh, we're going gonna read it here out of the original manuscript. There was some changes in it. Where there's changes between the original manuscript and how it works that we hear read at most meetings, I'll change my tone of voice, but you'll probably pick up on it if you've been to more than 10 meetings. Chapter five, how it Works. Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our directions. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program. Usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves there are such unfortunates they are not at fault they seem to have been born that way they are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a way of life which demands rigorous honesty their chances are less than average there are those two who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest what's all this what's well this honesty Why are they talking about all this honesty? Why are the talking about this? If we're 100% honest with ourselves, when we start to go through the steps, we realize in step one that we've been defeated by alcohol. That we have an obsession of the mind that we cannot predict the next time alcohol goes back in our body, no matter how much we want to. We have what's known as an alcoholic obsession. We have a physical craving, physical allergy, which means when we start to drink, we have little or no control over the amount that we put in or how long we're on that run. And our life is unmanageable on many, many levels. So if we're honest with ourselves about these issues and we don't try to gloss over it, we have a real good chance of embracing these concepts and recovering from alcoholism. I do a million talks at treatment centers, and I've got to tell you, there's people who are in their 5th or their 10th treatment center, and they're like, this time, this Time, I understand that I just can't pick up a drink. I just Can't Pick. They've completely missed the whole issue. This Time, nothing. When you realize what the first step is, it's not like, oh, this is real good information. It's Custer's last stand, and there's more Indians coming. And if you're honest with yourself about that first step, you have nowhere else to go except the spiritual program of recovery. So Bill is begging you to be fearless and thorough. He's requiring that you be honest with yourself, and it's basically because Step 1 is so hard. to who, this is a line from the 12 and 12. Who among us wishes to admit complete defeat? Glass in hand we've warped our minds to such a state that only an act of divine providence can relieve us of our obsession. Divine providence is God shining down out of the clouds is what divine providence ist. Who wants to admit that we're going to die unless God shines down out in the clouds on us? Not very many of us. But when you understand what alcoholism is and the aspects of alcoholism and how all-encompassing alcoholism is and how 95% of the people who have alcoholism die from it, you start to realize just how serious this is and you have to change the way you're addressing your drinking and your alcoholism to have any hope of success. Our stories disclose in a general way what we used to be like, what happened, and what we are like now. If you have decided you want what we have, and are willing to go to any length to get it, then you are ready to follow directions. And some of these you may block. You may think you can find an easier, softer way. We doubt if you can. With all the earnestness in our command, we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start. Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas, and the result was no until we let go absolutely. This is really tough. They're asking us to let go of our old ideas. It does not say, Dave, let go off our bad old ideas. It says let go of our own ideas. You know, especially about alcoholism. Especially about the spiritual world. Especially about religious principles. Anything like that. Let go of your old ideas! Don't be bringing that crap in here with you because if it would have worked, you would have been doing a whole lot better than you are now. You know? Struggling into your first meeting. remember that you are dealing with alcohol cunning, baffling, powerful without help it is too much for you but there is one who has all power that one is God you must find him now half measures will avail you nothing you stand at the turning point throw yourself under his protection and care with complete abandon now we think you can take it what a thing to say what are they talking about Now we think you can take it. The steps, you know, without a full understanding of if you don't go through the steps, you're going to die, without really understanding that, you're probably not going to go through The Steps. Nobody wants to go to – who wants to do a four-step? You list out all of the things that you've done wrong your whole life. Oh, I can't wait, Dave. You got some extra paper? I can tell. And admit that to somebody. You know, admit all the crap, the petty little crap that you've been guilty of. You know the sexual stuff. I mean who wants to admit that stuff? I'm not sure I'd follow you there, Dave. You know? So until we truly understand what alcoholism is and we truly embrace just what we're up against, it's going to be very, very difficult for us to engage in these steps. Now we think you can take it. Here are the steps we took which are suggested as your program of recovery. You know, somewhere along the line it became okay not to do the steps in Alcoholics Anonymous, which is the worst thing that could have ever happened because we went from like 75% permanent recovery rate to like 2%, you know, because of those choices because, oh my God, we don't want to hurt anybody's feelings or tell anybody what to do. But the statistics on AA recidivism is unbelievable today. And it's all directly tied into people don't do the steps anymore. You know, I go to a 12-step fellowship, Dave. Dave asked me, well, did you do the 12 steps? Well, no. You know we just go and we share. You know that's all we do. It's unbelievable. so this is these are suggested as your program of recovery now it's not a program of suggestions like a lot of people will want you to think they'll want you think AA is like cafeteria style take what you want and leave the rest that is bad advice that would be like going to the hospital for cancer and the orderly telling you well do what you wanna do and don't worry about the rest that would insane wouldn't it Well, people do that to you in Alcoholics Anonymous and it's completely unbelievable. But they actually do. It's not a program of suggestions. It's a suggested program of recovery. So we suggest that you do this program, steps 1 through 12. It's an suggestion. Do you have to do it? No. You can continue to drink. I mean, they had no problem back in the day with you continuing to drink A lot of times they would suggest it if you didn't seem like you were willing enough to do these steps. They would suggest that you continue to drink because you'd be better off, in this book it says, you'd better off with a bad case of the jitters understanding the true nature of your problem than you would be if you weren't. Number one, admit that we are powerless over alcohol, dash, that our lives have become unmanageable. I believe the dash in language is the same as an equal sign in math. I don't think that this is saying that our lives have become unmanageable because we're alcoholic. I think it's all one thing. I think alcoholism and unmanagability are all part of the same thing. They're not necessarily causal. They're more genetic than anything else. Two, came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. Three, made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care and direction of God as we understood him. Four, made us searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. Five, admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. Six, were entirely willing that God remove all these defects of character. Seven, humbly on our knees asked God to remove our shortcomings holding nothing back. that's a you know when uh when the early the early guys read that they basically said bill you're asking people to get down on their knees you know isn't that a little extreme and so he pulled it out of here but but you you read some of the stories about dr bob and how he took people through the steps you get down On Your Knees to do a third step you get Down On Your Knee to do is seven step and if they didn't believe you were sincere enough they'd make you do it again and they bring in the rest of the guys look at him he's you know say it again it was just it was rough you think we have it rough eight made a list of all persons we had harmed that became willing to make complete amends to them all nine made direct amends to such people wherever possible except one to do so would enter them or others now notice this is probably the step that gets that gets shortchanged more than any other step in Alcoholics anonymous uh made made direct amends to such people wherever possible not whenever not like if it's convenient for me wherever possible if you can buy a plane ticket to fly to albuquerque to make the amends that's what you do and a lot of times what what's what's happened in in contemporary aa is we've got sponsors now who don't have experience with this step they didn't go out and make amends to all. They didn't pay all the money back. They didn' t go back and make amends for them all. So they allow us to shortchange our process. I believe that this particular step is what will put real horsepower in your recovery program. And to short change this step, your quality of life is going to be impacted forever directly proportional to how well you address this particular step. ten continue to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it eleven sought through prayer and meditation to improve our contact with God praying only for knowledge of his will for us and the power to carry that out twelve having had a spiritual experience as the result of this course of action we tried to carry this message to others especially alcoholics and to practice these principles in all of our affairs having had an spiritual experience as a result of this course of action. They were very, very specific in this. A spiritual awakening, how do you have a spiritual awakening? You have it through taking these 12 steps. If you think you've had a spiritual awakening and you haven't formally gone through these 12 Steps, you are mistaken. You've had maybe a spiritual experience, but the spiritual awakening that they're talking about is revolutionary. It's life-changing. And when you go through these steps and you address these steps to the absolute best of your ability, you have what is known as a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps. And it's unmistakable. It's the best deal you can get as an alcoholic, that spiritual awakening. You may exclaim what an order. I can't go through with it. Do not be discouraged. No one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles. We are not saints. The point is that we are willing to grow along spiritual lines. The principles we have set down are guides to progress. We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection. Our description of the alcoholic, the chapter to the agnostic, and our personal adventures before and after have been designed to sell you three pertinent ideas. A, that you are alcoholic and cannot manage your own life. B, that probably no human power can relieve your alcoholism. C, that God can and will. If you are not convinced on these vital issues, you ought to re-read this book to this point or else throw it away. Isn't that beautiful? Why would they say something like that? I can picture books flying out the window. They don't want to return. They don' t want to returne. They're stuck with 10,000 books they can't sell. Why would he say that? Why would they say you've got to re-read this book or else just throw it away or just forget the whole thing? Because the whole point of Alcoholics Anonymous in the early days was the spiritual awakening as the result of the steps. They could have cared less about meetings back then. They really could have. Meetings were a get-together where you talked about how many people you're taking through the steps, that's what the meetings were like in the earlier days. They weren't like bad Bob Newhart group therapy Like you can find today You know, oh let me tell you about my life And you know what If you were here last week I'll catch you up on the dysfunction of my life That's not what Alcoholics Anonymous was like Back in the day when it actually got results It was about The spiritual awakening As a result of these 12 steps It's about having a Revolutionary change in attitude Outlook behavior, belief systems. It was a complete rearrangement of personality that would happen. And it wasn't about getting relief. You know, a lot of us go to meetings to get some relief. In the early days, it was about getting freedom. Freedom from alcoholism, not relief. Today we have much too much relief and not enough freedom in the meetings. If you are convinced, you are now at Step three, which is that you make a decision to turn your will and your life over to God as you understand him. Just what do we mean by that? And just what do We do? There's a requirement. The first requirement is that You see that any life run on self-will can hardly be a success. Now, this is really, really hard for us. I'll tell a little story that will show you how hard it was for me. I signed myself into a treatment center. It was March 1989. alcohol was getting my attention I was fast drinking myself to death and and getting more and more violent as I did so I was not you know I knew that I had to do something or I was going to die so I saw myself in the rehab now I'd blown everything up in my life I totaled nine cars I'd had three DUIs I'd lost a family all of my friends my health was bad my eyes were yellow I was about 130 pounds soaking wet. There was nothing right in my life. It was just drama and dysfunction everywhere. And I signed myself into a treatment center, and in five minutes, I'm trying to organize the place. Okay? I'm try to say, look, they don't let us use the phone and the food sucks. You know, let's get together. You know? Stick with me and we'll be able... Is that insane? aren't you the guy living with your mother and you want us to follow you I was so insane but I believed that I was right I believed that I understood the inequity of this whole situation being a patient in Happy Hills and how this was not fair so it says that The first requirement is that we see that any life run on our own self-will. If we're making the decisions in our life, our life is going to be a failure. If we continue to make the decisions and to drive the bus and to move around and decide how we're going to interact with the world, if we keep doing that, our life will be a success. Our life is not going to end up like this. Our life will end up being a failure to move on. Because if you don't believe that, why would you do the rest of this work? which is looking at resentments and fears and conduct and asking God to get involved in your life to help remove character defects and prayer and meditation and working with others and all these spiritual principles that we're supposed to do. You know, why would you get involved with that if you thought you were doing a good job? You know... Now, a lot of times on the treatment commitments that I do, you know, I'll go in And for the most part, three-quarters of the people in these treatment centers, they're just doing time and they're waiting to get out. And this time it's going to be different. I've learned my lesson this time in this 28-day rehab. And thanks for all that information and the big book and all that stuff. I got this. I got that. And those are the people who are pretty much destined to continue to relapse because they've got it. They understand what they need to do. They don't need a lot of extra information. You know, I don't need to be talking to fanatics. I don'T need your literature and it sounds real religious and I'M NOT A RELIGIOUS GUY. And, you know, they've got their own philosophies, their own outlook and their own ideas about how things work and they DON'T need any information. Those are the people, if they ARE alcoholic, those are the People who are going to continue to relapse. If they'RE not alcoholic, those are the people that come into our meetings and drive us absolutely crazy in the closed-minded discussion meetings. You're just observing, right? I do not judge. On that basis, we're almost always in collision with something or somebody even though our motives may be good. Now this is when they start talking to us about our operational methodology. Why do we keep shooting ourselves in the foot? You know, why do we keep ending up in detoxes and rehabs and getting thrown out of the house and the cops? Why is this always happening to us? Most people try to live by self-propulsion. Each person is like an actor who wants to run the whole show. He's forever trying to arrange the lights, the ballet, the scenery, and the rest of the players in his own way. If his arrangements would only stay put, if only people would do as he wishes, the show would be great. everybody including himself would be pleased life would be wonderful in trying to make these arrangements our actor may be sometimes quite virtuous he may be kind considerate patient generous even modest and self-sacrificing on the other hand he may mean egotistical selfish and dishonest but as with most humans he is more likely to have varied traits now now what is this the actor who wants to run the whole show let's pretend now we're all here to do a Shakespeare's play, all right? Dave is the director. I'm an actor. I'm playing like not even a lead role. You know, I'm playing, you know, somebody that just has a walk-on and I start to read the script and I started to look at how Dave is directing this and I'm like, hold on, hold on Dave, hold one. You know I don't think this is how it should go. I think I should have more speaking roles. I think that this should be more about me and You know, where there's the scene with Romeo and Juliet. I think I should be in there somewhere, you know? And now, can you imagine, like, the director, like just going, you're fired, get out of here. But that's the way we are. I sign myself into a treatment center and I try to organize it. You know? I go to family functions and they're all disrespecting me. I take jobs and my boss is an idiot. You know, I get in trouble with the cops and they're out to get me. They're like, you know, for some reason they got a vendetta. I mean, I am like the actor who's trying to run the whole show. I don't think that the world should be treating me this way. And I want things to change. Now, this is an unbelievably egotistical, selfish and self-centered platform to be on. So Bill is pointing this out to us, softening us up for the fourth step, which is basically going to be coming pretty soon. Right? Okay. Hi everyone, my name is David Palma, I'm a grateful recovered alcoholic. Thank you. Did I tell a Cecil Hotel story last week? Anybody remember that? No, I remember Cecil Hotels, I don't remember what she said though. That just confused me. I don' t know why. So, you know, the beautiful part about how it works is that it's a clear and concise set of directions. And the reason that it is not titled something else is because this is how it works. Not surprisingly. It's not why it works. It is not when it works, it is not where it works...it's how it work.s And in the late thirties there was a fellow who had gotten sober in Manhattan working with Bill Wilson who was his sponsor and he had great success in stopping drinking. And his sister traveled to Los Angeles and was very impressed with everything that had gone on with her brother. I may have part of the story wrong so I urge you to check on the internet between now and next week so you can correct me. But she traveled to Los Angeles and there was no big book out there but she wanted to try to help other wives and sisters and friends so she called up her brother and said what's the deal how can I be helpful to people he goes well we have this manuscript now and we're trying to get this thing published and in the manuscript it gives a set of ideas about what happened to us and what it's like now and everything that's going on she goes why don't you send me a copy so he sends a copy out to her and she runs an ad in one of the LA newspapers And it says, wives, does your husband drink too much? You know, if he does, I might have a solution. Come to Friday night at the Cecil Hotel. And on Friday night, about ten wives come dragging ten husbands into the Cecel Hotel. And nobody knows how to get sober. So what does the woman do? She hands the manuscript to one of the ten guys and sends them into a conference room where they're all going to sit down and figure this thing out. And these ten alcoholics are sitting there going, you know, if I come out of this room too quick, my wife is going to throttle me. And what do we do, guys? And they go, oh, no. So they're looking through the manuscript, and they come to the chapter, how it works. And that's where they start reading in the manuscript how it worked. And that'S probably why one ofthe reasons that we read how it work now at the beginning of meetings. So there's some clear-cut directions for us. I don't know about you, but I was a little mocus when I came to the door and everything was new and I didn't fit in and I had no idea what was going to happen. So some clear cut directions were awfully nice. There was a fellow who went to that first meeting. His name was Morty Joseph and he was a milkman from L.A. Morty would go on to remain sober for many years. That was the first AA meeting west of the Rockies. Morty Would Stay Sober for Many Years and at one point there was about eight people sober west of The Rockies He's having Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, and they got a call from number eight. Number eight had gone out drinking that night. He says, you've got to send somebody over, Morty. You've got sent somebody over. And Morty sends one of the other alcoholics over, and he gets a call a half an hour later. Morty, he's drunk too. You've gotta send some more guys, Mortie. So Morty sent two more alcoholics there, and he get's a call about an hour late, and all four of them are drunk. And he goes, you've got to send some more guys over, Morty. And he says, okay. He sends two more guys over there. And he gets a call about an hour later. Morty, we're all drunk. You've got it coming yourself. He goes, screw you! I think you just wiped out 75% of AA west of the Rockies. I'm staying here. But the amazing part about that whole concept is this starts with a very simple, clear, and concise set of directions. Right? And what happens is we've spent weeks now talking about one, two, and three and laying out the experience, strength, and hope that we get from Bill Wilson as well as the doctor's opinion and all these things that we have an understanding of what it looks like when I come through the door. Why am I so damaged? Now imagine this. A year before I come into Alcoholics Anonymous for the first time I'm sitting on a bar stool somewhere and it's January and I've got my best drinking buddy next to me and I'm complaining about the government. I'm complaining about my job. You know, I'm complaining about her or the lack of her. You know I'm complaining about the bartender who's not moving fast enough you know and a year you know a little over a year later I'm in Alcoholics Anonymous you know and I'm outside after the meeting I'm complainant about you know my employer and I' m complainant about the government and I am complainant about her, or lack of her you know, complainant about the speaker. What's changed? I've come and put my butt on a seat, but I haven't changed anything. Isn't that the nature? How many times have you gone outside and started talking with somebody who doesn't like Dave or doesn't Like The Meeting format or who's not being treated well at work or is not being treatment well at home? And I begin to understand the nature of my problem is not them, it's me. and I start to understand that I have to be given a set of tools that helps me identify where I'm in the way. And that's what we're going to talk about in a second, the actor and the director. We're goingto talk about the things that separate me. The concept that I came in here with was that I was devoid of God. You people had God but I was devoided of God What I've come to realize later on is that God has always been there and the power of God has always bene infinite. This is not my understanding. I'm not saying this should be your understanding I'm just saying that this is my understanding. And that infinite amount of power, since it's always been there, that really leads me to one uncomfortable answer. The only thing that has been blocking me between me and that power has been me. It can't be something else, can it? Because if the power was... I don't create the power because I suddenly come in and hang out with you people and get a nice lukewarm cup of coffee and some stale donuts. That's not what happens. I don'T suddenly create something that exists already. I have blocked that off from me and it's always been there I don't believe that I'll ever be able to make a tap into that infinite amount of power I just don't know how I would ever get to that level I don' t understand that I don''t understand infinity that's a tad beyond my reasoning skills the concept that I might get closer to God is the concept that drives me today and how am I going to get closer to God I've got to shed myself of myself it's really just that simple And now we're getting to the, not that one, two, and three is not the meat and potatoes of the program, right? But I can be willing to turn my will and life over to the care of God. But if I'm not capable of doing new actions, I will find myself outside the rooms of alcoholics and honest, making fun of people, berating groups, right, and finding reasons why watching reruns of Dexter are more fun than hanging out with you people working the steps. Because that is my nature when self-directed. what usually happens the show doesn't come off very well he begins to think life doesn't treat him right he decides to exert himself some more he becomes on the next occasion still more demanding or gracious as the case may be who here has found that they've treated them so very very nice but they just don't seem to come around to your point of view damn them who here have yelled at those people to get them in line. Who here has been on hold with a computer technology company waiting for the answers to why you have a blue screen, right? I remember one time and I hate to say this but this was about four or five years ago I was on the phone with IBM and I had bought this high-end laptop and it wasn't working to my satisfaction and I was screaming at this guy in the end and then I hung up with him and said I'm very dissatisfied with the technical support from IBM they really have let me down this multi-billion dollar company how could they do this to me and then I flip the computer over the laptop over and I never connected the two wires to the wireless card to get the wireless signal well this is embarrassing I now know what to do so I call the help center back and say you know I was just speaking to a really nice guy and I was yelling at him he goes oh yeah we were just talking about you I'm like I'd like to make an amends to this fellow He goes, well, he's on the phone with another customer, but I am his supervisor. And I explained to him the entire thing about the fact that it was completely my fault. It was nothing that he tried to do. He tried to be helpful, right? And throughout any given moment in that conversation, I was demanding. But I've done it the other way, right. I've approached you with an idea and a concept that I will manipulate you to do what I want you to do in recovery by being gracious. Why don't I just be gracious to you, see my point of view? I may never leave if you don't see my point of views. I'll just be graceful so you can't stand me. Right? I will use whatever tools at my disposal because this world doesn't seem to fit. This world seems to be an awkward place to be in and I've got to fix it somehow. I've gotta get that one thing. I gotta get the computer fixed. I clicked on the wrong theater to buy tickets for the other day and I go this isn't gonna work. I don't wanna go there to see that movie and it wasn't their fault, it was my fault And I just said, you know what? It's not even worth going to support. It's $24 out the window. And that's just what it is because I'm not going to spend an hour on the phone with somebody trying to get something fixed. On the other hand, when I've called up and been actually a member of Alcoholics Anonymous and been level-headed and adult and reasonable, I've had the most amazing things happen. Most amazing things happened. When devoid of ego, people recognize that. Non-alcoholics recognize that, and things happen made a ski resort destination with my son last year and the woman called me and she goes did you just make ski resort destinations with us and I'm automatically leery right I think they're going to try and sell me something right don't you hate when people try to sell you something no scum they're calling me up and they're trying to be nice and they are trying to sell me something they are trying to separate me from my hard earned money not that I have any financial insecurity issues right and she starts she goes I'm really glad that you're staying with us and she started to explain some things to me she goes why didn't you choose a package. I said, well, I figured you're trying to get over on me. You know, I think the package is probably some way of just extracting more money from me. And I was just being nice. She goes, yeah, she goes, that's actually not the case. If you had just simply chosen this package, you could have saved $200. She says, I'll do that for you now and we'll give you $200 back on your credit card. I'm looking at the phone going, this is not how life has treated me in the past. Life has treated me poorly in the past. Doesn't this woman understand she's supposed to be on the other side? And she starts to tell me all these things. And literally, I basically ended up getting $200 back, and then spending it on a whole bunch of other stuff. So for the same amount of money, by me just being separated from the process, not trying to manage control, not try to be gracious, not trying to be demanding, things worked out perfectly. Now, it may have been that she was trying to sell me something, but things would have worked out perfectly anyway. And that's my idea. If I can get finally separated from a concept that I need to manage and control this stuff, things work out. It's the oddest thing. Now, if the only reason I think I've ever had any spiritual experiences in the rooms of Alcoholics on us is because it worked out one time and I was willing to try it one more time. Aren't we a disgruntled lot? Aren't мы unwilling to accept anything unless we get something out of it? The very first time that I did what somebody told me to do because it would just be okay, I did it and it was actually okay. That was very awkward and weird because I had never really experienced that before. I'd always thought it was something different. And that's my preconceived notion about how all these things are going to look. still the plate does not suit him admitting he may be somewhat at fault he is sure that the other people are more to blame he becomes angry indignant and self-pitying what is his basic trouble here we go is he not really a self-seeker even when trying to be kind is he not a victim of the delusion that he can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if he only manages well if I only manage well as opposed to I show up is it not evident to all the rest of the players that these are the things he wants so how can somebody sitting across me give me my due if they automatically know I'm there to get right you ever notice that people become wary of dealing with Dave because Dave's always looking for something I remember times where I've called people I haven't spoken to in a while and the conversation gets around to and what do you want Dave well how did you know I was calling about something silence that's happened to me on more than one occasion and I took that into inventory and I realized this is exactly what I was doing I wouldn't call you unless I had an agenda in recovery separated thinking that I'm no longer in the middle of the road thinking that solidly have a third step and suddenly realizing that God is laughing at me left and right just gives me a little bit more today oh by the way here's another piece of your delusion have a nice day and off I go to realize that I'm nowhere near where I think I should be and where I feel like I should and where do I think I should is so much farther down the road than I ever thought I would be that it's just one of those moments of rude awakening where I just realized how damaged a vehicle I drove into this world right and do not his actions make each of them wish to retaliate snatching all they can get out of the show is he not even in his best moments a producer of confusion rather than harmony you ever show up with good intentions and have the whole place just spin out of control anybody here ever been to an AA business meeting ever showup with good intentions our actor is self-centered egocentric so people like to call it nowadays he's like a retired businessman who lolls in the Florida sunshine in the winter complaining of the sad fate of the nation, the preacher who sighs over the sins of the 20th century politicians and reformers who are sure all would be utopia if the rest of the world would only behave the outlaw safecracker who thinks society has wronged him and the alcoholic who has lost all and is locked up. Whatever their protestations are not these people mostly concerned with themselves their resentments or their self pity. I really didn't like being associated with the safe cracker because it struck too close to home for me you know I thought and I'm talking about years into the rooms of alcohol assignments that secretly I had this secret that I wasn't going to really share with you people which is that I was a sociopath I was just this generally nice guy who I'd watch these late night TV shows on the Discovery channel or History channel and they go yes John Wayne Gacy was a fine fellow to hang out with and to speak to he had a personal demeanor and then he killed people in his basement I would think that's got to be me I've got to Be the fine person to hang out with where I have this banter about me that people just like me and then I'm going to kill people in my basement I had never done that, I had no evidence of that fact but I thought I was a sociopath it turns out and that actually just came to me recently in prayer that it's absolutely impossible for me to be a sociopath because I find that I care more about others than I do about the satisfactions that I receive in this world, right? But isn't it true? Don't my actions speak like that of a sociopath? Don't I go out and seek things from you constantly? Don't i try to woo you with with a little bit of humor or some some pithy banter or something else and i want to get something from you? Maybe i'll be extra nice to you. Maybe i'm not feeling well. Let me get you some chicken noodle soup or your favorite tea or something. Let me buy you this little knickknack but in the back of my mind I've got an agenda? How often do I actually show up to be of service with absolutely no desire to get anything in return, even in the spiritual world? It is very difficult for this alcoholic to become truly altruistic. I don't know that I'll ever get there. And I'm not sure that any human being can. I think that's one of the things that we have to strive for that we can never find. I mean, you know, if you read some of Mother Teresa's work, you'll find that she never considered herself altruist. she's just one of the army out there doing the deal and in understanding that I can't be altruistic I can at least examine my actions and the truth of what they are in the light of the day and know where I'm at I love this, it's funny my first sponsor had just gotten a year and I had just got 90 days and I asked him to sponsor me he had this really happy smile on his face all the time you know the people who look brain dead and I knew his home life was horrible I knew that his work life was horrible but he was happy and I want what he had I just wanted what he has and I really didn't think I was ever going to get it and I said to him will you sponsor me and he goes yes and I say oh goody and I asked what should I do and he said read 62 and 63 every day and call me I said where do you start and he says you'll know I said well where do you finish? He goes, you'll know. I immediately upgraded my choice of sponsors. But anyway, this is where it starts, right? Selfishness and self-centeredness. Selfish-self-centered that we think is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity. We step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt us seemingly without provocation but we invariably find that at some point in the past we have made decisions based on self which later places us in a position to be hurt. So our troubles, we think are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves and the alcoholic is almost the most extreme example that could be found of self-will run riot though he usually doesn't think so. Above everything we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness we must or it kills us. God makes that possible and there is no way of entirely getting rid of self without him we may have moral philosophical convictions galore but you can't live up to them even though you'd like to neither can you reduce your self-centeredness much by wishing or trying on your own power you must have God's help that's a pretty important set of paragraphs there one of the things that I have found in inventory is that I had a list of people. So it was funny, you know, Chris was talking about resentments. Oh, gee, let's sit down and do resentments, Dave. Let's have fun, you now. And I came in the rooms. This is the God's honest truth in 2004 for my second journey into the rooms in August. And I would tell you I had no resentments because I had gotten even in every case. You know, if you had harmed me, I harmed you worse, right? I would just burn you up like there's no tomorrow. I mean, people who worked for me that left to go work for somebody else and did so in bad terms. I'd hire attorneys and just make their life miserable. And when I came into the rooms, I said, I don't have any resentments. I know I have harms. I had a whole list of harms, but I had no resentments What ends up happening for me is that I go into inventory and I start to disclose and understand what the nature of my truth is and my truth isn't separation from God, so it's a set of delusions But the nature of my truth is it becomes far more easy to identify where the resentments exist. And that's what they're talking about. When I'm able to have an inventory process going on and I am looking at where I've actually harmed people, things start to pop into my head left and right. I start to get an idea of people I've harmed that I never thought I had harmed. I had the experience about four years ago. I stepped on an elevator in the building I was working in. Maybe it was five years ago at this point. I stepped in a building that I was working in, and who was there but a woman that I had an affair with in 1984 and 85. And I thought, hey, how you doing? You know? And I said hello to her. She said hello To me. We had a brief elevator conversation, you know, like 11 floors worth of chatting and seeing how things are. she got off the elevator and I went to my floor and between where she got off and my floor I suddenly realized oh it hurt her men's because not only had I had an affair with her but the person that she wasn't married but the first person that she counted as her significant other I counted as my only best friend in the world right talk about selfishness and self-centeredness and she had never been on my resentment list because I had always figured she was a party to the actions. I had never looked at my side of the coin. My side ofthe coin was when caught I threw her under the bus with me and I suddenly realized I need to make amends here. So I immediately reached out to her and I said you know I'd like to sit down have some coffee with you and discuss some things and we had I had a couple of phone conversations, and she would never quite commit to meeting me someplace. You ever have those conversations where you're just kind of trying to figure out what works? And she kept saying to me, why don't you call me next week, and we'll figure something out. Okay, fine. So I called her next week. She would never commit to a thing. And I started to get the sense that what was going on here was that she didn't want to meet me. I'm kind of thick sometimes. but if someone's not making an appointment she doesn't want to meet me finally I said I am not to impose myself on somebody else I am to make the heartfelt approach to see if they will listen to my amends and I made the heartfelt approach and I explained that this was not about me that this is about her getting free of me that I wanted to help her get free of me and she never responded right and I reached out to her several times before that and that was my final email to her telling her that this is what I wanted to do that had nothing to do with me and I wanted very much to help her get free and that's it right that's the word under the bridge I was not capable of seeing that early on because I did not know where I'd stepped on the toes of my fellows because my world was so narrow it was all about me and I never thought of others I never had compassion I never had caring and I never knew where I'd harmed you because if it wasn't in my face about what made me happy, I was not willing to review it. What God has this funny plan for me is that every time I go through inventory and I find new amends, and I make those amends. What happens is he gives me a whole set of new amens. How funny is he? Ha ha. I bet you he has one of those AA smiles all the time, right? For all I know. It drives me nuts. But that's the truth of the experience. And that's what they're telling me here is that this stuff will be revealed at its appropriate time. I just have to be willing and honest to take that journey and to go through that process. So, it says here also on the end of the second paragraph, you may have moral and philosophical convictions galore, but you can't live up to them even though you'd like to. what are moral convictions what do you guys think of moral convictions I see this as a moral conviction is my typically my religious upbringing and my religious beliefs those are the things that have defined my morals over the years now my parents could have given me a set of morals as opposed to taking me to church that would define it I could have grown up in an ashram or a commune and I could've had a hippie set of morals or I'm going to have some other set of morals. It doesn't matter where my morals come from. Ultimately what I'm going to find in my life is that I have a set of morals and I violate those morals in every respect. I can come here with a full and complete understanding of what my morals are and be in conflict with them. I can be well taught and well trained in my morals. But they don't seem to do me any good at the end of the day when the drink is facing me and I'm facing the drink and I know that's the only thing that's going to fix my problem. How about the philosophical, right? Philosophical is my thinking mind. It's my ability to rationalize, to think the drink through. We talked about knowledge earlier, didn't we? We have knowledge. We have knowledgeable lore. I don't know how much you guys, but the times that I woke up, I remember one time I wokeup, it's really disappointing when you come out of a blackout on the turnpike at the rest area where they're selling gasoline, your doors are open, and the H-Rack is cranked to the highest possible level, and you're sleeping on your steering wheel. How many people have woke up in their car going, You know? Disappointing times that come out of blackouts. And I knew these things were happening to me. I crashed this car one time. I actually got it airborne. Silly thing. A dozen gin and tonics and some non-commerce approved materials. Rainy night. Stolen car. I decided to go to sleep. The end of a T Street, I caught some air after taking out these two cars. I had all this experience over the things that didn't work in my life. I had the intelligence level to know that these things weren't working. It just conflicted with everything that I did and everything that i thought. It doesn't matter whether or not I said to myself, I've got to stop. Stopping and guarding a stop with knowledge doesn't work for me. Nor does having a set of standard highfalutin morals. It doesn' t work for m e. this is the how and why but first of all quit playing God so here's a little bit different than the book right I'm reading from the manuscript quit playing God yourself it doesn't work next decide that hereafter in this drama of life God is going to be your director he is the principal you are to be his agent pretty direct comment this is not what you find in the book right he is the father and you are his child get that simple relationship straight that's pretty up front huh most good ideas are simple, and this concept is to be the keystone of the new and triumphant arch through which you will pass to freedom. Now I've got a question for you guys. What is the purpose of a keystone? Holds everything together. Without it, the arches will not stand. They will fall upon themselves. The keystone, by the way, is that one stone that's usually bigger than the others and cut at a different angle than the others, and it's in the top part of the arch. And without that, arches will not saying the Romans found that out when they started building arches. You had to have a keystone. And they're very direct here. There's no ambiguity here. There's not, well hang out we'll work the first step in the first year. Or meeting makers make it or get a coffee commitment. It's pretty clear that we have to get with God. I didn't make this stuff up. It's in the book and it's in the original manuscript. so I'm going to actually end there and I'm going to open it up for questions we have about 12 minutes and the floor is now open