Step Three and the Bondage of Self – Step 3 – Part 1 of 2 – Bob D.

Hi, everybody. My name is Rose. I'm an alcoholic. My day of grace is May 10, 1998. I have a sponsor who is taking me through the work. She has a sponsor. Her sponsor also has a sponsored. I have several sponsors that I take to the work We do the work right through the big book. And what I'm here today to speak to you about is step three. And we have this little workbook thing that's got a format thing in it. And first of all, I just want to start out by qualifying very briefly. The first time I took a drink, I was about three years old. It was not something that I was like, oh, I need relief, I'm going to take a drink. It was just the pretty pink stuff at a barbecue. You know, it was like wine coolers. You know it was the 70s. Wine coolers were very in. My parents were at a party in California where we lived and I walked around the room after everybody left and went outside to the hot tub and I drank the pretty pink stuff. You know, I thought it was kind of cool and it was probably fuzzy or something but it was pretty so I drank it and everybody thought it Was real funny you know, a three-year-old bobbling around you know all drunk until I blew pink chunks all over the bathroom. So that was the first time I drank and every time I drink after that it was almost the same deal um it was except as i grew older um the first time i drank really to um when i was a teenager it was really to escape because i was very nervous i was very awkward i you know speaking in front of a class like this like i used i was the girl that did this it was like oh my name is rose and um you know and i'd shake uncontrollably i was totally nervous i was so uncomfortable i always felt like i was not good enough i always thought that everybody was going to criticize me i never felt good enough I always felt alone it didn't matter how many people were around me um that's just how i was it was an overachiever who just thought that no matter what I did, I was never going to be good enough. When I drank, all that disappeared. For me, alcohol was my solution. It worked very well. I got sober. Well, I went to treatment. I didn't get sober. I went into treatment when I was 24 years old. At that point, I had a five-year-old child and I didn't realize it, but at that point the only thing that I had left was my child. And my parents, if I hadn't agreed to go to treatment at that point, they were going to petition for custody. Um, I had lost, I'd been married. I had lost that marriage. I'd had vehicles and they were gone and I had jobs. They were gone. I had gotten fired as a result of my alcohol abuse. Um. I was not a very good mother. I did things like I left her at home by herself so I could go out and get more booze because I needed it. Um... I'm also one of those kinds of people that when I drink, I will actually make myself puke so that I can make more room for more booze. Like, that's just how I roll. It's not a pretty thing. There's nothing pretty about me being drunk. It's disgusting. I will puke on your feet. I will puke out your door, you know, the window. I will nuke off your roof. I will muke anywhere, really. And it's pretty sad. I mean, it's very sad. So I went into treatment when I was 24 years old, really on a moment of grace because any other time anybody had ever said, you know, you drink too much, I was like, well, yeah. Really? You noticed? It was, you know. Captain obvious. I mean, I knew that I drank too much. I mean it's really expensive to fund a habit where you're drinking a fifth of Jack Daniels in a day. I mean I know it's a lot and I didn't understand that that was a problem because it was my solution, you know. Everybody else that I knew had a problem with my drinking. Drinking was my medication so I didn' t really have a problem with it. The day that I went to treatment was literally God's grace stepping into my life. They said, You need to check yourself into treatment and I said, Okay. I have no idea where that came from but I said okay. I was willing for like a millisecond um after i got out of treatment about two weeks later i did use a another non-conference approved substance which is why i don't say that i got sober when i went to treatment um i didn't think it counted because this is aa and that was not alcohol but for me it counts and so my sobriety date is May 10th, 1998. When it comes to step three on this format that I have it really breaks it down pretty simply step three problem is self-sufficiency anybody ever heard of self-?ufficient? It's totally self-suficient I'm an independent woman I was divorced by the time I was 21 or 22, something like that. And so I had to make it happen. I had? get the job. I had ?? pay the bills. I had TO take care of my own stuff. So I made it happen, and that's what I do. I'm also a control freak, which is another term for self-sufficiency. I'm Also a results-oriented person. Control freak. I really didn't have when I first got sober and even when I was drinking I didn't really have too much of an issue with the outcome as long as it was the way I expected it to be I was good with that it didn't matter to me how I got there I was going to do whatever I needed to do in order to get what I needed, period and if that meant trampling over you then I'd do it If it meant, you know, being your girlfriend for a little while, I'd do it. If it mean schmoozing or BSing or brown-nosing or whatever it was, I do it That's a characteristic that I carried over from young childhood. It was always teacher's pet, all that kind of stuff. I could also get away with murder. You know, there was always an ulterior motive. It's funny because when I think about when I was drinking in high school, At one point, I cut school. I used to cut school every day. I'd go out and I'd get lunch with some friends and we'd come back and, you know, we'd do things that we weren't supposed to do. And one time I got into a car accident coming back from school, or from lunch. Not going back to school, from lunch that I wasn't supposed be out at. And I got rear-ended, got the car totaled, car was towed away, got a ride from the cop back to the high school. and I actually walked into the principal's office and talked my way out of it. Talked my way out of It. I didn't get in trouble I had no suspension, no detention nothing. That's the story of my life right there I would do stuff because basically I would say well I'm a straight A student, I'm your number 4 track runner, I work two jobs to pay all my bills, what else do you want from me? And that was my, you know, that was my thing. You know, I did everything to keep everything on the outside looking relatively okay so that everybody else would leave me alone. It's a very lonely existence. So the self-sufficiency, like people used to say to me, you know, well, you don't have to run everything. And I was like, well yeah I do. I'm a single mother. Who else is going to run this ship, you know? I didn't really understand that. And when people, you know, in the beginning I used to go to eight meetings a week because it was my job to get sober, according to my parents. I lived with them for, in the beginning, because I was totally bankrupt in every way, shape, and form. So I went to meetings like it was my job. And I did the beginner's meetings, you know, the one-two-three, one- two-three. I didn' t realize that in the big book, it says right at the end of three that next we launched into our inventory. I never caught that. It doesn't say go back to one. But I did that. I did the 1-2-3, 1-1-2. And when people said things like turn it over, let go, let God, I thought that that meant, and this is how not to do, step three. Let me just be really clear. Do not do this. And if you're doing it, stop. I thought that that meant that any time anything bad happened that I didn't know how to handle, I was supposed to take a deep breath, push it down, and tell you I was fine. Okay? I thoughtthat letting go and letting God was just pretending it didn't exist. And that is not the case. It's not how we do it. That's not the practice of step three at all. That's the practice is denial, which is dishonest and causes a mess. If our problem in step three is self-sufficiency, then the solution in step two is self. Step three is God dependence. Now, when I got here, I didn't really have a God. It didn't make a lot of sense to me. I kind of pretended that I had a clue, okay? But if you look at the wording of step three, it's pretty clear. It says, made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him. And somebody said something, I don't remember when it was, but it made a lot of sense to me. I turned my will and my life over to The Care of Alcohol for a decade. Every day. Just about. everything. I turned my will and my life over the care of alcohol on a regular basis. It wasn't that hard, and it did not take a lot of effort. It was a decision, sort of. I mean, is it a decision? I don't know. Considering I'm powerless over alcohol, so there probably wasn't a whole lot of decision-making in there. But now I'm in a place where I'm not drinking, and I can make choices. So I'm asked to make a decision, just a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understood him. And I didn't really understand God. So i had a bit of an issue with that. But I could feel God when I went out into nature. And so I would kind of like go out into nature and I could Feel a little bit at peace. And any problems that I was having, I'd kind of take it. I'd go for a walk. I do whatever I needed to do to just kind of get quiet. All right. So that was my version of step three at the time. It wasn't super effective, but it seemed to be enough. I mean, it was like kind of scraping the surface and that seemed to be enough at that point to keep me from not drinking. Now I wasn't happy in any way, shape or form, just so you know. Um, but I wasn'T drinking. And at that Point, that was really what I was looking for. Over the period of years, step three has changed drastically for me. Anytime I feel that feeling that I am trying to control the outcome of something, I mean, I feel it in my body. I get very, very tight. You know, my chest gets tight. It's hard for me to breathe. I have problems swallowing. I get really shaky. I start getting really nervous. I get really distracted. Um, I start forgetting stuff all the time, um, because I'm like totally obsessing over something that's usually because I'm not asking God to come in. All right. If I need to turn my will and my life over to the care of God, it doesn't say made a decision to turn my drinking over to care of god as we understood him. It says my will and my life, you know, my will in my life are my thoughts and my actions. It's a little bigger than just my drinking. So my thoughts and my actions, you know? Um, it's funny because when I love the part that they do in the big book about the, about step three, they talk about, there's this paragraph on here that talks about, um, it's just, it'S so perfect. And it is my favorite way to do it. If you go to page 60 right after the ABCs. It says being convinced, being convinced. Being convinced of what? A, that we were alcoholic and could not manage our own lives. I had proved that to myself over and over and over again. It was clear, crystal clear, that probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism. I tried using every human being I knew to cure me of my ism, whatever it was. It was alcoholism, but even my untreated alcoholism when I first got sober. I used a relationship in the beginning to try to make me better, make me feel whole, and see that God could and would if he were sought. That one I wasn't totally convinced, but I was like, you know what? If God can't and he won't, I mean, if he's not sought, then what do I have to lose? If I am seeking him, maybe it'll work. And that was really all I had. The first requirement is that we be convinced that any life run on self-will can hardly be a success. On that basis, we are almost always in collision with something or somebody even though our motives are good. Anybody ever experience that? And again, the story of my life. When I read that sentence early, early on i was like whoa that's me i'm always in collision with everybody and everything i didn't realize that that was not a good thing i thought that was i don't know um each person is like an actor who wants to run the whole show okay now what i'm going to do is i'm just going to personalize this because when i personalize it it makes a lot more sense to me okay rose is like an actor Who wants to Run The Whole Show She Is Forever Trying To Arrange The Lights The Ballet the scenery, and the rest of the players in her own way. If Rose's arrangements would only stay put, if people would only do as Rose wished, the show would be great. Anybody identify with that? If everybody would just do it my way, it would be cool. Everybody, including Rose, would be pleased. Life would be wonderful. In trying to make these arrangements, Rose may sometimes be quite virtuous. He may be kind, or she may be kinda, considerate, patient, generous, even modest and self-sacrificing on the other hand she may be mean egotistical selfish and dishonest but as with most humans he is more likely to have varied traits that kind of hit home to me because i am a chameleon i'm a total chameLEON i will adjust to my environment wherever i am i've done it all my life you know i was a jock i was track runner so i hung out with the jocks I hung it I listened to all the you know I followed the dead and you know did all that kind of stuff so I adjusted to that scene and I adjust wherever I need to adjust in order to get what I need so I'm very very familiar with that okay what usually happens the show doesn't come off very well Rose begins think to think life doesn't treat her right that was like my mantra you know i'm a victim um she decides to exert herself more Next time I'll try harder. I'll just try harder, and I would. I'd exert more energy into every situation that I came to. She becomes on the next occasion still more demanding or gracious as the case may be. Whatever the situation calls for, I'll bring it. Right? Still the play does not suit her. Admitting she may be somewhat at fault, She is sure that other people are more to blame, hence my inventory. She becomes angry, indignant, self-pitying. Self-pittying is my, that's my key right there. Big pity parties. What is her basic trouble? Is she really not a self-seeker even when trying to be kind? I didn't like that sentence too much. I was like, hey, hey whoa. Oh, is she not the victim of the delusion that she can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of the world if she only manages well? I didn't realize that that was a delusion. I thought it was the truth. I really did. I thought It was the Truth. If I just try harder, then I will be enough. You'll like me if I try harder. I'll be accepted if I Try Harder. Right? is it not evident to all the rest of the players that these are the things she wants and if they didn't realize that they were out and do not her actions make each of them wish to retaliate snatching all they can get out of the show absolutely is she not even in her best moments a producer of confusion rather than harmony that's me next page says selfishness, self-centeredness. That we think is the root of our troubles. When we say, you know, selfishness and self-centeredness, that we think is the fruit of my troubles. Selfish and self centered. That's what it revolves around. That's the truth. Okay? It was kind of a hard pill to swallow. Okay. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self seeking and self pity. We step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. That line right there hit me like a brick wall. I had no idea how fear driven I was. Totally fear driven. Every decision I ever made and every decision I didn't make was based on fear. I got married out of fear I had a baby out of fear I got divorced out of fear I didn't go away to college out of fear I went to county college out of fear I you know had roommates out of fear I did everything out of fear everything I'd stay at jobs out of fear I'd leave jobs out of fear everything I did was fear motivated all of it it was all like a continuous panic attack it was a lot of fun sometimes they hurt us seemingly without provocation but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt that line right there became very very important to me when i was writing my inventory because when i wrote my inventory and i wrote that fourth column out and i found out exactly what i did to place myself in a condition to be hurt it was usually selfishness self-centeredness and self-seeking that always put me in that place to be smashed. And then I'm the victim for me, right? So our troubles we think are basically of our own making, which is great news. My problems, all my troubles in my life are of my own making. Now that was actually very, very cool for me because if my troubles are of mine, if they're of my onemaking, then my own freedom is of my omemaking. No? yeah i can stop making trouble me i mean like i was the biggest troublemaker that never got in trouble i did not get arrested i didn't get driven home by the cops unless i asked them for a ride like after the car accident and when my car got hooked in new york um you know i every single all those circumstances these are not the things that made my life unmanageable These are the circumstances of my drinking. Every single one of those things, like when I got beat up by my best friend and she gave me a concussion and when I'd wake up in strange places with strange people strangely clothed and when i would drive people's cars kind of on the road and scare the crap out of people when I would get into fights with people and not remember it the next day and they didn't want to talk to me ever again when these friendships that I had for years and years and years would just disappear, and I had no idea why. All those troubles were of my own making. The cool thing is now I don't have to make those problems. I don' t have to manufacture drama. I don''t have to manufacturer issues. I don ''t have manufacture any of that. I don?'t have manufacturer my own misery anymore. I'm a professional misery manufacturer. It's unfortunate there's no money in it. But because there's no money in it, there's only suffering in it for me. And I don't have to do it anymore, which is a decision that I can make. I can take the money and I can make the decision the other way too. I can do that in a heartbeat. If I want to have a pity party, I'm going to have a pity party. I don' t send out invitations. Sorry. And it says in here, you know, this is actually pretty interesting it says our troubles arise out of ourselves and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot though he usually doesn't think so i really didn't think that i was you know self-willed run riot i really did you know but there are certain times in my life where you know i have people in my life that will say self-well run riot I'm like oh you know that just means i need to look at it am i doing it am I doing it again yeah sometimes i do it. I do it at work a lot. That's where I do it a lot, and it says, above all, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness. We must or it kills us, okay? So to get rid of it, it says God makes it possible. Okay. So God makes it impossible, and you know, I was kind of eh on the whole God thing. And, you know, in the past few years, well, I guess the first time I went through all the steps was when I had like right around six years of sobriety. And you know up until that point I had gotten to the point in sobrietry where I was suicidal. I was not drinking. I Was not doing drugs. I wasn't medicated. But I wanted to kill myself pretty regularly. And I thought about it a lot. And my sister even threatened to call the suicide hotline and I threatened her not to. Um, it was, I was not a happy person. Okay. I was about five and a half, six years sober and I was not working a, I Was working a program, but it just wasn't this program. You know, I was going to meeting, I had written some inventory. I had never made amends. I was, i'd never made direct amends I was making like those, those stealth amends, you know, those living amends where you don't explain anything and you just act nicer. You know, it's people were waiting for me to just flip again. You know, um, it was not, it wasn't a good way to live. It was not a happy camper and I refused to pick up a drink pretty much out of stubbornness, which is bizarre. But, um. By the time I had about six years, I wanted to kill myself and I actually went through the steps. I did a very, very thorough inventory and I found out the truth about myself. And part of this, when I went through step three, at that point it was literally, literally read it, get to the prayer, hit your knees, do the prayer. Move on. That's how I did it. Since then, I have gone through step 3 in slightly different ways, which is, you know, like that's what I needed then. It was kind of like going to the emergency room and seeing a triage nurse and just getting the main thing out of the way. I was suicidal, so we had to take care of that really quick. When this third step prayer comes up, it's on page 63 right in the middle. And it says, you know, the wording of it, I have a hard time with these and thys and thous and, you now, I'm not a big church person. It's just not my deal. um but when i do this prayer i i change the these and the thighs to you just because it makes more sense to me so it says god i offer myself to you okay to build with me and to do with me as you will all right here's the deal i've gone through step one i've recognized how totally and completely powerless i am i've gotten through step two i've taken the idea that there may be a higher power that's bigger than me, that's going to restore me to some form of sanity. I have no idea what that looks like, but I'm like, you know what? I can accept it for now. That's cool. Next. I'm on step three. Okay. My life is a mess. We know this, you Know, totally unmanageable, total train wreck going on all over the place. I'm an emotional basket case all the time. I'm a wreck. I want to kill myself, you Now, so, all right, obviously I'm not real good at managing my own life. So I'm saying to God, God, here it is. I'm really sorry. I broke it. You take it back. To build with me and to do with me as thou will. Okay? So I am giving my life back to God so that he can fix it the way it's supposed to be. I am offering it to him because I have done a real good job screwing it up. Relieve me of the bondage of self so that I may be able to do thy will. When I say bondage of self, I mean that selfishness, the self-centeredness, the self delusion, self seeking, self pity, self loathing, self hatred, self love, you know, the soft, soft, self goes along. You know, there's a list a million miles long of what that looks like. Relieve me of that so that I can better do your will. I don't really know what God's will is but it's got to be better than mine. It's gotto be. Take away my difficulties. Now, take away my difficulties kind of sounds a little on the selfish side like, you know thanks me you know um that's not really what I'm saying to God I'm saying take away my difficulties so that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help okay take away my difficulties so that I can show others I can be a demonstration to others that it works now if I was standing here all right when I first got sober um I lost my job for drinking I was completely unemployable because I couldn't stay awake for the whole day. I had to take a nap at 3 o'clock because I'd cry. I was 25 years old, and I cried at 3 O'clock because I was too tired. I didn't know how to feed my child breakfast. I was on welfare. I was getting food stamps. And did I have a car? Yeah, I had a car that was like a red car, and it had a white door, and there was duct tape on the side to keep the rain from coming in, and that door didn't open. and there were holes in the floor where the water would come up when it did rain. So that's kind of what I looked like, you know, in early sobriety. Now if I was standing here with 13 some odd years of sobriete and I still was driving jalopy with the red and white, my daughter used to call it the candy cane with the crunch taken out of it, if I'm still driving that car, I was still milking the system on welfare, still collecting food stamps, and I was living off the government, would you want what I had? No. No, you wouldn't. I've been relieved of all that. I've owned my own home. I own my own car. I have a job that actually wants me to show up on a regular basis. I do a good job. I take care of my child. There's food in the house. I have medical insurance. I takecare of my stuff. I'm a responsible human being. I actually, you know, pay most of my bills on time except the water bill. But we're resolving that. That was just an oversight. But it wasn't like I intentionally sent the wrong check to the wrong people like I used to. You know, I used? do that. And I didn't call up and make up a story about my grandmother, blah, blah. Or somebody died or this, that, or the other. I didn' t do that I just said I totally forgot to write the check. I'm really sorry. I'll send you a check today. I didn't do it yet, but I will when I get home. But if I was still living on welfare and doing all those things the way I was when I first got sober, would you want what I had? No. Take away my difficulties so that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help with your power, your love, and your way of life. May I do your will always. That's some pretty powerful stuff. Okay, so let's go over this. I broke it. Oops. Here it is. Can you show me what to do with it? There you go. That's the third step prayer, you know. One thing that I find very, very interesting about this prayer is there's no amen. No amen at the end of it. You'll find the amen after step seven. It's after the seventh step prayer. So the way I kind of look at this is when I do the third step prayer, and right at the end of the third steps, at the bottom of the page, it says next we launch down in a course of vigorous action, which is our personal house cleaning. That's our inventory. So as soon as I start this prayer, I do this prayer and then I'm launching out into doing a written inventory, a fifth step, step six, and step seven. And at the End of Step Seven, there's a seven-step prayer, right? And at The End of It, it says Amen. When I'm going into this, like kind of not really understanding God, I am asking God, whatever it is that I don't necessarily understand, to just watch over me over this entire process. And for me, that prayer is kind of a continuous bridge that kind of doesn't end until I'm done with that seven-step prayer. I'm protected, you know. I kind of like that. It's like a little bubble. You know, I can do this inventory that I would never do on my own accord. I would not do it. I would ever actually sit down and write down all the horrible things that I've done. I'm not putting that in black and white. What if somebody finds out? I'm doing that under God's power. So, that's a little interesting note. How long do I go to? Oh, okay, cool. Great. So the step three principle is faith. Now, the faith is that, you know, God is going to take care of me. I have an idea that of a higher power and I'm really hoping that he's going to like come and help me out. And the faith, you Know, comes out of a belief of that, You know, a belief in that. What I kind of did, because I didn't really have any faith, but I was capable of a belief. A belief is just a thought. It's just a though. I'm making up my mind to believe something. It's kind of like if I... All right, I can sit in my house and have no food in my refrigerator and I believe there's a grocery store a half mile from my house. I believe it's there. I believe they have food for sale, right? Now, I can sit in my house, kick back and do nothing, and just believe that the food is a half mile away in a grocery store. That is not going to put food in my refrigerator, right ? I actually have to take some action. I have to get up, go to the store, purchase the food, and bring it back. Now, once I've done that, then I have some faith that that grocery store has food. You know? You know what I'm saying? So this whole step three thing, made a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understood him, is not I sit back and just let God run the whole thing and I don't do anything. That's not what this is. This requires a little action. And this is that last step right before the fourth step. This is where we make the decision that we're going to go on with the rest of the steps. And that's the action part, okay? If it's just a thought when it's followed by no action, it leads to nothing. That's just the thought, right? We have to follow it up with action. There's a reason these steps are laid out the way they are. When I actually... I'm horrible at this. I'm really bad at asking for help. I can sit there and think about asking for help. I do it. I did it a couple of weeks ago, didn't I? It was on a Sunday or a Saturday. I decided to sit on the pity pot. I did not send out invitations for this pity party. I did NOT buy appetizers either. I just decided that I was not going to answer the phone and I was going to stay at home because somebody had not behaved the way I wanted them to. How dare they! So I sat in my house and I did nothing for the entire day. I watched movies, a lot of movies. movie, movie, movie. I got caught up on all my HBO shows. I ate a little. I slept a little By the end of the day I was absolutely miserable. So I went to sleep miserable. I woke up the next morning and I called a few people and I'm like dude I just got off a 24 hour bender of staying you know being totally isolated. You know I have to tell on myself because that's just kind of how I do it. I can do this in a heartbeat. You know, I can jump into that self-centeredness, self-pity, all that kind of stuff in a heartbeat. I know what the tools are. I'm very familiar with them. I have my books everywhere. I have sponsees. I sponsor. I had tons of women in my network. I mean, boatloads of them. And there are days when I just refuse to ask for help. I'll think about it. I'll be like, hmm, I should really ask for health. And then I go, nah. It's because I'm wallowing. It was not a good day. I mean, somebody actually asked me, did you have fun? I was like, no, actually it was horrible. Why do I do that? I have no idea. But actually asking for help and, you know, seeking help, that's what I'm doing with this step. You know, it's me asking God for help. You know? Asking, but I have to follow it up with action. I can't just sit there and sit back and wait for something to happen. It's one of those things where this is something that I have to practice on a regular basis. I do the prayer on a regularly basis. I do it a lot when I'm driving, and it keeps me out of other people's way. It's cool because there are some promises associated with this step. And I really like these promises. I think they're pretty cool. It says on the top of page 63, When we sincerely took such a position, all sorts of remarkable things followed. We had a new employer. Being all-powerful, he provided what we needed if we kept close to him and performed his work well. If. So it's a conditional promise. established on such a footing we became less and less interested in ourselves our little plans and designs whenever i'm doing a little plan and design i do this i go and i do leave the little emails and i'll like let somebody know what my little plan of design is and the subject line says i spelled it out it's that no that's just to let somebody know that i'm i'm you know trying to figure something out i'm conniving again you know This is what I'm going to do. As we felt new power flow in, oh sorry, I missed a sentence, more and more we became interested in seeing what we could contribute to life. All my life, all my drinking, I was one of those people that I walked into the room and I just sucked all the oxygen out of the room. That was me. We called them succubuses. They're those spiritual suckers. You ever meet them? Spiritual suckers? they just walk in and like all the air disappears it's like what the heck I identify with those people very very closely because that's me as we felt new powers flow in as we enjoyed peace of mind as we discovered we could face life successfully as we became conscious of his presence we began to lose our fear of today tomorrow or the hereafter holy mackerel that's awesome. We were reborn. You know, I always thought that when I was drinking, I really thought that I just needed like a do-over. I needed a giant do- over for my life because it was so bad. It was such a mess. It was so bad. All I wanted was a do over and here it is. I get a do over. It's awfully nice. I can even do the do-over when I've had a day like that Sunday. I, you know, can sit in my pity pot. That doesn't destroy the rest of my year. It just was a bad day. Do-over next day. You know? And then I can actually look at what I did and, you now, no, I didn't reach out to anybody. I could see exactly what I said. I know exactly where I went wrong. You know, I wasn't asking for help. I didn't pray. I didn' t meditate. I didn''t reach out to anybody. I didn ''t go to a meeting. I didn.''t use any of the tools that had been laid at my feet. So what the heck did I expect? Shocker! You know? This whole thing, you know, our troubles we think are basically of our own making. There you go. That one Sunday I did it. I made them. It wasn''t fun. But evidently I had to do it, maybe so I could share with you. I love right in the book, it has the prayer. I love the way this is written. It has the Prayer and then right after it, it says we found it very desirable to take the spiritual step with an understanding person. We've already done it, right? They wrote the Prayer and then they say, oh, you know, P.S., you should probably do this with an outstanding person such as our wife, best friend, or spiritual advisor. I do this with my sponsors. We do this on our knees in my living room, and I usually hold their hands. That's kind of how it goes. We do it a lot. We don't just do it when we're starting inventory. Some people have really long inventories, and we do it every time we meet. Or if it's been a while and they've kind of gone off into left field and I don't know where they've been, we kind of bring it back to this and we start it with the prayer just to invite God in, right? I'm not there when I'm working through a third step with somebody, when I am taking somebody through the third step. I am not there in the fourth and the fifth. I am NOT there to tell them how they need to run their lives. So just to make that super clear, we ask God to come in and guide us through the entire process with that third step prayer. It works very well. okay it says here this was only a beginning though if honestly and humbly made an effect sometimes a very great one was felt at once and then right at the bottom of the page next sentence it says next we launch out onto a course of vigorous action the first step of which is a personal house cleaning which many of us had never attempted though our decision was a vital and crucial step what decision are they talking about. Anybody have an idea? Maybe the third step decision? Though our decision was a vital and crucial step, I busted out a dictionary because I wasn't really sure exactly what they were talking about. Vital means life-giving. Life-giving, okay? When we're dying of alcoholism, vital is what we're looking for. And crucial means absolutely necessary. Okay, so our decision is vital and absolutely necessary, right? It could have little permanent effect unless at once followed by a strenuous effort to face and to be rid of the things in ourselves which had been blocking us. Okay, take that sentence and just flip it around. All right, it could have little permanent affect unless at ones followed by strenuously ever to face him be rid of our are the things and ourselves which have been blocking us how about maybe it could have a permanent effect if we did at once sit down and make an effort, a strenuous effort to face and be rid of these things? Is it possible that we could take a third step and if we're really willing and we actually go directly into our inventory, that we could actually be permanently sober i don't know i didn't try it you know kind of an interesting thought you know people just say you know keep coming one day at a time you know um there there was came a certain point for me where that was not okay because i was like i'll drink tomorrow You know, I was psychotic. You know? I really, at this point in my life, I know that if I continue to work these steps as they're outlined in the book and I continue To Seek God on a regular basis and I have women in my network, a sponsor, and I'm actually doing service. You know I've got all three sides of the triangle going. We've got the fellowship, the unity of service, all that. And we've got it all going on. There's a pretty darn good chance. Actually, it says in here, it almost never fails. So there's a Pretty Good Chance that I could actually be sober when I die, whether that's in 10 years or 50 years. I'd like that. I don't know about you. I'd want to be sober. I'd love that. I'd to be so when I died. I don't want to wreak the havoc that I did. I'm not one of those, like I'm kind of one of those, I know that I am an absolutely hopeless alcoholic. I destroy people. It's not a game. It is a train wreck. I mean, I am that tornado that rips through people's lives. I cause such unbelievable, horrible damage. I mean just ask my family what kind of damage I caused them. Ask them. My daughter will tell you. you know it's um it's shocking what I do to people I don't ever want to go back to that I really don't and I know that I will go back to that if I pick up a drink so this third step is like you know this is key for me it's key you know I have to tell you in the beginning the way I did this because I wasn't really sure what I believed in like I'm kind of a scientific type person I had an associates degree in science when I was newly sober and I like things that are very logical and can be proven I'm all about the proof and a lot of the stuff in the 12 steps is stuff that I kind of had to accept on blind faith it's kind of like I really hope it's going to work that was kind of my stance But when it came to the third step, what I would do with things, you know, and people would say, well, why don't you try giving it over to God and see what happens? And I would try this. Like if I had a � I lived with my stepmom and my dad when I first got sober. And my stepmum is a lovely woman, and she has a lot of life experience, and she really liked to share it with me, and she was trying to teach me how to take care of my child. I took it as her controlling me and telling me what to do, which I didn't like. And so she would say, you know, you need to do this. And the hair on the back of my neck would stand up because I don't like being told what to do. And I just kind of bit my tongue in the inside of my cheek for like a year. No joke. It was always bloody. And this is not a way to be sober. Believe me. I was not drinking, but I had a bloody mouth. So I'm walking around biting my cheek and biting my tongue. all the time. And somebody said, you know, how about instead of trying to figure it out and make it work, because I would get, I'd go toe-to-toe with her and we'd, you know, have fights and stuff. And they'd say, why don't you try giving it to God? And I would do like this little prayer. I didn't, I wasn't aware of this prayer at the time, but I would do these little prayers and I would just say, God, please show me how to handle the situation with my stepmom and guide me in whatever I need to do, because I don't know. And then it was funny because something else would happen and the situation would present itself where I was able to make it better and it was just kind of smooth. Like these smooth transitions would start happening, you know, these resolutions would start occurring and I didn't really understand how that happened. So I try to approach situations how I used to, trying to figure it out and how I'm going to fix it and see what would happen and usually when I did that, it blew up. And every time I would take it to God and actually ask God for help, it didn't blow up. It would just kind of resolve itself. And that was one of those things, like in early sobriety that I kind of took, I was like, hmm, maybe there is something to this God thing. Maybe he is more powerful than me. Maybe he's actually in my life, like active in my own life. He's in my whole life. Today, the way this looks, I don't know if anybody here is a parent. I have an 18-year-old child, and she's grown up in this program. And she's not me. I really thought she was going to turn out just like me. I really did. I was very scared that she was gonna be an alcoholic and all this other stuff. So when it comes to controlling and all the stuff, the self-sufficiency and controlling and all these other stuff, I'm all about that when it come to my kids. And I would try to control all these things with my child, how she's going to behave and how she're going to act and what she's doing in school. And it really was leading to a lot of uncomfortability inside me and uncomfortableness in our home. It wasn't working out real well. And a few years back I had to start asking God to give me guidance and direction in how I raise my child because I don't know all the answers. Bottom line is, this is my first kid. I've never done this before. I don't have a book. I didn't have a great role model. So, you know, I'm just kind of going as I go. And lo and behold, after all the crappy things that have happened, because, I mean, it has not been an easy 18 years, the kid's going to college. She's got a big scholarship. Like, they want to give her money, like lots of money. It's the most bizarre thing in the world. When I got sober, I didn't have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of. I had nothing, nothing. I was actually able to pay for her first semester in college. I don't even know how it happened. I'm like, okay. You know, it's like I asked God to come into my life and guide and direct me in every way that I need to, and I'm not really worried about, I don'T have the anxiety about how everything is going to get taken care of. You know what I mean? I'm not going to not send her to college because I don't know how year two is going to be paid for. Because it'll happen. I don'T know how, but it will. You know what I mean? Like, it's kind of nice because I DON'T have that intense anxiety anymore about how things are going to turn out. You know? It's a very, very different way of living today. You know, every day when I ask God to come in and guide and direct me and everywhere, you know, everything that I do, it's like, he does. Who? Who knew? You know? I'm just going to open it up, and if anybody has any questions, comments, criticisms, you now, anything else, I'd love to hear it. So thank you very much for letting me share. Thank you. We have about five minutes, so... No, actually it didn't include Haagen-Dazs. You know, it's funny, I just sit on the couch and do nothing. It's the worst. It's not even fun. You know these pity parties. It's terrible. One of my things, I was one of those people who lived my life pretty much um the way my outlook on life was everything is you know life is life is a battle it's a struggle and you just battle your way through it and fight till the end and then you die like that was my that was My View On Life I mean really and it was a very very negative not so healthy way of looking at life today my perspective on life is little different but I attribute that to continually seeking you know I'm alcoholic so I'm always looking for more you know but looking for a more God has never really caused any problems you know like looking for more alcohol did you know what I'm saying I've never had a God blackout you know I've ever had a I've been never puked on somebody's feet as a result of too much God it just never happens It's kind of cool. The question is, how do I get guidance? Yeah, it takes a lot of different forms. I mean, when I invite God into my life, it's not a matter of me just doing a prayer and then looking for the result. Like, where is it? Where is it ? That's just me being a control freak again. When I actually ask God to come into my wife, like I ask God, show me what I'm supposed to do at work. Show me what I'm supposed to do in school. Show me how to be a parent. Show me where I'm going to go. Show me when I ask, I have to have my ears open and pay attention because that guidance from God comes from a lot of different places. Sometimes it comes through other people. A lot of times it comes from other people like my sponsor and her experience with raising kids or other people that I know that have had similar issues in their jobs you know um you know what i'm saying like i actually become willing to listen to other people's point of view and i'll take other people's points of views into consideration that's a huge that's the action part of it like actually listening to somebody else you knowwhat a concept um there's other times when i will i do a lot of writing like i just write and i you know just kind of free write you know it's a technique that the oscar group actually use um it's a free writing kind of thing and you just write write write i've done it with my eyes closed that's the best way to do it it's so cool you get a legal pad and you just start writing you take a consider you know something that you have that is disturbing you and you take it to god and you ask the question and you asked for guidance and then you just get quiet and then voc� come�a a escrever e escreve e escreva e escrevo e escrevam e escrevem e escrevi e escrevia e escrevio e depois vira a p�gina quando voc� chega ao fundo continue escrevendo keep writing, keep writing until there's nothing left. And go back through the pages and you actually look at it. And it's funny because every time I've ever done this, there's a bunch of stuff in there that was not mine. It's just not mine, I didn't write it. It is not a conscious thought that I had. So I'm taking that as being guidance from God. And they are usually really, really simple sentences and they're very clear and they are almost in different handwriting. They are super clear it's bizarre um but it's it's that's another meditation practice i do prayer i do meditation i do writing and i also have a large group of women that i'm very very accountable to when i am when there's something going on there are people that will call me on my stuff they and i can call them up and say i'm this is what's going on with me and i need to tell you about it. And I'll ask them for direction, what do you think? What do you think? Have you ever experienced this? And they'll give me their feedback. But I have to be willing to listen. There was one thing I did not do when I was drinking. I didn't listen to anybody. I was like, yeah, whatever, you know. And then I went on my way and I just did things on my own. So I try not to do that anymore. So putting down the battle tools and stop fighting, that was one of the biggest things that I had to do was stop fighting everything. I think we're at the hour, so we have a nice way of closing. Thanks for listening.