The Fourth Column and Self-centeredness – Workshop – the Lost Tapes – Part 5 of 8 – Mark H.

myself, my resentments, or my self-pity. Now the next paragraph is going to tell me what's wrong with me. We're not talking about me and alcohol anymore. Selfishness, self-centeredness, that we think is the root of Mark's troubles. I like visualizations and I begin to see how deep my disease goes. You know those huge trees in California that grow to 500 or 1,000 feet? imagine how deep the root system goes hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of feet and at the very root of my existence is a core belief system, I am brutally selfish and self-centered which is why I try and run the show all the time and why I'm in conflict with the world and why I have no power at that point in time so I got to get rid of that for power to flow into me so that I can be empowered and start to do things with my life. It goes on to say, driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, I step on the toes of my fellows and they retaliate. Once again, a visualization. Here's what happens. In the morning, a stretched limo pulls up in front of my house. I go out and get in the limo. Driver turns around and says, Hi Mark, my name is Fear and I'm going to drive your ass all day today. and he does or the next day i get in and the driver turns his head around says hi mark i'm self-delusion and i'm going to drive you everywhere today and the next thing is self-pity and the next next day he's self-seeking and on my own that's what is drives me and it forces me into taking action goes on to say that these people retaliate because i step on their toes right sometimes these people hurt me seemingly without provocation but i will invariably find it sometime in the past i've made decisions based on self which later placed me in a position to be hurt i believe in testing this book and i said i tested this many times anytime i write a resentment inventory about someone i'm angry at and i got hurt i can get to the fourth column and see where I made a selfish, self-seeking decision that placed me in a position to be hurt. I mean, here's what always happens with the alcoholic, right? When we get into this he-she stuff, he left me and she left me. We come whining to meetings, first of all. And the truth is, she left me, I feel terrible, right. And what's always interesting is by the time we get to the fourth column, it becomes very apparent, we drove her away with the Mack truck. You see what I'm saying? At some point in time, every single time I've ever been hurt, I get a chance to see where I made decisions based on self which placed me in a position to be hurt. But I don't want to look at that. I want to blame you. Next paragraph. You might make a note in your book. This is the paragraph that describes what I call my fourth column of the Resentment Inventory. The next sentence says, so Mark's troubles we think are basically of Mark's own making. Now that sentence is also a great statement of hope because my experience of going through this work and developing a relationship with God and gaining power in my life and being able to take that power out in every area of my life is I've stopped making trouble for myself. I actually can make healthy good decisions today. I can be of service to God and others. All of us sitting in this room know examples of people who came in this program who wound up getting GEDs, going to college, went on to be teachers and professors. The list goes on and on with people who come in to Alcoholics Anonymous and accomplish miraculous things. Why? Because of that relationship with God and because we get empowered by God. This program gives me power and gives me tools to take out into the world. You do not find me sitting around rooms of AA saying, I'm powerless over alcohol and my life's unmanageable because that isn't my experience today. Today I have power and my wife is unmanagable if I remember who the source is. So let's go on. Mark's troubles arise out of Mark and Mark's an extreme example of self-oil run riot though Mark doesn't think so. Remember I suffer from self-delusion? Look at the next sentence. Above everything, I must be rid of this selfishness. Don said to me, because he knows I have a hard time understanding this book, Mark, what do the words above everything mean to you? And I said, they mean above everything, Don. And it goes on to say, Mark must, meaning I must get rid of the selfishness or it kills Mark. It kills me. You know why it kills me? Because if this selfishness, self-centeredness does not leave me, I'm blocked from the sunlight of the Spirit, and if I'm locked from the spotlight of the spirit, the obsession to drink will come back, and I'll pick up a drink, and I'm going to die. And I'll die an alcoholic death. That's why. Our name is not in the next sentence. Next sentence says, God makes that possible. goes on to say and there often seems no way for mark to entirely get rid of self without god's aid as i read this i begin to get another visualization i'm chained to mark and it's going to kill me and there's nothing i can do about it goes on to say mark has moral and philosophical convictions galore but mark can't live up to him even though mark would like to neither could mark reduce his self-centeredness much by wishing or trying his own power mark had to have god's help now in that handout i gave you in there i made a photocopy of what i call the third step decision we've gone through the book and we've looked at some information and we've asked ourselves the question, Mark, are you convinced that your life run and your will won't work? This paragraph is the third step decision. Some of you have been around AA. Have you ever wondered why the promises come before the third-step prayer? There's a whole bunch of promises after we make this decision and then we do the prayer. It's because the promises are designed to come after the decision. The prayer is only an affirmation of the decision. So here's my third step decision. We've been told above everything, I've got to get rid of this selfishness or I'm going to die and that I need God's help. It says this is the how, meaning how I'm gonna get his help and this is why, meaning why I need his help. First of all, Mark had to quit playing God. That's how I am going to get his health and the reason why I'm going to quit playing God is summed up in the next sentence it didn't work I got the power to be Mark God's got the power to beat me to be God so the next thing is Mark decided that hereafter in this drama of life God is going to be Mark's director now on this handout it says on the top of it third step decision big book page 62 Here's the definition of director. It is a person who directs or controls, supervises or manages. So the God of my understanding, my personal concept in the second step, that God is now going to supervise and manage and control my life. The books already told me I'm supposed to be an actor. Definition of an actor is a player on the stage, one who acts, a doer. So that's the first part of the decision. The second is, God's going to be the principal, I'm going to be his agent. Definition of principal is, first in rank, authority, or importance, it is a person who employs another to act as his agent. So I'm gonna allow God, of my understanding, to be my principal. Now look at the definition of agent. says, a person empowered to act for another. You and I get empowered by the creator of the universe. We are God's agents. We can do anything. We can have healthy relationships, careers we love, good physical health. We can be at peace. We can accomplish anything. We are an agent of God, the creator of the universe. I love it. There's a convention I went to last year. I'm not going this year. You know why? They canceled one of the workshops. You know which one they canceled? The one on power. This whole program is about power. The power of God to operate in my life. Next definition. The book goes on to say, God's going to be the father, we're his children. Definition of father, to originate, found, create, invent, make, to take their responsibility for. This God that I developed a concept is going to take the responsibility of me. The definition of children, it's the plural child, child, a son or descendant, a daughter or a descendant. God has no grandchildren. We are all descendants of the spirit of the universe. We were created, we are descendants of the creator. Now look at my third step decision now. God's going to be director, I'm the actor. God is the principal, I am the agent. God is the father on the child. As Don and I went through this, I begin to feel the presence of God in such a powerful way. And based on how I'd been living life, I kind of thought this was a neat deal to go for. Now, it goes on to say most good ideas are simple and this concept was the keystone of the new and triumphant arch through which I passed to freedom. Now, first step's my foundation, second step's the cornerstone, third step is the key stone. Definition of keystone is the central wedge-shaped stone of an arch that will lock all the parts together. My third step locks all the rest of the steps together. Now, top of page 63, a whole bunch of promises, none of which we seldom talk about in AA. These promises show up in her life after doing the work making this decision. Here's what they are. the manifestation of these promises in our life are also why people quit doing the work and don't continue through because they're powerful let's look at them when i sincerely took such a position and i defined position for you the usual or proper place a person's mental attitude toward her opinion on a subject so when i sincerly took a supposition all sorts of remarkable things followed i have a new employer now look at the next sentence being all powerful god will provide what i need if i keep close to him which is to be his child and perform his work well which is to be as actor and agent established on this footing now look what happens i become less and less interested in myself my little plans and designs more and more i become interested and seeing what I can contribute to life, as I felt new power flow into me, new power gaining access flowing into me. As I enjoyed peace of mind, as I discovered I could face life successfully, as I become conscious of God's presence, I begin to lose my fear of today, tomorrow, the hereafter. I'm reborn. I'll have you think about something, then I'm going to talk a minute about this prayer. in the last minute or two stop and think i doubt if any of you in here have experienced any fear whatsoever the reason is is because you're living in the presence of god and in the presence of God fear doesn't exist maybe this program gives me tools to live in the presence of G-d almost all the time and to gain access to that power all the time and to take it out into the world. Now it says we're at step three. Many of us said to our makers, we understand him. And here's the prayer. God, I offer myself to thee to build with me and do with me as thou wilt. Now this prayer has got three ideas to it. I was asked, what does that mean? I said, I think it means he gets the whole shooting match. He can do anything he wants with me and he has the book is going to give us a little warning before we do this prayer it says mark think carefully make sure you're ready you know why because when you make this prayer and do this pray and you mean it your life will never be the same I didn't plan on showing up in Kerrville Texas when I got sober and when I did this prayer I didn t plan on leaving everybody who had ever known in my support system. I didn't plan on working in the field that I'm working in. I didn'T plan on having all the people in my life that are in my life right now. I DIDN'T plan being as involved carrying this message. This is what this prayer means. God, I offer myself to thee to build with me and do with me as thou wilt. Second idea in the prayer, relieve me of the bondage of self that I may better do thy will. We read on page 62, Mark's chained to Mark and the sad news is he can't do anything about it and he's going to die if he doesn't get rid of it. So I'm asking God, God remove me from the bondage of self so that I can better do Thy will. Sober, long ways away from a drink, if I'm in the self, I can't be in the bondages of self because I can not do God's will. So I have to ask God to remove me from the bondage of self here's the third idea in the prayer take away my difficulties we could all in this room right now make a long list of difficulties i'll submit something to you you submit yourself to this process and i will absolutely guarantee within a period of time might be a month might bea year he will remove every one of them so here's the idea god take away my difficulties now i'm going to be told the reason why he'll do that so that victory over those difficulties may bear witness to those i would help of your power your love your way of life may i do thy will always there's an obligation if he takes away all of our difficulties isn't there that i go out and bear witness To those I would help of what happens when I turn my will and life over to God as I understand God. I've seen this happen in AA, and it happened to me. I walked away from this fellowship for six months. You know all those difficulties you took away that I was bearing witness to others? They came back ten times over. I clicked in one day, really, really with this prayer saying to me and what my part in this is. Take away my difficulties so that victory over those difficulties may bear witness to those I would help of your power, your love, your way of life. May I do thy will always. And now we're told something. Mark, think well before taking this step, making sure you're ready. I'm going to read the next paragraph and then we're going to take a break and then those who want to When we come back in, I'd like to hook up hands and I'd like to say this prayer together. It goes on to say, think well before taking the step mark and making sure you're ready that you could last to abandon yourself utterly to God. Now I get the instructions for doing the prayer. We found it desirable to take this spiritual step with an understanding person such as our wife, best friend, or spiritual advisor, but it's better to meet God alone than with someone who might misunderstand. The wording was, of course, quite optional so long as we expressed the idea. And you and I went over the idea, there's three components to it. God, I give myself to you, you get me all, buddy. Do anything you want with me, build with me. That's the first idea. The second idea is God, remove from me the bondage of self. The third idea is, God, take away my difficulties and if that happens, I'll go bear witness to everyone else of your power, your love, and your way of life. If you're not ready to do those things, don't do this prayer. Don was real clear with me. If you are not ready to accept these three ideas, do not do this prayer. Once again, step one faced with a self-imposed crisis lack of power and I'm going to die or even worse I may live for a long period of time feeling the way I'm feeling, living the way I'm living. I was willing to go for this deal. Now I didn't know what it meant. I'm a little further down the road today. So I tell people, before you do this prayer take a look at what the idea is. Then it says I need to voice it without reservation, meaning I needto say it out loud. It goes on to say that this is only a beginning though if honestly and humbly made in effect sometimes a very great one was felt at once so i want to stop there we're going to take a break and then we'll come back in my name is mark and i'm an alcoholic i want you to know something and that is that there is no amen behind the third step prayer The amen is behind the seven-step prayer. It was explained to me that they are a process. The other thing is it became clear to me that the third step was not turning my will and life over, that it was only a decision. And I said to my sponsor, how do I turn my will in life over? And he gave me that wonderful sponsor response, can you count? Yes, I can count. Can you count from four to nine? Yes. count from 4 to 9 for me 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 and 9 he said the way you turn your will and life over to God is you do steps 4,5,6,7,8 and 9 the book has told us where we're going to find the power deep down within and it's told us how search fearlessly and it is in 4 through 9 and particularly in our inventory that we begin to search fearlessness so let's go back to the book and look at the instructions page 63 next i launched out on a course of vigorous action the first step of which is a personal house cleaning which i had never attempted though my decision the one we just made third step decision was a vital and crucial step that decision could have little permanent effect unless at once followed by a strenuous effort to face and to be rid of the things in myself which had been blocking me. Our liquor was but a symptom, so we had to get down to causes and conditions. That's a powerful paragraph. It tells me my third step decision, although it's vital and crucial, will not give me permanent effect unless at once followed by an effort to face and be rid of, search fearlessly, the things that have me blocked from this power. If I'm blocked from the power, I'm going to pick up a drink again and in every area of my life wind up getting into conflict because of the root of my problem I'm selfish and self-centered. So it says, therefore we start upon a personal inventory and this was step four. And I said this yesterday, but I want to repeat this. I asked for a show of hands of how many people had used different inventories. You can use whatever you want, but I told you there's one simple question when someone wants to give you an inventory other than the one in this book, and here's the question to ask them. If I do your inventory, are there seven promises that I will be guaranteed that will happen to me and have happened to millions of other people? Of course, their answer to that is going to have to be no. Well, my experience and the experience of millions of people who are sober and Alcoholics Anonymous today is if we do the three inventories as outlined in this book, those seven promises can show up in my life. That's why I don't use other inventory forms. If there were a set of promises behind the Hazelden set of inventory, I'd probably do them. I'm a real alcoholic. I'll go for the whole deal. but I've never seen a set of promises behind any inventory forms other than the ones in the big book. So, therefore, I start upon a personal inventory. This is step four. Next sentence is the one that the group of men and women who have sponsored me and been my mentors and spiritual guides, this is the One that tells them to do a regular inventory, step four, My experience is I cannot do a regular inventory until I once again consider steps 1, 2, and 3 because when I consider steps one, two, and three, something happens to me that when it comes time to write inventory, I have the capacity to be honest. Next sentence says a business which takes no regular inventory usually goes broke. Taking a commercial inventory is a fact-finding and a fact facing process. It is an effort to discover the truth about the stock and trade. One object is to disclose damaged or unsaleable goods to get rid of them promptly and without regret. If the owner of the business is to be successful, he cannot fool himself about values. While we did exactly the same thing with our lives, we took stock honestly. First, we searched out the flaws in their makeup which caused our failure. being convinced that self manifested in various ways was what had defeated us we considered its common manifestations now we've read earlier the root of our problem is we're selfish and self-centered now the book in the process of inventories is going to show us three ways in which our selfishness and self-centerness shows up and the first way is resentment it says resentment is the number one offender. Resentment destroys more alcoholics than anything else. Now that's a very powerful sentence. I thought I was going to die because I drank too much vodka. The book says I'm going to die because I resent people. You know why? Because when I resent, I'm not going to I resent people. I'm blocked from the sunlight of the spirit and if I'm blocked from the sunlight, I'll drink alcohol again. It goes on to say from resentment stems all form of spiritual disease for I've been not only mentally and physically ill I've also been spiritually sick. We've looked at the fact that we have a craving in the body, obsession of the mind now the book reconfirms that I've being spiritually sick and I'll look at the next sentence when the spirituality is overcome we straighten out mentally and physiologically if the spirituality is not overcome I will not straighten out mentally and physically and I will be drunk again and I have no power on my own to treat the spirituality now I'm going to get my instructions for how to write a four column resentment inventory book says in dealing with resentments I set them on paper and now we're going to find we're gonna do the columns and we're gonna do the columns down in one at a time so now I get the instructions for the first column and here's what it says I listed people institutions and principles with whom we were angry so I I do this I take a piece of paper and I write the word people institutions and principles there are three words that i use a lot when it comes time to write an inventory and i'll share them with you pray pray pray so i say a prayer god show me all the people i start with one column at a time this is column one god show us show me the people that i'm resentful at and so i start today and i work back through my life and he shows me some, all right? So let's write a few. Do you want to, Shirley, do you want from your last inventory, which you recently did, just give me a few names. Yourself, you were on there. Him, Dallas. Dallas. Who else? Okay. So what I do, I say a prayer and I write all the people. I've just finished. I'm almost done with my fear inventory because I've got to do, I'm going to do three fifth steps this time. The book says I do a fifth step with person or persons. I don't know about some of you who have been sober for a while, but the longer I'm sober, I have a more difficult time seeing truth. So I like to do a sixth step with more than one person because I see a lot more truth. So when I go to California, I'm gonna do a first step there. I'mma do a third step with a man in Kerrville and I'm going to do a fifth step in Louisiana with a woman that's 19 years sober. Because when I do it with more than one person, I see a lot of truth. When I made my list, I had 21 people that I was angry at, that I had a resentment at. I also tell people something else. When you do inventory, do not judge your work. If you say a prayer and three names come or 130, write them down. Don't judge your worth. We're not writing a thesis here. We're no trying to get a Ph.D. in something. I say a prayer, and I write a list of all the people. Now I come to the second instruction, which is make a list of allthe institutions you're angry at. Some of the ones, for example, on my internal revenue service, they're just a given that I write at. I invited them into my life, and they've gotten very intimate with me. Most intimate relationship I have, as a matter of fact. uh i wrote treatment centers what are some other institutions some of you can think of jails churches marriage is an institution there may be one or two in here have some resentment against that divorce is an constitution churches are institutions you can go on and on and on i make a list of all the institutions some of you probably could put tdc that could be on there so i make the list of only institutions that i was ever resentful at now i come to the third area principles does everyone understand what a principle is a principal is primarily a value system that you live your life by now the first time i did wrote principles i didn't have very many principles because i didn't have very many principles i'll give you an example of some principles honesty is a principle i was resentful at this principle here's why many times if i'm honest it's not going to work out the way i think it's supposed to work out normally if i write one value like honesty i also have to write its opposite If I'm resentful at the concept of honesty, I'm also resentful when I'm dishonest. Why? Because I know the difference between right and wrong. When I'm dishonest, my gut turns, and I don't like that. What are some other principles you could put up here? How about success and failure? What are som other principles? How about this? Big boys don't cry. How about these? How about for women? Women's place is in the home. Those are all principles that we've accumulated over the years and that we live with in our life. So I ask God to show me all the principles that I'm resentful at, okay? And I make a list of those. Now, when I'm done with that, I can't stress this enough. We're going to do a four-column inventory, and you always write down, we will finish all of column one, then we will move to column two, we will finish all of column two, then we will move to column three, finish all of column three. Then the book has a page and a half of instructions before we write the fourth column. Let me explain why we do it that way. Number one, the book tells us to. It puts a period behind each column. Number two, what I found out is if I try and write across the page, I'm resentful at Dallas and here's all the reasons why and here's how it affects me and here is where I'm at fault, my mind can't shift enough. So I've learned if I follow the instructions of the book and write my columns down, my inventory is much more thorough, much more fearless, and much more honest. So when I'm done with the first column, I now have a list of people, institutions, and principles. All right? what we're going to do is I take a sheet of paper and I make room for four columns because I'm going to write a four-column inventory. You're going get tired of making lists when you do inventory, so here's my four columns. Column one, column two, column three, column four. now that I've finished column one the big book says I asked myself why I was angry so here's what I do Shirley for example put Dallas so if we put Dallas up here now what she does is through prayer says God show me all the reasons that I'm angry at this person and now we come up with some what are some because he wouldn't forgive me wouldn't forgive me or some other he was gone all the time what else he didn't understand alcoholism like he's supposed to right it's his responsibility to understand my disease Wow okay father instead of a husband instead of a husband and there's probably a bunch more reasons so what I do let's say that I have a list and I've got 100 resentments against people and maybe I got 20 against institutions and maybe i got 14 principles I'm going to go through and write the second column on these 100 people, these 20 institutions, and these 14 principles before I move on to the third column. All right? So now let's assume I'm done with that. Let's look at the instructions for the third column, and in your handout, I gave you a sheet of paper which gives you definitions of the third volume, and I found it's much easier to write inventory when I have definitions. So here's the instructions in the third column. Here's what it says. In most cases, it was found that our self-esteem, our pocketbooks, our ambitions, our personal relationships, including sex, were hurt or threatened, so we were sore and we were burned up. Now, the book just gave us five areas in which these resentments affect me, and it uses a couple key words that I always write above the third column. It says hurt or threaten. Now, it's not quite done with the third column. It says on our grudge list we said opposite each name are injuries. Now, they repeat some things but they add some things. It says was my self-esteem, well, that's repeated. Was my security, oh, that is a new one. My ambitions, my personal sex relations which had been interfered with. Now I see a third word, interfered. So now on my third column, so we've got six but there's one more. If you look at this inventory on the third column where it says affects my toward the bottom of the page, you'll see the word pride. So now we have seven areas in which resentments affect me. So here's what I do. When I'm writing my third column, I write the word hurt, threatened, and interfered. And here's what I do with each resentment. I'm resentful at Dallas. When I resented Dallas because he wouldn't forgive me, did that hurt, threaten, or interfere with how I feel about me, my self-esteem? And I write The Word Self-Esteem. When i resented dallas for not forgiving me, did it hurt, threaten, or interfere with my pride? How others see me, I write the word pride. When I resented Dallas for not forgiving me, did it hurts, threaten or interfere with my ambitions, what I want? Of course it did. When I was mad at Dallas for not forgiving, did it hurting, threatened or interfere with my security, which is what I need? Yes. When I was mad at Dallas for not forgiven me, did it hurt, threaten, or interfere with my pocketbook? Yes. You see how this works across? When I was angry at Dallas for not forgiving me, did it hurt, threaten, or interfere with my personal relations, best relations with the same sex? Yeah, probably did. When I resented Dallas for not forgiving me, did it hurt, threaten, or interfere with my sexual relationships meeting my sexual relationship with him, yeah. So look at this. Off of one little resentment because Dallas wouldn't forgive her seven areas of her life are impacted. Now I want you to understand why we're blocked from God. Imagine multiplying this times 150 people. This is only one resentment. She has four more. On one of my individuals this time I had 14 resentments. Before I was done and I had almost 130 areas of my life that were affected by 14 resentments. You see how blocked we get from God? You know why? Every single time she sees Dallas, you know what goes through her head? I'm mad at Dallas because he wouldn't forgive me, and all this is affected. Do you think there's a possibility that might interfere with their personal relationship just a little? Yeah, I think so. So this is what I do with all my resentments. And now what I'll do, again, we're going to write down. Now, does this take time? You bet it takes time. Because with every resentment, her next one, for example, is her boss. And let's say she has her boss here and nine reasons she resents him. Here's what I have to do. I resent my boss because he doesn't appreciate me. Does that hurt, threaten, or interfere with self-esteem? Yes. Does this take time? Yes. Am I willing to be thorough and fearless and go to any length? Yes. All right, so that's how I write my third column. Now here's what's interesting. Here's what this program does. As I look at the third column, this looks like it's the truth, doesn't it? I'm resentful of Dallas because he won't forgive me and it affects all seven areas of my life. Now we're going to read the page and a half of instructions that before we write the fourth column, and here's what's going to happen. Here's the shift. We're going to find out that this is a lie as a result of writing the fourth column. Now, the sad news is if I never wrote the fourth volume, I spend my whole life, my whole life living the victim role, living the victim role. You know what? i'll bet there's actually people in this room that are waiting for someone who's dead buried in a grave to get up out of that grave and come and make amends so you can get free of your resentment and you know what it ain't gonna happen you remember the line the book troubles of our own making let me tell you why i told you that was a great statement at home because when we look at our fourth column i can look at some things shirley can look At some things and Dallas doesn't have to change a bit for her to get free of this resentment. That's the freedom of this program. Nobody in my life, no institution, no principle has to change in order for me to get rid of the resentment. So now let's look at the instructions for column four. It says, I went back through my life. Nothing counted but being thorough and honest. When I was finished, meaning with these first three columns, I considered it carefully. So I'm looking at these first three columns with all this, column one, who I'm mad at, column two, the cause, column three, what's affected. And as a result of looking at it, here's what it's going to say to me. The first thing apparent was that this world and its people were often quite wrong. And I'll use Dallas' name because putting a name in here makes this real. So the first thing apparently is that Dallas is often quite right. wrong. To conclude that others were wrong, Dallas was as far as I ever got. The usual outcome is that Dallas continued to wrong me and I stayed mad. Sometimes it's remorse and then I'm mad at myself, but the more I fought and tried to have my own way, the worse matters got. As in war, the victor only seemed to win. My moments of triumph were short-lived, meaning I suspect, I don't know this, I suspect Shirley spent a whole bunch of time trying to convince Dallas to forgive her. And he may have said to her, I forgive you. She seemed to win for a while, a week or two. Next paragraph's important. It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. Resentment takes us to futilely unhappeness. You know why it's futile? because we don't have the power to change how Dallas thinks, feels, or acts. That's why. And if my happiness is tied on his behavior, I'm in trouble. I'm in trouble So what happens? I've got to get free of this resentment whether Dallas changes or not. So a shift has to take place for me. Now the next sentence says, to the precise extent that I permit these, meaning these resentments. I want you to circle the word permit. Didn't we just read resentments kill more alcoholics than anything else? Right? We read that, didn't we? The book is now telling me I get a choice whether I permit myself to be experiencing resentment or not. If my experiences and resentments are going to block me from God and take me back to booze and if I'm given a choice to have them or not have them I think I'll do this little exercise to get rid of them. That word permit is important. I sit in the meetings of AA and I hear this, I don't know how to get ready for this. I have a lot of resentments. Buy a big book. It gives you some pretty good instructions in there. Because if you don't, you're going to be dead. All right? And it goes on to say, To the precise extent that I permit these, do I squander the hours that might have been worthwhile. but with the alcoholic whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience this business of resentment is infinitely grave we found it's fatal now it's going to tell us why resentments are fatal to us for when harboring such feelings meaning resentments i shut myself off from the sunlight of the spirit the insanity alcohol returns meaning the obsession and i drink again. And with us, to drink is to die. Now I'm shown why I'm going to die if I don't get rid of resentment. If we were to live, we had to be free of anger. The grouch and the brainstorm were not for us. They may be the dubious luxury of normal men, but for alcoholics, these things are poison. Now, I'm gonna turn back to the list. Remember, we got a three-column inventory we're looking at. I'm going to go back to the list, for the list holds the key to the future. Now, I have a second edition big book. And from the second edition to the third edition, in this next sentence, they change the word. Now, written in New York, they haven't responded yet, but I think they will. I hope they will, because this word is very important. My third edition says we were prepared to look at it, meaning this list, the key to my future from a different angle. You know what it says in the second edition? We were prepared to look for it. We're talking about the key to my feature, it's important. When I see the word at it, I see myself looking at this from a distance. When I'm going to look for it, I see myself in there stirring things up. There's a difference between those words. So anyhow, we're going to look for the key to the future. And it says, we begin to see the world in as people dominated us, meaning thinking the way we think. In that state, that thought process... All right. The wrongdoing of others, fancy or real? Fancy means I made it up. How many times has that happened? J.D. and I have kitted about this. There's a person out here that we work with, and J.D., for a period of time until he did this work, every time this person walked by him, J.B. knew, knew this person was saying, this guy doesn't deserve to be here. Fancy. There was absolutely no reality in that. I understand that thought process. How many times has that happened? We've been somewhere, someone looks at you kind of a certain way, and our keen alcoholic mind tells us all kinds of interesting things they have just said about us. It's called a fancied resentment. It doesn't exist except in our mind. It says, In that state the wrongdoing of others fancy real has the power to kill me. How can I escape? I saw these resentments must be mastered, but how? I can't wish them anymore in alcohol. This was my course. Now I have instructions for how to get free of resentments. First instruction. I realized that people who wronged me were perhaps, highlight the word perhaps, We're perhaps spiritually sick. So the book is asking Shirley to look at the idea that Dallas is perhaps spiritually sick. Though we don't like their symptoms, column two, and the way those disturbed me, column three, they, like me, were sick too. So we ask God to help us show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience we would cheerfully grant a sick friend. When a person offended, I said to myself, this is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done. We avoid retaliation or argument. We wouldn't treat sick people that way. If we do, we destroy our chance of being helpful. We cannot be helpful for all people, but at least God will show us how to take a kind and tolerant view of each and every one. Here's what I've learned, what this is trying to tell me. if zero means that i am spiritually bankrupt and 100 means that I'm evolving every human being that I ever met is somewhere between zero and a hundred the closer I am to zero the more spiritually sick I am spiritually sick people do spiritually sick things just like us not one time did Dallas ever wake up and say this morning I decided that I won't forgive Shirley and that's going to impact my relationship with her. Spiritually sick people do not have capacity to forgive others. You understand what I'm saying? Not one human being in your life that you've ever had a resentment at ever got up in the morning and said, I think today I'm going to make Mark's life miserable. And no employer ever said,I think today i'm going to make mark's life miserable people institutions are spiritually sick we get a choice in this program if i choose to interact with someone that's close on this spiritual journey to zero you're going to get some real spiritually sick behavior choose whether or not you want to be in it i mean i love this all the time alcoholics actually expect healthy behavior on a consistent basis from other alcoholics we're spiritually sick people i've never known an alcoholic who really had what i'll call a bad nature every alcoholic i've ever known does the same thing i do every mistake i've made and everyone i've harmed i did not do that because i'm a bad person i did that because I'm spiritually sick, and everyone who harmed me is spiritually sick. Example, a father who beat me severely, a man who I hated when I got to this place in the inventory. Don looked at me and said, Mark, your father never one time woke up in the morning and said I think what I'm going to do is beat this son. Your father loved you tremendously. He was spiritually sick Mark. Spiritually sick parents treat children like that. That doesn't mean he didn't love you. And if you don't get, see, you've got to understand something. When I wrote that inventory, I was 6, 7, 8, 9 years old when all those beatings took place. We're not talking a little hand here. We're talking a whip being hanged down from a rope in the skin off my back. Here I am, 39 years old, still resenting something happened when I'm 6 years old. now was i at fault when i was six of course not you know where i'm at fault being 39 carrying that resentment and it's going to kill me this gave me freedom i am beginning to understand something my father did love me he was spiritually sick guess what he's an alcoholic he died alcoholism in 1986 my father never tended to do that never intended to do the things he did to my three brothers he was spiritually sick now i get the instructions for my fourth column referring to my list again putting out of the minds out of my mind the wrongs others had done i readily look for my own mistakes the book uses the word mistakes folks we are not bad people i'm going to make mistakes till i put dirt on my grave Because I'm a human being, that's part of my nature. But I am growing spiritually, so I make less mistakes. We are not bad people. We make mistakes based on our level of spiritual awareness. That's all. It goes on to say, Where have I been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking, and frightened? So there's four areas that I'm going to look at. Though a situation is not entirely my fault, I tried to disregard the other person involved entirely. Where am I to blame? The inventory is mine, not the other man's. When I saw my faults, I listed them. I placed them before me in black and white. Now I get my instructions for the fourth column. So we need to get free of this resentment. So let's go back to Dallas. And here's what's going to be interesting. I'm resentful of Dallas because he won't forgive me. That affects seven areas of my life. So let's look at this and say, where am I at fault? Well, here's one of the ways I'm selfish and self-seeking in this. I think Dallas is supposed to forgive me because it's what I want. Right? I'm dishonest with myself because Dallas is spiritually sick. Spiritually sick people can't forgive. But I think he's supposed to forget. I'm in fear because if he won't forgive me, I probably won't get what I wanted. Here's the other piece. She chose to be in the relationship with Dallas You don't have any gun to her saying you will stay in this relationship with me She chose be in it You see what I'm saying now all of a sudden what used to be the truth now becomes a lie and I see all my stuff here's the neat part Dallas doesn't change a bit, and I get free of the resentment and And I've been able to do that with every resentment I ever had. A father who I hated, who I now have tremendous feelings of love every time that I think about him because he was a spiritually sick man who truly did the best he could based on his levels of spiritual awareness. If I was going to wait for my father to ever make amends for what he did to me, I was gonna die an alcoholic death. Once again, my ego does three things. It wants me separated from God, me, and you. One of the ways it does it, it takes all these resentments and it has them in my mind all the time and now I'm separated from them. Books tell me to change my attitude more. People are spiritually sick. Spiritually sick people do things. And you know what God asked me to do? I can't do it on my own. God wants me to be kind and tolerant toward those people who harm me because they're spiritually sick so that's the attitude I try and take today it's a wonderful place to live you know why? because I got free of what you say about me I got freed of the actions you take and today it's just about me and my relationship with God I got freer than the world in my four column resentment inventory okay now when I get through with a resentment inventory. I went back to Don and said, I'm done, let's do a fifth step. He said, no you're not, now you've got to write a fear inventory. Now you'll notice something in, turn back to page 65, and on the third column, you'll see wherever he wrote the word self-esteem, he also wrote the world fear. And that's a tool I try and use in the third volume because it helps me write my fear inventory Now let's look at the instructions on fear. It says, notice the word fear is bracked alongside the difficulties with Mr. Brown and Mrs. Jones, the employer, and the wife. This short word, fear, somehow touches every aspect of my life. Fear is an evil and corroding threat. The fabric of my existence is shot through with fear. Fear set in motion trains of circumstances which brought me misfortune I felt I didn't deserve but did not we ourselves set the ball rolling? Let me share something with you. Fear-based decisions only lead to more fear. Write that down. Fear- based decisions only lead to mere fear. Example, if I have a fear of being alone and I'm going out seeking relationships then I'm gonna get in it then I'll be scared to death, I'll lose it. Fear- based decisions only lead to more fear. goes on to say did not we ourselves set the ball rolling sometimes we think fear ought to be classed with stealing seems to cause more trouble how many of you in here have stolen something every one of us when you stole something wasn't that a conscious choice is it possible every single time you're experiencing any fear it's because you're making a conscious choice to live in the fear think about that your ego doesn't want to embrace that said what do you mean mark anytime i am fear it is i'm in fear i'm making a conscious choice to be in fear just like it did steely and you know why because i'm trying to rely on mark that's why so now i get instructions for this fear inventory mark reviewed his fears thoroughly Mark put them on paper, even though he has no resentment and connection with them. Mark asked himself why he had them. So when I do a fear inventory, there's two columns to it. Here's the first column. I make a list of my fears. Now, if I wrote, let me give you an idea. I'll take some of my own this time. When I wrote my third column, every time I saw fear, I wrote the word fear out to the side. So here's what I found in my third columns of fears. I have a fear of rejection. I have fear of authority. I have the fear of women. And I went down and I found everything I could in that third column for fears. Now, in addition to that, there's some other fears. I hate snakes. I don't like spiders. Some people fear heights. Some people fear dying in a fire. I ask God to show me all of the fears that I have. Now, here's the ones, though, I think for me have always been the most important. Things like I have a fear of intimacy. I have an idea of a relationship with a woman. I have fear of taking risks. I have afraid of showing you who I really am. I have fear of rejection i have a fear of abandonment that's the real meat those are the real fears that move us into making fear-based decisions and taking action i have a fear not being successful i have fear of being successful i have to fear failure i have the fear of success you know why because you expect me to do it again tomorrow and i don't know if i got the power to do that i have appear here's the other thing you'll find out about fears. If I have a fear of intimacy, I also have a fear being alone. By the time I got done my first inventory, I had four pages of fears and I could've written more. Don looked at me and said, is there anything you're not afraid of? I said, I don't think so. I started a fear inventory thinking I'm a tough macho male time in Vietnam raised in a tough, macho family. And I start out telling him I don''t very many fears. When I got done, I realized I was in fear from the time my eyes popped open until I went to sleep at night. I was afraid of speaking in front of a crowd. I was scared of being alone. I was worried of intimacy. I was afraid of being along. I was great success. I'm afraid of faith. I was a great rejection. I was afraid acceptance. I got as uncomfortable with the mental