Step 6 and Dishonesty – Big Book Study – Part 4 of 7 – Local AA Speakers

step six. And with that, tonight's presenter is Mark. Hi everybody, I'm Mark. I'm an alcoholic. You know, driving up here today, I said it's beautiful up here. I haven't been up here in quite some time. I'm from the Jersey Shore, not to be confused with the show. I'm from Howell, which is somewhere between Great Adventure and Belmar, New Jersey. So it's like 15 minutes to Great Adventure, 15 minutes to Belmar and somewhere in the middle we have a few surf tacos. So that's pretty cool for those of you who have eaten there. To qualify, I'd like to qualify. My sobriety date is March 31st, 2010. But with that being said, that wasn't my first meeting. And, you know, there's no coincidences that I was asked to share on Step 6 tonight. And it goes deep into why my sobriety date is what it is and what my first meeting was, which was 1996. My sponsor is REL. And, uh, you now, for me, alcoholism runs deep. I was kind of, uh... really resigned to that fact. and I'm going to get into that in my story a little bit before I get on the step itself. I was born in 1968, and I was adopted. I was adapted at three months old through Catholic Charities. I didn't know who my mother was. My mother that adopted me passed away at a very early age, very unexpectedly. My father, whom I do not have a relationship with today, is now active alcoholism. I did find my biological family when I was around 20 years old, and that was a gift and a curse all in and of itself. My biological father is an active gambler, so I was kind of screwed from the start, so to speak. The ism ran deep. I was raised, and I always felt like I had something missing. I don't know if any of you can identify with that, but I always was not comfortable in my own skin. I always needed something or someone to make me feel all right. When the something ran out, then it was someone. I was never happy with me. And from a very early age, I sought that out. I think my first addiction was fantasy. I always dreamt I wanted to be somewhere else. I wanted to be the rock star. Donny and Marie, they always had it better on TV. It always had to be something else. I was raised in, you know, I want to say my parents today and because of the program of Alcoholics Anonymous and working some steps that I realize today that they did the best they could and that's one of the gifts of this program. I don't want to say fellowship because, you know, I didn't learn that in diners. I didn' t learn that necessarily sitting in a meeting. I learned that from opening the book. I learn that from having spiritual teachers who showed me what I needed to do to get right with my Creator. And you know what? I've stumbled along the way. I will also share with you that when I'm working the program as outlined in this book, that wonderful things have happened to me in my life. I've met wonderful people, I have wonderful relations in my life, I had wonderful opportunities when I'm plugged in. But you know as as I have in my life I take my will back at times and when I do the results are disastrous. I was born and raised actually in Scotch Plains which isn't too far down the Parkway. Exit 135. And, you know, I went to school and I was an average student. I was nothing spectacular. But I always needed that need to be recognized. So I became a class clown. You know? That was my thing. I wasn't allowed to do anything. But I liked that recognition. At home I didn't get positive reinforcement. So I looked for it in the schoolyard. And I want to say that I got it. You And I'd rather be at school than home. My father did the best he could, like I said, but he used the old school. He used his fists. And I was scared. I lived in fear. I learned fear, which talks about in this book quite a bit. I learned fearful fear from a very early age. So I learned how to manipulate. You know, I learned how to do the dog and pony show. I knew how to allow you to see what I wanted you to see. You know, I said a little prayer on the way up here that God give me the words and the strength and the courage to speak my truth and experience. Because you know what? Just by my mind I can manipulate that and make it look to be better than when it really is. But really, what is better? My reality is my reality. My experience is my experience. Today, the steps help me see what that is. And it helps me to manifest itself, God in my life. And you know through that I have people that I'm able to take through the work. I want to say that my first real attempt at sobriety was 1996. I was in Albuquerque, New Mexico and just to fast forward a little bit, I had a 12 year career in the military, in the Air Force that my disease took from me. That I just, you know, I spent a year in federal prison. I don't, I might dress up like decent, but I've been to federal prison. I've been homeless and I've been divorced multiple times and I have children. I have all of that destruction that alcoholism occurs. My first drink was approximately 12 years old. Never forget it. Blackberry brandy. Did it. My father had this, you know, they were like hoarders downstairs. I don't know if any of you could identify. You had the downstairs, the pantry, you known for that nuclear war that wasn't coming back in the you know, in the late 70s. So his whole liquor cabinet was downstairs. And I had this plan that we were going to sneak out. We had an elaborate system. We had walkie-talkies and everything else, and we were gonna go out through the cellar window. We got away with it for an entire year, I must say, before I got caught. But the first drink was Blackberry Brandy. And what we did was when we snuck this bottle out and we're in the backyard, moon shining, and I remember drinking that drink and I remembered that warm feeling and then that invincibility, you know? And I was okay. I was Okay with the world. It was like 2 in the morning and I was OK with the World and I Was Alive. You know, for alcohol to be a depressant, it didn't depress me. It woke me up to be sensitive, to want to talk, to be present in the moment. As my ism progressed, I learned that my problem was dealing with the world without a substance in me. That was my problem. You know, it's shared by someone in this room and I totally agree with the principle. I had a sobriety problem. I did not like being real in the world without a circumstance in me and for that, I went to great lengths to do what I had to do to get out of myself. So my first drink was approximately age 12. My father, and I think when I said that he did the best that he could but I believe that he did because he tried to keep me from that. You know, I wasn't allowed out, that kind of thing. No proms, no nothing, get the grades, no sports. You know? And I think that was his way of kind of like protecting me from what I eventually became. Not that he knew maybe he did, but I wasn' t allowed to experiment. So I did experimenting on the sneak, you know, before school, after school, things of that nature. So when I did, when I drank, I drank to get drunk. There was no, like, sip of beer with lunch, you know, when I became of age. There was not, you have a glass of wine, I'd like the taste swirled, there was none of that. I drank for effect. That's my truth, that's my experience, that is my honesty. Because I didn't like who I was when I wasn't. You know, I felt less then. Today, I can tell you I don't feel that way. Can I say that I'm completely comfortable and I'm like a performer up here? No, of course I'm a little nervous. But I can say that my truth is that I can do it because I have the power of my creator behind me today. As it progressed, I don' t know if you've ever heard of the school Stockton State College, it's down by Atlantic City. I went there in 1987, fall of 1987. I left in the fall of 1990 with seven classes completed with a 1.8 GPA. Today, I have a college degree. You know, much to my elation, you know, I found out why that was. It was my ism. You know? I didn't have accountability. So all I did was take out loans, take out loans. There was no grades to show, and I drank. That was it. I drank, I was in a fraternity, I did the thing. And I couldn't figure out why people were going to class. Like, why would you want to do that when you could, you know? I couldn'T get up before two. You know, when you try to manipulate that, it talks about that in the book. It talks about, you Know, trying different types of alcohol. It talks About changing our environments. Talks about all these things that we try. And I did that. I did all those things. And I failed miserably. I failed Miserably. So I decided to join the military. And, you know, there was a war on and, you know, my ego was like, okay, you know, I'm going to be a part of saving the world. So that's what I did. I joined the military and again, I felt like I belonged. Remember I said in the beginning how we talked, how I talked about how I didn't like who I was, right? And so it was either substances or it was people or it was institutions. I learned about that too in my fourth step. So it was the institution of the government, of the military, that was going to make me alright. And you know what? That worked for a while. You know, because they drank, they accepted alcohol, at least the places I've been. And it allowed me to drink and I made it to work and everything, I was alright with the world. I started a family, I took a hostage, you know, that kind of thing from school. I got married, had a daughter. She's And she's 17 today. She lives up here. Her name is Noelle, and I love her dearly. And I've caused her a lot of harm. And, you know, I learned that in this program too. And I learned to let go, and I've learned to clean up my side of the street. But the military, you now, the military no matter where I went, I still, after a while, that didn't work either. It still wasn't all right with me. You know, and eventually I was court-martialed and went to prison for a year. And, you know, talk about a reality check. You spend a year, take a year away from your life when you're sitting in a cell six by eight and you're looking at concrete every day and you know it's a direct result of this disease and now you want to get better. Now you want it, now, now. As the lights flicker in, now you wanna get better or when you see human beings go to their lowest form, things that you never thought people would do. I was just like, what am I doing here? I don't belong here. I'm sick. You know, then the self-pity that they talk about in this book comes out. You know? Still no accountability for me. You know. I did not have the spiritual advisors and teachers that I have today in my life. You know my journey is my journey. My experience is my truth. You know and I don' t know how many years I went to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings and I walked in and I went to meetings and I left and you know and I just did not have the willingness to do what the program said how I went into meetings and you now I went to 90 meetings in 90 days things like that meeting makers make it and I did all these things and these little cliches just don't drink and go to meetings and that stuff never worked for me I didn't realize because I still hadn't opened up the book that I need to have a deep, effective spiritual experience. I didn't understand what that was. I didn' t get it. Instead of praying for my creator to put people in my life to give me that experience, I just thought I was going to get it just by osmosis, just by walking in the room. Isn' t it supposed to just come and get me? You know, it' s funny. I met Chris in this room, not this room but in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous years ago and I remember going to a workshop and I forgot the year but I remember saying like wow you know what I mean that's what I need I didn't realize the malady I didn' t know what the malty was the irritable restlessness and discontent that I had in my life and that's why I had a sobriety problem I must have not just been going to the right meetings you know that must have been it I just didn't have the right people put in my life, you know, and I just thought I was doomed. I really did. But, you Know, I'm happy to report that people did get placed into my life and the willingness and the honesty and the open-mindedness did present itself in my Life and I was willing to take a look at myself. And when I was, miraculous things happened. I had a number of years before my fall from grace so to speak and that kind of leads me into this six step stuff you know because I didn't wake up on March 20 I mean February 24, 2010 and say yeah today I'm going to take a drink that's not what happened to me I can't say that it was so overwhelming that I just ran to the liquor store and grabbed a drink That wasn't my experience. I can tell you that when I had the amount of time that I had, which is really irrelevant, I can telling you that I went back to school. I can told you I put my life back together when I was plugged in. I got married. I had a family. I can share with you that I went to school to be an addiction professional and graduated and became one. I can tells you that I ran a rehab facility in this state and the self-knowledge availed me nothing, absolutely nothing. Didn't matter what I knew. Didn't mater what I could read out of a book or what test I could pass about this disease. I got sick, and I got thick hard and fast. And I'm going to share about that a little bit. You know, step six talks about defects. and you know what the way I've been taught from the spiritual people in my life, my truth has been this that's how my disease came back and got me my defects for probably six months to a year and I was going to meetings I don't want to say I was going to the right meetings but I was calling people but you know what big defect that I have dishonesty And you know who I perpetrate that most against? Myself. I'm the biggest liar to myself. Not to you. I'll lie to me before to you any day of the week. And I got sick. February 24th, I picked up. And March 31st, I was on a plane to Texas to rehab. I don't want to say rehab. I was to a recovery center. Because it was more than, you know, and the person that picked me up, there was a little intervention done. And they, you Know, until I made that phone call, they weren't, nobody came in and swooped and there was no like recon seven patrol that dropped in through the windows. I had to make that call. And I remember crying like a little baby in my studio apartment in Bradley Beach and saying, God, this isn't supposed to happen to drug and alcohol counselors. But I'm here to tell you that it can and does. In fact, statistically, it's like five out of seven. The stats are no different than for anybody else who's not in the field of addiction. Do you see where ego comes into play for me here? I'm not immune. Self-knowledge availed me nothing. And when I went away to Texas and I was on that plane, with an escort, by the way, to make sure I got there, you know, I was as willing as the dying could be. And for that, I'm eternally grateful today. And when I got off that plane and I was beaten physically, spiritually. You know, I still had money left. I was just spiritually done. Six weeks. If that doesn't tell you what progression is, I don't know what does. Six weeks? I mean, like, I didn't, you know, know what day it was or anything like that anymore. But in six weeks, I was absolutely crushed. You know? We're entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. I was not doing any of that. I wasn't doing inventory. I wasn�t doing any amends. There were so many things that were left off. Steps were not in my life. You know, they talk about the triangle. I wasn�s working. I didn�t have one hand up. I didn�d have one hands down. And if you�re not working all sides of the triangle, at least for this alcoholic, I�m going to get sick. It's proven. I've time-tested it. You know, my wife divorced me while I was in treatment. My kids thought, Daddy, I thought we were done with this. That's what they said. They thought we Were Done With This. I thought I was done with it too. I didn't want to live. But now let's get to the solution a little bit and tell you how I got sick. I can't talk about step six. You know, in the book, it has this piece here, you know. And I'm going to, if I refer to it, it's because I don't know everything. But if we can answer to our satisfaction, we then look at step six. We have emphasized willingness as being indispensable. Are we now ready to let God remove from us all the things which we have admitted are objectionable? Can he now take them, every one? If we still cling to something, we will not let go. We ask God to help us be willing. That's page 76, into action. I can't talk about step six without talking about step five and step four a little bit. And because in step three and step two, you know, they're in the order for a reason. I'm sure that we all agree on that. You know, my concept of my higher power today, it's growing. It's evolving. It's changing. It's never stagnant. You know, and I've had, like I said, some really good spiritual teachers. And you know, I was listening recently to this speaker tape. And the gentleman who was speaking talked about defects. And what he was sharing about really struck me. He said, if you believe that God is all-powerful and all-loving, why can't he remove all your character defects? Why can't he? See, I had a problem with that because I thought I was doomed to be imperfect. Now, I'm not saying that he will because I learned in step three about turning it over and how my self-will gets in the way. But I learned that, you know what, with what kind of rigorous honesty and enthusiasm I have to seek this power greater than myself. And you know What? Some days I don't like to do it. Some days I do not want to go down and go meditate. Some days, I don't want to pray. And absolutely, some days, I do NOT want to work with another alcoholic. I want to stay and get mine. You know what I mean? Because I'm selfish to that extreme, you know? Some days it's work. But when I'm plugged in, I've never been to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting and I'll use this analogy. I've NEVER left the meeting and said, Man, I wish I didn't go to that meeting. It's never happened. It's my truth. It's never happened. When I take that same attitude towards working with others, towards seeking my truth with inventory, towards making amends, the same result. I've never been disappointed. So what is it that keeps me from doing that? What is it that holds me back into my sickness, into my disease, into my malady, into my restless, irritable, and discontentness? well, you know that's where my self-centeredness comes in but my concept of my higher power the one I was raised with I was born and raised in the church in the Catholic church in an Italian family and I was raising in one that as long as I went to church God would forgive me as long As I put money in the basket all was well and as long As I talked to a priest I was forgiven but it just allowed me to keep doing it I didn't get the relationship with my creator that I needed to seek. That this program, that those steps up on the wall have given me that. To restore me to sanity, which tells me I'm insane. Then I have to make a decision to turn my will and my life, or it's been presented to me in another way, my thoughts and actions, over to the care of my creator as I understand him, which changes, changes contingent upon some things that tell me I have to do in this book. Action, action that I don't want to take by my very nature. So it's kind of like there's a nice little spin on that. My fourth step teaches me about my defects. It teaches me About Pride. It teaches Me About Ambition. It teaches ME About Security. teaches me about things I had no idea what they meant. None. It teaches me what I need to strive to be. I can honestly tell you that from 96 till 2003, I can't tell you that I actually sat there and did an inventory and I wondered why I kept drinking. you know it describes the characteristics of alcoholics in here and what type we are you know and I always thought you know I could just put it down I always though that I could put it down if I had the girl if I have the job I really believe that and if I just went to meetings and listened to some pretty good stories went home and I was ok but you know the best judge of how I'm doing is When I leave here and I leave this meeting, wherever I'm staying, when I go into my house and what my family says how I'm doing, people that are with me 24-7, when the dogs are barking, the milk spills off the table, the leaves aren't raked by the kids, the soccer games are back to back, you know, that's the real tale of where I'm at, you know, in my home, however that looks. So this inventory, when I got honest and I did this inventory. See there was more still work to be done. My ego. My ego was just, you know, it's just the heart of me. Which, you now, I'm sure we've heard this analogy. Easing God out. Stuff like that. But it tells me that I need to admit to God and to another human being the exact nature of my wrongs. And it tells me, there's promises in here that tells me what happens when I do that. It tells me why we need to do that, that we're never going to get over drinking unless we do. It tells us that there's an archway and that on the other side we're going to feel at peace and we're gonna enter a new relationship with our creator. Now, before I did all this, I was just wrapped up with fear. Fear of telling somebody, of not being trustworthy. You know, I learned how dishonest I was in my fourth step. I learned How I Lied to Myself and to Others. So I really needed some willingness in my fifth step to do it. And when I finally found that and did that, I realized that these deep dark secrets weren't out on the Internet. They weren't in meetings. They weren' t being gossiped about in diners. they were you know my sponsor and my spiritual advisors did exactly what they said they were going to do they kept it to themselves you know and and you know I doesn't necessarily say that in this book but that's been my experience and and for that I'm eternally grateful and I've had the experience of of hearing a fifth step or two in my time too and it's a tremendous experience so we're on the sixth step and we're entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character so I'm learning what my defects are from my fourth step and I'm learned that I'm dishonest I'm learn that I have I don't like using the word hate but a strong dislike for people for no reason I've learned that my perceptions are distorted you know, I've learned that I can't trust my mind and that's part of being restored to sanity for me I have to learn how to have that oneness with my creator so I can learn to be the person that he wants me to be you know and this program like I said has helped give me that so these defects of character most of them are based in fear I realize that too you know and if I'm at one with my Creator and I'm seeking my creator, well, God's bigger than any of my fears. So am I ready to have him removed? See, a lot of defects, you know, it talks about that in the seventh step prayer, you know good and bad and to do your bidding. You know, some of my defects I thought worked for me. You know like how do I know if I'm enabling another alcoholic in their disease or not? How do I really know that? I could think I'm doing a good thing. there's an example of something good that maybe my creator doesn't want me to use because maybe that person is entitled to their bottom. See, this comes to me in prayer and meditation. Things that, I mean, you know, and this is all part of my process. If I was listening to what I just said 10 years ago, I wouldn't even understand it. I wasn't ready for the message. You know, and that's where I'm grateful today. I'm grateful for the simple fact that I have a purpose today, you know. And that's revealed to me sometimes one day at a time, some days two days at a time. But am I entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character? You know, there was an exercise that somebody gave me and the exercise went a little bit like this. That after I was done with my fifth step, the person who took me through the work like went like this, you know, and they pushed the paper over. And I'm looking at the paper and I'm like, wow, really? You know, I mean, some of them I said, okay, yeah. But some of them, I was just like, not me. You know my ego was there, you now. I was like, you know, am I willing to take a look at that? So looking at that column, it was, I was instructed that I need to write the opposite of that. So if I was impatient, I had to write the opposite and put patience. If I was vengeful, compassionate, you get the idea? When I wrote the opposite, when I wrote the opposite to that stuff, I was supposed to talk to my creator and pray and meditate on that and being the opposite of that and seeking that jealousy. You know, I mean, the list goes on. But for me, I can't tell you that I'm on a daily basis entirely ready. You know... Some defects just work for me. And it's all fear-based. And when I trust in my creator, they melt away. They go away. I didn't realize how fearful I was until I came into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. Scared of what I wanted that I couldn't have or scared of losing something I had. I didn�t get that. So I was in a constant state, constant state of turmoil. I was never at one. That was part of my disease. So when I shared earlier about being not okay with myself and having a sobriety problem, that all made sense to me. We're entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character, you know? And in saying that, I can share that my defects come out in the weirdest ways. They come out at work. They come through my children. They come out with my family. You know, when I can walk into a meeting, I can sound good, I can say, you know, I'm at one, all is well, I pray, I meditate. But I can't tell you that when I go home, I'm always feeling that way. You know? It comes out after a long day. I could just be sitting there watching TV. Boom, they're there. Just like that. And I'm like, how did that happen? You could say you're not going to fight with your significant other. You get to the end of the day and boom, you're fighting. You're like, How did that happened? Self-centeredness. You know, I didn't realize how many different forms of self-centeredess there was until I came into the rooms. And I've had spiritual teachers show me what those were. You know my fifth step, the last one that I did and the list that was presented to me, I keep that list and I don't want to say every day but at least multiple times three or four times a month I take a look at that before I go into my prayer and meditation that was something else I wasn't doing before I got sick I stopped doing that the prayer was always there but the meditation never was there so I'm always asking but I'm never listening that was an important part of my recovery piece that I was missing I didn't know how to do it I thought that there was some script for that I thought that I had to sit there and be at one and go on top of some mountain, and I didn't realize how simple it was. And when I first tried it, I can tell you that it was a lot of sitting in the corner and couldn't wait until it ended because I had start timing myself because I don't do well sitting in same place for an extended period of time. It's just not what I do. But I can say that practicing that and doing that, it's gotten easier as the time has gone by. You know, when I came home, I came home from Texas. I was in Texas from the beginning of April until August and you know, I was away for the extended vacation and when I came back I was on my ninth step and I was on my amends and I didn't realize how much of a role my defects in the sixth step played in my ninth-step amends, how that self-centered fear was the origin of all my amends, of all the harm that I did. Yeah, drinking played a role in that, the substance, but really it was all fear-based stuff. I didn't see that until I put that all on cards, you know? And I asked the people because my perception of what I've done to people and what they think I've gone through or what I think I'm done to them are two different things. That was the other nice little truth that came out there. My list may have had four things on it. They came back with another seven. I was like, oh. But I had to be willing to look at that. The sixth step for me is as important as the first step because that's what took me out, my defects of character. I didn't wake up. I didn' t pick up a drink on February 24th. That' s not what happened. I was restless, irritable and discontented for probably a good six months before that. And I was going to work every day. I was goi ng to meetings. But the dishonesty that I shared with you earlier, how that' s probably the number one thing that I'm the perpetrator of being dishonest with myself just kept growing and growing and you know everybody else saw it but me by the way, multiple people in the program and my ego was just, no what are you talking about I didn't have that group of men I disassociated and I'm going to share on that fear that fear that I am talking about as an addiction professional You see, I couldn't share as honestly as I am here hopefully tonight with you all. Couldn't share that because, you see, if you knew how I was really feeling and how angry and restless and irritable and discontented I really was, then you would say, how is he a counselor? See, that's how my rational mind, like, that guy's nuts. What's he doing helping people get better? See, I, you know, so I knew this, right? So I could not share honestly in a meeting. So I need to create my own meeting, you know, like different professors do, you know like doctors and lawyers do, have their own meeting. You know? I couldn't be honest. Today, you knows what, when the pain gets so deep, it doesn't matter to me. My license is suspended, so you're all safe. Okay, my license is suspended for the time being. and you know I don't know if that's what I'm supposed to be doing or not you know when I first relapsed and I went away to treatment I said to myself I was in detox and the nurse was trying to get me to go to a group in the morning and she kept opening my door and I'm like don't you know who I am I'm not a group I run groups you know and I remember signing a complaint against this nurse and I signed it with my credentials you know. And I mean this is just my truth. It's funny now but let me tell you something. It was not funny when I was there. It Was not funny. I was angry. You know and I remember going to treatment and I was like okay I'm here. There were some suggestions given to me about how long I should be there and what I needed to do. And i was like no no, no, I have to get back to work. I am so glad today that I'm up here sharing with you and not working right now because I needed all this time, all this time to get Back With My Creator, to get Right With God, to take people through the work to get better again. I don't know if that's what I'm supposed to be doing. I really don't. I'm open to the idea of doing other things. I can tell you that I wasn't open to the ideia of doing another thing a year ago. I was not. Again, defect of me thinking I know what I need to have and not have. Thinking I know my defects are and what they are not. Thinking that God can remove them all entirely or not. So, they're revealed to me, am I willing to look at them? Do I have the willingness to take accountability for them? Then can I believe that my creator can remove them. And that's the importance between the second step and the sixth step for me. See, I didn't, my creator is bigger than my fears. I mean something that simple that was presented to me. If he's bigger than my fears, why can't he remove my defects? That just makes a lot of sense to me. So there's prayers for that in the big book. There's prayers for fear. There is a third step prayer, things that I'm sure some of you in here are familiar with. And that's the importance of that stuff today in my life. I'm willing to look at that. I am willing to see through that i'm willing to look at my fears but but most of them most of them aren't real i think they're real but the closer i am with god the less real they become and i just become innocent again my sixth step takes me back to the way i'm reading another piece of literature right now and it takes me back to just being innocent childlike like playing basketball, playing soccer. Like, you know, I mean, my defects just cloud all that stuff. They really do. My anger, my you have that car, I have this car, you have that house, I Have That House. You know, it didn't really matter to me when I was on a plane to Texas last year. It didn't. All I wanted to do was die. And it wasn't, you know, and it was just because of that malady, that spiritual malady. The physical I knew would get better. The obsession I know could be lifted eventually, but that spiritual malady, that's what really got me. That's where the defects come into play and that's how I got sick. I want to thank you all for allowing me to come here today to speak. And with that being said, I don't know if we want to open it up. I know we've got a little bit of time, but that's all I have. I'm going to stay here, he says. Does anybody have any questions for me at all? About this, any step about... Yeah, I know exactly, I think I know what you're saying. I don't know for sure. But I'll say that, you know, for me that there were scales, like scales on my eyes. Like I didn't see, I heard what I had selective hearing. You know, so I do believe that there was individuals with a solution that were presented in my life. I just believe that my denial system was so strong that I didn'T want to hear it. so I, like, naturally gravitated the other way. You know, like when the meeting was over, I was out the door, and if anybody invited me to open the book, I,like, never called them. You know? If you wanted to go to the diner, I was your guy, you know? So I am the type of alcoholic who needs to get in the work, so I think, if I hear you correctly, I needed to find those people, but you know what? As I was brought through the work and part of the triangle, you know, for me in my life today, I have to seek those people out now as well, because I could meet that person who's going to be running out the door. And you know what? It might be my responsibility to go get them. I don't see that. I have TO take responsibility for that in my recovery today. I HAVE to seek that person to work with out. You know, just like maybe that they, people tried with me, but I wasn't ready. I Have to do that. So that person Who's in the back, Who's going to like run out when this meeting is over. Like, you know what? I have to seek a person out like that and say, here's my number. You know, give me a call if you would like to go through the work. You Know, and I had all wrapped up what that looked like as far as names, sponsors, sponsees, pigeons, all this stuff. You Now, and today I look at it as spiritual advisement and somebody to take me through the Work and it's that simple. and when I have someone take me through the work I'm going to ask somebody else when I'm done because I want a new experience with that for me, that's a decision I've made like there's not one size fits all it's not like I have a sponsor and he's got to be my guy for the next 25 years like that doesn't have to be that way I don't know where it says that in that book that you have to have the same guy I want an experience but all these ideas have come to me in my prayer and meditation life and that's how they were revealed to me so I've been through the work in the past since I've lived with three people my men's list has gotten shorter because you know I have the never the now and the maybe I'll just use that as an example so now things have moved up the list but I've also been given some enlightenment and awakening from going through the world and working with different people so I will continue to seek that out but as I continue to seek that out because I have a taste of it of that awakening I also have an obligation to bring it out you know so I like to go to meetings where I take and I like the same thing I like going to meetings where I give and that's like I'm very passionate about that because that's my truth I can't keep it it tells me what happens if I keep it and don't give it away and that was a part that was missing as my professional life I thought was growing, that's what stopped because I was in fear. I don't know if that kind of shared on that. I got a little carried away. Well, the defects that I was alluding to on that list, I was acting on them. I wasn't living my sex ideal. I wasn't the father I wanted to be. I wasn'T the supervisor I wanted to be, all these little things suffered and you know I'm either afraid of what I can't have or what I'm going to lose became prevalent in my life, in my relationships both professionally and personally you know I had like a little internal attack from some co-workers that really got me a little amped up, you know because I gave them their start and they wanted my job, you know? I mean, like, you go home with that, you know? I could deal with it at work if home was okay, but what I saw, and I think, I hope I answered your question, was, you know, as my truth revealed, that all of it imploded at once for me. My home, my work, everywhere I went fell apart at the same time. You know, it didn't happen like where I could get it together at home, but it wasn't at work. My marriage fell apart. My work fell apart, and I had to take accountability for where that lay in my life with my character defects, my fear, my fear-based behaviors that I allowed to control my life instead of doing a third step and turning my thoughts and actions, will, and life over to the care of my creator, seeking that out, getting another alcoholic to work with, not professionally, take through the work. Things like this, I wasn't living the triangle. I wasn't going to meetings. I wasn'T working steps. I wasn' t taking anyone through the work. When I do that, you know, a real quick 10-step for me is am I taking anybody through the work? Am I accountable to someone who took me through the work? And, you know, am I, what am I doing? You know, and I could do that real simple, recovery fellowship. And when I'm not, within a certain period of days, my life falls apart. So it all imploded. and that night I went out I was I went to Philadelphia and I was at a piano bar and I was on a date and of course I didn't share with the date you know she might not like me and she said to me she goes you don't drink? and I just looked at her like that and I said what are you talking about? I drank it was I mean it was just like that But for the months leading up to that, all that anger, all that sobriety problem I talked about in the beginning, you know, I had a problem with reality. You know,I just needed to get out of reality and it just reached a crucial boiling point. I didn't seek my creator and say, you know, that strange mental blank spot they talk about and suddenly, you know, suddenly whiskey and milk, you know, like that happened. you know and it tells you it tells us in the book that there's going to come a point when the only thing keeping you between you and a drink is for me your creator you know and I wasn't seeking my creator for months so it just came true what it said in the book. I mean I was playing Russian roulette for months and it finally came true. I don't know if I answered but it's my experience We're running out of time, but I'll just share real quick that there's directions for that. The different types of alcoholics and what I needed to do, it tells me in the book what I should do if I don't want to do the work, but when the pain got bad enough for me, that was my solution. I mean, it just, you know, the book worked for me. It's all about a relationship with my creator and I think that if I said anything but for me, it's not a punishing thing because everything that I shared tonight, all my behaviors and destruction were based in my defects and my self-will. Nothing, when I saw it in the Christian world,