Rigorous Application of the Big Book – Bb Workshop – Part 5 of 10 – Local AA Speakers

Okay, a whole lot more worser? I like the worser. That feedback kind of sounded like a little Creedence Clearwater revival there from that day. We're rolling. Hi everybody. Charlie Parker. I'm Charlie Parker, I'm a Grateful Recovered Alcoholic. You know I've been on both sides of that recovered alcoholic thing and I never know whether I'm starting trouble with somebody the first time I heard it I thought what an arrogant statement that is you know and then some of the people started hanging with we're like well you know this book doesn't really wait long to start making me promises on the on the title page it says how many thousands of people have recovered from alcoholism and there's about 17 references in here to having recovered On page 90, it says they have them ask him if he wants to quit for good and if he would go to any extreme to do so. If he says yes, then his attention should be drawn to you as a person who has recovered. There's a lot of stuff in there like that. Page 20? What? And page 20, isn't it? 24. There's-there's a-a lot of that kind of stuff there, but I-I just-it's funny because recovering from the hopeless condition of mind and body doesn't make me able to drink again successfully. It's like you can recover from a bullet wound, but it doesn't mean that you're bulletproof, you know. But I think the book speaks many times to the idea that we can recover from the disease of alcoholism, that these are people who have found a recovery program. So that's just one of those things. There's another thing that falls under the set-aside prayer. I started with my little ADD brain earlier to address why we do the set aside prayer. And it's because, I mean not in New Jersey, I'm sure, but the AAs in Texas are hard headed and resistant to contrary opinions. And what I've discovered is that if you say anything or if you come at me with anything that differs from my belief system, my ego goes into fighting for its life. And all of a sudden, we're not arguing about recovering anymore. It's life and death because my ego can't give up the fight or it's going to die. And so I give really strong reactions to stuff sometimes. And then what's really the worst is when I have a really strong reaction about something And then somebody shows me like six pieces of literature, and I go, oh, well, how about that? You know, but I was ready to kill you, you know, over this point 30 minutes ago. But anyway, it's a thing. But we're having a great time, by the way. I hope you guys are. We've been going over one, two, and three, and then the spiritual deal. And there's a lot of work in this book, and I love the instructions in the first six pages of working with others where it talks about getting this guy and asking him, qualifying him, are you one of us? Asking him, are you willing to go to any lengths? And then letting him know what that's going to look like. You know, when we say, are you willing to go to any lengths? Well, let me tell you what that's going to look like. You're going to make the surrender. You're gonna do an inventory. We're gonna try to, you know, and that sort of thing so that he knows what process he's volunteering for because, you Know, it's funny because there's the part of the big book that I call the most often read and least listened to section of the Big Book is how it works, you Now, And it's as close as a lot of us ever get to meditation because when they say, rarely have we seen a person fail his, I go, zoom. And then when they go, B, that probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism, I kind of come back into the room. And that was as close As I got to meditation for a long time is that tuning out when they would read how it works. But there's that line where it says, if you want what we have and are willing to go to any lengths to get it. And in the amends process, there's a piece where it says, remember, it was agreed at the beginning that we would go to any lengths for victory over alcohol. And when you're reading the book line by line, I was like, where did we make that agreement? You know, and it's in that 12-step call where the guy is saying, you know, are you on a bus? If you do, we have a recovery program. Are you willing to go to anything to try it? Well, none of that has anything to do with what I was going to talk about this morning. But another thing in how it works that I've never given a lot of thought to is it says, we stood at the turning point. We asked his protection and care with complete abandon. Did you ever ask yourself, what's the turning part? When did we stand at the turn point? What does that mean? It's right here on page 25 because they've spent a lot of time now telling me what it means to be alcoholic what this hopeless condition of mind and body is. And then it says here, if you're as seriously alcoholic as we were, we believe there's no middle-of-the-road solution. We're in a position where life was becoming impossible, and if we had passed into the region, this is at the bottom of 25, from which there is no return through human aid, and now we know what that means, we have but two alternatives, like Chris was talking about earlier. one was to go on to the bitter end blotting out the consciousness of our intolerable situation and the other to accept spiritual help that's the turning point there's no big flashing sign at the starting turning point but there's No Door Number 3 either like Chris was saying I can either go on to the better end of the thing that makes me love drunks is we're the only people in the world that would go mmm can you tell me a little more about that bitter end because this whole spiritual approach so the reason I brought that up is because I've got to be convinced of all this stuff I keep talking about step one pulling me through the work and we get over here on 45 and it says lack of power that was our dilemma We had to find a power by which we could live, and it had to be a power greater than ourselves. Obviously. Why is that obvious? Because my power ain't getting the job done. It's got to be of power greater then me. But where and how are we to find this power? The book promises me clear-cut directions showing exactly how we recovered. And it says, well, that's exactly what this book is about. Its main object is to enable you to find the power greater thn yourself. which will solve your problem singular solve your problem well we've talked a lot about selfishness self-centeredness being the root of the problem and I've talked about what happens if I just go from the second step of being willing to believe to doing the third step prayer we miss this whole piece of work we've been pounding for the last couple of hours about selfishness and self-centeredness. It's so amazing to me that first time through the work when my program was based on abstinence from alcohol, that I missed that selfish piece. When I get back into the work and I'm reading the book and these lines are leaping off the page at me and I come to Katie like I've struck gold and I go Jesus, Katie self is all over this thing. She goes, you really never heard that before? And I go, uh-uh. She goes, that's some pretty basic stuff, Charlie. And I was like, missed it. In meeting-based sobriety, I was not getting it. So now, check it out. We do that third step prayer, and now we really know what it means when it says relieve me of the bondage of self. And it doesn't say relieve meofthe bondageofselfsoicanchill. It says, you know, that it would take away my difficulties so that victory over them would help me work with others. You know, it's all about others. It's all About the New God. It's never about self. I keep waiting for it to be, but it keeps saying it's All for the Newcomer. Even back on 132 when it says we absolutely insist on enjoying life, even that's not for me. You know? It says if a newcomer saw no joy in our existence, he wouldn't want it. So if I'm not having a good time sober, what's this new guy, you know, going to come? You know, like, I'm a grateful alcoholic. You know what I mean? Well, tell your face about it. You know? I mean, because he obviously didn't get the memo. You know that you're a happy alcoholic over here. But when we get into the third step prayer, rolling on into four and five now, it says next there's two time references. And we were talking about how long it would take putting somebody through the steps. And it takes me about two and a half, three hours to work a guy through step one and the deal we make in step three. There's two parts of the deal. The first part is I'm going to quit playing God. The second part is what I call the deal part two is where he'll give me what I need if I stay close to him and performance work well. The book says God doesn't make too hard of terms for those that seek him. Those are the terms. I stay close to him and perform his work well, he gives me what I need. And he's been doing a really good job of holding up his end of the deal. Well, when we get through with that third step prayer, there's two time references on when to do the fourth step. It says, and I love what Scott L. says from Naturally. He says he lets his fonties choose the first time reference or the last time reference or anywhere in between. It seems fair, really. It says, next, we launched out on a course of vigorous action. That's a time reference. Next, the first step of which, so this course of vigorous action isn't just the inventory. The first step for this course of vigourous action is the inventory, which many of us have never taken. Though our decision, what decision? The decision that I'm going to quit playing God. Though our decission was a vital and crucial step, and it's fun to look up vital and crucial. It means critically important and key to life. Though it's a vital and crucial step, it could have little permanent effect unless at once, followed by a strenuous effort to face and be rid of the things in ourselves which have been blocking us. At once is a time reference. So I can either start the fourth step next or at once or anywhere in between. you know it's like it's not going to be a step a month it's you know as soon as we do the third step prayer it's telling me man that was a moving and powerful experience it will not keep you sober if you're one of us of its own power the third step decision will not keep me sober next i've got to launch so what i say is the strenuous effort to face and be rid of the things in ourselves which have and blocking us. Blocking me from what? I've admitted in step two that I got to have the power. I don't have the power to keep myself sober, to keep yourself sane and useful. And if I'm going to seek this power and I've made this decision to seek the power, I've got to remove the stuff that's blocking me from the power. And I use this pipeline example where you got God over here and you got me and we got this big pipeline between the two. My pipe is full of resentment. It's full of remorse. It's filled with guilt and shame and harms to others and sexual stuff. But, I mean, it's easy to see that if all I can think about is how Chris pissed me off. This one, this is an analogy. How's my contact with God going to be? You know, if all i can think of is how I'm not being treated fairly and the people that have wronged me in the past, can you see it? It's blocking me from this power that I've admitted is my only shot at surviving this deal. If I have to have this complete psychic change and it's going to come as a result of this power, I've got to remove what's blocking Me from the power. Our liquor was but a symptom, so we had to get down to causes and conditions. I need to at least remove enough stuff out of that pipeline where a little contact can get through between Me and this power. It may not be flushed clear on my first inventory. I should also say I'm a believer in multiple inventories. I've done it both ways. My first sponsor once said, you only take one inventory. A drunk like me, you don't have to say that but once to me, and I'm like, done. I am tapped out. You know, I did my inventory. Don't look at me again. You know? They told me if you ever do a second one, you're just bragging. And I rode that train for 17 years. And now I'm in a school of thought where we do multiple inventories. And I even believe in multiple fifth steps. I will write an inventory now and do a fifth step with two or three people. I'd love to do a sixth step with Chris. You know, when I do, I get different experiences. And it's funny because my sponsor talks about having an opinion on an experience I've never had. If you've never done multiple fifths steps with somebody, it's going to be hard to have a rational opinion about what that's like. I love, Chris and I were in this conversation one time, and he said, you know the only people that talk about that you should only do one inventory are people that have only done one inventory. He said, we've never had anybody that's done five inventories come back and go, man, I should have stopped at one. You know, those last four really fouled me up. But let's talk about the one anyway. It says, therefore we start upon our personal inventory. Now, at this part of the book, I'll tell a new guy, I want you to look at this page, and we're looking for information or we're looking for action. And if it's an information sentence, look for the information that's in that sentence. And If there's an action implied in that sentence, take that action right now. Don't go on and read the whole, you know, we don't read the full book and then come back and do it. As the actions are implied, we take them right then. This is an information paragraph. A business which takes no regular inventory usually goes broke. Taking a commercial inventory is a fact finding a fact-facing process. It's an effort to discover the truth about the stock and trade. One object is to disclose damaged, unsaleable goods to get rid of them promptly and without regret. If the owner of the business is to be successful, he cannot fool himself. We did exactly the same thing with our lives. We took stock honestly. First, we searched out the flaws in our makeup which caused our failure. This one blew my mind because when I'd gone along Now, not seeing the peace on self, remember when I said, when it says being convinced that self, no, the first requirement is I be convinced that any life run on self-will can hardly be a success. And I said not only was I not convinced of that, that it had never touched me, but I did my first inventory. It was kind of like a little confession that was going to make me feel better about myself. And if I felt better about oneself, then I wouldn't need to drink. That's not exactly the spirit of the fourth step the way I read it now. But when I missed that whole self piece, what did I do when I got to this line? It says, being convinced that self manifested in various ways was what had defeated us. We considered its common manifestations. So now all of a sudden the fourth steps is a consideration of the manifestations of self. I was like, what? You know, I thought we were just going to confess the stuff that makes me feel bad about me so Charlie will feel better and like Charlie better and then Charlie won't have to drink and steal from his family. Well, it says being convinced of self. That's why I think it's important to have gone over that body of work in 60 to 63. Otherwise, I'm not convinced that a life run on self-will won't do it. I don't know that self is what has defeated me, and why would I be interested in considering its common manifestations? Does that make sense? I hope this is all stuff that everybody knew from day one, and I hope I'm the only one that missed this. But I don'T think that's – that has not been my experience. I think there's maybe one other person in the room that may have missed some of this. And if we're just going over it again, I hope you're not too offended by the waste of time. But if we are considering common manifestations of self, what does it say? It says the number one offender is resentment as a manifestation of self. How does self show up in my life? Well, the first place self shows up is resentment. It says, from it stem all forms of spiritual disease. For I've been not only mentally and physically ill, I've been spiritually sick. Now other than the bedevilments on page 52, this is really the first time the book mentions the spiritual malady. It talks a lot about the physical obsession, I mean the physical allergy and the mental obsession. But when we get over here on 64, it says, we've been not only mentally and physically ill, we've been spiritually sick. Now there's some argument in the AA community about whether this is a two-fold disease or a three-fold disease. I believe it's a threefold disease, body, mind, and spirit. In my experience, I've certainly got the physical allergy, the phenomenon of craving. I've got the mental obsession. But what drives the mental obsession? What makes me eventually go back to drinking, I believe, is the spiritual malady. And the closest I've come to the spiritual malady a lot of times is when you talk about that black hole, that big hole in my gut that I've had since elementary school. People in AA know what you're talking about. When you say, you know, that I tried to fill that hole and then I had that hole and that the first time I'd ever felt it filled was the first Time I drank. To me, that's the closest thing I've Come to describing the spiritual Malady is whatever that feeling of separation is that I've been carrying around since elementary school where I had to, you didn't necessarily know that I was feeling it, but I had to outperform you to feel equal to you. If I was going to play baseball, I had the bat number four and I had to pitch or I'll go home. You know, everything I had to be because I've had that feeling as far back as I can remember. Well, for me it's all forms of spiritual disease where we've been not only mentally and physically ill we've been spiritually sick when the spiritual malady is overcome we straighten out mentally and physically so you remember when i said the book promises clear-cut directions it says right here in dealing with resentments we set them on paper did anybody look at this three column thing here and go what the hell you know i mean well Well, listen to what it says over here. We set them on paper. We listed people, institutions, or principals with whom we're angry. Bam! Is that an action? Stop right there. I stop right there and I list people, institutes, and principals. Usually if I put a guy through the first three steps and show him this much, I can send him home for a couple of days. Just go home. But I think it's brilliant the way they start off. They don't start us off writing about fear. They started us off writing about resentment because any good drunk can tell you who he's pissed off at. I mean, we have rehearsed this piece for a long time. So they don't bring me in and say, let's talk about your childhood issues. They're like, who are you mad at? And at 17 years sober, I went to do an inventory with Myers. And I met him at the primary purpose group in Dallas. He said, I've got to go make the coffee. He goes, just sit down here and make out a list of who you're mad at. And he went and filled the 100-cup percolator. He came back. I had 27 items. I'm 17 years sober. He goes. Damn. How long since you did an inventory? I said, 17 years. And he looks at it, and it had Sprint. It had Ford Motor Company. It had American Airlines. He goes... You know, collectively, you're married to about 5 million people. but it says we listed people, institutions or principals to whom we're angry I've got some four step guides I go back and forth on guides I will use a guide if it follows the language of the big book exactly but I think the most important thing is that we be able to do a fourth step out of the Big Book so that if a guy is ready to do a fourth tip he doesn't feel like he's got to go get the Hazelden Guide and this, you know, 200-question guide. And, you Know, there was one when I was sobered up that had 250 questions on it. One of them was like, have you ever seen your mother naked? And, You know, but if a guy says, can you sponsor me through the work? He's like, this is going to take a lot of data collection. You know? I'm going to have to get the Haselden guide and this guide and this guide, you Now, but no, you got a big book? Yeah, well, let's sit down and do it. And,You know, one way that, but this guy, I'm going to hand these out. I had these printed out for everybody. Some of the good stuff that's in here, there are some prompt sheets. There's some stuff like sometimes when we get to institutions and principles, people get a little jammed up, and there's some prompts in here like, you know, what do we mean when we're talking about institutions and principals? And, you Know, it says marriage, church, religion, races, law, authority, government. And then you go, okay. You know, maybe I can write some of that stuff down. But I have one of these for everybody, And I'm going to have some cards up here later because I've got all this stuff in electronic format. And I should say up front, I didn't write any of this stuff. This is all stuff I've gathered off the Internet that I agreed with. But let's say we're going to do it right out of the big book. I'm also completely down with taking a spiral notebook, opening it up both pages, and putting a line down the middle of each page, and writing a name and skipping a line and writing an name and skip a line and writing another name and skipping a line. Because look at what it says. it says we listed people, institutions and principles with whom we're angry. Lists go up and down generally and part of the reason that this thing on page 65 threw me because I would always look at it and I'm looking at it like that. Well the book says we go down like that I write the first column first I write everybody I'm mad at and then I come back and it says we asked ourselves why we were angry next action That's the second column, the cause. Why am I angry? So I put down. Now, the thing I like about putting only a name and skipping a line and a name is skipping a skip and a line is because when I'm doing an inventory with somebody, I'm looking for bullet points. I do not want to hear the entire story. Now, you look at Mr. Brown here. Look at this. His attention to my wife. He told my wife I got a mistress, and he's trying to get my job at the office. One of my favorite AAPs was there was a T-shirt we saw at a conference and it said, Mr. Brown needs his ass kicked. Because when you think about it, you look at what he's done to this guy. He's hitting on his wife. He told his wife he's got a girlfriend on the side and he'S trying to Get His Job. The key point, I mean, I'm mad at this guy. He got 19 words in the second column. We didn't get a life story. We got bullet points. He got 18 words of what? Okay. Well, then when we get all that stuff down, then it comes back and it says, In most cases it was found that our self-esteem, our pocketbooks, our ambitions, our personal relationships were hurt or threatened. and we were sore, we were pissed off. It says burned up. But on our grudges, we said opposite each name, our injuries was that our self-esteem, our security, our ambitions, our personal or sex relations, which had been interfered with, we were usually as definite as this example. And here comes the third column here. How did this injury affect me? You know, him hitting on my wife, that's going to affect my personal relations. It's going affect my ambitions. It's gonna affect my social life. It's affecting my personal security. It's going to affect my financial security, you know, if my wife leaves me. And sex relations, hopefully. That's still going on at the house, you Know. But with ambitions, I always tell people the easiest way for me to translate ambitions is how did I want things to turn out? What were my plans for how things should turn out, and that's my ambitions. Well, if this guy runs off with my wife, that is not the way I was hoping things would be. So it's goingto affect my ambitions, you And so we write all that stuff down. We go back through there. Katie will go into a lot more detail about this, but these first three columns most of us have done before we get here. You can do these first two columns. These first three column on a bar stool, you know, who I'm mad at, what they did to me and how it affected me. When we get through with all this stuff, on the next page, on page 66, it threatens my life like six or seven times on page 66. It says, to conclude others were wrong as far as most of us ever got. The usual outcome was that people continued to wrong us. We stayed sore. The more we fought and tried to have our own way, the worse matters got. Our moments of triumph. It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. To the precise extent do we permit these? Do we squander the hours which might have been worthwhile? But with the alcoholic, whose hope, what is our hope? Our hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience. But with The Alcoholic, whose Hope is the Maintenance and Growth of a Spiritual Experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal. For when harboring such feelings, we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit, the insanity of alcohol returns, then we drink again, And with us, to drink is to die. If we were to live, we had to be free of anger. So this piece of work is really only important for the ones of us that want to live. Everybody else can take a pass on this one. But it says if we were TO LIVE, we HAD TO BE FREE OF ANGER. The grouch and the brainstorm were not for us. They may be the dubious luxury of normal men. We use a 1936 dictionary in our home group. dubious means doubtful yeah it's questionable that it's even a luxury for them but it's certainly not for us but for alcoholics these things are poisonous we turn back to the list for it held the key to the future now i hope i don't run over but this is a very important part out of all the four-step guides i've seen i've never seen one that contains this prayer at the bottom of page 66, because it says, we began to see that the world and its people really dominated us. In that state, the wrongdoing of others had the power to actually kill. How could we escape? We saw that these resentments must be mastered, but how? We couldn't wish them away any more than we could alcohol. There's that lack of power again. I can't just say, I've got to get rid of these resentment. This was our course. We realized making it real for me that the people who wronged us were perhaps spiritually sick though i don't like their symptoms and the way they disturbed us now i like that part about judging them as being sick not so big on this part where it says they like ourselves we're sick too it's much more satisfying to go poor sick bastard was doing the best they could you're just a little knucklehead You know, but I ask for a lot of slack as an alcoholic. But, boy, you know, talk about righteous indignation. If you come at me the wrong way, I don't give it out as fast as I want to. But, you Know, you hear a lot about praying for the person you resent. The big book speaks to me praying for myself. There's a story in the back where we pray for the personal resentment. But this prayer right here, I'm praying for me. It says, I mean, I can pray for them if I want, but I've got to say two prayers. Because the prayer that it talks about right here, it says, we ask God to help us show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend. When a person offended, we said to ourselves, this is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done. By sick here, I just mean spiritually ignorant, can't do any better. Is it possible that they were doing the best they could at the time they harmed me? We avoid retaliation or argument. We wouldn't treat sick people that way. If we do, we destroy our chance of being helpful. There it is again. We're still trying to be helpful. We cannot be helpful to all people, but at least God will show us how to take a kindly and tolerant view of each other. Here comes the fourth column. That doesn't leave a lot of room. It says ten minutes, five minutes, you're done. We're about to roll into the fourth column here. I've got a quick story about Roy. This is a guy that I sponsored. He told me it was okay to tell this story. When we talk about the power of these prayers and the fourth step, Roy was carrying around resentment against his father for 40 years for the day that his mother shot herself in the head. The dad came home and said, basically, your mom killed herself today and went on into the house. And he had been mad for 40 years about the way his dad announced that to him. He felt like it should have been something where you sit down and go. And we were doing this work, and we're looking at their piece in it. How is it possible they were spiritually sick? I said, did you ever think that your dad was about 40 years old when that happened? He had three kids. He's now a widower. His wife has just killed herself. He's got to plan a funeral. He's going to notify the family members, and he's gotto figure out how he's going to raise three children without a wife in the house. And it may be on that day he was doing the best he could when he walked by and said, your mom killed herself today. And he goes, never occurred to me for a second. You know, I never considered what was going on with him and that maybe he was doing the best he could with the tools he had under those conditions. And I watched a resentment of 40 years dissolve that day, you know, in our sunroom. So this is powerful stuff. Take it away, Katie. Thank you, darling. I'm done. Yeah, you're done. That was a long five minutes. I know him well. He's very long-winded. I'm Katie. I'm a recovered alcoholic. You know, a couple of things that I think are real, real important is Charlie and I are real big to say meeting-based sobriety, very dangerous. Meeting-based sobiety is very dangerous and doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with AA meetings. However, you hear a lot of things in meetings and after you've heard them several times, you think they're the AA program when in fact they were just in a meeting. Like people say, well, in meetings like cafeteria style, you take what you like and you leave the rest. That is not at all true. As a matter of fact, the book gives us clear-cut direction. If you want to have a psychic change, this spiritual experience, it says we give you clear- Cut direction. That's not take what You like and leave the Rest. And in doing an inventory process, I think it's very, very clear-Cut how we are supposed to do this. i am not fond of the um guides i like to do it straight out of the book and and stick with that i don't like the check marks and all of that stuff so we we do it right away and then we straight out the book once again i want to remind you guys that we are we are teaching the big books so you can teach it this is what the book says it's all about giving it away giving it away giving away not so that you're the better person it's also about giving it away, and it says on page 20, as Charlie saw the self-piece that shocked him, when I picked the book back up, this line paralyzed me. And it's at the top of page 20. And it says, our very lives, comma. So if you're, what does your very life depend on? Well, it depends on air and food and water, right? When we say those are pretty much those three things and we can make it. So it says our very lives as ex-problem drinkers depends on our constant thought of others and how we may help meet their needs. And I remember the first time I saw that, and I thought, oh, shut up. That is so not of my nature. You know what I mean? I mean, that is against everything that I'm going for, because that's just, I'm just a scam artist, if you really want to know the truth. I have a conniver. I left home young. I mean I'm all about getting what I need to get to get through this deal. And so that line right there is on page 20. Well, in order to be able to even get close to that level of a psychic change, I have to clear away the debris. I like to look at it two different ways. You have a river over here and in that river is a ton of logs and debris and it's just a mess. And somebody says, you know, try to swim to the other side. And they're like, man, And that thing is, it's running pretty hard. Those logs are going to knock me out. They're going to whack me in the head. I'm not going to make it. And then you look at your sponsor because obviously you were attracted to your sponsor and you look a her river on the right side and it's beautiful. It's clear periodically. There's a twig going by or something and you're thinking, that's what I want. You go, well, we're going have to clear this out. And it's not going be comfortable. It's actually going to be a little uncomfortable for you. and I swear when I sit in front of my sponsor I can sit in from of my sponsees and do inventories all day long and I am all about the teaching the teaching I sit infront of my sponsors and the blood runs out of my face when she tells me I'm selfish and I'm like did you not hear the story line I just gave you I thought I sold that pretty well I really think Charlie is to blame in this one don't you think we can make an exception to the rule and uh it's shocking i can see selfish and self-centered dishonest frightened in you all day long i write my inventory i go to her i'm not real oh oh i clearly see selfish there no i mean the blood runs out of my face and i love my sponsor she had this head bobbing thing going on and when she's talking to me and i said you know that it's hard enough for me to hear selfish and self-centered and that head bobbing has got to stop okay you are bugging me on every level right now i am trying to just absorb this level of self-centerness i have and so it really it cracks me up but the other part too that i think is important and then i'm just going to whisk through the fourth column and the fifth step because charlie's done plenty of explanation on the fourth step is these terms we make with god in the third step are to stay close to him and perform his work well the only way to stay close to him it says is on well is to do four through nine but the beginning is on page 66 where it says midway down uh the paragraph actually almost to the middle of the page it says we found that it's fatal for when harboring such feelings we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the spirit well the way i like to i'm a real um analogy type person I'm the kid in school who did not do well I needed I needed pictures I didn't don't tell me to read and tell you what I read I need I need the graph and so I look at it as the sunlight of spirits like a flashlight right and you put your hand over that flashlight all of a sudden you're in a dark room you put you in over that flash so you can't see anything but you remove that hand and you can see clearly from the flashlight right so it's what's blocking me So God is in me. I believe that we agnostics says God's in everybody. It's not that we're looking for God, it's we need to unblock. We got to get all of this debris out of the way so I can open up the sunlight of the spirit so I Can live by what my very life depends on because otherwise I can't do it. Can't do It on my own. By my nature, I am selfish and self-centered to the core. That is the root, the tree root of my problem. Driven by the fear, I don't even get to make a decision. Once I'm driven, man, I can't make a decision because I'm behind the axle on that insanity. So in order to clear this debris out, we have to get down to the causes and conditions, right? We've got to believe that the third column is the lie. And if you don't get to the lie, you will not grasp what the purpose of the inventory is. The third column is the self-esteem, the pride, ambition, sex, personal relationships. So in that third column, it's, say, say your, you know, I love Roy's story that his dad was doing the best he could. Absolutely. But that will not work on my boss right because I can hate my boss you know what I'm saying if my boss comes in and says a really cutting remark and somebody goes well maybe he was just having a bad day I'm like yeah right okay you know see I got to get down to the what has he just said to me that I am taking this so personal that I am I am my self-esteem is affected my my pride is affected my ambitions, what am I believing up here? And then I can get to the fact of I want to run the whole show, which is the third column. Selfish, self-centered. If everyone would behave the way I want them to behave, if they could just see it the way I need them to see it, do they not get how scared that makes me and they need to stop that behavior? Because see, if you'll quit scaring me, I'll be fine. Well, that's never going to happen. And so when we go through this process, we begin to really understand that the third column makes the second column a lie because nobody's really at us. Of course, it's a whole, whole lot deeper than that, but I don't want to miss the fifth step because the fifthstep is so, so powerful. So when I'm sitting down with the sponsee, because once again this is all about teaching, yes, as we sit down and we say at the bottom of page 66, we turn back to the list for it held the key to the future That's pretty cool, isn't it? I mean, we all know that we can't get through a room without a key. If that door is locked, we're going to have a heck of a way getting into that next room. So if this is the key to the future, we were prepared to look at it from an entirely different angle. Well, when I'm sitting there with Esponsee, I look at her and I say, are you willing to look at this with an entirely different angle? Because I'm not going to sit here and argue. If you're going to argue, especially if they're brand new sober and they're mad at their mother and father and their sister and their cousin, they're up for a big argument, right? They're holding that shield and you're like, oh, put it down. So I said, are you prepared to look at this from an entirely different angle? Yes, I am. Okay, so we're not going to argue and retaliate throughout this whole inventory process. We began to see that the world as people really dominated us in that state and the wrongdoings of others fancied or real. How many of you guys did your inventory and realized it was all fanciED? didn't even ever really happen you know how many of you guys could sit down with another sibling and talk about how you were raised and it's as if you were in two different families you know what I mean you you sit down you get your both your kids together and go tell me about Christmas last year your experience it's just if they they were at two different Christmases one says there weren't enough gifts under the tree the other had a great time you know what I'm saying I mean it's amazing so it's all a perception and most of the time unfortunately this is a disease of delusion, not denial. Our book never states denial. A lot of people say, well, they're in denial. Well, if you're an alcoholic, you're not in denial, you are in delusion. You absolutely believe the lie, period. Remember the example I gave that they walked out of the office, the businessman at work and all you got was a head nod and you believed what was going on. You couldn't have moved you off the mark. One of your business associates could have said, I don't think they were talking about you. Oh yes, they were. Oh yes they were because I live in a mind of delusion and that is really, really a dangerous spot. So then we go through all this and of course the fourth column on the inventory is midway down page 67. So where had we been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and frightened. Oh, and I had one more point I wanted to make. Two things. This is controversial because I'm always a little bit known for controversy. This, this is controversial. I personally do not believe, this ist my opinion, so if you don't like it, I guess you can leave it, but I, I do not belive you should put yourself on an inventory. I believe if Bill wanted you to be on an inventory he'd have put bill wilson before he put mr brown i believe that the that what you're asking is spiritually incomprehensible because if this is about me being able to lose guilt shame and remorse right which is getting me through the steps take away my difficulties so that victory over them may bear witness to those i would help putting me Are you getting nervous? No, not at all. Putting me on there means I have some sort of power to forgive me when it's not about me forgiving me. Yes, does that come into play? Yes, that is an important thing. But a lot of the argument comes with this line right here on page 66. Sometimes about five lines down, sometimes it was remorse and we were sore at ourselves. But you know what's really shocking to me? You want to see the level of self-centeredness? when somebody puts their self on their inventory guess where they put it first they put it first now this inventory is shocking when you really listen to it right how many people were upset with and how they did the best they could and you know they're trying to put up with us drunks that are just you know ravishing through their lives like a tornado and we put ourselves first I mean that to me is the ultimate self-centered thing me still about me and that's why I think so I'm somewhat kind I think the treatment centers unfortunately brought that about uh but that's all controversial so do do as you think but I'm not a big fan of that so I always tell them you know what let's go ahead and not put you first on there and let's just cross through that and let'S see if the process doesn't get you to that that spot we're trying to get to the other line that I find very very interesting and you may sit with this one too is on page 66 it says it is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness period to the precise extent that we permit these comma well does that maybe give you guys a little bit of hope that you actually have a little power here to open your toolkit and prevent resentment well let's ask yourself to turn to page 84 and look at what it says midway down the sentence. I mean, the paragraph that starts with this thought brings us to step 10. Go midway down and where it starts off with it should continue for a lifetime. It says, continue to watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear when, not if, these crop up. We ask God at once to remove them. We discuss them with somebody. It goes on through the 10th step, right? So I think it's actually given us a little window there that this baby doesn't have to land on a resentment, doesn't Have to Land on a Four-Column Inventory, that we might actually get to the precise extent that we allow these, that when they crop up, we take care of them right then, see? So just not that you never have to do a four-step, but at least you don't have to do every three months. You know what I mean? It's not like your stockpile and resentment. So now we'll move very quickly into the fifth step because the fifth step to me, guys, is a lot of people don't think they're capable of doing a fifth. How many of you guys have never done a fifth step? That would probably be a better way to understand it. Okay. So how many of you guys has done a first step and you didn't feel qualified? Everybody felt pretty qualified? Here in one or give it all? Here in a fifth step. All here in a fifth step. Yeah, yeah. I'm sorry. How many of you guys have never heard a fifth step before? Okay. How Many of You Guys Feel You're Not Qualified to Hear a Fifth Step? Okay. So still, still a fair amount. One of the things is, and this is very interesting. When I first started working with people, I heard this girl in a meeting say, well, it's just a, It's just a dump list. And I thought, oh my gosh. In the book it talks about it being a life or death errand. It is so much more than a dump list. As a matter of fact, if I can't get you to see your part in an inventory, I have not done my job as a sponsor. And that is not only just the selfish and self-centeredness, but I need to get you to the lie. I've got to get you to believe that you're believing a lie about your self-esteem, your pride, your ambitions and all of that. The third column is a very powerful column and so when we're sitting down to listen to this fifth step we have to really really be prepared and the only way I can prepare a sponsee to go through this work is i have to read 60 to 63 i have to break down the third step because this is all about self so i don't just sit down and go okay well let's just ask god into the room okay start with your first one i got to go all the way through the third Step I gotta read that part on page 66 about blocking the sunlight of the spirit i gotta say are you willing to look at this entirely differently and it takes about 45 minutes before we prepare. And almost every time they say, wow, I got so much out of this inventory because they were prepared to do this body of work, that this is all about looking at our part. And so then when we come to the fifth step, we're sitting there and we're going line for line for line for wine. And how many of you guys have ever done this to where you hear God speak clearly through you and you think oh that was good that was clearly from god not from me don't forget too that an inventory requires a resentment inventory a sex inventory and a fears list right a lot of people just do the resentment they never do the sex and then we wonder why we're so screwed up in that area they never write a sane and sound ideal for their sex life and the fears are what Well, for you guys that are in long-term sobriety like Charlie and I are, resentment isn't my biggest problem. I'm driven by fear. I'mdriven by fear all the time. Driven by fear of the daughter. Drivenby fear of my son. Drivenbify fear ofthe economy. Driven, driven, driven... Not enough fear, not enough time in my day. Driven bifear. Driven buy my... All of a sudden, you know, I get a headache. I think it's a tumor. Oh, my God. Drivenbuyfear. So, see, my problem today is fear. It's not so much resentment. And so that fear inventory takes on a whole new meaning. Well, we've got to – so we look at this and when doing the sex inventory, and this is strongly controversial, and once again I'll step out there with my experience only in this. I can't really speak for men's sexual inventory because I, A, never want to hear one and b have never heard one but uh as far as women go i can tell you what we're looking for and i've heard men say this because predominantly a lot of the speakers in aa are men is they're they're saying it has absolutely nothing to do with sex uh i see a little differently and maybe in years to come i'll see this a little different and i'm open for that i believe for women are its patterns we're looking for strongly looking for patterns because there is a level of power that we women have with sex it doesn't mean we have the power but we can make a man go to jail that's pretty powerful uh piece of work there yes are we women all on the same page here so we can we can send you boys to jail if we say no right now you can say no and we can convince you yes just give me a little bit of time am I right so with that what we do with that is we get that all distorted see and so we women use that power and that's what I'm always looking for in a sexual inventory I'm looking for how we will damage others with that power and it's not at all about the act of sex it's about the power and how distorted that is so that's what I'm looking for um the fear inventory now is with the new guy it's they're afraid of everything you know they're thinking they're supposed to put spiders and snakes and heights and all of these things on their fearless we're not we're talking about would you get me the fearless out honey because that's such a good one what we're going to give you guys in this handout is so powerful on the fears because it starts to list these fears and really the truth of the matter is, is the biggest fear that I can tell you for me is I'm going to be alone. Loneliness to a drunk is the most frightful thing in the whole wide world is I am going to by alone. And if I am alone, I am gonna drink and there is no God. That's what it always goes down to who's going to take care of me what about me and but before I get to that I always love this is the fear of abandonment I mean who doesn't you know the people go well I've got a lot of abandonement issues oh well welcome to being a drunk you could be raised in a normal family and have abandonment issues if you're a drunk, you know, it's like you're born with that then you've got acceptance you know fear of uh authorities thank you honey uh fear of feelings fears hurting others insanity lies loneliness losing a child losing a spouse and then um oh I swear he is shocking oh so what we're going to do is we're gonna we're going to keep him off the microphone so what we've got is we've got the fears and so we it says we reviewed our fears once again it's all instructions it's going to tell you exactly what we do on page 68 we review our fears thoroughly we put them on paper even though we had no resentment in connection with them we asked ourselves why we had them i love this line because bob darrell says you know what we need to ask ourselves why are we having because sometimes some of those fears are legitimate if somebody says i'm afraid of getting lung cancer and then they light a cigarette, that's pretty good fear. That's pretty realistic fear. You may very well die from lung cancer if you smoke, right? Now, if I'm afraid of getting cancer and I don't smoke, am I going to let that one run my whole life? Do I really have power over it? Best I can do is take care of my health, right. There are certain things as you call in the hula hoop of what you are realizing. How many of y'all have children? Yeah, deathly afraid of losing your children, right? That always hit the number one deal on my list. I've absolutely no power over my children living or dying. Absolutely no power. Am I going to live every waking moment that way? Well, when I drank, I did. I worried a lot about that. And so these are certain things that in my prayer and meditation, I just put them in my pray and meditation. And I'm telling you, God takes them, just takes them. And so there's a lot of really wonderful things and it goes through it and our fear inventory really asks a lot of questions. I saw it. So it says, you know, it says I listed my fears, I asked myself why I had them but did I not myself set the ball rolling? Where in the world did I step on the toes of my fellows and they retaliated seeming without provocation? Where did I place myself in a position to be hurt? It's always self because once again don't forget But if I'm not the problem, there is no solution. If Charlie's the problem. We got a major problem and he is the problem by the way just in case you're wondering. That's how I start out when I call my sponsor she'll go let's not talk about Charlie. That's going to ruin this whole conversation man. so uh but that see without it's me it's me it is my job to make sure that I'm telling the sponsor it's them them them them them I don't get to go wow they really did screw you over see I don'T GET TO UTTER THOSE WORDS YOU GIVE IT YOU COSIGN THE BS OF AN ALCOHOLIC whoo you'll be digging out of that one for a while so it says um when we turn over to page 75 how am i doing okay good deal when we turned on no so when we return over to page 75 it says at the bottom of the page it says returning home we find a place where we can be quiet for an hour see they don't get to do that in two or three days this is crucial that this be it's like you go to the doctor and you find out you got this terrible infection and he says here's some antibiotics go to The Pharmacy right now and you go get those pills and you take two of them right now right isn't that what they tell you when you're really really sick well you don't wait two days and then go toThe Pharmacy you go immediately because you have just opened this huge Pandora's box this big old wound you know you've opened it up you're actually seeing it differently god's grace has given you a brief moment to see this it says returning home we find an hour man i tell him no cell phone no nothing you find that hour and here's the key it says carefully reviewing what we have done we thank god from the bottom of our hearts we know him better and let me tell you that level of thanking god i take about 15 minutes and i go into some prayer like I got my best buddy sitting there man thank you so much you are my pal we go into this deal together it says taking the book down from the shelf Charlie actually physically does that because he feels he needs to follow every word and so it says carefully reading the first five proposals we've asked if we've omitted anything well you don't it's not if you answer these yes or no you're going to be done in about eight minutes right you have to take a level of time that it's going to blow you your um blow you out of the water what you do is when you turn back to the uh you know to how it works and you look at the steps right page 58 and you say or 59 says we we admitted we were powerless over alcohol that our lives had become unmanageable do i admit that i have this physical allergy that i Have This Mental Obsession That's Driven By This Malady That Our Lives Have Become Unmanageble Do I Turn To Page 52 Do I Look At Those Bedevlements Do I read each one of those bedevilments and understand what this malady is that we're talking about i mean you're sitting on these steps for some time really absorbing what you've what you got here came to believe do i really believe that there is a power out there that can restore me to sanity you know you sit with the second step which is we agnostics right you go back through we agnostic i mean you are really really dissecting this you have one full hour that you're taking with him if you have trouble sitting five minutes in meditation this hour could be really painful right and says then we made a decision to turn our will and our lives over the care of god as we understood him that third step am i willing to bring in everything to that thirdstep that i can am i going to bring it uh... democrats and republicans gays non-gays abortions not abortions uh... a big book thumpers non-big book thumper's middle of the road am i will end up bringing In everything I have controversy over, sexism, you know, you could just go on and on and on. The way that I am so self-centered in relationships, the way that all I can think about is myself. Am I willing to bring all of this into my six and seven, right? That's what I'm getting ready for. I am getting ready to pull this dump truck up and just unload the back end of it because man, I am dumping all of these things. It's like leaving it at the altar, giving it to God to where I can step away from this stuff. Then you go into four. Or have I really been completely honest, withholding nothing? Have I done everything I'm supposed to do? Then the fifth step was what we're doing right now. Then it continues to go on and then it comes back down and it says, and the fifth steps promises, and this is what I'll end on because Charlie says he needs three minutes. He's not available. Oh, good. No, he shouldn't have three minutes, so it says what we've got is it says on page 75, five here's our promises you know people always say the ninth step promises there's promises at every step it says we pocketed our pride and go to it illuminating every twist of character every dark cranny of the past once we have taken this step withholding nothing that's when you look at the sponsor you know you go okay now here's here's the big question tell me your deepest darkest secret that you swore you'd take to your grave see if you've never told anybody that that is it's eating your lunch it's really keeping you blocked from the spirit because you've got to share that deepest darkest secret I always kind of do this number come on bring it and I'll bring you mine if you'll bring me yours right it says now we are delighted what ends up happening on the we are delighted guys is this is at the end of the fifth step most people stop right there that's where you'll find most people fall off this program is they stop at the fifth step. They do a lame hour and they never do 8 through 12, ever. And why not? We're delighted. What are we always looking for? We're looking for the high. We are delighted. So I always warn them. I'm going to stay on you on this one. We can look the world in the eye. That's pretty doggone good. We can be alone at perfect peace and ease. That's what we're looking forward to. Our fears fall from us. We begin to feel the nearness of our creator. We have had a certain spiritual beliefs but we are now beginning to have a spiritual experience. The feeling of the drink problem has disappeared, often comes strongly. We feel we're on the broad highway walking hand in hand with the spirit of the universe. This is the miracle of doing that fifth step. But you must keep them in action and more action, and we'll go into six and seven. Thank you. That's great. Do I still have? Oh, yes. Not too late until we take 40 minutes from there. Oh, that was great. I want to hit on a couple of points that she touched on, but when I do an inventory with a guy, I don't have him do the fourth column. Or whatever you want to call that body of work on page 67. You can call it an expanded third column. I call it the fourth volume. I've heard people say there's no fourth column in the inventory. To me it says right there, when we saw our faults, we listed them. We placed them before us in black and white. We admitted our wrongs. But I like to do the fourth column with the guy because I like to be able to point out where he was selfish, where you were inconsiderate, where you Were dishonest, where You were self-seeking, where Were you frightened, where Were You inconsiderant. Because when He sees that over and over and over and in this resentment, by the time I did my seventh resentment with Myers, I was like, I'll do the forth column on that. I'm selfish and dishonest. And I started seeing I'll start having real stuff to take to six and seven not just God make me a better dude I'm saying help me be less selfish, help me being more honest help me more considerate so that's some of the stuff but there's an interesting another thing you hear people say a lot about the fourth step is they say in this fourth column I'm looking for my part right have you heard that I'm Looking For My Part well listen to what it says here disregarding the other person entirely we tried to it says putting out of our minds the wrongs others had done. Putting out of Our Minds the Wrongs Others Had Done. We look for our own mistakes. If I've got a part and you've got apart whose part do you think is going to be bigger? You know I mean I'm looking at me in this fourth column. It says putting this person out of my mind entirely they don't have a part anymore in the fourth column we're looking at my part i love to point that out to people and and the other thing in fear the fear inventory like katie said is a two-part inventory it's not a bunch of stuff it's the instructions are very simple it says well there's three we listed our fears we asked ourselves why we had them. And then it gives us the answer. And I remember when we were talking about manifestations of self, well, look at why it says we have fear. It says, wasn't it because self-reliance failed us? It's that thing that Katie was talking about with the hula hoop or the, I talk about this little sphere of my control and things that are outside of that sphere of My Control are what scares me. Am I going to get cancer? Is Katie going to leave me is my daughter going to be in trouble the rest of her life is business going to be okay are things going to work out am I going to be okay all that stuff is outside of my area of control and if I'm in a life based on self-reliance self can't handle that and that's why it scares me does that make sense so that's why it takes me to God reliance this whole thing is moving me back to god reliance so that's that's the piece i like to put in there and then in this in the sex inventory i don't have time to talk about it it is so hard to cover all this in an hour and 15 minutes katie did a much better job than i did but i do like to point out that we're trying to shape a sane and sound ideal for the future in in the six inventory and that's a very important piece of the work i carried that around with me for a long time and maybe we'll get to touch on that before we roll into eight I think we can do it all right six or seven people all right well then and that thank you very much