The Fourth Column of the Resentment Inventory – Workshop – Part 3 of 5 – Mark H.

It goes on to say, Politicians and reformers who sure all would be utopia if the rest of the world would only behave. The outlaw safecracker thinks society's wronged him and the alcoholic who's lost all and locked up. Whatever my protestations, am I not concerned with myself, my resentments or my self-pity? Now the next paragraph is going to tell me what's wrong with me. We're not talking about me and alcohol anymore. Selfishness, self-centeredness, that we think is the root of Mark's troubles. I like visualizations and I begin to see how deep my disease goes. You know those huge trees in California that grow to 500 or 1,000 feet? Imagine how deep the root system goes. Hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of feet. and at the very root of my existence is a core belief system, I am brutally selfish and self-centered. Which is why I try and run the show all the time and why I'm in conflict with the world and why i have no power at that point in time. So I got to get rid of that for power to flow into me so that I can be empowered and start to do things with my life. goes on to say driven by a hundred forms of fear self-delusion, self-seeking, self pity I step on the toes of my fellows and they retaliate once again a visualization here's what happens in the morning the stretch limo pulls up in front of my house I go out and get in the limo driver turns around and says hi Mark, my name is Fear and I'm going to drive your asshole day to day and he does or the next day I get in and the driver turns his head around says hi Mark I'm self delusion and I'm going to drive you everywhere today and the next days he's self pity and the nest day he's self seeking and on my own that's what drives me and forces me into taking action goes on to say that these people retaliate because I step on their toes right sometimes these people hurt me seemingly without provocation but I will invariably find that sometime in the past I've made decisions based on self which later placed me in a position to be hurt I believe in testing this book and I've tested this many times anytime I write a resentment inventory about someone I'm angry at and I got hurt I can get to the fourth column and see where I made a selfish self-seeking decision that placed me in a position to be hurt. I mean, here's what always happens with the alcoholic, right? When we get into this he-she stuff. He left me and she left me. We come whining to meetings, first of all. And the truth is, she left us. She left me, I feel terrible. Right? And what's always interesting is by the time we get to the fourth column, it becomes very apparent we drove her away with a Mack truck. You see what I'm saying? At some point in time, every single time I've ever been hurt, I get a chance to see where I made decisions based on self which placed me in a position to be hurt. But I don't want to look at that. I want to blame you. Next paragraph. You might make a note in your book. This is the paragraph that describes what I call my fourth column of the Resentment Inventory. The next sentence says, So Mark's troubles, we think, are basically of Mark's own making. Now that sentence is also a great statement of hope because my experience of going through this work and developing a relationship with God and gaining power in my life and being able to take that power out in every area of my life is I've stopped making trouble for myself. I actually can make healthy, good decisions today. I can be of service to God and others. All of us sitting in this room know examples of people who came in this program who wound up getting GEDs, going to college, went on to be teachers and professors. The list goes on and on with people who come into Alcoholics Anonymous and accomplish miraculous things. Why? Because of that relationship with God and because we get empowered by God. This program gives me power and gives me tools to take out into the world. you do not find me sitting around rooms of AA saying I'm powerless over alcohol my life's unmanageable because that isn't my experience today today I have power and my life is manageable if I remember who the source is so let's go on Mark's troubles arise out of Mark and Mark's an extreme example of self overrun riot though Mark doesn't think so remember I suffer from self delusion look at the next sentence above everything I must be rid of this selfishness Don said to me because he knows I have a hard time understanding this book Mark, what do the words above everything mean to you? and I said they mean above everything Don and it goes on to say Mark must meaning I must get rid of this selfishnes or it kills Mark it kills me you know why it kills me because of if this selfishness self-centeredness does not leave me I'm blocked from the sunlight of the spirit and if I'm blocked from the sunlight of the spirit the obsession to drink will come back and I'll pick up a drink and I'm going to die an alcoholic death that's why our name is not in the next sentence next sentence says God makes that possible goes on to say, and there often seems no way for Mark to entirely get rid of self without God's aid. As I read this, I begin to get another visualization. I'm chained to Mark and it's going to kill me. And there's nothing I can do about it. It goes on to say Mark has moral and philosophical convictions galore, but Mark can't live up to them even though Mark would like to. Neither could Mark reduce his self-centeredness much by wishing or trying in his own power, Mark had to have God's help. Now, in that handout I gave you, in there I made a photocopy of what I call the third step decision. We've gone through the book and we've looked at some information and we're going to look at and we ask ourselves the question, Mark, are you convinced that your life run and your will won't work? This paragraph is the third-step decision. Some of you have been around AA. Have you ever wondered why the promises come before the third step prayer? There's a whole bunch of promises after we make this decision, and then we do the prayer. It's because the promises are designed to come after the decision. The prayer is only an affirmation of the decision, so here's my third step decision. We've been told above everything, I've got to get rid of this selfishness or I'm going to die. and that I need God's help, it says this is the how, meaning how I'm going to get His help, and this is why, meaning why I need His help. First of all, Mark had to quit playing God. That's how I am going to get His health. And the reason why I am not going to quit playing God is summed up in the next sentence, it didn't work. I got the power to be Mark. God's got thepower to be God. So the next thing is, Mark decided that hereafter in this drama life, God is going to be Mark's director. Now on this handout, it says on the top of it, third step decision, big book page 62. Here's the definition of director. It is a person who directs or controls, supervises or manages. So the God of my understanding, my personal concept in the second step, that God is now going to supervise and manage and control my life. The books already told me I'm supposed to be an actor. Definition of an actor is a player on the stage, one who acts, a doer. So that's the first part of the decision. The second is God's going to be the principal. I'm going tobe his agent. Definition of principle is, first in rank, authority, or importance, it is a person who employs another to act as his agent. So I'm going to allow God, of my understanding, to be my principle. Now look at the definition of agent. It says, a person empowered to act for another. You and I get empowered by the creator of the universe. We are God's agents. We can do anything. We can have healthy relationships, careers we love, good physical health. We can be at peace. We can accomplish anything. We are an agent of God, the Creator of the universe. I love it. There's a convention I went to last year. I'm not going this year. You know why? They canceled one of the workshops. You know which one they canceled? The one on power. This whole program is about power. The power of God to operate in my life. Next definition. The book goes on to say, God's going to be the Father. We are His children. Definition of Father. To originate, found, create, invent, make. To take their responsibility for. This God that I developed a concept is going to take the responsibility of me. The definition of children, it's the plural child. Child, a son or descendant. A son or daughter, a descendant。 God has no grandchildren. We are all descendants of the spirit of the universe. We were created. We are descendants of The Creator. Now look at my third step decision now. God's going to be director, I'm the actor. God's the principal, I am the agent. God's a father, I' m the child. As Don and I went through this, I began to feel the presence of God in such a powerful way. And based on how I'd been living life, I kind of thought this was a neat deal to go for. Now, it goes on to say most good ideas are simple, and this concept was the keystone of the new and triumphant arch through which I pass to freedom. Now, first step's my foundation, second step's the cornerstone, third step is the key stone. Definition of key stone is the central wedge-shaped stone of an arch that will lock all the parts together. My third step locks all the rest of the steps together. now top of page 63 a whole bunch of promises none of which we seldom talk about in AA these promises show up in our life after doing the work making this decision here's what they are the manifestation of these promises in our lives are also why people quit doing the work and don't continue through because they're powerful let's look at them When I sincerely took such a position, and I define position for you, the usual or proper place, a person's mental attitude toward or opinion on a subject. So when I sincerely take a position all sorts of remarkable things follow. I have a new employer. Now look at the next sentence. Being all powerful, God will provide what I need if I keep close to him which is to be his child. and perform his work well, which is to be his actor and agent. Established on this footing, now look what happens. I become less and less interested in myself, my little plans and designs. More and more I become interested in seeing what I can contribute to life as I felt new power flow into me, new power gaining access flowing into me as I enjoyed peace of mind as I discovered I could face life successfully as I become conscious of God's presence I begin to lose my fear of today, tomorrow, the hereafter I'm reborn I'll have you think about something then I'm going to talk a minute about this prayer in the last minute or two stop and think I doubt if any of you in here have experienced any fear whatsoever. The reason is, is because you're living in the presence of God. And in the absence of God, fear doesn't exist. Maybe this program gives me tools to live in the existence of God almost all the time and to gain access to that power all the same. All the time. And to take it out into the world. Now it says we're at step three. many of us said to our makers we understand him and here's the prayer God I offer myself to thee to build with me and do with me as thou wilt now this prayer has got three ideas to it I was asked what does that mean I said I think it means he gets the whole shooting match he can do anything he wants with me and he has the book is going to give us a little warning before we do this prayer. It says, Mark, think carefully. Make sure you're ready. You know why? Because when you make this prayer and do this pray, and you mean it, your life will never be the same. I didn't plan on showing up in Kerrville, Texas when I got sober and when I did this prayer I didn' t plan on leaving everybody who I'd ever known in my support system. I didn''t plan on working in the field that I'm working in. I didn't plan on having all the people in my life that are in my life right now. I didn' t plan on being as involved carrying this message. This is what this prayer means. God, I offer myself to thee to build with me and do with me as thou wilt. Second idea in the prayer, relieve me of the bondage of self that I may better do thy will. We read on page 62, Mark's chained to Mark and the sad news is, he can't do anything about it and he's going to die if he doesn't get rid of it. So I'm asking God, God remove me from the bondage of self so that I can better do thy will. Sober, long ways away from a drink, if I'm in the self, I can't do God's will. So I have to ask God to remove me from the boundage of itself. Here's the third idea in the prayer. Take away my difficulties We could all in this room right now make a long list of difficulties. I'll submit something to you. You submit yourself to this process, and I will absolutely guarantee within a period of time, might be a month, might be an hour, might be even a year, He will remove every one of them. So here's the idea. God, take away my difficulties. Now, I'm going to be told the reason why He'll do that. so that victory over those difficulties may bear witness to those I would help of Your power, Your love, Your way of life. May I do Thy will always. There's an obligation if He takes away all of our difficulties, isn't there? That I go out and bear witness to those who are my friends to those whom I would hope of what happens when I turn my will and life over to God as I understand God. I've seen this happen in AA and it happened to me. I walked away from this fellowship for six months. You know all those difficulties you took away that I was bearing witness to others? They came back ten times over. I clicked in one day, really, really what this prayer is saying to me and what my part in this is. Take away my difficulties so that victory over those difficulties may bear witness to those I would help of Your power, Your love, your way of life, may I do thy will always. And now we're told something. Mark think well before taking this step making sure you're ready. I'm going to read the next paragraph and then we're going to take a break and then those who want to when we come back in I'd like to hook up hands and I'd like to say this prayer together. It goes on to say think well before taking the step Mark and making sure you're ready, that you could last abandoning yourself utterly to God. Now I get the instructions for doing the prayer. We found it desirable to take this spiritual step with an understanding person, such as a wife, best friend, or spiritual advisor, but it's better to meet God alone than with someone who might misunderstand. The wording was of course quite optional so long as we expressed the idea. You and I went over the idea, there's three components to it. God I give myself to you. You get me all, buddy. Do anything you want with me. Build with me." That's the first idea. The second idea is God, remove from me the bondage of self. The third idea is, God, take away my difficulties and if that happens, I'll go bear witness to everyone else of your power, your love, and your way of life. If you're not ready to do those things, don't do this prayer. Don was real clear with me if you're not ready to accept these three ideas do not do this prayer once again, step one faced with a self-imposed crisis lack of power and I'm going to die or even worse I may live for a long period of time feeling the way I'm feeling living the way that I'm living I was willing to go for this deal now I didn't know what it meant I'm a little further down the road today so I tell people before you do this pray Take a look at what the idea is. Then it says I need to voice it without reservation, meaning I need to say it out loud. It goes on to say that this is only a beginning, though if honestly and humbly made in effect, sometimes a very great one was felt at once. So I'm going to stop there and we're going to take a break and then we'll come back in. my name is mark and i'm an alcoholic i want you to know something and that is that there is no amen behind the third step prayer the amen is behind the seventh step prayer it was explained to me that they are a process the other thing is it became clear to me that the third step was not turning my will and life over, that it was only a decision. And I said to my sponsor, how do I turn my will and life over? And he gave me that wonderful sponsor response. Can you count? Yes, I can count. Can you count from four to nine? Yes. Count from four to nine for me. Four, five, six, seven, eight, and nine. He said, the way you turn your will and life over to God is you do steps four, five, six, seven, eight, and nine The book has told us where we're going to find the power, deep down within, and it's told us how, search fearlessly. And it is in 4 through 9, and particularly in our inventory, that we begin to search fearously. So let's go back to the book and look at the instructions, page 63. Next, I launched out on a course of vigorous action, the first step of which is a personal housecleaning, which I had never attempted. Though my decision, the one we just made, third step decision, was a vital and crucial step, that decision could have little permanent effect unless at once followed by a strenuous effort to face and to be rid of the things in myself which had been blocking me. Our liquor was but a symptom, so we had to get down to causes and conditions. That's a powerful paragraph. It tells me my third-step decision, although it's vital and crucial, will not give me permanent effect unless at once followed by an effort to face and be rid of, search fearlessly, the things that have me blocked from this power. If I'm blocked from the power, I'm going to pick up a drink again. And in every area of my life, wind up getting into conflict. Because of the root of my problem, I am selfish and self-centered. So it says, therefore we start upon a personal inventory, and this was step four. And I said this yesterday, but I want to repeat this. I asked for a show of hands of how many people had used different inventories. You can use whatever you want, but I told you there's one simple question when someone wants to give you an inventory other than the one in this book, and here's the question to ask them. If I do your inventory, are there seven promises that I will be guaranteed that will happen to me and have happened to millions of other people? Of course, their answer to that is going to have to be no. Well, my experience and the experience of millions of people who are sober and Alcoholics Anonymous today is if we do the three inventories as outlined in this book, those seven promises can show up in my life. That's why I don't use other inventory forms. If there were a set of promises behind the Hazelden set of inventory, I'd probably do them. I'm a real alcoholic. I'll go for the whole deal. But I've never seen a set or promises behind any inventory forms other than the ones in the big book. So, therefore, I start upon a personal inventory. This is step four. Next sentence is the one that the group of men and women who have sponsored me and been my mentors and spiritual guides, this is the one that tells them to do a regular inventory step four. My experience is I cannot do a regularly inventory until I once again consider steps one, two, and three because when I consider steps one two and three something happens to me that when it comes time to write inventory I have the capacity to be honest. Next sentence says a business which takes no regular inventory usually goes broke. Taking a commercial inventory is a fact-finding and a fact facing process. It is an effort to discover the truth about the stock and trade. One object is to disclose damaged or unsalable goods to get rid of them promptly without regret. If the owner of the business is to be successful, he cannot fool himself about values. Well, we did exactly the same thing with our lives. We took stock honestly. First, we searched out the flaws in our makeup which caused our failure. Being convinced that self manifested in various ways as what had defeated us, we considered its common manifestations. Now, we've read earlier, the root of our problem is we're selfish and self-centered. Now the book In the Process of Inventories is going to show us three ways in which our selfishness and self-centeredness shows up. And the first way is resentment. It says, resentment is the number one offender. Resentment destroys more alcoholics than anything else. Now that's a very powerful sentence. I thought I was going to die because I drank too much vodka. The book says I'm going to died because I resent people. You know why? Because when I resent People, I'm blocked from the sunlight of the Spirit, and if I'm blocked from The Sunlight, I'll drink alcohol again. It goes on to say, From resentment stems all form of spiritual disease, for I've been not only mentally and physically ill, I've Been Spiritually Sick. We've looked at the fact that we have a craving of the body, obsession of the mind. Now the book where he confirms that I've been spiritually sick. And now look at the next sentence. When the spirituality is overcome, we straighten out mentally and physically. If the spirituality is not overcome, I will not straighten out mentally and physical and I will be drunk again. And I have no power on my own to treat the spirituality. Now I'm going to get my instructions for how to write a four-column resentment inventory. The book says, in dealing with resentments, I set them on paper. And now we're going to find, we're going to do the columns and we're going to go through the columns down and one at a time. And so now I get the instructions for the first column and here's what it says. I listed people, institutions and principles with whom we were angry. So I do this. I take a piece of paper and I write the word people institutions and principles There are three words that I use a lot when it comes time to write an inventory and I'll share them with you Pray, pray, pray So I say a prayer God show me all the people I start with one column at a time. This is column one. God, show me all the people that I'm resentful at. And so I start today and I work back through my life. And he shows me some. All right? So let's write a few. Do you want to, Shirley, do you want it from your last inventory, which you recently did? Just give me a few names. Yourself, you were on there. Him, Dallas. Dallas? Who else? My boss. Okay. So what I do, I say a prayer and I write all the people. I've just finished and I'm almost done with my fear inventory because I've got to do... I'm going to do three fifth steps this time. The book says I do a fifth step with person or persons. I don't know about some of you who have been sober for a while but the longer I'm sober I have a more difficult time seeing truth. So I like to do a fifth step with more than one person because I see a lot more truth. So when I go to California, I'm going to do the fifth step there. I'm gonna do a first step with a man in Kerrville and I'ma do a 5th step in Louisiana with a woman that's 19 years sober. Because when I do it with more then one person, I see alot of truth. When I made my list, I had 21 people that I was angry at, that I had a resentment at. I also tell people something else. When you do inventory, do not judge your work. If you say a prayer and three names come or 130, write them down. Don't judge your work. We're not writing the thesis here. We are not trying to get a Ph.D. in something. I say a prior and I write a list of all the people. Now I come to the second instruction, which is make a list of all the institutions you're angry at. Some of the ones, for example, on my Internal Revenue Service, they're just a given that I write at. I invited them into my life and I've gotten very intimate with them. Most intimate relationship I have, as a matter of fact. I wrote treatment centers. What are some other institutions some of you can think of. Jails. Churches. Marriage is an institution. There may be one or two of you in here who have some resentment against that. Divorce is an instituion. Churches are institutions. You can go on and on and on. I make a list of all the institutions. Some of you probably could put TDC. That could be on there. So I make a list, but I don't have a list of all these institutions that I was ever resentful at. Now I come to the third area, principles. Does everyone understand what a principle is? A principle is primarily a value system that you live your life by. Now the first time I wrote principles, I didn't have very many principles because I didn' t have very many principles. I'll give you an example of some principles. Honesty is a principle. I was resentful at this principle. Here's why. Many times, if I'm honest, it's not going to work out the way I think it's supposed to work out. Normally, if I write one value, like honesty, I also have to write its opposite. If I'm resentful at the concept of honesty, I'm also resentful when I'm dishonest. Why? Because I know the difference between right and wrong. When I'm dishonest, my gut turns, and I don't like that. What are some other principles you could put up here? How about success and failure? What are some other principles? How about this? Big boys don't cry. How about this for women? Women's places in the home. Those are all principles that we've accumulated over the years and that we live with in our life. So I ask God to show me all the principles that I'm resentful at. Okay? And I make a list of those. Now, when I'm done with that, I can't stress this enough. We're going to do a four-column inventory, and you always write down, we will finish all of column one. Then we will move to column two. We will finish off column two, then we'll move to column three, finish all at column three. Then the book has a page and a half of instructions before we write the fourth column. Let me explain why we do it that way. Number one, the book tells us to. It puts a period behind each column. Number two, what I found out is if I try and write across the page I'm resentful at Dallas and here's all the reasons why and here how it affects me and here where I'm at fault. My mind can't shift enough. So I've learned if I follow the instructions of the book and write my columns down, my inventory is much more thorough, much more fearless and much more honest. So when I'm done with the first column I now have a list of people, institutions, and principles. All right? Now what we're going to do is I take a sheet of paper and I make room for four columns because I'm going to write a four-column inventory. You're goingto get tired of making lists when you do inventory. So here's my four columns. Column 1, column 2, column 3, column 4. now that I've finished column one the big book says I asked myself why I was angry so here's what I do Shirley for example put Dallas so if we put Dallas up here now what she does is through prayer says God show me all the reasons that I'm angry at this person and now we come up with some what are some because he wouldn't forgive me or some other because he was gone all the time what else he didn't understand alcoholism like he's supposed to right it's his responsibility to understand my disease why else Because he was my father instead of my husband. Okay, father instead of a husband. Instead of a husband. And there's probably a bunch more reasons. So what I do, let's say that I have a list and I've got 100 resentments against people and maybe I've Got 20 against institutions and maybe i've Got 14 principles. I'm going to go through and write the second column on these 100 people, these 20 institutions, and these 14 principles before I move on to the third column. All right? So now let's assume I'm done with that. Let's look at the instructions for the third column. And in your handout, I gave you a sheet of paper which gives you definitions of the third column, and I found it's much easier to write inventory when I have definitions. So here's the instructions in the third volume. Here's what it says. In most cases, it was found that our self-esteem, our pocketbooks, our ambitions, our personal relationships, including sex, were hurt or threatened, so we were sore and we were burned up. Now, the book just gave us five areas in which these resentments affect me, and it uses a couple of key words that I always write above the third column. It says hurt or threaten. Now, it's not quite down to the third column. It says on our grudge list we said opposite each name are injuries. Now, they repeat some things, but they add some things. It says was my self-esteem. Well, that's repeated. Was my security. Oh, that is a new one. My ambition. My personal sex relations which had been interfered with. Now I see a third word. interfered. So now on my third column, so we've got six, but there's one more. If you look at this inventory on the third column where it says affects my toward the bottom of the page, you'll see the word pride. So now we have seven areas in which resentments affect me. So here's what I do. When I'm writing my third column, I write the word hurt, threatened and interfered And here's what I do with each resentment. I'm resentful of Dallas. When I resented Dallas because he wouldn't forgive me, did that hurt, threaten, or interfere with how I feel about me and my self-esteem? And I write the word self-esteem. When I resisted Dallas for not forgiving me, did it hurt, threat, or interfer with my pride and how others see me? I write that word pride. When I resented Dallas for not forgiving me, did it hurt, threaten, or interfere with my ambitions what I want? Of course it did. When I was mad at Dallas for no reason, did it not forgive me? Did it hurt threaten or interfere with my security which is what I need? Yes. When Iwas mad atDallas for notforgivingme, did ithreat threaten orinterferewithmypocketbook? Yes. you see how this works across when I was angry at Dallas for not forgiving me did it hurt, threaten or interfere with my personal relations that's relations with the same sex yeah probably did when I resented Dallas for not forgivingme did it hit with my sexual relationships so look at this. Off of one little resentment, because Dallas wouldn't forgive her, seven areas of her life are impacted. Now I want you to understand why we're blocked from God. Imagine multiplying this by 150 people. This is only one resentment. She has four more. On one of my individuals this time, I had 14 resentments. Before I was done, I have almost 130 areas of my life that were affected by 14 resentments. You see how blocked we get from God? You know why? Every single time she sees Dallas, you know what goes through her head? I'm mad at Dallas because he wouldn't forgive me and all this is affected. Do you think there's a possibility that might interfere with their personal relationship just a little? Yeah, I think so. So this is what I do with all my resentments And now what I do, again, we're going to write down. Now, does this take time? You bet it takes time. Because with every resentment, her next one, for example, is her boss. And let's say she has her boss here and nine reasons she resents him. Here's what I have to do. I resent my boss because he doesn't appreciate me. Does that hurt, threaten, or interfere with self-esteem? Yes. Does this take times? Yes. Am I willing to be thorough and fearless and go to any length? Yes. Alright, so that's how I write my third column. Now here's what's interesting. Here's what this program does. As I look at the third column, this looks like it's the truth, doesn't it? I'm resentful of Dallas because he won't forgive me and it affects all seven areas of my life. Now we're going to read the page and a half of instructions before we write the fourth column and here's what's going to happen. Here's the shift. We're going to find out that this is a lie as a result of writing the fourth column. Now, the sad news is if I never wrote the fourth volume I'd spend my whole life living the victim role. Living the victim roll. Do you know what? I'll bet there's actually people in this room that are waiting for someone who's dead buried in a grave to get up out of that grave and come and make amends so you can get free of your resentment. And you know what? It ain't going to happen. You remember the line in the book Troubles of Our Own Making? Let me tell you why I told you that was a great statement at home because when we look at our fourth column, I can look at some things, Shirley can look at some thing and Dallas doesn't have to change a bit for her to get free of this resentment. That's the freedom of this program. Nobody in my life, no institution, no principle has to change in order for me to get free of the resentment. So now let's look at the instructions for column four. It says, I went back through my life. Nothing counted but being thorough and honest. When I was finished, meaning with these first three columns, I considered it carefully. So I'm looking at these first two columns with all this column one who I'm mad at, column two, the cause, column three, what's affected. And as a result of looking at it, here's what it's going to say to me. The first thing apparent was that this world and its people were often quite wrong. And I'll use Dallas' name because putting a name in here makes this real. So the first thing apparently is that Dallas is often quite wrong. To conclude that others were wrong, Dallas was as far as I ever got. The usual outcome is that Dallas continued to wrong me and I stayed mad. Sometimes it's remorse and then I'm mad at myself, but the more I fought and tried to have my own way, the worse matters got. As in war, the victor only seemed to win. My moments of triumph were short-lived. Meaning, I suspect, I don't know this, I suspect Shirley spent a whole bunch of time trying to convince Dallas to forgive her. and he may have said to her I forgive you she seemed to win for a while a week or two next paragraph is important it is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness resentment takes us to futile and unhappiness you know why it's futile because we don't have the power to change how Dallas thinks, feels or acts that's why and if my happiness is tied on his behavior, I'm in trouble. I'm in trouble so what happens? I've got to get free of this resentment whether Dallas changes or not so a shift has to take place for me now the next sentence says to the precise extent that I permit these meaning these resentments I want you to circle the word permit didn't we just read resentments kill more alcohol and anything else, right? We read that, didn't we? The book is now telling me I get a choice whether I permit myself to be experiencing resentment or not. If my experiences, resentments are going to block me from God and take me back to booze and if I'm given a choice to have them or not have them I think I'll do this little exercise to get rid of them. That word permit is important. I sit in the meetings of AA and I hear this I don't know how to get rid of resentments. Buy a big book. It gives you some pretty good instructions in there. Because if you don't, you're going to be dead. All right? And it goes on to say, To the precise extent that I permit these, do I squander the hours that might have been worthwhile. But with the alcoholic whose hope is the maintenance and growth of his spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found it's fatal. Now it's going to tell us why resentments are fatal to us. For when harboring such feelings, meaning resentment, I shut myself off from the sunlight of the Spirit. The insanity alcohol returns, meaning the obsession, and I drink again. And with us, to drink is to die. Now I'm shown why I'm going to die if I don't get rid of resentments. If we were to live, we had to be free of anger. The grouch and the brainstormer are not for us. They may be the dubious luxury of normal men, but for alcoholics these things are poison. Now, I'm going to turn back to the list. Remember, we've got a three-column inventory we're looking at. I'm gonna go back to this list, for the list holds the key to the future. Now, i have a second edition big book. And from the second edition to the third edition, in this next sentence, they change the word. Now I've written New York they haven't responded yet but I think they will I hope they will because this word is very important. My third edition says we were prepared to look at it meaning this list The Key to My Future from a different angle. You know what it says in the second edition? We were prepared to look for it. We're talking about The Key of My Future it's important. When I see the word at it I see myself looking at this from a distance. When I see the word, I'm going to look for it, I see myself in there stirring things up. There's a difference between those words. So anyhow, we're going to Look for the Key to the Future. It says, We begin to see the world and its people dominated us, meaning thinking the way we think. In that state, That thought process. Okay, go ahead. Go ahead. All right. The wrongdoing of others, fancy or real? Fancy means I made it up. How many times has that happened? J.D. and I have kitted about this. There's a person out here that we work with and J.B. for a period of time until he did this work. Every time this person walked by and J.-D. knew, knew, this person was saying, this guy doesn't deserve to be here. Fancy. There was absolutely no reality in that. I understand that thought process. How many times has that happened? We've been somewhere, someone looks at you kind of a certain way, and our keen alcoholic mind tells us all kinds of interesting things they have just said about us. It's called a fancied resentment. It doesn't exist except in our mind. It says, In that state the wrongdoing of others fancy real has the power to kill me. How can I escape? I saw these resentments must be mastered, but how? I can't wish him any more than alcohol. This was my course. Now I have instructions for how to get free of resentments. First instruction, I realize the people who wronged me were perhaps, highlight the word perhaps, were perhaps spiritually sick. So the book is asking Shirley to look at the idea that Dallas is perhaps spiritually sick. Though we don't like their symptoms, column 2, and the way those disturbed me, column 3, they, like me, were sick too. So we ask God to help us show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience we would cheerfully grant a sick friend. When a person offended, I said to myself, this is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done. We avoid retaliation our argument, we wouldn't treat sick people that way. If we do, we destroy our chance of being helpful. We cannot be helpful to all people, but at least God will show us how to take a kind and tolerant view of each and every one. Here's what I've learned, what this is trying to tell me. If zero means that I am spiritually bankrupt and 100 means that i'm evolving, every human being that I ever met is somewhere between zero and a hundred. The closer I am to zero, the more spiritually sick I am. Spiritually sick people do spiritually sick things just like us. Not one time did Dallas ever wake up and say, this morning, I've decided that I won't forgive Shirley, and that's going to impact my relationship with her. Spiritially sick people do not have capacity to forgive others. You understand what I'm saying? Not one human being in your life that you've ever had a resentment at, ever got up in the morning and said, I think today I'm going to make Mark's life miserable. And no employer ever said,I think today, I'm gonna make Marks life miserable." People, institutions are spiritually sick, we get a choice in this program. If I choose to interact with someone that's close on this spiritual journey to zero, you're going to get some real spiritually sick behavior. Choose whether or not you want to be in it. I mean, I love this all the time. Alcoholics actually expect healthy behavior on a consistent basis from other alcoholics. we're spiritually sick people I've never known an alcoholic who really had what I'll call a bad nature every alcoholic I've ever known does the same thing I do, every mistake I've every made and everyone I've even harmed I did not do that because I'm a bad person, I did that because I'm spiritually sick and everyone who harmed me is spiritually sick example, a father who beat me severely. A man who I hated when I got to this place in the inventory. Tom looked at me and said, Mark, your father never one time woke up in the morning and said I think what I'm going to do is beat this son. Your father loved you tremendously. He was spiritually sick, Mark. Spiritually sick parents treat children like that. That doesn't mean he didn't love you. And if you don't get... See, you've got to understand something. When I wrote that inventory I was six, seven, eight, nine years old when all those beatings took place. We're not talking a little hand here. We're talking a whip being hanged down from a rope in the skin off my back. Here I am 39 years old still resenting something happened when I'm six years old. Now, was I at fault when I was 6? Of course not. You know where I'm at fault? Being 39, carrying that resentment and it's going to kill me. This gave me freedom. I began to understand something. My father did love me. He was spiritually sick. Guess what? He's an alcoholic. He died of alcoholism in 1986. My father never intended to do that, never intended to do the things he did to my three brothers. He was spiritually sick. Now, I get the instructions for my fourth column. Referring to my list again, putting out of my mind the wrongs others had done, I readily look for my own mistakes. The book uses the word mistakes, folks. We are not bad people. I'm going to make mistakes until I put dirt on my grave because I'm a human being that's part of my nature. But I am growing spiritually so I make less mistakes. We are nicht bad Menschen. Wir machen Fehler aufgrund unserer spiritualen Bewusstseinsnähe. That's all. It goes on to say, where have I been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking, and frightened? So there's four areas that I'm going to look at. Though a situation is not entirely my fault, I tried to disregard the other person involved entirely. Where am I to blame? The inventory is mine, not the other man's. When I saw my faults, I listed them. I placed them before me in black and white. Now I get my instructions for the fourth column. So, we need to get free of this resentment. So let's go back to Dallas. And here's what's going to be interesting. I'm resentful of Dallas because he won't forgive me. That affects seven areas of my life. So let'S look at this and say, where am I at fault? Well, here's one of the ways I'm selfish and self-seeking in this. I think Dallas is supposed to forgive me because it's what I want. right I'm dishonest with myself because Dallas is spiritually sick spiritually sick people can't forgive but I think he's supposed to forgive I'm in fear because if he won't forgive me, I probably won't get what I want here's the other piece she chose to be in a relationship with Dallas you don't have any gun to her head saying you will stay in this relationship with me she chose to be innocent you see what I'm saying now all of a sudden what used to be the truth now becomes a lie and I see all my stuff here's the neat part Dallas doesn't change a bit and I get free of the resentment and I've been able to do that with every resentment I ever had a father who I hated who I now have tremendous feelings of love every time that I think about him because he was a spiritually sick man Who truly did the best he could based on his levels of spiritual awareness. If I was going to wait for my father to ever make amends for what he did to me, I was gonna die an alcoholic death. Once again, my ego does three things. It wants to be separated from God, me, and you. One of the ways it does it, it takes all these resentments and it has them in my mind all the time and now I'm separated from them. Folks tell me to change my attitude, Mark. People are spiritually sick. Spiritually sick people do things. And you know what God asked me to do? I can't do it on my own. God wants me to be kind and tolerant toward those people who harm me because they're spiritually sick. So that's the attitude I try and take today. It's a wonderful place to live. You know why? Because I got free of what you say about me. I got free of the actions you take. And today, it's just about me and my relationship with God. I got freed of the world in my four-column resentment inventory. Okay? Now, when I get through with the resentment inventory, I went back to Don and said, I'm done. Let's do a third step. He said, no, you're not. Now you've got to write a fear inventory. now you'll notice something in turn back to page 65 and on the third column you'll see wherever he wrote the word self-esteem he also wrote the word fear and that's the tool I try and use in the third column because it helps me write my fear inventory now let's look at the instructions on fear it says notice the word fear is backed alongside the difficulties with Mr. Brown Mrs. Jones the employer and the wife this short word fear somehow touches every aspect of my life fear is an evil and corroding thread the fabric of my existence is shot through with fear fear set in motion trains of circumstances which brought me misfortune I felt I didn't deserve but did not we ourselves set the ball rolling let me share something with you fear based decisions only lead to more fear write that down Fear-based decisions only lead to more fear. Example, if I have a fear of being alone and I'm going out seeking relationships, then I'm gonna get in it, then I'll be scared to death, I'll lose it. Fear- based decisions only lead to mere fear. It goes on to say, did not we ourselves set the ball rolling? Sometimes we think fear ought to be classed with stealing, seems to cause more trouble. How many of you in here have stolen something? Every one of us. When you stole something, wasn't that a conscious choice? Is it possible that every single time you're experiencing any fear, it's because you're making a conscious choice to live in the fear? Think about that. Your ego doesn't want to embrace that. It says, what do you mean, Mark? Anytime I am in fear, I'm making a conscious choice to be in fear just like I did stealing. And you know why? Because I'm trying to rely on Mark. That's why. So, now I get instructions for this fear inventory. Mark reviewed his fears thoroughly. Mark put them on paper even though he has no resentment and connection with them. Mark asked himself why he had them. So when I do a fear inventory, there's two columns to it. here's the first column I make a list of my fears now if I wrote let me give you an idea I'll take some of my own this time when I wrote my third column every time I saw fear I wrote the word fear out to the side so here's what I found in my third columns some fears I have a fear of rejection I have a fear of authority I have a fear of women and I went down and I found everything I could in that third column for fears now in addition to that there's some other fears I hate snakes I don't like spiders some people fear heights some people fear dying in a fire I ask God to show me all of the fears that I have. Now, here's the ones, though, I think for me have always been the most important things like I have a fear of intimacy. I have an idea of what I want to do. I have fear of a relationship with a woman. I have afraid of taking risks. I have fearful of showing you who I really am. I have fears of rejection. I have the fear of abandonment. That's the real meat. Those are the real fears that move us into making fear-based decisions and taking action. I have feared not being successful. I have a fear of being successful. I have fear of failure. I have the fear of success. You know why? Because you expect me to do it again tomorrow, and I don't know if I've got the power to do that. Here's the other thing you'll find out about fears. If I have afraid of intimacy, I also have a peer of being alone. By the time I had done my first inventory, I had four pages of fears, and I could have written more. Don looked at me and said, is there anything you're not afraid of? I said, I don' t think so. I'd go to pyramid toys thinking I'm a tough macho male time in Vietnam, raised in a tough macho family. And I started out telling them I don't have very many fears. When I got done I realized I was in fear from the time my eyes popped open until I went to sleep at night. I was afraid of speaking in front of a crowd. I was scared of being alone. I was worried of intimacy. I was prayed of being along. I was afraid of success. I was scared of failure. I was a friend of rejection. I was the friend of acceptance. I got as uncomfortable with the men and women in AU who loved me as those who rejected me. Actually, I was probably more comfortable with those who rejected me I began to see that the very fabric of my being is interwoven with fear. And fear was moving me to make decisions. Fear-based decisions only lead to more fear. Time and time again. Second column of the inventory, the book says, Mark asked himself why he had these fears. Why do I have the fear? Example, why do I having a fear of rejection? Probably the same reason. It doesn't feel good. I'm a sensitive alcoholic. It affects my self-esteem. See, an old idea that had to be smashed is that everyone's going to accept it. That's a real old idea. It doesn't have a need to operate for me anymore. Fear of authority, what I found out this time through the inventory, that tied back to my father. Some of you can relate to this. Boss walks up to you and says something. You automatically say something like, I'd like to punch his lights out, but you don't. You say, hi, how are you doing? What I realize is when bosses have talked to me, I don't see a boss. I see my dad talking to me and that produces fear. last year is when I really got free of this one. And that's a wonderful freedom to experience because now I can understand the role of the boss and where he fits and I'm not dominated by fear anymore and I can tell him exactly how I feel about anything and there's tremendous freedom in that. So this is where I had to look at all my fears. I stayed drunk a lot of years behind massive amounts of fear. so i got two column fear inventory the list of all my fears second column why do i have those fears the other thing for those you've been sober for a while you can do something i did this this time i got done and i probably had 50 60 fears and all i did was they boiled down to eight fears and i'll tell you what they really boiled down to i only had two fears I have a fear that I'm going to lose something, or I have a fear I'm not going to get something. Example. Rejection. I have a fear of not going to get something. What? Being accepted. Authority. Same thing. Got a fear I'm going to lose something. What? Maybe my job. Fear women. What's that about? I'm either going to lose something or not going to get something. Every fear I had, that huge list of three or four hundred boiled down to two basic fears. this last inventory, my fear is boiled down. I have one fear and one fear only. And that's real simple. If I'm in fear, I'm separated from God, myself, and you. That is the only fear I have today. The rest of them I realize my mind has created over the years. That is truly the only thing I have. That's the only peer that I work with today. Because the book's going to tell me why you and I have any kind of fear in any area. Here's what it says. Self-reliance was good as far as it went, but it didn't go far enough. And it tells us we have fear because we're into self-rebliance. Think about this a minute. Go back to your third step decision. God's the father, you're his child. God's a director, you are his actor. God's principle, you is agent. What the hell have we got to be afraid of? The creator of the universe will give us everything we need if we stay close to him and perform his work well. That means if someone's supposed to be in our life, they'll be in her life. If we're supposed to work at this job, we'll be here. If we'RE supposed to make this sum of money, we'LL do it. If my relationship with Him stays right and I rely on Him, I need not ever experience fear. Fear is the single greatest ingredient that separates me from God, myself, and you time and time and times and times again. It shows up. It goes on to say, some of us once had great self-confidence, but that didn't fully solve the fear problem or any other. And when it made us cocky, it was even worse. Perhaps there's a better way we think so. Now I'm going to get two paragraphs of instructions of what I can do about fear. It says, for now I'm on a different basis. I'm not on the basis of trusting and relying upon God. I'm gonna trust infinite God rather than my finite self. I don't have the power, but God does and I'm His child and He'll give it to me. I'm in the world to play the role that God assigns. Example, if some of you are sitting in this room right now and you're married, I suspect the role is God wants you in that marriage. Question to ask is, is fear preventing me from playing the role that God's assigned me to play? You know what you're going to find? Your ego is using fear to interfere with the very thing you want, which is a happy, healthy, loving, nurturing marriage. I'm in the world to play the role that God assigns, and fear prevents me from playing that role. Just to the extent that I do as I think God would have me and humbly rely on God, does God enable me to match calamity with serenity? That's a great promise. I never apologize to anyone for depending upon our creator I can laugh at those who think spirituality is the way of weakness paradoxically spirituality is the way to strength the verdict of the ages is that faith means courage all men of faith have courage they trust their God I never apologize for God instead I let God demonstrate through me what God can do now look at the next sentence here's the spiritual tool anytime you're in fear here's what it is anytime I'm in fear I ask God to remove my fear and direct my attention to what he'd have me be in the third step we know what he wants us to be don't we his child actor and agent watch what happens when you do that the next time you're in fear say the prayer God please remove this fear and remind me of what you would have me be. Your mind will lock in. I'm your child. I trust you. This will turn out all right. I don't care what the outcome is. Or, maybe you're at your workplace or somewhere and you've got to do something and you're going to have to do it. You've got some fear. The prayer is, God, remove the fear. Remind me of who you would want me to be. I'm an actor and agent. God will empower you to do that far beyond your capabilities. I only had to do one thing to prepare for this workshop and any other workshop I've ever done you know what that is? yesterday Denise and I spent 25 minutes in meditation and I got into a state where I asked my loving father to give me the power to carry the message that he wants me to carry in the period of time that we're all together that's all I had to be nothing else absolutely nothing that's the tool now now I'm done with two inventories and you also have another handout we put which has to do with the least talked about area in AA that leads to more relapses and now about sex many of us need an overhauling here oh let me discuss the middle of the road stuff you hear in AA about sex do not get in a relationship for a year I'm your sponsor, I'm God I'm telling you that, okay we're going to find out in this book oh, I heard a joke about that the reason no one knows if that ever worked or not is because no one's ever done that but that's some of the middle road stuff that we're gonna hear in this area called sex We're going to be given some tools, but the book is real clear. In the area of relationships, the bottom line is it's about doing some work out of this book and what do you think God wants you to do in that relationship. I have never and will never give anyone advice about relationships. I'm here to do one thing, share my experience only. I want to comment about that a minute. Don taught me a valuable gift. Don had never been to Vietnam. He had never Been in combat. He had never had to kill people. He had ever seen people he loved get killed. When it came time for me to do a fifth step on Vietnam, he sent me to a man in the program who had been where I was at and got free of that pain, that shame, that guilt, and that remorse. If I had an area of my life that I had no experience in, he would send me to someone in AA who had experience with that. You cannot help me in an area you have no experience with. Recently, I'm doing some work with a man. He was a chronic relapser, and what comes up in his inventory was drunk. He hit a family and killed two of the family members. Never shared that. Staying drunk. Said to me, what do I do? I said, I don't know. I don' t have any experience. Let me make some calls. I found a man in a town 60 miles away. I sent him over there. That man had had the same experience, did the work, was able to go make amends and got free of that. I have no experience to help that man. My ego is really okay in all that areas. I can't help you if I have no experience there. I can only help you in areas I have experience. If I don't, my network is extensive enough I can send you to someone who's had experience in that area. But I can help you if I've no experience. There's a sign at a club in Denver, I love it. Take my advice, I won't be using it. Right? AA's full of that stuff. So, now about sex. Many of us need an overhauling there. But above all, we try to be sensible on this question because it's so easy to get way off the track. Here we find human opinions running to extremes, absurd extremes perhaps. One set of voices cry sex is a lust of unordered nature, a base necessity of procreation. Then we have the voices who cry for sex and more sex, who bewail the institution of marriage, who think most of the troubles of the race are traceable to sex causes. They think we don't have enough of it or it isn't the right kind. They see its significance everywhere. One school would allow man no flavor for his fare. The other was have us all on a straight pepper diet. We want to stay out of this controversy. Next sentence. Here's my instruction as a sponsor. We do not want to be the arbiter of anyone's sexual conduct. I have no right to judge anybody's sexual conduct nor tell them what to do about a relationship. We all have sex problems. We'd hardly be human if we didn't. What can we do about them? Here's the paragraph that tells me how to write a sex inventory. It says, We reviewed our own conduct over the years past, period. In order for me to look at conduct, the book is asking me to Look at Relationships. So I had to say a prayer and I had to make another list. You get tired of making lists in inventory, right? Because you make a list of people, institutions, principles. You make a lista of all the fears you got. And now I'm going to make a lis of all of the relationships I've had so I can look at Conduct. And we passed out on that sheet a form which takes nine questions and it says I'm going to look at my conduct. So in that form we gave you, here's what I do. I write what happened when I first met this woman and I look for my motives. I look for my motives in the start of that relationship. I write down some things that happened in the middle and I get honest about where was the relationship at when it ended. and then I ask myself nine questions in that relationship which actions of mine were selfish and the sheet that I handed out gives you the definitions of these questions so I say a prayer and say God in this relationship with this person which actions of mine were selfish well I didn't really think about this person I was gone a lot more than I needed to be I did what I wanted when I wanted to do it. Next question. Mark, in this relationship, what actions of yours were dishonest? Now, I'm dishonest two ways. I can dishonest by telling you a lie, but one of the greatest ways most of the men and women I've ever worked with are dishonest is we're dishonest via omission. We don't tell the whole truth, as Paul Harvey says. We leave out little segments of it. So my dishonesty is not only by omission, but commission as well. Third question I ask myself about this relationship. What actions in this relationship were inconsidered? Well, I was supposed to pick her up at 9. I didn't get there until 9.30 and I never called her. And I forgot to send her flowers. And I didn' t get her cards. And I go through all the ways in which I am inconsiderate. or there was that time where she had to go see her mother and I wasn't supportive. And I look at the ways all my actions in that relationship are inconsiderate. Next question, in my relationship with this person, who did I hurt? If you want to see the ripple effect, you get honest about relationships. Example, when you are in a relationship with somebody and that relationship ends, look at this question about who'd you hurt I'll give you some of my own experiences when that's happened to me my employers hurt because I'm in a lot of pain and I'm not mentally here at my workplace any other family members including in the most part mothers and fathers are also hurt when that happens if there are children the children are hurt if your men and women friends in AA are hurt because when you're in that kind of pain you are not available to them I have gone around and made amends to men and women in this program when I was in dire pain over a relationship because I wasn't there to help them you want to see the ripple effect you take a look at relationships I love this because I've been guilty of this I've had to do more work in this area than any other area that I've ever had to work in I don't question why I'm just telling you I have married and divorced 4 times 13 relationships in 14 years engaged 6 times I sought women as higher power for years did I want to do that? no, I know today why but I'm sharing with you my experience I've had to do one hell of a lot of work in this area but I never gave up last year I got free I got three of women they are no longer between me and God what does that mean? means that I'm not even dating I'm NOT in a relationship have no desire It means I have a lot of women friends. It means that I got free. I don't need a woman in my life. I said to God, if you want that to happen, every other time prior to this, I had an old idea. I need awoman in mylife. You remember I talked about truth and there's two sides to the coin? You know what I saw this time I've never seen before? Somewhere early on in my teen years, I made a decision that I needed to be married and grow up with a woman. You know why? and all the time I've been sober and not once has it occurred to me maybe God's will is to do His work. I need to not be in any relationship ever. I saw the truth of that. Does that make me feel good? No. Does that feel uncomfortable? Yeah. Why? Because I love women. I love being married. Hell, I've only been married four times. But I had to be able to sit right in the middle and say to my loving Father I'm willing to grow old and never be in a relationship if that's what you want from me you show me that and I got free I absolutely got free every other time when I did inventory I came this side which is I want to be married and grow old with a woman God I'm going to write this stuff get rid of some defects so guess what I did I kept going out getting into more relationships creating more harm that's why that's not what happened to me but I got three this time It goes on to say, some other areas I look at, where did my actions in this relationship arouse jealousy? I do this sometimes with the clients who are here. Those that have significant others, here's the question I ask. Because sometimes at treatment centers, this is hard to believe, but he and she goes on. So here's a question I asked. If your significant other was here on the grounds and could follow you around for a day, would your behavior with the opposite sex change? Oh my God. Well guess what? If your answer to that is yes, you're doing some actions that are designed to create jealousy, suspicion, and bitterness. If you want to know where you're at in your relationship with God and your relationship within the other, ask yourself a question. on my own when I'm interacting with the opposite sets other than my significant other would I be comfortable if that person was here and present all the time if the answer to that is no you're being dishonest trying to create some stuff I've written understand something about this inventory this inventory is just not about people you've had sex with one of the things I discovered about myself I had to write inventory on is I have a very flirtatious side to me that's a defect because what I wind up doing by being flirtatious is giving a message that ain't true