Turning Over Will and Life – Workshop: Steps 1 – Part 10 of 11 – Local AA Speakers

okay so we go into the third session the last session the third step my favorite line in the book is being convinced people miss that some people come in i know when i came in there were people that were working with newer people i'm just really thankful i'll always be thankful for my sponsor um but people were like doing these the steps with these people and they were literally saying well you know i think yeah you i think you know you're alcoholic and you know have you come to believe that a power gradient yes yes i have it says being convinced we're at step three we set out on a course of vigorous action. I don't know, but I was not convinced early on that I was at step 30. For me, had it not been worked and talked about with my sponsor, I probably wouldn't have been able to do a thorough fourth step because I still wasn't clear about what was going on with me. And one of the reasons why I'm really, my sponsor did not sponsor a lot of women and she didn't sponsor a lot of Women for this reason. And this reason alone, my sponsor believed in working with us one on one. We did not like meet at a meeting and go upstairs in the clubhouse, you know, in a room. She met with us One-on-one and when it was our time, it was our time alone I will be forever appreciative of that because she was able to sit go through this book talk about some stuff that I had been through and by the time that we sat down at that um at her house and we did that formal third step where we both got on our knees because I was so angry at God that I'm just thankful that time was taken. And I think that's what we, when we do service and we're doing service to people that are coming in. And sometimes it's been my experience that we talk to people who have gotten stuck in their sobriety and have gone back to basic. That time be spent with people. That's a service. Working the steps with people, that is service work. You know what I mean? Anytime that we're trying to help another alcoholic to achieve sobriety, it is service work, whatever it is. I get the blessing of being able to sponsor a few women, but I also get the blessings of being around and do stuff like this and get to do workshops and get meet people all over the place and get stay an extra day and if somebody wants to talk to me, I can talk to them. You know, I believe in service work, but I am a believer in this line more so than anything and that is being convinced that we're at step three. How did I get convinced? Step one and two. My track records. They were conclusive. What am I turning over? I remember asking my sponsor. Is there some piece of it I can hold on to? because I don't know that I really want to give, you know, turn my will and my life. That's a little drastic, don't you think? I thought that was so drastic. Well, I've got to give my will AND my life I remember my sponsor going, you don't even know what your will and your life is Yes, I do It's my will And my life I know what it is And she goes, no You don't know because it's your thoughts and your actions that's your will in your life oh okay but when you put it like that I guess that's what it is so we begin to talk about these things that I did my will wow my actions you're looking at a woman that active alcoholism drew back to sucker punch my mother in my right mind I would never disrespect my mother like that but in active alcohol alcoholism yeah really Angie you don't want to turn that over yes ma'am I do you thought that it was a good idea that you give your children up for adoption because you knew they would stand in the way of your drinking you don't want to turn that over sister yeah I do your grandmother put her house up for you to get out of jail and you ran you left the state that woman lost everything she had really you struggled with turning it over Angie Angie, you hit your youngest sister in the middle of her back with a bat. Really, Angie? You don't want to turn it over? your will and your life, your thoughts and your actions. Well when you put it like that can we pray? That's what I do. I'm ready. I hadn't had people have been honest with me you guys all my life. Like I said I'm from a family of Baptists but they ain't got no problem being honest. but I couldn't hear it until I got to you for some reason my parents were very resentful at AA because they tried everything they could to get my attention they tried everything they could to get my attention but I heard it from you I heard it from my sponsor so we start taking a look at all this stuff wow so when I exert my will usually it's induced with a little self-centeredness with a little selfishness just a little bit of an injected into what it is I'm going to do And then along with that, the actions stem from that. The self-centeredness and the selfishness. It wasn't until I was willing to align my will with the will of a power greater than that I was able never once in either this book or the 12 and 12 did it ever tell me that I would not be able to use my will I can use my Will as long as it conforms with that of a higher power and that together we're working on this thing this journey, this thing called sobriety this life, together but without it it's a hard road a hard road so when I got to the point where my sponsor said you know what I think you're at step three when I hit my knees you guys with my sponsor that day something happened to me that I hadn't felt the whole time I had been in AA and that was that I was taking an active part in my recovery an active role in me getting happy joyous and free and we got down on our knees and she held my hands and I remember I can feel it just as I talk about it she cuffed her hands into mine and she said what I'm going to do right now is I'm gonna say the third step prayer and then I want you to say it and I wasn't even sure you guys if I knew it but I knew that I had been saying it I didn't know if I new it but it wasn't any fear there and I listened to her with my eyes closed and tears started streaming down my face and I felt a sense of relief that I hadn't felt in a long time and then I said it and as I said it I remember like it was yesterday but I remember I held her hand tight and I pulled it to me and I said God offer myself today to build with me when I said build with you build with me I meant that from the bottom to build with me and do with me as you will because for the first time in my life you guys I realized that me doing things was messing stuff up. I keep messing my life up over and over and over again. So when I ask that, I ask that with a full heart to build with me and to do with me as you will. Not me. You. The big one. Relieve me of the bondage of self. How many of y'all in here know what it's like to be in the bondage of self. Oh my God. It sucks royally. It's not fun at all. It sucked royally so when I said relieve me of the bondages of self that I may better do your will. Mine ain't working maybe just lazy. Maybe yours might be better than mine. So I'm going to do your wheel okay Because I'm already convinced from one, two, and three that mine gets me in trouble. So I'm going to do your will. Another one. Take away my difficulties. What are my difficulties? Me. I'm my damn difficulties. The way I think is my difficulties Sometimes the way I talk is my difficulty sometimes just being there is difficult so I'm asking God in the morning take away my difficulty and then here's the that victory, I heard that in my daddy's church victory is mine, victory I knew what victory was so that this really cool thing can happen as a result of me doing what it is you want me to do. I mean that victory over them may bear witness. What? Bear witness so that whatever it is as I walk in alignment with the power greater than, you'll know in my step, I don't have to tell you how grateful I am. You'll know how grateful I am that I'm in alignment with a power greater than just because of the way that I am carrying myself. I ain't cussing like a sailor. That's what I used to do. To be of maximum service to God and my fellows I wouldn't want to do that without God I think I know everything do you know that I used to think that I really listened to people I did when you sat down to talk to me I used TO THINK I REALLY LISTENED TO YOU I'd be looking at you like I was focused but the whole time I'd be thinking about me even with my sponsees even with my sponsees, like I would say some profound stuff I'm talking about profound but I would say some profound stuff to my sponcees and then I'd say, so what do you think about that? they could be talking it would be like that little woman on Charlie Brown you know what I mean? until it was my turn to talk again I'm telling you those first three steps did some amazing stuff with my ability to listen out of respect. Out of respect for other people. So it wasn't just about me being convinced that I'm at step three. Hmm? How can I turn my will and my life over to a power greater than myself if I can't even listen to what you, who I can see is saying. You hear people say ah you don't know anything about staying sober. Be quiet. Ah. Don't say anything. You don't Know Anything About Staying Sober. But you might know something about some other stuff. And when my sponsor let me know that what I had to say was important It might not have meant nothing, but it was important. Was I able to share some of the things in my life about my will and my life with her? We did that prayer, man. And I got up, and I remember I was like, oh, I am so done. Because I had spent all this time with my sponsor, and I thought, surely we'll get like a break. You know, like spring break or something like that. You know what I mean? Just like a, you know, yeah, like a spring break from the steps. You know? Then come back in a week and get with some stuff. You know. And she was telling me, Angie, no, we need to go back like right here when you were talking to me about this, that and the other. And you were talking about really how you felt about your father. What? Why do I need to talk about that? Because however way you feel about your father is the way that you'll feel about your power greater than. Really? I couldn't stand my father. I felt like he judged me all the time. I could never do anything right in his eyes. She said, tell me how much different is that than you feel about God? It's the same thing. That's exactly how I viewed God. I could never do anything right. That he judged me. And that as far as he was concerned, I'm done with any kind of happiness that can come my way. Thank God for sponsorship. He says, no, no. No, no, no. Here today you get to choose your own conception of who God is. And we sat and we wrote some words. I said, I want him to be loving, powerful, merciful, forgiving. That's what I want them to be. and I'm here to tell you that at 21 years of sobriety that's who my God is and having been where I've been to be here now I know without a shadow of a doubt that he loves me more than I could ever imagine I'm in Georgia man I'm down here with all these damn peaches you know what I mean like it's warm man I'm telling you when I walked out that door of that hotel this morning I felt like that warmth just gave me a hug and I know but now the shadow that's my higher power here's another gift baby it's like my birthday on a regular basis I'm convinced I'm convinced and my prayer for you if you're new and you're not convinced get with that sponsor ask questions if you don't know don't just let it flow and ask somebody you have a right to ask this stuff be explained and I have because I'm a trusted servant have some directions right here that I can take you to and give you your answer thank God for this design for living so the first three steps has played a huge part in my moving on to the rest of my journey I really don't have a lot more to say on the third step other than this if you guys can say it with me we'll say the third step prayer and I'll close let's take a deep breath and as you say the words here God I offer myself to thee to build with me and to do with me as thou wilt relieve me of the bondage of self that I may better do thy will take away my difficulties that victory over them may be a witness to those that I would help by love, by power and by grace. Remember that. Amen. May we do thy will always. You guys, thank you so so much. And I'm going to close with this right here. Back home my grandmother used to sing this song. And I really didn't know the meaning of it until that night on that stage in 2005 at the International. And I'm going to close with this, if you don't mind. Amazing grace How sweet does the sound That saved a wretch like me See, I once was lost But now I'm found I was blind But now I see Thank you, Georgia. to a month, visit and look for the donate links. Thank you very much.