Step 4 Inventory and Resentment – Chapman and Michael K. – Sponsorship Workshop – Part 5 of 6 – Audrey C.

It didn't even happen, okay? But I'm going to put them down anyway because I've got to see the delusion because it drives me just as fast as the facts will. Okay? All right. So we've got these first three columns. Flip over to 66. It talks about thoroughness and honesty. Thoroughness not meaning every detail of everything that happened. Thoroughess meaning the facts, the truth. Did you get it all out or are you hanging on to something? And guys, you know if you're hanging on to something. You do. You'll forget a lot of stuff, but you know if you've got something that you're harboring. It says, oh, excuse me. The first thing apparent was that this world and its people were often quite wrong. That was always apparent to me, right off the bat. To conclude that others were wrong was as far as most of us ever got. Well, yeah, because if I can stop right there and feel confident about it being your fault, I'm good to go. Then I get to be the what? Martyr, the victim all over again. And the problem with that is victims don't get sober. Sure, don't stay sober. Just don't. I've got to get free of it because what the literature talked about and Michael talked about was my problems are in my own making. If that's the truth, I can get free. My problems are of your making, I'm in a lot of trouble because you will never change. But if I can see, that's why it's important the attitude you bring into it because if you're willing to see the truth and you're willingness to accept responsibility, you can get freed. if you insist on it being their fault and you being right you're getting loaded hands down or even worse you don't get loaded and you just stay miserable have you seen those people oh god we're not going to get into that anyway says the usual outcome is that people continue to wrong us and we stayed sore skip down it's a plane that it is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. Think, what's your experience? Up until this point of doing inventory, has it not been futile and unhappy? Absolutely. No matter what your circumstance. To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worthwhile? How much time have you spent alone in your thoughts nurturing all this nonsense and sickness and then behaving accordingly? Am I the only person here who was entitled and felt justified to treat people how they wanted to based on what I thought happened in the past which may or may not have happened. But with the alcoholic whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience this business of resentment is infinitely gray. Why? Because it shuts me off from the sunlight of the spirit and then what happens? The only voice I hear is my own. And my own voice and my own head sounds like this. You're right and everybody else is wrong. Anybody else? I mean, And how many times do you hear that in sobriety? Somebody asks you, Do you want to be right or do you want To be free? Oh, before I live this life, I want to Be right all the time and free. It doesn't work that way. How free do you Want to be? So it says, When harboring such feelings, We shut ourselves off from The sunlight of the spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns, And we drink, And with us to drink is to die. See the importance Of writing inventory now? Get it done. When you're sponsoring people, Give them a date. Here's how you write inventory. At this point, we need to meet to do your fifth step. Give them a time frame. You give an alcoholic an open-ended time frame, it will not get done. It won't. Here's when we're going to meet. Be there. Give them, give them a period of time in which to get this stuff done. I've got to get it up because guys, think about this. When you're sitting in this and you're putting it on paper and you are reliving all this stuff, how long can you stay there? Not long if you're a drunk like me before you're getting a drink. Get it up off of you, get it on paper and move on. Michael talked about it. We're going through the work quickly. I'm going to give you two months to write your inventory and I'll say no, quickly. If we had to live, we had be free of anger. The grouch and the brainstorm were not for us. That idea that I know what's best and I'm gonna sit and plot your demise has got to be done. the grouch and the brainstorm. It's not for us. They may be the dubious luxury of normal men, but for alcoholics, these things are poison. So what's going to happen? I'm going to do this resentment inventory. I'm gonna look at these first three columns and then I'm going to slide over and start filling some things out in this mysterious fourth column that nobody seems to ever know about. Hmm. So it says we turn back to the list where it held the key to the future. So I'm about to look at column one, two, and three, and look at column four. Start writing down what's my mistake? Where has self manifested in these situations? And don't worry if you can't see it all. Your sponsor will help you. I promise. Then they'll rub your little nose in it and it'll get ugly. Just kidding. But you don't have to see all of it. That's why we have sponsors. That is what that is about. So I am going to look at it from an entirely different angle. We began to see that the world and its people really dominated us. Isn't that the truth? Do those people, those institutions, those principles that you wrote, did they not own you? Mine did. In that state, the wrongdoings of others, fancy or real, had the power to actually kill. If you're drunk like me and you're sitting in the back of the room like Joe thinking that I'm glaring at you when I'm really not, you'll make every decision from here on out concerning me with that idea in mind that I don't like you. Had the power to actually kill me, whether it was real or not. So all these resentments must be mastered, but how we couldn't wish them away any more than alcohol. You ever decided you're not going to be upset about something anymore? You know what? I'm just over that. I'm going to let that go. Let that go! Awesome if you can do that. But I sure can't. I've decided I'm not mad at you so many times and then when I see you, I'm like, now I remember why I don' t like you." I don''t have the power to let that go any more than I have the power to choose whether or not I drink. That's just the truth. It's just a truth. So it's going to give us this resentment prayer in dealing with other people. The top of page 67, it says, We ask God to help us show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience we would cheerfully grant a sick friend. When a person offended, we said to ourselves, This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God saved me from being angry. Thy will be done. More often than not, you're going to hear people say, well, you should pray for that other person. If you're upset with them, you Should Pray For Them. What this book says is they don't need your prayers. You need to pray for you that God change you. God save me from being angry. Thy will be done. They're not the ones that have to change. I do. I do so it says referring to our list again, putting out of our minds the wrongs others had done. We resolutely look for our own mistake. So this is where the fourth column of that inventory comes in. So, where have we been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking, and frightened? This is what I'm looking for in these resentments. What's my mistake? Though a situation had not been entirely our fault, we tried to disregard the other person involved entirely. Where were we to blame? This is the point in which I'm going to accept some responsibility for what's gone on instead of blaming you and trying to get free. the inventory was ours not the other man's when we saw our faults we listed them we placed them before us in black and white we admitted our wrongs honestly we were willing to set these matters straight put back to 65 because the fear is i'm not going to be able to see it in somebody else sure you've been taking everybody's inventory their entire life you will easily be able to see this you've ever been in a situation where you're having a conversation with somebody and they're trying to convince you of how somebody's wronged them and you're thinking to yourself, well, yeah, I can see that, but you totally set that in motion. You see that stuff. It's easier to see that in other people than it will ever be able to see it in yourself. I can feel where she would have said that to you because remember last week you were telling me how you were doing this and this over here? It will become apparent. Look at Bill. So he's resentful at Mr. Brown because why? He's paying attention to his wife. He told on him because he has a mistress and now he's trying to get his job. well I'd be upset too wouldn't you for sure what's it affected his sex relations uh yeah she found out that he has a mistress do you think that he's having sex relations at home that are positive no she's angry she's upset rightfully so my self-esteem what's happened suddenly my home has been disrupted my marriage has been interrupted She's found out, and he's told on me. Hmm. My security. Now he's trying to get my job, my income, my paycheck, my self-esteem that I've attached to who I think I am at work. See how this guy has disrupted every area of his life? He's got him across the board. All of his instincts pretty much have been affected, and now he's living by fear. Fear that people are going to find out. Fear that he's going to lose his job. Fear that it's not going to be taken care of. Hmm. So now let's slide down to the fourth column in this deal and look at where was Bill selfish? Where was he self-seeking? Where was He dishonest, and where was He frightened? All of a sudden it becomes obvious. Well, let's see. He's paying attention to my wife. Right. Why? Because Bill's down the street having an affair. He's left the door wide open for somebody, anybody, to pay attention to his wife. selfish dishonest the delusion that this was done at me no you kicked the door wide open for it to happen see how easy that is to see on somebody else told my wife of my mistress so I'm mad that somebody's paying attention to my wife but yet I'm having an affair wow hmm and he's trying to get my job at the office why wouldn't he be why because if you slide on down to the rest of his inventory when he's upset with his employer what's he doing why is he mad at the employer because he's drinking on the job and padding his expense account so he shows up loaded to work and he's stealing petty cash so somebody else is trying to get his job well whose fault is that uh bill see how easy it is to see this stuff on somebody else it will make sense it will make sense sitting and hearing somebody else's inventory you will begin to see patterns You will begin to see motive. The character defects will come alive. You'll be writing faster than they can talk to show them what their stuff is, right? Security. I love it. Who I think I am. So when he sees these faults, we list them, we place them before us in black and white, which means there's a list going. I need to know what I'm working with. God already knows what he's working with, but I need the truth. I need him to see who am I really because I've sold myself on a delusion that I'm a giver. All of a sudden, I'm seeing something like Bill's inventory come to light and go, oh my gosh, no, I am not. I am selfish and dishonest and inconsiderate of others and taking every action based on fear. Oh no. Those are the actual facts. That is the actual truth. And I am going to need those lists of defects because when I walk into 6th and 7th, I know exactly what I am working with. Exactly what I'm giving to God. He already knows, but I need to see that. And that's how resentment inventory works. I'm not going to go into master detail on that just because I need to flip through the other two before we break for lunch. But you'll see, if you go back and look at Bill's inventory, the way he treats the people he's around, the way He treats his employer, the way HE treats his wife in this sort of self-centered entitlement that He can treat anybody the wayHe wants to, but they better treat Him with some respect. Isn't that interesting? I want forgiveness for me, but for you I want justice. Wow! but isn't that the way we live? And it becomes very, very obvious. In the bottom of 67, they're going to go on and talk about fear. It says this short word somehow touches about every aspect of our lives. It was an evil and corroding thread, and the fabric of our existence was shot through with it. That sounds like a lot of verbiage, but until you see this, you will see fear that is woven through your sex conduct, all of your resentment, every decision you've ever made it is evil and corroding but what's more important is that it's woven throughout everything so for those of us who walk in the rooms and say I'm not really afraid of anything let me assure you you put pen to paper and you will find out differently you'll find out different instead emotion trains of circumstances which brought us misfortune we felt we didn't deserve did not we ourselves set the ball rolling but what happens is I live in this sort of self-centered mode of operation, and I'm always afraid I'm not going to get what I want. And so I make decisions based on that. See, if I'm afraid that you're going to take something from me, I'll take necessary action to make sure that doesn't happen. And that's what this inventory is getting ready to show us. So sometimes we think fear ought to be classed with stealing. It seems to cause more trouble. That seems like kind of a dramatic statement. Look at your inventory, And you will see that it seems to cause more trouble because it drives me to take that action. So we reviewed our fears thoroughly. We put them on paper. So one more time, I'm going to be writing this stuff down. We asked ourselves why we had them. Wasn't it because self-reliance failed us? Michael talked a lot in Step 3 about this self-reliance that we consistently rely on even though it never pans out. But I rely on it over and over andover. And so this idea that I'm going to do something different, and I'm about to see in live and live in color, based on my experience, how self-reliance failed me. So it can be as simple as making a list of all the things that I am afraid of. You know, and a lot of them boil down to, you know, the ones that we all seem to have. Fear of being alone, fear of being unsuccessful, and then often times what I am scared of, I am worried of the opposite. Afraid to be with somebody, afraid to be successful. It gets real interesting. And then it's going to ask me, we asked ourselves why we had them. So just take a basic one. I'm afraid of being alone. Why are you afraid of Being Alone? Call them too, if you will. You can write it how you want to. Why would you be afraid to be alone? Because it's uncomfortable, because what people would say about me, because I'm relying on somebody else for an income, whatever the reason may be. Then it's gonna ask me was it because self-reliance failed me? In relation to this fear, where is my reliance? There's only two answers to that. It's either on God or it's on me, and me meaning various aspects. Where has self-reliance failed me? Am I relying on me or God? Well, look at it. In relationships of not wanting to be alone, what action have I taken based on this fear? I get in relationships with people I have no business being in a relationship with. I stay in relationships I have nothing to do with. I have little business staying in. What's your experience with that? Fear of being unsuccessful. Why? Because I don't want to be poverty stricken. Who are you relying on for that income? Who are your clients? Who are they relying on to be secure? You or God? Whose hands have you been putting that in? Oh, mine? How? I'm deceitful. I'm manipulative. I'm dishonest. I'm always trying to get mine. Does that make sense? Do you see how every decision has been based on fear? I mean, even looking back at Bill's inventory on 65, he's listed fear, what, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5? How many times is that? 1,2,3,4,5,6 times just in four resentments. Hmm, seems like fear is the driving force of all of it. Why do you think he was stealing from his employer? Why do I think he's trying to run games on his wife and on Mr. Brown? Why is he upset about this lady, Miss Jones, who's talking about his drinking and why afraid that it's not going to go what my way my plan my design see in the third step promises it talks about being less interested in my little plans and designs it took a long time for that word little to come to my attention because in the scope of i want what i want it's like a pinpoint like a laser and it only considers that thing it has nothing to do with what's out here, the possibility of what God could have for me. It's always about what I want, my little plans and designs. And when I'm in fear that you're going to disrupt that, you've got to go or I've got some maneuver around me. See how that works? Fear is a driving force of all my actions. Isn't that the truth? All right. I love this. Self-reliance was good as far as it went, but it didn't go far enough. Some of us once had great self-confidence, but it did not fully solve the fear problem or any other. When it made us cocky, it was worse. When I have that false sense of power that it comes from me and I am cocky about it, it makes it worse. See, if I am not in fear, I do not need to tell you. Have you ever seen that person that walks into the room and they have got to be the center of attention and they've got to Be Loud and they' ve got to run in the show and they You've got to dot, dot, dot. Do you think that's about self-confidence or fear? Think about that. When it made us cocky it was worse. Something to think about. Perhaps there's a better way we think so for we're now on a different basis. Well what basis is that? After taking the third step I'm on the basis of trusting and relying upon God. We trust infinite God rather than our finite selves. We're in the world to play the role He assigns which means what? It means I don't have to hand out parts to the rest of the actors because I've been doing that my whole life, driven by fear and already setting myself up for resentment because I know you're not going to do it the way I want you to do so I need to write the script detailed, hand it to you, go over it with you make sure you understand and then force you to do it my way. Whether I do it nicely or whether I browbeat you I've got to have what I want. Now it's saying I'm in the world to play the role he assigned hmm a different concept which means i don't need anybody to do it my way just to the extent that we do as we think he would have us and humbly rely on him does he enable us to match calamity with serenity you talk about living life on god's terms we all talk about live in life on life's terms but i already knew how to do that it was me doing what i wanted to do That's life on life's terms. You're all in it for you. Now we're going to live life on God's terms, very, very different concepts, very, very different. Like Michael said, we're all taught that from a very early age. Have a goal, have drive, have determination, make it happen. Don't count on anybody but you. You want something done right? Do it yourself. Now we are going to shift gears and place reliance on something that I have no experience with. It's like free falling. But then you have to ask yourself, well, What was my truth in step one? Oh, okay. I might be willing to do this then. That's why, again, like Michael said, if you don't understand that truth, it won't drive you through the work. It just won't enable us to match calamity with serenity. And that's the truth. So it says, instead we let him demonstrate through us what he can do. We ask him to remove our fear and direct our attention to what he would have us be. That's an interesting word to use, what he would have us be. Not necessarily what he'd have us do. If you're like me, a situation arrives and I take one step back, assess it, come up with a plan, and then take necessary action. What's that about? A life driven by fear and selfishness. Now it's saying what he Would Have Us Be. And you know what? Sometimes he would Have Us Just Be Quiet. Just Be Still. Just Don't Touch It. Let's see, a life driven by self-will demands that I get my hands immediately on it. Fix it, manipulate it, construe it to my liking and then you all better get on board with it like yesterday. This is asking what would God have me be? And once we commence to outgrow fear, I'm going to stop trying to manhandle and be a maximum service to God. At this point, do I know how to do that? No. But this is what we're working with. This is what we're looking for. This is where we're working towards and later on it's going to talk about how to apply these principles. They're talking about sex conduct and this is where everybody gets kind of tripped up about oh my God, I don't know about having to write sex inventory. I'm not asking you for the dirty details. I'm Not Asking You For All The Weird Stuff. If you want to tell me I'm always interested but that's not what this is about. This is about how do I operate within the confines of me and another human being? How do I treat these people that I say I care about. How do I treat the people that they care about? It's about to get real clear that I'm in it for me. No matter what the situation, I'm in it from me. I can often delude myself that I am also in it for you but more of it, I am in it for me and we are going to get real clear on this. It is going to go on to talk about human opinions, about what's right, what's not right, what does Michael think is okay versus what does Lewis think is okay. It doesn't matter. We're not in it to talk about that. This is not about moral versus immoral one more time. It's just about the facts. How are you operating in this stuff? I'm not going to be the arbiter of anybody's sex conduct, okay? I got to understand that as a sponsor, I don't get to tell you, you know what? I don' t really think it's okay to be gay. I don''t really think that you should be having sex before marriage. I don't really think that is not what this is. And how dare me, a drunk, going to tell you what's okay? No, no. Because your relationships with other people will be about you, them and God. I might be able to show you some facts along the way and certainly show you some defects that are coming up but I'm not here to instruct you in relationships. Does that make sense? You need to get real clear on that because there's a tendency when you're sponsored by a bunch of people and that ego comes into play and you want to start telling people what to do and women are the worst don't do it you do not have the right okay so it says we reviewed our own conduct over the years past oh my god i've been reviewing his conduct forever now i'm going to review my conduct and look at what's really going on where we've been selfish dishonest or inconsiderate we've seen that before whom did we hurt did we unjustifiably arouse jealousy suspicion or bitterness where were we at fault what should we have done instead we got this all down on paper and looked at it. This is not necessarily about the act of sex. It can be, but it's not necessarily that. What it's asking me is where was I selfish, dishonest and inconsiderate in relation to me and this other person? Hmm. Selfish, dishonist and inconsiderant. I've already looked at this in Four Step Inventory or Resentment Inventories so it's no new, but I'm just looking at it differently. Just based on this. Whom had we hurt? My tendency is to say me and him. Right, but who picked up the pieces when that didn't go right? His co-workers, my family, our mutual friends. See how it kind of ripples out? Suddenly there's a lot more people that got harmed inside this relationship than just me and that other person and I've got to consider that for a minute. Was that selfish? Should Did I at all consider how other people would be affected? No, because I was in it for me. Dishonest. You've got to include the delusion in that. I would be happy if he would act right. Really? Because when he did act right, he didn't do it quick enough. He didn't doing it nice enough. I would happy if you would act, right? No, I don't think so. I think that internal condition exists whether he behaves or not. That's the truth. Inconsiderate of others. Where did we unjustifiably arouse that jealousy, suspicion, or bitterness. Back to that third step, the actor running the show. What did I do trying to get my way? Trying to get my needs met? Where was I arousing these things? What role did I play? Jealousy. Think about that. How many times did you arouse that jealousy trying to gets your way? That can look like anything from you're not getting the attention you need so you seek it in someone else. It can look I know certain things irritate you so I do them just to irritate you, to arouse that kind of stuff? Suspicion. Where are you with that checkbook? Where are your finances? Where are we with being honest about your finances with your significant other? Are you deleting text messages? Ask yourself, where are you arousing that suspicion? I'm going to come home late. I'm gonna give you about half the details. Hadn't even done anything wrong but I just don't feel like you need to know. Wow. Is that how you would want to be treated? No. What's bad about this is I've got a, like Michael talked about, moral codes and philosophies that I can't live up to, but you better. I demand that you live up them. And when you don't, I will hold court to prove that I'm right and you're wrong, but I can live up myself. Man, why anybody would want to be with us when we act like this? Bitterness. Can't let anything go. I'm going to keep reliving something. I'll keep hinting at something. Keep stabbing that open wound. See how this is not just about the act of sex it can certainly involve the bedroom because we can sure be selfish in there but think about that in all the areas of your relationship where were you these things where were we at fault what should we have done and said don't don't give yourself the cop out of well I just should never dated him really look at it what should you have done instead when this problem arose how could you have behaved differently how could you've done something differently we got this all down on paper and looked at it. And the question is, in my next relationship, do I want to be this way? My answer was no. Whether it's in my next relationship or a current marriage or a current relationship, do you want to continue to behave the way that you're behaving? The problem is I don't have the power to do it differently and that's why I'm seeking. But I've got to first see what the truth is. And the truth is, I'm not as precious as I thought. A bit of a martyr in relationships. I will make you feel bad about things you don't even know you did. That's the truth and that had to be pointed out because guys, when I'm writing this inventory, I can see some of it but I'm going to need my sponsor to draw it all the way up and that's what we do and it becomes real obvious when you're doing it with somebody else. So it talks about in this way we try to shape a sane and sound ideal for our future life, future sex life. We subjected each relation to this test. Was it selfish or not? I've got to get down to the truth. We ask God to mold our ideals and help us to live up to them. This is not about fixing this. It's about asking God to mold my ideals and helped me to live with them. Sometimes we get sober and we start living in some principles and trying to work with some things and we're going to demand that everybody else do it. They don't have to. I have to live by these principles, I have to live the ideals that God molds, but I don't have the ability to do this on my own. It's going to give us three different sex prayers. We talked about a resentment prayer, a fear prayer, now it's going to give three sex prayers which sort of indicates that this is an issue, this is a problem for some of us and that's all right because they understood that. The authors of this book had the same experience. Whatever our ideal turns out to be, we must be willing to grow towards it. This idea that you're going to get it right, you're not. You're just not. Some of us feel like we've been so bad before we got sober that we've got to walk on water and get it all right. You won't. You want, but I've got be willing grow towards that. I've got to be willing change some things. So that first prayer says in meditation we ask God what we should do about each specific matter. Which means we're going to treat sex like we would any problem. I'm going to take this to God, ask Him what I should do about each particular matter. The right answer will come if we want it. If you want it, talk about God alone can judge our sex situation. Counsel with other persons is often desirable, but we let God be the final judge in relation to relationships. I've spoken with my sponsor. I've spoken with lots of people in recovery and this fellowship that are trying to abide by the same principles. But it's real important that God be the final judge on that stuff because there's lots of opinion. But this is really going to be ultimately about me and my creator and the people you sponsor and their creator. You may see something for what it is, but it's going to Be up to them. We avoid hysterical thinking or advice. God does not come hysterically to you. He doesn't. That thought process of, I have to make this work and he's the one. That's you. That's your thought process. God doesn't come hysterically. Get quiet in meditation and watch what happens. Watch. All right, and it talks about falling short of the chosen ideal. If we're sorry for what we've done and have the honest desire to let God take us to better things, we believe we will be forgiven, we'll have learned our lesson. Is it possible that I'm going to fall short of some chosen ideals and stumble in my sobriety? Yeah. I'm not going to get this right all the time but if I have the honest desire to let God take me to something better then I will have learned a lesson and it's not even a lesson for me it's for a woman I sponsor anything that happens to you in sobriety is not even about you isn't that weird it's just it's not about you it's for somebody else okay but it says if we're not sorry and our conduct continues to harm others we're quite sure to drink let me assure you if you want to do this work but carve out a little niche for yourself and continue to treat people how you want to but try to do this work at the same time, it doesn't work that way. It doesn't. I've seen lots of people sponsor, carry the message, attempt to live in principle but want to run over the opposite sex in this fellowship and they get loaded around that. Got to be clear. I remember one time sitting in a meeting in PPG and Michael made this comment and he said, what you guys need to understand is that the big book was written in blood And I had to really think about that. I thought, what did he say? The big book was written in blood. It's the experience of what did work and what did not work. And thank God they accounted for all those things. So how many times do you think they saw people stumble and fall and get loaded and walk away around this stuff? Why is there three prayers for this? This is the experience of what will work and won't work. If you are not sorry and you continue to harm others, quite sure to drink. So these are facts from our experience, not their thoughts, not their opinions. It's what they saw happening. They stepped over a lot of bodies to get this information. So it says to sum up about sex, this is the third prayer. We earnestly pray for the right ideal, for guidance in each questionable situation, for sanity and for the strength to do the right thing. That's what I'm praying for. And if it's troublesome, it's going to tell me I'm going out to look for others. That's when I'm doing, if I'm having issues here, I need to go work with somebody else. Why? I need to get busy doing something else. Let God go to work on me, because I'm not going to fix me. Let God Go To Work On Me While I Go Try To Help Somebody Else. But I'm going to be saying this prayer, praying for the right ideal, guidance, for sanity, for the love of God, sanity around this situation and the ability to do something different. So at this point we've looked at resentments, fear, sex conduct, and we've gotten it all down on paper. We've gotten It All Concise and To The Point. it's as if we've been thorough we've written down a lot we've listed and analyzed our resentments we've begun to comprehend their futility and their fatality we have begun to learn tolerance, patience and goodwill toward all men even our enemies for we look on them as sick people because for the very first time I got to see in black and white that I'm not so well I'm sick when I didn't realize okay we hope you're convinced now that God can remove whatever self-will has blocked you off from him If you've already made a decision, meaning that third step in an inventory of your grosser handicaps, you've made a good beginning. Oh my God, like he said earlier, you wrote inventory thinking that you've done all this stuff, you made a beginning. That was it. Made a beginning, the real work starts from this point on. That being so, you swallowed and digested some big chunks of truth about yourself. When we get back from lunch, we're going to talk a little bit more in depth about the fifth step and what that really entails, but that's sort of inventory in a nutshell. We good? Well, the thing is that intellectually none of this makes sense to the newcomer. We can't forget that. But I loved how Dr. Bob put it. This book is not left up to personal interpretation. And remember, we're getting down to causes and conditions of why this newcomer is going back to the drink over and over and again. and the fourth step is all about trying to figure out why their life is so unsatisfactory once they leave the drink aside and the foundation to all of this to all of this work is all based off of this fourth step and the minute I start deviating as a sponsor and walking someone through this and taking away and adding to this process you have put their life in your hand See, my job is just to be the messenger and walk them through this work and get them plugged into God. And the minute I assume God's responsibility and I assume this program's responsibility and I don't agree with how Audrey just perfectly laid out what is a fourth step. Now I've changed everything. And now, God only knows what's going to happen because now I'm not thoroughly following that path that they said rarely would fail. So, unfortunately in these rooms we scare people away by what a fourth step is and unfortunately most people don't even know what a sixth step is because they haven't spent the time and had someone actually lay this out to them. And it's all misconceptions of what keeps someone away from it because it's just moving that noise inside their head down to a blank sheet of paper. And like she said, if they can't get honest with that blank sheet of paper in the content that we want, remember it's not quantity, it's quality. More doesn't mean you have a better chance because it's the garbage in garbage out. As long as I stick to this plan and lay out what they're asking, this person has a fighting chance of surviving one of the deadliest illnesses known to man. alcoholism as we know and that's the greatest part about this i don't have to interpret and come up with ideas of how to save this individual's life as a sponsor all i have to do is know the content convey it to them a monkey with flash cards can do this as long as they stick to the content because all they are what do i do next what did this affect in your life what do I do Next, where did you make mistakes? Were you being selfish while you were drinking on the job? Or weren't you? Who were you thinking about while you Were stealing the money from the job Were you Being dishonest Were you in fear as a result of it If you see it, write it down If you don't, don't Remember that they let us in It's all causes and conditions Of what's taking us back to here And this is the blueprint to the truth And like they said But that being so, we have swallowed and digested some big chunks of truth about yourself. Because the truth will set you free. But until then, it's going to beat you to death. And that's what this fourth step is all about. And everything from here on down from that fourth step is going to be geared off of this foundation right here of how do I get to the truth about what's causing my own destruction. Good job, by the way. All right. So we just rolled out an inventory. We're going to talk a little bit more about this fifth step and then Michael's going to take it. We're also going to be talking about six and seven. So if you follow along in the book, we're on page 72. If you want to play. All right, so on 72 it says, having made our personal inventory, what shall we do about it? We've been trying to get a new attitude, a new relationship with our Creator and to discover the obstacles in our path. We've admitted certain defects, ascertained in a rough way what the trouble is, put our finger on the weak items in our personal inventory. Now these are about to be cast out. This requires action on our part which when completed will mean we have admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our defect. So it's letting me know up front what is the goal? What is it that we're trying to do? I'm trying to get a new attitude, new relationship avec my Creator and to see what has been standing in my way this entire time. We've already agreed that it's self manifested in various ways, and we've been able to see that. So when I sit down with me, God, and a sponsor who's able to See the Truth, something else happens. And I've got that three-legged stool set up in such a way that if I eliminate any of that, it's absolutely going to fall. And there's a reason for that. It says we think we've done well enough in admitting these things to ourselves. There's doubt about that. And don't you think that way sometimes? Well, I see it, so that's good. Now, in actual practice, we usually find a solitary self-appraisal insufficient. Why? A couple of different reasons. One, there's zero humility in me admitting to me what I think I see. Zero humility in that. Two, it will never get me to the truth. It will never give me to specifics because I think all there is to see and I'm wrong until I sit down with somebody else who's able to point those things out. Many of us thought it necessary to go much further. And then they're going to give us a couple reasons of why that is. It says, the best reason first. If we skip this vital step, we may not overcome drinking. It's a pretty good reason. Pretty good. If I haven't gotten it all down honestly on paper and sit down with another human being so that I can see the facts, it's possible that I'm going to pick up a drink again. It's pretty good reasons. And even if I don't and I'm able to maintain for some period of time, I stay in the delusion that I've lived in my entire life. And that bondage itself gets tighter and tighter and titer. It says, time after time newcomers have tried to keep to themselves certain facts about their lives. Anybody else do that? Anybody else in here a hider? I'll let you see what I'm willing to present but I'm going to keep everything else in my back pocket and not let you seen. and they're going to go on to talk about that double life and what that looks like. And sometimes we do that. I want to hide who I really am because why? I've been doing it my entire life. Even though it doesn't work, I wantto continue to do that and what this step is asking me to do is set aside my ego and put it all out there on the table for somebody else to see. It says trying to avoid this humbling experience, they have turned to easier methods. That's the truth. it says they took inventory all right but hung on to some of the worst items in stock they only thought they'd lost their egoism and fear they only fought they had humbled themselves but they had not learned enough of humility fearlessness and honesty here's the key in the sense we find it necessary until they told someone else all their life story right other people can get away with ducking and dodging details and presenting a stage character or half-truth or omitting certain facts but it says in the sense that we find it necessary meaning the recovered alcoholic who wrote this book you don't get well when you do the half measure stuff but it's always the tendency and you see that a lot of times why because half measures works in a lot different areas true anybody else show up for school sort of prepared sort of not and still pass the class show up for work do half-ass of a job and still get it project signed off on there's lots of areas that you can do half measures in step work is not one of them it's just not says the result was nil until i let go absolutely meaning i put forth all the effort and did all the work on the front end more than most people the alcoholic leads a double life now that's what inventory is going to show me is who i've really been not the stage character It says he's very much the actor. To the outer world, he presents his stage character. This is the one he likes his fellows to see. He wants to enjoy a certain reputation but knows in his heart he doesn't deserve it. That is a very isolative place to be, is it not? That I'm all inside myself knowing the truth and I'm presenting any face that you need to see to the rest of the world. With you people, I'm one way. With you People, I am another. With you, I've got a different mask and I know exactly how to play every single one of them. Isn't that why we get here so tired? I think it's because I've been drinking too long. The truth is, I've be running game too long and it takes a lot of energy to pull all those strings and keep all the stories straight and keep people from speaking to one another and putting clues together. It's a lot energy presenting those different stage characters. At the bottom it says, he's under constant fear and tension that makes for more drinking. And guys, let me be clear with you. It's possible to do this in sobriety. This is not just about I'm loaded presenting a stage character and then I sober up and I'm afraid you're going to find out what I've said and done. You can do this sober, present the stage character. How many times do you see people walk in the doors and you say, Hey, haven't seen you in a while. How are you? Fine. Really? Hadn't heard from you in two months. This is your home group. Nobody's seen you. Your sponsor doesn't know where you are and you're fine. Really? But rather than set aside the ego and go, hey been in a bad spot not been well not following no we'll say fine all is well you will stay sick doing that unless you admit what's really going on who you really been at the second at the bottom of page 73 the second reason it says we must be entirely honest with somebody if we expect to live longer happily in this world it didn't say i'm going to come in and dump a fifth step in the middle of a meeting, but I've got to get honest with somebody. Somebody has to know all the facts about who I really am. And that's going to be my sponsor. Why? Because that's the person that understands what I'm driving at. That's theperson that understands what it is that we're trying to accomplish in this fifth step. Now, could I find somebody on the street and tell them everything and share inventory with them? Sure, I could do that, but it's not going to get me to the truth. It won't get me into the specifics. And if I can't get there, it doesn't matter. Like we said earlier, fact finding, fact facing. You've got to have somebody who understands what you're doing. It talks about it being an intimate and confidential step, which means that what happens between me, God, and my sponsor is going to stay at that table, is going to stay in that room and go no further. How selfish of me to repeat something that I hear in a fifth step. Don't do that. It loses its confidentiality. It losses its intimacy just like that. And you'll lose the confidence of that alcoholic that you're trying to help. That's not what it's about. We're not here to share that kind of stuff. It's hard enough to be honest on paper and then with another human being without somebody compromising that, okay? So it talks about telling my story to someone who will understand yet be unaffected. Unaffected meaning not tied to the situation. I'm not going to do a fist up with my mother. I'm Not going to Do One With My Sister. They're affected by the situations and the drama and all those things in my life, and they can't be objective. I'm going to sit down with somebody who has zero ties to that who can show me the truth from an unemotional standpoint, okay? And this is what I'm trying to do. It says the rule is we must be hard on ourselves but always considerate of others. And while we're on this topic, if you've got written inventory, put it up. Put it somewhere. You think they won't go looking for it? Oh no, no. They will look, right? You've been doing some shady weird stuff for a long time. All of a sudden you've Got Paperwork with lots of facts written down. You think they're not going to look for it? They will. They're curious. They're serious. Put it up. I love to get a call from a woman and go, I can't believe he read it. And I'm like, oh honey, I can believe you left it out. Crazy? Put it in your book. Put it out there. Don't burn it, but put it up, okay? All right. So at the bottom it says it's important that he be able to keep a confidence that he fully understand and approve what we are driving at. This is not about confession They've got to understand what it is that we're trying to do. And a sponsor understands that because they've already done inventory with their sponsor and shown the facts about their life, so they understand what It Is That We're Looking For. If you want to do your fifth step also with a member of clergy or whoever, if you feel it necessary to do that, do it. Do it. That's fine. But you've got do it again with somebody else who understands what we're driving at. Does that make sense? There's nothing wrong with doing it, but you've go to get with somebody that will show you the facts on this. Okay. So it says, when we decide who is to hear our story, we waste no time. And we've already got that date set, so we've got them sitting down and they know exactly when we're going to do this. We waste no Time. We have a written inventory and prepared for a long talk. We explain to our partner what we are about to do and why we have to do it. You don't have to explain that to a sponsor because they already know. He should realize we're engaged on a life-and-death errand. The truth is, that's on both ends. The sponsor needs to be here in inventory and working with others because that's what keeps them sober. The protege needs to give in inventory because they're trying to get to the truth, which will get them sober, makes sense? It's on both ends of that's a life-and-death errand. Most people approached in this way will be glad to help. They'll be honored by our confidence. So they've told us when to do it, who to do with, and now they're going to tell us how. We pocket our pride and go to it illuminating every twist of character, every dark cranny of the past. That's how you're going do it. See, I'm a sugarcoater. I'm going to breeze over. Let me stick something in sideways between the conversations so that you don't notice what it is I've just said. That's not what this is about. It's about turning over every stone, uncovering every truth, and examining this so that I can see the reality behind it because I cannot afford to live in delusion any longer. I can't afford it, and I can afford to keep things to myself. And sometimes we want to do that. I'll tell you all this stuff out here. I'll lay it all bare, but I'm going to keep those one or two things that you don't need to know about to myself. And I promise you, your secrets are not worth your sobriety. They're just not. And there's really not a whole lot you can say to shock a sponsor. I mean, I've heard some things that are way out there. They are what they are. I've said some thingsthat are way up here. They arewhattheyare. There was no answer. I was waiting for something. It was that I needed to get it up off of me. she needed to hear it we've said it in the presence of God now we're moving on and the truth is those that sickness that you're trying to cling to so tight to your chest if you'll lay it bare it'll be for somebody else and that's pretty cool that's pretty cool those things that I never ever want to speak out loud and I for sure don't want to say in front of another person guarantee you they will be effective for somebody else and until you have that experience it doesn't sound like that would be the truth but it absolutely is. So, I've sat down with a sponsor. We've looked at fourth column. I've seen how my fears are driving me. We kind of went through that when we looked at four-step inventory but what I've got to see really is self will run riot. And later on in the book it talks about my selfish and inconsiderate habits is what kept my home and you can fill in every area of my life in turmoil because the delusion is it's about the bourbon and if I can quit drinking I can stop the drama and the chaos, and the problem is really not the bourbon. Right? See, I think that if I can set this stuff down, then everything's going to be fine, but the problem ist I'm self-will run riot drunk or sober. And that's the truth about who we are. So if Ican see this, then I can understand even more the importance, more of the necessity of why I made that third step decision. Why do I need access to that power? Because I don't know how to live sober. That's the problem. So, the fifth step promises is something that doesn't get talked about a whole lot. It's some of my favorite stuff. It says once we have taken this step with holding nothing, we are delighted. It didn't say that we were delighted with what we saw. Because what I saw was a host of defects that were not great. I didn't look at that and go, oh my God, I'm so excited that I'm so manipulative and so selfish and so jealous. No. oh, I wasn't delighted with what I saw, but I was delighted to see the truth from somebody that's been drunk for a long time running from the facts and the truth to see it all black and white and you couldn't negate it any longer. That's where that comes from. And nobody died. My sponsor didn't judge me. She didn't pass out. It wasn't the drama that I made it in my mind. And the freedom begins to seep in. He says we can look the world in the eye. Anybody else spend a lot of time shuffling around looking at their boots, can't look you in the eye because I'm afraid you'll see right through me. The ability to look at people, connect with people and be okay, even briefly, my God, we can be alone at perfect peace and ease. Our fears fall from us. We begin to feel the nearness of our creator. We may have had certain spiritual beliefs but now we begin to have a spiritual experience. Because you know what? Some of you come in here having had some experience with God, having had a relationship with God. Having had a concept that worked but you didn't have access to it. So now we're shifting gears from the belief in God that you had before you got here to the access of the power of God. These are very different things. And those of you that have had no experience with god, no relationship, no concept, now we begin to have an experience that we've never touched before. So it doesn't matter where you come in on that scale, the point is it's going to shift gears. The feeling that the drink problem has disappeared will often come strongly. We feel we're on the broad highway walking hand-in-hand with the spirit of the universe. Now I'm not saying that every single one of these is going to come true immediately, effective having closed the book and finished your fifth step, but they come true. Some of them may come on stronger for some of you in different parts, but the point isthey all develop. They all come to fruition. Be alone at perfect peace and ease. Do you remember that? Some of you that have been through the work and it's been a minute since you've had a drink, do you remember that? Couldn't be alone at perfectly peace and easy without the mind shatter. Couldn't shut it down long enough, always having to turn the radio up, always haven't had the TV, always have something because you couldn't just be. Trying to explain this to a newcomer that this is what this is going to be like they will never know until they do it and have the experience of being able to be at home and not have to have something going 100 miles an hour and can just sit and be still I remember in early sobriety and people would say things like just be you just need to be and I thought you are high what are you talking how can I just be because I couldn't stand to be in my own mind now all of a sudden I've gotten clear on some things and is the more that gets cleared out from me it opens up the gap for more of the power of God to flow in but I sure didn't understand that when I did it I came in with a papers some inventory shaken sitting down with a sponsor seeing some things about myself that were not great that was the experience and then she showed me the truth and I went oh my god now I know what I'm working with. Now I can see the facts. So it's going to show up how it shows up on you. Your fifth step will be what it's gonna be, but it's not something to be fretted over and to be feared. And a lot of times we're trying to scare the newcomer about doing this fourth and fifth step. If you do it like the book outlines, just the simplicity, the facts, the truth, you can walk away free because if you go into this deal with the idea of I'm willing to see anything that's there. Then you can accept responsibility and walk away. If you go in justifying, wanting to tell the back story. And as a sponsor, you better figure it out quick. The more they talk, the less they're hearing. You want to talk about one of the resentments and they're trying to give you the details and the preface and the back history and the you don't understand and this is the situation and shut them down. Shut them down because if they can't see the truth, they will never get free and do the details really matter not really not really and when when you need to slide down to that fourth column and see the truth because that's what's important and they want to spend a lot of time in the first three columns and that's not where it's at the freedom is in seeing the truth does that make sense what do you got on the fifth step i know you got lots of fun stuff well i'll look at it as a sponsorship because they said that you know there were some qualifications for you sitting as a sponsor and listening to someone's best stuff and instead of you understanding the proof of what the first 100 are driving at and that you don't change their plan you have to meet that qualification right there well i keep hearing that the newcomers got to hear their truth if they don't hear their truths what it's great but someone please fill me in on what that truth is well if you remember me going through that third step and I kind of glazed over pagan and I said the newcomer is not going to see it they're going to seen it in everyone else well the truth about their resentments is page 62 sometimes they hurt us seemingly without provocation but we invariably find that at some time in the past, we have made decisions based on self-inflicted places and a position to be hurt. The truth. Were they the victim or were they not? Bill's resentment at his employer. His boss may have been unjust overbearing and threatening to fire him, but did he put himself in a position of being hurt by drinking on the job and stealing? Absolutely. That's the truth? Is Bill the victim in this that he's just got a lousy boss? No. He created this. I'll give you another example. How about someone coming to you and something bad happened to them as a child? As it happened to him as a child, were they the victim? That's a great question. Absolutely. I grew up in an alcoholic family. I have vivid recollections of being four years old in the middle of a war zone. of emotional and physical abuse. Did I ask for that to happen? Sign up to be in that family? Did I place myself in a position to be heard? No. But here's where some details are important. Because as a sponsor, you need to listen. Because what they say can and will be used against them in this fifth step. Because me acting a fool at 32 years old, going this is why I get to act the way I'm acting because my dad was horrible up until I was 12 years old and treated everyone in the house just horribly and that's why I did that. I get the act of fool at 42 years old when my dad's been sober since 1976. 36. Now, am I being selfish? Am I being dishonest? Absolutely. Am I using it as a weapon? Absolutely See now I'm getting to the truths about these resentments. The truths about the fears. What is the truth? How well has your self-reliance been able to solve your problem? How many bad decisions did you make as a result of a fear? Anybody made some really bad decisions based on fear? As a sponsor walking someone through a fear inventory, my job is to look at their self- reliance and look at what they do because you know what? The truth about a fear is not what you do. What are we praying for in a fear Perhaps there's a better way. It's not about what you do as self-reliant. It's about who are you going to be during this fear?