Step 11 and Spiritual Pride – FOTS Step 11 Workshop – Part 17 of 25 – Judith R.

hear me okay good yeah okay thank you so much teresa you are hysterical and what i have to laugh about is because at one point in time i cut my hair and banged and i got teased non-stop about being uh the the serene whatever her name was xena yeah brought back good memories i'm never doing that again anyway thank you love you lots thank you so much for asking me to uh participate in your meeting um you have no idea the tailspin you put me in when you invited me and then you said i had to pick out one little thing from step 11 either from the big book or from the 12 and 12. and that for me is like an impossible task and uh as you know we went back and forth a lot of times i would have had a whole paragraph or something written out there but i settled on what uh is on the flyer but i want to start um first of all i guess i should say i'm judith and i'm an alcoholic and my sobriety date is january the 19th 2009. i am very very grateful to be able to participate in your meeting tonight and to participate my own sobriete so um yeah back to step 11 i get too enthusiastic and want to jump into all that right away um the where that little uh phrase comes from that that Teresa just read comes from page 98 in the 12 and 12 and I want to read if you don't mind the whole paragraph and it says there is a direct linkage among self-examination meditation and prayer taken separately these practices can bring much relief and benefit but when they are logically related and interwoven the result is an unshakable foundation for life now and then we may be granted a glimpse of that ultimate reality which is god's kingdom and we will be comforted and assured that our own destiny in that realm will be secure for so long as we try however faltering to find and do the will of our own creator and um oh i love step 11 and and that paragraph really kind of sums it up sums a lot up for me and holds a lot of truth for me and I want to also read something that is not conference approved okay I just read what my goal is what I strive for now I want to read you a tiny little thing that describes my natural default position and it comes from Kierkegaard and it says it is the normal state of the human heart to try to build its identity around something besides God spiritual pride is the illusion that we are competent to run our own lives achieve our own sense of self-worth and find a purpose big enough to give us meaning in life without god you try to put anything in the middle of the place that was originally made for god it is going to be too small it is going to rattle around in there that is that is me in a nutshell and that is my life and that That is why I'm so grateful for step 11 because it gives me a very specific design for living that makes it possible for me to fill that empty void within me. It makes it impossible for me, to stop trying to build my self-worth and my identity around nothing other than me and it plugs me in in such a way that has brought not just relief but true recovery on a daily basis if I do it so part of my daily program is a strong practice of step 11 and step 11 I have been taught sits on these three pillars that is it that's in the quote on the on the flyer that was read by Teresa and those three pillars are prayer meditation and self examination and it helps me remember what i have to do it reminds me uh who i be on a daily basis by using all three not just one and like i read in the 12 and 12 taking set taken those things three things taken separately does bring relief and and it has great benefits but together interwoven it's like that's where get rocketed into the fourth dimension so prayer just I think definitions are important and I keep these definitions in my book but for me prayer involves having a relationship to what that power is that I'm praying to it involves emotion and energy my meditation a lot of times there I hear I was just this way as well there's a lot misconception and fear around meditation but simply put for me the goal is to get to have an intense focused concentration on the now and and I do that by many different ways i practice many forms of meditation and i don't have time to go into them right now but i want to have focused and an intense concentration right here right now my sponsor always comes up to me and goes right in front of my face just and the point is is judah get in between those claps right there and that's my goal that's intense focused presence in the now right here right now it also I find creates a sacred space that I need that pause in which I can sense my higher power see my ego is It's always fighting to control my mind. And the main tool that my ego uses is fear, there's a lot going on. And if I get stuck in my head, I cannot get in that pause. I cannot create that sacred space, that sacred stillness that I need in meditation. Inventory that we do in step 11 for me raises the level of my consciousness. It allows me to become more aware and I get to wake up spiritually it helps me become a person that is spiritually led rather than emotionally driven as i have always been in my life uh driven by my feelings and the big book talks about driven by a hundred forms of fear and selfishness and self you know all the resentment all these emotions all these feelings and i'm driven emotionally by these things and in step 11 the inventory allows me to be spiritually led rather than emotionally driven so all three of those interwoven as the 12 and 12 said allows me um to to have this amazing experience on a daily basis but especially inventory now I want to focus a little bit on inventory because inventory is where is what grows humility within me which I believe according to what is written in our literature is the greatest spiritual safeguard that I can have it must be for me the central topic the central theme subject the central foundation foundational principle of my personal life because without some degree of humility I will not stay sober as Bill W says none of us will without some degree of humility and I certainly won't be of any use at all because I'm consumed with self so I found that this inventory allows me to develop more of of this precious quality of humility. And if I don't do it, I don' have much chance of living a truly happy or peaceful or meaningful life. And I will always be driven by self-will and selfishness, self-centeredness and self-reliance. I have found that self always fails. And when it fails, the end result for me is always self-loathing or I try to overcompensate with pride and both are equally destructive to me. So my pride in my ego has always prevented me from seeing and accepting the reality of my condition, which is caused by me. How I always arrive in my current condition if I'm miserable. And step 11 shows me what steps I've got to take to change that current condition. so step 11 the prayer the meditation and the self-examination or inventory that was referred to linked together by you know in the 12 and 12 allows me to practice and genuinely walk or I like to say live in humility and I do that perfectly imperfect and and on any given day it looks you know some days it looks okay and other days it doesn't but the prayer and like I said the prayer meditation they both allow me to be still especially in meditation and and it's important and step 11 says prayer and meditation and so often i hear uh it shared in meetings that i don't do meditation i'm not good at meditation uh i don'T know how to do meditation and and that's and and so they don't they quit and they give up i was like that at the beginning I started meditating you know three minutes a day but if we ignore it and we ignored that and instead of 11 we miss out on so much yes we may get relief from prayer but we're not interweaving all three of these things that our foundation is built on but meditation especially as I mentioned allows me to be still I get to slow down I get the pause I get to open up that sacred space I get quiet in that sacred stillness and I get it to listen and to get more awareness at what's underneath it comes to me after I do my inventory as well what I rationalize what I defend my ego is so good at that excusing justifying defending rationalizing and I find it takes a lot of courage for me to do that because I run from responsibility I run from the pain of seeing the truth about how I'm showing up in life I've run from admitting that I've made a mistake that I am wrong one of the hardest things for me to admit that I'm wrong I've made a mistake and I run from that I run from any pain I run suffering but I find you know in in that it also allows me in this quiet sacred space and stillness I I find a measure of grace and compassion as well and so I've come to treasure it and long for it if I miss it I feel that something's missing in my day I get this divine dissatisfaction I want more and more there's never enough it's not easy for me to practice this on a daily basis the prayer the meditation and the inventory because I am an undisciplined irresponsible immature and childish individual but I've learned that I appreciate the results and the results have been so good that it compels me further to seek more that divine dissatisfaction I want more it's like in the big book talking about mining that miner that strikes gold and you know the more he minds the the more I get so step 11 allows me to do the hard work I consider it hard because it addresses things I don't want to see or acknowledge or change But it allows me to raise my consciousness, consciously make contact with this power. And by doing all three, I notice what is going on in my life. And I think all three, as they talk about in the 12 and 12, where I just read, they're interwoven because without the quietness and the stillness of meditation, without the practice of humility in prayer, acknowledging what my role is in life and what my higher power's role is. I can't even get willing to do the inventory. So all three are so vital for me on a daily basis. I need to know what's going on. I need to change what I read from Kierkegaard my default position of trying to establish my own identity around anything other than my higher power, around anything, other than these spiritual principles. I honestly find that prayer and meditation are easier than inventory like I said because I cling to my way me mine and more is what matters to you know me in my default position so the inventory brings that to the surface and it's got to be brought to the surface so that I become aware of it I thought I can see it for what it is it becomes objectionable to me and then I can be willing to let my higher power transform it remove it or transform it but the catch 22 for me is is I want the relief you know just the prayer or just the fun meditation I want relief and I want really from the consequences of my actions the pain might the bondage of self and the big mess I make of my life and I so often miss out on the cure the real cure of recovery so the step 11 inventory allows me to get honest and admit that there's a significant part of me that still doesn't want to change I still want what I want my way and it reveals to me when I'm in this this catch-22 but it only reveals it to me if I want to see it the one thing that I've found is that there are times that I do do the inventory and I can I can check the boxes I can you know say I did it I've done my step 11 and it's more of a box checking and I found that Doing my Step 11 like that is nothing more than another way that I am delusional or dishonest with myself. What I mean by that is that doing my step 11 inventory in such a way as to just say done or check the boxes, not really being aware, not being present with the prayer meditation is a fantasy if I don't also consider the corrective actions that I've got to take. And then if I do consider the corrective actions I've got to take, but don't take them. It's just simply a fantasy. Step 11 inventory I have been taught is constructive rather than the deconstructive inventory of step four. right that tears me get it out get that inventory out get rid of it and scrape all that junk and poison out and it's it's a discarding destructive process and step 11 inventory is constructive and it requires me to to take what i find in the inventory questions and make it a matter of spiritual business not just a checklist it's it's not always easy for me because the one and my sponsor my sponsors favorite one and least favorite one of the inventory questions in step 11 is what was I kind and loving toward all and it's not always easy for me to to look at and once looked at you know and it warns us in step eleven not to sink in morbid into morbid self-reflection and it easy for me to do because was i kind and loving to all no it's not a day that i'm kind and loving to oh and so i can either beat myself up sink into morbid self-reflection or avoid the question avoid doing it or just know i was not and move on but the whole um inventory if i don't do it in a constructive way and actively for me think of ways that i can tomorrow what baby steps what action steps that can i take in this situation if this happens again or something similar what corrective measures can i take tomorrow in order to grow into a more kind and loving person so over the years you know I've done it both ways I've done it at a checklist so that I can tell my sponsor I'm doing it I've done it so when I started experiencing problems and I'm like oh I better get back to it or I better do it I can do it as a checklist but really when we are reading uh in the the paragraph in the 12 and 12 when it talks about um if we do them all three of them and have them related and interwoven the result is an unshakable foundation for life i that's what i'm looking for an unshakable foundation when things are really good because that sometimes is more dangerous for me but also when life happens a good friend of mine uh uses the phrase what's coming to your neighbor's door is coming to your door. That's life. Whether it's loss of job, whether it's illness, whether it's divorce, whether its loss of a loved one. Life is life and what's coming to my neighbor's door is going to come to my door and I need an unshakable foundation to handle these things. in the quote that I read from Kierkegaard it's so funny that on a daily basis my spiritual pride tries to convince me does convince me often that I can run my own life and it tells me that if I have good intentions I meant to i didn't mean to or if i say that i have a you know this strong desire to change that that is enough in life i'm trying is what i always used to say to my sponsor when really that only meant that i say i want to do something or that i have intentions but if you'd look at my actions you you can see that there ain't very much trying going on because it's not it's not backed up by any action and if i don't take action on the inventory if i don't take action on what is being raised in my consciousness it's not going to have the desired results I pretend that simply giving these issues a nod in my inventory is all that's required did it are you doing your step 11 yep doing my step 11. but that's not that is that's not all that's required of me if i want the promises that that are listed in the 12 and 12. i have to make it a part of a serious spiritual business and that means taking action on what i find in my inventory not just saying oh there it is again there it is again, there it again but again constructively looking at it and and asking myself and spending time in meditation about what action steps can i take to practice the opposite of what i am finding not focusing on what i'm finding but practicing the opposite and also to take it to prayer interweaving all three finding it in my inventory sitting in contemplation and meditation and and corrective measures come to me humbling myself in prayer asking for the strength to do god's will and to carry it out all interwoven it takes energy and effort on my part but the results are amazing this step 11 has such strong spiritual content and and with tons of common sense it's practical super easy instructions to follow it i mean as the same i have a friend also the same one actually i guess i'm quoting kent tonight but um uh good friend of theresa's but he he says just read the black words on the white page in the blue book and step 11 is so simple they give us step by step instructions very easy to follow but so often very neglected by myself and some of my sponsors and in my opinion more than any other time in history maybe maybe in my history not in the history of the world but my limited history we desperately i desperately need the practice of inventory prayer and meditation all three interwoven it is vital for me to to create that sacred space and listen in that sacred silence because in my life today, I'm inundated with noise and fear and worldly clamors on a daily basis. It's easy for me when I listen to that noise, when I don't do the meditation, when I don't go to bed, when it's time to go to sleep, when I'm not doing the prayer, when I don' t do the inventory, I become very afraid, angry, anxious, depressed, stressed out. Once again, I start hustling for worthiness because I have nothing else and once again I'm back to that Kierkegaard quote about trying to create some sense of worth and some sense of how do I find meaning and value in this life. My life becomes an expression of self-centered motives rather than inner freedom. a few people on here that live near me very closely to me they see me on a daily basis and they get to see how I show up on a daily basis the dudes at the 801 house they've seen me hopefully sometimes at my best and often at my worst when I start buying into that fear and noise Step 11, the prayer, the meditation, the inventory slowly unmasks the illusion of myself. And I get to discover the truth about myself if, if I want to see it. Step 11, prayer reminds me all through the day, the multiple prayers that are given to me what my role is and what my higher power's role is and my step 11 meditation allows me to listen to the voice of the divine like I like to say all the time who spoke to me before I could speak a word who healed me before i could make any gesture to help anyone else who set me free long before i could help free others and who loved me long before I could give love to anyone it's kind of hard to wrap up exactly what step 11 prayer meditation and self-examination mean to me and do for me and you know I could talk to you and I do talk to my sponsors for hours about these things there's so much written richness and I find that the longer that I practice it seems as though the richer it gets yes but I get to experience how little I know how dependent I am and I get to experience the immense gratitude for this design from living that's been given to me by all of you and I want to thank you for giving it to me