Soul Sickness – FOTS Step 11 Workshop – Part 11 of 25 – Afsi V

My name is Afsi and I'm a grateful recovered alcoholic. It's an honor and a privilege to be here and I am definitely nervous. There's a lot of people here. I'm just trying to stay on this one page and just pretend there's nobody else. It helps, but truly it's an honour. I'm excited to be hier to share with you this power that I call God in my life and the miracles that God has done for me. And the fact that it has actually taken me from the gates of death and brought me to a life that I never, never ever dreamed that I would have. And that is the truth. And if you're new, I welcome you. Welcome, really welcome because this is where life starts. This is where Life Started For Me. This could be the new chapter in your life. And if You're struggling, I hope I say something that will give you some kind of hope um, I remember when I first came into the rooms and, and, and I heard people talking about God and talking about sobriety and, you know, none of it made sense. And when people said they were grateful, it was like, what are you kidding me? What are you grateful for? But I get it now, you know? And I am so grateful. I'm grateful to be here with all of you. And, and I always say this, we all come from different walks of life and there's a lot of us here. Um, But I connect with each and every one of you because we all suffer from that same soul sickness. And so, I'm here to share with you about God's power in my life and how I've come to know this God in my life. And so I'm going to tell you a little bit about my story first and how it unravels into my life. So I, as you all know, I'm married to Ali and he's probably set a very high bar. A lot of you haven't heard me speak before and I don't talk nearly as much as Ali does. So lower that bar a little. So I'm also from Iran, much like my husband. I was born there and we lived there until I was about seven years old with my mom and dad. And I have an older sister and a brother, and my younger sister was actually just, she was just born when we left Iran. But what happened is that when I, at seven years old, my life sort of just turned upside down. There was a revolution in Iran. And I don't know if any of you know, but back then there was a king and a queen and the Shah of Iran and the queen. And my father was very closely affiliated with the Shah at that time. And when the revolution started, things just went south and our lives just kind of turned upside down. And at one point there was they threw a tear gas into our house and it just it got really ugly. And they were after my father to sort of anybody who had anything to do with the king, they wanted to take and execute and put them away. And so we were on the run for a while. and actually so this went on for a couple of years and things got pretty scary and then the war between Iran and Iraq also broke out a couple of years after that and that was pretty scary. I remember being so fearful as a child, as a seven-year-old and watching next door neighbor's house blowing up and Iraqis are bombing the city and pretty scary stuff and eventually we came to a point that we had to escape from Iran. They were either going to capture my father and execute him or we had TO escape. So we did, we escaped and we went from the border of Iran to Turkey. And my little sister was just a toddler. She was on a backpack on my father. And we went on quite a journey. We went through mountains and slept in caves and they stole everything that we had on the way and we were on horses and it was just, it was, it was quite, quite the story. And you know, I'm telling you this because I just want to tell you about my, my story. It's my story and it's where I come from. It doesn't necessarily make me an alcoholic. My, my brother went through the same things. My sister went throughthe same thing. It didn't make them an alcoholic who alcoholism to me is, is a soul sickness, as I already said. And it's like an emptiness and And it's a God hole that I've always carried through my life and that I have tried to fill with whatever I could get my hands on, um, eventually. Um, so that's what it is for me and it's definitely a progressive disease and it, it was definitely progress. It definitely progressed in my life. Um, and, uh, so basically going back to, to, um. My story we, so we escaped from Iran movement to Turkey and then from Turkey, we stayed there for a little while. And my father was also very well known in the karate world. He was the founder of karate in Iran, and he had some connections in France, and the Karate Federation of France invited us to go to France. And we went to France,and we literally went there with our suitcases and no money and nowhere to sleep, no food, and we were living quite poorly for a while. And my grandmother, who lived in the U.S., reached out and helped us. And we stayed with some of her friends. And we just basically built our lives and started our lives from scratch in Paris. That is where I spent about eight years of my life. And eventually, we came to Canada. So when I guess I was in my early teens when we came to Canada and drinking for me, I started dabbling in it when I was in high school. And you know, guys, it was fun for many, many years to come. It didn't take a toll on me. But it definitely was, as I said, progressive for me. And so high school, I started dabbling into it. And when I was in my early, early 20s, it started to really pick up and I actually started bartending. And at that point, I was like a kid in a candy store. I remember just loving that whole scene and just falling so nicely into it. And, you know, it picked up really fast for me. And I just felt at home there, you Know, just I love that whole thing. And just drinking. And first, I started three days a week, and then it became a full time thing and then on my days off i was drinking and then before you know it it was just it had become my life um and um i was also i know this is alcoholics anonymous i have a lot of respect for alcoholics unanimous uh but my story does include outside issues as well and for a very long time my nickname was coca hontas and you know and and what what that allowed me to do was was drink more you know it uh it allowed me to not fall on my face and you know just nights were longer and days were longer and it was just it just kept me going and uh it just took me to a whole different level of ugly and uh and uh I'm glad actually that I did that because I may have never found myself in these rooms I'm proud that it took me there uh but uh so this continued um And drinking was, drinking and using was my everything. Like I just, I didn't, you know, and the first few years it was a social thing, but after a few years, it started to lose the social aspects and it startedto become smaller and it became, started to become behind closed doors and I was drinking alone and it was an everyday thing. I didn' t know what to do. I didn''t know how to cope without it. It was it was part of everything. And it started to take destroy relationships around me. And I remember that I just I would look at I was I was getting darker and sadder inside and I didn't really know. And I was way I was very, very far from knowing what was what was wrong with me or that I had a disease of alcoholism or anything. I still had many more years. That's the thing about alcoholism is that it's if you're done, if it's not done with you, it's Not Done With You, you have so much left. So this continued on for for, I don't know, a few more years, until my life was very, very getting really ugly and dark. And I remember at one point looking at people that, that were happy, and they were laughing, and they had families and here I was like still stuck in this thing. And I just couldn't, you know, I couldn't get out of it. I don't want to talk too much about how ugly things were, but just to draw a picture for you. You know, it was, I'm sure a lot of you have experienced that. I would like to spend time talking about the power of God in my life rather than the ugliness of my dark days. But, you Know, it Was A Lot Of Sleepless Nights Behind Closed Doors, feeling suicidal um you know it's i've been you know i'm an alcoholic so i put i put a drink in me i'm not done until it's the allergy kicks in and i have to keep consuming until i'm done with everything so if i'm behind closed doors i could go on for days until i am out of everything and i'm suicidal and the sun is coming out and i want to just kill myself and i can't handle I hated the sun. Because I just, I remember hating the sun and the birds. And I just wanted it to be dark and raining. I wanted it to Be the way that I felt inside. And so I remember at one point, I, I decided that, you know, like, I have to get away from this life. And i want to be married and I want to be a housewife. And so I had met some crazy guy in an after hours and him and I decided to take off together and we went to California. And of course, when you're not in your right mind, you're going to only attract another lunatic to you, right? Like attracts like. So you can only imagine what it was like, the two of us. So I left my family and moved out to California and I said, no, really. And I really meant it from the bottom of my heart that I really, I'm gonna, I want to be a good girl. And I don't want to live this way anymore. And I wantto have kids and a family and, and,and I really meant it, you know, uh, and I took off and I told my family, see you later. And, uh I'm going to be all right. So I went out to California only to, you Know, the only thing was that I took myself with me. So it was, it was craziness. I I mean, I had within a couple of days, drug dealers were throwing drugs up in my balcony. I hit the bottle. It was drinking was my solution for many, many years, right? It was it was what allowed me to breathe and without it, I couldn't function. And so when when people would tell me, put it away or it's not good for you and you really should, you know, it just was like, why are you going to take the air that I breathe? What am I going to do? Are you kidding me? you know it was it was my solution and and and actually you know when I came into to these rooms I I actually thought that you know you know drinking was my problem and and I didn't know that actually drinking was not it was My Solution for a long time and it stopped working it that's what happened for me right my my my problem is my brain it's my thinking that's my problem um so anyhow um that when i was out in california that ended in a disaster and i and i hit a pretty ugly bottom um i wasn't led to aa yet i still had many few years ahead of me but i did come back crawling back to toronto with my tail between my legs and i i moved back in with my parents i was in my early 30s and uh i remember my father uh looking at me and and saying what's wrong with you? You know, and I didn't know what to say to him. Because I didn'T know what was wrong with me. Why is it that friends that I that I've had their, you know, their lives are together and they're married and they have careers and they've gone to university and they do all these things with themselves? And what's up with me? Why don't you know what is wrong with me? I don't know. Why are collection agencies after me? why am I broke? Why am I living with my parents why do I not know what to do myself and why the only thing that I can do is go and grab that bottle of booze you know and go into oblivion that's that's it that's all I could do so um I left my parents house because uh it was too difficult for me to to look at my dad and he was look at me with disappointment and I had so much remorse and guilt and I moved in with my brother, which wasn't much better. And he wouldn't really let me drink the way that I wanted to. So I ended up going back to bartending and I got myself a little rat hole of an apartment and oh, it was just disastrous. I had a few years of hell in that place. I remember I had this waterbed and one rough night when I was all sketched out, the waterbed broke and there was water all over my, Oh my God, it was just what a disaster. Um, this went on for another few years. And, uh, so how I found myself in the rooms, ironically was there was a girl that I used to drink and party with. And her name was Krista and she had been, she had come to, to AA and she talked to me about Alcoholics Anonymous and, and, um, you know, So here I am sitting in my, uh, sitting on my high horse and I'm like, Hmm, well, my life is so terrible, but this kind of sounds like a con, you know, like a cult or something. And she's like, no, no. You really should come with me. And, uh. So she planted that seed for me and it took about three months until I remember, uh until I was ready for my first meeting. So I'm going to just fast forward and get to the first time that I really deeply from the bottom of my heart fell to my knees and prayed, right? So I had been behind closed doors by myself because that's the only way that I like to drink and do whatever I wanted to do. It was, I didn't talk. I just would drink and smoke and just be. and um it's pretty horrifying but I'm sure a lot of you can relate to that right so four four days into it I'm out of everything and um and I'm and the sun is coming out and I'm shaking and I I'm walking around my apartment and I'M SUICIDAL I JUST I'M DONE WITH MYSELF I'M JUST DONE I'MDONEWITHTHISLIFE I'MDAWNWITHTHEDARKNESS I'MJUST a ball of fear inside me and i don't want to live anymore i really don't want to leave anymore and i fell to my knees and i prayed for my soul and i said help me if you're out there whatever is out there please help me i don' t want to live this way anymore and I can't do this on my own i just i felt like you have to take me and you have lock me up you have to put me in a room and lock the door and just because I can't control these feet and I can control what I'm doing. I just don't, I don't. And I, something miraculous happened in that moment when I prayed that day. And that was the first time that I prayed like that, that one week later, I went to my first meeting. And ironically, actually the first speaker that I heard is Butch, who's my husband's sponsor. and if you guys know butch i'm sure most of you do you know how powerful he is imagine hearing that your first speaker right so i sat in that meeting and tears were just coming down my face i just i didn't know that there was other people out there like me i for the first time i i knew that i was not alone and i heard his story and it just was it was it Was amazing um that that seed was deeply planted for me that day. And believe it or not, even after that I walked out of there, but the disease was still not done with me yet. It's like this disease has to chew you up a thousand different ways and spit you out. And you have to bang your head so badly on the wall to surrender. I wasn't there yet, even After all that. So I left that meeting that day and I went back out. And that summer, I remember just waking up shaky one needing to drink to quiet my nerves and to be able to function and my feet are walking me to the liquor store, my fingers are dialing my dealer and I didn't want to but I had no control. I had no solution at that time. It was my, it was my air that I was breathing. Um, after that, that summer, um, I, um. I just, I just had a, I reached my bottom. I reached my bottom and I, I remember it was another huge bender that I had. And, um there was a woman at that, there was a woman that I had, who was it? There was somebody that I was speaking with. And she just told me to go to, she told me To go to a meeting and I and I found myself in, I went to the primary purpose group in Toronto. I had nothing left in my life. I basically was, I had my head down. I couldn't look up at people anymore. I had demolished everything in my life. I was flat broke. I have nothing left in me. No relationships. Nobody wanted to speak with me. I no friends, my family wanted nothing to do with me, I have nowhere else to go. So I turned and I just went there. And I went and I opened up my ears. I walked into this meeting. And I remember people greeting me all bright eyed and bushy tailed. And it was a little annoying at that time. But I went in and they welcomed me and I sat my tushy down and I just sat and listened. And in the beginning, they told me to pray because I had now been out there for nearly 20 years, drunk high or hungover every day, never had a, like I couldn't string two hours together of being sober. So what they say to me is just pray, okay? So my concept of God at that point was not at all my concept, of the God that I have in my life right now. But in the beginning, that worked for me, you know? So I got on my knees and I just, that's all I did. Simple as that. I just said, please help me to stay sober just for one day. And it worked. It actually worked. Like one day I didn't have to drink and at night say thanks that's all I had to do in the beginning and I did that for the first few months all I did was get up in the morning and say please help me stay sober and one day turned to two days turned to three days and I couldn't believe it I mean that that fog was lifting and I was able to see some light and um I hadn't felt that way and I don't know when it was incredible. And, and I did the to do things, you know, I got a sponsor, I joined that group, I started to work the steps. And I started, I decided to have a transformation in my life. Those those were the early miracles, you now of prayer that I saw with God, and it was it was unbelievable. So I, as I said, I was I did The To Do Things which which we need to do was started to go through all the steps and get a sponsor. And my life started to really repair itself. And I started repairing relationships around me, my family was talking to me, I got on my feet sort of financially, I actually started a business. And I got I was, I was within about eight, nine months, I felt like it was a complete different person. And whoo, it was it was crazy, the transformation that I had in this short period of time. Um, and the fact that it happened so short, um, was a little, my ego started to kind of feed on a little bit because I, so here's the thing with this program is that when you take your foot off the gas and you're, you're you take yourself well back and you are not aware that you are doing. So it's a very scary, scary place. And I definitely experienced that because I took my foot off gas a little. I wasn't working the program as much as I'm supposed to. and I was like, oh, you know, I'm very important now. Don't you know I have a business and I don't have time to meet with my sponsor and I do not have time to work with sponsors as much and go to as many meetings and it started to lie to me. I started to rationalize which is what my disease does and so I was at nine months sober and I remember at that time I had also met somebody who was not in the program and he would drink in front of me. And I didn't tell him when I was alcoholic. And at first, it didn't bother me. We'd go to dinner and he would drink his wine in front of me. At first, that didn't bother me at all. But after a few times, I was getting a little bit like, okay. And my alcoholism was talking to me. Before you know it, I found myself at a party with glass of wine in my hand. Just cunning, baffling, powerful. That's how my disease is, right? After everything that I had gone through and finding, coming into the program, getting sober, bringing God into my life and, you know, and veering away from it. That's what happened to me. So this actually was a slow progression that continued for five years. I was out there for five years and some people end up on a park bench when they go out within a week. For me, it wasn't like that it was a very very slow increase and trying to control it and control try thinking that I'm controlling it but it's controlling me but it definitely had me out for five years and then I found myself back on my knees and I didn't necessarily lose the things around me like I still had my business but I was dying from the inside so after five years I was after five years I was just as devastated and um I was spiritually bankrupt and I was just a dead soul inside I was like I was done I was done with it and uh my sponsor now who is my sponsor Heather A I had met her um in the program and she's she was always my soldier sister in the program um I remember she uh having a conversation with her. I had fallen down on my knees and I, and I had another bender and I told her I'm suicidal. And I think that I'm one of those people that just not, not going to get this thing. You know, it talks about it in the big book. I'm not capable of getting this program. And she said, no, that's not true. You got to keep going. God is going to help you. And so I went back in. So that was 10, almost 10 and a half years ago that day. I walked into actually was the same primary purpose group it was a Monday afternoon the light the the sun was shining I had on my big shades and I was shaking and I wanted to kill myself and I as I was going into the meeting I saw an elderly lady sitting outside and she she's she saw the pain in my face and she said to me uh she said come sit beside me and uh and I sat beside her and she sat to me you know God is God is gracing you and giving you his hand take it and when she said that in that moment something happened and I realized that this is it if I don't do this if I Don't Take God's Hand I'm gonna end up dying there is no other way and I was done with my ways so I walked into that room and I picked up my, my chip. And by God's grace, I have not felt the desire to drink or use since then. By God's grâce. I dove into this work. I did the to do things I joined, I joined a home group, I signed the Hill Group, I was going to two meetings a day at that time, I did what I had to do. I shut my mouth. I opened my ears. I threw in the towel and I said, show me, tell me I'll do it. I'll be done with this. I can't live like this anymore. The gift of desperation. Ain't it beautiful? I had that. It's a beautiful thing. And I started to work these steps and these beautiful steps that we've been given. And I had a spiritual experience as a result of working these beautiful steps, I started to realize that I am responsible for most of the things that happened to me in my life. And that my whole life, I've been blaming the outside and others. And that finger was pointed right back to me. Right? I get to I get to do this inventory and to clear up the air and to put away fear resentment you know work on my character defects what a beautiful thing right and to be able to open the door more for God you know God is always there God has always been there God is Always Shining On Us but the only thing standing between us and God for me it was just my stuff that had a big curtain pulled and when I started, when at first I had that gift of desperation, when I just invited God and just a little bit. And I, and I broke that wall down by doing the rest of the steps. It's, it's action, right? It's action on my part that invited God into my life. Um, and, and from that, from that darkness um the god the life that i have today guys is um is unbelievable i mean this what i said uh we need the light of god's reality the nourishment of his strengths and the atmosphere of his grace because without god's grace and without god'S guidance I wouldn't have the life that I have today. Step 11 for me is prayer, meditation. It's step 10, 11 and 12 are the meat and potatoes of our program. And step 11 to me is basically when I get off my knees after praying is demonstrating that power and working that power in my daily life, bringing that into my life. It's about how I am, it's how I am with others, how I treat others, and how I live it in my day-to-day life, right? So it's about, I live, I try to live this program and bring God into my daily affairs. And it's amazing, like, I mean, prayer has taken many forms and shapes for me. In the beginning, I said it was just praying, asking God to help me stay sober. But my days, a day does not go by when I don't start my day off with prayer. It's become second nature to me that when I wake up, my sponsor said, just fall right on your knees right there on the bed. Or, you know, I will always pray in the morning. Some days I may not meditate because just kids, business and whatever, but I'll try to find some time during my day to just sit still. Praying is me communicating with God. It's me turning it over to God. There's, you know, sometimes I just pray from my heart. You know, God, just work through me. Help me be of service. I open up my arms and I just ask him, show me what to do. What is your will for me today? You know? Whatever it is you want me to do, show me. What is, how can I be of surface to you? Or I could say the third step prayer or I could say the seventh step prayer. I try to end my days at night to just say thank you or end the day with a om, a meditation, which is gratefulness. Meditation is to me is one and only God's voice, right? Silence, sitting in silence because praying is me talking and communicating with God. and, and I don't know about you alcoholics, but this alcoholic has a lot of noise up in here. As soon as I opened my eyes, this committee is going and it's like, so I need to shut that noise down so that I can hear God. I have to shut it down. Meditation has been a huge part of my program. And, you know, sometimes silent meditation, a lot of guided meditations, as long as I'm shutting the noise up that's up in my head, it allows God to come in and to communicate with me. And my God talks to me through people. You know, there's there's many alleys, alleys. You know, certain people in my life, that when they're when they'RE talking to me, I know it's I know it's God giving me a message, you know? I'll tell you an example. Just the other day, I woke up in the morning and it was like six o'clock in the evening. And I wokeup, as soon as I opened my eyes, there was fear setting in. Fear about nonsense, about stuff at work. And it was just, I had like, my stomach was filled with fear and I was like, what's going on? I almost wanted to pull the covers over my head and nothing was wrong. And then out of nowhere, usually Ali gets up before me and he does his prayer and meditation in the morning and he's gone. He's leaving by the time I wake up. But that day he just, he walked into the room and the lights were dim and I saw his shadow and he walks up towards me and He looks up at me and usually when I'm worried about something, Ali will say to me, 1000% everything's going to be okay. And he always says that whenever he says that i believe him because it's always true and he said to me one thousand percent and i said what why what are you saying to me right now why are you seeing that what are you doing here why aren't you at work and and in that moment i knew that it was god talking to me and my eyes filled up with tears and i was just i could you know and all that fear and nastiness i was feeling inside because most of the time the fears we're feeling are so far away from was going to actually manifest or happen it all fell from me and I became so present to this power of God in my life and it's like wake up look where you are today I got your back you know and everything just kind of fell for me and uh and I got out of bed and I was just I was on top of the world I ran to my mother's room my mother is 82 years old what a blessing that's God's miracle My mother, who is 82 years old, is living with us and I'm able to care for her. That's God's miracle right there, right? I go to my mother and I hugged her and I said, I love you so much. I want to tell you a little bit about what my life is like today and the miracles of God in my life. I am not that helpless, selfish, trampling on everyone woman that didn't care about anything or anyone and was useless person anymore. I am today a pretty good wife sometimes, you know, we have our deal of problems. Me and Ali have gone through ups and downs and hell and separation and all kinds of stuff. And, you Know, we've come back with the help of God and the steps and our sponsors and work. And Teresa can tell you a story or two, but let's not get her started so where was I I lost my check so I don't know what I was saying you're at the woman you are today yeah yeah I am the woman I am today because of a loving God I'm able to be a good wife I'mable to bea good daughter um i'm able to be a good sister i um i'll tell you a story my my father when i when i sobered up my father got diagnosed with cancer and uh one of god's miracles and gifts of sobriety that i have is that the five years that my father had cancer and was alive i was with him day and night i was with him. I was by his side until his last breath and him and I had a connection at that time that I can't even explain to you. And I would not have had that if it wasn't for me coming into these rooms and for living this beautiful life that God has given and being able to, to be that pillar of strength for him and take him on trips. And at one point I remember guys, I took him to, I took him to my father got sick with cancer. So I took him to Brazil to see a spiritual healer. Actually, I was pregnant at that time too. I took him and my brother to go to Brazil, to see John of God. I don't know if any of you know him, but that was an incredible experience that we had two weeks. So when I do things like that, I know that it's God inspiring me and moving me and the actions that I take, right? It's God talking to me. I have a memory of early sobriety, I was after meditation. I got I got off my knees and I went straight to the phone and I booked a ticket for my to take my father to see his mother in Washington. So my father at this point was on a wheelchair. He was not really in a good shape to travel. But I knew that this had to be done. I said I called him and I said, I'm booking a flight. We're going to Washington to see your mother he hadn't seen his mother in years and she was sick and I and we we went on a flight I remember I'll never forget that trip we were out in Washington together and it was like I was pulling him through the airport and and I had this huge bag of all this medication that he had and we made it work he when we went there and he saw his mother and he he went to his her bedside and he was able to say goodbye to her and tell him, tell her that he loves her. And he, he felt peace when we came back home, we got a phone call that she passed away the day after we returned home. If that's not the power of God, if that's Not God talking to me in meditation, then what is that was incredible that that I was able To, I don't know where that came from. but things like that you know um um I I recently I have a I built a business about 13 years ago which which I'm rich I'm really blessed because it's it's truly my bliss I have a placement agency where I'm able to work with people and place them in jobs and help people to find work which um I you know I bring I try to bring the program and God into my my work. I, as I said, this is a program of we have to bring God into our daily affairs. And I spend a lot of my time at work. And so with my team at work, they're not alcoholics. But when we have team meetings, I bring a little God into it. I do. We have we I read them spiritual quotes, I send out spiritual quotes every day. Seriously, Alice laughs at me because I've done inventories with non-alcoholics. I have, and it works. They don't have it. Hey, normal people are walking out there with lots of fears and resentments, believe you me. And it, you know, I've done some sort of inventory with them. I try to, you Know, I try To be of service, I tried to bring when I'm bringing God into my day at work, everything's beautiful. It's when the days that I try to take control and they happen, you Know, that's, you Know, but as soon as I turn it over how many times I had to get on my knees in my office, because I feel things are going sideways. Thy will be done, God help me. I sat to sit silent in the middle of my office. I do it, I get on my knees. I'll get on My Knees wherever I have to. I remember early sobriety. I keep jumping back and forth because this is just what's happening tonight. But in early sobpriety, I was three months sober and I went, I took my three months over. I took My Father and My Stepmother to Mexico because my father had just got cancer. They were going through a hard time and I said, let's go. I got this thing. I'm sober now. I'm all good to go. I took them to a resort and all drinking booze and it was hard for me and not drinking was really, really tough for me at that time and I remember watching people drinking wine and I was sweating. I was like, it was oh so I would run to the washroom and get on my knees and pray for help. God, please help me. I don't want to drink. I don' t want to drank. And it worked. It worked miracles. Those are miracles to me. And I said, God, if you're here, just show me a sign. Show me a sign that you're listening to me, show me assigned that year. The next day I was by the pool and I was taking pictures by the pole and somebody took a picture of me and uh i looked at the picture and there was a picture of me standing beside this huge billboard it was a and and when i looked AT THE BILLBOARD I WAS I WAS AMAZED BECAUSE IT WAS A PICTURE OF A BOTTLE A Bottle OF WINE AND WINE GLASSES WITH A HUGE X ON IT AND I SAID THAT THAT'S MY HIGHER POWER TALKING TO ME RIGHT THERE UM WHAT ELSE CAN I TELL YOU UM SO THIS THIS BUSINESS THAT I HAVE as well. Something that I'm really proud of is that we recently built a school. I always had a dream that I wanted to do something to help God's kids in some way, you know? And I had this dream about potentially doing something and starting a school and being of service in that way. So I put a portion of my sales away and saved money. And, um, a few months ago, our school in Senegal was completed. I was able, we were able to build a school for children in Senegal and, and, and that's the power of God. And that's, that's an inspired thought backed by inspired action that is able to manifest into things like that. You know, that'S, that' s step 11 for me. Um, so, um, you know, step 11 also suggests some other readings. Um, uh, you Know, I, I also fell into, um fell into a lot of other readings by Wayne Dyer, by, um Esther and Jerry Hicks, the teachings of Abraham, law of attraction, um Joe Vitale, um you know and and all that stuff is all just basically the arts of manifesting and and cool creating with god it's all that's been a huge part of my journey as well i'm always got dream boards and vision boards going on i'm a huge fan of that and and honestly it's who i am ali will tell you like everything almost everything that i have in my life it doesn't have to be something material it could be a state of being it could mean me getting pregnant i got pregnant at 42. Are you kidding me? The doctor said, You have no chance, ma'am of getting pregnant. And I looked at him and I said, But you don't know the God that we have in our lives. And he said, Okay, I got pregnant. I 42. Right? That's God working in my life. So vision boards are huge for me. It's it's, you know, having desires and, and and bringing God into it and co-creating with God, co-creating with God learning to co-Create with God. It's been a huge part of my journey, which is really fun. And I just, I just love this program. Guys, I have a I have A six year old boy sleeping upstairs right now. If that's not God's miracle, then, you know, I live in a beautiful home. I'm married to my soulmate, who's my best friend and we work this program to the bone you know we've had our share of tough times as I said but there are so many beautiful gifts in my life I love my life my life is so full and it doesn't mean that excuse my language shit doesn't happen in my lifetime that it's always lollipops and rainbows because that's not the truth sicknesses happen you know there's bad days there's things that happen there's there's sicknesses people dying all life happens but but I have a solution today you know um it says in our book spiritual principles will solve all my problems it didn't say I'm not going to have problems it means that I don't have to put that bottle to my mouth now I pick up the book I go to my sponsor I I bring I invite God into my life to help me when my father passed away. I didn't drink. I brought God in to help me. I mourned, I cried. I got through it. I helped other alcoholics. I am so grateful for this, this beautiful life. And we know I was saying that I used to wake up on the you know, I hate the sun. I love the sun now my life, my life is big and it's full. And it's, yeah, I am, I don't know if I have anything else to say. The St. Francis prayers is, I know that we end the meeting with the St. Francis prayer. It's ironic because I always end my talk with a portion of the St.-Francis prayer. I love that prayer. That prayer is written by a non-alcoholic. Isn't it beautiful though? You know, that we can cut that into segments and just meditate on each little piece of that meditation every day. St. Francis prayer, I love it. Guys, I'm so grateful that I was here to share with you. I hope I said something that resonated or helped someone. If you're new and you are suffering, if you I'd love to speak with you after the meeting please reach out to me this is this is where you're going to find a beautiful life and I'm just very grateful for my sobriety guys thank you for allowing me to share