Fourth Step Inventory – Herb K – Workshop – Part 22 of 25 – Herb

Good morning, good afternoon, good evening. My name is Herb and I'm an alcoholic. Honored to be facilitating this Zoom workshop on December 3rd or 4th, I think it is today, Wednesday, Thursday by LA and Australia dates please join me in the prayer for an open mind open heart open attitude the set-aside prayer God please set aside everything that I think I know about myself my brokenness my spiritual path and you for an open mind and the new experience of myself my brokenness my spiritual path and especially you Please join me in serenity prayer. God grant me the serenety to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference. We're deep in the midst of the first piece of real work on this journey of seeking a spiritual awakening. Lest we lose purpose or mission or context, I stand on the path pointing to the light. is an image that one of my teachers gave me as a teacher as a facilitator as a guide as a sponsor I point the way to the light I shine the light that is my experience on the path that I want so that you can walk that path not to adore of the path not toward door the process not to a door the tools but to find your way to the light because the light will dispel the darkness this is really a poetic metaphor of course for effectively dealing with our addiction and that's the promise freedom two freedoms guaranteed by this process having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps I'm quoting not paraphrasing step 12. i think every once in a while it's good for us to kind of say take a deep breath and say like so what is it that we're involved in what is that we are doing oh my god it's an awful lot of work and it suggests that i show up on a weekly basis and that i have assignments and that I read a book and that reflect and I write and I pray and I talk to people and sometimes we get lost in the media rather than the message and the message is freedom freedom from addiction now I'm in Alcoholics Anonymous The book that we're reading together is a book created by the founder of Alcoholics Anonymous. In fact, the book is called AlcoholicsAnonymous. But fortunately, Bill had a prophetic insight which he captured in the first paragraph the preface to the first book he published in April of 1939 our way of living may have its advantages for all and that was the insight that progressively grew in me I got sober in 1984 I did this work in 1988 for the very first time but it was the third time that I did the work in 1994 and finished that work having a new broader deeper experience not relevant for our story today after which somebody said gosh why don't we try to do it in a group. And the group was AA. And then when we finished the group two years later, the addict said, Well, what about us? See, they're not a but they're addicts in a 12 step program while they're kissing cousins between prayer and sponsorship. We opened it up. And Danny Allen on said, well, what about us and then after probably five or six years of doing the workshop somebody from FA wandered into the workshop and suggested a telephone workshop and that's where we are our way of living may have its advantages for all. All addictions, I discovered. The process is a practice that will enable us to be freed of our addiction. Notice my words, I'm trying to choose them very carefully. I don't figure it out and use my tools and conquer my addiction that's not how it works this is not about getting a sufficient amount of willpower or a sufficient amount of knowledge oh we do get knowledge and we do get more power absolutely that is part of the point but there's an X plus factor I won't expand on that right now keep it very focused and very simple there's an X plus factor bill calls it God and grace we'll stay with that for right now I call it a mystery I don't know the explanation for the connection but I do know that there is a connection that can't be explained some I don't care to explain it I care to observe it I cared to experience it and then I care too have it shared so that other people can experience it. And that is what the 12th step says as I started out earlier having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps and then in step 10 Bill says we've entered the world of the spirit think of a staircase steps and we walk up those stairs to a door steps one through nine and then the door opens and We enter into a new room, a new dimension. The Fourth Dimension Bill suggests in contrast to the three-dimensional world that we live in normally, height, width and depth, the world of material reality, it's really the only world that actually know until in fact we begin to explore our own consciousness. And then we begin to speculate about and explore broader consciousness. And we use terms like world of the spirit and fourth dimension to describe something that we actually don't know exists but we speculate it might, and it might be an answer to the equation it doesn't matter what the words are because the reality is seemingly very secure he says in the step in step 10 we've been placed in a position of neutrality with regard to our addiction first half of the first step we've looked carefully and at length step one because it's the foundation of this journey of the steps and what I find also is that the journey although it is steps and I did use just a minute ago the image of a staircase it's not linear it's spiral when that as I look back over my shoulder is my own experience doing the work repetitively not annually for me anyway but periodically over a 20-year period I had new experiences broader deeper to wake up to wake to wake-up to identify that I am continually asleep at some subtle level And that I can continually wake up at some subtle level. And there's always more light. Because the end game of the rocket launch is to be in orbit around infinite light. To have a relationship and a connection to infinite life, the world of the spirit. So we decide in step two that there is this possibility and we have hope. And then in step three, we decide that we can have a relationship with this reality that we have hope about. And then it suggests we do some work to remove the obstacles to the light. What is the darkness in us? What are the clouds in us that are impediments to knowing correctly what reality is and to doing effectively in alignment with reality. We're in step four, looking at our humanity. It's not mysterious. It's psychology and biology. We're looking at our basic biological, physiological instincts for survival. Fight, flight, and freeze. Fight. Anger held is resentment. Flight, fear, is running. Anxiety, procrastination. A hundred subtle forms. meant as a protection to us for our survival and yet they boomerang and begin to defeat us rather than protect us and freeze fight flight freeze basic biological physiological survival mechanisms it's how we're built freeze camouflage hiding dishonesty secrets and we'll look at all of those manifestations in our fourth step bill says on page 62 that we are self-centered and that's the root of the problem that's the spiritual malady in step 10 he says we've been given a freedom placed in a position of neutrality from our addiction but were not cured you know we're not cured of our self-centeredness the spiritual malady of is the is used as unmanageability that's the word bill uses in step one it's again our human nature my will will always choose me and it will manifest in anger and fear and dishonesty on a daily basis he says in step 10 when they crop up when not if and we're in orbit around the light and and can stay in orbit around the light as long as we make daily, frequent adjustments. Because we will be disturbed, meaning going in contrast to the flow of reality, the flow-of-life, if you will, God's will, reality as it manifests. in the third step we made a decision to turn to be in alignment and we do the work of steps four through nine to place ourselves in alignment. And then because we're human beings on a daily basis we will always experience being out of alignment, and we will know that if we're awake paying attention to our feelings. Feelings are critically important. Some of you have heard me say things about feelings that might be construed as dismissive or negative, and I don't mean to give that connotation at all. I say feelings are a sand trap, a swamp, landmines in the spiritual life well especially because we're addicts and we like to feel good and when we do that inappropriately we create obstacles to our flow in reality our addiction is it is basically actions that are contrary to our very survival but we don't know that we don's know until we suffer enough to make an effort to deal with the addiction effectively by doing the first nine steps and then deal with our life and its manageability and our free will and our power to be in alignment with life and the flow of reality the serenity prayer the wisdom what does it mean reality what does it mean alignment what does it mean self will run riot what does it mean thy will be done this is the journey that we're on we've identified in step four the first part dealing with our anger it's a normal natural healthy healthy please reaction to threat now if it's held before a period of time you define that I suggest certainly 24 hours it's not in the big book I just made it up but if you have this anger that persists over a period of time and not as just a automatic response of your biochemistry but you're holding it now consciously then nursing it and growing it that's a resentment and we looked at column one who are you resentful at person institution press principal Circumstance, perhaps. That's not in the big book. The three words are people, institutions and principles. Most everybody focuses on people. And then quite frankly once you crack the code on doing the work with regard to people it's very straightforward to do it on any other disturbance. fact people have gotten quite creative people who have been on this journey for a while may not have resentments so they use the word disturbed or who annoys you who irritates you we're no longer looking at white shark we're looking at mosquitoes but it's still an irritation and it creates tension and any tension in us is easily and readily addressed by our addiction. And that's the whole point of I am not cured. I will have a daily tendency of self-will and its various manifestations. And so I need to pay attention to my feelings. There are signals. Are they feelings of joy or Or are they feelings of irritation? If they're feelings of joy, continue what you're doing. If they are feelings of Joy, I don't mean addiction or pleasure. I meant true joy. If it's feelings of suffering, then identify where the feelings of suffering are coming from and take corrective action. It's about becoming very conscious and very proactive. The spiritual life is not a theory. about action and action and in fact the two words I use are a sort of a tick off on AA is attitude and action the two lenses through which I look attitude in action loving and kindness representing our way of life in the world of the spirit steps 10 11 and 12 all about consciousness and all about compassion bill says we keep our head in the clouds and our feet on the ground beautiful metaphor for what he calls our way of life so in the resentment inventory we identify the source of our irritation as we see it my father got drunk and didn't bring the paycheck home and we were poor and then we look at column 2 how did that affect me well we were poor in it created a lot of disturbance in the house between he and my mother obviously but in the children and then the way we lived our lives was basically you know very negative deprived way all right and then we look at column three so how did it actually affect me what what beliefs were created as the result of my early childhood formation, my education, my social and psychological experiences. And we have seven questions that we ask ourselves coming from page 65 where Bill gives us the words but doesn't give us a definition. Doesn't give a way to apply them he just sets it up as column three fortunately i've had teachers who have given me definitions and specific directions and then helped me to unpack and apply and experience what does that mean column 3 looking at our beliefs each of us has a belief the shortcut way of identifying that is to hear yourself think or feel or say should I should you should they should the world should what that helps us do is get conscious so that we can in fact look at what is the belief that that represents and ask ourselves is it healthy is it real is it universal is it true or is it just some story some myth some self survival protection mechanism that I made up that doesn't serve me well anymore if even if ever did this is really where you need a step guide a sponsor or buddy that has had the experience of cracking the code of doing the worksheet or some other mechanism that has revealed to them then the truth of the lie about self-esteem the truth of the lie about how we believe I should be treated or you should rate or the world should be very deep in us this is an area where I do believe in my experience it's not in the big book but it's the way I can explain my experiences I penetrate the an area shine light into the darkness that I've never seen before it's never been revealed in organized religion formal meditational therapy never once did I get as deep into the corners of my darkness as I did with column three properly explained and and unpacked. In the final analysis, Bill says we're powerless. Oh, name it! We can analyze something. It may diminish it. It might even eliminate it when we see the truth of the lie. And And then again, it might not because it's so deep and it's so nasty. So he gives us a prayer practice. He spends a page and a half on it. Page 66 to 67. I believe I've gone over that and I'm happy to do that again. And the assignment was to take a look at your list, column three, and identify the really deep resentment. Some are mosquitoes and some are white sharks. And you may have one and you may have ten. It doesn't make any difference. Identify the deep ones that you still have. The tentacles of them go down into the marrow of your bones and your gut. A rage place, a volcanic molten level of red anger. It is true you've been betrayed. It is truth you've become traumatized. it is true sometimes awful things have happened even criminal it is true and we can't change our history all we can do is name it and analyze it and then evaluate our reaction to it because that's the problem that's That's the current problem. The historic problem is the event or circumstance or person. But the current, your current problem, our current problem is our reaction to it. And it's the only thing we can control. Can't change our history, can't change circumstances, can change people. only thing I have any potential influence over is my attitude and my reaction and my thoughts and my feelings and my behavior that's a spiritual awakening and so we pray bill suggests a prayer I have suggested in the way of of life document of prayer you're welcome to use it or any variation on it in the practice that i pursued was to pray the prayer once each day for the removal of each specific resentment i had eight at that time i prayed eight individual prayers every day after about three months of daily prayer eight times eight resentments i wasn't praying for them i'm praying for the removal of this cancer from me that's not a subtle distinction i am not praying for them praying for themselves is a wonderful spiritual practice i have no problem with it If you're inclined to do that, I'm totally endorsing that because it's a traditional practice of healing to pray for them in some way. But that's not what this practice is. Be clear. This practice is for your own healing. We're doing surgical work in step four to remove the cancers in us that are killing us killing us spiritually certainly blocking the sunlight of the spirit but even killing us physically biologically resentments create heart attacks and strokes and all other kinds mischief depression and so we pray for the removal of this resentment from myself I pray for my healing I invite the divine surgeon I'm using poetic mystical terms to represent the instruction in the big book i pray for divine intervention a surgical procedure by the divine surgeon to remove the cancer in me that is killing me it is blocking me from the sunlight of the spirit and after about three months one of them was gone but there was no negative energy around it now i was continuing to do the balance of the work at that point i I was probably in steps eight and nine. Finished my fifth step, continuing to do the prayer because I continued to have the resentments. Oh, I had analyzed them. I had understood them, and I had owned them 100%. Part of a process of a spiritual awakening we'll get to in a minute. And I continued with the balance of the step work as i'm doing this practice of daily prayer one prayer for each of the removal of each of those specific resentments and then the seventh one was removed and then the sixth one was and like snow in the springtime they all melted away and here's the astounding experience three years later when I did this work again not one of them was on my list not one the people or circumstances did I have any negative energy about see that's freedom that's what we're looking for And I believe I've given the assignment and you've begun to take a look at the fourth column now in the big book There's no fourth column In fact, the use of the terms columns is just a comfortable way of referring to page 65 where you see the matrix and there are literally three columns even though they're not called columns there's three columns though as the outline of and summary of the instructions in the big book concerning resentments and how to approach them so on page 67 he gives us the final set of instructions as that I've been led through the steps it's the first full pair no the second the second full paragraph on page 67 referring to our list again. The first instruction to refer to the list was on page 65 where he was beginning to give us the prayer practice which he elaborates on 66 and 67, and then he says now take another look at the list and ask yourself five questions putting out of our minds the wrongs others had done so he's asking us to look at it from an entirely different attitude rather than column one who did it column two what did they do column three and how did it impact me we're gonna take a look at my reaction without looking at the circumstances or the people, but focus totally on my reaction to circumstances and people. Well this is a perspective I had never had. This was my very first spiritual awakening in 1988 as I look back I didn't know it at the time we resolutely looked for our own mistakes and then he has five questions where were we selfish dishonest self-seeking frightened those are four questions I made them into separate sentences and questions in the fourth column what I call fourth column worksheet and I use the term fourth column just to stay in line with the vocabulary of the first three columns and the final question though a situation had not been entirely our fault the situation that circumstances the people don't take ownership and responsibility for their behavior or what happened no it's asking us to take responsibility for our reaction to their behavior and what happened we tried to disregard the other person involved entirely don't pay any attention to the other person or the circumstances they're horrific sometimes as I said criminal sometimes interesting at this point but irrelevant and I mean that coldly black and white interesting but irrelevant what is relevant is my current reaction to my history where am I to blame I don't like the word blame might have been a good word in 1939 but today with our psychological sophistication I like the word responsible where am i responsible for my reaction is the completion of that sentence the inventory is ours not the other persons when i saw my faults meaning my responsibility i listed them i placed them before me in black and white so it's about a written inventory not a thought not a discussion not a feeling about a written inventory that's why I created or was given basically the fourth column instructions and then created the fourth-column worksheet that we have today out of the work shots that I've done over the last 20 years we admitted our wrongs honestly in other words our responsibility our fault our responsibility the actions that we took owning them as my actions and my reactions and willing to set these matters straight an indication of the development of the list of harms done at some point not to be discussed at this point it just gets confusing sometimes we create harm with our resentment and sometimes we don't not all resentments lead to harm not all resentments need to be done in step nine only if there's harm we'll unpack that later so I would like now to chat with you about where you're at in the step work and any questions that you might have certainly on the column four we didn't go over the specific worksheet you can listen to the recordings on my web if you want to get some help with that I try I suggest that you take a look at your column four and match it up with the column three pay attention to the words and the definitions and do the best you can with it and then as we go forward with our workshops will unpack that and help you to both confirm the work that you do and also to clarify if you're having any trouble with don't get bogged down in just doing it on one resentment match it up with the column three of course and then do one and then go on to a different resentment if you are unpacking column 3d with regard to your mother do column 4 on your mother do one then then move on maybe your father or maybe your sister or brother or maybe your significant other or maybe some lighter touch, maybe a co-worker or a boss so that you don't get bogged down in a story and a feeling that you haven't decoded how to make progress with the column three column for you. This my vocabulary will become clear as we unpack it together. All right let's bring it to conclusion please join me in the serenity prayer a wisdom prayer dealing with reality God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference