Bondage of Self – 12 Step Workshop – 2025 – Part 2 of 4 – Sandy B.

conversation with you, but your main role is sweeping, sweeping, sweeping and the play opens with you sweeping and then as the curtain comes down, you're sweeping. And that's, that's your role in the play. Now if we were just an actor, we would sweep, sweep, do our job, get paid, go home. That would be our life. But not this actor or actress. They're out there sweeping going, why do I have to sweep? Why did I get the role? Why aren't I like the good-looking salesman up there who gets all the women in the play? Why'd they pick me? Sweep, sweep, sweep. Jesus Christ. I've been to some of the finest acting schools in the United States. This is a tragedy that I'm sweeping out here. I mean, we ought to do a play about the suffering that I am doing sweeping in this play. And that play would be a much better play than the sweeping, I mean, just the sweep, sweep, because I'm having a psychological break. I'm seeing a psychiatrist over the role that I play sweeping. I'm sweeping, sweeping. And pretty soon we build a new acting role about an actor who's having a nervous breakdown while he's in a play sweeping, and that is the ego story. the trick is to go back and just sweep. Just go da-da-da without commenting on it, without making up some, you know, like you're an editor or a reporter. You've got to make a story out of sweeping. Just sweep. That's why we say just have a cup of coffee. Don't have a cuppa coffee and worry about 14 other things. This is what living in the now is. It is just doing what we were asked to do. Nothing is that hard. We take the sweeping job and turn it into this huge, and since we've been doing it since we were this big, most people say it happened. This is when it happens. When we're real little, we're lying in the crib and they give us a bear to play with. Oh, yeah, that's cool. And then they take the bear away and they gave us a doll. Oh, yes, oh, yes. And then a rabble. Oh, yea, that great. Oh, that is great. You know, they can hand one and then this and that and this and tha. But there comes a time when you hand them that bear or hand her that doll and then you go to take the doll away to give them something else and they go, mine. Mine. no longer was it just a bear sitting over there. You follow what I'm saying? That became part of me, and then I am more than the guy sweeping the floor. I am the guy sleeping on the floor who has that car parked out front, who has this, and all these other things suddenly are who I am instead of I'm a God's kid sweeping. you see what I mean I'm made of a whole big complex story and in that story there's no God there's just me when you make up your own story about the actor sweeping on the thing you're the director the star the whole thing it's almost like a dream you ever have a dream about someone else you're not in it I don't think so Yeah, I'm never in any of my dreams. You ever have that happen? I don't think so. We're the star, we're everything in the dream and generally it's bad, scary and we wake up and all that. Well, my point in going into all of this is that, as Chuck said in his book, the problem that we have is being separated from God. That's what we talk about all the time. That's why we say we're trying to establish conscious contact with God. Well, the actor who went out with the broom had conscious contact with the director and the writer. In other words, if you use that analogy, he had perfect contact. His job is to do this, and there was no problem. It's when he left that role and got into the play about having a psychiatric breakdown while trying to do the sweeping on the stage that he left his higher power. So in other words, it isn't that God left us, it's that we made up a story where there's no God in it. That may sound complicated, but it is how it happens that we end up separated. It's not very complicated. So in this process of awakening, we see through the illusion and we go, wait a minute, I'm just sweeping. Holy cow! Now I see that life is a lot simpler than I made it. a lot simpler than my story about it is. The last point I want to make on this story thing is maybe this will help you understand the point I'm trying to make. If you listen to my talks when I was 10 years sober and compare them to the talks I give now, in the talks I give now I had a much better childhood than I used to have. Now, how can you have a better childhood than the one you had? Excuse me. Is that possible? Did you go back and change your childhood? Yes. I saw it differently. I saw my parents with a different pair of eyes. I saw how hard they were trying. They weren't mean to me. They were doing the best they could. I couldn't see that before. So now that I see it differently, I had a better childhood. So don't give up on having a better childhood. You're not stuck with the lousy one that you have now. That's pretty good news for a lot of us. And so we need to go through the process of causing this revolutionary experiment to happen. Remember, we're in the laboratory. We've admitted, okay, you trapped me. It's awful in here. My experiment is failing. My experiment on how to live is producing awful results. and that gives us the open mind to try things that we don't believe in. AA's 12 steps are a group of principles that we take that we do not believe in yet. There is no way you could believe in those by looking at them. You are going to read those things and go, oh yeah, I see that. You see what? I see how that would make you happy. Really? Making amends is going to make you unhappy? No, I do not know how that could make you happen. Making a fearless moral inventory is going to make you happy? No, I don't see how that could. I spent about six months looking for the money step. Okay, so then you make amends and then you get the money? No, no, no. Well, then how do you get happy? If you don't get the mone, you know you don' t get happy. Anybody knows that. I'm broke. I can't even get food for these kids. Where's the money-step? So it is an experiment. In other words, okay, I'm not sure I understand this, but I am willing to do exactly what my guide suggests. And she or he is going to lead me down through this experiment. That would be another way of looking at it. He's going to leave me through this experience. guide me through these uncharted waters sometimes they refer to AA as the world's biggest lost-and-found department and that's a good way of describing the process of spirituality going from being lost to being found and when we're lost we have no way of navigating we've lost nothing makes sense. We're just out there aimlessly responding to our negative emotions that are driving us one way or the other and oh now I'm afraid, now I am angry, if you weren't in my way I'd have what I need and all of those things and we've misdiagnosed the whole problem. The whole problem is that we need to reestablish contact with our higher power. It doesn't feel like that, just like some diseases don't feel that. You know what I mean? What's the one that we all have and you eat sugar it makes it worse? No, there's another one. Hypoglycemia. A lot of alcoholics have that when they first come in and it feels like I got to go get some sugar or I'm going to die, and that's the worst thing. And this is the same kind of a thing. In other words, it doesn't look like or feel like to us that our problem is we're too far away from our higher power. It just doesn't feel that way as we look at it. If we were to ask any of us new, you know, what would you say your biggest problem is, how many would say, oh, clearly I'm too far way from God? Obvious. That's the last thing. There's a million other problems as we diagnose them, and yet AA is saying, oh, don't worry about those problems. God will fix all of them. Oh, really? You're telling me one solution for all problems? Doesn't that sound a little far-fetched? You're saying to me, whatever problem I got, just get more God, that's it? I don't think so. Well, let's look at what we did before we got to AA. If you were in your favorite bar and your friend came in and he said, oh, God, my wife just left me and run off with the neighbor. I'm dying. What would you say to him? Let me buy you a drink. Am I right or wrong? Let me buy you a drink. So now we know the solution for somebody running off with your spouse is, let me, oh thanks, let me buyyouadrink. So now it's a year later and your friend comes in and he says, God, you're not going to believe it. They cut back at work. I've been laid off. I don't know what I'm going to do. What would you say? let me buy you a drink oh so now buying a drink helps getting laid off and losing your spouse now he comes in with a health problem what do you say let me by you a dream suddenly we realize you buy him a drink no matter what the problem is one solution for all problems I never remember saying to myself well here's a problem I won't be drinking over I'll be I'll be handling this sober I don't think so why was a drink the one solution for all problems because it made things look different that's exactly what it did after three drinks oh I see yeah it's not so bad and that's what spirituality does that's why it works on all problems it makes us see things differently so that these problems either aren't there or they aren't as big at all and so this is why we should go on this journey and get a guide somebody asked Bill one time God, you guys are a bunch of amateurs it was probably the professional community you know, the psychologist or something like that. You guys, how do you get results like this? I mean, they haven't gotten anybody happily sober by any other technique, really. And so they said, it looks like the blind leading the blind in there. And Bill said, no, it's not. It's the semi-blind leading the mind. The blind. And so... It really is. We're all trying to go from the darkness to the light. and when we're spiritually fit, we can see the light. We're not there yet, but we can see it. And so we got our hands holding the person behind us, and they're holding the person behind them, and they are holding the first person behind them. And way back there, there's no light at all, but there's a rumor that the people up ahead have seen a light. And if we all keep going in this direction, we are in fact going to get out of the woods. And we're going to rely on something that we do not understand. I remember when I was a Boy Scout and I went in and they were teaching us about getting lost in the woods and how to find your way out or you would die. And they gave us a compass. And they handed them all out like little watches. And so they said, now here's what the deal, guys. You push this button that frees up the needle and that needle points right at the North Pole. There's a big rock up there and it's a magnetic field and this needle points right at that rock. And if you got this in your pocket and a map and you're in the woods totally disoriented and if you don't get out you're gonna freeze to death this needle will save your life you can trust your very life on that needle I don't remember saying you want me to trust my life that there's a big rock at the North Pole that I have never seen I would like to go to the North Pole sorry if I'm a doubting Thomas but you want me to swallow a story about a rock at the North Pole are you kidding and put my life on it we didn't do that we said give me the compass I'll be glad to go out and potentially freeze to death and put this just follow the needle I'll be out hey no problem and I did the same thing when I got in flight school and They're teaching us how to fly in instrument conditions and listen to the A and the N. Back when you flew the beam, and if you listened correctly, you'd fly right between the two mountains and the runway would be right in front of you. If you did it wrong, you'd die. I'm saying to them, you want me to believe there's an invisible radio beam coming up through the air and I'm going to trust my life on it? What's the beam frequency? It went right out, and there it was. so now we come in here and we go if you follow these steps you will get in touch with the creator of the universe the energy of this spiritual creator and you will be able to navigate through life with the greatest of ease and with great happiness and great joy and we And you go, I don't think so. See what I'm saying? I don' think so, but alcoholics are lucky because they were forced into a desperate situation and that's why you just can't stop somebody out in the street and go hey would you like to try the 12 steps and come on in it'd be really great. They're not desperate and we are. That's our gift that we were given this sense of desperation so that we are willing to try something that we don't believe in and in closing let me just as we're getting close to four if you knew you could really simplify the program and you would just have one question that you would ask of your guide and the question is what do I do next that's it that's your entire job oh no you have a second job evaluate the results that you get from this new experiment. What do I do next? Do it, and then report back how it's going. And you know what you're gonna report back? Much to my surprise, things are getting better. I never would have believed that this could have possibly worked. That is a very typical experience. This doesn't look like it should work. Are you kidding me? I'm going to do an inventory and share it with somebody and humbly ask, and the rockets are going to go off? I don't think so. Wait till the rockets go off. And they go, no, I guess they were right. We have a saying, rocketed into the fourth dimension of existence, which is an awakening. That's the existence is, oh my god, it's better than I thought. OK, we're at the 4 o'clock. Something will happen at 7. I don't know what it'll be, but we'll be back here and we'll move further along the path and see where we end up. Thank you all and enjoy dinner. how you doing hi everybody my name is Sandy Beach and I'm an alcoholic well I hope everybody had a good meal and I made some of you came back you must be a a glutton for punishment, that you want more of this. I had a wonderful meal with two young men from Sweden who are spearheading a reinvigoration of the fellowship over there, and it's real exciting to realize it's like going back in time When you're going to go and spread the word and get groups started in places that don't have any groups and how much fun it probably was to be back when you're really just getting this thing off the ground. We've got to realize a lot of countries, that's going on. It's like going back in our early history to watch the struggle And some of the countries, the government gets involved in it, which is a very difficult thing to deal with. But it happens in some ofthe communist countries. And I know in Iceland, a little bit over there. And so we are really lucky that our traditions have kept us out of all of that. I don't know if I'll get into those yeah I'll take 10 minutes right now and just I want to just comment on a couple of them I mean this was a miracle that Bill thought these up and had the foresight to see that as something succeeds there are problems that happen when you get big that aren't there when you're small because when you are small you don't attract a lot of attention you don' t have clout you know what I'm talking about now AA has clout but it doesn' t use it the potential for clout is there I mean boy if AA if somebody could organize AA as a political force for something you'd have a lot of force but AA won't allow itself to be used for that and one of the reasons is that we have no opinion on any outside issue who would have thought that the most opinionated people in the world would come up with the idea of having no opinions on anything anything and you know they learn that from the Washingtonians if you're not familiar with them when I was working in Washington as a lobbyist the Senate Health and Human Services Committee came up with an idea that we ought to put warning labels on alcohol bottles like cigarettes and so they were going I wonder if it would do any good And they said, well, who better to ask than AA? I mean, God, those guys would know the answer to that in a heartbeat. That's the biggest place of knowledge we could get. So they got a hold of AA in New York and they sent somebody down to talk to them. And they explained what they were doing and they said how does AA feel about this? The guy said AA has no opinion on that at all. And they put that in the report and the senators were quite amazed. what do you mean they have no opinion well we just have no opinion now that doesn't mean as individuals we can't have opinions although I think they're not very valuable either but most of us thinks ours are and that the world can't get along without my opinion on anything and so my opinion is that that label would work and we ought to have them and I know exactly what it should say so that we'd finally have a label that would do some good the label should say warning this bottle may run out you should consider buying two and then we wouldn't have alcoholics running out of booze at quarter to twelve at night getting back in their car and driving down. Only kidding. So any time you take a position, I don't care what issue it is, you could take a decision against ice cream and you're going to have all the ice cream lovers no longer trusting AA like they do now. AA is trusted by everyone. Everyone in society. There's no group that doesn't believe and trust in AA and believe AA's word. And so we have universal acceptance in every aspect of society. I can't think of any other organization that is totally loved, no matter what group you go to, and they say, no, we love them, da-da-da. so much so that it is absolutely astounding to me how few times a reporter has parked outside of an AA meeting in order to spot some local politician or some celebrity and then write a little gossipy story. It would be like shooting ducks in a barrel. You know how easy that would be? You get a hold of an AAA directory and you sit outside of the meetings. And then you wait. And then you go, oh, good, there's the mayor's wife. I mean, a sixth grader could do that. Hardly ever. I mean I can only think of one or two times in 40 years. Why? Self-restraint. If the reporter wants to do it, the editor won't allow it. No, we're not going to do that to AA. AA is a good thing and it does nothing but good for our society. So we're going to leave it alone. And see the advantage of no opinions. And so no matter what noble opinion we took, it's going to alienate this group over here. And then we take another one. So I just wanted to mention that one as a wonderful thing that we ended up with that in order to keep us going. But that's something for a separate day. And you could spend a whole hour easily telling some stories about the traditions. But let's get back to where we were. We started out by saying we're going to start at the end of the program, in the 12th step, by saying having had a spiritual awakening as the only result, the one result of these steps, we tried to carry the message. The message is how to have a spiritual awakening. I mean, if you just follow the wording in that step, that's what we're trying to pass on to the next person. And the steps are how that is going to happen. And we went through why we should become interested in this and it's because of the hopeless nature of the problem AA is a spiritual program because it has to be. Nothing less can do anything about alcoholism. That's how big a problem it is. It has to be spiritual. In other words, no human power could have relieved our alcoholism in our history. There was a time when a wealthy Rhode Island businessman millionaire and an alcoholic, the handwriting was on the wall. He was not going to take over the family business. He was going to die in an insane asylum unless he could get sober. And they tried everything. When you've got that much money, you just try everything. And everything failed, and so they sent him to see Dr. Carl Jung in Switzerland, and he stayed there a year because Dr. Young sometimes incorporated spiritual thinking into his treatment. He was way ahead of his time with the psychiatrist and at the end of the year, this young man, Roland Hazard, left there and Dr. Yang said, you understand your situation? Oh yeah, yeah, I understand and he got as far as Paris on his way back to the States and somebody asked him the wrong question. They said, would you like a drink? And he said, don't mind if I do. And he was drunk again in very short order and after three months or so of just hopeless drinking he went back to Dr. Young and said, help me please. And this is how Dr. Yang saved us all. Here's this man with all the knowledge in the world and a man with all the money in the World and he said to him there's nothing I can do for you generating desperation see this is our first example of how important desperation is looked him right in the eyes and said there's nothing I an do for you you mean I'm going to just yeah Yeah, sorry. And so when you read the ABCs, we're powerless over alcohol, our lives are unmanageable, no human power could have relieved our alcoholism. I always think of Dr. Young. There it is. I'm sorry, no one on the planet can help you. That'll induce, no, there's no place you can go to be helped. Nowhere, nowhere, nowhere. That gets us in the right frame of mind for C. But God could and would if he were sought. So he said, I have heard about people with spiritual experiences who have been transformed, which I was trying to do psychiatrically, so that they were comfortable without alcohol. If I was you, I'd go look for one of those. My point is, do you think he would have looked if Dr. Young hadn't said, there's nothing I can do for you? See, you have to do that first. You have to completely pull the rug out so that you're in midair. And then you go, would you like a parachute? Up till then, you really weren't interested in parachutes, but you suddenly think that would be a hell of a good idea to try a parachute. And so that's why I like to tell that story, that it was all part of our history and that's how this got established so deeply in us, the search for a spiritual solution. In other words, there it is. The world's biggest authority said, I'm sorry, there's nothing that can be done for you at the human level. Well, then what other level is there? Well, there's this thing called the spiritual level. Maybe you ought to get interested in that. And that's what we were doing when we're trying to talk about the first few steps is to generate this interest in spirituality. A religion would try and get our interest by telling us all the good stories, and this is God, and he was born here, and here's all the miracles. And we go, oh, that looks good. You follow what I'm saying? Whereas AA goes, see this fire? It's hell. And if you're going down there, you're going to get burned. You think it's bad today. You keep drinking. It's going to really get bad. My sponsor tells me that in the nut ward. You know what I mean? Oh, yeah, if you keep drinking, it's going to get bad, and I say, what is this? Well, this is on the way to bad. Oh, all right. Ah, I don't want to go badder than this. What's that spiritual stuff? You see what I'm saying? In other words, this is where the heat comes from. And then we come and turn our eyes the other way. Now we become, what did A, B, C? God could and would, if he were, magic word, sought. We become seekers. So there we are. We are seeking. In other worlds, once we go through, came to believe. In other woods, if you're having a problem with the second step, But let me rephrase it for you. How about this? Came to believe that there had to be a power greater than ourselves in order to restore us to sanity, or we're screwed. How's that? Can you go that far? Could you say, wow, unless a higher power comes along, which I don't think there is one, I'm not going to make it. So that's what you come to believe, that there has to be a higher power. You don't even have to believe in a higher power yet. But your willingness to entertain the idea opens a door. See, you had the door closed before. Now you've said, okay, I don't believe there's a God, but I hope there is one. I hope I'm wrong. And that's what's going on in the second step. It is a re-evaluation of our position on higher powers. not due to a miracle in front of our eyes but to someone more carefully explaining our situation oh my god I didn't know it was that bad and now we're open so now we are going to make a decision to commit to this we are gonna make a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of something we don't even know what it is over to whatever takes it, is what my sponsor said. Why don't you turn your life over to Whatever Will Take It? I said, what? What? What? How do I know that'll be a good idea? He said, oh, I know it'll be. It'll be good idea. Why? Because you will no longer be running it. we will take it away from you. Can you imagine anyone doing a worse job than you? We could go down to the zoo and get the gorilla and a dartboard. Yes, no, and all the rest of the decisions about your life. Should Sandy take that job? And the gorilla goes, no. Okay. that would be better than if you keep making the decisions so when you're wearing a wristband from the nut ward it's hard to argue even against the gorilla okay I'll try to turn it over it all sounds like mumbo jumbo but where are you going to go? you're trapped and so we do this and so if we're going to do this it's a pretty extreme thing isn't it I'm going to turn my will and my life over well we're really when I said earlier if you just ask the question the one question what should I do next that is a sign of turning your life over okay what should i do now what should I do now and that's interesting when I think of someone asking that question, what should I do now? What should I do now?" I think of somebody at an entry-level job. You know what I mean? You go, all right, what I do know? Oh paint that wall. Okay, okay, okay. What'd I do? Now it's kind of like a servant and guess what we're supposed to be with our higher power. What's the highest pay grade in AA? You come in a big shot and then you work your way all the way up to servant. Servant. Funny thing about a servant, a servant You could say that a servant and a slave are doing the same jobs. Only one's doing it voluntarily, and one's doing it against his will. Has no freedom to choose to do this very same work. In other words, the freedom is what we're granted when we are returned to sobriety. It's one of the mixed blessings of the human race is freedom. We die for it. I want my freedom. I want to be free. I want that freedom. And then once we get it, we go, God damn, this is hard. Holy shit. I got a million choices. How do I know which one? And as we go down the path, we end up giving it back to God. God thank you for freedom I now want to give it back to you I'm going to give you the most precious gift that you gave me you gave me free will we're the only creatures that has that we're only the only ones and so we end up what do I do next isn't that funny here you are running a major company or your professor in a college or whatever it is, and you're going down to some truck driver asking him what you should do next. And enjoying the advice. Thanks, Ralph, that's a good idea. Isn't that amazing? So we're making this decision to turn our will and our life over. But it doesn't get turned over there it's a decision it's like a decision to get a degree in psychology there's a little bit of work between the decision and the degree in Psychology right when you decide that's it you're filling out the papers at the school you're putting the money down and you're showing up for the classes so in AA what we're saying is you're making a decision to commit yourself to the rest of the steps in order to achieve this turning over and relieving us of the bondage of self. See what Bill calls that? he calls freedom bondage of self-will run riot it's it's a wonderful gift but it goes out of control like that I mean the second I had a driver's license you remember when you first got your driver's licence don't go there don't go there everywhere and then of course the second you start drinking yeah there was no restraints. There was nothing. You're free to do anything, and so it's a wonderful paradox that that's really the only way to find God is to really lose him. I think all of us have to be prodigal sons and prodigial daughters and get way out there and then go, I don't like it out here. I'm too lonely. The heck with all this freedom. I want to go back and I want to go home. I want go back to my higher power. This is, I don' know what I'm doing out here." I don''t know if you all had that feeling, but I would go to bed at night sober going, I don ''t know where I am. I haven''t got a clue what life is all about. I try to pretend. I'm at the meetings. But when I come home at night and go to bed, I'm going, what is all this? Why can't I figure it out? So we're all lonely. It's a very deep part of human nature is to be lonely. And Dr. Young, in the later years, when Bill Wilson suddenly remembered that he had never told Dr. Young how important it was what he did for Roland Hazard, wrote him a letter giving him a great deal of credit for getting AA started by sending Roland off to the Oxford movement and then he got Ebby Thatcher, Bill's sponsor, and then Bill. So that chain came right from Roland to Ebby to Bill and Dr. Young was quite pleased to get the letter and he said, oh I didn't know what happened to Roland and wow, I'm glad to hear about AEA it sounds like a wonderful organization as a matter of fact that's what I was trying to do to Roland I was tried to cause this spiritual transformation because in my opinion the problem that alcoholics really have is a thirst for God only they don't recognize it They don't even know that that's at the heart of why they're in pain and feel lost. And so we seek a solution to that inner turmoil in sex and drugs and rock and roll and alcohol and spending and you name it. We're trying to fix the disease that's inside, meaning I'm never comfortable inside here. Give me a break. What the heck is it? and we try to look out at the material world and find a fix. That's why we call it a fix, you know what I mean? What are we fixing? Everybody wants a fix! What are you fixing? You know that part in here where you just can't get comfortable and you don't even know what's going on? Yeah, yeah, yeah! That's the thing. Well, that's what Dr. Young was talking about. We had a thirst for our higher power maybe a greater thirst than other people, which would cause us to drink and with reckless abandon trying to recover, trying to somehow solve this internal thing that we don't know what it is. And so if we could just seek with the same intensity over on the sober side, that would be wonderful, But it's harder to do because the fix doesn't occur as quickly. The spiritual fix is not instant. You have to work at it every day. And so this is what he says, God couldn't would if he were sought. So if you could imagine the third step is when you decide to become a seeker, whatever that may mean to you. And there's relative levels to seeking. When I saw that, God couldn't would if he were sought. Sought, you know, that's a good word. I think I'm going to sought God. And I got to thinking seek. You know, I remember I was in the Marine Corps and we had heat-seeking missiles. The first sidewinders on our jets were heat-Seeking missiles, And boy, when that missile went out, I mean, in the whole sky, it went where there was heat. I mean you couldn't stop that little sucker. Right up a tailpipe. That's a seeker, you know what I'm saying? Imagine if you saw God with that intensity. Where are you going? Don't bother me. I'm seeking God. But it's hard to get to that level. So I look back, and I always mention this in some of my talks, that my experience with seeking. And the earliest seeking I remember was a teacher said, we're going to play hide-and-seek. Everybody remembers that. In grammar school, we're gonna play hide and seek. Well, what's that? Well, Mary's gonna hide. Cover your eyes. Mary's going to hide. Then when she's ready, I'll say, go look for Mary. Oh, that sounds like a good game. You remember that? Okay, so boom. Here I go. Over here, over here, over here. Over there, over there, over there. I'm starting to lose interest. You know, I was good for two minutes. And I'm going, the hell with Mary. What do I care where Mary is? This game is too hard. I'm not interested anymore. So you could call that like a first grade level of seeking. You know, it was fun, but you had to find somebody soon. You didn't spend the afternoon looking. Then the next level, I remember, was Easter. And my mother said, well, you kids are old enough, my sister and I, we're going to hide. the Easter Bunny comes and there's a basket with six pounds of chocolate in it and it's going to be hidden and when you find it you can eat it all. Can you imagine being given permission to eat six pounds of chocolate? It's like, oh boy. Now this was a little higher level than Mary. This was, let's go for it. So okay, ready, get set. The basement. But, you know, 15 minutes, is it in this room? Could you give me a clue? You could see even six pounds. It's fading. Is it inside? Am I hot? Remember all those things. Please. Jesus, I hate this goddamn game. Give me the freaking chocolate. it. See what I mean? The seeker was losing interest. So then, when I was about 14, we had a golden retriever and of course dogs are the center of families especially out in the country and geez that dog was it. And I came home from school one day and my parents I said, the dog ran away and we can't find him. And he never came back. And he ran away through those woods right over there. Well, guess who spent the afternoon over there? I never got tired. They'd call me in for supper. I'm still looking for the dog. I'm calling his name. And I come home from school the next day and the next day and the next day when I went off to college, when I would come home, guess who would be over in the woods? You never know. I know it's been three years, but he could still be there. Did you ever do that? See what I'm talking about? Are you around? Hey, hey, hey. That's seeking. You follow what I am saying? That's way out of the league of Easter baskets. Could we get that sort of level of seeking for the biggest prize there is so that is an individual decision your sponsor your guide is going to take you through these but the seeking level will always be up to you as an individual can you ratchet up that search a little harder and the rest of your time in AA will be right there in the 11th step. Improve our conscious contact. You follow what I'm saying? Yeah, we got contact but we're going to improve it so that is increase the seeking, whatever that may be. Read more spiritual books, try meditation, go to a retreat, do all the various things that occurred us as individuals So you can see this is kind of leading, sort of this is where it's going to go later on. But the decision here is to become a seeker. I'm going to take the steps and the end of the steps I have done as much as a human being can do to get my self-centeredness out of the way in order that this higher power can flow through me. Turns out it's already there. and we are simply removing the blockages so that it can appear, make its presence known in our lives. And so that's what steps four through nine are for, is to remove everything that is blocking the flow of this spiritual energy through you. So, that may be a different way of looking at the third step, but it's just a way of presenting the picture of what we're doing through stories. And it may help some of you that are new go, oh, I see what I'm doing now. I see why I'm taking an inventory. It's to get there. It's not some stupid exercise that I have to go through to pass a psychological test or something like that. This is really important because I could get the big reward out of this whole thing. So anyway, that sets the stage for how do we get from there to awakening? Okay, I've signed up for school and now I want to get a diploma, how do I get from there to there? And that's what all the middle steps are for, is to remove the barriers between us and our own creator. And that energy, that awareness that there's something bigger than us. And so there's just been a traditional way of looking at these things and they call them character defects, you can call them shortcomings, you could call them sins, anything you want. But there's sort of a standard list, and I'm very big on using both books, 12 and 12, and the Big Book. That's just my personal ... If your sponsor just wants you to use the Big Book, just use the big book. He's the guide, okay? I'm just telling you what for me. If I were to sit here and give you my book review of the Big book versus the 12 and 12 you would hear things like the 12 and 12 is useless about the first step. The big book covers it totally. The 12 and twelve is practically useless with the second step, the big book cover it totally and when I come to step four, I go big book how to do it. Twelve and twelve, it explains what's going on. If you want to try and figure out why am I doing this stuff? Well now we go over here, I'll explain it to you. The explanation. And Bill says, here's the deal. Human beings have instinctual drives. They were born in you. Where did this stuff come from? Where did all these drives come from, God? Oh, he put them in here? Yeah. Oh, then I don't feel so guilty. I thought I put them here. No, God put them there. the drive for sex, security, and society. Everybody wants to have sex, to procreate, to have a family, and it's a very powerful drive that you did not create. Your creator created it. That's in there for you to deal with. It's part of your nature. The same as security. It's just everyone wants a feeling of security. It's a very powerful force, and we sometimes picture it as financial security, job security, family security, whatever it is, but spiritual security is the ultimate. And then everyone wants a place in society where we fit in. I want to be part of something. There's a drive to make us want to be part of something, and we end up being individuals. Remember that? Lone rangers. Being part of something was not most of our nature. But we got the drive inside, and so we're in conflict with our own instinctual drives when we're trying to handle them. Now, here comes the very interesting part of spirituality. If you are simply a human being who is reading magazines and watching television and trying to how do I fix these drives? I mean, I got this demand for financial security. I can't rest. I got the sexual obsession. I got to be more important than I am. What do I do about them? When you analyze that all by yourself, you go, I have to get more. Anybody ever come up with a different answer than that? I got this much and it ain't doing it. I gotta get more, okay. So I go on and I never made a lot of money but some guys did. I asked them, I said when you finally got a million, Did you just go to bed and go, whew, I'm glad that's over. No, somebody might get that away from me, so I had to get two million. You see what I'm talking about? In other words, the demands are, you can't meet them. No matter what you get, they want more. So you're sitting here and you're just going, why would God put that problem in our laps? What kind of a God would do that? You know why? there's a spiritual way of reducing the demand so they aren't bothering us. And it's the only answer that works and brings peace of mind. Therefore, they force us to seek God, which is all he ever wanted us to do in the first place. You see how it's like a, would we have sought him if it was an option? Hey, I think I'll see how God's doing. Don't need him for anything. Just thought I'd check in and thank him for creating the universe. I don't think so. So this is sort of this indirect, but first we have to eliminate all the other ways. say, well maybe if I get another tractor and if I buy three boats, my neighbor has a bigger boat. If I had that one, I know if I had that, I'd finally go there, I'm there, it's fixed. So we all have to explore and run out of possibilities until we turn around and go, okay, you claim this spiritual thing, and that's what Bill writes. This is a way of reducing the demands down to where they're supposed to be. They're not supposed to in charge of us. We are not supposed be controlled by our instinctual demands, but we are. Everybody is. We're powerless over all that stuff. They're there. They won't give us a break. We can pretend they're not bothering us. We can go, how you doing? Oh good, I'm fine. Everything was . So isn't that nice to know That what's going to happen here By understanding these demands That were God given So it's not your fault You have lust It's just that you are stupid If you try to handle it alone Unaided You're going to lose every time Same thing with anger With any of the seven deadly sins You're gonna lose them all They're all going to wipe you out. And the one that kills us is pride, which says, I don't care if they're going to wife you out, you ain't asking for help. Look at that. Is that a setup for disaster? And we just sit there and pride just go, no, no. Don't admit you even have the freaking problem. Your sponsor will be wanting you to do something on that next. so they set the stage in the 12 and 12 of explaining the nature of what this is and then we go over and now we see this is how it's done and it's so laid out so beautiful in the big book with the columns and the paper and you can write out and it is just as clear as a bell and we start through going back with everything we have a resentment about, everything we fear about, sex problems that we have, and just put them all down to people, etc., etc. And it's a wonderful exercise in inventorying for the first time a real picture of ourselves. And when we're willing to do that, and like I said earlier, it generally takes about two years and four hours. Two years to buy the pad, two months to buy the pencil, another month to sharpen the pencil. And then we go okay and there's the four hours that's that was what I was saying so it's a rather long process. It could be longer than four hours but I'm just trying to make a point that most of the time spent is getting ready to do it and so this and our guide our sponsor will be glad to help us as we're trying to work this through and get it all down then comes and I'm going to cover one more before we take a break then comes a step that suggests that we admit this to God ourselves in another human being the God parts are right because he already knows. Myself, that's all right. I already know. But this other human being, I don't think we need to include another human being with this stuff that's here. And Bill points out, well, one of the character defects that almost every one of us has is rationalization. Would everybody agree that we all have rationalization? Well, if you rationalize everything, how do you know this list is worth anything? this could be a bunch of crap well how can we validate what's on this list oh that's the thing I was talking about earlier it's impossible to know the truth about yourself alone you always have to run everything by somebody else that's how it works you always have to running that's how you do it you know what I mean like what's a good way to find out if your taillight is working you pull up next to a guy and say could you check and see if my taillights working see how easy it is when you involve someone else not self-centered people they wouldn't ask anybody they'd try and find a store with a paint glass window in it back up to it look in the rear view mirror I can tell whether a taillite is on without asking anybody else. That's us. I don't do that. When you get over on the spiritual side, no more being alone. No more being along. That fourth step, you have no idea how to put it in a third dimension. It's two dimensions. It is on a piece of paper. It goes up and down and across. Now we got to see the third dimension, which is relatively more of a problem? This or this? How bad is this? How do I see the third dimension by running it by someone else? And it's amazing as we share this and they ask us questions that what we thought was really a big problem was not so important and something we were overlooking turns out to be, wow, I've really got to get a handle on that and we find the whole thing comes into view like it never was you know those three-dimension movies or things you look through and your boom now all of a sudden you see the 3d thing and it's just like wow I never saw myself that way before that's right that's why this is so wonderful to go and share, not only do we see it differently, but we finally are no longer carrying the burden that we call our cross, the heavy burden that we carry. I did a men's retreat. I've been working a year on putting this thing together in Tampa, and we just had it a couple weeks ago. and we had about 55 guys from all over the country and it was for people who'd been around a while trying to go to another level. And if anybody's interested, I got some cards and I'll be glad to give them to you for the ones next year. One of the things we came across was how do things get heavy? When we say we have such a heavy load. And I told this story about when I was in the Marine Corps and we were taking people through basic training. We went on a 20-mile hike. And in order to make it with a 30-pound pack, and boy, you're grinding it out. And one of the tricks the drill sergeants would play At the 10-mile mark, you took a break. And you're drinking water and you're getting a little bit of a rest. And they would pick out one of the cockier recruits. And they'd go up to him and they'd go, O'Reilly, you are unbelievable. I can't believe how great you are doing. You're the guy that we stuck an extra 20 pounds in his pack. You're actually carrying 50 pounds, and you are as fresh as all the rest of the guys. We just wanted to congratulate you. Now, his pack is actually 30. He doesn't finish the march because that extra 20 pounds kills him, and it only exists in his head. You follow what I'm saying? They were kidding him that he had an extra 20 pound. And so here he is mentally carrying 50 pounds and wears them out. So where does the weight come from? It comes from our thinking. We tell ourselves that I am carrying a very heavy burden. And then comes the most important part. We believe it. And once we believe it, we react to it emotionally and we're exhausted. Oh, this is killing me. What? What? Well, someone did this. Yeah. Well, I know they did it and it doesn't bother me. Yeah, but they did the same thing. They did it to my brother. I see. And you're carrying the burden of them doing it to your brother. Yeah. Yeah, I owe it to my brother. Oh, I see. You owe it your brother to put a heavy cross on your back and wear yourself into the ground. Why? We have a... Anybody want to guess what Bill says about that in our literature? He says this word several times. That's really stupid. That burden is stupid to be carrying. And it's just like, so what we did, we had everyone write down their burdens before they came. What is weighing on you? Your resentment, your anger, all of the burdens that you are carrying and bring them on a piece of paper because we're going to have a ceremony to get rid of them. and so we got there and we passed out styrofoam cups and we had everybody tear up all the items that were their heavy burden and put them in the cup to get rid of them, you know what I'm saying? And then you brought the cup up to the front of the room and I had a plastic trash bag and you stood there and you said, let go. And then he went back and sat it down And you said, let God. And you sat down. So the letting go was to just take it out of my hands. So then we had the heavy crosses of 55 men in this bag. And we had this gal that was helping us during the preparing and sort of doing all the stuff that put it together. and she is about as skinny as a toothpick and we asked her to come up and try and pick up these 55 crosses with one hand in this trash bag and she could do that with no effort whatsoever. She just picked that thing up and walked out of the room with it like it didn't weigh an ounce. We're trying to dramatize that problems consist of thoughts which are weightless. It's an illusion that we have these burdens. We have told ourselves, this is very heavy and I must act accordingly that it is that heavy. So when we ask God to relieve us of the bondage of self, that's what we're talking about. the fact that we told ourselves, I am carrying a heavy burden. This inventory process is designed for us to see through a lot of what we are doing to ourselves. And that's really why that fourth and fifth step is so revealing. And we're at the time, so let's take a 10-minute break and then God knows what we'll get for the next hour, but something will happen. Okay, thanks.