Family Resentments – Workshop Steps 1 – Part 1 of 4 – Local AA Speakers

Hi everybody, my name is Angie and I'm an alcoholic. I am really, really glad to be here. I want to thank the Fifth Tradition Group for having me here. I have had a blast. We had so much fun at the workshop and it was just an awesome deal. I'm just, you know, and Robert and Carrie, I just appreciate you guys so much. Thank you so much for everything. And, you know, I've got some new friends and I'm just really overwhelmed with the love that you guys have shown me here today. And I'm Just Happy. I'm happy to be sober. Man, I'm Happy About Life. I'm JUST, you KNOW, I'M JUST A HAPPY CHICK. I'M Just A HAPPY CHIC. I am so, and is Rachel still here? Thank you so much for what you said. That was just straight from your heart. I really appreciated that. I really truly did. You guys give Rachel. Let me tell you a little bit about myself. I'm originally from Greenville, South Carolina. Oh good, some of my relatives, great. And back home we lived in a little white house on a red dirt road. We got our water out of wells. We took baths in big steel tubs. We drank buttermilk and we ate cornbread on a regular basis. I'm from a family of Baptist ministers and I had flaming red hair and freckles and nobody else in my family did. And so my brother had me locked in the outhouse one night and he said, I know. He said, I know why you look the way you do. He said, because the mailman is your daddy. So the next day I saw the mail man and I was like, Daddy! And I ran up to him and he put his arms around me and he told me how cute I was and he patted me on the head. And thank God for the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous and the steps and sponsorship. I found out that turned out to be a little pattern for me actually. that if you just pat me on the head and tell me how cute I was, we were basically married at that point. A couple days ago, I was listening to a song in Cary Underwood. The words were, I don't even know your last name. I was like, finally, they wrote a song about it? Awesome! Awesome! So, like I said, I'm from a family of Baptist ministers and we moved from, well my dad got transferred to Cincinnati, Ohio. And so he moved up there and he was traveling back and forth finding us a place to live. And in the process of him finding us A Place to Live he got himself a little girlfriend. And he moved us up to Cincinnati to this little small town and he went to live with this woman and her children not too far away from us. and I spoke at the Miami Roundup and my brother left home in 1978 from a resentment and he moved down to Miami and he never returned back to Cincinnati he has grown children that neither one of my parents have ever seen so I'm going down there to speak we talked to him on the phone but I hadn't seen him And so I got down to Miami, and I called him, and he came to pick me up. And it's just one of the things that makes me extremely grateful for the program of Alcoholics Anonymous because we went to go, and he came and picked me up at the hotel, and he's in this big, big, big Ford truck. He looked just like he did. But man, he was mad. He was an angry, angry dude. I mean we got back to his house and it was a very very small house and so he said sit on the couch which had plastic on it which was scary and so I sit down on the coach and he's got this huge television so it's like I'm on the catch and the TV is like this and he is saying you want the remote and I was like no I think I can change the channel I'm good and he starts talking about, this is all mine right here. When I came here, I made a life for myself. This is all my land. This is All Mine. Drank him a beer. We talked a little bit, talked about when we were younger, and then he drank another beer. And I saw something happening to him. He started getting even more mad. And I was like, well, look at the time. I better get back to the hotel. So he goes, I'll take you back. So something's happening to my brother. So we're on the highway and you know you go through those little things where if you don't pay, they'll take your picture. Oh, he's driving. I mean, he says, he's doing it hard. We drive right through there. He says, say cheese. And I was like, for what? He said, they just took your picture. Oh, okay. And I'm thinking, aren't you going to get tickets? He didn't care. He was just mad at everybody and everything. And he dropped me off at the hotel, and I went back upstairs, and I called my sponsor, and I told her what happened. And the only thing she said was, aren't You glad you have a solution for your resentment? First of all, the resentment was really mine. And then he got one because my dad had this nice Impala, man. I mean, we all wanted it. And my brother knew that at 16 that he was going to get that car and my dad gave it to his stepson. Oh! Oh! I mean my brother's 61 years old and he is still mad. That's why I'm so thankful for Alcoholics Anonymous. I don't have to be mad until I'm, I mean, first of all, I'm nowhere near 61. Let's get that out there. So anyway, we move up to this little town called Laughlin and I'll tell you what, when we moved up there, my brother and sister automatically knew how to go outside and communicate with kids and talk to them and have a good time. I was the person that watched them do that. I just was not good at that stuff. Man, I was scared of everything. You know, like it was like it just felt like as a young kid that like the whole world was just going to crumble. Feeling of fear. So my mother decided because she had cleaned bathrooms for a living, she decided that we would never have to do that kind of work. She said, you will get an education. You will talk proper English. And she meant that. And she sent me to a Catholic school. so now i got a big red afro a white blouse a plaid skirt oh it was unbelievable i mean i saw me every day i had never seen a black person with red hair and freckles so i knew it was just me against the world i knew that i really did i knew that and so this girl named squeaky squeaky was like 5 10 in the fifth grade And she hung out with these little girls that, you know, like would beat all the kids that were different up. So they would chase me home from school every single day, man. And one day, they stoned me. I mean, you Know, I haven't seen anybody stoned since I just watched the Bible. You know what I mean? And oh my God, I so knew what that guy was going through every time one of them boulders hit him in his forehead. You know What I mean. I knew what That felt like. And so I get home. I run in the house and I run upstairs. I tell my mother, I said, whew, they're about to kill me but I've made it home. And my mother whenever she sounded like this, she said you know Angela, at some point you're going to have to learn how to stand up for yourself So Angela, what I'm going to need you to do is you go out there and you stand up to Squeaky. I said you want me to do what? She said or you can stay in here and get the butt whooping that I'm a getting And I knew what my mother's felt like and I knew where Squeaky's appeared to be. So I walked out to her and they were all standing up by the oak tree and, oh my God. And I walked up to her, and I said, my mother said I'm supposed to, well no, it sounded like this. My mother said, I'm suppose to fight you. And she said, well come on in. So, I thought that the committee that I heard about when I got to Alcoholics Anonymous, when you guys would be talking about the committee, I felt that that only happen like as an adult but i learned looking back that it was there when i was younger because i was standing in front of this big amazon and i remember i closed my eyes as tight as i could and i bowed my fist up as tight as i would and whenever my brother would be play fighting with his friends they'd have pinkies up and uh and he would rock back and forth like this so i'm standing in front of this amazon like this so the committee says now just remember reach up when you swing just reach up and the other one over here going she gonna kill you man i swear you know what i mean and the another one's going do it do it now so all of a sudden I just was like and I reached up and I got her like right here it was like the happiest day of my life I had hit the giant man oh I was so happy man but she didn't budge she didn'T budge at all when I hit her and I remember looking at her eye to eye and I say you get ready to kill me huh and she gave me the big beat down but I got this thing called alcoholism that helps me remember what I should forget and forget what I should remember. And what I forgot was the big beatdown. What I remembered was this. And that's what I heard every time I got in a fight. Until I got to Alcoholics Anonymous, that's when I heard it. Somebody got... I remember when I got sober, I said, you better tell somebody about me. I'm known around Cincinnati as a knockout queen. I was telling all the old-timers that at the coffee bar one day. One of them was like, you need to get a sponsor. I was like You need to check my track record. That's what you need to do, buddy. Get a sponsor for her. Last sponsor I had bought me a t-shirt for softball. Is that what you guys do around here? But then, you know, you work the steps. You got to get a little honest and you know they called me the knockout queen because every time somebody hit me they knocked me out you know so that's that's the story they knocked me out every time so I'm going to this Catholic school and I'm having a little problem with the nuns and you know I would do things like sit in the bathroom and like peel off the butter spots and then flip them up on the ceiling and by the time it was time for me to go back to class it'd be about 50 packs up there and I was like wow why do I even need school I mean look at what they let me do and we had to go to uh to uh mass oh and day and I remember my mother sat us down she goes I don't care what you do do not go up there when they're at communion and take that little cookie don't do it guess what I heard cookie they giving out cookies so I remember getting in line the next day they're swinging incense it's all kinds of partying stuff going on and I get up to the priest and he puts it or says he said something and he puts it on my tongue and I'm telling you I could not wait I just couldn't believe like every day man They go up there, they get a cookie, man. I don't even get a cookies. My mother don't believe in cookies. You know what I mean? But they give them out every day. And I started walking away and I bit into it. And Sister Frances Ellen was looking at me because she's like, wait a minute. And I bit Into it. I said, this ain't no cookie. You guys are fake. So Sister Frances took me out and they called my parents. Back then, they could actually hit you. And she, you know, gave me a couple of sobering swats. And my mother and father came to the school. My father said, what is going on? Why are you in line? You're not Catholic. My answer, I don't know. They was giving out cookies. Those aren't cookies. The next time they came. you are in the third grade why are you telling people you are pregnant this is how my mind works people so i'm gonna tell you something when i took a drink of alcohol i got some relief because i was doing all kinds of crazy stuff all kinds of crazy stuff so my mother ends up when that when we were living down in the projects my mother had got a job at a restaurant she waited tables and she sent us to private school. That's how hard my mother worked. When I came into Alcoholics Anonymous, I told everybody my mother didn't even love me. Thank God for sponsorship and the book because for a long time I assassinated my mother's character in meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous. But once you start working the steps and incorporating the traditions into your life, the perception changes. And my mother work her butt off to see that we had everything we needed. So she got a better job working for a company called Avon. She worked at the plant and my mother moved us from the projects into our first house, a ranch style brick house. Oh it was beautiful I had a lot of backyard. Oh my God, it was an all white neighborhood so from the age of 13 to 20 I wasn't even black no more I listened to Bob Seger and the Silver Bullet Band My favorite girl group was Heart And the first concert I ever went to, baby Was Led Zeppelin, baby 1975 Oh my God, I gotta tell you this So I was at the Ted Nugent Foreigner concert one night And Foreigner was singing Feels Like the First Time And I looked around that coliseum It was about 30,000 white people and me Well, I took out my air guitar i said i am bad i could play my air guitar i could play it good that's all i did drunk at concerts well that's all i did listen to me in my head man i stayed in my head so bad you guys it was pathetic i'm telling you i remember one time and i don't mean no disrespect to aa it's just a couple of drugs in my story don't panic just inhale breathe out slowly. So I had met my best friend, Rebecca. And Rebecca, I hung out with these five white girls. They could do whatever they wanted to do. I couldn't believe it. So we're at my friend Rebecca's house and Rebecca, we're down in the basement with her brothers and her mother comes down. She goes, Rebecca, that's my white woman voice, Rebecca? She said family meeting and every person in this house rose up like a choir and went upstairs and so I went with him I've never seen anything like it and so we get upstairs Rebecca's mother was just this tall stomp woman she had a beautiful wine glass in her hand she spin it around she said Rebecca your father well this is what I hurt. She might not have said it, but this is what I heard. She said, Rebecca, your father and I have been communicating. I swear that's what I hear. We understand that there's been some alcohol consumption. And Rebecca, you're father and I agree that if you're going to drink, we'd rather you drink at home. I said, what did your mother just say? She goes, yeah, She wants us to drink at home because it's safer. I thought that was the closest family I ever met. I remember I went to my house, I was like, Mama! Can I have a beer? She was like uh-uh. It's okay, I'm going down to Becky's. She said just don't be late. And I started hanging out with Rebecca. And one night Rebecca came over to myhouse with a brown bag. Two bottles in it. Boone's Farm Apple Wine. See, it happened again. I'm telling you I talk at my church on a regular basis. When I tell them that I drank Boone's Farm, they don't have the reaction that you guys just had. They feel really, really sorry for me. That I am so excited about drinking a wine that a grape has never been by. So she said that we had to hit the bottom of the bottle and twist the cap off and drink it as long and as hard as we could if her brothers had schooled her in the art of chugging and that is what we were to do. And we did that. And I can tell you that I took that first swig and something happened to me that did not happen to my friend Rebecca. Man, there was a warmth that hit the bottom of my feet and it rose slowly through my whole entire body and I made a decision in that moment that I was going to do this every opportunity I got. don't worry about school nothing I knew man cause it's like when it got to the top of my head I didn't even have red hair and freckles no more man I was somebody I was somebody and I was making people laugh I remember I punched I punched Rebecca and so we just started drinking and hanging out man drinking all the time quitting listening to my parents quit showing up at home the whole shebang just drinking I thought everybody partied I mean we drank and just did the most ridiculous stuff and if you're an artist like me you know that one day somebody's gonna discover anybody ever had that feel I'm somebody's gonna discover me like I wouldn't even be singing like somebody would just walk up to me and go do you sing that's how I saw it and I would be just hey mama my name's Bob from Everett Records I just happen to have a contract that's what I saw and so my parents they had tried to help me I mean I'm drinking and I'm drinking hard. I'm going strong. Smoked a little marijuana. I ain't really like that because it seemed like my answer to everything was, whoa. You know what I mean? You know, so it was like everything. I accepted the unacceptable under the influence of marijuana. I remember I went to school and they was throwing matches in my hair. They said, Pepper, man, your afro's on fire. I was like, whoa, i mean i walked around until my afro was smoldering like cones like so i knew i couldn't do that and then i ate everything that had been in everybody's freezer for about 10 years you know what i mean and trying to explain to people how good you know celery sandwiches were you know i mean so i know i really didn't like the whole marijuana thing And, you know, I tried some hallucinogens and they got me a mental health diagnosis. But I have to tell you guys this. I was with my friend and we used to ride around. Rebecca had a convertible Mustang. Oh, it was nice. Red Mustang with a white convertible. And man, we would ride around and just terrorize the whole time. So one day my friend Rebecca, she had these two little pills. She said, here, take them. She said but just take one. But how many of y'all know I took two? Yeah. I do that with vitamins today. So I take the two little pills. It was strawberry mescaline. Right. It would turn out to be a really bad day. So we're riding around and it hits. And I kid you not, it just felt like the car just went and they decided they wanted to go to mcdonald's so i'm tripping they're laughing we pull up to the mcdownald's i kid you not the steering wheel just popped out like and so it had like a fur thing on it which was even scarier you know what i mean and the mcmdonalds arch was shining so bright, so hard on the side of my face. I had my sunglasses turned around this way. You know what I mean? So we, now for you youngins, it wasn't always digital. Back in the day, it was a little yellow box with about nine holes in it. So I pull up to it. When I pullup to it, you know, this guy is hollering at me, What you want? That's what he said to me. I swear I heard that. What you won't? Tell me what you won' tell me what you want now. So I'm an alcoholic. If you attack me nine times out of ten, I'm going to attack you right back. So I told him, I said, no, dude. With your little buddies, what do they want with me? So I am having this situation with the boss. But as much as I like to fight, I knew that I could whoop him because he is only about this big. You know what I mean? So then we go up to the next window. after they done said whatever they said to my friend to calm him down in the box we go to the next window and some girl I kid you not she pulls this thing open her eyelashes were like I said what the what the hell and I swear she was like give me your money give me a money now give me and I'm like why did y'all bring me here this is awful so then we get to the third window, right? Some dude opens up the window and his visor's like, sawdust catch up. Sawdust catches up. I put my car in park. I didn't know what to do. I froze. I froze traffic was so backed up that they called the police. Right. So the police come right now. He's got parked at the drive-thru like this. He's going to pull his cruiser like right there. He gets out of his cruisers. I was tripping so bad, y'all, that when he got out of his cruises and started walking towards me, everything on him was jiggling. Everything on him was jiggly. You know what I mean? And then right when he got up close, that little badge was like, you're going to jail! I swear that's what it said. So, so alcohol is my thing. alcohol is my thing I mean come on now why should a person have to go through all that you know what I mean let me tell you one night I was at an all-white party the only black person there I took some acid I'm sitting there in front of the fireplace okay I'm melting this this how bad I'm tripping I'm melting but if I look away right when I get to my ankles I'd have come back to life. So here am I at the all-white party. All you saw was me sitting on the couch like this. They asked Becky, they was like, what's wrong with your friend? She's like, she's okay. She told me she was melting. Oh, okay. So just leave her alone. What if I slip? What ifI slip and I don't look to the right And the whole thing just goes into the fireplace, you know what I mean? So yeah, I just had some fear going on there. So alcohol is my thing. And I'm telling you that not because I'm trying to break any kind of tradition, just to let you know that, you Know, I'm an alcoholic who's done some, you know, just a couple little substances. You know, alcohol is My Thing. So meet this guy. If you're an artist like me, you'll know. You're going to be discovered. I'm working at a recording studio my dad got me a job I hit my best Whitney Houston one and I and I come out of the bathroom and his brother's standing there in a suit and he goes was that you singing? I said well yeah as a matter of fact it was He said, I could make you famous. Really? All you got to do is come to Vegas with me. No problem. So I went home and I called a family meeting. And when they finally all got there, I said, I'll be back for you all after I get my first Grammy. Never again will we have to live in poverty. My mother was like, we don't live in property. Whatever! I'll be back for you all. And my father was like, Angie, please don't go. And my little sister was like Angie, don't go. My brother was like don't come. My mom's like So I left and I went out to Vegas with this guy and I was a young girl out in Vegas singing in casinos making a lot of money, opening up for some of the biggest people and having the time of my life. alcohol was flowing freely I drank as much as I possibly could didn't even think about never occurred to me that there was any kind of limit for me because I'm an alcoholic when you put when I put alcohol in my system I drink until I'm done and done may be passed out done may be passed down at your house on your couch I'm the type of person that will come over to your house this is why you wouldn't want me as a friend when I was drinking. I'm the type of person that'll come over to your house for lunch and be opening up your presents with your kids at Christmas time. I never really had anywhere to go, you know what I mean? So I'm out in Vegas, me and this gentleman, and things are starting to spiral down because something's starting to happen to me that didn't happen to be prior to that. I'm drinking and I'm not... I know it probably has not happened to any of you guys in here, But I'm drinking and I'm starting to not remember things. And I'm waking up next to people. I know you ain't, none of y'all did it. But I did. Waking up next the people and both of us wake up and look at each other and go, Dee! He's got one tooth and it's gold. Yeah, alcohol was my thing. so i continue partying and just drinking and singing and drunk on stage and crying like the band would be playing one song and it'd be another one playing in my head and i'd just be like feelings oh god why me you know what i mean and they could be playing because i got a peaceful easy feeling and I'm like nothing more than feeling and finally the guys in the casino said you know what Angie honey you can't work here why don't you try drinking just one why don't, why don's you just drink wine don't drink whiskey it makes you mean all that stuff it talks about those recipes it talked about in the book people were saying to me honey do this don't do that it wasn't until I got to AA that I ever heard the first drink was the problem. I remember I was sitting at an AA meeting and this old-timer said, you know, if you don't drink, you won't get drunk. What? What does that mean? What does dat mean? So this gentleman and I, we started, we had everything. We started drinking it down to nothing. and we ended up in the worst of hotels. And one day he comes and gets me and he says, I need you to drive me to the store. And I drove him to the story and when we got to the storeroom he went in and he robbed the place and he shot and killed the owner. So when he comes out of that store with blood on him he tells me to go and that's exactly what I did. And we were surrounded by police a few short blocks later. And all I remember was that that car door opened I was on the ground and guns were to my head. and the next few months of my life were horrible. I sat in that courtroom, and I listened to this woman talk about what kind of person I was. That we had took her husband away from her and her daughter. I need to tell you that this gentleman just died in prison just a short time ago. And here I am in Atlanta. Here I am in Georgia, carrying the message of Alcoholics Anonymous. The governor gives me a letter and says, get out of Nevada. Do not come back for any reason. And I left there, you guys, and I knew that we got some issues, Angie. And I got back to Cincinnati, and I remember I looked at my parents and I told them, no more drinking, I'm done. I mean that, I're done. Two weeks later, I'm at it again. After I promised it. But I'm going to tell you something. One of the reasons why I don't give people a hard time that relapse is because I remember making a solemn vow not to drink again. Not even having any idea that I was powerless over this thing and that it dictated and managed what went on in my life. Promised them time and time again. But to the untrained ear, we appear to be liars. That's why I'm so thankful for alcoholics and non-alcoholics. I'm s� thankful that I was given a place to come to where I could talk about the shame and the guilt that I felt the constant disappointing of my family. And a long time ago in Cincinnati, you could get on the bus, you could ride it all around for free. It was called Sunday Pass Riding. My brother and sister and myself went. We got to the corner of Liberty and Vine, and oh my God, there was a place over there, a little restaurant. It had pimps and Cadillacs and Lincolns. And I remember my sister looked over there and she said, boy, you couldn't pay me to go over there. My brother was like, shoot, me neither. And I was thinking, I'm going over there tomorrow. What I'm trying to show you is the difference in my brother and sister. They make logical decisions. I see some stuff lit up with pimps and Cadilacs, and I'm coming over there to see what's going down. so I start going downtown Cincinnati and the day came when I didn't take that bus ride back home and I stayed down there and man I drank I drank and I had some friends no neck greasy feet and tie-dye those were my friend's name and they took me in a store and showed me how to steal and I got arrested because you can't steal people's merchandise drunk i mean i had all these clothes on me like getting ready to steal them and then i forgot what i was supposed to be doing so i got price tags hanging out of my pocket i'm an alcohol i'm a drunk you don't go in people's store and try to you will forget so they arrest me take me to jail give me a physical and i find out i'm pregnant and i said well surely a judge wouldn't send a pregnant woman to the penitentiary. How many of y'all know? They'll send a pregnant woman to The Penitentiaries. And I went to the Ohio Reformatory for Women. And I can tell you that the reason why I didn't lose my mind, the first part of me being there was because my child was growing in my stomach and I would rub my stomach and I'd talk to my child and I'll say, I'm going to be a good mother. I mean it as soon as I get out of here. When I got out of prison, my son was four years old, all the way down 71 South. All I could think about was my child. All I could think about was just holding his hand, being his mother, doing what we do. And got to the Greyhound bus station. And suddenly the thought crossed my mind. You ain't had a drink in a while, Angie. One ain't going to hurt you. And it would be years before I saw my child again. Not only that, but I gave birth to a daughter that I gave away for adoption in Bloomington, Indiana. this is what my alcoholism is. So I'm talking to my sister back and forth. God has always blessed me with angels. I'm so thankful. I'm such a big fan of God. I'm just so thankful God has also blessed me with angels and I met this white couple I was trying to work a job and they said look Angie it looks like you're struggling we're going to open up this restaurant in Bloomington that's how I gave my daughter why don't you come over there and help us I said okay because I'm going to give her up for adoption I was talking to my sister back and fourth my sister told my parents you know Angie just had a baby over in Bloomington, Indiana. And when I had that baby, right before I got ready to give birth to her, they threw a tarp over me so that I couldn't see her and they took that little girl and they put her in the hospital and they take her to the nursery and they taken me to medical. And while I'm laying in that bed, I get a phone call and it's my mother and she said, Angie, please bring her home. With a young newborn, I got on the Greyhound bus with a fifth of jack and a newborn baby. And by the time I got to Cincinnati, I was so intoxicated that I almost fell down the steps of that bus with my little baby. And when I walked into that station, my father walked up to me and he took that little girl out of my arms and he said, we got her. And I remember looking at my father and I said, daddy, what am I supposed to do? He said, baby girl, I don't know what you're supposed to do. But she didn't ask for it. And they walked away with my daughter and I walked up to the bar. And I drank like there was no tomorrow. And by this time, I'm living on the banks of the Ohio River. And every day I'm going back and forth. Drinking at the bar, back down to the river. Drinking. Drinking drinking at the bottom. and one day I went to do some substances with a guy and he shot water into my veins and I left out of there, I had a bottle in my hand and I'm drinking and I am just like God please don't let me die like this if you help whatever it is you want me to do, I'll do and I meant that from the bottom of my heart And I got down to this little boarding house that I was at. And when I got to the door, there was a blonde woman standing there. A little bitty woman. And you guys, it was like everything had slowed down. And she said, honey, you don't have to keep living like that. And I said, I'm sick. And I need somebody to help me. And she went back up to this Little Boarding House room with me and she put a rag on my head and she began to tell me about her drinking. And she asked me to go someplace with her. Will it make me feel better? She said, absolutely. and she took me to my first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous and when I got to AA it wasn't a lot of African American people in AA much like tonight you guys have kept this thing going all day but I see you hey girl hey girl hey and I'm walking up to walk and there's these older white guys and I am walking up and they are going my name is Big Book Mike my name 12 and 12 Tom I said well they got interested nicknames everybody had a white cup I said it seems like it's going to be a good party and we walked up the steps and some big biker guy I am coming up the stairs and he grabs me and he goes welcome to Alcoholics Anonymous my name Is Squirrel and i was like uh squirrel bro you're gonna have to let me go man we don't do this where i'm from so we go in the room and she said some guy's gonna tell his story and i go in and some old white man sitting at the podium boy he was telling y'all everything and i'll say why is this white man up here telling all his business like this and then the whole room will bust out laughing i said and they laughing at him So then afterwards, everybody rose up. This is newcomer mentality. Everybody rose up, grabbed hands. I said, oh my God, they're getting ready to pray? Oh my God. They're hypocrites too? And then I saw the president and the vice president on the wall. And I was like, they must be the owners of the company. And then after you got finished saying They started chanting something Something down and back It's worth something if you do it Keep coming back You know, everybody do it to it You know what I mean? I'm like, what the hell are they saying? And then I was like Oh, they say Keep coming Back It squirts if you jerk it No, I'm just joking Lord Almighty I tell ya It's mind to mind Thank God for the steps in tradition I had some serious issues So I hung around AA It wasn't like I had A huge social schedule Or anything And uh You know I was a militant black girl You know Everything was cause I was black You know If you didn't get my coffee In time You'd hear me in the Coffee bar going It's cause I'm black ain't it That's why I can't Get my black coffee Why I gotta drink My black coffee In a white cup Why can't I drink It in a black cup Then I start showing up To meetings and dashikis and stuff. You know? I'm like, why are you wearing dashiki? This is how my mind works. Thank God for the book and the traditions and sponsorship. I was a militant. For what? What's your cause, honey? What you fighting for? You know. So yeah, so I stayed around AA for a little while and you know, everything good. Yeah, yeah. Then people start coming in with this little crack problem. I know it didn't happen in Georgia, but people start coming in with this little crack problem. People, everybody weighs 60 pounds. None of them would blink, which really bothered me. You know, and then I told them I'll sponsor them all. And, you know, I remember telling them I got so mad at them because they just wouldn't do what I told him to do. And I told her, I said, if you, oh my God, if one of y'all don't blink, I'm going to turn this table over. And I stayed around AA for a while and yet you guys were talking about God using you as an instrument. I said you know what, I think God's using me as an ?????????? too. and I think he wanted me to bring some black people into Alcoholics Anonymous. So dude asked if there was any AA-related announcements. I said, yeah. Thanks for the real big book and everything, but I'm going to roll on up out of here and I appreciate everything that y'all have done and I hope y'All know alcohol is bad for you and you know old-timers how sensitive they are so one got up and said, well, get out of Here then. There's people trying to stay sober. We'll see you if you make it back. I was like, oh, hey. Yeah, you ain't had a drink in a long time. And so I left the meeting, and I went down to the bus stop. And I said, the first black person I see, I'm going to carry him the message of Alcoholics Anonymous. So I got on the bus. A brother got on. I said bingo, drunk as he could be. Bingo. Sleet over next to him on the boss. I said my brother, you been drinking? He said yeah, I had a little something. I said well you know, you might be an alcoholic. So he started cussing me out and everything. And I told him, I said, you know, the people at the AA Club told me that you would probably react like this to my information. So I'm going to give it to you the only way that you can receive it and the onlyway that I know how. And I'm from a family of Baptist ministers, so I had that industrial-sized big book, the big one. So I opened it up and I stood in the aisle and I turned that baby to chapter five. And I said rarely. Did you hear what I said? I said, rarely have we seen a person fail who has barely followed the iPad. And the bus driver said, oh, hell no. You got to get off this bus. I said and you, Mr. Bus Driver, are an alcoholic too. So I got off that bus and I went down to the club where I knew it was some black alcoholics. And when I walked in they was on the dance floor dancing like acting like they were having a good time. But you guys had told me about all the masks we wear. So I knew they was in pain. So I went over there. I snatched that plug out of that jukebox. Black alcoholics! It's a place for you. It's called the Double A Club. You never have to drink ever again. They said, what you doing down here? I said, oh, I graduated. And Step 18 say I'm supposed to help y'all. So the owner ended up putting me out and I was reading a big book to the passerbyers and suddenly the thought crossed my mind. You know, one drink won't hurt. If you're new in the room, that's the biggest lie that your mind can tell you if you're an alcoholic. One won't harm you. When I learned the first one was the problem, really got that conceited to my innermost self, man, I've been a happy camper ever since. so I end up you know going to do the deal came back June the 20th 1991 probably horrified and thoroughly convinced I weighed 60 pounds no I'm just kidding it was 90 um I didn't blink my first year and uh called my sponsor and she said that she would sponsor me and I haven't looked back since. If I make it to June, I'll have 22 years of continuous survival. Let me tell you about my daughter. My daughter is 26. She just turned 26 last Friday. She's just moved back to Cincinnati from Louisiana. She went down there to go to college. She went to Grambling State and got her bachelor's. And then she went on to the University of Louisiana and got her master's. And she just came back home. I need to tell you that in my sobriety, I was asked to stay out of my children's life. And I did not. But I had to see them sometimes, you guys. So I would go to my daughter's soccer games. And I would sit way in the corner. And I Would watch her play soccer. And I WOULD GO TO MY SON'S BASKETBALL GAMES. and I'd watch him play and I would be up in the corner bleaching with a baseball hat on watching my baby. I tried to stay away but I couldn't. I needed to see him. I went to my daughter's birthday party last Friday and my mother was there who is now struggling with Alzheimer's. It's been one of the hardest things to have to watch. and my daughter sat there and it was a hike we were just two people passing it's quite difficult but you know what I realized you guys that I had been granted a gift with my daughter and if I got what I deserved I'd never see her but I was blessed to be invited to that party and she's beautiful I mean look at this my son is in prison and will be for quite some time for something he did under the influence of alcohol I've gotten chance after chance and he blew it in one shot and they sent him to prison but I want to thank people man that take the meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous into institution because when I talked to him that day and he said mama my name is Christopher and I'm an alcoholic I said really he said yeah he said I'm sorry no no no You ain't got nothing to be sorry about. Just stay sober. He said, I go to meetings every day. He said I got a sponsor. He said this guy ain't nothing like me. I was like, good. But I'll tell you guys, man. Even though life brings upon situations and circumstances, I need to tell you And for the first time in my life, man, I'm happy, joyous and free. I have to tell you about a big amends I had to make while I was in Vegas. I found the gentleman who lost his life in that robbery. And we found his wife. I had a conversation with him. I had him speak at a convention there. And I asked her if she would meet with me and she said yes. And she showed up at that hotel. And I told her, I know I can't bring him back. But is there anything I can do to make it right? Whatever it is, I'm willing. And she said, honey, I knew that you were special when I met you. I was angry. You just keep doing the Lord's work. And she put her arms around me And for the first time in so long, you guys, I knew what freedom felt like. I knew when it felt like and I came back from that convention. Hey, thank you, God. I believe that God will do things for us, what we can't do for ourselves, but he'll also do things for us that we won't do for ourselves. And that was the that worried me sick since it happened. And I'm free from it. So man, I just go to meet when they call and ask me to come, I'll just come. It's the least I can do. God took me and he put me in the arms of you guys and you have turned this drunk homeless woman into somewhat of a lady. Back home my grandmother used to sing this song and man she would rock in her rocking chair, man she will make us a glass of iced tea and put a little sassafras in it and a little mint man and she would hum this song and we would just sit there and it just seemed like everything was right with the world. I'm going to close with this song if you don't mind. Amazing grace How sweet the sound The sound that saved a wretch like me I was lost, but now I'm found. I was blind, but know I see. Thank you, Georgia. Thank you very much. Thank you.