Step One and Self-Reliance – And Joe H. – Prescott Big Book Study – Part 2 of 8 – Mark H.

your actions don't demonstrate that consciousness. And it's not that we lose the knowledge of the first step. I've had times where I could go give a lecture on the body, mind, and spirit, the three-part problem in the first Step, but the consciousness of the First Step is not there. You know those times when you don't want to make amends and they're just coming into your life and you're making them and you don'T want to? You know Those times when YOU DON'T WANT TO WRITE INVENTORY AND IT'S JUST COMING OUT OF YOU AND YOU'RE WRITING AND YOU DONT WANT to WRITE? That's when the consciousness of the preceding steps is moving you through the one you're in, but that consciousness can be lost. I believe if we really look at step one, we will see a deeper experience with step one in step two. It's not like step one ends when you move into step two, I think the truth about step one and the consciousness that it produces and the power behind that consciousness should get deeper in each step. For example, you've looked at one, two, and three, you're an inventory, you're seeing your first step in black and white. In amends, you're sitting across from somebody in their living room you're seen your first step in color right in front of you. I believe if it is like an onion, you can go deeper into the first step as you move through 1-9. So this lady says whether going forward through the steps or whether going backwards through the steps, what happens to people is they get stuck on the dash. the dash turns upside down into a wall and all of a sudden amends are about the unmanageability of your life things have straightened out why go on? because it's not about what's on the other side of that dash which is do I still believe I'm powerless over alcohol so here's a prayer anybody stuck in amends I got a great prayer for you if you don't want to hear it cover your ears because it will mess up your consciousness and here's the prayer dear God please show me if these unfinished amends have anything to do with whether I drink again or not. Amen. Because I'll tell you what, 99.9% of the people I've met that have gone out, Mark was talking about relapse last night, go out behind unfinished amens. You could use that same prayer around resentments. Dear God, show me if this resentment has anything to deal with whether I'll drink again. You could do that with your daily practice of 10 and 11. I want to talk about steps two and three. If you want to open your big book up to chapter four, We Agnostics. Regardless of length of sobriety, we all have some agnosticism within us. A test of that is simple. Take the last week and ask yourself, in what areas of your life are you experiencing fear? If you have some areas of your life that you've experienced fear, my experience is it's because that's an area of your life in which you're still relying on self. And the reason you're still relying upon self is because you don't trust God with that area of Your Life. Link the time away from a drink has not in and of itself removed at times for me various levels of agnosticism. My first step experience in seeing what that means brings me to chapter four, we agnostics in the second step. Page 44. The book is interesting. They will talk to you and I, ask us to look at our experience to diagnose what's wrong with this because after all no one can tell us anything so we have to come up with our own experience and then they'll repeat and in one sentence they repeat what they spent 53 pages on. If when I honestly want to, I found that I could not quit entirely. So I say, is that you? Did you honestly want to quit entirely? Yes. Could you pull that off? No, I could not. Or if when drinking, I had little control over the amount I take, is that me? Yes, then I'm probably an alcoholic. Now I have my truth. This is me. One sentence sums up the first 53 pages. And if this is the case, if this is my experience, I may be suffering from an illness which only, circle that word, O-N-L-Y, a spiritual experience will conquer. Now, I've worked with people that said, well, Mark, what does only mean? See, the first step will take you down a funnel and at the end of the funnel there's one option, a spiritual experiment. Do you believe that? My first step took away my right to debate with you about God and God's power in my life. My first step is what got me open-minded. My first tip is what keeps me open minded today. My willingness to lay aside prejudice. It's all connected to my first step and my need for power. There's a bunch of you here I know from halfway houses, treatment centers. I don't know about the rest of you but there comes a point in time in your life where I hope you get sick with winding up in places like that and you're in places like that because you're trying to live your life on your power. How's it working? I hope you get sick of that at some point in time. I hope You wake up to your need for power and give up your right to no longer be willing to embrace this God idea and the power of God in your life. And I've had to do that in every single area of my life, from my finances to my physical health to my relationships. all my life situation stuff ties me into this lack of power is my dilemma. Page 45 talks about my resources as marshaled by my will were not sufficient to fail the other way. Lack of power is my dilemma, is it? I had to find a power by which I could live and it has to be a power greater than myself. Obvious, is this obvious? See every area of my life over the years in which I've been sober, in which pain and suffering took me to a place where I wanted it to change. Every single time what I saw in my first step is lack of power was my problem, my dilemma, not knowledge, not knowledge. In every single area of my life ultimately that brought pain and suffering, lack of Power is my dilemma. I'm like a lot of you. I have far more knowledge than I need. What I lack was the power to turn that knowledge into a reality in my life. I'll give you a simple example, and it is tied into drinking, by the way. It's smoking. My consciousness about a year and a half ago said, we no longer wish to participate in this. that was not exciting news at that time so I began a journey now I'm a real alcoholic and everything I do I'll take the easier, softer way so I went to a treatment center the best in the country that works with that and I spent a week there I got a ton of information more information than I wished I'd ever gotten they messed that up for me forever and what I'll report to you is over the last 14 months I've had about 5 months in which I was smoke free it was incredible I'm smoking again is lack of knowledge my problem no, lack of power is my problem see what person in their sane mind would do this thing see I'm insane in that area of my life and trust me I have tried it all so I'm reworking the steps right now and that's an area now is there a connection between this life situation and a drink yes why well you can play that out in your mind how that could look where that could take you what could happen some forms of illnesses that could manifest in your mind one day says oh hell you're going to die anyhow a little drinky poo wouldn't hurt see any life situation I have ultimately is about me taking a drink So this is just one area of many in which I've come face to face with. Lack of power is my dilemma, not knowledge. Now here's another part in this. I have a say in this thing about do I want to recreate my life? And no one can do that and no one kann force me and no one can make me. So those are the things that have all come to me over the years, every area of my life, from my finances to this. Is lack of power my dilemma? Yes. The book says, well, that's exactly what this book is about. this main object is enabling you to find a power greater than yourself, which will solve your problem. I forget this all the time. I think I have to do something to solve my problem. That is not how it works. I pursue a course of action as outlined in the steps and a power shows up and solves my problem because see the part of me that creates the problem is not what I'm going to go to to eliminate the problem. So I take a course OF action to experience a power which solves the problem. That makes my part in this somewhat simplistic. See, I'm not going to be the one who solves the problem. I'm the one who creates it. I pursue a course of action. This power shows up and the power solves my problem. I want to touch on some other highlights if you turn to page 47. When I go back to the second step for me, there's two parts to this and a bunch of great promises. The first part to this is in the middle of page 47 where we're going to ask ourselves a short question. Do I now believe or am willing to believe there's a power greater than myself? I work with this every single time when I go back through the steps. It's a question, a consideration that I have to sit with. Do I not believe or I'm willing to be there's no power greater then myself? In any area of my life around my alcoholism around any area of my life in which I need power? Is there a power greater than myself that I can have an experience with? Is lack of power in some area of my life, is it a dilemma? If you'll turn over to page 50, the bottom paragraph, one of my favorite paragraphs in the whole book, talks about here's thousands of men and women worldly indeed, these men and women flatly declare since they've come to believe in a power greater than themselves, to take a certain attitude toward that power and to do certain simple things. There's been a revolutionary change in the way of living and thinking. Look at the implications of that sentence. That's an amazing promise. If I'm willing to do some things, there will be a revolutionary changed in the ways I live and think. in the face of collapse and despair in the face of the total failure of my human resources I can find a new N-E-W for those you've been around for a while every time through the steps N-e-w new new levels of power peace happiness and sense of direction will flow into me this will happen to me soon after I whole heartedly met a few simple requirements Joe talked about that last night there's some requirements as we go through this process. The requirements that the steps are going to ask me to do are like kissing a baby's butt compared to what whiskey asked me to doing. You lose that first step connection, the second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh, eighth and ninth can seem overwhelming. Stay connected and they will not seem overwhelming Think of what alcohol and or drugs ask of you. Think of what it has taken from you. Stay hooked to that as you move through these steps. I mean, think about this. Okay, do I now believe there's a power greater than myself? Am I willing to choose that power is everything? Well, let's see if I don't. I drink again and all that. Yeah, I think I will. Third step, you're going to make a decision to turn your will and life over to the power. Well, see, I can do that or drink. Oh, yeah. I can write these three inventories, drink. Oh, you read a fifth step, drink, identify my defects, take them to God in the seventh drink, make a list of all the people, all the money, go make amends to all these people or drink. Gee, what's harder? You follow me? See, if you, that's why the steps are circular. When Joe talks about every successive step should take you further into the first step. You need that connection in order to do it. It's no different when you get to the dispens of 10 and 11. Do the dispense of 10, 11, die an alcoholic death. Let me think. See? And then 12-step work, which those of you who do it know, on the one hand, it's a glorious, incredible thing, and on the other, it is just pathetic. Whining and yee, yee. Especially when you still think you can help another alcoholic. Yeah. So, it goes on to say, once confused and baffled, sober by the seeming futility of existence, they show the underlying reasons why we make heavy going of life. Life is not heavy going. We make heavy growing of life based in our perception, our self-will, and our lack of power, our unwillingness to accept what is. We make having going of light. Then the book does something very interesting. Leaving aside the drink question, they tell why living is so unsatisfactory. Living was never going to get satisfactory to me until I had a revolutionary change in the way I think, the way i begin to perceive life and then they describe what has to happen. The consciousness of the presence of God. Joe talked about that. I've done the work also with some people who've been sober a long time they had the same experience he described it's profound there's a huge difference between living in the grace of God and conscious contact with that which provides the grace. And I mean a huge difference. It's like one's going from one side of the planet to the other. If you'll turn over to page 53, middle paragraph, second part of the second step. When I became an alcoholic, based on my experience, crushed by a self-imposed crisis. Self-impose, by the way. I could not postpone or evade. I have to fearlessly face the proposition, God is everything or God is nothing. God either is or God isn't. What is my choice to be? And it is a choice. And by theway, it's the last choice you'll have to make as you move through the steps. You're going to have to take a decision and take some action. This is the last choice that you have to make. God is everything or God is nothing. What are you going to stand on? First step, die an alcoholic death, unmanageable life sober, or make God everything. Gee, what should I do? See? You lose that first step and this second step can seem overwhelming to you. I tell people take a chill pill on the God issue. we agnostics says quit trying to define or comprehend God because ultimately if you're like me you're going to experience God with an organ that is different than your mind. To experience God you must be out of your mind Joe made a statement yesterday which I have found to be very true my mind and my belief systems about God can be one of my biggest barriers to experiencing conscious contact with God any idea about God isn't God. Another question for those that have been around for a while. Are you more interested in consciousness or conception? Page 55. I think I'll let Joe talk for a little bit about the second, and we want to get into the third step. If this thing is about power, and I need power based on my first step experience, then where and how to find that power becomes very important. So on page 55, the book says, I'm fooling myself for deep down inside every man, woman, and child is a fundamental idea of God. This idea may be obscured by calamity, by pomp, by worship of other things, but in some form or other it, this idea of god is there. For faith in this power greater than ourselves and demonstrations of that power in human lives are facts as old as man himself. I finally saw a faith in some kind of God was a part of my makeup. That means you don't have to do anything to bring it about. Just as much as the feeling I have for a friend. Now, the next sentence tells you how you're going to experience this power. You have to search fearlessly. But it says the power is there. The power is as much a fact as we were. we're going to find the great reality deep down within ourselves that's where you're going to find God how we're gonna experience God's power is to take the rest of the steps where we're gong to experience God powers deep down with in us and in the final analysis it's only there that God can be found and that has been my experience steps four through nine are about facing and being rid of that which has you blocked from experiencing that which is closer to you than breathing. Now, that's a paradox. I mean, people say to me, well, Mark, I've got to find God. Excuse me? What do you mean you have to find God? Where isn't God? See, if there's nothing but God, there can be no God. All is God. All that these steps ever did for me was make me awake, aware, mindful, conscious of that which is always present to me. if I'm not feeling separate from that, identified with my mind. The main problem centers in the mind. I don't go looking for God. I didn't come here seeking God. I was given a precise, specific, clear-cut set of instructions. I took those and I came to experience this power, and I didn' t have to go anywhere. Joe's got a funny story about that he'll have to tell you because he went down to India. I made a quote. Up to India? Up to India, yeah. But I'll let him talk about steps two and three. I'm laying there in bed one night and it's cold in India this night and there's no power this night. And I'm in bed and I'm freezing to death and I have my little Walkman that runs on batteries that I pull out of tape of Marks from about four years before I even thought of going to India and I am laying there and I freezing and it's not easy this night. We've all had those dark nights wherever you might live with the heat on and in the middle of this tape Mark goes, you know you don't have to go to India and study with the Dalai Lama to and then I remember my grand sponsor Gary Brown called me one time before I went but I knew I was going and he said you know, you got to be really careful within And he said, you know, you've got to be really careful with intuition. You can be off by one or two letters. How do you know your intuition is not saying go to Indiana, right? Like in that movie, ever saw that movie Always where there's like this prophet and the prophet keeps telling him don't go, but all he hears is go, go, right? I believe this big book contains the long form of the 12 traditions, the short form ofthe 12 traditions. The long formof the 12 steps and the short form of 12 steps. We've already seen in the first step there is a lot more than just admitting that you're powerless over alcohol and that your life is unmanageable. That's the short one. I love when somebody takes that spiritual principle and makes it into one word where do they get these one words first step hope second step i mean whatever and they make up their own i know one that's left out i think is in every single step the spiritual principle of admission to let in to let truth in to let it be to let the truth be the truth so if there's more to step one in the long form we learned we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholic bodily, mentally, spiritually this is the first step in recovery another two important lines that I think sum up the experience that you should be feeling by the end of step one I believe are at the bottom of 42 second paragraph here's the bottom line to the first tip last line of the second paragraph this process snuffed out the last flicker of conviction that I could do the job myself. And the last line on that page, quite as important was the discovery that spiritual principles would solve all my problems. And then, of course, the summary on the bottom of 43. The scary thing about at a certain time, you have to ask yourself, do you know what that certain time would look like, feel like, or be like? And if you're truthful with yourself and you're anything like me that certain time came when you were feeling good feeling bad those horrible times when you're just not feeling much at all things going good things going bad so try, pray, pray that your first step is not grounded in circumstance or emotional state you got to ask yourself maybe you're an emotional drinker but now your way is down the road your emotions have straightened out maybe now you can get away with a few drinks if you were just an emotional drinker who drank when they only felt bad. If it's a severe emotional problem, work on your emotions, get them straightened out, find a way to cope with them and deal with them and work on them, and then maybe now you're like a normal person. Or maybe you're a circumstantial drinker. Things go bad, you drink. Or maybe your real alcoholic and emotional state doesn't matter as far as the craving and the obsession and circumstance doesn't mater either. I think sometimes I love when I'm sitting in a meeting and I hear medical doctors, psychiatrists, and religious people condemned in our program, failing to remember this. The first step came from a doctor and a psychiatrist. We got the craving from a non-alcoholic doctor, Silkworth. We got that craving from the doctor We got mental obsession from the father of modern day psychology, Carl Jung. The mental obsession. The spiritual malady we learned a lot from a non- alcoholic doctor, Harry Thiebaud. and 2 through 11 basically came from a fundamental religious organization called the Oxford Group so be careful when you put down it's interesting that our entire program comes from non-alcoholics but it happens between one alcoholic sitting with another and you really need that connection, addicts working with alcoholics and alcoholics working with addicts you know, if you have a choice find somebody with the same first step I mentioned going deeper into the first step as you move into step nine I also believe your second step gets deeper your third step will get deeper or you'll get further away from those three considerations the first half of step two this is what we do with someone you would think having seen what you've seen in step one that it's now time to go home and see how much faith you have I found something really interesting with our big book it says and this can be with somebody with time too you've come through the first step you're looking at step two the first proposition is do you now believe or are you even willing to believe that there is a power greater than yourself a lot of newcomers think they take the second step they're supposed to wake up the next day with absolute faith it doesn't say do you not believe or are you willing to believe in a power greater than yourself, just that there is. You go home and you say to yourself, well I believe this much, and now I should increase my faith and go home and see how much faith I really have. I found the big book says, well isn't about this much of it really faith in other things, people, sentiment, money, and yourself, your own mind, and it gets smaller. Isn't about this much of it about money, Santa Claus God, worship of things, sunset, even the sunset the sea or a flower can distract you from looking within even when your motives are good it can be a block to God so I think the first half of step two is to see that you have about this much faith and what we do is we have people go through the entire chapter with this proposition in mind do you now believe one short question do you know believe or are you even willing to believe that there is a power greater than yourself. Go through the whole chapter, mark any word, any statement that helps you face where you don't believe. You face your agnosticism in step two. A lot of people think step two is about insanity. Insanity is in step one. Now you're asking, do I believe I can be restored to a place? In my case, I don't want to be restored. I want a new mind that's sane. I don'T want to BE restored to the mind I was born with. That got me in trouble for the next 50 years right i want a new mind am i willing to believe god can do that so i need to see where i have doubt and mark those word or statements that stand out to you honest doubt prejudice worship of things people sentiment money yourself believing your mind if it's not in your mind it isn't there's nothing beyond what you think because they're going to take you to a place where you're going to start to rely on something other than logic and reason. It's a promise in our program. I'd like to also talk about, I met a man in Denver when we got sober who was in the Red Brigade of the Oxford Movement and then came to Alcoholics Anonymous, I think when Alcoholics Anonymous was two or three years old. He told me that this book was written by drunks for drunks and that here and there, once in a while, they're going to put a word if you're looking for a way out. They call them traps, probably, maybe, rarely. And I think in that first paragraph in We Agnostic, they give you a couple words that would help you if you're looking for A Way Out of this deal. If when you honestly want to, you find you cannot quit entirely, or if when drinking you have little control over the amount that you take, you're probably alcoholic. Now, probably is a good enough word if you're looking for a way out, but I believe another word is or because I've had people that are not clear on the craving or let's say they're not clear of the obsession, but they're clear on one or the other and they get to that line and they say, see, the big book says you don't have to have both. Because see, the first line is describing the obsession. I can't stay stopped. The second line is describing the craving you got to have both to be powerless here's the deal let's say every time you drink you get the craving overwhelming craving to have to drink more every time you drink but you don't get the mental obsession you know what the message is for you just don't drink no matter what and you'll never get that craving again make up your mind and don't ever drink just like if you're allergic to strawberries quit eating strawberries and if you don'T have that you You'll be able to do that. Or let's say the other way around. You don't get the craving, but you get the mental obsession. Hey, next time you get The Obsession, just drink the way you want to drink. You've got to have both to be powerless. I'm powerless when it's not in my body. I'm flawless when it is in my own body. I'm powerless when it isn't in my Body. Both of those make up the first half of Step 1. My life is not unmanageable because of the mental Obsession. I'm powerful over alcohol because of a physical craving and a mental Obscession. So we get to this first question. do I now believe if you're new it's great and I bet those that have been around for a while would never think gee maybe after 20 years all I have to do is be willing to believe that this power can take me past where I am see because if you've been around for a little while this first question is not going to be relevant 15-20 years sober do you now believe or are you even willing to believe that there is a power greater than yourself of course you do so some people in Denver told me there's something you can add to that question that will make it as relevant no matter how many times you've done the work. And the question is this, do you now believe or are you even willing to believe that this power that you say you've had faith and experience with can take you past here? All that you've seen in step one to levels of freedom and peace you can't even imagine. But you've got to clearly see the first step. If you've been around, start by looking at the current manifestations of page 52. And whether you're new or old or in between, here's a proposition for you. Is it possible when you're sitting in a meeting talking about the unmanageability of your life, you're really talking about a drink and there is no disconnection. The dash is not real. The dash isn't an illusion and the unMANAGEABILITY OF YOUR LIFE IS A DRINK OF ALCOHOL AND THAT THERE'S NO SEPARATION BETWEEN WHINING ABOUT THE RELATIONSHIP BECAUSE YOUR EGO HAS A DRINK UNDERNEATH THAT PROBLEM OR HOW YOU'RE FEELING THERE'S A DRink UNDERMEANTH THAT PROBLAM HERE'S THE PROPOSITION IS THERE ANY SEPARATION NOW, I DON'T CARE HOW LONG YOU'RE SOBER between the current unmanageability and a drink of alcohol and see what separates you from that unmanangeability that's currently going on and why you're not drunk. And you'll see it's nothing more or less than the grace of God. Now, how do you get from being willing to believe that there is a power greater than yourself to choosing this power to be everything or nothing? You go through the chapter again and you'll find words and statements, mark them in another color, that take you from your simple willingness to believe to choosing everything or nothing you'll find them there's statements like as soon as a man can say he's willing he's well on the way upon this simple all kinds of statements like that that take you from bridge to shore that last mile and i'll throw this out just for some discussion maybe later i believe if you want to live if you've answered that fundamental question at the beginning do you wantto live ifyou think there's a choice at step two it's based in a first step reservation, because if you want to live, I believe when you get to what you think is a choice, there is none. And if you think there's a choice at step two, it's based in a first-step reservation. This work was as relevant to me this time, 21 years sober, as it was the first time. I'm more awake. I started by looking at the unmanageability. I saw there is no separation between that and a drink, and the only thing that keeps that from happening is grace. I was asked to look at fear. Is there any fear? Because you know a place that a lot of us have missed? We had to fearlessly face the proposition. I think fearlessly means without fear. A friend of mine told me his sponsor told him fearlessly mean with fear, but you do it anyway. No. Fearlessly means fearlessly. And here's what I'll throw out for you. If, when you get to this proposition, God is everything or nothing, that the book says we have to face fearlessly. If there's any fear about drinking again, it's a first step of reservation that you can do something about not drinking again. Because I believe fear is always rooted in an idea of self-reliance. Doesn't the book say that? Fear is because self-reliance fails. If you're in fear, there's a lurking notion that you could do something. We used to say things like, you can't go to the second step in a good mood. why not maybe the first time and if you're being motivated by the fear of drinking again great if it gets you through amends but there will come a time for those of you that have been around for a while that to fearlessly face this means to fearously face this without fear look through the fear see the lurking notion rooted in self-reliance the fear goes away and i was able I was given the grace to fearlessly face this proposition with no fear of drinking again because I don't think there's anything I can do about drinking again. The experience of the experience is more important than any explanation. I take the course of action, and the experience happens to me and through me. And I don'T label it, and I DON'T prejudge it, and I don'T presuppose to know what it's going to look like. page 60 I want to talk about the third step come up to the ABC's is this my truth I'm an alcoholic and cannot manage my own life and I have an experience with that probably no human power could relieve my alcoholism is that my truth we all over the years have had many humans influence us in recovery from alcoholism they are like the big book or the steps they're pointing us to this power that's all that they can do see God could and would if he were sought being convinced of that I'm in step three and I'm going to make a decision turn my will and life over to God as I understood God I don't understand God because the organ I would have to use to talk to you about that is my mind. God is so far beyond that. So the God of my understanding today is I don't understand God. I quit trying to turn my hair white, I'm only 29. Some of us have attempted to intellectually come to know God. You will go insane. Ten years they locked me up in a nut house. I'm going to figure out the God thing versus an experience with it. Now, there's a requirement before I make my third step decision. I love going back and looking at this third step every time through the work. I have always, every single time, been awakened to more things about myself, my self-will, how I come in life, and God by going back in and looking atthis again. But this requirement is, am I convinced my life run on self-will can already be a success. I look at that from a position of being free from alcohol 21 years. Am I convinced with this length of time that my life run in self-willed can already be a successful? And now the book's going to take about a page and a half to describe what this looks like. So, I always go through this process with my current experience with my life and it talks about when I run my life on my will, I'm always in collision with something somebody, even though my motives are good. I love to live by self-propulsion. I'm like an actor. I want to run the whole show. I want to arrange lights, ballet, all of you, AA, my home group, all my employees, my girlfriend, in my own way. And if you all would just stay put, if you always do what I wish, then the show would be great. And I read this and I say to myself, this stuff is going on again how did this happen how did this happen see the crazy thing in that part of the third step is I think if you do what I want not only will I be happy but you'll be happier too I'm like an actor who wants to be a director who ends up being a producer that works a lot better in Los Angeles I think you got a feel for what we produce and it says well what usually happens and all what this is attempting to do is introduce me to something which is contained in my decision in the bottom of 62 it's trying to show me how I like to play God the bulk of the amends that I have made since I got sober came from my attempts to play God it's a critical for me that i see that and experience that so what happens the show didn't come off very well i begin to think you don't treat me life life doesn't so i'm going to exert myself more i become in the next occasion then demanding your graces talks about ultimately what happens is i become angry indignant and self-pity what's my basic trouble I'm a self-seeker even trying to be kind I'm the victim of the delusion I'll be satisfied and happy if I can manage well and I take all of my time attempting to manage well which is also then where all my fear comes from talks about it's evident to all the rest of people in life these are the things I want it gets in and describes the fact that I am self-centered page 62 this is the first time the book is going to finally tell me what's really wrong with me. Selfishness and self-centeredness is at the root of all my troubles. And when you are selfish and self centered, you're going to go through life being driven by a hundred forms of fear, self delusion, self seeking, and self pity. I'll give you a consideration. Look up the word driven and look up the word choice and ask yourself this question, particularly if you've been sober for a while. do you have parts of your life in which you are being driven versus making choices go back in just the last year and quote one of the great tricks that my mind did with me is it got me to believe that sober I was making choices until I looked at some of them they were insane they were absolutely insane choices meet her on Friday and marry her on Tuesday I mean I could go on and on and through repetitive times through the steps I came to understand I wasn't making choices that I was being driven and there was no choice because when I'm into self-will there's not choice there's only the manifestation of how I think my self-well is going to be manifested choice comes from a state of neutrality with an unselfish motive and it talks about then and it's a setup for inventory when you go through life being driven it's like the reverse of a four column inventory imagine the fourth column first fear, self-delusion, self seeking, self pity what does it do? it causes you to take a course of action you step on the toes of your fellows column one there we tell a column two you're hurt column three but it all started with four it's a circular deal what you put out will come back to you when we get to the resumption inventory you're going to write a four column you're gonna start with column one two three and come to four but four sets the ball rolling because you're being driven and it says invariably you made decisions based in self which place you in a position to be hurt so our troubles are of our own making now the book starting at page 62 also does something very different. It begins to take a light and shine it on ourselves, and it's no longer about them. Some friends of mine in Nashville had these laminated things put up. It's not about them. And they're going all over meetings, and if someone starts whining about them, they give them one of the laminated cards. It is not about you, your perception, how you experience it. My troubles arise out of myself, and I am an extreme example of self-overrun right, though I do not think so. Next sentence to me is one of the most important lines in the big book, seldom talk. Above everything, I must be rid of this selfishness or it will kill me. You must see the connection between your selfishness and dying an alcoholic death. See, if I don't get rid of my selfishness, what's going to happen is the show's not going to turn out the way I want. I'm going to create a spiritual malady within myself. I're going to become diseased, and my mind at a certain time knows what'll treat that, which is a drink or a line of cocaine, and I'm going to put that in my body. And a guy like me is facing alcoholic death. That's the connection. The only way I get rid of the selfishness is do the work in the rest of the step. So the bottom of 62 is my third step decision. This is the how and the why, but I got to quit playing God. Hopefully I'm gonna wake some of you up this weekend to how you still play God in people's lives and the harm that that creates instead of giving people the dignity to just be themselves. I don't ever attempt to force this work on anybody or a spiritual way of life anymore. You do this work enough times and you start to see what you'll do out of your virtue. Oh, I want to help them. I only work with people who give me spiritual consent. Why? Because I quit playing God in other people's lives. That's why. I'm not here to rescue alcoholics and fix people. You want to stay caught up in pain and suffering and misery? Have a great day. I'm here to dance and have joy and all those other incredible things, and I'm going to leave you the dignity to stay in your suffering if you want. I mean, the theme of this weekend is how free do you want to be? Unbelievable freedom available to you. Then we get to make this incredible third step decision then, based on the fact that I finally know why. I'm gonna quit playing God. why, because me playing God doesn't work, and I'm clear finally why I'm going to make this decision, because I'm gonna die an alcoholic death if I don't. And this decision means I'm gonna say a prayer which is an affirmation of the decision, and then I'm gonna be willing to do the rest of the steps. We talked about myths last night. How many people at some time or right now believe the third step is turning your will in your life over to the care of God? A lot of people believe that. Go home, take the third step, come back the next day, your entire will and life's turned over to the care of God. It's not. It's just a decision. How do you turn your will and your life over to the care or God? By taking actions you can't take contrary to your will and against the way you've lived your life in four, five, six, seven, eight, nine. So let's say that the first step is like an onion. And you think, wow, haven't I done well in admitting I can't control booze once I start to drink? They say, no. What about when you're not drinking? Okay, I can't keep myself stopped once I've stopped. How about that? No. What about the ability to manage your life, your emotional nature, misery, depression, making a living that you feel passionate about, being of real help to other people, overcoming uselessness and fear? Then you come to that and you go, wow, haven't I seen enough? And then they go, can you really advance your spiritual growth on your own power? Then they take you into the deep forms of self-will. Then you're in an inventory. Then they say you can't wish away anger any more than alcohol. You can't make fear go away. You don't have what it takes to bring any power to a relationship. The sex inventory is not about sex. It's about relationship with ourselves, god and other people then you say okay i've done well in admitting all this stuff but now i'm going to work on my defects now that i've admitted them then they say wow if you could work six and seven have at it right if i could work seis and seven i certainly wouldn't be working eight and nine then you'd say well i finally surrendered i can't even make my i can'T even fix my own defects now i'M going to go out and repair the damage do you have the power to do that well now as i do that i'm going to practice 10 and 11 and i'm going to maintain one of the biggest first step reservations are people in 10 11 thinking they're the ones that bring about the daily reprieve by maintaining their spiritual condition that's a gift too they don't call presence presence because it's not a gift they call presence presents because it is a present the gift how about this one work the steps to the best of your ability and a friend says didn't you tell me a couple weeks ago the best of yourability is to be glued to a bar stool unable to get up messing up everybody in your life I'm going to work the stepstothebestofmyability don't have the power to do that it just goes deeper and deeper and deeper go back to everyone you ever hurt you got the power to do thata guy said to mark one time in Texas because in Texas they're tough and they love God will do for me what I can't do for myself but I pretty well better do what Ican do formyself right and this guy says to Mark the idea that you can finish every amends you're aware of is like thinking you could take a feather pillow to the top of the Empire State Building throw them feathers out and go find every one of them and right off the top of his head with no thought Mark said what if you had a personal relationship with the creator of each of those feathers could he take you to him because we know people after people who've been given the power and the grace and the guidance and the direction to make every amends they're consciously aware of. I can't do that. I can'T keep myself sober. I can' t reduce my self-centeredness. I can''t wish fear away. I can ''t manage anger. So it just goes deeper. So I would like to say this to you. If you''ve seen the manifestations of page 52, and it's an internal condition, the spiritual malady does not mean your spirit's sick the spiritual malady means that it's a real malady to be shut off from your spirit the spirit is 100% pure it's within each and every one of us it's just covered over, it's like a diamond in the rough it'slike a diamond in the mud God's going to clear away the mud to get in touch with that which has always been there given to you at birth so I'm going to propose this if you've seen the current unmanageability ask yourself is there any separation between that and alcohol and what is that separation why aren't I drunk is there any separation between your unmanageability, alcohol and your agnosticism a woman said to me the other day and it was so clear my agnisticism is my alcoholism they're not two separate isms they're no two separate issues your sponsor said tome my aggnosticism is my alcoholisim and my agnosticism as I currently experience it today is a reflection of the unmanageability the stuff that I'm feeling tension with if you didn't have agnisticism you wouldn't have unmanangeability life's going to go on page 52 is not going to go away there's going to be ups and downs with relationships money useless usefulness working with others help believe it or not folks life's going to go on the key is to be at peace with the way it is. But I'm experiencing this tension and it brings me back to the work and I see how it's manifesting. I don't like smoking, I don' t like weight, health, I got this stuff. It's internal. It's my view. It's perception. I'm not at peace. I'm experience tension. It's a drink. Why aren't I drunk? And I realize the grace of God. I believe in the realization of the grace of God is a first step experience way beyond being scared by what it was like because what it was like is not what it's like now and you're not drunk the grace of God there's a first step experience in that realization like I never had so I believe if you've seen the current unmanageability it will be your eight step list it will be your amends we're just going to expand on the manifestations of 52 and if there's no separation between someone I owe amends to and my willingness and my defects and my admission and my inventory and my self-will and the decision I've made about step three and my choice about God is everything or nothing and a reflection of my current agnosticism, it will be a reflection of the unmanageability which is alcohol. That's how they're connected. I had times the further away I got from one, the further way I got from one. My mind used to tell me step one's only true when you're in it. but I've also had these times where in the ninth step I have a deeper consciousness of my first step as it connects to step two, as it connects to step three, as I've seen in my inventory, as i admitted to you as i saw my defects that i can't fix, i make my list and it is the current unmanageability they're all connected, the steps aren't separate the big book talks about an arch through which we're going to pass to freedom we should go back and cover that just for a moment, because at the end of the fifth step, they're going to ask you some questions. If you haven't been thorough, it would be really confusing. They're going to ask about stones. Stones. They are going to ask you about cement. They will ask you how you made that cement. So let's start with the foundation. The foundation is my first step. The cement described on page 17 is equal parts of common problem and common solution. Watch people who are always involved in the problem. Watch meetings that only focus on the problem Watch meetings that only focused on the solution. It's a dangerous job not to see both. We only want to hear about the solution here. You'll turn out some zealots. You'll turnout people that are really rigid with the word but they always seem to forget that with every common solution there is a common problem That page says there should be equal parts, sharing in a common problem and sharing in the common solution, which joins us. It doesn't join most of us in Alcoholics Anonymous anymore and that's just the way it is. But those of us in this room, I think we're interested in a Common Solution because we share in a Commonwealth problem whether it's drug addiction or alcoholism or both. So the cement is described on page 17. At the first proposition and the second step, do you now believe or are you even willing to believe, they call that the cornerstone. I've never laid brick, but I was told that's the first stone put on the foundation. They usually put a date on it, right? Boom, there's my willingness to believe that there is a power greater than myself. You put some more stones in place between that and the keystone, which is at the top of the arch that balances the whole thing and that's my third step decision. I see the third step in four parts. Am I convinced of the ABCs? And isn't it neat that once again, all the work I've done in the description of The Alcoholic, Doctor's Opinion, Bill's story, There is a Solution, more about alcoholism, the chapter to The Agnostic, in relationship to my personal adventures, drunk or sober, have made clear three pertinent ideas. That drunk or sobre, I'm alcoholic and I can't manage my own life. Remember, the unmanageability is an internal condition, not out here. it's really hard to work with guys sometimes who have it all going on out here but they see that they're empty and separate and shut off inside the spiritual the unmanageability is an internal condition it's reflected out here, but not always, that no human power can relieve my alcoholism so much for thinking your sponsor is going to be like God you know what we do you know one of the big problems I've had in Alcoholics Anonymous I've made humans into God and got into a human. We were talking about trust the other day and I said to this guy, which was said to me, trust, human, you know, I was let down by my sponsor. He lied. Oh my God. You know, I've gone to people in Alcoholics Anonymous that are clear on their work and made amends and I'll ask them what I can do to make it right and they'll say stuff like, don't ever lie again. Oh, okay. I'm going to go home and just not drink no matter what and I'll never lie again and I will get back to you, right? Trust humans to be human. Trust God to be God. But quit making God into a human and humans into God. No human power can relieve my alcoholism and do I believe that God not only can but He will. Most of you in this room unless you are brand new I would say you will never have a problem with the question Can He? But every time through the work once I've seen my current stuff, I have some reservations sometimes about, will he take me past here? So the first part is, are you convinced of those ABCs? The second part is a requirement. Am I convinced that my life run on self-will is not successful? And if you're not convinced, they gave you about a page and a half that helps you be convinced of where you're learning your life on self will. Let me throw this out there. Why would any alcoholic ever decide to turn their will and their life over to something other than themselves if they were still doing a good job running their life on their will? To make a decision to give your will and your life to the care of God, you have to be convinced that your life run on your will is not successful. And that's the first requirement of the third step. Am I convinced? Then the decision. the third step decision is not the prayer the prayer is an affirmation that you've already made the decision and you know what great promises come to pass just for making the decision they're in the next paragraph after the decision what's the decision I'm going to decide that from hereafter this is what I would like God to be I would like God to me God and I would like me to be me rather than an actor who thinks he's a director I would like to be an actor who follows the director rather than an agent that thinks he's the principal? My God, I don't know how many years I had to go to therapy until a therapist finally said to me, you're not the creator. You're not the healer. You are here because you are the creator and you need to be healed. You aren't going to heal yourself. It made all the difference in the world in therapy for me when I realized it was not an answer. It was another four-step tool to discover truth that I then need to take to God. I'm not the healers and I always wondered why when I would leave a therapist's office and they'd say, wow, you've done some great work. Now you have to cope with it, work on it, deal with it, and fix it. And I would walk out of their office feeling like I was just carrying a thousand pounds. I finally met a man who lived with Thomas Merton, who's also a psychotherapist now, Dr. Jim Finley, and the first time I sat with him he said, we always bring this truth to God. And i saw therapy as it is. It's a four-step tool to continue to discover truth that you then need to take to six and seven. It's not an answer. I thought it was a seven step thing. It was a four step thing, and the lady gave me that one night in Denver. So where am I with this decision? What does it mean to me now for God to be the director and me to be the actor? For God to be the principal and me the agent? For God be the father and me a child? Those things have changed. i make that decision and amazing things start to happen they're in the third step promises before the prayer but they know that we were alcoholics and we all we all have some reservations isn't it interesting that after the prayer after the third-step prayer they say we thought well before taking this step making sure that we could at last abandon ourselves utterly to god we consider that before we do the prayer are you at last ready to abandon yourself utterly i went to a thing in india and this guy came over to my house and he said you got to come to this talk it's going to be one of the greatest talks you've ever heard on god i said well i've heard some pretty good ones with from people whose lives are on the line you know seeking god with light with your life on the lion is a little different than seeking god based on virtue Isn't it a great thing that we have that motivation of life and death? We just don't have to just raise ourselves up every day because we're good people and do it out of virtue. We do it ought of desperation. There's no virtue in seeking God for an alcoholic. It's not always a pleasant thing. So this guy comes to my house, he says you got to come to this talk on God. I'm going, I'm gonna go. I'm wanna go anywhere. Mosque, temple, synagogue, I don't care. God's God is either there or He isn't. You're either free or you're not. a lot of people get stuck in religion never find the spirit so i go here's this guru looking guy indian looking guy we sit for a few minutes and he opens his mouth and he says there is no god and i looked at my friend and i thought i'm here to hear talk about god and this guy said there is no god but i am not an atheist now how can someone say there isno god buti'mnotanatheist and my mind starts. I'm 17 years sober and I thought I was not much interested in conception anymore. I'm interested in experiencing the consciousness of the presence of God, not ideas about Him. But my mind started and there's some old stuff. And he starts into this thing about a car. Pull the tires off. Is it still a car? Pull the engine out. When is it no longer a car and then I really didn't know where he was going. Then he starts to do a body and he says there's a basic some kind of philosophical belief system that the whole is the sum of the parts. He said, that's not true. Take a little baby, innocent, purely innocent, filled with bliss, love, God. Make just one little cut or stop the air. Form didn't change. The sum ofthe parts didn't changed. Where'd the life go? Then I really didn't know where he was going. Then he did it with the human body. Pulled the arms off. Is it still human? When is it no longer human? Then my mind is just going like this, right? and he said, I'd like to lead you in a prayer. And I thought, what in the world are we going to pray to if there is no God? He said, let's pray to relieve God of the bondage. And I heard those terms that we say a little different. I said, I thought to myself, pray to relief God of the bond age. And then he repeated himself, let's play to relieve God of the bond age of the personalities that we've imposed on them. You got to quit calling a verb a noun it's not a person, a place, a thing even though it's all those things there is no God but there is nothing but godliness the creative intelligence of the universe underline the totality of things that's alive within each of us quit calling a verb a noun there is now no God once you say God you've limited it to a box of definition and conception but there ist nothing but godliness why don't we take a 25 minute break come back at 11 o'clock and we'll start with the third step prayer anybody that can take a couple minutes read from the ABC's to the prayer use the microphone why don'T we start with a moment of silence maybe a few moments before we start that how about a few moments of silence each in your own way moments of silence Mark will take us through a guided meditation on the proposals that we've considered so far up to the prayer and then I would like to read the original prayer that Dr. Bob wrote with Clarence Snyder for the third step and fellowship and love we ask that you open our hearts and minds we have taken a look at the first step in the concept that when we take a drink we lose control we've looked into our own experience to find out our own truth does this happen to me, is this me does my experience abundantly confirm that once I take a drink that I begin to lose control do I have this allergy do I experience this phenomenon called craving we took a look at the idea that the most insane act that we could ever commit we commit when we have no alcohol or drugs in our body and that the idea that the main problem centers in our mind rather than our body that at certain times we'll have no effective mental defense against that first drink or against that first drug. We were shown some examples and asked to look at our own experience. Do we think the reason would keep us away from the drink? We were introduced to the idea that what happens to us is we experience what is called a strange mental blank spot. Choice cannot originate in a strange blank spot if I had that experience. And if so and if that is me, then I am an alcoholic and I must seek a relationship with a higher power to provide that defense and to restore me to sanity. Look at the idea of the unmanageability of our life and the spiritual malady. Do I, when I'm living my life on self-will, experience life from the standpoint of being restless, irritable, and discontent? Having trouble in personal relationships, not being able to control my emotional nature? prey to misery and depression full of fear never satisfied with my life regardless of how it looks how good it looks or how bad it looks feeling useless at times feeling full of fear is that me is that my experience and we take this hopelessness in this first step experience into the second step which I become willing to believe that there's a power greater than myself that can restore me to sanity and I'm given the idea that I need to come up with a concept of that power which can be personal to me and then I come faced with a self-imposed crisis that I can no longer postpone or evade God is going to be everything or nothing in my life and what is my choice to be the promise of the second step is that if I'm willing to seek God through a course of action then I can experience this God deep down within myself you come up to the third step and am I convinced Thank you. And then we took a look at the idea of what it looks like when I'm trying to play God in my own life and in people's lives and how ultimately that leads to confusion and chaos and introduced the idea that selfish self-centeredness is the root of all my troubles. And I go through life being driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, self pity. The end result is I step on the toes of my fellows and they retaliate and I wind up feeling hurt. I'm given the great promise that all my troubles are my own making but that above everything I have to get rid of this selfishness but that I cannot do in my own power and I see the truth of that that I had to have God's help and the way I'm going to get God's health is I'm gonna quit playing God. The book talks about a relationship that I get to have with my creator which God's going to direct my life I'm going to be the actor God's gonna be the principal and I'm gonna be the agent God's Gonna Be The Father And I'm Gonna Be The Child That's Gonna Be The Employer And I'M Gonna Be The Employee That Leads Me Up To This Third Step Prayer Which Is Going To Be An Affirmation Of The Decision This Is The Original Third Step Prayer As Used By Dr. Bob With Clarence Snyder dear God I'm sorry about the mess I've made of my life I want to turn away from all the wrong things I've ever done and all the wrong things I have ever been please forgive me for it all I know you have the power to change my life and can turn me into a winner thank you God for getting my attention long enough to interest me in trying it your way God please take over the management of my life and everything about me. I'm making this conscious decision to turn my will and my life over to your care and am asking you to please take over all parts of my Life. Please, God, move into my heart however you do it is your business, but make yourself real inside me and fill my awful emptiness. Fill me with your love and Holy Spirit and make me know your will for me. And now, God, help yourself to me and keep on doing it. I'm not sure I want you to, but do it anyhow. I rejoice that I am now part of your people, that my uncertainty is gone forever, and that you have control of my will and my life. Thank you. Praise your name. Amen. Amen we're going to talk about the fourth step if you want to open your big book to page 63 we're gonna take a look at some of the instructions bottom of 63 says that we're gong to launch out on the course of vigorous action first step which is a personal house cleaning page 64 says which many of us have never attempted though our third step decision the one we just make is vital and crucial that decision will have little permanent effect unless at once followed by a strenuous effort to face and to be rid of the things in ourselves which have been blocking us from that power we so desperately need whenever i write inventory i always keep in mind the intent of inventory and this is the intent of inventory to face and to be rid of that which has me blocked from the power that I need my liquor or drugs is but a symptom you go to a doctor and the doctor asks you a series of questions you will present symptoms to the doctor but the doctor does not treat symptoms the doctor treats the problem so on page 64 the big book I'm given a very paradoxical statement that alcohol is but a symptom it's not my problem the books talked about the problem the problem is self-will run riot selfishness self-centeredness that is the problem alcohol taking a drink of will ultimately be the symptom of that problem so i got to get down to the causes and the conditions of this problem so I'm going to talk about a personal inventory this is step four talks about I'm gonna do exactly the same thing in my life I'm Gonna Take Stock Honestly I'm going to search out the flaws in my makeup which caused my failure. Remember that statement, it's not about them. Being convinced that self, self-will, which will manifest in various ways is what had defeated me, I'm gonna see how self-willed will manifest. Well, resentment is the number one offender. Do I believe that? Resentments always stem from some unmet need based on my perception of some event and is always tied into my self-will. Every resentment I've ever written, that sums up exactly why I wrote that resentment. If some need predicated on self-willedness and selfishness was not met, which is what led to the resentment. That's a litmus test. It goes on to say that resentments destroy more alcoholics than anything else. I mentioned I work with a lot of people who have relapsed history and ultimately every single time we can trace back the relapse to a resentment. And this book says that if I'm resentful then I'm blocked from the sunlight of the Spirit or I'm block from the power that provides a mental defense which is why I don't have the luxury of resentments. I wrote an evening review last night and I wrote a four column piece of inventory last night and the reason I did that is I can't afford the luxury of resentment because if I have even one resentment God lies within you. If I'm blocked from you, I'm locked from God. What if you got 100 resentments? What if he got 50? What if she got 30? I don't have the luxury of permitting myself to have resentments because it is the number one offender. It talks about from resentment stems all forms of spiritual disease. For I've been not only mentally and physically ill, I've also been spiritually sick. Three-fold illness. When the spirituality is overcome, I will straighten out mentally and physical. and the writing of the inventories is going to be a manifestation of this spiritual malady so now I start to get very specific instructions I'm going to put these resentments on paper now the book starts to give me instructions on writing a resentment inventory one sentence at time starts out listing the first column I'm gonna make a list of people institutions or principles with whom we were angry period so then I do that I follow that assignment I take people. I start at the present, God show me who I'm resentful at and I let the names roll out onto the paper. I take institutions and I always obviously like to stay very current and work back so I begin to make a list of institutions. What are institutions? Police departments, banks, credit bureaus, U.S. government, army, navy, marriage, church, religion, those are institutions. third column is principles principles would be things like men don't cry all these insane belief systems they get fostered on us in terms of principles a woman's place is in the home all those all those neat kinds of things spiritual men don'T ever make mistakes you know those are all become principles so I begin to make my list and that's the first column when I get done with that list I'm going to do the second column which is I'm gonna ask myself why we were angry past tense why we were angry so I take a name and then I try and be very specific but in a bulleted fashion not this long flowery stuff I'm not trying to justify anything I'm just trying to write my second column why was I angry and I begin to write that out I have written inventory two different ways one is I will just write a column at a time so I'll finish my first column then I like to take a pad and I will have one sheet for every resentment in my second column I've done one of two things very seldom do I only have one reason why I'm resentful more often than not I have several depending on what needs did not get met and at times what i have didn't done if i put in a name in column one and i have six reasons why i was resentful in column two i will write a third and fourth column on all six that's one way to do it another way to do is you'll group them you may have six regions in the second column why you're angry at somebody you can just group them if you want to then you get done with the second column and now it's going to discuss the third column and it talks about in most cases it was found that my self esteem, my pocketbook, my ambitions, my personal relationships including sex were hurt or threatened. So that just discussed five areas of my life that were hurt or threaten behind these resentments. Self-esteem, pocketbook ambition, personal relationships including sex says so I'm mad, I'm burned up and on my grudge list then I said opposite each name my injuries. Injuries is your third column and they repeat was it my self-esteem and then they added security and ambition. My personal sex relations interfered with. So, and then if you look in the big book toward the bottom of the third column it uses the word pride. So in the third volume I use seven areas of self that are hurt, threatened or interfered with. I use self-esteem, that's who I think I am. I used pride, that how others see me. I use ambition that's what I want I use security that's what I need to be okay personal relations to me are same sex relations, sex relations are opposite sex and money so when I go to write a resentment inventory and get to my third column I'm going to look at those seven areas of self and ask myself were these areas hurt, threatened or interfered with behind what I wrote in the second column I have found over the years that it's very important what you write in the second column because your third and fourth are going to flow from that so I ask God let me be truth about what's going on in that second column and what I'm going to write then I get some more instructions about this it talks about going back through my life nothing counted but being thorough and honest then it goes on to say that when you're finished with these first three columns, we need to consider this carefully. And it goes on, now it's going to give us some great instructions prior to getting into what I call the fourth column. And I want to go over this, then I want To have Joe share some experience with resentment inventory. It says, it's apparent that the world and its people, the first column, are often quite wrong, column two. To conclude others was wrong, column two was as far as you and I ever got that's how we lived our lives I'm mad at you and this is why and that's it and I lived in that cynicism and bitterness and resentment most of my life till I came to AA and I was shown a way to get free of that well the usual outcome is people continue to wrong me second column and I stayed mad or sore third column sometimes it's remorse and then I'm sore at myself but the more I fight and try and have my own way the worse things got then the book gives you a very interesting paragraph in discussing resentments says it's plain that any life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness and i like to ask people why are resentments futile my experience is the reason resentments are futile is i don't have any control whatsoever over your behavior and it's extremely futile of me to think that I ever will. And then that consequently leads to unhappiness. To the precise extent that I permit these resentments, well, I squander the hours that might have been worthwhile. But now I'm going to get this very powerful warning. But with me, whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave. It's fatal. For when I harbor these feelings, I shut myself off from the sunlight of the spirit took me a while and i had to write a lot of inventory to understand them if i resent somebody god dwells within them if i'm blocked from then i'm locked from god took me long time to understand that line in the book that's why the book says mark we that's the dubious luxury of other men right i hear a lot things around resemblance i hear people that talk about writing a four column inventory in their mind can't reconcile that with the book so and it describes what's going to happen the insanity of alcohol return and i drink again with me to drink is to die if i'm to live i must be free of anger now that does not mean i do not get angry says i must be free of anger there's a difference between anger and resentment resent means to revisit very seldom will i go through a day while i won't Have the human experience of anger that does not mean that it becomes a resentment when I do an evening review if I revisit That wrong that second column If I continue to revisit now, I'm into a resentment and I'm long past anger and I want to continue to re-visit Grouch in the brainstorm are not for me. Now. It says I turn back to this list where the list holds the key to the future I've often thought over the years very seldom is that a topic in our meetings I believe it's an incredible topic to be discussed. This list holds the key to my future. Why aren't we talking about this? I think this is critical. This list hold the key... You don't think they meant the key of our future, do you? My experience is absolutely they mean the key to my life and the key to my own future because when I got moved from writing my third to my fourth column I became a free man and it was no longer about you. This is the key to my future. Changed my entire perception of myself and you in the world in which I live and move, and have my being. It does mean the key to your future. Now it says you're going to start to look at this from a whole different angle. You've written these three columns of inventory. You're going look at it, and you're gonna see the world and its people, column one, really dominate you, column two. And in that state, the wrongdoing of others, column three, if the answer's real, has the power to kill me. Has the power to kill you. How do I escape? I saw these resentments must be mastered, but how? I can't wish them away anymore in alcohol. This was my course. Now this next few paragraphs I call the bridge to the fourth column and it is a complete shift in perception of how you're going to look at this resentment. This is my course I realize that the people what I wrote in column one Thank you.