The Insanity of the First Drink – Big Book – Tim – Workshop – Neptune, NJ – Part 7 of 18 – Local AA Speakers

Good evening, everyone. I'm a recovered alcoholic called Big Book Tim. Welcome back, everybody. It's nice to see we all survived Turkey Day without any casualties, at least in this room anyway. The people who may have drank are probably out there somewhere, so we'll save the seat and keep the light on for them. So, um, I had a great, great Thanksgiving. It was wonderful. I mean, it was just, you know, the family got together and we did that typical thing of eating entirely too much, you know, and just being grateful about that. You know, it's pretty cool. Like when people are sober at Thanksgiving, you know there's no fights. That's pretty school, right? Now it's funny because my uncle is in recovery, right, so he's there. I mean he's in recovery 26, 27 years, and I'm in recovery a long time, And so there were other people drinking. But, you know, nobody was drinking the way we used to drink, you know? It was just, you don't know, drink here, drink there. It was Thanksgiving. Yay, great, you know? Like, and I just remember that it would have been like, you know, by the time the afternoon football game came on, you know, it would be like, I hate Dallas! Yeah! You know, all that kind of garbage. And it was just... There was none of that, you know? It was so nice. and we played this crazy game card game it was quite irreverent and offensive so Kevin would probably watch it but we had a great time and that was it, that laughter we were holding our sighs, we were laughing so hard I mean that's great, you know that's the kind of holidays that I'm just so grateful I was really grateful on Thanksgiving because I was and it was just, it was so cool you know, and it was like one of the best thanksgivings I could remember in a long time and on top of it was nice that I could remember it, you know so that's great so we're still in more about alcoholism and you know obviously I need to edit is what I need to do because we all know I talk entirely too much you know my alarm went off to remind me that I had to be here and do this this week. And it says how it works part two so I'm way behind as to where I'm supposed to be here. But obviously this is where God wants us. So we're on page 32 is where we left off. Now, I talked about this last week of AA actually promoting going to church. To get a full knowledge of your condition. Because we don't really want people to come in with ideas of, you know, well, I know you people are sober and I really want what you have, but I'm going to tell you how I want you to give it to me. You know, we just really don't want that coming through the door, which we get anyway. You know? And he makes this point-blank statement where he says there's no way of proving it. We believe that early in our drinking careers most of us could have stopped drinking. But the difficulty is that few have enough desire to stop while there's still yet time. We've heard of a few instances where people who showed up in the signs of alcoholism were able to stop for a long period of an overpowering desire to do so. Then he goes on to tell this story of a guy who was showing, he was young, he was 30 when he was doing spree drinking. Spree drinking, you remember spree drink, right? It was kind of like every night was spree drinks. And, you know, so then he made the decision, you know what, I'm going to quit drinking and that's it, I won't touch a drop until I retire. Until I retire, so that's kind of important because it's going to set up what's on the next page. He planned to have another drink, okay? And that's really key. You know, when I came in here, my first sponsor, he said to me, are you done? And my answer was what most people's answers are. And he said, well, you better F it now. You know? Like that was the first time I heard that word, you know? so it's kind of that's where it's at so he goes on and he was successful in his life and he made his money and he retired and I love the description of it if you jump down it says then he fell victim to a belief a victim to a belief which practically every alcoholic has practically every alcoholic has this belief that his long period of sobriety and self-discipline had qualified him to drink with other men Now, if you remember, we read earlier in the chapter that the thought that we're like other men or presently may be has to be smashed. Okay? So he still had that, well, you know, I'm like other man. Hey, I said I was going to stop drinking and look what I did. I stopped drinking. And good for him. So then it continues to go on. He says, out came his carpet slippers and a bottle. Isn't that great? Carpet slippers and an bottle. I couldn't find my carpet slippers. in two months he was in a hospital puzzled and humiliated he tried to regulate his drinking for a while making several trips to the hospital then gathering all his forces he attempted to stop altogether and found he could not every means of solving his problem which money could buy was at his disposal every attempt failed though a robust man at retirement, he went to pieces quickly and was dead within four years those are facts I mean it's a nice you know story there but I guarantee just about every person in this room probably knows somebody that could qualify for that story that they knew or even you know younger let's say you know somebody who put together less time than 20 years because that's what this guy did 20 years or 25 years right I'm not drinking I'm not picking up a drink, and within four it was dead. How is that possible, right? Okay, so Bill goes on to say that it contains a powerful lesson. Most of us believe, and there it is again, believe that if we remain sober for long stress, we get there after a drink normally, right. But we already know that we can't do that because we qualified all of that stuff long before we got to this page. We know that when an alcoholic of a hopeless variety, we have an obsession of the mind, the compulsion of the body. We put it in our body, it kicks off a phenomenon of craving that's coupled with the allergy. We can't do it. We know that. Right? We're supposed to know it anyway. But then why do we do it? Uh-huh. Right. Okay. So, but here's a man at 55 who found he was just where he left off at 30. We've seen the truth demonstrated again and again. Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic. Okay, now I'd like to address this statement because I'm sure there are plenty of us in this room and when I say us, I mean me who look at that from a perspective of the word alcoholic means somebody who is actively engaged in drinking alcoholically. By definition, that's what it is, okay? So as somebody who's a recovered alcoholic that statement does not apply to me unless I put alcohol in my system again. That's it. As long as I remain abstinent from putting alcohol in my body, that statement is not going to apply to me. That's there for our alcoholic readers such as myself to think because it's about, oh well I haven't drank for a long time, I haven'T drank for a Long Time so I can go back to it. It's like no stupid if you drink again you're going to be an alcoholic again. Okay and that's what he's putting out there. Commencing to drink after a period of sobriety, we are in short time as bad as ever. And that's because scientifically they've proven this really cool. There was a woman she was doing cancer research brain cancer research in Dallas This is going back, I don't know, probably 20 years now. And she used to go out with the Dallas police department in the morning to pick up any of the derelict drugs that died so she could have fresh brains. Okay, that's why she went out. And she came to this incredible conclusion, right? She had said, after examining every single one of these brains, she said, wow, it's amazing. Every single oneof these people were heroin addicts. And the cop said, no they're not, these were drugs. Okay? And she said well, yes I know that but every singleone of them has the same chemical in their brain as a heroin addict. They all have tetrahydroisoquinoline in their brains. Okay? So the period of dormancy, when it dries up, quote-unquote dries up It's still there So once they put that alcohol in the system It reactivates that chemical again And kicks it all over again Right? So that's pretty amazing scientific stuff we have there So it doesn't matter how long you keep that crap dry As soon as you light it up, it's on It doesn't mater how long You've been dry gone. And people who do that, people who have fallen victim to the belief that their 40 years or their 30 years qualified them to handle their alcohol, they go out and they drink and they relapse and they come back and what do they say to us? What's the first thing they say why they friggin' relapsed? Let's talk on the news. No you didn't. I saw you on the night before you drank. Okay, that's not why they... Okay, the reason that they relapse is this next statement right here in the book. This next statement. If we are planning to stop drinking, there must be no reservation of any kind nor any lurking notion that someday we'll be immune to alcohol. That's the reason that every single alcoholic relapses. I'll say it again for you. That's what I'm talking about. That's not the reason that every single alcoholic relapses. I know that's a controversial statement, and I'll stand by that until I die. Because I've seen it time and time again. Because every person that I've ever asked about their relapse, once we get past the first, you know, the cult answer of, I stopped going to the news, I ask them, hey man, what was your reservation? And usually I go, well, I didn't have any. I don't have a reservation. I'm like, really? So you just decide, Well, here's the drink. I'm going to pick it up. Well, no, I stopped calling my sponsor. Okay, yeah, that's still a human power. Well, I stop going to meetings. Okay, that is still a Human Power. Well, you know, I stopped doing the steps. Okay, well, that kind of blocking off your access to your Higher Power. What else did you stop doing? See, let me start asking these questions. What was your belief? What was you belief about how you stayed sober? Okay, so people whose belief is don't drink and go to meetings, if that's their belief, if they stop going to meetings they're probably going to get drunk because they believe going to meeting is just a higher power okay, that's their setup, that' s their reservation, right we've decided we're willing to go to any length, any length we need to do, right, any rank that's what it says, no reservation of any kind not your kids dying not mom and dad dying, not loss of a job, not anything you know, not your ass falling off you know like pick it up take it to a meeting there better be somebody to put the asses on in the meeting but okay there's no reason there's not no reason whatsoever I knew a man this is an interesting story this is exactly what happened to him he was sober for 29 years right 29 years he was so and he was sitting in meetings drooling on himself you know the nod right leading meetings people are like what's wrong oh I'm just very tired I'd be tired too if I were on those drugs right so what happened was is that he hurt his back heard this story before hurt his butt went to the doctor for pain management they gave him pills that people like us are not supposed to have you know solid alcohol that activate that dormant chemical in our brain, okay? So this is what was going on for three years. Three years this man was sitting in meetings doing this. He finally woke up to the fact that it was going wrong because this was a big book guy. This was a guy who was like, you know, he was like me. He was one of those guys that was telling you about what was in this book and just forgot that it still applied to him, right? and I'll tell you why because the same thing happened when he finally said much to his embarrassment and as far as I'm concerned very much to his courage that he reset his time he said I can't celebrate 30 years knowing that this is what's been going on in my life for the past 3 years I can'T in good conscience do that right? and I gave this man a big hug and I said you know what congratulations I said that's awesome I said, thank you for your courage for that. I said I will always have your back. Okay? Because what happened was he went to other old-timers with his kind of time. Right? You know, guys that play around. Go to the doctors and get pills that they need. Okay? Because it's an outside issue. And these guys told him, oh, you're crazy. Why are you giving up your time? That doesn't apply. That doesn' t mean you were prescribed in a doctor, you know. this is what was going on with this guy and they shunned him this was a man who helped hundreds of people in 29 years hundreds of People this man had helped and these men with time and standing turned their back on him you know my personality so you know what I'd have to say to those people right and what I said to him was this what was the reservation and his answer was the same thing I get all the time I don't really think I had one I said, well, you have to have had one or else this isn't where you'd be. So I said think about it. Let's see if we can get to it. The next day I talked to him and he said, you know, I was thinking about what you asked me. He said 30 years ago I hurt my back and I always said that if the pain ever got bad enough, I'll take something for it. 30 years of a reservation. 30 years It took for that reservation to manifest. And out he went. Just like that. Like, that's how insidious alcoholism is. That's how cunning, baffling, powerful, and patient and jealous it is. It's patient and... It'll wait, man. I'm right here. I got you. Go ahead, man, go be spiritual. I'll be right here waiting for you. Right? Post scripted the story, he took his time back because it was too much for his ego to handle. I just couldn't, you know, the courage that it took for that to admit that relapse. You know, like that, that for me was heroic. And then he said, well, you don't want it. And he just, he succumbed to all that pressure, all that human pressure of, no, you had all that time. Yeah, that's right. That's right, that' s right, yeah. That' s Right. Bless you. And then celebrated his time. I couldn't stay in the room. I couldn' t stay in there because that would mean I'd be witness to that and I'd agree to that. Okay, now I'm not the type of person that's going to say stand up in a celebration meeting and say You don't have that right. I know most of you think I will. But that's being honest without kindness. Okay, that's being honest. It's just, you know, that's about me if I do that. Okay? Now, I just informed all of you of this story without breaking his anonymity. But it's a real story. It's not one on these pages. It's a really real story It's the real actual story of this person and somebody that stood in front of me that I hugged and I've talked to and known for years and it's real. It's real, okay? So it's nice that we have these stories, but now we have like practical stories. You know, that always jumps into my head. I'm always like, God, I hope I never have to have an operation. That's where I go. I'm like, I'll start doing yoga before I need to go to the doctor for my back. You know? Like just whatever it takes, man. Whatever it takes. No reservation of any kind. And working notion. I love that, right? Especially since Thanksgiving was just here, right, What's the movie that's always on on Thanksgiving? No, that's Christmas. March of the Wooden Soldiers. Right? And who's the Barnaby? It's just a lurking. Anytime I hear I always think of Barnaby. I'm like, he's lurking and he's just waiting and creeping. Because that's what it is. And a notion is a little small thought in the back of your mind. That you kind of ignore. So here's this little Barnaby in the back of your head. You know, and here's a ridiculous illustration that I give people all the time about reservations. If I say, I'm not going to drink ever again, unless it's the third Thursday in October, it's an odd year, it's a waning moon, and I'm wearing a wizard's hat. Well, you better believe that God is powerful enough to have me in a wizard'S hat on the third Thursday of October with a waning moon and an odd year with a drink in my hand. Because that's the condition that I set up. That's the reservation. And it's illustrated later on by one of our co-founders that he relapsed as the result of a reservation. Time and time again, it's always about a reservation, even for people, like I said, whose program is don't drink and go to meetings. Okay, well, if that's all they got and they stopped going to meetings, well, their reservation has creeped up, hasn't it? who crept up and died. Okay, so it's about that reservation. So it's a bad thing. It's about getting down to what it says on page 30. We have to fully concede to our innermost self that we were alcoholics. It doesn't matter if we tell everybody else or they give you full of crap. I can tell you anything, but it's got to be me. It's got be... I've got to crush the Barnabas in the back of my head. I need to remove any reservations. I've known people whose children have died in sobriety and they went through it. I stood there. I watched the man stand. I couldn't, I don't understand how he was standing. I was a mess. His daughter got hit by a car. She's 21. I mean, like that's, that's tragic. But he didn't drink because he's into this stuff. And he at least accepted the fact that he's not God and he doesn't have a plan. You know what I mean? Like it's so powerful. It's so powerfully what we're talking about here, right? Okay, so moving on. By the way, that's the second step of part one. For anybody who wants to know that. Young people may be encouraged by this man's experience to think that they can stop as he did on their own willpower. We doubt if many of them can do it because none will really want to stop. And hardly one of them, because of the peculiar mental twist already acquired, will find he can win out. Several of our crowd, men of 30 or less, have been drinking only a few years, but they've found themselves as helpless as those who've been drinking 20 years. Well, I'm one of those people. I started drinking when I was 12 and I quit drinking a month and a half before I was 22. Most of my drinking is illegal. Okay? So I was a criminal drinker. Right? Which most of these people were. Isn't that amazing? That most of the people that are... When this book was written, it was during Prohibition. So they weren't allowed to drink. It was going to jail to drink, which would have been me if it caught me. Right? So I certainly had done... Oh, well, I was young. It's different. They're all a couple. That's me too, right? Okay. To be gravely effective, one does not necessarily have to drink a long time, nor the quantity some of us have. This is peculiarly true of women. Potential female alcoholics often turn into the real thing and are gone beyond recall in a few years. Certain drinkers, who would be greatly insulted if called alcoholics, yeah, usually alcoholics are astonished at their inability to stop. we who are familiar with the symptoms see large numbers of potential alcoholism among these young people everywhere but try to get them to see it now, I don't know if your book has a footnote, mine does it says true when this book was first published but in 1986 US-Canada membership survey showed about one-fifth of AAs were 30 and under right, that was 86 okay, now I know, I've seen later numbers that that number has gone to like One-fifth, you got it? 112. And what year is that? 2007, 112. Okay. 113. So we're getting lower for the young people. Lower rate. Lower rate, so we're not, you know, but we're also not doing our job getting them this message, okay? If you have this message it applies to pills and other things too, okay. You know, when you say you're an alcoholic addict you're just saying you're a German shepherd dog. you're not done you haven't gotten rid of your uniqueness yet oh and I know the argument when I say it to remind myself well what about the peculiar mental twist or the mental blind spot when you're ready to take that pill it's the same thing okay so you're going to have to you're like you're gonna keep your memory green maybe your face will get green when you take the drugs okay but it still applies. It's the same thing. When you're an alcohol synonymous, you're not an alcoholic. But guess what? You're still an addict because alcohol is a drug. That's what they say over there in that fellowship who's about being clean. Right? Okay, so like when in Rome kind of thing, like when I'm over there, I'm an addict. I don't need to tell them I'm not an alcohol addict because first of all, I don' want them arguing with me. We're addicts over here. We're clean. We're not talking about clean. Oh, you sound it, right? Okay. So let's stop playing the games. This is about getting honest, right. It's about getting down to no reservations, right Okay, as we look back we feel we had gone on drinking many years beyond the point in which we could quit on our own willpower. I don't know. For me, I don' t know. If anyone questions whether he is in this dangerous area let him leave, let him try leaving liquor alone for a year. Right. I mean, how many people do you have? Like, we get people in here like that or like that. They come in here and they're, oh, I'm sober for a year now. He says, if he is a real alcoholic and very far advanced, there's a scant chance of success. A real alcoholic. There was no way, I promise you this, there was no way if I didn't do this stuff when I did that I was going to make it a year not drinking. There was just no way I was doing that. because I was a real alcoholic, and I was going to kill somebody, myself, or drink. And just because I'm an obstinate Irishman, I didn't want to drink, you know what I mean? So I came here, and I Was like, All right, I'll do what the hell you tell me to do because my way isn't friggin' working. I mean, that was really my only alternative. The other was to drink. That was it, right? In the early days of our drinking, we occasionally remained sober for a year or more, becoming serious drinkers again later. Now, I can't identify with that because that wasn't me. Okay? Though you may be able to stop for a considerable period, you may yet be a potential alcoholic. Okay, now here, this is pretty... I like this statement. We think few to whom this book will appeal can stay dry anything like a year. Okay? So, most of the time, people who are against the big book are usually people that this book doesn't appeal to, which is usually a certain type of hard drinker which is using people who can still quit on their own willpower and this book isn't concerned with people who quit on our own will power. It's concerned with the people who are beyond human aid. We already read that. Okay, some will be drunk the day after making their resolutions most of them within a few weeks. For those who are unable to drink moderately the question is how to stop altogether. Now here, this is great. I love this one because this kind of like sets it up that we don't have to try to convince you to stop. It says, we are assuming, of course, that the reader desires to stop. I mean, that's it. Like, you know, the circling of people around the newcomers is like, You're a drunkard, don't you get it? Don't you want to stop? We're assuming if you're reading this book, you want us to stop, or you've already stopped and you want a say stop. Okay? we're not trying to convince anybody to stop. Like I said before, we're actually encouraging people to go drink. Go drink. When you're done, we'll be here. You know, oh, that's very dangerous. Maybe. I had a guy, I was sober ten years, I got pissed at this guy in a meeting. Because he was very cavalier about people's lives. That's what I thought. And he said, I have no right to interfere with somebody's bottom. And if somebody's bottom is death, then that's God's will. Now, at the time, I was really angry. I was like, how dare you? You could, you could, God. Right? Because I was still stuck in, I'm God. Right? Now, there's a fine line, obviously. If somebody's asking for help, I can't just say, well, no, here's the life preserver. You've got to swim a little. I can'T do that to them. Okay? But if they're like, if I'm like here, like, you know, the helicopter pilot story that I always tell, you know like, all right, you don't want to grab on the rope? All right, I'm flying out of here. I can't save everybody. I can save people who want to be saved, who want this information, who cling to it the way I did and still do. You know, like, people, you ever get those things of like, what's the most important thing in your life? What can you not live without? This book, this one right in front of me, this is my first one. Nobody has ever given, you have to kill me to get it. I promise you that. You have to Kill Me to Get This One. Some people might want to try. But, like this is it. You can take everything else away from me. As long as I have this, to me, I have what saved my life right in front of me. My access to God is right through this book. That's why I pass them on. I mean, if it was don't drink and go to meetings, I would be someplace else being a miserable curmudgeon in the back going, oh, look at that where he relapsed again. Well, imagine that a drunk guy relapses. Yeah, yeah. He must be an alcoholic addict. okay now here's this was pointed out to me the other night ironically here is the justification for don't drink and go to meetings whether such a person can quit on a non-spiritual basis depends upon the extent to which he has already lost the power to choose whether he can drink or not so if you can choose whether to drink or not you're not beyond human aid so you can don't drink and go to meetings right that's what that says I can't do that I know there's other people who can those are the people I'm interested in helping the people who could not good for you fabulous shut up because people who are like me need this message or they're going to die and it's my responsibility to carry it many of us felt we had plenty of character. But, oh, I don't think it could have been plenty of characters, right? There was a tremendous urge to cease forever. Yet we found it impossible. Yet we found it possible. Why is that? This is the baffling feature of alcoholism as we know it. This utter inability to leave it alone no matter how great the necessity or wish. So, the only qualifier the only qualification for membership in Alcoholics Anonymous is of absolutely no use to real alcoholics. You know, tradition three? The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking. There's plenty of people that walk through this door with a desire TO STOP DRINKING, but that's not going to keep them here. That's not gonna... If they're like this, if they're beyond that choice, this is what they need. Because it's impossible any other way. They need a miracle. I needed a miracle, anybody else needed a miracle? I needed one. how then shall we help our readers determine to their own satisfaction whether they are one of us the experiment of quitting for a period of time will be helpful but we think we can render an even greater service to alcoholic sufferers and perhaps to the medical fraternity as long as they're not playing God so we shall describe some of the mental states that precede a relapse into drinking for obviously this is the crux of the problem right, the cruix it's the meeting point what sort of thinking dominates an alcoholic who repeats time after time the desperate experiment of the first drink. Friends who have reasoned with him after his spree, which has brought him to the point of divorce or bankruptcy, are mystified when he walks directly into a saloon. Why does he? And what is he thinking? Right? I don't know if anybody's been a part of that, you know, interventions. You know, where they yell at the drunk. Look at what you're doing to everybody! crying mothers look at your little cousin why is the little cousin here get them out of here they don't need to see this crap do they want to go you know what I mean like man no let's put it on A and E and get good ratings thinking thinking that's the crux of the problem because our brains screwed up right we talked about that early on once in a while an alcoholic tells the truth once in awhile and we're always amazed that they lie okay our first example is a friend we serve called Jim now I have in my book there's two possible people that this may apply to this story one is Harlan Spencer or the other one is Ralph Furlong if you're not too sure that's what they've narrowed it down to historians Okay, so Jim. This is a man whose charming wife and family inherited a lucrative automobile agency. Inherited. Anybody see the problem there? He had a commendable World War record. He was a good salesman. See, that's the problem right there, right? Everybody likes him. He is an intelligent man. Normal so far as we can see, except for a nervous disposition. Probably needs to drink, right ? He did no drinking until he was 35. I wonder why. In a few years, he became so violent when intoxicated that he had to be committed. On leaving the asylum, he came into contact with us. Now, that's interesting. I'd like to know... See, I have to find that. I'll try and find that out for you folks. Whether Harlan Spencer or Ralph Furlong, whether they were in the service. Because it says he had a commendable World War record. Okay? So, it would be interesting to see what happened when he was 35. Or thereabouts. to see what sort of trauma there may have been in his life that triggered their drinking, right? A little sidebar there. Where are we? Oh, in the book, yeah. Oh, he told them what we knew of alcoholism and the answer we had found. It was an obsession of the mind, a compulsion of the body that we need God in order to solve it, right. He made a beginning. His family was reassembled. He began to work as a salesman for a business he had lost through drinking. Big one right here. All went well for a time, but he failed to enlarge his spiritual life. I guess that's because there were some meetings to go to back then. To his consternation, he found himself drunk half a dozen times in rapid succession. On each of the occasions we worked with him, reviewing carefully what had happened. He agreed he was a real alcoholic and in a serious condition. He knew he faced another trip to his assignment if he kept on. Moreover, he would lose his family for whom he had a deep affection. Yet he got drunk again. We asked him to tell us exactly how it happened. This is his story, Colin. I came to work on Tuesday morning. I always wondered what happened on Monday. I remember I felt irritated that I had to be a salesman for a concern I once owned. I had a few words with the boss But nothing serious Kind of something like I is August, baby Then I decided To drive into the country And see one of my prospects for a car On the way I felt hungry So I stopped at a roadside place Where they have a bar I had no intention of drinking I just thought I would Get a sandwich I also had the What is this? The notion that I might find a customer for a car at this place, which was familiar for I had been going to it for years. I had eaten there many times during the months I was sober. I sat down at the table and ordered a sandwich and a glass of milk. Still no thought of drinking. I ordered another sandwich and decided to have another glass of Milk. How big were the sandwiches, you know? Here we are, important words, italics. Suddenly, the thought crossed my mind That if I were to put an ounce of whiskey in my milk It couldn't hurt me on a full stomach I ordered a whiskey and poured it into the milk I vaguely sensed I was not being any too smart But felt reassured As I was taking the whiskey on a whole stomach The experiment went so well That I ordered another whiskey And poured it in some more milk That didn't seem to bother me So I tried another thus started one more drink to the asylum for Jim here was the threat of commitment, the loss of family and position to say nothing of that intense mental and physical suffering which drinking always caused him he had much knowledge about himself as an alcoholic yet all reasons for not drinking were easily pushed aside in favor of the foolish idea that he could take whiskey if he only mixed it with milk whatever the precise definition of the word may be, we call this plain insanity. How can such a lack of proportion of the ability to think straight be called anything else? You may think this is an extreme case. To us, it is not far-fetched, for this kind of thinking has been characteristic of every single one of us. We have sometimes reflected more than Jim did upon the consequences. You know, like, stop the drink through. But there was always the curious mental phenomenon that, parallel with our sound reasoning, there inevitably ran some insanely trivial excuse for taking the first train. But that's pretty cool, that parallel. You know, we're kind of cruising along on this nice line over here, and down here is like craziness and hell. Cruising along with us. Hey, come on down! Remember us? No, no, no. Oops! And we fall into craziness. Right? We fall into insanity. And why? Because our sound reasoning failed to hold us in check. The insane idea won out. next day we would ask ourselves in all earnestness and sincerity how could it have happened in some circumstances we have gone out deliberately to get drunk feeling ourselves justified by nervousness, anger worry, depression, jealousy or the like but even in this type of beginning we are obliged to admit that our justification for history was insanely insufficient in the light of what has always happened we now see that when we begin to drink deliberately instead of casually there was little serious or effective excuse me there was no there was a little serious or effective thought during the period of premeditation of what the terrific consequences might be. Right? So our thoughts are no good. No good. Our behavior is as absurd and incomprehensible respect to the first thing as that of an individual with a passion who's a jaywalking. He gets a thrill out of skipping in front of fast moving vehicles. He enjoys himself for a few years in spite of friendly warnings Up to this point, you would label him as a foolish chap having queer ideas of fun. Luck then deserts him and he is slightly injured several times in succession. You would expect him, if he were normal, to cut it out. Presently, he is hit again and this time has a fractured skull. Within a week after leaving the hospital, a fast-moving trolley car breaks his arm. He tells you that he has decided to stop jaywalking for good, but in a few weeks, breaks all his legs. on through the years his conduct continues accompanied by his continual promises to be careful or to keep off the streets altogether finally he can no longer work his wife gets a divorce, he is held up to ridicule he tries every known means to get the jaywalking idea out of his head he shuts himself up in an asylum hoping to mend his ways but the day he comes out he races in front of a fire engine which breaks him back such a man would be crazy wouldn't he? you may think our illustration is too ridiculous But is it? We, who have been through the rigor, have to admit if we substitute alcoholism for jaywalking, this illustration would fit us exactly. However intelligent we may have been in other respects, where alcohol has been involved, we have been strangely insane. It's strong language, but isn't it true? Some of you are thinking, Colin, yes, what you tell us is true, but it doesn't fully apply. we admit we may have some of these symptoms but we have not gone to the extremes you felt us in nor are we likely to for we understand ourselves so well after what you have told us that such things cannot happen again we have now lost everything in life through drinking and we certainly do not intend to thanks for the information that may be true of certain non-alcoholic people who, though drinking foolishly and heavily at present time, are able to stop or moderate because their brains and bodies have not been damaged as ours were. Well, again, he's talking about what we talked about way back in the doctor's opinion, that we're different. It only occurs in alcoholics and not the average temporary drinker. But the actual potential alcoholic, with hardly an exception, will be absolutely unable to stop drinking on the basis of self-knowledge. this is the point we wish to emphasize and re-emphasize to smash home upon our alcoholic leaders as it has been revealed to us out of our bitter experience let's look at another let's take another illustration let's go to the video tape so here he is again yeah you think you know about oh I know I'm an alcoholic I know just yeah I know but you don't understand I drink coke when I go to the bar, it's fine Well, what are you going there for? Well, I like to look at the women dancing. Okay, you can't do that at home? I mean, like, well, how am I going to meet somebody? Well, there's plenty of places you can go and meet people now. I mean... How about a bookstore? Try the bookstore. Maybe something in the bookstore, that'd be great. At least you know they can read. You know, like... How about the supermarket? That's practical. Watch what they put in the cart. Oh, she's a good shopper. You know something, I don't know, like, what're you looking for in the bar? You know what I mean? Like, so the self-knowledge isn't doing anything, man. It's just like, you know, because how many times do people go like, dude, why are you drinking? Aren't you an alcoholic? No, I'm a drunk. Alcoholics go to meetings. It's crazy. It's insane, right? All right, Fred. We're going to talk about Fred. Harry Brick is his name. Fred. He's a partner in a well-known accounting firm His income is good He has a fine home, is happily married And the father of promising children of college age He has so attractive A personality that he makes friends With everyone If ever there were a successful businessman It is his friend To all appearance he is stable He is a stable, well-balanced individual Yet, he is an alcoholic We first saw Fred about a year ago in a hospital where he had gone to recover from bad case of the jitters. It was his first experience of this kind, and he was much ashamed of it. Far from admitting he was an alcoholic, he told himself he came to the hospital to rest his nerves. Usually it's bipolar today, right? The doctor intimated strongly that he might be worse than he realized. For a few days, he was depressed about his condition. He made up his mind to quit drinking altogether. It never occurred to him that perhaps he could not do so. In spite of his character and standing, Fred would not believe himself an alcoholic. Much less accept the spiritual remedy for his problem, we told him what we knew about alcoholism. That it's an obsession of the mind, that it's a compulsion of the body, that there's a manifestation of an allergy and a phenomenon of craving. He was interested and conceded that he had some of the symptoms, but he was a long way away from admitting he could do nothing about it himself, he was positive that this humiliating experience plus the knowledge he had acquired would keep him sober for the rest of his life. Self-knowledge would fix it. We heard no more of Fred for a while. One day we were told he was back in the hospital. This time he was quite shaky. He soon indicated he was anxious to see us. The story he told is most instructive. For here was a chap absolutely convinced he had to stop drinking. He had no excuse for drinking who exhibited splendid judgment and determination in all his other concerns yet was flat on his back nevertheless. Let him tell you about it. Colon. I was much impressed with what you fellows said about alcoholism and I frankly did not believe it would be possible for me to drink again. I rather appreciated your ideas about the subtle insanity which preceded the first drink, but I was confident it could not happen to me after what I had learned. I reasoned I was not so far advanced as most of you fellows, that I had been usually successful in licking my other personal problems, and that I would therefore be successful where you men had failed. I felt I had every right to be self-confident, that it would only be a matter of exercising my willpower and keeping on guard. In this frame of mind I went about my business, and for a time all was well. I had no trouble refusing drinks and began to wonder if I had not been making too hard work of a simple matter. Sounds like a reservation, huh? One day I went to Washington to present some accounting evidence to a government bureau. I had been out of town before during this particular dry spell, so there was nothing new about that. Physically I felt fine. Neither did I have any pressing problems or worries. My business came off well. I was pleased and knew my partners would be too. It was the end of a perfect day. Not a cloud on the horizon. I went to my hotel and leisurely dressed for dinner. Important stuff. As I crossed the threshold of the dining room, the thought came to me, came to mind that it would be nice to have a couple of cocktails with dinner. That was all. Nothing more. What if she said a couple o' cocktails? Not a cocktail. I ordered a cocktail and my meal. Then I ordered another cocktail. After dinner, I decided to take a walk. When I returned to the hotel, it struck me a highball would be fine before going to bed. So I stepped into the bar and had one. I remember having several more that night and one next morning, I have a shadowy recollection of being in an airplane bound for New York, and of finding a friendly taxi cab driver in the landing field instead of my wife. The driver escorted me about for several days. I know little of where I went or what I said and did. Then came the hospital with unbearable mental and physical suffering. As soon as I regained my ability to think, I went carefully over that evening in Washington. Important stuff. Not only had I been off guard, I had made no fight whatever against the first drink. This time I had not thought of the consequences at all. A peculiar mental twist. I had commenced to drink as if, as carelessly as though the cocktails were ginger ale. I now remember what my alcoholic friends had told me, how they prophesied, prophecy, excuse me that if I had an alcoholic mind, the time and place would come, I would drink again hmm they had said that though I did raise a defense it would one day give way to some trivial reason for having a drink well just that did happen and more from what I had learned of alcoholism did not occur to me at all I knew from that moment that I had an alcoholic mind I saw that willpower and self-knowledge would not help in those strange mental blank spots. Hmm, can't think the drink through, huh? I had never been able to understand people who said that a problem had them hopelessly defeated. I knew then it was a crushing blow. Two of the members of Alcoholics Anonymous came to see me. They grinned, which I did not like so much. And then they asked me if I thought myself an alcoholic and if I were really lit this time. Hmm, those propositions, right? They piled on me... Excuse me. I had to concede both propositions. He conceded both proposutions. Then they piled upon me heaps of evidence to the effect that an alcoholic mentality, such as I had exhibited in Washington, was a hopeless condition. They cited cases out of their experience by the dozen. This process snuffed out the last liquor of conviction that I could do the job myself. Now, here's what they presented. then they outlined the spiritual answer and program of action which a hundred of them had followed successfully though I had been only a nominal churchman their proposals were not intellectually hard to swallow but the program of action, though entirely sensible, was pretty drastic. It meant I would have to throw several lifelong conceptions out of the window which means that I had to shut up and not oh well but Yeah, but it's not hot. You can't put... Done, right? That was not easy. Check this out, though. Here's a promise. But the moment I made up my mind to go through with the process, I made a decision. We made a choice. I had the curious feeling that my alcoholic condition was relieved, as in fact it proved to be. Here's more promises here. Quite as important was the discovery of the spiritual principles which solved all my problems. That's just the shrinking of all of them. I have since been brought into a way of living infinitely more satisfying, and I hope, more useful than the life I lived before. Now here's where that misnomer of the you know my worst day celebration is my best day celebration Here's where that's twisted from, right? My old manner of life was by no means a bad one, but I would not exchange its best moments for its worst ones now. Hey, almost right on time. I would never go back to it even if I could. Fred's story speaks for itself. We hope it strikes home to thousands like him. He had only felt that the first nip of the ringer, most alcoholics have to be pretty badly mangled before they really commence to solve their problems. Many doctors and psychiatrists agree with our conclusions. One of these men, a staff member of a world-renowned hospital, recently made this statement to some of us. Colon. What you say about the general hopelessness of the average alcoholic's plight is, in my opinion, correct. as to two of you men whose stories I have heard, there is no doubt in my mind that you were 100% hopeless. Oh, what's this say? Apart from divine help? Hmm. Have you offered yourselves as patients in this hospital? I would not have taken you if I had been able to avoid it. People like you are too heartbreaking. Though not a religious person, I have profound respect for the spiritual approach in such cases as yours. For most cases there is virtually no other solution. And that was Percy Pollock. He was the head of Bellevue at the time. That's who gave that, right? BellevUE! Once more, Colin. The alcoholic at certain times has no effective mental defense against the first drink. Can't think it through. Except in a few rare cases, neither he nor any other human being can provide such a defense. Remember John Belushi's story I told you about, right ? Oh, well what's the solution ? His defense must come from a higher power.