Step 2 and the Open Mind – Women’s Book Study – Part 7 of 13 – Bob A.

So, what you've been doing, Michelle, is the same thing I did and the same thing we all did. I was very, very severe at it, probably worse than you could ever be. It's because I became such an authority on my life that at work, anywhere I went, doesn't make no difference, at work I was the smartest guy in the world. I knew more than anybody knew. I could fix things they couldn't fix and so on. But I became the authority, see? I became the power, the power that regulates my mind, that tells me things and it tells me with such an authority that I am that person. I'm as strong as my mind is because I live with my mind. I am with me all the time. I had no conception. I have no church bringing up. I don't know the word God. I do not want to hear it. And the people I ran with, I ran with a motorcycle crowd and none of them talk about God, believe me. And the life I had was still me all the time. I was with me I don't give a darn where I went I was always with me. With me means I'm the power. Even though I could be with all of you guys or any of you guy I'm still the power for me. I don' t look at you I don''t look at anything but me all the times me. I became a person a character a character that I developed a long time ago the way I looked at it I developed it when I was about 15 because I lived in a world that I produced that world in other words, I worked I bought cars, I bought motorcycles I bought booze, I brought women I bought everything, there was the buy but it was my doing I was the authority there was nobody else around me my parents or nobody could say a word of any consequence one. You're the same way. The reason you're the same way is because you don't do nothing else but that. Step two, when it says what it says, that I have to have an open mind. That's a requirement. A truly an open mine. If I don't have an open mind, you know darn well what I'm going to do. If your mind isn't open, I'll tell you what you're going to doing. You'll do the same damn thing you always do. You're going to make your decisions and you're going to act upon it and do it and that's that. Step two, by principle now. Remember, this isn't just words. I'm not saying words. These are principles to use in your life today as you live your life today. You must have an open mind. An open mind takes self-discipline. It takes a desire or a want or a need of what you're talking about now because I heard you more than once. You want something you have to open your mind that's the first requirement is to open your mind if you don't open your mind by principle now you don' t open it just to hear me talk now you don t open it just maybe to be here for a few hours you open your mind and you leave it open and you can do this now with self discipline and quit arguing the minute you quit arguing the debating society about the chicken and egg the minute that you get away from that your mind can stay open if you start arguing your mind's going to close like that as quick as that you don't stand a chance are you talking about when i argue in my mind or when i argued with you or both no in your mind only just starting your mind only just start there don't go outside of yourself right now it hasn't got anything you do with me? It's all about you. You must stay inside of you. It doesn't make no difference if you're working with an angel or the devil. It's still in you. We're not going to talk about anybody else here, see. We must talk about the individual only. I'll talk about me and I'll tell you about me. I'm not going tell you any of my wives or girlfriends or this or that or anything else. But I must learn what's wrong with me. And the only way I can do this if I don't have an open mind any of you guys if your mind isn't open what's what's there what's their yesterdays are there memories are everything is there that you possibly could ever think of or do if your mind stays open and you quit arguing it's possible to believe that there could be something else now instead of what's there I came to believe in a power greater than me to restore me to sanity How can I believe in anything if my mind is closed? I can't. How can my mind stay closed? It's because my mind argues. My mind says baloney, and it stays closed. Your mind can open. This takes self-discipline again. This is like me telling you, try staying with me one day. I'll talk to you all day long. Try not to close your mind. Don't argue with me. At least listen to me. Listen to what I say. and see if there isn't something there that you might benefit from. And I'll tell you, you will. I'll guarantee it because of what it is. It's a mind that's receptive now. It's not an empty mind, a dumb mind, or stupid mind. It's the mind that isn't closed with self. It's in the mind. It's just a mind. It's also a mind that wants to have and can have many things. And this is exactly what I'm talking about. It's because of what it says. Sanity is soundness of mind. Wholeness of mind. That's why step two, and it ends, it talks about whether it's fell in the dining room furniture or on your moral fiber. It doesn't make no difference. It means your mind. You see, if your mind would stay open now, right now, if you're a man, if your brain would stay opened, it's possible that you can make a decision now. And when you make this decision, I'll make it with you right here on our knees, praying to God. I do it everywhere I go. And when YOU make that, it's a decision YOU'RE making. because you're the one that's going to ask God to come into your life. You're the One that's gonna be doing the things that are necessary for your life, and when you do this, you allow God to come in there, and when God's there, you're not gonna be able to get Him out. He won't go, and I'll guarantee you He won' t go, because you'll have such a thing inside of you now. You thought you had guilt before. You wait till you see what you have now when you go against God. this is true it's true for all of us every one of us you see I used to I've done third step prayers at retreats I've don't have I've got them in churches I've dot them in front rooms I've down them in bedrooms I've do them everywhere there is a dome but you see they're always for the same thing it's for you because you're doing it and it's me because I'm doing it with you because you still I still need and want I want God in my life I want to be who God wants me to be. I want you to be relieved of the bondage of self. How do you think you can get rid of self? You can't kick self out. But God can make it possible you don't even have to talk to you, talk to God. This is what the principles mean now. When you're in doubts right now, why not start talking to God? Maybe you don' t know Him, maybe you do. Start talking to Him. Same way I had to learn to talk with Him. I had talked to Him by His word. I'd say, God, I'm getting angry. Please be with me. Help me. I'm at it again forgive me help me please and it was a continuous thing as much as I could and as much as I couldn't is all God wanted me to do and when he did when I did that he did what he was doing to me he'll do the same for you the doubt that you have in your mind right now the doubt that you talked about the other night I'll guarantee you it'll leave you just as quick as that I'll I'll guarantee you and I will talk about this later maybe or closer hey Jenna principles are many there's everything is based on principle it's whatever you use but if you're talking about spiritual principles spiritual principles will be introduced in steps and the way they're introduced in steps is because you take like step 7 when you start serving man and God when you do 8 and 9 them are principles 10, 10 is a principle you must carry with you from the moment you wake up to the moment you go to bed and 10 is not 4 and then 11 gets here and 11 is one of the biggest one of all that's the one we can talk forever about so principles there's a list of principles basically for Alcoholics Anonymous Nadine I don't know if you still have one or with you or anything else but she copied one I had a long time ago and there's 12 basic principles that maybe some of all you maybe would you'd like to have it you know I got it along many years ago and where the traditions are I don't know I found her I found the steps but I didn't I don' t know where the tradition's are but maybe them or what you'd liked to know about Nadine will tell you we've got three minutes we are gonna go ready to get something to eat or anything anybody want to say you yeah the consciousness where I live where is it that God is coming from is he in the conscious or the unconscious and how do we know where it's coming from it's come from what is true you know I you know I read Carl Gustav Jung's book you know not for alcoholism but I I read it to see who he is and what I read in there you know, I agreed with it real well and what he said in there he said that the man he talks about man not drunkenness or anything like that just man or woman it says the true man lives and lies only in the subconscious that the true man would rather do something wrong he knows how to do rather than to do something right that he doesn't know how to do. Now, you know, I read that and thought, that's a description of me. Why would I want to keep trying the same thing over again? It never works. But I still want to keeps trying it over again. Why not try something new? I don't want to even think that way. Now, what you're saying is that everything has to go through your conscious mind to get to your subconscious mind. That's true. Because that's how you're fed. That's how you get information. If your conscious mind accepts it, it sends a message right to your subconscious. That's how you build that character that I'm talking about. Once that character is built, that's tattooed. That' s who I am. I can't change that. I can't redo it. I can't erase it. I can forget about it or anything else like that. Anything coming from a conscious mind is no more than an opinion. The true man or woman lies here. Here means your soul, your heart and soul, is what it means. So that's where all of everything lies. Good or bad doesn't mean no difference. It's still there. Call upon it for any reason and it's always there. Good or Bad doesn't make no difference It's because of who you are. That's the character you represent. This was hard to accept a lot of times especially when you mean well especially when your mind is telling you things I'd swear in a stack of Bibles I'd never do it again and I'd turn right around and do it no problem what is all of that did my head appear it says don't do it so eventually then or even now if I choose to the subconscious can actually be God operating me rather than I operating it's a God consciousness now, you have to put it on the basis of why the 12 steps are principles to use, to build, to be with because there's two ingredients all the time, remember it there's the method meaning the step application principles and the day you're in but there's also the power that's God, call it what you will God, but they're together they're in me together and they're not separated now some people, I know for sure I have a brother there was an alky big as alky you could be and he went to religion and he got alright and he's alright today and I couldn't do that so and there are other people that can happen too but for alcoholism as in me this is the only way that I know it's the only thing because I've tried everything before this and there is no success the success lies here and it's guaranteed so what you're saying right now what you say and her question is that what we're talking about is the character either the characters with self or the characters building with God building the new life in the subconscious mind yeah but you gotta remember there's two characters now you're not modifying try to remember this now by principle you're adding you're now adding something to what you have and then perform it from there because that don't work I'll guarantee you that this is building a new character building a new character is going to a power greater than self instead of the power of self you've got to look at like two separate deals all the time this is me and as he does it's built this is Me and I'm building me daily each and every day that's why I can have spiritual progress that's why I could go in the damn in farther in my life greater depth being able to see more, have more, do more. Only by the spiritual progress. What it says here, believe me this, this is only surface. This is only service. We're going to go deeper and deeper but we do that individually living with it. This isn't something I can do for you, you can do for me. Impossible. But each one of us though, we can grow greater in the day we're in for whatever we're doing because of the greatness of God. You're limited, I'm limited. God's not limited so this is something that you learn more of as you do you start using God more often you praise him more often you talk to him more often he's in your life now in places he wasn't before in all your affairs you see this is the teachings out of the steps shall we close this with a Lord prayer yeah wow wow We've got to hook up. Hook you up. So the vibe goes. Our Father. Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. For thine is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever. Amen. Keep coming back. It works. All right. It works if you like it. So this is the event. If any of you are concerned, we will get through the 12 steps today, so no problem so don't worry about that and anything else you need to ask? No, we wound up with step 3 any questions that were that are left unanswered we'll try to do them probably tomorrow morning because we have an overview and a time spent a lot of times the questions come out better, it seems like, so long as we keep them. You know, we'll go into step four. And my way of thinking in step four for a long time is that I did not really hear or I didn't know the real purpose of what step four was all about because at that time, step four was introduced as something that started way back when I was maybe a kid, maybe an infant or sometime or another. Well, in the program recovery, building the character that I am in the days that I'm living this day is that to make a searching, I made a searching and fearless moral inventory. Now, I had to learn the word moral, and I looked it up in dictionaries and dictionaries, and I've looked up many, many words all the time. And moral means right or wrong. Right from wrong. Good or bad. Right or wrongly. So, and then I had to learn that to make a searching and fearless moral inventory would be strictly a moral inventory of what's in me, in my mind. Now, that's where I live. I live in my mine. And also, it means that anything and everything the day that I'm in, whatever I have or whatever I use from my mind I must find out about this now and the way to find out about it is that I have to look at it for what's there and the away I had to start with people that I knew close like my mother, my father, brothers sisters, wife and workers or whatever and then what I had to find up just exactly what this means to make a searching and fearless moral inventory of me. And so I heard so many different ways, and at that time it was talked about, there's so many ways of doing it, of relating your life back to when they locked you in a closet or they kicked you in the hind end or whenever they did something to you. And then through the years you just did this and that and so on. But I found out for me that that was not what was wrong with me. It wasn't the idea that I was kicked in or locked in a closet or whatever did happen to me. It was what I was using in the day I was in to live in that day. I had to find out that defects of character were always things that I did that I should not do. Now, defects of characters had to be identified. Whether it meant if they came from when I was a child, put it down. The reason I have to put it down is because it's in today's mind. It's something that's there in me now. I don't have to go searching, looking for things that made me behave a certain way many years ago and then blame my behavior or blame the excuse of what I am today because of that. That don't jive. Not with me it don't. So I had to learn that this here what they're talking about now is a moral inventory and it's about the day I live in whatever is in me in my mind whether it started when I was a kid or it started yesterday. It makes no damn difference. It's in my mind today. I must write this today. Searching means exactly that, to search out what's in me so that I don't hide from me, so I don' t self-deceive me, so I do' n't make excuses for my behavior, so I d'on' t blame other things and the reason why I'm like I am today is because of yesterdays or yesterlife, or yestere-people, or whatever it is. So I had to learn that this here is step four that I'm talking about now for me. I hadto learn why I was like I was in the day I was there. Why do I have anger there? Why doI have whatever I have in the damn man? Why can't I write about this? I'm going to have to write about it because it's going to be coming from my mind. It's something I'm gong to do myself, personally. And so I had to learn that this stuff now, going backwards. Now, I think anybody and I guess all of us can go backwards. But to go backwards and use something that happened back then to excuse my behavior in a bar or in a party or with a gal or something like that and then to blame everything on a condition that happened many, many years ago. But I'm using it today. I'm living with it today。 It's what makes my life an unmanageable life today. Defects of character are always the same thing. There are things I do I should not do. This is a principle. This is principles what I'm talking about now. And they have to be looked at. And the reason why is because my sponsor talked to me and he told me about self-honesty. Now, self-onesty is right now. Self-honestly is a principal I live with. now self-honesty was coming out of step one two three now it's coming out at four I'm building a character based on principles these principles I'm using in the day I'm in I don't think step 4 is a hard step to do myself personally and I don't when I work with alcoholics that they find it that hard either because of what it is because there's no misconception here there's not things here that you have to go searching for they're in your mind it's the character you represent everything and anything that's in you is there and you know it and the way you know it you identify it you identify by your behavior the way of thinking the way how you think the way who act the way treat people the way remember how you use things you shouldn't use jealousy like one I'm one of the most jealous persons on earth I was at one time I was one of the most angry I was hostile angry now that isn't a condition I did now and then that wasn't something you made me do that was something that was in me that I did but I must write about it because it's my life I'm writing about it's mine it's the mind I'm reading about it's My Days that I'm Writing About and it doesn't make no difference when it started it could have started in a bar even or it could have started when I was five years old who knows but the important thing about it is to recognize today this day today why take an inventory why make a searching and fearless moral inventory there must be a purpose there must be something here because of what's here is needed to be here because I never knew who i was i never knew what was wrong with me i never knew that i had defects of character that i used for my life these defects of characters is what i display wherever i go and whatever i do because i'm built on defects of characteristics the character that i am is a character that I write about i don't think it's difficult i really don't with self-honesty with self discipline with wanting to know. Why don't they have something now? So you don't have to live the way you've been living. Whether you've being drunk or sober, it makes no difference. This is why step four is a step that most alcoholics they hide it. It's a big deal. They put it in the trunk of their car. They lock it up for six months. They don't want to look at it. They don't face it because of the fact they don't know what they're doing. They really are not informed of the purpose of taking an inventory An inventory means the character that I represent. An inventory is in my mind. The inventory is already established. You don't have to add a thing to my life. I already got everything in there, and it's the same thing that each one of us have. It's a way to combat people. It's the way to look at things. It's always a way to judge, to think, to act. Because if you take a look at defects of character, each one OF US, you can have a list a mile long or you can HAVE A FEW. It makes no difference. when you use them you're going to do damage and the damage you're gonna do is always self first and then others next because of what it is it's a mind it started in step one it said glass in hand I worked my mind and two says I'm willing to say I'm a problem drinker but in fact it won't admit a mentally ill and even 4 and 4 has the word in there too it says this on step 42 and 43 it says step 4 is our vigorous and painstaking effort to discover what these liabilities in each of us have been and are we want to find out we want to find exactly how, when and where our natural desires have warped us that same word warped we wish to look squarely at the unhappiness, this has caused others and ourselves to find this out. All I had to do myself, I started a list and I put the list, I put my mother first, my father, my brothers, my sisters and so on down the line and the reason I put them down there because they are people that are closest to me. They are people that I can look at and see my behavior towards them. Not their behavior but my behavior about what my mother might have said or done my father my brother sister these were defects of character that I'm talking about these were things that were in me and I could associate that to my mother to these other ones that are of the family and then from there I can go other places too I can do it I can even go to work with the bosses the guys I worked with and so on but what I'm trying to find out I'm trynna find out find out what makes me tick I'm trying to find out what's inside of me just exactly what is in me you mean to say that after you go to meetings and meetings and meeting and after you go to these meetings you still don't know what's the matter with you there's got to be something that's the way I was I'm talking about me because I kept going to meetings, and as I went to meetings I thought I was doing everything that possibly could be done and this here what I mean now is important to know, it's important to talk about because of what defects of character are. And I had to look at this now for exactly defects of character. A character that's defective. A character, instead of doing one thing one way it has to do it another way. When I should be kind, I can't be kind. I don't know how to be kind。I don't have the kindness in me to be kind. It's a quality that I don' t carry. The reason I don''t carry it is I live by defects. I built a character a long time ago way out in the world that I lived in then I brought this character in the Alcoholics Anonymous when I brought this character I brought all of the defects with me too but they weren't identified they were not identified step four gives me a chance now to see exactly who I am because you see step four follows three because in three when I made a decision to turn my will and my life over to care of God as I understood Him I can do something now I couldn't do before there's a power in me it's called God I'm asking this God to be with me to take care of me by my will and my life total now comes the now comes to the defects of character to recognize myself to look at myself you see I'll tell you one time a long time ago I could get away with a lot of things because I didn't know any better I could lie to you and I was sober and I could lie to you and get away with it and I didn't feel bad about it either and then there came a time I could do other things and I did not give a damn about them either but then when it came a time that the character building the way to live the way of life the way the way to think the way to act in a day I am in had to be there and when it was there all things became possible this is one now that the power is greater than me the power I call God I call Lord I ask him to help me write to help me read now I'm not telling you to do this now believe me I'm not but I'm telling you how I had to do something that I didn't know how to do by by myself I can't read right even today I can read something and after I read it I have to go back and re-read it you know why I don't know what the devil I read because my mind was some place in the second all I have to do is ask God to help me read. Be with me. And I read and I'll read good. And I'll reading everything I read, I know what I'm reading. And this is something now that in step four, to learn about me in deep effects of character, I had to be, have real self-honesty because I can't see me. But I can write about me. I can put down how impatient. I can put down how angry I am. I can put down many, many things. I couldn't do that before. I was afraid to do it. I didn't want to do it. It was something that you could do it, I don't need to do it. I started to have something different in my life and it was an application of steps. But you see now remember, try to remember, keep it paramount in your mind. You're building a character now by principles now you're living in the moment you're in by principles truths that are already there there is a method here that's why these steps have you noticed they're starting to go one two three four five six you see what they're doing they're building a character a new character not a modified old character but a new character a new character that has principles these principles are not in the book they're in my life an application they're a way of thinking they're a way of acting they're a way of being this is why in a day that you're in when some things I never would be able to handle it I can handle it today I can go through it and have success some of the things I don't like some of the things are scary even but I still can go through it but see I'm not going through it with fears I'm nicht going through it with memories I'm niet going through it with self I'm depending on principles spiritual in their nature with a power that makes it possible see in step three when step three was there that's the foundation that's the foundation of Alcoholics Anonymous right now it takes that to make any kind of change of character The character cannot change by the self. You can't will yourself, you can't wish yourself, and you can tell yourself and do anything different. You can't. It's impossible. But this is what we're doing now. Now on step four. Step four is a long step. The reason it's long is because it goes in history. It goes in lots of yesterdays. It goes in explanations of what defects of character are. The best explanation that I think that you should hear or should know about is defects of character are always things you do you should not do. Now, take a look at this, what I'm saying. See if this isn't something you can recognize. See, if you see yourself now. I was angry. I showed anger. I lived by anger. But anger's in me. It's the only thing I know to use. I don't know how to use anything else but anger. I can use other defects, but them other defects are just like anger. There are things I shouldn't do either. So to make a list of this, to make us searching and fearless moral inventory would be to put them down. And to put him down, I had to put Him down first with loved ones. And then I find out that some of these defects of character are with strangers. The Same defect of character is out in that world I'm in, and it's not with my mother or my father or my brother or somebody else like that. So this is learning a great deal about me, the way I think and the day I'm In. How I'm out in That Freeway, or maybe I'm at a market. How all of a sudden I get angry, I get hot, I get impatient, I get real critical. Maybe the line's too long. Maybe they've got too many things in their basket or anything. Something's happening to me. And what's happening to me are defects of character which I use that I don't know how not to use. Because I don' t know how NOT to get angry. Because anger is the only thing I know. Jealousy is the ONLY thing I KNOW. I don''t know how to act so I'm NOT jealous. I don ''t have the capacity. There''s nothing going in me that will take this away from me because it''s always me. but yet here in the step in the application in principle step four is a step that I can walk and talk in the day I'm in so that I'm not angry I'm showing defects of character of any type if and when they come and some of them will come there's a method now so that it doesn't have to stay I don't have feed on it I don' t have to energize it I don''t have to live with it I don ''t have draw from it because that''s where I used to draw all the things I drew from was putting you down, hurting you saying things deliberately, knowingly say things that I know it's going to hurt you and this could be, maybe I'm saying it to you, but I'm talking about her all of these things these are defects of character self-honesty yourself must see this if you don't see it, you don' t recognize it you don''t identify it,you don'' t write it then you can do nothing about it except keep doing that the purpose of step four there's four, five and six they go together but they're individual steps they're individuals because of the application you do in the day you're in there's no way that I can harbor in my mind today anything anything at all against anybody I cannot use it I can't think with it I will not give it life I will never use it I will now entertain it this is something that must be there But if you notice, step four is after three. And the reason it's after three is because if it wasn't after three, I wouldn't be able to do it. I just wouldn't have the capacity to do that. I'd have to do me again. But the steps are in an order form now. Logical order form. To treat alcoholism by building a new character today, living that character today. You can't treat Tamar's disease today. It's impossible. But you can do something about it today. This is important. What's important, too, is the fact to know who you are. To have self-honesty. To want to know where you are is to expose yourself to paper, writing it, and then maybe with a sponsor, trying to open somebody up, trying to get out of them things that they still keep and they don't even know they're keeping. Step four is a step that will set each one of us into a world now that even if you do goof, the thing about it is it isn't something that you did intentionally. It isn't Something You Did Deliberately. Maybe you did something and somebody got hurt, but you have now a genuine interest in correcting that. You have something now going on for you so that you can do something about your life as you live your life today. This is why when we get up a little bit farther, that we find out that we can have a relationship with another human being. And this is important because relationships with human beings could be anybody. It could be your son, your daughter, your wife, your husband, your mother, your father, a total stranger, it wouldn't make no difference. But you see, this is the way of life. This is a guarantee for each one of us that we don't have to live in struggle and pain and yesterday's mistakes and live today trying to remember what not to do so that you don't do it again. You don't need to. It isn't necessary. Step four, you know, we're going to be short on time this afternoon but I want to cover all the steps. Step four. We maybe right now maybe spend five minutes. something I said that might seem hard or doubtful or whatever it is instead of going into detail maybe we could is there anything I said that should be said differently or more clear or anything like that Adrian so basically from what I'm saying you're saying that the character are you saying that it's not important to go back the path Other than it's important to identify the character defects that are still in us today. The reason why we do them is just to identify them for ourselves and not go into explicit detail about what manifested through the character defect. No, no, I'm not saying that. I'm saying that everything and anything in today's life, whether it did come from yesterday, yesteryears, yestercildhood, anytime. I don't care when. If it's in your life today, if it's in your mind today, write it down. To do this, you don't have to create something or think in terms that maybe my mother whipped me when I was little and that's why I act like I act today because they locked me in a closet or some other reason. You can go searching forever and never find your defects of character. But if you make a searching and fearless moral inventory moral meaning right from wrong whether it started when you were in high school, grade school I don't care when if it's in your mind today if you're living this day to day with defects of character put it down write it down this is what this is about now how it got there, when it got here it isn't really necessary to know that although you can know about it I had to know about certain things but it isn't necessary what's necessary is to do the application of the steps you see all of these steps every one of them you don't need to know nothing other than do what they're supposed to do and that'll treat alcoholism now believe that now there is a step eight and nine coming up it'll come out of four some of it and that's clearing away the wreckage of the past or making a list and then doing this and that but you see we're not there what we're trying to do now is recognize exactly what's inside of you as the individual like me as the individual that's causing trouble in your life because there are defects there are things you use in a day you're in you should not use a defect is always something that you do you should not do it's defective it's wrong it's going to harm it's gonna hurt it's about maybe self maybe about somebody else. But you see what it is. It's a character that uses defects in the days in and he's got an unmanageable life or she's got an unmanuelable life for the same reason. Something happened. You treat the world wrong and the world you live in is going to be wrong. I used to look at this world like the world did me harm. The world didn't do me harm, I did the world harm. But I didn't know the difference until I got into the steps and realized how I thought and acted. How I walked around with a mind that was somebody I love and inside of my mind there's hatred. The same person I love, I hate. Do you think for one minute I could live with success like that? Wouldn't happen. It don't happen and this is all about what I'm talking about now. To be able to look at this situation this living situation today why not learn why not try to learn why not at least let it be exposed to see if it's there for you like it's for me like it is for all of us why spend time at meetings why read all these years and these books and never be able to use them never be unable to benefit by them just use them for head knowledge that's all no more than that go to meetings and come from meetings I'm talking about me not you I did it for a long period of time and I left that meeting the same person I brought there I left with and yet good things were happening but not to me so this is why like a retreat to talk about things you can't there's no way I can talk at meetings like I talk at retreats there's not a way there's now way I get up at a podium and talk this way most of the people in there think I'm a fruitcake yeah people that talk like I talk I used to think they're Jesus freaks I thought there's something wrong with them there's nothing wrong with me I found a way of life in Alcoholics Anonymous it gives me a world a world I want to live in all the worlds I knew before I didn't want to be in I didn' t want to leave them they were too tough, too hard too bad of memories too many yesterdays too many hurts this isn't like that not a bit like that in the fourth step we list resentment you're saying make a story with your mother and father you're listing resentment and if there are like victimization episodes that are really severe in your life I'm missing a progression of where you go from that column to the defective character column there's going to be something in between there so that you can recognize what your defects are I'm going to stop still thinking about victimization episodes that can happen. I'm learning on the course of now. And then going to the defense, because I can't recognize, I'm recognizing I'm angry, I'm confused, I'm realizing, is this bad in other columns? Because I haven't heard you mention it. Is that the way the progression is? You mentioned your resentment, the next column is mentioning how it makes you feel, and then the next column is a defensive strategy? Well, the way I've been taught, the way i live and what i know is the columns you're talking about there's only in my way of thinking see there's only three columns and the three columns is there the first column is the defect it's the relationship i must identify the defective character that's in me the only way i can do that is through people i can't look at me and see me as an angry person I just can't do it I can't look inside of me and count defects of character but I can look at people that I have lived with that I've experienced life with and through them people I can see how I treated how I acted how I behaved if you were severely beaten or whipped or like you said locked in crime there's a severe victimization of episodes that later on you became severely alcoholic about dating or whatever How do you recognize your defect when the memory is flashing in your mind of being whipped or being severely beaten? How do You recognize what Your defective character is in an episode like that? Well, see, what You're saying and what I'm saying are two different things. What You're Saying is that You have to find out how bad the world treated You and pounded You and hurt You and then you in turn attack the world or you got the defective character from there. And I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about, I built me. When I started building me, I didn't build me in kindergarten. I started doing it when I was 15 years old. I started working and as I was working I was starting to live in a world that I was responsible in. I was living in a worldview where I did things. I made things happen. I bought a car. I bought a motorcycle. I ride with a bunch of people. I go to bars. I go to parties. I go to a job. I work. You see, all of these things that I'm talking about now, these are not things that they whipped me when I was a kid and I couldn't do it because I'm living now today and I can't work today because somebody whipped me when I was five years old. I want to find out where my mind got distorted, where it got injured, where it got warped. And it got warped when I started living in this world. The life I come from, it doesn't make any difference. In my book, it doesn'T make no difference. I went through charity days. I went though days of hunger. I went throughthough days of all kinds that I could blame anything on I wanted to. I'M THAT OLD. I remember what IT'S LIKE NOT TO BE ABLE TO EAT, NOT TO HAVE FOOD. I REMEMBER A GREAT MANY THINGS ABOUT DEPRESSION. BUT THAT ISN'T THE...