The Wall Between Me and the World – Tom B.

About This Speaker Tape

A scrawny freckled kid who grew up as a 'perfectionist' to avoid being hurt Tom B. spent decades chasing the spotlight and the approval of others while building a wall of isolation. He describes a cycle of periodic drinking blackouts in the Wake County Jail and a desperate attempt to 'undo' his wreckage through religious performance and intellectualism.

After years of stealing red chips and trying to outsmart the program with head knowledge he hit a bottom where he could no longer con himself. Through the rigorous guidance of a sponsor who demanded he do it 'his way,' Tom B. dismantled the wall moved past the 'torture chair' of the fifth step and found a freedom that allows him to roll in the grass with his children and find Higher Power in the small things.

Topics

Timestamps

• 0:45 Laughter: The 'self-supporting' joke about the airport.
• 2:30 Tom B. discusses the 'Language of the Heart' versus the logic of the mind.
• 5:15 Childhood memories of being called 'Pudding Head' and 'Cotton Top' and the drive for perfection.
• 8:40 The first drink at 15 on a high school singing trip in Greensboro.
• 12:10 Descriptions of the 'bullpen' and the powdered eggs at the Wake County Jail.
• 16:45 The struggle with 'head knowledge' and stealing red chips from the chip box.
• 21:20 Meeting his sponsor, Harry, and the requirement to do it 'his way'.
• 24:10 Step 5: The 'torture chair' and the spiritual experience of admitting the 'rottenest things'.
• 28:30 The shift from seeking a Higher Power for use to seeking a Higher Power to give himself away.
• 31:15 A tender moment describing making a 'tree' out of leaves with his son, Jason.