The Truth About Alcoholism That His Wife Learned in Al-Anon – Charlie P.

Good morning everybody, my name is Charlie Parmley and I'm a very grateful recovering alcoholic sex maniac. I haven't found it necessary to indulge in either one today yet barbara told me on the way over here yesterday she said charlie when you speak this weekend she said why don't you talk a little more about spirituality and a little less about sex and i said barbora i don't know anything it's any more spiritual than sex i spent the first 50 years of my life praying i could do it twice i've spent the last 18 praying i Could do it once i don't know of anything any more spiritual even at our age barb and i about got this sex thing down anyhow we do it almost every night we almost did it tuesday night and we almost did it last night and might even do it tonight. Who knows? Before I start this morning, I also want to thank the committee for asking Barbara and I to be here. I want to think Les and Pearl for the way they've taken care of us since we've been here. Couldn't ask for better hospitality. I thank the committee for the great fruit basket we got. My God, I've never seen a fruit basket like that before. And I really thank them for the new automobile they gave us to run around in while we're here. We really appreciate that. I want to thank our friend Cliff for his talk last night. My sponsor used to say that he didn't know whether everybody from Southern California was crazy or not. But he said Cliff wrote sure as hell was. I believe Cliff convinced us of it last night, did a great job. We need people like Cliff. I wish we had more of them running around the country and talking the way he talked. I'll go back now and introduce myself as I should have in the beginning. My name is Charlie Parman. I'm a very grateful recovering alcoholic. And because I'm an alcoholic, I'm going to introduce myself. I'm also a member of the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. and by the grace of the power that I found in the 12-step program of Alcoholics Anonymous, I haven't found necessary to take a drink for 10,300 days today, one day at a time and for this I'm very grateful. Now most of the people that know me anymore in AA I hear them quite often referring to me as an AA fundamentalist and I'm not really sure what an AA fundamentalist is but if it's to love the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous then I'm probably an AA fundamentalist. If it's to love the big book AlcoholicsAnonymous with all your heart then I'll probably be an AA Fundamentalist. If it is to love the Fellowship of Alcoholic Anonymous with All Your Heart and All Your Soul and your God as you understand him, then I am probably an AAA Fundamentalists because you see it's because of those three things that I'm here this morning. If it hadn't been for the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous, I would never have found the big book Alcoholics Anonymous. And if I had never found the Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous I could never have stayed with the fellowship and I would never have been able to find this God as I understand him today. So if those are what it takes to be a fundamentalist then that's probably what I am. And as I talk this morning I'm not going to talk a whole lot about drinking. Those of you that are here that are alcoholic, you know about all you need to know about drinking anyhow. And those of you that are non-alcoholic, I assume you've lived with the alcoholics and you know all you needs to know about drinking too. So I think what I would really like to talk about today is just a little bit about my first drunk. Maybe a little bit about my last drunk. and mainly what I'd like to talk about is what happened to me after I got to the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. And as I talk about that first drunk, I have to always go back, way back to the childhood, to the very beginning. And like so many of we alcoholics, I know as a kid growing up, I was always on the outside of the crowd looking in. Always wanted to be a part of, always knew I could not be. like cliff told us last night i was a little short fella he was real skinny i was a little bit chubby and i've always worn these glasses it seems as far back as i can remember and i always wanted to be a part of what everybody else was doing but i always knew that whatever i said whatever i did would be the wrong thing people would laugh and i would be embarrassed by that like cliff said i never felt that i was enough always short in all areas and most of the guys that I ran around with in those days many of them were into athletics in school and I want to be a part of that athletic scene also and I remember going to the football coach one day and asked him let me try out for the football team now I'm not really sure what he said but he seemed to me as though he said son I'm sorry the little short fat boys that wear glasses don't make very good football players. Why don't you go over and try out for the basketball team? I remember going to the basketball coach, and I asked him, let me try out für the basketball team. And it seemed as though he said, son, I'm sorry but little short fat boys that wear glasses don't make very good basketball players. Why don' t you try out fur the track team? And I found that everywhere I turned in the athletic picture, I was always once again on the outside of the crowd looking in wanting to be part of and knew that I could not be. Another thing I noticed these guys doing is quite often I would see them in the hallways in school and they would be walking down the hall and had they would have their arm around the girl and she would have her head laying over on their shoulder looking up at him with those great eyes that you girls have and once in a while I would see them behind the stairwell and he would have her backed up in the corner and his arms around her and her arms around him and they would be kissing each other. And I wanted to do some of that too. But I found that the little short fat boys that wear glasses didn't score any better with the girls than they did with the athletic teams always left on the outside of the crowd looking in, wanting to be and could not be. And I shall never forget one night at an old high school dance In fact, I was born and raised over here in Tulsa, Oklahoma. We had a high school dance out in an old barn south of town. The old dairy barn had been converted into a dance hall. The upstairs portion where they used to store the hay for the cows had been made into the dance floor. The downstairs portion where there used to have the stanchions to milk the cows, they had tables where you could sit and drink Cokes and et cetera. and we were all at this high school dance, and I was upstairs watching the kids dance. And I'm standing against the wall, and I happen to look out there, and I noticed a little girl named Betty. And I'd been wanting to do something with Betty for a long time, but I was always afraid to say anything to her because I know if I did, she'd say no, and people would hear that and laugh, and I would be embarrassed by it. And I was standing against a wall watching them dance, and I said to myself, as soon as this music stops, I'm going to walk over there and ask Betty to dance with me. And the music stopped, and I began to walk toward Betty to ask her to dance. And as I did, my mind said, well, what are you going to do if she says no? All these kids will hear and laugh, and you're going to be embarrassed by it. My footsteps got slower and slower. And before I got to her, my brain said, well, how are you doing to make a fool of yourself? What are you gonna do if he says yes? And you're gonna step on her toes and stumble and fall and make a foolish yourself, and everybody's gonna laugh, and you're going to be embarrassed by it. And before I could get to Betty, the music started and somebody grabbed her and started dancing. And I went back over against the wall and I said to myself, as soon as this music stops, I'm going to ask Betty to dance with me. Now there was a tall guy there, slender guy, come siding up to me. And he said, Charlie, how would you like to go outside with me and have a drink of moonshine? Well, now I didn't know what moonshINE was. But I didn' t want to tell him no because these other kids had heard him ask me, and I knew I would be embarrassed if I said no. So I said, okay, that'll be fine. Let's do that. And we went outside, and we went down to his car, and he opened up the trunk, and he got out a quart jar of moonshine. Now you people in this room that are moonshINE drinkers will know what I'm about to say. As he took the lid off of that old quart fruit jar, the blue smoke rolled up out of that stuff. and he took a drink of it and he handed it to me and I tilted that moonshine up and as it went over my lips great things began to happen just immediately as he passed my lips my lips began to tingle and vibrate it struck my teeth and they kind of shattered up and down it hit my tongue and I could feel my tongue begin to grow and expand and swell immediately it hit by the end it hit on my cheeks and they kinda fluttered in and out At the same time, I could feel it passing through my sinus cavities into my forehead. And I began to get a feeling in my forehead which was absolutely indescribably wonderful. Now, I haven't even swallowed the damn stuff yet. I've just got it in my mouth. When I swallowed that moonshine, you know what happened. As it started down through my throat and through my esophagus, it felt like I'd swallowed liquid fire. I almost choked to death on it gagged on it but at the same time as it passed through my esophagus down into my stomach great things begin to happen. I felt for the first time my chest begin to grow and expand and get bigger and bigger and it hit my stomach and it just literally exploded like a bomb almost immediately I could feel it racing through my arms and they got longer and longer it hit my hands and fingers, and they begin to tingle and vibrate. At the same time, it's racing through my arms. It's racing to my legs, and their getting longer and longer, and I'm getting taller and taller, and it hits my feet and toes, and got a hot intense burning exciting get up and go somewhere and do something feeling. And this guy looked at me and said would you like to have another drink? And from the tremendous height that already grown to I look down on his head and I said, yeah, I believe I'll have one more of them. And we had a second drink and I started back up the stairs to where those kids were dancing and I knew a new freedom and I grew a new happiness. I comprehended the word serenity and I drew peace. No matter how far down the scale I'd gone I could see where my experience would benefit others. fear of people and economic insecurity began to leave me I intuitively do how to handle situations which used to baffle me and I stood against the wall and I said as soon as this music stops I'm going to ask Betty to dance with me and the music stopped and I began to walk toward Betty and this time my mind didn't say well what are you going to do she says no because I do there would be no doubt whatsoever Betty would say yes and my mind did not say well what do you do if she says yes and you stumble and fall? Because I knew that not only would she say yes, but I would be able to dance with her and things would be great. And I walked right up to Betty and I said, Betty, how would you like to dance with me? And she looked at me another funny and she said, well, yeah, Charlie, I guess that would be all right. And the music started and Betty and I began to dance. And sure enough, I didn't step on her toes and I didn'T stumble and I DIDN'T fall and everything went just great. And when that tune ended, I turned back to Betty and I said, Betty, how would you like to dance with me again? She said, well, yeah, Charlie, that's okay. She said you're a pretty good dancer. She says, I didn't even know you could dance. And I said hell, I didn't either but let's keep doing it. To the best of my knowledge, I danced with Betty every tune for the rest of the evening. And as the dance began to draw of clothes, I found myself doing something I'd never been able to do before. I said, Betty, hey, could I take you home from the dance? Now, I'd Never taken a girl home from a dance or anywhere else before. 14 years old and you girls had literally scared me to death all my life. And Betty said, well, yeah, I guess that's okay. We can do that. Now, i didn't have a car to take Betty home in but i knew a guy that had one and he happened to be a tall slender guy that had a quarter moonshine in the back of his car. And I went to him and I said, how about Betty and I ride home with you and your girlfriend? She's agreed to let me take her home from the dance. He said, well fine, great, come on, let's go. So we get Betty and we get his girlfriend, we go down to the car, we get the quarter moonshire out of the trunk and he and his girlfriend get in the front seat, Betty and i get inthe back seat and we start tootling it down the road. And as we're tooling it down the road, I begin to think, and you know how we alcoholics are when we begin to thing. I thought here I am sitting in the backseat of this car with this girl. I've asked her to dance with me and she said alright. I'm taking her home for the dance and I thought I wonder what she would do if I would take my left arm and put it around her shoulder and pull her over against me would she lay her head on my shoulder like those girls do those guys in school? And we rode a little further, and I thought about that some more, and I decided to do it. And I put my arm around Betty's shoulder and pulled her over against me, and sure enough, she just laid against my shoulder, put her little head down here, and looked at me with those great eyes like you girls have. And I thought, oh, man, Charlie, you've been looking out, you've be missing out on some of the better things of life all along. And as we rode A Little Further, I began to think again. here I've asked this girl to dance with me and I'm taking her home to dance. We're sitting in the back seat of this 36 Chevrolet. I've got her head on my shoulder. She's looking at me with those great eyes. I wonder what she would do if I would kiss her. Now, I'd never kissed a girl before and I wasn't really sure how you should go about it but I'd seen them do it in the movies and I knew that in the movies when they kissed them they usually got their face and got it in just the right position. And then they leaned down and closed their eyes and put their lips on the little girl's eyes. I mean, on the Little Girl's Lips. So as I thought about that some more, I took my right hand and I reached over and I got Betty by the chin and I've got her face positioned where I thought it should be. And I leaned down and put my lips against hers and closed my eyes as I did. And I really don't know what I expected to happen. and I don't know whether I expected her to slap my face or what she would do about it, but I was quite amazed by what took place. As my lips touched hers, it seemed as though I felt a little spark of electricity flow between our lips. And the next thing I know, her little lips begin to move, and my little lips began to move. And again, I experienced one of those feelings which is absolutely indescribably wonderful. When a 14-year-old boy kisses a girl for the first time, my God, what an experience that was. And as we rode a little further, I began to think again. I thought, here I am taking this girl home from the dance. I've danced with her, got her in the back seat of this car, got her head on my shoulder. I kissed her. She didn't slap my face. And I wonder what she would do if I would reach over and get a hold of one of those things. Well, now, I didn't know any more about getting a hold of one OF those things than I did about kissing one of them. but I assumed that she ought to be kissing them at the same time. So once again, I took my right hand, I reached over and I got Betty by the chin, got her face in what I thought would be the right position. I leaned down to put my lips on hers but this time I didn't close my eyes because I wanted to see what my righthand was getting ready to do. And as I kissed Betty, I reached so with my right hand and sure enough I got a hold of one of those things. Now let me tell you something if you're a little short fat boy that wears glasses and you 14 years old and you've been thinking about getting a hold on those things for a long time and you get one of them in your hand for the first time now that is a feeling which is absolutely indescribably wonderful. I can remember it tonight. It felt as if I had liquid fire in my hand and it felt as if right in the center of my hand there was a hot coal burning right through the center of my head coming clear out the back of it. As I look back at that now, I realize that's probably my first spiritual experience that night. I think about it today and my old right hand just gets jumping up and down. Now, I'm not going to talk anymore about Betty. People used to say, Charlie, why don't you finish that story about Betty? And I used to say, well, the reason I don't finish that story about Becky is because I don' t believe in talking about those things from behind the podium. But today I realize the reason I don''t finish that storey about Betty is I don ''t remember the rest of that store about Betty." because you see something else happened to me that night too which was also one of those indescribably wonderful things as I was doing these things with Betty these things that were so exciting that were important for this 14 year old boy to be doing it seemed as though something within every fiber of my being would say to me why don't you stop what you're doing with her and reach over there and drink some more of that stuff in that quart jar. And I'd have to stop what I was doing with Betty and take another drink of that moonshine and then go back to Betty and after a while that same thing within me would seem to say why don'T you stop this and have some more of that staff in that jar. And somewhere that night I went into a blackout don't remember what took place don't remember all of the great exciting things that probably happened after that and I think that night at age 14 I experienced the first thing you have to have in order to be a practicing alcoholic I experienced a physical allergy the phenomenon of craving that develops within the body after we've had a couple of drinks and I couldn't stop drinking and I ended up drunk and I ending up sick and I woke up next morning not remembering what took place the night before. Woke up at home in my bed not remembering how I got there. Wokeup next morning with a terrible, terrible hangover. And as I wokeup in mybed with that terrible, terriblehangover I began to think about the nightbefore. And you know as I thought about thenightbefore I didn't think aboutthe fact that I was sick. I didn' t think aboutthefactthat I was hungover. I didn't think about the fact that I didn t remember how I got in bed. I didn d think about that I couldn't remember what took place with Betty. I thought about one thing and one thing only, that great exciting in-control feeling that came when I took that first drink. I thought only about what the alcohol did for me the night before, not what it did to me. And I think the next morning I experienced the second thing you have to have to be a practicing alcoholic, the obsession of the mind to drink alcohol. The inability to see the truth about alcohol. You know if we alcoholics from the very beginning, if we could have seen the truth about what alcohol does to us, probably somewhere down the line we would have quit drinking. But it seems to be common factor with every alcoholic, The complete inability to differentiate the true from the false when it comes to alcohol. I remembered only what it did for me, not what it did to me. And just like Cliff said last night, the next time I got an opportunity to try that, sure enough I took a drink and the magic happened again. But the allergy took over and I ended up drunk again. Alcoholic from the very very beginning. Now other people around me could see the truth about my drinking from the very start. My mother said to me when I was about 15 years old, she said, son, I need to talk to you about your drinking. She said, don't you know that you have an uncle in a state insane asylum in the state of California? And she said the reason he's there is because he's an alcoholic and he drank so much alcohol he became a wet brain. And she said I watched him when he first started drinking and she said what I need to say to you is you drink just like he did when he first started and she said son you'll end up in the state insane asylum just like him if you continue to drink and I said to my mother mama you don't understand me that I'm not like my uncle if alcohol ever gets to be a problem in my life I'll stop drinking you'll never have to worry about that the complete inability to see the truth about alcohol i'm 16 years old and my daddy said to me son i need to talk to you about your drinking he said i don't know whether you know it or not but he said there's never been a member of the parmley family that's ever been able to successfully drink alcohol he said every one of us that's never tried it we either quit it immediately or we completely destroyed ourself and he said you're not any different than the rest of us and he says if you don't do something about you drinking. You'll never, never be anything in this world. And I said to my daddy, Daddy, you don't understand me. I said, I'm only half Parmley. I'm not like the rest of you Parmlies. You will never have to worry about my drinking. If it ever gets to be a serious problem, I'll stop drinking.You won't have to worried about that. Now then, I am 17 years old and I wake up in an army hospital in Bremerhaven, Germany. And there's a doctor standing by the side of my bed and he said, son, I need to talk to you about your drinking. He said, I'm sure you don't know it but you've already died twice in the last three days. And he said what I need to tell you is if you continue to drink the way you drink you'll never live to see age 30. And I said doctor you don' t understand me. If alcohol ever gets to be a serious problem in my life I'll stop drinking. Alcohol will never kill me don't you worry about that I'm 21 years old I've married a beautiful, beautiful black headed little lady I loved her deeply and she loved me too and she said to me one day she said Charlie I need to talk to you about your drinking she said I love you deeply and you're a good husband but what I need you to tell you is if you continue to drink the way you're drinking sooner or later I'm going to have to divorce you she said I don't know what you're doing when you're out drinking but you're doing things that you shouldn't be doing you're coming in here about half drunk all the time and I don't intend to live this way any longer and I said sweetheart don't you worry about my drinking if it ever gets to be a serious problem in our marriage I'll stop drinking you'll never have to worry about that the complete inability to see the truth about alcohol I'm now about 30 years old and my boss come to call me in one day and he said Charlie I need to talk to you about your drinking he said you're one of the finest employees we've got and he says you're slated to take my position when I retire a couple years from now but he said what I need to tell you is you're drinking too much and you're laying out at night and you coming in hungover and he's and he said from time to time I smell it on you and even though you're a good employee if you don't do something about your drinking sooner or later, we'll have to fire you. And I said, oh boss, you'll never have to worry about that. If alcohol ever gets to be that kind of problem in my life I'll quit drinking. The completed ability to see the truth about alcohol everybody else could see it but I couldn't see it. Now some 22 or 23 years after I took that first drink as I began to look back on my life just about everything that happened to me that those people said would except I hadn't died by age 30. That's about the only one I got by without. The beautiful wife had left. The beautiful job had gone. All the good things of life had begun to disappear. I had met and married a second beautiful lady and she's with me this morning. I'd like for you all to see her. She's going to speak this afternoon. And Barbara, would you stand up for just a moment? And poor old Barbara. When I met and married Barbara, it was right in the worst part of my drinking. And Barbara and I had moved from Tulsa, Oklahoma to a little farm up in Arkansas. And we were raising three children she had when we got married and a new little girl that we had after we got buried. and Barbara had begun to talk to me about my drinking. She began to say some of the same things the first wife had said. Charlie, I love you deeply, and you're a good husband, and you have a good father, but you're going to have to do something about your drinking, or eventually I'm going to divorce you. And I, of course, told Barbara the same thing that I'd told all the rest of them. You'll never have to worry about that. If it gets to be a serious problem, I'll stop. and one day Barbara carried through and she filed for divorce now I did the only thing that a good self-respecting alcoholic can do under those conditions I sneaked back in the house and I cleaned up and shaved and put on some sweet smell and I began to talk to Barbara about this divorce I said now Barbara I don't think you really realize what you're getting yourself into you had three kids and we got married now you got four there's no way you can make a living and I don't believe that you'd be able to get along without me. And I said, I'll tell you what I'll do. If you'll put the money back in the bank and she did what the lawyer told her, he had told her to go get the money out of the bank first. I said if you'll put the Money Back in the Bank and drop these divorce proceedings, I will stop drinking and everything will be okay. That's all Barbara really wanted to hear. And she dropped the divorce proceedings, put the MONEY BACK IN THE BANK and sure enough, I stopped drinking. Now you see, I didn't know I was alcoholic. I didn' t know I had an obsession of the mind. I didn''t know that I would be unable to completely stop drinking and you people that are not alcoholic believe me when I say this. When we say we're going to stop drinking we mean to do exactly that and we exert every bit of willpower that we've got. Now people try to tell us that we are weak-willed people. Don't you believe that we are strong-wille people? Weak-willed people do not become alcoholic. The third time they vomit, they quit drinking. Alcoholic knows there's got to be some way to drink without puking. We damn near kill ourselves trying to find it. And we take that willpower and we apply that willpower to we're going to stop drinking assuming that we'll be able to do so. And I put the jug away and I quit drinking and everybody was happy about that. Barbara was happy About It. The kids were happy About it. The banker was happy about it. The sheriff was happy about it, the neighbors were happy about It, but I wasn't happy about i. Because you see I had removed from me the only thing that had ever made me feel good. The only thing it had ever make me feel enough had been taken away from me. And I had replaced it with nothing except willpower. And as time went by of course I felt worse and worse and worst. And one day my mind said to me, it's really not that bad. Charlie, I believe you've been sober now for about 90 days and you've proven you're not an alcoholic and you could surely have a beer or two. And I had a couple of beers, not knowing I would trigger the allergy, not knowing i would be unable to stop drinking. And sure enough, I ended up drunk and sick and in all kinds of trouble. And the next thing I know, Barbara has filed for divorce again, took all the money out of the bank, put the papers on me and I did the only thing a self-respecting alcoholic can do I sneaked back in the house and I shaved and I cleaned up and I put on the sweet smell and I began to talk to her again now I'm not sure what it is that I've got but apparently she's willing to go to any lengths to get it because I talked her out of that divorce the second time she put the money in the bank dropped the divorce proceedings and I again proceeded to stay sober and everybody in the area was happy about that except me. And as time went by and I got feeling worse and worse and worst, the time came when it was necessary for me to have a drink and I took that drink and I triggered the allergy and I couldn't stop drinking. Now this time though, Barbara's sister who lives in Tulsa, she had sent Barbara some literature on AA and also on Al-Anon. Now let me be the first to say this morning that I love the Fellowship of Al-Anon just as much as I love the Fellowsship of AA. Because without Al-Ana, I probably wouldn't be here today either. Because Barbara was reaching the point where she was making, and she'll tell her story today, some real harsh decisions about whether to kill me or not. And she got that information about AA and she got that information about Al- Anon and she decided that she would go to an Al- Ana meeting Now just prior to that Al-Anon meeting she went to, we got into one of our little family discussions. Her sober and me drunk. And she filed for divorce a third time. This time they put me completely out of the house where I couldn't even sneak in and clean up and put on Sweet Smell'em. And Barbara went to the Fellowship of Al-Alanon and the day after she went to Al-Anon she called me and she said Charlie I've been to a meeting of Al-Alan and she said I've learned a little something about alcoholism and she said I'm learning that you don't drink the way you drink because you want to you do it because you have to she said I've learn that you dont treat me the way you treat me because youwant to because you have to and she says I really believe that you and I could probably put this thing back together If you would like to come home, let's try for the third time. Now I've always given Al-Anon credit for that. But also, I think another thing that happened is this time before I went on that drunk, I went to the bank and I got all the money out of it. And she had ended up high and dry without any cash herself this time. So I think that had a little something to do with it too. I came back home Barbara proceeded to go to Al-Adhan and I continued to drink only this time it was different always before when I really really needed a drink I always had the privilege of being able to pick a fight with Barbara get really mad and upset and then say to myself anybody that has to live with a woman like that deserves a drink and gave me a perfect excuse for going out and get drunk. This time Barbara wouldn't fight with me. I would try to pick the fights with her, and she wouldn't fight. She seemed to not pay much attention to my drinking, and it finally caused me to have to begin to look at myself and begin to see why I was drinking the way I did and began to see why I couldn't stop drinking. And one day Barbara said to me after two or three months of this, she said, Charlie, I've got a friend in Al-Anon, my sponsor and her name's Wanda. She said, Wanda's husband is named Floyd and he's a member of AA. She said would you be willing to talk to Floyd if he came over here to the house and talked to you about AA and alcoholism? Well I didn't want to talk to Floyd. I didn'T want to Talk to anybody about AA and I certainly didn't want to talk to anybody about alcoholism. But in order to keep a little peace in the family and things were going fairly smooth, even though I was drunk most of the time, I agreed to do that. And Barbara and Floyd came to our house and, I mean, Wanda and Floyd came to my house and Wanda got in the car and left. And Floyd and I sat down in my kitchen. And Floyd did for me what nobody else had ever been able to do before. This is what we call the fellowship of the Spirit. Floyd sat down with me and he didn't talk to me about my drinking. Everybody else had talked to me about my drinkin'. Barbara had, the banker had, my brother had, the sheriff had. Floyd didn't want to talk about my drinkin', he said, Charlie, let me tell you about my drinkin' and Floyd proceeded to tell me his story and he talked about the many, many times that he stopped by the bar just to have a beer or two on the way home. And then he's going to go home and have dinner with his wife and his kids. And he said, something would happen to me and I would be unable to stop drinking. And instead of getting up and going home after a couple of beers, he said I may not get home until midnight that night or the next night or the next week. And I said, my God Floyd, that's what's been happening to me. He said, Charlie, in AA they've told me that people like you and I have a physical allergy to alcohol. And any time we take a drink, it'll trigger that allergy. A craving will develop and we'll be unable to stop drinking. He said, We're powerless to safely drink alcohol any longer. And he said, Charlie, that's only part of my problem. He said Man, I've got a tremendous amount of willpower. And he says I've sworn off drinking I don't know how many times really intending to never take another drink. But he said, then three hours later or a day later, I find myself in a bar wondering how in the hell did I get here this time? I said, Floyd, that's what's been happening to me. He said, Charlie, those same people told me that you and I have an obsession of the mind and because of that obsession ofthe mind we're unable to see the truth about alcohol. And he said it doesn't make any difference how much willpower we've got. From time to time in thinking about what alcohol does for us Our mind's going to tell us it's okay to drink, and we'll take a drink knowing it's going to be all right. And he said, then we'll trigger the allergy and we end up drunk. He said, we're powerless to not drink, and we're powerless to safely drink. And he said, because of that, we have a hopeless condition of the body and mind known as alcoholism. And Floyd, for the first time, sit down with me, one alcoholic sharing with another. As the big book says, when Bill visited with Dr. Bob, they learned that night the value of one alcoholic sharing with another as no non-alcoholic could. And Floyd, let me see what my problem was. Always before I thought it was willpower. Always before I thought it was moral character. Always before I thought it was sin. For the first time somebody said man you're sick you've got a problem with alcohol and he convinced me of what it was. He said would you like to go with me to a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous? and I didn't really want to go to a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous either but I said yeah Floyd I guess I'll go and Floyd came by and picked me up on a Friday evening and we went to a meet in a little town called Siloam Springs Arkansas now in Siloams Springs Arkansas there's an AA group there called the Borderline Group they've got a little sign on the door as you go in it doesn't say AA it says Borderline group now I just knew that this was a special meeting for people like me. I knew I was not an alcoholic, but I might be a borderline case. You know, I was in AA for three years before I figured out they call it the borderline group because it's on the border between Oklahoma and Arkansas. We don't have much ego, do we? I walked to that meeting and I was absolutely amazed when I walked in there. I don't really know what I expected to see. I think I expected to see a bunch of older guys sitting around, all dirty and unshaven. I think I expected to see a bunch of older women all broken down, no makeup on, hairdo in disarray. I think I expected them all be talking about and bemoaning the fact that life would never be worth a damn again because they would never be able to take another drink of alcohol. And I was amazed when I walked in there. Hell, they were all cleaned up. They all looked good. They were all smiling. They were all happy, and the thing that really amazed me more than anything else, there's probably 20-25 people in that room that night, and every one of them came to me and shook my hand. They said, hello Charlie, how are you? They said man we're glad to see you. It's been a long long time since anybody had been glad to see me and they made me feel good they made me feel comfortable and one of them said to me he said charlie he said have you been having a little trouble with alcohol and i said well yes i have i guess that's the reason i'm here and i need to find out what to do about that and they proceeded to tell me you know one of these guys said charlie we think you need to go to four or five or six a meetings a week they said for new members old members too but they said especially for new members. You need to be with people of your kind all you can possibly. You need to go to four or five meetings a week if you want to stay sober. Another one handed me this book and he said Charlie this is the big book Alcoholics Anonymous and he says if you'll take it and read it and study it and do what it says you'll be able to live without drinking if you if you won't do and there was another one there and I see him at every AA meeting. He's an old bald-headed pooch. You always see him and he smiled at me and he said, son, I remember I'm only in my 30s then. I'm a lot younger than I am now. He said, son, if you really want to stay sober, sooner or later, you'll have to make a decision and turn your will and your life over the care of God as you understand Him, if you don't want to drink. And I looked at these beautiful people and I said, you people don't understand me. I said I like you. You've made me feel comfortable. And you make a reasonably good cup of coffee. But I said, what you don't understand about me is I can't go to four or five or six day meetings a week. I said man, I've got a farm up here and I raise 45,000 broiler chickens and I've Got a 20 sow hog operation over here and I' ve got a 500 hog feeder operation over Here and I have got 100 cattle feeder operation over here and I've got a red-headed wife and four kids and two bird dogs. And I said, there ain't no way I can go to four or five or six meetings a week. I've gotta stay home and get my rest. I looked at the big book Alcoholics Anonymous and I went to where they always told us to go in those days to chapter 5. And, I read how it works and I read the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, and I almost vomited. First step said we admitted we were powerless over alcohol. Our lives to become unmanageable. I'd never admitted I was powerless over anything in my life, alcohol or anything else, much less an unmanegeable life. Look at all the things that I've got here. How can you tell me my life's unmanangeable? I looked at step two and it said came to believe that a power greater than ourself could restore us to sanity. I said man don't tell me I'm crazy. Sure I do some stupid things when I'm drunk but when I'M sober I'M much like other people. Look AT everything that I've accumulated, how can I be insane? Well, if you're not powerless and you're not nuts, then you don't need to be worrying about making a decision to turn your will and your life over to care of something you don' t understand in the first place. And I said, don't, I looked at old bald-headed Putin, I said don't you tell me about God. I said I already know about God, you see I was raised in a good old Southern Baptist church, and that good old southern Baptist church I'd heard about God now I assume in that good ol' Southern Baptist Church once in a while they probably talked about a kind and a loving God but if they ever did the message never got to the pew that I sat in because all I'd ever heard about God was hell fire and brimstone going to hell for lying cheating stealing drinking whiskey and committing adultery and I've been doing that now for about 26 years from the time I took that first drink and I knew that God had already told Saint Peter when that little four-eyed sucker gets up here send him downstairs we'll not need his kind I said don't tell me about God i said i'm sorry i can't do these things you're telling me to do but i said tell you what i'm going to do i'm going to come to your meetings down here in salomon springs arkansas every friday night and i'm not going to miss a meeting and i'M GOING TO WORK THIS PROGRAM THE WAY I WANT TO AND I'M GOINNA STAY SOBER AND IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME YOU WATCH ME I'M GETTING READY TO DO THAT THANK GOD FOR THE FELLOWSHIP OF ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS ANY OTHER FELLowship IN A WORLD WOULD have taken an arrogant little S.O.B. like me, picked him up by the seat of his britches and thrown him right out the door. You know what they did? They all reared back and smiled and said keep coming back. Didn't make any sense at all that they would say that but they did and I kept coming back and I went to their meetings every Friday night and I didn't miss a meeting and as time went by I got sicker and I got sinker and you see I had removed from myself again And the only thing that had ever made me feel good, I had replaced it with nothing to make me feel better. I was going to the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous, but I was doing nothing about my alcoholism. And as time went by and I got sicker and sicker and I felt worse and worse and I heard these people talking about having a slip and one day I decided it's time for me to have one of them and I took a drink of whiskey and I triggered the allergy and I couldn't stop drinking. Now in those days when I drank, I had to drink and I just couldn't drink anymore. and when I'd get down so sick that I couldn't drink anymore some way I would get to the liquor store and with my daily ration of vodka I would go back home and slowly slowly I would taper off the vodka and get on the beer that took about 10 days to do that and then slowly slowly after another 10 days I could taper off the beer and I could sober up and about 3 weeks of sobering up and tapering off and I finally got and I did the only thing I've ever done that's right I went right back to the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous I walked in the door at Siloam Springs. There they all stood with their hands sticking out. They said, hello, Charlie, how are you? They said man, we're glad to see you back. You been having a little trouble with alcohol? I said yes, I have. I guess the reason I'm here is to find out what to do about it and they proceeded to tell me. One of them said we believe you need to go to four or five or six AA meetings a week. One of him said if you'll take this big book Alcoholics Anonymous and do what it says, you'll be okay. and the old bald headed pootie smiled and he said son sooner or later if you'll make a decision turn your will and your life over to the care of God as you understand him you'll be alright and I told these people again I said I can't do these things there's no way that I can possibly do these thing but I tell you what I'm going to do I'm gonna come to your meetings every Friday night and I'm not gonna miss a meeting and I wanna work this program the way I want to and I want it to be and I don't wanna stay sober and if you don't believe me you watch me I'm getting ready to do it and they all reared back and smiled and said keep coming back and i kept coming back to the meetings i met every friday night i didn't miss a meeting and as time went by i got sicker and sicker now the first time i made 90 days this time i passed the 90 days but as the time went by and i got sicker and sick i couldn't get along with barbara i couldn' t get along with my kids couldn't get along with my bird dogs couldn't get along with eight people couldn't get along with my cattle and i wanted to feel better and i didn' t know how to feel better the only way i knew it was take a drink and at at the end of six months period, I took a drink of booze. Triggered the allergy and couldn't stop drinking. Got sicker and sicker that drunk lasted three, four, five, six, seven weeks. I don't know how long. Finally, I got so sick, I couldn't drink anymore. I went to the liquor store, got some beer to go with my vodka. Finally tapered off the vodka, got on the beer, tapered out the beer. And I did the only thing I've ever done right. I went right back to the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. There they all stood. They said, hello, Charlie, how are you? They said man, we're glad to see you back. You've didn't have no trouble with alcohol. I said, yes, I have. I guess they're either here to find out what to do about it, and they proceeded to tell me. One of them said, by God, you need to go to four or five or six AA meetings a week. Another one said, take this damn book and do what it says and you'll be all right. The old bald-headed pootie said, boy, I'm getting tired of telling you this, but sooner or later, you're going to have to make a decision. And again, I said to these people, I'm sorry. I simply could not do what you're telling me to do. And today I know why I couldn't. As I look back at that time now, you see, I hadn't been defeated yet. I could stop drinking on my own. Now if I could start drinking on myself, I wouldn't be on my old and how in the world could I be 100% powerless over alcohol? And if you're not a hundred percent powerless, how could your life be unmanageable? And I could stopped drinking on my own so i hadn't been defeated and my book tells me that the only people that care for this program are those who have been absolutely completely defeated by alcohol but i said tell you what i'm gonna do i'm going to go to your meetings every friday night and i'm not going to miss one of them and i want to work this thing the way i want too and i're going to stay sober and if you don't believe me you watch beyond getting ready to do it they all read back smiles they'd keep coming back and i kept going to meetings every Friday night and as time went by i got sicker and sicker and sick. I went by the 90 days, I went by the six months and now that I'm getting to approach nine months. Now let me tell you something trying to be a member of Alcoholics Anonymous trying to stay sober and wanting to drink at the same time is absolute living hell. There's no hell like that to try to be an member of this organization and wanting to drink desperately every day. And as time went by, I was finally, finally, finally faced with a decision. I said, Charlie, one of three things are going to happen to you. You're either going to get drunk or you're going to have to give up and work this program or you'll have to blow your brains out, one of the three. Because life had become absolutely unbearable. Could no longer drink and could no longer live without drinking. and I very, very seriously considered all three of them. Finally, I decided it looked to me like the easier, softer way would be to take a drink and I took a drink and I triggered the allergy and I couldn't stop drinking and as time went by and I got drunker and drunker and I finally reached a point where I couldnít drink anymore and I went to the liquor store and got my beer to go with my vodka and the only difference is this time the beer did nothing. The beer was just like drinking water and I'd drink that vodka and I would pass out and I wake up an hour or two or three or four later shaking and sweating and trembling swearing I'm not going to take another drink I just can't drink anymore but being so sick I couldn't get up without having a drink and I have to take a drink of vodka and pass out and wake up and drink vodka and passout and wakeup and the days begin to stretch into the weeks and I got to where I couldn' eat got to were I couldn''t sleep got to wher'e I couldn ''t drink coffee got to where I couldn't smoke cigarettes all I could do is drink vodka and pass out and Barbara and the kids had moved me out of the bedroom by this time into an old cot on a utility room in the utility room and I remember one day Barbara stuck her head in the door she said Charlie you're sick aren't you I said yeah I am she said have you got anything to drink and I said no I don't I'm out she said I'll be back an hour or two later she came back with a brown paper sack and I don't know what number she puts on it, but to me there was 12 pint bottles of vodka in that sack. All different flavors. Lemon and orange and strawberry and God only knows what else. And for years and years I thought she did that out of the goodness of her heart. Today I realize that in Al-Anon she had learned to let him drink all he wants to. The more he drinks, the faster he drinks. The sooner he's going to reach bottom. One or two things will happen. He'll either reach bottom and stop drinking or he'll die, and in either case her problem would be over with. She helped me reach bottom. I woke up in there one morning and I wokeup knowing that I was dying from alcoholism. And I turned to Barbara and I was 40 years old and I could never remember before in my lifetime asking another human being for help. I don't ever remember doing that. And I said, Barbara, I've got to have help. I can't stop drinking. And that's all she was waiting on. She got to the phone and she called my friend Floyd. And Floyd and a fellow named Buss come over to the house and Buss was a big old rough tough telephone line repairman and wonderful A-member. They looked in the door of the utility room and Bust turned to Floyd and he said, man, we can't sober this guy up. That's what we did in those days. We sobered each other up in our homes. you get hard to get in a hospital and Floyd said well I know a doctor that will take him if he'll go and Floyd turned to me and he said Charlie let's get you cleaned up and let's go to the hospital and let'S get you some help and I said no boys I don't believe I'm that bad laughter I said I believe I can do this my way and thank God for the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous bus turned to Floyd and he said, let's go home. He said, there's nothing we can do for him. And he said, until he's ready, there is not a thing we can new to help him. Let's leave. And they left. But as they left, Floyd stuck his head back in the door of the utility room. He said, Charlie, when you need me, call me. And an hour or two or three later, I don't know how long, I knew I couldn't make it by myself. And somehow I managed to get to the phone, and I called Floyd. And just a matter of minutes, he pulled up in my front yard. Now, I'm sitting on the front porch now, and i've got a half a can of this beer left trying to get well enough to go to the hospital. And Floyd got out of his pickup truck, and he said, bring your beer, and you can drink it on the way to the Hospital. And I said, no Floyd, I am through. I said I've had all I can stand. I can't drink anymore. And we left my house that day with a half a can of beer sitting on my front porch. In 26 years of drinking, I don't ever remember walking away from a drink of anything that had alcohol in it. We went to the hospital and they gave me the proper medication to ward off the convulsions and the DTs and etc. I don' t know what took place in that hospital. I know there was a lot of shouting going on, a lot o f screaming going on. I didn' t see any pink elephants in there but I saw a white horse this old white horse would come in my room and visit with me sit down in a chair in the corner and if he had his glasses on he would talk to me but if he took his glasses off just forget it he wouldn't say a word with i remember remembering just as clear i woke up in there two or three days later and i had bruises on my my wrist and my ankles where i'd been tied to the bed and and i noticed the nurses when they came down the hall they would look in the room they wouldn't come in. They didn't want any part of me either and I woke up in there in a place I've never been before, not in my body but in my mind. I woke up in a space of absolute complete defeat. You know I have no trouble identifying with Bill Wilson in the big book when he said no words can tell of the loneliness and despair that I found in that bitter morass of self-pity. Quicksand stretched around me in all directions I'd met my match I'd been overwhelmed alcohol was my master and I didn't know what to do about it I knew if I left the hospital I was going to drink and I knew if I drank again I would die just as sure as anything and I sat there laid there in that bed trying to figure out what should I do and this is the day I gave up on self-will because I remembered what another old fellow that I had said. He said, if you're ever in complete desperation, don't know what to do about a situation, try a little prayer and see what happens. And I was in that bed looking straight up at the ceiling and I said, do you dare pray? And my mind said, no, you don't pray. Only weak people pray. The Charlie Strong people like you that stand on their own two feet, they don't prey to nothing. My mind said well what are you going to do if you don' t? my mind said well what good would it do he's god's not going to have anything to do with you anyhow because of what you've been in the past my mind says well what would it hurt to try that there's not another soul in this room but you and if you tried it and it didn't work nobody else would know about it anyhow and i looked straight at the ceiling and i uttered a prayer this is false as anything i said god if there is a kind and loving god if if there is a kind and a loving God, can you remove from me the obsession to drink? Now I don't really know what happened. I wasn't like Bill Wilson this time. I didn't feel as if the great clean wind of the mountaintop blew through and through. I didn' t see any lights flash and I didn''t hear any bells ring but the instant I uttered the prayer I knew I never had to take another drink as long as I lived if I didn ''t want to. Now, I didn't know for sure what I was going to do, but I knew I didn' t have to drink anymore. And I got up and I left that hospital and I did the only thing I've ever done right. I went right back to an AA meeting Friday night, Solomon Springs. There they all stood. They had their hands sticking out and they said, Hello, Charlie, how are you? They said, Man, we're glad to see you back. You've been having a little trouble with alcohol. I said, Well, yes, I have. But this time I didn''t ask them what to do about it and they didn'''t tell me. I started going to four, five, or six AA meetings a week. I picked up the big book Alcoholics Anonymous and I began to read it from the front of the book, not in chapter 5, but from the front ofthe book. I beganto ask this God that I did not understand then and I still don't understand him today. I begano ask him each morning, please God, one more day of sobriety. I begane to thank him each night when I went to bed for that day of sobriety and you know slowly slowly slowly over the years those days have added up to that 10,300 days of sobriery and as I look back at it now I over the year as I've tried to really see what took place there and I remember reading in the book where there was a doctor named Dr. Yoon that said to a fellow named Roland Hazard, here and now once in a while I've seen people like you have vital spiritual experiences. And he said, I don't understand them. To me they are phenomenal. He said it seems as though the old ideas, the old attitudes and the old emotions which were once the driving forces of the lives of these men are cast to one side and replaced with a new set of ideas, a new set of emotions, a new set of driving forces. And these people are able to recover from alcoholism. And he said here and there once in a while I've seen that happen. Now we know that our book tells us that for people like us if we are to recover from alcoholismo not just stay sober now believe me staying sober is important but staying sober is not the name of the game recovering from alcoholism is the nameof the game anybody can stay sober any idiot can get sober all you got to do is slap the hell out of a policeman and you're going to get sober in a hurry the key to this thing is not only get sober but stay sober and be happy about that sobriety and with old ideas old emotions and old attitudes even though I was a member of the fellowship I was not a happy person but through our program we find a way to change those ideas attitudes and emotions and not only can we be sober but we can be happy about it at the same time in all my life I've read things about the three dimensions of living and I never really understood anything about the 3 dimensions of living until after I came to Alcoholics Anonymous and began to work our program. Today, I am absolutely convinced that God dwells within each of us. My book tells me that He does. And if God dwellS in each of US, that means we have to live with God whether we like to or not. That's beside the point. The only question is do we live in harmony with God or disharmony? I don't know of any group of people in the world that ever got in more disharminy with God than we alcoholics did, especially me. My book tells me that I have a mind. Sometimes I act like I don't, but I do. And I've got to live with my mind whether I like it or not. And the only question is, do I live here in my mind in harmony or disharmony? I don' t know of anybody in the world that got in more disharminy in their minds than we alcoholic's have, especially made. We also have what we call a physical dimension of life and for years and years I thought that was my body only. Today I realize the physical dimension is the world and everything in it. And we alcoholics have no other place to live except here on earth, whether we like it or not beside the point. The only question is do we live here in harmony or disharmony? I don't know of any group of people that ever got in more disharminy with the world than everybody anything we alcoholics have now my book tells me our program is a design for living that really works and as i look at our simple 12-step program today i really believe that it's designed to put people like us together back in the three dimensions of life as god intended for us to live in the first place because of my powerless notes over alcohol i could see where i've become completely insane when it comes to alcohol and i could see where i needed a power greater than i am to restore me to sanity and in step three i made a decision to go after that power and i think through steps one two and three i got right with god that's the first time in my life as far back as i can remember that god's going to be the director that he's the boss and i'm the employee he's the father and i'm the child i got right with god i've always heard that he's an inside job we start in the center with the spirit in one two and three and i got right in the spiritual dimension with god that removed just enough self-will to let me look in my head and through my inventory and looking at my resentments and my fears and my wrongs done to others i could see the type of character defects that i had developed in my years of living as a practicing alcoholic, and I could see that if I didn't do something about changing that old selfish, dishonest, self-seeking, frightened, inconsiderate human being that I had become, there's no chance I'm ever going to have any peace of mind. And I could say those things through step four and five. In steps six and seven, I began to work on those defects of character and I beganto get right in my head in four, five, six, and seven. I got right in the mental dimension through those steps that removed enough self-will then to let me look at the world and the people in it and i found that the guilt and the remorse associated with the things i've done in the past was absolutely eating me up and if i wanted peace of mind i had to do something about that and thank god that's what steps eight and nine are for and in steps eight nine i got right in the physical dimension you see the reason our program works is it puts us back together spiritually, mentally, and physically as God intended for us to be in the first place. And we become well in all three of those areas. And I don't think it's by accident that right after step nine you have the promises. They come as the result of the work that we've accomplished through those first nine steps. And one day in reading those promises, I realized, hey, these promises, that's the way I used to feel when I drank alcohol. That's the way I felt that night I walked up those stairs into that old barn dance. I suddenly realized that the first nine steps of Alcoholics Anonymous was doing for me the same thing that alcohol used to do for me when it was my friend. And then one day I realized not only is it doing for us what alcohol used for me when it's my friend, but the first 9 steps have never turned against me as alcohol did. I've never been placed in jail because of the first 5 steps. I've never had the hell beat out of me because of the first nine steps. Barbara has never drugged me through a divorce court because of The First Nine Steps. You see, that's the miracle of Alcoholics Anonymous. If I didn't find these feelings somewhere, I know exactly what I would do. I would go right back to alcohol and try to find them again. But I have found them through The First Ninth Steps Now, if you've experienced those things through TheFirstNineSteps and you get all the good that you used to get from alcohol, well, what's the purpose of the last three? Now a lot of people will say, well, the last 3 steps are maintenance steps. Now I'll agree that the last 3 steps will most certainly help us stay sober. But the word maintenance itself is a misnomer. Because you see there's a natural law that applies that says nothing maintenance means to stay as is and there's natural law that says nothing ever stays as is. Everything in our universe is in a constant state of change. If I tried to receive the promises and stop there and maintain, after a while I start slipping back and I start having trouble with people. And that backs up and gives me problems in my head. That backs up, cuts me off from God, and I end up drunk. You know, if we use the last three steps the way the book says, Bill talks twice in here, once in his story and once in chapter 2 about a fourth dimension of existence that they never dreamed of. And if we use these last three steps the way the book says, we're going to continue our spiritual growth. We're goingto continue to develop a better relationship with God, with ourselves, and with a fellow human being. You know, step 10 says continue to take personal inventory when we're wrong, promptly admitted it. And if you look at that, read it off the wall, it looks like all you've got to do is see if you're wrong and if so, admit it and you've done 10. And somewhere we got the idea you don't do that till you go to bed at night well hell i don't get in trouble in bed anymore i don' t need that now i need a walking around steps if you do it the way the book says the book says we continue to watch for selfishness dishonesty resentment and fear that's step four it says when these crop up we discuss them with someone immediately that's step five we ask god to take them away that's six and seven and then we make amends that's eight and nine if you do ten the way the book says you work four five six seven eight and nine every day for the rest of your life not defy anybody in this room to work steps four five six 7 8 & 9 every day the rest your life and stay the way you are you absolutely cannot do that your relationship with yourself and God and you fell a man gets better and better and better step 11 says we sought to improve not to maintain to improve our conscious contact with god if we work 11 the way the book says to do it we will improve our conscious contact with god we will intuitively know how to handle those situations that were used to baffle us life becomes so much easier so much simpler my god i think the greatest growth that i've had in a.a has come through step 12 now step 12 gives me the greatest promise of any step having had a spiritual awakening is the result of these steps. Not a result, not some result, as the result of these steps, it's promised that if I will apply the first eleven, I will have a spiritual awakening. What is a spiritual awakening? Well Bill tells us in the twelve and twelve there's many kinds of spiritual awakenings there are people in AA but they've all got certain things in common. That is we're able to feel, believe, and do things we could never do before on our own strength unaided. My God, I feel things I've never felt before. I feel love, patience, tolerance, compassion, and goodwill toward my fellow man. Before AA, I could have cared less about you. Oh yeah, you could have some, but I always got mine first. You always came last. I don't feel that way anymore. I believe things I've never believed before.I believe God is a kind and a loving God. I Believe he stands ready to help any human being anywhere in the world, the instant they're ready to give up on self and turn to Him. Always before I thought He was hellfire and damnation, I thought he was a God of justice. No, he's pure love, pure mercy. If he was the God of injustice, I wouldn't be here this morning and some of you wouldn't do it either. I've changed my views there. I can do things I've never done before. By golly, I can stay sober and because of the fact that I'm sober, I'm able to do many, many, many, many things I never could do before. Also in step 12, I'm charged with a certain responsibility. You know, there's an old saying that there are no free rides. You always have to pay whatever you receive. And we can't have this for nothing. You heard Phil say it or Chris say it last night. Now this is a program of action. And if we want to keep what we receive through this thing, then we charge with the responsibility of carrying this message to other alcoholics. I think we get confused today about what our message is. My God, I go to AA meetings today and sometimes I sit around in a meeting and if they didn't read the preamble before the meeting, you wouldn't know you were in an AA meeting. Christ, they talk about everything except alcoholism and recovery therefrom. But we've got a simple little message in AA and it goes something like this. If you're all screwed up in your life and you're not feeling good, if you've been doing a little drinking or you've even been thinking about doing a little drinking we know exactly where you're coming from because that's where we came from too and we came to AA and we picked up the big book Alcoholics Anonymous and we worked the first eleven steps and we've had a spiritual awakening and we're not that way anymore and if you don't want to be that way anymore then you do what we did and you won't be that way anymore either and let us take you by the hand and let us walk with you as you work these steps and you'll have your spiritual awakening and then you can carry it to the next alcoholic sometimes i look back at the history of aa and i'm absolutely amazed by this thing as i see our history and see how our fellowship and our program develop I'm convinced in my mind today that God got tired of seeing people like us die God's always worked with people through people and I'm confessed today that God took Bill and Bob and Eddie Thatcher and Roland Hazard and Dr. Jung and self worth and all the rest of them and put this thing together so you and I could have it today now if that's true and God picked people then all those people are gone they're all dead and if that's true then surely he's still picking people today you know there's not an alcoholic in this room this morning it ought to be here every one of us ought to be dead some of us two or three times and we used to say my wasn't we lucky last night no I don't think luck had anything to do with it I think God picked you out I think he's let you suffer your alcoholism so you would learn what he wants you to learn and when he got ready to use you he removed the obsession to drink they tell me that 97 out of 100 alcoholics are going to die from alcoholism not even knowing they're alcoholic 3% of us stumble into AA less than half of us are recovering so we're talking about 1 out of a hundred I used to say God why am I an alcoholic today I said God why am I not one of those dying from alcohol you know you and I have a job to do and if we do our job then i think aa will be here in the future for the people that's going to come after us now the final thing i have to do in my program is to do the hardest of all of it the last part of step 12 and let's try to practice these principles in all my affairs and what are these principles i gotta hear arguments all over a about the principle of one is this the principle or two no and how it works bill says no one among us have been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles the principles we set down are guides to progress what did he set down just before that statement the 12 steps of alcoholics anonymous in front of the 12 and 12 he says the 12 tips of alcoholic synonymous are a set of principles spiritual in nature Bill didn't want to use the word steps twice in step 12, so he used the word principles. They are the steps. Now it's easy for me to practice the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous NAA. My God, I love you and I hope you love me and we're going to do our best not to hurt each other. But what do I do out there? See, I'm only NAA maybe an hour a day or two hours a day. What do I have to do the other 22 or 23 hours? do i practice these principles in my home with my spouse can i realize how powerless i really am over that lady can i utilize the insanity of trying to control her knowing full well that i can't can i make a decision turn her will and her life over to care of god as i understand him can i inventory me and find those character defects within me that keep me trying to do that controlling, can I discuss that with another human being? Can I ask God to take those away? Can I make amends to her quickly when I've harmed her? There's times I'm ashamed of me. There's time I treat absolute strangers on the street with more courtesy than I treat my own wife in my own home. Just think if I could practice these steps there with her and she with me, we might pick up 10, 12, 14 hours a day where we could be happy, peaceful, and free in our home. If we don't do that, we don' t stand a chance. We' re at each other's throat continually. Can I do it with my children? If I can, what little time I have with them is good times. Otherwise, I control, they resist, we have no good times and I'm not going to do it on the job. Hell, I might pick up eight hours a day on the Job being peaceful, happy and free. I think you and I are the luckiest people in the world. Most people do not have the tools to live by that we have. My old sponsor used to say to me, Charlie, you can be just as happy as you want to be. And I'd say, you old fart. You have no idea what you're talking about. Today I hear myself saying you can do this and you can become you can just as happy as you want to become. You've got the tools to do it with. Now make no mistake about this. God's not going to do this for you. Other people are not going to do that for you but you with God's help and the help of other people can do it for yourself. I just don't know anybody that has the opportunity to live the kind of life that we have to live today if we'll practice these principles in all our affairs. Now, that's the only message that Alcoholics Anonymous has got. Don't kid yourself. We're not healers. We're nicht marital advisors. We're niet spiritual advisors. But by golly, we know about alcoholism. We know more about it than anybody alive. We know how to recover from it. We're the only people that's ever done it. And you and I, with God's help, can avert death in countless thousands of alcoholics if we keep our message pure. But we're going to have to keep it pure because if we don't, it'll change. And if it changes, it will get to where it will be of no use to anybody whatsoever. One of my great things in AA today is singleness of purpose, alcoholism only, recovery from alcoholism through the program in the big book Alcoholics Anonymous. Now I ask you a question. Do you think I love the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous? You know I do. Do you think I love The Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous with all my heart? You know I do Do you think I love my God as I understand him with all my heart and all my soul? You know I do do you think I'm an AA fundamentalist you better bet I am I hope I stay that way for the rest of my life thank you all for letting me be here today