The 12 Steps Are Growing Steps – John A.

My name is John Anderson and I'm an alcoholic and I won't untie this tie my neck is tight it's choking me to death and I am not here to win no beauty contest I'm just here to share my experience, my strength, and my hope. My sobriety day is July the 4th 1980 And a lot of people asked me, John you mean you quit drinking on July the 4th? I said I didn't have no choice they locked me up. But that was the best thing that would happen to me. I thank God I went to jail for the first time in my life I thank god I went to jail because I wouldn't have been here to have this, to be with all you great wonderful people this weekend. I'd probably be dead. I'd be probably dead. So everything happened for a reason and if you get locked up, hey, maybe God is telling you something to take you off the street, keep from getting killed or whatever. So I thank God I got locked up. I want to thank the committee and my good friend Stan, whoever was responsible for me coming here to share my experience, strength and hope and it really means a lot to me, It really makes me feel good, and Stan, you've done a great job. You know, Stan's been communicating with us back and forth. Great job, great job, thank you for your friendship and your love. You know he called me, and are you okay? And yeah I'm okay Stan, I'm still coming. And this morning I went out and went over to the shopping center just walking around. I had a little allergy problem, I came back and laid down for a minute, my phone rang, ring. You okay? So Stan, you've done a great job. Thank you so much. Thank all of you. It's been a great weekend. Thank Allie for the love and the fellowship you've shown me. Without love, we have nothing. A great man once said, although I have the gifts of prophecy, and although I can understand all mystery, and all though I have so much faith, I can move mountains, and I may have five Mercedes Mercedes Benz in my yard, and I may be living in a $5 million home, but if I don't have love, I have nothing. What other program have the love that we have in the program I call synonymous? Don't say church. If you don't say church, and we have a lot of preachers and thinkers here tonight, but you think church call one old deacon at 4 o'clock in the morning and tell him you think about a drink see what happens hey deacon I'm thinking about a drink I need to talk to you and it's not because they don't love us they just don't understand us and I tell you I've been to a lot of conventions but I've never seen as many deacons and preachers like I've seen at this convention you know I was afraid to say shit when the preacher came I walked over to the shopping center and saw a woman with a short dress. I looked around and made sure there was no preacher digging my house, so I looked at her. Thank God for the preacher that is Dickens. This preacher had to preach his initial sermon one time, and he was nervous like I am right now. I'm nervous too. You know, all y'all look at me. And he had to teach his initial sermons. And he said, man, I got to preach in the morning. What am I going to do? And this guy said, Reverend, what you need to do is go buy your pint of vodka and drink about half of that pint before you go up in the pulpit. Take that vodka with you, and every time you get a little nervous, take a swig of that vodka, and you'll be all right. And the preacher got up in a pulpit, man, and he started preaching. He had drank about half of it. He was really going. And all of a sudden that box started wearing off of him. He said, man I gotta take another drink and now I'm gonna do it. You know everybody looking at me like y'all are looking at to me, you know. And he was preaching and he said, look way over yonder. And everybody turned around and looked and he reached down and said, take another one. And he would keep preaching, man. He was feeling good. And he kept on going and all of the sudden he got a little nervous. He said, I said, look way over y'all. And then God turned down and reached out to take a little drink. This time the deacon saw him. Deacon knows everything. Deacon know who messed with who wife, who's stealing the money, who's doing this, who doing that. I know because I'm a deacon. I know everything. And the deacons, while he was running around, the deacs got to vodka and drank it all up, put the bottle back down. all of a sudden the preacher started getting nervous again he came back and he wanted to take another drink he said I said look way over yonder everybody looked around the restaurant to get vodka and it was gone and can you imagine how he felt man he was furious he was mad done drank his vodka and he said who got it everybody looked at him like y'all looked at me and some old lady back out Madonna so she thought he was talking about who got your religion and she She said, Reverend, I got it. I got It. I got IT. And he said, how long have you had it? And she said, I've had it a long time. And he say, you just lied because I just had it here a few minutes ago. Just had it her a few minute ago. And I can talk about deacons because I am a deacon. But now it's time to laugh. And now it is time to cry. And now is time the play. and that it's time to be serious. And I'm not going to tell any more jokes. I didn't come to Chicago tonight to tell a lot of jokes. I came to Chicago to share my strength, my strength and my hope with you people. I've had a lot experience with alcohol. I've drank it. I know how to drink alcohol. Nobody can tell me how to to drink alcohol. Please don't tell me how to drink alcohol! I know how to drink alcoholic. And what, you know, what little strength I have, I would share with each and every one of you. And I hope and I pray that I said something here tonight may help you. Before I make any talk, I was telling Stan tonight, before I make any talk I pray to my high pal who is God and I ask him to speak through me. And sometimes y'all, I know y'alls made some talk sometime, be driving home, you say said, why'd I say that? You know, what'd I say that for? And that's God speaking through you. Because God knows what y'all need to hear. He knows more about what I do. So ask God to speak to me and I hope and pray that I said something to help somebody and you can take somebody back home with you. That's God speaking through me. The big book said tell a little bit what we're like, what happened, and how it's like now. And I try to do that. I try to deal with the The big book said, I'm not going to talk on the 12 steps. I'm going to share what it used to be like, what happened, what it's like now. Now, I don't know if I was born an alcoholic or if I drank myself into alcoholism. I don' t know and I don''t care. It really doesn' t matter. You know, there are so many people, oh, I think I was a born alcoholic. Oh, I drink myself into it. What difference does it make? You're an alcoholic, you know. Thank God you know what you are. There are a lot of people out there that are sick and don't do it. we are sick and know we're sick. I would tell the rebels, you know, people at church sometimes say, Lord, we're going to take them to AA. They're sick and don't know it. You know what's happening to them? They're getting sicker and sicker. We know what is wrong with us. Thank God we know and we can come to these meetings and we get better. We can get a little bit better. I didn't want to be an alcoholic. I don't think anybody wanted to be an alcoholic . I never heard anybody got up and said, you now what? I just want to be an alcoholic I don't wait the president no come I just want to be a drunk no nobody walked through those doors say hey I just won't be a member this organization you probably get him out of here nuts take the instinct salad but I thank God I'm an alcoholic tonight and I used to have people get up there and said my name's so-and-so and I was grateful for covering alcoholic and I'll be sitting back there and they'll lie no way anybody can be be grateful to be an alcoholic, but I didn't understand. And now I can say I'm grateful to being an alcoholic. Not grateful for the pain and suffering I put my family through it, my friend, but if I hadn't been an alcoholic I wouldn't have met Stan, I wouldn'a met Ron Jay and some of the great people from Cleveland that I met two years ago when I spoke in Cleveland. I wouldn''t have met all you one of the people that loved me for just who I was. Not for who I used to to be, not who I could be, but I came to AA and you loved me for just who I was, and I wasn't nothing. I wasn' t nothing. If I hadn' t been an alcoholic, I wouldn' t have found the God that I tell you about a little while later that took this out of me to drink away, gave me serenity, gave me peace of mind, and gave me love. The God that gave me loves, I can love another woman and not go to bed with them, and not love another man and not be funny. That's the type of love that God gave me. I wouldn't have been an alcoholic. I wouldn' have found a program that teaches me how to live sober one day at a time. I don't have no drinking problems at night. I haven't had a drink in almost 24 years. I got a thinking problem. I got living problem. I don' t have a drinking problem, but God took that away, so thank God that I'm an alcoholic, and thank God I know what I am. I think this is the greatest program that God ever put on the face of the earth, and I believe it is a God sent program doesn't mean it's right doesn't means it's wrong and everything I say tonight is my opinion I don't think no way two men could have got together like Dr. Bob and Bill W and started this program without God working through them I kind of compare us with the Israelites I know we've got some preachers and deacons here you know the Israelites were in for many many years And they prayed to God to get them out of bondage. And God worked through Moses to get the Israelites out of bondage, and they had to go through some pain and suffering. And God told the Israelites, you know, if you all be my children and I'll be your God, and I'm going to give you 10 commandments, you all abide by the 10 commandments and do what I ask you to do, I'm gonna take you to a land that's filled with milk and honey. And some of them followed God's direction and they made it. And some didn't follow God's directions and they didn't make And I believe God looked down on the alcoholic, and he worked through two men to start a great program of Alcoholics Anonymous. And God told us, you know, I'll be your God, and you all can be my children, and I'm going to give you the Ten Commandments. Then God looked at them and said, no, I can't give them the Ten commandments. No way they can abide by the Ten Commandments. Because I couldn't abide by the Ten commandments when I came in this program because I've committed adultery, I've stole and I did this and I did that. I've done everything except rape and kill and there may be a time when I did that, I was on a blackout and I didn't know anything about it. So what did God give us? The twelve steps. They're growing steps. Anybody can work the steps. Anybody can work the step. And no, he didn't tell us, y'all work the step and y'All do what I ask you to do. I'm going to take you to land filled with milk and honey. He didn't promise us that. But there are some promises on page 83 and 84 that God promised us. And one of them is you're learning new freedom. And you're learn a new happiness. And I can honestly say tonight I have learned a life that I did not know existed on this face of earth. A life that wouldn't trade for nobody. And I mean that from the bottom of my heart. And if I hadn't been an alcoholic, I couldn't say that. Thank God I'm an alcoholic. I took my first drink of alcohol when I was 8 or 9 years old and we stole some whiskey. I would end with this guy who was older than I was and we stowed some whiskey and my mother liked to kill me. My mother beat the devil out of me. Now, I am 61 years old and back in those days they didn't have no child abuse place that you could run to. I tell people why I didn't have a childhood place when my mother was killing me, you know And I cried and I said, Mama, I promise you I'll never in my whole life drink more alcohol I'll Never, Mama. Please don't kill me And if I had to say something about a childhood replace I wouldn't be here tonight because my mother would've killed me But I had all the catch-up risk of an alcoholic early age My mother and father had me, and she went one way, and he went another. And I lived with my grandmother on a farm in Camelville, Kentucky, and I had to cut the back of a hog head, and I did all that farm work. And I see other children, they get out of school, and they go play basketball, and they goes swimming, and then they do this. And I thought if my mother and Father had been together, maybe I could have been like Joel, maybe I would have been Tom, and maybe I'd be like Tim. And all of my life I wanted to be someone else that I wasn't. And I remember as I was coming up, I used to see Bill Cosby on TV, you know, And I would say, why couldn't I be Bill Cosby? God didn't make me to be a Bill Cosbye. He made me to be John Anderson. And when I came in AA, you people said, John, we love you for just being you. You don't have to be no one else. We love you from the beginning. For just being new. And this was one of the places, the first place that I was accepted for just being me. I didn't have a lot of private alcohol at an early age. At 16 years old, I drank some blackberry wine, it almost killed me. I thought it was Kool-Aid and you know head of sack I drank that blackberry and went down smooth tastes like sugar I mean you know tastes like Kool Aid to me sweet and I drink that blackbird wine I drank that Blackbird wine and I almost died off at Blackbird win and I made the same promise to my grandmother that I made to my mother about eight or nine years earlier grandmother I'll never my whole life drinking more alcohol and I meant it and I'm sure some of y'all have made those great promises deep down out inside your heart you minute but you did not know about a Z called alcoholism a disease that's cunning baffling and powerful a disease as patient it waits on you still out there even though I got 23 years of right it's still after if I want to go take a drink it's patient a disease is once you catch you don't have the four choices and I know you've got some treatments under scholars here you know the four charts with insane salad penitential death if you don't recover. And they got a place in Louisville called Central State, that's where they have people out there that call organic brain syndrome. That's the big word. All these were alcohol and other drugs had two rates of brain cells. And some of them would be there for the rest of their lives. I do a lot of work in the correctional facility. Every time I speak in the penitentiary, I ask the question, how many of you were uninfluenced with alcohol or some other type of drug when you committed crime? And just about every every one of them raised their hand. And last but not least, you'll die. About 21 years ago, I sit at McDonald in Louisville, Kentucky and beg a 34-year-old lady, beautiful lady, beautiful on the outside, beautiful inside named Tanya Smith. Tanya, please go in treatment. Please, Tanya. If you don't go in treatments, you're going to die. And Tanya said, John, I can't go into treatment. I just enrolled in Jeff Mews College. I've just had a baby. my boyfriend I was doing better we ever have done John I can't go in treatment right now and six months later Tanya jumped off the i-65 bridge and killed herself 34 years old so there was a 20 or 21 year old child somewhere woke up of Christmas and didn't have no mother to cause her mother happy Christmas because her mother dead because of alcohol that's a fourth choice, and that's recovery. The big book said, rarely have I seen a person fail who had 30 follow-up pass. If you follow the pass to AA, you can stay sober. But you can't follow AA pass halfway in your pass to the other half. It's not going to work. But you can say sober. I played basketball part of two of the greatest basketball player that ever came out of Kentucky, Clem Haskins and Garfield Smith. And I know some of you knew Clem and Garfield. Clem and I played the first sophomore ball together in Camelville, Kentucky. And Clem went to Western then he played with Chicago Bulls for a while. Then he was head coach at Minnesota. Garfield went to Eastern, played with the Boston Celtics and he owned a big record company in Richmond, Kentucky and I went to jail. I went to jail! Didn't go no college, didn't go no pro, I went to jail. I wasn't drunk. But Clem and I, we were good friends, and one day Clem came in to me and said, John, I got this beautiful young lady that I really want to hit on, man. John, please go put a good word in for me. He laughed, but he knows about it. And I went out to put a word in there for Clem, and the more good word I put in there for Clem, the better she looks to me. So I started putting good words for me. And can you believe she chose me over Clem? And Clem just built a million dollar home in Camelville. And I know that woman have laid in bed a million nights and said, Lord, why'd I make that big mistake? Because I put that woman through some pain and some suffering. And we had a child and we got married and we moved to Louisville and I discovered the nightclub. You know, I came from a little country town and it was a dry town. It had bootlegs but it was a drytown. And I moved to Louv and there was a liquor store in every corner and the women in my town, the women wore the long dresses. In Louisville they wore the short dresses. And I thought I was God's gift to the women and I thought God's a gift to universe. And I would go out and I would come in three or four o'clock in the morning with women lipstick and phone numbers in my pocket, you know, and those women don't like that, you know. And my wife would say something to me about it and I had to push her out of the way. You don't tell me what to do. I'm the conductor of this ship, you know. I run this house. And I started doing what I want to do, when I want to do it, not caring who I hurt. And Thetcher said this, what goes around comes around, you know. Whatever you're doing in the dark is going to come out. Even if it's just going to come out. But I started drinking, I started partying, and I started doing what I want to do. And I got a job at GE, and everybody said, no wonder John drinks, he work at GE. Everybody drinks at GE." Everybody didn't drink at GE but it seemed like we fall in with the people who are just like us. That's why now I hang out with the people who were just like me, you know? I don't go to the nightclub. I don�t hang out on the corner. I drive by there, but you know, most of my, most people I drink with or dead, anyway, in St. Sal's Penitentiary, but I don't hang out with those people because my mind is kind of like a computer. What goes and not stays in there until you change it with something else, and you keep hanging around those people doing all the negative thinking, pretty soon you're going to be doing the same thing. So I had to get away from those people, and I continued to drink and I couldn't continue to party. And you all know that alcoholism is progressive. It gets worse and worse and worst. And I continued to drink and seem like around 1970, I crossed an invisible line into what we call a chronic alcoholism. And I believe once you cross that line, you start going down. Ain't no more staying here for even Steven, you started going downhill. And I made 180 return for the worse. And started getting having hybrids and having blackout and getting stabbed and getting shot at. And I got stabbed one night and the doctor said, John, there had been a few more injuries that would have gotten in your lung and it would have killed you. And I kept drinking. I used to wake up in the morning and look at my wife. My wife's eyes be all black and blue. And I said, what happened to you? And she'd call me if you charged. Well, you know what happened with me. You're no good. You beat me up. But see, I can tell y'all and y'alls understand it. I didn't remember it because I was in a blackout. And there are a lot of people in the penitentiary right today that was in a blackout and they didn't remember what was going on. Any of y'all ever wake up in jail and don't know how you got there, you know? And you see one old correction officer and you say, Officer, what am I charged with? He said, Oh John, they got me for public intoxication again. You said, thank God. Thank God I didn't kill somebody. Thank God I did not rape somebody because I didn t know. One day I woke up, my car was towed up and I said, Lord, what did I hit last night? I may have killed somebody. I may die and one day wake up and look at God and God says, don't you remember that time you had a wreck and killed a lady? I don't know. Because I was in the blackout. And I continued to drink and I continued drinking. At 28 years old, I had to worry about a tale. My wife worked at Phillip Morris and I worked at GE and I had a little job service on the side. We had nice home cars, money in mind. We got everything we needed and most of everything we wanted. Ten years later, this same man had a new LTD and that beautiful wife, no beautiful children in that beautiful home, was walking up down the streets of Louisville, shaking, bum it down to the quarter, get a pint of Little Richard. And people said, what happened to you? And all I could say, I was hard-headed. I did it my way. And you all know if you always do what you've always done, you're going to always get what you always got. And some of you guys here two or three days, what happened last drunk, the last drink? Did you lose your family? Did you get in trouble? Why do you think it's gonna be any different? That's insanity. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results. I was introduced to AA at 28. I walked in a room and you people were hugging one another. You people were happy and I wanted what you had but I couldn't leave my favorite tavern alone. I had to go my favorite tablet every day and let everybody see me look at me I'm drinking my coca-cola like in my big red and I continue to drink and I'll go to treatment centers not get drunk and I go to treatment center and I get drunk and it was a rat race you keep kicking a dog in the tail long enough put a soon he's going to turn around and bite you, or he's gonna leave you, and he's not gonna come back. And that beautiful woman that I took away from Clem and married when she was 15 years old, you know, I used to tell everybody, she can't leave me. I've given her five children. Nobody wants her with five children! Somebody Somebody took her with five children. And the sad part about it, he still got her too. Nobody wants her with 5 children. Keep kicking her in the tail long enough she's going to leave you and she's not going to come back. One day I went home and I bust upside the head, and we had one of them knock down drag out fight And I went on her bed and went on in the bedroom passed out next time woke up She's gone the furniture gone the cat gone everything gone. I Don't know how she got all that stuff out of house that length of time I don't know have long I've passed out But I checked in a treatment center You know you check in a treat myself and and G couldn't terminate me and I checked in the treatment center after about two weeks of staying drunk and I got a letter where my wife was suing me for divorce and I couldn't understand why. Why is she suing you for divorce? I murdered when she was 15 years old. I came with five children, also bust upside the head, also wouldn't pay no light and gas bill. I wouldn't buy no food. Why is he suing him for divorce?" Then we get to pour me, pour me another drink. And that's what happened. I stayed drunk in the treatment center. Climbed out of one of the treatment centers one morning about 1 o'clock. Somebody did a fine. Went and got drunk. I was going to sneak back in. I got lost somewhere. There were a lot of woods outside. Maybe one day somebody come up, no, John, Why don't you stay all night with me? I don't know, you know. But I got back to treatment center that morning, and I'm drunk and crying. Nobody loves me. Nobody cares. You know how we do. And they put me out. They told me I was a bad influence on their alcohol program, you knows. The doctor told me to call every day. He'd give me scoops, go back to GE. GE and I called them every day, doctor, I got a wife and five children and I need my job. I need no more wife and children in the world. So one day he finally gave me an excuse to go back to work and I went back to working at GE and two weeks later GE terminated me after 10 years of service. I could have retired, I could be waiting on a pigeon every month but alcohol deprived me from that. My wife divorced me after 18 years of marriage. GE He terminated me after 10 years of service, all in less than a month's time. And I went downhill and I just didn't care. And I drank and I drank. And I was cold turkey. I'd be hot one minute and I'd been cold the next minute. And I would pray to God I didn't know existed. Lord, please help me get over this drunk part, God. I promise you, I'll never take another drink. Any of y'all ever made no bargain with God? You help me Get Over This Drunk, then I won't drink no more, you know? And I go through there for three or four days, then my sick man would kid, well maybe I just drank two beers, you know? You know the rest of the story, don't you? Two led to four and eight and on and on. I moved in a halfway house, a tablet house, the same house that I'm the director of tonight. I moved into this halfway house and I got involved in AA and I stayed sober about three months and I called my ex-wife, hey, I've been sober three months, let's go back together. And we went back together. We didn't remarry, but we went back together and I didn't drink alcohol for three years, like about three weeks being three years. But I didn' change either. I didn''t change. The only thing I did right was not drink alcohol. I continued to go my favorite tavern drinking my big reds and my coca-colas you know. And I did anything I want to do I mess with women and somebody said John you can't drink alcohol but you can smoke marijuana smoke your joint and I did and I come to meeting you know have high off of marijuana and people John how you doing I'm doing great way up on you know and I stopped making meeting I didn't need you people no more I didn' t need you people, you know. I stopped doing the things that got me sober at first. And I bet you 9% of the people that you see have been sober in a length of time and go back out and drink again. Most of them will say, I stopped making meat. They are spending $1,000 every year trying to determine, trying to find a cure for alcoholism. This is the cure. Rarely have I seen a person fail who had further father and I got drunk after almost three years and be glad to have my mother matured my wife they couldn't understand why I got you I know why I got drunk I know who I got John I got a job at Sigma stereo good good place for an alcoholic right now the steward I was a maintenance painter one day I came working I'm shaking and everybody's we gonna add all the whiskey from John we're not gonna let John get drunk today show how stupid they were you know I'm working at a steward and now I went out there I saw all the whiskey falling down the line I just grabbed one everybody checking you don't have to check this one I'm gonna drink this one yeah but while we checking this one, I don't care I'm shaking I need my medicine and they terminate me and I call my sponsor I've had sponsors after sponsor and he came came down and said, John, you've been in every treatment center in Louisville. There's a treatment center on the Grange which is about 30 miles up the road from Louisville, maybe they can help you. But you all know no treatment center can get you sober. You know, everybody wants to promote this treatment and promote that treatment center. No treatment center can get your sober. They can drive you out and they can give you the tools but you got to apply those tools in your everyday life. But God worked mysterious ways. I went to treatment, son. I met a lady named Avalon. She's dead now. She was one of the sweetest counselors in the world. And she said, John, you got a Z called alcoholism. You take away the alcohol, you've got the isms. Those are the things you need to work on every day. And you've gotta get rid of your resentment, your envy, and your jealousy. And John, you've GOT TO LOVE EVERYBODY. You've GOT to love white people, black people, old people, young people. You've got to love everybody. You don't have to like everybody ways, but you've Got to love them and there are some people I choose to love long-distance but I love me anyway she told about the ABCs that's in a big book I thought she come out ABC you learn when you go to school and she told me you know John if he ever gets a spiritual party program you can love people like it never loved before and I didn't know what she was talking about and she told me to go back to the tablet house because they'd helped me before but I I went back home to a woman that would tell me, John, I don't love you no more. I don' t care if it stays so racialized, I still won' t love you, won' d love you. But I was going to make that woman love me. Any of y'all been in a relationship and it's not working, you're just going to making it work, it's going to work, it's gonna work. We can't make nothing happen. We can' t change people, places, things. And I went back home and I was gonna make this woman love me and I can remember when I used to come in three or four o'clock in the morning, she started coming in three or five o' clock in the morning. And she didn't have no lipstick on, but her hair was all over her head, you know. And you know what I said? I'm gonna kill her. Didn't think about it when I did it, but when she did, I'm going to kill her! And I tried to stay in that relationship to make it work and I was crazy. And one night I woke up and I started riding. And I picked the guy up and he said, take me to the liquor store. And after going through all that wonderful program and all that pain and suffering, I still thought I could drink alcohol. Cunning, baffling, powerful, and patient. And I started what was my last drunk so far and you'll never forget your last drunk. I will never forget my last drunk.I stayed drunk all that night and went to work this morning I worked at Philip Morris. It was a maintenance painter, making good money. Walked off a job after two hours. Didn't even change clothes. I guess my clothes didn't dry right as old as they had been 23 years ago. Got locked up. Got out the next day. Went home. Found out my wife had got a court order to put me out of the house, and I didn't have no home. And I ran the streets of Louisville, and i'm blessed. I'm not lucky. I'm blessed to be alive. They say, God, watch it over fools and drunks. I was both. And I used to ask people for money and they wouldn't give me no money, and I'd talk about the mothers and fathers and sisters and brothers, and it's a wonder somebody didn't kill me. But God saved me so I could come and share my experience to hope with you all tonight. And I had all that hate from my ex-wife, I knew she was seeing somebody else and I don't know where I got a butcher knife one day, I went over and she came to the door and we got in an argument, I had a butcher's knife in my back pocket, I don' t know where where I got it from, and I'm not proud of this. And we were arguing, I read you in my back pocket, cut across the jaw with a butcher knife. I'm not proud of that. God knows I'm not proud of that I have five children that love me and love her today by the grace of God and that woman didn't deserve it and if the doctor had been a little bit low I would have cut her throat and she would have died and I loved those kids I don't think I could face kids knowing that I had cut their mother with a butcher knife. And I remember police came and I just ran, I ran, and I ran and I hid from the police for two months and those were the most miserable two months of my life and every time I see a police guy, I just get real scared, you know? And every time go to bed at night, I could picture myself cutting up with a butchery knife and I couldn't go to sleep so I stayed drunk around the clock for two whole months and I couldn't work and I went from one corner nothing bum and dams to quarters. I drank that Little Richard, I drank that EMD 2020, I drink that pop pop vodka and this guy had three bottle rubbing alcohol in the house and I drank those three bottle of rubbing alcohol and chaser with grape pop not to get drunk to just calm me down because I was shaking and some of you have been in that situation you can relate to me and I slept in old abandoned cars and I slept in the park, I was nothing. I was a non-entity. And July 4th, I thank God, I said, okay John, you've had enough. I'm going to take you off the streets of Louisville and I'm gonna show you new freedom and I will show you do happiness. And I went to jail, suffered malnutrition and they put me in a cell with three murderers and they had compassion for me, you know, I'm over there I was shaking, and I went in these tees. I saw snakes crawling around my throat. Look at the more I pull off, the more of a crumb. And I heard music, and now I get up in the middle of the night, and I'll be fighting all these men, you know, and I saw blood crawling up down the wall. And the old guy would hold me and say, John, ain't nobody there, man. And I tried to eat that old water with oatmeal that they gave me in jail, and it was shaking so bad that I threw it all over, and they had to hold my hand and feed me like I was a baby. And I met my sponsor, came up and said, John, I'm going to talk to my wife about getting you out of jail. And I said, Don, I ain't going out. I was afraid that I couldn't live out on the streets of Louisville. I wanted to stay in jail. After about 30 days, I caught hepatitis. My eyes got real yellow and they thought it was contagious and they put me in a little cell by myself. And I couldn' have no visitors and I couldn''t look at TV and I coul''t use the telephone. The only thing I had to look forward to was when I was slid over three meals in two minutes a day. And all I could do was cry and pray and cry and cry. Now, all of my life I believed in God and then I didn't believe in God. And then I don't care what nobody says. It's hard to believe in something you can't see. But a guy told me one time, John, can you see the wind? And I said, no, I can't say the wind. And he said, you can feel it, can't you? And I say, yes. And they said, that's where God is. We don't see God. We feel it. We see God through you people, the love that you have for one another. That's God working through you. because all the other things God is yes he's everything but the most significant thing God is his love he loves us so much but I didn't know that I didn' t know that and I thought back in my life and I said forget our jail I don't have a place to stay you know I don' t have no job I'm 38 years old and I don''t have nothing I don ''t even know where my children are and everybody everybody got a breaking point, I don't care how big or bad you are. And one night I started crying and I started trying to tie a sheet around my throat. And I don�t know where they came from. I don �t know it seemed like correct. I heard those gates, you know those keys rattling. And there were about five corrections officers that came in and took the sheet away from me and sat me down and begged me not to commit suicide. And I know God worked through those correction officers. And they gave me some books to read and they gave me a Bible to read and I read those books and I continued to cry and continue to pray and I said God if you are there I don't care if I go to penitentiary I don'y care if never have a material thing my whole life I just want to live and I just wanna live sober God doesn't come when you want him but he comes and I was on a $10,000 cash bond and nobody was gonna get me out of here I knew I was going to penitenciary and one day they said John get your thing you're going out and there was a Commonwealth detective that got me out of jail. Why? Because he was just like me, and he was just like you. And he got me out of the jail, and I said, John, I talked to the judge, and the judge said, the only way that he would let you out of prison is if I had to find you a place to stay. So I got you a bed over at the Talbot house, and now I'm going to take you over there, and I can remember this guy had a new suit, and he had a car, and tears were running down my eyes, and I said man, I just hope and pray that one day I'll be able to repay you for what you done for me?" He said, John, you can. Stay sober and help another suffering alcoholic. That's love. You don't find no kind of people running up down the street in Chicago every day or Louisville every day but they are here in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I moved in this halfway house called the Tablet House. No clothes, no job, no family, no nothing. but I didn't have nothing. The first pair of pants I wore in 1980 came from the Goodwill. I see guys come in today with Cadillacs and Volvo. I didn�t even have a bicycle when I came into place. But I surrendered, and my sponsor called me and said, �I'm going to pick you up.� And I said, you know, I can't go to AA. I mean, that guy has dirty clothes on. And he said, John, you're not going to win no damn beauty contest. You're You're going to try to stay sober." And I went to AA again, and I kind of sat on the side because I had those dirty clothes on. I didn't think you people wanted to be by with me. When the meeting was over, I was going to rush out the door, but I thank God that you people came up and grabbed me and said, John, we love you, and we need you. If you had told me, John you better do this, you better that, I would have told you what you better do and went out and drank myself to death. But you told me that you loved me and you told that you needed me, and I thank God for the love that you showed me. Alcoholism is a mental, physical, and spiritual disease, and without all three of them, man, you miss having the most beautiful party program there was. One afternoon, I was going to the convenience to get a pack of cigarettes and God came into my life and seemed like just a lot of little things running through my body that's all God and I started laughing I started crying I thought of praying all the same time and I looked around try to see something I couldn't see nothing it seemed like just a calmness came over me and for the first time in my life I said to myself I can stay sober don't have to drink alcohol anymore And I remember going to get those cigarettes and I was crying and I would laugh and a woman looked at me and I guess she said, that MD 2020 don't warp the brain cells, you know he crazy. But I had found a God that I didn't know existed no way. And I don't run up down the street telling everybody, God touch me, God, touch me. I don t think God wants me to. We are based on attraction rather than promotion, watch me. me. Anybody talk that talk. Jimmy Baker talked that talk, Jimmy Swagger talked that talk. And I started to say something else but I forgot it was in Chicago. Jesse wanted to counsel Clinton, keep messing women. Watch the people that walk that walk. And I can honestly say from that evening up until the night, I have not had the desire to drink alcohol. AA didn't do it. The treatment center didn't, treatment center didn' do it, the halfway house didn't do it God took the desire for me to drink away. I come to AA to live sober, you know I don't have no drinking problem. If you don't believe me read the ABC that's in in the big book, after the fifth chapter. A, that we were alcoholic and could not manage our own lives. B, there's probably no human power to leave the alcoholism. And C, that God couldn't rule if he would solve it. Not Betty Ford Clinic. Not some clinic in Cleveland or some clinic at Chicago or some clinic in Louisville, but God couldnít rule if he was solved. It's in the big book. It's in the a big book. And he gave me serenity, and he gave me peace of mind. And I stayed in that halfway house for six months. And I moved into the old house by myself. First time I ever been out by myself, scared. Didn't have no radio, didn't have no TV. Every time it used to rain, it used rain on my bed, had to move my bed. But I was happy. I was And I used to come out of the old house and I'd be singing and acting crazy, and this one guy used to just come over every day and say, John, I just wish I had what you got. And I said, Junior, I didn't get what I got but just going to Sunday school every Sunday morning. I've been through some pain and I've gone through some suffering, Lord, oh hell. I've hurt so bad I feel like my heart's gonna pound out of my body. I've cried so hard I feel that my eyes are gonna fall out in a second. You wake up on a Christmas Day and you want to be with your children so bad and you see guys playing with the kids and you can't be with yours because of alcohol it hurts it hurts but this guy used to always tell me John that was a crucifixion before it was a resurrection we buy a little Easter suits and Easter flock and we happy for Easter thank God Jesus got up with all power power to heal the drunk power to do that but don't forget about Friday and when we go through some pain and suffering just remember what he went through for you and for me we've got to have the pain and we've got to go through the suffering but it doesn't last forever I tell everybody you drive down 65 you come into a bad storm keep on driving you'll drive out of the storm you may end up in Alabama but you keep on home drive past 23 years been the best year of my life that woman died cut with a butcher knife man for eight years we couldn't talk and she called me and she said John this is Nancy and I said yeah she's asked won't let you know you're no good and you did see you there you cut me with a butcher's knife and you this and I said, you're another one, you know, and we went through this for about eight years. She called me and said, I don't know why I merged, I should have married Clem and you still this, and I say, you are another one. About eight years went by and I was at work one day and she said, John, this is Nancy and I'm getting ready to say you're not another one but she said John, oh ever since since we've been divorced. I hated you. You destroyed our marriage. You destroyed our family. But John, I'm trying to get my life back together. And I'm calling you tonight, John, to tell you that I don't hate you no more, John. I love you. And I am proud of the work that you're doing. Keep on doing it. When I cut my daughter when I cut her mother with a butcher knife, I called over to the house and I was running from the police and she said, Dad, I hate you. you cut mama with a butcher knife get out of my life I'll never see you no more and it hurt but when that girl got married and I was walking down the aisle and tears running down my eyes and everybody thought I was crying because I was giving my daughter away but there wasn't a reason why I was trying I was praying because I can remember time she said that I hate you I'll never see them all but I was watching down the hour and when I got here yesterday she called me and said, Daddy, I just wanted to make sure you had a safe trip, and I know you'll make a good speech. She loves me today. Every year we have a Thanksgiving dinner, the Christmas dinner, and now my ex-wife and I, we didn't get back together, but I go to the house, you know, it's past Christmas, I went over to the House, and her boyfriend came out with no shoes on. I told a friend of mine, I should have stomped her toe, you know. But I've changed now. God and you people taught me how to change, but last Thanksgiving we had a dinner and everybody held hands and everybody went in the room and said what they were grateful for and I'm grateful that you know we all together and my little seven-year-old grandson said I'm just grateful because my grandfather Father, it's here we eat Thanksgiving and us today. It's not the great big things that mean so much. It's the little bitty things that get you on the inside. And I owe it all to God, AA, and you people. All I've done was the footwork. All I'm doing is I'm going to do what I'm supposed to do. All I did was what that detective told me, but carry the message and try to help other alcoholics. That's all I've been doing. I won a war from the governor. I won the war from mail. I won the award from the county judge. Last year, I was nominated for the Kentucky Civil Rights Hall of Fame. I've got all kinds of awards on my wall. But the greatest award of all was when I found God, AA, and you people. Greatest award ever. And I know it's getting late. And as I get ready to close, I just want to thank y'all for allowing me to come and share There are my friends, my friends with a few people. I hope and pray that I've said something to help somebody. If not, keep coming back. This is probably the greatest program that God ever put on this earth for us alcoholics. But I can't work your program for you, and you can't walk my program for me. I can live up to your expectations, and You can't live up the mine. But if by chance we all can come together, black, white, rich, poor, male, female, from all over the country and share with one another and care for one another and love one another, just think how easy our life would be. And sometimes we get to feeling low in the field and no one cares or no one loves you. Who woke you up this morning? God loves you, and I love you. And as you go back to your respective countries and respective states and respect the city, just remember that little black bald-haired guy from Louisville that loves you. And I hope that you love me and I hope and pray that that you can continue to love me, and I can continue love you, and we all can grow together in this great program of Alcoholics Anonymous. And one day we can have a great big meeting up in the sky, and maybe we can meet Dr. Bob and Bill W and some of the alcohol that's gone on before us. And we can all be be together and we can say, we fought a good fight. We made it over into the promised land. No pain, no suffering, and every day gonna be howdy and howdy and never goodbye. I wish you peace, I wish love, and I wish togetherness. Thank you very much.