Step 7 and the Pinch Hitter Prayers for Anger – Bob A.

November 1st, 1993, Sherman Oaks, California, prime time stag. Well, we'll start the meeting off as we always do. Well, you know, the reason why is because there has to be, in my way of thinking, There has to be some kind of a format for a meeting to be able to keep it in that format so that it doesn't get lost or doesn't gets shoved aside or something else comes out more important than anything else. And what that is, is thinking in terms like myself, I think in terms of being here for a lot of reasons, and yet I'm only here for one reason, but you see I get sidetracked because I start using my brain and thinking about the day I'm in and all of the things that happened and then yesterdays and so on like that. And then when I think things like that, I want to talk like that and I want associate my life to that because that seems to be the thing that is wrong in the picture is that the way of life that I had in Alcoholics Anonymous without the alcohol starting out in Alcoholic Anonymous is that each and every day as it came and went The name of the game seemed to be just staying sober and then learning what the 12 steps are or what you do by a sponsor and so on like that. Well, you know, for a long period of time is that I had a sponsor that was a stepman, a god man, and he kept hammering on me and kept talking to me every day because I stayed with him the first three and a half months, 24 hours a day down here. And then he'd come out and live with me out here in California, and I went in AA back in Cleveland, Ohio. And while he was here, I didn't seem to be in trouble. I didn' t seem to b e too far out. I wouldn' t get too lost. I wouldn't get too deep into some rat races that I call rat race living in a world out there I can' t live in. And yet, though, I kept going to meetings now. And what I mean by this is I lived at Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. I never stayed away. I never stood. I just lived in AA all these years. But you see, I always took that as something that was a qualification thing, that you come here and you sit here now, whether this is a participation or a speaker meeting or whatever it is, step study, book study, anything. And then when I leave here, this night or these hour and a half or hours that I spent, they were actually worthless to me because they didn't do anything to me or for me. They were just like telling jokes or reading a story or reading something in a newspaper and then 10 minutes later I couldn't even remember what the hell I read or what the joke was about it so this night's yours to talk about other people other people now meaning your wives girlfriends bosses freeway drivers or partners business partners or anything else like that that's worthless that's absolutely worthless in Alcoholics Anonymous the disease of alcoholism has to be understood exactly what it is and for me I was, I had to go a little farther. I had to find out how it got there. I had to find out what I did in the life I lived in to make this thing happen to me because I was always worrying and always wondering how I got this way. Why, why me? And all this stuff like that. Because I knew that there was something wrong with me. Because when I was dead sober, sober for years, I still reacted, looked at people, got ready for, treated people, did everything the same way I've always had done it. The minute I thought that something was against me or they were pushing me too hard or they're taking advantage of me, man, I just come on strong and I did come on strong. And yet though, I never once during these years now, and this year went on for some time, I didn't once ever question other people to me. I always questioned them, see, as far as they're wrong and I'm right. And so I kept looking outwardly all the time. Nobody ever told me in AA exactly what this disease is. They just kept telling me to put the steps in my life, turn it over, get a sponsor, read the book, go to more meetings and stuff. It's just an endless thing. Maybe you've had that too, I don't know. But I had plenty, I had enough of it, you know. Because I wanted to have exactly...I knew that there was other guys around, my sponsor was one, but there was other guys around too that I'd go to a meeting and I would listen to different different guys and gals, mostly guys all the time. And so I would hear these different guys. Now, one guy over here will be talking, another guy over there talking during the night, you know, what it means. And the one guy was like me. He talked about nothing but the rat race. He talked nothing but how rotten things were and how rotten everything is and so on. The other guy, he was always talking about how well he was in the day because he always talked about the day as a good day, a day that pleased him. His work, his raises, his kids, his cutting the grass, painting, and going on vacation and stuff like that. That's what he talked about, see? I never talked about them things. Even if I did them, I didn't talk about them. The only thing I talked about was the only one thing I talked about is what my head says to me about everything that's going on in you, whoever you are. And this here, believe me, this is something I can't stop. I don't know. There's no way I can stop it. And I mean this now, you know, because I've started out right, and I've always told myself in the day I'm in that I'm not going to do this. I'm Not going to Do That. I'm going to watch it here. I'm gonna watch it there. I'm making sure they know that I'm okay and this, that, and the next thing you know, what do I do? I do the same thing I always do, and I can't stop it. I don't want to do this, but I have to do it because there's nothing else to do. There's nothing in my head that has any kind of meaning, any purpose, that I could be kind to you or I could of service to you, to help you, see what your needs are. No way, man. I got to see mine first. You might come, but you're not going to come second. and you ain't coming ahead of me. And this here is what I'm talking about now is no more than a disease of alcoholism. Now, the disease of alcoholism has to be for me even today. This is my life. This is that I'm not going to wait until I get in trouble. I'm never going to do it again. to wait until I hurt you or I get hurt or anything else like that and then find out that I should do something different or what is it I should doing. The program of recovery was never offered to me and Alcoholics Anonymous as what it really is. Because it was always, don't drink. No matter what happens, don's drink. That's not my problem. My problem isn't drinking. My problem is thinking. And when I was drunk and drinking, it still was wrong. And when Iím sober, itís still the same thing. It doesnít make any difference. I didnít know that when Iwas drinking, the alcohol that I was drinking was treating my alcoholism because it made the world that Iwas in a world Icould be in. Man, that didnít make sense. Then when I get here in Alcoholics Anonymous, and I haven't got the booze in me, I've got the same life that I had when I was drunk. It's not a fallen down life or a drunken life as far as hitting things and doing things, but it's the same eyesight, the same feelings, emotions. It's the sane thing. I react the same way. And I haven' got nothing to cover it up. I haven''t got no booze. I haven ''t got mind that I can fill up with something else so that I cannot see that or feel that. And here at Alcoholics Anonymous, in the beginning now, it was always stay sober, stay sober. Stay sober, say sober. And yet though, you see, as I lived this life, I kept getting deeper, sober in alcoholism. Because alcoholism, I had to find out what it is. It's not a disease of the bars or bottles. It's a disease in the mind. And it talks about this. It's on page 23 in your big book is where I first started there, not knowing what that means even. it and then it goes into 25 and then i start reading in steps exactly what's wrong with me it says in there except one glass in hand i walked my mind stew says that i'm willing to say i'm a problem drinker but in fact i won't admit i'm mentally ill and you see now for me to try i don't know how some of you guys feel about this but i thought i always talk about an injured mind a bit mine a mind that's aberrated it's hurt it's injured and it's going to stay like that forever Because this program, this program is already like a tattoo in there. It's got so much information. It's go so much of everything but it's in the subconscious. It's not in the conscious mind. And I don't know the difference between them. Nobody told me that because you see I meant well but I can't do well. And now talk to me and tell me today, this day exactly how it's going to be and what I'm going to do and everything else like that and then when it happens something gets wrong with the picture they say something they piss me off they they maybe wait don't wait on me quick enough you know when you wait to get interviewed or something like that the next thing you know i'm getting strong and i'll say shove it and out the door i go and there there goes the alcoholism and you know what i didn't know it i honestly god didn't no i thought i had the right to do as i damn pleased so long as i didn t get drunk That meant in my own home, driving a car any other place. I thought that by being sober and going to meetings gave me the privilege of thinking you're wrong, taking advantage of you, whoever you are. It doesn't make no difference. Just staying sober and go on AA put me in a worse position than I ever was in my life. It did because my mind is in fog. I got more people around me. I see more, and I'm associated more with life and living. And that means exactly that. Then I can get worse because I'm still the same man, and I've still telling me what's right and what's wrong. Still looking at you and thinking that if you'd straighten up, I'd be all right. Man, I'm telling you, that's a bummer, that is. Because in my own home, my wife, I took through drinking years. Same damn thing. I didn't bump on her, but boy, I sure gave her a rash of crap. because I always thought that if she would only change, I would be all right in my own home. Man, I tell you, I can't buy that, see? Because my actions of the day I'm in always comes from me where I get hurt for me. It's self-inflicted. Everything is self. You don't hurt me. I hurt me because I look at you and the concept I see in me is what hurts me. And that's me. It's not what you're doing. And I don't know these things, though. I think that if you would turn around and act right, I'll be all right. And that's so far off base. See, alcoholism has to be explained to me a bit exactly what it is out there. Don't tell me it's a disease because I know that. Tell me what the disease is when it's being used or the symptoms or what it does to you. Tell me about that. Tell me why in the heck, why can't I drive my car today and I'm not drunk? How come I can't drive my cart? How come I go on the freeway if the traffic's heavy? You know what I start doing? I start talking to me, and I start telling me about things. And you know what else I do? I get anxious. I get mad. I don't like people. I speed up. I stop. I do many, many things. I even won't let people cut in when they should cut in. You should let them off. I should do these things, but I can't do it. How come? How come?" If that ain't the disease of alcoholism, what the hell is it? You mean to say everybody on that freeway drives that way? No way, man. They wouldn't have enough tow trucks around here to pull them all in. That's a fact. That's the truth. This is the disease of alcoholism. Man, I'll tell you, I drive like a maniac, you know. Even today, I go back some years. Man, that paid for two accidents before I quit it. I actually took them off, you now. That paid for it too. But never once ever thinking, never once ever thinking that there's something the matter with me. I shouldn't act like that. I shouldn' do that. What's the matter with you, Anderson? So here at this meeting here, why can't this meeting, because if you're coming here, Galcox Anonymous, and I know you are, you're come in here because there's something wrong in your life. You're not here because no place else to go. I know that. And I had to find out that this program of recovery and this book is all about me, not about you. If you say it's about you, then it's fine. But I can't look outwardly no more because of what this disease is. It's a mind functioning thing. It's controlling thing. It's inside of me. It's indelible. I cannot get it out of there. And it isn't in my head. If it was in my, believe me, I could do something about it. I really could and so could you. But there's nothing there that I can control. And the way that's explained, it's in the Gnostics on page 45 and they're talking about lack of power. The kind of power they're talking about is not horsepower. It's not intelligence power to know how to add or write or do your job or whatever your job is. That isn't what they're taking about. What they're taken about is how I look at life as life is there, what I want and why I want it, and things along that line. See, the lack of power is that I cannot do the things that are necessary to do. I just can't do it because I've got emotions. I've Got feelings. I've GOT selfish self. I always want to be okay first. You make sure that I'm going to be treated right, I get what I need, then you can get what you need. But first I come, not you. This here is explained a great deal in Step 2. In Step 2 it says in there that I am going to come to believe in a power greater than me that will restore me to sanity. Sanity has no reference against sanity. Sanity is what we're talking about all the time when the disease says run that son of a bitch off the road. Tell this, tell that, screw them, screw this. That's the disease, but that's the mind telling me how to act, how to think, what to do. This is all about what's wrong inside of me, not inside of you. I've got it. I've Got the same problem every day I wake up. I've GOT the power of self, and the power itself is always going to do the same thing if I don't change. If I don' t change, that's exactly why I'm here. I'm here to learn how to build a new character, how to be a new man, a new alcoholic maybe. But you see, I'm not going to use the old me. I'm no going to do that. Now, how do you do that? You had to stop right there because there's no way, there's no way I can do this. By myself, I cannot do it. There is no way that I could do it, but you see in the program recovery, the program recover is 12 steps. The message is in the 12 steps, it's not at this meeting. This meeting will never get this over. It just won't do it. It's not here for that reason. But there is something for every one of us, and it's a program recovery. It's 12 steps. Now these 12 steps have to be more than just numbers up to 12, and they have to more than reading. They have to me more than listening. And they have be more then many other reasons, but there is one thing in particular, and this is something about a power. It's in step two, and it says power. It doesn't say higher power or nothing else. It says power, and what this is is trying to identify something. Now, what they're trying to identity for me, I know this is about me I'm talking now, not you, is that I had to learn that there's something here to learn in out-course synonymous and appropriate recovery because I'm a power. I am a power I don't know if you look at this like I look at it, but I am because all my life I've been talking to me and telling me I've pushing and shoving. I believe in me. I trust me. I go to me. I sleep with me. I wake up with me, I'll go to work with me and there's nothing else in my life, nothing except me. It's all about me all the time and I don't know that this is where I got sick, this is when I was drinking, I was always out there trying to make the world be a world I wanted and could fit in and wanted to be in and the more I drank the worse it got because of what I had to do then I had learn what defects of character are. I had to learn to do things. You had to lie. You had steal. You had push, shove. You had take advantage of people, abuse people. Take advantage of the people you love even just to get ahead. People I should never do that to and I do it. But the disease of alcoholism is a mind-controlling thing. I learned a great many years ago how to live in the world and take every damn thing I could take, use everybody I could use. I don't know if this is about you, but it's about me. At the same time, the character that I am, I didn't understand. This character I was building then is the character I brought here. When I come here, I was loaded with me. I was loading with everything there is to destroy people in the world and my life too. I had no consideration at no time about anybody, anybody, I don't give a damn who they are except me. Always the same man, always doing the same thing. And so when I got to Alcoholics Anonymous, I couldn't get it through my head. I thought that AlcoholicsAnonymous was going to give me something. They were going to put something in my life, and I'm going to keep what I got, and they're going to gives me something, and then I'm gonna be all right. No damn way. No way at all. I thought they modified you. I thought the added something to your life. I really believed that. I honestly, God, believe that. And as I went along, I found that these days would turn on me. They would turn terribly. I would get in awful, awful bad trouble. And yet, though, the disease was never told to me. They just said, keep going no more meeting. Stay sober. Do this. Do that. See, and that kept getting worse. I don't know about you, but you see, I always look to the future. I always looked to the bar. I always thought that I'm going to make it. It's going to take some time. I've got a long way to go. I've Got a lot of work to do, but I'm Going to Make It. No way, man. No way I'll ever make it because there isn't anything in the future If I don't do what I'm supposed to do today in the program of recovery, today, this day, for this day. I haven't got nothing. I haven' t got a damn thing. I still got me and I got my pass. I've got everything I brought here and I'm going to have to use that because there's nothing else to use. And man, that's a hard concept. That's hard to buy when you're sober. That's harder to buy it when you've got a pocket full of money. Hard to buy, when you got a home and new cars. You got a couple of girlfriends or a wife or whatever you got. This is hard to find. It's hard to be. Really, I can't accept it because I think in terms of all I need to do is go ahead and get more, have more, have better cars, have many more girlfriends, have a lot of friends. Have more girlfriends. Have more of anything. I don't give a damn what it is. And believe me, I lived like that. I did live like that, and I had them things. And I didn't know that that's living. Nobody told me that's moving. They didn't tell me that at all. That's living, you know what living is? Living in the world I'm in, being satisfied by pleasures, by driving new cars, having a boat. I had a motorhome. I had motorcycles, dune buggies. And I had all of these things, and I was living high on the hogs. I was going to Oceana, andI was going up Pismo, and Iwas going Glamis, andi was going everywhere, havingaball. But you know what happened to me? My mind was getting worse. My mind. And I was treating people worse, and l was getting worse. I was getting stronger in the disease about my life. My living's good, man. My living. You couldn't get any better living than I had. But my life was going to hell. I couldn't. I just couldn't not talk to people. I couldn'T be a friend. I was angry. I had a chip on my shoulder. I'd be out there in a boat having a ball fishing. And you know what I'm doing? I'm cussing somebody out because he's making waves or something. He's disturbing the boat. Here I am enjoying life, you know, I thought. And I'm still cussing and thinking bad thoughts. Never once, nobody ever told me about the disease of alcoholism. Man, I thought I had it made. And when I would come home from work and say I had a bad day at work. I don't know if any of you guys do this, but by the time I get home, plus the freeway and plus work, I'm so loaded and I'm so angry and I am so full of that day and what happened. Do you know who I take it out on? I don' t know if you do that, but I do it. I don''t even know that Alcoholics Anonymous. there's a way of life, a method of living and it's all there every bit of it you don't even have to know how to do it I know this for sure but there is a procedure there is an order for him in Alcoholics Anonymous that treat alcoholism because you and I both we can talk tonight about this day to day no other day and you can describe if you'll stop and think about it where the alcoholism came into your life today, where maybe you thought badly of somebody, whoever it was, maybe in a market, maybe at a gas station, maybe on a freeway, maybe at work, maybe At Home, maybe your neighbor, something like that. Or you got upset over something that didn't even pertain to your life, didn't have a thing to do with your life. I do this all the time. I have to kick it out. The way I kick it off is I ask God about it. I talk to God about It because I'll watch you park the car and I'll think you're parking it wrong. Because you don't know how to get in there right. See, I do. I've got an opinion on everything I see. You have an opinion of everything you see? I can't stop it. I don't want to know how you stop yours if you do it. But there is a method, though. There is a way that this here, what I'm talking about, is important. My life's important to me. I don' t know about yours. But I can' t live in that world out there. I can''t answer to people out there and hurt them or be smart about it. I can ''t do the things I used to do. I just can'' t do it." I can't hold grudges. I can do anything about remembering yesterday's life, yesterday meaning backwards any amount of time, years or anything. I can judge you today, anybody, anybody. Of the way you acted in the yesterdays where I thought it was wrong and then use it today against you. I can' t do that. But there is a method here. There is a way of living that makes it possible for me to do this. I don' t know if you need it. I need it because, you see, every day I had. I was so charged up. I was so loaded with all of my yesterdays, all of mine failures, all of my troubles, the hardship that the day I was in, I couldn't even see what I should see and know what I should see. My mind is so occupied with all the concerns about yesterday but not today. And then when I try to live today, I haven't got room in my brain for that. I just haven't gotten it. I'm already emotionally involved. I'm already thinking in terms of being hurt. I'm always trying to see the things that are bad that happen to me because I want to blame something. I want to know, I just want to do, if they hadn't done it, I would have been like this or I would have had this. If they hadn'T taken me to court and took all my stuff, man, look where I'd be today. I've been through this. I'M talking about me. You see, if you don't show me me, I can't see me. I just can't seem me because myself I can't look at myself because I don't want to face it. I don' t want to look at it. I don''t want to admit that this is true. And yet, though, in the steps, step five is where you have to do this. If you're not taught in five, then how are you going to learn this? Where would you learn this?" Because Goliath found out for me that if I write this inventory in four, so I made a searching and fearless moral inventory of my life and me, who I am today, how could I do five if I don'T do that? And then what am I supposed to do in five? Just write it and think about it? No way. See, there is a method here. And the reason I talk about step two all the time is because step two is one of the biggest major problems for me and any alcoholic with alcoholism when it isn't being treated, when it doesn't be treated. So what it's for is actually so that I can qualify as an alcoholic to go to step three so that i can make a decision to turn my will and life over to care of God if I understood him from two. And this means what I'm talking about all the time. And I talk about this lately now, and Richard and I were talking about it tonight, and I talk About This All the Time, is that there's a message here. Now, as I sat out there like you're sitting out there, I can't hear this. And yet it was offered to me. I know it was. And I didn't hear it. They said it. They must have said it, but I didn' t hear it And what they're saying there is that this day, this is all about a program recovery. recovery. It's always about a method of living, a 12-step application for a performance in my life today. And in turn, this will allow me to have something now that I never had before. And what that something is, is the power greater than me, which is the Lord, a God of my life. Now, that means... Now, here's the part that I've never heard, is that here in Alcoholics Anonymous, I thought that you talk to God in the morning and you talk To Him at night, and occasionally Occasionally, you might talk to them during the day. See, it's not about that. That's part of what you do, but that isn't what you do. What you have to do, and I know this for an alcoholic, to change or to have the new character that I'm building here in Alcoholics Anonymous from the program recovery with no reference to yesterday or any of the other lives that I have lived is that if I don't walk and talk in the day I'm in where the power is greater than me, this God all day long, whether I'm a trouble or not doesn't make no difference. Doesn't mean this not what it means now I must have this gun just power all the time every waitful moment because if I don't what have I got what do I do you know what I used to do I use that like like job like I did in step seven a bushling pinch hitter I would out ask God to help me because I got problems I would pray to God and when I was working without get on my knees I would mentally pray them ask him to help help me with my anger help me to look right see right feel about it. And then you know what I would do? I would separate again. I would go into life, right, say in them words, and then I would go into my life that day, that minute. And you know what I was going to do? Do what I want to do. The next thing you know, I got in trouble. The way I got in trouble is I recognized that I was getting steamed up, I was burning, my blood's boiling, I'm getting mad, I wanna do some damage. And then I go to God again. And I recognize, man, man, I'm doing it again. Forgive me. I'm up my old tricks. Would you forgive me again and help me again? You see what I was doing? I did exactly. And this went on for some years, never realizing that this program of recovery is a way of life, a method of living instead of the other methods, instead of The Old Character and The New Character. The New Character doesn't pray to God and then walk away from Him. He doesn't say, He doesn'T pray to GOD when he's in trouble. He doesn'T pray to god only in the morning or night. It'S a living god. I don't know what a living God is. I had to learn in my own experiences. Nobody told me this, but I had to learn myself that my life's important to me. And when it is important to me, I keep God alive in my life by associating my life to God and I talk to God. This might sound funny to you, but it isn't funny to me because you see, what I found is that I can be a man that I should be by the power of God and that's all I've ever wanted and didn't know it is to be able to walk and talk in the world out there and it's a good world i want to be in that world i want a fee with you i want to talk with you i want to be a friend i want to do all kinds of things and when i do these things my life now gets better not my liver if i got takes care of that but my life gets better i think better i feel better i look at you better i don't have to walk around loaded with all criticism judgment who's picking people apart because they're too fat too skinny too tall any other thing See? And believe me, this is alcoholism. That's what my mind functions all day long. And every time, every time I've asked for help through the power of God, we're associating my life to God. You know what happens? I get better. The day turns better. Better things happen. New things come to me that would never come to be because I would be so blind with the disease of anger and everything else, I wouldn't be able to see it. The doors would open, and I wouldn't even know they were open because I'm not even looking that way. And believe me, this is true. And if you don't think so, look at your track record, your own past track record. See how many times certain days would come along and you didn't do a damn thing and you had a beautiful day. You had a day of all days, and you even talked about it was so good. How come? Did you do that or did it happen to happen? I know I found that true, But I also found that there is a day that I can keep going and these days do get better They do the only reason why is because I'm using something now the power greater than me meaning this God And in turn the method meaning the steps. I don't even need to know how to do them I don t even need you know how the room at first. I thought I did All I have to do is do them and then quarrel with it or try and fall with it after I do it But at least do it. And believe me, this is what this meeting's all about. It's the disease of alcoholism. This isn't about no drunk allows. This isn'T about how bad somebody treated you today, how your wife threw you out or something like that. That'S not the problem. It never was the problem in my life. I didn't know that, though, because I blamed everything by my condition. And yet, thoughs, see, the real problem each and every one of us have and why we come here lies only in each of us. Each of us doesn't lie and possessions or women or men or whatever the hell is out there doesn't it does not it's a concept in me about the life out there that is out the way I think about ways things happen and what people do and this year is all about the disease of alcoholism this is all why I'm here why come to a meeting like this why keep coming to meetings like this for any of us why do this if we're only here for an hour an hour and a half that's all and what benefit would that be if we left this building now and did not do anything at all other than what we've done before we did not even look or read or want something that how do you do this where is it at tell me that's what i had to do i had a telling play another man i don't know how to think or act would you help me what would you do now when you get so steamed up don't tell me about them other people tell Tell me what I have to do. It's all about me. I'm the one that's the alcoholic. I'm no one that gets hurt. I'm not one that can't sleep. I'm know one that punishes people. I don't want to live like that no more. You think I come to Alcoholics Anonymous and do this here? Man, I've been at this a lot of years, but only by the grace of God. I didn't know what to do either until someone come along and said, Look at here. You're here because you got a bed frame. You're in here because your mind is injured. You're going to keep doing the same thing you always did, and you're going to do worse. And that's exactly why the disease is called ism because it's not dead. I thought that after so many years, I've been here enough years, I'll push it aside. You can't push alcohol aside because it means. That's about all for now. So maybe something, what I said before about this God, maybe this is a message that needs to be said. I think so anyway. How do you keep this alive? And I'm not talking about the good life. I'm talking about the life that I should have today coming from a power greater than me, which is a God. He's the Lord of my life. If I walk and talk with Him all day instead of walking and talking with me, now I've got a world that I love. I like this world. This world is a good world. And I go the other way and you know damn well what happens. All of this is a guarantee. I'll guarantee everything I said because it's all in print and it's in my life and I'll give it to you right in the signet, man. This is true. This is real. That's what we're here for. How about some of you now? Neil. My name is Neil, and I'm a raging alcoholic. My life is really good. No, my life is real good. It's really good when I have God in it. I mean, I have good days. I have lots of good days, I've had lots of good days in a row. You know, I'm in conscious contact with God. I've learned a lot from my sponsors and my friends and Bob. And, you know, I sit here all the time real quiet and I listen. But I really am, I'm listening. And I turn it over and it really, really works. Today, it didn't work. No, it's not funny. It didn't, it didn' It didn''t work today at all because my day, Today my living is real complicated right now. I can turn it over to God, and I have good days anyway. But today my day was so complicated, andI was under so much stress I had to go to the attorney and try to come up with a divorce settlement for my wife, and she called me before, and then I hadto go tothe vet because the dog's sick and all this stuff. Well, today was such a complicated day that I figured God couldn't handle it. I hadtodo it myself. And I did, man. I did. is. And from the minute, yeah, I just, you know, I've got to learn how to trust in God's strength and God's power more than I do. If it's an easy day, you get up, you go to work, you go to the gym, you come to a meeting. That's easy. You know, I don't need God's help. I do need God' s help with that. I take that back. I do need that help with it. But when I really need God help, when things get real complicated, I forget about God, and I take over. And I was in my disease today in a big way, and I just needed to sort of check in and share that. Just I've got to thank you guys for being here. I just thought about this meeting all day. I'm going, oh, fuck, oh fuck. God help me. God help be. I get to go to the meeting tonight. I get your Bob talk. I get see my friends. And I've gotta thank God for his love and his presence in my life. Thank you guys are being here, and I can't have another day like today. Thanks. you know what neil's talking about is the same thing i was just talking about is that the importance of come to aa and then come to meetings like this is to realize self to realize that there is only one way one solution one way and that starts in two except two and see this is exactly what i said before that each and every one of us has the opportunity We have the capacity and ability, the ability now to keep something alive in our life that will guarantee you that your disease will be treated, guaranteed. And see, this is something now that isn't in the future. It's in the day you're in as an alcoholic, just today, no other day, only today. We're referring only to today. And so to learn this, though, there are certain things that have to be done. and what has to be done is to describe or to identify what the disease is because you see the disease's in me me and if I'm going to use me or look at me or be with me or believe in me trust me talk to me you know what I've got I've got the full bloom of every damn disease of alcoholism can produce and you know but just like Neil was saying he didn't he said he didn t need him he started Dr. Sayers, and he corrected himself. Well, that's the way I had to correct myself, is that no matter where I am and what I'm doing, if I'm not relating my life and practice in the presence of God, you know whose presence I'm practicing? You know where I'm going to go? I'm gonna go to self, and you know what self's gonna do? The same thing. My past is always my... I went out there, and I didn't do anything until I got back here. And you know, this is funny. You know, it's not funny how, it's funny peculiar. To think that I will live like that and know that I'm going to get in trouble in the day I'm in and I do get in trouble but why can't I at least live list listen if step two says what it says it says I'm gonna come to believe in a power greater than me to restore me to sanity sanity is soundness of mind soundness minus wholeness or wellness of mind so you don't have to do the things that you do you can do something different and what's different is that you're not coming from self you're not coming for them from the past you're You're not coming from your own method of figuring something out. Man, if I have to figure something out, you know damn well I can't do it because I'm in the picture and I'm affected by it because I've got to protect me, I've Got to see what I can get out of it, and I'M OFF TO THE RACES AGAIN. What I'M TALKING ABOUT IS WHY CAN'T YOU AND I, IF WE CAN TALK TO, SAY LIKE YOU, IF YOU TALKTO YOURSELF, NOW I KNOW YOU'VE GOT A MIND THAT TALKS TO YOU AND YOU'V GOT A MINDS OF THINKS. NOW THINKING'S GOOD, BUT TALKIN' ISN'T. THEY TALK TALK. And you've got to distinguish the two because thinking is going on right now all the time. Thinking is what makes me hold my glasses in my hand or turn the doorknob or do whatever I do. That's thinking. Self-talking is a power that tells me how to react or act or think or go or do or be. That's self-talker. Thinking is on all the times. And, you know, thinking is like in prayer when I pray to God. That's thinking. But it's a special thinking. It's centered only to God and I. The other thinking for my life is everything. The lights, I look at them, I turn them on and off and get coffee. It takes thinking to do that. But self-talking is where I say you're wrong. I want it different. I get mad because I self-taught the me. I don't just think about things to get mad. I actually tell myself to get mad because it's wrong, period. You shouldn't do that. Why can't you and I keep something alive right now? At least give it a try. Here's what I used to do with some babies years ago. I used ask them, would you do one thing tomorrow morning when you wake up, whatever time you wakeup, I don't care, would you acknowledge to God yourself personally that you're going to try to stay with them all day long and then consciously, consciously stay with him all day longer? Meaning that, exactly that. To take God with you as your shave or your clothes or you get your car or your ease or you go to work to always just constantly. Notice I used to do this all the time. Give it an honest, self-honest shot that you're doing that. See what kind of day you have. See where you went that day. See what happened that day。 See how things are different that day than any other day. See if they are. Give it a shot. What's the same thing? Why not come to a meeting like this and benefit from it? Why not at least try something? What you're going to try is already explained. It's already there to try. You don't have to figure it out yourself. You don' t have to wait until you see something and then act upon it. You can do it beforehand. I know you can. I'd do it, I know, because I'm not going to turn that corner there and get ready here to turn the corner because I don't know what I'm going to run in out there. But if I'm full of me, I can go around that corner because I won't get pissed off. I won' t get mad. I don't have to get ready to meet you or face you or do anything else. See, there's a big difference. But this is already in the steps. The steps say that this here way of life that I have is only based on today's living spiritually. Page 85, we're not cured of alcoholism. What I really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of my spiritual condition. It says every day of the day I must carry the vision of God's will into all of my activity. That's all I'm saying right now. How about somebody else? You guys want to hear my story or you want to listen to some bullshit? I got 12. My name is Art, and I'm a pickle brain alcoholic, and now I just listen to Bob all about what he's talking about, and i've been doing that very, very exact thing that he's talking about. I have to get the shit out of my system, and And I have to quick listen to this fucked up brain, because this screwed me up every time. Probably some of you know that last year I went through a lot of surgery and a lot of tests and things, and I kept relying on God. And I've been in magnetic tunnels for two and a half hours where I can't even move a muscle, and claustrophobia, I wanted to bust out of that goddamn place and run like hell out down the street naked. You know, it's a hell of a feeling. And God came to my rescue. I turned it over to God. And how did I do it? I keep in daily conscious contact with God all through the day, exactly what Bob's talking about. And yet, bear my mind, I can't allow anything to enter this screwed-up brain except God. And in that damn tunnel, for one example, I laid there and I'm just fighting stuff. I mean, fighting it. And all of a sudden, hey, stupid asshole, you just turned it over to God. What are you trying to do? You're running the show. I'm running the shows. I'm trying to run the show because I don't want to be there. So what I did, I said this serenity prayer. And I have a prayer, thank you God for everything you've given me. And thank you, God, for everything that's taken away from me, alcoholism. And thank your God for anything you've left me. And then I go into this sereny prayer over and over and over and hey, I'm calm as a cucumber, I'll relax later if I want to sleep. That's the difference. That's what he's talking about. He's got to apply this program in application and perform that's exactly what the hell I was doing and how the hell could you imagine me and I mean an active son of a bitch that can't sit for five minutes lay for two and a half hours in a goddamn steel tunnel I have this one little example I've been to a lot of shit property with underground tanks off some of you know this this all of this 93 and the reports get lost or we we didn't get it, or we got it. It's here someplace. In the meantime, weeks and weeks and weeks go by, I've got buyers wanting to buy the goddamn property, and I can't sell it. You're talking big bucks here now, and it's costing me big. Okay, Roy, I'll give you a part of it. Even leaving me for a long time for one percent. We'll negotiate that. But the thing is, having to spill about people wanting to buy the property and being frustrated because I can't sell it. And you know, I could drink over that. But again, I turned it over to God. I patiently waited. I went in a report one whole month. I patiently wait. I didn't bug anybody. Finally, hey, what's the final answer to this report? Am I passing it or what's after next stage? Write the report. What a hell of an answer to get. yet. And then, of course, I hand-delivered some more, and then I waited a week. This time I waited the week. The girl says, well, it's around here someplace. We'll find them. You know, what do you think that does them? I want to drink. But I didn't drink. That was the difference. I turned to her. Okay, God, I can't control this thing. I can handle it. I let it put in your lap. Just walk away and leave it alone. And just leave it alone. In God's time, we get the answers. We get the report. Because the bureaucracy don't work like I want them to work. They don't run that like a business. When the customer comes in, I fix their car and he goes out and gets the money, done. It's not City Hall or the federal government. I've been living through that kind of shit and you know it finally got the final approval. Everything is clear. I got a buy. We're ready to go into escrow so everything working up the way I would like to see it worked out but I left it up to God. I didn't try to run this show. I just did the legwork. I did the negotiation. We agreed on things. I didn't get angry. I didn't upset. I gave a little bit. They gave a little bit, and we finally come to some good agreement. And that's the way it works when you turn it over to God. Things will go your way if you allow God in your soul and your heart. And if you allowed God to do it, you've got to remember that 24 hours a day, you gotta have God on your mind. You've got to be there all the time 24 hours a day because how did you drink how did we use dope or chemicals whatever we thought about it 24 hours of day we woke up gee what do i get my next shot snort pop booze or something and then when i got up in the morning first i had to shut the leg two fingers out of a court and then i go i get the paper and some more in the coat and the coffee and that was start my day i don't have to do that anymore and you know the more i resisted the more it persisted Remember that the more you resist, the more it persists. So how do you stop resisting? Turn it over to God and say, okay, God, it's in your lap. You take care of it and just pray. And it works. I'm a living example, 19 1⁄2 years of it. And I've only learned this the last seven years since I've been associated with Bob. Prior to that, I was just hungry for the steps. What the hell do you do with the steps? How do you handle the steps ? How do they perform ? I didn't even hear the word for form. I didn'y ever hear the words applied. Never. They just said, work the steps. How do you work the step? You know, how do you works the step, what do you do? You've got the answers right here. It's in the book. You have to read the book and read between the lines and then read the black print and start picking the words one by one by each word means something. There's a meaning behind every step. The word humble is never accepted in step seven, But there's a degree of humility in every damn prospect. If you don't say so, but it's there, you read and you'll find out. Thanks a lot. All right. You know, maybe tonight the theme of the meeting could be how to have a relationship with God, how to practice this. But you see, the thing about this that I'm talking about, But if you and I don't identify things, specific things, then the day you're in, talk about them. Name them. Whether you did them or didn't do them, but talk about it. And that means not about people. That don't mean about that at all. What it means is about your own brain, your own reaction, whether you did it or didn' t do it. In other words, whether you applied it or did' n apply it, but at least recognize it, at least be aware of it. Because, you see, for me to walk around the day I'm in and if there is something wrong with this day in my head now, not the day but in the day. And this is always where it's at. It's always about my concepts or my memory or the way I want to treat somebody or the ways that I want people to treat me. The way I will look at somebody one way and look at another person another way. I can't do that. I can. I just can't go it. Because you see, I've got to know that the minute that I look here, look there by myself, So, the disease is on. The disease of alcoholism is on, man. Because this is what I said before. Is that I don't know this, of course. I get out in the world I'm in, and I don' t think of God, don't talk to God, don't even refer to God or anything else like that. And believe me, this is true. I have to do this. When I don''t do that, man, I get in trouble. And if you don'' t think so, stop and think about your days and your troubles. When did they start? What started it? Why was it like it was? See, I've got to know these things. I didn't come here. I've been over here. I'm going for 41 years. You don't think for one minute I'm coming here just because there's no place else to go or this is a warm place or something, you know, to get out of the cold. No way, man. I come here for me. I don't come hier for you. But you see, I have to do this because the life that I would have if I didn' t do this got to go the other way, and I know that. My own track record, not yours, mine. Why can't you then see this or hear this or know this? At least give it a shot. Next week, tell me the difference. Listen, I hear this all the time, Matt. There's a lot of Alphys around to call me and tell me and thank me and everything else. And that isn't me they're thanking my sponsor. I tried to thank him one time. He said, no. He said you're looking at the works of God. I was looking at an attraction that God was producing, not him. And he was trying to tell me about it, trying to show me. This is a message. He's a messenger, not a message I'm. I'm a messenger, not a message. But by God Almighty, it doesn't come in time. You don't have to wait no amount of years. You don' t have to do more damage. You don''t have to be so fearful the day you're in. You can't even do the day right for your job or for anything. Man, you could be a good man today, a good-man meaning in the relationship with God, the program and the life that you live. So that inside of here... Man, I never used to... You know, years ago, I couldn't even look at me in the mirror. I could look at my face, David. it i couldn't look at my eyes you know why i seen a big liar there i was living a lie and i knew it that was me what you're talking about now see is that i when i come into the first time the first time meeting with steph so i stayed in a all the time never drink but i went through the steps and I went through them because they were a reading thing. I was told to do it. It was something that you'd look at, you'd discuss, and you'd tell the story of steps by talking and reading and listening, chapter five. But that's not what it is. There's an application there to change a character. I have to build a character in Elkhart's Anonymous. In step two, where it says that I came to believe in a power greater than self, a power bigger than me now, that will restore me to sanity. See, what that is about is learning me saying I never had a God, but it would fit any alcoholic with a god or without doesn't mean no difference because you're going to come to believe in something other than itself something that's more powerful the only thing they're doing is step two is showing me me as a power as who I am they're showing me that see because that's what it's about is to identify this power meaning me and this power that's greater me without name it if this power can give me soundness or sanity of mind there's something happening here and these are principles Now, these are truths. And then in step two, I'm going to go into three when I'm qualified to go in three by a sponsor talking to me and telling me that I can make a decision now to turn my will and life over to his care as I understood it from truth. Now, what it means is your will and your life. I never knew what my will in life was. But my will is everything I am, everything, the intellectual me, the smartness, us, the feeling man, the man that is... Everything that I represent is my will. The way I look, the way I act. And my life is what I do. This is my life right now. Your life is maybe in some office or some store or wherever it's at. That's your life. Your will is everything about you in a power form. Everything. Everything, all your feelings, all of your ego, all All of your life that you're producing comes from there. And your world now, it has to be exposed because it's step three. Step three is where it is, what you're talking about. And it talks in step three, and you know this? I never read this to any purpose or anything like that. And it says in here, then it's explained that the other steps in the AA program can be practiced with success only when step three is given the determined and persistent trial this statement may surprise newcomers who experience nothing but constant deflation and a growing conviction that human will is of no value whatever they have become persuaded and rightly so that many problems besides alcohol will not yield to a headlong assault powered by the individual alone but now it appears there are certain things which only the individual can do all by himself in the light of his own circumstances he needs to develop the quality of willingness when he acquires willingness he is the only one who can make the decision to exert himself now what that means is this man told me himself he told me he says why don't you try my god yours whatever you got doesn't see me working i said okay what is it so he told him that he has a power which he calls god he told how he prays to him he told what to say because i asked him these things i don't know how do these things and so he said to me that before you know it you're going to be believing before you pray and that's exactly what happened here's what i did i started in the morning getting out of bed i got on my knees and i talked through his god and i told his god that i'm in trouble now believe me my skin's crawling i got the door shut i don't want nobody seeing me doing that even and then i went to work and when i got to work my biggest problems at work I was a young guy, a big guy, and I'm tough, too. I was then. And I'll fight anybody, and i'll look at anybody. I'm not scared of anybody. And that is wrong, man, because I'm in trouble all the time. But while I was at work, instead of doing that, I was asking this God to belong to him, would you help me with my anger and hostility? These were two things that I had to have right away. And so I would talk to this dear power, this God that he said was there, and I'd ask him, would you health me here? Would you health be there? And I did it the best I could do it at work. I was a mechanic up here at Lincoln Mercury. I had brown eyes up here in them days. And so when I would do this, I was not talking to me. I was talking to something other than me. I was wanting and asking something other than my to help me and do these things. And in turn, things started to change at work, things started to change because I wasn't doing the things I did before. I wasn�t staying with me all day long. I wasn't talking to me all day long. I wasn' t telling me how to act all day long. What I was doing, I was asking another man's God to help me with my anger and hostility. These guys would say to me in a short time, I don't know how long but it was very short, because they started asking me, let's go to coffee next door to Bob's there and have some coffee donuts. Start telling jokes. I was slowing down with me, my brain, I was slowin' down. I wasn''t thinking too hard. I wasn't thinking too long and too much about somebody and their behavior, see? And the next thing you know, they said, Anderson, are you going to church? And I said, no. And they said well something's happening to you. This is when the awakening came to me about what this here is all about here in step three. To make a decision to turn my will and life over to care of God as I understood him. I wasn'T afraid of the word God because it was introduced as a power greater than me in step two. Another man told me he found that power, and here's how he used it. And I tried it. And the next thing you know, I was trying it elsewhere, piecemeal. A little bit here, a little bit there. And every time I did it, every time things got better. I got better, I felt better, I did better, my days were better. I was becoming somebody different than I've always been. But you see, the thing about that was even back then, I didn't know that you could have this power, this God, in all your affairs, like it says. All the time, for everything. Because you see, then I was talking to God and I was doing it and getting results. And then I'd get away from it. Then I'd come back to it. Then here, and I've been telling you tonight, why not stay with Him? Why not stay với the power? Why not use it from this moment on to see for yourself the rest of this night, this day, to see if there's something different. See if it does something different to you. See if you're maybe a little kinder. Maybe you give a little more. Maybe you're more concerned about the next person's needs. Why don't you try it and see what it does to you? Man, it slowed me down. I could put my head on a pillow now, and I wasn't going 90 miles an hour. It was helping me so much, but I recognized it. I've been at this a lot of years, man, over 30 years. And I didn't come here with this, and I didn' t learn it here right away either. But I know it's here because this is the message of recovery, not failure. This is for every one of us. I don't care if there's only one set of steps, 12 steps. You can't add a thing to it. I can't have a thing for it to make us stronger, better, quicker, or anything else. Each one of us, imagine this, 12 steps. This starts on page 21 and goes to 100, what is it? 21 to 105. 105, isn't it? Was it 100, 100? One hundred and five. Okay, 105 pages in the 12 by 12 of application . Imagine that now. How could that take you through December 13th? I'll have 41 years. How could I go 41 years on the same set of words, same book, same steps, same application, same God, same day? How could that be? Wouldn't you think it would run out of words or application or something like that? Wouldn't your sister? I think that. But it don't because it's a way of life living by the power of God, and this means principles. Principles are truth. Truths are permanent. Truths actually mean. me if i if i practice the truth of not lying i have a life now where there's nothing in there but the truth man stop and think of the rest of the truths or the principles man i'm telling you you can't have a truth or principle in your life unless you have it by by ownership by by application you can get it by thinking it you can t get it by talking about it but you can g et the results by living it and that's all the steps you're always telling me how about somebody else yeah my name is bernard i'm an alcoholic you know it's funny how this uh here we are in sherman oaks just a bit down the road is another a meeting which is literally going forward at this very moment and while here there's a powerful spiritual message message my experience in the other meeting is what i euphemistically refer to as the crucifixion of the newly arrived so i'll i'll uh i'll be frankly happier to stay in this meeting than in the other i just celebrated my first year of sobriety i achieved physical sobriete in that in that period of time and um the cravings for alcohol abated they dissipated almost entirely but i had no spiritual serenity no relief in that regard whatsoever and there was a reason and in retrospect i was responsible for the fact that there was no relief and it was the ego i wanted to be the one mighty sequoia in the forest the one in this program that would be exempt from sponsorship and exempt from the steps i i wanted it to succeed but i want it to be one of four million people in this program worldwide that would do it by himself so the year progressed and the pain grew greater and greater discomfort escalated to immeasurable levels and some people whom with whom I became friendly and grew to respect in many regards said to me you know you might want to consider two aspects of this program conscientiously addressing the steps as opposed to flirting with them which is what I've done, and you might want to become involved in a long-term, comprehensive, serious relationship as a sponsee to someone who has meaningful and long-terms sobriety. And my response to that was, God, I despise that notion, but the pain drove me there. So, Ted, Bob, you'll love this. I put an ad in the LA Steps and I said, I want a sponsor who has the wealth of Ross Perot, the serenity of Gandhi, the spirituality of Jesus Christ, and the wisdom of Albert Einstein. And there were no responses. But I'm being somewhat facetious about that. But the fact of the matter is I have a sponsor whom I like a great deal. you. I am now in a serious sponsorship relationship. I am addressing the steps, and the one piece of advice that you gave me, you gave us all, I heard from Ted just recently, and I'm actually doing that. I resisted it mightily. Just the other day to Ted, I said, yes, I want spirituality, I want growth, but not, I don't want to be conscious of God every instant of my life. Can't I go to the Chaya Brasserie, sit at a woman with a beautiful, seriously aerobicized body and a scanty dress with beautiful flowing tresses and think of very carnal and base matters? I don't want to think about God all the time. But at any rate, this morning I said to myself, I wanted God's presence with me throughout this day And I had a day of peace and serenity that was previously unprecedented. So let me conclude by saying I'm glad I came to this meeting. The mighty sequoia has been felled, and I will do what is recommended now, and hopefully I'll have the spiritual relief and sobriety that is within this program. All right. All right! I'm dead. I am a pine tree. What's been said earlier at the meeting, I just wanted to add a couple of things to it. I'm just sitting here getting a real laugh at myself. Neil, I was listening to you too. I got a new job last week and it's the, it's a great job. I got the job back that I had four years ago that I walked up to the boss and I could no longer put up with him so I quit. way. And over the weekend, I got a car. So I got a new job and I got another car. And I had the most miserable fucking day. Because I'm an alcoholic. Because it wasn't, the car, the contract, I had to get to the, I called the dealer and get that right and make sure the The loan was approved, and then I had to hoodwink the boss and go run to the bank and cover a check. And, you know, until I got that job and I got that car, about the last two months have been, when you compare it to today, have been wonderful. I mean, there's a lot of serenity. And so I know what you're talking about. I know that's, he's talking about having a jet ski and he's talking about, you know, all that stuff. It's, I got this car, I'm thinking about, I am sitting in this meeting and I am thinking about the wheels I want for the car. I can't get my mind off the fucking wheels that I want for this car. You are right. And, you now, I just want to include this, that I just know that this disease is so ... If I let this thing get away from me, if I lose for one day that conscious contact that's been really keeping me so serene and making me feel so good about myself for so long. If you get me a little bit in control and get me uptight, get me afraid, get something something new you know something to think about and i'm off again i'm off again you know i just know i'm in the right place and i and i know uh i got a ways to go thank you yeah way to go hey you know what what dan's talking about is that But the same thing alongside of what Bill was talking about there, too. And what I said before, too, is that to realize or to try or to accept or become aware of something. And what Bill is talking about is where I was one time, thinking in terms that I had to do something so special or so certain and everything else to have something. and that went about this year God is that I didn't know and I didn t realize that if I would call upon this power greater than me where I had to go, and if I would do that, I am doing something now I should do. And then if I will continually do this in all of my affairs, meaning wherever I m at, whatever I m doing, and today believe me I do this every day and I ve been doing it all these years, and what it is is that is that But I praise God. I actually praise him. I praise him, I thank him for my life, for where I'm at, the meeting here, all of you guys, everything. I talk to God this way. I talk with him and I also talk to Jesus for my health because some of you don't know but the last four and a half years I've had cancer. And this cancer they gave me up with less than 5%. And yet though they have me say goodbye to my family, my kids, and everything else. I'm not going to make it. There's no way you can make it, and so on and so forth. But you see, these aren't factors there to talk about. I don't think so anyway because I've been to hell and back before AA and during AA as far as hurts or harms or losses or anything else like that. But what I am saying is that if I can survive in AA by changing and then not only survive but change to where the life becomes good and then this is in all of my affairs, how does it happen? Does it happen by chance, by luck or something like that? It doesn't do that at all. Because what it means is that there's only one world, but I've got two concepts. There's the my concept and God's concept. And that's what I'm talking about now, is to be able to ask and be with by identification, by saying words, and then finding these words come back to me by living, by life, by goodness, by kindness, by every reason. So I don't have to be in trouble. I don' t have to b e in trouble to talk to God. that. I don't have to go to God because it's an emergency. I can do that too. But you see, it's a living God. It's going on right now. He's not a praying God. I know where do I get on my knees? He's a God that's in all my affairs. All my affairs is right now! You see, this has got to be the way it is or otherwise there's nothing but the disease again. And you know like I do, why should you flip-flop? Why should you have to keep flip-flapping? Why do you have go home and have troubles? Why do you have to go to work and have troubles, and troubles and troubles. You don't need it. Honest to God, you don't. And listen, there's a lot of things that have happened to me that are great concern. There is. And there's the power of greater than self. And there're a lot things that, man, I'll tell you that ordinarily I don't know how, I don' t know what I would've done. But anyway, the thing about this is the same theme, about trying this Alcoholics Anonymous program of recovery through a power greater than itself, who is God? These are words out of the book, out of this sketch. These aren't the words that I make up. This is what what I do. This is what I'd do for my life. But nobody would help me get there. And there's no such thing as a long way to go, Dan. There's no place like that. There are no tomorrows. If you don't do it today, you haven't got the damn thing. You see, this is all about today's living life. There're no tomorrows, there's no yesterdays, there're no banks to draw on, there' s no future that you're going to get ready for because what about today? day. Today is when I get in trouble. I used to drink like that. I didn't drink for yesterdays or tomorrows. I got drunk on the day I was in. This is the same thing as a program recovery. Man, I want this life. When I was drunk, I wanted that life. And that means what? That means the participation game. Man, we have to get in there and get it, you know. And this is what I'm talking about all the time. Because every time, now you study what I said said before about tomorrow, or tonight, from on in tomorrow, is to try to see if there isn't something that you can do by associating your life to a power greater than self and see what it does for you. See what it doesn't allow you to have a little better thoughts, a little more kindness, a little bit more giving of somebody else's needs. Whether it's just a good thought doesn't make no difference. At least it's going there anyway. That's what this program is all about this is why i don't have to drink before everything i did i had to drink there's no way i could live and then aaa doesn't teach me how not to drink it teaches me how to think so i don t have to pray man this is good news somebody else want to close hi my name is steve i'm an alcoholic thank you bernard i thought i was the only one I was a lot sicker than you were. I've had a really bad three months, and things have been real bizarre. Last August, I took a cake and it got me back into meetings, and in going to these meetings I kept hearing people saying how much better their life was in sobriety and how much richer things were. And I thought, well, I've got five years now. I've had two divorces. I lost two houses. I made a major career change and nothing seems to be getting any better. I wonder what's wrong. And as I started looking at it, I came to the realization that I had no program whatsoever. I had five years of not drinking, but I wasn't working the steps. I was doing it all by myself. And in five years, I'd never had a sponsor. I'd I'd never done anything right. I just managed to stay sober. But all the benefits that you've spoken of, I didn't have. I was able to stay dry, but all the reasons I drank just manifested themselves in other things. I saw a psychologist recently that told me exactly the same thing. He said, in your first year or so, an issue would come up and you would think, I'm going to drink over this, and I would deal with the issue. As the craving to drink went away, then I would just stop that feeling and it would come out somewhere else. I'd do some insane behavior or some sort of denial because I wasn't addressing it any longer. Why? I wasn'T working the steps. I had no program. Fortunately, I got involved with a wonderful woman who at least this morning I got to talk to you about. Stop, stop, stop. But she's got seven years on the program and has kicked my ass a bit. Now, now, now. Let me say it. And she made it very clear to me that she would not be my sponsor. It couldn't be my sponsored, but I better get my ass back to meetings if I wanted to have a life with her. So I started going to meetings, and one of the things I did was I got out my book and started trying different meetings and going from meeting to meeting. I've never been to this meeting tonight. It's my first time, but it was in the book, and I thought I'd try it. And I'm really glad you're all here, and hopefully, you know, I found the sobriety of some sort. I'm not drinking, but maybe by coming here and doing all of this, I can find my soul and find my heart and get my life back. Thank you very much. All right. We've got a little bit more time on the side to pass this to Jim Vintz. Jim Viltz! Yeah! I'm an alcoholic, and my name's Jim Finn. And when Dan mentioned the car, it reminded me, when I walk out of where I'm living now, I got a couple dogs that they think they're piranha fish sometimes. And if I get past them out to the front yard, I've got this truck. And if all four wheels are up and it's level, and I know God don't fix tires or trucks or anything, but I get grateful going to my truck. And if it starts, I'm more grateful, you know? And when I get out that driveway, I'm God-conscious, just from those little things, most of the time. The other morning there's some jerk out there in the yard, and I said, can I help you? He says, I am an estimator and I want to see what this property is worth. And I said well I'll go get the owner. The guy wasn't there. And I say okay, what's left? I don't know the guy's phone number but what's left is me and Kathy have a phone number we live on the property and I gave him our phone numbers and now it's Kathy the owner and I just told them who we were we lived on this I said you're about a dumb son of a And when Bob was talking about the guy around the corner and being ready for him, you know, there's how my alcoholism manifests itself. If you act right, and if you act semi-intelligent around me, Well, we just have a good old time here. And then just out of the clear blue, man, me doing the best I can. If you were to take me, I'm going to call you a name and I'd kick you and hit you. Can you imagine what kind of trouble I was in before I found this message that we have here? Guy, I was at a world of shit. And most of the time today, it's okay, thanks. That's pretty good, Jeff. That's all right. Excuse me now. No, it was Roy. It was Roy, yeah. It was Roi. Oh, yeah? It was me? We need a couple of guys to clean up the gym and pick up the cigarette pops outside. This is a preschool for children during the day, so we need to leave it as we found it. Tony, tape announcements. Good evening. My name's Tony, and I'm going to announce Holly. Thank you. On the 13th and 14th of November, we're going up to San Lorenzo again for a retreat. It's a meeting similar to this, but it goes on for three days. Great. No break. Great. It's pretty full up. If you want to go, bring a sleeping bag. $95. $95, yeah. Yeah, $95 on a sleeping bag will get you up there. It's really special. If you've never been there before, I would suggest you try to make it. That's all from me. See you next week. Thank you. Well, I want to thank everybody here tonight for helping out and being here because we sure need you. This has been a real good meeting, I think. And happy birthday to Richard there again. Yes, sir. That seven years means an awful lot. After a moment of silent meditation, can we close with a large prayer? Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. And lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil. For thine is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever. Amen.