Nothing Is Worse Than Your Mom’s Head Full of Al-Anon – Billy N.

I just wanted to remind everyone that we will have time for questions, but first of all, we're going to move on to our second speaker, which is Billy N. from Atlanta, Georgia. And I'm just going to unmute you, Billy. Go ahead, Billy, welcome. Hi, I'm Billy. I'm an alcoholic. You can hear me? Thank you. Got it. it uh my sobriety date is january the 5th of 1990 my home group is the alfreda unity group i want to thank the committee for asking me to come here tonight and speak on the subject of what i believe is three legacies not third legacy so um it's a strange time for the world a strange times for alcoholics anonymous um you know i think i want I want to start off reading. I'm a big, big student of Bill W. I think he was amazingly tolerant and patient and visionary. Sometimes I think us in AA, I always like to say we have one book, our edition of the big book here, that there's an asterisk in it. And it lets everyone know that we have over 2 million members in the United States and Canada. And then we have another book called The 12 in 12. And there's a line in that book that says that pretty much our biggest problem is defective relations with other human beings. And that means we have 2 million people who don't get along with people. people. That is quite an organization to keep on track, and these three legacies, I know how I view them. I view that the steps are our message, the traditions protect our message and the concepts perpetuate our message. It's very simple for me to think of them that way. um but i sometimes we're our own worst enemy and maybe out of all of this a lot of aa unity will come about i love this letter that bill wilson wrote he might as well have written this letter to me like three months after i went to my first joe and charlie big book workshop when i became on fire and did it wrong uh but he wrote to this guy on june 23rd of 1964 he might as well have been saying dear billy but the guy's name was bob and he says dear bob our way both as members and groups of practicing the steps appears to vary from time to time. Many of us lack thoroughness, which most evidently you do not. I'm very glad that you have had such good results with the approach you made. I only have one suggestion. This would be to avoid trying to force anyone into your particular approach. Your example of good results is apt to be much more effective with others than your insistence that they They conform to your particular interpretations. Most alcoholics seem to be all-or-nothing people. We go to extremes. Either we want perfection by next Thursday, or else we want only the barest bit of AA that will keep us sober. Experience seems to show that we can go broke on spiritual pride or on unreasonable rebellion or just plain apathy. a plain everyday desire to make some progress is usually the best and safest bet however don't take what i say as gospel you and everybody have the right to practice a as you wish this is spiritual freedom may god bless you ever bill bill was such a genius um really really as we talk about the three legacies the first thing i want to say is is there's a special memorial issue of two grapevines that you can get your hands on. It comes in a white-like package. It's the edition of the month Bill died, January of 71, and the month that Bob died. You can buy both those grapevins. And inside the January of 1971 grapevine, the one about Bill W., he goes through the three legacies. That's actually a separate piece of literature you can buy from our AA office, The Three Legacies. But what really gets me going probably is I wish people could be a little bit less extremist, myself included. Included today in today's world, AA groups are not able to meet in a lot of places. But doesn't that go to what Don P used to always talk about? The difference between a group and a meeting? You know, meetings, loosely gathered meetings that are not connected to the service structure or the office or whatever. They have no connection with the people outside of that meeting. I kind of, you know, it's hard for me to think about those people now. Because a home group, an AA group, really the least important hour of the week or two hours of the week is when they meet. When they meet, we hope they have a quality AA meeting. But what makes them a group is what happens when they're not meeting, is what are they doing between? I'll I'll give an example. In America at one time, I don't want to get into a debate about prayer during this. I don'T have enough time. But just for example, a lot of meetings used to start with the serenity prayer and end with the Lord's Prayer. That's just how it was. And Don P. used to always say you can judge a meeting by what happens between the serentity prayer prayer and the Lord's prayer. But you can judge a group by what happens between the Lord's Prayer and the next time the Serenity Prayer is read to open the meeting. Because what is the group doing between meeting times? Are they connected to AA as a whole? Are they connected with public information work? Are the bringing meetings into detoxes or correctional facilities? Do they gather together and celebrate each other's anniversaries and get together with their families, that's what makes an AA group. And in today's world, AA has become so big that we have meetings that have no real attachment as an AA group. But our triangle is equilateral for a reason. And there's some great writing that Bill has written about our great triangle about service, unity, and recovery. And, you know, it's equal for a reason. Nobody gets to say one is more important than the other. I'm sure there's some members of Al-Anon on here. In fact, one of my heroes, Larcine, is speaking later on, I think. But, you know, sometimes I think, I'm going to guess a lot of people on here have seen one of the AA-related movies. The My Name is Bill W., Bill W. Lois Remembers. And in all of them, there's a scene that everybody remembers, that I think is so important about our three legacies. remember that bill got sober the last time in december of 1934 and in the spring of 1935 before he went to akron um bill was not happy and he there's a scene in all these movies of bill and lois in the kitchen in brooklyn And I love Al-Anon. My mother was a member. I always tell the joke that some people say there's nothing worse than a belly full of booze and a head full of AA. That's not my story. My story is nothing is worse than the belly full of booze and your mom's head full of al-anon that's my story and but the al-anan version of that movie that everybody remembers is lois asked bill what's bothering him and what's bothering him is he hasn't been successful in his there wasn't even a 12 step yet but he was doing 12 step work and it wasn't he wasn't successful and everyone remembers what lois said which was, but Bill, you're still sober. That's all that matters. And a lot of people will take that to the line in the big book that says when everything else fails, strenuous work with another alcoholic works. But imagine if Bill never got anybody sober. There would be no AA today. So the legacies depend on each other. We need to make sure that that equilateral triangle. I think sometimes the difficulty is not everyone is a great speaker, not everyone has a great meeting chairperson, not everyones a great treasurer, not everybody's a great GSR, not Not everyone's a great trustee, but we need to celebrate and embrace and love all sides of that triangle, that we need all of it. Even if you're in a home group, you know, I tell people all the time, they say, well, what can I do? I don't really like district meetings. I don'T like service meetings. People are surprised, but my answer is don't go to them. I mean, if you don't like it, don't go. But what you can do is make sure that your group has someone that is going so that your group is connected to the center of Alcoholics Anonymous. A lot of the problem I see in today's especially service world is what I would call legacy skipping. skipping. And this happens because in a lot of places, a lot of newer people tend to be GSRs. And a lot of people go through the big book and stop there. You know, Don P. used to talk about the big-book renaissance and revolution that happened with a lot lot of people you know and if you look at joe and charlie's history but one of the things don used to talk about was if we don't get these people through the traditions after they go through the big book we will just have a lot of one legacy members who don't understand the other 24 spiritual principles and i'm not even a person who says everyone should know what the concepts are. The concepts Bill put together and were published in 1961 are a way for AA World Services to carry out their business. Now, some people will say, well, you can apply them to your life. Of course, you Can apply any principle to your Life. But from an AA point of view, what I've seen happen is a lot of people, even people who have been through the big book go into service. And And in service, we tend to only talk about the concepts. And so my experience has been is you can't really embrace and understand the 12 concepts of Alcoholics Anonymous without beforehand having been through the traditions with someone who's been through the traditions because we even throughout the concepts is a lot of language that says refers to principles that we already have. have. And Bill was talking about the traditions and the steps, split hairs about whether the 12 concepts are 12 individual principles or whether they're an expansion of our steps and traditions in a way to carry out AA's business. But I am the last person to tell anyone they have to be be involved in Third Legacy service. There's an old speaker, I hope maybe I'll get a shout out, you'll go look his tapes up online, Cliff R. from Oceanside, California, one of my favorite speakers. He has passed away, unfortunately, but he used to always talk about the gifts. Some people can answer a phone in a group office and talk an alcoholic off a ledge like nobody's business. Some people can drive people to and from a meeting, and in that 15 minutes work miracles. Some People Can Take Someone Through the Big Book in Their Backyard in a Spectacular Way. Some People can Serve as Directors or Trustees and Have Vision for AA Going Forward. Cliff used to always say that there's no sin in Alcoholics Anonymous except not finding out what your gift is and once you find out what your gift is bringing that the best of your gift every day to alcoholics anonymous um i uh am very curious about what's going to happen with a going forward because as i look at the literature around the world the surface literature why are we so behind the times Sometimes there's no service literature where WebEx or Zoom is mentioned. We talk about old web-based online meetings, but I think we're going to find such—I'm not against—you know, listen, I want to go to a meeting like anybody else. else. I want to have contact with other alcoholics. But just think of all the unknown possibilities. I don't know about in the countries of the people who are outside the United States, but in our country, prisons go on what we call lockdown. And when a lockdown happens, No volunteers or visitors are allowed in. And a lockdown can be for one hour, one day, one month, one year. If there is a security disruption to that facility, nobody's allowed in And just think of all those facilities that have security issues. If we can meet with those wardens and we can get Zoom or WebEx or any other platform up on a large screen TV on the wall, and a couple of AA members from outside can bring an AA meeting to those men and women who are incarcerated. Just think about homebound, the elderly and senior living facilities and nursing homes and people who have recently had surgery and people who are sick. I'm not saying we want to go to an all online profile, but what I am saying is next year at this time, I hope there's a way that no matter where anybody lives, they can find out when the local district-hosted online meeting is so that if you're sick or you broke your leg or anything else. There are so many purposes we can harness. I think, though, then our legacies come into play. I mean, think about sponsorship. Some of the earliest embracers of FaceTime are long-distance sponsors in Alcoholics Anonymous, because there's something extra about being able to see the person you're talking to. I even myself have been very vocal saying, I'm glad for all these conventions, but I hope sponsorship families are getting together. i hope that it's not all big rah-rah aa conventions going on i hope that there are people who are taking 10 people through the big book what a better time to dive into aa literature than right now with what's going on in the world what a better time maybe go through the traditions but i see so many purposes of of what we can do with this technology if we use it the right way. Now, if we use it in the right ways, it means embracing all three legacies. I believe, I'm a person who believes and I've thought about technology for years because I was an area delegate when I was 32 years old. The average age of a delegate in America is 57 in the U.S. and Canada. When I went to my first general service Conference in 1999, there was no row at the back for people who had laptops for electricity. In fact, I was not allowed to open my laptop at the General Service Conference. Today, that would be laughable. But I think about that and all the possibilities of what we can do with this technology, because I'm a person who believes that we can embrace technology and we can also embrace our traditions. I want to read something that Bill W. also wrote because I think he was a genius. Nothing matters more to AA's future welfare than the manner in which we use the colossus of modern communication. Used unselfishly and well, it can produce results surpassing our present imagination. Should we handle this great instrument badly, we shall be shattered by the ego manifestations of our own people. Against this peril, AA members' anonymity before the general public is our shield and our buckler." I've heard so many kind of crazy things about AA and online platform during this time in regards to our three legacies, our concepts, our traditions, and our steps. I think of something that Tom I. Again, I'll throw another speaker plug out. Tom is ill and been in a facility for a long time, but he's one of my heroes. But Tom, you know, was an inmate that became a warden. And some would consider him the father. I would consider him the father of corrections work in the U.S., he would never consider himself that. But I remember a discussion he had with a warden, and this warden wanted the traditions bended or a couple of them left out so that more people could be included inside the facility when they had meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I've always remembered Tom's answer because he said it doesn't matter whether we're talking talking about inmates or homeless or a banker who came out of his big office on Park Avenue into a church, into a meeting. Everybody deserves to get Alcoholics Anonymous. Not half of it, not AA Light, not 10 Tradition AlcoholicsAnonymous. Everyone deserves to to get all of Alcoholics Anonymous and yet I see people I I see now people have gone I even had to tell someone about myself like we would never during before this pandemic send out flyers for our convention with pictures of the speakers because we honor the 12th tradition and the the humility talked about there but yet i see secret facebook groups and they're posting now pictures that look like vegas marquees i didn't even know until somebody a couple of people sent them to me and i was like wow we have some people who are saying well throw all the rules out we'll just help everybody no no we should conduct our meetings by all 36 principles we can have have an open meeting by Zoom. We can have a closed meeting by Zoom. Um, we should be able to make announcements just like we do in regular meetings. I would hope that the online chair people in Zoom or WebEx have, uh, meeting information for other 12-step fellowships for it. I'm a big believer of not kicking people out of Alcoholics Anonymous, but I'm also a believer and getting them the help they need. You know, our three legacies is the greatest gift that our founders left with us. I want to tell a quick story. And I want to give a shout out to my friend Noel Noly from Ireland. Noly is somewhere in the Middle East right now in a nato peacekeeping force noli's a great member of alcoholics anonymous from ireland and uh you know sometimes people talk about the third legacy and they're like oh that's politics and that's just aa politics and i don't like that and you don't have to like it but what separates us from everybody else is we don't take anyone else's money money. We make sure that we take care of Alcoholics Anonymous. And that money is supposed to be used not to write more guidelines and more handbooks. That's supposed to be miracle money. That's opposed to be life-saving money. That money is suppose to be use to carry sufferers, the alcoholics we're not reaching yet. And I love telling the story of Jay. because in the early 80s, Jay wrote the General Service Office and Jay was a young Marine and Jay was sent to a place called Lebanon to Beirut and Jay had no A literature with him and Jay wrote The General Service Officer through the military mail and the woman at the General Service office sent Jay a big book and a letter and Jay wrote back like a month later and said he was so grateful but would she please send more literature and the lady at GSO wrote back and sent him another letter and more literature. And the next time Jay wrote back, he used Bill Wilson's words. He said I have good news to report. Like the the words out of the big book. Good news. He said, I've started a group here called the Peacekeepers Group. And it's made up of people in the service that I'm with and some locals. And we gather in between the shelling and the bombing and the shooting whenever we can, and we have a meeting about Ballot Synonymous. But he said, I really need more literature now. Can you send me a lot of literature? literature. And so they went back and forth for a while, and they didn't hear from Jay for a couple of months. And then they got a letter in the military mail again to GSO, and it was from another member of the peacekeepers group who said they had the heartbreaking job to let the woman at GSO know that the young Marine they had been writing to had had been killed in the barracks blast of late October, where 270-plus Marines were killed. But she wanted the woman at GSO to know the group was still going, that it was still meeting. And my friend Noly, who's in the Middle East right now, the last time he was in the middle east, he called me one day when I was washing my motorcycle. He said, Billy, last week we had some time off and I went to Jay's meeting and I told everybody there how proud I was to be at Jay's meeting. This thing that we have here is so special. It started on a wing and a prayer. I'm not even a person who believes believes that I used to be a person who believed that when the people in Akron said, welcome home, they were the birthplace of Alcoholics Anonymous. Since I'm a New Yorker, I would be the first person to say, no, no. New York is the birth place of Alcoholic Anonymous and New York went to Akron and that's how it all started. But I really believe the birth place of alcoholics anonymous is a place called Worcester, Massachusetts. And I believe that because in 1909 a college called Clark University was having a celebration of 20 years being a university and they invited famous people academics from all around the world and one of the people they invited was Sigmund Freud the most famous psychiatrist at the time and Sigmun Freud brought with him one of his young interns and protégés. That would be Dr. Carl Jung. He carried Sigmund Freud's briefcases to that trip to Massachusetts. And while Sigmun Freud was making some very important talks that are well documented today, Carl Jung was standing outside, and he by chance ran into a man named William James, the great American psychologist who wrote The Varieties of Religious Experience. And up until that point, Carl Jung was a die-hard Freudian believer. And William James spent time talking to him telling him that over the history of time there had been certain people that had complete psychic spiritual upheavals that completely changed their way of life, but that the problem was they were as rare as getting struck by lightning. When you think about that, that Carl Jung then breaks away from Freud and later meets Roland Hazard, who later meets Ebi Thatcher, who later meet Bill Wilson, who later met Dr. Bob, job, it's amazing the miracle that Alcoholics Anonymous is. And the last thing I want to say, if you're like me and sometimes you think AA gets in the way of your life too much and you don't get to golf enough or ride your motorcycle enough or go to rock concerts enough or whatever you like to do, and if you are like me, and your brain tells you that what's getting in the way of me enjoying my life. The brain always comes up with the same answer, Alcoholics Anonymous. I need to cut back. I need to believe that hype about balance. And I just want to close with this. Let's not forget that in 1998, the editors of Time Magazine got together and they gathered together a committee of the smartest historians and history professors from around the world not AA archivists not AA historians just the smartest people in the world when it came to history and they said in 2000 we're going to publish a new book and we're going to call that book the 80 days that changed the world so we need you to start on January the 1st the 1900 and end today that's a lot of 365 days times 98 and they said we need you to identify the 80 most important days of the 20th century and if you get on ebay or amazon tonight and you order that book the 80 days that changed the world you will go about 20 pages in and you will fall on mother's day 1935 where it says on this day a broken stockbroker from new york met a broken surgeon from akron And from that meeting led the birth of Alcoholics Anonymous that has not only saved millions of lives but has shared their solution with other people and other fellowships that have other problems. And that's really the question I need to ask myself. Do I treat AlcoholicsAnonymous like it's one of the 80 most important days of the 20th century? Because if you go a couple of pages before or after AA in that book, you'll see what it's compared to. The wall coming down in Germany, somebody landing on the moon, Martin Luther King's I Had a Dream speech, Jackie Robinson being the first black baseball player in Major League Baseball, women getting the right to vote. That's what it's being compared to. And the real question about our three legacies is, are we treating them equally and are we holding them with the care that Alcoholics Anonymous is a God-given miracle? Thank you very much. Thanks for asking me to speak.