The Difference Between Should Not Drink and Could Not Drink – Bill W.

Do you know how people look at you when you ask them if they've seen Bill W.? Well, I found him this morning. Now, Bill W., our Bill W. today is from Chicago. He drove down. And he's very unassuming, very humble. I asked him to please, since we only had such a short time, since i only found him this morning to please tell me something about himself and he said well he said, well he would just tell you about himself. And then he said no but I really don't know what I'm going to say. I'll let God do that. Um I asked him several times how long he'd been sober and he says I'll be glad to tell people. He said I only try to tell them if it will help them. My birth date is December the 2nd, 1945. Well he has a lot of... I know he has alot of wisdom to share so at this time I'll turn you over to Bill W. thank you very much will all of you join me in a few moments of silent prayer that we may pray for this nation and all nations the leaders especially especially, that we may pray for the suffering alcoholics all over this land and country. That we may praise that whenever one asks for help that our hand will be there. well we pray for those that came the distance here to this convention that they may go back home have a safe journey back home and especially pray pray for me. Thank you. I am Bill Williams from Texas through Chicago. There was quite quite a confusion here a few years ago about that Bill W. because when our great founder, co-founder of this wonderful fellowship and society which he so lovely like to call it has, then one Sunday when I went to the club they had, no one Wednesday, Thursday one when When I went to the club, they had a sign up there that we're going to have a memorial service for Bill Gilbert this Sunday. And I told them, you're a little premature yet. This is Bill Williams and he's still around. And he's going to live to get 110, so you've got a long time to wait to have memorial service from me. So now you know this is Bill William, so You don't have to get confused about which bill it is. from Texas to Chicago, which is a long ways to Owensboro, from Texas, the cotton field of Texas, where everything is bigger and better. Can you hear me back there? Thank you. I may not say anything, but I want you to hear what I'm saying. You know, everything is big. bigger in Texas, and a couple of guys was arguing one day, and the guy was talking and boasting. And you're not boast about anything in Texas. You know, we just tell the truth. That's all. And he was talking about he knew a guy that was so rich in Texas until he flew his own airplane. So a guy from New York said, that isn't anything. We have a lot of people up there that fly their own airplanes. He said, but in their house? And another was talking to an individual and he was amazed that he didn't drive a Cadillac. He drove a Volkswagen, and he asked him, say, is it air conditioned? He says, oh no, but I keep a couple of them in the fridge there occasionally. So we do things a big way in Texas. I could go over a long list of the things that tell you that my life was unmanageable and I won't attempt to go through, at least I don't think I will. I never know what I'm going to do and I was right. I'll never know I'm gonna say when I get up here because I never knew when I was going to drink. I was strictly a periodic, and I never knew when I was going to start. And once I got started, I never know when I'm going to stop. I used to go in those drunks and I'd stay from two days to two weeks, and when I get off, I'd see all the way from two weeks to six months. So my talking just about like that too. But I'll tell you a little story about about the town drunk in my little hometown of Longview, Texas. And they had what you call those shotgun houses there, and it was about a half a dozen of them in a row. And the town drug lived in the last one down the line there. But, you know, in Texas we don't lock doors down there. We didn't then, you'd just go in. And everything was big. and this guy, unfortunately, would always go in the wrong house at night, two, three o'clock in the morning. It was very embarrassing to the people and his wife. It didn't bother him at all. So his wife decided, says, what I will do, I will get a lantern and get me a red bulb to put around it and put it in front of his door and so maybe he'll find this house. so that night that day he really put on warning he was coming in home about 11 o'clock that night and he staggered up there and he looked at the street light up there and he could see that sign and he smiled with an awe of satisfaction he says yes I know this is the right street because I can see it because I don't know because I see that lantern in front of my door down there it's got to be the right place and he snagged on down there and walked on in. And we didn't have electric lights. We had what we called coal oil lamps. You call it KFC 9. We didn't had these little bit of little book matches like that. We had long matches on a stick. And so he'd come around in his pocket and find one of those and he struck one up there and he'd look around over in the room and he looked over there and he smiled. He was really happy. He says, I know I'm in the right place because there's my two children laying over there in the bed. And that match went out, you know. And so he flum around and found another one. He struck that one up and he looked around over here. And he was really happy then. He says, yes, I know that I'm in the right house because there's my wife over there in the bed. And he said, this has got to be the right place because there I am in the bedroom with her. but he said the confusing thing to me is who in the hell is this standing up here and that was just about how confused I was when A.A. found me I didn't find A.I. put this thing up there how's that none I don't want to have to stoop over it's no problem being up here as I said I didn't find I had never heard of Alcoholics Anonymous I don't know if I'd ever heard the word I'm pretty sure I haven't I had Never Heard the Word Alcoholic because what they called me from Texas through in Chicago wasn't that nice a word they just didn't call me anything like that and I don' t think I'd Ever Heard the Word Alcoholic and I won't say the things that were named that they called me. And they'd call me that so long until I began to believe it and I thought that's what I was. Because, you know, words mean an awful lot. You can set them to somebody long enough and they'll believe it even if they know you're lying. Just keep saying it. And even you'll believe it said long enough. So I drank myself. I started at a very early age of 15 as my my first drink i can remember it even if it was this morning because anything happened 20 minutes ago i've forgotten it you know but uh i i have heard people talk and i have tried to find some excuses for me being an alcoholic i always need a fall guy i try to have somebody i have a little tailor shop and there's something wrong i always blame it on the girl or the press or the cleaner or somebody. It's never my fault. And I have tried to go back over my life and try to figure out why am I an alcoholic? What happened in my family? But I couldn't find anything. Nobody drank in my home. We never even around Christmas, you know, when everybody had a license to drink around Christmas holidays, but we didn't even drink then, the people. It just wasn't a thing to do. Never had friends over, nothing. I had never seen alcohol in my house at all until, and I shall never forget it, it's something that's in there, but I remember my first drink and I remember the last one. I don't remember all the stuff between. But my first drank was the September, the second Sunday in September 1919. So you needn't bother about trying to figure out my age. This guy must be old. Well, I am. I'm a senior citizen in everything that I've been into. So you don't have to, everything I belong to I've Been Into a Long Time. Everything. But we, in Texas there, in this place, we used to have, and I guess we still do, what they call revival meetings, but they called it something else then. Anyway, when we're out in the country, most of you have heard the little place Kilgoat, Texas, where the Rangerettes are from. Well, this place where I was going it was a little other side of there and so my father had brought me a t-model ford so i carried a group of people out there to this revival meeting and you go and you stay all day well our mechanic had a big old long car about half as long as this building almost seemingly at that time and he had a load and i had aload and you stayed all day. Well that day after we got there Now, he bought, we still have in Texas something you call commissaries. You name it and we got it. Anything you want, you got it in that commissary. So this guy bought some apple cider and he decided that we would drink it. And we did. But the weed didn't get drunk. Hell, I got drunk. Well, I had never drank alcohol, so my stomach, somebody was talking last night about your stomach didn't want something, you know, and I think hollering. And if you keep on trying, it'll accept it. Well, mine didn't reject it all right off the way. I accepted that and it tastes good and it's kind of sweet, but I didn't like it. And, of course, later on that day, it was in September and it was hot in Texas and you didn't use your thing after your stomach held it for a little while, it came back. And I laid out there in my T-model Ford and by 8 or 9 o'clock that night, well, I was able to drive it back another 30 miles home and bring the people. Well, I know now at that particular time I lost something. That very day, that Sunday, I lost something. Prior to that, I had a choice of what I drank. I could drink soda pop, water, milk, or what have you. But once I drank that alcohol the second Sunday in September 1919, from From that point on, for the next 26 years, I had no choice. I had to drink whether I wanted to or not. And since I've been sober, I knew evidently that I had to drink it because I never liked the taste of alcohol. Even from that point onwards, I didn't like what it did to me. I didn' t like the way it made me feel. I didn''t like nothing about it, alcohol. But I drank it for 26 years. Now, a number of things happened to me in those 26 years of drinking. Some of it wasn't too bad because I was young and I could get drunk tonight, wake tomorrow and soap up and drink the next night. But that went on and on and until it began worse. I was a tailor by trade. my father was an undertaker and when he passed the undertaking shop went over to me and of course I worked with it but with that drinking you just can't continue to stay in business you can't make enough money to stay on business when you drink and I got disgusted with it and I drank up four funeral homes I went in and out of business four different times there there. I drank up two homes. My father gave me a house and a lot. Then he left the family home there for me. I got on a drunk, and I gave the house in a lot of ways that he gave me. And I got another drunk, I spent all my money, and wrote to my sisters and brothers and told them that I was in dire need, and they signed a quick claim deed. I pawned it and I never did get it out. I drink it up too. But I could go on with a number of things that drank me up, but the thing that drank me away from Texas was this. I was the treasure of my lodge. Something familiar about that? And long around September where they collect all the annual relief that goes in and my My wife was in Chicago. Chicago is a place that I never even wanted to visit. I never wanted to visit. I had two brothers that lived there and I'd never come to see them. But my wife was in Chicago at that particular time, visiting them. So we collected this relief and after the meeting was over the wishful master asked oh well, we'll go and have a little drink. You know, he shouldn't have done that. And we had had a little drink. A little drink, doesn't it? They say everybody saying a little drink won't hurt you. That's correct. It won't. But who, where's an alcoholic that want a little drank? So anyway we had a little drink and he went on home. My wife isn't home in anything. Of course it wouldn't have made much difference. I don't guess if she'd been there. Once I started drinking, I always had to be someplace else. I was never satisfied no place. I I had to be somewhere else all the time. And with her being out of town, well, that helped, you know. So I continued to drink. And the next day I decided that I wanted to go to Shreveport, Louisiana. I had some friends there. And I had just bought a car and paid one down payment on it. And I happen to remember that if you take a car across the state line and haven't paid for it, you could be in trouble. So some of my marbles were still even working then. So I parked the car on the side of the street and put the key up in the sun visor there and I went on to St. Louis, to Shreveport, and called up the owner and told him where the car was. I didn't know I wasn't coming back, but something must have told me that I wasn'T coming back. I stayed in Shreveport for two or three days, and the guy that I ran up with, and we were drinking there, he liked to fight and I liked to play, so he started a fight and got put in jail. So I stayed there long enough to get him out of jail. And I decided, and you know right then and there, I should have known that I was an alcoholic. I had been in school with a guy from Greenville, Mississippi. And I left Shrevoort, left Texas, and went to Greenville. Mississippi, so you know I had to be an alcoholic to go to Greenville, Mississippi. And there's a dry state too, but you know something happened. I found alcohol as soon as I got there. They had a little place called the Buoyage Cage and I found it. And I stayed there for a couple of days and I decided that I wasn't going back to Texas. Well, you know, I didn't have that relief money, you know, and those people's money, it just wasn't safe even though we were brothers, but it wasn't saved to go back there, I didn't think, without their money. And I didn t have it. And I read in a paper where they wanted a tailor and a presser in Memphis, Tennessee, and I went on to Memphis, Tennessee and started to work. My wife came home, she didn t know where I was, and she got sick. and I called her up and told her where I was and to come to Memphis and she came to Memphis but she didn't like Memphis and we stayed there for three months I said well where are we going I said I'm not going back to Texas, not now even though the money had been paid because I was in business with another guy and I had a very good business there, making a lot of money. And of course he paid the you know the money off what I'd taken but you know you just can't face go back right then if something won't let you. So she said I kind of like Chicago. Well I had no choice she didn't want to stay there even though I didn't I came to Chicago back in 1936, and things were tough in Chicago. People would can salt and pepper around in their pockets in 36 and 37, and they'd cut your finger off and eat it. and I couldn't find no job but fortunately fortunately I was able to get a job and I stayed there and I worked but I kept drinking and I finally opened up my little tailor shop and I kept on drinking and finally the World War II came on and I started making a lot of money I was making more money than I could drink up and spend So I was giving the other to my wife And being a Because in being a periodic I would go five and six months without a drink And I didn't think I was going to drink anymore And my wife didn't either So everything was fine at home But I knew I couldn't stop when I got ready So I put all the money in the bank in her name and I just wrote check but she had to sign them and I didn't mind that because I didn t want to be a complete bum and I knew this you know cuz I was I'm a fool with money you know and then I knew that and I was worse when I drank I'm still crazy with money now you know I don't have no regulations you know no no nothing as long as I got it it goes I never asked what anything calls until until after I get it. Just give me that if I like it, and I'll pay it. So I got this little tailor shop and I started working there and I continued to drink. And I was just about to drink that up and I went to my doctor. I knew I had a problem. And the doctor told me, he says, son, if there were any medicine to stop you from drinking, I would give it to you. I wouldn't sell it to you . And I knew then if I went to Dr. Davis, and that is my doctor's name, and he was my doctor in Texas. If he didn't have the answer, nobody didn't. So I just felt then that I was going to drink myself to death and had gotten to the place that I would be hoping it would be soon because I didn't like what was happening to me. I didn' t like what happened to my wife. I did not like what would happen in no place in the neighborhood because I'd go in those drunks and I just wasn't to be found. I wouldn't go home. I wouldn't do nothing. And naturally, you know, you didn't bathe and wouldn't eat because no respectable alcoholic will take a bath or eat to spoil a good drunk. So I didn't do none of those things. And finally, I had bought a house and paid for it while I was drinking because I gave my wife all the money. Because when I'd go on the drunk, all the money that I would have is what I could pawn my clothes for and my wife. You know, I'd always keep my watch and my ring because I could get that any time of night, you know, and borrow it because I couldn't get no money out of the bank. I tried that once, I tried to forge a check once, you know, but I got away with it once. But that next time I think I was a little too drunk and when I signed her name, you knew, the guy looked at me mean? And he didn't say nothing, you know, because he walked in the back. And I don't know how he got hold of my wife that quick. In a few minutes she walked in. And I went on home with her. Well, naturally, that's the thing to do. What else is it? You know, you don't want to go to jail. I'm trying to afford the check. You know I can't afford that. But I kept on drinking and finally there was a man rooming with us, and I had never heard of Alcoholics Anonymous. There's a man rooming us who'd read about AA, Alcoholics Anonymous in a magazine. And he showed it to my wife. And she looked at it out of New York. She said well maybe we'll write them so Mike can help. And then Then she, because all of her marbles were there. She wasn't like me. She was all there. If it's any good, Chicago being the second largest city, she said, it's got to be in Chicago. And she looked in the telephone direct and she found them. And she called them. And they said, oh sure, we can help you. She said, but if not me, it is my husband. He said, well he will have to call. She said uh-oh. She said that guy won't call. She said isn't it anything that you can do? and they said well so we can send you what was known as the beginner's kit some literature and maybe he'll read that and it might say something to him and they sent that in one of their pamphlets so you can't stop drinking by elga brown i'm sure you have that the other one they don't make it anymore it had two big a's on it she never said a word to me when she got it she just laid it on the dresser and i saw it but i wouldn't read it because i wouldn figure to be nothing in reading that would help me you know because she had tried to get me to go to unit and then make pledges and that well i wasn't going to make no pledges because i would know i'd break it so i wouldn do that and i wouldn read unity and i would read none of those things although i was a sunday school shooter and i was in sunday's school every sunday and still lives there every Sunday except when I was drunk and being a periodic you know it is only maybe two or three times a year when I pull those drunks you know so I was there but I wouldn't read that so on my last drunk and sometimes somebody told me once says why do you know that's your last drunk well see when I came to Alcoholics Anonymous it gave me a choice and I can stay sober as long as I want to and today I choose to stay sober. So on my last drunk, I had been gone for two weeks, I have been drinking for two weeks, I looked a heck of a lot worse than I do now because I didn't eat and I didn''t bathe as they said. The only type of cleanliness that I would do was shave and put on a clean white shirt nothing else and oh yeah I would get a manicure and I haven't had one since. I think I need one but I'll get around to that one day too. But I'd always, 90% of the time when I was on one of those drunks I'd get a manicure. I don't know why. But all ladies are beautiful but some look little better than others and usually it's always pretty good. I'd think maybe I just want to look at them. That probably was what it was, but I don't know anyway. But on this last drunk my wife was on her way to the doctor and usually see if I leave home with my car I didn't come back with it, but if I'd leave home without my car I didn' go back to get it on the drone. So this particular time I left home without my card so I didn''t have it and I was walking on my way to get another drink. I was strictly a bottle drinker and you never saw me, you would never see me without a bottle in my possession unless I just drank it and threw one away on the way for another. Because I couldn't afford to wait until somebody else decided to let potter up and buy a drink. I couldn�t afford to do that. So I was on my way after another drink, and she saw somebody cross the street. And she said, �There's got to be Bill because nobody walks that class but him.� And she ran and caught me and laid her hand on my shoulder and said, says, Bill says, why on earth don't you stop drinking? And I came up with a boo-doo-boo-doo and I said, baby, why don't you help me? And she looked up at me and said, how in the hell can I help you when you won't stay at home? And I went home with her that night. And she didn't go to the doctor. She finally was able to pull me into a bathtub and get me to take a bath with her help. And then I got in bed. I didn't sleep well when I drank, so I was always run down. I was sick. I never stopped drinking until I got too sick to stop drinking. I mean too sick to drink it. I've never stopped drinking because I got broke. Because no respectable alcoholic will stop drinking because he gets broke. And so I never did. But that time I went home and the next morning when I woke up those two pamphlets were laying in a chair by my bed plus Plus my glasses, because she knew I wouldn't be able to see it if I didn't have these, my cheetahs. And she was out and going to this little shop trying to keep it open until I come back. And I picked up those pamphlets and began to read them. And I read both of them with its entirety. And I said within myself, these people act exactly like I do. I said, I think I'll go down there and see if they can tell me what I want to know. Show me how to drink control. and that's what I wanted to do. Even though I didn't like it, I didn t want to stop drinking, but I didn d want to get drunk. I wanted drink liquor and not get drunk, and that s a pretty neat trick. I haven t found it yet. So I got up and put my clothes on and caught the streetcar and went downtown to that office, but I was in such a bad shape till I had to stop on the way down there and get me a pint of liquor to be able to stay on the street car. I just I took a drink. Well, I knew I wasn't going to get drunk then. I knew I was coming back home any other time, you know, starting. Then I knew I wouldn't, but I knew then I was. This was a matter of necessity. I had to have that stay. So I went on downtown to the office and it was one guy just ahead of me and he went in and I heard the lady say, I'm sorry mister, there's nothing we can do for you. Well you know know, sometimes we judge people by their dress or what have you, something like that. And I looked myself over and I remembered what he looked like. The guy was cleaned up and dressed and he didn't look any worse than I did. And if we were both there for the same thing, if they couldn't help him, they couldn'T help me. So I got nervous all over again and I had to go out in the washroom and take me another drink to be able to stay there so the lady could tell me that same thing which I didn't believe that she could because nobody could tell the guy they would had the greatest gift that God had ever given to humanity nobody could tell me that nothing you could do from it but anyway I stayed there anyway I got this drink and a few minutes she called me in and asked me a few questions I don't know what other than my name address she asked me one question and I lied I know that she asked me if I wanted to stop drinking and I said yes and I thought didn't want to stop drinking but I I figured that was the only way to be able to get in there to get what I wanted. So I said yes. He says, okay, you're going back home. Somebody will be out to see you. Well, you know, that I didn't believe because if that had been in Texas, I would have believed that. But I had been here for a long time and I had lived in Chicago long enough to know that that you get without any money wasn't worth very much. And they didn't ask me for any money. So I knew, would nobody be out? Why shouldn't he come out there, you Know? And nevertheless, I went on back home got back into bed because I was in really bad shape and this is on a Saturday night and you know to my surprise two guys came to see me that night that I didn't believe was going to happen and they talked with me and they talked to me and he told me about Alcoholics Anonymous and told me all about it and that I had worked and all of that wasn't impressed at all it just just wasn't saying nothing to me. Well, all that talk, they were nice guys. But the only thing that said anything to me was one of the guys says this, says alcoholism is a progressive incurable disease. And if you want to do anything about your drinking, it's total abstinence. I'll keep on drinking until you get ready to quit. Well I virtually tuned them out at that point. they kept talking. And I remembered when I took my first drink and I brought myself up and I tried, I was in bad shape but I could think of that. I brought my self up like in five year intervals and see how much I was after five years and after the next five and on up to now. Well I couldn't stand me now. But what do I do if I'm going to get worse than what I am? So then I was willing to accept this program because I didn't want to get was not because I wanted to stop drinking, but then I knew it wasn't going to work. The reason that I knew wasn't gonna work because before they left, they told me about some meetings. So we have to make meetings. We make meetings and of course at that time we only had one meeting a week and that was on a Wednesday night and we were meeting at the homes. So this is Saturday night and make meetings you know if you ever been said you you know, so close but yet so far? Have you ever driven out where those mountains are and you look like you see a mountain over there and you looks like it's just about 100 yards but you can drive an hour and a half and you still didn't get through it? Well, that's the way that seemed. I thought I had something at first but now I know I don't. But nevertheless, I had no choice because they didn't have anything else. So when they left, both of them gave me their telephone number and said, give us a ring tomorrow. So that Sunday morning when I got up, a little later on, I called them and I let the telephone ring I didn't want to talk with them I didn'y want to talk to the guys so I let the telephone ring once and I hung up I said I knew the guy wouldn't be there so I done the same thing with the other guy and it rang once and I hang up and I didn''t want to talk with him I said I knew he wasn't going to be at home but I sat around the house all that day Sunday wondering the only thing that was in my mind how long before I'm going to be drunk again because I knew this program wasn't going to work because i had pictured how the meetings would be i pictured that we would be sitting there with a bunch of drunks in a semicircle and it'd be some guy sitting up standing up there giving me the old one two and i figured he'd be weighing around 225 i don't know how i came to that figure and telling me what i had to do if i wanted to stay sober and i knew if somebody told me something like that i was going to leave there one night and get drunk because see See, I'd never worked on a job long enough to get a vacation because bosses that I always worked for told me. Never asked me anything. They told me what to do and I couldn't stand to be told because the only time anybody ever told me something and I did it without any talk back was my father and he'd been dead since 1924. So I didn't do things people had told me so I knew it wasn't going to work but I had no choice. So then Monday morning, usually it took me about two weeks to get over a drunk. But then Monday morning I was able to go to work, I was able to eat. My stomach wasn't so anymore. I don't know why but it wasn't. I was all there with the exception of one thing. I were sick in the head and I was miserable that Monday Tuesday and Wednesday wondering how long before I'm gonna be drunk again. And then I made that last thing that Wednesday night there was a meeting. It was six guys, in fact about eight of us at at that particular meeting. It was six guys there, members of the group, and I was there at the age of 41 and there's a kid there but the age or 21 at that meeting. Nobody told me nothing that I had to do. They told me what they did. I didn't have to come back if I didn' t want to. I didn''t have to stay sober if I din' t want to. I didn ''t have do nothing I didn´t want to do but this kid was asking a lot and I think even still they are valid questions you know because we associate drinking fun with drinking if i'm going out to have some fun you know we use this alcohol see the non-alcoholic drink the alcohol but the alcoholic uses alcohol for purposes so if i'M GOING OUT FOR FUN I'M GOIN' TO DRINK IF I'M GONNA DANCE TONIGHT AT 10 O'CLOCK I STARTED DRINKING AT 3 O'CLOCK THIS AFTERNOON TO GET READY TO GO TO THE DANCE AT 10 O' CLOCK TONIGHT SO THIS KID CONTINUED TO ASK QUESTIONS HOW AM I GOING TO ENTERTAIN MY FRIEND How am I going to have any fun? What am I not going to do without the use of alcohol? And at the age of 41, I began to wonder how in the heck I was going to be able to live with it. And he was wondering how he was going able to life without it. And I began feel sorry for him instead of feeling sorry for myself. And that told me this. And I begin to think of him. See, I needed AA at 21. I needed it because I started at 15 and I was an alcoholic from the woods said go, it just got worse and it went long but I was never able to drink with control I was ever able to say come on boys let's go that's enough I've never said that in my life I always stayed there but I began to think if this chap was able to accept this program tonight like I accepted it right then I knew it wasn't going to work but I accepted him if he was able to accept this program when he got my age how much more of himself would he have and I started feeling the hope but I never did see him anymore he never came back so they told me this is what we do we make meetings regularly we don't unnecessarily tempt ourselves we learn our limitations we don' t go over them like one guy said any place he'd go if he's uncomfortable two minutes he's been gone one minute. So if you go someplace and you're uncomfortable, leave, you know. So it said, learn your limitations. And when I learned that, I thought about a story I heard on about your limitation. It was two guys visiting a particular tavern every night. And one guy, every so often, every night, he'd get up and leave. But this other guy stayed there until they threw him out every night, closed up the joint. And so one particular night he asked this guy, he says, say, brother, I notice you're here every night and a certain time of night you get up and leave. How are you able to do it? I can't do that. And he looked around over there and said, you see that woman sitting over there? He says, yes. He said, isn't that the ugliest woman you've ever seen in your life? He said、 oh, well, you know, you don't like to tell women it's ugly. Women aren't ugly. You know, he said, but she is a little homely. He says, Homely? Hell, isn't that the ugliest woman you've ever seen in your life? And he had to agree, yes I agree with you. He said, well I sit here and drink until that woman starts looking pretty to me and I get up and leave. So it's only one kick to that with the alcoholic. Harlech, you can't drink till that time because the first drink you get, they'll put it to you. So we can't take the first one. But we learn our limitation. The thing that we associate and deal with, you know, associate with drinking. There's only one thing in the world that I associate with drinking, only one. Out of all the vices that there are out there, it's only one of them, and that's gambling. Gambling and drinking is synonymous with me, so I don't gamble. Somebody mentioned a while ago, you bet this elder will be there? I wouldn't bet that. I wouldn't bet nothing, you know, because they're synonymous with me. So then as I said they gave me a quick tip card and said work the program. Worked the program that night. I saw the possibility because uh the guys were nice that night and they said work the program so we do it one day at a time. We ask God of our choice to help us to stay sober that day and at the end of the day we thank him and you say we make only one pledge and that pledge is we pledge that with God's of our choices help we will not drink today regardless to what happens and then we start to practice in honesty and of course they said at that time said alcoholics are big liars but I don't believe that we just little careless with the truth. So I started off to doing that and little later on a guy came in later and he stayed for a little while and he said he was working the program and I wondered what did it mean because I wasn't working the problem, I was there, I would begin to think that that guy's sponsor gave him something that they didn't give me because I wasn't workin' anything, I were just going to the meeting but I was sober but anyway I graduated real quick fortunately I didn't have nobody to to sign the diploma, so I couldn't stop. But I told them at the meeting after I was there for about three months and I told him, I said, you know if I had known that I was an alcoholic that I couldn'T drink, I'd never had to come there in the first place. See, I didn't know that I COULDN'T drink at all. See, the church of my choice and my wife and my friends, the one thing that they told me, and they'd told me that for years, Bill, you drank too much or Or that you shouldn't drink. My church told me something, you shouldnít drink. But when I got to AA, they told me I couldnít. Well, itís a different thing in what you shouldní do and what you canít do. And thatís what they told Me. But, uh, and they told ME to work the program. Well, I didnít know what it meant by working the program, the steps made absolutely no sense to Me. I read, I could read them, you know, and I read them over and read them again, but they said absolutely nothing to Me, So when somebody tells you that you've got to get into those steps and work them right away, you can tell them that Bill Williams said, hey, you don't have to do it because I haven't had a drink since I made my first meeting and I didn't do a doggone thing about those steps for three years. Because the reason that I didnít, they didnít make any sense. So I ainít going to work on something that you donít know how to do, you know. I canít play hockey. I donít know why to play hockey, it doesnít make no sense to me. I can play football if I was, you know, physically able enough. You know, I could play baseball, but hockey? I don't know nothing about hockey. So the steps didn't make any sense to me, so I didn't bother them. My wife asked me once, says, Bill, do you take an inventory? I said, no, why should I? You know? Don't take no inventory. Because of the fact is, she had told me for years, and I believe her, the only thing wrong with you is that you drink too much. Well, as I said a minute ago, out of all the things that could be wrong with a guy, isn't there one wrong with me? I drank too much and now if I'm not drinking, you don't have to be smart to figure that out. There isn't anything wrong with me. So therefore, when I was drinking, and as I say a while ago, as a sober, when I sober two or three weeks, I didn't think I was going to drink no more and my wife didn't either, so everything was hunky-dory at home. We were happy, And that's the one place I have to be happy. I don't have to feel happy here, because y'all are going to kick me out pretty soon. I don'T HAVE TO BE, but I am. But I have TO be happy at home, because that's where I live. And when I sobered up, I wasn't happy. I was sober for three months, six months. I was miserable at home. I got to the place I didn't want to go home, because I was miserable. I was just sober. I was dry, or whichever one you might call it. You know, I'm not smart enough. I don' t know which one is which very much. But I know I'm in pretty good shape today. So I kept on and kept on, and I said, I began to wonder if it was worth it being sober because sometime I was happy then. Now there's no happiness. I'd go home. I'd hate to go there because the only thing that made any sense to me were those six guys, and they were there, and they drank like I did, and now they were sober, and that made sense to be the steps was nothing. So finally, I was able to accept the second step by saying this. Maybe I was a little insane when I was drunk. You know, it took me three years on this program to find out that I wasn't saying anything. But I was unable to accept a step that way and anything had worked. Heck, don't fix it. And that was working for me. I was enabled to accept that step and I just went on in my merry way. but you know after three years God gave me a little of my sanity back without asking for it and I began to realize I said well maybe it was a little something wrong with me besides that I drank too much because the fact of this anytime an individual will wait which I don't like to do I'm actually lazy, wake, which I don't like to do, to make money to buy the necessities of life and some of the luxuries and take that same money and buy something that he doesn't like to make him feel like he doesn'T want to feel and make him sick. You've got to be nuts to do that and I did that for 26 years. So then I began to realize that it must be a little something else wrong with me because when I used to stay sober them five or six months, I was happy. I didn't want... I was just as happy then as I am now. You know but I just never knew what I was going to do. I didn't have no program. I was naturally happy. I just didn't drink then, regardless of what happened. I didn't drank. And then I began to wonder why didn't I stay sober some of those times? And God gave me enough sanity back to remember this. The reason you didn't stay sober none of those time because you didn' t do anything about the guy that had been done the drinking. You just moved the liquor from here over there. That's all. And as soon as the opportunity presented itself or something happened within this bony brain of yours, you went on back and got to drink. So then I came to the conclusion that if I wanted to maintain my sobriety, I had to rebuild my life to fit sobriete and the thing that I had to rebuild it with was these 12-step cards that that guy gave me three years before. And then and only then did I begin to make a little sense to me and I began to apply those principles to my life And I began to attempt to try to make the guy out of me that I would like to live with sober. And when I started to work on me, you see, I was taking my wife's inventory because, and I wouldn't wish that on no worse enemy. Men, if you haven't tried it, please don't do that. I took my wife'S inventory and I was taken her inventory because if we weren't happy at home and there wasn't nothing wrong with me, it had to be her. so I was trying to change her so she could fit in with my life that's what I kept and I kept it to do that and I was miserable you know and I'm so glad that I didn't I'm too glad that God didn't give me that kind of power strength or nothing he gave me something but he didn't give me this because see I've been married to the girl for 52 years and she's just like she was the same day I married her she still tells me when to to go, when to, how long to stay, and when to come back. I don't always do it, but she tells me. Because when I got ready to come over here, she said, you come back Sunday. No, no, told me to come, told her to come by Saturday. I said, baby, but there's no plane leave out of there. The plane leaves out of the Saturday at 12 o'clock, around 1230. And they asked me to came over there and stand around in their way until at least 130. Well, when can you get out of there? And I said, the next day. Well, you'll be on that one, you know. I will. But, you see, as I say, I'm a tale of a trade, and I've even made... See, my instructor told me when I was in school, say, you can make a pair of pants where if it don't fit one guy, they'll fit another. But you can making a coat where it won't fit nobody. I didn't believe that, but I did. I made a coat watch and it wouldn't fit nobody. I gave it away. So if I had instructions in making clothes and make something that don't fit nobody, then what in the heck would I do with trying to remake a woman over? I'd never—that was my purpose. I was going to re-remake her. Take her—I took her in you know, I was going to change her. But I didn't, and I'm happy that I didn'T because I like what I married 52 years ago. And I'm still happy with that same girl. I don't know how she stayed with me, but she did. She told me later, said the only reason I stayed with you is because I knew the guy without the drink and if I could ever sober him up, well, I'd have a good husband. I hope she has one. But I kept on going to these meetings. After I began, I began to wake on me and I began to find little things about me and I begin to continue to do that and I begun to turn my will and my care over to God see God will see I ask him I only ask for one thing that's sobriety and I was sober or somebody said sobriete you were just dry well whichever I wasn't drinking alcohol and if I don't drink alcohol I'm not in such a bad shape because there isn't a single sober day bad is no drunk day I've ever had. So if I'm not drinking, I'm in pretty good shape. So I kept on making meetings and I kept going and I began to start working on myself. And I began trying to change me and I begin to try to work with other people to help others. You know, I was a terrible 12-step man and I used to make a lot of 12-steps calls and on the first thing, I used cast some of the older fellows with me and then later on I I would get a new guy with me because I wanted somebody with me that didn't know as much as I knew. And I thought, and this is something about that, when you get too much in self. See, I went back and joined the I company. You know, I can do this and I can doing that. And I taught that I was the best 12-step man in Chicago, even exclusive of Bill Wilson. So I shall never forget this. this. I got a 12-step call one Saturday afternoon, and I told the girl that worked for me, I said, I'll be gone exactly 45 minutes. And if you've ever made a 12 step call, can you ever time it and know how long you're going to be there? But I did. I figured it would be 15 minutes to go over there, give that guy 15 minutes of my good number one Bill Bill Williams AA, and 15 minutes to come back, and that's 45 minutes. And I went over there, and this guy had been on the drunk for five weeks, and he was in bad shape. His wife had put him out of the room back in a little cubbyhole there on a cot, and all of his bottles and cans and everything was around there. Well, that didn't bother me, but he was really in bad form. He was in really bad shape, and I went there, and I talked to the guy, and That's what I mean. I talked with him, and gave him 15 minutes of Bill Williams AAA. And when I got through, I asked him, well, what do you think about it? He said, I don't believe a damn thing of nothing you said. Well, can you wonder what that doing to a guy like me, Bill William, the greatest gift that God had given to humanity, can you wander what that did to me? Well, now, I'd heard people and still hear people say, I made 12-step calls and I failed. And I think most of them mean that they make the 12-stepped call and their person don't accept the program. Then they failed in my sight. But if I had walked out of there then, I would have failed on the 12-step cause because that man was more confused then because he thought he got help and he didn't than he was when I got there. Well, I hadn't asked God for any help. I hadn' t prayed. Bill Williams had the answer, he thought. And I just couldn' t leave and only then did I ask for God's guidance because to me this is a spiritual program and you need Him. see he know about the other guy but I didn't you know I didn' t know too much about me so anyway I prayed and I asked for God's guidance and give me something to give to this man and then instead of talking to him I talked with him and I found out that there's a difference all beforehand the man is sit there with his head down then he began to look up and he began ask me questions and he And he began to ask me, all he wanted to know was how to keep from taking that next drink. And I would tell him what a beautiful life he's going to have on this wonderful program. And he wasn't interested in that. And then when I began to talk with the guy, and when I left there, he was in pretty good shape. And I said, and I'll call you back tonight when I get ready to leave. And I'll come by tomorrow, which was that Sunday, when I'd get out of church and I'd talk with you some more. And I did. And then I went by that Monday and I talked with him some more and that Tuesday night the guy was able to go to a meeting. And I got the message over. But it wasn't mine. And I'm very grateful for that because it took me out of myself. See, this isn't... What did it say? Carry the message. But this is my message. Because I tell you before we get to that it says after having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps We carried the message and I had no spiritual awakening. I had it then when I found out that I wasn't the greatest gift and I was able to carry this message. What did I continue to do then? I continued to wait on me. I began to learn something. And then I had been running it long enough then to want to maintain this sobriety. Because I was looking all beforehand. As I said, I was look at those six guys in there and I wasn't looking at the steps. And you know, I had to learn something. You know, i like to fish a lot. And I learned that I need something to hold me. See if you get out there in this river to go to fish, you got to have a heavy anchor. If you got on a boat. Because a light anchor, you're on that water and it'll just be carried right on down the river. river. And I remember that I was up fishing once up in Wisconsin and I had a couple anchors on my boat but I just threw the light one out. And, I was out there and I was catching fish and I caught fish like mad and all of a sudden I wasn't catching anything. And I wondered what was happening. And then I looked over there and there was a tree way up there and it was all in front of that tree and I didn't move down the river. See? Well you can't find no spot in the river, you look in the water, all of it looks the same. But But I knew something was happening. So then, you know, and I likened this into that. I said, now, I've got to get something that will hold me because sometime I might call my sponsor and he's out of town. Or I might called one of the other members and unfortunately he might have gotten drunk. Or he just may want to be bothered with me or what have you. And I need something on this program that will live longer than I am in order for me to be able to maintain our sobriety because I found something then that I wanted. him. And I wanted to be able to maintain it because I had lost it so many other times. And I began to think about it. I said, well, maybe I'll tie my sobriety in with my minister. And then I happened to remember that I'm a Baptist by faith and we harm and fire them at will. So we're Baptists and if we hadn't fired a guy, then he wouldn't be interested in me no more. and then i thought about my wife and i knew she loves me and i know she does but you know i have known women to leave men for other things other than alcohol you know because one guy one lady quit her husband because he came on the program and wouldn't drink with her and she quit him and divorced him so i said no i better not try this to put this anchor in sister Mr. Williams, I better tie it in something that would live longer than me. And in the Bible it tells me that God says I'm Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end. Well, then he'll be here when I'm gone. So I can kind of rely upon that, you know. And, you Know, I begin to think about that some, and I thought about something that kind of ties into this strength together and how wonderful man is. And you know, when God made heaven and earth, he just spoke, and there it was. He spoke and there was an elephant. He spoke, there was a lion, and he spoke. And there was water, and He spoke in all of these things. But you know with this unity, when He got ready to make man, You know, He could have, but He didn't. And I think that's a lesson for us, that we need to be together. He said let us make man. He wanted somebody together to let us make man and they made man and formed him out of the dust of earth and breathed in him the breath of life and man became a living soul. He took that unity, took the three, Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost and they made man. And so that means that man is somebody who ought man that thou find mindful of him. So then we needed that and even when the founding of this program, you know it took that unit and you took that togetherness because see Bill himself wanted to have AA Bond in New York he was around there and he tried he tried for a long time but it just didn't happen and he came to Akron and he found out that he had to have somebody else and then when he got Dr. Bob the two of them then and here we go and we end this wonderful fantastic program as of today and for that reason we are all here today. So it took that unity, that togetherness and that's what we have. So then when I began to continue to work and to work on me and trying to make a type of individual out of me that I could live with sober and I continued to start to make meetings and I begin to find out the little, little thing that's wrong with me and do something about them. I began to do something. And then the first two steps told me something then. The first two step told me what was wrong with me. I was powerless over alcohol. My life was unmanageable and I was nuts. That was actually wrong. I went to the hospital one day and I was so in hurting of the pill and I hurt and had a pain the doctor wouldn't give me nothing he started to examine me i said i had a hurt in here that's all right i'll take care of it and he examined me for three days and found out i had an ulcer then he gave me some medicine he dropped it on me so he didn't do nothing so you know i was just going there and i was staying sober but i didn't know exactly what was wrong and so then i began to find out what was wrong and then the third step gave me the answer and if i turn my will of my life over to care of God as I understood him. He knows my problem, he knows how to take care of me and that was the answer. And of course the other steps we know that maybe the fourth fifth sixth and seventh step I have a Bill Williams problem and with those I works on him because I got God to help me in the third step and I I worked on Bill Williams and then 4th, 5th, 6th and 7th steps and I straightened my life out fairly well then. And by that time I began to get tired because I was working on me and I said, I'm in pretty good shape now so maybe I can sit down. But then somebody read someplace where it says half measures avail us nothing and I think the Ten Commandments say if you work all nine of them and guilty of the ten you're guilty of all. So I didn't want to be guilty of oil and I was lacking this sobriety so I wanted to continue to maintain it. So then I learned in eighth and ninth step, I had a people problem. And I had to get myself right with people. And then I got myself right with people, and then if I'd been able to work the fourth step, and good enough, I wouldn't have needed the tenth. But I wasn't able to do one thing when I finally got to the fourth step after three years. I wasn' t able to but one thing that found a little something wrong, but I wasn''t able to admit it. And I think the tenth step says, I think it does, says something I will promptly admit it. And I had never been able to admit anything much. But after I got through that and I straightened out my people problem, I was able to admit it in the eleventh step. I began to find out what God wanted me to do. And I kind of invited him to put him right into my life and it wasn't something sitting way off over there. but like if I go on a job if you go on the job and you like the job you want to know what the boss wants you to do because you want to stay there and this is God's program so when in that I want to have a conscious contact with him to know what he wants me to do because I wanted to maintain my sobriety and be happy while I was doing it and he told me in the 11th step what he wanted me to doing I had that conscious contact I know he's here right now if he wasn't I wouldn't be here that may not be a blessing to none of you but it's a blessing to me that I'm here today and then in the twelfth step don't do like I did at the time when I only been around for a little while I've had that spiritual awakening and God directs my life and he tells me what he wants me to do and I try to do it the best of my ability and with God's help I'll be able to do it. I can carry out those messages that he wants us to carry out because God is to me he is it's a couple of things I'd like to leave with you I don't know how long I'm supposed to be up here I didn't I didn t ask him because I didn' t want to be watching no time but it's the couple of thing I want to say because none of the other I didn know I was going to say, but these two I did. And one was the price of a drink. If there are any alcoholics in this room, because I'm the only one that I know that's here. And that's who I'm going to address this to, the alcoholics. If you have your right marbles and they are in the right place, they aren't scattered, and if you go to buy a watch and you know the price of that watch is $150, and you were all there you wouldn't pay $300 for that watch, that price would be too high. If you go to buy a home and that home was $50,000 and you know that's the actual value, and by the same token if you were all there and you had the marbles and they were in the right place, you wouldn't pay $100,000 for that home, that price would be to high. And I could name a number of things that you wouldn t do if you You were all there. So now back, if there are any alcoholics in this room, and if you ever decide to take a drink, don't get in a hurry because they're working overtime making the stuff so you don't have to be in a hurry. You sit down and think of the cost. Now I don't mean the price of your fifth of your choice liquor because anybody that's working on ADC or aid, once in a while we can afford a fifth of our choice liquor. So that isn't the price that I'm thinking about. The price that I'm thinkin' about is the price to drink it. Can you afford that price? Now I'll tell you something would happen to me if I would take one drink today. If I would take one drink today, my wife would be expecting me tomorrow around 4 30. I wouldn't be there. I would continue to drink here until I drink up the other photosynth that I have in my pocket and I would be able to con some of you and let me have some more money to keep drinking and if it didn't I'd pawn my wife, I'd find a pawn shop, I'll find some way because I said at At the outset, no respectable drunk alcoholic will stop drinking after he gets broke. So I would continue to drink until I would be too drunk to drink anymore. Or the police would find me and put me in a jail or a hospital or detox center or something. William Dover there would find мне and throw me into one. I would continued to drink till I do that. That would be two bigger price to pay for one drink. So I'm suggesting before you take that drink, if you decide to, find out what it would cost you if you take the drink. I want to name a few things that would happen to me. Because see, I got on the drunk once and walked to jail and asked the guy to lock me up because I wanted to stop drinking. So see, a whole lot of things could happen to to me, you know, when I drink. But those are just some of the few things. So you think of the thing that would happen to you. And if the price is too much, don't drink it. Do just like you would about anything else. Don't drink It. But if the prize isn't too much, you go ahead and drink it and I'll be here and I keep this guy Larry here until until you decide to come back, and we will welcome you back. But don't do that unless you get a guarantee from God that he'll be able for you to come back. And then when you get there, you can drink it. I'd be here because I'm only able to get 110, and I'm 78 now so I'll get 110. I've got a long way to go. So, I would like to close this with this idea here. Proverbs 18.24 says, There's a friend that sticks it closer than a brother. So with that belief, I stand firm on this. God is my best friend. He cares about the things I care about. He loves me even when I am unlovable. He is always there to listen and advise when I need to talk things over. God is My Heavenly Father. He holds me in the palm of His hand. He watches over me as the apple of his eye. He wants me to grow up to be like him. God is my rock. He is my refuge when I'm afraid, my strength when I am weak, my sure footing when I stumble. Some. God is my shepherd. He finds me when I'm lost. He gives me the rest when I am tired. He leads me when i don't know which way to go. That's been a lot of times. God is my physician. He mends my heart when it is broken. He restores my peace of mind when I'm upset. He heals my body when I'm sick. God is my savior. He forgives me when I let him down. He delivers me when i'm in danger. He saves me from the trouble I bring on myself. self. God is my source. He is my bread when I'm hungry, my water fountain when I am thirsty, my bank even when I m broke. God Is my Lord. He Is the ruler of my thoughts, the inspiration of my words, the initiator of my action. God is my everything. Who is he to you? God bless you all. Thank you.