The Discipline of Calling His Sponsor Every Single Day – Bill S.

I am a recovered alcoholic my name is Bill Smith and it's good to be here first of all I'd like to thank Alan for asking me to come out and speak tonight today it's always an honor to be asked to do something with AA it's a pleasure also and it is a privilege to be able to speak in Alcoholics Anonymous to have have attained some amount of sobriety through the steps of AA. My sobriete date is January 16, 1995. My home group is the Mount Rainier Group of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I won't say that it's the best group in AA because Olivia might beat me up after the meeting. So I'll settle for second best today. And I do have a sponsor, a good sponsor, a strong teaching sponsor who taught me the steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. He did what what he was supposed to do. He's a big book man. And needless to say, if I knew he was a big-book man before I asked him, I wouldn't have asked him. But that God does for us what we can't do for ourselves. I had no knowledge of what the big book was about and what the program even was about when I asked them. So that's a good thing. and as was stated Scott stated I'm from Washington D.C. I grew up in Washington D。C. born and raised from a large Christian family in Washington I had eight sisters eight loud talkative aggressive girls can you imagine two other brothers but eight and these girls they knew everything and they let you know it. You know, I think about the ways families and houses and homes are set up today and how ours were. We had one phone line, one single phone line and I never, very rarely got to use the phone. Today you have two or three lines in the house but at that time we had one line and I can remember those girls fighting over the phone And I made up my mind pretty early in teenage years That if I wanted to talk to a girl, I had to go see her That was as simple as that because I'd never get the phone And I didn't have the personality for it Because I say all that because they were talkative They seemed like they knew what to say I didn' And if I had a hint of what I wanted To say, I was reluctant to say it because I might step on your toes or say the wrong thing or do the wrong, you know, the wrong thing or get some kind of negative reaction. So usually I kept quiet and to myself I was very introverted, low self-esteem, very low self esteem, low opinion of self. Didn't think what I had to say mattered much. Didn't think that you would accept me if I said the wrong thing. Very afraid of rejection. So I was just the opposite of these eight girls I just talked about, you know? And there's nothing wrong with the way they were. It was something wrong with me. That's what I'm saying. And I went on through life for quite some time that way um trying to get your uh friendship trying to make you like me and accept me because i didn't want to be rejected i didn'T want to feel like um a loner or that uh nobody wanted to be bothered with me so i did you know and as i stated i would i grew up in a christian family uh we went to church on a regular basis and stuff like that so there were some principles set in there early on, some principles to go, you know, to abide by, you Know, honesty and don't tell a lie and, you Now, don't hurt others and stuff like that. But at some point, as I look back now, at some Point in my life, I decided against, to go against these teachings. And basically the main reason was because of you, because what I wanted from you, I wanted your friendship. And I wanted, you know, you to like me. And the kind of guys I hung around with, you know, they weren't living by these principles. Simple as that. So I had to set them aside in order to do what I wanted. And that's the way it was. It was just about doing what I wanted to do. I wanted what I want. I wanted when I wanted it. Simple as THAT. I had a hard time going up, bottom line, and being responsible. a hard time accepting things about truths about myself, you know that I'm not six feet five and I've never played pro basketball, you know. But I went after these fantasies and that's just an example of the things I went after and all I thought about or I wasted, not wasted time, but I spent a lot of time in areas that I could have spent better time doing something else, such as studying, being an A student maybe, you know, not an A or B student, you know. But I spent time doing things that didn't bring me any joy, any happiness, or that I could attain but uh getting back to these guys that i hung around with there came a time and point in time uh in the teenage years early teenage years when they started drinking and um you know they get uh to get their money together and they they get on the weekends just on the weekend and so i wanted to be like them i wanted To be with them so i put my little money in too because i had a paper route so i had something to offer and i put My little money and we'd get a six-pack of beer. Remember those little country club malt liquors? And they weren't, it wasn't a tall can, but it was a small can, but they packed a wallop. That's what I liked. You could drink one of them compared to two 16-ounce slits. About the same thing. Because I didn't necessarily like the taste of this stuff, but I liked what it did to me. And that's what i was after. So on the weekends, that's when we did. We said, oh, we can't decide to do that. And we'd get together and we wouldn't say, let's go have a beer or let's socialize. We'd say, Let's Go Get Drunk. Simple as that. That was the purpose. I mean, what's the sense of drinking if you're not going to get drunk? Sloppy, fall-down drunk and have a good time. We had a good times. But, you know, we just, no matter what happened, we had a good time. The next day, my head is all messed up and I'm hugging the toilet bowl and all kind of stuff like that. I had a great time. But I had it a good town. And that's just the way it was. And if you think I'm wrong, ask any man that drinks. He ought to be able to handle his liquor. You ought to be able to suffer the consequences of a swollen head and having to hug the toilet bowl and can't get out of the bathroom because you've got to go back again in a few minutes. But it's like that's just the way it was. Doesn't everybody do that? Isn't that the way you're supposed to be done? And that's the way I thought. That's just The Way It Was. And I did that for a long time. I remember in high school, you know, and we'd go to football games and basketball games and stuff of that nature, and we'd get the liquor. You know, by that time I graduated to Bacardi Rum, you know, because liquor got you there quicker. And I knew that, see, I could drink these country club ball liquors. I had to drink about six of them at that time. But if I just took about five or six drinks of this Bacardi rum, wow, you know, I was there. I mean, it's like I could get there quicker. I mean it was just as simple as that. And, of course, I didn't like the taste of it, but once I got past that first drink, it seems like the second and third went down real easy. It just went down quicker with no problem. You know, the burning sensations settled down and all that kind of stuff. So I was getting the hang of this drinking stuff, And I felt like a man, you know, because I could handle it and I could drink with the best drinkers. And we'd be at these basketball games and these football games and we'd get our bottles and we shout and root for the home team. And sometimes we'd shout obscenities and stuff like that. But, I mean, if I wasn't drinking, see, I wouldn't use that kind of language because I was taught better not to, you Know, use foul language around grownups. Because there were parents, some parents were there and some faculty members and stuff like that. But once I got to Drayton, didn't care. Didn't care about who was around or what they were about because I was having a good time. It's about me, isn't it? Self. And so I went on and on and own. And later on, I remember going to – I went to college. I went to this small town college in Tennessee, and it was so small a town that they called it a dry county. That meant that they didn't serve liquor. They didn't sell liquor. They sold beer, but they didn'T sell liquor, and I remember on the weekends we'd get out money together. We'd get the beer and stuff, and us experienced drinkers, though, once in a while we had to have some liquor, And at that time, of course, nowadays most college kids got cars to drive back and forth where they want to go. We didn't have cars, so we had to rent a car because 40 miles down the road was Knoxville, and they had liquor. It was a big booming town, and we knew we could go there and get our liquor. So we put our money together, and мы drive 40 miles to Knoxville. Take the orders from the dorm, everybody in the dorm. Anybody wanted liquor, we took their orders, and WE drove. to Knoxville and got the liquor, and came back. Now I had a driver's license but I never drove. Reason being because I was going to be drunk by the time I got back. I knew it. So why would I want to drive? I even lied about no, I don't know how to drive, you know, because I won't get drunk. And I managed to do that each and every time. And And I'm just giving these examples to let you know how much drinking meant to me, how it gradually took on certain effects, took on greater effects and greater proportion, I'll say. And it got to be a time when I didn't want to do anything without drinking. I didn'T want to go to a party. I didn't want to go to a wedding I didn' t want to go to our funeral without either having it having drank before and or carrying it with me or knowing it was going to be there that's just the way it was in Bill's story he talks about liquor ceasing to be a luxury and becoming a necessity that's what it did that's where what happened to me you know I can identify with Bill's story at first I couldn't this stockbroker in New York no stockbroking on Wall Street but the feelings and the things he went through up here it's like whoa me and this guy are more alike than I care to realize you know we were we're a lot alike the more I read Bill's Story the more I tapped into the fact that you know what you got a problem you are an alcoholic because even in coming to Alcoholics Anonymous and I'll tell you about that I didn't really think I belonged here I didn's really really think I had a problem and I was going to get enough information from you experienced people that I was able to go back out and drink successfully socially I was smart You know, I'm going to be all right. I'm gonna get all this information from these, these guys, you know, because they got the information and they're going to show me what to do and how to do it, you know, but, uh, and Bill's story also, it talks about self-knowledge was not enough. Self-knowlege is not enough, you know, and, uh... And I learned that. I learned that the hard way. I had to go out and do some of that research Leonard was talking about. I remember being in a big book meeting because I had a sponsor. Let me go back to tell you how I met my sponsor. I met him at this Mount Rainier group that I'm a member of. I wandered in there on one Sunday night, hopeless and helpless. They told me at this rehab I went to, and I'll tell how i got to the rehab uh my wife got sick and tired before i got sick and tired she told me that if i didn't do something about my problem that that was going to be the end of our relationship that it was going to be over and so i did it reluctantly i sought out this rehab and uh and and uh i went and i remember you know uh going over and this first honest well the first honest prayer i can remember praying in a long time is when I'm on my way to the rehab I ask God to help me because I didn't know what these people wanted. I didn' t know what was going to be expected and I was scared to death and all they did was teach me or tell me about my malady as Bill Wilson calls it a fatal malady. They told me about my problem They gave me some information And they sent me to you They told me to go to Alcoholics Anonymous And they told me To get a home group They told them to get a sponsor And they taught me to Go on a regular basis And all of which I did Reluctantly They even took me to my first meeting At the 180 Club in Highsville And I can remember The guy that shared there one night And this guy was And he was talking about complete honesty. He was honest. I thought he was too honest. Why is he telling all this business? And I says, whoa, if I ever get that bad, I'll need this program. This guy is sick. But at any rate, getting back to the – when I went to – they told me when I felt like drinking, they gave me this where and when. They told me to look up in the where and win where a close meeting was and to attend. And that's what I did on this Sunday night when I really felt like drinking. You know, the impulse just hit me. I just wanted a drink. So I followed the suggestion. I looked it up in the where and when, and there was this Mount Rainier group in there. And even though they're in Maryland, it's only about a 10-minute drive from my house because I live close to the Maryland line, so I went there. and they must have knew I was new because everybody after the meeting came up to me and gave me phone numbers and told me to come back they made me feel like a celebrity I felt like whoa I mean and they really really welcomed me now I had been through some meetings before but this one I really just got a warm feeling about you know it's like they laid out a red carpet and here comes a celebrity I said wow okay I'll come back And that's what got me back to this meeting But we had to go back To this rehab on occasion Two or three times a week And they always ask this question Have you got a sponsor yet And my answer was always no One of the hardest things for a guy like me To do Was to ask another guy To help me with something So self reliant Self sufficient And I'm a man and i should be able to handle my own problems that's my attitude that was one of the hardest things so uh i decided i would ask somebody out this mount rainier group and um and it was this guy that always was always there he was always here and he's uh and so i said i'll ask him this sunday night i had this i had to kind of psych myself up the ass so i got there and lo and behold, this guy did not show up that night. And I looked around the room and said to myself, Bill, if you don't ask somebody tonight, you may never ask. So I looked around, and I was very sick at the time, couldn't remember names, still have a hard time with names. And another guy was sitting there, and he always had something good to say. I always liked what he said. He acted like he was happy with himself. He He was always smiling, and he had something I wanted. So I asked him, and here's the kicker. Here's the reason why I really asked him to be my sponsor, because he had the same first name as I did, and I couldn't forget his name. And so I asked her. And he asked me a couple of questions afterwards. He says, are you willing to make Mountain Rain your home group? I said, sure. I had already made that up in my mind. He said, and the other question was, are you willing to go to any length for victory over alcohol? And I lied. I said, yeah. I didn't even know what he was talking about. But I knew he wanted to hear, yeah, so I said yeah. That came back to haunt me, you know. And he gave me some direction. And he told me to call him every day. And that went over like a, whoa, every day? I said, okay, I'll try. I had never called anybody in my whole life every day, not a girlfriend, not my mother, not my sister's brother, nobody. I'd never called any of them. I'd called anybody every day little did I know that he was trying to instill some discipline and this undisciplined alcoholic. And I learned to call this guy every day, whether I had anything to talk about or not. And usually I didn't. You know, I'd talk about the weather, okay, my day was okay. Sometimes I'd have someone tell me, this guy pissed me off at work, you know. But usually I Didn't have really, really anything to say. And the thing that really, really baffled me was at the end of our conversation, he told me that, thanks, you really helped me. Baffled Me. Floored Me. This guy's supposed to be helping me. What do you mean help you? But thank God I stuck around long enough to find out what he was talking about. and you know so we set off on this adventure and going back to the relapse thing he started taking me to meetings we meet at his house and we get in his car and we go to big book meetings and step meetings some good discussion meetings where they talked about the steps and they talked About the book and recovery and traditions and stuff like that. And I got used to calling this guy every day. I got use to it. And there were some evenings I can remember that it would be getting kind of late in the evening and a thought would pop up, you haven't talked to Bill today. And I'd go to the phone and I'd call Bill. So something was working. But somewhere along the line I had seen and it talks about in the big book and that we should have no lurking notion that we can ever drink again. Somewhere in step one, more about alcoholism. Thanks for the topic, Alan, about the book. It's in the book, and it is in the books. And I had that lurking motion. See, I knew I could fall back on this drink if anything ever disturbed me enough or got on my nerves enough or made me angry enough, I could call him his drink and it would be okay. I thought. And it did, but it didn't. Because I had the worst case of guilt and remorse after that drink than you can imagine. I felt lower than low. See, you people had to put all your energies and all your faith and all your time into me and trying to help me, the people that my sponsor introduced me to and my sponsor himself. And I didn't think enough of myself to contact one of you before taking that train. So I felt very, very low. And at this one big book meeting, everybody that night was talking about being a retread and relapsing and going back out. And it got to me so bad that when we got in my sponsor's car after the meeting, it just came out you know I drank and I've been drinking for I just had to give it up. It just rolled out of my mouth but I felt better afterwards. And he told me, you know Bill, I can't take the plug out of the jug for you, but I can take you through these steps steps in a pretty swift manner. And I had only been around for a couple of months, and I hadn't made a real effort or we hadn't gotten to the steps. But he told me you need to go through the steps, and I agreed. I was willing at that point because I was desperate. You know, there are a few gifts. The gift of sobriety is a very precious gift to me today. But there's another gift that came before the gift of the sobriete which I call the gift of desperation, which allowed and enabled me to be willing to go through the steps with a sponsor and to do what I had to do. So the gift of sobriety saved my life in a sense. So we set out to go through this 12-step process. And I can remember what he told me when we were discussing the first step and more about alcoholism where at one page it talks about control, control, and how I tried to control my drinking through all these years. Yes, like Linda, I stopped a thousand times, over millions of times I could stop but I could never stay stopped and he pointed that out. And he also told me that when I attain step one, when I really get step one down is when I'll know that to drink is to die. Simple as that. To drink is to die and that's the way I feel today. If I were to take a drink, I may as well call the undertaker because I'm going to die sooner or later. It may be sooner than later and I would hope it'd be sooner because I know what I've seen what alcohol does to a body and to a person. I've been around long enough and been to enough funerals and wakes of people who were once members of Alcoholics Anonymous or who had come into the program and went back out and decided that they could do it their own way. And then what we had to offer. So I would want it to be like I would run into a tree or something while being drunk and kill myself. I would rather have it that way than the long torture of an alcoholic death where one vital organ after another goes haywire. You know, the liver and the heart and the spleen and everything just goes kabonkers to a point where, you know, you can't hold your water and stuff like that. And that, you know, that's what I call torture. And we alcoholics, we take ourselves through that type of torture, and I would never want to do that. But at any rate, you Know, and we talked about step two, finding that God of your understanding, the high power and relating to that God. And we agnostics, it talks about lack of power. That is our dilemma. It tells us that we had to find a power greater than ourselves. And it tells us where we have to find that power. We find that powerful in the book. It says that's exactly what this book is about. To help you find the power to help you live by which you can live. And in reading that book and studying the book, I found that power. I've gotten back to the God of my childhood. I disengaged myself with that God. I once knew God or knew of him. Today I have a relationship with him, a true relationship. I can talk to God anytime, driving in the car. Linda mentioned it. Driving down the road while walking and talking, I can contact God. Yes. And sometimes I have to do that, especially when dealing with somebody that I might not be getting along with at the time. God help me with your child. You know, because we're all children of God. that's my belief we're all children of god and i'm you know it wouldn't be right for me to treat my brother or my sister wrong and and and do something that's disrespectful now do i do it perfectly no but this program gives me ways in which i can handle that also uh it tells us where define God, it says that deep down inside every man, woman, and child is the fundamental idea of God in that chapter. So if I'm made in his likeness, and he's perfect, mind you, from my understanding, he's perfectly perfect, then I should be able to achieve some type of perfection although i never will but i can strive for it i can strive for perfection and i just might do okay i just might be pretty good if i strive for perfection there's nothing wrong with it and it tells us to stay close to that god to contact him in the morning i contact him in the morning first thing i get up i make the conscious contact. Not just to ask him to help me through the day, I do that but I make that contact to let me know that I'm not God. See, I have to remind myself that I am not God I do because I played God for a long time He talks about that in the third step. He said we had to quit playing God. It didn't work he's going to be our director we are his agents he is our director you know he's a loving father and what father whether he be a good person or not wouldn't want the best for his children doesn't have to be a good person but if he's a father and I know what it is I'm a father so I know that I want only the best for my children so if he's perfect and all powerful can you imagine what's available for us all types of good stuff being happy joyous and free as Linda stated also we can be happy we're supposed to be happy I didn't stop drinking to be miserable I want to get away from that misery and pain and just being the opposite of what God meant for us. He wants us to be happy. And it talks about, also in that third step, it talks About on page 62, our problem, selfishness, self-centeredness, that we think is the root of our troubles. says we must be rid of this selfishness we must or it kills us but it gives us the solution in the next sentence God makes that possible so once again God is the solution the problem is the number one the solution is number two and we make that decision in number three to do what is what Bill Wilson has written for us and the other 100 the rest of the steps you know and i in step four i heard all kind of stories about that step four you know uh horror stories even about oh you don't want to do that step for right now you want to wait wait to the fog lift wait till you feel better and all those kind of things and I don't know but I'm here to tell you that step four is a blessing for a guy like me it was a blessing I was fearful at the time yes but I got over that fear when I was in enough pain when I knew that if I didn't do this that I'd probably go back out there and drink so I was ready to do it and I can remember in the fourth step And somebody talked about my book and how it was rattling, carrying on. But I'd study it, and it's something in that first the title page of this book that helped me, it helped give me some hope. And it says the story of how many thousands of men and women have recovered from alcoholism right there in the beginning. So that helped. That's a ray of hope that I can recover too. if i do what you do so i did it and i sit down the right in that as i told you i went to these for these meetings and they talk about the four step a lot they talked about that that illustration that they have been there on the four-step everything but i was in an excuse us in my wife you know she now that i'm not work it now that I'm not drinking she can give me all this work around the house and stuff all these lists that had completed before she was trying to weigh me down with all this stuff And then the job was very demanding and, you know, I had long hours and I had excuses not to do, you know. And once again, God did for me what I couldn't do for myself. He took the wife away on a business trip for a week. And in turn, I was like, I'm going to go out and eat some fast food at some of these fast food restaurants. And I got a mouth case of diarrhea. So I couldn'T go to work. so I'm sitting on the side of the bed with the book open and I said what page is that on oh okay I got it page 65 there it is there's a diagram I'm standing there waiting I got a pen and a pad thought comes that I'm confused I'll call my sponsor I call him I'm trying to do my fourth step and I'm confusing turn to page 65 says, yeah. He says, and follow the illustration as it's written. Simple. Oh. And he knew I had this diarrhea. He said, and you can write sitting on the job. I said, okay. And I did some of the writing right there in the bathroom. I took the pen right in there with me. But the most amazing thing happened in this fourth step. Once I got the writing, it seemed like The pen just flowed across the paper without any effort. Stuff just started coming out. And I'm wondering, wow, where's this stuff coming from? It's that lifelong stuff that I'm resentments and fears and all this stuff that had been stuffed for so many years, I was letting out. And that's a blessing. That's relief. But I wasn't done yet because I had to share this with this sponsor. and another fear popped up like this guy i don't know if he's gonna be want to be bothered with me if i share this stuff with him you know uh i don'T KNOW if i should share it or not but i said okay we made a date to meet at his house on this one particular night and he lives about 15 minutes from me and i can remember that night about halfway into the drive i started to turn the car around and go back home but i didn't i continued on and i went and met with him and we sat at this kitchen table and he had this tall bottle of cold bottle of pepsi i remember that and we said a prayer before starting we said the third step prayer and that helped and and i was sharing and And he was reading the stuff, and once in a while he'd comment, yeah, okay, I did that too. It worked out real strange that even some of the people in my family and his family had resembling roles in what happened in our lives. And I said, wow, you know, God really picked the right sponsor for me. and he made me at that night he made me feel ununique I just wasn't unique any longer and he asked me after we went over this list with him he askedme was there anything else and I told him no nothing I can think of now and he asked me because he knew I guess he felt because he had known we'd been dealing with each other for a few months now He kind of knew me. He says, and he knew I was kind of in some pain. I was feeling some things. He asked me, do you want to have these defects of character removed? I said, yeah. So we turned to where the seven-step prayer is in the book, and we read it together. And so after two and a half hours sitting at my sponsor's kitchen table that night, he then told me that you've now completed steps five six and seven and I said whoa I felt like I got a bonus I only came over to do the five and he told me I'd done five six and seven that's a pretty big chunk of the program right there and he taught me that uh I knew also and I I got those those step those promises after the fifth step I felt the nearness of my creator I really felt closer to God I felt as far as the drink problem was concerned It just wouldn't be a problem I could walk down the street And face anybody I could look you in the eye Didn't have to hide Wonder who I'm going to meet Walking down the streets And all that kind of stuff And I just felt freer I felt a joy And I also felt that I had something to share IN ANOTHER STEP MEETING WHEN THEY TALKED ABOUT THE FIFTH, SIXTH, OR SEVENTH STEP. THAT WAS IMPORTANT TO ME BECAUSE I HAD BEEN GIVEN INSTRUCTIONS. IF I DIDN'T HAVE THE EXPERIENCE IN THAT STEP, DON'T TALK. YOU KNOW, SAY YOUR NAME AND THAT'S IT. NOW I CAN TALK ON THOSE STEPS. AND I REMEMBER, MIND YOU, FOUR MONTHS MAYBE NOW IN THE PROGRAM AND THE NEXT TIME I WENT TO A STEP MEeting and they were talking about one of those steps And I remember sharing my experience with my sponsor, doing five, six, and seven at his kitchen table in two and a half hours. I can remember the response of a couple, two or three old-timers after the meeting, and well-meaning people, mind you. And I'm sure concerned about me, but they told me that one person told me maybe I was going too fast. and another person told me yeah maybe you should slow down wait to the fog list i was even offered the one step a year program that night and i felt you know i was hurt because i felt like they were telling me that i was doing wrong i wasdoing it wrong iwas doing the program wrong they had 15 upwards of 20 years so they had you know they knew more than i did but thank god for a good sponsor. So as soon as I got home, I called my sponsor and I told him what happened. He told me, Bill, the next time somebody tells you something like that, tell them to show you where it says that in the book. Tell them to tell you where that says in the book to slow down or to wait until the fog lifts or take one step a year. And step four says stuff like next and at once and first you know the first two two words of the steps eight and nine are now so the only place where it mentions uh taking any time off is in the fifth step it says wait an hour and my sponsor didn't do that with me because you know i was sick So It worked out well for me You know That message To me My sponsor calls it He says When you do stuff And he'll tell you If you were here If you know my sponsor He talks about the five and a half years He went in the program while drinking going back and forth in and out without any steps. And in his words, that's the fast lane to the cemetery. That's what he calls it, the fast line to the symmetry. And I take heed to what he tells me today and I have for some time. And we went on through the process in 8 and 9. In 8, In eight, I had the list from the fourth step, and it says now we need more action. Basically, the now, now we needs more action, which if without it, faith without works is dead. Simple as that. So I need to do more. I need go on. And in nine, and after going over the list, my sponsor went over this list because I'm a little, you know, by that time I'm thinking that I've done all this stuff to all these people, and he kind of scratched some people off the list that weren't necessary. Basically, I harmed the people who just couldn't get out of my way. Family members and stuff like that. They just couldn'T, you know, living in the same household they just couldn' t get out of myway. So, the people at the bar and all this other stuff they were drunk too. You know. But you know so So I went out and I had to be willing. I had a prayer on some of those people because it was easy making amends to people like my wife, my current wife, and I did that directly after going home and going over the list with my sponsor that night. After our home group, he went over the lists, and I directly went home and told him, because now my wife is sort of like my sister. She talks a lot, and she'll cut you off and stuff like that. So I had to tell her in the beginning, look, I've got something to say. Please don't interrupt me until I'm done. I need to get it out. And that's the manner in which I told her. I was very respectful. I didn't tell her, shut up. Please just let me get it up. and after discussing the harm done there was a silence she didn't have much to say she cried we hugged there was a strong exchange of feelings in that room that night strong exchange of feelings I could feel her as I held her and I'm sure she felt me in the book it talks about a long road to recovery and that was pretty much the beginning it's still happening do I still get angry with her? Yes does she still get mad at me? Yes but I like to think we handle it a little differently today I like to think I'm more mindful of her feelings today I like To think that I just don't want To have to make amends To her again I don't So I try to do right by her I try Now am I perfect at that? No But I try it's all about trying and being willing now there were some people on that list that I just didn't want to make amends to couldn't see myself reason being because I felt like they caused me more harm than I caused them and I really had to pray I really had to prayer on the subject and lo and behold after some time of praying it happened there came a time god once again made the situation gave us a situation where i could make those amends and basically they were two stepchildren and i got them both together and i sat him down and i told him of my harms done and fortunately or for is fortunate i guess that all the amends that I made had favorable responses. Never had nobody throw me out their office or throw me off the room or throw me out their house or tell me they didn't want to hear it. My mom was one of the best amends in my memory and she's no longer with us but she told me, son I prayed for you for a long time and all I want for you is to be happy. you don't know how that made me feel that's what she wanted and she got it she got to see it before she died that's another blessing this program has allowed me so many blessings and so many experiences that are just overwhelming to a guy like me you know so we went on through the and we talked about the tenth step and the tenth step is a good definition of the tenth step is four through nine revisited it we do steps four through nine they're all incorporated in the tenth Step and it tells us that in the book says we now ended the world the spirit and talks about it being a lifelong process. Talks about continuing to make that inventory, that personal inventory. Continue to look at me, not you, look at me. Linda said it, you know, whenever there's something wrong with me or something wrong, there's something wrong mit me. It starts with me, it's not you. And I didn't want to hear that when I either. I didn't want to hear that one, but I learned to accept it, and it's true. It is true, and I have to discuss. Sometimes I have to discuss what's happening with me with another person, a sponsor. Sometimes I've even talked to sponsees about what's going on. I'm not too good to, you know, they can understand it, people that understand. I've talked to other people in the program about what was going on with me. Don't have to get into a whole lot of depth just you know well right now i'm hurt some a simple thing like that which i can make very complicated hurt hurt feelings because they turn into anger and resentment for a guy like me i hold on to stuff like that that's my past history today i can talk about it and get it out. Say, okay, not so bad. I'll get over it. The good thing about hurt feelings is that last week I can't remember what I got hurt about. If I think about it, what did I get hurt about? I don't know. That's how important they are. I don' t know. But I'm a very sensitive guy. I'm just sensitive in that way. And I had to accept that, my sensitivity. And I've been told it's a good thing, but sometimes it's just painful. I feel like I ain't supposed to. I sometimes say, well, a man ain't opposed to her. Well, yeah, okay. I know, but it's true. I had a session and my wife and I, we still have counseling sessions. You know, we started out with counseling sessions and now we're back in counseling. And And I can remember the last counseling session was last week. When we're sitting there, the three of us, me, her, and the counselor, and I'm boo-hooing. Now, 10 years ago, I would have never told you I cried. But I was boo-hoeing about some hurt feelings. But I felt better afterwards. It was okay. They didn't look at me like I was strange. and I heard something good one good thing that helped me with that was I don't know who told me that or who said it but somebody said that if a man isn't supposed to cry why did God give him tear ducts oh I can remember sitting up in funerals of loved ones and not budging holding the tears back forcing them back looking around the room I can remember looking around the room at role model guys to see if they would cry. If they cry, I'll cry. Wouldn't cry. That's the type of stuff I dealt with. Today it's okay. I don't care who else don't cry, if I feel like crying, if it's appropriate to cry, then I guess I'll cry and I don' t care who thinks what because today I know me and I know who I am. So, you know, recovery is a wonderful thing. It's just given me so many blessings. Step 11 is prayer and meditation. You know, just do more. There are other books that we go to for prayer and meditation. I've gotten back to church. Never thought I would be going to church every Sunday. Again, never thought I'd be going back to church. I did. I thought you guys were a bunch of hypocrites if it weren't the church. Because Monday morning, you turn around and do this thing. You commit sins. And you'd be doing all kinds of crazy stuff. But that's not on me. I have to try to do the best I can and get what I can out of it. In the 12th step in our 12th suggestion, Bill Wilson starts us out in the beginning of the book with the 12 suggestions. He talks about it in the forwards. forwards page Roman numeral 17 top of the page states that strenuous work one alcoholic with another is vital for permanent recovery beginning in the book step I mean chapter 7 working with others page 89 starts off by saying practical experience shows that nothing can so much ensure immunity from drinking as intensive work with other alcoholics same thing, different words. And he tells us all through the book. Work with others. Help somebody else. Give it away. Got to give it away to keep it. Once also a lot of stuff I say, I didn't invent nothing. I stole a lot stuff from people. I stole this from in a meeting. A guy told me, and I thought it was so clever, but it's true. He says, Bill Wilson, when he wrote this book, he tells us in the beginning what he's going to tell us. Then he tells Us. And then at the end, he tells US what he told Us. I said, wow, that's true, and it is. You know, but It goes back to Franklin and I were having a, We were talking the other day, and we brought up the fact that we alcoholics need to hear stuff over and over and over and again in order for it to sink into these thick skulls. I know mine is very thick, and I had to read this book over and over and over again. And read it with other people. Not just my little single thought of what's going on, but it's good when I get your view on what's happening. You know, little stuff in the book just kicks this. Page 132. Just a whole lot of good stuff on page 132 THE BIG BOOK. WE ABSOLUTELY INSIST ON ENJOYING LIFE. MIDDLE OF THE PAGE, 16 LINES DOWN FROM THE TOP, 16 LINE UP FROM THE BOTTOM, SEVEN SPACES FROM THE LEFT AND SEVEN FROM THE RIGHT. RIGHT IN THE MIDDLES. WE ABSULTLY INSISTS ON ENJOIN LIFE THAT'S BALANCE. IN MY OPINION THAT WHOLE CHAPTER TALKS ABOUT BALANCED. near the bottom of that page it talks about the fact that we have recovered and been given the power to help others by this time we've gotten some power if we align with God's will we got some power power to helps others it's evident in people how many of you got small C's and you're helping somebody it works the program works it really does in closing I'd like to say that if there's anybody here new that has any doubt about whether or not this program can work for them look at me thanks Thank you.