The Spiritual Side of AA Without the Religion – Jack B.

I'll never ever come back, but like I told you, I came back 12 times. Well, the 12th time was something again. Because two detectives met me and they carried me to a court. And in the court was a judge that knew me. And he said, Jack, we brought you here because we've got to explain something to you. The doctors have given us the prognosis on you. Three very fine doctors. and they've given you five years to live. And Jack, they say that if you live five years, you'll spend a lot of time in an institution because you're suffering from wet brain. The doctors also say that you're a homicidal maniac and you might wipe your family out overnight not even though you did it. They say it's impossible for you to tell the difference between right and wrong. They say you'll never ever work another day in your life. And he also recommended that you be removed from your home for the protection of your children. So I looked at my wife who was standing there and I said, Hey Roz, is this what you want? And she said, yeah, you bet your life that's what I want. The children have been awarded to me and that's the end of that. And I'm going to raise them. And you get out of our lives because you have never done anything but hate us since the moment that we ever got together. You've never done anything but hurt everyone you come in contact with. Get out of our lives and leave us. And if you come back, I'm going to kill you." Now this woman was a very naive, gentle woman. When I had made her a monster. And I looked at her and I could see a different person. She was so full of venom and hate that it was astounding. And I just looked at him and I said, You can't mean that? She said, I do. She said, I'll get you while you're sleeping one night if you come back. And I'll stick a knife in your belly and they won't do a thing to me because somebody should have done it a long time ago. So they threw me out of that fort that day and they put me on a subway for free right over the page now. And they said, don't come back to Brooklyn, Bono. We had enough for you. So I went to New York and I went down to Mulberry Street and I was going to get a gun and I wasn't going to do a lot of things. No, no, it don't work that way This is the way that the alcoholic dreams That it's going to work Tomorrow will be alright Tomorrow will better No, tomorrow is worse Because I never made Mulberry Street I made the other side of Canal And I lived down in Bowery in New York For about two and a half years And I live in the snow And in the rain I never remember eating Shaving Bathing Nothing and I do remember waking up and finding myself full of blood and I would have holes in my head and my skull would be split my mouth would be busted and somebody would say that I had fallen down the subway stairs or something, or get hit with a cab or a bus the only thing I remember actually is the hate that I had I was so full of hate that it was pitiful and I used to live and I used to breathe hate. I hated my mother, my father, my sisters, my brothers, my wife, my children and I cursed God every time that I opened my eyes. You know I used to lay on the bowery and I would say to myself if I just shut my eyes a little bit maybe it's only a bad dream because before I opened my eyes I could smell myself. I was filthy with body lice. I had no shoes. I had nothing. I had nothin'. Hair hung down the back of my neck. I was a mess of nothin'. And I would lay there and smell myself And I'd say, no, it can't be You know how it is when you're a kid You used to close your eyes And you'd wake up again And you would find that it was all a bad dream I tried to do that But every time I woke up I was still there And it was me that I was smelling And then the hate would set in Well, to make a long story short I always say that I don't, but I try I woke up one day and I had a bottle and I tried to drink it And I had hemorrhages of the stomach And I was in a dirty toilet on the valley of New York And I fell on my hands and knees, I couldn't stand up And I literally watched myself running down a toilet bowl Every time I breathed, I bled And I'm so weak I couldn' t move And it was at that moment that I looked at the bottle And I said to hell with it Why do I fight for bread? And I threw the bottle over my shoulder, and I got ready to die. I knew that it was coming. But you see, for the first time in my life, I put my finger on the trouble. I put myself in the trouble, I put a finger on a bottle, and said, It has to be. That's the cause of my trouble. And you know, I lay there for, I don't know how long. But no prayer that's uttered in despair goes unanswered. And while I was laying there, I began to get a very rapid fire collection of pictures go flashing through my mind. And I saw my wife and I saw mother before she died. And I see a lot of strange things, fairly nice things and some bad things but all good things mostly. And then one picture I got was a picture of that AA meeting I had been to where that lawyer had said, don't take the first drink until you get drunk. And it was like I was sitting in one of the chandeliers looking down at all these people. And I could see them walking about and milling about and drinking their coffee in the clean clothes they had. And suddenly I knew. And I remember what a revelation it was to me. And I said, Jack, you know something? You're a damn fool. You had it and you blew it. That was the answer. And why didn't you listen? And I remember almost crying, and I said, Why didn't I listen? And then suddenly a thought came to me that maybe it wasn't too late. And I said oh my God, if only I could go to AA now. Well somehow I pulled out of that filthy dump that I was in, and I got out onto the sidewalks up there, and I made somebody understand what I wanted. and I don't know to this minute who that it was but I remember screaming at somebody and I remember the trouble that I had making them understand what I wanted because my mouth was all busted up and my throat was infected and I couldn't speak too good I could barely see out of either eye and I must have been an apparition like a madman trying to get somebody to call AA for me but somewhere out there There was somebody that did. And I remember them coming back and telling me, all right, we called them, now sit down and don't get lost. You see, because the alcoholic on a battery is in another world. His mind may be here and his body goes there. He doesn't know the difference. He's very disjointed, disconnected. So I remember what it was sitting and waiting. And I said, they're coming, they'RE coming, and I have to sit here. And I was so mentally sick. My mind was so badly affected that I had to keep that room door in my mind all the time. They come and don't move, stay here, the man said so. And I remember that I started to debate with myself whether or not that was a dream that they were coming or maybe I had just dreamed it. So I sat there in the Never Never Land waiting for my sponsor to come and my sponsor came. Now I'm a big Irish Catholic, you see. And I hate minority groups, at least I did. And if you rang in for an Irish Catholic and I stuck you up, I wouldn't even give you a car fare. You didn't count in this world, nothing. There was nobody but Irish Catholics. And yet now here I was on that store. No cop would even lock me up. my brothers were afraid to come near me my father was deadly afraid of me my sisters disowned me my wife wouldn't have any part of me and yet my sponsor came and he stood in front of me and he said my name is Sam Cohen and I'm here to help you a wonderful beautiful little Jewish fellow and he had his wife with him and she couldn't stop gasping she kept saying oh my God, oh my G-d And finally he said, Haji, it's all right. And he said to me, he said if you want to stop drinking, I said that's the only thing that I want in this world. And he got up real close to me to see what I was saying because I couldn't talk too good. And I looked into his eyes and that's what I wanted. He understood me. And I said to him, I don't know what you could do for me but I hope you can help me. And he said, that's why I came. And he said, I want to tell you something now. If you come with me and Gene, you'll be alright and you don't have to drink no more. Now either he was the biggest idiot that walked the face of this earth, or he was the smartest and most kind man you ever met. He had to be one or the other because three doctors had said five years at the most and I was pushing six. Now, yet this guy looked at me and without a second thought, you come with me and Gene and you don't have to drink no more. And you'll be all right. And you know something? The look in his eyes, I believed him. So when I stand up here and say that my name is Jack Brennan and I'm an alcoholic and that I believe that this is a God-given and God-inspired program, that's exactly what I need. I don't mean amazing, but perhaps I know. I know with all my heart that there is no other way that I could be alive here tonight and talk to you people. And I'm not only one miracle. There are some 600,000 of us. Some may be a little more miracles than others, but all of us miracles because anything that happened to me could conceivably conceivably happen to you, given enough time and booze. Because this AA program or this AA disease that we have, this alcoholism that we has, is like a long, slow train ride that goes from wall to wall. And if you persist and stay on the train, you're going to wind up at the wall, period. The last stop, as I did. But if you decide to get off halfway, that's to your benefit. that you are just as much an alcoholic as I am. In fact, if anybody had to go to the wall last time, I don't think I would want to belong to this program. So AA does work for everybody that comes in. And it'll work for me and it'll look for you. And I used to look down my nose at martini drinkers until my sponsor one day said, what's wrong with you, Big Shot? You know how many ounces of alcohol are in a martini? I said, no. He said three. I almost fell off my stool. I developed a new respect for martini drinkers because I only drank one shot one ounce at a time. So you see, it's not what we take in in the way of alcohol, what the alcohol does to us. I decided that day I wanted what my friend Sam Cullen offered me. And I went to AA. And I went to AA on the arm of this little Jewish fellow and his wife. And God rest him, he's dead now. He died two weeks before Bill Wilson did. But that man taught me everything that I know. He taught me about love and he taught me perfection. And he taught about what's right and what's wrong. He taught about my higher power who I feared very greatly. He taught me everything. He was a fine, fine man. And when they tell you here in AA that there is no religion, you have best believed it, because there is no religion in AA. There is a spiritual side to our program. But you see the AA program causes us to be spiritual. It makes us, it brings us to the point where people we learn to love us and want us and need us and then we become spiritual I came to AA and I would have settled for three months if I could have made three months I would gladly die and been buried because to me three months was the end of the world if I had made three month soldier I would've made it but you see my friend always has the last word I don't go one minute before I'm wanted. And I don't stay one minute after I'm wanted. Now, I don'T like to say it, but those three doctors that gave me five years to live almost 30 years ago, well, two of them are dead. And the third guy, he's not doing too good, I tell you. He's not doing well at all. And every time I see him, I tell him to take care of himself. Those normal people out there And he looks at me and he laughs. He says, I know. You're a miracle. And I said, that's right, Doc. And I love that man because he is one person that knows me so well. But you see, I came into AA expecting nothing. And I got the whole world back in my hands. My life was given back to me. And people will say, you happy fellow. And I say, who bets your life I'm happy? because I came to AA over 25 years ago. 25 long years I've had to put my life back together and get to know people, learn to love people, and learn to Love Myself too in order to be able to love you. But it wasn't easy for me. I couldn't hardly speak. I couldn' t speak. I couldn''t talk. I couldn't sit too well, had no clothes, no job, unemployable. But I managed. And I would say right here that if I can do it, anybody can do it. And that's the point of this whole thing you see. Example. Some poor guy sitting out there wondering who you are and where you're going. You can do exactly as I did. If you have the mind to. All you must do is do as I did. Commit to AA. Put your whole heart and whole soul into it. and turn your life and will up to the care of God as you understand Him. The rest is just drinking coffee, making friends, and going to meetings. Your whole life will be taken care of, same as mine was. You see, I came to A.A. Horton for three months, as I said. And little by little, I began to get on my feet and I began having enough health back in me so I could get a job washing dishes And finally I got myself a little room. I was able to buy myself a pair of pants and a pair of shoes, and I thought I had the world ripped. I was so happy. Because you see when I came to AA I found what I was looking for in the bottom of a bottle for so many years. Understanding. Nobody ever said to me get that bum out of here, he stinks too bad, no. They said sit down I looked at the coffee and said, please come back. We need you. You see, immediately they needed me. And I couldn't understand it. And my ear says, well why do they need me? Because Jack, they need you, but when they look at you, they know how fortunate they are. and I brought that and then he said you know you're very useful around here you hustle with a lot of people and I go how do you figure that he said we really want to see our newcomers next to you and we tell them to watch you good and if they keep drinking it will get like you and I thought that was delightful you know I like that all I said that's good so I was wanted and I was needed And then one day Sam Cohen said to me, I could wash the dishes. We had very lovely china cups. And two weeks later I started washing dishes, they got paper cups. Because I broke them all, you see? But it didn't make any difference. They loved me. And one night Sam Cohen told me, he says, Jack, I love you. And I looked at him kind of funny and I said, what the hell kind of way is that to talk, Sam? I mean, you are a man. You don't talk to me like that. I never thought that there was anything wrong with you. And he said, Jack, no. He said, no, not what you think. He said we love you because you're an alcoholic. I want you to think that over good. Especially people out there that feel kind of upset and left alone. We love you because you are an alcoholic Who in God's name has loved you before here because you were an alcoholic? Isn't it the question not of loving you because you're an alcoholic, but isn't it a way that people used to tolerate you, even your own family? They love you in spite of you being an alcoholic but nobody ever loved you because your were one until you got here. That's the way that was with me so I begin to appreciate things very good. I was in the area for about two and a half years. My wife came to me, and I told Sam, I said, keep an eye on her. She's up to no good. I don't know what it is, but she's up for it. And he said, Jack, let me talk with her. So we talked with her, and he came back and said, you're wrong. I said no, I'm not wrong. I know that woman. I know her good. She's upped the thumb. I was scared of her. She came over and she spoke to me. She said, I still have to be sober. I said, yeah why? And she just said, well because I'm happy you're sober. And I said good, if that's all you want leave. And you see, this is the animal. This is the animals that the alcoholic becomes for slow buying. A little by little she kept coming back and she assured me. She had no designs on me whatsoever, nothing. And then one day she said to me, you know we're having a hard time home living. We're on welfare. You pay rent for a room. Would you like to come home and sleep on the couch in the living room? And I said, sure, that would be all right because I did want to help her out with her kids, you know. I love them making much money, just enough to buy a room and eat with. So I went home, and it was another period of my life. I slept on the coach in the moving room, and I was very happy. I was always happy. I didn't want too much, just a little bit. I don't want the whole alcohol, I just want a little bit of the core. And I got it. I could watch the kids go to school now. And I thought it was great. And then one day she said to me, Doesn't that couch get a little hot? And I said no. Now you can see what alcohol will do to you. And finally she made it very clear She was making improper advances to me. And finally I went up to the holy mountain and I spoke to a monk up there. And I said, my wife is making a noise like a wife again. And he said, that's good, go home. That's good. I said how the hell do you know it's good? You're a monk. And he said, I told you it's right. Go home. Never figured that one out, but I went home anyway. And I was scared. Oh, was I scared. See, I was a big fella. But I was now first growing up from that 12-year-old scared kid. I was an old man actually but now I learned how to live all over again and then I began to understand what they say when he says there's a new way of life it's not just a matter of being sober if I was just sober I'd rather be drunk so I started to grow and my wife helped me so much everything that I did she was there she taught me how to speak in front of the birds on the base when the kids went to bed my daughter taught me how to hold a knife and a fork, because my hand had been very badly injured. I couldn't, I dropped the fork all the time. And she'd take a little hand and hold it on top of me, and she'd say, come on, Pop, you can do it. Hold it tight. And I would hold it and throw meat with it, don't you see? Well, it worked. And my son, my older boy there, he used to follow me around and pick up my glasses for me and keep putting them back in my pocket because my mind was was gone. Very forgetful, very stupid, but very happy. I was home again. I was a man again. I was a husband. And I was father. This cycle had come complete. I thought. But my friend upstairs is a very magnificent fellow. And if you ain't on his side or you don't believe that you can be, you best think again. Because I was in AA for a couple for a couple of years like that with my wife, and I took the guy out of the government. I took him home. He had no place to stay. And my wife was of a different religion than I was. And I couldn't go to church very well because you know how it is, and my children weren't baptized, and you know something? This guy I took out of government who came to live with me turned out to be a very, very fine lad. He started to be a priest years previous. My wife looked at him, and we went about together, you know. She started asking questions. Next thing you know, she went up to church and she was converted. And then my two kids were baptized on the same wall that I was married on on a Saturday morning. And that Saturday night, I went to my AA meeting in the basement of that same church. So you see, all my impossible things became easy. Because one night I had said to Sam Cohn, Sam, I owe you my life. He said, You're crazy. It won't mean nothing. You're an idiot. You're stupid. The doctors were right. You've got a wet brain. He was going to ask you to go with your Ruth. And I said, Sam, don't talk to me like that. You hate me. And he said, I wish I could, but a little bigger I would. He said, you owe everything to the higher power, not me. He said he sent me out to get you, you stupid thing. He must love you pretty good. And, you know, he said what I did for you is done for me, so we're even. Guy that did it for me had it done for him. Carried him all the way back to the first, but Wilson got it from the higher tower. So he said, if you want to turn your life a little over to him, you go ahead and talk to him. Talk to him just like you talked to me. And then he thought it over with me. He said, no, you better clean up a little bit first. So that night I did. I went outside and I saw my friend upstairs, you know. I said, how are you doing? Too good till now? Not too good? I had a lot of people, did a lotof nasty things, but, you know, I'm an alcoholic, you know that because you brought me there, yeah? I said , but from here on in, if If you tell me what to do, I'll do it. No questions asked, I will do it I want to thank you for what I got so far And I said I am just so happy Please help me Please help ever since you've told me what to do. A lot of times you know I look at it and I see situations and I say no that's not right You're making a new friend and you know but I don't think it's right And if you get in any trouble, don't blame me. So I do what I know is wrong. And it comes out right. Then I say, well, go ahead, lad. After all, that's why you're up there and I'm here. I'm only human. But I've learned over the years I trust him implicitly. I have enough faith for everybody in this room, any room. because mine eyes have watched miracles. I know. This is a God-given, God-inspired program. You see, I have two children and I have three. I was an heir for five years and my wife gave birth to a third child, a boy. He's my A baby. 19 years old now. He goes to Haverford College in Pennsylvania. It's a little small, quicker college. He's a beautiful boy, very gentle, very kind, very considerate and he's also a genius. He came out in the National Merit Scholarship competitions, the top one-half percent of the whole country. This is what AA will do. If there's anybody here that thinks AA don't work, you're wrong. AA does work. I'm here to tell you that it does. I'll prove it again. Because, you see, my son, my older boy, graduated from school and went to Marine Corps. And one day two MPs came to the door and he said, we're looking for Joseph Brennan. And she said, he's in Paris Island, my wife. And she called me out of the job like a moment and said, what's wrong? The kid hasn't been on the base for two months. I said, it's impossible. You see, I'm an alcoholic and my son is an alcoholic. alcoholic. And for 12 long years he knocked his brains out. And my wife said the same thing that my mother said, not two in one family. And I said, yeah, two in a family Roz, you better accept it. And why did your friend do this to me Jack? I said I don't know. I don' t know but it's here and you best learn to live with it. And I say he has his reasons for everything that he does. So you see my wife was torn with this beautiful young boy, and my beautiful daughter, and the alcoholic son. Beautiful but alcoholic. And she said, why can't we live just so nicely? For me to have you and I got to go through the whole thing over with him. And God bless her, she did. Because we have gone to visit him in a state prison. He's doing a year and a day flat. And you know what it is for me to go watch my son behind bars? It's not easy. easy. And to go into a tower where you'll see him laying in the same gutters that I was laying in and have him tell me, Pop, I'm glad I'm not like you. I can drink, you can't. There are some so blind that they can't see. And some can't seem because they refuse to. Well, to make a long story short, I am going to get the hell out of here right now because I know you'll both get nervous. On last December, my wife and I had a very beautiful Christmas. My son, who never came near the house for six years, all we heard of him was police calls here and there, terrible tragedies in his life. And he called up about about 20th of December. He said, Pop, I'm in Rochester, New York. I'm at the end of my rope. I can't go no further. He says, I've got a wife and I've got a baby. He says I want to come home. I want go to AA. And I said, good. Come on home. He said don't have any money. I sent him money. Came home by the bus the next day and my son came home from college. My daughter came home to Syracuse with her baby. And we had a beautiful day. Oh, it was a lovely Christmas. A whole week of nothing going wrong. Beautiful. And then he went home to their respective homes and my wife and I sat. And we just gloried in AA and high power. And we talked so good she said, I'll never doubt him again. I said, good. Now you know how I feel. And, you know, we just felt glad to be alive. And we hadn't nobody home to give me an underdog. And yet we felt so good. Well, I would go to Midland, Texas on the 22nd of January. And my son was going to AA. Everything was fine. And on Tuesday of that week, the 22rd is on a Friday, I believe. Anyway, I had tickets for you on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday come back. And, you know, on Tuesday, I got really upset. And I couldn't figure it out. What moment in my life? I don't feel right. I said, I feel like, you know, something's bad. And she said, oh, it's your nonsense, you're a disease show. And I said maybe. Wednesday was voice, Thursday was even voice. It was so bad that I went to the airport and changed my tickets. And I came home Thursday night, or Friday morning rather, and I told her, I said I'm not going on Friday morning. I said. I changed it to Saturday. She said, you shouldn't have done that. You're very tired. You've been working very hard. Why do you need the rest? All your friends in Texas want to see you. I said, I'm going Saturday, and that's that period. Well, Friday night, I went to bed, and I was extremely upset. And my wife looked at me, and she said, Jack, you know, I only wish to God that there was something I could do for you. You look so terribly unhappy. And I said I am, and I don't know why, so just go to bed please, and leave me be. I'll be all right. I'll read my book for a little while. I'II be all rIght. So I wrote my book for a half hour, my little Bible. I tried to calm myself down and I fell into a very fitful sleep. At about 1.30 she woke me up and she said, Jack, I'm having trouble, I can't breathe. And you know, I took her downstairs. I helped her breathe until the ambulance got there. And I put her in the ambulance. I followed the ambulance to the hospital in a car. And I never see her again alive. It was 5 o'clock that morning, she was dead. And we buried her properly up there, a little town where I live, and I go to see her once in a while. I'm not unhappy. I'm lonesome, but I'm NOT unhappy. You see, because when I came out of that hospital, that particular morning, I had my show on. I had it in a hurry. It was January 22nd, it was a bit cold in New York. And I stood there in the park, and there was no light, and it was dark, and it was cold. And I asked my friend upstairs, I said, what do you do to me? And you know, I was a little upset, and I just couldn't figure it out. I wasn't upset that I would be wild, but just upset inside I just didn't understand. I said why don't you do that to me now? Now, now that everything is good at her first possible length, and now she's dead. And I told him, I said, when I tell you how much he answered me, how am I going to be alone without her? Because everything I did she helped me with. I couldn't even book a meeting without her. And I couldn''t answer the phone without her I said what am I to do now? Well you know the answer came to me there in that yard In that hospital yard The answer came to me that it could have been quite different. It could have be that I had died on a bowery and never knew this woman again. It could be that i never had a third son. And suddenly it boomed on me. I was given back my life, and my wife, and children. children, and I had them for 25 long years, where I was able to make a new life for me and prove to them that I did love them, and that I love a father and a husband. And she died extremely happy. And I tell you, there's nobody ever going to get out of this world alive. And if I have to go, I hope that I go exactly the same way. So you see, I don't fear death, and I don't fear life. I fear nothing anymore because I realize how good my friend upstairs is to me, a sick alcoholic. So that day I knew what my answer was. And I jumped in the car, and when I didn't go home, I went right down to Pennsylvania, and I picked up my son. And I said, John, we got a problem. He says, I know. I could tell by by your face. And he said, well, it's all right, Pop. He said, she's up there now and she's directing a new friend upstairs. Tell her then what to do. And He says, you've got an open line right now to hire, Pop." So now I look at my son, I see my wife. I look at my Son and I see God. I'm the richest man in this world. I have everything that I need, of everything that I could possibly need. Not everything that I want but everything that i need. I live well, I sleep well because I have peace in my heart. I don't know what serenity is but peace I have in my heart because I know that each day when I get up I say my little prayer and those yellow cards on both ends are my little prayer and if you'd like to join me tomorrow do because you see each day that I get up I must remember my name is Jack Pratt and I'm an alcoholic and I must point myself in the right direction and when I get up in the morning I don't do anything until I say my little prayer it's called secret I meet my God in the Morning when my day is at its best and his presence comes like sunrise like a glory in my breast all day long this presence and swingers and all day long he stays with me and we sail in perfect calmness on a very troubled sea so I think I know the secret learned from many a troubled way you must seek him in the morning if you want him throughout the day there's no more that I can tell you I'm very happy to be here I wish you all love and I wish you all everything that the higher power has in store for you and I would remind you too and if I can do it you can do it too and I'd like to leave you all with a little blessing that I love so well may the roads rise with you may the wind always be at your back may the sun gently warm your face and the rain softly fall on your fields and until we meet again may the good Lord hold us all in the hollow of his hand thank you and God bless you