Dick M. at the Monday Night Workshop – 1988

Good evening ladies and gentlemen, my name is Dick Martin and I'm an alcoholic. Hi everybody, but for the grace of God and the actions of AA and sponsorship, I've been sober since September the 15th, 1965, and I am very pleased about that. I am, this evening, what I want to do is to, very briefly, I'm going to talk about how I sponsor. And that doesn't mean it's supposed to be how you're supposed to sponsor, or how anybody else sponsors, nor is it all of how I do it, nor is exactly how I'd do it nor is at anything. So what I'm going to do is I'm gonna talk for a while and hope that you're able to pick up some ideas that perhaps might work for you and might work with the people that you sponsor and perhaps you may not. This evening has been a tremendous example of group conscience at work It came out to nothing, but that's okay because it started with nothing. So, you know, and it ended up that way. And I think groups that are run by good kings still work the best, you know, where they have an unknown steering committee like Christy. Christy doesn't know it, but she's been in the steering committee for years. What we do is we program the meeting to satisfy her needs. and it's wait a minute it's worked perfectly how long you been sober Christy? how long? hey yeah now anybody that doesn't have almost 10 years can't really gripe about it because it's work for Christy and that's the way that is so it's kind of interesting isn't it nobody ever knew it was Christy that we were trying to stay sober keep sober sponsorship falls in all kinds of categories. Sponsorship falls in the category of one person talking to and helping on an ongoing basis another person, and that's what I'm really going to direct my remarks to this evening rather than the other kinds of sponsorship, which I may be at the moment sponsoring all of you in the room, if you will, because you're hearing what i have to say and you can choose to do it or not do it as you will uh i may be uh you may be sponsoring someone because you're sitting on the steering committee of the group you're you're sponsoring the group uh you maybe contributing in sponsorship by making coffee there's just all kinds of ways but any way that you can think of in any obtuse way or whatever but i'm talking about the ongoing responsibility that comes to pass after a 12-step call is made and uh i say after a12 step call is maden i mean by that you know we can't sponsor anyone who's drinking we do 12 step work on people who are drinking if someone stops drinking that is their entrance into alcoholics anonymous and then they're a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. And so from that point, we can be their sponsor. Now, if they drank, we cease being their sponsor because they abdicate their membership in Alcoholics Anonymous, I mean, they may return to meetings, they can return drinking as far as that's concerned. But we really can't sponsor someone when they're drinking. And that doesn't mean that we can't be friendly to them. That doesn't means we can talk to them that mean doesn't me We can't help them because those are all of the things that we do in 12-step work and making a 12-stepped call. However, on a continued basis of being a sponsor and expecting someone to take some sort of direction or some sort OF suggested path of recovery, some action, you know, the only thing that we can tell somebody who's drinking is don't take the first drink. That's all we can say. I mean, beyond that they can't hear anything anyway. So all you can say is just don't tak e the first drank. And if you're willing not to take the first drink, then we're willing to help you further in other areas of sobriety. Because there is something beyond not drinking. If there wasn't something beyond non-drinking, I wouldn't be here nearly 23 years sober. Because Alcoholics Anonymous would have held nothing for me, nothing for me, if it hadn't been something beyond not drinking. And I had to have that guidance and that help to get what was beyond that not drinking. So, I believe that as far as sponsorship is concerned, if someone asks me to sponsor them, I do not solicit to sponsor people. I have done it in the past, and I just don't do it anymore because i'm sponsor enough people generally uh i take on one new person a year and i will not take on any more than that because it's not fair to a new man considering the number of other responsibilities that i have but i will take on 1 new person here i only sponsor men i don't sponsor women and the reason why i only sponsor men is because the nature of the relationship uh is so confidential and it can become involved that if i were to sponsor women perhaps what would end up happening is i would be creating new material for a new fourth step and uh i've been told that there's a slip under every skirt and i kind of believe that for me maybe not for you but i believe that for me and so that's what i do and i suggest to the people that i sponsor that they follow that same direction that doesn't mean that i'm unwilling to help a gal that doesn' t mean that I'm not unwilling but what i do is i don't place myself in a private position with any female except my wife in other words i will be glad to speak to them publicly i'll be glad to speak to them in the presence of other people and that solves a problem for me uh in that it doesn't put me in a position where i'm uh jeopardizing my own life because my life is important to me okay where are we because she'd kill me oh okay maybe some one day someday i'll be benign enough that I'll be able to sponsor women, but Peggy says no. I think that the basic thing that I ask, and I ask this of each person that I sponsor, that he be willing to take every and I say you got to be willingto do one thing and one thing alone. And they look at me and they say oh boy this is going to be easy. And I say what I want you to do is to agree to take every principled action that I ask you to take. Every principled action that i ask you take. Now frankly, that's no big deal. If it's principled it's going to work and it's gonna eventually feel good. It may not feel good initially but eventually it'll feel good and so most people are willing to go along with that. That's one. Two, there is no negotiation in sponsorship and that is to say if if you ask me for direction and help and action and i give it to you i'm not going to argue with you about it you're either going to take it or you can find a new sponsor and i don't really you know i frankly i don t care which one it really doesn't make any difference because if you're not going to be willing to take the help that i offer on the terms that i offered to you then you can be your own brain surgeon, and I mean that literally. If you went to a doctor because you had a brain tumor and he suggested you go to a brain surgeon you'd go to the brain surgeon and say well this is a process we're going to go through and you would say now wait a minute doctor I think that you're going make that cut into the cranium one centimeter to the left too much i think it should be a little more to the right or it should be a Little more vertical and horizontal you know I don't think that you're going to tell a brain surgeon how to operate on your brain nor do I think that a new person should be telling their sponsor how they are going to recover if they knew how to recover then they wouldn't be asking for help in the first place and it's really that simple we don't expect new people to come into Alcoholics Anonymous and prescribe their own recovery. We ask people who are new to come into Alcoholic Anonymous to participate in their own recovery, and there's an entirely... there's a tremendous difference. We don't really think that a new person in Alcoholics Anonymous is capable of doing a lot of things. Now we don't think that from the beginning we assume that they're not from the beginning otherwise why are they in Alcoholics Anonymous well we've got to assume that they're very principled in the beginning or else they wouldn't be an AA we've to make that assumption now we don't tell them that but we just say we just presume that they are not very principled and so what we do is we begin at the beginning and try to suggest principles that principled actions that they can take which will make them feel better about themselves the whole program of Alcoholics Anonymous is designed to make people feel better about themselves and I say designed it's not psychologically designed it is spiritually or divinely inspired program that brings about the change where we end up as individuals feeling better about ourselves having increased our humility and increased our self-esteem at the same time that sounds like a contradiction but it's really not an increase in humility and an increase impersonal self-worth or self-esteem at the same time and that's what the actions of a a bring about they increase humility and increase personal self worth what you're to feel like so I think the sponsor has to be willing on an ongoing basis to receive phone calls at any time. You know, frankly, when a guy is new, I ask him to call me every day for six weeks. And I suggest that they call me in hours that are convenient for me, not in hoursthat are convenientfor them. At times that areconvenient for me because I'm the one thatthey're asking for help, so they should seek my convenience and try to fit themselves into my convenience rather than to fit themselves into their convenience i think a new person has been doing things to their convenience for a long time and i think it's about time that they take other people into consideration i ask that they call before 11 o'clock at night if they can and i say if they can I think that everyone could make a phone call and daylight hours or an early evening hours and I think it would be appropriate to ask that but I tell them you may call at any time when you consider it an emergency when you consider so important that it can't wait till tomorrow morning I don't care if you call me one two three four five o'clock in the morning they're making difference to me there are some people who do that and hang up now I think they're calling peggy really but uh you know certainly it wouldn't hang up on me but uh fortunately we have only had two of those with any regularity in the past week and that's kind of nice for a change one of the things that i tried to tell the new guys that sobriety comes first the first thing is you just don't take that first rank and i tell them how to go about not taking that first night by having aa literature with them having it available by going to a meeting every day for the first six weeks every day or every evening preferably to go to if they can if their working hours permit uh many of them say well now wait a minute i'm i'm married i have a family i want to suggest to you i've never seen a newcomer yet whose wife and family really want him to be at home at night you know they're kind of used to him being away for the first place and uh kind of running things and we don't want to attack them running things right away so we allow them to go ahead and continue to run things for a while and also relieve them of the anxiety that having the drunk sobering up even at home for the first few weeks and that allows the drunk by the way who doesn't want to be home anyway a good place to go and it serves both parties well it relieves the family because they know that he is doing something to help himself and it relievers him because he knows he is going to help himself so i don't really i don t have any feelings about negotiating that one way or another i request that they attend a meeting where i am if they live in the area that they regularly attend meetings where i go to meetings i suggest to them the meetings that i will feel that i feel will be the best for them where they can more have a better chance of running into you and other newcomers but you know with the idea with the basic idea that if they see the same people every night, eventually they're going to get the idea that you can stay sober because they're gonna see other people staying sober and they see the same People. They get to be known and they get to Be friendly and they get to know and respect the people that are there. And eventually maybe they'll want to be like they are. Maybe they want to Be like you are. May be they want To be sober. Maybe they'll wanna participate in other things aside from simply going plotting their way through a meeting for the rest of their life. I I frankly believe my sponsor is a very strong advocate of you don't drink and you don t use no matter what even if your ass falls off you know you call your sponsor first and try to see what can go from there and it doesn't make any difference what time that is if it gets to the point where taking a drink is an option you better call your sponsor and if you're new taking a drink is an option every day so call your sponsor every day simple enough i uh i aid the guys that i sponsor to go through the things that they're afraid of i suggest to them principled actions that they can take where they will not be harmed, that they can take and walk through and eventually walk through the things that they're afraid of. Eventually walk throughthe things thatthey're afraidof. I suggest everybody comes to AA with a peck bag full of problems. I suggest that we take careof them one at a time. First, we takecare of the drinking problem, and we put that behind us. We just don't take a drink a day at a time. Second, we take care of the next problem, like being self-supporting, like getting a job. That's our first criteria. I feel that the people that I sponsor would feel better about themselves if they work and if they're earning money. And I'm almost sure that all the guys that I sponsored are working right now, which doesn't always work that way. I ask them to select a home group, And a home group is a meeting, a meeting A night where you are going to be there Unless you're dead Now, you could be in bed with a temperature Of 102 plus If it's 102 going down Then you can go to your home group meeting But I mean, I really feel that I have to be Very ill in order not to go to my home group I have to be very ill not to go to my home group. I have, you know, Peggy has to be calling John A. Gentleman on the phone and saying, well, what are the price of the caskets before I won't go to a meeting on my home groups? And I'll tell you why. One, it's one meeting a week where you can be seen and people know you're there, and if you're not there, ask why. there are certain people that i know who are who gradually pull out of aa and they just don't show up i can think of one person one person comes to my mind very simply and very easily and i was thinking that you know that person wasn't there at the meeting last friday when i was there and normally they are and i didn't know where they were nobody else knew where they were nobody else asked where they were either nobody cared because erratic in attending meetings it gets so people really don't care whether they're there or they're not there regular attendance at meetings lets people know that you care and then they care we've got to care enough about ourselves to protect our own sobriety and make some little effort to do so before other people are going to care. And the more effort we make, the more we care about our sobriete, then the more other people are going care about us also and care for us. When we stop caring about our sobriety then other people start caring less about our sobriete and that's the way that is I um I suggest that because people don't feel very good when they come to and come to a a when I say they don't feel very they don t feel very about going to a they don't feels very good about home they don' t feel good about work they don''t feel good about play they don't feel good about anything and so what i do is i ask them to please act better than they feel act better than they feel just to move up stand up a little taller than you would don't droop don't let people know how really sorry you feel for yourself i mean that's the object you know fake it a little bit so that they'll think that you're a man i mean you may not be like be a man but god damn it act like a man you know for the first time in your life try to act like a under all the circumstances that you can act like and it's really kind of simple when you think about it and if i was saying it to a woman it would be the same thing damn it if you can't be a woman act like a woman quit acting like some kind of a wimp and women are wimps just like men or webs be what you are be a man be a woman whatever you are being something even if you don't feel like it even if you don t feel like and it really doesn t make any difference whether you feel like it or not because frankly there isn't anybody who really cares how you feel and you know i know that that's kind of a sad thing because we all wanted somebody to care how we felt but i tell you nobody really cares my sponsor doesn't give a damn how i feel about anything he really does he cares about the actions i take but he didn't care how i'd feel because he knows just like i know with the guys that i sponsor they can feel one way today and somebody will come around and open a window and they'll change their feelings they'll changed their whole attitude so well i don't want to do that you know just because the window was open just because a new waft of air came in or a pretty girl walked by or whatever it was oh wow i didn't know you wanted me to do that you know that makes sense to me whatever it is so feelings change and they change so So there's nothing in the world so horrible that a good night's sleep won't make it a lot better. You ever know that? A good night, I mean, God, I'm going to leave her. Can't stand that bitch anymore. You know, there's just no sense in this. Just go to sleep. See what it feels like in the morning. See how you feel about it in the mind. Just keep your mouth shut. Act like a man. Good night, honey. Love you. Go to sleep. Say a little prayer for lying. And get it over with. Go on to sleep, wake up the next morning. You're going to feel differently. You're gonna feel differently than you did the night before. And I'll guarantee it. And I guarantee you will feel more positive about what you believe the next morning. i try to suggest to the guys that i sponsor not to get too hungry angry lonely or tired not because they're bad things but because their mood alters they alter your mood most of the guysthat i sponsor are now overweight because they'll never get too hungry i know my sponsor taught me well but really if you get hungry if i when i get hungry it's like i think what i want to do is i want a kill i mean i just want to kill i mean it's not nothing else no big deal i just want to go i just get this feeling in my in my stomach that i ought to kill somebody because they haven't provided for me Because I need it now You know, it's the same sort of a feeling that you get inside When you needed it when you wanted to take a drink when you had that compulsion to drink It's the scene sort of feeling physical feeling So eat some if your meal isn't ready eat a piece of cheese eat an apple eat something eat a peace of celery carrot I don't care what you eat something If you feel hungry eat something if you're new we suggest you eat something sweet because it will make that desire go away if you are not diabetic ok don't get too hungry don't gets too angry walk away from the situation if things get tough if things gets rough if you get to the point where you just can't stand it the way it is there's a door and you can walk out the same damn door that you came in, and you can say, this is getting to be too much. I'm too uncomfortable, and I feel that I would like to leave. Thank you very much for having me, and leave. Be polite. Be a man. Grit your teeth. Do it, and walk away before it gets to the point that you punch somebody's lights out or something else so don't get too angry don't Get Too Lonely when we are by ourselves too much and not with our people enough we start thinking and the worst thing in the world that an alcoholic can do is to think because no matter what it is you're thinking about it will end up that you think you're thinking negatively i mean i can project the finest things outcome in the world for me i really can't i can think of all kinds of readers digest sweepstakes i don't think i think it's a fake really i really think it i really doesn't i think if somebody just put these things in the mail to us and nothing ever happens but you know i may be wrong but that's the way i think i fill them in every time and mail them back i still think it's a fact i mean i don't know anybody that's ever won anything i don'T EVEN KNOW ANYBODY THAT'S EVER KNOWN ANYBody YOU KNOW YOU KNOW I JUST THINK IT'S A FAKE BUT WHEN I START SITTING THERE THINKING ABOUT IT and I think about winning it and I think to myself, uh-huh and I bet you she would want some of it too. She would probably have some input into it. Well what right does she have just because she lives with me to do something like that for Christ's sake You know I think that I ought to make the decision on what's going to happen with that money as if I had it Then I end up hating her because you know, because in my mind she has destroyed my ability to make decisions so it's better for me just to say I don't even think it exists when it happens next week I suppose I will consider it differently I'll call my sponsor I may not tell her about it for a day or two no that's not true I wouldn't do that because that's not being a man and that's not being polite and it's not being practical she would find out about it sooner or later even when i got to new zealand she'd say gee i wonder how he got to new zealander so at any way it's not practical it's not practical to be deceptive it's not practical deceive yourself it's not practical just to deceive others and therefore it's not practical to get too lonely is it because we start thinking and nothing ever turns out right even when you're in conversation have you ever thought out a complete conversation you know i said he said she said they said and so on take it one step further next time and you know what you'll end up doing you blow your brains out that's all if you just just take because it never ends up the way I think it's going to end up, because I always think it is going to end up with them screwing me. That's the way I always figure. It never ends up that way. Never ends up that way at all. It usually ends up somewhere between that and something wonderful, about halfway in between. And so if I figure everything that's gonna happen to me is gonna be kind of halfway in-between being bad and being good, my life is alright isn't it? You know it's kind of medium but i can handle medium real good and that's the way i think my life is going to be i think it's going to kind of be in the middle i think if you kind of kind of be medium and i think occasionally it's gonna tilt up or down but mostly it's gonna be in middle and i'll tell you being in the middle is a far cry from where it was when i first came to alcoholics and all so i like being in middle i think that's good that's up from where i came down by the way that medium moves up too all the time the longer you stay sober the higher medium moves because we set a little better goals for ourselves we set little better standards for ourselves so let the new guy know and i let the New Guy know that he can do and be anything he wants to be within the realm of his desire to be that and his intellect the only thing will stop him from being what he wants to be is his intellect and his desire to be that thing. That's it. You can be anything that you want to be within the realm of your desire to be that things and your intellect, perhaps your talent in some cases. But most of all learn to be polite if a person asks me to sponsor them. The first thing I would say was you know if they came to me and said Dick would you sponsor me I would say please now say they look at me and say please what would you sponsor meet please oh I think that please and thank you are very important words burn them when I was about that tall and I think I forgot him when I about this tall and i think that we need to be reminded to say please and thank you sometimes we need to be reminded of all things polite and all things good and gentle because we've forgotten we've just forgotten what it's like because we've been so defensive for so many years we don't really have to defend ourselves anymore we have to put ourselves in a position where we need not defend ourselves and if you live a principled life then you need not defend yourself on anything ever again. Never. Boy, what a relief that was when my sponsor told me that, and I've told the guys that are sponsoring that. Be principled. Be principlable about what you do, and you don't have to defend yourself. The only people who defend themselves are people that ultimately discover, hopefully, they're wrong. The only time I ever defend myself is when I am wrong. I don't have to defend myself when I'm right. I know I'm wrong. I don' t really care whether you know I' m right or not when I know that I' M right. But when you think I' R W O N G and I have to de fend it, then I know l' m wrong. I know i' m w r o g h because we don' T have to defen d things that are right. We don' L have to define principal things. We only have to defend unprincipled things, rationalizations and justifications and so on and so forth. So we try to do that. AA is full of practical, polite solutions. I really feel that AA, if you want to put a test to it, is it AA? And you can say, well, is It practical? Is It polite? Is it principled? What effect is it going to have on other people? And I don't mean people being smart-mouthed, because I'm smart-mouthed all the time. I got in a lot of trouble before I came to AA with that, and some trouble since I've been in AA with that. But I don'T mean that sort of thing, becauseI think that that's done in jest more than anything else in AA. I think that the new guy has to set an example and become the best AA member that he can become. I've never seen a guy yet, especially a single guy who came into AA who didn't want a mate of some sort. Some of them wanted some strange mates. I mean, I don't have anything against orangutans for the guys that I sponsor as long as they're female orangutang. No, I mean I really don't care. But the point I'm really trying to make is that people are lonely, and there's a need to fill, and it's a very natural desire to have a mate. And I understand that. However, I strongly recommend that they stand back from trying to select one in their early days of sobriety because they'll find one that's just about as sick as they are. And it's sad but true. You know, I got married when I was 11 months sober. she was sober a year and a half longer than i was i don't know why she married me she should have been better than she was apparently but we're just about the same sickness and that's why that and that is how we ended up getting married of course we've been married 22 years now so we just managed to perpetuate that sickness a year at a time and we're going we decided we'd make a stab at it for another year stick around for another year and see what's going to happen in 23 years or at least I made the determination I was going to do that, I suppose she's going to stay around I would like to think so I'm not sure though but you know what this is something else that I had to learn and I had to learn the hard way. And that Peggy had to learn and she had to learn the harder way. You know, if Peggy were to leave tomorrow, I would survive. I would get along. I would be able to get along just fine. And I would get along just fine because I have the people in AA. And if I were to leave tomorrow, she'd get along just fine for the same reason. She'd get along just fine." She would survive very well, thank you, because of the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. We can survive. We can stay sober with a job without a job with a wife without a wife we can stay sober no matter what all we have to do is just not take that first thing even beth beth is coming to understand that a day at a time and that's the way we all learn we learn a day ahead of time and we become more and more convinced and what we have to do is to encourage the newcomer to stick around long enough so that they can become more convinced. We have to encourage the newcomers, we have care for them because they can't care for themselves until such a time as they can care for themselves and then we ask that they care for themselves and we'll care too. Be loyal. Be loyal i was never loyal when i was drinking that was one of the principles that i just didn't understand i didn't i mean it's okay it's Okay to illustrate loyalty in front of other people I mean God you got to impress them with that but behind their back screw them right you know hey gotta take care of me screw them that's not being loyal that's simply not being loyal you know I always kind of figured as long as I signed my paycheck on the back and my boss signed the paycheck on front he was a boss when it reversed and I signed it on the front they sign it on the back then I'm the boss but until such a time they know better than I do they know what they're willing to do better than I know what their will so I have to go along with what they willing to do until I know better. I ask them to thank the speaker no matter whether the speaker is good, bad or indifferent they like what's been said or they don't like what they've said just to thank every speaker at an AA meeting and the reason for that is the speaker is doing the best they can with what they have simply they're doing the best they cam with what they have and you can walk up there and thank them and walk away saying you did the best you could with what you had, or you can say thank you and keep on walking and say I'm glad I can make a better talk than that. You can say anything that you want to in your own head, but you act polite and you thank every speaker, and if you thank everyone, you don't have to make a determination as to the contribution they're making to your life or your sobriety. You can wait and see what happens on that. They may make a larger contribution to your sobrieties than you really know. they may be such a good example that eventually you want to follow them or they may end up being such a bad example that you don't want to have anything to do with because you're going to judge and I teach the fellows that I sponsor to judge and I teacher them that they're going to judge and that they are going to be very judgmental I ask them to watch the people around them and see what they do and see how they behave and see wat they do in their life And follow the winners. Follow those people who are doing and doing principle things and who are living comfortable lives. Watch them. And yet, when you watch them like that, you have to make a judgment as to whether they're cutting it or not, as to weather they're making it or not, as to wether they're living principle lives or not. You have to be able to make those judgments. And you have learn to be very judgmental. You don't have to express your judgment. You can just simply be judgmental learn and understand and come to understand that isn't to put someone down as to simply learn what you shouldn't should not do I think that a member of Alcoholics Anonymous should go to a meeting on their anniversary on the and we talk about anniversaries in Alcoholics Anonymous those are the celebrations of one year or two or ten or twenty or whatever it happens to be. I think that they should do that to prove to themselves that they know where sobriety came from. To prove to themself, not to prove anybody else, not to impress anyone else, but simply to have the humility to do something to acknowledge the fact that your life as it stands today came from what you did in the beginning in Alcoholics Anonymous, just to simply acknowledge it. I ask that they not wear hats when they're in a building because I don't think it's polite to wear a hat in the building. I don t think that it s polite. I ve been taught since I was a kid not to wear your hat in the presence of a woman, in the presence a lady. And although you may not think that the women in AA are ladies, they re trying desperately to be ladies and if we help them think they are maybe they'll act better than they feel and maybe they will become ladies so we just kind of quietly do that don't express any comment on whether they are or they aren't just a very simply to understand that we can be polite I ask them not to dress down to go to AA meetings not to look worse than you did when you were working but to at least look that good if not better and if you're dirty change your clothes take a shower before you come if you smell bad thank a shower use deodorant you'd be amazed how many people you have to suggest when they're new to take a show every day and to use deoderant and brush your teeth and get a haircut every ten days to two weeks it's amazing it's really amazing I suggest that they learn to be self-supporting by putting something in the basket when it goes by eventually when they have the money to do so I recommend that at their home group that one meeting that they're always going to attend whether they're even if they're dead that they put two dollars in there to make it as good a group as they can make it and the other groups they be self-supporting do what they can in those other meetings uh i ask that they participate in alcoholics anonymous that they help that they helped set up chairs they help pick up the ashtrays they'll put the tables away they help newcomers they pick somebody up and take them to a meeting they take them home whatever it happens to be i ask that if they have the ability and the time to participate in the things that other aaa members do like playing golf or going on a picnic or going to a roundup or we're going to ames to hear clancy or whatever you know participate in life and participate at home and participate at work everywhere you go try to make it a little bit better than it was when you got there try to leave it a Little bit better when you go to work see what you can add to work see out what you can do to make it better there when you're at home try to see what you can do to make home better while you're while you are there try to see what you can do to make it better while you are playing try to see what you can do to make play better no matter where you are try to add to life try to add to it instead of taking away from it don't try to see what you can get out of life but try to see what you can give to life we have been takers and takers and taker and it's time to change and to be a giver and the reason why we do that when we give like that it makes our surroundings better and we feel better we feel more comfortable if we're polite and kind and considerate of the people around us they eventually will treat us politely and kindly and with consideration it's amazing how they change when we change I think the person should have a daily contact with another a member I don't care whether they've been sober ten days or two weeks or two years or 10 years or 20 years or whatever it happens to be I think that they should have an daily contact with another aa member one that is not related to them a simple phone call a simple phone call going to a meeting works that way too but when you're new it's best to call a couple of people a day and get to know them so that you set up your chain of life because what ends up happening is we end up finding that alcoholics anonymous provides a benign place for us to be where we're not afraid or not going to be hurt and we have to assure the newcomer of that and he finds that out and he or she finds that out by talking with other members by getting to know them and see what they have gone through i uh I try to let them know that alcoholics are not bad people who can't come to AA to get good, but they're sick people who come to AAA to get well. And I try it to assure them that they can get well, that they've been good about themselves. I try and make that assurance to them because in fact it's true. We can feel good about ourselves. We can recover from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body. We never get well from alcoholism, we're never cured from alcoholismo, but we can recover form a seemingly helpless state of the mind and the body. And when I came to Alcoholics Anonymous I had a seemingly hopeless state-of-mind and body, I'll tell you. NAA provided through sponsorship, provided me the vehicle so that i don't feel hopeless and helpless and hapless anymore i feel okay and that's what i try to get the people that i sponsor to do i don t lie to people that are sponsored i don' t knowingly deceive them in any fashion and consequently i don''t expect them to knowingly deceive me in any fashion I expect them to deceive me but not knowingly because we're very used to lying so you know it's I expect to be lied to but I write them down and if they lie to me eight times they get the cat-of-nine-tails that isn't it at all you know doesn't serve anyone to live a life of deceit and I think that they learn the self the confidence in another person preferably their sponsor if they're honest and if their sponsors honest with them we didn't come into a to make friends I don't stay in a a to make friends i'm in a so that i can stay sober and help others to achieve sobriety that's why I'm here that's the exact reason why I am here to stay sober and help other alcoholics to achieve I'm fulfilling that that's why I'm here that's what I'm doing what I am doing tonight that's where I'll be at my home group tomorrow night because I want to stay sober and I want to help other alcoholic to achieve sobriety we try to get that message across to the newcomer a is not just get sober a is to stay sober the object in Alcoholics Anonymous is to stay sober one day at a time for the rest of our lives if we're alcoholic we're never going to get over being alcoholic we were never gonna get cured of alcoholism and so we have to take care of it on a daily basis just like if we had diabetes we'd have to take care of that on a day so we take care of our alcoholism on a daily basis, just one day at a time. I try to let them know that I understand that they didn't come to Alcoholics Anonymous to find God or to seek God. I tryと let them understand that if they work the 12-step program of AlcoholicsAnonymous, they will come to understand in a power greater than themselves, which they can call anything that they want to call. And they will develop that relationship by simply working the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. And they can called that higher power anything that they want call it. I really don't care. It doesn't bother me in the least. At first, I suggest that they call that higher powered dick. And the reason why I suggest is I know whether you ever felt thought about this or not but in two o'clock in the morning between two and four o' clock in the which is the suicide time when you're lying there stark raving crazy in your bed and you can't go to sleep and it's time for the rope or the river if something is going to happen to me i need desperately to have some kind of a higher power with skin on it to talk to me because i am lonely i am lonely and i had much rather a person have a higher power with skin and be telling the truth than to claim that they have something else when in fact that they don't have anything to claim that they have a relationship with some other higher power beyond that when in fact they have none i would rather than be honest and to be simply honest i think it's very necessary that we come to understand that i think we sponsor new people differently than we sponsor people who've been sober for six years well a brand new person we sponsored differently than a person that's been sober for six weeks we expect a little something out of a person that's been sober for six week we expect more out of someone who has been sober three months or six months or a year or two years or three years we expect them more to be able to confine themselves to doing what they said they were going to do when they said there were going good and to take those actions that are necessary most of the time without being reminded to do so I think that the new person is sponsored entirely different than a person who's been sober for some years because again if you're sponsoring someone who's in sober a number of years you expect them to know the rudiments and to be able to follow that someone who has been sober many years certainly they have established a pattern and a discipline uh where they can feel more comfortable and sponsorship at that point is a little different it's not entirely different there are times when my sponsor steps on my toes there are times when i step on the toes of the guys that i sponsor who've been sober for some years and i'll let them know that they're out alive and what they're doing or saying is out of line and i have no hesitancy in doing it at all my sponsor does it to me and he's been sober almost 30 years and i would expect him to do that and i would want him to be that because i want to know when i'm getting out of life i want i know when I'm not doing what i should be doing i think sponsorship is a very personal thing and i think that the way we sponsor is going to be different because we're different human beings and ii think that the way we sponsor one person is going to be slightly different than the way we sponsor another person because they're different human beings some of them take a very structured sponsorship call me at 10 a.m on thursday morning i have one guy that does that i asked him to do that eight months ago he has never called me at ten a. m never he's called me at 10 of 10 5 of 10 7 minutes after 10 10 30 4 30 in the afternoon you know he's never called at 10 a.m now i don't know what that means about his life i think it's probably kind of like that I think it's probably kind of like that. As a matter of fact, I'd be willing to bet it is. I think, it really varies because it must vary. I've been called a dictator sponsor and I want you to know that there's no such thing as a dictator sponsor because there can't be. Just as soon as you start dictating something to somebody you know what they do end up doing they say screw you turn around and walk away you don't dictate to people in the first place it doesn't work you know it simply doesn't but as long as they're taking the direction that you give them and I am a directive sponsor and I allow you if I'm sponsoring you to participate in your direction by taking the principled actions that we agree that you should do I also suggest to the guys that I sponsor if if we are talking about something and I suggest that you do this and you agree to do that then it's yours 100% you don't go home to your wife and say you know because I'll deny it and I didn't say such a thing I didn t say any such a time if you agree that it's principled it's yours and you can use it in any fashion you wish to but you don't use me as a as a tool to justify your actions i've had some people do that and they have justified some very strange actions which i would never suggest for an example and that's the reason why i won't be responsible once you walk out the door it's yours baby if you buy it it's your and no returns there's no return policy no guarantees there is one guarantee in alcoholics anonymous if you don't take a drink you're going to stay sober if you don't that first drink you're gonna stay sober i'll give you another guarantee if you don't have that first drink and stay sober and if you have a sponsor who cares i think that you will learn to be comfortable with yourself as an eventuality and you can learn to be comfortable under some of the most harebrained horrible circumstances that you could ever put yourself in and you probably will i think it's interesting i think the guys that i sponsor are very interesting it's uh added a lot to my life sponsoring guys because they they do some of the damnedest things in the i really have to laugh at them not because of what they do but because what they doing the name of solution you know oh this is my solution to this ha punch your lights out you know that's a solution you now we don't laugh at them or their circumstances we end up laughing at their solutions at the solutions that they seemingly take. I, uh, the messenger's going by. I want to thank Jerry for asking me to talk tonight on sponsorship in the way I believe it should be and the way i believe it is for me and for the guys that I sponsor. uh if you're sponsored by one of the fellows in the chain of sobriety somewhere that i sponsored don't take it out on me if your sponsor suggests you do something you bought it it ain't it ain t his and damn it don't bring it back and punch my lights out either you know just don't pick on me i'm all right aa is great aaa is a great place to live AA is the garbage can of the world we collect all of the alcoholic garbage in the world and what we have to do is to understand that when people recover that every now and then they're gonna do something it makes them smell like garbage and we have contend with that and we have to allow them to do that so allow them the dignity of being wrong allow them the Dignity of being able to do we can't prevent people from doing wrong things and we can never be surprised when someone does something wrong what do you expect from an alcoholic no I never take credit for a person's sobriety and i don't take credit for them getting drunk either but i'm very pleased and i'm very proud to sponsor the guys that i sponsor and i am also very pleased and very proud of the people that they sponsor and I'm also very pleased and very proud of the people that they sponsored and on and on and on because they are a great group of people and i trust my life with them on a daily basis and so far it's worked for almost 23 years i have bet my life that what i am doing and what you're doing is going to work and it's work for almost 23 years. I think I'll do it again tomorrow. Thank you.