The Sanity of a Predictable Schedule – John A.

Hello, and welcome to SoberCast, where we provide AA speaker meetings and workshops in podcast format. We're an ad-free podcast, and if you enjoy listening, please help us be self-supporting by visiting Sobercast.com, look for the donate link, and drop a dollar or two into our virtual basket. We hope you enjoy the podcast. Have a great day. We have a pod named John. Hi, John. So I'm actually really happy that the meeting started in such a crazy and chaotic way. What? It makes me feel a lot more comfortable sharing because otherwise it's just pretty terrifying. I moved to Oakland about three months ago, four months ago in January. I don't know why you all are so scary. You guys are definitely a lot cooler than the people in D.C., like on average. Like I'm talking like kind of hip cool, like hip slick and cool. um so you got that going for you which is great but it makes you kind of scary um so i was born in a fancy little suburb outside of washington dc um everything was pretty set for me in life i was born to friendly parents who loved me wanted to support me and wanted to do everything they could to help me they might have not done the best at all times but they tried their hardest um and everything was basically all all right. But for some reason, I guess I never really felt like I was in the right body or the right life or anything was really right. My mom tells me a lot when I was she doesn't tell me a lot, but she tells me that very frequently when I Was very young. I would talk often about like killing myself or wanting to die or at least wanting to be reborn into a better life because because I wasn't happy with it, and this didn't mean anything to me at the time. It was just something that I said. I didn't give it any thought. I don't even really remember it, but I guess it means something. I don' t know. I don''t think that's why I'm an alcoholic. I think a lot of people feel that exact same way and go through that exact sam feelings and do not drink like I did as a response to it, but I did. I don ''t know if it runs in my family. We don'' t talk about that. It's not appropriate discussion to bring up another's and our family's anything. So we didn't talk about that. Let's see. I'm going to skip forward to all of it. I started drinking in high school. It worked really well. I was – I didn't know how to make friends. I was really bad at it. Well, no. You know what? I made friends fine, but as soon as they were friends with me, I suddenly thought that something was wrong with them and I didn'T want to be friends with them anymore. And I constantly went to the people who were mean to me, expecting and hoping that they would be my friends. And I did that throughout elementary school, middle school, high school. And probably still do it to this day. I don't know. That'll be determined. So I was very unhappy as a kid for some reason. I think it started when I was 10. And eventually I found alcohol. I'm going to refer to everything as alcohol if I mess that up. I apologize. I'm not good at that. it. Um, so I found alcohol when I was like 14 or something. It worked really well. In fact, it worked fantastically. I made friends, life made sense. I was able to like interact with my family. I WAS ABLE TO BE A MEANINGFUL MEMBER OF MY FAMILY. I DID REALLY WELL IN SCHOOL. EVERYTHING JUST SORT OF CLICKED TOGETHER FOR ME. LIFE WAS GREAT. Uh, THAT WAS THROUGH HIGH SCHOOЛ. I did really well in high school. I went to a pretty good college and then it sort of, you know, it stopped working. Uh by the end of college, I was, I was often running away in the middle of a semester to go, you know, hide out in some random city on the East Coast until I was tracked down. And my parents say, hey, you go back to college and I do that and then I do it again. And then by the end, I wasn't running away. I was just going to psych wars because I don't know. That's where I ended up. So I graduated from college somehow and I went back to my house, my parents' house and did nothing. Absolutely nothing. Oh, wow. This time is not going by very quickly. you might be less than 10 minutes um so that was uh basically i just yeah i did nothing i just drank my parents basement um they would come downstairs they'd see me splayed out bottles everywhere and they'd say you're an alcoholic and i'd be like yeah i know but i don't really care and they're like you can't drink in here and i'm like okay and i drink and they wouldn't kick me out and i drank they wouldn'T kick me out they sent me to rehab not like they'd send me to like like, day rehab or IOP or whatever. And then I would just be like, no, I'm not drinking, but then I'd drink. And that continued until eventually some shit went down and it was bad and I went to a detox and I tried to be clean. I didn't know that you can't take – this is when I have to mention something besides alcohol. I didn'T know that abusing Suboxone was the same as not being clean. So as soon as I could, I abused Suboxine. You get high on it, but whatever. I'd heard it was something to abuse. I guess it tasted good or something. So that wasn't clean, but I still went to meetings for about nine months using the entire time thinking that I had it figured out. I could be in recovery and drink at the same time, and things were great. People tolerated me, I guess. They let me in meetings. They didn't shove me out. Eventually I gave up the pretext of that. I stopped going to meetings. Things got really bad. I started stealing very heavily from my parents. They had like this like antique silver, I guess was like the draw thing that I stole a lot of other stuff in my life, but that was the stuff they didn't want and sold them really bad. So they found out about that and they turned me out. They said, you can't live here anymore. And that was actually really hard for them, I'm sure because it had, that was, I mean, I should have been kicked out a long time ago before that. And they finally got to that point. It was at that point that I think is when – so up to that point, I knew I was – I guess I never knew it in these words. I knew that if I drank, I didn't stop drinking and that I had that inkling. I had been to meetings before in high school. I thought they were awesome. I thought the people were really cool, and I thought it made me really cool to be there. But it never occurred to me that it meant I should stop drinking. Then – so I was at this point, I was sort of just basically homeless, staying at friends' houses until they kind of like, you need to leave. And it's like it's sort of there's this moment. This is a defining moment for me. This is right before I got sober, was that many times before I had thrown my alcohol into a trash can and said, I'm done. I'm not drinking anymore. I don't want to do this anymore. more and then i would again find myself in that exact same trash can pulling it out later on and drinking it uh that happened many times but this one particular time this had happened it was in dc in august it was really hot outside that garbage can really was nasty and i was digging through it looking for the alcohol thrown away and in my head i was telling myself to stop i was saying like stop stop stop stopped i didn't want to drink i didn' t want to drink uh but i kept digging through garbage um i found the drink i drank it and soon after that i was in detox because i that was a place to sleep and i needed that place to asleep and somehow in there in that detox it finally dawned on me that i needed to change something i need to change everything in my life if i was going to um have a life and it was that moment the garbage can that i think that i worked my first step um in which i realized that i was was powerless over alcohol and that obviously my life was unmanageable um i couldn't i was drinking against my will at that point and that was i guess i didn't realize at the time and it actually came to like only a year later that i realized that was my first step um and so from there it was i guess probably the best way i could possibly start i had like a very firm understanding that i couldn'T drink if i drank i would die um they shut me off to some halfway house in bel-air Maryland and I was a wreck. I couldn't think, I couldn'T hold sentences together. I couldn' t, I forgot how to read. I couldn''t do anything. People thought I was just a lost cause. Um, I didn' t know, I had forgotten how to take care of like myself hygiene wise. I never showered and brushed my teeth. I think I'd been like three years without brushing my teeth at that point and probably quite some time without showering. And yet I came to meetings and people would definitely like, the people I'd sit next to would take their coffee cups and like kind of stick their nose in it a little bit or they'd get up and move somewhere. Uh, but no one ever said, said, you stink. You need to get out of here. This is disgusting. They let me stay. And they tolerated me. And I think I found a sponsor. At that point, I was willing. And so I had that first step in the garbage can. My second step was sort of my first night actual without any substances in me. I was in this halfway house. I couldn't sleep. My legs couldn't stay still. My alarms were screaming in my head. I could not fall asleep. And And begging, I had never believed in God or had any inkling of religiosity before that. But I was begging God to please, I'll do absolutely anything if you can just help me stay sober because I don't ever want to drink again. I don' t know if that's willingness. I don''t know if tha''s coming to believe. I don ''t know what that is, but it was something. So I think a second step was kind of born at that day. And the third step has been happening ever since, I guess. Today, it's just that simple. I know that I'm an alcoholic. I knowthat if I drink, my life is terrible. That's not enough for me to keep me from drinking. I got 50 seconds. That's Not Enough For Me To Keep Me From Drinking. I'm perfectly happy, and sometimes it seems like a really good idea to throw my life away completely in exchange for another drink. And that's where the second step comes in of restoring myself to sanity because that is insane thinking. And then the third step is the rest of them. So thank you. Thanks for having me. Cheers. all right it's now my pleasure to introduce hi my name is lena i'm an alcoholic um so uh i'm a sponsor i have a service commitment of a sobriety date, which is June 10th of 2005, which means if I'm lucky, I'll end up with 10 years in June. Um, I got sober young. I got over at 24. So I'm 34 now. Um? So I didn't get sober in California. I gotten sober in Ohio, which was where I'm from. Um. To tell you a little bit about myself. I was that ugly kid that didn't really have any friends, that didn t fit in, that just did not really function all that well around a lot of people. So the easiest way for me to find something to be comfortable with was so I had an imaginary friend that lived in my dad's wine cellar and his name was Herkimer. I have absolutely no idea where where that name came from but uh I was so I was like obsessed with the wine bottles now my parents not alcoholics my sister and not an alcoholic my mom allergic to like anything scented you know like you go to my parents house if you want to wear perfume when you like you have to go like stand outside on the patio spray yourself and then like hand it in through the door you know know, like no, like there was nothing like that. Um, it was a very strict household, but my dad got wine spectator and he had nice bottles and you know, they were all categorized and all this kind of stuff. And it just did have like a cool little smell to it and everything. Um, but I grew up in, I grewup in this small little town called Peninsula, which is by by Akron, ironically enough. Um, and when I say small, I mean, I had like 70 some 80 some in my class. Um. My parents were not very materialistic at all. Uh, they were not big. Like we didn't have cable. Um? We didn't didn't have, you know, like video games, anything like that. We lived on like a street that had a circle at the end and we still had to let our parents know where we were going. Like we got grounded if we didn't, like there was no place that we could possibly go except for like next door. And we still got in trouble. Um, it, it was that whole thing. Um I didn't realize that I had trichotillomania until I got a lot older, which is when you you get really anxious, like you pull out your eyelashes and your eyebrows. So like for the longest time I would have like no eyelashes. I had like no eyebrows. And so yeah, that was like one of my first ways of dealing with anxiety. But so a lot of things happened surrounding abandonment in my childhood. I've had friends that I thought were my friends friends that would end up becoming friends with the cool kids and, like, leave. And then in the 90s we went through, what was it, like all the layoffs and all that kind of stuff. And my dad lost his job. Then we moved to Columbus. And so then I went from, like 80 kids to, like 200 and some kids. And like I said, I came from a small little town which, you know, with parents that weren't materialistic. So I had like purple jeans and red jeans and like Tasmanian devil t-shirts and stuff like that. And everyone in my upper middle class area was wearing Abercrombie and my parents were like, that's not happening. Um, so like from the beginning, like I didn't look like everyone else, you know, I didn'T fit in with the clothes. I DIDN'T fit In with the looks. I had braces. Um, So in eighth grade, like, I started lying to people. I told them that I had smoked, milk that I drank like trying to be cool and fit in that way too um which it kind of works but like it didn't really work because like I still I still dealt with that whole like oh okay we're gonna go to the movies we'll call you and let you know when you should leave your house and your parents can you know come and take me so I would sit at home for hours and then finally call their parents be like oh we took them you know such and such like a while ago so like I had you know like all those of the admin issues still like feeling unworthy not good enough all that kind of stuff not fitting in like just kept on you know going um I ran track all four years in high school um I you know did AP courses I didn't study but I got really good grades and did that whole thing like I didn know who I was like one day like I'd wear like black pants and like heel those chunky ugly heel boots that we wore right in the 90s was so hideous um but you know like I would do that and then like try to look real cute and then the next day I'd be like in army pants and like a t-shirt like I had no idea who I was like no idea because I couldn't figure out who I would fit in with and then and then I found alcohol and it like changed my life so here so here here's the thing when when Bill talks about that moment of arrival of feeling absolutely amazing of you know like you knew that this was this was like the shit right so the first time I got drunk I was like the only person I got drunk at this party I got drunk I blacked out I puked like multiple times I like lost myself in the bathroom because I turned the light off and I couldn't figure out how to get out like I did a lot of really dumb I'm an embarrassing shit, you know? But I went to school on Monday and people knew who I was. So who cares, right? So that was like, I went from being nobody to being somebody. It didn't matter for the fact that it was somebody because I got wasted and I made a fool of myself. It was the factthat now they knew who I was so I chased that, you you know? So brand track, did all that kind of stuff, had my letters, had my good grades. Um, so growing it up in upper Arlington, it was a suburb of Columbus. So, um, Ohio state was right there and Ohio state is ginormous. So we would have these things that are senior men's council, senior women's council. So you would pay in as a senior and they would throw keg parties that were open to everyone. So he paid $5 and they'd had like 10 or 12 kegs on campus and there was orange fencing around it. It was declared private property. So the cops couldn't come in and it worked really well, but they would tap the kegs at five. They'd be out by 10, you know? And so like one of the jokes was our lacrosse or drinking team had a lacrosSE problem, you Know, like things like that. Um, but that, that fueled it, You know what I mean? Because it's, we didn't have to worry about going to a house party. Everyone talks about these house parties. Who the fuck went to house parties? Like, we went to campus. Like, we had fake IDs. You know what I mean? Like, I was 16. I was going to bars. I was going to frat parties. I was spending the night at her house and she was sleeping at my house and we were sleeping on some random couch, you know? And that's what we did. You know, we did a lot of lying. And I remember I And I remember I had car problems the one time I decided to be a designated driver, right? And so my mom had to come and get – my parents had to comes and get me from my girlfriend's house. She was drunk, and I wasn't. My parents were so happy. They're like, oh, our daughter, she doesn't drink, blah, blah. Little did they know, right. So we lived in a split-level house. Y'all don't have those out here. here but what it is is it's like you you have like one floor and then you have like a couple steps that goes down to another level and like a couple steps it goes up to another level so it's not just like stories it's like that um so there was like eight steps to be able to get from the foyer to my bedroom and i slept on those steps so many times like i drove drunk so many times i forgot that i drove and you know like my parents be like oh oh, where's your car? And you know, why'd you park in the, why did you park on the street? Why didn't you park In the driveway? Why did you Park half in the grass? Why? You know, like that, that's like what it was, you know? And then I found drugs and then just all this stuff. Right. But I followed my parents dream. I went to college. I want you a really good school in Indiana. First week there, small private liberal arts university, DePaul university. so first week there managed to get the nickname of a drunk girl right so it's at the pace for the way that my life was going to be so the way that it would work is you would have an upperclassman buy you a bottle and I remember they bought me they bought myself and this other guy in entire a a big bottle of Goldschlager. So, I know, like, I was, like really good at picking, like the randomest shit to drink. So he didn't drink that much. I drank the rest of it. So I was laying on my back and on a sidewalk, like in the middle of where these dorms are and these guys were walking by that had purchased the bottle and they're like, oh, how much did you drink? And I was like, all of it and they were like, what the fuck? Yeah, that's what happens. Just like, I remember remember the night that I had alcohol poisoning like of course I don't remember any of this but I was blacked out passed out puking you could only apparently you could Only see the whites of my eyes and they were like constantly like smack me hitting like I should have had my stomach pump I survived right but that night I had gotten a bottle of uh Jose Cuervo and I cut up a lime and I told myself any like super small things. And I told myself that I couldn't go out until I finished all the lime slices. Like, what? You know what I mean? So um, that's just that's how it was. Right. So I would go home in the summer. And I would have a job or whatever. But like, I'd always be drinking. I'd also be drinking my parents were were concerned. You know, like I lost all of my friends from high school. I don't have a single friend from high School. Um, you know, at this point I talked to one person from college. Um you know everyone has like all their best friends from school and I'm like yeah no don't Have any of those. Um so I ended up I ended Up living in Indianapolis for the summer going into my senior year. So this was like, I thought this was the greatest thing in the world. I had a non-paid internship, right? Super smart. So mom and dad were like, we'll pay your rent and cover everything for you because you're getting experience. So then I decided to go work at a bar that I shouldn't work at. Not a good bar to work at, lost my job because of the bar that i chose to work out. But the thing was is like, Like, I made money, didn't really have to work that much. And so my parents said, you know, like, we'll pay your rent, right? If you find a place that's cheap. So I found a place and it was $340 a month. It was Section 8. And it was pretty rough, but it was awesome because I had dope boys below me, dope boys above me. I did not care about the fact that I would see people with guns, like running running out the back, like down the fire, didn't care, whatever. Like I could get what I wanted. Like I met my pill dealer and my Coke dealers place. Like it was like, I thought that it was just the greatest thing ever. Um, I was really good at putting myself in bad situations, um, which I'm sure a lot of you can relate to because I was a wanderer. So if my friends didn't have any more of what I want, And you did like, like, I was just going to go with you. It didn't matter if I met you five minutes ago. Like I was like, that was my thing, you know? And it put me in a lot of really bad situations. A lot of situations that I should have had some really bad consequences from, um, and a lot of situations that i never should have walked out of, you know? Um, and then getting sober, I came to realize that obviously something's taking care of me, you you know, because like I should be dead right now. There's absolutely no reason why I should even be standing. So long story short, I went back to school. People knew where I was working. Like it was this whole disaster of people. I was just drunk at this point, you know? Like I didn't realize that I was a full-blown alcoholic, but you know I was getting the shakes, stuff like that. November of 2002, I was arrested for public intoxicator to comply with an officer, public detox, spent a weekend in jail, all this kind of stuff. It was absolutely horrible. And the crazy thing was, is I called my parents the week before and I told them that I had a problem with alcohol and drugs. And like the most amazing parents that I I had, they said, do you want us to come and stay with you on the weekends to make sure that you don't go out? So that's like my parents. Right. So I told them like any good alcoholic would, it's okay. I have this under control. Right? Cause that is not going to happen again. So then the next weekend I called him from jail. Um, but the thing is, this. So my, my experience is in a very small town county jail. I've never been to a big jail like which I'll have in Oakland or anything. I do not ever want to experience that. But what I did experience was these ladies that let me borrow a sweatshirt when I was shaking and cold that gave me something to put my hair up because I'd never really fully detox before. And they kept telling me, they're like, you go to a really good school. You need to get your shit together. Otherwise you're going to continue to end up in this place just like us. And so I didn't realize until a couple of years ago that I went to an HNI meeting in jail because like, I went into a meeting that Monday night when I got out. Right. So like, obviously that's the only reason why. So these people, they stayed and I cried and it was this like amazing experience and all this kind of, and then I left and I went and got drunk and that's what I did. So I ended up, I want to rehab and did all this kinds of stuff. And year and a half, right? I stay sober. I go back to school. I get my degree. I do everything that I'm supposed to do. I come home, I get this super shitty a hundred percent commission sales job that fucking sucks ass and all this kind of stuff. And then I started hanging out with old people, places and things. And you know, if you keep going into a barbershop, eventually get your haircut, right? So, so I got drunk and my mom said that the point when I told her that I could could have a glass of wine with my meal was the point that she was scared because the phone calls were going to start again. So I was a drunk dialer, but, but the thing was is I didn't have a significant other to drunk dial a million times. Right? So I would call my parents and blame them for everything. My mom said that she'd never, she will never tell me what I said on those phone calls. She has never told my father anything that I've said on this phone calls. All I need to know is that she's glad she doesn't get them. I did not know that I made those phone calls until I made Those phone calls with someone present. And they told me, I called them and I told them how much I hated them, how horrible they were that I was this way because of them and blame them for my drinking and my drug use and everything else. So every time I got drunk and blacked out, I will call my parents and do this. So, and they still stuck by my side. Um, so when I, when I went back out, um, I tried to get sober. I knew I was fucked, right? I knew, I knewIwasfucked. So I wentback to a meeting and I got a new sponsor and I would see her and then I would get drunk and I wouldsee her and I will get drunk. And I would She finally sat me down and was like, you need to make a decision. Either get sober and I will work with you or keep drinking because right now you're wasting my time and you're wasting your time. So you need some time. You need to take a decision." I was like fuck this so I kept drinking. So I drank for like eight or nine months. At this point in time, right? Right. So I, at the end, everything that I hadn't done, I did, um, life sucked. Like it really, really sucks bad. Um, and I was, I was working at a Sprint store as the greeter. So you came in, this is before the computers, right? So, so I would say, hi, what's your name? Welcome to Sprint. Actually, it wasn't like that because I was hungover. and I smelled really bad, but I would say that, right? You know, kind of. And I'd be like, so what's your name? What are you in here for? And I write that down. Okay, so I got fired from that job because I was unable to meet the standards to be able to do that. Like, that says a lot, right. Like, that's like a really fucking easy job. So what I did was I just drank. It was like perfect. I didn't have to drink on my way to work. I didn' t have to worry about any of that. I didn't have to worry about not washing the clothes that I was supposed to wear to work because, like, I had, like two shirts that I never washed. I didn' t have to worried about any of that and it got worse. Like, it got really worse and it came down to me having to make another decision so I ended up going to a meeting. And it was a meeting that I had gone to a long time before. Shit, hold on a second. I'm like an old person. I'm, like, I got to put my glasses on. So I go to this meeting thatI used to go to, and I recognize people. And I'm so glad for the newcomers that are here that you guys have these mugs with handles and things like that because we had those styrofoam cups that were like this big. And when you're shaking, you can't hold those coffee cups and it really sucks because you burn your hand and you can drink your coffee and then it just makes everything worse. And then you have all these other things and then you have these like fleeting thoughts and then you just want to be able to leave. Right? So I went and I sat in this room in between the bathrooms and the meeting and this lady came and sat with me and said, I remember you. She goes, you used to knit in meetings and I always wanted you to teach me how to knit but you have to be sober in in order to teach me. So I asked her for a ride home and then I remembered I had a bottle at home and if I went home, I was going to drink that bottle because I like to drink Disaronno in the morning. And then I drank Jack the rest of the time because this Rono seemed like it was like the perfect morning drink. You know, um, the rest OF the time I drank a triple Jack on the rocks with a splash of diet and a double line. And anytime someone would ask me why I I drank that. I'd say, I'm a fucking alcoholic. What do you think I'm going to drink? So like, I was totally fine with claiming the alcoholic stuff after a while. Like it was fine with me. So, so her and her husband, I asked them if they would take me to central office. So central office back at home in Columbus, you can go and hang out there. Like that's where the old timers hang out. That was a safe haven. When I was sober, the first time I would go there and I would smoke cigarettes inside because my first commitments were like cleaning ashtrays and and stuff. And, um, sit and smoke cigarettes with these guys that had like 20, 30, 40 some years, you know? And, uh, and I knew that that was the safest place for me, you know, I knew that was a safest place where I could come up with. So they took me there and they called this group to come and assess me and they determined that I needed to go somewhere. So they put me to a place called the engagement center because they didn't have any beds at Mary Haven, which is the only place in Columbus that takes people that don't have health insurance. I didn't have help insurance at the time. So the engagement center is a lockdown shelter that either the cops or these people take you to. So I had to have a pillow brought to me. Um, I had clothes brought to me um, they told you when you could leave the building to go and smoke um they watched you um there to give you the sense of the type of people that were in there i remember late at night there was a gentleman that came in that was so intoxicated and he had been shitting in his clothes for so long they had to take him out back and hose him off to get everything off of him that's the place that i slept in the first night i got sober over. So, so what I look like now in comparison to that, first of all, I shower. I try to shower on a daily basis. I used to have no shower Sundays. That was like my thing. Like it's Sunday who showers on Sunday. Um, dead serious. Like that was my thing。 Um, you know, I, uh, uh, I work on it. It's a good way of putting this. Um, I don't forget where I came from, you know, when, when I sobered up and the next day, uh, they asked me if I had a place to stay and I listed a couple of different places and they're like, well, you're not technically homeless, so you can't be here. So I'd have someone come pick me up and, um, that whole thing. But I remember sitting in there and I have journal entries that you can hardly read because I'm shaking so badly where I just had to trust people. You know how it, you look at someone when you first come in, you Look at someone that has like six years. Oh my God, that's so much time. But you look At someone that had like a week and you're like, holy shit, how did you get a week? Like I can't get 24 hours. Like that's what it was like, you know? So I'm in there. And I had to Trust these people that were in there that had two days that have have five days, I had eight days because they had more time than I did. And they kept telling me that all I needed to do was stay. Right? And so I knew that from before that if I stayed and I trusted the process, like it would be fine, but I just needed to doing that. You know, I had a lot of excuses. My sponsor shared my fifth step. Oh, you know what? I'm not the only fucker that had that happen to him. I'm sure it's really unfortunate, but you don't have to use it as an excuse. You know what I mean? And it's, you know, like, so I stayed. So I was living with another alcoholic, but then God started intervening in my life, right? So I talked to the lady at the place, you now, at the apartment complex and miraculously the paperwork work that I had filed, like disappeared. People in the rooms helped me move my stuff out while she was at work. So I had like no financial obligation, got all my stuff outta there. You know, um, her and her mom called me and harassed me like on a daily basis about how horrible of a person I was, how it would never happen. Like I would never get sober. And like, I just had to put all that stuff in the back of my mind. Has, have these almost 10 10 years has been perfect. No, at four years I moved to Kentucky because I met a guy when I was drinking, right. That I thought was going to save my life. He's fucking psycho. Um, you know, at two and a half years, three years sober, I was going through one meeting a week. I was cutting my arm. I wasn't an absolute disaster, but I wouldn't drink, you Know? Um, and then, And, and then miraculously I had someone that was like at my favorite meeting. They're like, either you can go work the steps and start actually doing something or you can go drink because we're tired of listening to you bitching complain here. So I was like, okay, drinking is not an option. So I went to a woman's step study. I went into the women's step city and I said, I don't like you. I don' t like women. I don''t want to be here with my sponsor said I need to be her. I know you can totally see me doing that. so but but that's how I was I was one of the angriest people that you would have ever meet I was told by another girl that was sober she said that I was the only girl that she ever thought of fighting in the rooms because that's much of a bitch I was so but the thing was is that when I was signing up for food stamps I met a lady in the bathroom and she told me about this this company that I should apply for. So long story short, like that's the company that hired me, how he ended up out here, blah, blah. Whatever, whatever. So that's how I got out of that relationship. How I ended up in, out of Kentucky into California. Um, you know, like I found meetings when I first got out here. I found a sponsor. I found people. I struggled Southern hospitality in comparison to the Bay, like is completely and absolutely different, but I still made this shit work. You know, know i have been dry out here i have been angry out here I've been pissed off out here. I have not gotten drunk out here, I have been fired. I have gone through breakups. I have had times when I almost wanted a 5150 myself like I cut again like a couple months ago and I still fucking stayed sober you you know because like I don't I don' t need to drink. I don''t need to use. I don'T need to do any of that, you know, like I'm taking a chance right now doing something completely different as a trainer, like it, it does not pay my bills whatsoever at all. The house that I was living in went up for sale. They didn't know if I was even going to like stay there because I live in an in-law. The people that bought the house, this is what do you want to say? Like, oh, this stuff doesn't work, whatever. There's nothing that exists, right? So, so the people that bought The House, they live in Saudi Arabia. They like buy houses because they like to. It's gonna be, it's gonna be a gift for their daughter when she finishes law school in two years. I live in the hills, by the way. It's not like a shitty little house. So they like me, right? So this is what they offered me. They offered me free rent if I make sure to keep everything up with the property, right. So me not making much money at all. So financial insecurity, like the little bit that I make, that covers the little bits of bills that I have. Not my credit card bill, but whatever. Whatever. But I just went shopping last night. You know, it's things like that, you know, like trying other things. Like I decided to compete last year in bikini and I did really well in it. And I'm eight weeks out from another show right now. So I walked in the back and I saw all those tweets and I wanted to hate all of you because I'm like, I've had like like a rice cake for my carbs today, because it's like a low carb day, which is why I'm drinking coffee right now. But it's, it's all worth it because I get to go home in June and I get to do a show so my family can go and they can see me compete. The next week I'm home to celebrate 10 years sober with my parents. And then I get a go see my, one of my best friends that's getting married. That's done like a million tours. Right? So like I get to see him. And he was an old drinking buddy of mine that doesn't that like the first time he saw me. So he's like, you're not even the same person. I'm like, I know you can understand me. Um, but that, that's what happens. Right? So I don't pray a whole bunch. I don'T, I don't do, I'm not as active as what I probably should be. And I use the fact that I train clients at night as an excuse. But the fact of the matter is, is I know that this works. You know, like I know it works because I know when it doesn't work, it's because I chose not to have it work and that's what matters. You Know, I need, I mean to be able to have structure in my life, which is why like I do the meal prepping and I eat every so many hours and my schedule is so unbelievably predictable that if you wanted to stop me, you would be, I made it really easy for you, you know? But, but the thing is, is that I do that because when I allow chaos and other things like that into my life, it doesn't work for me because that's what it was like before, you Know? So it's all about making the changes and staying away from old behaviors and old people and old haunts and things like That. Like, I don't need that shit in my my life anymore. And it's for a good purpose. So me going, oh, I wish I had people from high school or from college or whatever in my life. No, you know what? I really don't because I got fucked up with all of them. You know, like I've met more people in the rooms or at the gym or wherever that I consider to be close friends because like I have a different kind of a relationship with them than what I was ever capable of before. And that's one thing that I have to realize, you know, that if I keep expectations low, right, I don't get pissed off. I don'T get these resentments and things like that. And I stay really smooth sailing. So if I were to expect that these people from my past would still be okay with being in in my present life, like that's just a lie. You know, like saying goodbye to all that stuff is totally fine. Totally fine. You don't need it. I don't eat it, you know? And so I'm going to leave you with this because I think I'm approaching the time. I'm like, I can see the blur of it like this. So you can go to a shit ton of meetings or you can do a small amount of meetings. It's not not it's not quantity it's about quality so you can be this like big book aa thumper all this kind of stuff and still go out because i've seen it happen or you could be real quiet and sit in the back and have a ton of time and we never know it doesn't matter it's all about quality so when you find a sponsor pick someone that's going to be good for you not what you think everyone's going to think would be good for you. You know, pick and choose the meetings that fit into you just because it's a cool meeting. Maybe it's not your kind of thing. Like do whatever is best for you and that's what's going to help you stay sober. All right. Thanks for listening. I hope you enjoyed the podcast. Sobercast is ad-free, and we'd like your help in order to keep it that way. So if you'd like to help us be self-supporting by pledging a dollar or two a month, visit SoberCast.com and look for the donate links. Thank you very much.