Bringing the Body Back Before the Mind Catches Up – Tom B.

My name is Tom B., I'm an alcoholic. And thank you very much for inviting me down here. One purpose, to share our strength-health experience. I pull from 31 years of sobriety and I jump around a lot. I go from what it was like to what it is now and back and forth and all over the place. I used to be a little concerned about that but then it dawned on me one night when I looked out and I'm talking with a bunch of alcoholics and their brains jump around a lot too so you don't give that another thought and I I'm a little tickled with the way it's set up here oh god a number of years ago we were my wife and I were in them in Ohio I think was Toledo I'm not sure doesn't make any difference it's 10 or 15 years ago and they had a they had an inner group type of thing like this where and the end the room wasn't as big as this so they had a lot of satellite rooms similar to what you have here where they had microphones set up and there was about six or seven microphones up in the front and I had the dinner at the place though they had the speakers in the chair people and all the people that put the conference together they had them up in the front. And my wife is left-handed, so whenever we go somewhere and we eat where she sits to this side of me. So she was sitting where Gus is sitting now and I was sitting to the right of her. And we finished eating and I got up and I gave the lead. It was one of those nights like you have here. It bounces off the walls and you feel it when you're up here. And you look out and you see eyes and you See people that are walking three for you off the ground, and it kind of lifts you up. Well, I got finished with the lead, and there weren't supposed to be any comments, but a woman jumped up. And she says, I just have to say this. This is my first time I've ever been to a meeting like this. I'm not an alcoholic. My husband is. But I am so happy that I come, because if AA can do for my husband just one-tenth of what it's done for you, I'll be so happy. And I nudged the wife, I said, you hear that? She smiled the way wives do, you know, yeah, I heard. And I thought it was all over and she went on throwing these bouquets. Blah, blah, blah. And I nudge the wife and I says, aren't you glad you got me? And I could see the veins start to swell up in the neck you know and she smiled away out and on wife smiling the woman went on and I leaned over to say something else well not realizing that the microphones was still on my wife said to me the way she does in her loving tongue she says Tommy that woman doesn't live with you you rotten son of a, and that was it. And it flew the whole night. Now, it's great because you learn here. God, you learn how to laugh at yourself. Believe me people, I take AA very serious. To me it's life and death when I'm playing games here and I'm not Johnny Carson up here trying to entertain you. But darn it, I've learned how to laughed again. And I learned to laugh at me and that's one of the greatest the greatest secrets we have here you're starting to go well when you learn how to get you out of the way i take uh my this lead very serious i take out what i do for a living very serious i take i take what i do very seriously thank god in this program and 31 years of good sponsors you you learn have laughed at you you wear you kind of light it's a great way to go I'm gonna qualify we Got anyone that gets up here You know what you're doing when standing up here and yeah, and yeah You're kind of loosening up thing to get in life like like the people we heard earlier and the people were yesterday You're reaching down in your gut and you're trying to find out. What did I hear? What can I give somebody that's sitting out there the way I sat out there thinking yeah it works for you, but I'm different And you're reaching time you've gotten you look at somebody guys and you see he's kind of in that zone where God will never get any better for me and you're saying yeah I know I felt the same way but please just come with me on a trip I'll take an inventory I'll make I'll pick mine and you take yours and we're going to cross paths fella and I don't care whether you got out here on Thunderbird or you got here on Martinis we're gonna cross paths because you like me know what pain is you know what like me know what fear is and I don't have to go into gory details waking up in jail and have a cop walk by and say boy you did it this time Burns and you don't know what the hell you did or you don' t know why you're there or you wake up in the morning and the house is empty and the wife left again and took the kids and you think oh my god what do I do this time or at times you go to bed and hope you don''t wake up and then we come here from a life like that and we learn how to laugh and laugh at ourselves and live again and laugh again and feel again. Oh, thank God for AA. You're going to get the feeling this guy loves AA. You better believe it, people. I'm going to do everything in my power to let you know I love AA. God, without it I'd be back in the streets. Without it I'm nothing and with it there's not a damn thing I can't do. Me, a kid from Brooklyn, New York getting up here and talking to 1,800 people? I have to be bombed out of my head to do that. here at Dead Silver because you're talking about something you love and you're trying to give back what was given to you that's what we're doing up here we qualify God we're going from the fun years to the sick years to the dying years that's where we're trying we're not trying to get there fast let me let you know it's a way back I know I had somebody ask me is AA your religion? no, AA is not my religion I have a church I go to what's the difference between AA and religion? you talk about God and you try to live a good life well the difference in my eyes to AA or religion is religion keeps you out of hell AA is for people who have already been there I was so confused about spirituality and religion my sponsor my sponsor's wife is visiting with us now she's in you know how she's 82 years old she just celebrated 40 years as the bride and she said tommy religion comes from the outside in you read the bible you study this you study spirituality comes from inside out big difference people so anyway we qualify let's get through that let's go through that so we can get into the good stuff i'll take down a trip i'll pick my name sorry you take yours we're gonna leave here much stronger We're going to make it till midnight tonight. I quote from 31 years, I won't promise anyone in this room I'll be sober tomorrow. I didn't learn that way. I have all I can do. I'll make it till midnight today and then I'll do what I've been doing for the last X amount of days and then it works. I'm not going to fool with it. Back to basics, I love it. 31 years I took all the trips and believe me you get right back to basics. Trust God help them have the drunk and clean up your act. That's what it's all about. That's where it is. The action. to doing. Born and raised in Brooklyn, New York. My father's an admitted alcoholic. Drinking was just a way of life. Everybody drank. All our friends, all our relatives, our relations, everybody in the neighborhood drank. We didn't know anybody that didn't drink. We didn't want to know anybody who didn't drink. When I was, God, when I was just five or six years old, my dad worked in the shipyards. That's what we did. And we used to meet at the neighborhood bar and they would have the fish rise and play shuffleboard and sing songs and say how great it was in Ireland to remember this and remember that. Even when I wasn't that high, I used to wonder if it was so damn good in Ireland, why'd they leave? What the hell did they come here for? Take meaningful jobs doing anything they could work in. Everybody had draft cards saying they were 18 when they were 14. Got into some trouble at an early age, and instead of sending us away, they shipped us off to the service. So I went in the service, and it was no big deal. I didn't like it. It was just like being in jail. I spent four years in the services. I went into private, and I come out of private. Every time I got a promotion, I go to town to celebrate, get drink and go away. Well, I'll end up in a stockade. That was my service career. And I finally got discharged and I went back home. Well I was cut in a bar fight in San Francisco. My dad told everybody in the neighborhood that I was wounded in Korea. I couldn't find Korea on a map. But I was a neighborhood war hero. And I loved it. I walked in a neighborhood bar and the bartender was old ass Tommy's. They'd send down a drink. And everybody in neighborhood knew all my relatives and everything. Maybe he said, I had drinks lined up. And then about midnight, some old time when the neighbor comes down, he puts his arm around your shoulder. Gee, Tom, I heard you got a rough over there. How'd it happen? I put my head down and said, well, the doctor said I shouldn't talk about it. What are you going to tell him? You're not going to make a liar out of dad. And if he's buying the drink, she'll tell him any damn thing he wants to hear. I don't know any alky that won't. I don't want to be what he has to be at the time. You watch an alky. Friday night, he's fighting three cops he's winning about three seconds put him in a white coat they put him in jail Tuesday morning he's standing before the judge you think he's an altar boy oh no your honor same I did it every day this goes on people I can't go on a date trip with you people I just a feeling trip God young lady you you i've been staring at you for two days and the reason i stare at you is because your body's just like my daughter and i don't mean to make you feel self-conscious but it is so my god and i'll get into that later but uh i walked by a restaurant today and you were sitting there there and I thought, my God, there's no... Anyway, I'm home for about a year. And my dad grabbed me one night. He says, son, he says, I think your mother matured enough of this nonsense with me. There's no reason she has to mature it again with you. If this is what you want to do with your life, by then I'm going on three and four day drunks and quitting jobs and whatever. If that's what you wanna do with you life, do us a favor, pack your bags get out the house get out into the world and grow up grow up i was okay dad and uh down the old neighborhood and that had a going away party for tommy tommie was going out to california i was going to go to californian and make my fortune drink and dream you screw i was gonna go out and make money and send money back to the poor people in brooklyn is he a good guy yeah oh yeah i got on a bus and started out to califonia and had a rest stop in a town called Lorain, Ohio. And I'd seen the bars up the street and I figured well I'll get off have a couple of drinks in Lorain Ohio and then get back on the bus. That was 1952. I'm still in Loraine, Ohio! I can end qualifying right there whenever I drink everything leaves wives jobs kids cars houses you name it everything leaves. Oh people I like drinking I liked everything about drinking it was a way of life here the only way of life I knew, the only real life I wanted to know. But sooner or later, you like me, the price gets too high. I couldn't pay it anymore. And by the time that time comes, you don't know how to stop. So I got on the phone and I said, Dad, I got off a three-day drunk and I got out on the floor and I called home. Dad, I'm in this town, Lorain, Ohio. Gee, I'm almost broke, Dad. that if you could send me a few bucks as soon as I get on my feet, boy, I'll send it back a hundredfold. Well, my dad had been talking to people in AA. Hey, I got this son who's nuttier than a jaybird when he drinks. How can I help him? Frank, do you want to help him?" Yes, I'd love to help them. Don't help them." What the hell kind of advice is that? Do you want help them? Don't let them wake up in enough jail so they don't beat his head in against enough walls so they won't get to the point where he's sick and tired of being sick and tight. Let him get to a point where in just a couple of seconds he gets honest with himself he says hey maybe it's me maybe I did have the breaks everybody else had but I wasn't willing to do my part and maybe I do need some help then we'll break out back to help him Frank but till then let the clown finish his act people of 31 years have taught me anything they've taught me one thing and that's this program is not for people who need it it's for people who want it I needed it years before I wanted it you could have sent a hundred AAs to my house every weekend And I would have yessed them to death. Yeah, I'll meet you guys tomorrow. Yeah, oh sure. Just get the hell out of my house when you're down the corner. For years. Now I've done it and I'm sure you've done this. You went out and tried to help people who needed it and wanted it. And it's fine. It keeps you sober because you're broken eyes but it'll keep you sober. So my dad hangs up says goodbye and good luck and I was drinking in a neighborhood joint and somebody says to me hey, you know they're looking for chemical engineers up here at a chemical company. So I went for an interview and I got the job. Now I'm a chemical engineer. I can't spell chemical engineer, but again, you put an alky with his back to the wall, you watch him, he'll be it. He'll do it. While working, I met a young lady. She's with me tonight. I knew I had a class operation then and it's 40 years later and I know I have a class operation now. Believe me people, if the shoe was on the other foot, this marriage wouldn't have lasted three years. I could not or any alky I ever met could not, or I doubt like hell if there's an alcoholic in this room that could take what he dished out. None of us. I met this young lady. She introduced me, invited me to a home for dinner. Went and I met her mother, and her mother and I hit it off. It was great. Just one of these things. She was so happy. Her daughter met this chemical engineer, and she was going to live happily ever after. Oh, God. Her dad was a pipefitter welder by trade. He was working out of town at the time. And he came home one weekend. Every week, a moment I had, I spent with this young lady. I was working from 12 to 8, and I used to go in the morning and pick her up and take her to work. She was in nursing training. I'd go home and had a room in town. I would sleep and then go pick her off and take a lot to dinner and winery and diner. Did this for three solid weeks, every minute I had. Her dad come home and to get to know one another we went up to the corner and we hit it off great. Him and I got along wonderful. We were drinking and talking and just, I thought we were my kind of people. Midnight he says Tom would you do me a favor? I said you name a wall you got it. He says never come near my home or my daughter again. I said what the hell are you talking about? I thought if we get As long good as we do, I'll drink with you anytime. He says, but I don't want you to name my daughter. You drink too much. I said, what do you mean I drink too mucho? Drink and drink for drink with me. He says that's the way I know. I put my family through hell with this booze. You think I want my daughter tangled up with something like you? I said I'm going to marry your daughter. He says over my dead body. I said as if need be. Boy, that was a mistake. Boom! The lights went out. He broke my nose. an hour later we're down at the hospital it's sewn up his eye and mouth my nose it's a mess three days later I married his daughter don't tell a drunk not to do something went to work to celebrate the wedding went to Work Drunk and lost the job now here I am in a strange town with a wife no job no nothing what can a poor guy do we took his brand new two car garage We took the front door off, and we put some doors onto the window and a little space heater, and we made a little honeymoon cottage. And he took me down to the local union and got me into an apprenticeship, a pipefitter apprenticeship, and I moved into the cottage and started working as a pipefitter apprentice, and the deal is as soon as Tommy starts making better money when he gets to his fourth or fifth year, we're going to buy a house in the suburbs and live happily ever after. Four children and seven years later, we'RE still in the cottage. And I'm a journeyman now, and I'm making a pretty decent buck, but the more I make, the more I drink. I used to drink on Friday, Saturday, sober up Sunday, go to work Monday. Now it's Friday, Thursday, Monday, sober, Monday go to work Tuesday. Get paid on Wednesday, don't make Thursday. Wake up in Philadelphia, Jersey, New York, Chicago, neighborhood park, car in the driveway, kitchen floor. I just wake up on the kitchen floor a lot. And the wife would come out, you know, Tom, I need some money for groceries. I don't have any money for grocery because when I'm drinking, I'm one of these big spenders. Give him a drink, give him a drinks. Party time. I do the only thing I know how to do. I attack. Damn it, I drank when I was married. I'm going to continue to drink and if you don't like it, rah, rah. You're not going to make me like that neighbor. I had a neighbor I hated his guts. The biggest thing in this guy's life was his grass. Every Saturday morning he'd be out mowing the grass, and I have a hangover, and God almighty, that... Broke his lawnmower, broke his fence, that son of a... He used to come into a neighborhood bar and I would send him down a drink. And he'd take the drink, and he'd drink it, and he'd leave. I said, where are you going? He says, I have to go home. Supper is waiting. Stop us waiting. For me to go into a bar and have one drink and leave because anything is waiting just never dawns on me. That's like going into a barber shop and getting half a haircut and saying I'll be back next week for the rest. Who the hell ever heard of one drink and leave? Finally, I go through my big spiel. I'm leaving you. That was my big pitch. I'm leading you. And I would go in the bedroom and get my brown paper bag and throw on my toothbrush and my underwear and I'm leaving you. And she would come in and cry. Tom, what did I do to upset you? I didn't mean to... Oh, God. I had the world by the tail, people. For years, I had my wife believing it was her fault that I drank. Then when I went to AA, they took her to that damn communist thing. Oh! You laugh. You will laugh if your wife goes there. Thank God Oh God, people, believe me When you get into AA and out on my home My home's like Grand Central Station We have people at our kitchen table There's a 30-coupler on all the time It's just a beautiful place to be If those walls could talk And you can come in our home And you kid about our furniture Our religion, our drapes You can kid about anything But don't dare make jokes about AA or out on your walk You're on sacred ground and if I'm not big enough to do it I have a son Chris that's 240, 6 foot 5 that just celebrated 11 years of sobriety he loves AA too and if my cat's for you out he will God this is this is if I started on blessings blessings I mentioned Chris and Craig and Tommy and my daughter we're tight now But when my kids were the age that my grandkids are now, they were afraid of Daddy. I didn't know my own kids. I was either out on drunks or working out of town or always busy, busy, never had time for the kids. Now I've got six grandkids. You get a second chance here, people. You get second chance at life. I have a grandson, Justin, who when he was seven years old won a pink belt for something in karate. And every time Justin learned a new move, he'd come running up, he wanted to show Grandpa. And he'd comes running in the kitchen one day and he says, Grandpa, Grandpa, I learned a little move. And I said, I'm making coffee. And I turn around and I say, yeah, what? And he jumps up and he kicks. You know how high they kick when they're seven? You hit the deck like a ton of bricks, my God. and he's jumping up and down. It works, don't it? It works. You little son of a gun. I'll karate. No fear of Grandpa. No fear. Katie. Katie is my red-headed Katie. God, when she was three I was coming home from a meeting one night and it was one of those nights we have a full moon and it looks like you have to reach up and touch it and I thought, my God, that same color almost like Katie's hair and I went to the son's house and I said, where's Katie? He said, I just put her to bed. I said. Borrow her a minute? Sure, Dad. And I went in and I got Katie and I took her outside and I says, Katie, you see that moon? That's your moon, Katie. Every time you've got a full moon, that's your own moon, Katie. And Katie kissed me and hugged me and I put her on the bed. Katie is now 15 years old and I don't care if we're in California or New York. I don' t care where we are. If there's a full moon, that phone rings and Katie says, Grandpa, you see my moon? See, you come here, people, you get a new brain. You come here and you come to the meetings and one meeting at a time one cell gets better you get anew brain and what you used to think was important is no longer important and you've come to believe that the only thing that's important in this world is people if it don't bleed to hell with it that jobs cars houses money you name it if it doesn't bleed it means nothing it can be replaced the only things thing in this world that's important is people. I come home one night and my suitcase hit me right in the chest. The wife says, go, I can't live this way anymore. And I was happy. I was, oh, I'm going to go live on the Gold Coast. I'm gonna get a Cadillac convertible and I'm, oh I'm a big playboy. Well when you're not working too steady you don't live in the Gold Coast. You live in an $8-a-week room down on Detroit Avenue. Behind the avenue bar. And your big nights out are going to all the neighborhood dives, listening to poor me songs and peeling the labels off of beer bottles. Tell me about good times, huh? Yeah, you too, huh?" Yeah. And you're getting popped. Your legs are shot, your timing's off, you're walking around like a zombie. And when do you want to see your wife and kids at two in the morning when the bars close and out you go to Avon Lake in your old beat-up Plymouth? I used to drive beat-up Plymouth with ball tires. I used think of tires, if you didn't see the white, hell, the tires were good. Didn't have any ignition key. I lost the key one night. My electrician buddy says, don't worry, Tommy, I'll fix it. He pulls out all the wires. Gives me three wires and a clothespin. You want to start the car, Tom? Just put these three wires together, put the clothespin on, and start. That's how I did it. Got in the car. Put the wires together. Put the clothes pin on. And then off we go. I'd be going to work. I'd been in the middle of traffic. The car would hit a bump. the close one would fall and the car would stop that's how I lived I thought it was normal but anyway I would go out to Avon Lake and knock on the doors well you're not going to see your kids because they have something called a restraining order and the cops come and they say come on Tom don't give us a hard time this week look I'm going to see my kids you leave me alone I'll leave you alone they're not going to leave you alone you're going to throw one punch and the lights are going to go off you're gonna wake up in jail your hair's gonna hurt have nothing against cops if i some guy threw a punch at me i'd break his head too this design and i get so old finally you go on the wagon and then you call her up and you say glenn she says we were separated a year i happened up as flight aside a year okay that's going i want to take you and the kids on a picnic i haven't drank all week and i don't i want to talk to you now i don't like picnics i don' like sitting in grass with bugs eating sandwiches it never dawns on me i don´t like it i still don´d like it but i bought baseball gloves and baseballs and potato chips the whole thing and i i took them down to the valley and i threw the ball catch the ball who teaches you how to be a father huh who teaches i didn´t know I did this for three Sundays in a row she thought I was a changed man and we were gonna get get together again and we're going to start fresh fresh how many out these are only fresh thoughts always Monday was going to be a fresh thought could never sober up on Thursday Friday said it always Monday I'm gonna work Monday when stop paying the bills without living like other people when I was working I was making as much money as anybody in the neighborhood my kids are going to school with holes in their shoes. They're going to Florida in the wintertime, I can't afford to go to Akron, which is only an hour south. Something's wrong. Borrowing from Peter to pay Paul, we would have Christmas presents under the tree of oil for the father-in-law. Something was wrong. But I remember standing on the front porch and I wasn't blowing smoke and I Wasn't lying. I wasn' trying to con anybody. I said, Glenn, we're going to live like other people. I'm never going to drink again, Glenn. I mean it. I'm not blowing smoke. I'm no trying to con her. I mean if. We're going get together. We're gonna make it. It's gonna be our dream house. I'm a remodeler. We bought a house on land contract with money we borrowed and I had all these plans and she was gonna make gardens and we had all this good and God, I'm as honest as I can be. Well, 30 days later I'm sitting on the front porch nursing a hangover because sometimes during that 30 days I stopped in for one drink and the rat race starts all over again. Bob's sitting there and my brother-in-law that electrician that fixed my car I introduced him to my wife's sister. Oh God, they got married. You should see my father-in law now. He's a razor maniac. He looks best with a shotgun. He comes up and he don't look too good either. He's hurting. Gee, Tommy says I got problems what do you mean you got problems he says well I got that drunken driving charge I gotta go before Judge Jensen Tuesday I said Bob I don't want to hear about your drunken driving charge I got four of them in the last five months I'm borrowing money from loan companies I'm borrowed money from guys I work with that pay lawyers and judges I said I don' t want to hear about it he says yeah but I'm being sued for divorce he says I know how do you know I said I got my papers this morning too Jensen was a friend of the wives he called them in he said look girls get rid of two of the bums I'll give you two divorces for the price of one. Get rid of both of them. While we're sitting there talking, the wife comes out and her and her brother-in-law you know, my wife and her sister did not see each other for months at a time just to give you a little shot of what it was and what it is. And the reason they didn't see each others for months at a different time is one time they were stopped I think it was in the holidays I remember and they stopped at the house they were doing some Christmas shopping And I said to the wife, don't cook, honey. I'm going down. We'll get some of those chickens. And Bob and I went down to get some chickens up at the corner. And it was a three-day drunk. We wound up in Pennsylvania, some damn place, for an uncle of his who had a distillery. And that's where we spent it. Every time Bob andI got together, it was two-, three-, four-day drunks. So the wives never got together anymore. They wouldn't see each other because his wife blamed me and my wife blamed him. And it wasn't a mess. We just spent five weeks together. Bob's got 30, 31 years too as a bride. We took our second honeymoon all out through the Rockies and the Badlands and we were, you name it, we did it. We left Ohio, we just went bummin'. Five weeks just bummin', had a beautiful time. Blessings in AA? Whole new life, new brain! You get a new brain people. But anyway at that time the wife comes out on the porch and she says to Bob, She says, uh, my sister and I were talking to a minister in this town. He told us about a group of people that meet on Friday nights and they must do something right because they're putting their lives together and they don't drink. He said, you think if I go to that club she'll hold off on the divorce? She said, I don't know, Bob, that would be up to her. But it might be worth a shot because you and her get along great when you don't drinking. I figured, boy, there's my out. I say, how about me? I'll go. I'll go to Girl Scouts, to Boy Scouts. I'll do it. I'll be able to go anywhere. I don't want a divorce. She says, you, they don't make anything help people like you. You're crazy. And she went in the house. Friday night we went to quote our first AA meeting. I'm 28 years old. He's 27. where's shoulder to shoulder we get to this church cafeteria type room and at that time my life people was two things i know for sure i don't like or trust people everybody's a phony everybody's shooting angles everybody's out for what they they can get you get them before they get you that's how you live and I got a brick wall around me and I don't let anybody in I used to have the reputation of the neighborhood bar don't come near Tommy when he's drinking he throws punches Joe Tough guy so cry a lot and cry at a lousy movie but I had to hit you I couldn't let you in if you could pass my brick wall and get inside you'll see a body and inside that body is nothing but fear I live in constant fear and I'm not talking about fear of fire or fear of climbing steel or working or whatever a doom type of fear Like there's always something's gonna happen. You live in this constant miserable hell and the only place I'm comfortable, the only place I know how to exist is drinking. That's the only time I know how, that's the way I'm comfortably. Well we walk into this room and I look around the rooms about 30 or 40 people in that room and boy they were dressed nice and looked good but it hit me they They're all old, 45, 50, 60 years old. For crying out loud, no wonder they don't drink. They couldn't cut it down. They'd die. And they were all dressed nice and looked good. I thought I was at a PTA meeting. For crying, I don't know where the hell they ever drink. I got 35 cents in my pocket, a clean pair of work pants, a short-sleeved shirt, a pair of loafers that don't quite have holes in them. We're standing there looking around as five or six guys over at a coffee telling jokes and laughing. One guy breaks away from the crowd. he starts towards us he's 105 sticks out his hand and he says welcome it's so good to see you young guys this program works fellas I haven't had a drink in 16 years my legs got weak my brother-in-law says you better be awful thirsty mister who the hell ever heard of not drinking for 16 years people when you talk to me about not drinking you don't talk in terms of years you talk in terms of days, hours and minutes and I don't care how long you're sober there's days you're going to hang on by your fingernails he starts telling me about this God, I'm going to find God oh my God I don' t know where you drank we didn't talk about God I figured out Tommy you did it now you joined one of those movements or some spooky thing I grabbed him I say mister not me him his wife's the boss and he lost his job and he's got to go before the judge he's in big trouble I just come I drink but I can quit any time I want I just came to give him help guy says thank you and he took Bob and went over in the corner and I I went over and filled my cup with coffee and I walked around with a cup of coffee I don't want to shake hands with people I don' t shake hands these people all shaking hands I don''t like shaking hands with strangers I don ''t know where you drank where I drank somebody shakes your hand they'll be going to pick your pocket or suck of you one to two finally they announced the lead oh boy here's the Messiah right here's a guy that's going to touch us on the head make us well or something I don't know people when I come here I don' t even know the questions I don''t even know the questions some yo-yo jumping up in the front he's got a brand new suit white shirt tie oh god he looks so cute my brother-in-law and I we went over by the side because I'm not joining anything I'm just going to go look you over we got way over there guy gets up here and they have a little cake it's his first anniversary they have this little cake with one candle this is my first AA meeting you know the first thing I hear at my first AA meeting he gets up and he stands up and he looks out and his wife is in about the third row and he looked at her and he says hi honey I love you and she stands up and says I love me and I love you too and my brother-in-law poked me in the rib and says what the hell are we doing here he says I don't know you wanted to come you sick son of a gun not me second thing I hear in an AA meeting he says isn't it great to be sober I got up this morning and I could smell the flowers smell the flowers they just turned off our gas I'm being sued for divorce there's no food in the refrigerator I got 35 cents in my pocket I'm being my whole life is turned upside down I come here for some kind of help I don't know what kind of health but some kind of help and I got some yo-yo tell me that if I come here for a year you're going to give me a cake and I'm going to smell flowers you lost me you lost me right there all I could think of was will you please get done so I can get out of here I gotta go you people are not in my world he finally got finished and we started to the door as quick as we could well in Avon Lake at that time God bless him was big John John was about six foot four 220 pounds used to stand right under the exit and I started towards the door and I seen John I figured oh God that's how it works you want to get out of here you gotta go through John and you're not getting through John he looked in awful good shape I start to the other door and John stuck out his hand he says hello young fella I says hello and he don't let go of your hand he says let's see you're a drunken driving charge maybe two or three be it two for divorce probably haven't got a job have you and he told my story in five minutes and I figured well the wife called up told these people all about me and then he's gonna embarrass me did you know why I know that he says because that's where I was when I got here and a lot worse young man he says there's people here to come out of prisons there's People Here to come Out of Insane Asylums there's people here that come out of straps there's no more than their $300,000 home basements that drank all day and were like zombies but you do yourself a favor young fella you bring the body back the mind will catch up that's not too much to ask for a second chance at life bring the buddy the mind will catch up God I'm not going to get into it I love this book it's my bible but I'll introduce you to people that quote the 12 steps tell you 449 is this and turn it into that they know this book by heart and they're drunk because they forgot to do what the book says to do that's where the secret is it's in the action people in the act not the knowing I can now this isn't an intellectual group where we sit down and discuss over coffee all the different things we know about the book AA didn't come out of that book that book came out of AA my head didn't keep me sober my feet kept me sober my head wanted to drink my feet took me to a meeting my head wanted to have a drink my feet took me to my sponsor's house my head wanted to drink my feet took me down to pray with Sister Ignatia my head wanted to drink My feet took me home and my wife read books to me. If it was up to my head, I'd be drunk. This head, this nutty head, I could rob a bank and justify it. It's in the action, people. God knows I love the book. Please don't misunderstand me. But knowing means nothing unless you do. Nothing. Nothing. and I'll tell you something about people who take your hand in AA for the first time in many years John had my hand and John talked to me not at me if you're an alcoholic you know the difference John had the good eyes that's the only way I know how to explain it he had the great eyes he had a good eye those strong kind wonderful eyes that seemed to know where they were yesterday where they are now where they're going and I figured how the hell do you get that strength out of a drink they look at you and they talk to you and they don't stick their finger in your chest like it's some kind of moral degenerate they just give me the feeling that they like me I drank because it made me feel good I come to AA meetings because it made me feel great I had some yo-yo come tell me why he drank he went away to Arizona or some damn place this was only a short time ago I don't understand this new stuff but he comes to the house he says Tommy I found out why I drink I said Dave he says yeah my mother didn't breastfeed me. Your mother didn't breastfeed you. You're 42 years old, you dumb son of a gun. I'll get your cow if you want to suck up. Playing golf with one of my new sponsors has got about 44 years of sobriety and I hit a ball into the sand trap. He said, well, you can blame your mother and father for that. I said, what do you mean? They didn't give your sandbox when you were a kid same thing God almighty I don't understand that stuff I don' God this is talk we do over the table we don't do it here but oh I love I love this guy that said if I worry about the child within me I'll go without falls on his ass I love that that's great I'm going to use that I'll steal that while John was talking to another man come over gave me his name phone number and he talked to me not at me he says if you get first day off the booze you're gonna get shaky another man comes i'll pick you up for a meeting tomorrow night and on the way home i i was where you think i bob those people have something damn it they have something i'm going back and find out what it is he says not me i'm too young tom i got too much living to do they did all the things i want to do and i'm gonna do them and if i get worse i'll know where to go 18 months he got worse they put him in a white coat, wound up in the DTs in somebody's attic and went out of his head. I come back to your meetings and for four months I listen to your success stories. I used to call them success stories. Oh, here's another one. This guy was probably drinking wine, had wine sores now. He sold it six months, he got eight Cadillacs. Yeah, we'll listen to this. I just leave the meeting at home, walk in the back door of the wife, say, hi honey, how'd the meeting go? What do you mean, I'll have the meeting, go, I'm sober, ain't I? What the hell more do you want? Want some coffee, babe? Yeah, that's all I can drink. Poor me. Then I got some yo-yo gets up here. Oh God, get a sponsor, please. I didn't get a sponsored. I didn' t want to get involved. I go to a meeting. Somebody says, don't tempt yourself. Bring the check home to the little woman. So I never did that. I never brought a check home in my life. I always cashed checks at bars. That's what you do. you cash the check to buy that week I got a paycheck I brought it home I gave it to the wife I was here honey I thought she was going to kiss my feet she looked at the check she said how long have you been making this kind of money biggest fight you've ever seen in your life now if you have a sponsor he'll tell you don't get too honest too fast look honey I just got a raise I want to share it with you nothing scares me more than to have a guy come in here and put a flip down to pick up a Bible. You're fighting off more than you can chew. You're going to crawl before you walk and you're going to walk before you run and you'll fall flat on your face time and time and time again. Just like that baby back there but the baby keeps picking himself up and going again and going again and going again. It's worth it though. It's worth it. It doesn't get like it used to be. It gets so much better. It gets to the point you get a new brain and you see a life you never knew existed. After four months I decided that my problem isn't booze my problem is money because where it's so far and hot I figure I'll never get out I used to think my God it's worse now than when I was drinking it wasn't worse now than when i was drinking for the first time in my life I seen the shape I was in and I was so far in a hole I thought I'd never get out if I was sober a hundred years I hope that God when you come here you're so far in a whole that you're laying flat on your back and you look up but for the first time in life, you may see some daylight and you know what direction you have to go at. And I'll promise you something, and this is from 31 years of watching things happen. You'll get even with the boy. It might take you 20 years to dig your hole. It might've took you six years to digging your hole, and it might've taken you 40 years to dig a hole, but I promise you, it might take 10 years to get out, it may take you 40 years, but if I promise, you'll get out. I promise sure you'll have everything you need. And I'm talking about times when I had to borrow two bucks for gas to go to work. There wasn't any food in the refrigerator for supper. I'm talking about ties when I wasn't working, when I would go to a meeting and there was nothing in the wife. I figure, well, we're shot down now. The house payments do. I haven't got it. Nothing. And like I'm home from work and the wife say, honey, we've got an income tax return check. Not working. Go to a meet and guy says, Tommy, I hear you were laid off. I says, yeah. He says, listen, I need my house painted. Here's the money for the paint. Here's some money for labor. Would you paint it? They didn't give me charity. They let me work my way through. Tom, I needed a hot water tank. Can you put it in? Yeah. And we made it. And we made. After four months of sobriety, I decided my problem is money and I went to my sponsor told him, well, I owe my family so much. I got to make up for lost time. There's a job out in South Dakota. They're working overtime. I'm going. He says, Tommy, you're chasing fool's gold. Stay here. Get your feet on the ground. I said, nope. You live your life. I'll live mine. And out I went. And in South Dakota, we were working 610s on a missile basis in Sturgis. And as a result of four months of sobriety and seven weeks out there without drinking, they put me in charge of the Titan II fuel systems. And we worked at 712s. And as superintendent, every time somebody worked, I got paid. And I made a lot of money. Boy, when out these go we go we go bananas I was born and raised in Brooklyn, New York I've never seen a chicken in my life and I buy a chicken ranch I got chickens I'm gonna I'm gotta sell eggs now how nutty can you get I'll make whatever but I figured gee two thousand guys out here they need eggs so I go to I go the job I say any of you guys need eggs come on out to the ranch okay Tom I figure boy I'll make a fortune some guy from Iowa somewhere comes up to me Tom you ever raise chickens I says no he says you gotta put gravel in with the with the feet that's gravel he says yeah that's why it makes the eggshells hard I said right he says yes so I called Tony Tony was from New Jersey Tony never seen a damn chicken either I say Tony do me a favor will you will you put some gravel out in the chicken coop he says don't worry Tom that you've covered I went home that night Tony dumped ten tons of gravel into the chickens killed all the chickens broke all the eggs that was the end of the chicken career the moral of the story is get a sponsor if you don't know what the hell you're doing get a supporter I'm not talking about the blind leading the blind guy comes to the house he's going to stay here a few days some guy's there for me I said what do you mean some guy says well you know I got out of the hospital they told me to be honest and I told my stuff with his wife you dumb son of a gun I shoot you too don't say that I don't let people get these ideas God you're gonna crawl crawl and keep your mouth shut for a year will ya call the wife I said come on out she said you drinking I said no the kids are gonna love it we have all these acres they can go rabbit hunting deer hunting pheasant hunting she said okay well come out that night I went to town I was shot in a beer one shot one beer guys I worked with said Tommy you don't know we didn't know you drank give Tommy I said nope I'll see you and I left Woke up next morning, I was the happiest guy you've ever seen in your life. Look at that. I come to all these meetings and they tell me don't take the first drink. I took it. I controlled it. I'm not an alcoholic. I'm just a heavy drinker. Six in the morning, I went to the bar. I said, buddy, put the bottle right there. It's party time. And that was the beginning. That was the begining of everything I heard that happened to people up here that never happened to me. I promise you, it's out there waiting. Come with us. This isn't scare fact. It's this fact. anybody's been around he knows he knows i'm telling you facts come to a prison with us walk into a prison have a 23 year old kid come up here and say tommy i was sober 10 months i got an argument with a wife i got in an argument with the boss i left the job at 10 o'clock at night and they say i shot this guy and killed him at midnight tom i don't remember i believe him but he's not going to be here have a 51 year old man come up to you and say Tommy, I was sober 10 years I got bored with the meetings I knew it all it took about 8 months but I started drinking again and coming home I run over a 3 year old kid how about the pain? we're not playing games come here in New York and walk in and see a kid that looks about 90 Maybe he's 19. He's in pajamas about half the size they should be and he's whimpering and crying and you sit in the bed and you take him and you look at his eyes and you see nothing but gray. Just gray. No soul in there. And the doctor, you look up at the doctor and say, Tommy, there's nothing left. He did with some kind of LSD or crack or something. Just bumped his brain right out of his head. So you take them and you hug them and you cry with them. There's nothing else you can do. That's you, me, or any alcoholic in this room one drink at a time. One drink at time. We're not playing games, people. My wife come out in June. She stayed at her Christmas place. My family almost froze to death once the cops called her and told her, come get me. And she started in town a snow blizzard and hit a snow bank and if it wasn't for a fuel oil truck my family would have died. Another time, another blizzard and I'm not there. I'm on Dream Street. I'm drinking. I lose the job. I'm back welding. The only way I can make a living is back welding and the only way I got a job is the guys I used to take care of are now taking care of me. Finally right after Christmas she says goodbye, good luck, I'll see you and took off with the kids and I stayed out there another three or four months. I don't remember. I'm on DreamStrike. I think it's Tuesday. It's Saturday. Go to a bar and the bartender says, Tommy, here's some checks you wrote. Six, seven, eight hundred dollars a week. Here, just... One guy from Ohio says, Tommy, let me take you home. I get to the back door of the house and she opens the door and she says, keep going. If you got any decency at all left in you, keep going! I don' t want the kids to see I'm working. I got the papers in for the divorce. Just get out of our lives and stay out of my life. I go down the hall they give me a ticket to go to work in New York. I get to New York, I'm too sick to work. I stop in for a couple of drinks and I wake up sleeping in the apartment house that my mom and dad live in. I'm sleeping on the steps. My mother comes out. She totally breaks down. She looks at me. She says, oh my God, son, go get help. You're breaking my heart to see you like this. So you go down to your old neighborhood and you spend a few days on 5th, a few day on 4th. You're where you're welcome out and finally you get to the point where you get down to Canal Street in the weeds in a wino. You're 30 years old. You look around and you say, I don't belong with these people yes you do if you're an alcoholic that's exactly where you belong the mob the nut house the prison that's where you're going to wind up no doubt about it and the only reason a lot of us aren't sleeping in the streets is we got wives and family that are taking care of us so then you go on at the ultimate pity party boy are they going to be sorry I'm going to kill me it's all their fault my wife used to light candles dear God let him die we'll get the insurance that's what we want there was no love or compassion nothing I go to the railroad trust and I look over and I think boy I'll jump off of here and I'll hit those rocks and then some sanity hits you Tommy suppose you hit the rocks and you don't die god that's gonna hurt huh oh my god i don't want to hurt i don' know any alfie that wants to hurt call her wife and she sends me bus fare and i get home she said well the only reason she sent me bus there and the only way she had me come home is she was having a tough time and she figured if i got back in town i got work and maybe i could give her a few bucks that's why there was no love we didn't come together trying to save a marriage with any love or respect the The respect was gone. The faith was gone and everything was stripped. Just stripped. Five days, I get down to the hall and the guy says, look Tommy, I'll give you a ticket to get down the mill after three days to get a check and get the hell out of town. You get a three day check you cash it in the bar and you wake up in jail and you're sitting in jail and you think, oh God, being an alcoholic didn't worry me. I thought I was totally insane. What the hell did I do now? Well what you did you in a home because you're one of these loud mouth rotten drunks of the home and you punch holes to the wall you wreck the furniture and when the cops come you have the wife by the throat I don't believe in touching or laying a hand on a woman drunk I can strangle my wife and I look between the bars and who's standing there but my nutty brother-in-law and God he's got bright eyes and he's gotta nice shirt on and a sweater and he looks good and even with him I gotta put up my front I said Bob can you imagine I'm in jail again and he said something I'll never forget of course I can imagine you're in jail again you're just like me when you drink you're crazy you an alcoholic you're nuts you an alcohol you're like me you an alchoholic you're not crazy what do you think makes this program work I'll sit down with any 10 outies in this room for 20 minutes at a table in here, have three cups of coffee and we know each other five years. We got the same guts, the same fears, the same doubts. Outside we may look different, inside we're so much alike it's frightening. And I know if you knew when you come through the door and look around the first thing you've said to yourself was I'm different. You're different. Stick around. Stick around and you tell your sponsor how different you are. He's going to listen to you. he's going to listen to you about six or eight months he's gonna listen to all your book stories he's been listening to all of your nonsense and he's just gonna smile at you and you're gonna say boy this dumb son of a gun if I got him boom and then when he thinks you're strong enough he's gone chop your legs off I had enough of your bullshit you watch he's not trying to win friends and influence people he's trying to save your life he says Tommy I haven't had a drink in eight days that's you Bob you haven't had a drinking eight days that's impossible he says no Tom I got out of the strap they put me in and I went to detox now I go to two meetings a day Tom if they don't send you away I'll take you with me tonight they gave me six years probation and that night he'd come to the house with an old man an old man God come to the house with the man who had become my sponsor and we went to Lorraine St. Mary's He shook hands with another man. He said, see you next week. And I says, I grabbed him physically. I said, how do you know that? How do you Know You're Going to See Him Next Week? How the hell do you No You're going to be sober next week? I don't even know if I'm going to make it home tonight. He's back off and come with me. We went to a drugstore. We got vitamin B, K-Rose syrup, orange juice, and honey. Went to my kitchen table. He poured out the vitamin B pills, mixed the honey and the orange juice. He says, take them and drink that. Third step, made a decision to turn your life over to power grading yourself. I took a third step right then I didn't even know it I turned my life over to him I didn' t have a God I didn''t have faith in anything but I had faith in that man because he had the good eyes and he was sober 12 years and he had this he had a secret and whatever he wanted me to do I was going to do because I was afraid not to I will do anything I have to do not to drink you tell me to stay here and pick up these chairs or keep me sober I'll stay here and pickup these chairs you tell them to vacuum the floor I'll vacuum you tell him to come next week and make coffee I'll come next weekend and make coffe You tell me to come down to Louisiana with Mrs. Louisiana, I'll come down to Louisiana. I'll do anything I have to do not to drink. That's how I was taught the action, the doing. Tell me to act as chairman and get a rented suit, I'll be there. I'll go do that too. Oh God. sat at the kitchen table and I took the juice and took the pills and took the juice and took the pills. He says, Tommy, what time is it? It's 10 after 12. Did you have a drink today? I said, no. He said, you got it. I said I got what? He said you got the program. I got what program? What the hell are you talking about? I got the program. If you haven't had a drink in 24 hours, that's bottom line. There'll be a lot more but you're not ready. I'll see you at 8 o'clock in the morning. Do you realize you'll have one third of today in? Keep it simple. He was there at 8 o' clock in the morning. Took me into town. We went to a halfway house. I got a shot of vitamin B. We went to two discussion groups, and that night he picked me up and we went to a meeting. And I became a mechanical man. Meetings, meetings, meetings, meetings are more meetings. I slept on the couch. My wife didn't think it was going to work. There was no love. There's no nothing. She said, look, you can stay here and sleep on the coach. I could have been a priest. I spent 14 months on the couch. People say to me, how come you go out of town and lead those meetings all over country they get a room with my wife i shack up i'll go anyplace i'm trying to make up for a lot of lost time it's a great way to go meetings meetings meetings meeting meetings i've seen times when god i went there i'm not going in damn meeting again tonight i'm going home i'm gonna shower and shave i'm gonna over east side and get drunk the hell with these people tell me me to pray, tell me to do this. Tell me I'm not going to do nothing. I get home, I go in, I take a shower, I change clothes, I start out the house and there sits two AAs on my front porch. Hi, Tom, going to a meeting, huh? Yeah, you bet your butt you're going to a meet. Thank God. They knew me better than I knew myself. Meetings, meetings, meetings and more meetings. I pick up a guy now for his fourth meeting. He said, I can't go to another meeting. I got to spend some time at home. I never had that problem. My daughter, when she was four used to call my sponsor Mr. Carroll please come pick up daddy again with you she loved it they loved it when I was at meetings they knew I was coming home sober and they knew you know when I knew this was starting to work after a meeting we had a new man and we went to a coffee shop we got yakking and I got home about 2.30 in the morning and my wife was sleeping and look at that they're starting to get some faith my wife never slept when I drank they never knew how I was coming home finally I go to my home group and somebody says any anniversaries and somebody said Tommy's sober year and everybody clapped oh I got a head that big and I'm driving home and I did the worst thing I could do I started to think I was doing great when I was just putting one foot in front of the other now I think this nutty head I'm in the car by myself and this guy over here says what the hell are you giving her the money for she don't know how to handle money she's on dope is that right yeah damn right she's on dope and this guy what the hell for crying out loud you're sleeping on the couch you do the work you belong in the bed she belongs on the couch you're the master of the house yeah yeah damn right I'm alone in the car I'm listening to the nuts if you're an alcoholic and you start to think you better ask yourself where the hell do I get my information huh you know because if it's coming from your head you're a loser your head got you here I go storming in the back door right into the living room and she's reading those books all she does is read those damn books I says hey I says from now on new game rules in this house from now one I handle the money you don't know how to handle money you aren't doping And from now on From now on I sleep in the bed You sleep in a couch I'm the one that works And from that And she says Whoa Whoa Never said whoa Before she went to that club Now whoa I said what do you mean Whoa Do you know what today is She says Do I know what day is Go out in the kitchen Look at the calendar And I went out inthe kitchen There Great big red circle July the 5th Tom Sober One year two days Still crazy she come out of the kitchen she says Tom I used to think I used to think all our problem was booze now she says you're still you're still as nutty as you ever were and I know you haven't drank in a year and all you do is go on moaning like some little baby and how nobody's right because you work so hard and you do so much and you haven'T got anything for my sanity for the kids sanity I got divorced you Tom I can't live with you drunk or sober and I went to the meetings I grabbed all the old-timers you lying bunch of you told me it was going to get better my wife's divorcing me your wife's divorce in you oh my god I didn't get divorced Tommy Bill didn't you get divorced yet come here Bill tell Tommy about divorce Tommy it's great you're going to get spiritual Tommy she's going to take every damn thing you own forget about driving a Buick, Tommy. You'll be lucky if you can drive a used Volkswagen. Sit down, nutty. That's where you stop. Come here, nutty, sit down. Meetings, meetings, meetings and more meetings. I go to a meeting, I'm sober, 14 months and the guy gets up here and God bless him, he told my story and his wife was sitting there and they just got a new apartment and that day they bought a new refrigerator and he had a new used station wagon and he went working and he was sober about six years and they had a couple of kids and they were gone on a vacation and his wife was looking at him like he was some kind of wonderful person and i sat there and i thought my god when is that going to happen to me how come it's with me this sobriety is always a fight how come when i'm in the kitchen my kids are in the living room when i'm gonna live more my kids go to the kitchen hi what am i doing wrong what the hell's the matter with me have i got brain damage that i can't get like these other people how come my program has to be a fight all the time every day a fight and he said take it home take it home that's where you did your damage take the guy you're gonna be home take the guy you wanna be home don't come in here with all the old spiritual advice for the new man take a home ronk rave at the wife and kids this is the classroom you want to ronkn rave ronkk rave in here you're six foot two great find somebody six foot two go out the back room and yell and scream at him. Then pick yourself up off the ground, go home and say, honey, I want to take you in a kid's rice cream. Bring the guy you can be. Act as if until that's how you're teaching hockey. You go put them through the motions. I remember I grabbed my sponsor. I said, I'm not going to another meeting. He said, you tell me how we don't drink. He says, Tommy, it's late. We've got to get to the meeting. I'll tell you later. We get home. I want To know how you don't drink. Tommy, I've got To get to work. I'LL see you tomorrow night. Finally, seven or eight days of this finally I grabbed myself I'm not going anywhere tell me how you don't drink he said how did you not drink yesterday I said well I didn't have time I went to work I come home I washed up and you were here we went to that damn meeting oh how'd you not drink the day before well I come from work I washed off I ate you were there we went for that meeting oh how'dyou not drink thedaybefore same thing I came home I wentto work got in the car went to the oh put an alky through the motions let him see the results. That's how you teach them. Most people go from the brain to the body. Alkies go from their body to the brain. You've got to teach them, put them through the motions. After the meeting I sat down with a bunch of old-timers. You know why they say take it home? You know what old timers say take it home because they know it's easier to stay sober when things are good at home. The weakest, toughest time you're going to have staying sobers when you're fighting at home. That's why we say take it home, that's why we stay take the new guy home. Helps you stay sober. God sat down a bunch of old timers with me how do you do this? How? Don't tell me that, tell me how just tell me what to do I'll do it. Somebody said when was last time they said honey thanks for a nice supper let me thanks for an ice up right by the food damage you better cook it I was last time you called up and says honey don't cook I want to take unique never I might have been sober 14 months I never thought of anyone but me we have four absolutes one of them is unselfish just put it in your life for 30 days your world will turn around 180 degrees. One of the old-timers in the group that I put down around my shoulder says, Tommy can I speak to you over there a minute in private? I figured he needed some advice. I went over to the corner with him and he smiled all the time. He said, you self-centered selfish son of a... when you gonna grow up? A little over a year ago you were sleeping in the weeds. Did you forget that? Now you got a bed to sleep in, a warm bed to sleep in. You got a wife cooking your meals. You've got a kid calling your daddy you got a few bucks in your pocket you got decent automobile you get nice clothes when you're gonna learn how to say thank you God for the things you have it's that moaning and groan and you haven't got a Cadillac isn't that a damn shame grow up burns and he walked away and I thought that I thought boy there's something wrong with me I better do something or I'm not gonna stay sober so on the way home I stop I buy a box of chocolate-covered cherries $1.89 isn't what I did first time in my life I thought and I'm not getting into marriage counseling I'm getting into AA just the first time my life i did something for someone else this is the first my life got me out of the way and I bought a box if chocolate covered cherries in a card that you give somebody that was in the hospital thanks for being there when they went when you know here's Joe yo yo from the street he's gonna be a lover and I went home to the house I didn't have the guts to give it to her i put on a kitchen table and i walked in living room and i said glenn i know how you feel about my aa and i know you feel above the divorce and everything but listen i never never talked like this before never did this before but i'm doing it now glenn i heard a guy talk tonight i want to be like them him and the family they're going on a vacation i want us and our kids were on vacations glenn and they bought they got They got this new apartment. They got a new refrigerator. I want us to have nice clothes for the kids. And I want to have all the good things that other people have. Give me a couple of months, Glenn. If I don't change, I'll move out. I'll give you whatever you need. But give me a few months. Give me just a couple months because if it does work, damn it, we might have a good life. And she looked up and smiled. She said, who led the meeting? Jesus. Couldn't believe it. Couldn't belief Nutty was changing. I couldn't believe her. But something was happening. I was bringing her body long enough that maybe some of the cells were starting to get well, huh? She's going to make some coffee and she went out in the kitchen and in a couple of minutes I heard her crying. I went out into the kitchen and she had the candy and the card and she lost it. First time somebody did anything for her in years. I start crying and she cried and we sat at the kitchen table and we cried and we talked and we tried and we thought because I listened. Yeah, you have feelings. Yeah, you have a brain. I didn't know that. And we hugged. And we made plans, and we got out envelopes, and we put five a week in this one and five a weak in that one, and we started climbing out. And she'd come to me. I was over 18 months. She says, Tommy, see this $30? I says, yeah. She says it's ours. And I took the kids in our new station wagon, used station wagon. And we're out for pancake breakfast. Now we're, God knows, through these people and schooling, I went back in business for myself, and we're doing wonderful. we go on cruises and we play golf all over it's all bull greatest times I have is stealing my grandchildren and going for pancake breakfast I went to my sponsor I said starting to work I'm back in the bed anybody on the couch box of candy boom zoom nothing to it Tell him how great things are going Midnight, my phone rings He says, Tommy, come pick me up It's about time you did some 12-step work At midnight, we go to a guy's house And we walk into this little cottage It was just like my house used to be There's a woman by the kitchen sink And she's got great big bruise on her face And she says, my husband's dead Two kids, five and six years old By the doorway and there they are in sneakers and underwear. This is wintertime. You got the picture? They're scared like all these kids are scared. And I go in, I pick up this lump and I listen for a heart, I listen per breath, nothing. I say, you son of a gun. Why'd you have to die on my first love's that call? What the hell am I going to tell the guys Friday night? I go to carry the message, I get a cough. What the heck do you want me to do? I'm back out in the kitchen and I says the old time where I says, hey, this guy is... He went over to the woman and he said, young lady, do you have anything in the house to drink? she says I have a bottle of wine he took a glass the bottle walked in the living room hit them together he says hey buddy want a drink the guy sat right up I said look at that they even raised the dead these people want to go to a party with us yeah you got a bottle he'll follow you to hell down to the hospital we go Flo opens the door in we go Tommy you take care of him Amy take care shower him up get him his pajamas shower him what the hell do you mean give him a shower okay give him my shower you should have seen me 12 step work god damn it I'm giving this guy a damn shower soaking wet get his pajamas on put him in the bed and I go back I get home by 6 in the morning I change clothes I go to work I come home from work I'm exhausted I'm going up to bed the phone rings it's the old time he says did you stop and see new man I said no I didn't stop and see new men I said I'm not retired I worked all day I'm gonna go to bed he said no you're not he said you're going down to see the new man. I says, no, I'm not. I don't like the new man. He says, I don' t care if you don't like him. You're tired. You' re not tired. You put him in a hospital. He's going to be there six days. You take him every day. You go down and you see him. I said, Bill, I do n't know what to say to him. He says who the hell says you got to tell him anything? How about bringing him some cigarettes sitting on his bed and letting him know somebody cares enough to be there. That's all you have to do. You're not God. I slam the phone down. I get in the car and I buy cigarettes and I go to hospital I don't go to hospital because I think I'm Jesus saving the world I go to hospital cuz I'm afraid not to I go to the hospital cuz they think if I don't call the hospital I may get drunk so I'll go to hospitals I walked in the house but looked at him he looked at me I said hi how you doing good how's the food hey Dan get through I booked you son of a gun I don' like you reason. But my sponsor says, I got to come down here and sit in his damn bed and talk to you now. We can do it easy or hard. I don't care how, but we're going to do it. I'm coming down here every day. I'm going to bring cigarettes. Whether you smoke or not, you smoke them goddamn cigarettes. And sat there. He shook hands with me, thanked me, and away we went. I took him home that night. I told him, I took a meeting, meeting, meeting, more meetings. He's sober three months. He gets in my car. He said, did you read 24 book today no I didn't read the 24 hour book that boy 24 book was great huh I went and I bought one one of those little black 24 books read yesterday next week next morning he asked me about this damn book tomorrow boy I don't know what so yeah be smart he gets in my car he's sober five months He says, fifth chapter blows your mind, don't it? I bought a big book. I don't know. I don' t know where you were when you got here at Scramble Eggs. I have an education. I can read. But if I read that paragraph by the time I got to this paragraph, I d know what the hell was in that one. I got A.A. in cars, kitchens, church basements, and praying with Sister Ignatia and my wife reading a big books. That's why I've got A., and talking for hours upon hours upon hours in coffee shops and my sponsor's kitchen. In action, move to feet. I was doing the 12 steps long before I knew what the hell the 12 Steps were. Eight months later I called this guy's wife she says, Tommy can you please come down to the house? And she's crying and I thought that son of a gun's drinking? After all I did he's drinking I'll show that son I'll break his legs. I go running down to that house and I got out of the car and the screen door slammed and a woman come walking down the driveway and I could see her now. And she took my hands and put them behind my back and put a cheek against mine, kissed me on the cheek and she says, God bless you Tom Burns and God bless AA. And you swell up. That's when you realize you're part of something a hell of a lot bigger than you are. That's what gets in your blood. It's a way of life people. I can't separate AA from my life anymore and separate my fingers from my hands. It gets in you blood. It becomes part of you. You live it. I have it in my business. I have it in my relationships. I have that everywhere. Without it, I'm nothing. And two kids come running out and they're jumping up and down. Come on, Uncle Tom, come on. And they pull you into a kitchen. Pull you into the kitchen. They pull you to a bedroom. And they're standing by the bed of this guy and he's crying. There's a bed full of clothes and slips and dresses and sneakers and a little bicycle. Kids jump up and out showing me his new shirts and his new Levi's. Refrigerator full of food. He got a job, went to the credit union, borrowed 1,200 bucks. They went Christmas shopping in June. And I'm not a hugger. I don't hug, but I don'T even like this guy, but I fell in love with him. How do you figure that? And I get out of there, and on the way home, I'm crying, and I'm singing, and God, I'm beaming. And I Get Home, and she says, Glenn, you should see that house. You should see those kids. I said, Glenn, God, they're a whole... And she says... Yeah, I've never seen you so happy. You want to get happy? Forget yourself. you think the bill didn't know what he was talking about and he says the best way to stay sober is help another drunk you think you got problems oh god we all got problems huh put them on a piece of paper put them by the coffee and before you leave read all the problems 99 percent of us will take our own back and if you do have problems i'll give you one story we'll call it quits but I'm going to tell you something that will let you know that this program can handle anything. For the next 23 years, I'm living SAA and I'm loving it. We're going around the country and we're sponsoring, blah, blah. Going to business, making money, everything's great. I'm tiptoeing through the tulips. Going to conventions and telling people about this great God in this great world. And my daughter came into this program and as a result of coming in for three years, She got a job with an advertising agency that did work for Coca-Cola. And she traveled all over the world, and she used to send us cards and everything. My son come in. I waited 10 years for him, and now he's in, and he got his family back. And finally my daughter, between assignments, she used come home, she come home and she says, Dad, my next assignment is in Florida, Dad, and I don't want those people fooling with my antiques. I said, Don't worry, honey, my daughter. Anything she wants, she got. Right? Spoil them rotten. what do you need babe she says well can we i said don't worry we'll get one company trucks blow your antiques in it we'll take you to florida so she drove a little foreign convertible i drove the company truck the way drove the family car we get to florido south of miami somewhere beautiful apartment beautiful complex swimming pool people great she's look i want to straighten out the apartment you mom go out and eat and i'll see you in the morning i'll make breakfast next morning i go to the kitchen let me help you no dad i'm a big girl now you did everything you you can do for me dad you go swim with mom and then I'll make breakfast so a lot of hugging a lot or kissing just great so we leave we go over to my sponsor who lived in Fort Myers I tell him how great the world is and we go home and ten days later we get a phone call our daughter was murdered some drug addict cased the place seen the antiques broke into three in the morning she woke up and he killed her I go out in the backyard and I says god you can go to hell and i got aas coming to my house and i think get out of my house you in the book and your god he killed my daughter god gets painful a lot of things doesn't undo it but that was my thinking and i went to meetings and every time they said the lord's prayer i said go to help and all this i'm possessed with this i got to get at this guy i went through the trial six different times and i i sharpened my pipe down or razor i want to kill them and they got detectives all around me it says and you get you get obsessed with i gotta get at him i know what i'll do i'll go down to florida start a meeting i'll get in that jail then i'll kill him and you cut out all spiritual strength you cut all people out of your life for three years you sleep an hour a night you go to bed at 11 you wake up at 12 you pace the floor all night and finally you go into the kitchen sink one day and you forget who you are what you are why you're there you just black out something to do with the physically and mentally you burn out and the body doesn't generate the fluid the brain needs and your short circuit and my wife come in the kitchen she's what's the matter i said get out of here i don't even want anybody see you like that so you just say get out here and she leaves and who comes up with my son and his one of his aaa buddies that's about 10 years and my son comes over come on dad let's go to hospital i said no i'll be all right he says dad you're not god you you break up like anybody else i don't care if you sold 100 years you can break up too so they took me to hospital and they put me in a mental ward and they puts me in the guy says to me when was the last time you slept i said what's that he gave me a pill they knocked out for four days and i was there about seven or eight days and people want to visit me and i'm not taking any business i don' t want to talk to anybody i just want to get out of there and finally my son comes to the hospital and he's got the book and he walks into the hospital and he says hi dad I said hi he said these people might be able to help you mentally they might be able to help you physically but he says me dad me and his book we're going to help you spiritually I said Chris you take you and that book and your God and get the hell out of here he killed my daughter and my son said dad where'd that God come from the God that you told me about all my life doesn't kill. He gives life. The God you told me all about all my life put me back with my family, gave me my children, gave me my wife, gave me you. Dad, if that's the God you have, you borrow mine for a while. And we opened a big book and we took the second part of the first step and my life became unmanageable. And my son sponsored me. And I started all over again, 1987 or 88, applying the second part of the first step to my life i don't tell you about my daughter to bring you down i tell you what my son to bring you up there isn't a problem you can have people that this program and the people in it haven't matured before you just open your heart and let them help you bring the body the mind will catch up god bless you