He Was the Established Lower Companion – Dick M.

I've had a lot longer introductions, I'll tell you. Some of them were even flowery. My name is Dick Martin. I'm an alcoholic. By the grace of God and the actions of AA and sponsorship, I've been sober since September the 15th, 1965, and I'm really very grateful for that. I think that one of the things I want to tell you is that I'm going to talk to you about my experience this afternoon I'm not going to try to talk to you about some kind of knowledge or anything like that because I don't know very much I don' t know all the answers matter of fact I don''t know all the questions but the main thing is that I've had a lot of experience in almost 36 years of sobriety and I sponsor a lot of guys and I've been very active in AA ever since I've been in AA and still average going to four or more meetings a week and I'm in constant daily contact with other members of Alcoholics Anonymous. I have a sponsor. I don't drink, I don' t take pills, I do' n't smoke little cigarettes with no names on them. Matter of fact, I d'n't smoke any cigarettes at all. And that's been a miracle in itself. But no, I mean, no credit to me, believe me. But I want to tell you what I'm going to talk about this afternoon will be the things we do in AA or in AA traditionally we, how's that? We do this and we do that and we do the other thing. And I'm talking about a collective experience here. I'm not just talking about my experience. I'm talking about a collective experience because in our book it talks about, in the preamble it talks about sharing our experience, strength and hope with each other. And so I'm going to share my experience, I'm going to show you some of the experiences that I've observed. And we're talking about now you want to be a success in Alcoholics Anonymous, if you want be a successful AA, you got to stay sober. And you're not going to be a success if you drink i mean that's all there is to it and you can go out and drink and come back in again and become a success you know it'll work that way but uh successful people in alcoholics anonymous in the first place just really a ground line just roll you at the baseline stay sober they don't drink that's your entry into alcoholics synonymous i didn't know what AA was before I got here, and when I got here, not drinking was the first thing that I learned that I had to do. And I was told that I have to do that a day at a time, just not take one drink one day at a time. And that was a long time for me at the time, but they said that's okay you can be, you can be a good member of Alcoholics Anonymous right from the very beginning. And my sponsor told me that he had been sober ever since he attended his first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous, and he didn't see any reason why I couldn't. He said, you appear to be reasonably intelligent. And then he started telling me, you know, when you get somebody new, you can't tell them everything at once. It's just impossible, and if you told them everything at once they would be overwhelmed. And we as sponsors are not capable of remembering everything that has to be done, everything that we have done. And so some time ago, someone asked me, well, what do you all do anyway? And so I made up a list of the things that I had done. This is my experience. My experience in regard to people who had stayed sober, who were successful and alcoholic synonymous. Success in AA means staying sober. That's the bottom line. Success in AAA means you're helping others. That's a bottom line because if you're not helping others, If you don't place yourself in the position to help others, long-term sobriety is not going to be something that you're going to be a part of because it just doesn't work. If you're gonna be a sour ball and do it by yourself, I got news for you. That's fine. You're going stay sober for a while, but you're not going be able to have long- term sobrietry because long-terms sobriete comes from being an active member of Alcoholics Anonymous. I hope Kathy is doing okay. Tonight's speaker is over there. He's the second man that I met in Alcoholics Anonymous. The first man was a fellow who told me he was my sponsor, and he also sponsored Ernie. And he took me to a meeting, a service meeting of AlcoholicsAnonymous where Ernie was area chairman. And he was showing a film strip, something like Circles of Love and Service. It wasn't Circles or Love and service, it was its predecessor. And he explained the service structure of AA. And after that meeting was over, Ernie and Buck and Hugh McGee and I went over to the hot shop and ate fattening things, and they shared their experience, strength, and hope with me. And 12 stepped me in the traditional sense of the word. And Buck died sober as an active member of Alcoholics Anonymous. No Growth McGee died sober. Ernie is still active in AA and has been sober ever since, and so have I. So that was a hell of a 12-step call, Ernie. It was a really great one. But the things that they told me that they did after they came to AA are contained here. Go to meetings. Get a home group. Get a sponsor and use your sponsor. Don't just have somebody say, oh, I have so-and-so as a sponsor. Use them. If you don't use them, you don'T have a sponsor, You have some name that you're using. My sponsor is Clancy, and he's been my sponsor for many years. And I call him and talk to him at least once a week, and sometimes much more frequently than that. Once you get a sponsor and begin to go to meetings and not drink, the best thing for you to do is to begin right then to begin to help others if you can. Buck had me pick people up and bring them to the meeting. and meet him there at the meeting. And, you know, maybe I was just being a cab driver, but I was doing something. I wasdoing something for somebody that they couldn't do for themselves at that time. And I would get to the meetings early and help to set up the chairs and stay afterwards and helpto put the chairs up and clean the place up and leave it a little better than it was when we found it. I had to learn that AA literature the big book of alcoholics and 12 and 12 as Bill sees it comes of age all those books in AA that we're familiar with are to be studied that means none of us seem to be a quick learner so what we have to do is to study material and none of that stuff is terribly exciting to read it's like you're going to read rarely have we seen a person fail who's thoroughly followed our path. You're going to get excited about that. There's something wrong with you. But the main thing about it is you can read something like that and you can think about what the heck that means. You know, they say then that just translates as says AA works. That's all it is. You know if we do what the successful people do in AA then we're going stay sober. That's all it says. And so we have to study AA literature. I, for an example, I read the big book every year. Now that doesn't sound like much. It's not that I don't refer to it many other times, but on my anniversary I begin reading the big books and I start with the very beginning of the book and go all the way through Dr. Bob's story. I don't read the rest of the stories. Fortunately, I'm able to attend meetings where I hear people sharing their experience, strength, and hope, finding out how they had a spiritual awakening to the point where they're able to stay sober, and that's what those stories are due. They're supposed to be in there for people who can't get to meetings like we are right now, for an example. When I go to meetings, I was taught to pay attention, Not to look at the girls, not to look at the guys, not to count the towels on the ceiling, not to count the number of lights up here. Anybody know how many lights are up there? Something wrong with you, I'll tell you. There's 76 units up there. But when I do that, I can also pay attention to what people are saying and that's what I do. I need to divert myself from my thinking and listen and put my thoughts along with the thoughts of the speaker, to listen to what they're saying, to pay attention to what they are saying. And remember that meetings are monologues. Only one person speaks at once. I was taught there is no cross-conversation in AA. We don't have any arguments and we We have a discussion meeting. We'll have arguments. No, he's wrong. The correct thing is this. What you do is you just leave out the no, he is wrong and then correct it. That's what seems to happen when I go to meetings. People seem to correct each other. Finally, it gets to me and I know they're all wrong and so I put in my correction. It's a wonder anybody can go to discussion meetings and learn anything in my opinion. but their meetings are monologues and we don't have cross conversations or talk to each other during that period of time i had i learned that i had to become uh involved in my own recovery i had the care whether i stayed sober or not i remember having a having a conversation with buck one time we were going across the 14th street bridge we've been goofing off and we've We'd been to an AA businessmen's lunch where we talked about sex and politics and other things that we didn't know anything about. And I was going across 14th Street Bridge in his Valiant. Now, his Valuant was a car which is almost indescribable. The timing chain was broken, and you had to turn the prop on the thing in order for it to kick in when he hit the starter button. And I learned very quickly how to do that. He had a pair of gloves in the glove compartment, and I'd go in, he'd get in the car, and I'D get inthe car and not close my door, and I'ld pull the gloves out and go out and turn the prop so we could get it started. And they called me Gloves at the meeting because I just automatically did that. As a matter of fact, they gave me those gloves I think when I had my fifth anniversary. Quite a contribution. But I was just being helpful. That's all I was doing. I was willing to do it. I didn't feel it was denigrated in any fashion at all. I just felt, you know, that's the way you start this car. And so I did that. But when I say becoming involved in my own recovery, I remember talking to Buck as we were going across this 14th Street Bridge in Washington. And I said, you know, you people in AA, mind you, I wasn't in AA yet apparently because I remember distinctly saying this. I said you know you people and AA, you talk about staying sober one day at a time but you really mean forever don't you? And he said actually no. He said, well, you mean to stay sober one day at a time. He said—frankly, he says, I don't think that you're going to end up dying sober unless you make a commitment to do that. If you make the commitment to yourself that you really want to die sober, you can do it. And the way you do it is one day and a time." And so I became involved in my own recovery. I became involved in my own recovery because I began to think that I wanted to stay sober for the rest of my life. I really wanted to be a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous. I really found that I didn't have a desire to stop drinking. I had stopped drinking, but I didn' t have a desired to do it. But the thing that happened was I got to know the people in AA and I got to know and like and respect them. When you know, like and respect people, you want to be like they are and they were sober. And so I wanted to be a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous. So I was able to make a commitment that I was going to do that to the best of my ability one day at a time. Speaking of making commitments, you know that's just the beginning. That's just the threshold to come into Alcoholics Anonymous. Making commitments means that I accept a job in AA. I accept the job anywhere, whether it's a way of employment or whatever it is, whether it's your relationship with another human being or whatever. It's a commitment. I say shake hands and I say I'm going to be your friend. I'm not going to do that. I don't want to be your enemy. I shake hands and say, yes, I'll take the job, meaning not only will I take the job, but I'll do the job assigned to me. And in Alcoholics Anonymous, I learned to do that with not only with sincerity, but with true, true meaning. And I was able to convert myself from being some kind of a sometimes human being to being a regular established human being who normally did things. and I didn't always want to do those but I learned that if I had a commitment in Alcoholics Anonymous and I couldn't make that commitment for some reason or another I was supposed to call and tell those people responsible who needed me to do that that I wasn't able to do it but maybe sometimes I've got Joe to do it or whatever it happened to be but to make sure it's done because every part of Alcoholics Anonymous is important that it gets done it doesn't make any difference which piece it is whether it's unlocking the door or making the coffee or setting up the chairs or putting out the cups or whatever it happens to be. Every piece of it is important because that's what makes AA, and I learned to do that. I learned that I had to act better than I felt. I learned it because I really didn't feel very good when I first came into AA. And there were times when things went on in my life that were disturbing to me. I was going through a divorce when I came into Alcoholics Anonymous, and I had a tough time of that. My wife had custody of the kids, and it was not a comfortable situation all the time. And sometimes I worried about things, and sometimes I was concerned about things that were real, and sometimes they weren't real. but I had to pay attention to what was going on and oft times I just had to act better than I felt because I didn't feel very good about what was going on with my life learned that I had to begin to pursue the principles of Alcoholics Anonymous you know just very basically you know you can say the principles are you know honesty, open mindedness and willingness, just being honest enough to be there, to show up, to be a human being and being open-minded about what I heard and what went on and being willing to help and be willing to take actions when it was necessary and proper and indicated that I do so. So I had to do that. I had the steps. Taking the steps of Alcoholics Anonymous is an individual experience I learned. I learned that I could go to step meetings if I went to a step meeting and it was on the first step and there were six people there there would be six different opinions on what this what the first step meant and it Was confusing to me at first until I learned that what I was going to be was a consolidation or a collection a collector of ideas and so that I could come up with what was the idea of mine. And so I had to get that. We were talking about earlier, someone was talking about there being Bill Wilson saying something about going to meetings and the purpose for meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous. He wrote one time that the purpose for meetings for Alcoholics Aanonymous is so that we can have a place to take newcomers so they can be 12-step. and they're 12 step by our example you bring a newcomer to this conference for an example and they see people that are up here behind the podium they're dressed nicely the guys are wearing coats and ties and the gals men wearing dresses or nice pants suit or whatever happens to be it becomes a thing of attraction so we have learned that uh those are part of the steps we must take too it's just not the 12 steps of alcoholics anomalous the big book of alcoholics and almost at the end of uh on page 165 it says we realize we know only a little god will constantly disclose more to you and to us and that you know from that the inference is that the bigbook is not some sort of a missile that came down from up above that has all the answers. Anybody that tells you all the answers that you'll need to have are in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous is wrong and they mean well but that's not really true because your sponsor is going to tell you things that aren't in the Big Book of Alcoholic Anonymous and without your sponsor telling you those things and following those things, you're liable to end up in a lot of discomfort Not only that, Bill didn't think that everything he wrote in there was the be-all and end-all either. He went on to write the 12 and 12 for an example. So just remember that everything in itself is a part. Everything that I've learned, all of my experience, my experience growing up as a child, my experiences in school, my experiencing with my playmates and with my friends and the people that I with, the people I served with when I was in service, and the people I drank with were all part of my experience. And they all tented my intellect to a degree. So I learned from everybody that was there. And so there's a lot of things that are going to help you, and there's a lot OF things that ARE going to slow you down. Your experiences are going TO slow you DOWN because you're going TO think about them and worry about them. Jim, When he was talking earlier, he was talking about this terrible prison experience that he had had for years and the horror of going back to it and just having that and working in the prison system today. You think about, well, he served in one stead where he hated it, but on the other side he's working in a prison system today. You've got to remember that every day when he leaves there He hears the door closed behind him, but it's behind him. It isn't in front of him. And so he's able to do that. Not only that, he's also able to share his experience, strength, and hope with people that they may not have to stay there, that they might not have lived those circumstances that he did. So we share our experience, strengths, and hopes with each other. And I talk about taking the steps. I really don't think that it's possible for anyone to be happy in Alcoholics Anonymous until they have taken the steps, and I don't mean just taking the first five steps. I mean taking especially the first nine steps. until I made my amends I didn't feel like I was a decent member of Alcoholics Anonymous I felt that I was attending meetings but I didn' t feel that I wasn' t a member and the more that I've applied myself over the years to the steps of Alcoholic Anonymous the more I feel like I'm a secure needed member of Alcoholical Anonymous I'm not I'm just a viable member I talked about we're being an example for people coming to Alcoholics Anonymous and what we appear like how we appear what effect that has on the newcomer I remember going to my third meeting of Alcoholics Anecdotes and I met two people there Barbara and Joe as a matter of fact and Joe had been an FBI agent Barbara was a very attractive woman that he had married. They were members of Alcoholics Anonymous, and I was very impressed with that. I was really impressed because when I was a boy, I wanted to be an FBI agent, and I thought that that was something that was really great. One of my father's best friends was an FBI Agent, and I liked and respected him, I know that. and so I thought to myself you know if those people can be here and if they can be in Alcoholics Anonymous then there's nothing wrong with me being in Alcoholic Anonymous it was like a snob of a sort a snoppish sort of a snub is what I wanted and you know I thought myself better than I was if you will but I was impressed that other people of my ilk, is the way I thought of it, were in AA. And so the people that you meet in AA are the people who are going to drag you into Alcoholics Anonymous. They're gonna be the ones that not only you feel like you're being allowed or you're or you are being encouraged to attend but they're going to be the people to keep you hooked in. They are going to be the glue of Alcoholics Anonymous, because they are the fellowship of Alcoholic Anonymous. So we're cleaning up our act and we're dressing up to honor Alcoholics Anonymous and also so that we can be attractive to newcomers. The thing that I learned also was that I had to learn that the prayers of Alcoholix synonymous were a necessary part of my life. Not only were they necessary from the standpoint of what I was doing as a discipline, but they were necessary as something for me to do because I had no surcease from pain without a prayer. Sometimes my prayers are very simple and sometimes it's, you know, good morning God, I'm here, I'll do whatever's, you know the next indicated thing to the best of my ability. You know let me know what your will is for me today and uh sometimes it's just good night god and uh thanks for this day and that's all as simple as it can be but also there's another variety of prayer and that's a that variety would be a foot prayer it's what i call foot prayers and just putting one foot in front of the other and i put one foot in frontof the otherand then i put a foot in the car and I drag the other foot in the car and then I put my foot on the accelerator and I go somewhere. And I go to the meeting. And it's just putting one foot in front of the other. It's taking the actions, going shank smear if you will. So I learned to do those things. And I learned that prayer takes all kinds of forms. If I think of you and if I think lovingly of you or kindly of you, that's a prayer. it doesn't seem you know i remember hearing people say for years and years and years well if someone was sick or something and they'd say well i'll say a prayer for them and i thought to myself you know what are they going to do are they going to go by church and get down on their knees and say a prayer or you know imagine some of them may have done that i don't know but what are we going to do really and what I learned to do after spending time trying to figure it out you know if I was thinking about Jack's wife Leslie and her two kids that they have taken in and if I'm thinking of them and thinking of their plight and with care then it's an indication to me that's a prayer because I want them to do well. I want Them to do all right. I want Leslie to do the thing that makes her feel good and makes the children feel good. I want her to be a good surrogate parent and Jack as well. And, you know, it's not a... You know, that's not hard to do. It's not harder to think about things, people like that in that manner. When I was drinking, no way I didn't think anything like that about people. I thought to the contrary. I thought, you know, the best thing to do is just kill them. You know, solves that problem. That was kind of a short form of a serenity prayer, I guess. But if you're going to do something, do it with enthusiasm. And when I say enthusiasm, do It With Love. Do it with care. Do it without concern. Do it meaningfully. You don't have to be rah-rah and yell and scream and whistle and clap to be enthusiastic. You just have to be a person who does what they say they're going to do, and they say their going to it. By your example, show them what real love happens to be. I had to learn to put AA first in my life. And boy, when you tell people that today, they look at you, they give you the funniest... Well, I'm supposed to put that in front of my family? Am I supposed to do anything? What you're supposed to do is to go to meetings and remember if you go to meetings and stay sober and practice the principles in all your affairs, what's going to end up happening as a result of that is that you're going to be a good father or a good wife or a good husband or a good child or whatever you are. A good employee because what you're doing is you're putting your heart into it. if you're doing those things reluctantly and dragging your feet with malice in your mind about them you're not going to do well and you're going to be uncomfortable and you'll make the people around you uncomfortable so I've learned to put AA first in my life I think putting AA first in your life is kind of like balancing something for an example you know there's a center point in this doily right here I'm holding it up and it's sitting on my finger and it is right now perfectly balanced on my figure and if what's holding me up is God if that's the center of my life and by the way God and Alcoholics Anonymous or synonymous they mean the same thing because they're good both of them are good everything that's good belongs to God doesn't belong to me so as an end result you know here we have balance and if I have balance I can have AA on that I can Have My Family on there I can have your family on there. I can add a number of things on there as long as I have AA in the center of my life i can do anything and everything but if i don't have it in the center of my Life other things are going to become more important and then my sobriety is going to go away and it'll all be gone it's just that simple so that's what we're talking about when we talk about putting balance in your life make AA the center of your life and making AA the Center of your Life means the principles of Alcoholics Anonymous That doesn't mean you have to attend 14 meetings a day. Some of you might help, but I know it helped me. But the point I'm trying to make is that if you put A first in your life, all other things are possible. And if you're an alcoholic like I am, if you don't put A in your first in-your-life, all other thing are impossible. They just simply won't work. do things like for an example when you go to a speaker meeting take the time to go get in line with the other people and shake hands with the speaker and to thank them it's a really simple thing to do and it's polite thing to do and I'm not asking that because I like people to come up and shake hands with me it just so happens I have arthritis in my right hand and when you shake hands with me I know you're shaking hands with me It's not always a pleasant experience. But the thing about it is, everybody is giving it their best shot. They're doing the best that they can do. Thank them for doing their best. You know, you can quietly say to yourself, well, thank God I can make a better talk than that. You know? I don't care. It doesn't matter if it's what you think. It's the action you take that makes the difference. So shake hands with the speaker. When I go to an AA meeting, if the meeting starts at 8 o'clock, which is traditional in my area, I always get there at least a half an hour beforehand. And I walk around and I shake hands with people. I shake arms with, if it's a small meeting, I shake hand with everybody there and say hello. But I especially shake hands for the newcomers. I especially look for people that I don't know and introduce myself to them to make them feel welcome like I felt welcomed. When I went to that first meeting that I went too, there was a guy standing at the door. The man happens to be dead now, but his name was Reds Fanning. And I remember Reds. He stood there by the door and he said, Welcome to Alcoholics Anonymous. We're glad you're here. I don' t know what that made me feel like, but it made me feel like that this is not a bad place for me to be. And I thought it was, because I thought Alcoholics Anonymous was filled with derelicts and bums and near-do-wells and used-to-be's and has-beens and a few gray-haired little old ladies with blue tent and thin blue lips who would lead us in prayer and hymns. That's what I thought alcoholics anonymous was. I didn't know that I was going to be coming here doing a little social climbing. But actually I was. Some of the places I was drinking, I drank there. I was the established lower companion. So I wasn't seeking lower companions anymore. I were one. Speaking of that, you know, I don't have to go out and seek lower companions any more in some of those dives that I used to go in. If I want to seek lower companions, I just go to an AA meeting and find some of the guys that I sponsor. You know, it makes you really very supple. You aren't very quick. But greet the good newcomer. Make the newcomer welcome. You know if they're the life's blood to Alcoholics Anonymous they must be important and if they are important make them feel welcome. Don't make them feeling important but make them feel welcome. Also remember that the most important person in an AA meeting is not the newcomer. The most important in a new AA meeting is you and it better be each and every one of us that are there. We must be the most important there because we must be there, we must be sober, we have Alcoholics Anonymous in order to be and stay sober and so So AA is most important to me. I'm sure it's important to you when you get there, but it better be very important to me. Make sure you greet the newcomer and talk to the newcomers. I don't sit down or take a seat until five minutes before the meeting starts. I put my keys on a chair so I'll have a place to sit. and uh i uh walk around i not only speak to my friends but i don't have long-winded conversations with them i don'T HAVE LONG-WINDED CONVERSATIONS WITH THE PEOPLE THAT I SPONSOR AT THAT POINT EITHER UH THAT'S THERE IT'S THAT'S HELLO TIME THAT'S THE TIME WHERE I GET OUT OF MYSELF AND and it's a time that I'm able to greet to the newcomer and talk to the guy who's new to the meeting that I don't know. I've learned to do the dos and don't the don'ts. How's that? Can you remember that one? You do the does and don' t the don' ts. And you know what the don's are and you know where the do's are. We all know those things. But do what you're supposed to do when you're suppose to do it. Be where you're supposed to be when you're supposed to there, or let somebody know that you're not going to be able to make it. When you get up and get a cup of coffee, ask your neighbor, ask your friend, ask whoever's around you if they would like a cup. Make your life follow the two-cup rule. When you're going to do something for yourself, maybe you can at the same time do something for someone else. I offered to get them a cup of coffee. In Alcoholics Anonymous, on time is ten minutes early and if I learn to do that, I'm going to be on time. I'm going to alert to what's going on. In AA we talk about Alcoholics Alcoholics Anonymous being the language of the heart. What we're doing is we're sharing our experience, strength and hope with each other. We're not sharing our intellect, we're not showing our brains, we are not sharing how smart we are. We're sharing out experience, strengths and hope for each other and there's a lot of difference. When I was very new in Alcoholics anonymous I thought that I better learn all this stuff And I thought I'd better read the books, and I thought I'd memorize chapter five, and I thought to memorize the steps and the traditions and that sort of thing. By the time I was sober for five years, I knew more about AA than AA knew about itself, to be very honest with you. That's the way I felt anyway. And I found that, I look back on it now, I can't honestly tell you how I stayed sober when I was five years sober. I really am not sure that I know, because I don't think that I knew enough at that time. There are people that I sponsored and I began to sponsor when I was in my first year of sobriety over the day. And that amazes me. That truly amazES me, because I hardly knew enough to stay sober myself and I didn't really know how to stay sober myself without the guidance of a sponsor and people who came before me. I followed them. I did what they did, and because I did what they do, I've gotten what they had. I've had continuous sobriety ever since I came into AA. Probably there seem to be two general forms of Alcoholics Anonymous. One form is just don't drink and go to meetings, and you hear that a lot. You know, that's heard in Alcoholics Enormous because those are good things to do not to drink and to go to meeting. Your things like meeting makers make it, you know, that's true. It's true to an extent but if you go to the meetings and you're drinking Maybe eventually you'll stop drinking, I don't know. But I think that this idea of putting the plug in the jug and just not taking a drink, it sounds like to me an awfully long period of just grasping things with my fingernails and knowing that they're going to break at any minute because I couldn't live comfortably that way. The other form seems to be trust God, clean house, and help others. And that involves the whole process of Alcoholics Anonymous. The trust God clean house and help others seems to have come out of some place in Ohio near Akron I think. And the other one was kind of a you know if I could describe it as belonging to anything it's kind of an northeastern type of AA certainly in some parts. certainly very much so when I first came to AA because that was my experience anyway. I'm not saying that that was universal, but it was certainly part of what my experience was. Okay, so we were talking about, you know, trust God, clean house and help others. But the thing I learned to do was to learn to disagree without being disagreeable. I could disagree with somebody and keep my mouth shut. I didn't have to tell them I disagreed with them. God, I wanted to sometimes. Sometimes they needed to have somebody tell them that. But most of the time I was able to keep my mouse shut. I learned that I could be a friend among friends. And that is to say I can reach out my hand and I can act in a friendly manner where I am, no matter where I'm at. I don't have it where I come from. I don' t have to love the people. I don''t have to like the people, but I can be friendly. i can act welcome in a welcoming manner i've learned that i can uh i can accept the seemingly bad as well as the seemingly good i thought frankly when i was walking across that parking lot silver spring maryland going to my first day meeting i thought i thought look at i thought Jesus, look at what's happened. You're going to AA. Good God. What have you come to? What has your life come to?" And that's what I thought when I walked across the parking lot when Reds Fanning stuck out his hand and said, Welcome to AA, and Ernie spoke to me, and other people were there, spoke tome and shook hands with me, welcomed me in their fashion. I felt differently after I left that meeting than I did going into it I'll guarantee you that and that's true with every AA meeting I go to I feel better when I leave than I do when I went in there in the first place I was getting a divorce when I came into Alcoholics Anonymous and I thought that that was terrible I never got married with the idea that I was going to get a divorce. That was just not a part of my ethic, if you will. I thought that that was a terrible thing that was going on. But some months after I'd been in Alcoholics Anonymous, I met Peg. Some months later, she agreed to go out on a date with me. and uh on august the 12th 1966 and i wasn't even quite 11 months sober we got married and uh we'll be married uh 35 years uh tomorrow as a matter of fact and uh we haven't threatened each other with divorce during that whole 35 year period of time We haven't threatened each other where we're going to go. I'm going to leave you or any of that. We've talked about homicide a few times. Homicide's an acceptable act in our house. Not suicide, not suicide. We're the homicide types. I think it's a better class of people. but uh and i met married her and i could never have been married to my other wife for 35 years my first wife i never could have done that it just wouldn't have worked and i know that today i didn't know it at the time i married her but i knew it shortly thereafter But I'm really glad that I've been able to accept a seemingly bad as well as a seemingly good. I learned that my life is my responsibility. I learnedthat I am not a victim. I amnot a victim of anything. I'm a victimizer. I'm more inclined to be that way than I am to be a victim I don't blame my life on anything I acknowledge the fact that anything good in my life came from God and anything bad in my life has come from me I have initiated anything bad that's ever happened to me I've been there, I've placed myself in the wrong position I've done foolish things and I have done those but great things have happened to me and as a result of those great things happening to me I can tell you right now God gave those things to me they are part of my life I had to learn to be square and I think being square you cut your grass and you paint your house when it needs to be painted get your car repaired get the muffler fixed when it starts going do what you can towards appearing nicely and neatly in front of other people. Throw your trash away. Don't try to collect it. Don't trying to collect every newspaper that was ever published in Cincinnati. And we have archives that do that. We just don't have to do that, but learn to be square. Learn to do the things that the other people do. Do what your neighbors do. You don't have to have what they have, but do what they do. Cut your grass and move the snow. Treat your children like you love them. Treat your child like you like them. In AA, I've learned that we should elect our trusted servants because they have shown that what minor trust we have put in them has been worthwhile that they have done the job don't elect your friends just because they're your friends don't select somebody to a job in alcoholics anonymous because they are nice people elect them because they have shown themselves to be responsible because they have done what they said they were going to do and they said they were gonna do it they showed up and did what their showed up on the days that they were supposed to show up and did what they were supposed to do. I believe in rotation in alcoholics and honest. I don't believe for a moment that anyone should hold a job any longer than the traditional length of time, and I don'T believe that we should hold a job more than once. I DON'T believe that you should be an alternate GSR more than one time. I DON't believe that you shouldn't be a DCM or delegate or whatever any more than Once. I think once is enough, and also it makes room for other people to do other things. I have seen area assemblies. The state of Nebraska is a typical example of that. I could go out to a state committee meeting right now, the next one being held, and I'd know half of the people that were there because they've been going to that thing for years and years and years and they just rotate each other in jobs and you know I think it's a travesty I don't think it builds Alcoholics Anonymous I think it makes Alcoholics Anonymous stagnant at AA meetings talk about the solution not the problem talk about the solution when you go to your discussion meetings talk about the solution don't talk about the problem problem is something that you talk about to your sponsor or if the subject i mean you're going to talk about the problem is how about talking about hatred how about having an aa meeting a little little discussion meeting on hatred sometimes everybody has their share of that when they come in here you know what kind of a meeting do you think how do you thing that you would feel when you left that meeting i'd feel hateful frankly so don't talk about negative things talk about positive things talk about how to get out of here how about talking about what the solution is instead of what the problem is we all know what the problem is i am the problem i know that i am the problem and i have to get into the solution before I become a non-problem. The face of Alcoholics Anonymous has changed a lot since I came to AA. In 1965, there were very few specialty meetings, and we have specialty meetings for everything now. We have men's meetings and women's meetings and gay meetings and this meeting and that meeting and the other meeting and so on and so forth. And I think that that's happened in part because people have gotten bored. They've gotten bored with going to the regular AA meetings that they have gone to, and so they want to go to a specialty meeting so they don't have to quite talk about the solution the way they had before. Also, when I came into Alcoholics Anonymous, it was a little different than it is today because the men wore tattoos and the women wore earrings, And that's kind of changed here recently, it seems to me. But the whole face of Alcoholics Anonymous has changed. It's changed over the years. It has changed for the better because it's a better place to be than it used to be. Remember that we have to take the steps and we have to live the traditions and make the traditions a part of our life. Being self-supporting is not only an AA group. You know, try it out there. Try to be self-supporting out there and pay your bills on time. Don't involve yourself in financial things that you can't afford. If there's some question as to whether or not you can afford to buy it, don't buy it. How about living under your income? How about adjusting yourself so you live under your own income so that maybe you save 10% of your income. How about doing that? How about doing that and all of a sudden your company downsizes and you're out on the street? At least you have something under you, some undergirding. So become financially responsible. Be self-supporting. That's being self-supporting through your own contributions. i think that we should celebrate anniversaries and alcoholics knows i think when the person has a year and two years and so on and so forth i think we should celebrating i think that we really acknowledge the fact that there are people who've been sober for a long time And these people who have been sober for a long time have kept the doors of Alcoholics Anonymous open when we weren't paying attention that there were any doors. And I think we ought to honor those people who've done that. I think it's important that we recognize those people have been sobre for a Long Time. Not because I've been sober For A Long Time, because as long as this one person in the room has been sober longer than I have, I'm not an old-timer. and so I want to tell you I'm rarely an old timer and I like that give them the responsibility that way I don't have to take it collections we have a we pass the hat in Alcoholics Anonymous we say there are no dues or fees but we do have expenses and we pass the hat and people make a contribution I remember when I first came in I put a quarter in the basket and didn't think anything of it. Gradually, as I stayed sober a little longer, I can remember Buck telling me, hey, you can put a buck in the bucket and think of me. And so I'd put a bucket in the pocket and I'd think of my sponsor. And today, I put $2 in the packet every time I go. In my home group, I've put $3 in every week. And it just makes us feel like we're a good group. Whether we are a good groups or not is not my declaration. I don't think that I have the best home group in the world. There's some things that go on there that I don' t like, I can tell you. But it's certainly a viable meeting. And there's a lot of people who've gone to that meeting and been sober. People in this room have gone to hat meeting. They know what it is. You see 450 people going to a speaker meeting on a Tuesday night, and that's in a town of 50,000 people. That's not bad. There's a good reason for them to be there. They need it. I don't always need it, but I go anyway. I don' t think I do. but we have a tradition of uh contributing a dollar for each year of our sobriety to gso some in some areas they also contribute in the same manner to the central office and it's a good way to do it bear in mind that we're equals and alcoholics and honest we all have an equal responsibility we have the equal responsibility of not drinking and showing up and doing what we say we're going to do and being there you know following the two cup rule and putting money in the basket being an example in alcoholics anonymous being accountable to our sponsors and with the people that we sponsor and the and the that the people around us are our neighbors and friends and our loved ones we've got to treat them with equal love and care remember there's only two directions you can come from it doesn't make any difference who you are, you can only come from two different directions you can either come from love or you can or not it's just either one or the other you either come from love or you come from anger or hatred or whatever you're going to come from and if you're not coming from love you're not going to be accepted if youre angry and tired of people and act like that you'rent going tobeaccepted Dr. Bob said when you boil AA down to the basics its just love in service. He said, you know what love is and you know what service is. It's just as simple as that. AA is a simple place. We have 12 simple steps. They're not complicated. They mean exactly what they say. We have twelve traditions and the traditions mean exactly what they are saying. They don't need you to interpret them. I've been to many service meetings where they argue about the meaning of the traditions and the implied tradition breaks and all kinds of strange things. I never hear discussions like that when it comes to the steps. I think that the Twelve Traditions were as divinely inspired and as important, if not more important, than the steps because if it wasn't for the traditions, Alcoholics Anonymous would have fallen apart years and years ago. But it's managed to stay together, So there was a place for me to go on September the 15th, 1965. There was an AA meeting with an establishment of welcoming and taking care of newcomers. I want to make sure AA stays there. I used to say, you know, I want us to see that AA stays there so if it's necessary that my kid needs to go to Alcoholics Anonymous, it'll be there. Well, it was necessary that my kid go to Alkoholics Anonymous and he's been sober for 12 years. And I thank you for helping him stay sober because I couldn't help him to stay sober, but you could. I take care of your kids, you take care of mine. That's what it really amounts to. I'm I think that we have to but learn to give without putting any strings on it. And it says, Learn to give with your heart without remembering and receive without forgetting. How about that? That's a nice little statement. I think the main thing that I have to do is to tell you that because I've done these things, I've managed to stay sober and I've managed to live a life of pretty decent choices and pretty decent means, and I'm very pleased about that. There are a lot of things that you hear in Alcoholics Anonymous, by the way, that people seem to think, that must be right, it sounds right. For an example, I now have a choice whether I drink or not. If you're an alcoholic like I'm an alcoholic, Like, you don't have a choice. God gives you the strength one day at a time and the spiritual being one day at a Time not to take that first drink. This is a selfish program. I don't think so. I think it's a selfless program. I think this is a program where we give of ourselves, where we reach out and help other people. As an end result, we're able to gain what we want to gain. We're able again to maintain our sobriety. Take what you want, leave the rest like it's a buffet or something i don't think so i uh i think that you ought to take what you want and you oughtto take the rest of it too and put it in your pocket because there's going to be a time when you may may need to draw upon it those things that you don't like especially just do do whatever you feel like doing it's okay i'm glad we don't do that that would be terribly uncomfortable with a lot of people. It would be mayhem going on in meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous because I'm sure there are some people that are here that really just don't want to be. I don't have to drink unless I want to. You know, the magic of Alcoholic Anonymous is I don' t have to drank even when I do want to. That's the magic about Alcoholics Anonymous. Pray about it. Nothing wrong with prayer. But I think that you better makes part of that prayer a foot prayer too. You better put one foot in front of the other and do what you can do. God isn't going to do for you what you could do for yourself. Oh, get several sponsors. Sure, spread your joy around. I have to admit, I have several guys that I sponsor. I wish they had eight or ten other people. and then I'd only get a tenth of the crap that I have to listen to. But that isn't the way they're going to get well. That isn't how you're going get well, that isn' t the way I'm going to be well. Because I have share my life, there has to be someone in my life who knows all about me. It's necessary that there be someone aside from me who knows about me because when I get in trouble they'll know where I'm coming from. Besides that, if you had several sponsors, you could go around and tell them your problem and you could reword it to everyone that you went to and then you can take the easiest, softest way, can't you? And that isn't the way we're going to get well. We're going have to do some difficult things or some things that seem like they're going be difficult that aren't as difficult when we do them as we think about them, think that they are going to be. People say, you know, just go to any meeting. You know, it's better than no meeting at all, going to any meeting. That isn't true. Go to a meeting where your sponsor goes because your sponsor has managed to select some meetings that collectively gave him his experience of sobriety, his or her experience of sobiety. So go where your supporter goes. There are no musts in AA. No, there may not be, but you damn sight better heads or you ain't going to make it. There are a lot of musts in the big book. Read the big books and study the big ones. Read the book. AA is a self-help program? No, AA is not a self help program. AA is an help others program. You'll also hear AA described as a 12-step program. Alcoholics Anonymous is not a 12 step program. Alcoholics anonymous is a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength and hope with each other. They may solve their common problem to help others to achieve sobriety. We use the 12 steps. The 12 steps are the program for recovery but it's not a twelve step program, Alcoholics Anonymous is a fellowship. Fellowship is very important. That's where we are right now. We're enjoying the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous this weekend. You don't have to take the steps in order. Why not take them in order? They've got numbers on them to help you. It's a guide. Traditions are only for the group. In California they say Traditions are to the group like the steps are to the individual. I really think that the traditions have to do with learning how to live your life in unity with other human beings. They apply certainly to the groups, but they apply to the individual equally. You can go to too many meetings. Oh, I don't think so. Unless you're avoiding going to work by doing it i know sometimes people go to treatment they're told well when you get out go to two meetings a week and you need to get back involved with the bosom of your family well i got news for you i've never seen a newcomer yet that was married or ones that were single that their relatives wanted to have much to do with them they were glad to see me going out to meetings i'll tell you because they like the results they produce that's the way i feel about alcoholics anonymous today i go because i like what happens to me when i do go i feel better i have to love my learn to love myself before i can love anybody else if you try it that way you ain't never going to love anybody else. My experience was this, when I came to Alcoholics Anonymous, I didn't love anybody because I was afraid to anymore. And the people in AA loved me. And then I could learn to love them. I learned to love them because they loved me AA isn't spiritual enough. I don't think there's anything any more spiritual that you can do than help someone else save their own life i think that that's what god wants us to do i think he wants us to stay sober and help other alcoholics to achieve sobriety i think if that's enough for a simple guy like me when it comes to making amends i have to put myself at the top of the list it is really a true fact that people who put their name at the top of their amends list they never get down to number two they just never they just ever make it if you're an alcoholic like i'm an alcoholic you're going to take care of yourself first anyway because that's the way we are because we're selfish and self-centered but by god you better think about taking care of somebody else occasionally so you can break that chain and feel better about yourself i talked about putting balance in our life alcoholics anonymous and the reason why we love alcoholics anomalous the reason we stand behind podiums like this and try to express our love and gratitude is because it can't be done and everybody keeps trying to do it and we don't know how to do there's no exact way that we can express how much we love alcoholic synonymous or how much it's given to us or how important it is for us If I was to stand here and cry for you right now, it could be tears of joy because of my love for Alcoholics Anonymous and what it's done for me. But the truth is, if you don't understand that, we can't explain it to you. And we really can't. And if you do understand it, it's not necessary. I want to thank the committee for asking me to participate. I want to thank him for being a part of Alcoholics Anonymous, and I hope that those things have been of help to you. You've learned something by it, reminded you of what you're supposed to be doing because it reminded me of what I'm supposed to do. Thanks a lot.