The Action of Doing Exactly What You Are Told – Jim W.

I'll pay you after it gets through. I got that water for me of course, but you've got some over there. That's the way it is, you know. Some of us, not me, but some are a little selfish, self-centered. I went over that right quick. You know how to get over it, don't you? Accept it. Well, we do whatever we're going to do. And I love this because we never know what we're gonna do. It doesn't make a difference what we do because nobody years anyway so what the hell i love it said god had a good speaker last night really yeah what'd he say oh i don't remember but he's good going again next year well one of the highlights of my life and terry's my wife a lifeline i started saving my new wife but we've been married eight years already and uh a lot of people been married a long time i've been mad a long time I just didn't stay with the same girl. Well they told me to have an open mind and adjust. Hearing the senator and being around him last night and his lovely wife Eleanor, I don't want to cry yet but it's one of the highlights of my life. You can tell about a man and woman when they go through something, it's how they are when they got through it. It's not what they go through. And if you weren't here last night, you missed the real delight and the real truth about two wonderful people. And I encourage you to get that tape if you were here last net. I enjoyed it very much. Now you have a Kleenex Sterling, and I'd like to thank the committee, Dupree, and what's your president wife's name? I just did that Maggie for fun. And Bobby and Maurice and Nancy and I won the Braves ball game last night and I'm glad to meet some old friends, some new friends. Bob and Ruth have been a friend of mine for a long time and that's what I love about this deal once you're here and get it and then it continues while you get to meet new people and do things happen to you and good things happen to you. And I love the word TRUDGE because we know what it is don't we? Just It's a free ride, except we think. When you wake up is the problem. You start thinking and it'll mess you up every time. What's that? Well I am Jim Williams and I'm an alcoholic, and the reason I'm sitting down is because I've learned to pass out sober. You have to be sober quite a while before you have to learn how to do that. You can't just get it. I forgot what page it's on, but I've finally developed where I can pass out in 18 minutes. Not 19 or 17, but 18. So in case any of y'all want to know how to do that, talk to me at the meeting. What's that deal where you have to have sex all the time? Codependency. Isn't that amazing? You know, we're something else. We are something else! Here we are, brilliant as we are. We go to Hazelton, tell them how we are! They write it down, put it in a book, and we buy it because we identify with it. I told my sponsor, I said, Do you mean to tell me we're that sick? He said, Yeah, we're THAT sick. And that deal now where they have meetings where your parents made you do it? What is it? Acre? Alcoa or something. Not aluminum, but whatever it is, where your PARENTS made you do it. I don't get to go to those meetings because my parents did not raise me to be an alcoholic. They raised me in a little old bitty county out in northwest Texas where it was dry, where they didn't do anything. And they raised me as a southern, southern, Southern, Southern Baptist. We're the real ones! the ones that pray for the Catholics. Well, they drink, you know. The Presbyterians knew it was going to happen. The Episcopalians just got tired of being Catholic. And the Methodists, they just didn't like water. I think I'd like to be a Lutheran. They believe in doing everything just a little bit. I was raised in this little old Baptist church and they'd point their finger at you, you know, and they know you're getting ready to sin. They would sing one more stanza for that one right back there. Your throat hurt. Finally I got to be about 13 which which will happen to you if you do what I was doing one day at a time. And I got in the car with this girl one afternoon, right after school, and we drove out into the country, which was about two blocks. And we got to messing around, and I got those funny feelings. So I went to the Baptist church and told them about it. We've been meaning to talk to you, see, I knew the hint. You know we've been praying for you. Oh, God, yes, I know you've been praying for me. You know it's not like AA. They said, Saul Dupree lay in the ditch last night. If he lives, we'll get him. And this month they just hone in on you. They pick you out. They realize, boy, he's got a gleam in his eye. He's getting ready to do it. If he does it, we're going to lose him. So they really hone in on you." This guy said, What you need to do is get saved. I said, What from? I haven't done nothing. He said, You meet us before the funeral or service. And I met them and we got back in that room and they got down on their knees and they just prayed and prayed and pray and pray. And then they said now when they sing that last stanza you get up and you come down and you get saved. And they sang that last dance and pointed right at me, throats choking, and I come down it was kind of like a except don't give out any chips. They hug you and kiss you and tell you how great you are, and you know you're not, but I liked it. And they throw you in the tank and the hanks or fleeks and you choke a little, but you come out all right. Went to school the next day and saw that girl, came right back. So I went back and told them, I said, we're going to have to do it again. didn't take. They said, no, you just don't do it. Well, they didn't know. I didn't know how to don't-do-it. I said, well, how do you don't do it? Don't think about it. I wondered why I didn' t think about that. I thought, well it's only two o'clock in the afternoon, I'll just go ahead and think about it. Then when I get tired thinking about it, I'll get up in the morning and I just won't think about anymore. Got up next morning, thought about it more than I ever thought about before in my life. I had no idea that I'm the kind of person, when I start not to do something, I'm going to do it all the time. And when I'll start not think about something, that's all I'm gonna think about. I used to try to wake up real quick before I thought about Finally got out of high school Had to go to summer school To get out of higher school I don't think I was so dumb I was just always busy Like the guy said I came by the car yesterday And spoke to you Didn't even speak to me And I said I was having a meeting He said There wasn't anybody in there But you I thought Well how many do you need? Thirty miles away was a wet town, wet county, where they had honky-talks, beer joints. I'd heard about them, so I told this buddy of mine one Saturday, as far as I knew you could do it during the week. I said, just slip over there and find out what that's all about. And we slipped over and walked in that honky talk, and there was that deacon I'd seen all my life with the warm girl in one hand, the cold beer in the other. I said, my God, let's get out of here. He'll tell Jesus on us. You know, if you get caught before you do it, you ought to just forget it. He said, well, he can't tell anybody. I said he's got a better shot with Jesus than we do. However, he was happier than I had ever seen him. And I like the girl he's with on Saturday night a lot better than the one he's mit on Sunday morning. I thought, by looking at him every Sunday morning, that deacons were just saying. Now I know, hell, he's just tired. We drank two beers, didn't taste good, didn'T feel good, and I was glad to get out of there. I thought, man, I'm going to go to Sunday school and church in the morning. I'll bet you you can get old enough you won't have to go. There he was, sad like he always was. Then I had my first spiritual awakening. Maybe you're good a little bit and just don't tell anybody. God, I couldn't wait to tell my buddy next Saturday we're going back. It was big town. Had two joints. Went to the other joint. Did not see a deacon I knew. Started drinking. Didn't even know I knew how to drink. You just drink one beer right after the other. I would have committed adultery, but I didn't know much about it. And you know how we are. Think about it all day long. Drink a beer and forget it. Or if we do, we don't remember where we did or not. And I did not know that I knew how to do it. You just drink one beer right after the other. And you get to feeling good. Can't feel at all. Learned how to dance. Southern Baptist, not allowed to dance, fell down the dance floor, broke my nose. Did it five times after I learned how to doing it. Waked up the next morning, threw up just like I've been doing it for years. This guy called and said, how do you feel? I said, God, I feel horrible. He said, oh, but you had a great time. I said oh well. Then I knew how to have a good time. Just go out and get drunk, blackout, wake up the following morning, throw up, then you know you had a good night. You had a good day. Did not know you drank it any other way. I thought people who didn't drink like I drank didn't drink. Now they're putting umbrellas in them. They don't want any rain water to get in there guess they were already putting fruit in them before I quit drinking I just not my drink because you know too much acid it's not good for you I was over this little town by myself when I stood about 2 30 and I wanted to put off starting the drink as long as I could and I walked by this post office and there was a sign out there said we need you I walked in there and they did they said have you ever been to California? And I said, no, I haven't been but 30 miles away from home. We're going tomorrow. Really? Yeah. I'm already having trouble. I'm running with kids and going places that I didn't want to go so they'd like me and they never liked me enough. I never felt like I fit in anywhere. And my folks would say things like, Jimmy would never want to do that. Yeah, I did too. I'd already done it. Why don't you get ready to do it again? things that they'd really say was jimmy wouldn't be caught dead doing that god wouldn't it be awfully caught dead during that everything he knew i didn't want to do i wanted to do and everything they knew i wouldn't because they're doing i want to and everything that they knew i wanted you i didn t want to so i end up signing that piece of paper and going back home and said I'm going to California tomorrow. How are you going? You don't have any money. I said, I'm going in the Air Force. We're leaving in the morning. Well, they look funny, but they let me go. Went back over there, got in there. We went to San Antonio. That outfit really operated one day at a time. And they're a funny bunch. You get up in the middle of the night and make your bed real quick like somebody's coming. Never did. Then they want to go eat. My God, it's dark. make you sick eating that time of night even if you haven't been drunk that for and they were scared because they always walked in groups whoever it was decided we ought to take a surprise trip which means we're not going to tell you so you can't tell anybody and nobody will know where you're going well i understood that well whoever it wasn't an eye outfit decided we ought to go to china we're in the air force so we go to China by boat I think they flew the Navy over and the Marines ran the boat. There's a lot of Chinese over there. They have a few hills and some rice, but they mainly just make Chinese. They enjoy it, they're good at it, and they're not interested in doing anything else. They just make Chinese. They lose some, but they're making so damn many that it doesn't make any difference. After you're older about three weeks, you've seen all the Chinese you'll ever need to see. So I told them I was ready to come back home. We stayed two years and came back by boat. My folks says, where are you going to school? I said, I'm not going to go to school. I hate school. I wouldn't be caught dead going to school. Couldn't get out of school and went to school. If you don't have that piece of paper, you won't be every person coming out of the service is going to have that piece of paperwork. If you piece of paper. You won't even be able to apply for a job, let alone get one. Well, I proved my folks wrong. I gutted that thing straight through three and a half years, made sure that I didn't learn one single thing. Every course that I took, I knew I was going to pass it before I took it and made sure it didn't benefit a human being whatsoever. ever. You know what I like about you and I? We'll go to any length, even if it destroys us, just to be right. A lot of people won't do that. A Lot of people say, I could be wrong about that. Not you and me. The only time you and I will ever use that statement is when we're damn sure we're right. And then we might say, oh well, I could be wrong about that. Having some minor difficulties with women. If you put ten pretty girls up there, I'll get the sick one every time. I don't know where I learned how to do that. I see some guys, they just go one girl one night, one girl next week, just change girls. You're not supposed to do this. supposed to go with a girl that you could be in love with, one that's a pretty girl and she can take home and show your folks for God's sakes. You can't just go with any girl. It would take me about two months to find that precious sick little thing. If we'd be so much in love in about two months I'd almost have to quit work. Then they'd just deteriorate from there on out. When I got to A, I thought this is the greatest place that I have ever been. It's the first time I'd ever been where they had the sick women grouped. And I like both kinds. I like the ones that got sick doing it and the ones who got sick watching him do it. Every place that i worked wanted me to come to work on Mondays. That's my flu day. I don't have the flu on Thursday, but if I have the flu it is on Mondays. And for some reason evidently every place that I worked God wanted me to make sure that they did it properly. Some of those businesses that fired me are still operating and doing it wrong, which This probably means that most of us are too smart to be in business. Finally got out of a job and couldn't find one, and the way I'd look for jobs is I'd get up every morning and throw up and spray, and then I'd go fill out one of those forms that ask you personal questions like, Where have you lived the last ten years? Well, it's none of their business. Besides that, I like to move around some. of the people where I lived like for me to move around some. They ain't want to know where you've worked. Where have you worked the last 10 years? None of their business where I worked. Then the rest of blanks, you've got to figure out, wonder what they'd like for me today. Well, you don't know them too well. It's hard to figure out what to put in there. And then the interview lasts about five minutes. Then you go out to get drunk and do that one day at a time. I finally say this one place that I knew a guy would help me, I knew he was a friend of mine, and I knew they had an opening and I knew I'd qualify for the job. Walked in that door, the personnel guy's right there, he's standing right there and he said, oh my God, you're not here for this job. And I said, yeah, you don't want this job, he doesn't want his job. I said my God! Everybody knows what I don't want. Everybody knows what I want. It's always the opposite. Also knew there's something about me he'd like to tell me, but he didn't know how to do it. And I also knew that they're going to like it better when I left. So I went out and got drunk and waked up the next morning, threw up and I said, you know, I've been doing this for about 10 days. I think I'll just take the day off. Went out the golf course, made no leg, no piece of toast, went around the beer joint there with the golf course where my spiritual advisor worked. And he says, my God, man, drink this beer. I said, oh, I'm Baptist. We don't drink before noon. That's 1030. He said, drink the beer. Don't want anybody having DTs out here on the golf court. So I drank about half of it and sprayed the golf course with it. I don't mind spraying if I don' t lose my concentration. Start thinking about women or something, it gets to your nose, burns. Then you have to drink the rest of the day just kill the pain and I already knew how to meditate before I got here it's when it just be me God in a commode and you say oh god and this stringy this is an after-dinner talk and you can't breathe or you'll get it back so you don't know whether you're staying or going. You know, it's imagined in a hot summertime after you get through that deep meditation is tiring and I'd always lean over there and that bowl was always just as cool. I told that guy, I said, I think I better go home and lie down. I think i'm really coming down with something. I didn't get to use those beds with the vibrators in them for two years after I sobered because I used to vibrate all by myself. And I was supposed to call on hospitals. I'd get in the car every morning, and I'd say, God, I hate to go to that big old hospital, have a hard time finding a parking place. Then when you do, you got to take that kit, go through the lobby, and wind down through the basement. You know that purchasing agent, not going to buy anything anyway. See, you don't even have to park. Just drive right on by. Wait till 1030, go to the beer joint, said didn't buy anything again today. Well, I went home. I was living in Houston then, and I went home and I got in the living room and I thought if I commit suicide those guys that didn't hire me will worry about it for the rest of their days they'll see in the Houston Chronicle Jimmy Williams commit suicide and they'll never get over it but I didn't know how to do it I see it on television now suicide call that number they probably have softer easier ways join our group we're losing some but we're gaining all the time razor blades were popular then i didn't like guns because don't like noise of morning and besides they splatter all over everything razor blades are popular then but all they ever said was cut his wrist with a razor blade what kind of razor straight edge double edge where do you cut it which wrist you got two which way to cut it this way that I knew you couldn't do it in the living room you get blood all over the carpet I'm always thinking of others so I went in the bathroom and got my old double-edged razor I decided if I cut both wrists then I can bleed and die evenly because what if I cut one wrist and the left side died and the right side be alive what if I backed out half dead half alive so I just cut both of them and I'm sitting in there and listening to the drip and thinking about those guys are going to worry about it for the rest of their days and the phone rang and I thought what if where I'm going I'll always wonder who that was called That'd be enough to run you crazy. So I put a Band-Aid on my wrist right quick, and it was the police. You know how police have been trained by ministers? They pick you up about three o'clock in the morning, stop you, and they say—never talked to one yet, didn't have personality change—he'll say, come go along with me. And I said, man, I can't make it. I'm supposed to be home at 7 o'clock. It's 3 o' clock now. I have got to get home. Then they say, Get out of the car! Then you say, By God, I'm not going to do it. Then they really go nuts and you have to pacify them and go along with them. This guy said, Where were you last night? And I said, I was right here. And he said, No, you weren't. Then I didn't want to talk to him anymore. I'd already learned don't ever talk to anybody no more about where you've been than you do. I said, well, what do you want me to do? And he said, well, you can either come down here or we'll come out there and get you. I said well, I'll be right down there. I knew where to go. Been there before. And he knew who I was. He said, well, if I were you I'd pick up an attorney on the way because you're in trouble, brother. And I said well, that'll take me an extra 30 minutes but wait for me. I'm coming. God, I love to live with me. I can live a week in a half a day I've had a hell of a day been out the golf course threw up all over the golf course come back home had a big meeting committed suicide now I've got to have an emergency meeting and it's only a quarter of 11 I decided well maybe the Lord is telling me to leave Houston maybe I've got $36, which before inflation was plenty to start a new career. So I just threw all my old had a few little quilts and blankets and pillows and threw it in the car and just had a little two-door car and I put it all leveled it all out had one piece of furniture an old lamp with a lampshade I guess that's gonna carry the light if I could find the plug mailed the key to the folks who got the car and took out out of Houston and stopped by and got a pint of bourbon just in case my health got bad. Waked up the next morning in Brownwood, Texas and had seven dollars and I said wonder how my folks are getting along. It's amazing when you intuitively know it's time to call home. So I called collect so they know it was me. They lived in Fort Worth and they said what are you doing in Brownwood. I gave him my favorite statement, oh, just out riding around. Well, why don't you come by to have a cup of coffee? So I did. I never shortchanged my folks. They're not going to get their money back. So I always gave them my very finest story. In fact, I got to listen to it and it was so horrible, hell, I cried with them. I thought, my God, if I'd known it was that bad, I'd left Houston three years earlier. So old John said, well, Jimmy's honest. Let him have 100. Hoo! But 107, listen, it's happy time. But I knew I'd sweat that night out and I knew I couldn't drink. So I never took my clothes off, went in that bedroom and closed that door. And I walked that floor and lay down, walked that door and laid down until finally daylight came. And when I walked, started to leave at daylight, my aunt was up and she says I said Annalee there's one little thing I left out last night while I was in Houston having all that trouble I was drinking some but you never have to worry about me again I shall never drink again as long as I live you'll never have to worry about my being under financed ever again and my folks still look at me just like a blank when I got an A I'd been in A about a year and I went back up there and said, do you remember that time? She said, which one? She said well I think I remember. I turned around to John and said John what do you think? He said he's 33. He'll never live until he's 35. They thought when I would leave it could very easily be the last time they'd ever see me. Well I went right out of Fort Worth. Didn't know where to go. And I remembered I helped a guy get a job in Rio Grande Valley. Never been there. Understand they had palm trees and everything down there. So I said that's where I'll go. Went right out of Fort Worth Stopped at a federal station Happened to sell beer How far is it to Waco 79 miles Let me have three So I end up At the Rio Grande Valley And this guy did not Let me come to his home I can't understand that But he There was a drunk Running an old hotel That they had a trade out with And they put me up for nothing In this old rickety hotel I stayed there Three weeks Never took my clothes Out of the car Every morning I'd get up Come down To the old ricky elevator Go across the street give them a short shirt, shop, go back up, and change clothes. And I stayed there three weeks, and they hired me. Now, they don't hire you in the Rio Grande Valley because they want you. They hire you because nobody comes out there looking for jobs. They go down there to play or go to Mexico or to snow dodge out of the Midwest. They don't go down There looking for a job. Usually when I'd get a new job, I could just get drunk and not drunk-drunk. and I'd work seven days a week till I'd get up into my place sometimes it has somebody in my place I'd have to get him fired that happened there took me three months to get it done and then I got into my place and where I can level off and do my little deal and I also knew there's something wrong because here I am being true to one woman at a time and they go to pot then there you are walking around in love with no girl so what I need to do is get a number one and a spare. That's hard to do. It's hard to court drinking. You call about 10 o'clock in the morning. If you're not doing anything, let's go somewhere tonight. About 730 be okay? Yeah, I'd be fine. Might be four or five days before you get by there. And my weekends were like this. I'd work Monday through Saturday noon, go to the golf course, have a heavy lunch like a six-pack of the cheese cracker, blackout be home in bed blacked out 6 30 quarter seven wake up 10 30 quarter 11 go down to my beer joint close it at one o'clock then when they close then whoever my best friends were at the time we'd go on over to matamoros mexico and spend the rest of the evening and then when daylight came sometimes we'd have a little way with ron cheris and throw it up or we might skip it drink beer and Sunday, either way, and taper off into Monday. And sometimes I made Monday, and sometimes I missed it. Well, this particular weekend, I traded off with a guy, and I'm up on Friday night, and over at number one's house, blacking out about 11 o'clock, and evidently, I'd never mentioned number two. And I just merely mentioned her name, thinking I might drop by and see her on the way home. Evidently, she wanted to discuss it. And so, I said, well, I've got to go to the bathroom, and I went to the bathroom. She followed me in there. Bad place to have a meeting. Need to stay out there where they got couches and carpet and beds. Don't go in there where you got lavatories, commodes, and bathtubs. I don't remember what happened. Next morning, I'm living in an old faded green trailer in an alley behind a motel. I had the rockyards a long time before we started putting them in. I'd see the weeds come up there and say, you'll never make it. They only got one door and I've already learned how to wake up in total fright in my own bed, let alone somebody else's. And I'm laying there and something goes wham! Thought I jumped up, looked down, still had my clothes on and I said, I bet I was going somewhere early this morning. Kept beating on that door and oh my God, I had knots all over my head. I wrecked my car. I have wrecked, that's the police, I've wrecked my car. Kept beating on that door and beating on that door, and you can't get out of those trailers. You got one door and the windows about like that. There's no way to get out the back. So I finally opened that door in that six foot four 240 pound Baptist preacher said come go along with me. I said preacher I know I look like I'm ready but I'm not ready. I don't know where the meeting is but I can't make it. I cannot make it, I cannot. He said get in the car! God they talk to you terrible. Preachers and police talk to you terrible so i got in the car and i said preacher i'm not i would have to have a beer there'll be no drinking before the meeting i said preacher you got to stop the car i've got to have a beer i have got preacher i am not breathing preacher preacher iamnotbreathingpreacher i can't breathe i'vegottohaveabeari'mnotbreathin do you know The Baptist preachers don't give a damn whether you can breathe or not. I drove up in front of her house, so I assumed the median was going to be there. So we walked in and she did look like she might have fallen into a bush or something. And my, I've still got a little blood, and I've got four knots in my forehead as knots. So I said, I have got to go to the bathroom. I went in that bathtub and looked in that mirror, and I'm going to tell you something. She won. I'll never know what really happened. What I think really happened was I lost my equilibrium, fell in that bath tub, and she stomped me. Two weeks later, we got married. We got married to First Baptist Church so it would work. We got marry at 10 o'clock in the morning so there would be no drinking before the funeral ceremony. I told her since she had been married before and I was pure that it wouldn't be necessary for us to invite a lot of people, but she could invite a few of her close friends. And so about 11 o' clock that night, I'm blacking out, so I start calling my friends. said I quit around three. When I got there, she was already at the church, and I started to cross the lawn, and here come my beer distributor golfing buddy saying, wait a minute, as your best friend, I've got to talk to you. We know both of you.We're not here to see you get married. We're here because we don't believe it. And I'm going to tell you if I were you, I'd forget job and everything, get in that car and leave he said the longest bet on your marriage is three weeks but i showed him i hung it in there for eight years but my life changed i had no idea how nice it was to get up and throw up in peace i'd go in that bathroom grab i was always going to quit smoking because made me gag of morning So I'd grab those cigarettes, grab that coffee, go in that bathroom, lock that door, and she'd tell me what I was through that door. Then I'd have to get upset, go make the living, get drunk, come on, tell her what she was. We did that one day at a time. Finally, I went back to that preacher, and I said, Preacher, this thing is not working. He said, You know what's wrong with you? You're missing the beauty of life. I said, yeah. Did you know the fruit trees are in bloom? I said no. What you need to do is go home and get your wife and get in the car and drive up the valley and smell the aroma and look at the blossoms. I said yeah. Got in the car, went over open door and said, get in the car. What for? We're going to go look at the blossoms. The blossoms, yeah, we're missing the whole damn thing. She got in the car and I went by and picked up a six-pack of beer, started up the valley, saw a sign that said 14 miles to Matamoros, turned left, went to Matamaros, switched tequila, blacked out, missed the whole damn time. lost that job and could not find one and I went all over the country for about two months looking for a job and finally a guy if there was one other guy that got drunk and was a drunk like me it was this guy and he managed a drug company and he hired me and he shipped me to Fort Stockton, Texas he said he sent me out there to learn the drug business he sent my out there because nobody else would go Fort Stockton is out in West, West, West Texas. Little trees about that high. You can see California on a clear day. Five hundred and thirty-six people lived there, and thirty- six of them were making a living, and I joined the five hundred. Now I'm supposed to stand in a drugstore and hold a pad and write between those lines when when the pharmacist calls out areomycin and you can't do it moving you just can't do it now I'm standing there he's calling it out not moving and he said my god you look like you're gonna fly apart I said any minute he said well take some of these now this was before Valium understand Valium both eyes crossed you walk straight This was just Librium, which is really nothing. Little old bitty two-tone green and black and two-toned green. There's really little old bity things. I took two of them, waited 15 or 20 seconds, nothing happened. I'm used to something moving, burning, doing stuff. Didn't do anything. So I took three more. Then my knees just go, huh! And I thought, God, I know how to weave. Now I've got to learn new stance. Y'all have ruined the drug business. I used to get them for nothing. And he used to say, Jim, I'm a little short of 10 milligram, 25 be okay, be fine. They don't know we don't go by milligram, we go by size. So I took a living on daytime, drank beer at night, and when I'd get to the beer joint, if I'm going to go home early, I'd just drink three After the third beer, never before, I decide whether I'm going home early or going home late. If I'm Going Home Early, I put a pint of bourbon on top of those three beers and that Librium and went home blacked out like you're supposed to go home. I'm gonna spend the night till midnight, I'll stay there until the beer joint closes and I'll go home like you'RE supposed to GO HOME, blacked OUT. My ideal evening was when I blacked-out right at the door. Sometimes I'd be a little early. and sometimes i'd have to have one more drink to black out but i'm a good blackout driver never had a wreck blacked out bad drunk driver all right so on the card what stage i'm in is how fast i go i slow down sometimes and sometimes I speed up sometimes I can hit things that are not even moving guy offered me a job that hadn't seen me in 15 years recommending me to a company I didn't know anything about didn't what they did and I got the job They sent me back to Houston had no reason to get that job Just got it had no region to go with it and don't have any reason to it today, but I'm still with them That was March the 1st of 1965 and oh what's-her-name and I set up battle and We had finally developed such a nice sweet deep hate for one another they were really kind of safe because the one that died first won but it was best we sleep in separate bedrooms cause it's not too safe and my new customers never saw me drunk until the day before Christmas Eve in 1965 I played golf with some administrators and their in-laws and outlaws and I got a little too hospitable, and I went to their home afterward to meet all the ladies. And I blacked out at the door, and i didn't remember just spots. I drove from one side of Houston to the other, blacked out, and there's nothing new for me. And i've done it many, many times. But always when I was at someone's home and I got drunk, I'd call back the next morning and say, I sure am sorry about last night. And they would always say, it's okay, Jim, you just got drunk. I wanted them to tell me what I did. They never did do it. They always said, Jim you just got drunk and the only drunk I knew, nobody called me an alcoholic, the only drunk that I knew was this one guy named Old Bratch who slept downtown in Crowell Texas and they always talked about how awful he was and what a terrible person he was, and he was drunk and always slept downtown. And that drunk got to be that word and I got to him. And I guess I heard on the radio, oh what's the name had gone, that's what's the name number one, had gone next door, they were gonna have a Christmas Eve party, and I guess it must heard on radio because I I picked up the phone book and looked under Alcoholics Anonymous and called in a group. And the gal acted like she was glad I called. I should have known then I had the wrong number. She said, somebody will be right out. Well, hell, I waited an hour and nobody showed up. Looked in the icebox, had three beers, and it's 10-15. I thought, well, I'll just call and tell them I don't need them. Forgot who it was I called about that time. The phone rang. Guy said, I'd be right there before I could tell if I didn't need him. He hung up. I thought, well, I'll just get rid of it. He came by himself, but even though they had moved to another place, his wife was managing these apartments when I moved in. So he knew who I was. He used to watch me going back to 7-Eleven saying, if he lives, we'll get him. So he came by myself and I looked out that door and he had a book under his arm and I said, oh my God, we're going to read that book and pray. I've not only been baptized, I've been rededicated 10 times. I'll just get rid of it. He came in. I don't know what he said. We didn't read the book. I don' t know what I said. About that time, What's-Her-Name No. 1 came back in. He said, Do you want to go with me? Well, I didn't, but it's better to stay with her. So I got in the car with him and we hit that old 610 loop in Houston. I said, My God, I've made a mistake. I've gone off with a perfect stranger. He's not my kind of guy. I should have taken my car even though his was much better. And I thought, I'll buy a beer. and he said, I don't want a beer. I thought, God, I knew it, I new it, I knew that. So I waited about two seconds and I said, well, you're going to have to let me out on top of this freeway and I'll go over there and get me a beer or you got to take me over. I got to have a beer and I got it right now and besides that, it's 1120. He said, can you wait till we get to the club? Oh yeah, I can do that. I can handle total fright if I've got a little light. It's when you don't have any light you can't handle the fright. So we drove and drove in kind of a bad neighborhood and drove up to this old rickety-looking house. I said, This it? He said, Yeah. I thought, Well, when I get some money, I'll help these folks. Walked in there, and there's a bunch of deacons sitting over there talking about women in the stock market, and I found out later on they didn't know anything about either one. Back there in the back, they had an old bar with an old piece of linoleum on it because it had holes in it, and the bartender, he didn't look a hell of a lot better than I did. Program of attraction, you know. and this little deacon said mix him up a little milk and honey I said my god what do you put in it I never drank anything like that in my life he said well you see you're nervous I said hell that's what I've been trying to tell you and besides all that you're used to sugar in your system from alcohol and the honey has already been digested I said indigestion is not my problem if you throw up right you don't have indigestion I drank half of it and it curdled and came right back up he said don't worry about it we have plenty thought hell I'm going to put on a show for these guys one of the smart ones said walk all you want to hell I didn't want to walk at all they just sit there and watch you go by it's like a tennis match we got a new animal in here today and he's walking back for drinking that sweet sweet sweet sweet god i couldn't believe it i could i hadn't had a piece of chocolate pie in 10 years six sweet about 4 30 he said well i guess i'm ready to go home and i said yeah let me out a couple blocks before i get the apartment i knew i'd slip in there and get my car go get some bourbon because beer would not cut that sweet taste he said don't drink anything i'm gonna pick you up in an hour and a half i said what for we're going to meeting i said where right back where we came from that my god was there all day i got out walked walked and here he comes and back over there we go it's kind of a funny bunch i saw a few of them kind of laughing hugging the kitchen rest of me didn't like that act like they're too damn happy to be there either then they got up said a little old prayer can you imagine that alcoholics and then some girl got up talked two or three hours i know they said 30 minutes but i know it's longer than that and they would just laugh laugh wasn't a damn thing funny that's some guy got up talk two or три hours they said thirty minutes i know what and they'd laugh i said i'm gonna tell you this sick bunch of people then he get up they all get up hold can you imagine this get up and hold hands say the lord's prayer can you read that all of a sudden the holy spirit moved in there every one of them got to talk at the same time nobody listening i said i wonder how he did that they didn't sing any songs lay any hands do any needling did nothing i said tomorrow night i'm gonna keep my eyes open see what he did me and the deacon are standing over here by the door then I see the deal men and women holding hands laughing and talking jumping in those cars and taking off well I'll meet you there I'll met you there uh oh that's it once you're here a little while go have a little drink talk about this down there we went night after night after night after night nobody invited us anywhere I've got the only deacon that nobody likes it doesn't rain in houston just falls out so one night it's just raining he said i'll pick you up in 30 minutes i said it's raining did you ever go get a drink it was raining i'll be ready one weekend oh what's the name of going back to valley see if we had any friends left so i just went home closed the door pulled down all the shades turned out all the lights didn't have anything on for the tv set that old phone just ring ring ring let her ring next morning he said well where were you last night i said i was right here watching television enjoyed every damn minute of it and i may do it again tonight they do it all weekend he said why you missed it i said what damn is he said i don't know i said wasn't you there he said yeah but i only heard what i was supposed to hear we'll never know what it was you were supposed to hear. I thought, my God, you've got to go every night. You'll miss it. I went every night, three months, got drunk, every night three months got drunk. Every night three months I got drunk and I sobered up all by myself. And I decided that I had heard some people were just heavy drinkers, not alcoholics. I'm really just a heavy drinker and my really only real problem has ever been I've just been under-financed. And if I can get properly financed, I could tell them all to shove it. But first things first, I need to go back and officially resign and say thank you very much. So the meeting had already started so I waited after meetings over and evidently I'd called him one morning about 2 30 while drinking. I doubt that very seriously. They've been sober longer than you, and they'll tell you anything, I think. So when I'm on the way to tell him that I'm resigning, and thank you very much, I just don't need you, and I'm just not one of y'all. Before I could tell him, he said, don't you ever call me again. I said, God, I'm glad you said that. I never called you in the first place they called you, and I'm gonna tell you something your best friends will not tell you nobody likes you here we don't get invited anywhere and they don't know me so it's got to be you and I want to tell you another thing I've been going with you for almost I don't for almost over nine months and I'm going to tell you something. If I had as bad a personality as you do, I'd go back to drinking. And you don't ever have to worry about seeing this face ever again and I'll guarantee you, you'll never ever hear a phone call from me if you're the last human being on earth. And I left and he didn't until the next morning. And And I called him and he said, meet me at the club. Walked in the club and he said, get your coffee and sit down. They talk to you like a dog here, you know. And I'm going to tell you something about Alcoholics Anonymous, Al-Nan, Al-Teen, Al Totten, Al Dogg. Absolutely no failure here. Never has, never will, impossible to, and cannot fail. There never has been, never will be any failure here provided you do exactly what we tell you to do the way we tell you to it so now there's only one thing that you're going to get to do for the rest of your days but you're the only ones gonna get to it nobody's gonna do it for you you're gonna have to do it but you don't get to anything else you're only get to decide every day whether you're growing your way of life or our way of life if you don t give an alcoholic a decision to make they'll flounder on the same subject for years. So we're going to give you a decision to make this morning. You're either going to go our way of life or right back out that door. I said, I don't want to do either one. He said, I didn't ask you what you wanted to do. I asked you what your going to do? I said do you mean tell me you don't care what I want to or not? The group doesn't care? Nobody cares? Nobody cares. Well, if you'll make it perfectly clear at the group that I don' t want to do it? Then I'll do it. He said, well, first of all, we've got to get some things straight. It's your thinking that's wrong. I said, how much am I thinking is wrong? We always start with all of it. And if there's any good, we'll let you know. I says, you put a sign up there on the wall that says think, think, thing. He says, that's for us. He say, now we're going to give you some things not to do and some things to do the thing's going to give you to do you'll just add two the thing's gonna give you not to that are gonna change then it's gonna happen over there and then what's gonna have over there we don't know but it always happens i said i'm gonna tell you something i've been listening to you and listening toyou and listeningto you and i want you to hear me i do not understand he said and that's it and don't you ever forget it so there's two things that you must remember for the rest of your days no matter what's going on in your life you do not understand then you'll have understanding and when you quit trying to understand thenyou can enjoy it and the other thing is no matter what your situation is it's never the situation it'snever them never her it's never God. It's you that must become different. You must become different than you have ever been before. I said, how do I do that? He said, oh, you can't. I say, what the hell you tell me for this? He says, that's what's going to happen to you. He said, now I'm going to give you the kicker. This is the very one thing that got you here, but it's also the very one thing that should it not change will be the very one thing that's going to keep you from getting all the things that God has for his children. As long as you know that you know, you'll never know. But when you begin to do what we tell you not to do and do and begin to know that you don't know, then you'll begin to know. I said, hell, you're crazy. He said, I know. He said, now since you don't know how to not do anything, first thing we're going to learn how to do is not drink or take a pill. You know that list of phone numbers I gave you? It has my number and four other men, no women on mine. When you get squirrely, definitely before you take a drink or a pill, no matter what time of day or night you call one of those numbers if you don't make the phone call you did not do it you must make the foam call even if you did not drink you must makes the phone calls and this is what we're gonna do every day when you get up in the morning first thing get down on your knees and say these words and these words only god take me today do with me as you see fit let thy will only be done in my life and help me to definitely not take a drink of anything alcoholic or mind changing drug amen do not need to tell god what he has not done nor what he needs to do god can handle that all by himself it's warming up up here i don't know how it is out there though I just noticed they have the lights on. I hadn't noticed it before. You don't need to tell God all the things that God needs to do and that he has not done. And then call me before you go to the bathroom. Why before you goes to the bathroom? You may not need to go. I said, Do you mean to tell me that you don't think I've got sense enough to know when I need to go to the bathroom? He said, We'll find out. They don't give you a lot of credit here, you know. So before I got down on my knees the next morning, I said, God, I have prayed to you all my life. And you know he doesn't know. He's a Presbyterian. But we're going to do everything this time just exactly like he says. So when we get enough this time, we're gonna take ourself and leave this whole bunch town and all. But I'm going to do it just like he says. Don't like him anyway. So I did the little prayer, made sure I needed to go to the bathroom, called him. He didn't even ask me where I needed go or not. He said, go tothe bathroom, meet me at the club. I made the club and he said, now go to work. I said, oh, hate my job. Couldn't even go towork yesterday. He said what'd you do? Sit in a chair and think? I said well till noon then went to the A-Club. He said you don't know how to goto work? I said how? He said go get in the car. Write that down, we'll catch it. Then he said, and by the way, later on when we learn more about it, we can invite God into more. But in the beginning, besides that one little prayer, when you get in the car, you say, you invite God in to the day. I said, how do you do that? He said, you Say, God, I invite you in to today. Oh, put that on the card. Got it. Then you got to go to work, which is hard on us. And then you have to come back to the club, and there they are sitting there the big shots and you walk in and they say out loud where everybody can hear get your coffee and sit down with us hell i know to get my coffee sit down but they got to make sure that the idiot does not have sense enough to get his coffee and set down when you're you can't figure out anything they're talking about then he says time for you to go home and he's suffering come back to meeting hell i don't know to go when he's suffered come back the meeting, but they have to say it out loud where everybody can hear it. Then you come back to the meeting. He said, now go home, get on your knees and thank God for the day. I said, I do not thank God today. Hate God. Hate AA. Hate her. I'm not going to be a hypocrite. He said oh, do you feel like when you pray to God you don't mean it? I said that's right and I'm not going to do it. He said, that has absolutely nothing to do with it. It's the action that you're taking that you don't know you're taking. That's going to cause all the things to happen that you had no idea was going to happen. And once you take the action, that you know you know, you're taking and all the Things that are going to Happen that you have no idea is going to happen the things that you think will have to happen will never need to happen well hell i understood that for god's sake i said do you mean to tell me that god does not care you don't care the group doesn't care nobody cares what i whether i mean or not he said none of it i just went home locked the door so what's-her-name couldn't get in there got down on my knees okay by god god thank you for a miserable damn day amen hell if he don't care and they don't carry god don't kill hell i don't care did that for about two weeks I'm two months and I'm driving one morning around around 9.15 in that old 610 loop right above Memorial Drive and that God that I had never known as my friend moved into that car with me and for the first time in my life I knew I knew something different than I'd ever known it before. I knew, I knew. I would never need to take another drink of anything alcoholic or a mind-changing drug unless I myself insisted upon it and I knew I knew it. God, did God stay with me all that day? I thought about three o'clock in the afternoon, I'm going to get me a tent and some tambourines. Oral Roberts and Billy Graham better look out because Jimmy's coming. I'm gonna go save some souls. couldn't wait for that guy to get back I thought man I might even let him go and put up the tent he walked in there and I said get your coffee and sit down the Baptist has taken over those big shots don't like it coming back at them you know but he did it and I took him in that other room and I sat him down there and I got up there and looked right there and I told him the deal and he grinned just a little and said thank God we've got that over with now we can get started I said my God that took a year he said some are sicker than others i said what are you going to do if i don't watch her name he said i'm not doing anything about my wife we're leaving everything just like it is i'll send you to a guy that knows all about it it's got his all worked out so he sent me to episcopation you know they don't know so this guy said are you married and i said not really i said there's a girl that i know the chemistry is perfect and they won't let me go with her. She's been sober almost a month. He said, are you going with anybody? I said, no one. I'm not sleeping with Watson Lane. I've been praying for somebody too and nobody will. He said don't start up anything and we'll practice with her to don't start up any thing. And he said, do you remember when you got the Alcoholics Anonymous you felt like it was lonesome you didn't fit in here and you didn' t fit back out there and you felt like you were the only one going through where you were I said yeah if you're willing to go through those lonesOME periods in every area of your life continue to do what this way of life says I'll not only guarantee a relationship with men and women I'll guarantee a relationship with Almighty God you couldn't even believe possible I said, I don't believe that. He said, isn't that wonderful? I said what do you mean? You don't need to. I said why? He said it's the action. I said I've already heard that. He said what we're going to do since you do not know how to live here you do Not know how to live with other people. You do Not know how to work with other people. You do not only can you not live with other people you cannot live with yourself. We're going to have to learn and let that happen to us. And he said, so what are we going to do? We're going to begin with her. You're never going to tell her what's wrong with her ever again. I said, who's going to know? Who's going tell her? He said, I don't know, but you're not. and you're never going to do anything to get children to get friends to get Al-Anon to work her around to get her to do what you think she should do or get her to do what you want her to never never and you are going to pray for her I said I'm not you pray for he said yes you are and I want you to learn this prayer because you are going to say it in relationships with you God and everybody for the rest of your days God thou will be done for her as well as for me take our relationship let it be what you want it to be and show me the truth you may have to say that a hundred times a day but every time you think about your relationship with her every time YOU THINK ABOUT HER you say that prayer after about two or three months that old sex love lust thing surfaced before that I said you ought to take her to Al-Anon my wife's already been taking her to Al-Alan, if y'all are here I want you to know I love you she found you depressing the more she went to see you the more she found your depressing if there's anything I can do for y'al call me day or night whatever you're doing keep doing it about three months later that old love-lust sex thing surfaced in me and I couldn't get rid of it and I told my sponsor told him, told him finally told the group and one of them in the group said you're not supposed to tell that group so I went over and told another group and oneofthem snitched on me you know we don't gossip here we're just concerned so my sponsor said we're so tired of hearing about that thing you've got said usually when you stop acting just like when you stop acts on the booze even though that was only a symptom of your problem when you stopped taking action on one of your difficulties God transforms your mind and relieves you of it but that's not happening to you so what you need to do evidently you've got to do that different for this one thing what's the names out of town go home and stay in that apartment and you and God wrestle till you get this straightened out I didn't want to go to work anyway so I went home close the door he said don't call me don't call anybody see they can never make up their mind one time is call them day and night now don't call him at all everybody's tired of hearing about Jimmy's problem and I prayed and cried and cussed and about 11 or 12 o'clock at night I went to sleep and the next day that thing was different been removed I thought well they're so smart I won't even tell them about it so after the fourth meeting we were all around table eating ice cream I said well I guess I might as well tell you on this is all we knew at the first night I said what can you tell me well you need to know that you're going to always be the last to know I said why is that he said we don't know well after I found the truth about my first marriage which was just nothing you know how to get sick make something out of nothing I got a divorce and I married me a southern Baptist so it would work she didn't know anything about alcoholics you trick them better that way and that didn't work so I finally can you believe this a southern baptist this cannot work this cannot worked yankee catholic alanon could have been in our favor and of course i was concerned about it naturally because she was younger than I am, and my Southern Baptist aunt says most all women are younger than you. But I did get to find out what marriage is all about and what it's about when God's in charge, and we have that today. Wouldn't you hate to miss it? You know, we're very blessed, the ones that are here tonight. We're in the minority of us that got here tonight it's amazing that i stayed here long enough that i found out with your guidance and your help that god could come in my life and continue to transform my life into a life that i had no idea was there and that i know i know some things a little bit about you and i and there's no telling what's available since we're in the place for that to happen. You see, I know, I know that God chose you and I. I don't know when. Maybe before we were born. I don' t know. But I know He did. There's no other way for us to be here. And I know no matter what my life does or what my wife does, after He got me here, it was solely my life has always been under His direction. no matter what the world thought of me or what I thought of the world or what i thought of you no matter what i felt of all the people that i came along the walk to be God had full charge of my life and yours no matter how it was to turn out and whatever was to happen to me God was in charge of our lives without a shadow of a doubt there's no way you and i we did everything we could unknowingly to destroy ourselves and we could not do it until god's time for you and I is going to be if it hadn't been for god having us in the palm of his hands all the time no matter what we were doing we wouldn't have made We were in places and moments and times with alcohol and drugs that no human being could even live through it, let alone the car wrecks and the other things. So without a shadow of a doubt, whatever our life was to bring, our life has been chosen by God. Maybe everybody's, I don't know. I don' t know about anybody else. But I know I know some things about you and I. God promised us that he'd create a kingdom for his people because his people cannot fit in the world. So he's created that kingdom just for you and I. He wrote a book just for your life. Just for you now, because our lives had to be geared to the total commitment for him. He had to put us in with some people who came from every walk of life, leaving out none. so that you and I could be in his kingdom that he designed to fulfill his purposes. And the majority of that time, we don't have any idea what he's doing. But one day at a time, we can begin to know him better and he can be fulfilling our lives more as long as we continue to go through these experiences of giving up control of our lives and are offering on a daily basis to meet with you, to call you, and talk to you. Isn't it amazing that out of shadow of a doubt, people who haven't got a clue of what's going on in their life call another human being, and without fail, God reveals himself to us? Isn't that amazing? Without failure, it's happened. How does anybody ever know who's going to be at the meeting, what's going to be heard sometimes we hear things it's not even said yet god's talking to you and i all the time if anybody has the holy spirit designed for his people it's you and I we now have the privilege of walking the walk that god designed just for us each one of us are going to have to walk down our sidewalk individually and together we're going to go down the sidewalk that's designed just for god himself our biggest thing seems to be we're going along that sidewalk and we could veer just a little and we walk off but if we're still living this way of life no matter what goes on in our life no mater how bad or how good it seems to be. See, nothing is going to occur or we're going to be touching that God isn't involved in. And remember, God takes things that looks like sometimes it's terrible, it should not be, and a lot of times it's not fair. It is unfair, and a Lot of Times It's Not Right, according to the world. But remember, god's thoughts are different than mine god's thoughts are different than ours his thinking and his ways are higher than ours so i must be living a life that is unknown a life that i cannot do but one thing to prepare myself for whatever tomorrow is going to be is what i do today then tomorrow is taken care of. If I'm living the way of life that he's given me now and I'm in that place and he's touched every one of us without a shadow of a doubt my healing will come my healing spiritually and everything else will follow. You and I have one of the finest privileges that any human being on this earth can have. No matter what this world does no matter what is going to happen to it just look what's happened to you and I this weekend without failure you and i walked in here thursday and friday been together had some of the finest meeting we could ever have been with new people didn't know each other but knew each other and we walked in here without failure because everybody here was brought here by god himself and nobody knew who was going to be here nor did we need to because see you and i now live in that one power that has become active and conscious to us that never could be conscious to us before and you and I now live with that one power that overcomes everything this one power this one healing power that you and I live in today that never fails us that one power that only God's children have only God God's children live in that power and it never fails us when you and I call one another when you and I meet together just like it is right now when I can feel you loving me and me loving you Thank you very much.