The Sub Basement of Underground AA for Young People – Earl H.

Good morning, Don. Good morning. All right, snap out of it. We're going to start soon. My name is Earl. I'm an alcoholic. Man, I don't have it. Thank you very much. The inside of my head. God. So what are we talking about? Deception, disease and appropriateness. Okay, the topic for this morning is, you guys in the back, pipe down, we're saving lives here for Christ's sake. Yeah, the bag just kind of goes. So, unity service recovery. Yeah. We got this triangle with a circle around it. You see it on bumper stickers, rings, watches, tattoos. We got them. Actually, it's an ancient spiritual symbol. It stands for mind, body and spirit brought together as a whole human being. And therein lies the balance that I seek and have never been able to find, drunk or sober. I mean, I was a drunken maniac. And you sober me up and you got a sober maniac. Maniac. You know, living in the extremes. I mean, I was either a victim or an assassin. One or the other. You know what I mean? I never could find the middle of the road. Could never find just okay. Always out on the edges, you know. Don't hurt me. Don't harm me. Don't kill your whole family. Just bam! You know. Could never stay in the middle. Could never fine that even ground. That centeredness that, you now, I would look for. I came into recovery and they said, you know, exercise is good. So I exercised until I had stress fractures in my feet and it ripped a muscle from the bone, you Know what I mean? Just lifting weights and lifting weights and then just, uh-oh, something's wrong. You know, I live with that one to this day. The, you Now, just obsessive about everything, maniacal about everything. couldn't get to the middle ground. And I was listening to these guys talking about recovering. And this guy said, you know, it's an ancient spiritual symbol, mind, body, and spirit. Alcoholics Anonymous adopted that symbol. And it's the same thing. Unity, service, and recovery. It's the samething. Unity is the body. I couldn't be sober, but we seem to be able to. This is the Body for me. I couldn' do it on my own. I couldn''t do it all by myself. but when I'm hanging with you guys, when I am with you, I'm okay. Unity is the body governed by the 12 traditions, how we function as a group. It's pretty basic, simple stuff. It was like light bulbs went off for me when somebody explained it to me. I couldn't get sober but we seem to be able to together. So I go to regular meetings regularly. And I go to regular meetings regularly regularly because um i'm from los angeles and we got about what 3 000 known meetings a week you know and that doesn't count all the all the you know underground aa which is kind of like being in the sub basement you know what i mean where you know people's homes and meetings that are going on and big book studies and stuff happening there's so many meetings that i can I can go to a different meeting a day for like 10 years, you know, and never get to know anybody. I can remain anonymous within an anonymous program going to meetings all the time. And so when I don't connect, when I do not become known to the group, when I slip away and go drink, nobody will ever say, well, you now, where did that Earl guy go? Earl who? You know, I'm not connected at all, which is why I'm a huge advocate of the home group. I mean, I didn't know when I came into the program that I was in a home group, but I was. I didn'T know that, you know, because I ended up in a group in Culver City and I went to a Friday night meeting. It was the first meeting I ever went to. And some guys came up and said, you Know, we've got another meeting on this night and another meeting On this night and the men's tags on this Night and the candlelight sharing meetings On this Night. And I was just, you Now, I mean that was complete overload for me. You know, what? Because I thought you just came here every Friday night to listen to this guy talk. You know? And when I came back the next Friday, I sat down and a woman got up. I nudged the guy next to me and said, where's the guy? I said, what guy? She said, the guy that talks here. I heard him last week. I came to hear him again. I didn't know anything about A&A. You know. And the guy looked at me and he said, you're new, aren't you? I said. What's your point, man? And then he started to break down all these meanings they had. You know, I was so crazy when I got here. It was, you know, get car, go meeting, hear a guy, go home. That was all I could wrap my head around. And the lady got up and talked. And lo and behold, I'm identifying with a 72-year-old woman. Right? She drank like me. And I identified. And I fell into this home group, and I kept seeing the same people at the meetings. Same people atthe meetings. And I got to know them, and they got to know me despite my best intentions. So regular meetings regularly, I have to get connected to the other people in the room. That's the only way I'm going to go to meetings and see other people change because I'm so crazy in my own head. I can't tell if I'm changing, if I're growing, what's going on with me but I can see it in you. I can say it in your mind. If I'm doing meetings with you regularly and there you are and you're sharing, I'm saying wow that's really remarkable. You know, that woman really shifted her attitude about certain things. She shared that she was grateful for the first time. Wow, that's pretty interesting, right? So staying with those people in those regular meetings was so important. So important to me. Regular meetings regularly where I become a part of the group. It's so easy. I can stay alone and isolated in a cast of thousands. It's very easy to do. Just sit there in my head, spinning like a top and not talking to anybody else. It's so important. And it's, I think, one of the hardest things for a new person to do is, I mean, how often do you go to a meeting and they say, anybody like to share? Yeah, you know, my name is Bob. This is my first meeting with Alcoholics Anonymous. And I don't really know anybody. And I really think it would be a good idea to get to know all of you. So I'm just letting you know that I'm the new guy here and thrilled to be in the A&A deal. and, you know, if y'all would come up and just break it down for me and talk to me about this, you know I'd really appreciate it. I've been going to meetings, regular meetings regularly for 23 and a half years. I have never heard anybody say that. I have heard some interesting comments. My favorite comment ever in a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous was in my current home group and there was a guy that came to the meeting. I don't know if you were there. Maybe you'll remember this. They were asking if there's anyone there in their first 30 days days. And this guy stood up barely. He stood up and he said, my name is Edward and I'm on the first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I don't really know anybody and I really think it would be a good idea to get to know all of you. So I'm just letting you know that I'm the new guy here. And the guy that he pointed at, we all looked at him like, dude, dude, you need some more meetings, man. That guy spotted you out of a pretty thick crowd. I love that guy. Oh, man! But I've got to go to meetings. I've Got to Go to Regular Meetings Regularly. It is amazing how long it takes for a guy like me to connect and how infinitesimally short period of time it takes for me to disconnect. I can do it during the break. I can do it during the break, I can withdraw into myself and I'm gone. But if I'm at a regular meeting regularly as I'm withdrawing into myself during the break up until three days ago, you know, outside smoking smoking a feeling. Outside smoking that feeling, you know? And here comes Steve, or here comes Constance, or her comes Christopher, or she comes Joe, or shan, or a couple of the guys I sponsor. When they show up, you really feel their presence. When one of my guys shows shows up and he's like, hi. They're kind of intense. And they come up, you know, it's like, oh, out of self. Out of self, you don't have the opportunity to disengage. You don't have the opportunities to shut it down because it's just right there coming at you. It's just vital to my recovery that I'm involved in a home group and that I am attending regular meetings regularly it's amazing I've been going I have a Friday night meeting that I go to whenever I'm in town and it's it's a pretty large group there's a there's a couple hundred in there usually two 250 in there every Friday night and I'm still getting to know people and I've been going to that meeting since I moved so it's about five years I've been going into that meeting and the great part about my home group is is is that there's always newcomers. We're always dragging in the new guys, you know what I mean? So there's Always the New Guys coming in, trying to break it down, trying to brake it down. And when you're talking to a new guy, it takes you right back to the beginning. You know, you've got to take it back to basics. I've got a reframe my mind to get back into the basics and carry that message to that guy because that guy's not interested in breaking down, you now. He's not asking me, yeah, I've been sober like two days and I'd like to know how you improve your conscious contact with God. You know, it's more like how do I not hurt myself or somebody else before I go to bed tonight? How do I Not Pick Up Before I Go to Bed Tonight? Because I'm going to be in the car alone from this meeting for the next 20 minutes home and a lot can happen. So it's just about right in here, you know what I mean? The basics, getting the basics rolling again. And it reframes me up and reminds me why I'm here over and over and ever again. and I need constant reminding. Like I told you last night, I should never be left unattended. It's the truth. Left alone, it's remarkable what I will turn into in a very short period of time. Regular meetings regularly. Unity is the body. I bring it here. I must be with my fellows. And every single guy, not every single guys, but the great, great majority of guys that I have known in the program who have gone out and by the grace of God have made it back. A baffling scenario to me because it's not my experience. I can't, like I said last night, I don't know how I got here in the first place. I don'T know howI'd be able to find my way back. I asked those guys, so what happened? What happened? Ah, see if you weren't here You wouldn't have If you weren' t here I'd be helpless See? I must be with my fellows Hello again my friend Yeah man man. The, so, microphone. What was I talking about? What are you all doing here? I just just woke up. Yeah, so that's got to happen. The guys who go out, they come back and say what happened? Invariably they say, I stopped going to meetings. I disconnected from the group. So I hear that, go to meetings and then I listen to the guys who went before go to regular meetings regularly. That's an essential part of that little equation, right? Regular meetings regularly So if that's the unity of the body I bring it here Recoveries of the mind are work the 12 steps That's what they're for The greater aspect of my disease is the obsession of the mine Like most alcoholics and drug addicts I figured if I kicked I got it Free of the beast, man Physical phenomenon of craving is gone on. The thing that I'm focused on avoiding at all costs, that kick. Ice clean up, two or three months later, I'm actually sleeping through the night, body's functioning somewhat normally. I'm tracking information. For me, this is a huge improvement over my previous condition and I think that I've addressed what is apparent to me, the greater aspect of my disease. That is a mistake on my part. The obsession of the mind is the greater aspect of my disease. In the book it says, the persistence of this illusion, this belief in a lie that I can drink like a normal man is astonishing. Many of us pursue it to the gates of insanity and death. I have a friend in L.A. that calls me the gate guy. I use right to the gates, man. I go, it's like falling off a cliff for me. I go insane. I have to deal with the obsessive nature of my mind. If I don't, if I don�t, I'm never going to get comfortable sober. I'm never going get truly comfortable sober, I have to be relieved of the beast whispering in my ear. That alcoholic thinking, that obsessive thinking, I've got to be rid of that or I'll never get comfortable sober. It's the only way for me to really be free of the disease. Really break free and walk the earth a free man is to get rid of thinking. Now what's What's amazing to me is, I can walk, I can go out, go to the hospital, kick on the couch, do whatever I do, pull myself together, walk into an A&A meeting, and I'm, you know, I look sane. Right? Not even close, but I look safe. And I got the good, you now, I know how to do it out there. Bring it right in here. How How you doing? Good. Good. What did you think of the meeting? It was great. Great meeting. And I have absolutely no idea what happened in there. Because they're saying things like, you know, God, bing, just bounces off my skull. Right? Fellowship, bings, bounces off off my skull. Right? Any of the little AA slogans, I'm reading them on the wall. I'm doing them in the back. Twelve steps. Okay, good. Got those. Good, good, right. First things first. Yeah, okay. Keep coming back. All right. One day at a time. Okay? That goes Goes right with the first things first, keep coming back thing, right? They're all in the same print on the same page right next to each other. Figure those go together. Right, right, right. I have no idea what's happening. I mean, I hated that stuff when I was new. Keep coming back. My personal favorite. Hey, just turn it over, alright? Turn what over? What are these people talking about? Right? And if you're new or you don't know what those things mean, I hope you have more courage than I did. You know, because I just sat there acting like, yeah, yeah, I get it, I got it. And I had no clue what that meant. I hope your mind is clear. I hope that you have the courage and I did to step up to somebody in here and say, excuse me, I don't understand the spiritual significance of just turn it over. Would you mind expanding on that for me a little bit? Right? Now where I got sober, However, if they were honest, about 75% of them would have said, you know, I don't know what it means either. They said it to me when I'm just saying it to you. I don'T know what the hell is going on here. It's just got my AA rap down. By the way, getting your AA rap done will get you drunk as far as I'm concerned. This is my opinion, right? It'll get you drunken. You know, where you're walking to me, how are you doing? Sober all day. Keep coming back. You too, my brother. One, two, and three. One, one, two and three great. Where are those one, two, and three? Hell if I know. One, two and three. Don't get your AA wrapped down, man. Wrestle with it. Say, I don't know. Say I don' know. Find somebody that actually mentions the fact they've read the big book. You'd be surprised how How many people you can ask before you get one that has? A lot of people think going to meetings is the program. It's not. It's the fellowship. Vital to my recovery, the fellowship, absolutely vital. Unity is the body. I've got to bring it here. I've Got to be with my fellows. The recovery is of the mind. The 12 steps is outlined in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. The steps are designed to relieve me of the obsessive alcoholic thinking that is mine. The obsessive nature of my mind. Right? That persistent illusion, right? It's the thing that allows me to burn the bridge behind me. It's a thing that I'm not going to let go of. It's something that allows you to take the option of drinking and using and remove it from my consciousness so that when I'm faced with a problem in life or I seek a solution to a problem as I review on the table the options that are available to me drinking and losing is not one of them that I choose not to engage in. There are people in the program that will tell other members of the program that they choose not to drink on a daily basis. It's not my experience. If I'm choosing not to drank on a day basis, at some point life-on-life terms is going to kick me in the teeth. You stick around here long enough, loved ones die, people betray you, confidences are broken, life happens and it lines up just as... I remember a nine month period of my sobriety when my sponsor dropped dead of a heart attack, I got divorced. The guy that I'd sponsored for six and a half years, who was like a little brother to me, was murdered. A good friend of mine who was taking care of my goddaughter was murdered, they cut my little goddaughter's throat, left her for dead, we had to deal with that. I went to nine funerals in nine months, I was a pallbearer at seven of them. I got real, real sick. A business I had was just tanked. Nine months. Right? I was on the floor. the most amazing part of that whole year for me was that it never occurred to me to drink. I mean, when that hit me, it's like I haven't even thought of drinking. I thought, my God! It's not just words on a page. It's real. It's true. It's all real. The big book does come alive, like Joe and Charlie say. It does. It becomes a consciousness that you manifest out into your life. I didn't know I was doing this stuff so that I wouldn't drink and die. I didn'T know that it was going to change my consciousness completely. But that's what the 12 steps are designed to bring about, the recovery of the mind. Step one is what's the problem? I mean, you've got to really determine what the problem you're facing is, what alcoholism is, or you're really not going to get anywhere. I mean, if you're out on the road driving and you're lost and you call up, you're going to Aunt Matilda's house and you are lost and you called up Aunt Matilde's house and you say, I'm lost. What is the first thing they ask you? Where are you now? Because they can't tell you how to get there until they know where you are. Same with this deal. You can't plot a course of recovery until you are very clear on where you currently stand. So step one is what is the problem? Lack of power is my dilemma. I suffer from not only an allergy of the body, but an obsession of the mind. The greater aspect. Having kicked, having addressed a physical phenomenon of craving, and a lot of people think craving is a mental thing. And I think that the reason for that is, have you ever had your heart broken? Did it hurt so bad it hurt physically? Yeah, it hurts, right? Mind is a powerful thing. It's a powerful things. The obsessive nature of my mind must be addressed. or I'm walking around and hearing the clocks ticking on me. It's ticking, right? There is a weakness to my game plan that is so significant it could cost me my life. That's my experience. So step one, what's the problem? Lack of power. What's my solution to that problem? Step two, that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity, soundness of mind, relieve me of the obsession to drink, remove it as an option from my life, Like the book says, I wouldn't drink even if I could. Worked way too hard to connect once again, to develop the only three relationships I can have, relationship with self or relationship with God and a relationship with others. Why on earth, having achieved the magnificence of that, would I choose to disconnect on any level? They say that science hasn't accomplished this. One day it may, but it hasn't done so yet. You know, the pill where we can take it and drink like a normal man. You can keep that pill. I have no interest in drinking like a normal man. Nor do I have any experience drinking like a normal male. Why on earth would I want to put a substance in my body that would disconnect me from you and from God? I have not interest in that whatsoever. I remember breaking my arm a couple of years ago and they had to give me Vicodin. This thing everybody goes out on. Frankly, I don't get it. They do in droves, right? One trip to the dentist, you know, and on your way downtown, man. And I remember the weirdest... I didn't like it. Didn't like It. And what it was, was I felt disconnected. And I hated that feeling of disconnectedness. I just didn't Like It. Worked too hard to hook up. Don't want that taken away from me. So, step one, what's the problem? Lack of power. Step two, solution to that problem. Power. Outside of self. Greater than self. Heard a great line in a meeting the other night This guy gave this talk. Not a real good talk, but I was hanging in there, man. It was a glitzy talk, right? It was an ugly talk. It was peppy talk. There wasn't a lot of meat in there for me, you know what I mean? And all of a sudden, out of the midst of this wasteland came this comment. The guy said, You know what? If you can't turn your will and your life over to the care of God, turn your thoughts and your actions over to care of Alcoholics Anonymous. us. And I went, there it is, man. That was beautiful, right? I thought, great, great great. All my little agnostic and atheist buddies, you know, I was like, here, I got something for you. Come here. I mean, I'm out to the meeting. I'm on the phone. I got Got you now. Come on. We're really in. So step three, pull the trigger. Step three, pull the sugar, man. Get out and turn your will and your life over to the care of God as you understand Him. The way I have to do step three is I turn my will and my life over the care for God I don't understand. I don' t understand God. I don't. I've tried to wrap my head around infinity, but it just won't go all the way around. I get it, you know. Like, you've heard my story. I get a little tripped out. You know what I mean? I'm off for infinity and scare the hell out of myself and snap back in the room, right? Can't get all theway around. I don' t understand God, but I see evidence of this God in my life on a daily basis. There's an example. There's some example. You know? It's wild. Things that I have no explanation for if I really stop and think about it, beyond anything I can comprehend. So I get out on my knees and I say the third step prayer, turn my will and my life over to the care of a God I don't understand. I found that kind of spooky. It felt like that place on the roller coaster, you know, where it's clicking up the thing. And third step is right about where the clicking stops. You know? Take it. Here we go. You know, and no getting off this ride, man. Not at this point. Here we Go. Buckle up. And start taking the right. And then it says in there, We must immediately embark upon a plan of rigorous action. I'm paraphrasing, I believe. Right? And the action plan is four through nine. Four and five is me. Six and seven is God. Eight and nine is you. Nobody else to play with. There it is. Right? Four and fine. Again, where am I now? Check my resentments. Check my fears. Check my sexual inventory. We pick these areas, I think, because if you want to see where we can leave the main road, these are some really good areas to look at. Right? And I swallow as the book says large chunks of truth about myself looking at this. And if I do an inventory and what I see is a man powerless over his living experience, that's a good inventory. that, you know, this clearly suggests to me that I need to hand the reins over to God, to a sponsor, to the group. I should not be in charge of this. Look at what I've accomplished so far. It's not good. And then before God, I read this to another individual in 5, 6 and 7, hook it back up with God, asking God to remove the defects of character because I will remove the wrong things. I will. Bill, I can't cut deals in there. I've got to be willing. I was very afraid of those steps. And I was afraid of them. I was worried of all of them, but I was afriad of those because I thought if you remove my defects of character, I'll disappear. It's all I am. That is not my experience, nor is it the experience of the many, many, many individuals I have sponsored along the way. Nobody disappears doing six and seven. Nobody. If you've been to one meeting, you won't disappear. One. And when they ask that, are there any alcoholics present? And you raised your hand, you won' t disappear. You'll be fine. Eight and nine, eight and nine are tricky. Very tricky. You notice in the book, six and seven is a couple of lines, And then there's pages on 8 and 9. Because if you stop and think about it, it's the first time they're going to actually let me out of the house. I can sit on the couch and do 1 and 2, hop down on the floor, do 3, get back up, write 4. Guy comes in the house for 5. I read it to him. He says, good luck. He leaves. 6 and 7, hooking it right up. 8, making a list. 9, I'm out the door. A lot of conversation in the book because they realize They've sent a very fragile, very broken man who's quite capable of creating a great deal of mayhem out there back out onto the street. So they get it pretty much really simple for a guy like me. I'm very, very sorry. Here's your money. Back of the house. No big, you know, get a load of me. Early age spiritual quest. Are you loving it so far? Right? You know? And people are like, yeah, yeah. Give me the dough. clean it up and to make amends means to change so if I'm a car thief stop stealing cars if I're a drug dealer I'll sell drugs so change change that's what I need 10, 11, and 12 keep me in the game same stuff me, God, you 10, me, 11 God, 12, you 10 I continue to take personal inventory because it just scratched the surface on this thing this is worlds within worlds here it goes real deep and when I that's ten right and when I'm wrong promptly promptly admit it it's amazing how you can loan me a thousand dollars that I'm going to pay you back on Tuesday and Tuesday when you show up and say you know if you got my money I am offended that you have come to me and shamed me in this manner it's terrible I can can turn your gift to me into a resentment towards you like that. I've got to clean this stuff up. Resentment's the number one killer, people like us. It's the thing that will separate me from the pack like that again. I cannot engage in thinking, feeling actions that separate me from you. I got to bring it. That's one of the cool things about Alcoholics Anonymous is you can come into a meeting and share just venomous stuff that's in your head. And when when you're done, people will just go, all right. Love that. Because you're there and you're telling the truth. It's different in here than it is out there. People respect the language of the heart, right? If there's dis-ease and you bring it, you're welcome, right? It's like somebody who's under the influence of alcohol or drugs going to a meeting. meeting. You know, I love it when somebody walks into a meeting under the influence of people who go, that man is drunk. Well, yeah. Can you think of a better place for him to be? One of my great teachers came to 59 meetings. Donald Madden brought Stephen Arrow to 59 meetings in 59 days, drunk at every one of them. Could not stop drinking. Stephen couldn't and stopped drinking. 59th day, went home drunk, took the big book, started to read it between pages 12 and 13, had a spiritual experience and stayed sober until the day he died. Going to meetings. He's drunk, but things were getting in. Things were getting in. And it came together for him on day 59 and got sober. So, in the 10th step, I've got to stay in the game. I've gotta keep myself and I'm a work in progress. I'm gonna screw up. No doubt about it. The way I feel about it is, if you're not screwing up, you're not in the game. Somebody says to me, you know, I have not made a mistake in eight months. Man! So you're just completely and totally isolated then, aren't you? You know, I've made like eight mistakes today already. Just keep it going, keep it going. I'm moving that way. I am not there. or I'm moving that way. Eleven, I seek God. Action step. I seek god through prayer and meditation. I pray for knowledge of his will for me and the power to carry that out because that's what's suggested to me. I do not need to improve or enhance upon that and I meditate to quiet the mind so that when the answers come I can hear them. I'm happy to report god does not talk to me through the radio anymore. I have never in sobriety have I decoded a license plate that had a message specifically for me. it doesn't happen anymore actually if I ever get one of those personalized license plates I'm getting N-O-M-E-S-I-J no message just kind of a little shout out from my speed freak and cocaine friends out there that are out there going no message, alright good I think that's the perfect designer license plate no message fellas, sorry I meditate to quiet the mind so that when the answers come, I can hear them. The answers come to me now if I center up and I'm quiet and I're still. It's not the nature of the body to be still. It's no the nature the mind to be quiet. So that if I practice that and practice that, to get to that stillness, that still, quiet place, my moral psychology presents itself. out. That sense of what is action that is beneficial to self and others will come to me as opposed to action that is harmful to self and others. It will come, and I know what the right and proper action is for me. It will comes. The answers will come. They're in there. That's what meditation does. It is, for me, one of the most powerful tools in recovery. Meditation. Twelve is the third side of the triangle. Unity is the body. I bring it here. Recovery is of the mind. I work the 12 steps to be relieved of the obsessive thinking, to be able to finally walk the earth a free man, to no longer be enslaved by alcohol or drugs, or the thinking that will take me there once again. Step 12, having had a spiritual experience as the result of working these steps, that was the whole point of the steps, I can practice these principles and carry the message. Third side of the triangle, service. Out of self, more God. Out of itself, more Gott. I can be of service. I can't give away something I don't have. I have to work through the 12 steps as outlined in the big book. I've got to go with the original 100, the guys where if you read the forwards, over 75% of them came to know long-term sobriety. That beats anything I've ever experienced in the 23 years that I've been clean in terms of my fellowship. Those are the guys I've gotta go with so that when somebody comes to me and says, do you know how to stay sober? I say, yes. It's called the Earl H. Plan. plan. Yes, yes, I would like to share with you as Earl sees it. No, no. He said, have you got a big book? No, let's get you one. Okay, here, read the doctor's opinion in the first eight pages of Bill's story and ask yourself, do you identify with this? Is this true for you? And if so, we're on a good start. Read it a sentence at a time. If it really really jumps out and you really identify with it, underline it. If you don't understand that sentence or that word in it, put a question mark on it. If there's something there you absolutely disagree with, write no. And call me up and let's talk about it. Let's talk abut it. One alcoholic with another. Let's mix it up. Let's suppose certain ideas. Let's look at it this way. Let's find your way in. Let's fine your way and your words. Not where I say, hey, you're an alcoholic, come on. But no, come on. Let's find out. Let's fine out. And it's a great way for me to go through the book each time I go through this book is to set my concept of God, my understanding of the 12-step process, my relationship to the fellowship, the whole nine yards, man. Put it up on the shelf and say, today, right now, for me in my life, let's see. So then when I've read up to page 6, all I know is up to Page 6. That's what I know. And if I'm on Page 6 and the information that I have suggests to me that I should read page seven, or I feel a need to read page seven having read the first six. I'm in the game man. I mean the game and I move through it again. The beautiful part about working the 12 steps is that it's a metaphysical process, it's an action process, and action brings about change. If I work the 12 Steps to whatever ability I currently possess, when I finish that 12 step a change has been affected in my life. That means when I go go right back and start on step one again. I'm looking at it with a whole new perspective. It's a whole news step. The day that I realized that was, I don't know, I was several years sober and I was meeting a friend at a meeting and it was one of those meetings like a room like this where they had the table set up, you know, and the secretary sat there and the guy who's going to lead sitting there and I run in last minute and there's one seat open in the front that my friend had saved me and she just goes, come on. And I sit down And I'm like this far from the leader. And they say, okay, the meeting today is on step one. And inside my head I just went, no! Come on! Step one? I got that knocked. If there's any step I got knocked, step one, done. No more. Don't have to do that anymore. And now I'm trapped. Because I can't just go, well, step ones. I can stand up and go, excuse me, y'all have a nice meeting. anymore. I've got to suffer through this, right? And this guy is going to talk for 20 minutes about step one. I was in hell. So then the guy talked for 20 Minutes on step one and blew the top of my head off. The guy's name was Jack P. He'd been sober 43 years at the time. And he talked about step one in a way that had never occurred to me ever. There was nothing I was doing with step one that had anything to do with what this guy was doing in Step 1. And that was the day I learned about a meeting, a men's stag in L.A., where you've got to have 25 years to get in. The newcomers have 25 years in that meeting. And they go through the book together. And when they're done, they start over. And when I was listening to this guy, I thought, I remember this. This is like 12 years ago. I remember thinking, I want to know what those guys are doing in there. What the hell are they talking about? I'm convinced that they all show up and they've got dark sunglasses on, right? And they get in the house and they lock the doors and they draw the blinds and they all take their sunglasses on and there's just light beams shooting out of their heads. And then they talk about this stuff, right. I've got like a year and a half to go, man. And I'm finding those guys. Let me in! in. I got my sunglasses, let me in. What are you guys talking about, right? It's like, I want to know what they're doing because these guys have stayed in it. They're going deep, man. They'RE going deep. And I was right back to step one, doing it again. I've got to do that. Having had that spiritual awakening, relieved of the obsession to drink, I can be a service to the new guy. And when the guy comes in and says, I CAN'T STOP DRINKING, and you seem to have been able to do that. Can you help me? Yes, here. Here, this process, this path. I drank like you, and I have the experience of being completely changed as a result of this process. So the unity is the body. I bring it here. I go to regular meetings regularly, and that's why I go. Here I find a sponsor, somebody whose job is to take me through the 12 steps as outlined in the big book. I go through that process, right? relieving myself with the greater aspect of the disease, the obsession of the mind. Having had that awakening, I can then be of service to the guy. So it's kind of a loop of AA. I come in the beginning, I'm the new guy, I take. It's all I know how to do anyway, so it's set up perfectly. I take from you. Once I catch the buzz, I come to meetings in a different way now. I go to meetings to be of services to the meeting, of service of the group. That's what cracks me open at that level of my recovery and allows me to be, because I end up being speaker boy a lot. Separated up here. I'm over here, you're all over there in one sense. The fact is that we're just all here doing what we're doing. And sometimes my meeting is the first speaker or the birthdays. That's where the message is delivered to me is in that. So most of my teachers in meetings, if I have to speak, are the woman with two and a half years who's the first speaker. Or not too long ago at our Friday night home group meeting, this woman who'd had nine and a halve years and relapsed for about a year and a half and was back about two years. And listening to what had happened to her in that two years in comparison to all the other time that she'd been sober, right? That she'd realized that she had to do the real deal or she was going to die. that, you know, she'd been in relapse mode the last three years she was sober, right? And here she was. And I mean, she carried a remarkable message to me. I had to speak in Las Vegas a couple, three, four months ago. And the meeting for me was a guy, I was in tears about it yesterday. We were, a bunch of us were sitting and talking about it. This guy gets up to take a one-year cake, right. I mean it's there for us. The guy got up to say, you know I'm the guy, the flown in speaker, You know, I'm sitting there in my little coat and tie looking like I've got a court date. You know what I mean? You know? And this guy, and they said, and I don't remember his name. They said, you know, Joe, for one year, the place explodes. God, just. And this guys gets up. And there's a bunch of biker guys sitting there, right, with tears running down their face. Clapping for this guy. and he's walking up to the podium and you can tell he's bought himself a cheap suit. He's got on a boxy looking suit and you could tell he just got a haircut and he has got it on a tie and this is not a coat and tie boy. You know what I mean? And he gets up and he just says how grateful he is and it took him three years to get a year and he is thanking his sponsor over there who has got on his coat and ties for this guy's birthday. birthday, right? It's like huge that this guy's got a year. He's one of the, you know, he's a hopeless alcoholic, you get what I mean? And this guy has been sober for a year and he's talking and, you now, how many birthdays have I heard in months since then, you know? That hit me so hard. It was just so magnificent when I got up this year, I basically just said, I feel like we should just be, I don't want to say anything to ruin that. I think I should just stand here and look at you for an hour. Like, you know, amazing, huh? Right? That said everything, that guy. Getting that year. Let's just leave and just save that. Let's Just Save That. And I got up and blah, blah, bla, bla. You know what I mean? And I left with that guy in my heart. That alcoholic who fought for his life. With his fellows. With his fellowship. with his sponsor with the process of the 12 steps as outlined in that book. And he came to take a cake to say thank you. So, of course, there's no God. Just an amazing thing, man. And if you're open and willing, it's there every single meeting. It's there. It's the guy in the back of the room and you watch a guy you sponsor walk up and say hello to somebody he doesn't know. And you watch the shock on this guy's face that somebody came up to him and said hello to him. He may not hear a word but he's going to make it tonight. And I, you know, or it's the lady that brings the fresh-baked cookies to the meeting, you know, on Friday night. And we all descend like locusts, knocking the Doritos out of the way as they're trying to get this, you now? You know, you don't want to be the first speaker who takes the one-year cake, or Or it's the first speaker who's never been at the podium and is scared to death. You know, and says eight words in eight minutes and sits down, you know? And you just think, good for you, you Know? I know how hard that is to be terrified of the podium, but you just can't say no. Because your sponsor is sitting there looking at you going, I know it's a drag, but forward. And she gets up and does that and sits back down. And then at the break, the whole room gets up and gets in line to thank the girl who said eight words. And she's just overwhelmed at the response she's getting because she judges herself and projects it onto us and knows that we will get up in line and just go, you know, bummer. You know, that was really sad. And it's not what we do. We go, nice going, nice doing. We turn into something other than we are when we came in here. And you watch this stuff. If you're open to it, you can't go to a meeting and not get something. You can't. It's there every single time. You've just got to learn how to see. Sober. We learn howto see. We learnhowto feel. We learnHowToConnect. The whole human experience becomes available. Now I'm doing this stuff, I'm in the unity, I'mintherecovery, I'minservicethis I don't want to die drunk. And look at what happens. Look at what happened. I'm focused on getting to bed clean and sober tonight, and I win. I'm victorious if I go to bed clean and silver tonight. But all of a sudden, I'm seeing things in a different way and I'm connecting to the human race and I am watching other people struggle and their victory over these little victories, the amazing little victories that occur in the course of a meeting, in the curse of a day. I can see them and it's hope for me when I see that girl get up and say eight words in eight minutes. that she is the hope for me. When I see the guy who can't read very well get up and read a portion of chapter 5 and get a standing ovation. I've been cracked open. I just start to cry. I'm so proud to be in the company of you. To have a different way to live. To be able to see the good in people. And to be able to separate it out. I mean, when I got here, man, I just thought, how could God allow this? And how could He allow that? And look at that. Look at that! I could point out to you What I saw is the flaws in your great plan. And then what the people said, Earl, you know, just a little thing. Somebody would say, Earl don't confuse man's will with God's will. Don't look at man's inhumanity to his fellow man and see that as God's plan. God gave us the power of choice. We became alcoholics and drug addicts and lost the power of choice through, in my opinion, divine intervention either directly to me or in the 12 step process that was delivered to Bill and then to us, right? I see God saying, here's the power of choice back. And in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous, there is a page where you get your will back. And then on the next page, right, you were restored to sanity on one page. And on the last page, on the second page, you're given your willback. And it makes one very gentle suggestion as to what you might want to do with that. Mine again? Probably not. Probably not a good idea. I'm in charge? No, thank you. Give it back to God. I seek through prayer and meditation to improve my conscious contact with God. We were talking the other day about some of the unanswerable questions in AA. Right? And the great one for me was always how do you improve your conscious contact with God? And I was on an SVI trip. One of the first ones I was On, this is my 12th trip. I was ON an SVi trip and I'm walking on the beach with this guy who's got a couple of years, right? Just a really annoying human being. I mean it. To this day, he remains an annoying human Being. He's unavoidably annoying. He's defenseless in the face of his own annoyance. Right? He's a difficult human. And I'm talking to him and I got about, I don't know, Jesus, maybe 10 years at the time, something like that. And I'm walking with Father Tom. He's got a few years more than me. He's a Jesuit priest and really a remarkable, remarkable teacher. We were discussing him. He's just a remarkable teacher, and this guy looks right by me and says to Tom, Tom, how do you improve your conscious contact with God? And I look at him and just think, You had to ruin the walk, didn't you? We're in Mexico walking on the beach and you've got to ask a Jesuit that question? These people are so over-educated. This is going to go on for an hour and none of it's going to be applicable. It's just going to become this ethereal nightmare on how to improve your conscious contact with God and I'm falling into a deep depression now and I want to go in my room and be alone. Nice walk on the beat. It's gone! And Tom looks to the guy and he says, oh, that's easy. Dance. Sing. Go for a walk in the woods. Talk to intelligent people. Listen to wonderful music. Read a great book. Example after example after example of exactly, precisely, effortlessly. Thank you. you can improve your conscious contact with god be of service to another human being put the chairs away clean up talk to somebody who's sitting over there not talking to anybody you want to improve your conscience contact with God do those things we've got so many opportunities in here to improve our conscious contact and we're going to do that with God in these little wonderful amazing miraculous ways and I remember looking at Tom I've been thinking, my God, you've answered the unanswerable question for me. Walking on a beach in Mexico with a couple of guys and who delivers this message to me? This pain in the ass. Right? I mean, just that little example right there just takes so much of my judgment away. I have one New Year's resolution that I've Been saying every year for years. I wake up January 1st. Right now, granted, before you all raise your hands to offer me this, yes, there are many, many things I could add to that list. But the ones that I stick with are less judgment, more tolerance. Less judgment, More Tolerance. It cuts me off from the grand experience of life. None of the things that I've mentioned in this hour, none of the thing that I have mentioned in his hour come from my consciousness. unconsciousness. None of them. All this stuff is outside anything that I brought here. Anything that I've brought here, all this stuff, is a direct result of being a member of Alcoholics Anonymous and listening to you. Listening to you, listening to people get up and talk and save my life. Night after night, after night after night when my ass was on the line and I sat in a room and quietly was changed by somebody that got up here and just did did the best they could as a flawed human, and sat down. And along the way I have walked up to many, many members of this program and said, I need you to know that you saved my life. I remember I was at a meeting one night, and I was in what I refer to as the long, dry season of meetings where I was going to meeting after meeting after meaning after meeting after meeting, and it just wasn't happening for me. It was the wasteland for me, And I was crossing the desert, man. And I just kept showing up every day and going to meetings. And it wasn't feeling any better. And then a woman with two and a half years got up and talked about how she had sought God her whole life. Had sought God and couldn't connect. Couldn't connect with God. And she'd been to monkey rituals and, you know, macaroon. And she had been, you know, I mean, she had done all these amazing things in her search for God. And she was telling this, lamenting to her sponsor, look at the seeking I have done and I can't connect. And her sponsor looked at her and said, and I quote, get a fucking job. up. And that, and the thing my sponsor had said to me that I'd never understood, which he's, and he told me God comes in shoe leather. And I went, oh yeah, okay. What the hell does that mean? There it was, man. I got it. I get it from her and I got in line and I'm I'm out there. And I got tears in my eyes because I've been cracked open. I'm just unavoidably emotional sometimes. And I go walking up to her, and I just said, Hi, I'm Earl. And she goes, You're Earl? And I goes, Yeah, I am Earl. She goes, Earl H.? And I said, Yeah. Yeah? And she starts crying and throws her arms around me and goes, Your tape saved my life. And when I first got sober, you dug... I went, Time out! You! Do you know what you just did for me? You ended the longest drought I've ever experienced in AA. You just cracked me open again, recharged me. I'm different with AA now because you just did 10 minutes at the podium at Ohio Street on a Saturday night and said, talked about how you find God. You know? The chopping wood and carrying water of life. How we do that and this amazing thing unfolds. You just did, it was, it's amazing. I'll never forget her. Every once in a while I see her in a meeting, it's like, hey, you, great, get a job, yeah. She goes, yeah, yeah? Monkey rituals, yeah! Monkey rituals! No, job, yes! So, I mean, it is the little things, it is a little stuff, It's the whispering in here. You know what I mean? It's not of the head. It's that little movement. It's a little acknowledgement. It's just a little brief, seemingly unrelated, intangible understanding that just goes in and clicks and a whole bunch of pieces fall in place. And that's Alcoholics Anonymous. That's the spiritual path. It's about getting on the path and getting a little closer and getting closer and getting little closer and getting real close. So for me, Unity Service Recovery Recovery. Mind, body, spirit, man. That's the deal. You know what I mean? That's the deal and if I'm doing all three sides of that, which we can do like that in a course of a day, right? We go to a meeting. I call my sponsor. I can call some of the guys, my friends in AA. I could call the guys that I sponsor. Ask them how they're doing for a change, right. I connect to the body. Recoveries of the mind, work the steps. I'm always on On a step. I'm always, because I'm alive and I'm awake and a step is pertinent no matter what I'm doing because they're about my relationships with God, self, and others. And those are relationships I'm engaging in on a daily basis. That's that stuff from the beginning. Trust God, clean house, help others. Me, God, and you. The steps. And then I can be of service. How can I help? Trying to be open and willing and available to other people. And I have a life beyond my wildest dreams as a result of it. Nothing I would have ever possibly imagined. I am not a product of my own best thanking. Thank you, God, and thank you, AA. That's it.